You would have thought that the WWE would have promoted the fact that the Rock was appearing on Smackdown tonight. Nope. They kind of forgot to do that. Yet they spoil other outcomes on the same program on their website. Weird. I mean it’s Smackdown, it’s not like we’re getting a surprise return or anything either… right? Something about hopping time.
(more…)
Oh hey, Smackdown is on again. Do YOU know what that means?
YES!
I see. Hopping time, then.
Just a basic recap this week peep-holes; as the week’s off to a rough start, (family stuff.)
Let’s start with Match results;
JOHN CENA DEF DARRIEN YOUNG (w/”Pancake” Patterson. I will get to that in a minute.)
RYBACK DEF DAVID OTUNGA (Like any other outcome was possible.)
FANDANGO vs GREAT KHALI: NO CONTEST (Not that it would’ve been one anyway.)
R-TRUTH DEF DAMIAN SANDOW BY COUNT OUT
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO DEF PRIMO/EPICO w/Rosa Mendes
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO w/Roberto Rodriguez DEF CODY RHODES
RANDY ORTON/SHEAMUS DEF 3MB (Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal, Drew McIntyre)
DOLPH ZIGGLER w/AJ and Big E. DEF KOFI KINGSTON
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL WADE BARRETT DEF CHRIS JERICHO AND THE MIZ (3 way for the title)
Okay, so let’s talk about the show…
“Pancake” Patterson
“Pancake” fucking Patterson
“PANCAKE” FUCKING PATTERSON
PANCAKE FUCKING PATTERSON!
Seriously
(Sigh) I’m praying this is something Titus actually wanted to do, because if this was any white guy’s idea, and Titus HAS to do it, then we need to shut down WWE, I’m sorry. HOW IN 2013 ARE WE SUPPOSED TO JUSTIFY A BAD FRED SANFORD GIMMICK? The sad thing is, this bit is stupid enough to actually go over, God help us all.
RAW Managing Supervisor Vicki Guerrero and SMACKDOWN Senior Advisor Teddy Long pulled Ryback out of the six-man with Orton/Sheamus against the Shield and booked against Mark Henry. Later in the night, The Shield jumped Orton/Sheamus, and Big Show made the run-in to cement the “face” turn. (Hey, it’s more effort than they put into Miz’s face turn.) So, Big Show is in the six-man, and Ryback gets Henry. My question is why not just book Big Show in the six-man in the first place? For the record, Ryback would’ve been the better choice, as he still has “unfinished business” with the Shield, but since when does WWE care about continuity? I’m thinking this could still turn into an eight-man, Henry and the Shield vs Ryback, Show, Sheamus and Orton.
I gotta admit, Fandango scored some points with me tonight. I dig him with a different Ballroom Dancing girl leading him in every week, I was into the streamers, and the outline of his silhouette from the ceiling. I dig him hitting on every Diva that comes to the ring with his opponents. Kind of stupid, seeing how much I hated “Pancake” Patterson, but with Fandango, there is a small difference. Fandango is still a “mystery.” I actually don’t know if he sucks in the ring yet. There’s still a chance this could pay off. With “Pancake,” I know it’s just a desperate attempt at getting a mid-card guy some heat.
R-Truth getting a count-out over Sandow felt like filler to me. I could live with their “feud” ending here. Neither man has enough momentum to justify a spot on Mania.
Cody had a bit with the Bella Twins and Kaitlyn that I’m hoping brings this “flirtation” angle to an end. It’s going nowhere, and the only logical outcome is a face turn for Cody that he does not need right now.
Side Note: WHY DOES FACIAL HAIR COUNT AS A GIMMICK?
And now the highlight of the night, in the best heel promo in history, C.M. PUNK MOCKS THE UNDERTAKER WITH THE URN OF PAUL BEARER.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkGdq4NOBE8
I have nothing to add, genius.
So apparently, Ziggler is getting a shot at the tag titles w/Big E. as his partner. WWE set this up with AJ skipping out to the ring during Hell No’s match against Mo/Co, Kane and Bryan responded by coming out to challenge Ziggler and Big E. after Dolph’s win over Kofi. AJ demanded they put the tag titles on the line. I feel obligated to point out that Ziggy/Big E. haven’t wrestled as a tag-team in the entire time they’ve been on RAW, and Big E. has yet to wrestle an official match on any show besides NXT, however; one thing I’ve learned in all my years of watching RAW, the meaning of the word futility.
Side Note: Daniel DID get a win over Ziggler on Saturday Morning Slam, so you could argue they’re working a “program,” but you’d be stretching it. (You’d also be someone who cares more than any one else.)
ADR vs Swagger just got personal as Swagger took out Ricardo’s ankle with the “Patriot Act” after Del Rio’s win over Cody. We got a “USA” chant during the match, which might not have been for ADR. I hate to say it, but I did see this coming. I’m guessing a LOT of WWE fans are “Tea-baggers,” and are slowly inching on to Swagger’s bandwagon. Also, Del Rio isn’t working as a baby-face. I’m sorry, but his “champion of the immigrants” routine doesn’t ring true enough. Del Rio really lost a step becoming a face. He’s watered down his personality too much and his “come back from nowhere” approach in the ring is sloppy and awkward. Honestly, I think Del Rio might have to drop the belt and disappear for a while if they want to salvage him.
