I hear you say.. what the hell are you doing here? You don’t write columns about wrestling. Bugger off to some other website and write about crap no-one cares about. That may be true, however this time. It is about wrestling.. well not just wrestling, as you’ll see later on. However, this column is all about the art of selling yourself. Say you’re new to a workplace, or it’s your first day at school, and you want to let people know, just who you are. I will give you advice on how to do just that.. after the opening of course.
I thought I’d get in before anyone else, and be serious.. if just for a moment. For those who missed, an ESPN program, entitled E:60, documented the life of Scott Hall, and his struggles with alcohol and drugs in his life. I’m sure if you’re a real wrestling fan (even old school guys like me), know about the troubles Scott Hall has had throughout. The following video linked below, is the E:60 presentation. E:60, is a ESPN documentary program, leaving no stone unturned. It’s almost like ESPN’s version of the History Channel so to speak, and their expose on Hall is just one of many stories that have been investigated well, and one of many that is of a more serious nature.
Hello Bored Wrestling Fans! It is I, the one columnist on this site, who doesn’t actually write about wrestling, and had instead to talk about video games. Why? Well, chances are, if you are in fact a Bored Wrestling Fan, you play video games to occupy your time until all your favourite wrestling programmes come on TV. Programmmes like Sunday Night Heat, or that one-time show that USA put on at the end of 1999 called Eve Of Destruction. Anyways, before the video games talk commences, I’d better cue the opening of the show, but before I do that, I need to state the following: The following game reviews contain spoilers. If you don not wish to know what happens in the games reviewed, then don’t read the review. Although, you probably won’t read it anyway, but I’m just saying for the two of you still reading this right now.
The role of Rich Flynn, author of the most popular piece of writing ever to grace boredwrestlingfan.com, will be played this evening by your friendly neighborhood Drowgoddess. Woot! (more…)
Holy crap I am tired… barely slept last night, and now I am going to watch some iMPACT. This is probably the best mindset to hit good ol’ Crash TV in… let’s see what the little promotion that couldn’t served up for us tonight! The only thing I’m privy to remembering is that Karen Angle-Jarrett tells her story about what happened with her and Kurt. And they call wrasslin’ a soap opera….
Tonight’s RAW is a special three hour edition they’re calling Old School RAW! However, before we get to tonight, I want to make a note about next week’s RAW. It’s live in Orlando, FL, and I’m going. But, because I know that you all can’t live without this review (haha… just kidding), I’m going to try to get up a RAW review on Tuesday of next week so that you can still have that. It just won’t be Monday night, because I’ll be exhausted. So yeah.
ONTO TONIGHT’S RAW!
On the list of VIPs tonight, Superfly Snuka, Mean Gene, Cowboy Bob Orton, Ted DiBiase Sr., and I already forgot what the commercial said. Damn, I’m not good at this memory stuff…
Cue the old school entrance with the weird 80s music! Must be Old School Night!! They even gave it a new old-school theme for tonight. That’s pretty cool. I approve, thus far. Very vintage feel. Shutting up now.
Holy crap, annoying siren of doom. Okay. Seriously, onto the RAW review. Holy crap, you can’t hear Cole over the siren. GO SIREN GO!
Jerry says that he’s there because most of his memories are in black and white and he’s excited for the legends. Justin Roberts is in the ring and introduces Mean Gene Okerlund!
Mean Gene says that tonight, RAW is Old School, and he introduces the first WWE Hall of Famer, Cowboy Bob Orton! Mean Gene starts to introduce Bob’s son, but Randy’s not there yet. Mean Gene says that’s good news and asks if Bob thinks that Randy will walk out WWE Champion? Bob says that Randy does what Randy wants to do, get what he wants, and knows how to deal from adversity. Bob remembers being called from school and being told that the teachers were afraid that Randy was going to beat them up. Bob doesn’t care about Cena’s career, and he doesn’t care if Randy gives Cena the RKO after giving it to Barrett. Before he can go on, Barrett comes out, looking rather shocked.
Barrett tells that ‘old man’ to listen carefully: His prediction about Randy’s chances are as phony as his cast. Barrett is going to defeat Randy, and when he does, he’s going to achieve something that Bob never did: Become WWE Champion. Barrett says that he doesn’t owe anything to the old school, and they didn’t pave the way for him: He did it himself. Everything he’s worked for is going to come to fruition this Sunday at Survivor Series. The only reason he didn’t bring Nexus out was because he wanted Bob to see him beat Randy.
AWESOME!
Miz repeats Barrett for a moment. Last week, when Miz told Randy he’d be on his team, he didn’t get a thanks, he just got stared down with those squinty Orton eyes. That was a bad move, and Miz sent a message right back to Randy, changing the landscape of the 10-Man Tag match, just like he can change the entire landscape of the WWE by cashing in his Money in the Bank contract. Maybe he’ll do it when Randy arrives tonight. That’d change things, wouldn’t it? Then, at Survivor Series, he and Randy wouldn’t be able to fight for the WWE title, and Cena would have to stay in the Nexus forever.
Miz is interrupted by Cena on the TitanTron, and says that Miz has the weird gift of ruining everything he touches, but Cena is going to make sure that Miz doesn’t cash in tonight. If he’s going to be free or fired at Survivor Series, he’s not going to put himself on the line for nothing. Miz will cash in nothing, because Cena challenges Miz to a match tonight for nothing. The normal Miz is probably looking to Riley, but if Miz is as “awesome” as he says he is, simply say ‘I accept’. Miz says that he makes the decisions, and accepts the match. Mean Gene then says that The Miz will go up against John Cena tonight. Raw is Old School! Hang onto your hats!
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Dude…. You can see where Randy gets his harsh stare from. Wade’s gonna blow up if he gets both set on him at the same time. #BWF #RAW
@TKeep123 Love Bob Orton still wearing the cast on his wrist….it’s been what…25 years since he broke that arm? #WWE #RAW
@thinksojoe Love the hybrid #RAW set! #BWF
@divadirt Damn, even the guardrails are old school! #WWE
Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler with Vickie Guerrero vs. Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry
Oh, God. I forgot about Mark Henry’s old name. This is killing me inside.
