Frankly, this is probably the least important show leading into Summerslam we could have. Of any week I take a break doing the review in the normal fashion, this would be it. But, as opposed to posting nothing, I’ll give the results and make note of anything of relevance if necessary. Ready to do a half-assed hop?
Cena agreed to face Punk for his Wrestlemania spot…
LIVE – American Airlines Arena, Dallas Texas
We open with Vince McMahon hobbling to the ring on his crutches, for his fight with Paul Heyman, twenty-one days after hip surgery. Once in the ring, Vince promises something big every week on Monday Night RAW, leading up to Wrestlemania.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GIVE IT UP FOR THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER, PAUL HEYMAN!” – Vince McMahon
Heyman comes out dressed in a black track-suit and gloves. He tells us this is a night we’ll be able to tell our grandchildren about…
“Tonight, you’re gonna see a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.” – Paul Heyman
Heyman runs down the list of insults he’s endured from Vince and assures him he is “all man.” He compares Vince’s chances of winning to Tony Romo leading his team to a Super Bowl. He talks about how he’s wanted this for years, watching Vince put him and other promoters out of business, and beating the U.S. government. He’s coming for everything Vince has got, and since Vince is in his “executive suit,” Heyman asks if he’s sure he wants to make an “executive decision,” and go through with this. Heyman clips Vince in the bad leg in mid-sentence and wails on him with Vince’s own crutch. Vince gets to his feet and grabs the crutch in mid swing. He tosses it aside and lays into Heyman.
Cue Lesnar.
Lesnar comes out and stares down Vince in the ring, moving in slowly…
TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMME!
“Is it him?” – Michael Cole
Triple H, WWE Chief Operations Officer, makes his big return. Triple H charges in, Lesnar meets him halfway. Trips Thez presses Lesnar; brawl on the floor, Lesnar goes into the post head-first, and IS BUSTED OPEN! Lesnar takes another post-spot and is sent over the guardrail. Triple H goes after him. Lesnar, with a knee to the gut, takes over and beats Triple H down. Lesnar HITS THE F5 ON THE ANNOUNCE TABLE and tosses TH back in the ring. Lesnar tosses the crutch at Vince, and gets a chair from under the ring. He charges, TH HITS THE SPINEBUSTER, and a chair-shot to Lesnar’s back. Lesnar retreats.
Later tonight, John Cena vs. C.M. Punk and MIZ TV with Jack Swagger, Jeb Coulter, Ricardo Rodriguez and World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio.
Backstage, Ryback makes his way to the ring. RYBACK VS DOLPH ZIGGLER IS NEXT.
Break
This Friday, Smackdown goes LIVE AND INTERACTIVE! SOCIAL MEDIA SMACKDOWN!
We come back to a recap of the TH/Lesnar fight, HEAVILY EDITED TO MAKE SOMEONE LOOK GOOD, GUESS WHO. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler encourage us to “Tout” about the fight, promising to show us selected Touts on the show.
Dolph Ziggler is in the ring w/Big E. and girlfriend A.J. as RYBACK makes his entrance
RYBACK VS DOLPH ZIGGLER
The theme of the match is Power (Ryback) vs. Speed (Ziggler.) DZ starts off with a fake-out on Ryback and some strutting. It quickly becomes Ryback tossing DZ around like a rag doll. DZ fights back with a dropkick to the head and kicks to the stomach, but we go right back to Ryback catching, tossing, and slamming Ziggler around. DZ rolls out the ring to the floor, as we go to break…
COMMERCIAL
We come back to Ryback in control, holding Ziggler up in a vertical suplex for a looooooooooooong time. Ryback finally drops, Ziggler rolls out again. Ryback fetches him. Ziggler tries a kick to the face, but Ryback catches the foot and tosses him back. BIG E. PLOWS RYBACK DOWN while the ref isn’t looking. Ziggler gets Ryback back in the ring and gets a two-count, then follows up w/stomps and a dropkick to the head. Ziggler gets a reverse face-lock but Ryback powers up and tosses Ziggler. Ryback misses a charge in the corner, and Ziggler gets the leaping DDT. Ziggler gets two and jumps on Ryback with a sleeper hold. Ryback escapes with his variation on the stunner (which he did as Skip Sheffield.) Ziggler charges Ryback in the corner, Ryback just swats him off. Ryback tosses Ziggler hard a few times when AJ gets up on the ring to distract the ref (and the men on that side with her Shorty-shorts.) Big E. gets up on the apron and gets knocked back down. Ryback ends this with a power-bomb and the Shell-shock for a three count.