The last actual match of the night was Wade Barrett getting a badly-needed win over Miz and Jericho. Most people, including me, felt this was a bit anti-climatic as it would’ve made a good addition to the Mania card. I’m thinking if they wanted to, they can revisit that whole “Intercontinental Open,” idea they scrapped so Barrett could feud with Bo Dallas. (Remember that? Neither do they.)
The night ended with the big contract signing between Triple H and Paul Heyman, representing Brock Lesnar. It ended with Trips clearing the ring and brutalizing Heyman before signing the contract. Lesnar came out and pulled Heyman out. Heyman revealed his big surprise stipulations – “No Holds Bared,” and Triple H’s career on the line.
This is where I allow myself to get optimistic (possibly masochistic,) and hope this is secretly Triple H’s retirement match, then I remember his match against the Undertaker a few Wrestlemania cards ago was supposed to be a retirement match.
And we are out…
RYTMAN’S REMARKS: Not bad, not bad at all. This show was a good build-up to Wrestlemania. Still, if you watched it you can see how little fore-thought went into developing an under-card for the show. Stuff is being thrown together and juggled around in a very last-minute manner. We’d better hope the three “big” matches can carry the show, because it doesn’t look like they’ll have a ton of support.
Step 1: Steal a time machine
Step 2: Go back to the 1980’s and find yourself a Pogoball
Step 3: It’s hopping time, motherfuckers.
[youtube tgYzHV7Ftqc]
Let’s do this shit.
Long week, and kind of a sad one. But no need to divulge in that crap, since Smackdown is on… and frankly, I’m tired and thereby, lazy. So grab some industrial sized springs, yeah those ones with the sharp ends. Jam them into the soles of your feet and proceed to turn them into your foot until they come out of the top because it’s hopping time!
…or flippy floppy time?
Yawn.
Tonight is a special “OLD SCHOOL” edition of RAW, opening with the classic “The recognized symbol of excellence in sports entertainment,” graphic.
We are in Buffalo, NY at the first Niagara Center on a cold windy night, and the first thing we see is THE UNDERTAKER making an entrance. He stands on stage, raises his arms, and summons forth the WRESTLEMANIA logo. Mean Gene welcomes us to RAW w/a voice over and a montage of classic moments.
From there we go to the classic RAW opening theme w/sirens and montage. Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole are here to welcome us, Cole in an ugly mustard-yellow jacket and Lawler in the Red w/matching crown, as C.M. Punk makes his way to the ring w/Paul Heyman at his side.
Punk blames the fans for him not headlining Wrestlemania and for his not being champion. He says there’s no purpose or point in being at Wrestlemania, until he saw Undertaker. Punk says we stole from him and now he’ll steal from us by beating the Streak.
Randy Orton is out next, mentioning his win over Punk at Wrestlemania and getting “this close,” to beating Taker 8 years ago as a rookie, now he’s the most dangerous man in the locker-room and asks the fans who they would like to see face Taker at Mania, Punk or Orton?
Cue Big Show. He faced the Taker at a Wrestlemania but back then he didn’t have his big right hand punch. He makes a claim to the streak.
Cue Sheamus. He’s the only one who’s never faced or lost to the Undertaker. It’s going to take more to break the Streak. It’s gonna take a big foot, all the heart in the world, and a little bit of luck. Sheamus thinks it’s possible with the luck of the Irish on his side.
Vicki Gurrero is out. As RAW managing Supervisor, she decides to make tonight’s main event a 4-way for a shot at the Undertaker at Mania, giving the winner a chance to cement their legacy.
Tonight-Point/Counterpoint w/Rock and Cena, Triple H addresses Brock Lesnar, and Ryback faces Antonio Cesaro NEXT!
Rytman Remark: It took Big Show 20 years to figure out how to make a fist?
We come back to Cole and King offering us the chance to “Tout” about who we think Taker should face.
U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS RYBACK
We go to an old school Picture-in-picture promo with Antonio Cesaro. He speaks five different languages fluently while Ryback, like most of us can barely speak one, NEANDERTHAL! He follows up with a rant in Swiss.
FEED ME MORE!
Ryback makes his entrance as #old school raw trends worldwide. So far the theme is Cesaro trying to be aggressive and getting bounced around the ring, but a big boot to the face puts Cesaro in control as we go to…
BREAK
Cesaro is in control as we come back. Cesaro put up a strong fight but the match ends with Ryback reversing a Neutralizer attempt into the Shell-shock for a three-count.
WINNER: RYBACK
Rytman remark: Would be nice for Ryback to remember to put in a bid for the U.S. title. Then again it would be nice if ANYONE remembers to put in a bid for the U.S. title.
The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry comes out for his match. There’s a stare-down with Ryback as he goes to the ring.
