Hey folks, ThinkSoJoE here, for a rare SmackDown review. I think it’s been a while since I’ve actually made it through an episode, and I’ve already hit play, so let’s go!
SmackDown is taped in some city with a crappy hockey team. Yes, Justin, I’m talking about the Flyers. Triple H is here. I know this because Tony Chimel just told me to welcome him. Hunter does the Vince McMahon walk for a second, and my wife keeps talking to me, so let’s count how many times I’ll have to rewind to hear what he has to say.
Hunter is popular in Philly, the fans are chanting his name. He’s had this job for about two weeks. He’s in charge of the day-to-day operations of the WWE, and the more you try to fix things, the more screwed up they get. A wise man once said you start at the top and work your way down, so we’re starting with the World Championship and the WWE Championship. There’s two Champions on RAW, and they can both legitimately claim to be WWE Champion. Hunter confirms that he’s got CM Punk resigned as of Monday night. Which leads him to the World Championship…
Christian interrupts the new COO of the WWE and he’s still World Heavyweight Champion after a couple of weeks this time around. Triple H doesn’t look happy about the interruption. Christian wanted to come out as the face of SmackDown and congratulate Hunter on his new position. Words can’t express how excited Christian is that HHH is in charge after the turmoil he’s dealt with from Teddy Long. Christian babbles on about how bad Teddy Long is and how he didn’t want to get his lawyers involved but he had to. Christian presumes that as the champion, Triple H would like to have a close working relationship with him. Triple H says he doesn’t. Vince McMahon encouraged people to interrupt him, but Vince has the patience of a Saint. Triple H doesn’t. Interrupting him, he’ll take as a slap in the face, and Christian knows that if you slap Triple H in the face, he’ll slap you back, and he can slap a lot harder than Christian can. If there’s one thing he’s learned in the last 10 days it’s that he doesn’t like negotiations, meetings, and lawyers. Triple H will tell Christian the way it is right now. Orton gets his rematch at SummerSlam, and so Christian can’t complain about the officiating, there will be no disqualifications. Christian vs. Orton in a no holds barred match. Christian protests, but he’s interrupted by… R-Truth?!?
He’s back home, he likes home cooking. He wants to pick up where he left off with Mr. H. Everybody’s talking about titles, Triple H knows there’s a conspiracy against R-Truth. He just wants to axe a question. Triple H says to axe away. Truth says he’s not axing nothing. He’s telling Triple H that on Monday, the conspiracy better be straightened out. Triple H says “What?” Then he says that Truth will be in action tonight on SmackDown when he goes one on one with Randy Orton. Christian offers advice, but Triple H has news for him too. He brought somebody with him from RAW. His name is John Morrison, and Christian will face him tonight. Next, actually.
Triple H is backstage walking with Teddy Long, and they run into Zack Ryder. He’s got an idea. Triple H cuts him off. Triple H has to take a call, but he’s got an idea of his own. Zack Ryder is Teddy Long’s new assistant. Woo Woo Woo!
Christian vs. John Morrison
John Morrison is finally back! I’m excited, I miss the guy’s unique Parkour inspired offense. R-Truth is backstage watching on a monitor. Morrison sends Christian reeling to the outside, but once Captain Charisma gets back in, he takes over. He sends Morrison to the outside, but misses a suicide dive attempt. Morrison hits one of his own, and we go to another…
Christian is in control when we come back. He’s working over the injured neck of Morrison as the announcers ponder whether or not Morrison came back too soon. He goes for a tornado DDT but Morrison shoves him off and starts to build momentum. He goes for a slam but can’t get Christian up. Morrison seems to have lost a step after not being in the ring for a couple months, a little ring rust. Christian misses his outside of the ring punch thing, and Morrison hits some kind of flippy move that I’ve seen before but can’t place the name of. Christian hits a spear and gains a two count. Christian climbs the ropes but Morrison catches him. Morrison backdrops Christian to the canvas, but Christian avoids Starship Pain. Christian takes advantage, hitting the Killswitch for the victory!
Winner by pinfall: Christian
Jinder Mahal is in a skybox watching the show with The Great Khali. Whoopity Doo.
