March 25th 2009.. I named this show ‘Wednesday Night Delight’? Am I serious? What the fuck was I on when I came up with a name like that? The names didn’t get much better either.
From then on, The War On Everything, became The War On… and it became a staple of BoredWrestlingFan.com, until it stopped because I stopped watching. Wrestling that is. Not the website. I explain it all here, in my Three Year Anniversary special.
Anyways, as this is now Five Years since we started this shindig, I guess there’s only one thing to do..
After a brief recap of last week’s program, we go right to the ring with Jerry Lawler welcoming us to a dance-off. Jerry introduces FAHN…
No, I’m not doing it.
We get a look at Fandango’s win over Jericho at Wrestlemania, as Jerry introduces Fandango. Summer Rae is out first, shaking her money-maker, and she leads out Fandango.
Next is Jericho out with Edyta Sliwinska, a former “Dancing with the Stars” cast member and a multi-time champion ballroom dancer.
Jerry explains both teams get 90 seconds to do a routine, and the winners will be decided by an audience vote. Jerry reminds the crowd that this is NOT a popularity contest, and they should vote based on who the best dancer is.
Jerry tries to bring up Fandango losing a dance-off to Khali last week. Fandango calls Khali insulting names and refuses to acknowledge the loss.
“As long as there’s a Chris Jericho, there will be a better man. And his name is FAN-DAN-GOOOO!” #Fandangoing #DanceOff #RAW
Jericho gets the mike and welcomes us to “RAW IS JERICHO!” Jericho reminds us he was the first ever musical chairs champion, and the first ever “Price is Raw” champion. Tonight, he will debut a new song about kicking Fan-DUNG-HOLE’s ass all over this ring.
Jerry gets this started and cues the music. Fandango and summer just stand there doing nothing; (might be the theme of the evening.) Fandango demand silence from the crowd – (Damien Sandow: Hey! That’s MY gimmick.) (Rytman: Damn-it Sandow, get out of my recap! You have a match tonight!) – So he can focus on his masterpiece. Fandango starts over but Miss Summer takes a spill and hurts her ankle. Fandango gets nasty and calls her useless. Edyta and Jericho check to see if the poor girl needs help and here’s where we go to set-ups 101.
Wrestler A and Wrestler B are having a special contest to promote their match.
Wrestler A’s girlfriend falls and might be hurt.
Wrestler B tries to help her.
What does Wrestler “A” do?
a.) Realize he’s being a jerk and decide to help.
b.) Re-evaluate his life decisions.
c.) Run up behind Wrestler B and kick him in the face.
If you picked “c,” you’ve been paying attention for the last twenty years.
Jericho has not.
Fandango kicks Jeri-B in the face and brutalizes him for a few minutes. As Fandango prepares to leave, he looks at the lovely Miss Summer. Miss Summer gives us a nasty little smile and joins Fandango for a quick twirl, revealing she was in on the scheme.
Rytman Remark: Summer’s slip was less than convincing; however I did get fished in by Fandango berating her. I expected this would be WWE writing Miss Summer out of the angle, so she could re-debut as her own character, while getting Fandango some extra heat.
Side Note: I have to keep calling her “Miss Summer” because my dod-gamn word program doesn’t understand “Summer” can be a girl’s name.
After the break, we get a recap of Ryback attacking WWE Champ John Cena last week, after Cena and Bryan fought off the Shield.
RYBACK DEF. ZACK RYDER – Straight up jobbing-out of Ryder by Ryback who rides the rails and rips up ribs on rye-bread. He hits the Shell-shock for 1-2-3.
After the match, we get a recap of when Brock Lesnar broke the arm of Hunter Hearst Helmsly (Triple H) on RAW.
PRIME TIME PLAYERS (TITIS O’NEAL/DARREN YOUNG) DEF. TONS OF FUNK (BRODUS CLAY/“SWEET T” W/THE FUNKADACTYLS – Whole match is barely five moves. Sweet T takes Young over the top rope w/a clothesline. O’Neal gets in a cheap shot. Sweet T side-steps O’Neal into the ring post (and it looked ugly,) and tags in Brodus. Brodus is dominating O’Neal until Young gets in a shot to the throat…with the fro-pick.
Rytman Remark: This is either brilliant or racist. I can’t decide.
