Well, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? I haven’t reviewed a WWE show in weeks. Hell, I didn’t review anything at all for the past couple of weeks. I’ve just been burnt out, guys, and for that I apologize. In any event, I’m here now, parked in front of the TV and ready for SmackDown – so let’s go!
We kick things off with a recap of SmackDown getting absolutely raped (for lack of a better word) in the Draft from Monday night.
The SmackDown intro has been updated to feature some of the new talent acquired in the 2010 Draft.
Tony Chimel introduces Teddy Long, who comes out to the stage and talks about the Draft. Somehow, he thinks SmackDown got the better end of it. He introduces us to one of SmackDown’s newest Superstars, Kofi Kingston! His opponent, despite now being a RAW Superstar, is Chris Jericho, apparently because Kofi nailed Jericho with Trouble in Paradise on Monday. Jericho says that he told us he’d become the face of SmackDown, and he has. He took this show to a different level and provided some of the greatest matches ever, but his work here is done, and it’s time for him to go on and become the face of RAW. He doesn’t want us to fret, because he knows we’ll be sad and we’ll miss him, and there will be an empty hole in our lives every Friday night from now on. It’s time for us to move on with our lives. It’s time for us to grow up. Kofi snatches the microphone and tells Jericho to shut up. If he can’t do that, or won’t, or doesn’t know how, then Kofi will help him out, with a “boom, boom, boom!”
Kofi Kingston def. Chris Jericho
The match starts, but we’re not very far in when we head to…
Back from break, and Jericho boots Kofi out of the ring, then taunts the fans. When Kingston gets back in, Jericho maintains the offense. Kofi finally turns the tide, using his quickness, but when he goes for the Boom Drop, Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho. Kofi rolls Jericho up and nabs a two count, then Jericho finally manages to cinch in the Walls. Kingston scratches and claws his way to the ropes, and when Jericho stops to argue with the ref, he catches a dropkick from Kingston. Kingston goes for the Boom Drop again, but Jericho escapes again, this time nailing the Codebreaker, which sends Kingston recoiling to the outside. Jericho rolls Kofi back into the ring but only manages a two count. Jericho puts the boots to Kingston, but then runs straight into a Trouble In Paradise out of nowhere – Kofi Kingston wins!
The World Heavyweight Champion, Jack Swagger, is backstage. He introduces himself and talks about being invited to the White House by “the greatest President in our country’s history,” George W. Bush. Way to get cheap heat there, Jack.
Chris Jericho is holding his jaw backstage. He complains to somebody that they should’ve helped him. Hell, this person should’ve stayed on RAW to help him. Is this person even listening to Jericho? Jericho then gets laid out with a right hand. Big Show says “yeah, I heard you.”
Chavo Guerrero is in the ring, and he announces that he’s back on SmackDown. He’s no longer under the thumb of the RAW guest hosts. Think of the possibilities! There are two Guerreros on SmackDown! Let’s all put our hands together and welcome back Chavo Guerrero….
The Big Red Monster, Kane, makes his way to the ring. He must be bored again. Chavo tries to talk his way out of an ass kicking, but then he eats a chokeslam from Kane. Kane says “welcome back, Chavo,” before setting off his pyro and taking off.
The new SmackDown vs. old SmackDown trend continues, as the departing John Morrison takes on the incoming Cody Rhodes, NEXT!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK> (I’m in Buffalo – why am I seeing ads for a RAW house show in Erie, PA?)
Shad Gaspard is standing by. The new faces from RAW, they think it’s their time. They’re wrong, though. It’s Shad’s time.
Now listen, this ain’t no make believe…
John Morrison makes everything all slow motiony for the last time on Friday Night SmackDown – he’ll be a RAW Superstar next Monday. His opponent should still be injured from WrestleMania. So much for consistency with injury times. Cody Rhodes makes his way to the ring, and his video wall still has the Legacy logo on it.
Cody Rhodes def. John Morrison
It’s a back and forth matchup in the early going, with Rhodes taking over just before we go to a…
Rhodes has Morrison locked in a submission hold when we come back, but Morrison escapes. Rhodes his a phenomenal dropkick to keep Morrison down. It’s all Rhodes for a while, as he works over the Monday Night Delight. Cody nails a beautiful moonsault from the top rope, and starts throwing fists. Morrison finally starts battling back. Morrison nails the Flying Chuck, but only scores a two count. Rhodes goes for the Cross Rhodes, but Morrison escapes. Morrison goes for Starship Pain, but Rhodes moves out of the way. Rhodes hits an Alabama Slam (Matt Striker: “That’s Hardcore!”) for a two count. Morrison hits a running knee to the face of Rhodes, and Rhodes manages to get the ropes at two. Rhodes goes for CrossRhodes again, but Morrison nails a Pele kick. Rhodes bounces back and nails CrossRhodes, finally, for the victory!
