WWE Main Event Results
Leave a CommentWell since this week’s episode is gonna be all about Wrestlemaina 29 I’m gonna give you all the results of Main Event here and now so we no one misses out on it. So here’s what went on. (more…)
Well since this week’s episode is gonna be all about Wrestlemaina 29 I’m gonna give you all the results of Main Event here and now so we no one misses out on it. So here’s what went on. (more…)
Ain’t nobody got time for that!
This week, Joe, JT, and G are joined by Joe’s cousin Steve, as Jorge takes the day off to joyride in his friend’s Dad’s Ferrari and enjoy the sights of Chicago, with hilarious results. Or he’s actually sick. One of the two. Anyways, Joe reads from the book of Bored, reciting passages from RYTMAN’s RAW review and G’s SmackDown shenanigans. JT and G bust dope rhymes, and Steve shakes his head at all of this. We learn that Scott Hall has reached his goal of $80,000 for his hip replacement surgery, which will take place April 9th. We find out who the participants returning for TNA’s “10” and “Knockouts Knockdown” Pay Per View events are. That Damn Double C tries to trick Joe into reading lyrics from “Africa” by Toto again. We discuss the new rules of the X-Division. We lament the price increase for WrestleMania to $69.99 for HD. Chris Masters uproots a tree with his bare hands and saves his mother’s life. All this, and much more, on BWF Radio 67!
BoredWrestlingFan Radio episode 67 (MP3, 2:05:05)
This week’s break song was “The New F*** You” by Street Sweeper Social Club. Buy it here!
From WWE.com – Triple H has thrown a WrestleMania challenge at the feet of Brock Lesnar, but will The Anomaly accept a rematch with The King of Kings at MetLife Stadium? Also, what awaits CM Punk now that his own bout with The Undertaker is set?
TONIGHT! I! ROBERT! RYTMAN! WILL! – Okay I’m sorry. Tonight I will attempt to bring you a real-time(ish) report on tonight’s Monday Night RAW. I got Triple H and Lesnar, I got Punk on Taker, and I got an upset stomach.
Here we go!
We’re opening with a tribute video to Paul Bearer, featuring a montage of his moments with Taker and a cavalcade of co-stars.
And here comes the Undertaker.
Side Note; I will be following WWE on Twitter to keep up with anything I miss, and most likely will be quoting directly from their Twitter feed.
Taker is in the ring with a small silver urn on a stand. He does the pose as William Moody’s memorial pic comes up on the tron AND C.M. PUNK JUST INTERUPTED IT!
Punk is out smiling in a gray hoodie, with a mike.
@WWEUniverse – We salute #PaulBearer 1954-2013 …. and the bell tolls … #Undertaker #RAW
Punk is out here to pay his respects to the Undertaker, and apollogize to Taker… for his loss at Wrestlemania. The one silver lining in all this is, to Paul Bearer, the Taker will always be perfect, but next week won’t be any heart-felt tributes to Paul Bearer. Next week will be a tribute to Punk breaking the streak.
Next up, Big Show v.s. Rollins.
During the break, Kane – upset with Punk’s disrespectful interuption, attempted to choke-slam him off the stage. Punk escapes and Kane rampages backstage, taking out anyone in his way.
Big Show is in the ring, and we’re recaping Show taking a Shield-Bomb from last week.
Seth Rollins makes his way to the ring through the crowd, with the Shield in tow.
The Shield@TheShieldWWE Sierra Hotel India Echo Lima Delta … @TheShieldWWE is LIVE on #RAW!! #BelieveInTheShield … Big Show soon will! #HoundsOfJustice
BIG SHOW VS SETH ROLLINS (W/THE SHIELD)
At first, Show tosses his enimes around like toys, but he’s overwhelmed by the numbers. The Shield attacks getting Show the DQ. Show fights back but the Shield leaves the Big Show lying in the ring after the triple-power bomb.
WINNER BY DQ: BIG SHOW
Backstage, C.M. Punk complains to Vicki (and Brad, her assistant,) demanding she “put a leash” on Kane’s little brother. Vicki responds by booking him in a No DQ match with Kane.
“May God have mercy on your soul.” – Vicki Gurero.
Daniel Bryan is out next for his match with Dolph Ziggler. We get a recap of last Friday when AJ Lee tried to give Bryan grief about losing the World Championship in 18 seconds.
“With Dolph Ziggler, you should be used to things lasting 18 seconds.” – Daniel Bryan
Back from break, we get a “Remembering Paul Bearer Segment,” featuring his first appearence on WWE tv, on the “Brother Love Show,” with the Undertaker. 02/16/1991
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION DANIEL BRYAN VS DOLPH ZIGGLER (W/AJ LEE & BIG E.)
As the match gets underway, Cole and Lawler at ringside, mention Bryan’s “Beard Battle” on Twitter w/@joshreddick16. Bryan is in control as Lawler compares AJ to the Wicked Witch of The West from “The Wizard of Oz,” refrencing her taking a bucket of water to the face on Smackdown last Friday. Bryan has Ziggler on the floor but Big E. steps in front of a dive attempt by Bryan as we go to break…
@WWE – Send us your tribute to the late Paul Bearer via @TOUT with the tag #PaulBearer, and we’ll use the best on-air tonight during #RAW!
We come back with Ziggler in control but not for long. Bryan is dominating Ziggler with his speed, agility, and kicks. Bryan tries a belly-to-back off the top rope, but Ziggler twists in mid-air and gets a two-count, landing on top of Bryan. Ziggler hits a hot-shot and the “fame-asser,” for two. Bryan gets in the no-lock but AJ distracts the Ref while Big E. pulls Ziggler into the ropes. Bryan has to break. After an exchange of missed shots and counter-holds, Ziggler gets the three-count with the Zig-Zag.
WINNER: DOLPH ZIGGLER
Rytman Remark: Nice to see AJ/Big E. finally figured out how the whole “distract the ref thing” works.
@BigELangston – Never trust a man with two first names…or miss an opportunity to leave him laying. @WWEDanielBryan #RAW
Ziggler gets a kiss from AJ and Big E. gets to batter Bryan with a Big E. beat-down.
@JustinRoberts – I was always a fan of Paul Bearer & everything He did @ ringside-later on,outside the ring.Thank U Friend #PaulBearer
We get a recap of the Triple H/Brock Lesnar feud going over everything leading up to Triple H’s challenge last week. Lesnar will be here tonight to answer the challenge.
@ezekielwwe – Am I allowed to admit that I was scared yet intrigued by #PaulBearer #RIPPaulBearer
WWE Slam Of The Week – Honky Tonk Man’s guitar shot on Heath Slater last week.
Brodus Clay and “Sweet T” (Tensai) are out with the Funkadactyls. Ring announcer Justin Roberts introduces Fandango, but he no-shows. Tensai grabs the mike and demands Fandango get out here.
A sexy ballroom dancer comes out, followed by AND I AM NOT DOING THE STUPID PRONOUNCIATION BIT Fandango. He calls Tensai an “abomination” and an embarrassment to everyone, even here in the Midwest, where we no nothing about the arts. He demands his name be spoken by the “sensual lips,” of Funkadactyl Naomi, saying she’s the only one with any rhythm, and she’s “better than this.” Tensai steps in and Fandango says thanks to him, we don’t get to see his debut.
Rytman Remark: So, we care about Naomi now?
Side Note: Was Naomi the one girl on the all-Diva edition of NXT that seemed to know what she was doing?
We get a trailer for the new G.I. Joe movie staring the Rock and go to break, with THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS going up against Team Rhodes Scholars after the break.
Remembering Paul Bearer – Wrestlemania XX – 2004, Paul Bearer leads Undertaker to the ring.
In the ring, we have Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes doing a parody of the NAO’s entrance in Sandow’s own signature style,
“The folowing interpritation, is brought to you by taste and good form…” – Damien Sandow
“Derh-nuh-nuh-nuh…” – Cody Rhodes
“Oh, you were not aware of this?” – Damien Sandow
“Derh-nuh-nuh-nuh…” – Cody Rhodes
“Your posterior better contact someone at once!” – Damien Sandow
“Ladies and Getlemen, young people of all genders and ages, taste and decency proudly present to you, the re-united future tag team champions and best friends, the essence of mustachioed magnificence, the intellectual savior of the masses, TEAM RHODES SCHOLLARS!” – Cody Rhodes
“And if your not… down with that, we’ve got two words for you…” – Damien Sandow
“YOU’RE WELCOME!” – Team Rhodes Scholars
The NAO come out, plaining to show them how it’s done…
“Lord have mercy, this one’s for you Percy.” – Road Dogg Jessie James
“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, De-Generation – X, proudly presents to you, the five time WWE…TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLD! THE ROAD DOGG JESSIE JAMES! THE BADASS BILLY GUN! THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS!” – Road Dogg Jessie James
“And if you’re not down with that, well we just got two words for ya!” – Badass Billy Gun
“SUCK IT!” – The New Age Outlaws and WWE universe.
TEAM RHODES SCHOLARS VS THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS
And just as I typed that – HERE COMES THE PAIN!
Brock Lesnar is out and F-5’s both NAO’s.
NO CONTEST
Heyman has the mike.
“Brock Lesnar doesn’t play games, he hurts people.” – Paul Heyman
Heyman runs down the list of people important to Triple H that Lesnar has hurt, including Shawn Michales, Vince McMahon, and now the NAO. Lesnar will face Triple H at Mania – IF he agrees to let Brock/Heyman name the stipulations AFTER he blindly signs the contract.
“And if you’re not down with that, I got two words for ya, BRRRRRROCK LESNAR!”
We’re reminded of Punk vs Kane later tonight as we go to break.
KOFI KINGSTON VS MARK HENRY
Almost a complete job by Kingston. Henry boots Kofi out of the ring with a kick. Kofi Komes back by side-steping Henry into the post and hits the Superman punch off the steel steps. Kofi gets HUGE AIR with a body-press attempt, but get caught in the World’s Strongest Slam for the three.
WINNER: MARK HENRY
Backstage – Cody is flirting with Divas Champ Kaitlyn, when Sandow interupts, followed by THE BELLA TWINS! Apparently they’re back and Sandow has a double date set-up with them for himself and Cody. Kaitlyn bails while a Bella grabs Cody’s ATTENTION (you pervs.) Vicki walks in and tells them the date has to wait. Since their scheduled match was scratched, they’re getting a new one, against Sheamus and Randy Orton.
“You’re welcome.” – Vicki Gurerro
Ryback hits the ring as we go to break.
Rytman Remark: Do I have to blow somebody to get Page on the main roster? And the Bellas? Nice to have boyfriends in good graces with HR.
RYBACK VS HEATH SLATER
Henry comes to ringside to glare as –
WINNER: RYBACK
Rytman Remark: Seriously? Do you need anymore than that?
Drew McIntyre jumps Ryback and takes the Shell-shock as Henry storms the ring. McIntyre becomes the prop in a one-up contest as Henry/Ryback take turns bouncing him around. Henry leaves with no more than some words being exchanged.
