What do you mean it’s Tuesday and I have to review SmackDown? I can’t even begin to tell you what’s wrong with that statement. What’s that? It’s a special Super SmackDown: Blast From The Past edition? And G can’t make it? Alright, I guess I’ll do it. Besides, they’ll probably break out the big blue fist for this, won’t they?
Nope. Dammit. Oh well. Let’s go.
I DVR while I go to work, and never wind up finding the time to watch. That’s how ThinkSoJoE’s SmackDown reviews work. Except this one. Because I’m actually watching the show.
Do I know my enemy? Yes. It’s the guy who decided “let’s have a retro themed SmackDown, but use the same HD set we use every week.”
So anyway, we’re live from some place somewhere, and this is an old school SmackDown, but we couldn’t be arsed to dig the big blue fist out of Titan Towers. Or to tell you where this show is broadcasting from. Seriously, I put “some place somewhere” in as a placeholder, planning to change it when it said where the show was coming from. Oh well, thanks, whatever city WWE was in last night, you apparently don’t matter.
Last week, Daniel Bryan dumped AJ. Tonight, he’s a guest on Piper’s Pit. Maybe they’ll bring back the old school Piper’s Pit set. But I’m not holding my breath.
Mean Gene Okerlund is in the ring. He brings out the World Heavyweight Champion, Sheamus. The Great White gets some cheers, but as soon as he gets to the ring, the Daniel Bryan chants start up. Sheamus says he’s honored to be in the ring with Mean Gene. He says that when you’re the World Champion, you have a code of honor to adhere to, and last week he didn’t adhere to it when he booted a referee in the face. So right now he’s publicly apologizing to Chad Patton and the WWE officials, and everybody across the world. He hopes we all accept the apologies of a redheaded Irishman. We all have to learn from our mistakes, and Sheamus always tends to learn the hard way. He’s interrupted by General Manager John Laurinaitis. Johnny shows us the clip of Sheamus hitting the Brogue Kick on Chad Patton last week, then demands Sheamus publicly apologize to Chad Patton. Sheamus says he did, Johnny says he didn’t hear him. Sheamus apologizes to Chad Patton again. Johnny demands Sheamus apologize to all of the referees. Sheamus does. Again. Johnny says to apologize to the world. Sheamus apologizes to everybody in the world. Again. Johnny says it’s not good enough. Sheamus is on permanent probation. If he touches a referee, by accident or otherwise, he’s fired. He’s also being fined the largest fine ever in WWE history, $500,000. And he has a match tonight. It’s Daniel Bryan and Alberto Del Rio against Sheamus and his partner, Mean Gene Okerlund. No, that’s not a typo.
Randy Orton is backstage with his old man, “Cowboy” Bob Orton, who tells him to be careful out there with Mark Henry. NEXT!
Last week, Randy Orton beat Kane. I didn’t see it. G says it was good. CM Punk vs. Mark Henry will happen on RAW, no count out and no DQ for the WWE Championship – not the World Heavyweight Championship, Mark Henry – but that’s Monday. Tonight, Henry’s got The Viper.
Randy Orton vs. Mark Henry
Didn’t I see this match when I went to Night of Champions back in September? I distinctly remember rooting for Mark Henry as he won the World Heavyweight Championship. Which is not the title he’s going for on Monday. I digress. Bob Orton is watching on a monitor as Henry is in control. And we go to a commercial break. We come back to Henry still in control, despite Orton sending Henry crashing face first into the ring steps during the break. Henry hits a World’s Strongest Splash for two. Orton finally starts to mount a comeback, but I’m looking at random GIFs on the internet. This is a SmackDown review after all. Orton escapes the World’s Strongest Slam, Henry escapes an RKO, and both men escape the ring. Henry gets rammed into the ringpost. Twice. Orton gets back in the ring, and Kane’s pyro shoots from the ringposts. Kane is on the titantron. Kane beat Orton at WrestleMania, but last week Orton proved he could be just as savage as Kane can be. It would be a shame if it were to end now. Kane is having so much fun. The kind of fun that the entire family can enjoy. Cowboy Bob is unconscious at Kane’s feet. Randy goes running to the back looking for him, and I assume the match is over.
No contest, I guess
Anyways, Orton is looking for Kane, finds his dad, and finds himself getting a lead pipe to the gut. Kane says he’s a sucker for family reunions as father and son lie next to each other on the cold concrete floor.
We’re in Hampton, VA. That’s where we are.
Short Attention Span Theater: Before the break, Kane knocked out both Ortons.
