Tag Archive: Beat The Clock

  1. RYTMAN’S REAL TIME RAW REPORT

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    Been a while hasn’t it?

    Tonight I Rytman will be recapping RAW in real-“RYT”-time. This is my first attempt for BWF, as well as my first attempt period. (<- see? Right there.)

    Bear with me folks…

    Well we’re off to the best start as I’ve missed three minutes so far.  We have Heyman and Vicki in the ring, recapping the “Rock” concert from last week. Heyman is not thrilled with Vicki calling for a replay of Rock’s remark about his penis, Heyman responds calling for a replay of Rock’s serenade to Vicki. We’re getting the whole song.

    Great…

    Vicki confirms Rock is here tonight, but announces he is banned from the building and will be arrested if he tries to enter. Vicki is told the Rock is here and we go live to the Rock tyring to get in.  The police warn him he will be arrested if he tries to get in. Rock says arrest C.M. Punk, for impersonating a champion, Heyman for not wearing a bra in public, and ask Vicki Guerro what her intestines are like because she has her head shoved straight up her @$$. He also compares Punk’s scrotum to Manti Teao’s girlfriend, (imaginary.)

    Back in the ring, Vicki makes it clear if Rock tries to get in the arena, he WILL go to Jail…

    “If you smell – EXCUSE ME! – What the Vick is cooking” – Vicki Guerrero

    BEAT THE CLOCK: WWE US CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS RANDY ORTON

    We’re back with U.S. Champion Antonio Cesaro in the ring, and Randy Orton comming out.  This is going to be the first in a series of “Beat The Clock” matches.  Whoever wins their match in the fastest time, gets to pick their number of entry in the Royal Rumble.

    The match so far is odd, it seems slow-paced, however at the same time, neither man is wasting a lot of time setting up moves.  Match starts with an exchange of headlocks with Cesaro dominating for two minutes. Orton gets a shoulder-block and the match becomes a slow-brawl, spilling to the outside.  Both men gather themselves as we go to break.

    Back from break, a brawl in the corner ends with Orton outside to the floor.  Cesaro takes over with a gutwrech, a stomp, and chin-lock. Orton fights free and hits two clotheslines and a scoop-slam. He tries for the middle rope ddt, but Cesaro escapes. Cesaro sends Orton up and hits the bicep uppercut. He sends Orton shoulder-first into the post and Orton spills to the outside. Cesaro goes out to get him and tosses him back in the ring, however his mind is on the clock and not Orton.  RKO out of nowhere for three.

    WINNER: RANDY ORTON

    TIME: 11:36

    Next up is a highlight reel for Mick Foley’s Hall Of Fame induction, followed by a Shield promo, showing their past attacks on WWE superstars.  And we go to break.

    Back from break, out comes The Big Show. We get a replay of Show losing the World Heavyweight Championship to Alberto Del Rio two weeks ago. Michale Cole announces Big Show gets his rematch at the Royal Rumble, in the same match

    BIG SHOW VS ZACK RYDER

    Brad Maddox invades the announce table to put himself over as the new star of the broadcast team. Show ends this with the big right hand in less than two minutes. Show tries to give us an example of what will happen to ADR at RR by counting out Ryder. The crowd gives him two “WHAT” chants, and he gets so angry he just leaves.

    WINNER: BIG SHOW – NO DUH

    Up next, Ryback vs Heath Slater. We go to break.

    Back from break, Brad Maddox interrupts Paul Heyman’s phone call to make him an unwitting guest on “The Brad Maddox Experience.” Heyman admits he was wrong about Maddox and agrees to make him famous. Segment ends with a handshake, and Brad leaving while Heyman gives him a weird look.

    RYBACK VS SCREW IT-HE TOSSES THE OTHER TWO GUYS AROUND AND PINS HEATH SLATER

    After the match, Ryback cuts a promo about entering the Royal Rumble.