Later tonight, Rhodes Scholars vs Orton/Sheamus, Punk vs Kane, and Alberto Del Rio vs Antonio Cesaro next!
We come back to a preview of “THE CALL,” a new WWE films release staring Halle Berry and WWE superstar David Otunga.
Cesaro is in the ring, and Ricardo is out to intro ADR.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO W/RICARDO VS. WWE U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO
As Del Rio walks to the ring, we get a PIP promo from the World’s Champ.
“I was born in Mexico, but I was made in America.” – Alberto Del Rio
Cesaro is on the defensive until he yanks Del Rio off the ropes by the ankles. Cesaro beats ADR down but misses a charge into the corner, and Del Rio hits a flurry of offense including a tilt-a-whirl back-breaker and a Back-Stabber with Cesaro hung on the middle rope. Cesaro takes over, meeting ADR in mid air with the European Upper-cut, but Alberto gets the submission by countering a German suplex into the cross-arm-breaker.
WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO
Backstage, Kane is being interviewed about how tough things have been for him. Kane says nothing. He holds up the urn from Taker’s tribute, and walks off.
“SAY SOMETHING!” – A**Hole in the crowd.
Rytman Remarks: I know Kane is not Paul Bearer’s son. I know that’s an angle. I STILL SAY THE JERK IN THE CROWD WAS BEING A DICK!
We’ll get a preview of ROCK/CENA at Wrestlemania next.
Remembering Paul Bearer – 1997, Bearer introduces Kane to the WWE.
Video Package tracing the Rock vs Cena timeline going back to last year’s Wrestlemania, highlighting Cena’s and Rock’s wins at the Royal Rumble.
Orton makes his entrance as we go to break.
We come back with a recap of Lesnar attacking the NAO, setting up the tag match w/Orton and Sheamus for team Rhodes Scholars.
RANDY ORTON/SHEAMUS VS TEAM RHODES SCHOLARS
The Rhodes Scholars are in the ring and Sheamus makes his entrance. Sheamus starts out strong until Sandow pulls the top rope down, letting Sheamus spill out. Sandow and Rohdes double team Sheamus until Orton tags in and takes over. Sandow saves Rhodes from a mid-rope DDT. Orton clocks Sandow, Rhodes sends Randy into the post, and Cody takes over. Orton turns the tide with a superplex and Sheamus makes the hot tag. Rhodes takes an RKO, Sandow takes the Brouge Kick, and the “Celtic Vipers,” (as named by a fan on Twitter,) get the three-count.
WINNERS: ORTON/SHEAMUS
When we come back, Miz and Wade Barrett on “The Highlight Reel” with Chris Jericho.
During the break, Sheamus and Orton get beaten down by the Shield. Orton takes a flying knee and Sheamus takes the spear.
We get some fans on “Tout,” sharing memories of Paul Bearer.
Jericho is out for the Highlight Reel, in the sparkly jacket.
“Is this jacket working? They’re very tempremental.” – Jericho
Apparently, there was something wrong with the “Jeri-tron.”
“Did you see my magic trick? I made my Jeri-tron dissapear.” Jericho
Miz is the first guest out. Miz says it’s great to be a guest for a change. Jericho mentions his lack of furniture. Jericho plays up Miz’s success with “Marine 3,” showing a clip, when Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett comes out, with a clip of “Dead Man Down,” his feature film with Colin Firth. Barrett says THAT is a feature film. Miz does an imperssion of Barrett. Barrett insults Miz’s acting range. Miz mentions Barrett not winning match in weeks. We get into the “really” bit until Jericho chimes in with his own take.
“Ruh-hehehehehehehehe-ly.” – Jericho
“How bad is this?” – Michael Cole
Barrett threatens to drop Jericho, Jericho takes off the sparkly jacket and reminds Barrett that he help him make it through NXT and has held the Intercontinental championship a record nine-times, and threatens to make it ten. Brad Maddox comes out on behalf of the Super Hero Management team of “Briki,” (him/Vicki,) and orders Barrett to defend his title next week against the winner of a match between Jericho and Miz. Brad then asks that someone come out to clear the ring, that didn’t have anything in it.
“This could be the worst segment in RAW history.” Michael Cole.
Rytman Remarks: BURYING THE BIT DOESN’T HELP YOU JACKASS! Seriously, Cole bitches over Maddox’s lines so much you almost miss the announcement. Side Note: Is Maddox being a space cadet supposed to be a rib on someone specificly? Cause it’s a looooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng list of candidates.
JERICHO VS MIZ
We come back from break to the match. It’s kind of a rushed back and forth, that ends with Jericho side stepping Miz into Barrett, who joined the announce table. Barrett goes after both men, and gets his butt-kicked. This ends with Barrett taking the Skull-Crushing-Finale and the Code Breaker.
NO CONTEST
From there, we go to Ricardo and ADR doing a parody of Jeb Coulter and Jack Swagger’s YouTube videos. Backstage, Swagger is pissed.
Remembering Paul Bearer- 1995 – We get a bit with Paul Bearer and Mr. Fuji being grilled by one of the detectives from “NYPD Blue,” while wearing a dress. Taker’s music hits, the lights go out, and Fuji’s in the dress when they come back on.
Jack Swagger is out with Jeb Coulter. Coulter has the mike and is not in a good mood. Sin Cara is in the ring. Coulter turns his attention to Sin Cara. He accuses the WWE universe of being “programmed” to like Sin Cara and calls Cara a “Mexican jumping bean” and a “thief,” saying there’s little Sin Cara’s sneaking into our country 365 days a year. He blames us for letting it happen and says he and Swagger will speak for us if we’re too afraid too.
JACK SWAGGER VS SIN CARA
Quick match that Sin Cara actually dominates w/his fast-paced high-flying style, until he dives into a boot by Swagger. Swagger works the leg and ankle of the luchador legend and gets the win with the “Patriot Act” submission.
WINNER: JACK SWAGGER
We go to a promo for “The Call.” Halle Berry is doing press when David Otunga interrupts her with a phone call, warning her that a co-worker of his got her number after threatening him. Her next call is from KANE! He goes derpy fan-boy on her until she hangs up on him. From the interview, Halle sets off Kane’s pyro with her frustration.
“Does that mean we aren’t going on that picnic?” – Kane
We come back from break to a rewind of Kane going after Punk for interrupting Taker’s tribute.
Punk is out, followed by Kane, as we’re told Ryback will face Mark Henry on Smackdown this Friday.
C.M. PUNK VS KANE
Kane carries the Urn that was part of the act for so long. Punk scores a charging drop-kick to the outside, and goes after Kane with stomps and kicks and-
Well hello Blond in front row, black t-shirt.
MATCH! RIGHT! It’s a brawl on the outside. They hit each other with whatever they can grab. Kane throws Punk back in the ring. Punk fights off a super-plex attempt and hits and elbow off the top rope. Kane comes back and hurls Punk over the ropes.
We go to break.
We come back to the chaos. Punk slips out of Kane’s grasp and scores a hit. Kane reverses a whip and sends Punk into a chair wedged into the corner. Kane unloads on Punk with high-impact moves, and proceeds to tear the place apart, peppering the ring with chairs. Punk reverses a choke-slam attempt into a DDT on a chair and takes over. The match goes back/forth until the Taker’s bell tolls. A distracted Punk takes a choke-slam and Kane gets the three-count!
WINNER: KANE
After the match, Punk nails Kane from behind with the urn. Taker comes to the ring and runs Punk off.
Up on the stage, Punk has the urn and mocks the Takers classic pose.
Punk has the urn, Taker has a vendetta, and RAW comes to an end.
Today I read the news: Paul Bearer passed away. I remember when I first started watching wrestling was just before Wrestlemania XII. And one of the most unique characters of that time was Paul Bearer. I was a huge Undertaker fan and still am. Out of the wrestlers I mark out for the most-Piper, Double-A, Terry Funk, Tommy Dreamer-few of them compare to the mark-out feeling I get when I see the Undertaker. The Undertaker was unique. He had one of the greatest ring presences to ever grace our screens, with respect to Flair. And when it came to aura and mystique, there were few who could touch The Undertaker, if anyone.
So why am I talking about The Undertaker when I’m reflecting on the Life of Paul Bearer? Well, it was hard to separate the two. As imposing and terrifying as the Undertaker was, Paul Bearer was the other half of him. You could not have had the Phenom Undertaker without Paul Bearer in his early days. They tried with Brother Love, but the character just missed something in the early days. It wasn’t until Paul Bearer became part of the Undertaker’s character that the character clicked. Eventually the time came for Paul to break away and the Undertaker soared, but without Paul, I’m not sure we would have seen the Undertaker we have now.
One thing that stands out to me is how Paul was able to take anything, no matter how awful and make it into something good. Let’s face it. The Impostor Undertaker storyline in ’94 is one of the cheesiest things I’ve ever seen in wrestling. (And I’ve lived through Katie Vick, Kane-Shane McMahon and The Giant falling off Cobo Hall yet winning the world title.) Yet with all the players involved-Ted DiBiase, Brian Lee, The Undertaker & Paul Bearer-they made my inner kid believe in everything going on. Take the Kane storyline. Out of nowhere Paul Bearer was revealed to be the father. As preposterous as that sounded, through that interview with Jerry Lawler where they didn’t know the camera was running, he put together all the pieces. There was his return in the mid-2000’s that caused him to be buried alive in concrete by the Undertaker himself. With respect to all involved, there wasn’t anyone who could salvage that.
The Undertaker and Paul Bearer were something special. How many times has the WWE tried the supernatural thing since then to little or no success? Mordecai? The Boogeyman? Kevin Thorn the Vampire? Countless other names I can’t remember because of their failure? Due to the stage presences of both men, they were able to make this something special and make countless dollars off this.
There were so many great memories from him. There was the aforementioned Impostor Undertaker storyline. There was the feud with Diesel where Diesel did the unthinkable. He put his hands on Paul Bearer. That was back in ’96 when things still mattered. There was the Paul Bearer turn that broke my heart for a long time. Kane didn’t have much of a shelf life. Paul helped to give him fuel that kept him around today. There was the surprise appearance at Wrestlemania XX, where I remember marking out like a little kid for seeing him again. In 2010, Undertaker once again feuded with Kane. I remember seeing turning to Smackdown (which is something I never do), and I waited for him to appear from the casket. I was like a little kid watching him over and over again.
He had so many signatures. There was the “Ohhhhhh, yyyeeeeeeesssssssss” he was so famous for. I still do that. It’s not at the same level as “Brother” or “What?” but it’s still pretty impactful. When I was telling my wife he had passed away this morning, I described him as the “Oh, yes” guy. (And yes, I did it in his voice, or my feeble attempt at his voice.) I still remember how he would say, “The urn.” Any time I hear the word urn, I immediately think about him. And that voice was so eerie and so spooky. With respect to the Macho Man, it was probably one of the most recognizable voices of his time.