Tony Atlas and Ted DiBiase (The Million Dollar Man variation) are standing around a monitor watching this show. Apparently, a million bucks can’t buy a chair.
Some dude is in the ring. Benny Camer. He takes the mic, and Hillbilly Jim and Pat Paterson gather around the monitor while this schmuck decides that jobbers can talk. This is his first match in the WWE. It’s not Ryback’s though…
Ryback vs. Benny Camer
Guess who wins.
The legends laugh backstage as Ryback celebrates in the ring. “Feed Me More” he says.
Tyson Kidd and Heath Slater are talking about whatever backstage. Apparently, they’re facing the Usos later on, and Slater found them a manager too. This manager says Slater could be the next Honky Tonk Man. It’s Jimmy Hart. It’s NEXT!
Dream Machines with special guest 50 Cent is on after the show. If you’re reading this, you missed it.
Mick Foley is here! He’s dressed up as nice as Mick Foley dresses up, and he’s on commentary. Michael Cole reminds us how much Mick loved his days on commentary. Jimmy Hart leads Slater and Kidd to the ring, which marks the first time either of them have had an entrance on TV in forever. The Usos get to do their Samoa Joe dance, with their logo that they stole from Godsmack on the titantron.
The Usos vs. Tyson Kidd & Heath Slater (with Jimmy Hart)
These guys are capable of putting on a great match, as Jimmy Hart runs around yelling into his megaphone. If he wasn’t yelling at Foley through the megaphone through the whole thing, I’d probably enjoy it more. No offense to Jimmy Hart. Mick gets tired of it too, apparently, and he chases Hart off with Mr. Socko. The Usos take advantage of the distraction, and Jimmy pins Heath Slater.
Winners: The Usos
After the match, Foley gets Hart with the Mandible Claw.
Piper’s Pit is next!
Last time Piper’s Pit was on SmackDown, Jillian Hall had her mole bitten off by The Boogeyman. Piper says he misses us. Tonight on Piper’s Pit, he’s got a man named Daniel Bryan. Daniel Bryan is a man who lost the World’s Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania 28 in 18 seconds, and he blames it on his girlfriend. Now, there’s a piece of footage Piper wants us to see. It’s Bryan dumping AJ last week. Piper brings out Bryan, as “YES” chants break out. Piper says Bryan seems very happy for a man who lost the World Championship in 18 seconds. Bryan says he just met with Mr. Laurinaitis, and he’s got his return match. An “Eighteen Seconds” chant breaks out. Bryan says this match will clearly prove who the better man is. He doesn’t only want to pin Sheamus, he wants to make him tap out too. And he can do both, because at Extreme Rules, it’s a two out of three falls match. Bryan assures Piper that AJ will be nowhere to be found. Piper says that AJ is in the building, and Piper likes AJ, so since it’s his show, AJ, come on down! AJ can’t believe she’s on Piper’s Pit. She says hi to Daniel Bryan. Piper questions it. She says that Bryan really is a good person deep down. Piper says to leave the politically correct answers at the door. This is a guy that dumped her in front of the entire WWE Universe. He pretty much said her kiss is the kiss of death. AJ says it’s her fault. She made a mistake at WrestleMania, and she’s sorry. She knows that if they could just talk, they could work it out. She can make it up to him. Piper says that he’s been watching her since her debut. She’s strong, and she’s smart, and she’s beautiful. She doesn’t need to make nothing up to Mr. Daniel. Piper says Bryan is using her. Bryan has had enough of Piper dragging his name through the dirt, and he’s had enough of AJ airing her dirty laundry. If AJ meant it when she said she loved him, she’d leave right now. Piper tells her not to go anywhere. AJ leaves. Bryan goes to do the same, but Piper stops him. He sees “Yes Yes Yes” on his t-shirt. Piper has four children, three girls. Piper has some “Nos” for Bryan. Don’t tell a lady to shut up. Don’t yell at a lady. That’s a no. You don’t use a lady as a human shield to protect yourself, because that’s a coward, and that’s also a no. The only bright light Piper sees, is the fact that Sheamus has a two out of three falls match. The bright side for Piper is that he’ll get to see Sheamus kick Bryan’s head off his shoulders twice. Bryan says that the fact that he’s better than Sheamus will slap him and everybody else, including Piper, right across the face. Which Bryan proceeds to do. Yes! Yes! Yes!
The Great Khali is in the ring with Natalya and Alicia Fox, Drew McIntyre is with the Bellas, and it’s a mixed tag match.
The Great Khali, Natalya, and Alicia Fox vs. Drew McIntyre & The Bella Twins
McIntyre bails, saying he’s better than this. Alicia Fox pins one of the Bellas. The end.