MARK HENRY VS ZACK RYDER
Apparently, WWE Sat. Morning Slam is looking for its own GM, and will continue the search this Saturday. Ryder, who wants the job, goes after Henry quickly and – briefly – actually puts up a decent fight before taking the World’s Strongest Slam.
WINNER: MARK HENRY
Tonight – fatal 4-way for the chance to challenge the Undertaker and the debut of FAHN-DAHN-GHOOOO!
And Dolph Ziggler, w/AJ and Big E. faces the Miz, next.
Rytman Remark: Saturday Morning Slam needs a GM because apparently WWE superstars can’t be trusted to act like wrestlers for half an hour LIKE THEY’VE DONE FOR ABOUT A YEAR!
BREAK
We come back with Miz and Dolph in the ring. Miz gets the mike (which doesn’t work) and introduces RIC FLAIR!
DOLPH ZIGGLER w/AJ AND BIG E. VS THE MIZ w/RIC FLAIR
Cole claims this makes the odds “more even,” with Flair out to neutralize things. Ziggler takes it right to Miz but is too concerned with mocking Flair, and winds up getting walloped. Kick to the face puts Ziggler outside the ring while Flair and Miz both do the strut.
BREAK
Dolph is in control when we come back. We’re reminded that Dolph will face World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio on this week’s Smackdown and possibly FAHN-DAHN-GHOO will make his debut tonight. Miz fights back, gets a near-fall. Dolph tries a small package and Miz clips the knee. Dolph fights back w/the leaping DDT and a sleeper. Miz gets free and hits a few spots before AJ climbs up on the ring. The Ref is distracted and Big E. clocks Miz. Flair whips his jacket in Big E’s face and chops him to no effect. Miz gets a kick to Big E’s head. Ziggler tries a roll-up, Miz kicks out, and catches Ziggler’s drop-kick attempt. Miz wins it w/a figure four for the submission.
WINNER: THE MIZ
Cole and King push the WWE magazine – now with multiple collectors’ edition covers.
Rock/Cena, Point/Counterpoint next
BREAK
IF YA SMELL…
WWE champion THE ROCK is in the building tonight! Rock makes his way out as #old school raw trends worldwide. Rock tells the crowd about how he just got in from Central America – 95 degrees every single day – and a woman at the airport tried to get him to wear a jacket. Rock said he had enough electricity in his body to melt anything made of ice. Then he got off the plane here…
“Sweet Harlem Shakin’ Honey Booboo it’s colllllllllld out here!” – The Rock
Rock mentions icicles on the “peoples’ nipples,” and after ten long years… FINALY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO BUFFALO! Rock mentions we are 34 days away from Wrestlemania… and John Cena takes that as a cue. On the mike, Cena gives Rock credit for all his conquests.
“You don’t know what it’s like…to tell the world… you have to do something, and then fail.” – John Cena
John feels worthless because he needed to win and failed. The crowd starts a “Cena sucks,” chance. John talks about Rock being responsible for his collapse and turn-around. It’s not just coincidence that Cena wins the Rumble the same night Rock won the title, and that he FINALLY beat Punk last week. It’s a chance at redemption and rewriting history. This is his second chance and Rock is getting a 34 day heads up.
“I am not throwing this chance away.” – Cena
Rock is happy to see that fire and desire in Cena, because Cena is the one man he wanted to face at Mania. Rock knows what this means to him, the salute, kissing the dog tags with his family’s names on them, his will to win, no one has that… except the Rock. Rock goes on about the connection he has with the fans in the arena, at home, all over and tells Cena…
“You ain’t getting redemption Jack, you getting your ass kicked.” – The Rock
Cena responds with a quote by the great philosopher Mike Tyson, (not the one about eating children…)
“In order to be the greatest that ever lived, you have to beat everyone living.” Mike Tyson (as quoted by John Cena.)
Cena will do just that, and at Wrestlemania Rock’s time is up, Cena’s time is now.
Rock retorts with a quote of his own…
“Winning is about heart, you just gotta have it in the right place.” – Lance Armstrong (as quoted by the Rock.)
“He was full of crap and so are you.” – The Rock
In 34 days, history will not repeat itself, and John Cena will become WWE champion.
Cena has just crystallized everything about their rivalry. Cena thinks he can beat Rock, Rock KNOWS he can beat Cena. Rock leaves promising he will beat Cena again, if you smell, what the Rock is cooking.
Fatal 4-way later tonight
BREAK
Tonight, Triple H Addresses Lesnar, Cole and King give us another look at the Taker’s appearance earlier tonight.
Jack Swagger is in the Ring w/Zeb Coulter as HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN makes his way to the ring WITH SGT. SLAUGHTER AND DUSTY RHODES!
JACK SWAGGER VS HACKSAW JIM DU-
Wait-a-minute, Swagger has Duggan’s 2 x 4, and uses it beat down (not off) all the legends. Slaughter and Dusty are left lying while Swagger locks in the Patriot Act on Duggan’s ankle. Swagger leaves a pile of broken men behind him.
NO CONTEST
Rytman Remark: The six-man team I always wanted, 20 years after the fact.
