On RAW, the crowd made the difference for the show to be a winner, ultimately, which I suspect and hope will remain a tradition as the so-called “hardcore” smarks stick around for it. Will that many of them stick around for Smackdown? I’d like to think so… but this “thing” is still a new “thing.” Only one way to find out, and you know what that means. Into the back of the closet and into Narnia, kiddo, we’re hunting wabbits. Hopping time! (a.k.a. Beer will make this better).
The only new content on this show was taped around RAW this week, and the rest will likely be all hype, zombie attacks and video packages towards Mania. Hence, this review should be really short. Probably like one jump. Not even hopping, just hop. Now get to it and click that hyperlink below…
You would have thought that the WWE would have promoted the fact that the Rock was appearing on Smackdown tonight. Nope. They kind of forgot to do that. Yet they spoil other outcomes on the same program on their website. Weird. I mean it’s Smackdown, it’s not like we’re getting a surprise return or anything either… right? Something about hopping time. (more…)
Long week, and kind of a sad one. But no need to divulge in that crap, since Smackdown is on… and frankly, I’m tired and thereby, lazy. So grab some industrial sized springs, yeah those ones with the sharp ends. Jam them into the soles of your feet and proceed to turn them into your foot until they come out of the top because it’s hopping time!
Tonight is a special “OLD SCHOOL” edition of RAW, opening with the classic “The recognized symbol of excellence in sports entertainment,” graphic.
We are in Buffalo, NY at the first Niagara Center on a cold windy night, and the first thing we see is THE UNDERTAKER making an entrance. He stands on stage, raises his arms, and summons forth the WRESTLEMANIA logo. Mean Gene welcomes us to RAW w/a voice over and a montage of classic moments.
From there we go to the classic RAW opening theme w/sirens and montage. Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole are here to welcome us, Cole in an ugly mustard-yellow jacket and Lawler in the Red w/matching crown, as C.M. Punk makes his way to the ring w/Paul Heyman at his side.
Punk blames the fans for him not headlining Wrestlemania and for his not being champion. He says there’s no purpose or point in being at Wrestlemania, until he saw Undertaker. Punk says we stole from him and now he’ll steal from us by beating the Streak.
Randy Orton is out next, mentioning his win over Punk at Wrestlemania and getting “this close,” to beating Taker 8 years ago as a rookie, now he’s the most dangerous man in the locker-room and asks the fans who they would like to see face Taker at Mania, Punk or Orton?
Cue Big Show. He faced the Taker at a Wrestlemania but back then he didn’t have his big right hand punch. He makes a claim to the streak.
Cue Sheamus. He’s the only one who’s never faced or lost to the Undertaker. It’s going to take more to break the Streak. It’s gonna take a big foot, all the heart in the world, and a little bit of luck. Sheamus thinks it’s possible with the luck of the Irish on his side.
Vicki Gurrero is out. As RAW managing Supervisor, she decides to make tonight’s main event a 4-way for a shot at the Undertaker at Mania, giving the winner a chance to cement their legacy.
Tonight-Point/Counterpoint w/Rock and Cena, Triple H addresses Brock Lesnar, and Ryback faces Antonio Cesaro NEXT!
Rytman Remark: It took Big Show 20 years to figure out how to make a fist?
We come back to Cole and King offering us the chance to “Tout” about who we think Taker should face.
U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS RYBACK
We go to an old school Picture-in-picture promo with Antonio Cesaro. He speaks five different languages fluently while Ryback, like most of us can barely speak one, NEANDERTHAL! He follows up with a rant in Swiss.
FEED ME MORE!
Ryback makes his entrance as #old school raw trends worldwide. So far the theme is Cesaro trying to be aggressive and getting bounced around the ring, but a big boot to the face puts Cesaro in control as we go to…
BREAK
Cesaro is in control as we come back. Cesaro put up a strong fight but the match ends with Ryback reversing a Neutralizer attempt into the Shell-shock for a three-count.
WINNER: RYBACK
Rytman remark: Would be nice for Ryback to remember to put in a bid for the U.S. title. Then again it would be nice if ANYONE remembers to put in a bid for the U.S. title.
The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry comes out for his match. There’s a stare-down with Ryback as he goes to the ring.
MARK HENRY VS ZACK RYDER
Apparently, WWE Sat. Morning Slam is looking for its own GM, and will continue the search this Saturday. Ryder, who wants the job, goes after Henry quickly and – briefly – actually puts up a decent fight before taking the World’s Strongest Slam.
WINNER: MARK HENRY
Tonight – fatal 4-way for the chance to challenge the Undertaker and the debut of FAHN-DAHN-GHOOOO!
And Dolph Ziggler, w/AJ and Big E. faces the Miz, next.
