The War On … Real-Time (iMPACT-style)By ThatDamnDoubleC · · 1 Comment
This is my unexpected return to the BWF family, due to taking time off from my usual Wednesday column. I didn’t plan this, but the usual iMPACT Goddess is away, and other difficulties means, I, will be taking over duties for one-night only. This does mean I won’t be returning on Wednesdays just yet.
Cue the Kotter. Join me at the top of the hour.
Welcome to the show they call iMPACT, even though it doesn’t even make an impression. I am the one they call ‘Your Legend Killer’, filling in for Drow. It’s time to Cross The Line!!
No opening, just a promo video for Abyss/Foley, followed by the Monster entering the ring with his friends from home. His friends are thumbtacks. Abyss must be lonely. However, his loneliness doesn’t seem to affect him however, as he challenges Foley to a Monster’s Ball match at Bound For Glory. Enter the Dude.
Cactus enters the ring, and starts talking, before Abyss gets all angry in his face. Mankind called him a cheap knock-off last week. Abyss is a cheap knock-off, of Kane. The mask, the hair. That is Kane. The one in WWE isnt who he says he is. Abyss says he’s Hardcore, and Foley isn’t. Now Foley’s the cheap knock-off, because he’s only half the man he used to be. Technically, he used to be four people, so wouldnt be only be one-quarter of what he once was? Anyways, Foley’s bringing his A Game, whereas Abyss can’t use thumbtacks. Miccles makes Dr. Stevie as referee for the Monster’s Ball. Enter the Richards.
Stevie enters with Daffney (somewhere THE GT is at the very least drooling). Abyss’ mother didn’t love him. Enter the Lauren. Abyss’ apparent girlfriend, or as Stevie says, his ‘twenty dollar a-night street walker’. Daffney low blows Abyss, after he tries to attack Stevie, and between the two former ECW wrestlers, they team up to take out the Monster, until the Blueprint enters to save the day.
To the back, with JB!! He’s with Eric Young. He declares victory against the Main Event Mafia. I declare somebody kill Eric Young. Hernandez isn’t your brother Eric, look at him, he’s Latino, and he’s a different skin colour. Unless your mother sleeps around Mr. Young, then somehow I don’t think he’s your brother.
We return … to the back, with JB!! He’s with Kurt Angle. The World Elite declare they are the biggest force in TNA now. Angle declares a 30,00 hit on EY. You suck, EY! Your gonna die.
MATCH#1: TNA LEGENDS CHAMPIONSHIP
Kevin Nash (c) vs. Hernandez
Peer Pressure? I thought that was only a teenage thing, you’d hear in high school. Enter the Diesel. He shares a birthday with two very famous people. One, is myself. The other? OJ. Yes, Big Sexy, myself, and OJ Simpson.
Kev gains the early advantage, until Hernandez greets Nash to the ring post on the outside, then the barricade. Hernandez starting to dominate his slow opponent, until EY comes down, and takes out Hernandez with a Piledriver. Apparently, Nash owes EY. Probably with an a$$-kicking, but he owes him none-the-less.
Abyss and Matt Morgan look at each other with that awkwardness you get when you are face to face with the girl you’ve liked for so long. They aint gonna be besties. Abyss has no friends. What does Lauren see in him? He wears a mask, and has no friends.
Look, it’s Eric Young, and Kevin Nash. Eric wants to give Nash 60K to help him take out Hernandez. It’s now a triple threat between Young, Hernandez and Nash for the Legends Title at BFG. Hernandez fakes a neck injury, then speaks gibberish on the mic.
MATCH#2: TNA X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP
Samoa Joe (c) vs. Amazing Red
Earl Hebner does NOT have a Hitler moustache. Red gets in about two kicks worth of offence, before Samoa Joe eats him like he’s the appetizer. The man who stole Springsteen’s gimmick comes out, and distracts Joe, allowing Red to attack from behind. Joe doesn’t like it when his food plays with him, so he tenderizes it some more. Then he wants to eat Lashley as well. Black Lesnar drills Joe, meanwhile Red is doooown. But Red is up, and with a 450, and a Flip pin later …
YOUR WINNER AND NEW X-DIVISION CHAMPION: Amazing Red
So the skinny guy takes the title, and Joe is left hungry. That’s not good for who Joe sees next. they’re about to lose an arm. At least.
