SmackDown in Sort of Real-Time 11/27/09By thinksojoe · · 7 Comments
In a bit of a rarity, I’m actually home, awake, and parked in front of the TV on a Friday Night. That said, this review is in sort of real-time (sort of because it’s 8:16 right now and I’m just getting started. I figure I’ll catch up after a couple commercials), so make sure you hit refresh every couple of minutes to make sure you’re up to speed!
SmackDown is coming to us tonight from… somewhere. They didn’t say. Seriously. Anyways, tonight it’s Kane vs. Batista in a number one contenders match. But first…
BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!
Chris Jericho is here in Bridgeport, CT (I finally saw a graphic, at least), and he’s got something to say. He uses big words to tell us that we’ll be waiting for December 13th, because that’s when he and The Big Show face off against the juvenile delinquents known as DX. Jericho is counting the days because he knows that after that day, he’ll never have to deal with DX again. A TLC match is not about moronic catch phrases or pandering and shilling of cheap merchandise ($15 glow sticks are NOT cheap, Chris). A TLC match is the most dangerous match in WWE history, to the point where there have only been 8 of them. Chris Jericho’s been in two of those. DX has been in zero. Jericho dominates in TLC matches. He’s defended them in a TLC match, because he’s a winner. He’s a winner, and DX are losers. Despite their impressive accolades, they’ve never been the tag team champions, and Jericho says that as long as he’s got the titles, they never will. He’s the best in the world at what he does, and he deserves respect, but he doesn’t get it. He demands respect, yet Teddy Long proverbially slaps him in the face. How can there be a number one contenders match without him? He demands that Long makes things right. As the face of SmackDown, nobody deserves to be number one contender more than Jericho.
You know it’s the Mack Militant…
Teddy Long says Jericho seems to have it all figured out. Jericho says he does. He’s the face of this show and should get whatever he wants. Long says he’ll give Jericho what he wants. Jericho assumes he’s going to be in the number one contenders match. Long says that tonight Jericho will face The Undertaker in a non-title match.
Later tonight, it’s The Undertaker vs. Chris Jericho.
Yo yo yo yo yo yo, it’s Cryme Tyme…
Cryme Tyme make their way out to the ring, and they’ve got friends and family in the audience, according to Matt Striker. I was going to take a guess as to who their opponents were. I would’ve guessed The Hart Dynasty. It was going to be meant as a joke, but sure enough, my guess would’ve been absolutely correct.
The Hart Dynasty def. Cryme Tyme
What does the WWE have against tag team wrestling? It’s a sad state of affairs that these two teams have to face each other every single week, mostly because there’s nobody else for them to face – especially when the tag team champions are off wrestling for singles championships or feuding with DX. If either team were in TNA, they’d be title contenders – hell, the Hart Dynasty would probably be champions, just because of their pedigree – but here in WWE, they’re stuck curtain jerking SmackDown against each other. As a nice change of pace, the Hart Dynasty picked up the victory when DH Smith pinned Shad.
John Morrison is back in Teddy Long’s office. He thought Morrison was going to pull off the victory at Survivor Series. Morrison says he’ll take on any of them – Miz, Sheamus, McIntyre. Vickie Guerrero comes in and says that Long needs to consult her before making title decisions. She wants to nominate Eric Escobar to be Morrison’s opponent tonight. Long says he’s not going to, because Escobar doesn’t deserve it. She says she’s going to call Mr. McMahon. Long says he’ll give Escobar the title shot tonight, but it’s his only chance. He won’t be bending the rules for her boyfriend every week. Morrison says it’s gonna be fun.
CM Punk is carrying a bag in the back. He’s taking on Barney the Dinosaur, NEXT!