Rytman Remark: Saturday Morning Slam needs a GM because apparently WWE superstars can’t be trusted to act like wrestlers for half an hour LIKE THEY’VE DONE FOR ABOUT A YEAR!
BREAK
We come back with Miz and Dolph in the ring. Miz gets the mike (which doesn’t work) and introduces RIC FLAIR!
DOLPH ZIGGLER w/AJ AND BIG E. VS THE MIZ w/RIC FLAIR
Cole claims this makes the odds “more even,” with Flair out to neutralize things. Ziggler takes it right to Miz but is too concerned with mocking Flair, and winds up getting walloped. Kick to the face puts Ziggler outside the ring while Flair and Miz both do the strut.
BREAK
Dolph is in control when we come back. We’re reminded that Dolph will face World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio on this week’s Smackdown and possibly FAHN-DAHN-GHOO will make his debut tonight. Miz fights back, gets a near-fall. Dolph tries a small package and Miz clips the knee. Dolph fights back w/the leaping DDT and a sleeper. Miz gets free and hits a few spots before AJ climbs up on the ring. The Ref is distracted and Big E. clocks Miz. Flair whips his jacket in Big E’s face and chops him to no effect. Miz gets a kick to Big E’s head. Ziggler tries a roll-up, Miz kicks out, and catches Ziggler’s drop-kick attempt. Miz wins it w/a figure four for the submission.
WINNER: THE MIZ
Cole and King push the WWE magazine – now with multiple collectors’ edition covers.
Rock/Cena, Point/Counterpoint next
BREAK
IF YA SMELL…
WWE champion THE ROCK is in the building tonight! Rock makes his way out as #old school raw trends worldwide. Rock tells the crowd about how he just got in from Central America – 95 degrees every single day – and a woman at the airport tried to get him to wear a jacket. Rock said he had enough electricity in his body to melt anything made of ice. Then he got off the plane here…
“Sweet Harlem Shakin’ Honey Booboo it’s colllllllllld out here!” – The Rock
Rock mentions icicles on the “peoples’ nipples,” and after ten long years… FINALY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO BUFFALO!Rock mentions we are 34 days away from Wrestlemania… and John Cena takes that as a cue. On the mike, Cena gives Rock credit for all his conquests.
“You don’t know what it’s like…to tell the world… you have to do something, and then fail.” – John Cena
John feels worthless because he needed to win and failed. The crowd starts a “Cena sucks,” chance. John talks about Rock being responsible for his collapse and turn-around. It’s not just coincidence that Cena wins the Rumble the same night Rock won the title, and that he FINALLY beat Punk last week. It’s a chance at redemption and rewriting history. This is his second chance and Rock is getting a 34 day heads up.
“I am not throwing this chance away.” – Cena
Rock is happy to see that fire and desire in Cena, because Cena is the one man he wanted to face at Mania. Rock knows what this means to him, the salute, kissing the dog tags with his family’s names on them, his will to win, no one has that… except the Rock. Rock goes on about the connection he has with the fans in the arena, at home, all over and tells Cena…
“You ain’t getting redemption Jack, you getting your ass kicked.” – The Rock
Cena responds with a quote by the great philosopher Mike Tyson, (not the one about eating children…)
“In order to be the greatest that ever lived, you have to beat everyone living.” Mike Tyson (as quoted by John Cena.)
Cena will do just that, and at Wrestlemania Rock’s time is up, Cena’s time is now.
Rock retorts with a quote of his own…
“Winning is about heart, you just gotta have it in the right place.” – Lance Armstrong (as quoted by the Rock.)
“He was full of crap and so are you.” – The Rock
In 34 days, history will not repeat itself, and John Cena will become WWE champion.
Cena has just crystallized everything about their rivalry. Cena thinks he can beat Rock, Rock KNOWS he can beat Cena. Rock leaves promising he will beat Cena again, if you smell, what the Rock is cooking.
Fatal 4-way later tonight
BREAK
Tonight, Triple H Addresses Lesnar, Cole and King give us another look at the Taker’s appearance earlier tonight.
Jack Swagger is in the Ring w/Zeb Coulter as HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN makes his way to the ring WITH SGT. SLAUGHTER AND DUSTY RHODES!
JACK SWAGGER VS HACKSAW JIM DU-
Wait-a-minute, Swagger has Duggan’s 2 x 4, and uses it beat down (not off) all the legends. Slaughter and Dusty are left lying while Swagger locks in the Patriot Act on Duggan’s ankle. Swagger leaves a pile of broken men behind him.
NO CONTEST
Rytman Remark: The six-man team I always wanted, 20 years after the fact.
We get a quick look at “Marine 3,” staring the Miz, and Team Hell No face the Prime Time Players next.
