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Ah, SmackDown.  I didn’t think I’d be reviewing this show anymore, but it just keeps coming back to me.  Truth be told, I love covering the blue brand – Josh Matthews makes stupid faces, Matt Striker makes cool comments, and I don’t really have to wait for the show to come on to do my review.  Yes folks, it’s 8AM on Friday, March 5th, and I’m here to review WWE Friday Night SmackDown!

Episode 550:  “Painful Promises”

We kick off with a video package detailing the recent history of Edge and Chris Jericho – complete with “All Nightmare Long” reference.  Wonder why I’m an Edge-head?  Metallica references in a promo helps.

Do you really want to cross the line? No, not really.  Anybody else want to?

The pyro lights off, and this bootleg copy of SmackDown looks almost as good as watching it live on MyTV.  Edge will take on The Big Show later tonight, but first…

You think you know me…

Edge is still in his street clothes and he’s got something to say.  Last week, he beat The Big Show’s tag team partner, The Miz.  He says he’s concerned.  He’s concerned about Chris Jericho.  Jericho keeps telling him that he’s a dangerous man, the best in the world at what he does, that he’ll hurt him and beat him at WrestleMania.  But the same thing keeps happening over and over again.  Jericho keeps getting speared.  The same thing will keep happening up until WrestleMania, and again at WrestleMania.  Spear, spear, spear, spear, spear, spear (I’d better stop before Google thinks I’m keyword stuffing…).

Well, It’s the Big Show!

Show’s in his wrestling gear.  He puts his belts over his shoulder, and Edge says that it’s a depressing surprise.  What brings Show to SmackDown?  Oh that’s right, Miz got speared last week.  Oh yeah, and Show’s got a match with Edge tonight, and he’s gonna get speared.  Show says Edge isn’t the only reason he’s here.  Tonight, ShoMiz will find out who they’re facing at WrestleMania.  Last week, Edge got lucky, but tonight his luck will run out, because he’s in there with the largest athlete in the world.  Edge asks if Show is going to eat him.  Show says he eats pieces of crap like Edge for breakfast, and tonight, he’ll knock Edge out.  Edge asks if Show said he eats pieces of crap for breakfast – because that explains a lot (halitosis!).  Edge says tonight, he’s going to spear Show.  He feigns doing it and Show drops his title belts.  Edge taunts a little more, and Show charges, but Edge ducks and pulls down the top rope, sending The Big Show crashing to the floor.

Backstage, Teddy Long is checking out Shawn Michaels’ new DVD when Drew McIntyre comes in.  A lot of people are under the impression that he lost his first match to Kane last week, and asks if Long would set the record straight.  Long says that by order of Mr. McMahon, McIntyre’s loss last week has been expunged, and therefore, McIntyre is still undefeated.  Long then says that Kane has still qualified for Money In The Bank, and McIntyre can qualify if he beats Matt Hardy, and that match is next.  McIntyre tries to shake Long’s hand, but the GM just walks away.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

WrestleMania XXVI: 23 Days Away!

The Money In The Bank briefcase hangs over the ring, and the WWE Intercontinental Champion, Drew McIntyre, makes his awesome entrance.  Last week on SmackDown, Kane won a match against McIntyre, but he didn’t defeat him, apparently.  Matt Hardy makes his way to the ring with his NXT rookie, Justin Gabriel, and we’re set for action.

Matt Hardy def. Drew McIntyre to qualify for the Money In The Bank Ladder Match

Hardy hits a couple of lazy hiptosses in the early going.  Like the kind of hiptosses that fat guys do.  Of course, we are talking about Fatt Lardy here.  McIntyre turns the tables on the outside, but Hardy makes it back in before the 10 count.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

McIntyre is still in control when we come back, but Fatt Lardy lazily tries to fight back.  For what it’s worth, I don’t have an issue with Hardy.  He’s just lost a ton of steam since he lost the ECW Championship and feuded with Jeff, and almost seems like his passion is gone when I watch him in the ring.  Anyways, Matt blocks a superplex attempt, sending McIntyre crashing down to the canvas.  He drops an elbow and goes for the Twist of Fate, but McIntyre turns it around into a FutureShock attempt, but Hardy gets out.  Hardy winds up managing to roll up McIntyre and pick up the three count, delivering McIntyre what could, I suppose, be called his first loss.  Matt Hardy is going to WrestleMania!