I never had the chance to meet Paul Bearer. I swear I had to have seen him live a time or two. (My first ever then-WWF show had a Kane appearance that must have been around Badd Blood ’97, so I think Bearer was there. It was just a long view from where I was.) I used to follow him on Facebook and after the birth of a grandchild, there were comments congratulating him and wishing him well. He took the time to like every one’s comments, including mine. I know it may have been little, but I thought it was pretty awesome. In the pre-Attitude era and in the Attitude era, there were fewer personalities who made a bigger impact. Brother Bearer, Uncle Paul, Mr. Pringle, thank you for your time on this Earth.
Tonight is a special “OLD SCHOOL” edition of RAW, opening with the classic “The recognized symbol of excellence in sports entertainment,” graphic.
We are in Buffalo, NY at the first Niagara Center on a cold windy night, and the first thing we see is THE UNDERTAKER making an entrance. He stands on stage, raises his arms, and summons forth the WRESTLEMANIA logo. Mean Gene welcomes us to RAW w/a voice over and a montage of classic moments.
From there we go to the classic RAW opening theme w/sirens and montage. Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole are here to welcome us, Cole in an ugly mustard-yellow jacket and Lawler in the Red w/matching crown, as C.M. Punk makes his way to the ring w/Paul Heyman at his side.
Punk blames the fans for him not headlining Wrestlemania and for his not being champion. He says there’s no purpose or point in being at Wrestlemania, until he saw Undertaker. Punk says we stole from him and now he’ll steal from us by beating the Streak.
Randy Orton is out next, mentioning his win over Punk at Wrestlemania and getting “this close,” to beating Taker 8 years ago as a rookie, now he’s the most dangerous man in the locker-room and asks the fans who they would like to see face Taker at Mania, Punk or Orton?
Cue Big Show. He faced the Taker at a Wrestlemania but back then he didn’t have his big right hand punch. He makes a claim to the streak.
Cue Sheamus. He’s the only one who’s never faced or lost to the Undertaker. It’s going to take more to break the Streak. It’s gonna take a big foot, all the heart in the world, and a little bit of luck. Sheamus thinks it’s possible with the luck of the Irish on his side.
Vicki Gurrero is out. As RAW managing Supervisor, she decides to make tonight’s main event a 4-way for a shot at the Undertaker at Mania, giving the winner a chance to cement their legacy.
Tonight-Point/Counterpoint w/Rock and Cena, Triple H addresses Brock Lesnar, and Ryback faces Antonio Cesaro NEXT!
Rytman Remark: It took Big Show 20 years to figure out how to make a fist?
We come back to Cole and King offering us the chance to “Tout” about who we think Taker should face.
U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS RYBACK
We go to an old school Picture-in-picture promo with Antonio Cesaro. He speaks five different languages fluently while Ryback, like most of us can barely speak one, NEANDERTHAL! He follows up with a rant in Swiss.
FEED ME MORE!
Ryback makes his entrance as #old school raw trends worldwide. So far the theme is Cesaro trying to be aggressive and getting bounced around the ring, but a big boot to the face puts Cesaro in control as we go to…
BREAK
Cesaro is in control as we come back. Cesaro put up a strong fight but the match ends with Ryback reversing a Neutralizer attempt into the Shell-shock for a three-count.
WINNER: RYBACK
Rytman remark: Would be nice for Ryback to remember to put in a bid for the U.S. title. Then again it would be nice if ANYONE remembers to put in a bid for the U.S. title.
The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry comes out for his match. There’s a stare-down with Ryback as he goes to the ring.
MARK HENRY VS ZACK RYDER
Apparently, WWE Sat. Morning Slam is looking for its own GM, and will continue the search this Saturday. Ryder, who wants the job, goes after Henry quickly and – briefly – actually puts up a decent fight before taking the World’s Strongest Slam.
WINNER: MARK HENRY
Tonight – fatal 4-way for the chance to challenge the Undertaker and the debut of FAHN-DAHN-GHOOOO!
And Dolph Ziggler, w/AJ and Big E. faces the Miz, next.
Rytman Remark: Saturday Morning Slam needs a GM because apparently WWE superstars can’t be trusted to act like wrestlers for half an hour LIKE THEY’VE DONE FOR ABOUT A YEAR!
BREAK
We come back with Miz and Dolph in the ring. Miz gets the mike (which doesn’t work) and introduces RIC FLAIR!
DOLPH ZIGGLER w/AJ AND BIG E. VS THE MIZ w/RIC FLAIR
Cole claims this makes the odds “more even,” with Flair out to neutralize things. Ziggler takes it right to Miz but is too concerned with mocking Flair, and winds up getting walloped. Kick to the face puts Ziggler outside the ring while Flair and Miz both do the strut.
BREAK
Dolph is in control when we come back. We’re reminded that Dolph will face World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio on this week’s Smackdown and possibly FAHN-DAHN-GHOO will make his debut tonight. Miz fights back, gets a near-fall. Dolph tries a small package and Miz clips the knee. Dolph fights back w/the leaping DDT and a sleeper. Miz gets free and hits a few spots before AJ climbs up on the ring. The Ref is distracted and Big E. clocks Miz. Flair whips his jacket in Big E’s face and chops him to no effect. Miz gets a kick to Big E’s head. Ziggler tries a roll-up, Miz kicks out, and catches Ziggler’s drop-kick attempt. Miz wins it w/a figure four for the submission.
WINNER: THE MIZ
Cole and King push the WWE magazine – now with multiple collectors’ edition covers.
Rock/Cena, Point/Counterpoint next
BREAK
IF YA SMELL…
WWE champion THE ROCK is in the building tonight! Rock makes his way out as #old school raw trends worldwide. Rock tells the crowd about how he just got in from Central America – 95 degrees every single day – and a woman at the airport tried to get him to wear a jacket. Rock said he had enough electricity in his body to melt anything made of ice. Then he got off the plane here…
“Sweet Harlem Shakin’ Honey Booboo it’s colllllllllld out here!” – The Rock
Rock mentions icicles on the “peoples’ nipples,” and after ten long years… FINALY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO BUFFALO! Rock mentions we are 34 days away from Wrestlemania… and John Cena takes that as a cue. On the mike, Cena gives Rock credit for all his conquests.
“You don’t know what it’s like…to tell the world… you have to do something, and then fail.” – John Cena
John feels worthless because he needed to win and failed. The crowd starts a “Cena sucks,” chance. John talks about Rock being responsible for his collapse and turn-around. It’s not just coincidence that Cena wins the Rumble the same night Rock won the title, and that he FINALLY beat Punk last week. It’s a chance at redemption and rewriting history. This is his second chance and Rock is getting a 34 day heads up.
“I am not throwing this chance away.” – Cena
Rock is happy to see that fire and desire in Cena, because Cena is the one man he wanted to face at Mania. Rock knows what this means to him, the salute, kissing the dog tags with his family’s names on them, his will to win, no one has that… except the Rock. Rock goes on about the connection he has with the fans in the arena, at home, all over and tells Cena…
“You ain’t getting redemption Jack, you getting your ass kicked.” – The Rock
Cena responds with a quote by the great philosopher Mike Tyson, (not the one about eating children…)
“In order to be the greatest that ever lived, you have to beat everyone living.” Mike Tyson (as quoted by John Cena.)
Cena will do just that, and at Wrestlemania Rock’s time is up, Cena’s time is now.
Rock retorts with a quote of his own…
“Winning is about heart, you just gotta have it in the right place.” – Lance Armstrong (as quoted by the Rock.)
“He was full of crap and so are you.” – The Rock
In 34 days, history will not repeat itself, and John Cena will become WWE champion.
Cena has just crystallized everything about their rivalry. Cena thinks he can beat Rock, Rock KNOWS he can beat Cena. Rock leaves promising he will beat Cena again, if you smell, what the Rock is cooking.
Fatal 4-way later tonight
BREAK
Tonight, Triple H Addresses Lesnar, Cole and King give us another look at the Taker’s appearance earlier tonight.
Jack Swagger is in the Ring w/Zeb Coulter as HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN makes his way to the ring WITH SGT. SLAUGHTER AND DUSTY RHODES!
JACK SWAGGER VS HACKSAW JIM DU-
Wait-a-minute, Swagger has Duggan’s 2 x 4, and uses it beat down (not off) all the legends. Slaughter and Dusty are left lying while Swagger locks in the Patriot Act on Duggan’s ankle. Swagger leaves a pile of broken men behind him.
NO CONTEST
Rytman Remark: The six-man team I always wanted, 20 years after the fact.
We get a quick look at “Marine 3,” staring the Miz, and Team Hell No face the Prime Time Players next.
BREAK
We get another reminder of the 4-way main event tonight, and Alberto Del Rio jumps Jack Swagger during an interview.
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO (KANE/DANIEL BRYAN) VS THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS (TITUS O’NEAL/DARRIEN YOUNG.)
The Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase is in the PTP corner as a special guest, and potential manager (maybe) for the PTP’s.
Basic tag without a lot of shenanigans; Bryan looks strong against O’Neal, but is soon overwhelmed by double teaming. Kane tags in and takes over on Young. Bryan tricks O’Neal over the ropes and out of the ring. While Bryan scores a flying knee, Kane ends it with a choke-slam on Young for three.
WINNERS: TEAM HELL NO!
DiBiase spots Young a $100, stuffing the bill in his mouth. Bryan waits until no-one’s looking, and swipes it out of Young’s mouth.
Backstage, it looks like a legend is returning to Shake, Rattle, and Roll RAW tonight!
Rytman Remark: Hey, Bryan’s not the idiot tonight. Nice change of pace. Also, HONKY TONK MAN!!! HONKY TONK MAN!!! HONKY TONK MAN!!!
BREAK
We’re back with the Funkadactyls leading Brodus Clay and “Sweet T” to the ring. We get some dancing and the announcer introduces THE GREATEST INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION OF ALL TIME! THE HONKY TONK MAN! Cole and King mention this is the city where Honky beat Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat for the I-C title.
Honky is about to address the crowd when Heath Slater swipes the mike from him. Slater runs him down saying…
“You need to go back to Las Vegas w/all the other Elvis impersonators.” – Heath Slater
BRODUS CLAY/TENSAI VS 3MB (HEATH SLATER/DREW MCINTYRE)
The time you took to read this is just about all the time Tensai needed to roll up Drew for a three count.
WINNERS: CLAY/TENSAI (SWEET T)
HTM’s back in the ring to start the party, but Slater’s back in his face. Slater takes the guitar shot and we get back to the dancing.
FAHN-DAAAHN-GOH makes his debut against Kofi Kingston next!
BREAK
We come back to a look at Wade Barrett in L.A. last weekend for the premier of “Dead Man Down,” a new action thriller starring Clive Owen, in which he has a bit part.
Kofi Kingston is in the ring and announcer Justin Roberts introduces FAHN-DAAHN-GO!