Later on tonight, Randy Orton takes on R-Truth
Wade Barrett is already in the ring. He wanted to come out and talk to us about why he left England to become a WWE Superstar. He certainly didn’t do it to entertain people like you. He wanted to make himself a lot of money. Unfortunately, he’s lost track of that in the past 12 months. That changed last week thanks to Daniel Bryan. Bryan was strutting around with what should’ve been Barrett’s Money In The Bank briefcase. The paycheck Bryan will get for wrestling in the main event at WrestleMania should’ve been his too. Greed is terribly underrated. Barrett says it doesn’t matter how far in over your head you might be…
KILL THE WABBIT, KILL THE WABBIT, KILL THE WABBIT!
Bryan says that originality isn’t Barrett’s strong suit. Heath Slater said the same thing last week before Barrett made him tap out. Barrett says there’s no comparison between him and Heath Slater. Barrett is the one who brought the NXT Season 1 misfits to revolutionize RAW. Bryan says that Barrett made Bryan disappear when he sensed a thread. Bryan says he’ll main event WrestleMania. Barrett punches him in the face. He taunts him with the Money In The Bank briefcase, but Bryan uses the opportunity to lock in the Lebelle Lock, forcing Barrett to tap out.
Teddy Long and Zack Ryder are backstage, when Mark Henry comes to ask if Long took care of “that thing” he asked for. Long says nobody wants to deal with Henry. Ryder says he’ll find an opponent for Mark Henry. Henry tells Long to thank his assistant.
Later tonight, the WWE Tag Team Championship is on the line as the Usos challenge the New Nexus!
Video: Justin Gabriel’s South Africa homecoming.
Kaitlyn, AJ, and Natalya are already in the ring. They’ll be facing Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendez, and Tamina. Wait, when did Tamina turn heel again?
AJ, Kaitlyn, and Natalya vs. Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendez, and Tamina
Tamina and Natalya kick things off. It’s a battle of power, a rare sight in a Diva’s match. Tamina takes down Natalya and tags in the Rihanna look-alike Alicia Fox. Natalya uses her power to stop Fox’s offense, and she tags in AJ. AJ hits a headscissor takedown and a bunch of other Cruiserweight style moves. Then the other Divas take each other out, AJ misses a splash, and Fox botches a Scissor Kick for the victory.
Winners by pinfall: Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendez, and Tamina
Video: Mark Henry takes out Big Show at Money In The Bank, then Kane on SmackDown. If this were 5 years ago, he would’ve put the chair around their necks.
Mark Henry in action, next!
The World’s Strongest Man is on his way to the ring. Who will his opponent be? The suspense is killing me! Ok, not really. His opponent is… not coming out. He must be scared. Oh wait, there’s some guy from Philadelphia. Philadelphia? Kill him Mark! The guy’s name is Bobby Howard. He turns to run away, but Ryder tells him it’s his big chance, that he’s got this. This kid’s smaller than ESW Champion Brandon Thurston – and that dude’s smaller than I am, so that says a lot.
Mark Henry vs. Bobby Howard
Henry dwarfs this guy. He grabs him by the throat and drops him to the canvas. World’s Strongest Slam. Twice. Three times. Mercifully, Henry pins him.
Winner by pinfall: Mark Henry
Henry drags the kid over to the corner, then grabs a chair. Just like he’s done to Big Show and Kane over the last couple of weeks. Teddy Long’s music hits, and he tells Henry to stop. Long can’t let him compete anymore. Nobody wants to face him, and this isn’t helping. Long doesn’t want another lawsuit…
TOO MANY LIMES! TOO MANY LIMES!
Sheamus shows up, and he says that if Teddy Long is looking for a fella to fight Henry, Sheamus will do it. Henry’s just big, and as he said, bigger isn’t better. Sheamus tells an old Irish tale about somebody turning somebody into a 400 pound bag of crap, as he points at Mark Henry. Henry says Sheamus talks too much. Sheamus says SLAP! Henry goes after Sheamus, who low bridges him and chases him away with the chair that Henry brought into the ring. Sheamus dares him to get back into the ring. Henry decides that discretion is the better part of valor.
Still to come, Randy Orton takes on R-Truth!
