Smackdown 12/07/12By G · · 3 Comments
In honor of ThatDamnCC, this entire review will consist of one giant Youtube link to the RAW is War theme song. “Dribbel” for all! Well, maybe not so much. Our resident Kiwi is as bitter as I that the NHL can’t resolve this damn fucking lockout, he’s resumed to hating on Gretzky and denying Hull’s fluke goal. But we’re not here to talk hockey, it’s hopping time or something. I have a terrible head cold. Good times.
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
– ROH voice over guy recaps the RAW that preceded this episode of Chikara. The Fantastic
Four Three are seen attacking people, and a bald RVD on steroids stands strong. The Human Torch turns to the camera and says, sorry about burning down your apartment.
Santa is hiring new reindeer.
– Bookie Tuckie Quack Quack is out to address the crowd and makes a veiled reference to a supermarket which can only allude to that time SCSA beat him up in one. Actually, it’s a contract signing between Shemaleless and Medium Show. Then we are shown a fuckload of clips of the two fighting each other. Booker lays down the law in the segment, and does most of the talking. Arseman and Show sit down to review the contract, and Sheamus regales us with a tale of waiting to open presents at X-mas. Terrible. He signs. Show peruses the contract, and retorts. Show basically calls Sheamus’ response a load of crap and does a farcical impression that some Irish people might deem offensive. Show flips the table on Sheamus, then signs the contract. Booker T prevents Sheamus from attacking and tells both to chill out as they are bookered in other matches this evening.
If your friends all jumped up and down, would you too?
– * Non-Title Match: Big Show vs. Daniel Bryan. Well, this is a throwback match to their program a short while ago. Of course, the roles have reverted back to the same booking it was a year ago: Show is the heel and Bryan is the face. As a result, it’s essentially exactly that program rehashed into a match. And to be honest with you, that’s not a terrible thing. Bryan works very well with Show, and the two men put on a good match. But on the same token, what’s left to be said that wasn’t in early 2012? I see JT, who’s supposed to be locked in my basement still, with a sign that says “G you left the basement door unlocked.” I sigh, look over to my apartment basement (because those exist) and realize I should have invested in those bolt locks after all. After a commercial break, we return to the ring.
– JBL rambles about the Shield defending CM Punk from the lie detector test injustice. Sadly, they didn’t save the fans from the injustice of the Miz being unable to improvise. Something about Punk’s mom OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Fuck. Show continues to toss around Bryan, as the little guy gets his mini-bursts of energy. Bryan looks to capitalize as he notices the Shield entering the arena, and they surround the ring as Show wins the match. Show exeunts stage left and the Shield beats down Bryan. Out comes Kane for the save… but the numbers prevail as Kane is mugged and put through the announcer table. JT holds up a sign saying, “G you kidnapping prick, I’m sending them after you next. I’m also Paul Heyman guy.”
I can relate. Dying always ruins my day too.
– Damien Sandow is out to speak, and notes his attempts to educate us as a “fruitless endeavor.” But, he will once again try to recruit
a plant an apprentice. He gets a dude in a Santino shirt that kind of looks like one of Conan O’Brien’s writers. The plant gets the first two questions right and goes to high five our intellectual savior. “Your palms are very sweaty, that is bad form, please put your hands at your side,” observes Mr. Sandow. “What 17th century genre of art emanating from the Netherlands focused on still life paintings depicting mortality and transience?” The plant gets it wrong, and is called a discrace (including his beard), as the answer is Vanitas.
– Sadly, the Miz comes out right after we’re told we’re welcome. Miz looks all smug and shit, and asks a question of his own. He asks what 21st Century superstore is gay, essentially. Or that is what he implies. I guess it’s Damien Sandow… Miz is a face? A homophobe maybe. I don’t know if the crowd reacted well to this or not. The Miz needs to go back to being a collar-popping douche bag. Be a Star. What the fuck was that? J.T. is seen holding up a sign asking, “Have you seen Jorge or Joe, G? I swear they were supposed to be here today.”