WINNER: RYBACK
After the match, we get a preview for THE CALL, a film starring Halle Berry and WWE Superstar David Otunga. C.M. Punk makes his way to the ring as we got to…
Break
We come back to a recap of Cena challenging Punk last week, and offering Punk the Mania spot if he wins.
C.M. Punk is in the ring, telling us we will witness the end, as well as the beginning. Tonight is not about a match, John Cena, The Rock, The People, the WWE championship, or even Wrestlemania…
“TONIGHT IS ABOUT ME!” – C.M. Punk
Punk reminds us he’s beaten Cena every time when it counted, and has pinned The Rock twice in four weeks. He goes off on an ego trip that culminates in the best heel line ever…
“In this world you all inhabit…I AM GOD!” – C.M. Punk
Punk leaves us all flabbergasted, as we go to the video package for the next inductee into the Hall Of Fame, Celebrity Honoree…
Donald Trump.
We get the story of Trump hosting Wrestlemania twice in Las Vegas and his “Hair vs. Hair” wager with Vince, as part of Bobby Lashley’s match that year.
Next is Mark Henry vs. Great Khali.
Break
MARK HENRY VS. KHALI
Trending on Twitter – “CM PUNK IS GOD”
Nothing of a match to speak of; Khali starts strong with a kick to the face, pummeling, head butts, and huge slaps to the chest, but it spills outside and Khali is crushed against the ring post. Back in the ring, Henry ends this w/a splash in the corner and the World’s Strongest Slam for a three-count.
WINNER: MARK HENRY
We get a preview of “The Marine 3,” starring the Miz, followed by Miz coming out in a suit for MIZ TV, up next.
Break
Fandango makes his debut – THIS FRIDAY ON SMACKDOWN!
We are back with MIZ TV! Miz introduces his guests, Zeb Coulter, Jack Swagger – #1 contender to the World Heavyweight title, Ricardo Rodriguez, and World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio. Miz starts off with Zeb and Swagger, giving them the opportunity to speak to Del Rio’s face.
“Well you know I was looking forward to the opportunity to talk to Glen Beck, but since he chickened out I welcome the opportunity to talk to you Mr. Del Rio.” – Zeb Coulter
Zeb, referring to himself and Swagger as “Real Americans,” and goes on to lament the eleven million undocumented workers in this country, how that’s what the “politically correct” crowd calls them and how they should be referred to as what they are, “illegals.” He references reform by way of amnesty and how illegals are crossing our borders and draining our resources. Miz turns the floor to Alberto Del Rio but Zeb interrupts. Miz tries to shut him up but ADR concedes the floor. Zeb brings up the fact that a foreigner cannot own property in Mexico, calls Ricardo “sling blade (?)” And calls everyone Del Rio inspires “criminals.”
“NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOU TO SHUT UP!” – Alberto Del Rio
Del Rio tells Zeb that this country belongs to everyone, and if you work hard, everything is possible. (Authors note: That’s debatable.) He accuses Zeb and Swagger of hiding behind the constitution and makes a challenge…
“If you two have a problem with me, and you have the Conjoins, why don’t you do something to make us leave right now?” – Alberto Del Rio
“We will see you at Wrestlemania… WE THE PEOPLE!” – Jack Swagger
With that, Swagger and Zeb leave.
Tonight – C.M. Punk faces John Cena to see who gets the Rock at Wrestlemania.
Randy Orton makes his way to the ring for his match with Antonio Cesaro, which is next.
Promo for next week, OLD SCHOOL RAW!
Break
We come back to an exclusive from WWE ACTIVE, Zeb Coulter confronts Miz and Swagger jumps him from behind, laying him out.
WWE U.S. champion Antonio Cesaro is in the ring waving the flag, and Randy Orton makes his way to the ring.
WWE U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS RANDY ORTON
Cesaro in control with the headlock, shoulder-block, and the headlock again, Orton fights out, leap-frogs Cesaro and hits the elbow. Orton hits a t-bone suplex, and both men hit forearm shots. Cesaro gets in a boot to the gut, a fore-arm to the back of Orton’s head, and a gut-wrench for two. Cesaro stomps and gouges away on Orton, locks in the headlock, Orton elbows his way to his feet, but Cesaro unloads European upper-cuts. Whip into the corner and Orton hits the clothes-line, followed by another one, Orton ducks under and hits a scoop-slam. Cesaro pulls Orton throat first into the top rope, but Orton catches Cesaro with the chin-lock back-breaker. Orton charges Cesaro in the corner, Cesaro gets the knees up in Orton’s face. Cesaro dives off the top rope INTO AN RKO. Orton gets the pin.
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
Backstage – WWE tag team champion Daniel Bryan and Kane have agreed to let bygones be bygones and focus on their match with the Prime Time Players (Darren Young/Titus O’Neal.) Bryan wants Kane to let him handle it.