    “Damn, my job is fun.” – Ryback

    We go back with the Rock trying to talk his way into the show. Vicki interrupts and demands he be arrested. The officers can’t until he does something illegal. Vicki offers to lift the ban if Rocky apologizes to her. Rock makes it clear that won’t happen, and reminds her she still looks horrible tonight. Vicki storms off, and the Rock tells the cops he has a plan, as we go to break…

    We come back to an announcement about RAW in Las Vegas next week, featuring RAW Roulette.

    Paul Heyman and WWE champion C.M. Punk enter to address the people.

    “What I have here, I hold more dear to my heart, then most men hold their families. This is my life’s work and for 428 days I have proven that I am the man. But 428 days is just a faction of the time it’s taken me to get to this point. I’ve worked half my life to attain this, the most prestigeous title the WWE has to offer, and I will not allow the Rock, or any man to take this from me. The Rock is here to entertain, the Rock is here to electrify, to sing songs and tell jokes. I am here to hurt people and be the champion. I will not allow the Rock to leave the Royal Rumble as WWE champion because this is why I am here, because this is important. It’s important because I have made it important, it’s prestigeous because I have made it prestigeous. What is prestigeous to the Rock is the most meaningless, insignificant thing imaginable. It’s you, the people. The people, the cheers, the chants, the signs, the adulation. The Rock is proud of being the people’s champion, almost as proud as I am of being a real champion. I will not allow the Rock to become WWE champion because I’ve been in the ring with him, I’ve looked him in the eye. I’ve seen all the way down into his soul and I’ve seen why he’s so proud of the people and being the people’s champion, it’s because he knows he cannot be this. A long time ago, I was forced to make a choice between hypocritical humility and honest arrogance and I chose honest arrogance. While the Rock foolishly chose all of you. You can call him electrifying, you can call him the Brama Bull, you can call him the great one but what you cannot call him is champion, because this… this belongs to me, and this you earn with blood and sweat and tears and for 428 days I have done just that. I have earned this. I have earned the right to be called champion. I have earned the right to be the man. In six days Rock, this is what you’re on a colission course with, so for six days please, by all means, enjoy being the peoples champion, enjoy the cheers, the chants, the signs, I want you to slap every hand, I want you to wink at every hopeful look your sheep-like fans give you, cause I realized something a long time ago, that the people do not matter. This is all that matters, and in six days at the Royal Rumble, it doesn’t matter if I smell what the Rock is cooking. All that matters is that what these people cannot give you, will remain rightfully around the waist of your undisputed WWE champion, best in the world, C.M. Punk.” – C.M. Punk

    BEAT THE CLOCK: THE MIZ VS DOLPH ZIGGLER

    Pretty much the opposite of the first match, as both men go right for the fall. Ziggler hits a flurry of spots, but Miz takes over, matching Ziggler’s aggression and going after the knee with a VICIOUS shoulder-tackle. Miz goes for the figure-four, but Ziggler sends him to the outside. Big E. Langston shoves him hard into the apron and Ziggler gets a two-count, as we break…

    Back from break, Miz makes his comeback with fists, charging clothesline, axe-handle off the top rope.  Miz goes for a skull-crushing-finale, Ziggler rolls him up and holds the tights for two, Miz reverses it, and grabs the tights for two, almost pulling them off Ziggler. Ziggler hits the flying DDT for two. Miz gets a reverse face-lock-knee-drop combo, Ziggler shoves off a neck-breaker, Miz catches Dolph’s legs and gets the figure-4. AJ distracts the ref as Big E. pulls Dolph to the ropes. Miz jaw-jacks with him and Ziggler hits the Zig-Zag from behind for the three count.

    WINNER: DOLPH ZIGGLER

    TIME:  (10:56)

    After a break, we have a recap of WWE tag champions Team Hell No (Kane & Bryan Danielson) punking out team Rhodes Scholars at Dr. Shelby’s command last week.