Ziggler starts by hitting Henry’s back for a few times before going for the sleeper hold. Henry throws him out of the ring, and Ziggler looks like he hit his ring already. Ziggler climbs back in the ring to run into a clothesline by Henry. Henry then Whips him across the ring, and he ducks under a clothesline only to attempt another sleeper. Henry backs him into the corner and then puts him on the turnbuckle before slapping him right out of the ring. Henry smiles at Vickie, who backs away, and then hurls Ziggler back into the ring. Ziggler takes out Henry’s knee when Henry gets back in and then covers him in hits. Ziggler goes for a cover, but Henry kicks out at one. A ‘chocolate’ chant is going on, and Henry gets back to his feet, launching Ziggler across the ring. Henry then takes Ziggler down with two clotheslines and a head butt. Ziggler gets an advantage back, but Henry power slams him and goes for a cover, but Ziggler gets his foot on the bottom rope. Henry gets back up and nudges Ziggler. Henry then blows a kiss to Vickie and then goes to droop onto Ziggler, who rolls out of the way. The chocolate chant goes up again, but Ziggler hits the Zig Zag! Henry kicks out at two, and then Ziggler hits it again. Henry kicks out at two again though! Ziggler then attempts the sleeper again, and locks it in as Henry lays on the ring floor. Henry seems to pass out. Good luck carrying him.
Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler wins via submission/pass out.
Backstage, David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd are walking together. Smith says that his dad and Dynamite Kid didn’t see eye to eye, but still managed to get along. Tony Atlas says that they can work it out, and then a bunch of other stuff, talking about how him and his tag partner, Rocky Johnson, if I heard right, took care of business when they had their issues. Tony Atlas keeps going, and oiling up with WD-40, but the Hart Dynasty ran away.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog SEXUAL CHOCOLATE?!
@ThingsColeSays TONY ATLAS IS BACK!!!! AHH HEH HEH HEH AHH HEH HEH HEH
@HitTheRopes The return of Sexual Chocolate. Oh lord, the father of the hand is back. #WWE
We come back to Tony Atlas still going, but this time with Yoshi Tatsu, who is shaking his head, pantomiming suicide. Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater are in the ring.
WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater vs David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd
Smith and Gabriel start out, going to lock up, but Gabriel kicks Smith. Smith then throws Gabriel down, twice, but Gabriel retaliates by starting to lock his head legs around Smith’s head. Smith throws Gabriel down and then beats on him a little bit, Whipping him across the ring. He then hits one, two, three belly-to-belly suplexes into a cover, but Slater breaks it up. Gabriel tags in Slater, who is dropped as soon as he gets in. Smith goes for a cover, but Slater kicks out. Smith then slams into Slater, starting to slam him to the ground, but Gabriel distracts him, getting knocked outside the ring for it. Slater slams into Smith, and then tags in Gabriel. The two take turns slamming into Smith in their corner, then tag Slater back in. Slater goes for a cover, but Smith kicks out. Slater Whips Smith across the ring, and misses the chance to slam into him. Both men crawl to their corners, and Kidd moves instead of tagging in, and then kicks him in the face. Smith lays on the floor as Gabriel goes to the top rope, hitting the 450 Splash.
WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater win via pinfall.
Smith glares at Kidd, who merely laughs back.
Mean Gene is backstage with WWE Champion, Randy Orton, with Cowboy Bob Orton. Mean Gene asks if Randy thinks he’ll walk out WWE Champion. Randy starts to respond, but Truth interrupts. Truth says that he hates to say it, but Cena knew exactly what he was doing when he held his shoulder down for the 123. People like to think that Cena has a choice: Free or Fight. Cena’s not going to fight, but Orton has a choice: Do something or let it happen. Randy says that everyone seems to have it figured out, but there is one way that he can prevent Cena from screwing him over: to punt him in the head tonight.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 I sure hope JR gets at least a cameo. Best would be coming out and knocking Cole out of HIS chair! #WWE #RAW #BWF
@ThingsColeSays Kidd should’ve kicked Smith through the Barbershop window.
@HitTheRopes Did R-Truth get his wardrobe mixed in with The Brooklyn Brawler? #OLDSCHOOLRAW
@Niki_Sushi Randy: Guess I’ll just punt John. No biggie. Truth: Not.. what I meant. Randy: Don’t care. Truth: Shit. #BWF #RAW
@redsandman99 So R-Truth is like the token wise man now?
@kickoutblog Shoulda put him through a window, Tyson!
Mean Gene tells us to remember the Old School Vintage WWE Apparel is selling in WWEShop.com. Cool.
Justin Roberts asks us to welcome the only ring announcer to ever be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, Howard Finkel!
The Fink then tells us that he is going to introduce a man who is revered by many, feared by all: The Brooklyn Brawler with Harvey Wippleman. The Brawler takes the mic and asks if these people respect old school. He expected a standing ovation when he came to the ring, and he expects a standing ovation when his match is over. Wippleman says that the “king of old school” wants to challenge anyone from the new school to a match.
The Brooklyn Brawler vs Ezekiel Jackson
Brawler and Zeke stare at each other, and Brawler shoves Zeke, then tries to lift him. Zeke grabs him by the throat, throws him into the ropes, and then takes him down. The then flings him into the corner, then slams into him. Zeke then plants Brawler and goes for the cover.
Ezekiel Jackson wins via pinfall.
Well. That didn’t take long.
Still to come, John Cena takes on Mister Money in the Bank, The Miz!
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Not running into a brick wall. That’s standing in front of a tank and waving. #BWF #RAW
@RingsideRants Why is Cole saying 2011? Does he not know what year it is?
@FakeGorilla Good to see Harvey Wippleman got his manager’s license renewed.
Nexus is backstage and Otunga says that he was almost excommunicated, but he stepped up. Now, it’s time that one of them step up. R-Truth is becoming a problem, and as the leader- Barrett walks in and says that he’s the leader. Otunga makes a good point though, someone does need to deal with Truth. That is going to be Otunga. Otunga says they’ve had beef since NXT anyway.
“Barrett, David Otunga will not face R-Truth, as Otunga will compete in a special match later on tonight. As for R-Truth, he will be in action tonight against you, Wade Barrett. What a better way to prove to everyone that, despite who the referee is this Sunday, you are truly WWE Championship material.”
THIS ISN’T OLD SCHOOL, COLE! King said the same thing. Ahaha.
Barrett says the GM raises a good point, and Harris says that Barrett knows they have his back. Barrett thanks them, but says it won’t be needed. He’s going to go out there and prove he can beat anyone on the RAW roster on his own, then asks what Cena wants. Cena merely smiles and then steps forward, saying that he wanted to make sure that he had a grasp on his meltdown and a thank you for taking care of the Miz. Barrett says that he wants Nexus to follow Cena to the ring just in case Orton tries to interfere. Cena says if Orton wants some, he can come get some.
