I have hope. I have hope that after last night, the WWE is ready to turn the corner and start producing compelling television. CM Punk is back. Rob Van Dam is coming back. They pulled off the elusive double turn with Alberto Del Rio and Dolph Ziggler, which I fully expect them to solidify on tonight’s show. Plus another surprise pops up in the first 30 minutes of this episode, which I’m sure will be exciting for some people. Let’s roll!
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, avoid spoilers like (and from) the plague, and then watch the entire show when I get here. That’s how ThinkSoJoE’s RAW reviews work. Also, I play by my own rules. Screw you, SmackDown review!
I wonder why I started my review off with this particular animated gif? Perhaps the answer will be on BWF Radio this Sunday. It’s the fifth anniversary of the website.
What will happen tonight on Smackdown? Who will die? Who will live? What mysteries will be solved? The answer to all questions is “plums.” And with that, set up the hurdles. On your marks, get set, HOP!
Tonight, Smackdown hails from my city of birth, the mean streets of Edmonton. A place ravaged by gang warefare between Polar Bears and Steve. You know, Steve? Everyone knows Steve. He’s a tough dude. Saw him wear shorts in July once, in three feet of snow. There’s a statue of Jericho there too, inventor of Canada. In Canada, we all hop. Do you hop? You should.
The Dude who invented it says it’s a soft “G”. Asshole’s calling me “soft”?
Or as he would nicely put it, “Choosy programmers choose ‘jif’.” So for all those whining and complaining that they have been wrong all along, deal with it. Just learn to speak properly. I can’t believe there is internet outrage over this. Un-fucking-believable.
And one more thing… There is also confusion on how to pronunciate the internet term, “Meme.”
[youtube 3dErjFPTarc]
Smarten up. It rhymes with “cream.” I have no clue why some people think it sounds like “Them,” or “B.B.“.
This is all more important than more normal preamble, actually. Hit the jump. Hopping time.
Normally I end my intro blah’s with “hopping time” or some variation of such. Nope. Not so much this week.
See, See? You killed him.
Gravity wins again. It’s falling down time smarks, hit the link below. I get progressively angrier and jaded during this review. Maybe it’s just this week, maybe it’s not. The ball is in the WWE’s court on this one…
Well, here we are again. Friday. Smackdown. Ratings are slumping for all things wrestling, as they tend to do in the summer time (Except TNA, of course, their ratings never change). Things like NHL and NBA playoffs don’t help either. But since it’s too late to watch any games, I certainly have the time to watch Smackdown. Boy, do I sound enthusiastic.
RICARDO RODRIGUEZ DEF. BIG E. LANGSTON & ZEB COULTER – This is a Triple Threat match, with each man representing a superstar in the Triple Threat for the World Heavyweight Championship at Extreme Rules. The winner decides the stipulation in that match.
The match is basically Big E. brutalizing Ricardo while Zeb hangs back on the apron. Whenever the tide turns, Zeb tries to get involved but only brings his opponents attention on himself, setting them up to ambush each other.
While Zeb cries about his trick knee going out to avoid a confrontation w/Big E. Ricardo tries hitting Big E. w/his bucket, to no avail.
Alberto Del Rio jumps in and takes Big E. down w/an inziguri. Ziggler takes out ADR w/the dropkick. Swagger tosses Ziggler. Big E. takes Swagger and himself out w/a clothesline. Zeb tries to pin Ricardo, but AJ tosses herself under the ref’s arm to block the count. When Zeb complains, Ricardo rolls Zeb up for the three-count.
RANDY ORTON DEF. CODY RHODES – Slow-paced back and forth battle, but w/hard hitting spots strung together. Neither man keeps control of the match longer than a minute, before their opponent takes over. Pace picks up after the break, and ends with Cody jumping off the ropes into an RKO.
After the match, Matt Striker interviews Orton about his loss at Wrestlemania, and if he’s “haunted” by being knocked out. Orton claims he’s never felt so “extreme” and RKO’s Cody again.
FUNKADATCYL NAOMI (W/CAMERON) DEF. BRIE BELLA (W/NIKKI) (REVERSED DECISION) – Before the match, we see the Bellas backstage, complaining about being shut out of the Diva Royal last week, and trashing them while plugging their new reality show on the “E” Network.
After a break, we come back to the Bellas in the ring and a promo spot for “Total Divas” on E!
The match barley goes more than a minute, with Naomi dominating until the Bellas pull the “twin magic” bit and they get the three-count w/a small package. Cameron complains to the ref who reverses the decision and awards it to Naomi. The Bellas respond to this by rushing back into the ring and beating the Funky cheerleaders down.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION DOLPH ZGGLER (W/AJ & BIG E) DEF. U.S. CHAMPION KOFI KINGSTON – Before the match, we’re told Kofi is a new father and will be defending his title against Antonio Cesaro this Wednesday on Main Event.
Big week for Kofi.
Match slowly built to a fast-paced spot-fest that got the crowd going. Kofi hits “Trouble in Paradise” but Ziggler is saved by AJ getting his foot across the ropes. (At least that’s what they went for/how they sold it.) Match ends when Kofi catapults Ziggler into the corner, goes to the second rope, and tries a flying body-press, but misses and hits the mat. Ziggler hits the “Zig-Zag” and gets the three-count.
JACK SWAGGER (W/ZEB COULTER) DEF. ZACK RYDER – Ryder tries to get the crowd going by showing a video of Zeb getting pinned by Ricardo. This gets Swagger enraged, and Zack pays the price, as Swagger unloads on him. Ryder puts up more of a fight than we’d expect, however this ends w/Ryder tapping out to the ankle lock.
After the match, Swagger holds Ziggler so Zeb can get in a shot.