We’re back, and Lauren interviews Amazing Red, which is actually Samoa Joe. Told you Joe would eat him. Joe screams at Lashley.
Daniels and Suicide vs. Homicide and ‘Pope’ D’Angelo Dinero
Daniels and Suicide, were once the same person. Strangely enough, so were Homicide and the Pope. Dinero beats down Suicide. I haven’t seen any offence by Suicide yet. Which isnt ironic, because Suicide normally leads to death and non-movement, which would mean, technically, if someone was to commit sexual acts with Suicide, they would be committing an act of Necrophilia. Daniels gets the tag, and finally gives his team offence, until Homicide, breaks up a pin attempt. However, Homicide thinks that Spanish announcer Willie Urbina is a better opponent, than Daniels or Suicide, and starts attacking him. Homicide then screws Daniels out of the match, and gives the victory for Dinero.
YOUR WINNERS: D’Angelo Dinero and Homicide
To the back, with JB!! Kurt Angle and Kevin Nash backstage, wondering why EY is still standing. Nash said it was because he offered more money, then wondered why Kurt didnt offer triple. Angle’s off to talk to Foley.
This picture is 100% not doctored. Here’s the article.
We’re back, with Mike Tenay, Steiner/Booker, British Invasion, Team 3D and BEER MONEY!!!! These four will compete in a Ladder match, to determine the TNA and IWGP Tag Team champions. Booker T does his best impersonation of a monkey. Storm says he’s SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAMN LUCK!, which leads to an all-in brawl. Team 3D want wood. Me and James Storm have the same hat, not the exact same hat, but hats that look exactly the same. Roode lays Book on the table, then climbs the ladder. Sharmell gets in the way, and Rob Terry knocks Roode off. Team 3D take out Rob Terry, then Steiner and Booker send Brother Devon through the table. MEM hold the gold, and the Invasion don’t like that. Then the MEM brawl with the British Invasion and the Invasion hold all the gold.
COMMERCIAL: One of my favourite songs ever!
We return, to Velvet and Madison Rayne. Someone JT is drooling, and another commercial? WTF??
Beautiful People (Velvet Sky/Madison Rayne), Alyssa Flash and Traci Brooks vs. TNA KnockOuts Tag Team Champions (Taylor Wilde/Sarita), Christy Hemme and Hamada.
JT, THE GT, and Myself are all rather happy right about now. Just ask them. Nobody loves the Herpes or Hamada. I don’t understand Hamada, but who in their right wrong would want Herpes?
I only just found out this is an elimination match, when Christy got pinned and eliminated. Taylor Wilde’s face and sternum is driven hard into the canvas? No comment. Hamada and Alyssa Flash are brawling outside, and both get counted out. This leaves Taylor and Sarita, against the Beautiful People and Traci. Velvet Sky eliminates Taylor Wilde with a DDT, which leaves Sarita on her own. But Sarita pins Traci, and she gone! One on two, Sarita versus the Beautiful People. Ironically, it will be Taylor and Sarita putting the titles on the line against the Beautiful People. Velvet Sky gets pinned in a Small Package, leaving it one-on-one.
If Shawn Michaels can’t come back from 3-on-1, then why can Sarita. Alyssa Flash returns to distract the referee, as Lacey Von Erich takes out Sarita, for the easy victory for Madison Rayne.
YOUR WINNER: Madison Rayne
Lacey is taller than JB. To the back, in Foley’s office. Angle and Miccles. Angle doesn’t want games. Foley wants games. Scrabble? Monopoly perhaps? How about Pictionary? Burny Burny Cock Cock? No! No Ludo for the Dude, as Foley doesn’ t want games. King Kurt likes that attitude. The Stinger will join us after … yep, you guessed it.
Abyss and Matt Morgan want pain, as Abyss acts likes a school girl, then chants Mick over and over again off-screen, whilst panting. Foley was laying with Abyss’ barbed-wire bat.