Up on stage, we have a lovely little ballroom dancer doing a few steps as…he comes out. FAHN-screw it Fandango calls Robert’s pronouncing “inappropriate,” and makes him try again. After this waste of everyone’s time; Fanny refuses to debut until someone gets his name right.
“Tonight was the night that you ALMOST got to see the debut of… FAAAAAAAAHN-DAAAAAN-GHO.” – Fandango.
BREAK
We return to a replay of last week’s Heyman/McMahon “fight” that became the Triple H/Brock Lesnar fight.
After that, it’s time to play the game…
“TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!” – Lenny (Motorhead)
WWE Chief Operations Officer Hunter Hearst Helmsly – Triple H is out of the back and in the ring. Last time he stood in the ring, it was 8 days after losing to, and getting his arm broken for the second time by, Brock Lesnar at Summer-Slam. As soon as the cast was off, he was back in the gym, with no real goal. He went back to the day job, put on the suit, got a haircut, started training, and got into the best shape in years, waiting for a reason. After Lesnar put Vince – the “crazy old man” – in a hospital bed, after the hip surgery, put aside all Vince has done and the entire family crying their eyes out, Hunter smiled inside.
He had his reason, and he was ready. Lesnar thought they were done?
“Reach up on top of your head and feel those 12 staples, and you know we’re just getting started.” – Triple H
He calls Lesnar out, making reference to the cut on his head where he split Lesnar wide open, letting him know that the Ass-Kicker, the King of Kings, The GAME is back.
“Are you gonna show up and fight, or are you gonna sit there and bleed?” – Triple H
Fatal 4-way tonight
BREAK
We come back to a WWE rewind of Randy Orton vs. The Big Show last Friday on Smackdown. The match ends with run-ins by the Shield and Sheamus, and the Show clocking Reigns with the KO.
We go to a promo by the Shield. Everyone wants to make history and face the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, but in case you’ve forgotten, the Shield has yet to be beaten. The Eye of Justice is watching everybody, including the Big Show. Show got in one cheap shot. It won’t happen again.
Believe in the Shield.
WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett is in the ring and Justin Roberts introduces Alberto Del Rio’s personal ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez, who introduces World Heavyweight Champion ALBERTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO!
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT
Swagger and Coulter make their way out to the stage during the match. Barrett’s brawn and brawling batter down… Berto, while Alberto agitates his adversary with agility. Every time one man makes a mistake, the other takes over. Del Rio wins it with a cross-arm-breaker by submission, and stares down Swagger from the ring.
WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO
Del Rio faces Ziggler at Smackdown this Friday and Fatal 4-way tonight
Rytman Remark: WE GET IT! THERE’S A FOUR-WAY MAIN EVENT FOR THE RIGHT TO FACE THE UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA! WE BELIVE YOU!
BREAK
We come back to a disclaimer, saying that the views expressed in the following video are those of Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter.
There was a time when if someone came into your house uninvited and stole something, they would call you a thief. They wouldn’t call you prejudiced. Real Americans refuse to use politically correct language, because they tell it like it is. That’s what being a real American is about. There will always be a group of people to tell it like it is. WE THE PEOPLE!
OH YOU DIDN’T KNOW!?
I THINK YOU BETTER CALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL SOMEBODYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
It’s the D-o-double-g! With the Bad B-A-double crooked letter Billy Gun, telling all the parents to lean down to their kids and tell them they’re the guys who…
“Wear your granddad’s clothes… we look incredible,” – Road Dogg
THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS VS PRIMO/EPICO WITH ROSA
This is the first match on RAW in 13 years for the outlaws. Team mo/co gets in a lot of double teaming on Road Dogg, but Billy picks up the win for his team w/the fame-asser.
WINNERS: THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS!
After the match, we get another look at the Rock/Cena promo and a tweet from Stephanie McMahon.
“Brock, it’s time to play the game.” Stephanie McMahon – (via Twitter.)
BREAK
We come back to Lawler commenting on his and Coles outfits.
“You look like mustard, I look like Ketchup, makes me want a hot dog” – Lawler
We get some Touts from the WWE universe, regarding who should get Taker at Mania.
Rytman Remark: These guys don’t look like the usual toothless morons that take wrestling seriously. I’m thinking if they’re not plants, they’re playing along in order to get on TV.
A dozen or so Superstars are up on stage with a table full of birthday cakes whishing Mae Young a happy 90th birthday. Mean Gene Oakerlund M.C.’s the festivities as the Divas bring out Mae. Everybody just starts “happy birthday,” when Punk’s music hits. Punk and Heyman strut through the party, on their way to the ring, pissing everyone off. Punk is in the ring as we…
BREAK
Rytman Remark: It’s their own fault for having the party on the main stage right before the main event.
We come back to a promo for Mania. Big Show, Orton, and Sheamus all make their entrances.
MAIN EVENT: FATAL 4-WAY – WINNER FACES UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA- C.M. PUNK VS BIG SHOW VS RANDY ORTON VS SHEAMUS
No one wants to start with Big Show. Orton and Sheamus chase Punk into the ring. Show makes quick work of him. Show takes out Sheamus, Orton fakes out Show, Orton and Sheamus face off with Punk trying to steal a pin when one of them goes down. Sheamus catches Punk and bum-rushes him w/Orton’s help. Show back in, takes them both down. Show stands alone as we go to…
BREAK
When we come back, the pattern is quickly established. We get two guys one-on-one, and when one is down/out another steps in. Show takes over with a KO to Punk. It becomes Sheamus on Show with Orton in and out. Show misses the KO on Sheamus. Sheamus hits the Brogue kick on Show. Orton gets the RKO on Sheamus, AND PUNK GETS THE GTS ON ORTON FOR THE WIN!
WINNER: C.M. PUNK
RAW ends with the Undertaker on the stage, staring down Punk.
ThinkSoJoE, JT, G, and Jorge return for another episode of BoredWrestlingFan Radio! Joe loses his mind, causing BWF’s RYTMAN to question his sanity in the comments of the live broadcast. Did Triple H really piss himself on RAW? Was John Cena vs. CM Punk really worthy of being shown on EVERY WWE SHOW this week? Was TNA worth watching? What was so “social” about SmackDown? In the news, we find out the whereabouts of Ted DiBiase Jr. We discuss possible Old School RAW participants. Darren Young injured? Ain’t nobody got time for that! Why is Donald Trump “Hulk Hogan creepy?” What could be a better name for a wrestling themed pizzeria than “Squared Circle?” What in the blue hell is the Harlem Shake, and will Joe be doing it at WrestleMania? All this and more on this week’s edition of BWF Radio!
Previously on RAW…
Lesnar attacked Vince.
Vince challenged Heyman to a fight.
Cena agreed to face Punk for his Wrestlemania spot…
LIVE – American Airlines Arena, Dallas Texas
We open with Vince McMahon hobbling to the ring on his crutches, for his fight with Paul Heyman, twenty-one days after hip surgery. Once in the ring, Vince promises something big every week on Monday Night RAW, leading up to Wrestlemania.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GIVE IT UP FOR THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER, PAUL HEYMAN!” – Vince McMahon
Heyman comes out dressed in a black track-suit and gloves. He tells us this is a night we’ll be able to tell our grandchildren about…
“Tonight, you’re gonna see a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.” – Paul Heyman
Heyman runs down the list of insults he’s endured from Vince and assures him he is “all man.” He compares Vince’s chances of winning to Tony Romo leading his team to a Super Bowl. He talks about how he’s wanted this for years, watching Vince put him and other promoters out of business, and beating the U.S. government. He’s coming for everything Vince has got, and since Vince is in his “executive suit,” Heyman asks if he’s sure he wants to make an “executive decision,” and go through with this. Heyman clips Vince in the bad leg in mid-sentence and wails on him with Vince’s own crutch. Vince gets to his feet and grabs the crutch in mid swing. He tosses it aside and lays into Heyman.
Cue Lesnar.
Lesnar comes out and stares down Vince in the ring, moving in slowly…
TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMME!
“Is it him?” – Michael Cole
Triple H, WWE Chief Operations Officer, makes his big return. Triple H charges in, Lesnar meets him halfway. Trips Thez presses Lesnar; brawl on the floor, Lesnar goes into the post head-first, and IS BUSTED OPEN! Lesnar takes another post-spot and is sent over the guardrail. Triple H goes after him. Lesnar, with a knee to the gut, takes over and beats Triple H down. Lesnar HITS THE F5 ON THE ANNOUNCE TABLE and tosses TH back in the ring. Lesnar tosses the crutch at Vince, and gets a chair from under the ring. He charges, TH HITS THE SPINEBUSTER, and a chair-shot to Lesnar’s back. Lesnar retreats.
Later tonight, John Cena vs. C.M. Punk and MIZ TV with Jack Swagger, Jeb Coulter, Ricardo Rodriguez and World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio.
Backstage, Ryback makes his way to the ring. RYBACK VS DOLPH ZIGGLER IS NEXT.
Break
This Friday, Smackdown goes LIVE AND INTERACTIVE! SOCIAL MEDIA SMACKDOWN!
We come back to a recap of the TH/Lesnar fight, HEAVILY EDITED TO MAKE SOMEONE LOOK GOOD, GUESS WHO. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler encourage us to “Tout” about the fight, promising to show us selected Touts on the show.
Dolph Ziggler is in the ring w/Big E. and girlfriend A.J. as RYBACK makes his entrance
RYBACK VS DOLPH ZIGGLER
The theme of the match is Power (Ryback) vs. Speed (Ziggler.) DZ starts off with a fake-out on Ryback and some strutting. It quickly becomes Ryback tossing DZ around like a rag doll. DZ fights back with a dropkick to the head and kicks to the stomach, but we go right back to Ryback catching, tossing, and slamming Ziggler around. DZ rolls out the ring to the floor, as we go to break…
COMMERCIAL
We come back to Ryback in control, holding Ziggler up in a vertical suplex for a looooooooooooong time. Ryback finally drops, Ziggler rolls out again. Ryback fetches him. Ziggler tries a kick to the face, but Ryback catches the foot and tosses him back. BIG E. PLOWS RYBACK DOWN while the ref isn’t looking. Ziggler gets Ryback back in the ring and gets a two-count, then follows up w/stomps and a dropkick to the head. Ziggler gets a reverse face-lock but Ryback powers up and tosses Ziggler. Ryback misses a charge in the corner, and Ziggler gets the leaping DDT. Ziggler gets two and jumps on Ryback with a sleeper hold. Ryback escapes with his variation on the stunner (which he did as Skip Sheffield.) Ziggler charges Ryback in the corner, Ryback just swats him off. Ryback tosses Ziggler hard a few times when AJ gets up on the ring to distract the ref (and the men on that side with her Shorty-shorts.) Big E. gets up on the apron and gets knocked back down. Ryback ends this with a power-bomb and the Shell-shock for a three count.