CM Punk heads to the ring with the bag in hand, and a familiar looking guy accompanying him. Last week, Punk was assaulted by R-Truth and had alcohol, pills, and cigarettes dumped on him. Punk says that he extended a hand to the WWE Universe in a much needed intervention. He’s not the only one who knows that pills, cigarettes, and alcohol are harmful. Medical Science has proven this. Punk says this is his crusade, and he’ll continue as long as there are people who need help. One person he’s been helping is Luke Gallows. You may remember him as Festus, but that was a lifetime ago, and it’s a lifetime he’d just as soon forget. A lifetime of torturous drug abuse. It started with one pill. One turns to two, two turns to four. His family thought they were helping, but they were really enabling him. Punk helped him, just like he could help all of you. He’ll continue to reach out and help those who can’t help themselves. On December 1st, a very dangerous, addictive new drug hits the streets. It’s a socially accepted over the counter drug that will be widely available all over the world. It’s more dangerous than any drug or alcoholic beverage. He pulls out of the bag the Jeff Hardy: My Life, My Rules DVD (which you can pre-order at the BoredWrestlingFan Store right now). Jeff didn’t just ruin his career, he ruined the lives of fans who looked up to him like he was some sort of prophet. Punk says that all they need to know is that the last chapter of the DVD tells the whole story – it’s a cage match where CM Punk ended Hardy’s WWE career forever. Punk is the reason Hardy isn’t here. He knows it’s going to be hard to deprogram the WWE Universe’s weak little brains, but when it comes to this garbage, just say no…
Matt Hardy interrupts Punk’s speech and is wearing the purple tights again. He tells Punk, “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family.” No, I’m kidding. He says that Jeff is a free spirit. He has his flaws, we all do. Punk targeted Jeff because he wouldn’t follow Punk’s rhetoric. Matt says Punk doesn’t know anything about Jeff Hardy. Punk says that if Jeff would’ve listened to Punk, Jeff would still have a career. Hardy says that Punk needs to come off of his soap box. Gallows exits the ring, and the referee calls for the bell.
Matt Hardy def. CM Punk via disqualification
Dear Matt Hardy, please go back to the pants look. It’s been like 7 months since you started wearing tights, and they still look ridiculous on you. Anyways, Luke Gallows attacks Hardy and gets Punk disqualified.
Gallows and Punk continue to double team Hardy following the bell. They leave him lying in the middle of the ring.
Still to come tonight, Eric Escobar tries to wrest the Intercontinental Championship away from John Morrison.
Todd Grisham says that Michelle and Layla haven’t been any better than CM Punk as of late. They replay the godawful “Piggy James” segment from last week. Josh Matthews is standing by with Mickie James. He asks her how she’s feeling after being picked on. She says that it doesn’t matter what hurtful things they say about her or what type of juvenile pranks they pull, she’s not going anywhere. She belongs here. She worked hard to get here and she’s not leaving SmackDown.
Still to come, Kane takes on Batista to determine the number one contender for the World Heavyweight Championship.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK> (Order the new Jeff Hardy DVD by clicking here!)
I’m finally caught up, hooray! I could theoretically go ahead and review the rest of the show with no commercials, but I think I’ll just keep watching here on MyTV.
WWE Smack of the Night: Kane interrupts Batista on RAW.
The Animal has some new ink since the last time I actually paid any attention. The Big Red Monster still has no visible tattoos. They both make their respective entrances, and we’re set for action.
Batista def. Kane via countout
One of Batista’s favorite matches was when he took on Kane at Armageddon. It’s on his DVD. You can buy that by clicking here. Hey, DX aren’t the only ones who can shill merch. Anyways, I digress. Batista has expanded his moveset as of late. He utilizes a lot more rest holds. Batista goes after the knee of Kane, and we go after a
Batista has a half Boston Crab locked on to Kane when we come back, still working over Kane’s injured knee – which he rammed against the post during the break. Kane starts to battle back, but Batista ducks out of the way of Kane’s top rope clothesline, causing the Big Red Machine to come crashing down on his injured knee. Kane hits a spinebuster and goes back to the top rope, this time connecting with the clothesline. Kane signals for the chokeslam, but Batista backs away. When Kane charges in, Batista hits snake eyes in the corner, then goes for the Batista Bomb. Kane reverses it and hits the chokeslam, but Batista gets his foot on the ropes at two. The Animal slithers out of the ring. When Kane comes after him, Batista kicks him. Kane sends him flying over the barricade with an Irish Whip. Batista hits Kane in the knee with a chair behind the barricade and out of the referee’s line of sight. The Animal rolls back into the ring and Kane is unable to make it back in by the 10 count, giving Batista the countout victory and the number one contendership.