BREAK
We get another reminder of the 4-way main event tonight, and Alberto Del Rio jumps Jack Swagger during an interview.
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO (KANE/DANIEL BRYAN) VS THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS (TITUS O’NEAL/DARRIEN YOUNG.)
The Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase is in the PTP corner as a special guest, and potential manager (maybe) for the PTP’s.
Basic tag without a lot of shenanigans; Bryan looks strong against O’Neal, but is soon overwhelmed by double teaming. Kane tags in and takes over on Young. Bryan tricks O’Neal over the ropes and out of the ring. While Bryan scores a flying knee, Kane ends it with a choke-slam on Young for three.
WINNERS: TEAM HELL NO!
DiBiase spots Young a $100, stuffing the bill in his mouth. Bryan waits until no-one’s looking, and swipes it out of Young’s mouth.
Backstage, it looks like a legend is returning to Shake, Rattle, and Roll RAW tonight!
Rytman Remark: Hey, Bryan’s not the idiot tonight. Nice change of pace. Also, HONKY TONK MAN!!! HONKY TONK MAN!!! HONKY TONK MAN!!!
BREAK
We’re back with the Funkadactyls leading Brodus Clay and “Sweet T” to the ring. We get some dancing and the announcer introduces THE GREATEST INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION OF ALL TIME! THE HONKY TONK MAN! Cole and King mention this is the city where Honky beat Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat for the I-C title.
Honky is about to address the crowd when Heath Slater swipes the mike from him. Slater runs him down saying…
“You need to go back to Las Vegas w/all the other Elvis impersonators.” – Heath Slater
BRODUS CLAY/TENSAI VS 3MB (HEATH SLATER/DREW MCINTYRE)
The time you took to read this is just about all the time Tensai needed to roll up Drew for a three count.
WINNERS: CLAY/TENSAI (SWEET T)
HTM’s back in the ring to start the party, but Slater’s back in his face. Slater takes the guitar shot and we get back to the dancing.
FAHN-DAAAHN-GOH makes his debut against Kofi Kingston next!
BREAK
We come back to a look at Wade Barrett in L.A. last weekend for the premier of “Dead Man Down,” a new action thriller starring Clive Owen, in which he has a bit part.
Kofi Kingston is in the ring and announcer Justin Roberts introduces FAHN-DAAHN-GO!
Up on stage, we have a lovely little ballroom dancer doing a few steps as…he comes out. FAHN-screw it Fandango calls Robert’s pronouncing “inappropriate,” and makes him try again. After this waste of everyone’s time; Fanny refuses to debut until someone gets his name right.
“Tonight was the night that you ALMOST got to see the debut of… FAAAAAAAAHN-DAAAAAN-GHO.” – Fandango.
BREAK
We return to a replay of last week’s Heyman/McMahon “fight” that became the Triple H/Brock Lesnar fight.
After that, it’s time to play the game…
“TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!” – Lenny (Motorhead)
WWE Chief Operations Officer Hunter Hearst Helmsly – Triple H is out of the back and in the ring. Last time he stood in the ring, it was 8 days after losing to, and getting his arm broken for the second time by, Brock Lesnar at Summer-Slam. As soon as the cast was off, he was back in the gym, with no real goal. He went back to the day job, put on the suit, got a haircut, started training, and got into the best shape in years, waiting for a reason. After Lesnar put Vince – the “crazy old man” – in a hospital bed, after the hip surgery, put aside all Vince has done and the entire family crying their eyes out, Hunter smiled inside.
He had his reason, and he was ready. Lesnar thought they were done?
“Reach up on top of your head and feel those 12 staples, and you know we’re just getting started.” – Triple H
He calls Lesnar out, making reference to the cut on his head where he split Lesnar wide open, letting him know that the Ass-Kicker, the King of Kings, The GAME is back.
“Are you gonna show up and fight, or are you gonna sit there and bleed?” – Triple H
Fatal 4-way tonight
BREAK
We come back to a WWE rewind of Randy Orton vs. The Big Show last Friday on Smackdown. The match ends with run-ins by the Shield and Sheamus, and the Show clocking Reigns with the KO.
We go to a promo by the Shield. Everyone wants to make history and face the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, but in case you’ve forgotten, the Shield has yet to be beaten. The Eye of Justice is watching everybody, including the Big Show. Show got in one cheap shot. It won’t happen again.
Believe in the Shield.
WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett is in the ring and Justin Roberts introduces Alberto Del Rio’s personal ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez, who introduces World Heavyweight Champion ALBERTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO!
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT
Swagger and Coulter make their way out to the stage during the match. Barrett’s brawn and brawling batter down… Berto, while Alberto agitates his adversary with agility. Every time one man makes a mistake, the other takes over. Del Rio wins it with a cross-arm-breaker by submission, and stares down Swagger from the ring.
WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO
Del Rio faces Ziggler at Smackdown this Friday and Fatal 4-way tonight
Rytman Remark: WE GET IT! THERE’S A FOUR-WAY MAIN EVENT FOR THE RIGHT TO FACE THE UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA! WE BELIVE YOU!
BREAK
We come back to a disclaimer, saying that the views expressed in the following video are those of Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter.
There was a time when if someone came into your house uninvited and stole something, they would call you a thief. They wouldn’t call you prejudiced. Real Americans refuse to use politically correct language, because they tell it like it is. That’s what being a real American is about. There will always be a group of people to tell it like it is. WE THE PEOPLE!
OH YOU DIDN’T KNOW!?
I THINK YOU BETTER CALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL SOMEBODYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
It’s the D-o-double-g! With the Bad B-A-double crooked letter Billy Gun, telling all the parents to lean down to their kids and tell them they’re the guys who…
“Wear your granddad’s clothes… we look incredible,” – Road Dogg
THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS VS PRIMO/EPICO WITH ROSA
This is the first match on RAW in 13 years for the outlaws. Team mo/co gets in a lot of double teaming on Road Dogg, but Billy picks up the win for his team w/the fame-asser.
WINNERS: THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS!
After the match, we get another look at the Rock/Cena promo and a tweet from Stephanie McMahon.
“Brock, it’s time to play the game.” Stephanie McMahon – (via Twitter.)
BREAK
We come back to Lawler commenting on his and Coles outfits.
“You look like mustard, I look like Ketchup, makes me want a hot dog” – Lawler
We get some Touts from the WWE universe, regarding who should get Taker at Mania.
Rytman Remark: These guys don’t look like the usual toothless morons that take wrestling seriously. I’m thinking if they’re not plants, they’re playing along in order to get on TV.
A dozen or so Superstars are up on stage with a table full of birthday cakes whishing Mae Young a happy 90th birthday. Mean Gene Oakerlund M.C.’s the festivities as the Divas bring out Mae. Everybody just starts “happy birthday,” when Punk’s music hits. Punk and Heyman strut through the party, on their way to the ring, pissing everyone off. Punk is in the ring as we…
BREAK
Rytman Remark: It’s their own fault for having the party on the main stage right before the main event.
We come back to a promo for Mania. Big Show, Orton, and Sheamus all make their entrances.
MAIN EVENT: FATAL 4-WAY – WINNER FACES UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA- C.M. PUNK VS BIG SHOW VS RANDY ORTON VS SHEAMUS
No one wants to start with Big Show. Orton and Sheamus chase Punk into the ring. Show makes quick work of him. Show takes out Sheamus, Orton fakes out Show, Orton and Sheamus face off with Punk trying to steal a pin when one of them goes down. Sheamus catches Punk and bum-rushes him w/Orton’s help. Show back in, takes them both down. Show stands alone as we go to…
BREAK
When we come back, the pattern is quickly established. We get two guys one-on-one, and when one is down/out another steps in. Show takes over with a KO to Punk. It becomes Sheamus on Show with Orton in and out. Show misses the KO on Sheamus. Sheamus hits the Brogue kick on Show. Orton gets the RKO on Sheamus, AND PUNK GETS THE GTS ON ORTON FOR THE WIN!
WINNER: C.M. PUNK
RAW ends with the Undertaker on the stage, staring down Punk.
Never underestimate The “Unseen Power Of The Picket Fence”. Alice of RWR knows what I’m talking about. So does J.T., Joe, and Jorge of BWF Radio. We’ll see you on Sunday for the podcast. Maybe even Alice will show up and make Jorge laugh? Until then, I decided to continue my streak of abusing my psycological well being and review another episode of The Mediocre Khali Show. Sigh. That dude ain’t hopping. He has no knees, like Kevin Nash, nor legs like Zack Gowan, nor feet like Kamala. But all of those dude’s collected a paycheck at least. I never did. Hopping time, jerks.