“I can beat those guys blindfolded.” – Daniel Bryan
Kane responds that HE should handle it.
“I can beat those guys w/one hand tied behind my back.” – Kane
It quickly becomes the ol’ chestnut of “No you can’t/Yes I can/No you can’t/Yes I Can!” And before we can get to the issue of baking cherry pies…
“EXCUSE ME!” – Vicki Gurrero
“Excuse Me Too!” – Brad Maddox
Vicki Gurrero (RAW Managing Supervisor) and Brad Maddox (Assistant [to the] Managing Supervisor,)AKA “Briki,” would like to see exactly that. Vicki makes the match where Bryan will be blindfolded, and Kane will have one hand behind his back, at least, she TRIES TO, but Maddox keeps talking over her, until she gives him the hand. Vicki gets in the final word and walks off with maniacal laughter.
From there, we got to a classic WWE Wrestlemania promo with Cena and John Bradshaw Layfield reenacting a scene from “A Few Good Men,” as part of that year’s “Hollywood” theme.
Next – Sheamus Oscar Snubs…
Oh joy…
Break
Breaking News – Miz faces Swagger tonight. Also, Cole and Lawler remind us to air our feelings about the Lesnar/Triple H fight earlier tonight.
We come back to Sheamus coming out in a suit/tie. In the ring, he claims to be an “avid movie lover,” and has a “bone to pick” w/the Academy, for overlooking “one of the greatest actors of the 21st century, Wade Barrett. We get a preview for “Barrett’s” movie, Dead Man Down. After that, Sheamus directs our attention to a screen cap of Barrett’s scene. He’s in the background… out of focus… doing nothing. Barrett storms out, commenting on how the Irish love the color green, in reference to the jealousy coming out of Sheamus’ ears. Wade says by tomorrow night, he’ll be a global star in a worldwide blockbuster, and Sheamus will be returning his tux and drinking in a sleazy Irish pub. Sheamus advises Barrett to make sure the paparazzi get his “good side,” but admits that due to his nose, he may not have one. Barrett goes after Sheamus, Sheamus ducks and goes for the Brogue Kick, but Barrett breaks and bails.
Later Tonight – THE SHIELD!
Break
Cody Rhodes is in the ring and his best friend, Damian Sandow is on commentary. R-Truth makes his way to the ring we take a look back at last week when Sandow jumped Kofi Kingston before their match could start, and R-Truth came out to fight Sandow off.
CODY RHODES VS R-TRUTH
Side head lock by Cody, Shoulder block by Truth, Rhodes goes for a leap-frog, but Truth hits the breaks, gives us a dance and a big right hand to Cody. Whip into the corner, and Cody hits an elbow. Cody misses the “beautiful disaster” but goes to work on Truth’s left knee. Truth gets caught in the corner as Cody continues his leg assault, and beats Truth down. Cody drops Truth face-first from a suplex stance, and continues the beat down as Truth tries to fight back. Rhodes gets Truth in a snap-mare and a full nelson. Truth fights out and whips Cody into the ropes, Cody gets a kick to the face, and RUNS RIGHT INTO THE “LITTLE JIMMY” FACE DROP for three. After the match, Sandow jumps Truth, but Truth fights him off.
WINNER: R-TRUTH
We get a look at a WE THE PEOPLE YouTube video on “jobs.” Zeb Coulter says he hears real Americans all over weeping because they’ve lost their jobs, and can’t provide for their families. Swagger mentions how his father had to tell his mother to get a job because his 25 years at a factory left him with nothing, and Swagger had to go to work when he was 14 to provide for his family. Zeb blames this on “Criminals” coming into our country and “stealing our jobs.”
Later tonight, Swagger vs. Miz
Break
TEAM HELL NO VS THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS
Bryan is blindfolded; Kane has one arm tied behind his back. Bryan fells Kane’s face and tells him to get out. Bryan starts off by going after the referee by mistake. O’Neal and Young use their whistles to confuse Bryan and lead him into their corner. They take turns beating him down until O’Neal misses an elbow drop. Out on the floor, Kane tries to help Bryan, but takes a forearm to the face from him. Bryan trips getting back in the ring, Bryan ducks a charge from Young and Kane makes a “blind” tag.
Ha.
I kill me.
I wish you would.
Kane comes in and steamrolls over both men with big right hands, and boots to the face. Kane finishes this with a choke-slam for the three, and we all laugh at Bryan. (By “we” I mean Cole and King.)
WINNERS: TEAM HELL NO
Shield interview next.
Break
We come back to another Recap of how Vince/Heyman became Triple H running off Lesnar, and another reminder to tout about it.