WINNER: RYBACK
After the match, we get a preview for THE CALL, a film starring Halle Berry and WWE Superstar David Otunga. C.M. Punk makes his way to the ring as we got to…
Break
We come back to a recap of Cena challenging Punk last week, and offering Punk the Mania spot if he wins.
C.M. Punk is in the ring, telling us we will witness the end, as well as the beginning. Tonight is not about a match, John Cena, The Rock, The People, the WWE championship, or even Wrestlemania…
“TONIGHT IS ABOUT ME!” – C.M. Punk
Punk reminds us he’s beaten Cena every time when it counted, and has pinned The Rock twice in four weeks. He goes off on an ego trip that culminates in the best heel line ever…
“In this world you all inhabit…I AM GOD!” – C.M. Punk
Punk leaves us all flabbergasted, as we go to the video package for the next inductee into the Hall Of Fame, Celebrity Honoree…
Donald Trump.
We get the story of Trump hosting Wrestlemania twice in Las Vegas and his “Hair vs. Hair” wager with Vince, as part of Bobby Lashley’s match that year.
Next is Mark Henry vs. Great Khali.
Break
MARK HENRY VS. KHALI
Trending on Twitter – “CM PUNK IS GOD”
Nothing of a match to speak of; Khali starts strong with a kick to the face, pummeling, head butts, and huge slaps to the chest, but it spills outside and Khali is crushed against the ring post. Back in the ring, Henry ends this w/a splash in the corner and the World’s Strongest Slam for a three-count.
WINNER: MARK HENRY
We get a preview of “The Marine 3,” starring the Miz, followed by Miz coming out in a suit for MIZ TV, up next.
Break
Fandango makes his debut – THIS FRIDAY ON SMACKDOWN!
We are back with MIZ TV! Miz introduces his guests, Zeb Coulter, Jack Swagger – #1 contender to the World Heavyweight title, Ricardo Rodriguez, and World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio. Miz starts off with Zeb and Swagger, giving them the opportunity to speak to Del Rio’s face.
“Well you know I was looking forward to the opportunity to talk to Glen Beck, but since he chickened out I welcome the opportunity to talk to you Mr. Del Rio.” – Zeb Coulter
Zeb, referring to himself and Swagger as “Real Americans,” and goes on to lament the eleven million undocumented workers in this country, how that’s what the “politically correct” crowd calls them and how they should be referred to as what they are, “illegals.” He references reform by way of amnesty and how illegals are crossing our borders and draining our resources. Miz turns the floor to Alberto Del Rio but Zeb interrupts. Miz tries to shut him up but ADR concedes the floor. Zeb brings up the fact that a foreigner cannot own property in Mexico, calls Ricardo “sling blade (?)” And calls everyone Del Rio inspires “criminals.”
“NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOU TO SHUT UP!” – Alberto Del Rio
Del Rio tells Zeb that this country belongs to everyone, and if you work hard, everything is possible. (Authors note: That’s debatable.) He accuses Zeb and Swagger of hiding behind the constitution and makes a challenge…
“If you two have a problem with me, and you have the Conjoins, why don’t you do something to make us leave right now?” – Alberto Del Rio
“We will see you at Wrestlemania… WE THE PEOPLE!” – Jack Swagger
With that, Swagger and Zeb leave.
Tonight – C.M. Punk faces John Cena to see who gets the Rock at Wrestlemania.
Randy Orton makes his way to the ring for his match with Antonio Cesaro, which is next.
Promo for next week, OLD SCHOOL RAW!
Break
We come back to an exclusive from WWE ACTIVE, Zeb Coulter confronts Miz and Swagger jumps him from behind, laying him out.
WWE U.S. champion Antonio Cesaro is in the ring waving the flag, and Randy Orton makes his way to the ring.
WWE U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS RANDY ORTON
Cesaro in control with the headlock, shoulder-block, and the headlock again, Orton fights out, leap-frogs Cesaro and hits the elbow. Orton hits a t-bone suplex, and both men hit forearm shots. Cesaro gets in a boot to the gut, a fore-arm to the back of Orton’s head, and a gut-wrench for two. Cesaro stomps and gouges away on Orton, locks in the headlock, Orton elbows his way to his feet, but Cesaro unloads European upper-cuts. Whip into the corner and Orton hits the clothes-line, followed by another one, Orton ducks under and hits a scoop-slam. Cesaro pulls Orton throat first into the top rope, but Orton catches Cesaro with the chin-lock back-breaker. Orton charges Cesaro in the corner, Cesaro gets the knees up in Orton’s face. Cesaro dives off the top rope INTO AN RKO. Orton gets the pin.
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
Backstage – WWE tag team champion Daniel Bryan and Kane have agreed to let bygones be bygones and focus on their match with the Prime Time Players (Darren Young/Titus O’Neal.) Bryan wants Kane to let him handle it.
“I can beat those guys blindfolded.” – Daniel Bryan
Kane responds that HE should handle it.
“I can beat those guys w/one hand tied behind my back.” – Kane
It quickly becomes the ol’ chestnut of “No you can’t/Yes I can/No you can’t/Yes I Can!” And before we can get to the issue of baking cherry pies…
“EXCUSE ME!” – Vicki Gurrero
“Excuse Me Too!” – Brad Maddox
Vicki Gurrero (RAW Managing Supervisor) and Brad Maddox (Assistant [to the] Managing Supervisor,) AKA “Briki,” would like to see exactly that. Vicki makes the match where Bryan will be blindfolded, and Kane will have one hand behind his back, at least, she TRIES TO, but Maddox keeps talking over her, until she gives him the hand. Vicki gets in the final word and walks off with maniacal laughter.
From there, we got to a classic WWE Wrestlemania promo with Cena and John Bradshaw Layfield reenacting a scene from “A Few Good Men,” as part of that year’s “Hollywood” theme.
Next – Sheamus Oscar Snubs…
Oh joy…
Break
Breaking News – Miz faces Swagger tonight. Also, Cole and Lawler remind us to air our feelings about the Lesnar/Triple H fight earlier tonight.
We come back to Sheamus coming out in a suit/tie. In the ring, he claims to be an “avid movie lover,” and has a “bone to pick” w/the Academy, for overlooking “one of the greatest actors of the 21st century, Wade Barrett. We get a preview for “Barrett’s” movie, Dead Man Down. After that, Sheamus directs our attention to a screen cap of Barrett’s scene. He’s in the background… out of focus… doing nothing. Barrett storms out, commenting on how the Irish love the color green, in reference to the jealousy coming out of Sheamus’ ears. Wade says by tomorrow night, he’ll be a global star in a worldwide blockbuster, and Sheamus will be returning his tux and drinking in a sleazy Irish pub. Sheamus advises Barrett to make sure the paparazzi get his “good side,” but admits that due to his nose, he may not have one. Barrett goes after Sheamus, Sheamus ducks and goes for the Brogue Kick, but Barrett breaks and bails.
Later Tonight – THE SHIELD!
Break
Cody Rhodes is in the ring and his best friend, Damian Sandow is on commentary. R-Truth makes his way to the ring we take a look back at last week when Sandow jumped Kofi Kingston before their match could start, and R-Truth came out to fight Sandow off.
CODY RHODES VS R-TRUTH
Side head lock by Cody, Shoulder block by Truth, Rhodes goes for a leap-frog, but Truth hits the breaks, gives us a dance and a big right hand to Cody. Whip into the corner, and Cody hits an elbow. Cody misses the “beautiful disaster” but goes to work on Truth’s left knee. Truth gets caught in the corner as Cody continues his leg assault, and beats Truth down. Cody drops Truth face-first from a suplex stance, and continues the beat down as Truth tries to fight back. Rhodes gets Truth in a snap-mare and a full nelson. Truth fights out and whips Cody into the ropes, Cody gets a kick to the face, and RUNS RIGHT INTO THE “LITTLE JIMMY” FACE DROP for three. After the match, Sandow jumps Truth, but Truth fights him off.
WINNER: R-TRUTH
We get a look at a WE THE PEOPLE YouTube video on “jobs.” Zeb Coulter says he hears real Americans all over weeping because they’ve lost their jobs, and can’t provide for their families. Swagger mentions how his father had to tell his mother to get a job because his 25 years at a factory left him with nothing, and Swagger had to go to work when he was 14 to provide for his family. Zeb blames this on “Criminals” coming into our country and “stealing our jobs.”
Later tonight, Swagger vs. Miz
Break
TEAM HELL NO VS THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS
Bryan is blindfolded; Kane has one arm tied behind his back. Bryan fells Kane’s face and tells him to get out. Bryan starts off by going after the referee by mistake. O’Neal and Young use their whistles to confuse Bryan and lead him into their corner. They take turns beating him down until O’Neal misses an elbow drop. Out on the floor, Kane tries to help Bryan, but takes a forearm to the face from him. Bryan trips getting back in the ring, Bryan ducks a charge from Young and Kane makes a “blind” tag.
Ha.
I kill me.
I wish you would.
Kane comes in and steamrolls over both men with big right hands, and boots to the face. Kane finishes this with a choke-slam for the three, and we all laugh at Bryan. (By “we” I mean Cole and King.)
WINNERS: TEAM HELL NO
Shield interview next.
Break
We come back to another Recap of how Vince/Heyman became Triple H running off Lesnar, and another reminder to tout about it.
The Shield – Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins make their way through the crowd to the ring.
“It’s always gotta get worse, before it can get better, and believe us when we tell you, it’s gonna keep getting worse.” – Dean Ambrose
“If you don’t believe in the Shield, Justice is gonna hunt you down and we’re gonna grind your bones to dust.” – Roman Reigns
“We solved the John Cena problem.” – Seth Rollins
Shield threatens “no peace” in the WWE without Justice or Honor. They are the most efficient unit in the WWE today and that makes a lot of WWE Superstars nervous, breaking up their comfort zones. The Shield will beat any “super team” that gets thrown at them. They’ve beaten the Neanderthal Ryback, the has-been wannabe rock star Jericho, and Cena IS THERE ANYONE ELSE?
Cue Sheamus.
Sheamus challenges the Shield to walk up to the stage and fight him. Ambrose and Reigns take him up on the deal. Seth straggles behind and RKO BY RANDY ORTON OUT OF NOWHERE! Orton escapes through the crowd as the Shield tries to regroup.
Up next, Swagger vs. The Miz
Break
We come back to a promo for “Old School RAW” next week, and a recap of the RKO on Rollins.
Swagger is in the ring w/Zeb as the Miz makes his entrance.
JACK SWAGGER VS. THE MIZ
The match is basically Miz going after Swagger with fists and kicks, and Swagger using his weight and power to stop his momentum. They trade spots until Swagger pushes Miz through the ropes. Miz gets his ankle caught and sells it as an injury for Swagger to capitalize on. Swagger ends this with the Patriot Act (ankle lock) submission.
