Daniel Bryan is WWE Champion. I had to check WWE.com again this morning to make sure that actually happened. It wasn’t a figment of my imagination – for once, a WWE PPV ending didn’t piss off me or my houseguests. All is right with the world… or is it?
I watch RAW very late at night and write a recap. What more do you want? Read on.
Fuck. FUCK. FUCK. I have to watch RAW after that PPV last night? I regretted not ordering Payback last month, and now I really regret it, because it was a far superior show to last night’s Money In The Bank event. I’m happy with the World Championship MITB match. I’m happy with the Divas title match, I’m happy with the Tag Title match, but the rest of last night’s PPV (other than Paul Heyman being the person who did the most damage in the “All-Stars” match last night) can go fuck itself. Oh well, let’s get this over with.
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, then recap the first 30 when I get here (if possible) and then review the rest. There’s usually some craziness involved with this, some things I write don’t actually happen, and Kodos always shows up. Also, I play by my own rules. Screw you, SmackDown review!
I have hope. I have hope that after last night, the WWE is ready to turn the corner and start producing compelling television. CM Punk is back. Rob Van Dam is coming back. They pulled off the elusive double turn with Alberto Del Rio and Dolph Ziggler, which I fully expect them to solidify on tonight’s show. Plus another surprise pops up in the first 30 minutes of this episode, which I’m sure will be exciting for some people. Let’s roll!
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, avoid spoilers like (and from) the plague, and then watch the entire show when I get here. That’s how ThinkSoJoE’s RAW reviews work. Also, I play by my own rules. Screw you, SmackDown review!
Antonio Cesaro puts the W in WWE. Brock takes the W out of WWE.
This week on BWF Radio, Doc Knight of Original Stampede Wrestling returns to BoredWrestlingFan to give us a status update on the promotion, and to answer some frequently asked questions regarding OSW, his health, and other topics as relates to Calgary pro wrestling and pro wrestling in general. Jorge leaves early to see Iron Man 3, and Brian tells him it’s not that great. Rytman wonders whether he’s tuned into a German porn video as things are constantly “shit on.” In the news we hear about Paul London and Dolph Ziggler’s concussions, Jay Briscoe’s anti-gay twitter remarks, and Hulk Hogan’s lawsuits. We also get a status update on Saturday Morning Slam. Don’t miss the reaction when we find out that Michael Cole is going to climb Mt. Whitney with JBL. All this, and much more! Tune in!
BoredWrestlingFan Radio Episode 73 (MP3, 2:22:54)
This week’s break song was “Sin and Bones” by Fozzy. Buy it here.
Just a basic recap this week peep-holes; as the week’s off to a rough start, (family stuff.)
Let’s start with Match results;
JOHN CENA DEF DARRIEN YOUNG (w/”Pancake” Patterson. I will get to that in a minute.)
RYBACK DEF DAVID OTUNGA (Like any other outcome was possible.)
FANDANGO vs GREAT KHALI: NO CONTEST (Not that it would’ve been one anyway.)
R-TRUTH DEF DAMIAN SANDOW BY COUNT OUT
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO DEF PRIMO/EPICO w/Rosa Mendes
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO w/Roberto Rodriguez DEF CODY RHODES
RANDY ORTON/SHEAMUS DEF 3MB (Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal, Drew McIntyre)
DOLPH ZIGGLER w/AJ and Big E. DEF KOFI KINGSTON
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL WADE BARRETT DEF CHRIS JERICHO AND THE MIZ (3 way for the title)
Okay, so let’s talk about the show…
“Pancake” Patterson
“Pancake” fucking Patterson
“PANCAKE” FUCKING PATTERSON
PANCAKE FUCKING PATTERSON!
Seriously
(Sigh) I’m praying this is something Titus actually wanted to do, because if this was any white guy’s idea, and Titus HAS to do it, then we need to shut down WWE, I’m sorry. HOW IN 2013 ARE WE SUPPOSED TO JUSTIFY A BAD FRED SANFORD GIMMICK? The sad thing is, this bit is stupid enough to actually go over, God help us all.