The Shield – Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins make their way through the crowd to the ring.
“It’s always gotta get worse, before it can get better, and believe us when we tell you, it’s gonna keep getting worse.” – Dean Ambrose
“If you don’t believe in the Shield, Justice is gonna hunt you down and we’re gonna grind your bones to dust.” – Roman Reigns
“We solved the John Cena problem.” – Seth Rollins
Shield threatens “no peace” in the WWE without Justice or Honor. They are the most efficient unit in the WWE today and that makes a lot of WWE Superstars nervous, breaking up their comfort zones. The Shield will beat any “super team” that gets thrown at them. They’ve beaten the Neanderthal Ryback, the has-been wannabe rock star Jericho, and Cena IS THERE ANYONE ELSE?
Cue Sheamus.
Sheamus challenges the Shield to walk up to the stage and fight him. Ambrose and Reigns take him up on the deal. Seth straggles behind and RKO BY RANDY ORTON OUT OF NOWHERE! Orton escapes through the crowd as the Shield tries to regroup.
Up next, Swagger vs. The Miz
Break
We come back to a promo for “Old School RAW” next week, and a recap of the RKO on Rollins.
Swagger is in the ring w/Zeb as the Miz makes his entrance.
JACK SWAGGER VS. THE MIZ
The match is basically Miz going after Swagger with fists and kicks, and Swagger using his weight and power to stop his momentum. They trade spots until Swagger pushes Miz through the ropes. Miz gets his ankle caught and sells it as an injury for Swagger to capitalize on. Swagger ends this with the Patriot Act (ankle lock) submission.
WINNER: JACK SWAGGER
Quick sponsor spot for Sonic restaurants and a recap of last week’s unveiling of the new WWE title, as well as Punk taking Cena out with the old belt.
Cena v. Punk is tonight!
Cena promo next!
Break
We come back to a Tout from Triple H to Brock Lesnar.
“Are you just gonna stand around and bleed, or are you gonna do something about it?” – Triple H
Cole says Lesnar needed 18 staples for his head. We get another heavily edited recap of the Triple H/Lesnar brawl and some Touts from the WWE universe.
Backstage, Josh Mathews has John Cena joining him for a promo. Cena compares the match to Thunder dome, “Two men enter, one man will leave,” with a chance to go to Wrestlemania and become immortal. Cena asked for this match tonight to prove that Punk is wrong about him not deserving to go to Wrestlemania.
“Either step up, or you step aside.” – John Cena
John doesn’t care what the Rock is cooking, he’s serving up some humble pie and he hopes all his critics are hungry. Tonight, is for anyone still believes in “Hustle, Loyalty, Respect,” then tonight, their time is now.
We get a quick promo for ROBOT WARS hosted by Chris Jericho AND CENA VS PUNK IS NEXT!
Break
Last Saturday, Waco Texas, THE UNDERTAKER RETUNED! We see his silhouette on Tout at a house show.
AND NOW OUR MAIN EVENT! WINNER FACES ROCK AT WRESTLEMANIA FOR THE WWE TITLE!
JOHN CENA VS C.M. PUNK
Punk makes his way out looking determined, followed by John Cena. Both men get full entrances before they get announced in the ring.
“LETS GO CENA/CENA SUCKS!” – Dallas crowd
We start slow, with basic holds, escapes, and take downs. Punk takes a breather as we go to…
Break
Cena is in control as we come back, until Punk side-steps him, into the corner. Punk goes after the neck but Cena powers out of the head scissors into a drop. Cena gets a boot, running bulldog, and a two count. Cena wears down Punk with headlocks. Punk shoots him off the ropes and hits a flying thrust kick for two, and takes control w/a headlock. Cena fights out, gets a flying shoulder tackle, but misses the second time and goes out to the floor. Punk hits a dive on Cena and is in control as we go to…
Break.
Punk in control w/the abdominal stretch, Punk hit the DDT during the commercial (according to WWE active) and has the anaconda vice on Cena! Cena rolls over to get two and Punk breaks it up. Swinging neck breaker gets Punk two. Cena goes for the STF but Punk makes the ropes and hits a flying clothes line for two. Punk goes up top and gets caught in the STF! Punk escapes and locks in the Vice! Cena counters w/the cross-face! Punk rolls him back for two. Both men spent, down on the mat. Slowly both men are up and trading hard shots. Punk hits some strong kicks but Cena catches him in a spin-toss. Cena goes for the five knuckle shuffle but takes a kick to the head. Punk tries the GTS, Cena tries a sunset-flip, and Punk gets two with a pin attempt. Both men get up slowly. Punk hits a knee in the corner and tries a bulldog. Cena drops him and gets the 5KS. Both men try for finishers and Cena hits a power bomb for two. Cena up on top, taking too much time, and Punk cuts him off. Cena powers and head butts out of a Superplex attempt, and gets two w/a flying leg drop. Punk hits a sharp kick to the head and a running knee lift, but Cena gets the AA out of nowhere for two! On the outside, Punk sends Cena into the post and almost gets the count-out! Cena beats it barely. Both men up slowly, and Punk hits the GTS for two! Punk goes for a second one but Cena catches the knee and hooks the STF! Punk makes the ropes. Punk hits a kick to the knee and scores a pile driver! For two! Punk tries another cover but Cena kicks out again. Punk goes up top…and misses the “Macho Man Elbow.” Cena wins it with a hurriconrana! And the AA for three!