We get a quick look at “Marine 3,” staring the Miz, and Team Hell No face the Prime Time Players next.
BREAK
We get another reminder of the 4-way main event tonight, and Alberto Del Rio jumps Jack Swagger during an interview.
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO (KANE/DANIEL BRYAN) VS THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS (TITUS O’NEAL/DARRIEN YOUNG.)
The Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase is in the PTP corner as a special guest, and potential manager (maybe) for the PTP’s.
Basic tag without a lot of shenanigans; Bryan looks strong against O’Neal, but is soon overwhelmed by double teaming. Kane tags in and takes over on Young. Bryan tricks O’Neal over the ropes and out of the ring. While Bryan scores a flying knee, Kane ends it with a choke-slam on Young for three.
WINNERS: TEAM HELL NO!
DiBiase spots Young a $100, stuffing the bill in his mouth. Bryan waits until no-one’s looking, and swipes it out of Young’s mouth.
Backstage, it looks like a legend is returning to Shake, Rattle, and Roll RAW tonight!
Rytman Remark: Hey, Bryan’s not the idiot tonight. Nice change of pace. Also, HONKY TONK MAN!!! HONKY TONK MAN!!! HONKY TONK MAN!!!
BREAK
We’re back with the Funkadactyls leading Brodus Clay and “Sweet T” to the ring. We get some dancing and the announcer introduces THE GREATEST INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION OF ALL TIME! THE HONKY TONK MAN! Cole and King mention this is the city where Honky beat Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat for the I-C title.
Honky is about to address the crowd when Heath Slater swipes the mike from him. Slater runs him down saying…
“You need to go back to Las Vegas w/all the other Elvis impersonators.” – Heath Slater
BRODUS CLAY/TENSAI VS 3MB (HEATH SLATER/DREW MCINTYRE)
The time you took to read this is just about all the time Tensai needed to roll up Drew for a three count.
WINNERS: CLAY/TENSAI (SWEET T)
HTM’s back in the ring to start the party, but Slater’s back in his face. Slater takes the guitar shot and we get back to the dancing.
FAHN-DAAAHN-GOH makes his debut against Kofi Kingston next!
BREAK
We come back to a look at Wade Barrett in L.A. last weekend for the premier of “Dead Man Down,” a new action thriller starring Clive Owen, in which he has a bit part.
Kofi Kingston is in the ring and announcer Justin Roberts introduces FAHN-DAAHN-GO!
Up on stage, we have a lovely little ballroom dancer doing a few steps as…he comes out. FAHN-screw it Fandango calls Robert’s pronouncing “inappropriate,” and makes him try again. After this waste of everyone’s time; Fanny refuses to debut until someone gets his name right.
“Tonight was the night that you ALMOST got to see the debut of… FAAAAAAAAHN-DAAAAAN-GHO.” – Fandango.
BREAK
We return to a replay of last week’s Heyman/McMahon “fight” that became the Triple H/Brock Lesnar fight.
After that, it’s time to play the game…
“TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!” – Lenny (Motorhead)
WWE Chief Operations Officer Hunter Hearst Helmsly – Triple H is out of the back and in the ring. Last time he stood in the ring, it was 8 days after losing to, and getting his arm broken for the second time by, Brock Lesnar at Summer-Slam. As soon as the cast was off, he was back in the gym, with no real goal. He went back to the day job, put on the suit, got a haircut, started training, and got into the best shape in years, waiting for a reason. After Lesnar put Vince – the “crazy old man” – in a hospital bed, after the hip surgery, put aside all Vince has done and the entire family crying their eyes out, Hunter smiled inside.
He had his reason, and he was ready. Lesnar thought they were done?
“Reach up on top of your head and feel those 12 staples, and you know we’re just getting started.” – Triple H
He calls Lesnar out, making reference to the cut on his head where he split Lesnar wide open, letting him know that the Ass-Kicker, the King of Kings, The GAME is back.
“Are you gonna show up and fight, or are you gonna sit there and bleed?” – Triple H
Fatal 4-way tonight
BREAK
We come back to a WWE rewind of Randy Orton vs. The Big Show last Friday on Smackdown. The match ends with run-ins by the Shield and Sheamus, and the Show clocking Reigns with the KO.
We go to a promo by the Shield. Everyone wants to make history and face the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, but in case you’ve forgotten, the Shield has yet to be beaten. The Eye of Justice is watching everybody, including the Big Show. Show got in one cheap shot. It won’t happen again.
Believe in the Shield.
WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett is in the ring and Justin Roberts introduces Alberto Del Rio’s personal ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez, who introduces World Heavyweight Champion ALBERTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO!
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT
Swagger and Coulter make their way out to the stage during the match. Barrett’s brawn and brawling batter down… Berto, while Alberto agitates his adversary with agility. Every time one man makes a mistake, the other takes over. Del Rio wins it with a cross-arm-breaker by submission, and stares down Swagger from the ring.
WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO
Del Rio faces Ziggler at Smackdown this Friday and Fatal 4-way tonight
Rytman Remark: WE GET IT! THERE’S A FOUR-WAY MAIN EVENT FOR THE RIGHT TO FACE THE UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA! WE BELIVE YOU!