    In the ring, Dr. Shelby introduces Team Hell-No as the first graduates of his anger-management course. Kane and Bryan come out in graduation robes. Shelby congratulates them on how far they’ve come (with a few well hidden cheap-shots,) and Shelby asks them which of them deserves to be valedictorian, and get the chance to talk about their feelings. Kane and bryan both try to pass it off on each other. Shelby suggests they hug. This eventually leads to Dr. Shelby, Kane, and Bryan leading the whole arena in a huge “hug-in,” that includes Lawler and Cole, the ringside doc and Justin Roberts, and members of the audience. It ends in a huge group hug with all three men in the ring.

    It is truly a glorious train-wreck, as we go to break.

    Back from break, we get a recap of Kaitlyn winning the Diva’s championship and Eve Torres quiting WWE.

    Alicia Fox is in the ring, as Kaitlyn makes her way to ringside.

    WWE DIVAS CHAMPION VS ALICIA FOX

    Kaitlyn wins this with a spear. In fairness, Alicia didn’t look horrible here, but then again, she didn’t do that much to botch.

    Backstage, Heyman walks with Punk, telling him that he’s earned something special. Heyman promises a “Paul Bomb,” later tonight while Punk chills in a fully stocked, private skybox. We go to break.

    We come back to Heyman in the ring.

    “Champ, this one’s for you.” – Paul Heyman

    Heyman is here to act as an interpreter for Punk, seeing as the crowd can’t keep up with someone as articulate as Punk. He promises to “keep it simple.” He calls the Rock “stupid,” just like the people, for focusing on him instead of Punk.

    “IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN’!!!”

    Rock is out the back and in the ring, apparently getting around the ban by buying a ticket off one of the cops. Rock calls Heyman “Twinkie Tits,” and chases him out of the ring. The Rock addresses Punk, saying he’s earned the right to be called the best in the world, but it doesn’t change the fact that the Rock is a man who will rip his face off. Rock goes on to compare himself to Dr. Martin Luther King, saying he has a dream, to make it to the mountain top, the promised land, and be WWE champion.  Promising that when he beats Punk, we will be “free at last.”

    Then the lights go out.

    The lights go on and the Shield is beating down the Rock. Rock fights back, but it ends with the Shield laying him out. Punk gets the mike and tells Rock he has to pay a price for his freedom. He tells Rock there’s only room for one man on the mountain top, and that eventually, you have to wake up from your dream.

    We come back from break with a quick tribute to MLK, and a recap of the Shield assault. During the commercial, Rock was able to walk out under his own power.

    Sheamus is out, he or his opponent must beat Ziggler’s time of 10:56 seconds for the chance to pick their number in the Royal Rumble.

    WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT VS SHEAMUS

    We start with some stomping and punching. Barrett pulls the arm of Sheamus over the rope. Sheamus hits a kick to the gut and runs to the ropes, but Barrett hits a clothesline, sending Sheamus over the ropes and out to the floor. Here we go to break…

    Back from break, Barrett is in control kicking Sheamus off the top corner, hitting a suplex for two, and hooking an arm-bar. Sheamus punches his way out and its an axe-handle. He ties Barrett up in the ropes for ten forearms and hits a suplex. He goes for white noise, but Barrett elbows out and tries a pump-handle. Sheamus slips out and misses a brogue-kick attempt. Barrett hits two back kicks, one to the gut and one to the head for two. Barrett hits the elbow of the second rope and makes a wasteland attempt. Sheamus elbows out of it and hits white noise. AJ Lee runs out with Ziggler/Big E. in tow. She runs in the ring and skips in front of Sheamus, blocking him. She leaves, and Barrett hits a spinning side-slam for two. Barrett misses a clothesline, and Sheamus hits the Brogue kick but the time is up.

    DRAW: NO WINNER

    ZIGGLER WINS THE RIGHT TO PICK HIS NUMBER

    Ziggler, AJ, and Big E. are in Vicki’s office, braging about their win. Ziggler ribs Vicki by singing Clapton to AJ. Vicki informs Dolph he didn’t win the right to pick ANY number. He won a choice, of one… or two.

    Punk and Heyman walk backstage, Vince McMahon confronts them and threatens to strip Punk of the title if anybody interferes in his title match with the Rock.

    Back from break, Ricardo Rodriguez introduces World Heavyweight Champion ALBERTO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO! Tensai is in the ring.

    WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS TENSAI

    Tensai starts off strong with big right hands and forearms. He has Del Rio pinned in the corner with headbutts. Tensai with a hard whip to the corner AND MY PICTURE FREEZES. I MISS EVERYTHING up to Del Rio hitting a moonsault for the three count.

    After the match, Del Rio cuts a promo on Big Show, saying there will be a ten count IN SPANISH. He leads the crowd in a ten count in Spanish.

    Promo package for the second inductee for the Hall Of Fame – BOB BACKLUND!

    As he makes his way to the ring, we are promised that John Cena will address the WWE universe after the break.

    Cena makes it to the ring. He starts talking about Sundays. He finds a kid in the audience and starts in on how great Sundays are. No, school, playing video games, he asks the kid if he’s the one keeping him in noob status on Call Of Duty 2. (He reveals his gamer-tag as skidmarks187.) He turns his attention to a lady in the crowd, asking her about how Sundays are about reliving Saturday night and surfing YouTube, thinking she might’ve hooked up with someone special. He turns to a guy in the front row, and says his Sundays are about waking up surrounded by bodily fluids, a recite for two blow-up dolls, (one missing.) And posting embarassing photos on Twitter. Cena promises that on Sunday, he will win the Royal Rumble.

    This leads to Sheamus coming out to refute that, followed by The Prime Time Players, Randy Orton, The Miz, eventually the entire locker room comes out to claim they’re going to win the Royal Rumble. This leads to an impromptu battle royal as we close out.

    Okay, needles to say; you’d have to be generous with the definition of “real-time” in regards to what I’ve done here. There were rough patches and interuptions. I hope I gave you guys some idea of wha was going on, and that you enjoyed it.

    For now, I’m Rytman and I’m out.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  4. WWE Superstars Review

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    Let’s get crazy and see what happens.

    Match 1:  John Morrison vs Tyson Kidd

    I’m looking forward to seeing Morrison/Hardy for the World Heavyweight title on Smackdown!  The craftiness of Kidd and Morrison make for a great match.  These two guys are prime examples for why Smackdown is so much better than Raw right now.  Kidd hit a sick neckbreaker at the edge of the apron on Morrison during the middle of the match.  Morrison exhibited his usual greatness.  David Hart Smith and Natalya were ejected from ringside, which ulitimately spelled doom for Tyson Kidd in this match.  John Morrison is one of my favorite superstars and his explosiveness is second to none.  The Shaman of Sexy hit Starship Pain for the win. 

    Match 2:  William Regal vs the Japanese Sensation Yoshi Tatsu

    Yoshi Tatsu gets some of the biggest pops when he comes out to the ring.  The fans love this guy.  He kicks and karate chops guys to death.  However, William Regal gets the win with a running knee.  Regal gets his win back with that one.

    Josh Matthews interviews Randy Orton in the locker room.  He asks Orton’s impressions on John Cena winning the beat the clock challenge.  He said Cena has won pain and agony with his beat the clock victory.

    Main Event:  WWE Champion Randy Orton vs the cartwheeling Primo Colon

    Here is the random match of the night…but I like it.  Primo is exciting and its always nice to see the CHAMPION get a chance at a real victory.  Primo starts like an A.D.D. kid without his meds.  He bounces all over the place and gets his offense in until the commercial break.  During the break, Orton regains control and starts his methodical beatdown of Primo.  Primo hits the ropes and nails a flying elbow and then his cartwheel.  Missile dropkick hits but the springboard splash misses and Orton hits the RKO for the win.  Refreshing match for the both of them. 

    This was a good, entertaining show.  I like how they mixed good matches with the randomness this week.  I guess thats what Superstars is for.  Anywho…come back and check me out next week.

  5. RAW 7/27 LIVE and in Real-Time

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    Welcome everyone to RAW, I am your Legend Killer, subbing in for Joe this week, as he has disappeared off the face of the Earth at the time of this. We begin with RAW’s guest host for the night, 4-Time NBA Champion, Shaquille O’Neal.