WINNER: JOHN CENA
“I’d like to say to C.M. Punk what the Hulk said to Loki… puny God.” – Jerry Lawler
Cena leaves the ring as the official challenger for the Rock at Wrestlemania.
RYBACK DEF. JACK SWAGGER – Swagger looks strong for about 30 seconds, but winds up just more meat on the plate. The turning point is Swagger landing ugly, face first.
LAYLA (DIVAS CHAMPION) DEF. NATTIE NIEDHART – Before the match gets going, Vicki comes out to demand this match wrap up quickly so she can make an announcement. She actually spends the whole match on the ring apron, looking bored and rolling her eyes, great way to sell a match. One high spot is Nattie and Layla doing the old Hardy spot where the face (Layla) tries a baseball slide kick, and the heel (Nattie) traps her in the ring apron. Layla ends this with a simple kick to the head. Vick dismisses Layla in a condescending manner and Layla just goes.
Vicki demands that the board of directors take action against the “mentally unstable” child and put Raw in the hands of an adult, like her. AJ Lee responds by skipping out to the ring, and cracking Vicki in the face. (And the Reason Layla couldn’t do that?) Vicki high-tails it out of there while AJ Lee smiles.
JOHN CENA DEF. THE MIZ (I-C CHAMPION) – Josh Mathews joins us at ringside. The match is slow, dull, and by the numbers. Miz focuses on striking John in the head/face with strikes and kicks, Cena makes his superman comebacks. The match ends when Cena hits four out of five moves of doom and gets the three.
SANTINO DEF. HEATH SLATER – Heath Slater gets the upper hand with a cheap shot after an “air guitar” duel, and then goes all out with punching, stomping, knees, and choking. Slater goes up on the ropes, Santino rolls away. Slater goes to the other corner, Santino rolls out again. Slater gets caught in a cradle for a two-count, and Santino takes over. Santino sets the Cobra, but the sax music hits and Aksana is out to distract the cobra. Not Santino, just the cobra. The cobra breaks his trance long enough to strike Slater and Santino gets a three-count, while the cobra stares at Aksana. Yes I did just write that.
BRODUS CLAY/SIN CARA DEF. DAMIAN SANDOW/CODY RHODES – Sin Cara comes out to NO reaction. Cody takes control by pulling Sin Cara down hard off the ropes. The heels take turns stomping on Sin Cara until he hits the head scissors and makes the tag to Brodus, who squashes Cody until Sandow makes the save. Sandow goes after Cara but goes over and out. Cara hits a flying body-press while Cody goes sternum first into Clay’s cranium. Clay hits the splash and gets a three-count. Match ends in a dance party with the kids at ringside.
R-TRUTH DEF. DANIEL BRYAN BY COUNT-OUT – The crowd starts in with the “goat-face” chants and Bryan responds with deep breathing. Highlight of the match is Bryan giving “little jimmy” a fist bump. Match ends when Truth tricks Bryan into a round of “dueling crazy” outside the ring. Truth gets the crowd going with the “yes” chant and Bryan gets counted out while going “no” up in some fans’ face.
SHEAMUS/RANDY ORTON DEF. DOLPH ZIGGLER/ALBERTO DEL RIO – Faces start out strong, but it’s soon Del Rio and Ziggler pounding on Orton. Orton finally tags Sheamus who goes all out on Ziggler. While the ref is distracted, Roberto Rodriguez – Del Rio’s personal announcer – tosses Ziggler his MiTB briefcase. Orton catches him with the chin-lock backbreaker and Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick for the win.
ZACK RYDER DEF. DAVID OTUNGA – The highlight here is Kane coming out to ringside and Josh Mathews running for his life. Cole gives Kane plenty of room as Kane takes a seat at the table. Otunga actually dominates this match with clubbing forearms and neck-locks, but it ends when Ryder ducks a clothesline and hits the Rough-Ryder for the three-count. Kane rushes the ring and grabs Ryder by the neck, then lets him go. He decides to choke-slam Otunga instead.