<COMMERCIAL>
@FrankWWEClown A laptop? An iPod tone? A wireless microphone?! This is not old school, this is MADNESS!!! #OldSchoolRAW #WWE
@HitTheRopes They didn’t have Internet back then. #wwe
@thinksojoe We got Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry, why can’t we get Word Life John Cena? #RAW #BWF
@kickoutblog If it were TRULY old school, the GM would send messages in AOL’s WWE chat room.
@TKeep123 Will we see KANE with his mask? #WWE #RAW #BWF
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR BAD WIG NIGHT!
John Cena vs Mister Money in the Bank The Miz
Tonight could be the last time we see Cena on RAW! I’d be very sad. And I wonder why Riley’s wearing trunks…
Miz takes the mic and says that Cena always thinks he’s one step ahead of Miz. Cena thinks that if he takes out Miz now, he can’t cash in the Money in the Bank briefcase tonight. If he takes Miz out right now, he has one less thing to worry about Sunday. The GM never officially sanctioned this match, Cena did. Miz says that if the GM doesn’t have a problem with it, Miz can make a substitution. Cole says he hasn’t heard anything, and Miz says that he guesses the GM doesn’t mind. Tonight, he won’t compete against Cena, instead Alex Riley will be. That answers my question. Miz says that Cena wants to face him, but he’ll have to wait until Wrestlemania after he becomes WWE Champion. Because he’s the Miz, and he’s awesome!
John Cena vs Alex Riley
Riley and Cena lock up, and Cena quickly flips Riley on his back. Cena then does it a second time. Cena seems to be screwing with Riley, and they start to lock up, but Cena kicks Riley, then tosses him again. Cena backs Riley into a corner, then runs into Riley’s elbow. Riley distracts the ref and Miz hits Cena. Riley takes advantage and plants Cena before going for a cover, only for Cena to kick out. Cena hits Riley with a low-blow, and then flings Riley across the ring. Cena runs right into the turnbuckle, however, and Riley takes the advantage. He throws Cena into the turnbuckle, and Cena bounces out, hitting some move, but the camera man knows for my love for Miz and was focused on him. Riley goes for a cover, but Cena kicks out. Riley gets Cena on his feet, but Cena throws Riley over his back, ducking a clothesline, hitting shoulder blocks, then planting Riley. Cena then tells Miz that Miz can’t see him, then hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle on Riley. Miz yells at Riley to not get up, and then Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment before locking in the STF, smirking at Miz.
John Cena wins via submission.
Miz gets in the ring, but Randy shoots down the ramp, taking out Orton, and then taking out McGuillicutty and Harris. Orton and Cena are in the ring, staring at one another. The two exchange blows, and then the refs climb in the ring to break them up, trying to pull Orton off Cena. The refs manage to pull them apart, and then a bunch of other guys climb in to make sure that they stay apart. Orton wants to beat the shit out of Cena. The crowd’s telling the guys to let them go.
“It’s obvious that John Cena and Randy Orton have issues they need to work out prior to Survivor Series. Since this is Old school, I can’t think of a better forum than in this very ring with a man who isn’t afraid to ask questions. Cena, Orton, later tonight, you will both be guests on Piper’s Pit.”
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Was Abraham Washington one of the guys breaking them up?
@kickoutblog Johnny Ace just tripped trying to get in the ring… shoulda rode his skateboard.
@ThingsColeSays Is Orton going old school by growing out his hair?
Well, when RAW would be starting, they play the entrance video one more time. Okay then… Wait, did they just restart RAW? Oh, no, they didn’t. I was a little scared.
The Fink is in the ring with Nikolai and the Iron Sheik. He then asks everyone to rise as Nikolai sings the Russian national anthem. We really just need Sheamus, and Sa-… Good for me!
Santino and Vladimir make their way down to the ring together. Santino apologizes for interrupting, and says that his tag team partner would love the honor of singing with him. Vladimir and Nikolai shake hands and then a USA chant starts. Vladimir grins and the two start. Santino even realizes this was a bad idea. He tries not to laugh, and fails, and then interrupts them again. Santino says it was… it was… crushingly terrible. Santino says that there is one song he would like them to hear, and it’s going to blow the roof off this place. It’s the story of his life, and he needs help to sing it. Slick makes his way to the ring.
Sheik starts yelling about Hogan, but no one can hear him over Slick’s theme. Sheik looks like he’s ready to blow a bitch up… Wait, what?
Santino asks Sheik what he thinks about that. Sheik says that without the Iron Sheik, something about Hulkamania, then tells everyone to shut up. Someone cuts off his mic, and then the Usos come out. It’s a cultural cluster fuck. Jesus.
Anyway, a match is next. Goodie.
<COMMERCIAL>
@StrikerSays We need Kurt Angle to come out and defend the honor of his country again.
@kickoutblog The Soviet National Anthem? I guess no one’s had the heart to tell ol’ Nikolai, have they?
@FrankWWEClown Here we go! @the_ironsheik is about to make the @WWEUniverse humble! He put you in the camel clutches!!! F*** the Santino! #OldSchoolRAW
@RingsideXcess LOL at Sheik shooting on Hogan.
Jimmy and Jey Uso with Tamina and Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka vs. Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov for the Number One Contender to the WWE Tag Team Champions
We come back to the Usos already fighting Santino. They tag, but I can’t tell which one’s in. I don’t know the difference between him. Santino gets taken down by Uso 1. Uso 1 tags in Uso 2. Santino flings Uso 2 over and then is rolled all the way over to his own corner, and Vladimir tags in, catching Uso 2 in mid air and flinging him back toward his own corner. Snuka seems a bit unimpressed, to be honest. Vladimir tags in Santino, who is shoved like a battering ram into Uso 2. Santino goes for a cover, but Uso kicks out. Santino tags back in Kozlov, who drops Uso, face-first, onto the turn buckle. Kozlov then picks up Uso and doesn’t see that the other Uso is tagged in. Uso then goes for a cover, only for Kozlov to kick out. Uso then plants Kozlov and goes for another cover. Uso gets Kozlov in a headlock, and Santino screams at Kozlov to ‘come here’. Kozlov fights out, only for Uso to plant him and then tag in the other Uso. Uso then drops into Kozlov and knocks Santino out of the ring. The Usos us3 this time to double team Kozlov. Uso pins Kozlov, but Kozlov kicks out at two. The Usos are thrown into Kozlov, and then go for a cover, but Kozlov kicks out at two. Kozlov stretches for Santino, who is yelling at him to move. Kozlov keeps trying to push Uso off of him, but it doesn’t work . Uso then tries to take out Santino, blocks it. Santino and the other Uso are tagged in, Santino dominates. Santino goes for a cover, but the other Uso goes to break it up, but Kozlov plants him. Santino then hits the Cobra.