Enter Sting. He’s not out here to perform ‘Message In A Bottle’, nor is he accompained by the Police to sing ‘Every Breath You Take’. He’s here to cut a promo on AJ Styles. Sting suffers from Spontaneous Combustion? Then let him explode in the middle of this promo. If Sting doesn’t meet his expectations, then that’s it. He gone.
Enter the Angle? Mr. 90 degrees has something to say. He thinks this show should be ‘the View’ instead. If that’s the case, then who would win? Barbara Walters or Kurt Angle? Neither of them would do the J-O-B? Kurt Angle’s gonna stay in the middle of the ring, until he gets a title shot. Is that gonna be during the matches as well? To Be The Man, You Gotta Beat … Kurt Angle? Thta’s not how it goes. Angle has his facts misconstrued. Kurt calls Sting a has-been, and tells him to retire. Both men get in each other’s face, and that awkwardness of love comes again, until security comes. However, this isnt love, as Kurt wants Sting to tap to the Shamrock Ankle Lock. Enter the Styles to save the day. Kurt wants a title shot, next week, on the three-hour iMPACT! AJ agrees. Kurt/Styles for the Title, next week.
We’re back, in the back, with Lauren, with AJ, who wants to prove his worthyness.
TNA KNOCKOUTS TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
Taylor Wilde/Sarita (c) vs. Beautiful People (Velvet Sky/Madison Rayne)
TNA LEGENDS CHAMPIONSHIP
Kevin Nash (c) vs. Hernandez vs. Eric Young
#1 CONTENDER FOR X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP
D’Angelo Dinero vs. Suicide vs. Homicide vs. Daniels
TNA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS/IWGP TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
Main Event Mafia (Scott Steiner/Booker T) (TNA tag) vs. British Invasion (Doug Williams/Brutus Magnus) (IWGP Champs) vs. Team 3D (Brother Ray/Brother Devon) vs. Beer Money Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode)
Mick Foley vs. Abyss
Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan
TNA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
AJ Styles (c) vs. Sting
Samoa Joe is off somewhere. probably to commercial.
Enter the MotorCity Machine Guns. They’re doing things Machine Guns style. Their music made Consequences Creed throw up last week. They’re here to debut their new video. As it’s playing, Samoa Joe comes to eat the MotorCity boys, then heads to the ring to call out Lashley, so he can eat him too. Enter the Springsteen. Joe confronts the Boss, and off they brawl. Hellloooooo, Spanish Announce Table. Run Hugo Run!!!! TNA playing a card out of the WWE playbook, as Joe heads up the scaffold, through a Kurt Angle trading card, and puts Lashley through the Spanish table.
We return, with Lashley recovering, then go again …
We return again, with several replays of the Spanish Announce Table disintegrate under the weight of Lashley and Joe. Bobby Lashley is dead. He won’t be missed.
MATCH#5: TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPIONSHIP
ODB (c) vs. Tara
This is the first match in god-knows how long on this show, I had to scroll up, just to see what number match it was. Just think JT, you could be dating the Champion right now.
Women’s matches don’t interest me much. Whether they’re KnockOuts or Divas. Even if Tara is the Triple H of TNA, according to her merchandise. However, it’s Awesome Kong with the Sledgehammer, and she threatens to eat So Cal Val, unless she is given the spider. Kong to play Spider Croquet, but Tara won’t let her, which allows ODB to get the fall.
YOUR WINNER: ODB
Kurt, Miccles and Foley’s invisible friend are ready.
Mick Foley w/Dr. Stevie w/Daffney and Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan and Abyss
The referee throws out Stevie and Daffney even before Angle’s music plays.
Foley wants none of Abyss, and tags in Angle. Abyss eats Barbed Wire bat, and now Foley wants in. Abyss tries to gain advantage, but Foley stops that, and tags back in Angle. AngleSlam countered by Abyss. Morgan gets the tag, and takes on Angle, until Foley comes in. All four in now, until Abyss clotheslines Angle to the outside. Foley with the sock, no says Abyss as he uses the bat, Morgan with the Carbon Footprint, and that’s a quick Main Event.
YOUR WINNERS: Matt Morgan and Abyss
That’s all for iMPACT this week .. or is it?
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