C.M. PUNK DEF. JERRY LAWLER (CAGE MATCH: AS CHOSEN BY WWE UNIVERSE VIA TWITTER POLL) – The brilliance of this match is Punk revisiting Lawler’s feud with Andy Kaufman and playing BOTH roles. As Punk enters the cage, Cole reads his Twitter feed, which has Punk quoting Kaufman’s legendary “New King of Memphis,” promo almost verbatim. Then, in a nod to the king, Punk allows Lawler the first shot. Lawler plays nervous, but eventually lets it go on Punk’s kisser. Punk sells it BIG, even cowering in the corner. However Punk takes control with kicks to Lawler’s shins, backing him into the corner, then he scores a neck-breaker. From then on, the match is mostly Punk bullying Lawler; stomping on him and literally kicking him while he’s down. Punk goes up on the ropes, but Lawler knocks his feet out from under him, and Punk takes a crotch-shot to the turn-buckle. Punk stops Lawler from escaping but Lawler sends Punk face-first into the cage. Lawler takes over with the big right hands and hits his fist-drop for a two count. Punk is bleeding, but stops Lawler from escaping the cage. Punk finishes this with a ROCK-BOTTOM into the Anaconda vice. Lawler taps out.
After the match, Punk grabs a lock and chain from under the ring and locks himself in w/Lawler and a mike, demanding Lawler call him the best in the world. Lawler refuses, and Punk pummels him with elbow shots. Cena tries to make the save, but can’t get in the cage. He yells for someone to get the cage up. When they finally do, Cena dives for Punk, who heads for higher ground, while Cena checks on Jerry.
RAW ends with Punk walking out with his belt, and Cena hunched over a battered Lawler.
HIGHLIGHTS
The build-up for the main event started with Lawler calling out Punk and demanding an apology for last week. Punk responds by throwing Lawler’s whole career under a bus. From beating up no-names in Memphis, to a slap fight with a comedian, (Kaufman) to losing at Wrestlemania. Punk challenges Lawler to a fight later tonight. Lawler will think about it. A few segments later, Lawler agrees, saying he’s not the best in the world… and neither is Punk.
We had a series of skits with Bryan in Anger Management classes, building up to his match with R-Truth, that managed to be funnier than you would expect. In the first one, Bryan calmly states his objections to being in these classes, when a small boy in a goat mask walks in. Bryan goes off on the kid, reducing him to tears. The “doctor” running the class explains this was his son, in costume for a school play. The doc tells his son that Bryan is “a very sick man.” Some guy named “Harold” tries to console Bryan.
“Don’t touch me, Harold.” – Daniel Bryan
In the second, Bryan responds to Harold whining about his boss with a brief recap of his program with AJ and Kane – who just happens to be the late patient. (Saw THAT coming)
The last segment has Kane going over (almost) his entire back-story, briefly mentioning Katie Vick even. The shrink sends everyone home assigning them to work on an “anger collage.” Bryan chases him out, berating him the whole time. Harold thanks Kane for sharing, Kane responds by throttling him and snarling “You’re welcome.” Kane made this segment work better than it should have.
We took a look back at Triple H’s career, leading up to his big promo where he would let us know if he was going to retire or not. He managed to kill over ten minutes without confirming anything, but he was gracious to the fans…
“Thank you, for letting me, play the game.” – Triple H.
RYTMANS RANT
Is there a reason every other person is working a crazy gimmick? We got R-Truth with “little Jimmy,” Daniel Bryan with anger management issues, Kane…duh, and AJ going nuts anytime someone suggest she’s… going nuts. I’m sorry but this comes off as lazy. You can’t come up with anything else? Is Josh going to go nuts because he doesn’t want wrestlers to attack him? Is Cole going to explain the last year or so of douchey behavior was temporary insanity?
It seems “crazy” is the default whenever WWE can’t figure out what to do with someone. AJ was supposed to be a “manic pixie dream girl next door.” Apparently that didn’t fly, so she’s crazy. R-Truth was angry about WWE putting no faith in him and tried to imply that they didn’t want a black champion. That hit too close to home, so he went “crazy.” Daniel Bryan wants respect for what he can do in the ring? He must be crazy. Kane…
Well that worked out, still…
You know, mental illness is a serious, real problem. Some of the fans out there might have someone in their family who suffers from this. You could potentially alienate a huge percentage of the fan base, or maybe just make a whole lot of casual fans uncomfortable with your product.
He spells FLUKE and gives its definition. He makes a joke about erasing the “e” in fluke and telling all the doubters to go fluk themselves. He directs his next comment to Aces and 8’s and tells them that he is walking out of Bound for Glory the World Champion.