    Lawler and Shaq are in the ring, and Shaq reveals a Beat the Clock challenge to determine Orton’s opponent for SummerSlam. The participants are Triple H, MVP, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry and John Cena. Shaq chants for D.C. to get ready, and the music of Chris Jericho hits.

    Jericho and O’Neal staredown, and Jericho looks like a midget.  Jericho makes a Kobe reference, then reminds Shaq that the most powerful duo in sports history isnt Shaq and LeBron. It’s Jericho and … but Shaq cuts him off and calls him Christina. Jericho talks himself up, then demands respect from everyone in the company, including Guest hosts. After another staredown between the two, Y2J introduces his new Tag Team partner, the Big Show.

    Shaq and Show look eye to eye and bald head to bald head. Show says that Shaq has a better chance of making 2 Free Throws in a row, than intimidating him. Show calls Shaq slim, Shaq calls Show fat, then challenges the largest athlete in the world to a match. Show calls him a 7ft toothpick, and complains because he doesnt want the entire NBA on his back, when he cripples Shaq. Shaq knew they wouldn’t fight him, but he hired two guys that would. Enter SmackDown!’s Cryme Tyme. Jericho and Show walk away, but Shaq has one more announcement. In the match between Jericho/Show and Cryme Tyme, there will be an outside enforcer, Shaq! Shaq then chants Christina as the Tag champs head up the ramp.

    COMMERCIAL: Looks like I’m here for the long haul. RAW better be good.

    Did You Know? WWE Raw is a complete waste of TV space.

    Match #1: Beat the Clock challenge

    Mark Henry vs Carlito

    My prediction. Henry in about 2 minutes 30 seconds, and it wins.

    Carlito heads straight to the outside,to kill time, and the moment he heads back in. Sexual Chocolate is on the attack. Carlito tries to run again, but Henry goes and gets him. Carlito tries to jump out of the ring, but Henry catches him and throws him back in. Henry tries to go for the pin, as 2 minutes tick by. Carlito tries to escape again, but to no avail. A close pinfall as my predicition is out the window. Carlito firing kicks and punches but none of them phases Henry. Henry trying to get quick pinfalls, then a splash as four minutes tick by, but Carlito rolls out of the splash. Carlito hangs Henry up on the top rope, then springs up and knocks him off his feet for a near fall.

    Carlito applies a Sleeper, as 5 minutes tick by. Henry backs Carlito into the corner, then goes for a headbutt, and gets another near fall. Carlito applies another sleeper and Henry is fading, but he quickly regains his composure. Carlito off the second rope, but Henry catches him and looks for the World’s Strongest Slam, but Carlito escapes. Carlito tries a BackStabber, but he can’t connect. Carlito off the ropes, Henry catches him, and this time lands the World’s Strongest Slam and gets the three.

    YOUR WINNER: Mark Henry in 6:49.

    COMMERCIAL: Up next is a 6-Diva Tag match. Joe, I’m going to kill you for making me watch this.

    WWE Rewind: Mickie James defeating Maryse at Night of Champions

    Washington Redskins players are at ringside.

    Match#2:Six-Diva Tag Team match

    Divas Champion Mickie James, Gail Kim and Kelly Kelly vs Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendes and Alicia Fox

    Michael Cole has been sent to the back to see if he can get an interview with Shaq, allowing Lawler to masturbate all on his lonesome at ringside.

    If there’s no action being called here, it’s because I’m trying to finish off my bag of Doritos. The heels dominating the faces early on. Mickie gets the tag, and Mickie starts to take over the match. Jerry Lawler is no help here, as it seems he’s paying as much attention as I am right now.  Gail Kim tags herself in and gets the pin with a Missile Dropkick.

    YOUR WINNERS: Mickie James, Gail Kim and Kelly Kelly

    Beth Phoenix looks down in somewhat disgust, then a slight smile appears.

    In Shaq’s office, Cole tries to interview Shaq … however … enter the Hornswoggle. Hornswoggle tries to score a dunk, but fails miserably. Apparently, Hornswoggle and Shaq went to high school together. Also, it seems Michael Cole has found his new man-crush. Somewhere, Heidenreich is crying.