After the match, we get a recap of when Brock Lesnar broke the arm of Hunter Hearst Helmsly (Triple H) on RAW.
We take a look at last Friday’s Smackdown where Jack Swagger kicked World Heavyweight Champion Dolph Ziggler in the head, giving him a concussion and taking him out of Extreme Rules this Sunday.
Teddy Long is wearing a Tupperware suit and has come out to make an announcement regarding the Ziggler situation. Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter come out to demand Ziggler be stripped of the title, and have it awarded to Jack Swagger. A.J. is out w/Big E. Langston to demand Swagger be suspended.
“First you kick my boyfriend in his beautiful face, then you try to take his title? Classic Swags.” – @WWEAJLee #RAW
Rytman Remark: “Classic Swags,” must become a thing. Do it.
Do it!
DOOOOOOO EEEEEEEEEEET!
Everyone yells at each other until Teddy steps in. Apparently RAW Managing Supervisor Vicki Guerrero has given Smackdown Senior Advisor Teddy Long the authority to change the three-way ladder match at “Extreme Rules” to an “I Quit” match between Swagger and Alberto Del Rio.
Ziggler will NOT be stripped of the title.
Also, the WWE Universe will have the opportunity to decide if Big E. will face either Swagger OR Del Rio later tonight, one-on-one, using the WWE App.
Mark Henry calls out Sheamus after the break.
We take a look back at the Shield getting a win over Kofi Kingston and the Uso-brothers in a six-man tag. On the basis of this, Kofi will defend the U.S. title at Extreme Rules against Dean Ambrose.
WWE U.S. CHAMPION KOFI KINGSTON DEF. DAMIEN SANDOW – Sandow comes out refusing to do a song this week because Kofi’s theme is just as ridiculous as Kofi being U.S. Champion. Sandow predicts that Kofi will soon lose the title. During the match, the announce team mention that Kofi collects comic-books and is a huge fan of Spider-Man and Venom. Kofi wins this w/”Trouble in Paradise.”
Rytman Remark: I’m assuming no-one’s told Kofi about “One More Day” yet.
Mark Henry is in the ring w/Josh Mathews and a leather strap, being interviewed about his match w/Sheamus at Extreme Rules. We take a look back at John Bradshaw Layfield fighting Eddie Guerrero in a strap-match at “The Great American Bash” for reference. (I KNOW IT WAS A BULL-ROPE MATCH, NAG THEM ABOUT IT.) We look back at Henry whipping Sheamus and pulling trucks in the weeks building up to this. Henry scares Josh into putting one end of the strap on his wrist, and then takes him down. Henry drags Josh around the ring to demonstrate how a strap match works, basically dragging your opponent around the ring while tagging each corner. Henry lets Josh go, (he’s too small, gotta throw him back,) while the announce team laughs at him.
Be A Star, kids.
Sheamus comes out. Henry challenges him to get in the ring. Sheamus remembers something, a strap hidden under the ring. Sheamus gets in the ring and the two enemies commence whipping each other until Henry high-tails out of there.
We get a re-cap of that one time where Lesnar F-5’d Vince McMahon.
Apparently, there’s going to be a “12 Rounds, part 2.”
Yeah
We get a re-cap of the ambush by Fandango on Jericho earlier tonight.
RANDY ORTON DEF. ANTONIO CESARO – The announce team spends most of this match hard selling the WWE App. Match goes back/forth until Cesaro tries a roll-up. Orton kicks out, and wins this w/the RKO. I’ve given this match twice as much attention as the announce team did.
MIZ DEF. HEATH SLATER (W/DREW MCINTYRE/JINDER MAHAL) – Slater is almost straight-up jobbed out here. Near the end, Miz tosses Slater off the top rope into his “band-mates.” Slater sells a bad leg. Miz goes after it and wins w/the figure four submission.
Rytman Remark: THE MIZ IS BACK.
…
…
…
Whoop
We then get a spot for the Susan G. Komen foundation, featuring Layla and Alicia Fox in a walk-a-thon for breast cancer, (as in raising money for treatment, not as in supporting cancer.)
We get a recap of Hunter rescuing Vince from, and the beating-up of, Brock Lesnar.
Later tonight, Brock will face Hunter in a face-off.
