Well, I’m sure that JT was a more than a little drunk last night, I know I’ll likely be tonight, as the two of us celebrate our shared birthday, which was this past Thursday. November 13th, of course, is also a day of mourning for us wrestling fans, as it was three years ago on that date that Eddie Guerrero passed away. You can imagine, that was a very unwelcome birthday present for us as wrestling fans. Eddie was the hottest thing going in WWE at the time, and we still miss his in ring antics to this day.
In any event, my thoughts on this week’s SmackDown as I watch it on DVR are after the jump!
Last time, on Friday Night SmackDown: Jeff Hardy blows our minds by hitting people with chairs.
Tonight, Jeff Hardy takes on The Undertaker in an EXTREME RULES MATCH! (ThinkSoJoE note: AWESOME!)
A casket is in the ring. Somebody needs to move that thing out of there, these people came to Manchester to see wrestling matches! Untertaker does a voiceover as we get various shots of the casket, mostly talking about what it’ll be like for The Big Show at Survivor Series should he lose their casket match. The lid opens and The Undertaker sits up. He’s interrupted by Jeff Hardy, who is wearing AWESOME makeup! He says ‘Taker should be concerned about him, not The Big Show. Jeff’s tired of being sorry. He doesn’t see things in black and white, he lives in a world of grey, which allows him to do things others just can’t do. He says he rage will be what beats The Undertaker tonight, because he’s got nothing to lose. ‘Taker says that Jeff will rest in peace. They showed another shot of Hardy on the titan tron, and holy crap does he look creepy – in the good way.
Speaking of Hardys, Jeff’s brother, the ECW Champion Matt Hardy, will be taking on US Champion Shelton Benjamin, next!
There’s a contract signing between Triple H and Vladimir Kozlov, and a WWE Diva’s Championship match between Maria and Michelle later on tonight. Up first, it’s Champion vs. Champion in a non-title match!
HURRAPOP! Hurricane Helms says that Shelton looks like the love child of Gary Coleman and “Hacksaw” Butch Reed. He’s just saying.
Matt Hardy def. Shelton Benjamin
Since I caught a little bit of this match earlier, I’m gonna kinda fast forward through it. Not that it’s a bad match, but I watched a bit of it earlier and don’t feel like watching it again. I have a rat cage to clean, y’know. In the end, Matt reversed a Gold Rush into a Twist of Fate and picked up the victory.
We get a preview of Jeff Hardy vs. The Undertaker via SmackDown vs. RAW 2009, a game which has consumed my existence since it’s release last Sunday morning.
The Brian Kendrick is accompanied by Ezekiel Jackson, as he’s set for singles action. His opponent is one half of the WWE Tag Team Champions. You know, the half with the big afro – Carlito. The Brian Kendrick points and laughs at Carlito. Then the bell rings
The Brian Kendrick def. Carlito
This match actually starts off a lot slower than I expected. While I’m waiting for something interesting to happen, I’d like to point out that if I’m not mistaken, the last time The Brian Kendrick was on a European tour with WWE, he and Paul London won – and subsequently lost – the World Tag Team Championship from Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch. Guess what? Three of those guys aren’t a part of the WWE anymore. The one that is has had a gimmick overhaul and gotten a major push, which actually, depsite not actually counting towards the lineage of the title, led to him being the “current” WWE Champion for a few fleeting moments in the Championship Scramble at Unforgiven. Anyways, I digress. Ezikiel Jackson attacked Primo on the outside of the ring, distracting Carloto long enough for The Brian Kendrick to hit The Kendrick for the victory! BTW, it wasn’t that bad of a match, it just ended before I finished typing my thoughts about Kendrick.
Up next: Triple H and Vladimir Kozlov sign their names on a piece of a paper! Hooray!
Kizarny is grossly misusing the letter Z, and hanging out with that dude that hammers nails into his nostril at the carnival.
Hey, I bet you’ll never guess who’s coming back at Survivor Series! That’s right, it’s John Cena; how’d you know!?! Oh that’s right, the WWE is cramming him down our throats already. I saw this damned video on Monday, I don’t want to see it again.
Vickie Guerrero asks that there’s no physicality during the WWE Championship match contract signing. Guess what? That damned John Cena thing was so long that we have to wait until after the break for Triple H and Vladimir Kozlov to sign the damned contract!
Vickie’s still in the ring when we come back, and not yet joined by Kozlov and H-Cubed. You’d think they could at least have those two come down to the ring during the break. Hunter says being in the ring is special, it’s like the UN, you’ve got a rep from Russia (Kozlov), a rep from Mexico (Chavo), and a rep from Fatlavia (Vickie). No wait, she’s from Bulge-geria. No no no, she’s from Chunky-Slovakia. I laughed my ass off when he said that last one. Kozlov signs the contract. How exciting. Then he babbles in Russian as the crowd chants “WHAT?” Hunter has no idea what he said either. HHH then says that the 50,000 people in the arena didn’t understand a word he said. He tells Kozlov that he’s main evented a PPV with the WWE Championship on the line, but Kozlov hasn’t. Jeff Hardy and his creepy ass makeup comes out of the crowd and clotheslines Kozlov through a table from the top rope, and tears up the contract! AWESOME!