    COMMERCIAL

    Match#3: Beat the Clock challenge

    MVP vs Chris Masters

    6:49 is the time to beat, set by Mark Henry

    What the hell? the Masterpiece makes his return to the WWE. What not the way to make your return. So it’s the Masterlock versus the Bright Red Power Ranger.  Masters with the advantage in the early going in this one. It’s good to see MVP doesn’t hang around with that ‘thing’ from the View. MVP goes for the Boot, but misses and Masters attempts the Masterlock, but MVP escapes.

    Both men brawl to the outside, and I sense a countout here. MVP tries to enter the ring, but Masters stops him and applies the Masterlock, leading to a double countout.

    YOUR WINNER: Double Countout

    Mark Henry still has the time to beat, as MVP is upset with himself.

    Triple H’s opponent for the Beat the Clock challenge? Chicken Legs himself, Cody Rhodes. Also don’t forget the Tag match with Shaq as outside enforcer.

    COMMERCIAL

    We’re back and THE Brian Kendrick is in the ring, ready for his match with … the United States Champion, Kofi Kingston.

    Kendrick is angry at Lawler, the bell rings and Kendrick is still ranting, Kofi nails the Trouble in Paradise, and Kendrick is jobbed out inside of 5 seconds.

    Backstage, and Triple H is being beatdown by Ted DiBiase Jr., and some kind of club. How will this affect his chances against Cody Rhodes in the Beat the Clock? Will Triple H still be able to beat Mark Henry’s time? Does anyone actually care? … I didnt think so.

    COMMERCIAL

    We’re back …

    Match#5: Beat the Clock challenge

    Triple H vs Cody Rhodes

    Mark Henry still has the best time of 6:49.

    Lawler just called the Crippler Crossface, the STF. Jerry Lawler doesnt even know the names of the moves now.

    I’m just waiting for either Cole or Lawler to say ‘Beat the Cock’ instead of Beat the Clock. RAW is NOT bought to you by Verizon Wireless, as Cole just told me. RAW is bought to you by the ‘Legend Killer’ Chris Cooley, because ThinkSoJoe has decided to no longer care about his beloved readers of this site. Either that, or he is sensible and decided not to watch RAW.

    Helmsley favouring the leg that was attacked by DiBiase, and Cody focuses all his attack toward that leg. Triple H trying to avoid Cody, but Rhodes will have none of it, and continues after the leg of the Game. Rhodes applying various submission moves, but Triple H fights out of every one of them. Cody to the second rope, and drops Helmsley to the mat, as 2 minutes remain on the clock. Rhodes tries again, but HHH counters and goes for the Pedigree, but Rhodes gets a chop block.

    Rhodes takes a page out of Daddy Dusty’s book, and applies the Figure Four, but Helmsley quickly rolls the move over. Under a minute remains, and Triple H connects with the Spinebuster. Ted DiBiase comes up to the apron, daring Trips to hit in. Instead, he sends Cody Rhodes into DiBiase, sending the Million Dollar baby to the mat. Trips hits the Pedigree, but it’s all too late as he fails to beat the clock.

    TRIPLE H DOES NOT BEAT THE CLOCK

    Mark Henry’s time of 6:49 is still the top time.

    In Shaq’s office, Shaq and Santino are playing Scrabble. Santino is complaing about the words Shaq is using, as Cryme Tyme enters. Cryme Tyme an Shaq chant ‘Money, Money, Yeah, Yeah’, as Santino begins rapping. Santino rapping is pure gold! Once the rap is done, Shaq is left alone with his scrabble game and says “Vince McMahon couldn’t even beat me at this game”. A commercial follows.

    COMMERCIAL

    Match#6

    Hornswoggle vs Chavo Guerrero

    Why is he wrestling? Hornswoggle that is.

    This is a complete waste of Chavo’s skill and ability in the wrestling ring. Oh look, a stipulation, Chavo must wrestle blindfolded.