ELIMINATION MATCH: WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION JOHN CENA/TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO (KANE/BRYAN) DEF. THE SHIELD…by dq. – Just as this gets underway, we’re told Team Hell No will defend the Tag team titles against the Shield in a Tornado Tag match at Extreme Rules.
Team “Hell No Cena” starts off strong as we go to a break…
When we come back, The Shield has control and Bryan is the “face in peril.” Bryan gets an opening with a high-running knee and tags in Kane.
Kane brutalizes the Shield, striking left and right. The match spills out side and Kane is still in charge. Kane rips the top off the commentary table and tosses it into the face of a Shield member. (Cock Talk, Sunday @ 4 p.m. after BWF radio @ 2 p.m. – 1 p.m. in some areas. If you’ve had a p.m. in your area, you know how rough it can be.)
Kane is eliminated by DQ.
After the break, Cena is the “face in peril,” trying to get to Bryan. Cena finally gets a hot-tag and Bryan explodes all over the Shield. (Cock Talk, @ 4 p.m. Sundays, after BWF Radio @ 2 p.m.) Unfortunately, Bryan misses a tag by Rollins to Ambrose. Bryan goes after Rollins, hits Ambrose w/the forearm, and takes a jump-kick from Rollins. Ambrose hits the short-bulldog.
Bryan is eliminated by pin.
Cena is “last man standing” for his team. He eliminates Rollins w/the AA. Reigns gets himself eliminated by DQ when he shoves the ref, and Cena is about to AA Ambrose when the whole Shield jumps him three-on-one. Cena gets the DQ win for his team.
Guess who attacks Cena after the match w/a chair to the bad ankle?
…
…
…
Ryback, why would anyone else?
As we go to break, we get a re-cap of Hunter beating Lesnar at Mania.
We come back to Matt Striker interviewing Ryback backstage. Ryback tried to play by the rules, but all it got him was screwed (Cock Talk, @ 4 p.m. Sundays, after BWF Radio @ 2 p.m.) out of the title. This Sunday, he plays by his own rules.
#Ryback Rules
We get a recap of last week, when Swagger went off on everyone w/a ladder.
Big E. is out w/A.J. as we’re shown Swagger taking Ziggler out of Extreme Rules w/a kick to the head, causing a concussion.
The WWE Universe uses the App to pick Jack Swagger as Big E’s opponent.
Rytman Remark: Enjoy the mid-card Alberto.
JACK SWAGGER DEF. BIG E. LANGSTON BY COUNT OUT – I’m just now realizing Swagger has almost two feet on Big E.
Match is basically a power contest w/the two big men trading strikes and throwing each other around. Swagger wins by side-stepping a charging Big E. into the guard-rail and getting in the ring before the ten-count.
After the match, Alberto Del Rio runs out to get some of Swagger (Cock Talk, @ 4 p.m. Sundays, after BWF Radio @ 2 p.m.) but gets caught in the ankle-lock. Ricardo Rodriguez whacks Swagger w/the bucket, distracting him. Big E. comes in and everyone goes after everyone, but ADR is the one standing when it’s all over.
A.J. DEF. NATALYA (W/KAHLI/HORNSWOGGLE) –
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
THIS PHKING MATCH!
PHUKING BELLAS!
PHUKING KAITLIN!
PHKING COLE!
AHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
Look, the match was okay. AJ basically ran from Natalya until she started teasing Kaitlin, who joined the Bellas as guest commentators, and then Natalya sent her hard to the floor. Natalya goes for a back-breaker, but AJ hooks a “tarantula” variation called “The Black Widow,” and gets the submission. (Nice touch, tapping out on AJ’s butt by the way; very nice touch… or Bad Touch, depending on your perspective.) But my GOD! The commentary just collapsed into a mess of blabbering and dumb jokes about the Munster family or whatever. I’d get something more coherent out of a chicken being violated by a blender!
Side Note: You hear about a hostage situation at WWE HQ this month, you’ll know why.
I have to wrap this up…
Jericho came out to swear revenge on Fandango.
Triple H came out, stood in the cage, and called out Brock.
Triple H basically called him a “bitch,” and demanded he act like a man. Lesnar made his way to the cage despite Paul Heymans best efforts to stop him. They fight for a minute, then Trips throws Brock out of the cage. Brock grabs Heyman and they limp off.
RYTMAN’S REVIEW: It sucked. The end.