[youtube 0DvVYwXqFEE]
Here at BWF, you have No Alernative. You’ll find this track there too. Ask your buddy Google to explain. Look up Benoit, Cobain, Man on the Moon, REM, Kaufman, and Pavement. None of it will make any sense to you, but it does to me. And that’s how, I roll. One more match. Tell Google, G sent you. (more…)
Cena agreed to face Punk for his Wrestlemania spot…
LIVE – American Airlines Arena, Dallas Texas
We open with Vince McMahon hobbling to the ring on his crutches, for his fight with Paul Heyman, twenty-one days after hip surgery. Once in the ring, Vince promises something big every week on Monday Night RAW, leading up to Wrestlemania.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GIVE IT UP FOR THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER, PAUL HEYMAN!” – Vince McMahon
Heyman comes out dressed in a black track-suit and gloves. He tells us this is a night we’ll be able to tell our grandchildren about…
“Tonight, you’re gonna see a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.” – Paul Heyman
Heyman runs down the list of insults he’s endured from Vince and assures him he is “all man.” He compares Vince’s chances of winning to Tony Romo leading his team to a Super Bowl. He talks about how he’s wanted this for years, watching Vince put him and other promoters out of business, and beating the U.S. government. He’s coming for everything Vince has got, and since Vince is in his “executive suit,” Heyman asks if he’s sure he wants to make an “executive decision,” and go through with this. Heyman clips Vince in the bad leg in mid-sentence and wails on him with Vince’s own crutch. Vince gets to his feet and grabs the crutch in mid swing. He tosses it aside and lays into Heyman.
Cue Lesnar.
Lesnar comes out and stares down Vince in the ring, moving in slowly…
TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMME!
“Is it him?” – Michael Cole
Triple H, WWE Chief Operations Officer, makes his big return. Triple H charges in, Lesnar meets him halfway. Trips Thez presses Lesnar; brawl on the floor, Lesnar goes into the post head-first, and IS BUSTED OPEN! Lesnar takes another post-spot and is sent over the guardrail. Triple H goes after him. Lesnar, with a knee to the gut, takes over and beats Triple H down. Lesnar HITS THE F5 ON THE ANNOUNCE TABLE and tosses TH back in the ring. Lesnar tosses the crutch at Vince, and gets a chair from under the ring. He charges, TH HITS THE SPINEBUSTER, and a chair-shot to Lesnar’s back. Lesnar retreats.
Later tonight, John Cena vs. C.M. Punk and MIZ TV with Jack Swagger, Jeb Coulter, Ricardo Rodriguez and World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio.
Backstage, Ryback makes his way to the ring. RYBACK VS DOLPH ZIGGLER IS NEXT.
Break
This Friday, Smackdown goes LIVE AND INTERACTIVE! SOCIAL MEDIA SMACKDOWN!
We come back to a recap of the TH/Lesnar fight, HEAVILY EDITED TO MAKE SOMEONE LOOK GOOD, GUESS WHO. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler encourage us to “Tout” about the fight, promising to show us selected Touts on the show.
Dolph Ziggler is in the ring w/Big E. and girlfriend A.J. as RYBACK makes his entrance
RYBACK VS DOLPH ZIGGLER
The theme of the match is Power (Ryback) vs. Speed (Ziggler.) DZ starts off with a fake-out on Ryback and some strutting. It quickly becomes Ryback tossing DZ around like a rag doll. DZ fights back with a dropkick to the head and kicks to the stomach, but we go right back to Ryback catching, tossing, and slamming Ziggler around. DZ rolls out the ring to the floor, as we go to break…
COMMERCIAL
We come back to Ryback in control, holding Ziggler up in a vertical suplex for a looooooooooooong time. Ryback finally drops, Ziggler rolls out again. Ryback fetches him. Ziggler tries a kick to the face, but Ryback catches the foot and tosses him back. BIG E. PLOWS RYBACK DOWN while the ref isn’t looking. Ziggler gets Ryback back in the ring and gets a two-count, then follows up w/stomps and a dropkick to the head. Ziggler gets a reverse face-lock but Ryback powers up and tosses Ziggler. Ryback misses a charge in the corner, and Ziggler gets the leaping DDT. Ziggler gets two and jumps on Ryback with a sleeper hold. Ryback escapes with his variation on the stunner (which he did as Skip Sheffield.) Ziggler charges Ryback in the corner, Ryback just swats him off. Ryback tosses Ziggler hard a few times when AJ gets up on the ring to distract the ref (and the men on that side with her Shorty-shorts.) Big E. gets up on the apron and gets knocked back down. Ryback ends this with a power-bomb and the Shell-shock for a three count.
WINNER: RYBACK
After the match, we get a preview for THE CALL, a film starring Halle Berry and WWE Superstar David Otunga. C.M. Punk makes his way to the ring as we got to…
Break
We come back to a recap of Cena challenging Punk last week, and offering Punk the Mania spot if he wins.
C.M. Punk is in the ring, telling us we will witness the end, as well as the beginning. Tonight is not about a match, John Cena, The Rock, The People, the WWE championship, or even Wrestlemania…
“TONIGHT IS ABOUT ME!” – C.M. Punk
Punk reminds us he’s beaten Cena every time when it counted, and has pinned The Rock twice in four weeks. He goes off on an ego trip that culminates in the best heel line ever…
“In this world you all inhabit…I AM GOD!” – C.M. Punk
Punk leaves us all flabbergasted, as we go to the video package for the next inductee into the Hall Of Fame, Celebrity Honoree…
Donald Trump.