Up next, however, the Nexus defend the WWE Tag Team Championships against the Usos!
Two weeks ago, the Usos beat the New Nexus on Superstars. Internet matches count?
The Usos are still knocking off Godsmack’s logo and Samoa Joe’s dancing shtick. The Nexus have a new theme song, and they’re still being called the New Nexus for some reason.
David Otunga & Michael McGuillicutty vs. The Usos
The Usos take the early advantage. Otunga doesn’t let that last long. McGuillicutty gets a cheap shot in. Man, this is not all that exciting, for a championship match. Jey Uso picks up the pace when he gets tagged in. He goes for a big splash, but Otunga points out Jimmy in the ring, causing the distraction for Jey for some reason. Weird finish.
Winners by pinfall: The New Nexus
Zack Ryder’s made another match for tonight. Ezekiel Jackson vs. Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase.
Still to come, it’s Orton vs. Truth.
RAW Rebound: Rey Mysterio wins the WWE Championship. Then he loses it to John Cena. Then the real WWE Champion CM Punk shows up anyway, making the entire thing pointless. Love the way they did the end of this package for Punk’s return though.
We’re reminded that CM Punk has resigned and that both he and Cena have a valid claim to being the WWE Champion.
Matt Striker is with R-Truth. He asks about the match with Orton. Truth says he feels good. A good R-Truth is a bad R-Truth. He’ll be like a bunch of eagles going after a snake. He’ll step on Orton’s head and pull the Viper’s skin off. The Viper gon’ get got.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK> Already?
Two weeks ago, Ezekiel Jackson beat Ted DiBiase. The Intercontinental Champion is here. Wasn’t that the one title that Ahmed Johnson won when he was in WWE? I’m just sayin’. Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase, and the baggers are all here. I want a bag to put over my head! Booker T got one, but he’s not putting it on, despite Cole trying to convince him to do so.
Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes vs. Ezekiel Jackson
This is one of those handicap matches where the team has to tag in and out. Anybody remember when Cody Rhodes was Tyler Durden for a week there? I’m still a little burnt out from that tag match earlier. It just sucked all the energy out of this show. Zeke gets Rhodes alone in the ring and puts him in a very poorly executed Torture Rack. Rhodes goes for CrossRhodes but Jackson escapes. The first time, anyway, as Rhodes hits it a few moments later for the win.
Winners by pinfall: Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase
Jinder Mahal babbles on about something from his luxury box. You’re in America, idiot – even if it is Philadelphia – speak American!
The Truth shall set you free…
Get some music, dammit!
I hear voices in my head…
Wait a minute. Isn’t that Truth’s gimmick? Randy, give Truth your music. You can have that old Mercy Drive song back. “Voices” fits Truth’s gimmick better right now. Speaking of which, Rev Theory was playing about 30 miles from here tonight. I didn’t get to go.
R-Truth vs. Randy Orton
I had a long conversation on twitter last night with @robbyfischer, a BWF reader (and occasional contributor), and we talked about R-Truth very briefly. I compared Truth’s current gimmick to Chris Jericho in WCW. Which means that I don’t think he’s winning this match. To my surprise, however, Truth controls this early. I guess it’s the setup for Orton’s variation of the five moves of doom. He tried one of them – the elevated DDT, but Truth broke that one up. Truth is rolling into a…
Orton is mounting a comeback as we call up, but Truth hits the Lie Detector for a two count. Truth gets caught leaping from the top rope. Orton hits a scoop powerslam (move 3), then the elevated DDT (4). Orton goes out of the ring after Truth, who slams him back first into the apron. He then thwacks Orton with a water bottle as Christian distracts the referee. I dose off from this boring match, and Orton grabs a chair to nail Truth with.
Winner via disqualification: R-Truth
Orton dismantles the announce table. He nails Truth with the monitor. Then he RKOs him on the table. Orton teases Christian, but goes back after Truth instead, and drops him with another RKO on the announce table.
No offense to Orton and Truth. They’re talented WWE Superstars and I always enjoy watching both of them. It’s late, it’s hot, and I’m burnt from the tag match and Divas match. Pretty decent show. Goodnight kids.
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