    Hornswoggle crawls under the ref’s legs, and Guerrero takes down the referee. This match can only be described as un-needed filler. Chavo wants to go off the top rope, but Hornswoggle has long since moved. Chavo crashes and burns with the Frog Splash, Hornswoggle heads to the top rope, hits the Tadpole Splash, and gets the victory.

    YOUR WINNER: Hornswoggle

    Randy Orton backstage, and he is confronted by Jack Swagger. Swagger says he’ll beat the clock. Orton isnt scared. Swagger leaves, Henry enters, and stands next to Orton, smiling. Either it’s because Henry currently holds the fastest time in the Beat the Clock, or that Henry just urinated down Orton’s leg.

    COMMERCIAL

    DID YOU KNOW?: TNA iMPACT airs Thursday Nights on Spike in the U.S., and Saturday Nights on FOX8 in Australia

    Match#7: Beat the Clock challenge

    Jack Swagger vs Evan Bourne

    Two former ‘ECW’ superstars face off. Evan Bourne has new music. It’s Matt Sydal vs Dusty Rhodes 2.0

    Swagger using his power advantage and gets the upper hand on Bourne. Swagger with an Inverted Northern Lights suplex, and gets a near fall. Swagger goes for snake-eyes, but Bourne counters. He heads up top, but Swagger throws him off the top, then quickly nails a splash and gets two near falls in succession. Swagger goes for a Powerbomb, but Bourne counters into a roll-up, and gets the three.

    YOUR WINNER: Evan Bourne

    JACK SWAGGER DOES NOT BEAT THE CLOCK

    Mark Henry’s time of 6:49 is still the best time, although, in my opinion, Evan Bourne should now have the best time.

    John Cena’s opponent has been announced … the Miz!

    COMMERCIAL

    Jeremy Piven is announced as next week’s RAW guest host! He has a movie coming out, the Goods.

    A replay of Triple H’s Beat the Clock match comes on, then Josh Mathews interviews the Game. Trips decides that if he takes out Rhodes and DiBiase, then Orton is nothing.  Thus, he challenges them to a 2-on-1 Handicap match next week.

    Match#8: Beat the Clock challenge

    John Cena vs the Miz

    Miz comes out on the mic, and gets a shot in on the sports teams. The Redskins and Wizards to be exact. He talks about how all he’s gotta do is dominate early, and then run the clock down. Will we find out? Nope, commercials come first. You know that.

    COMMERCIAL: The toaster is real, Brian!!

    We’re back, and Randy Orton joins Lawler and Cole at ringside. Enter the Cena.

    The match is underway, and Miz is stalling as much as he possibly can, until he has to get back into the ring. Cena gains the advantage, but Miz gets it back. Four minutes remain, Miz with a Sleeper, but Cena escapes, only for Miz to regain the advantage, and toss Cena to the outside. Miz sends cena into the ring steps, and Cena crawls back into the ring at 9. Miz hangs Cena up between the top two ropes, and teases Cena. The ref helps Cena out of the ropes, and locks in the STF on Miz. The normal formalities ensue.

    YOUR WINNER: John Cena

    John Cena advances to Summerslam to face Randy Orton for the WWE Championship. Before you say anything, yes I know, groan when ready.

    COMMERCIAL

    The offical song for Summerslam is “You Gotta Move” by Aerosmith. Nice to see the WWE get a nice, modern band for their music.

    MAIN EVENT or Match#9 if you like it that way

    Chris Jericho and the Big Show, the Unified Tag Champs, vs Cryme Tyme (JTG and Shad) with Shaquille O’Neal as Special Enforcer.

    For those watching, did you notice that loud reaction Cryme Tyme received? Me neither.

    Jericho and JTG start off, and JTG gains the upper hand early on in this one.  Jericho gets a cheap shot in on JTG, and the blue does not suit the Big Show. Show looks like he borrowed from the wardrobe of Mr. Perfect, as he beats down JTG. Show tags in Jericho, and Y2J continues the assault.  Tag champs dominating until JTG knocks down both men. Shaq helps JTG get the tag, and Shad comes in with all the momentum. The special enforcer helps out Cryme Tyme as the start to beat over Jericho. This leads to the Big Show, and what appears to be a DQ as Show just cleans house, chokeslamming both of Cryme Tyme at once.

