I hear you say.. what the hell are you doing here? You don’t write columns about wrestling. Bugger off to some other website and write about crap no-one cares about. That may be true, however this time. It is about wrestling.. well not just wrestling, as you’ll see later on. However, this column is all about the art of selling yourself. Say you’re new to a workplace, or it’s your first day at school, and you want to let people know, just who you are. I will give you advice on how to do just that.. after the opening of course.

Cue the opening

Now then, where was I? Ah yes, your first day. It can be nervous. Strange people, strange atmosphere, strange.. everything. You don’t want to make a fool of yourself from the word GO!, as that could very much reflect badly during your time there. How you act on that first day, will determine how everyone else sees you from that day forth. With that said.. I shall give you, various ways of approaching the first day, so you know, which way is right for you.

LESSON ONE: Acting cool

Everybody wants to be cool. It’s just nature. Nobody wants to be the one picked on. But I can hear you asking.. how do I be cool? Well, first off.. it might help to have yourself a cool car. A cool car can help portray that cool image you’re looking for. However, a cool car isn’t the only thing you’ll need. You also to dress cool. Arriving for your first day, in a cool car, dressed in a cool way, will give people the image that you are in fact, cool. But, the most important thing, is how you portray yourself. You can dress cool, and have cool cars, but if you behave in an uncool manner, then people will laugh at you for pretending to be cool. So remember, act cool.

When you turn up for that first day in a cool car, in the coolest car, and the coolest attitude. Then everyone will recognize that you are indeed cool, and if they don’t? Well, you can always spit food in their face.

LESSON TWO: Someone of foreign descent

Ah, you’ve come from another country, and you want to begin life anew in a new world so to speak. However, people will look down upon you for being different than what they are, for not speaking the same language as them, even for not participating in the same customs as the locals. However, don’t be afraid to be yourself. There are some people out there who welcome people of a different country or lifestyle. So, be you from France, Ireland, Japan, the Mean Streets of Greenwich, France, the Middle East, Prison, the Mean Streets of Greenwich, or Germany. Feel free to express yourself, sure some people won’t like you at first, but sooner than later, you will find people who will except you for who you are. Except if you’re Mexican, then you’ll be chased back to your own country. It’s what the rich do to Mexicans.

LESSON THREE: Acting like a freak

Hey, there are some people out there that actually want to be a freak. They think that if they behave like a freak, then people will at least pay attention to them. However, not all freaks are noticed. Some freaks become so big of a freak, that they become so insignificant, they end up living their lives in some deep dark sewer away from all life. I don’t want to see that happening to anyone, so, if you want to act like a freak, here’s what you need to do, to be a freak people actually notice. Firstly, get yourself a wig. Not just any wig though, something striking, like a long haired gold or silver wig. Second, paint your face the same colour as your wig. We want things to match, mixing colours doesn’t work for a true freak. Thirdly, dress yourself matching the colours you chose for your face and wig. It will help add to the ‘weird’ or ‘bizarre’ aspect a good freak looks for. Finally, pretend to be from somewhere extravagant like Hollywood. Adding a location where the bizarre could in fact roam, will be the cherry on top of your freak persona, and it will hopefully, provide enough freakiness, that everyone accepts you as ‘the freak’.

LESSON FOUR: The British

This could fit into section two. Acting British calls for a bit of pompousness about yourself, as that describes a stereotypical British person, and sometimes, if you are British, and trying to fit into another society, don’t pretend to be a person from that society, it just doesn’t work. Although, acting British can have it’s downsides, for instance.. if you cannot pull off a British accent, just make it as pompous as you can. Sooner than later, you’ll end up committing acts of a sexual nature with the boss’ daughter and running the business in no time.

There you are, those are just some of the ways you could portray yourself on that first day, so with those tips, and this one about how to act like a fan of country music, or this one about how to act like you’re pissed off at everything. You can kiss those first day nerves goodbye, and go into whatever it is, with the utmost confidence..

Can I see that really bad pompous British accent again?



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