Vladimir Kozlov and Santino Marella win via pinfall.
Sheamus then Brogue kicks Kozlov, then the Usos. Santino pleads for mercy, but Sheamus shoves him down. Morrison runs out to the ring and tricks Sheamus into running to the ropes, only to flip him over the top rope. Morrison hits a spinning kick on Sheamus, then takes a mic. Morrison says that he keeps doing this because Sheamus is a bully. One thing he learned about bullies is that when they feel threatened, they turn and walk away. Sheamus keeps looking for fights in all the wrong places. If Sheamus wants to fight, Morrison is right there. Sheamus pulls off his shirt and looks like he’s going to the ring, but Sheamus walks away.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 One of these days….they’ll learn…. FEAR THE COBRA! #WWE #RAW #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@Niki_Sushi I love how the Cobra is considered the Golden Gun of the WWE world. Same with the Orton Punt. #BWF #RAW
@kickoutblog Slick left ringside because he’s afraid of Tamina. Why? Because she is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig woman. #JiveSoulBro
@dasharpshooters: Sheamus came out of nowhere. He must have been camoflauged on the white ropes. #wwe #OldschoolRaw #raw
I can’t take Justin Roberts seriously with that damn hair… I really can’t.
David Otunga vs. Kofi Kingston
As my best friend and I said Smackdown, Kofi looks weird in blue. I got used to him in painful yellow. Anyway, why is it that the Smackdown guys both got the interviews?
Otunga takes a couple hard kicks from Kingston, who seems to find this amusing. Kingston ducks a clothesline and gets Otunga in a headlock. Otunga catches Kingston and drops him on the mat. And then again. And one more time. Otunga then goes for a cover, but Kingston kicks out. My cat started watching right now, by the way. If he’s an Otunga fan, I’ll have to send him to the Chinese place up the street. Anyway, Kingston fights out of the headlock Otunga had him in, and Otunga drops Kingston, going for a cover. Kingston kicks out at one, and Otunga plants his knee in Kingston’s back before Kingston fights to his feet. Kingston gets momentum and fights Otunga into a corner, getting pulled off Otunga by a ref. Kingston hits a hard drop kick on Otunga, and then Kingston plants Otunga, who plants him, in a double clothesline. George “The Animal” Steele makes his way to the ring, and the fans point him to the ring. He climbs into the ring, green tongue out, before he yells about eating. The ref tells him no, and he turns around to bite apart the other turnbuckle. Otunga stands up and looks at him like he needs to go to the asylum down the street, and the ref gets Steele out of the ring. Kingston reminds Otunga he’s in a match by planting Otunga into the exposed turnbuckle and hits the Trouble in Paradise.
Kofi Kingston wins via pinfall.
Morrison is backstage with Arn Anderson and Jerry Briscoe. Morrison says that he’s sick of Sheamus and shows some examples before Sheamus puts his boot in Morrison’s face. Sheamus says that he accepts Morrison’s challenge for a match at Survivor Series.
@TKeep123 OMG!!!!! George THE ANIMAL STEELE….GREEN tongue and all! What a wonderful man! #WWE #RAW #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@StrikerSays I just LOLed at that big boot.
@Niki_Sushi This is truly the night of bad wigs. #BWF #RAW
@redsandman99 *snickers* I like JoMo but I won’t lie. I laughed when Sheamus kicked him
Aksana is walking with the Million Dollar Title backstage and Hacksaw Jim Duggan says that Aksana’s mom is over there and she’s been stealing his bit. Aksana says that she’s lost weight, and Dusty Rhodes says that he isn’t her momma. A net drops on her and Goldust takes the belt back. He then returns it to The Million Dollar Man, who walks up with IRS. Ted Jr. walks up and Ted Sr. gives it back to him. Ted says that there’s something else he wants that isn’t a hand me down. Cody shows up and says that that was far from Dashing. Goldust says that they should go over there and give him some of his grooming tips. Cody tells Goldust not to breathe on him, and walks away. Goldust tells Cody to help a brother out. Tatanka, Kelly Kelly, Ted Sr., IRS, Aksana, Dusty Rhodes, and Jim Duggan all dance. Ron Simmons sums this up perfectly.
“Damn.”
Later to come, Randy Orton and John Cena meet up on the Piper’s Pit.
Eve and R-Truth make their way to the ring for Truth’s match with Wade Barrett, next.
<COMMERCIAL>
@StrikerSays I often wonder if Ted DiBiase, Sr. even did The Laugh after punishing his sons.
@KeepItFiveStar Is “I will beat you with shovel” Aksana’s new catchphrase?
My heart hurts when Truth raps this new entrance, but it dies a little when Eve dances to it.
R-Truth with Eve vs. Wade Barrett
I hope Barrett pulls a Hannibal Lector and eats Truth’s face… Even though that would be nasty, and not PG at all.
Barrett and Truth circle one another before Barrett puts his foot in Truth’s stomach. Truth smacks Barrett before kicking him, and Barrett hurls Truth across the ring, but Truth does his fancy foot shit and avoids getting his ass kicked. Truth then clotheslines Barrett over the top rope. Truth then flips over the top rope and takes Barrett out. Truth then throws Barrett back into the room, nearly pulling his trunks down, and Truth goes to the top rope, jumping over Barrett who goes to knock him down. Barrett plants Truth, then holds him against the ropes. Barrett then suplexes Truth, who kicks out. Barrett then kicks Truth and drags him to a corner, who hits an elbow drop on Truth. Truth kicks out of Barrett’s cover at two. Barrett then plants Truth with a back breaker and goes for a cover, only for Truth to kick out. Both Orton and Cena are watching this match. Truth goes to steal a cover, but Barrett kicks out and beats Truth for it. Barrett gets Truth in a headlock, but Truth fights out, only to get Barrett’s knee in his stomach. Barrett runs into Truth’s face, and Truth takes the momentum with some hard clotheslines. Truth counters some kind of attempt at something, but Barrett kicks out of the cover. Truth drops Barrett on his stomach and goes for a cover, but Barrett kicks out. Truth misses an axe kick, and Barrett gets Truth up, but Truth fights to his feet. Barrett plants his foot in Truth’s face and then hits Wasteland.
Wade Barrett wins via pinfall.
Coming up: Orton and Cena are on Piper’s Pit.