Now on a personal note, I’m afraid this is most likely my last RAW post, at least for the time being.
I have too many demands on my time right now w/family issues, and RAW just isn’t a priority anymore.
Side Note: WWE could say the same.
I’m very sorry to do this to Joe and whoever gets stuck w/RAW in my absence. I will continue to support Bored Wrestling Fan.com in any way possible.
RICARDO RODRIGUEZ DEF. BIG E. LANGSTON & ZEB COULTER – This is a Triple Threat match, with each man representing a superstar in the Triple Threat for the World Heavyweight Championship at Extreme Rules. The winner decides the stipulation in that match.
The match is basically Big E. brutalizing Ricardo while Zeb hangs back on the apron. Whenever the tide turns, Zeb tries to get involved but only brings his opponents attention on himself, setting them up to ambush each other.
While Zeb cries about his trick knee going out to avoid a confrontation w/Big E. Ricardo tries hitting Big E. w/his bucket, to no avail.
Alberto Del Rio jumps in and takes Big E. down w/an inziguri. Ziggler takes out ADR w/the dropkick. Swagger tosses Ziggler. Big E. takes Swagger and himself out w/a clothesline. Zeb tries to pin Ricardo, but AJ tosses herself under the ref’s arm to block the count. When Zeb complains, Ricardo rolls Zeb up for the three-count.
RANDY ORTON DEF. CODY RHODES – Slow-paced back and forth battle, but w/hard hitting spots strung together. Neither man keeps control of the match longer than a minute, before their opponent takes over. Pace picks up after the break, and ends with Cody jumping off the ropes into an RKO.
After the match, Matt Striker interviews Orton about his loss at Wrestlemania, and if he’s “haunted” by being knocked out. Orton claims he’s never felt so “extreme” and RKO’s Cody again.
FUNKADATCYL NAOMI (W/CAMERON) DEF. BRIE BELLA (W/NIKKI) (REVERSED DECISION) – Before the match, we see the Bellas backstage, complaining about being shut out of the Diva Royal last week, and trashing them while plugging their new reality show on the “E” Network.
After a break, we come back to the Bellas in the ring and a promo spot for “Total Divas” on E!
The match barley goes more than a minute, with Naomi dominating until the Bellas pull the “twin magic” bit and they get the three-count w/a small package. Cameron complains to the ref who reverses the decision and awards it to Naomi. The Bellas respond to this by rushing back into the ring and beating the Funky cheerleaders down.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION DOLPH ZGGLER (W/AJ & BIG E) DEF. U.S. CHAMPION KOFI KINGSTON – Before the match, we’re told Kofi is a new father and will be defending his title against Antonio Cesaro this Wednesday on Main Event.
Big week for Kofi.
Match slowly built to a fast-paced spot-fest that got the crowd going. Kofi hits “Trouble in Paradise” but Ziggler is saved by AJ getting his foot across the ropes. (At least that’s what they went for/how they sold it.) Match ends when Kofi catapults Ziggler into the corner, goes to the second rope, and tries a flying body-press, but misses and hits the mat. Ziggler hits the “Zig-Zag” and gets the three-count.
JACK SWAGGER (W/ZEB COULTER) DEF. ZACK RYDER – Ryder tries to get the crowd going by showing a video of Zeb getting pinned by Ricardo. This gets Swagger enraged, and Zack pays the price, as Swagger unloads on him. Ryder puts up more of a fight than we’d expect, however this ends w/Ryder tapping out to the ankle lock.
After the match, Swagger holds Ziggler so Zeb can get in a shot.
ALBERTO DEL RIO (W/RICARDO RODRIGUEZ) DEF. ANTONIO CESARO – Both men use the same strategy of targeting the left arm in the beginning. Cesaro fights dirty w/hair pulling and biting, while ADR uses quickness to keep Cesaro on defense. After the break, Cesaro is in control, using his power to hold down Del Rio, and his forearm shots to get a few two-counts, while the crowd starts the “Ole!” chant. (Oddly, Ricardo tries to get one going for Del Rio.) Del Rio’s agility decides this as Cesaro misses a charge into the corner post. He tries to roll up Del Rio, but Alberto locks in the cross-arm-bar. Cesaro tries for the ropes, but can’t make it, and taps out.