McIntyre flips out after the match, and demands that Matt Striker tell us that he swears he’ll be at WrestleMania.  If he really wants to compete at WrestleMania, why doesn’t he just issue an open challenge for his Intercontinental Championship?

Backstage, Jesse – whatever he’s going by these days – shows off his abs to John Morrison.  R-Truth comes in with David Otunga, and he complains that Dolph Ziggler beat them last week.  Later tonight, they’ve got a chance at going to WrestleMania, but they’ve got to be on the same page.  Truth has some ideas for their new team.  “This and That,” “Two Times One,”  Morrison suggests “Black Magic and the White Shadow,”  Truth responds with “Rock and Rap,”  then comes up with a name they can both agree on – the Unified Tag Team Champions.  Morrison says that’s what’s up!

Tonight: Rey Mysterio goes one on one with Luke Gallows.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

WWE Smack!  Of the Night: Rey Mysterio costs CM Punk his chance at three-peating the Money In The Bank Ladder Match.

Ain’t no stoppin’ me now!

And his opponent…

I am perfection…

This match is such an afterthought that they’re babbling about Extreme Rules tickets going on sale tomorrow.

Shelton Benjamin def. Dolph Ziggler

This match kicks off with Benjamin upstaging Ziggler at every turn.  Mr. Ziggles finally turns the tide, and starts stomping Shelton, as Matt Striker makes a Barry Horowitz reference on commentary.  And people wonder why I’m a Matt Striker fan.  Ziggler tries to wear down the Gold Standard with a combination of submissions, strikes, and takedowns.  Benjamin uses his speed to his advantage, nailing the Dragon Whip before striking his way back into this match.  Benjamin hits a Northern Lights Suplex for a two, and Ziggler manages to lock the Sleeper in on Shelsqo.  Benjamin escapes, Ziggler goes for the ZigZag, but it’s blocked, and Benjamin nails Paydirt for the victory.

Still to come: Edge vs. The Big Show

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Promo: Shawn Michaels – My Journey is out on DVD this Tuesday.  I want it.  I might buy it.  Maybe I’ll buy it at the official BWF Store.

Still to come: John Morrison and R-Truth team up to take on Cryme Tyme and The Hart Dynasty to determine the number one contenders for the Unified Tag Team Championships

Jimmy Wang Yang still works here?  He’s Ezekiel Jackson’s first victim – and Jackson is out with black trunks and without the ECW Championship, surprisingly.

Ezekiel Jackson def. Jimmy Wang Yang

Picture a match between Ezekiel Jackson and Jimmy Wang Yang.  Yeah, that would be what I just watched.  Jackson with the Book of Ezekiel (the apparent new name for the Uranage) for the victory.

Backstage: Rey Mysterio gives his daughter a Rey Mysterio Entrance Greats figure, and thanks Tiffany for looking after her backstage.  Please don’t let this lead to a storyline.  Please please please.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

The Straight Edge Society make their way to the ring, and of course much to my delight, we get another sermon from the pulpit of CM Punk.  He says that Mysterio’s popularity stems from parents inability to be proper role models for their children.  The children love Rey Mysterio.  They fill the arenas, buy the masks, tune in every Friday night to cheer on their superhero.  They do it subconsciously to fill the void their neglectful parents have left them.  Mysterio is the furthest thing from a superhero.  Hell, he’s just the average neglectful parent.  These people cheered his act of cowardice last week, because they’re all cowards like he is.  The Superhero won’t approach Punk face to face, and he’s stripped him of his right to be the three time Straight Edge Money In The Bank winner.  Mysterio put his hands on Luke Gallows last week, unprovoked, and Gallows has felt guilty all week.  Punk forgives him because it wasn’t his fault, but tonight, he should make Mysterio pay for his actions.  He’s not just fighting for himself, or for Punk, but for an entire society.

Booyakah, booyakah – whatever that means

Mysterio makes his way out, and we’re set for action!

