Hey hey!

It’s that time of the week where your foolish smark “G” or “Gee,” if you will, suffers through the sinking ship that is Smackdown. Sinking, you say? Yes, the ratings are slumping. The so-called Smackdown Six format is long gone and we’ve been left with a ridiculously worsening product for some time now… so let’s get to it, shall we?

– We kick things off with Rey Mysterio blah, blah, blah, it was Kane, Summerfest, blah. Then, FINALLY, we get the debut of Alberto Del Rio. Alberto is actually pretty entertaining as a pompous rich ass here, and he goes on a rant about history of his and Mysterio’s respective bloodlines (Del Rio being the bourgeoisie and Rey as the proletariat). Rey has none of it, and says you have to earn respect around these here parts, y’all. Well, in vatos essa lingo. They will fight tonight (and here’s hoping all this build turns out for the best).

This kid knows how much fun it is to build up a castle just to toss his little brother into it in order to destroy!!! In his mind, it’s a battle of giants in some fantasy world… sort of like… oh, right.

– Some crap Dashing Cody Rhodes beauty tip bit… I’m totally done with these for this week at least.

– Meanwhile, in the world of relevance, Kofi Kingston is getting his I.C. title rematch against Dolph “Sleeper Hold-Ziggy” Ziggler. This is to make up for the match at SummerSlamest which was rudely interrupted by the awesomeness that is the Nexus. Note, Shit Shitfield went and broke his hand and is out for an indefinite amount of time, thus, the Nexus 7 is down to 5 in one week.

I hate retards who go to order food without knowing what they want ahead of time and waste everyone’s time involved. Whether they be staff or waiting in line. Yes, I heard someone actually ask the other day, “So your breadsticks are made of bread?” when ordering. Seriously.

– The start of the match is pretty bland, so I won’t even bother commenting. You missed nothing. We return from commercials… Kofi is the vastly superior performer here. Dolph is ok. The reality is that the match is kind of a joke, and Kofi wins via DQ thanks for Vickie pushing him off the top rope. But with a DQ finish, Dolph retains. Meh. Post match, Vickie gets between an irate Vickie who pretends to be scared, but is clearly moving between the path of choice of Kofi to block him… then she cackles and laughs, “You can’t touch me! You can’t touch me!” This sets up Dolph for some post match beatings on the Ghana-born Jamaican. If this feud is going to continue, the hint is that Kofi needs a female valet to take out the Guerrero factor. Everyone is put to sleep as Dolph slaps on his dated-1980’s-finisher.

Way to kill the crowd, Dolph.

– Hey! Remember Chris Masters? No? Me neither, but this is WAY WAY WAY MORE entertaining. WAY MORE. Fuck Chris Masters:

Not pictured: Hornswoggle. Good. Yes I realize “this isn’t RAW, it’s Smackdown” and “brand expansion” and “blah blah blah smarkiness.”

– More Summerslam let-down footage and crap, FFW! Oh Christ, it’s Lay-Cool stuff backstage. ARE THEY TRYING TO MAKE ME FFW THROUGH THE WHOLE DAMN SHOW? It’s the same old crap here… but finds a way to get worse. I spoke too soon, while the skele-whores conspire, they are overheard by a plant. The plant, my smarks, is Hornswoggle in disguise. I immediately seek out the closest sharp thin object I can find in order to give myself a self-induced full-frontal lobotomy…. maybe this way I can enjoy that crap.

– The SES discuss the outcome of the Big Show and SES matchup at SS-festivus. Punk tells them he enjoyed the whole Nexus thing Monday inspired him. The SES three not named Punk are in a match, and if any of them lose, they are out of the group. And also, totally allowed to go on crazy drug binges again. Everyone looks intrigued by the incitement of hard drug abuse. Joey Mercury starts scratching himself like crazy muttering “I am the crack” to himself in the corner… or did he?

Whatever REALLY happened there doesn’t matter. What matters is that this is fucking awesome!

– Serena and Luke Gallows (w/ Joey Mercury, who is obviously therefore safe from being kicked out) are up against Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly and the Big Kelly Show Kelly. Hmm… this IS the first ever official matchup Serena has had in any capacity, so let’s hope she takes at least one of the Kelly’s out. I’m biased, and will openly say I enjoy the fuck out of the Straight Edge Society and don’t want to see it blown up just yet.

– Serena looks good to start against the Multiple Man (Kelly Kelly?). She basically carries the plastic blonde through a number of spots, including a cult-esque mid move heil to Punk. Nice. Fortunately the wrestling gods are smiling on us, as Serena destroys one of the Kelly’s and pins her. No male tag at all. YES! THANK YOU! TALENT PREVAILS!