After the match, Del Rio announces the stipulation for his triple threat title match at Extreme Rules. He chooses to make it a ladder match.
THE SHIELD DEF. WWE CHAMPION JOHN CENA/WWE TAG CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO (KANE/DANIEL BRYAN) – Match starts out as a brawl, and the faces clear the ring quickly. Kane starts off brutalizing Ambrose, who quickly tags in Reigns, who doesn’t do much better but does get Kane back into their corner. Rollins comes in, and Kane takes over. At one point, Kane teases choke-slamming the ref when he tries to get Kane to back off Rollins. Cena tags himself in and he and Bryan get Kane to calm down. Cena is in for only a few seconds before his tendon injury acts up, and he quickly tags in Bryan. Bryan and Kane carry the load in this match, and are in control until the break. We come back with Bryan in trouble as each Shield member takes turns punishing him. Bryan gets Kane back in, and Kane unleashes his fury on the Shield. Match spills to the floor and Kane takes a D.D.T. on the concrete. Kane just barley beats the ten count back in, and makes the tag to Cena. Cena come in strong, but the tendon gives out on him when he tries to AA Rollins. Reigns spears Cena, and gets a three count.
ANGLES/STORYLINES
WORLD WISH DAY: We’re told about WWE champ John Cena hurting himself on the European tour, and how he made being on RAW this night a priority. This was “World Wish Day,” and Cena had a special presentation to make.
After the break, we see Cena meeting a very sick boy named Nick on the Today Show. He meets Nick and invites him and his family to Monday Night RAW.
Cena comes out with Nick and two other kids who wanted to go to RAW. This was a promotion for the Make-a-Wish foundation and Cena reminded us all to go to wish.org/wwe to learn how we can help make wishes come true. To make it even more special, Cena decides to make the kids honorary superstars.
The first boy, Jacob, declares himself “The Eliminator.” The second, Nick, calls himself “Nick the Stitch.” And the last boy was “Lightning Logan.” Cena goads the crowd into giving the kids a big cheer, and thanks us for making this special moment even better.
WWE has granted over 5000 Make-a-Wish foundation wishes since 1982.
SHIELD/HELL NO + RYBACK/CENA: – The Shield come out to cut a promo about their success in keeping Ryback from winning the WWE title, and run down a list of everyone they’ve put down, including The Rock, the Big Show, Sheamus, and Cena.
The Shield brings up their beat-down of the Undertaker on Smackdown last Friday, mentioning how Justice doesn’t care if you’re undefeated at Wrestlemania.
“When your number gets called, justice strikes without mercy!” – @TheShieldWWE
Suddenly, 3MB, (Slater, McIntyre, Mahal,) make their entrance.
“3MB? Why?” – Jerry Lawler
Slater tells the Shield to shut up. They want payback for the Shield interrupting their beat-down of Triple H two weeks ago.
“Now, we crash YOUR party. And ROCK YOUR FACE!” – @JinderMahal
The band hits the ring, and it goes badly for them. Shield is in control, until the pyro hits. WWE tag champs team Hell No runs in and chases them off.
Backstage: Cena gets his heel taped up. Ryback comes in to comment on it. Cena notes he’s “hurt” not “injured,” and can still go.
“I’m more effective on one leg than you are on two.” – @JohnCena
Ryback says he can’t take that chance.
Later in the show, Ryback goes to RAW Managing Supervisor Vicki Gurrero (and her assistant Brad Maddox) to complain about working with a hurt partner. Vicki says she’ll pull Cena and make team Hell No Ryback’s partners. Ryback doesn’t trust either of those guys and simply says “No.”
The next time we see Ryback, it’s as he’s bailing while Matt Striker tries to interview him.
Later in the night, Maddox tells Hell No they have to fight without Ryback, fine with them. Vicki tells Maddox he has one more thing to do.
Maddox talks to Cena about the match tonight. Cena makes it clear he will be wrestling tonight.
“No, I’m hurt. YOU will be hurt bad if you don’t go tell your boss I’m fine tonight.” – @JohnCena
After the match, (see above,) Ryback is on the stage, smug and satisfied seeing Cena hurt in the ring.
AJ/KAITLIN: The “Dolph-tourage” (Copyright: Robert Rytman) is backstage, congratulating themselves on a great win over Kofi (see above.) Kaitlin and Natalya cross paths with them. They trade some harsh words until Kaitlin receives a package. It’s a hat to match her bracelet from a “secret admirer.” (It’s Hornswoggle, I know it.)