Jack Swagger introduces himself again, and tells us that as team captain of the Oklahoma Sooners, he led the wrestling team to three consecutive national championships.
Edge is about to give his SmackDown farewell address, NEXT!
WWE Rewind: Edge spears Randy Orton on RAW
You think you know me…
The reason I’m not planning on going to SmackDown in two weeks? Edge is going to RAW. Which means we don’t get to hear Tony Chimel going through puberty saying “Rated R Superstar” every week anymore.
Edge says that unfortunately, he was drafted to RAW. He doesn’t want to go. SmackDown has felt like it’s Edge’s show, his home. The SmackDown fans felt like Edge’s family. We’ve supported him, even though he probably didn’t deserve it. Our support got him back as quick as he did from his injury. So, he wanted to thank us. From the bottom of his heart, he loves us.
Christian, another new member of the SmackDown roster, makes his way out to the ring, and what a history these guys have together. Edge knows why Christian is out here, but before he gets to it, he just has to say, “Edge and Christian!” Before Christian wishes him luck on RAW, he’s got to tell him that he’s his best friend, so he’s wishing him luck on SmackDown. Christian appreciates him saying that. A lot of people remember the history of Edge and Christian. They’ve known each other since 6th grade. They went to high school together, roommates in college, started in wrestling, broke into the WWE, became 7 time WWE tag team champions, together. That means that Christian knows Edge better than anybody. Better than he knows himself. He knows that everything Edge said before Christian came out was a load of crap. Edge wonders where this is coming from. Christian doesn’t think Edge knows how much the fans respect him. He doesn’t respect them back. Edge uses them to get what he wants. Edge is starting to get it – it’s not about him, it’s about Christian. Christian’s had a great career, but Edge is a 9 time World Heavyweight Champion. How many have Christian won? Christian says he hasn’t been a world champion, yet. He’ll get there on his own talent. Christian knows Edge is trying to change the subject, but Christian won’t let him. He tells Edge that he’s a liar. Edge says he’s right. He can’t wait to get off this show. For the last few months, he’s been the puppeteer, and the fans have been his puppets. He’s been making them say “spear” whenever he wants them to – and they did it. Edge is a master psychologist. He’s played the entire world and enjoyed every second of it. Christian says that since he’s come back, the peeps have been asking, everybody’s been asking, when will we see E&C reunite. It dawned on Christian. After all these years, Edge used Christian too. Christian doesn’t want to see Edge and Christian anymore. He’d rather see Edge vs. Christian, right here, right now. Edge takes his jacket off, but stops. He says “no.” Christian says “that’s exactly what I…” but then Edge nails him. Edge sets up in the corner, and goes for a Spear, but Christian boots him, and the former tag team champions brawl. Christian goes for the Killswitch, but Edge escapes. Christian has a better chant than “spear, spear, spear.” “Na-na-na-nah, Na-na-na-nah, hey-hey-hey, goodbye!”
Josh Matthews, that tool, asks Edge if he thinks we’ll ever see a 1 on 1 match between him and Christian. Edge essentially says no. Big Show says it’s too bad we won’t see that. Too bad we won’t see Edge – Big Show either. Show knocks Edge out.
Team LayCool are in the ring, accompanied by Vickie Guerrero. The WWE Women’s Champion, Beth Phoenix, and her tag team partner, Ugh. Kelly Kelly.
Beth Phoenix & Kelly Kelly def. Team LayCool
Ugh. I hate Kelly. I hate Michelle. I hate Layla. Despite the fact that my fellow Western New Yorker Beth Phoenix is in the match, I simply do not care. Vickie interferes in this one, of course. Beth gets the tag, does all the work, and Kelly Kelly picks up the win by hitting her finisher and pinning Layla. Lots of blown spots in that match.
Jack Swagger tells us that as a junior at Perry High School, he turned down numerous scholarships, including Miami, Texas, and USC. I wonder if he can prove that?
Chris Masters talks about viral videos, and for the first time on SmackDown, he bounces his pecs. Joy.
I Am Perfection!
Dolph Ziggler is here, and apparently not in action, because Tony Chimel says “Please Welcome,” not “The following contest blah blah blah.” See, BWF is informative!
Ziggler says he did everybody on SmackDown a favor last Monday, and it’s the proudest moment of his career. He beat up Hornswoggle. Now nobody will ever see that little troll on SmackDown again. Ziggler put him to sleep, and now he’s in Leprechaun heaven. Since when does being put in a sleeper hold kill somebody?