    This brings Shaq in the ring, and the two big men staredown. They grab each other by the throat, and Cryme Tyme helps Shaqs get the upper hand. Shaq then sends Show out of the ring with a Shoulder Block. Shaq and Cryme Tyme stand tall in the ring, as RAW winds down.

    Overall, Michael Cole has found his new man-crush which is very, very disturbing. This was Monday Night RAW, stay tuned next week, where Jeremy Piven is guest host. This has been your Legend Killer, reminding you, to pick up Season one of Code Monkeys on DVD.

  6. A look at the Hardys storyline

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    By now, we all know that Matt Hardy turned on his brother Jeff this past Sunday at the Royal Rumble, blasting him with a chair and costing him the WWE Championship. From that point, several fans of the Hardys came out of the woodwork to condemn Matt’s actions on his MySpace, many of whom seem to believe that because Matt turned on Jeff, it automatically means that Matt was behind everything that’s happened to Jeff since Survivor Series in November. I’m here to tell you why it wasn’t Matt Hardy behind the attacks.

    First, there was the attack the night before Survivor Series. Jeff is out of action, he can’t compete in the WWE Championship match, and Edge swoops in to win the title. The following Friday on SmackDown, Jeff competed in a “Beat the Clock Challenge.” Jeff’s match was first, where he set the pace. Matt was the opponent of Vladimir Kozlov in the challenge, and he did everything in his power to prevent Kozlov from beating Jeff’s time. This shows Matt as being supportive of his brother, rather than trying to harm him. Ultimately, Jeff tied with Triple H in the challenge and went on to a Triple Threat match at Armageddon.

    Triple H had the WWE Championship won at Armageddon when Vladimir Kozlov interfered and prevented him from getting the pinfall on Edge. Matt came out and attacked Kozlov. Matt’s attack on Kozlov would make no sense if he were working with Edge, because Edge was the one Kozlov saved. Jeff went on to win the match and the WWE Championship.

    In the weeks that followed, the Hardys worked together, competing in tag team matches and supporting each other as a part of the “Hardy Party,” which saw both men as World Champions. A few weeks later, mysterious things started to happen to Jeff.

    First, there was the hit-and-run accident. If you watch the “police video,” the policeman asked Jeff if he know the person who hit him. Jeff said that he’d never seen him before in his life. I’m pretty sure that Jeff would have recognized his own brother, even if he didn’t know the vehicle.

    Over the course of the next week, Matt loses the ECW Championship to Jack Swagger, and Jeff returns to SmackDown, only to be blown up when the pyrotechnics were tampered with. This is the only thing that’s happened to Jeff that the storyline will allow me to believe could have been done by Matt. Matt was in the building, Matt was upset because he lost his title, and perhaps he was jealous because Jeff still had his. Not to mention that Matt was the last person to come out and check on his little brother as he was being rolled away on a stretcher.

    The attack at the Royal Rumble shouldn’t have been that surprising, and maybe things look suspicious, but if you look at the facts presented here, it’s clearly not Matt who did all those crazy things to Jeff…

  7. WWE SmackDown on DVR review – 12/4/08

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    I know, I know, the show was two days ago, but I’ve been caught up in working on a new skin for BoredWrestlingFan.  It’s not quite ready yet but I expect it to be up and running around Monday morning.  I’ve put a lot of work into it, and it’s going to be the first theme to really break away from the original “BWF Classic” theme.  It probably also doesn’t help that I started to watch SmackDown while it was on the other night, and didn’t really feel like watching it again to review it.  Not to say that it was a bad show, at least what I’ve seen so far.  Now that I’ve gone off on a rant about my reasons for not doing the review yet, I’ll get to work on this week’s WWE SmackDown on DVR review!

    SmackDown review and thoughts (finally), after the jump! (more…)