HENRY/SHEAMUS: “Worlds Strongest Man” Mark Henry is out, challenging anyone in the back to a tug of war. Brodus and “Sweet T” both took his challenge and lost. Sheamus came out to take the challenge, and faked out Henry, letting the rope go so that he fell on his ass, then gave him the brogue kick.
DANCE CHALLENGE: FANDANGO VS.KAHLI – Both men are asked about Jericho’s stint on “Dancing with the Stars.” Both men claim to be better. The crowd gives it to Khali, Fandango beats him up.
In conclusion; this was a night of perfectly good wrestling marred by a lot of stupid filler.
Welcome to another edition of Cock Talk, or as RYTMAN likes to call it, “THINK ABOUT THE CONVERSATION YOU’RE HAVING RIGHT NOW!”
Joe, Jorge, G, and JT are joined once again this week by Brian Muller. We talk about the NHL Playoffs, the NFL Draft, and of course, all of the great wrestling shows you’ll find on TV each and every week. We reveal who we’d like to see win the TNA X-Division poll, talk about what the substance Big E Langston was clapping from his hands may have been, and talk about how winning a title in WWE is essentially a punishment more than a merit nowadays.
In the news, we get the WrestleMania numbers, we find out the whereabouts of the Bella Twins, find out when CM Punk may potentially return, and get Maria Kanellis’ impression of Ryback. Michael Bay’s destruction of our childhood is discussed. In legal news, it’s Hulk Hogan’s sex tape vs. the first amendment. And finally, we discuss the injury to John Cena that occurred on the European tour.
All this and much more! Just download the show. You know you want to!
Hey! They’re in the U.K.! Also known as forced attempts to recreate the chants on RAW after WrestleMania 29 Land! YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH! Has anyone else noticed they changed Fandango’s music and added crowd noise? I did. Let’s get to “entertainment you” of a show. Hopefully Shannon Moore makes a surprise return? Only one way to find out. So step up on that stool and strap on your noose , folks…. It’s hopping time!
Ok, it can’t be THAT bad. Nobody kill yourself, it’s just fucking wrestling. Go bitch about it on the internet like everybody else. That’s how we roll, peeps.
In all seriousness, there will be a much watch match on this show, as you probably already know.
Big E, Big E, Big E, can’t you see, sometimes your fists accidentally hit me?
Fandangoing spills over into BWF Radio, as our own ThinkSoJoE was in the crowd at the IZOD Center this past Monday. Joe, along with JT, G, and Jorge discuss the poor quality of this year’s WrestleMania, leading Joe to make an interesting offer to World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. It’s explained why Mike Chioda got the first chant during the Sheamus/Orton match on RAW. We ponder who was controlling the temperature on Thursday’s IMPACT, and do away with Sign Guy during the reading of G’s SmackDown review, for some reason. Rick is still very much alive and well, as far as we know. Iron Sheik tweets are handled by JT, and we find out why Rock, Brock, and Punk were all missing from RAW in the news. Plus, for episode 69, That Damn Double C brings us some Bloodhound Gang in our musical break. All this and MUCH more, on BWF Radio!
On RAW, the crowd made the difference for the show to be a winner, ultimately, which I suspect and hope will remain a tradition as the so-called “hardcore” smarks stick around for it. Will that many of them stick around for Smackdown? I’d like to think so… but this “thing” is still a new “thing.” Only one way to find out, and you know what that means. Into the back of the closet and into Narnia, kiddo, we’re hunting wabbits. Hopping time! (a.k.a. Beer will make this better).
Let’s do something a little different. Instead of going segment by segment, I’m going to summarize each storyline in regards to how it was played out on the show, and offer my comments where I feel the need.
1.) CENA VS. MARK HENRY: THE RISE OF RYBACK – So we kicked off RAW with a word from our new WWE champion, John Cena. Jersey is NOT part of the CE-Nation, and their response makes it clear. Cena plays off the crowd’s hostility by joking about all the great things that come with being champ, like the applause. Cena offers to dance for the crowd, using this as context for teasing a “heel-turn,” and offers a title shot to whoever wants one tonight. Mark Henry comes out to take him up on it. Booker T comes out and says Henry has to beat Cena in a match to get a title shot.