<COMMERCIAL>
@C00kieCrumz: I hope Wade Barrett kills R-Truth. #wwe
@TKeep123 OK, EVE IS HOT and getting darker every week, but damn….. she really can’t dance to that rap. #WWE #RAW #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@RingsideRants Eve’s dancing is so awesome, but not in a good way. In more of a, “wow this is terrible” kind of way.
@KeepItFiveStar Right time for you to SHUT UP!
@HitTheRopes Thank you very much, Wade. #wwe
And the entrance is played one more time! That siren is only cool because it drowns Cole out. King then strangles Cole a little, just for fun.
Ricardo starts to introduce Alberto del Rio, but is interrupted by Tito Santana, who introduces him instead. Chavo Classic is driving Alberto’s car. Sounds like an insult.
Alberto takes the mic and thanks Tito and Chavo Classic, then says that is name is Alberto del Rio, but we already knew that. He calls the Americans fat!! Thank you, Spanish class! And he tells us all that. He says he’s in the heart of the nation, a heart that will soon be stuffed by cholesterol and obesity. Anyway, he knows we’re here to celebrate the Old School. He thinks the old legends should follow Tito and Chavo and pay respect to him.
Sgt. Slaughter comes out to show him respect. Yeah, right. Slaughter scares me. Anyway, Slaughter tells Rio to shut his hole and listen up. There are two things you don’t mess with: legends and America. Rio wants respect? How about he earns it by facing Slaughter right here, right now, you scum, you slime, you maggot. A USA chant starts up as Rio laughs. Rio says something, but I haven’t got that far in Spanish. He then says to bring a referee right now.
Alberto del Rio vs Sgt. Slaughter
Rio beats Slaughter to his knees, and Rio mockingly salutes before Whipping Slaughter. Slaughter then gets him a hold, but Rio makes it to the ropes. Rio then elbows Slaughter in the neck, and hits a hard clothesline. Slaughter kicks out of the cover at two, and Rio puts him in a headlock. A Slaughter chant breaks out. Slaughter fights to his feet, but takes a hard kick to the thigh. Slaughter ducks a clothesline, and locks in a hold, but del Rio gets out of it, flipping Slaughter over and throwing him into the corner before kicking him in the back of the head.
Alberto del Rio wins via pinfall.
Rio kicks Slaughter and locks in his armbar. Slaughter taps, but del Rio doesn’t let up. MVP, however, chases del Rio out of the ring. Rio winks at MVP as MVP helps Slaughter to his feet.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar MVP? Did the RAW flight get stuck overseas again?
@kickoutblog Why wouldn’t Mysterio make the save there?
@HitTheRopes With his bald head and the black and green on, Sgt. Slaughter looks like a turtle. #wwe #raw
@TKeep123 Sgt. Slaughter out to check Alberto del Rio’s GREEN CARD! “Shut your hole, you puke!” #WWE #RAW #OldSchoolRaw #BWF
@redsandman99 Ariba bitch!
@Lunna1969 Ricardo just got his spot light jacked! #BWF #WWE #RAW
@seraphalexiel 😀 Spanish Announcers are always win. Always
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Wrestlemania XXVII tickets are on sale!>
Mean Gene introduces WWE Hall of Famer Mae Young. Mae comes out with none other than the Bellas. Mean Gene says that she has quite a storied past in the WWE, some even say she was the very first Diva. Mae says that she’s 87. That’s all I caught. Mean Gene says that there are so many unforgettable moments in her career.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Mae Young>
LayCool interrupts Mean Gene and Mae Young. Michelle says they’re a little confused? Is this Old School RAW or Jurassic Park? They ask how it feels to know that they have a Championship when she’ll never have one. LayCool makes an adult diaper joke and tells the Bellas to change her. Mae says she wants a match with those sluts, with no disqualification, and then calls them bitches. LayCool begin laughing and run away from Mae. LayCool says they want to make it a falls count anywhere. Then they tell the guys to ring the bell.
LayCool vs Mae Young in a No DQ Falls Count Anywhere Match
Divas come out to join her. Natalya, Eve, Melina, and Gail chase LayCool down and proceed to beat LayCool up. Layla then gets a hard slap by Mae before getting a clothesline by Natalya. The Divas then put one of Mae’s feet on Layla, and the ref counts it.
Mae Young wins via pinfall.
<COMMERCIAL>
@dasharpshooters Mae Young just called Laycool sluts and bitches. HARDCORE LIKE A MUTHAFUCKA. #wwe #Oldschoolraw TV-14
@kickoutblog Who would’ve thought Mae Young on a mic was more dangerous than The Iron Sheik?
@KeepItFiveStar Mae Young is breakin down the PG barriers!
@HitTheRopes I guess they forgot to tell Mae Young they were PG. LOL. “These two sluts…” #wwe
@ThingsColeSays LOL King marking the fuck out!
@redsandman99 I’m absolutely dying here. Sluts, bitches…Mae Young with a live mic is awesome.
@TKeep123 Mae Young slapping the taste out of Layla’s flawless mouth! ..and the PIN! YES! #WWE #Raw #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
The Fink asks us to welcome the special guest commentator for this match: JR! I marked the hell out. I LOVE JR!!!! He and Lawler are my favorite commentators. Shut the fuck up Cole.
United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Jack Swagger
Bryan and Swagger lock up, and Swagger keeps his hands on Bryan. Bryan manages to fight out, only to deliver a hard kick to Swagger. Cole pretends to doze off, and Swagger gets Bryan on his back. They both try to lock in their own submissions, and Bryan manages to fight out of Swagger’s set up, grazing Swagger’s head with a kick. JR and Lawler continue to ignore Cole. Swagger has his hands around Bryan’s waist and holds on tight. Bryan avoids some this by Swagger, who runs face first into Bryan’s feet. Bryan goes for a cover, and Swagger kicks out. Bryan keeps kicking Swagger hard. Bryan climbs up the ropes to avoid getting beat, and Swagger kicks him out of the ring.
<COMMERCIAL>
@StrikerSays JR just keeps shutting Cole DOWN with slobberknockers of ignoring.
@KeepItFiveStar I love how Jim Ross is just no selling Michael Cole
@TKeep123 JR dissing Michael Cole…. My night is complete! #WWE #Raw #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@divadirt OMG! JR & King reunion. Someone mute Cole’s mic please. #WWE
@kickoutblog MOTHER.FUCK.YES.JR!
@ThingsColeSays First JR, now Daniel Bryan. LOL. Cole is gonna kill himself!
@HitTheRopes And there is @JRsBBQ and all is right with Raw. #wwe
@JCenadotcom Who’s hoping that Cole gets a beating courtesy of good ole’ JR [and King]?