ALBERTO DEL RIO (W/RICARDO RODRIGUEZ) DEF. ANTONIO CESARO – Both men use the same strategy of targeting the left arm in the beginning. Cesaro fights dirty w/hair pulling and biting, while ADR uses quickness to keep Cesaro on defense. After the break, Cesaro is in control, using his power to hold down Del Rio, and his forearm shots to get a few two-counts, while the crowd starts the “Ole!” chant. (Oddly, Ricardo tries to get one going for Del Rio.) Del Rio’s agility decides this as Cesaro misses a charge into the corner post. He tries to roll up Del Rio, but Alberto locks in the cross-arm-bar. Cesaro tries for the ropes, but can’t make it, and taps out.
After the match, Del Rio announces the stipulation for his triple threat title match at Extreme Rules. He chooses to make it a ladder match.
THE SHIELD DEF. WWE CHAMPION JOHN CENA/WWE TAG CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO (KANE/DANIEL BRYAN) – Match starts out as a brawl, and the faces clear the ring quickly. Kane starts off brutalizing Ambrose, who quickly tags in Reigns, who doesn’t do much better but does get Kane back into their corner. Rollins comes in, and Kane takes over. At one point, Kane teases choke-slamming the ref when he tries to get Kane to back off Rollins. Cena tags himself in and he and Bryan get Kane to calm down. Cena is in for only a few seconds before his tendon injury acts up, and he quickly tags in Bryan. Bryan and Kane carry the load in this match, and are in control until the break. We come back with Bryan in trouble as each Shield member takes turns punishing him. Bryan gets Kane back in, and Kane unleashes his fury on the Shield. Match spills to the floor and Kane takes a D.D.T. on the concrete. Kane just barley beats the ten count back in, and makes the tag to Cena. Cena come in strong, but the tendon gives out on him when he tries to AA Rollins. Reigns spears Cena, and gets a three count.
ANGLES/STORYLINES
WORLD WISH DAY: We’re told about WWE champ John Cena hurting himself on the European tour, and how he made being on RAW this night a priority. This was “World Wish Day,” and Cena had a special presentation to make.
After the break, we see Cena meeting a very sick boy named Nick on the Today Show. He meets Nick and invites him and his family to Monday Night RAW.
Cena comes out with Nick and two other kids who wanted to go to RAW. This was a promotion for the Make-a-Wish foundation and Cena reminded us all to go to wish.org/wwe to learn how we can help make wishes come true. To make it even more special, Cena decides to make the kids honorary superstars.
The first boy, Jacob, declares himself “The Eliminator.” The second, Nick, calls himself “Nick the Stitch.” And the last boy was “Lightning Logan.” Cena goads the crowd into giving the kids a big cheer, and thanks us for making this special moment even better.
WWE has granted over 5000 Make-a-Wish foundation wishes since 1982.
SHIELD/HELL NO + RYBACK/CENA: – The Shield come out to cut a promo about their success in keeping Ryback from winning the WWE title, and run down a list of everyone they’ve put down, including The Rock, the Big Show, Sheamus, and Cena.
The Shield brings up their beat-down of the Undertaker on Smackdown last Friday, mentioning how Justice doesn’t care if you’re undefeated at Wrestlemania.
“When your number gets called, justice strikes without mercy!” – @TheShieldWWE
Suddenly, 3MB, (Slater, McIntyre, Mahal,) make their entrance.
“3MB? Why?” – Jerry Lawler
Slater tells the Shield to shut up. They want payback for the Shield interrupting their beat-down of Triple H two weeks ago.
“Now, we crash YOUR party. And ROCK YOUR FACE!” – @JinderMahal
The band hits the ring, and it goes badly for them. Shield is in control, until the pyro hits. WWE tag champs team Hell No runs in and chases them off.
Backstage: Cena gets his heel taped up. Ryback comes in to comment on it. Cena notes he’s “hurt” not “injured,” and can still go.
“I’m more effective on one leg than you are on two.” – @JohnCena
Ryback says he can’t take that chance.
Later in the show, Ryback goes to RAW Managing Supervisor Vicki Gurrero (and her assistant Brad Maddox) to complain about working with a hurt partner. Vicki says she’ll pull Cena and make team Hell No Ryback’s partners. Ryback doesn’t trust either of those guys and simply says “No.”
The next time we see Ryback, it’s as he’s bailing while Matt Striker tries to interview him.
Later in the night, Maddox tells Hell No they have to fight without Ryback, fine with them. Vicki tells Maddox he has one more thing to do.
Maddox talks to Cena about the match tonight. Cena makes it clear he will be wrestling tonight.
“No, I’m hurt. YOU will be hurt bad if you don’t go tell your boss I’m fine tonight.” – @JohnCena
After the match, (see above,) Ryback is on the stage, smug and satisfied seeing Cena hurt in the ring.
AJ/KAITLIN: The “Dolph-tourage” (Copyright: Robert Rytman) is backstage, congratulating themselves on a great win over Kofi (see above.) Kaitlin and Natalya cross paths with them. They trade some harsh words until Kaitlin receives a package. It’s a hat to match her bracelet from a “secret admirer.” (It’s Hornswoggle, I know it.)
HENRY/SHEAMUS: “Worlds Strongest Man” Mark Henry is out, challenging anyone in the back to a tug of war. Brodus and “Sweet T” both took his challenge and lost. Sheamus came out to take the challenge, and faked out Henry, letting the rope go so that he fell on his ass, then gave him the brogue kick.
DANCE CHALLENGE: FANDANGO VS.KAHLI – Both men are asked about Jericho’s stint on “Dancing with the Stars.” Both men claim to be better. The crowd gives it to Khali, Fandango beats him up.
In conclusion; this was a night of perfectly good wrestling marred by a lot of stupid filler.