Rey Mysterio vs. Luke Gallows

Gallows starts off on the offense, using his power to his advantage.  Mysterio battles back, using his speed, but Gallows drops him on his head as Punk’s NXT rookie, Darren Young, is watching from backstage.  Gallows dominates early on, beating Mysterio down and not allowing him any room to get his speed going.  Mysterio manages to get the separation he needs, dumping Gallows to the outside, and us to a…

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Gallows resumes his offense as we return, utilizing the ring as a weapon.  Mysterio tries to build momentum, but it’s killed dead every time.  Gallows picks up a two after a splash, then Mysterio manages to lock in a submission hold, but Gallows gets to the ropes.  He gets Gallows in position for the 619 but Serena distracts him.  Punk distracts Mysterio from the other side, but Mysterio manages to reverse a powerbomb into a seated senton to pick up the victory.

After the match, Punk goes for the Go 2 Sleep, but Mysterio wiggles free and kicks Punk in the back of the leg before bailing to the back.

Backstage: Chris Jericho is trying to talk to The Big Show, who doesn’t really wanna hear it.  He tells Show to annihilate Edge, saying he owes it to him.  Show says he doesn’t owe Jericho anything.  He’s doing this for himself, not for Jericho.  They’re not even partners anymore.  Jericho smiles as Show leaves.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Promo: The Undertaker and Shawn Michaels’ recent history, set to Johnny Cash’s version of “Ain’t No Grave (Gonna Hold Me Down).”  I said it Monday, and I’ll say it again, I love the music selection for the promos for this match.

RAW REBOUND: DX lost their Unified Tag Team Championship rematch, thanks to a distraction from The Undertaker

Now listen – this ain’t no make believe…

John Morrison is out first for his team in this Triple Threat match to determine the number one contenders for the Unified Tag Team Championships at WrestleMania.

What’s up – stand up and stay what’s up…

R-Truth got into a fight with David Otunga this past Tuesday after Darren Young beat Otunga thanks to CM Punk.

The Hart Dynasty are out next for this match.  We can probably guess that they won’t win, since they’ve been perennial jobbers on SmackDown as of late, despite the built in storyline with Uncle Bret over on RAW.

Yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo….

John Morrison and R-Truth def. The Hart Dynasty and Cryme Tyme to become the number one contenders for the Unified Tag Team Championships

Matt Striker makes a bunch of rap references when speaking of Cryme Tyme, and Todd Grisham calls The Big Show “The Big Shoe” on accident.  I can’t stand triple threat tag team matches – there’s way too much going on.  Luckily with these six guys, it’s at least a lot of entertaining stuff going on.  In the end, Truth hits the Lie Detector on Kidd to pick up the victory.

JoMo and R-Truth breakdance in celebration.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Team LayCool are bragging to Vickie Guerrero about winning the Women’s Championship last week.  They present Vickie a “Simply Flawless” tank top.  Beth Phoenix shows up, and she asks Vickie when she’s getting her title shot.  Vickie is enamored by her new tank top.  She says Phoenix isn’t the most dominant Diva on SmackDown – Vickie is.  She’ll only get her title shot if Vickie says so, and she’d better not cross Guerrero – just ask Mickie James.

We get a rundown of the WrestleMania card.

Well, it’s The Big Show…

It’s main event time on Friday Night Smackdown, and one half of the Unified Tag Team Champions makes his way to the ring.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

You think you know me…

The Rated R Superstar heads to the ring, and Tony Chimel’s voice cracks with excitement as he announces him.

Edge def. The Big Show

Big Show dominates the early going, but Edge manages to escape without taking too much damage.  Show controls the pace, and doesn’t let Edge build up any momentum.  Show goes for a Vaderbomb/elbow combination, but Edge rolls out of the way.  He nails a big boot on the Big Show, then dropkicks the leg out from under a charging Big Show, sending the giant crashing into the turnbuckle.  Show tosses Edge aside, and signals for a chokeslam, but Edge DDTs his way out of it.  The Rated R Superstar backs into a corner, and allows Show to return to his feet, then nails the spear, picking up the victory!

Chris Jericho runs out from the crowd (in his wrestling gear, for some reason) and tries to nail Edge with the World Heavyweight Championship, but Edge ducks, and nails the champ with another Spear – Spear! Spear! Spear! Spear!  Jericho backs up the ramp with his tail between his legs, but his World Title in is hand.

Another great show, and the one-upsmanship of Jericho by Edge continues.  See you Monday for RAW!

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