It made me smile to come back to JR’s voice. Swagger has Bryan around the waist and Swagger plants Bryan, going for a cover before Bryan kicks out. Bryan shakes it off and then is grabbed around the head by Swagger. Swagger and Bryan roll around the ring for a little bit before Swagger climbs back into the ring. Swagger walks right into a kick by Bryan, and then gets knocked out of the ring. Bryan plants his feet in Swagger’s face, then proceeds to keep kicking swagger. Swagger locks in the ankle lock, but Bryan gets out of it. Swagger then avoids getting kicked in the face again. Swagger jumps off the second rope and onto Bryan, going for a cover, but Bryan kicks out at two. King tells Cole to shut the hell up. Swagger then jumps off the second rope again to land on Bryan. Swagger grabs Bryan around the waist and attempts the Gut Wrench, but Bryan fights it, going to attempt the LaBell, but Swagger hits the backbreaker. Swagger attempts another Gut Wrench, but Bryan kicks Swagger in the face again. This time, for the win.
Daniel Bryan wins via pinfall.
Ted DiBiase runs into the ring and proceeds to beat the hell out of Bryan, then hits the Dream Street. Ted then takes the United States Championship and climbs in the ring. He holds it up, and then Maryse makes her way down to him. JR says his goodbyes, and I cry on the inside.
At Survivor Series, Edge and Kane will face off for the World Heavyweight Championship! The traditional match is Team Mysterio vs Team del Rio. Mysterio, Show, Masters, MVP, Kofi vs del Rio, Reks, Swagger, and someone else I missed. Sorry. Sheamus and Morrison are going head to head too! Then, there’s going to be Randy Orton vs Wade Barrett for the WWE Championship, where Cena will be freed or fired.
JR smacks Cole with his hat and gives kids high fives and what not as he heads out. Love that man.
Up next, Cena and Orton are going to meet up in Piper’s Pit.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog JR hitting Michael Cole with his hat should be added to the Raw intro video.
@Niki_Sushi Jerry just legit pointed and laughed at Cole. My night has been made three times already. #BWF #RAW
@bethsharae Beat the crap out of him JR! #Raw
@TKeep123 Ted Dibiase apparently jealous of Daniel Bryan’s beard… #WWE #Raw #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@ThingsColeSays Ahahahahahahahaah, now Cole said “belt.” He’s fucking losing it! This is awesome!
@seraphalexiel SLOBBERKNOCKER! And…. this was the best RAW moment in a long time
@redsandman99 Nothing says shut the fuck up like a bitchslap with a cowboy hat.
We welcome the legends back out to the stage, and they all line up. Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, Cowboy Bob Orton, IRS, Tito Santana, Sgt. Slaughter, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, The Brooklyn Brawler, Chavo Classic (who mentioned Eddie), Mean Gene Okerlund, Howard Finkel, Mae Young, Jerry Brisco, Ted DiBiase Sr., Slick, Tatanka, Tony Atlas, Arn Anderson, Ron Simmons, Dusty Rhodes, George “The Animal” Steele, JR!, The Iron Sheik, and Nikolai Volkoff.
Now, we welcome the other legend, Rowdy Roddy Piper, who’s looking a little older than he did at the Madison Square Garden RAW he guest hosted last year.
Rowdy says that we’re gonna make some history. Old school isn’t about nostalgia, it’s about a time when you had to man up, when you had to stand up to the plate, like when Captain Lou was being honored with an award and Piper hit him with a record. When he hit Snuka in the head with a coconut. It was a time when you had a problem, and you did something about it. His first guest is John Cena.
BRRRRRRRRRR WE LOVE JR!
Roddy says that he’s a fan of Cena’s, and he’s a helluva man. Roddy has to tell him that he has been competing over 30 years, and he’s never been the WWE Champion. It does eat at him a little bit. Many many other legends have never been the WWE Champion. And if Cena’s gonna do what Roddy thinks he’s gonna do, and he’s gonna give that SOB Wade Barrett the WWE Championship without him deserving it, then what Cena’s doing is spitting in the face of all those legends that he says he respects. Roddy’s askin him not to spit in his face, Cena. Cena’s been a man ever since he walked in. Consequences be damned, do the right thing. For weeks Cena’s had to hear free or fired, free from Nexus or fired from the WWE. At times, he doesn’t know what the right thing is. It’s not that easy. From the moment Cena got here, he’s worked as hard as he can. So, when guys like Piper look at the WWE, they look at Cena, and say they could have hung with them. He’s got a lot of respect, and he looked up to them as a kid. He’s been thinking about it a lot, but after all the work he’s done, he’s not going to give the WWE Championship up. Everybody wants to know the decision: If Randy Orton wins at Survivor Series, he earns it. If Wade Barrett wins, then he earns it. Cena’s calling the match down the middle. Barrett interrupts and says well said Cena. Barrett agrees 100%, just call it down the middle. HE proved tonight that he can beat anyone on the RAW roster without Cena’s help. They were magnificent words, but that’s the problem; They’re just words. They both know there’s a reality in place here. The reality is this: if Barrett doesn’t get his hand raised, if he doesn’t win the WWE Title, Cena’s finished, it’s all over. Piper puts a hand over Barrett’s mic and tells him to shut up. He says that if Barrett lets Cena give him that WWE Championship – then spits at Barrett for not look in at him – at the end of the day, he may have the WWE Championship, but he won’t be a champion, he’ll be a joke. Barrett asks who Piper is to cast judgment on him. One way or another, this is Cena’s final night on RAW as Nexus. It may be Cena’s final RAW ever. Sunday, Barrett either sets him free or fires him. If this is indeed his final RAW, he wants to do something he should have done weeks ago, and he’s disappointed that it’s taken this long. He tells Cena to put on the Nexus shirt. Barrett says that if Cena doesn’t put it on now, Cena’s fired on the spot. Cena changes shirts. Man still looks good in black. Cena says he hopes that Barrett’s happy. Barrett’s his boss until Sunday. When that match is over, win or lose, Cena’s going to turn Barrett’s face to mush. Barrett says that he’s heard all those threats, and Nexus may be banned from ringside, but the moment he becomes WWE Champion, they will hit the ring and neutralize any threat from Cena. Barrett has Cena in his back pocket.
Holy God long wall of text is done, but RAW isn’t.