Let’s fast forward to our main event, Cena vs. Henry. Less than a minute in, it spills out of the ring to the outside. Both men tease a table spot (which is a whole friggin thing in itself we’ll get to.) Henry sends Cena into the post. Cena whips Henry into the stairs AND GETS THE WIN BY COUNT OUT. OUR “MAIN EVENT” BARELY WENT FIVE MINUTES AND MORE THAN THREE SPOTS!!!
Henry responds to this by laying out Cena (much to the crowds’ delight,) and hoisting the belt up. Ryback comes out and runs off Henry. Ryback glares at Cena and the crowd gets excited. Ryback helps Cena up and the crowd gets less excited. Ryback gets a “FEED ME MORE,” chant going and CENA TAKES A CLOTHESLINE! Ryback gives the champ the Shell-shock and holds the belt up to a cheering crowd as RAW ends.
Rytman Remarks: So, Henry, the only established heel at Wrestlemania who won a singles match, has to beat Cena in a non-title match, to get a title shot?
Fine
Booker T, General Manager of Smackdown, can dictate who gets WWE title shots on RAW?
Fine
The match itself can’t have more than five spots and go more than five minutes?
Okay, Fine.
BUT NOW YOU’RE GOING TO GIVE THE PUSH TO THE GUY YOU BOOKED TO CHOKE IN EVERY BIG MATCH YOU PUT HIM IN? GIVING HENRY A SHOT WOULD BRING ABOUT THE END OF ALL LIFE IN THE WWE UNIVERSE OR SOMETHING!?
I seriously don’t know why I’m still watching this crap.
2.) ORTON/SHEAMUS BOTH WANT BIG SHOW – Orton, backstage in Vicki’s office w/her and Brad Maddox, demands a match w/Big Show, wanting payback for what happened at Mania. “Briki” (Brad and Vicki) agrees, reminding Sheamus he’d owe them a big favor for this.
Later in the show, Randy Orton goes to Booker T, asking HIM for a shot at big show, saying it was his mistake to trust big show, and wants to make good on it. When Booker tells him Vicki already made the match w/Sheamus, he brown-noses Booker into over-ruling Vicki, on the grounds he’s a GM, and she’s a Managing Supervisor. Booker decides to make it happen.
Later, we get a pre-recorded interview from Natalya with Big Show. Show blames his team-mates for what happened, saying they turned on him by not giving him the hot tag. Show says from now on, he’s all about the Big Show.
Later in the show, both Orton and Sheamus came out to the ring and asked the crowd who’d they like to see kick Big Show’s ass. Cole tells us to use the WWE ACTIVE APP and vote on Twitter for who we want. One commercial break later, Booker and Vicki come out together on the same page, making a Sheamus vs. Orton match w/the winner getting Big Show, making the Twitter thing totally irrelevant.
The match itself is hard fought, and both men hit their major spots, but it ends with the Big Show taking matters into his own hands. He tosses Sheamus away like nothing and BRUTALIZES Randy Orton for about twenty minutes. Orton is pounded on, and tossed around like a sack of rag-dolls. Show tosses Orton hard over the announce table into the seats, and then tosses the seats all over the place. Show leaves Orton broken on the ground, and walks off to a hero’s reception from the crowd. (This crowd was another whole thing we’ll get to.)
Rytman Remarks: Orton and Randy are fighting over who gets to beat up the guy they didn’t trust in the first place, but teamed up with anyway and then lost the match because they didn’t tag him, and he got mad and punched them out. Gotcha!
The interesting thing is, during the interview with Natalya, Show played hurt by his team not trusting him, like he really wanted to be part of something, and pulled it off pretty damn well. I actually felt bad for him.
3.) ALBERTO DEL RIO VS JACK SWAGGER & ZEB COULTER: YOUR WINNER, DOLPH ZIGGLER! – World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio (w/Ricardo Rodriguez,) faced Swagger in a handicap match w/Zeb Coulter as Swagger’s partner. Before the match, Zeb took the mike and actually pleaded with the crowd for their support. He even got a small “USA” chant going. The match was primarily Del Rio and Swagger with Zeb hanging back on the outside. Del Rio managed to win it, but Swagger had worked the ankle/leg the whole match and Del Rio had ringside attendants looking at him.