Last Friday, Drew McIntyre curb stomped Matt Hardy on the steel steps. Damn, and I missed it. McIntyre then slammed Hardy’s head against the steps and said he never wants to see him again.
Josh Matthews asks Hardy about his injuries. Hardy says that the injuries took his toll on him physically and psychologically, but he always come back. McIntyre assaults Hardy, and drops him with the Future Shock DDT on the floor. Did I mention that Drew McIntyre is one of my favorite wrestlers? Maybe I will go to SmackDown after all!
JTG is backstage, and he’s he does the usual Cryme Tyme crap. He’s wondering what’s next for himself. He thinks he’d look pretty fly with some gold around his waist. So if SmackDown feels him, they should get at him. Well, that was a completely incoherent promo. Anyways…
Another reason to go to SmackDown in a couple of weeks, CM Punk, his hair, and the Straight Edge Society make their way to the ring. Punk says that last Sunday, everybody thought for sure that Rey Mysterio would defeat him and shave his head bald, but the sobering reality of what happened is that Punk beat Rey, just like he said, and he did it single handedly. Luke Gallows and Serena were unfairly ejected from ringside, yet Punk still beat Mysterio all by himself. He did it because he’s Straight Edge….
MVP interrupts Punk, and he says that he’s back. I mean, he says it in a better way than that, but I couldn’t keep up. Punk tells MVP he was speaking. MVP says that was the problem, and that he needs to shut up. Punk calls himself a savior? MVP’s going to save everybody from having to listen to Punk. MVP remembers when Friday nights were cool, then Punk came around like a wet blanket. MVP can’t make a lot of promises, but he promises that Fridays are going to get hot again. He decks Punk and jumps on Gallows, but the Straight Edge Society turn the tables, until…
Booyakah, booyakah – whatever that means…
Mysterio disposes of Gallows and goes after Punk, but Gallows manages to pull Punk out of the ring.
MVP & Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk & Luke Gallows
This match was made during the break by SmackDown GM Teddy Long. Punk and Gallows take control in the early going, trapping Mysterio in their corner and using frequent tags to their advantage. Mysterio causes some separation, and gets the hot tag to MVP, who takes over on Gallows. He nails the Ballin’ Elbow, but Punk breaks up the count. Mysterio takes down Punk, MVP sets up Gallows for the 619. MVP nails Shelton Benjamin’s his finisher and picks up the win for his team.
As they’re celebrating, Mysterio gets attacked by a man wearing a hood – likely the same person who attacked him at Extreme Rules.
Jack Swagger tells us that he graduated with honors with a 4.0 GPA. As an academic All American, he was invited back to the University of Oklahoma to give the keynote address at the 2010 commencement ceremony.
Jack Swagger is dressed in a suit, and he makes his way to the ring. When he was a young boy, growing up in Perry, OK, he was about two years old, when his father sat him down. The fans boo the hell out of him. Despite his pleas for them to sit down and let him finish, they keep booing him. His father wanted to talk to him man to man, and he said “son, one day you’ll be a world champion.” At 5, he’d completed the first grade and was 6 inches taller than everybody else. He won the NFL Punt Pass and Kick competition at 12, and in the same year, he achieved a boy scout’s highest honor – he was made an eagle scout. When he was 16, he scored 1510 on his SAT. He was admitted early to The University of Oklahoma on a full scholarship. He graduated 3 years later, Magna Cum Laude, the top of the class. He was the premiere collegiate athelete in the country. It was hard work, but he earned it. Since we’re being honest, his favorite achievement, his greatest achievement, his crowning achievement, was winning the World Heavyweight Championship. 30 days ago when he won the title, he sat down with his father. His father told him “son, I told you so.” So now he’s telling everybody that he’s our World Heavyweight Champion, and he will be until he retires. And another thing…
You know it’s the Mack Militant…
Teddy Long thinks we’ve heard enough. I agree. Teddy Long knows what everybody really wants to hear – the introduction of the new number one contender for the World Heavyweight Championship…
WELLLL… Well it’s the Big Show!
The look of horror on Swagger’s face is worth the last five minutes. Show steps in the ring, and Show asks everybody to give Swagger a round of applause. Show says that the doctor said on the day he was born, “Oh my God! Do you see the size of him?” Show is the World’s Largest Athlete, not to take away from Swagger’s accomplishments. They’re valid accomplishments. He went to college, earned a degree, was an eagle scout, and he’s the World Heavyweight Champion. Show thinks he needs to add one thing to his resume. Early retirement — Show decks Swagger with a right hand, knocking him out. SmackDown ends with The Big Show standing over the World Heavyweight Champion.
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