RAW Managing Supervisor Vicki Guerrero and SMACKDOWN Senior Advisor Teddy Long pulled Ryback out of the six-man with Orton/Sheamus against the Shield and booked against Mark Henry. Later in the night, The Shield jumped Orton/Sheamus, and Big Show made the run-in to cement the “face” turn. (Hey, it’s more effort than they put into Miz’s face turn.) So, Big Show is in the six-man, and Ryback gets Henry. My question is why not just book Big Show in the six-man in the first place? For the record, Ryback would’ve been the better choice, as he still has “unfinished business” with the Shield, but since when does WWE care about continuity? I’m thinking this could still turn into an eight-man, Henry and the Shield vs Ryback, Show, Sheamus and Orton.
I gotta admit, Fandango scored some points with me tonight. I dig him with a different Ballroom Dancing girl leading him in every week, I was into the streamers, and the outline of his silhouette from the ceiling. I dig him hitting on every Diva that comes to the ring with his opponents. Kind of stupid, seeing how much I hated “Pancake” Patterson, but with Fandango, there is a small difference. Fandango is still a “mystery.” I actually don’t know if he sucks in the ring yet. There’s still a chance this could pay off. With “Pancake,” I know it’s just a desperate attempt at getting a mid-card guy some heat.
R-Truth getting a count-out over Sandow felt like filler to me. I could live with their “feud” ending here. Neither man has enough momentum to justify a spot on Mania.
Cody had a bit with the Bella Twins and Kaitlyn that I’m hoping brings this “flirtation” angle to an end. It’s going nowhere, and the only logical outcome is a face turn for Cody that he does not need right now.
Side Note: WHY DOES FACIAL HAIR COUNT AS A GIMMICK?
And now the highlight of the night, in the best heel promo in history, C.M. PUNK MOCKS THE UNDERTAKER WITH THE URN OF PAUL BEARER.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkGdq4NOBE8
I have nothing to add, genius.
So apparently, Ziggler is getting a shot at the tag titles w/Big E. as his partner. WWE set this up with AJ skipping out to the ring during Hell No’s match against Mo/Co, Kane and Bryan responded by coming out to challenge Ziggler and Big E. after Dolph’s win over Kofi. AJ demanded they put the tag titles on the line. I feel obligated to point out that Ziggy/Big E. haven’t wrestled as a tag-team in the entire time they’ve been on RAW, and Big E. has yet to wrestle an official match on any show besides NXT, however; one thing I’ve learned in all my years of watching RAW, the meaning of the word futility.
Side Note: Daniel DID get a win over Ziggler on Saturday Morning Slam, so you could argue they’re working a “program,” but you’d be stretching it. (You’d also be someone who cares more than any one else.)
ADR vs Swagger just got personal as Swagger took out Ricardo’s ankle with the “Patriot Act” after Del Rio’s win over Cody. We got a “USA” chant during the match, which might not have been for ADR. I hate to say it, but I did see this coming. I’m guessing a LOT of WWE fans are “Tea-baggers,” and are slowly inching on to Swagger’s bandwagon. Also, Del Rio isn’t working as a baby-face. I’m sorry, but his “champion of the immigrants” routine doesn’t ring true enough. Del Rio really lost a step becoming a face. He’s watered down his personality too much and his “come back from nowhere” approach in the ring is sloppy and awkward. Honestly, I think Del Rio might have to drop the belt and disappear for a while if they want to salvage him.
The last actual match of the night was Wade Barrett getting a badly-needed win over Miz and Jericho. Most people, including me, felt this was a bit anti-climatic as it would’ve made a good addition to the Mania card. I’m thinking if they wanted to, they can revisit that whole “Intercontinental Open,” idea they scrapped so Barrett could feud with Bo Dallas. (Remember that? Neither do they.)
The night ended with the big contract signing between Triple H and Paul Heyman, representing Brock Lesnar. It ended with Trips clearing the ring and brutalizing Heyman before signing the contract. Lesnar came out and pulled Heyman out. Heyman revealed his big surprise stipulations – “No Holds Bared,” and Triple H’s career on the line.
This is where I allow myself to get optimistic (possibly masochistic,) and hope this is secretly Triple H’s retirement match, then I remember his match against the Undertaker a few Wrestlemania cards ago was supposed to be a retirement match.