– * Brodus Clay & The Usos vs. 3MB. Brodus dances his way out with the Usos since he has the more popular entrance currently (which is immediately ruined when Brodus goes Gangum Style). The 3MB’s make their way down, Baby! And out match is underway. The majority of this match is very balanced with all men getting a little bit of time, but ultimately the Chosen One, Drew McIntyre gets the finish over an Uso for the win. The 3MB’s celebrate with air guitars.
– Backstage, the moustache-less Matrix Striker talks to Wade Barrett Energy Bars Inc. backstage about the Shield interfering. Barrett notes he keeps a shotgun under the counter for any perpetrator that attempts to stop the assembly line from getting the shipments out on time. The shotgun being his elbow. That must be a son of a bitch to find ammo for. In the background I swear I see two men dressed in black with utility belts, rappel gear, and ThinkSoBrain shirts dragging a massive vat of liquid. I rewind and watch again, but only see J.T. holding a sign stating, “Nothing to see here G, you’re tripping on those mushrooms again.” I nod and agree and hold up a sign to my TV stating, “You’re right J.T., I always hfgioaklsg when I make an S it looks so SSSSSSSS trippy shit.”
Warning: Daniel Bryan’s dropkicks may be closer than they appear.
– * Wade Barrett vs. Randy Orton. Kofi Kingston has joined commentary. Great. Man, these mushrooms are awesome! As the camera pans back to the arena while Orton enters… let’s be honest folks, the cameraman has nothing better to do since this takes like 4000 minutes, I can see a dark figure slowly lowering via rope from the rafters. I guess WWE finally signed Sting?
– Wade Barrett makes his way out as Coffee must be decaffeinated since he’s putting me to sleep. Just before Barrett can enter the ring, Jorge is seen breaking through the canvas with a chainsaw opening a massive pool of motor oil! Joe rappels from the arena ceiling and tosses a photon grenade onto the robotic Randall Keith Orton to lower his shields! As Orton instinctively attempts to punch the motor oil pool with his fists, another robot swings onto the scene rescuing Orton, kind of like Sloth from Goonies. JT is seen holding up a sign, “It’s Bender from Futurama, what the hell is he doing here.” The ring crew begin to clean up to start the match officially as Jorge and Joe are escorted out of the arena, once again shouting profanities and punching kids in Rey Mysterio masks at ringside. Well, the first half of the match was pretty meh. So you got this instead. Way better, admit it.
@Charles Barkley @G: “So, hear @ThatTurribleCC is angered at your “dribbling” skills during the Smackdown blogs. Remember in 1996 when my team owned his at the Olympics?”
@G @Charles Barkley: “Not sure… I only caught the words “knife,” “Oilers Rule,” and “Paul Hogan.””
– Things pick up a bit, and it’s more stiff brawling than anything. Can’t complain too much, as it serves an audience that likes this stuff. Me? Not so much. Orton and Barrett botch an RKO attempt the announcers claim was countered. No it wasn’t. So Kofi, the face, distracts Barrett allowing for nobody’s favorite, Randall Keith Orton, to finish the job and win.
– We’re then told we’ll hear more about CM Punk’s knee scoping surgery later. I won’t bother covering this since it’s all over the place, plus if you are hearing this on BWF Radio right now, we’ll get to it in our news and notes part of the show. We then see The Mediocre Khali and Hornswoggle making their way to the ring with Natalya on the arm of Khali. Both of which we’ll also cover in the news and notes on the BWF Radio show THIS SUNDAY. Be there or kill yourself. J.T. is seen in my apartment holding up a sign stating, “You thought you could kidnap me and get away with it?” I ask him why he didn’t say that with his mouth as he’s standing right there. He just stares at me for a moment and asks, “how are the mushrooms treating you?” He then transmutes into some kind of alternate universe, or some random bullshit like that.
I’m starting to hope they do.