BREAK
We come back to a disclaimer, saying that the views expressed in the following video are those of Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter.
There was a time when if someone came into your house uninvited and stole something, they would call you a thief. They wouldn’t call you prejudiced. Real Americans refuse to use politically correct language, because they tell it like it is. That’s what being a real American is about. There will always be a group of people to tell it like it is. WE THE PEOPLE!
OH YOU DIDN’T KNOW!?
I THINK YOU BETTER CALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL SOMEBODYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
It’s the D-o-double-g! With the Bad B-A-double crooked letter Billy Gun, telling all the parents to lean down to their kids and tell them they’re the guys who…
“Wear your granddad’s clothes… we look incredible,” – Road Dogg
THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS VS PRIMO/EPICO WITH ROSA
This is the first match on RAW in 13 years for the outlaws. Team mo/co gets in a lot of double teaming on Road Dogg, but Billy picks up the win for his team w/the fame-asser.
WINNERS: THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS!
After the match, we get another look at the Rock/Cena promo and a tweet from Stephanie McMahon.
“Brock, it’s time to play the game.” Stephanie McMahon – (via Twitter.)
BREAK
We come back to Lawler commenting on his and Coles outfits.
“You look like mustard, I look like Ketchup, makes me want a hot dog” – Lawler
We get some Touts from the WWE universe, regarding who should get Taker at Mania.
Rytman Remark: These guys don’t look like the usual toothless morons that take wrestling seriously. I’m thinking if they’re not plants, they’re playing along in order to get on TV.
A dozen or so Superstars are up on stage with a table full of birthday cakes whishing Mae Young a happy 90th birthday. Mean Gene Oakerlund M.C.’s the festivities as the Divas bring out Mae. Everybody just starts “happy birthday,” when Punk’s music hits. Punk and Heyman strut through the party, on their way to the ring, pissing everyone off. Punk is in the ring as we…
BREAK
Rytman Remark: It’s their own fault for having the party on the main stage right before the main event.
We come back to a promo for Mania. Big Show, Orton, and Sheamus all make their entrances.
MAIN EVENT: FATAL 4-WAY – WINNER FACES UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA- C.M. PUNK VS BIG SHOW VS RANDY ORTON VS SHEAMUS
No one wants to start with Big Show. Orton and Sheamus chase Punk into the ring. Show makes quick work of him. Show takes out Sheamus, Orton fakes out Show, Orton and Sheamus face off with Punk trying to steal a pin when one of them goes down. Sheamus catches Punk and bum-rushes him w/Orton’s help. Show back in, takes them both down. Show stands alone as we go to…
BREAK
When we come back, the pattern is quickly established. We get two guys one-on-one, and when one is down/out another steps in. Show takes over with a KO to Punk. It becomes Sheamus on Show with Orton in and out. Show misses the KO on Sheamus. Sheamus hits the Brogue kick on Show. Orton gets the RKO on Sheamus, AND PUNK GETS THE GTS ON ORTON FOR THE WIN!
WINNER: C.M. PUNK
RAW ends with the Undertaker on the stage, staring down Punk.
Never underestimate The “Unseen Power Of The Picket Fence”. Alice of RWR knows what I’m talking about. So does J.T., Joe, and Jorge of BWF Radio. We’ll see you on Sunday for the podcast. Maybe even Alice will show up and make Jorge laugh? Until then, I decided to continue my streak of abusing my psycological well being and review another episode of The Mediocre Khali Show. Sigh. That dude ain’t hopping. He has no knees, like Kevin Nash, nor legs like Zack Gowan, nor feet like Kamala. But all of those dude’s collected a paycheck at least. I never did. Hopping time, jerks.
[youtube 0DvVYwXqFEE]
Here at BWF, you have No Alernative. You’ll find this track there too. Ask your buddy Google to explain. Look up Benoit, Cobain, Man on the Moon, REM, Kaufman, and Pavement. None of it will make any sense to you, but it does to me. And that’s how, I roll. One more match. Tell Google, G sent you.
(more…)
Obviously with Jack Swagger getting a DUI for smoking marijuana and driving erratically on Wednesday, the impact of said offense will not be reflected on tonight’s Smackdown. It will, however, leave one to speculate on whether this is the last time we see Jack Swagger and Zeb… potentially ever. So let’s all put on our favorite racist singlets and plop down to watch a possible Swan Song of Swaggler.
Admit it. This would be fun.
Well, here we are. One more PPV to get through until the final stretch before WrassleMunia. Good times, good times. To be honest, the card looks pretty solid, and I expect Sunday will deliver a solid show. As for Smackdown, this probably will a whole bunch of clip packages and filler. Perhaps one or two tidbits of interest will slip through the cracks… Perhaps. But, that’s why you’re here. To see what in the blue hell happened (or what I perceived that happened).
Not to sound crabby… You + Hopping = Now.
We open the show w/a montage of the Shield beating down people, until last week when Cena, Sheamus & Ryback led the charge against them. Also, the Rock is here tonight.