I hear voices in my head…
Orton merely glances at Cena before looking at Barrett, then back at Cena. Orton says ever since Cena counted 123 on him last week, all he’s thought about is putting an end to this by kicking him in the skull. Cena says that he’s right there. Orton says that he’s thought of a better option. He could take Cena out, or. Orton then takes Barrett down and ducks a clothesline before hitting a scoop slam. Cena and Piper stand in the corners as Orton pounds on the mat. Cena moves between Orton and Barrett, and then drops a foot on Barrett’s head before RKO’ing Cena. Orton sets up for a punt, but Orton goes for the punt and misses. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on Orton. Cena holds his head, and Barrett climbs back in the ring, grinning pretty happily. He walks up to Cena, who scowls at him, and then tells Cena to raise his arm. Cena lifts Barrett up and hits him with an Attitude Adjustment too. Piper raises Cena’s hand on the ramp.
Well, interesting episode, but not much of a build up for Survivor Series…
Next week, I’ll be at RAW in Orlando, so the RAW review may be up on Tuesday. That’s my plan! I’ll see you all next week!!
This is my unexpected return to the BWF family, due to taking time off from my usual Wednesday column. I didn’t plan this, but the usual iMPACT Goddess is away, and other difficulties means, I, will be taking over duties for one-night only. This does mean I won’t be returning on Wednesdays just yet.
Welcome to the show they call iMPACT, even though it doesn’t even make an impression. I am the one they call ‘Your Legend Killer’, filling in for Drow. It’s time to Cross The Line!!
No opening, just a promo video for Abyss/Foley, followed by the Monster entering the ring with his friends from home. His friends are thumbtacks. Abyss must be lonely. However, his loneliness doesn’t seem to affect him however, as he challenges Foley to a Monster’s Ball match at Bound For Glory. Enter the Dude.
Cactus enters the ring, and starts talking, before Abyss gets all angry in his face. Mankind called him a cheap knock-off last week. Abyss is a cheap knock-off, of Kane. The mask, the hair. That is Kane. The one in WWE isnt who he says he is. Abyss says he’s Hardcore, and Foley isn’t. Now Foley’s the cheap knock-off, because he’s only half the man he used to be. Technically, he used to be four people, so wouldnt be only be one-quarter of what he once was? Anyways, Foley’s bringing his A Game, whereas Abyss can’t use thumbtacks. Miccles makes Dr. Stevie as referee for the Monster’s Ball. Enter the Richards.
Stevie enters with Daffney (somewhere THE GT is at the very least drooling). Abyss’ mother didn’t love him. Enter the Lauren. Abyss’ apparent girlfriend, or as Stevie says, his ‘twenty dollar a-night street walker’. Daffney low blows Abyss, after he tries to attack Stevie, and between the two former ECW wrestlers, they team up to take out the Monster, until the Blueprint enters to save the day.
To the back, with JB!! He’s with Eric Young. He declares victory against the Main Event Mafia. I declare somebody kill Eric Young. Hernandez isn’t your brother Eric, look at him, he’s Latino, and he’s a different skin colour. Unless your mother sleeps around Mr. Young, then somehow I don’t think he’s your brother.
We return … to the back, with JB!! He’s with Kurt Angle. The World Elite declare they are the biggest force in TNA now. Angle declares a 30,00 hit on EY. You suck, EY! Your gonna die.
MATCH#1: TNA LEGENDS CHAMPIONSHIP
Kevin Nash (c) vs. Hernandez
Peer Pressure? I thought that was only a teenage thing, you’d hear in high school. Enter the Diesel. He shares a birthday with two very famous people. One, is myself. The other? OJ. Yes, Big Sexy, myself, and OJ Simpson.
Kev gains the early advantage, until Hernandez greets Nash to the ring post on the outside, then the barricade. Hernandez starting to dominate his slow opponent, until EY comes down, and takes out Hernandez with a Piledriver. Apparently, Nash owes EY. Probably with an a$$-kicking, but he owes him none-the-less.
Abyss and Matt Morgan look at each other with that awkwardness you get when you are face to face with the girl you’ve liked for so long. They aint gonna be besties. Abyss has no friends. What does Lauren see in him? He wears a mask, and has no friends.
Look, it’s Eric Young, and Kevin Nash. Eric wants to give Nash 60K to help him take out Hernandez. It’s now a triple threat between Young, Hernandez and Nash for the Legends Title at BFG. Hernandez fakes a neck injury, then speaks gibberish on the mic.
MATCH#2: TNA X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP
Samoa Joe (c) vs. Amazing Red
Earl Hebner does NOT have a Hitler moustache. Red gets in about two kicks worth of offence, before Samoa Joe eats him like he’s the appetizer. The man who stole Springsteen’s gimmick comes out, and distracts Joe, allowing Red to attack from behind. Joe doesn’t like it when his food plays with him, so he tenderizes it some more. Then he wants to eat Lashley as well. Black Lesnar drills Joe, meanwhile Red is doooown. But Red is up, and with a 450, and a Flip pin later …
YOUR WINNER AND NEW X-DIVISION CHAMPION: Amazing Red
So the skinny guy takes the title, and Joe is left hungry. That’s not good for who Joe sees next. they’re about to lose an arm. At least.
We’re back, and Lauren interviews Amazing Red, which is actually Samoa Joe. Told you Joe would eat him. Joe screams at Lashley.
MATCH#3:
Daniels and Suicide vs. Homicide and ‘Pope’ D’Angelo Dinero
Daniels and Suicide, were once the same person. Strangely enough, so were Homicide and the Pope. Dinero beats down Suicide. I haven’t seen any offence by Suicide yet. Which isnt ironic, because Suicide normally leads to death and non-movement, which would mean, technically, if someone was to commit sexual acts with Suicide, they would be committing an act of Necrophilia. Daniels gets the tag, and finally gives his team offence, until Homicide, breaks up a pin attempt. However, Homicide thinks that Spanish announcer Willie Urbina is a better opponent, than Daniels or Suicide, and starts attacking him. Homicide then screws Daniels out of the match, and gives the victory for Dinero.
YOUR WINNERS: D’Angelo Dinero and Homicide
To the back, with JB!! Kurt Angle and Kevin Nash backstage, wondering why EY is still standing. Nash said it was because he offered more money, then wondered why Kurt didnt offer triple. Angle’s off to talk to Foley.
We’re back, with Mike Tenay, Steiner/Booker, British Invasion, Team 3D and BEER MONEY!!!! These four will compete in a Ladder match, to determine the TNA and IWGP Tag Team champions. Booker T does his best impersonation of a monkey. Storm says he’s SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAMN LUCK!, which leads to an all-in brawl. Team 3D want wood. Me and James Storm have the same hat, not the exact same hat, but hats that look exactly the same. Roode lays Book on the table, then climbs the ladder. Sharmell gets in the way, and Rob Terry knocks Roode off. Team 3D take out Rob Terry, then Steiner and Booker send Brother Devon through the table. MEM hold the gold, and the Invasion don’t like that. Then the MEM brawl with the British Invasion and the Invasion hold all the gold.