We get the story of Trump hosting Wrestlemania twice in Las Vegas and his “Hair vs. Hair” wager with Vince, as part of Bobby Lashley’s match that year.
Next is Mark Henry vs. Great Khali.
Break
MARK HENRY VS. KHALI
Trending on Twitter – “CM PUNK IS GOD”
Nothing of a match to speak of; Khali starts strong with a kick to the face, pummeling, head butts, and huge slaps to the chest, but it spills outside and Khali is crushed against the ring post. Back in the ring, Henry ends this w/a splash in the corner and the World’s Strongest Slam for a three-count.
WINNER: MARK HENRY
We get a preview of “The Marine 3,” starring the Miz, followed by Miz coming out in a suit for MIZ TV, up next.
Break
Fandango makes his debut – THIS FRIDAY ON SMACKDOWN!
We are back with MIZ TV! Miz introduces his guests, Zeb Coulter, Jack Swagger – #1 contender to the World Heavyweight title, Ricardo Rodriguez, and World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio. Miz starts off with Zeb and Swagger, giving them the opportunity to speak to Del Rio’s face.
“Well you know I was looking forward to the opportunity to talk to Glen Beck, but since he chickened out I welcome the opportunity to talk to you Mr. Del Rio.” – Zeb Coulter
Zeb, referring to himself and Swagger as “Real Americans,” and goes on to lament the eleven million undocumented workers in this country, how that’s what the “politically correct” crowd calls them and how they should be referred to as what they are, “illegals.” He references reform by way of amnesty and how illegals are crossing our borders and draining our resources. Miz turns the floor to Alberto Del Rio but Zeb interrupts. Miz tries to shut him up but ADR concedes the floor. Zeb brings up the fact that a foreigner cannot own property in Mexico, calls Ricardo “sling blade (?)” And calls everyone Del Rio inspires “criminals.”
“NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOU TO SHUT UP!” – Alberto Del Rio
Del Rio tells Zeb that this country belongs to everyone, and if you work hard, everything is possible. (Authors note: That’s debatable.) He accuses Zeb and Swagger of hiding behind the constitution and makes a challenge…
“If you two have a problem with me, and you have the Conjoins, why don’t you do something to make us leave right now?” – Alberto Del Rio
“We will see you at Wrestlemania… WE THE PEOPLE!” – Jack Swagger
With that, Swagger and Zeb leave.
Tonight – C.M. Punk faces John Cena to see who gets the Rock at Wrestlemania.
Randy Orton makes his way to the ring for his match with Antonio Cesaro, which is next.
Promo for next week, OLD SCHOOL RAW!
Break
We come back to an exclusive from WWE ACTIVE, Zeb Coulter confronts Miz and Swagger jumps him from behind, laying him out.
WWE U.S. champion Antonio Cesaro is in the ring waving the flag, and Randy Orton makes his way to the ring.
WWE U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS RANDY ORTON
Cesaro in control with the headlock, shoulder-block, and the headlock again, Orton fights out, leap-frogs Cesaro and hits the elbow. Orton hits a t-bone suplex, and both men hit forearm shots. Cesaro gets in a boot to the gut, a fore-arm to the back of Orton’s head, and a gut-wrench for two. Cesaro stomps and gouges away on Orton, locks in the headlock, Orton elbows his way to his feet, but Cesaro unloads European upper-cuts. Whip into the corner and Orton hits the clothes-line, followed by another one, Orton ducks under and hits a scoop-slam. Cesaro pulls Orton throat first into the top rope, but Orton catches Cesaro with the chin-lock back-breaker. Orton charges Cesaro in the corner, Cesaro gets the knees up in Orton’s face. Cesaro dives off the top rope INTO AN RKO. Orton gets the pin.
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
Backstage – WWE tag team champion Daniel Bryan and Kane have agreed to let bygones be bygones and focus on their match with the Prime Time Players (Darren Young/Titus O’Neal.) Bryan wants Kane to let him handle it.
“I can beat those guys blindfolded.” – Daniel Bryan
Kane responds that HE should handle it.
“I can beat those guys w/one hand tied behind my back.” – Kane
It quickly becomes the ol’ chestnut of “No you can’t/Yes I can/No you can’t/Yes I Can!” And before we can get to the issue of baking cherry pies…
“EXCUSE ME!” – Vicki Gurrero
“Excuse Me Too!” – Brad Maddox
Vicki Gurrero (RAW Managing Supervisor) and Brad Maddox (Assistant [to the] Managing Supervisor,)AKA “Briki,” would like to see exactly that. Vicki makes the match where Bryan will be blindfolded, and Kane will have one hand behind his back, at least, she TRIES TO, but Maddox keeps talking over her, until she gives him the hand. Vicki gets in the final word and walks off with maniacal laughter.