WINNER: JACK SWAGGER
Quick sponsor spot for Sonic restaurants and a recap of last week’s unveiling of the new WWE title, as well as Punk taking Cena out with the old belt.
Cena v. Punk is tonight!
Cena promo next!
Break
We come back to a Tout from Triple H to Brock Lesnar.
“Are you just gonna stand around and bleed, or are you gonna do something about it?” – Triple H
Cole says Lesnar needed 18 staples for his head. We get another heavily edited recap of the Triple H/Lesnar brawl and some Touts from the WWE universe.
Backstage, Josh Mathews has John Cena joining him for a promo. Cena compares the match to Thunder dome, “Two men enter, one man will leave,” with a chance to go to Wrestlemania and become immortal. Cena asked for this match tonight to prove that Punk is wrong about him not deserving to go to Wrestlemania.
“Either step up, or you step aside.” – John Cena
John doesn’t care what the Rock is cooking, he’s serving up some humble pie and he hopes all his critics are hungry. Tonight, is for anyone still believes in “Hustle, Loyalty, Respect,” then tonight, their time is now.
We get a quick promo for ROBOT WARS hosted by Chris Jericho AND CENA VS PUNK IS NEXT!
Break
Last Saturday, Waco Texas, THE UNDERTAKER RETUNED! We see his silhouette on Tout at a house show.
AND NOW OUR MAIN EVENT! WINNER FACES ROCK AT WRESTLEMANIA FOR THE WWE TITLE!
JOHN CENA VS C.M. PUNK
Punk makes his way out looking determined, followed by John Cena. Both men get full entrances before they get announced in the ring.
“LETS GO CENA/CENA SUCKS!” – Dallas crowd
We start slow, with basic holds, escapes, and take downs. Punk takes a breather as we go to…
Break
Cena is in control as we come back, until Punk side-steps him, into the corner. Punk goes after the neck but Cena powers out of the head scissors into a drop. Cena gets a boot, running bulldog, and a two count. Cena wears down Punk with headlocks. Punk shoots him off the ropes and hits a flying thrust kick for two, and takes control w/a headlock. Cena fights out, gets a flying shoulder tackle, but misses the second time and goes out to the floor. Punk hits a dive on Cena and is in control as we go to…
Break.
Punk in control w/the abdominal stretch, Punk hit the DDT during the commercial (according to WWE active) and has the anaconda vice on Cena! Cena rolls over to get two and Punk breaks it up. Swinging neck breaker gets Punk two. Cena goes for the STF but Punk makes the ropes and hits a flying clothes line for two. Punk goes up top and gets caught in the STF! Punk escapes and locks in the Vice! Cena counters w/the cross-face! Punk rolls him back for two. Both men spent, down on the mat. Slowly both men are up and trading hard shots. Punk hits some strong kicks but Cena catches him in a spin-toss. Cena goes for the five knuckle shuffle but takes a kick to the head. Punk tries the GTS, Cena tries a sunset-flip, and Punk gets two with a pin attempt. Both men get up slowly. Punk hits a knee in the corner and tries a bulldog. Cena drops him and gets the 5KS. Both men try for finishers and Cena hits a power bomb for two. Cena up on top, taking too much time, and Punk cuts him off. Cena powers and head butts out of a Superplex attempt, and gets two w/a flying leg drop. Punk hits a sharp kick to the head and a running knee lift, but Cena gets the AA out of nowhere for two! On the outside, Punk sends Cena into the post and almost gets the count-out! Cena beats it barely. Both men up slowly, and Punk hits the GTS for two! Punk goes for a second one but Cena catches the knee and hooks the STF! Punk makes the ropes. Punk hits a kick to the knee and scores a pile driver! For two! Punk tries another cover but Cena kicks out again. Punk goes up top…and misses the “Macho Man Elbow.” Cena wins it with a hurriconrana! And the AA for three!
WINNER: JOHN CENA
“I’d like to say to C.M. Punk what the Hulk said to Loki… puny God.” – Jerry Lawler
Cena leaves the ring as the official challenger for the Rock at Wrestlemania.
Rock sends Cena congratulations over Twitter.
And we’re out.
We want Punk to have that one. Get ’em, Punk!
It’s that time of the week again, where ThinkSoJoE passes the dutchie on the left hand side. This week, the BWF crew are joined by Rational Wrestling Review’s Alice Arrington, who rubs it in our faces that Chris Jericho did a three hour interview with herself and Konnan this week on MLW. We go over the week in pro wrestling television before diving straight in to the saga of Jack Swagger. We talk about Swagger’s arrest, and how Glenn Beck and Alex Jones have likely saved his title match at WrestleMania. Speaking of Glenn Beck, we called him out on Twitter earlier this week. Did he show up to talk to us? Of course he didn’t! We dive even further into the drama that is Hart Legacy Wrestling, with quotes from Lance Storm on how the original show was booked. We reveal (in case you’ve been living under a rock) details about who will be publishing the next WWE video game, plus a rumor about TNA’s next foray into the world of gaming. All this, and much more, on BWF Radio Episode 63!
Hokay. This is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY late. What I’m going to do here is recap a replay of last night’s RAW. This is for two reasons, I need more practice in real-time recapping, and I owe BWF my RAW recap.
So here we go!
We open with a recap of Elimination Chamber from Sunday. Alberto Del Rio beat the Big Show, Jack Swagger won the Chamber, and C.M. Punk lost. We get a reminder that Cena’s road to Wrestlemania starts tonight.
Live in the Cajun Dome! Cena’s out to address the WWE universe, and we’re reminded that it’s Cena vs. Rock for the WWE title. John reminds everyone that it’ll be John Cena vs. The Rock, and that’s when Punk comes out.
Punk accuses Cena of taking the easy way out. Punk says Rock beat him fair and square on Sunday, if you disregard the fact that Rock hit an official, and Punk had him pinned for “an 18 count.” Cena tells him to “sit this one out,” and “for once, it’s not about C.M. Punk.” Punk disagrees, reminding Cena how he brought prestige to the WWE title, and how Cena can’t beat the Rock, and how he’s never beat Punk. Punk tells him to walk away. Cena makes it clear he will not. Cena concedes that he hasn’t beat the Rock, and if he can’t beat Punk, then he doesn’t deserve the title shot. Cena agrees to give Punk the shot at Wrestlemania if Punk can beat him in a match, right here, right now. Punk decides to do this on his terms, and since he shouldn’t even be in this position, he decides to do this next week. Cena makes it official. Punk vs. Cena, Wrestlemania headline title shot on the line, next Monday.
We get an announcement that tonight will be the Rock’s championship celebration, and The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry, is up next.0
We’re back. We get a picture of Thomas Jefferson and one of his quotes as part of a “president’s day” tribute.
“ONE MAN WITH COURAGE IS A MAJORITY.” – Thomas Jefferson
Backstage with Sheamus and Matt Striker. Sheamus doesn’t know what went wrong last night, they were supposed to get revenge on the Shield, but didn’t. Ryback walks into frame and Sheamus call him a neanderthall. Ryback and Sheamus get up into each others’ face, when Chris Jericho steps in. He gets them to stop fighting and offers them a chance to team up with him in a six-man against the Shield. Sheamus and Ryback agree.
“FEED ME SHIELD” – Ryback
SIN CARA VS MARK HENRY
This was an out-and-out squash. Sin Cara got in one kick to the head, but it ends with a powerslam and a “world’s strongest slam.”
WINNER: MARK HENRY
Henry bullies the ref out of the ring and turns his attention to the fallen Sin Cara. Great Khali strides out (slowly) and after a stare-down, teasing a fight, Henry bails.
“IF I WANNA DANCE, I GIVE EM’ THAT. YOU DANCE, THAT’S ALL YOU GOOD FOR ANYWAY.” – Mark Henry
We go to a recap of the U.S. title match at Elimination Chamber, between the Miz and Champion Antonio Cesaro. We see Miz drop knee first into Cesaro’s groin, and get dq’d.
Vicki Guerro announces the six-man main event for tonight – Jericho, Sheamus, and Ryback vs The Shield via Twitter.
When we come back, Miz vs. Cesaro, NO DQ!
We’re back with a promo for FANDANGO, comming soon.
Miz is in the ring w’a taped-up shoulder and arm. We get a recap of last Monday’s RAW when Cesaro swung him into the guardrail.
NO DQ MATCH-U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS THE MIZ
Miz starts strong, but the match goes out to the floor and Cesaro sends the bad arm into the post. Cesaro throws Miz back in the ring with some chairs and a kendo stick. Cesaro wedges a chair between two turnbuckles in the corner, and tries to drive the Miz shoulder-first into it. Miz counters a few times and Cesaro has more luck with the Kendo stick. Cesar pins the bad shoulder of Miz between his knee and a chair, and works the arm. Cesaro sets Miz up in the corner for a charge, but Miz gets a shot to the face. Cesaro charges knee first and Miz ducks. Cesaro hits the chair in the corner. Miz drop-toe-holds him chest first into the other chair, and ends this with a figure four for the submission.
WINNER: THE MIZ
Later tonight, Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter will make a “State of the Union” address to the WWE universe. Right now, we’re getting a look at an Internet video made by Zeb and Swagger. (youtube.com/wethepeoplezeb) It looks like a public access channel video with a “Don’t Tread On Me” flag tacked up in the back. Zeb delivers a rant against immigrants with Swagger looming menacingly in the background.
We’re reminded that Cena vs. Punk is next week and the Rock’s championship celebration is tonight.
We come back to a pic and a quote of Abraham Lincoln.
“YOU CAN FOOL SOME OF THE PEOPLE ALL OF THE TIME, YOU CAN FOOL ALL OF THE PEOPLE SOME OF THE TIME, YOU CAN’T FOOL ALL OF THE PEOPLE ALL OF THE TIME.” – Abraham Lincoln.
Backstage, WWE tag team champions Daniel Bryan and Kane are arguing over what happened between them in the Elimination chamber last Sunday. Brian has requested a singles match and doesn’t want Kane coming out with him. Kane decides he’ll request a singles match and doesn’t want Bryan coming out with him. Kane warns Bryan that he’d better be a man of his word, because he doesn’t like snakes. Randy Orton overhears this, and takes exception to it. Kane explains that if a snake gets too close to him, he squashes it with his boot. Orton compares Kane to Barney the Dinosaur and Bryan laughs. Orton disappears, and Kane sulks off.
We go to Vicki’s office where Paul Heyman has been summoned. Vicki rags on Heyman about how useless his special stipulations were in the WWE title match. Later on, she will make a big announcement concerning his career, in the ring.