Jeff Hardy’s music hits. Hardy says he is going to win the BFG Series and they will “tear it up” at the PPV. Aries agrees. Hardy calls out Aces & 8’s because they cost him 20 points. Bully Ray’s music hits and comes to the ring and calls Hardy stupid. He says James Storm is behind Aces & 8’s. He makes his case and reasons through what transpired at Hardcore Justice. Aries calls attention back to himself and accuses Bully of maybe being behind it.
Aces & 8’s appear on the big screen. They main guy says sometimes when you roll the dice, you get the dead man’s hand. He says tonight they will make their presence felt in a big way.
BFG series Storm is 1st with 66, followed by RVD with 55, and Samoa Joe with 54
Backstage: Magnus talks about his match with Samoa Joe. He puts Joe over and says he knows everything about him.
Samoa Joe vs. Magnus
They trade some nice moves and counters. Magnus goes out to regroup. Joe knocks him down with a big forearm. Magnus answers back with a big boot to the head which drops Joe. Magnus sends him in but Joe kicks him in the chest. Magnus connects with a powerful clothesline and he gets 2. He drops Joe again and Joe kicks out. Joe sends him in the corner and follows in with a reverse elbow and an Enzuigiri.
Joe puts him up top, Magnus fights him off, Magnus comes off with an elbow, Joe moves out of the way. Joe applies a rear naked choke but Magnus kicks off the ropes to get free. Joe rolls through and pins him with a cradle.
Samoa Joe gains 7 points to 61 points to 2nd place. Joe offers his hand to a seated Magnus but he just stares ahead. Joe pats him on the back and leaves up the ramp. Magnus grabs a chair and clocks Joe on his arm when he puts his arms up to protect his face.
Madison Rayne says her win on Sunday righted an injustice. She is told by a producer that Brooke Hogan wants to see her in the ring. (And by injustice she means the injustice she is going to rain down on us with her subpar matches and complete stagnation of an already stagnant division.)
Madison comes to the ring. She thinks Brooke is going to throw her a party. He says behind every strong woman stands a great referee. She calls Earl Hebner to the ring. We get a small “You screwed Brooke” chant.
Brooke Hogan comes out and says Earl will not be the referee in any more Knockouts matches. She tells Madison that Tessmacher gets her rematch tonight and she has a special referee that she will announce later. Madison cuts a promo on her and challenges her to get in the ring. Brooke charges the ring and Madison and Earl bail. Brooke gets in the ring and tells Madison to come back. She says, “I’m a Hogan, I don’t go anywhere.”
If the real Glamazon (because damn she is tall) can actually wrestle that would be nice to see. Since her brother is a never was.
Two members of Aces & 8’s get in the ring behind Brooke and she turns around and they back her into the corner. Bully, Aries, Hardy, and Angle run out to her rescue and the masked men retreat. James Storm comes out.
Sting is in the ring and he says Aces & 8’s crossed the line but showed their true colors. Borden says TNA has its own pack standing tall in the ring. He challenges them to Open Fight Night next week.
Daniels & Kazarian talk backstage about being on the back-cover of the new Spiderman comic. They make fun of AJ’s “baby” and Claire’s looks. AJ comes out and says he was drugged and he’s tired of it. He tells Daniels that in their match tonight, if Daniels wins, AJ will accept he’s the father (Huh?) and if AJ wins, he gets the points and is taking a paternity test.
AJ Styles vs. Daniels w/ Kazarian
The ref bars Kazarian from ringside. AJ hits a quick knockdown and he chases Daniels around the ring. They go back and forth. AJ hits a bodyslam and drops a flying knee. AJ puts the boots to Daniels in the corner. Daniels goes out to get a breath but AJ gives chase. AJ hits a high back body-drop in the ring and Daniels begs-off. AJ hits a nice clothesline and covers him but Daniels kicks out.Daniels controls a side headlock. AJ connects with a dropkick and gets 2. AJ applies a Deathlock with a bridge, then a single-leg Boston Crab, then back to a Deathlock. Daniels bites his fingers to escape. Daniels drops his throat across the ropes and gets 2. Daniels kicks AJ out under the ropes. AJ gets in before the count.
Daniels sends AJ in the corner and slowly picks him apart. Daniels hits a suplex but AJ kicks out at 1. Daniels tosses him out again and tries to get AJ counted out. AJ gets on the apron but is again kicked off to the floor. AJ sunset flips in and goes for his finisher but Daniels counters with a crucifix chokehold. AJ drops to the mat. AJ bites his way out. Daniels hits a textbook suplex and gets 2. Daniels hits punches in the corner but AJ hits a running powerbomb. AJ hits a springboard forearm and a flurry of clotheslines for 2. AJ hits a suplex into a neckbreaker for 2.