Cue Dolph Ziggler.
Dolph chose that moment to Cash in his MiTB briefcase on Del Rio. Del Rio managed to muster up enough offense to get Ziggler in the Cross-Arm-Breaker. Ziggler escaped by working the injured ankle and won with a Zig-Zag for the three. Later in the show, Ziggler is interviewed, saying it’s “about damn time” this happened.
Rytman Remarks: during the whole match, the crowd chanted “we want Ziggler,” until he finally came out. I’m thinking Del Rio and Swagger are both gonna sit out a few shows.
4.) UNDERTAKER PROMO: IN THE SIGHTS OF THE SHIELD – Undertaker comes out to do a promo. He talks about dedicating his win to Paul Bearer…
SIERRA, HOTEL, INDIA, ECHO, LIMA, DELTA, BELIVE IN THE SHIELD
The Shield makes their way towards the Dead-man. They’ve got Taker surrounded when the pyro goes off and Team Hell No (Kane and Bryan) run out to offer back up. The Shield calls it a night and head off.
Rytman Remarks: A feud w/the Undertaker to set up a program with the tag team champions? I like it, which is why it won’t happen.
5.) FAHHHHN-DAHHHN-GO-OW! – So Fandango got a rematch with Kofi Kingston, from last month when he was supposed to debut on RAW. The match goes less than ten minutes before Chris Jericho runs out and beats down Fandango, who gets the win by DQ. After the match, Fandango still has enough in him to take a mike and do the bit with his name.
Rytman Remark: I’ll give the guy credit for sticking with it, but I’m thinking the last dance is coming up soon.
6.) “A BAD NIGHT FOR PAUL HEYMAN GUYS.” – Paul Heyman gets interviewed about how bad Wrestlemania went for him. Heyman points out that Triple H finished the night with a broken (which we saw earlier in an exclusive,) arm and Shawn Michaels got his face smashed in. He says Lesnar is here and ready to fight, but not for free. He tells us C.M. Punk will speak for himself… next week, swerving the disappointed crowd.
Now let’s look at the results from the few “filler” matches…
BIG E. LANGSTON DEF DANIEL BRYAN – High point was Big E. tossing Bryan over the top rope onto Kane.
Rytman Remark: Would’ve made sense to book this match BEFORE MANIA!
WADE BARRETT DEF. THE MIZ – BARRETT NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION
Rytman Remark: Decent match but I’m not expecting Barrett’s stock to skyrocket. There was a noticeable “botch” when Miz went for the knee-drop/neck-breaker combo and Barrett dropped too soon. (Michael Cole, at ringside, tried to sell it as a “sit-out” attempt by Barrett.)
R-TRUTH, RYDER, AND SANTINO MORELLA DEF 3MB
RR; Went maybe seven minutes and was more of an actual match then the main event.
TONS OF FUNK/THE FUNKADAYCTALS DEF THE BELLA SISTERS/TEAM RHODES SCHOLARS
RR; High point was Brie/Nikki giving “Sweet T” a double butt-bump to the head.
A few other points of interest…
One guy in the crowd managed to get his “WE WANT PAGE” sign on camera almost all night. Apparently, we can’t get her jobbing out to AJ and the Bella Sisters fast enough.
There seemed to be a contract out on the announcers table tonight. It wound up collateral damage in almost every brawl tonight. (Big Show’s rampage, Jericho’s payback, maybe during Del Rio Swagger,) In the Main Event, Cena and Henry both teased putting each other through it but never came across.
And now, we get to the real stars of this show…
This fucking crowd
Credit where it’s due, these folks decided they were going to have some kind of fun at this show and they did, to the detriment of the WWE. Some of their highlights included “singing along” to Fandango’s music and cheering for RVD, Randy Savage, and anyone/thing other than Sheamus or Orton during their match.
Overall, this was a weird RAW. It had some high points, but it wasn’t the best follow-up to a lackluster Mania.
This week on BWF Radio, we get Joe calling us live from outside the IZod arena waiting to get into WrestleMania 29. He depicts his experience from the crowd outside. He elaborates on his experience with his wife at the WWE Hall of Fame induction last night. The podcast goes slightly off the rails as we discuss how terrible WMV was, the new Evil Dead movie, terrible Hulk Hogan films, and more!