Still to come, Crazy Makeup Dude takes on Aging Dead Dude in an EXTREME RULES MATCH! (AWESOME!)
So, for the benefit of those with short attention spaaaaaans: Three minutes ago, Jeff Hardy jumped off the top rope and clotheslined Vladimir Kozlov through a table.
One, two, you hear the BoredWrestlingFan typing “def. MVP.” MVP will be a participant on Team JBL at Survivor Series. Oh man, maybe I should delete that “def. MVP.” He’s taking on Kung Fu Naki. Tazz sings along with Kung Fu Naki’s theme song.
Kung Fu Naki def. MVP
Naki (it’s weird not calling him Funaki anymore) starts on offence, MVP takes over, and The Great Khali’s music hits. Khali and “The Sultan of Sideburns” Ranjin Singh make their way to the ring and distract MVP long enough for Kung Fu Naki to hit a karate kick on him for the victory!?!
After the match, Khali chops MVP, and Ranjin starts up the Khali Kiss Cam. They find a fat, ugly girl and invite her to the ring, as Khali chops MVP again. Yawn. I was about to fast forward, but then the fat chick tripped trying to climb the ring steps. MVP starts to stand up before Khali kisses the woman, but he gets a Tree Bomb for his trouble, and Khali kisses the woman. This is one of the highest rated segments on this show?!? Khali has the fat chick kiss MVP, who is still unconscious on the mat. Like Sleeping Beauty before him, the kiss wakes MVP up, and he jets as Khali stands triumphant.
In case you missed it last month: Maria won a dice on a pole match (what is this, Russo and Ferrara era WCW?) to earn a shot at the WWE Diva’s Championship.
Maria makes her way to the ring, followed by the Diva’s Champion, Michelle McCool.
HURRAPOP: Diva time! Yeah! He’s just sayin’!
Michelle McCool def. Maria to retain the WWE Diva’s Championship
Jesse and Festus make their way to the ring, Festus is carrying a stuffed… well, Tazz thinks it’s an aardvark, but JR more accurately says that it’s a teddy bear. Meanwhile, We’ve got an ok match going on for the Women’s title. It’s an ok match because it’s short, with Michelle retaining with the Brazillian Heel Hook.
After the match, the bell rings and Festus rushes into the ring, sending Michelle scurrying. Jesse calms Festus down, and he gives Maria the teddy bear. Jesse and Festus escort Maria from the ring.
Up next! Jeff Hardy takes on The Undertaker in an EXTREME RULES MATCH! (AWESOME!)
RAW REBOUND: Jericho beat HBK in a Last Man Standing match, thanks to a little help from JBL
We then get a rundown of the Survivor Series card as it currently stands
Jeff Hardy and his awesome creepy makeup make their way to the ring for this EXTREME RULES MATCH! (AWESOME!) We then see the re-replay of Hardy attacking Kozlov earlier and tearing up the WWE Championship Match contract.
‘Taker takes so long to get to the ring, we get a re-replay of Jeff Hardy attacking Vladimir Kozlov and The Undertaker with a chair at the end of SmackDown last week. When ‘Taker gets to the ring, Jeff looks at him in awe. I’m gonna just kick back and watch this match, and I’ll give you the details when it’s over…
Jeff Hardy def. The Undertaker in an EXTREME RULES MATCH! (AWESOME!)
WOW! I remember now why I love EXTREME RULES MATCHES (AWESOME!) featuring Jeff Hardy. The guy will take a lot of abuse, not only from his opponent, but from himself as well. Some highlights include ‘Taker giving Hardy a Guillotine Legdrop with a chair draped across his chest, Jeff hitting a Poetry in Motion, using the ring steps instead of his brother as a springboard and Jeff’s sheer elevation on a Whisper in the Wind in this match. In the end, The Big Show came out, tossing Hardy out of the ring and going after The Undertaker. Hardy saved ‘Taker from the knockout punch, holding Show against the ropes for ‘Taker to level him with a chair. In the chaos, Jeff grabbed a chair of his own, cracked The Undertaker in the skull with it, and then did the ladder leapfrog legdrop thing to pick up the victory!
Backstage, Vickie tells Jeff that she didn’t give him the same deal she gave Kozlov, but if he wants to make a deal, if he can beat Triple H next week, it’ll be a Triple Threat match at Survivor Series. Jeff says he’ll beat Triple H, and if Vickie doesn’t give him the match, he might just go EXTREME on her!
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