And we are out…
RYTMAN’S REMARKS: Not bad, not bad at all. This show was a good build-up to Wrestlemania. Still, if you watched it you can see how little fore-thought went into developing an under-card for the show. Stuff is being thrown together and juggled around in a very last-minute manner. We’d better hope the three “big” matches can carry the show, because it doesn’t look like they’ll have a ton of support.
Ahh… Black Friday Night Smackdown. There will be a ton of people not watching, even some that normally would. All six of them. So that just leaves me, the sole viewer of this program to review it for them.
Yep.
We open w/a replay of Foley facing off w/CM Punk, followed by Punk taking a lead pipe to the gut by Cena, the attack on Foley, and the stare down w/Ryback.
Out first is WWE Champion C.M. Punk w/Paul Heyman. Heyman carries the WWE title. Punk calls Cena a coward and accuses Mick Foley of shooting him a disrespectful look and muttering something under his breath, which is why Punk put him down like a dog. Punk asks (rhetorically) if Mick would’ve disrespected Cena, The Rock, or Steve Austin like that. Heyman answers “no” to each one. He did listen to one thing Foley said, about his legacy and facing John Cena in Hell in The Cell, and that’s why he’s here to announce that it still will not happen.
Heyman takes the Mike and moves on to a most relevant piece of business. We see last week when AJ responded to his marriage proposal by slapping him. He points out she never said no, but she did put her hands on him, in direct violation of an edict by the WWE B.O.D. He reads the memo handed down, and demands AJ be removed from office, and replaced with him.
Vicki Guerro comes out w/Dolph Ziggler and reminds us of AJ attacking her 2 months ago, and we get Heyman vs. Vicki on the mike, briefly. Dolph interjects saying this is all AJ’s fault and suggests Heyman and Vicki team-up to take over.
AJ skips out, and informs us all she is on probation. She calls Heyman a “slimy, shady, greasy, creepy as all hell, worm-like excuse for a man,” and mentions she now has a “coach” advising her on running the show.
And Now Daniel Bryan is out. He says he’s just out to apologize for contributing to AJ’s mental state by dumping her. He refers to himself as a handsome, former world champion with “a great beard,” and he is now the Tag Team Champions, plural.
Out comes Kane to remind us AJ Lee is a “phenomenal kisser,” and agrees with Bryan about everything, except for one item. HE is the tag team champions – plural. This breaks down into everyone hollering at each other, until AJ brings it to a halt with a freak out. She reminds us she is still in charge and makes a tag team match, Punk/Ziggler vs. Team Hell No. AJ skips off and we get a promo for a World Heavyweight Championship debate between Big Show and Sheamus. We see Sin Cara and Rey Mysterio heading towards the ring as we go to break.
Side Note: Rey’s mask is designed to look like it’s half his, Half Sin Cara’s. Cara’s mask is half his, half Rey’s.
Nice touch
REY MYSTERIO/SIN CARA DEF PRIMO/EPICO W/ROSA – The masked Mexicans dominate a fast-paced match up while the Prime Time Players look on from the stage. Rey ends it with the 619 and a drop of the dime for the 1-2-3.
We go to break with a reminder of the Sheamus/Big Show debate coming up later.
U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO DEF BRODUS CLAY – This match starts as we come back from break. Cesaro cuts a picture-in-picture promo demanding appreciation in five different languages. Brodus looks strong until he takes a flying back elbow. Cesaro ends it with the neutralizer for the pin.
Backstage: Kaitlin is pulling up her sock over her injured ankle when AJ comes in with her executive coach Christopher J Stevenson. He’s here to evaluate her performance. She makes like she wants to make nice and asks Kaitlin for forgiveness. When Kaitlin smiles at her, AJ bursts into demonic laughter, saying she wasn’t sorry at all, and skips off, leaving CJS and Kaitlin to look confused at each other. We go to break, teasing JR appreciation night.
We come back from break with Zack Ryder in the ring and The Miz coming out. We’re told our social media ambassador for the night will be Larry King.
INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION THE MIZ DEF ZACK RYDER – Ryder actually dominates most of the match, but Miz ends it w/a power-bomb to the corner and the Skull-Crushing-Finale.
We come back from break with Smackdown GM Booker-T making his way to the ring. He introduces the Big Show. As Show comes to the ring, we recap Show giving Randy Orton the WMD on last weeks’ Smackdown. Booker then introduces World Champion Sheamus. Both men make quick opening statements. Booker reads them questions from Twitter. Sheamus keeps reminding Show about losing the World Championship to Daniel Bryan in 45 seconds. Show gets angrier. Show collapses his podium (by accident at first.) Then we go to a Tout from Rey Mysteri-O’Sulivan.
It’s Sheamus in a Mysterio mask.
Yep.
Both men tease a throw-down, but Show just storms off. We get a promo for the main event tag, and we cut to Ryback lumbering towards the ring as we go to break.
RYBACK DEF TENSAI – Michael Cole informs us of Jerry Lawler’s improving condition as the match gets under way. It’s a pretty even trade-off of power moves, but when Ryback attempts to lift Tensai into the Meat Hook, someone botches, twice. Cole and JR try to sell it as a block by Tensai, and Ryback ends this with a hard clothesline.
We go to break with a reminder that tonight is JR appreciation night.
When we come back, we’re introduced to breast cancer survivors and their families in the crowd as part of WWE’s breast cancer awareness month promotion w/the Susan G. Komen foundation.
WWE DIVAS CHAMP EVE DEF BETH PHEONIX – Before the match, we get a recap of Eve trying to suspend Beth, getting called on it by Booker T, and throwing Teddy Long under the bus. Eve cuts a picture-in-picture promo where she hard sells the entire Diva division just a little too earnestly. This was a short back-and-forth match with Eve winning by faking an eye injury, hitting a low kick, and the neck-breaker for the three-count.
Backstage: AJ introduces her coach to Wade Barrett. Wade gives her a tongue-lashing before storming off. AJ says her coach looks intimidated.
We go to break with a promo for the main event.
When we come back, John Bradshaw Layfield gives us a Tout about his successful climb of Mount Kilimanjaro as part of a campaign to raise money for underprivileged children.
SANTINO MORELLA DEF HEATH SLATER (DQ) – Short comedy match ends with Santino hitting the “Cobra” on Slater and Slater’s friends, Drew McIntyre and Jinder Mahal jumping Santino. Drew hits the “Future Shock” DDT on Santino and they shove the Cobra sock in Sandino’s mouth. Each man introduces himself to the crowd. Drew is still “the Chosen One;” Jinder is “the Maharaja,” and Slater is “The One Man Band.”
We go to commercial with a teaser for “JR appreciation night.”
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION SHEAMUS DEF DAMIEN SANDOW W/CODY RHODES – Earlier tonight, we had a backstage segment where Sandow and Rhodes both denied the WWE universe coming up with their name while bashing the debate segment. This was one of the most hard-fought matches on RAW in a long time. Both men were booked strong in this match and some are already considering this MOTY material. Match ends with Sheamus throwing Cody in the ring and hitting the Brogue Kick on both men.
We come back from break, with Cole in the ring re-introducing JR to the crowd. JR comes down from the stage, into the ring. Just as JR starts to speak, C.M. Punk heads out with Paul Heyman. Punk gives JR a big build up as a man who’s earned respect. He asks JR to call him “the best in the world.” JR refuses and gives Punk a dressing down. Punk stomps on JR’s hat and orders him out of the ring. JR is halfway gone when RYBACK steps into view. Ryback brings back JR and Punk decides discretion is the better part of valor and takes a hike.
ALBERTO DEL RIO DEF KOFI KINGSTON – Del Rio rides out in a $150,000 Mazarati, as Ricardo Rodriguez introduces him. We take a look back at last Friday on Smackdown as Randy Orton gets the WMD from Big Show, and gets attacked by Del Rio after the show. Kofi comes down with R-Truth and “little Jimmy,” while RR joins the announce team. Ricardo comes off a little disoriented on commentary. Kofi hits his spots but the match ends with him tapping out to the arm-breaker.