Team Ziggler (Dolp, Big E. and AJ) makes their way out as we go to break.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS DOLPH ZIGGLER
Ziggler’s in the ring as we recap Del Rio’s win over the Big Show at EC. Ricardo Rodriguez comes out to introduce Del Rio. The crowd is not into it. Ziggler goes right after Del Rio. Del Rio fights back. Ziggler goes up and over the ropes, lands on the apron. Del Rio hits the enziguri as we go to break…
Ziggler in control as we come back, choking Del Rio against the ropes. Ziggler with a dropkick. Choking again, and Big E. sneaks in a cheap shot at ringside. Ziggler gets a two-count with a fame-asser and goes up top. ADR cuts him off and hits a REVERSE FACE-LOCK SUPERPLEX. Ziggler up first. They trade punches, ADR hits two clothes-line, a tilt-a-whirl back-breaker, and a thrust kick for two. ADR gets a “Si” chant going but Ziggler hits the neck-breaker for two. Ziggler whips ADR into the corner, ADR gets the boots up, ties up Ziggler, and hits several forearms to the back and a back-stabber for two. Big E up on the apron. Del Rio knocks him off. Ziggler goes for the flying DDT, but Del Rio hits the arm-breaker for the submission.
WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO
After the match, Big E. blindsides ADR and beas him down. Ziggler realizes this is the best time to cash in the MiTB briefcase, but Ricardo swipes it and runs off with Big E. after him. AJ recovers the case, but Ziggler eats a huge kick from ADR.
Later tonight, the Rock’s celebration, and Kane vs.Randy Orton
And we got to break…
We are back with Intercontinental champion Wade Barrett in the ring, telling all of us about his big break in a major motion picture. We then get shown the trailer for “Dead Man Down,” in theaters on March 8th. We come back to Wade but Sheamus interrupts from the Titan-Tron to point out that Wade isn’t the star, Colin Farrell is. He invites Barrett to respond, but is told we’re out of time.
SIX PERSON TAG TEAM MATCH – TENSAI/BRODUS CLAY/AND NAOMI VS PRIMO/EPICO/AND ROSA
The Funkadayctals make their entrance w/Brodus and Tensai. Rosa and team MO-CO cut the music short with their entrance. Naomi starts off with Rosa, taking charge with high-flying moves. Rosa tags in Primo who goes after Naomi but Tensai makes the save and send Primo out. Naomi hits a sliding dropkick between Tensai’s legs on Epico and Rosa. Tensai and Brodus ends this with double headbuts and a double splash.
WINNERS: BRODUS CLAY AND TENSAI
We get a dance party in the ring before going to a WWE.com press conference in the Super-dome, where we get an announcement about Wrestlemania 30 being there next year, April 2014.
Up next is the “State Of The Union” address from Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter.
We come back with a quote from Harry S. Truman
“THE BUCK STOPS HERE.” – Harry S. Truman
Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter are in the ring with a podium and a “don’t tread on me” flag set up. Swagger claims that he took the weight of the nation on his shoulders when he won the EC match and became #1 contender to the WHC. He turns the mike over to Zeb, who claims the state of our union is “pathetic.” In summation, he basically accuses foreigners of coming here to take our health care, jobs, and resources, and how when Jack Swagger beats ADR, he will restore our nation to greatness.
Daniel Bryan makes his entrance as we go to break.
JACK SWAGGER VS. DANIEL BRYAN
Match is basically Bryan slipping out of Swagger’s grasp with his speed/agility until Swagger gets a chance to pound on the bad ribs of Bryan. Bryan fights back with quick strikes and high-risk high-flying. Bryan misses a charging drop-kick and Swagger works his leg. Swagger ends this with the “Patriot Act,” submission.
WINNER: JACK SWAGGER
Later tonight, Jericho, Sheamus, and Ryback vs. The Shield, and Vicki’s big announcement about Heyman.
We come back to a Wrestlemania promo and Vicki in the ring demanding our attention, preparing to make an announcement that could change Heyman’s career/life. She announces Brad Maddox as “assistant to the managing supevisor.” Brad says this was his reward for blowing the whistle on Heyman.
“IS THIS MY CUE TO VOMIT?” – Paul Heyman
Heyman says goodnight and gets ready to leave, when Vince makes his appearance on the Tron, stopping him. He reminds Heyman of last week when Heyman requested the DQ/count-out stip for the WWE title match at EC, and how Heyman said he do “anything” for it. Basically Vince challenges Heyman to a fight in two weeks when he makes his return.
And Break…
CHRIS JERICHO, SHEAMUS & RYBACK VS. THE SHIELD
Jericho, Sheamus, & Ryback each make a separate entrance, the Shield come down all at once through the crowd. The faces start off strong, with each man getting a shot at a Shield member. The faces dominate as we go to break…
We come back to the Shield beating down Sheamus. Sheamus fights his way free and brings in Ryback. Ryback hits hard and fast, tossing around the Shield, but he takes a spear when the ref isn’t looking. The Shield pile on Ryback with double teaming until one of them misses a charge. Ryback brings in Jericho, who takes over on the Shield. Jericho locks in the “Walls Of Jericho” while Sheamus takes a Shield member to the outside, brawling. Ryback is down, and the Shield leader takes out Jericho with a flying knee behind the ref’s back. Jericho gets pinned for three.
WINNERS: THE SHIELD
And break…
We come back with a quote from JFK.
“ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU, ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR COUNTRY.” – John F. Kennedy
DAMIEN SANDOW VS KOFI KINGSTON
Sandow comes out, berating the audience and claims his great-grandfather came up with the new deal. He attacks Kofi before the bell rings and brutalizes him, until R-Truth makes his comeback and the save. Sandow is left lying.
NO CONTEST
We go to Josh Mathews at ringside w/two of his co-stars from “G.I. JOE: RETALIATION,” and a clip from the movie.
The Rock’s celebration, up next…
We’re back with another promo for Fandango, and Randy Orton making his entrance.
RANDY ORTON VS KANE
We get a plug for the EXTREME RULES PPV as Kane makes his way to the ring. Match is back and forth until Daniel Bryan comes out to distract Kane. Kane loses focus and walks into an RKO for the three-count.
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
And break…
We come back to a local marching band making their way down to the ring. After they finish playing, the Rock makes his big entrance. First, he runs down Punk, pointing out how he beat Punk in two straight PPV’s so he could be here tonight as WWE champion. Rock says in 48 days he’s going to Wrestlemania, but not with the “spinny” belt.
“THE WWE TITLE SHOULD NEVER LOOK LIKE A TOY, AND IT SHOULD NEVER, EVER, SPIN” – The Rock
The Rock retires the WWE “spinner” belt, and talks about how the belt should “inspire” the people watching and respect the legacy of champions past. He then unveils the “New” WWE championship. It looks like a big ring, with the WWE logo taking up most of the face-plate over the word “champion,” and the Rock’s Brahma-Bull logo on each side. Rock asks the question “Who will the Rock face at Wrestlemania? John Cena, or C.M. Punk?” Rock is about to name his preference, when Cena’s music hits and he comes out. He’s facing down the Rock when Punk nails him from behind with the spinny belt. He tosses it aside, and says “I want that one,” while pointing at Rock. The show ends with Punk staring down the Rock and walking out, while the Rock paces around the ring in confuion and Cena tries to pull himself up.
We open the show w/a montage of the Shield beating down people, until last week when Cena, Sheamus & Ryback led the charge against them. Also, the Rock is here tonight.
Paul Heyman is in the ring, announcing that tonight is the last night we will ever see Paul Heyman. He talks about his passions and his sacrifices, and all the things he gave up – including his parents fortune – to bring us ECW, and Brock Lesnar. He talks of C.M. Punk being the man to carry WWE into the long-term future.
“You don’t have to be Nostradamus to see into the future. And I can see into the future, and I can tell you ladies and gentlemen, something bad is going to happen here. And that Sword Of Damocles is hanging straight over my head, and it is going to come down not just on me, but every single person around me, and that means it’s going to come down on C.M. Punk.” – Paul Heyman
Heyman goes on to tender his resignation, saying essentially that the McMahon’s obsession with him and his dealings make him an obstacle to Punk winning back the title, and with that, he says goodbye.
C.M. Punks’ music hits and Punk comes out. Punk asks Heyman why he’s doing this. Heyman replies that in the land of the McMahon’s, perception is reality. Vince McMahon’s perception is that Heyman was behind Brad Maddox and the Shield, and whatever happens to Heyman will happen to C.M. Punk. He claims Vince is planing to screw them over big at Elimination Chamber and Wrestlemania. Punk argues that he is a “Paul Heyman guy,” and that there are a lot of “Heyman guys” out there. Punk insists that he will resume his historic title reign as WWE champion at Elimination Chamber and that Heyman will be in his corner. Paul is so moved by this show of support, that he renounces his resignation. Punk/Heyman embrace, while ringside commentators Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler make derogatory comments comparing this to the Pope’s resignation and “the most ridiculous love-fest” Cole’s ever been a part of.
The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry, makes his way to the ring as we go to break…
We come back to Khali dancing in the ring w/Natalia & Hornswoggle. The dancing stops as Henry makes his way to the ring. We get a recap of Henry squashing Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara last week, and his win over Randy Orton on last Friday’s Smackdown, which qualified him for the Elimination Chamber.
MARK HENRY VS THE GREAT KHALI
This match BARELY goes five minutes, maybe less. Khali pummles Henry into the corner, and hits big slaps to the cest and head-butts. Henry fights back with kicks and gets Khali in the corner, but runs into an elbow, and a big boot to the face. Khali side-steps Henry into the corner and goes back to the big chest-slap and head butt. Henry blocks a shot, hits a few big right-hands, and gives Khali a short-splash into the corner. Henry hits a big clothes-line, then ends it with the world’s stongest slam for three.
WINNER: MARK HENRY
After the match, Henry gets back in the ring, catches Hornswoggle from behind, and crushes him w/the world’s strongest slam.
“That’s What I Do!” – Mark Henry
This Friday on Smackdown, Orton gets Henry in a re-match.
Later tonight, Cena, Sheamus & Ryback vs #MB…
And break…
We come back to Teddy Lond and Smackdown GM Booker T discussing how impressive Mark Henry is, when Chris Jericho steps up to request a spot in the Chamber. Teddy is readdy to put him in right now. Booker says “Hold up dawg,” and says Jerico has to impress him. Teddy whispers a suggestion to Booker.
“Teddy, that idea sucks.” – Booker T.
Booker suggests that Jericho earn a spot by beating someone already in the match, Daniel Bryan. Jericho agrees to face Daniel “Beard-on” and get back into the chamber and go one step closer to becoming a “seven-time, seven-time, seven-time Heavyweight Champion of the World.”
“NOW CAN YOU DIG THAT, SUKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!?” – Chris Jericho.
Jericho walks off, leaving Booker wide-eyed in disbelief.
We shift to Vicki Guerrero in her office, on the phone. Heyman walks in, demanding her time. He requests that Vicki add a stipulation to the WWE title match at Elimination Chamber. If the Rock is counted out/disqualified, Punk will be awarded the title. Vicki refuses, then her phone rings. It’s Vince McMahon. Heyman tries to brown-nose Vinny Mac, but Vince cuts him off and demands to know what stipulation he wants. Heyman makes a sheepish request for the count-out/dq stip, and Vince agrees. Heyman thanks Vince for the stip and goes on to call him a “father figure.” Vince hangs up on him. Heyman says Vicki has a lousy phone, and Vicki laughs.