From there, we got to a classic WWE Wrestlemania promo with Cena and John Bradshaw Layfield reenacting a scene from “A Few Good Men,” as part of that year’s “Hollywood” theme.
Next – Sheamus Oscar Snubs…
Oh joy…
Break
Breaking News – Miz faces Swagger tonight. Also, Cole and Lawler remind us to air our feelings about the Lesnar/Triple H fight earlier tonight.
We come back to Sheamus coming out in a suit/tie. In the ring, he claims to be an “avid movie lover,” and has a “bone to pick” w/the Academy, for overlooking “one of the greatest actors of the 21st century, Wade Barrett. We get a preview for “Barrett’s” movie, Dead Man Down. After that, Sheamus directs our attention to a screen cap of Barrett’s scene. He’s in the background… out of focus… doing nothing. Barrett storms out, commenting on how the Irish love the color green, in reference to the jealousy coming out of Sheamus’ ears. Wade says by tomorrow night, he’ll be a global star in a worldwide blockbuster, and Sheamus will be returning his tux and drinking in a sleazy Irish pub. Sheamus advises Barrett to make sure the paparazzi get his “good side,” but admits that due to his nose, he may not have one. Barrett goes after Sheamus, Sheamus ducks and goes for the Brogue Kick, but Barrett breaks and bails.
Later Tonight – THE SHIELD!
Break
Cody Rhodes is in the ring and his best friend, Damian Sandow is on commentary. R-Truth makes his way to the ring we take a look back at last week when Sandow jumped Kofi Kingston before their match could start, and R-Truth came out to fight Sandow off.
CODY RHODES VS R-TRUTH
Side head lock by Cody, Shoulder block by Truth, Rhodes goes for a leap-frog, but Truth hits the breaks, gives us a dance and a big right hand to Cody. Whip into the corner, and Cody hits an elbow. Cody misses the “beautiful disaster” but goes to work on Truth’s left knee. Truth gets caught in the corner as Cody continues his leg assault, and beats Truth down. Cody drops Truth face-first from a suplex stance, and continues the beat down as Truth tries to fight back. Rhodes gets Truth in a snap-mare and a full nelson. Truth fights out and whips Cody into the ropes, Cody gets a kick to the face, and RUNS RIGHT INTO THE “LITTLE JIMMY” FACE DROP for three. After the match, Sandow jumps Truth, but Truth fights him off.
WINNER: R-TRUTH
We get a look at a WE THE PEOPLE YouTube video on “jobs.” Zeb Coulter says he hears real Americans all over weeping because they’ve lost their jobs, and can’t provide for their families. Swagger mentions how his father had to tell his mother to get a job because his 25 years at a factory left him with nothing, and Swagger had to go to work when he was 14 to provide for his family. Zeb blames this on “Criminals” coming into our country and “stealing our jobs.”
Later tonight, Swagger vs. Miz
Break
TEAM HELL NO VS THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS
Bryan is blindfolded; Kane has one arm tied behind his back. Bryan fells Kane’s face and tells him to get out. Bryan starts off by going after the referee by mistake. O’Neal and Young use their whistles to confuse Bryan and lead him into their corner. They take turns beating him down until O’Neal misses an elbow drop. Out on the floor, Kane tries to help Bryan, but takes a forearm to the face from him. Bryan trips getting back in the ring, Bryan ducks a charge from Young and Kane makes a “blind” tag.
Ha.
I kill me.
I wish you would.
Kane comes in and steamrolls over both men with big right hands, and boots to the face. Kane finishes this with a choke-slam for the three, and we all laugh at Bryan. (By “we” I mean Cole and King.)
WINNERS: TEAM HELL NO
Shield interview next.
Break
We come back to another Recap of how Vince/Heyman became Triple H running off Lesnar, and another reminder to tout about it.
The Shield – Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins make their way through the crowd to the ring.
“It’s always gotta get worse, before it can get better, and believe us when we tell you, it’s gonna keep getting worse.” – Dean Ambrose
“If you don’t believe in the Shield, Justice is gonna hunt you down and we’re gonna grind your bones to dust.” – Roman Reigns
“We solved the John Cena problem.” – Seth Rollins
Shield threatens “no peace” in the WWE without Justice or Honor. They are the most efficient unit in the WWE today and that makes a lot of WWE Superstars nervous, breaking up their comfort zones. The Shield will beat any “super team” that gets thrown at them. They’ve beaten the Neanderthal Ryback, the has-been wannabe rock star Jericho, and Cena IS THERE ANYONE ELSE?
Cue Sheamus.
Sheamus challenges the Shield to walk up to the stage and fight him. Ambrose and Reigns take him up on the deal. Seth straggles behind and RKO BY RANDY ORTON OUT OF NOWHERE! Orton escapes through the crowd as the Shield tries to regroup.