The Undertaker will face Batista at TLC, but tonight, it’s The World Heavyweight Champion vs. Chris Jericho in a non-title match.
Vickie Guerrero is introduced and she does the whole “Excuse Me” gimmick. She’s excited to introduce to us the future Intercontinental Champion, Eric Escobar. Escoboring is more like it. Maybe the WWE Interconinental Champion John Morrison – who has pyro during his slow-mo entrance now, which is awesome – can make him entertaining for the next 5 minutes or so.
John Morrison def. Eric Escobar to retain the Intercontinental Championship
If Eric Escobar wins the title tonight, I am turning the television off and refusing to watch SmackDown until he loses it. Beating Matt Hardy on TV twice doesn’t mean you’re championship material any more than beating Barry Horowitz did back in the day. Escobar goes after the lower back of Morrison, but Morrison doesn’t let that last long, putting Escobar away pretty quickly with the Starship Pain – and my SmackDown reviewing career continues!
After the match, Vickie screams at Escobar for failing in every opportunity she’s given him before slapping him and walking out. Maybe we’re done with this guy?
Still to come, Chris Jericho takes on The Undertaker in a non-title match.
Backstage, Escobar tries to talk to Vickie Guerrero, who tells him he makes her sick. He says she makes him sick. Everytime he holds her, he needs to go wash his hands. When he hugs her, he wants to peel his skin off of his own body, and every time he kisses her, he’s got to wash his mouth with disinfectant. He says it’s not worth it, they’re done.
RAW Rebound: Sheamus won a Breakthrough Battle Royal and then put John Cena through a table.
Batista is here – again. Apparently he’s going to be joining Matt Striker and Todd Grisham on commentary.
Much like last week, Batista isn’t saying anything on commentary. Chris Jericho makes his way to the ring. TLC will be brought to us by SmackDown vs. RAW 2010, which you can buy right now in the BWF store! The Undertaker makes his entrance, and we’re set for our SmackDown main event.
Chris Jericho def. The Undertaker via disqualification
The Undertaker dominates early in the match. He sends Jericho crashing to the floor and us crashing into a…
Back from break, The Undertaker is still dominating. He hits a guillotine legdrop on Jericho, and Batista stands up. The Undertaker turns around and sees The Animal coming towards him, and Batista sits back down. This is the opening Jericho needs, and he turns things around. Jericho starts to dominate – well, as much as you can dominate the Phenom. Any attempts at mounting a comeback by The Undertaker are thwarted by the cunning Canadian. Undertaker finally causes some separation by powering out of a submission hold. Jericho tries to trade shots with the Deadman, which is never a good idea. ‘Taker turns the tide back in his favor, dropping Jericho with Snake Eyes. Jericho won’t let ‘Taker hit a chokeslam though. Jericho takes Undertaker down with a bulldog and a Lionsault, but The Undertaker sits right up and nails the chokeslam. Undertaker goes for the tombstone, but Batista enters the ring and drops The Undertaker with a chop block, causing the disqualification.
Jericho nails a codebreaker on The Undertaker, and Batista assaults the Undertaker with a chair – which will be legal at TLC, as the two men will face off in a chairs match. Batista continuously hits the World Heavyweight Champion with the chair, and SmackDown ends with The Animal standing tall over The Undertaker.
My Thoughts: There were too many count outs and disqualifications tonight. Other than that, no complaints. A pretty solid episode of SmackDown, as per usual. Thanks for joining me tonight, I’ll be back tomorrow at noon with a new installment of ThinkSoJoE’s Thoughts!
Like this post? Subscribe to our RSS Feed today and never miss another!
john morrison just beat eric escobar
I'm so glad you're watching SmackDown tonight as, for some stupid-ass reason, WTVO is playing gay-ass high school FOOTBALL instead of SmackDown.
Once again, thank you SOOOO MUCH for this!
Oh wow! You downloaded it? You should send it to me! @.@ I don't think any place on the Internet (that I'd be able to find) would let me just watch the full thing for free.
And I don't think either of these teams are Illinois, either, which confuses the crap outta me.
Lol. Thanks for the advice. I'm going to go stalk YouTube now! And thanks again for the review!