Paul Heyman is in the ring, announcing that tonight is the last night we will ever see Paul Heyman. He talks about his passions and his sacrifices, and all the things he gave up – including his parents fortune – to bring us ECW, and Brock Lesnar. He talks of C.M. Punk being the man to carry WWE into the long-term future.
“You don’t have to be Nostradamus to see into the future. And I can see into the future, and I can tell you ladies and gentlemen, something bad is going to happen here. And that Sword Of Damocles is hanging straight over my head, and it is going to come down not just on me, but every single person around me, and that means it’s going to come down on C.M. Punk.” – Paul Heyman
Heyman goes on to tender his resignation, saying essentially that the McMahon’s obsession with him and his dealings make him an obstacle to Punk winning back the title, and with that, he says goodbye.
C.M. Punks’ music hits and Punk comes out. Punk asks Heyman why he’s doing this. Heyman replies that in the land of the McMahon’s, perception is reality. Vince McMahon’s perception is that Heyman was behind Brad Maddox and the Shield, and whatever happens to Heyman will happen to C.M. Punk. He claims Vince is planing to screw them over big at Elimination Chamber and Wrestlemania. Punk argues that he is a “Paul Heyman guy,” and that there are a lot of “Heyman guys” out there. Punk insists that he will resume his historic title reign as WWE champion at Elimination Chamber and that Heyman will be in his corner. Paul is so moved by this show of support, that he renounces his resignation. Punk/Heyman embrace, while ringside commentators Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler make derogatory comments comparing this to the Pope’s resignation and “the most ridiculous love-fest” Cole’s ever been a part of.
The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry, makes his way to the ring as we go to break…
We come back to Khali dancing in the ring w/Natalia & Hornswoggle. The dancing stops as Henry makes his way to the ring. We get a recap of Henry squashing Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara last week, and his win over Randy Orton on last Friday’s Smackdown, which qualified him for the Elimination Chamber.
MARK HENRY VS THE GREAT KHALI
This match BARELY goes five minutes, maybe less. Khali pummles Henry into the corner, and hits big slaps to the cest and head-butts. Henry fights back with kicks and gets Khali in the corner, but runs into an elbow, and a big boot to the face. Khali side-steps Henry into the corner and goes back to the big chest-slap and head butt. Henry blocks a shot, hits a few big right-hands, and gives Khali a short-splash into the corner. Henry hits a big clothes-line, then ends it with the world’s stongest slam for three.
WINNER: MARK HENRY
After the match, Henry gets back in the ring, catches Hornswoggle from behind, and crushes him w/the world’s strongest slam.
“That’s What I Do!” – Mark Henry
This Friday on Smackdown, Orton gets Henry in a re-match.
Later tonight, Cena, Sheamus & Ryback vs #MB…
And break…
We come back to Teddy Lond and Smackdown GM Booker T discussing how impressive Mark Henry is, when Chris Jericho steps up to request a spot in the Chamber. Teddy is readdy to put him in right now. Booker says “Hold up dawg,” and says Jerico has to impress him. Teddy whispers a suggestion to Booker.
“Teddy, that idea sucks.” – Booker T.
Booker suggests that Jericho earn a spot by beating someone already in the match, Daniel Bryan. Jericho agrees to face Daniel “Beard-on” and get back into the chamber and go one step closer to becoming a “seven-time, seven-time, seven-time Heavyweight Champion of the World.”
“NOW CAN YOU DIG THAT, SUKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!?” – Chris Jericho.
Jericho walks off, leaving Booker wide-eyed in disbelief.
We shift to Vicki Guerrero in her office, on the phone. Heyman walks in, demanding her time. He requests that Vicki add a stipulation to the WWE title match at Elimination Chamber. If the Rock is counted out/disqualified, Punk will be awarded the title. Vicki refuses, then her phone rings. It’s Vince McMahon. Heyman tries to brown-nose Vinny Mac, but Vince cuts him off and demands to know what stipulation he wants. Heyman makes a sheepish request for the count-out/dq stip, and Vince agrees. Heyman thanks Vince for the stip and goes on to call him a “father figure.” Vince hangs up on him. Heyman says Vicki has a lousy phone, and Vicki laughs.
Daniel Bryan makes his way to the ring as we go to break…
We come back to a promo for “FANDANGO” coming soon, followed by Jericho making his way to the ring.