Multiple Man was kind of a weak X-man anyways.

– Next up is the “Explanation of Kane,” or so it’s dubbed. It’s another one of these in-ring and live promo’s (excellently edited, mind you). Kane tells us his favorite sin is pride, hence why he attacked Mr. Undertaker. Basically his motive is all about the long history (going back to day 1 folks) of Kane living in the shadow of Taker. It’s pretty sweet, Kane tells us he intentionally has waited at the right hand all of these years to finally grab the opportunity to rise out of the shadows and take the spotlight for himself. Pride, being his “undoing.” Pretty awesome in all honesty!! Kane connects the moment at WrestleMania where Michaels begged Taker to end it (and HBK’s career) being the moment of weakness that indicated Kane’s moment to shine. Great bit!

– It’s Drew McIntyre versus Christian. I hope this one turns out better than some of the stuff we’ve seen out of Drew lately. He’s out with a legit ring general in Christian… for some reason Cody Rhodes comes out (in a suit)… likely to join commentary… yep. While Cody comes across flat talking, the two wrestlers in the wrestling match they are ignoring are going fairly hardcore outside the ring. Good bumps and use of props lead McIntyre to sadistically shout, “I’m going to snap your arm, like I snapped Hardy’s leg!” into Christian’s face and then smashes his left arm into the steel ringpost… then back into the ring where Drew works the arm. Good psychology!


– In our second segment of the match, McIntyre continues to work Christian’s arm, but does with a variety of moves. This is a refreshing alternative to the Hardy debacle. Rhodes continues to be TERRIBLE on commentary. Christian manages another wind, hits the top ropes, and lands a beautiful dropkick. Textbook. 2-count pin. Christian fails an elbow drop and McIntyre retains control. Some nearfalls and back-and-forth finisher attempts follow… but Christian manages a neat looking reversal roll up for the win!!! Rhodes attacks Christian, teaming with McIntyre. Matt Hardy enters in Christians defense… but the heels exploit the sustained injuries to end up standing strong. At least that made sense! YAY!

– Swagger is complaining that at the start of the summer he was champ, and yet he wasn’t even on SummerSlam, but exercise-Diva doesn’t care. MVP steps in and cuts him off, telling him to quite being crying… Swagger wants to have a “Jack Swagger Senior Challenge,” where if he beats MVP in a match he gets to host MVP’s sporadic talkshow. If MVP wins, Swagger picks up the tab in some drug-fueled, narcissistic, bestiality adventure (or a summer-end party… you decide).

Intentional = funny for the wrong reasons. Unintentional = Ha ha! Retard. This guy can’t win.

– Teddy Long tells Kane the Undertaker is returning to Smackdown next week… “In that case, next week Smackdown, will be hell on Earth,” retorts Kane. THANKS CREATIVE!

– Roberto Rodriguez is Alberto Del Rio’s PERSONAL RING ANNOUNCER. HA HAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! I love that. Del Rio is driven up, a la JBL, and exits to golddust like pyro in gold short trunks. He’s got a white towel scarf deal too. Semi-menacing traditional mexican folk music for the tunes… Hopefully that covers it for people wondering on this part of his debut. Out comes Mysterio and we’re off to our main event!

– We get decent start as Del Rio is immediately dominant since he is way bigger than Mysterio. Right, the typical Mysterio match. But both do look good as the show teases us into action… and then… fucking commercials, FFW!

I just love this. That’s the only reason it’s here…

– Del Rio has a lot of experience, and his debut was good. I haven’t seen much of his earlier work, but you can tell he is a veteran. In some ways, that may be what came across here. Slow licha libre moves. But at the same time, the guy is smooth. Really smooth. It’s weird, his missed swanton bomb was almost in slow motion. Del Rio grabs a submission win with an armbar. His personal ring announcer gets his declaration after some HEEL TACTICS introduce Del Rio as a true heel… thanks to a post match beatdown on Mysterio.

– The whole time, I kept thinking: “Fuck! Wouldn’t be cool if this Del Rio guy had a personal referee too?”

– WWE logo comes up… and I’m out.



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  1. I absolutely concur about the SES. I despised the fact that Serena had to have a match with her and take any kind of offense from her whatsoever, but the right person won. Why, Justin Gabriel, why? Surely there's another single Diva you could be dating instead of my arch-nemesis??? Anyway, I hate Kelly Kelly, I heart Serena, and I hope to see more destruction by Serena in the future. That is all.

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