Beautiful People (Velvet Sky/Madison Rayne), Alyssa Flash and Traci Brooks vs. TNA KnockOuts Tag Team Champions (Taylor Wilde/Sarita), Christy Hemme and Hamada.
JT, THE GT, and Myself are all rather happy right about now. Just ask them. Nobody loves the Herpes or Hamada. I don’t understand Hamada, but who in their right wrong would want Herpes?
I only just found out this is an elimination match, when Christy got pinned and eliminated. Taylor Wilde’s face and sternum is driven hard into the canvas? No comment. Hamada and Alyssa Flash are brawling outside, and both get counted out. This leaves Taylor and Sarita, against the Beautiful People and Traci. Velvet Sky eliminates Taylor Wilde with a DDT, which leaves Sarita on her own. But Sarita pins Traci, and she gone! One on two, Sarita versus the Beautiful People. Ironically, it will be Taylor and Sarita putting the titles on the line against the Beautiful People. Velvet Sky gets pinned in a Small Package, leaving it one-on-one.
If Shawn Michaels can’t come back from 3-on-1, then why can Sarita. Alyssa Flash returns to distract the referee, as Lacey Von Erich takes out Sarita, for the easy victory for Madison Rayne.
YOUR WINNER: Madison Rayne
Lacey is taller than JB. To the back, in Foley’s office. Angle and Miccles. Angle doesn’t want games. Foley wants games. Scrabble? Monopoly perhaps? How about Pictionary? Burny Burny Cock Cock? No! No Ludo for the Dude, as Foley doesn’ t want games. King Kurt likes that attitude. The Stinger will join us after … yep, you guessed it.
Abyss and Matt Morgan want pain, as Abyss acts likes a school girl, then chants Mick over and over again off-screen, whilst panting. Foley was laying with Abyss’ barbed-wire bat.
Enter Sting. He’s not out here to perform ‘Message In A Bottle’, nor is he accompained by the Police to sing ‘Every Breath You Take’. He’s here to cut a promo on AJ Styles. Sting suffers from Spontaneous Combustion? Then let him explode in the middle of this promo. If Sting doesn’t meet his expectations, then that’s it. He gone.
Enter the Angle? Mr. 90 degrees has something to say. He thinks this show should be ‘the View’ instead. If that’s the case, then who would win? Barbara Walters or Kurt Angle? Neither of them would do the J-O-B? Kurt Angle’s gonna stay in the middle of the ring, until he gets a title shot. Is that gonna be during the matches as well? To Be The Man, You Gotta Beat … Kurt Angle? Thta’s not how it goes. Angle has his facts misconstrued. Kurt calls Sting a has-been, and tells him to retire. Both men get in each other’s face, and that awkwardness of love comes again, until security comes. However, this isnt love, as Kurt wants Sting to tap to the Shamrock Ankle Lock. Enter the Styles to save the day. Kurt wants a title shot, next week, on the three-hour iMPACT! AJ agrees. Kurt/Styles for the Title, next week.
Taylor Wilde/Sarita (c) vs. Beautiful People (Velvet Sky/Madison Rayne)
TNA LEGENDS CHAMPIONSHIP
Kevin Nash (c) vs. Hernandez vs. Eric Young
#1 CONTENDER FOR X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP
ULTIMATE X
D’Angelo Dinero vs. Suicide vs. Homicide vs. Daniels
TNA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS/IWGP TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
LADDER MATCH
Main Event Mafia (Scott Steiner/Booker T) (TNA tag) vs. British Invasion (Doug Williams/Brutus Magnus) (IWGP Champs) vs. Team 3D (Brother Ray/Brother Devon) vs. Beer Money Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode)
MONSTER’S BALL
Mick Foley vs. Abyss
Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan
TNA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
AJ Styles (c) vs. Sting
Samoa Joe is off somewhere. probably to commercial.
Enter the MotorCity Machine Guns. They’re doing things Machine Guns style. Their music made Consequences Creed throw up last week. They’re here to debut their new video. As it’s playing, Samoa Joe comes to eat the MotorCity boys, then heads to the ring to call out Lashley, so he can eat him too. Enter the Springsteen. Joe confronts the Boss, and off they brawl. Hellloooooo, Spanish Announce Table. Run Hugo Run!!!! TNA playing a card out of the WWE playbook, as Joe heads up the scaffold, through a Kurt Angle trading card, and puts Lashley through the Spanish table.
We return again, with several replays of the Spanish Announce Table disintegrate under the weight of Lashley and Joe. Bobby Lashley is dead. He won’t be missed.
MATCH#5: TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPIONSHIP
ODB (c) vs. Tara
This is the first match in god-knows how long on this show, I had to scroll up, just to see what number match it was. Just think JT, you could be dating the Champion right now.
Women’s matches don’t interest me much. Whether they’re KnockOuts or Divas. Even if Tara is the Triple H of TNA, according to her merchandise. However, it’s Awesome Kong with the Sledgehammer, and she threatens to eat So Cal Val, unless she is given the spider. Kong to play Spider Croquet, but Tara won’t let her, which allows ODB to get the fall.
YOUR WINNER: ODB
Kurt, Miccles and Foley’s invisible friend are ready.
Mick Foley w/Dr. Stevie w/Daffney and Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan and Abyss
The referee throws out Stevie and Daffney even before Angle’s music plays.
Foley wants none of Abyss, and tags in Angle. Abyss eats Barbed Wire bat, and now Foley wants in. Abyss tries to gain advantage, but Foley stops that, and tags back in Angle. AngleSlam countered by Abyss. Morgan gets the tag, and takes on Angle, until Foley comes in. All four in now, until Abyss clotheslines Angle to the outside. Foley with the sock, no says Abyss as he uses the bat, Morgan with the Carbon Footprint, and that’s a quick Main Event.
We open with bizarre audio technical difficulties that make it sound as if, in addition to heavy static, everyone in the Front Line locker room has the voice of Invader Zim. The problem is corrected before Brother Ray gets too far into his troop-rallying promo, however. He tells the assemblage of Front Liners that they need to now stand up for themselves, and that the Main Event Mafia represents everything that they don’t want to become. The new revolution is starting tonight, and they need to do it for themselves, for the business, and for the people (the fans, one presumes) who pay their checks. Everyone is pumped and leaves the locker room with victory on the brain!