Winners: The Great Khali, Natalya, and Alicia Fox
Um. WTF just happened?
Khali, Natalya, and Alicia are dancing at the top of the ramp. Then they’re joined by Mae Young, who kicks Khali in the shin and locks lips with him. Hey, remember when Natalya farted every week? Those were the good old days compared to this.
Damien Sandow is talking about sophistication. Did Lanny Poffo help him with this gimmick? He kinda sounds like him. This guy is talking about how he doesn’t like social networking, yet the on screen graphic tells me I can follow him at @TheDamienSandow.
Short Attention Span Theater: Kane took out both Ortons. Didn’t I say that earlier?
Last Night: John Cena got his lip busted. Then he got F-5ed again. Lesnar, Cena, Extreme Rules.
Backstage: Mean Gene doesn’t like his and Sheamus’ chances tonight. Sheamus says he won’t lie to Mean Gene. They’re probably not going to win tonight. Sheamus says if they survive tonight, the first pint is on him. They’ll either drink to remember, or drink to forget. I’m surprised Okerlund wasn’t completely motivated by the thought of having a drink after the show.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan is in the house! Somebody dug up Hunico and Camacho. Hunico doesn’t care about the past. Hunico says he’s the future of the WWE. He’s certainly not the present of the WWE.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. Hunico
Camacho gets involved, so Duggan calls for backup – in the form of Sgt. Slaughter.
I was actually going to go with Punk there, for the Cobra tattoo, but then I thought of that Family Guy episode where they were talking about how Cobra always yelled the name of their organization when they did something. Which reminded me of Santino. Slaughter tosses the 2X4 to Hacksaw, and Hacksaw gets himself disqualified.
Slaughter locks Camacho in the Cobra Clutch after Duggan takes out Hunico.
Short Attention Span Theater: Sheamus gives a pep talk to Mean Gene.
Cody Rhodes has a t-shirt now. And he’s also got a microphone. He thinks the Blast From The Past is a waste of time. He wants to focus on the future, where he’ll be Intercontinental Champion again. He’s interrupted by some guy with the same last name as him. His Dad, The American Dream Dusty Rhodes! Cody says this doesn’t concern Dusty. Dusty says it does. Cody is the most talented guy in the WWE since Shawn Michaels, but he wanted to poke a grizzly bear in The Big Show. Cody says Dusty is embarrassing him, they can talk about it in the back. Cody tries to leave, but he’s interrupted by The Big Show. Show knows Cody’s had some embarrassing moments lately, but tonight, Show isn’t going to show anything like that tonight. He’s going to show the real Cody Rhodes.
Embarrassing Cody Rhodes Moment: Dashing Cody Rhodes applies a moisturizing lip gloss.
Cody looks back at his Dad, and Show says “that’s embarrassing.” Cody walks away as Dusty gets funky like a monkey in the ring.
Daniel Bryan is in the ring. YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! Ricardo Rodriguez introduces Alberto Del Rio in his 1960 Rolls Royce, worth $125,000. Howard Finkel introduces Mean Gene Okerlund. Mean Gene’s titantron, BTW, has clips from that Hogan/Okerlund workout thing I posted a GIF of earlier. Sheamus comes out next, also introduced by The Fink.
Sheamus & Mean Gene Okerlund vs. Alberto Del Rio & Daniel Bryan
Sheamus starts things off with Del Rio. The heels utilize quick tags to keep a fresh man in the ring as they cut the ring in half. Not that it matters, what the hell is Mean Gene going to do? Sheamus manages to hold his own. Bryan ducks a Brogue Kick, sends Sheamus to the floor, and Del Rio hits a huge kick on Sheamus. Del Rio stalks Okerlund, who suddenly finds himself surrounded by Bryan, Del Rio, and Ricardo Rodriguez. Roddy Piper’s music hits, and he leads a contingent of WWE legends to the ring. Sheamus nails Bryan with a Brogue Kick, and picks up the pinfall victory.
Winners: Sheamus and Mean Gene Okerlund
The Fink runs down to the ring to join in on the fun. The legends all take turns getting their shots in on Rodriguez, and Sheamus finishes it off with a Brogue Kick. Sheamus celebrates with the WWE Legends. Michael Cole gets in the ring and asks the fans to give a hand to the WWE Legends. He knows they have to get back to the retirement home, but he wants a photo op. He says he was kidding, but Pat Patterson decks him. The Legends celebrate as the show goes off the air.
And here’s G’s usual plugs!
This Smackdown Review Appears on Two Sites!
Bored Wrestling Fan
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Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.
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