Up next, Swagger vs. The Miz
Break
We come back to a promo for “Old School RAW” next week, and a recap of the RKO on Rollins.
Swagger is in the ring w/Zeb as the Miz makes his entrance.
JACK SWAGGER VS. THE MIZ
The match is basically Miz going after Swagger with fists and kicks, and Swagger using his weight and power to stop his momentum. They trade spots until Swagger pushes Miz through the ropes. Miz gets his ankle caught and sells it as an injury for Swagger to capitalize on. Swagger ends this with the Patriot Act (ankle lock) submission.
WINNER: JACK SWAGGER
Quick sponsor spot for Sonic restaurants and a recap of last week’s unveiling of the new WWE title, as well as Punk taking Cena out with the old belt.
Cena v. Punk is tonight!
Cena promo next!
Break
We come back to a Tout from Triple H to Brock Lesnar.
“Are you just gonna stand around and bleed, or are you gonna do something about it?” – Triple H
Cole says Lesnar needed 18 staples for his head. We get another heavily edited recap of the Triple H/Lesnar brawl and some Touts from the WWE universe.
Backstage, Josh Mathews has John Cena joining him for a promo. Cena compares the match to Thunder dome, “Two men enter, one man will leave,” with a chance to go to Wrestlemania and become immortal. Cena asked for this match tonight to prove that Punk is wrong about him not deserving to go to Wrestlemania.
“Either step up, or you step aside.” – John Cena
John doesn’t care what the Rock is cooking, he’s serving up some humble pie and he hopes all his critics are hungry. Tonight, is for anyone still believes in “Hustle, Loyalty, Respect,” then tonight, their time is now.
We get a quick promo for ROBOT WARS hosted by Chris Jericho AND CENA VS PUNK IS NEXT!
Break
Last Saturday, Waco Texas, THE UNDERTAKER RETUNED! We see his silhouette on Tout at a house show.
AND NOW OUR MAIN EVENT! WINNER FACES ROCK AT WRESTLEMANIA FOR THE WWE TITLE!
JOHN CENA VS C.M. PUNK
Punk makes his way out looking determined, followed by John Cena. Both men get full entrances before they get announced in the ring.
“LETS GO CENA/CENA SUCKS!” – Dallas crowd
We start slow, with basic holds, escapes, and take downs. Punk takes a breather as we go to…
Break
Cena is in control as we come back, until Punk side-steps him, into the corner. Punk goes after the neck but Cena powers out of the head scissors into a drop. Cena gets a boot, running bulldog, and a two count. Cena wears down Punk with headlocks. Punk shoots him off the ropes and hits a flying thrust kick for two, and takes control w/a headlock. Cena fights out, gets a flying shoulder tackle, but misses the second time and goes out to the floor. Punk hits a dive on Cena and is in control as we go to…
Break.
Punk in control w/the abdominal stretch, Punk hit the DDT during the commercial (according to WWE active) and has the anaconda vice on Cena! Cena rolls over to get two and Punk breaks it up. Swinging neck breaker gets Punk two. Cena goes for the STF but Punk makes the ropes and hits a flying clothes line for two. Punk goes up top and gets caught in the STF! Punk escapes and locks in the Vice! Cena counters w/the cross-face! Punk rolls him back for two. Both men spent, down on the mat. Slowly both men are up and trading hard shots. Punk hits some strong kicks but Cena catches him in a spin-toss. Cena goes for the five knuckle shuffle but takes a kick to the head. Punk tries the GTS, Cena tries a sunset-flip, and Punk gets two with a pin attempt. Both men get up slowly. Punk hits a knee in the corner and tries a bulldog. Cena drops him and gets the 5KS. Both men try for finishers and Cena hits a power bomb for two. Cena up on top, taking too much time, and Punk cuts him off. Cena powers and head butts out of a Superplex attempt, and gets two w/a flying leg drop. Punk hits a sharp kick to the head and a running knee lift, but Cena gets the AA out of nowhere for two! On the outside, Punk sends Cena into the post and almost gets the count-out! Cena beats it barely. Both men up slowly, and Punk hits the GTS for two! Punk goes for a second one but Cena catches the knee and hooks the STF! Punk makes the ropes. Punk hits a kick to the knee and scores a pile driver! For two! Punk tries another cover but Cena kicks out again. Punk goes up top…and misses the “Macho Man Elbow.” Cena wins it with a hurriconrana! And the AA for three!
WINNER: JOHN CENA
“I’d like to say to C.M. Punk what the Hulk said to Loki… puny God.” – Jerry Lawler
Cena leaves the ring as the official challenger for the Rock at Wrestlemania.