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION DANIEL BRYAN VS CHRIS JERICHO
The bell rings. Jericho scores two schoolboy roll-ups, two arm-drags, and an ARMBAR! Bryan reverses it into a wrist-lock and a hammer-lock. Booker T and Teddy Long watch a monitor from backstage. Jericho elbows Bryan’s face and hits the ropes. Bryan leap-frogs Jericho, drops down, Jericho goes over, and Bryan hits a knee to Jericho. Bryan kicks Jericho in the chest, the back, hits a snap-mare, a knee-drop, he gets two, and goes to work on Jericho’s arm. Bryan wrist-locks Jericho, works the arm over his shoulder, Jericho reverses the wrist-lock and scores a chop. Jericho puts the boot to him and backs Bryan into the corner with a forearm smash. Bryan reverses a whip into the ropes, Jericho hits a kick to the face, but Bryan sends him up, over, and out to the floor. Bryan tosses Jericho back in. Jericho hits a shoulder-block, but misses a second-rope ricochet body-press and lands on the floor. Bryan hits a flying tackle through the ropes, and both men are hurting as we go to break…
As we come back, Bryan slides out of a suplex attempt, and rolls Jericho up for two. Jericho kicks out and hits a clothes-line. Jericho chokes Bryan in the corner, whips him across the ring, charges into a boot, and Bryan hits the charging drop-kick in the corner on Jericho. Jericho reverses a whip, Bryan goes up the corner ropes and over Jericho, Jericho hits two shoulder-blocks, and Bryan sends him over the ropes. Jericho lands on his feet, goes up-top, misses a flying fore-arm, and Bryan hits a clothes-line. Bryan charges Jericho, Jericho catches the legs and goes for the Walls Of Jericho. Bryan flips him off but runs into an elbow. Jericho goes for a Lion-sault but hits the knees of Bryan. Bryan goes up-top but Jericho cuts him off and crotches him on the top corner. Jericho hits a chop and goes for a super-plex, but Bryan shoves him off and scores a flying head-butt for two. Bryan hits a few knees to the face, but Jericho catches a leg and hooks the Walls Of Jericho! Bryan holds on and powers out of it, twisting it into a “No-Lock” attempt, but can’t lock his hands. Jericho reverses it into another WOJ attempt, but Bryan flips him off and hits a vicious kick to the head for two. Bryan gets the crowd going “Yes!” by going “No!” and sets in with shin kicks to Jericho. Jericho tries another roll-up, Bryan kicks out, and Jericho hits the Code-breaker for a three-count.
WINNER: CHRIS JERICHO
Jericho is now in the Elimination Chamber. Later tonight, the Shield will address us. Up next, John Cena, Sheamus and Ryback face the Three Man Band.
We come back to a recap of last week, when Cena and friends ran off the Shield.
JOHN CENA, SHEAMUS, AND RYBACK VS 3MB (HEATH SLATER, JINDER MAHAL & DREW MACINTYRE)
Apparently, Jerry Lawler has taken exception to Heath Slater making comments about singing, and dancing better than Elvis Presley…
“I told him [Slater] I wish you’d go to the bathroom like Elvis Presley.” – Jerry Lawler
Slater starts off with Ryback. He shoots off his mouth, plays air guitar, takes a boot to the stomach, and gets press-slamed. Ryback tags in Sheamus, who brutalizes Drew MacIntyre. Cena tags in and faces off with Jinder Mahal. Match breaks down into a brawl and ends with the Cena-friends each hitting a finisher on a band member. (AA, Shell-shock, and White Noise.)
WINNERS: TEAM CENA
After the match, Cena and co. each take a turn calling out the Shield. We go to a recap of Alberto Del Rio sabotaging Big Show’s bus and dropping paint all over him.
We go to earlier today, with Yoshi Tatsu and Alex Riley both joking about the Show’s misfortune. It ends with Show clocking them both out.
And we go to break…
We come back to Big Show making his way to the ring for an interview. Matt Striker gets KO’d before he’s halfway through a sentence. Show grabs the mike and spends several minutes trying to say something. However he’s too angry and just drops the mike, and walks off.
We get another look at the tribute video for Bruno Samartino’s Hall Of Fame induction and we’re told there is an exclusive interview w/Bruno and Hunter Hearst Helmsley about Bruno accepting the nodd this year. We’re also reminded that the Rock will be here tonight.
JACK SWAGGER VS ZACK RYDER
Ryder’s in the ring and Swagger makes his way to the ring with a man referred to as “Jebadiah Coulter,” (who I believe might be Dutch Mantel.) Ryder gets in some offense, but Swagger wrestles more viciously then ever, and after bouncing Ryder’s head and back off the turn-buckles, he ends this with the “Patriot Act.” (Ankle Lock Submission.)
WINNER: JACK SWAGGER
After the match, Jeb Coulter is given the mike and delivers a vaguely racist diatribe about “getting rid of” people who aren’t “real Americans.”
Backstage, Booket and Teddy are discussing Swagger and Jeb, when Dolph Ziggler steps in w/AJ and Big E. Angered that Jericho is back with a spot in the Elimination Chamber match, he demands a chance at the last spot. Booker agrees, and puts him in a qualifying match… with Kane.
We get a recap of Brock Lesnar destroying Miz TV and the Miz last week.
Miz makes his entrance as we go to Break. He faces Cody Rhodes next.
THE MIZ VS CODY RHODES
U.S. Champion Antonio Cesaro is at ringside, making refrences to his brawl with Miz last week. Cesaro says he caries the American Flag to “rub it in everybody’s face,” how much better he is than us. Match is a by-the-numbers back-and-forth until it goes to the outside. Cesaro gets up in Miz’s face, Miz boots him down and goes to work on Cody, until Cesaro shoves him into the ringpost. Cesaro swings Miz into the guardrail as officals try to break it up.