Backstage: AJ and her coach are talking. All seems well until AJ suggests that HE be the special guest ref. AJ says a coach “isn’t worth a damn unless he’s been a player,” and her coach “has never been a player.” She throws him out the building, and smirks like a Cheshire Cat.
Side Note: JR makes a boo-boo as he talks over AJ, suggesting Cole “do the reveal,” and apologizes for “talking when he should’ve been listening,” when they come back. Bryan and Kane make their entrances as we go to break.
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO (BRYAN/KANE) DEF WWE CHAMPION C.M. PUNK (W/PAUL HEYMAN) AND DOLPH ZIGGLER (W/VICKI GUERRO) – We come back with everyone in the ring. AJ makes her way out as “special guest ref,” for the match, and nobody is happy about it. The match itself is a well-paced back and forth tag-team battle, with AJ playing it as a hard-line ref. At one point, Heyman pulls Punk’s foot over the bottom rope to break a three count, and AJ sends him to the back. Vicki protests, and gets sent to the back. Ziggler chases after her, leaving Punk alone to take a choke-slam from Kane for the three-count.
RYTMANS RANT
AJ Lee IS the star of Monday Night RAW, good and bad. The good is AJ has taken this derpy gimmick and RAN with it. She has the intensity and charisma to play this big and it’s worked. The bad is she’s not technically in-ring talent right now, so she’s basically high-jacking the show from the wrestlers.
My problem with this is there’s no point to it. She can’t make herself WWE champion, and she doesn’t seem to care who the champion is, as long as she’s the center of attention. She’s basically playing this as an insane child who sees RAW as her toy box, and if you don’t play “right” she sends you into the cornfield. (Twilight Zone Reference:”It’s a good life.”) To me, this is a waste. AJ is just playing with her “power,” and doesn’t really seem to care about accomplishing anything.
Here’s another thing, WHO THE HELL ARE THE GOOD GUYS AROUND HERE? Going back to AJ, why should I be happy about her sticking it to the heels if she’s just going to turn around and be nasty to the faces? Are Bryan and Kane supposed to be good guys? Why is Bryan still a douche? WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO ROOT FOR?
That’s all for this week boys and girls. I’ll see you next week with another Rytman recap and rant.
Sigh. What can I say? Night of Champions was actually really good. Nobody had a near-death experience on RAW, you would think all is right in the world. But sadly no, see the NHL is locked out. Yes, this is a wrestling site, true. But, man I share the sentiments of many fans who have disdain for both the owners and the players stealing the NHL from us over greed. Terrible. Perhaps Smackdown will lift my spirits? Perhaps some one might show up on the program we haven’t seen in a while? Let’s hop to it, shall we?
(more…)
It seems the last couple of months have been building up to this Monday. Meanwhile back in Smackdown Land, I’m sure most viewers are going into this just waiting for RAW. 
It’s kind of a bit of a joke though, because after next week’s Monday does the three hour tour… they are going to be scrambling for things to do to fill that extra hour. And let’s be frank for a moment here, they are having problems filling two hours. So what are we in store for tonight? A holding pattern? Two hours of vanilla tout videos? Ryback squashing someone? Momma’s being called? The answer to all of these questions is likely, “Yes,” but since it’s backstage dance time, let’s hop to it shall we?
Well, WWE sure went and “TNA’d” RAW this week, giving us a taste of what the future has in store starting July 23rd, officially marking the 1000th RAW and the start of 3 hours of programming (including overrun). I’m on the fence about what I thought of last week’s RAW in consideration of the programs that will continue on tonight’s rendition of Friday Night Smackdown.
And in all fairness, describing a the quality of a program by using “TNA” as an adjective is kind of offensive to the oddly superior program, Impact Wrestling, over the last couple of months. This includes two great PPV’s out of the Orlando promotion (that nobody ordered, and I can’t blame them).
How long will it be before we describe TNA as botching their show as “WWE’ing” it? Enough with the editorial. Let’s just hop to it, shall we?
I bite my lip so often when hearing people mark out for new revelations in computer technology, and the internet. And I'm not even THAT savvy. I suppose I'm an elitist prick... and with that folks, let's get smarky!