Daniel Bryan makes his way to the ring as we go to break…
We come back to a promo for “FANDANGO” coming soon, followed by Jericho making his way to the ring.
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION DANIEL BRYAN VS CHRIS JERICHO
The bell rings. Jericho scores two schoolboy roll-ups, two arm-drags, and an ARMBAR! Bryan reverses it into a wrist-lock and a hammer-lock. Booker T and Teddy Long watch a monitor from backstage. Jericho elbows Bryan’s face and hits the ropes. Bryan leap-frogs Jericho, drops down, Jericho goes over, and Bryan hits a knee to Jericho. Bryan kicks Jericho in the chest, the back, hits a snap-mare, a knee-drop, he gets two, and goes to work on Jericho’s arm. Bryan wrist-locks Jericho, works the arm over his shoulder, Jericho reverses the wrist-lock and scores a chop. Jericho puts the boot to him and backs Bryan into the corner with a forearm smash. Bryan reverses a whip into the ropes, Jericho hits a kick to the face, but Bryan sends him up, over, and out to the floor. Bryan tosses Jericho back in. Jericho hits a shoulder-block, but misses a second-rope ricochet body-press and lands on the floor. Bryan hits a flying tackle through the ropes, and both men are hurting as we go to break…
As we come back, Bryan slides out of a suplex attempt, and rolls Jericho up for two. Jericho kicks out and hits a clothes-line. Jericho chokes Bryan in the corner, whips him across the ring, charges into a boot, and Bryan hits the charging drop-kick in the corner on Jericho. Jericho reverses a whip, Bryan goes up the corner ropes and over Jericho, Jericho hits two shoulder-blocks, and Bryan sends him over the ropes. Jericho lands on his feet, goes up-top, misses a flying fore-arm, and Bryan hits a clothes-line. Bryan charges Jericho, Jericho catches the legs and goes for the Walls Of Jericho. Bryan flips him off but runs into an elbow. Jericho goes for a Lion-sault but hits the knees of Bryan. Bryan goes up-top but Jericho cuts him off and crotches him on the top corner. Jericho hits a chop and goes for a super-plex, but Bryan shoves him off and scores a flying head-butt for two. Bryan hits a few knees to the face, but Jericho catches a leg and hooks the Walls Of Jericho! Bryan holds on and powers out of it, twisting it into a “No-Lock” attempt, but can’t lock his hands. Jericho reverses it into another WOJ attempt, but Bryan flips him off and hits a vicious kick to the head for two. Bryan gets the crowd going “Yes!” by going “No!” and sets in with shin kicks to Jericho. Jericho tries another roll-up, Bryan kicks out, and Jericho hits the Code-breaker for a three-count.
WINNER: CHRIS JERICHO
Jericho is now in the Elimination Chamber. Later tonight, the Shield will address us. Up next, John Cena, Sheamus and Ryback face the Three Man Band.
We come back to a recap of last week, when Cena and friends ran off the Shield.
JOHN CENA, SHEAMUS, AND RYBACK VS 3MB (HEATH SLATER, JINDER MAHAL & DREW MACINTYRE)
Apparently, Jerry Lawler has taken exception to Heath Slater making comments about singing, and dancing better than Elvis Presley…
“I told him [Slater] I wish you’d go to the bathroom like Elvis Presley.” – Jerry Lawler
Slater starts off with Ryback. He shoots off his mouth, plays air guitar, takes a boot to the stomach, and gets press-slamed. Ryback tags in Sheamus, who brutalizes Drew MacIntyre. Cena tags in and faces off with Jinder Mahal. Match breaks down into a brawl and ends with the Cena-friends each hitting a finisher on a band member. (AA, Shell-shock, and White Noise.)
WINNERS: TEAM CENA
After the match, Cena and co. each take a turn calling out the Shield. We go to a recap of Alberto Del Rio sabotaging Big Show’s bus and dropping paint all over him.
We go to earlier today, with Yoshi Tatsu and Alex Riley both joking about the Show’s misfortune. It ends with Show clocking them both out.
And we go to break…
We come back to Big Show making his way to the ring for an interview. Matt Striker gets KO’d before he’s halfway through a sentence. Show grabs the mike and spends several minutes trying to say something. However he’s too angry and just drops the mike, and walks off.
We get another look at the tribute video for Bruno Samartino’s Hall Of Fame induction and we’re told there is an exclusive interview w/Bruno and Hunter Hearst Helmsley about Bruno accepting the nodd this year. We’re also reminded that the Rock will be here tonight.
JACK SWAGGER VS ZACK RYDER
Ryder’s in the ring and Swagger makes his way to the ring with a man referred to as “Jebadiah Coulter,” (who I believe might be Dutch Mantel.) Ryder gets in some offense, but Swagger wrestles more viciously then ever, and after bouncing Ryder’s head and back off the turn-buckles, he ends this with the “Patriot Act.” (Ankle Lock Submission.)
WINNER: JACK SWAGGER
After the match, Jeb Coulter is given the mike and delivers a vaguely racist diatribe about “getting rid of” people who aren’t “real Americans.”
Backstage, Booket and Teddy are discussing Swagger and Jeb, when Dolph Ziggler steps in w/AJ and Big E. Angered that Jericho is back with a spot in the Elimination Chamber match, he demands a chance at the last spot. Booker agrees, and puts him in a qualifying match… with Kane.
We get a recap of Brock Lesnar destroying Miz TV and the Miz last week.
Miz makes his entrance as we go to Break. He faces Cody Rhodes next.
THE MIZ VS CODY RHODES
U.S. Champion Antonio Cesaro is at ringside, making refrences to his brawl with Miz last week. Cesaro says he caries the American Flag to “rub it in everybody’s face,” how much better he is than us. Match is a by-the-numbers back-and-forth until it goes to the outside. Cesaro gets up in Miz’s face, Miz boots him down and goes to work on Cody, until Cesaro shoves him into the ringpost. Cesaro swings Miz into the guardrail as officals try to break it up.
WINNER BY DQ: THE MIZ
We then get a feature about the WWE Wrestlemania Reading Challenge, where WWE talent go to schools to talk about the importance of reading and children are rewarded for good literacy w/a chance to go to Wrestlemania.
Later tonight, we hear from the Rock and The Shield.
We go to break…
We come back to Rosa Mendes shakin’ her thing in the ring, with Epico and Primo. Brodus Clay makes his entrance w/Tesai and the Pom-Pom waving Funkadactyls.
BRODUS CLAY/TENSAI VS PRIMO/EPICO
Team Mo/Co are straight up jobbed out to the Funkasaurus and the “hip-hop-hippo.” Tensai wins it w/a splash.
WINNERS: TENSAI/BRODUS CLAY
After the match, Rosa gets up in Tensai’s face, but is sent packing by some nifty double-teaming by Naomi/Cameron.
And we go to break…
After the break, the Shield make their way to the ring. They answer the challenge of Cena, Sheamus, and Ryback by calling them out. They cut a promo about Cena failing everyday and how Cena will fail again at Elimination Chamber. Their problem is “The John Cena Problem.” He lives in a bubble with no consequences. That’s not the real world. And he’s laid the groundwork for an entire generation of superstars to be just like him. The Shield will undo a decade of injustice, and invite their opponents to “breath as much fresh air as possible.” They stand around in defiance for a few moments… then the lights go out. When they come back on, Cena and company are each fighting a member of the Shield. After a wild brawl, the Shield take a powder, and Cena’s team smile and slap hands w/the fans.
We get a recap of Heyman’s resignation and Punk talking him out of it. The Rock will be here later tonight, and Alberto Del Rio makes his way to ringside w/Ricardo Rodriguez.
And break…
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS DAMIEN SANDOW
Sandow comes out to berate Nashville (the sight of tonight’s show) for listening to Country Music. Ricardo introduces ADR with the full support of the crowd. Sandow starts off strong with kicks, knees, and a Russian leg-sweep/”elbow of disdain” combo, but misses a charge and Del Rio takes over with clothes-lines, a tilt-a-whirl back-breaker, and a thrust-kick for two. Del Rio gets the “Si” chant going and ens this surprisingly quickly w/the arm-breaker.
WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO!
Alberto cuts a promo, inviting Big Show to pack up his bus and go to Mexico, while he goes to Wrestlemania after their match at Elimination Chamber.
WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett makes his way to the ring for a match w/Kofi Kingston, but is jumped from behind by Bo Dallas. Barrett is down as we go to break.
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT VS KOFI KINGSTON
The match is basically Kofi’s speed and striking ability vs Wade’s muscle and brawling tactics. Recurring theme in the match is both men ducking each others high-spots. Kofi dives after Wade. Wade catches Kofi’s head in the ring apron and gets the three with the bull-hammer elbow.
WINNER: WADE BARRETT
And break…
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION KANE VS DOLPH ZIGGLER
Kane starts off in control with big right hands and tossing Ziggler around as we go to break…
We come back and Kane in still in control, until it spills outside. Big E distracts Kane and Ziggler sends him into the guardrail. Kane beats the ten count. The match quickly goes back/forth with each man hitting one big spot after another, until Kane goes up top. AJ jumps on the ring to get a distraction, Kane misses the clothesline, Ziggler sends AJ into Big E’s arms, and his distraction allows Kane to hit the choke-slam for three and the last spot in the Chamber.
WINNER: KANE
When we come back, our main event… a promo by The Rock.
We’re back with a look at the Elimination Chamber match itself and…FINALLY, THE ROCK HAS COME OUT TO DO A PROMO!
Story Time! The Rock regales us all with a story about how, when he was 15, his family moved to Tennessee. He was already 6’4′ and 220 lbs. and not getting any action because girls thought he was a undercover cop. One night, he’s in a bar, and buys a car from a crackhead for $40. After driving for a while, he finds a second crackhead in the car and kicks him out, then abandons the car in a Burger King parking lot at 2 a.m. because he suspected it was stolen. The moral of the story…
1. Don’t buy a car from a crackhead.
2. Don’t be like the Rock at 15, doing all the stuff you shouldn’t.
Rock then talks about being 25 and wrestling at used car dealerships for $40 a night, and dreaming of someday being WWE champion, just like he will be, after Elimination Chamber.
Punk’s music hits, and he’s out with Paul Heyman. Rock compares them to characters form “Twilight,” (Fat werewolf/Homeless Vampire,) and challenges Punk to “just bring it.” Punk strolls down to the ring, fakes changing his mind, and storms the ring. Punk actually had Rock on the defensive, until Rock hit the “Smackdown” (Spine-buster) on him. Rock goes for the “Peoples’ Elbow,” but Heyman trips him up. Punk hits the GTS on Rock, and leaves with the belt.
“Whenever you Bring it, Because it’s mine, I’ll just take it.” – C.M. Punk