– * Epico & Primo vs. Hornswoggle & Great Khali. Ring entrances for NO ONE. Joe and Jorge are seen backstage watching NFL football on Sunday, even though it’s Friday. Weird. Rosa Mendez is freaking out at ringside, so Nattie chokes her out and slams her head into the ground repeatedly. I feel really bad for Epico and Primo who deserve much better than this garbage. As does Natalya. The teams should switch valets and the freak show should leave. The Colons manage to bully Hornswoggle a bit, who Swog’s up and then Khali beats them down. This allows for Hornswoggle to get his tadpole splash FTW, and a little part of me dies inside. JBL sounds about as dejected as I am.
– RAW Rebound? FFW. Punk’s injury kayfabe/real shit? FFW. What you need to know, just in case, is that Punk is off TLC. Ryback and Team Friendship vs The Shield.
– Cut to a backstage video with The Shield. Heavily edited to look sloppy and reminds me of Ambrose’s earlier pre-WWE work as Jon Moxley. To be honest, it’s pretty fucking awesome, albeit a wee bit cheesy. “At TLC, bring tables, bring ladders, bring chairs… the Shield brings a sword.” The only real criticism I had was that they on two occasions had each guy remind us who each one was, and their name was displayed belong. That ruined the suspension of disbelief a little.
So, does the crowd in WWE’13 chant “Sid”?
– Antonio Cesaro is in the ring, and tells us that he has learned one thing about living in America for a while, it’s weak. The American Dream is dead (R.I.P. Dusty Rhodes, I guess). Of course he tells the crowd they are living the American Dream and shows the Son of a Plumber in his polka dots looking fat. R-Truth had heard enough, and comes out to respond. He want’s to give a dose of patriotism to the Swiss champ. Hard working Americans, shitty economy, etc. Truth notes that these hard workers will kick trouble right in the Little Jimmy. So that means Truth’s invisible friend Jimmy is either a penis or a kid. Both outcomes are disturbing. This is the basic US versus the world segment, and while entertaining, very typical. But I’d be a liar if I didn’t say I wasn’t let me entertainment you.
– Tribute to the Troops ad. Logical placement on the program, actually. Kid Rock.
– * Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio. While I really have no interest in this one, there is no way I’m not watching Ric-Rod introduce his Mexican Aristocrat employer to the ring. I let this play in the background as I lose attention. Suddenly I feel an arm lock me into a headlock and a whisper in my ear say, “Injustice. The basement was injustice…”
– J.T. is seen in the crowd holding up a sign claiming, “A magician never reveals how he does his tricks.” Weird. Sheamus and ADR continue their match. We’ve never seen this before. Much like the Show/Bryan match earlier, it’s not terrible… just passe. And also less fresh. I feel bad for Jorge and Joe not getting as much time on the show, just as Show comes out to applaud ADR before our commercial break.
The tables have turned, my feline friend.
– Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt is looking like he is in a jam, fella. And by jam, I mean an armbar. Shocker, I know. And of course both trade spots getting in all of their Joe Kent approved Universal Five Moves of Doom… well at least four of them. Even Big Show looks bored watching this. WHAT’S THIS!?!? JOE AND JORGE RUN OUT SCREAMING “INJUSTICE!!” and promptly provide Big Show with a nice comfy chair to fall asleep in. Sheamus submits ADR for the win. Show walks down, shaking off the slumber… hanging his title on the ring ropes… then taunts Sheamus into punching him in the face. Booker T’s non-altercation thing at the start means that Sheamus has to toss Ric-Rod’s head into Show’s crotch. Face. He’s one. Ric-Rod and Big Show are sexually compromised. I repeat. A face.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet
Survivor Naut G Has Returned to Wonderpod!
Yes, folks. It’s true, it’s damn true. For the remainder of 2012 on wonderpodonline.com, the Survivor Naut G series is back for action-packed, hilarity with special collaborators Chris and Andrew Lloyd as well as some special surprises! While the gents discuss video games, the radio mini-series will invade weekly to poise a query during the adventures that ensue. Some one dies too. Who will it be?
LEAVE YOUR WRESTLING FEEDBACK FOR BWF RADIO!
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