WINNER BY DQ: THE MIZ
We then get a feature about the WWE Wrestlemania Reading Challenge, where WWE talent go to schools to talk about the importance of reading and children are rewarded for good literacy w/a chance to go to Wrestlemania.
Later tonight, we hear from the Rock and The Shield.
We go to break…
We come back to Rosa Mendes shakin’ her thing in the ring, with Epico and Primo. Brodus Clay makes his entrance w/Tesai and the Pom-Pom waving Funkadactyls.
BRODUS CLAY/TENSAI VS PRIMO/EPICO
Team Mo/Co are straight up jobbed out to the Funkasaurus and the “hip-hop-hippo.” Tensai wins it w/a splash.
WINNERS: TENSAI/BRODUS CLAY
After the match, Rosa gets up in Tensai’s face, but is sent packing by some nifty double-teaming by Naomi/Cameron.
And we go to break…
After the break, the Shield make their way to the ring. They answer the challenge of Cena, Sheamus, and Ryback by calling them out. They cut a promo about Cena failing everyday and how Cena will fail again at Elimination Chamber. Their problem is “The John Cena Problem.” He lives in a bubble with no consequences. That’s not the real world. And he’s laid the groundwork for an entire generation of superstars to be just like him. The Shield will undo a decade of injustice, and invite their opponents to “breath as much fresh air as possible.” They stand around in defiance for a few moments… then the lights go out. When they come back on, Cena and company are each fighting a member of the Shield. After a wild brawl, the Shield take a powder, and Cena’s team smile and slap hands w/the fans.
We get a recap of Heyman’s resignation and Punk talking him out of it. The Rock will be here later tonight, and Alberto Del Rio makes his way to ringside w/Ricardo Rodriguez.
And break…
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS DAMIEN SANDOW
Sandow comes out to berate Nashville (the sight of tonight’s show) for listening to Country Music. Ricardo introduces ADR with the full support of the crowd. Sandow starts off strong with kicks, knees, and a Russian leg-sweep/”elbow of disdain” combo, but misses a charge and Del Rio takes over with clothes-lines, a tilt-a-whirl back-breaker, and a thrust-kick for two. Del Rio gets the “Si” chant going and ens this surprisingly quickly w/the arm-breaker.
WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO!
Alberto cuts a promo, inviting Big Show to pack up his bus and go to Mexico, while he goes to Wrestlemania after their match at Elimination Chamber.
WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett makes his way to the ring for a match w/Kofi Kingston, but is jumped from behind by Bo Dallas. Barrett is down as we go to break.
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT VS KOFI KINGSTON
The match is basically Kofi’s speed and striking ability vs Wade’s muscle and brawling tactics. Recurring theme in the match is both men ducking each others high-spots. Kofi dives after Wade. Wade catches Kofi’s head in the ring apron and gets the three with the bull-hammer elbow.
WINNER: WADE BARRETT
And break…
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION KANE VS DOLPH ZIGGLER
Kane starts off in control with big right hands and tossing Ziggler around as we go to break…
We come back and Kane in still in control, until it spills outside. Big E distracts Kane and Ziggler sends him into the guardrail. Kane beats the ten count. The match quickly goes back/forth with each man hitting one big spot after another, until Kane goes up top. AJ jumps on the ring to get a distraction, Kane misses the clothesline, Ziggler sends AJ into Big E’s arms, and his distraction allows Kane to hit the choke-slam for three and the last spot in the Chamber.
WINNER: KANE
When we come back, our main event… a promo by The Rock.
We’re back with a look at the Elimination Chamber match itself and…FINALLY, THE ROCK HAS COME OUT TO DO A PROMO!
Story Time! The Rock regales us all with a story about how, when he was 15, his family moved to Tennessee. He was already 6’4′ and 220 lbs. and not getting any action because girls thought he was a undercover cop. One night, he’s in a bar, and buys a car from a crackhead for $40. After driving for a while, he finds a second crackhead in the car and kicks him out, then abandons the car in a Burger King parking lot at 2 a.m. because he suspected it was stolen. The moral of the story…
1. Don’t buy a car from a crackhead.
2. Don’t be like the Rock at 15, doing all the stuff you shouldn’t.
Rock then talks about being 25 and wrestling at used car dealerships for $40 a night, and dreaming of someday being WWE champion, just like he will be, after Elimination Chamber.
Punk’s music hits, and he’s out with Paul Heyman. Rock compares them to characters form “Twilight,” (Fat werewolf/Homeless Vampire,) and challenges Punk to “just bring it.” Punk strolls down to the ring, fakes changing his mind, and storms the ring. Punk actually had Rock on the defensive, until Rock hit the “Smackdown” (Spine-buster) on him. Rock goes for the “Peoples’ Elbow,” but Heyman trips him up. Punk hits the GTS on Rock, and leaves with the belt.
“Whenever you Bring it, Because it’s mine, I’ll just take it.” – C.M. Punk