Daniels pulls the ropes down and AJ crashes to the floor. AJ goes back in the ring and hits a front flip dive onto Daniels on the outside. Kazarian sneaks down to the ring and holds AJ’s foot allowing Daniels to fall on top of him and get the pin. The ref sees Kazarian and doesn’t call the fall. AJ hits the Pele for the win.
AJ hits a Styles Clash on Daniels.
-Sting is in his office talking to Hogan on speakerphone. Hogan says he is going to be there next week. They are going “old-school.”
-Hardy approaches Storm in the locker room. He says he’s got his eye on him. Storm sounds hurt by it and denies it. Storm says he will be out there during Hardy’s match tonight to watch his back.
Title controversy video from Sunday
Roode comes to the ring. The fans chant, “You suck.” Roode says he had the opportunity to prove Aries was a fluke and he did. Roode says he defeated Aries in the middle of the ring. He says he should be champ and now he gets no rematch. He says we don’t understand what that championship meant to him. He says Bobby Roode is synonymous with champion. He says Aries, Sting, the referees, and the fans are the only ones to blame. They chant, “You’re a loser.” He starts to say what he’s going to do but he stutters, pauses, ponders, and drops the mic and leaves.
Miss Tessmacher vs. Madison Rayne
Brooke comes out after the women make their entrances and says she has a phenomenal ref: Taryn Terrell. Madison and Tessmacher lock-up and Taryn has to separate them. Madison drives her head in the corner. She chokes Tessmacher with her boot and takes advantage of Taryn’s full count. Madison hits a suplex into a bridge for 2. Tessmacher gets two near-falls. Madison grabs the tights but Taryn sees it. Tessmacher hits a spear and they struggle to get up.
Tessmacher hits a combination of clotheslines and gets 2. Madison avoids a crossbody out of the corner and pins Tessmacher with her feet on the ropes. Taryn has to physically remove them as Madison gives her a look of death. Madison argues with Taryn and Tessmacher comes up from behind with a faceplant for the win.
Aces & 8’s appear in a video and say they accept Sting’s invitation for 8pm next week. One guy asks the main guy if they have unfinished business tonight; he says yes.
Bully Ray vs. Jeff Hardy
Storm comes to the ring and Bully asks where his boys are. Bully takes control of Hardy and goes out to shove Storm. Hardy hits a dropkick to Bully through the ropes, then comes flying off the apron.Bully gets 2 in the ring. Storm looks around his back for Aces & 8’s. Bully drops an elbow and gets 2. Bully applies a calf lock but Hardy reaches the ropes. Bully hits a suplex for another 2. Hardy fights back but gets caught with an elbow. Bully lands hard after Hardy avoids a splash. They trade shots. Hardy hits a flurry. He hits a front dropkick after an inverted atomic drop for 2. Bully hits a Rock Bottom for 2. Hardy counters a Full Nelson and hits a Swanton for 2.
Bully rolls outside in front of Storm. Hardy slingshots over the top but Bully pulls Storm in the way and Hardy lands on him. Back in the ring, Bully sends Hardy in but gets caught with a boot. Hardy hits a corkscrew out of the corner. Two members of Aces & 8’s get in the ring with and grab Bully’s chain. AJ, Aries, Sting, and Angle come down to chase them off. Hardy hits a Twist of Fate for the pin. Hardy gains 7.
Bully Ray immediately hits a clothesline to take Hardy out. He seems conflicted and grabs the chain. Storm gets in the ring and they argue. Bully shoves Storm. Storm accidentally hits the Last Call on Hardy. Bully leaves and Storm checks on Hardy. Aces & 8’s get in the ring behind Storm and begin clapping. Taz and Tenay are convinced. Storm turns around and they pounce on him and give him a beating.
The Ace’s and 8’s story is heating up and there is no telling where TNA is going next. I can’t wait. Got to love stream of consciousness typing while watching on the interwebs
Last Sunday’s PPV, Sacrifice, merited little results of significance… except that Chyna might be back for more and Brayden Walker stole Matt Hardy’s fat gimmick. You can read more about the PPV at Pintnoir’s recap here. Pretty good review!
However, this week on the newly branded “iMPACT Wrestling,” where apparently wrestling matters, we will be treated to a new look iMPACT zone. As a result, the former TNA has made an effort to make the place look snazzy and showcase the change. Sure, this should have been done for the PPV, but realistically their buyrates have been so poor as of late, I’d imagine they didn’t bat an eyelash at the concept of rebranding the building in time. (more…)