Holy crap, has it really been four years? Wow, it hasn’t felt like it. I started this site with the intent of something to kill some time with, and it’s become that. I couldn’t have imagined the site would grow to what it’s become.
I couldn’t have done any of this without the great crew we’ve put together over the years. JT, G, Drow, Justin, Pintnoir, RYTMAN, Legend Killer, and everybody else that had worked here have made every second I’ve spent on maintaining this site worth it.
Of course, all of us here at BoredWrestlingFan wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t for you, our fellow bored wrestling fans. We thank all of you for reading our posts, listening to our podcasts, and sharing in our joy and suffering through all things pro wrestling.
What’s up folks, it’s me, the alpha Bored Wrestling Fan, the founder and creator of this site you’re reading right now (unless, of course, you’re reading this through our RSS feed), ThinkSoJoE. And holy crap, am I surprised by the fact that I’m typing this right now.
Sorry about missing last week’s RAW everyone, but I started work Monday, and then spent the rest of the day at Universal Studios, where I mentally spent most of the day mocking TNA and the signs telling me to go watch it, and then forgot all about TNA in favor of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. BUT! I am here tonight!
There’s a rumor going around that Trish Stratus will be back tonight with Snooki and will team with her and John Morrison to go up against Dolph Ziggler and LayCool! But, is it true? I guess we’ll find out. Not only that, but what else is next on WWE Champion The Miz’s schedule on his way to Wrestlemania? I don’t know that either, so we’ll find out… I hope!
Also. Unrelated. Go vote for Chris Jericho for Dancing With the Stars, alright? You should totally do it. I did.
HOLY CRAP!! IT’S JR!?!?!?!
…. Or not. Fucking Cole.
Cole walks out in a fat suit, something on his leg, something in his mouth, a bottle of JR’s BBQ and a cowboy hat. Last week, Swagger put JR in an ankle lock? Is that what I heard? I kind of want to punch Cole in the head. Josh Matthew looks unbelievably bored. And Cole is hiding in “the Cole Mine”? Whatever. Coward.
It’s time to play the game…
Triple H makes his way down to the ramp, all authority and badass-ery, as usual.
I have to take a moment and say, the WWE cameramen are pretty fucking spectacular at getting some pretty badass shots of the Superstars and Divas. Definitely good at their jobs. Shout out to those guys. Alright, back to the facts now.
Triple H says almost twenty years in this business. It’s a long time. He walks out there and looks at everyone and wonders, could this be the last time he’s in that building? In two weeks, there is the defining moment of his entire career. In two weeks, it’s the defining moment of the Undertaker’s career. Everyone’s talking, there are signs. Nineteen and zero, eighteen and one. Time to end the streak. The whole world is talking about this match. Two icons clashing like never before, the Undertaker, Triple H, no holds barred. He has no idea what this match will take out of him, or how much it will take out of the Undertaker. He knows that neither one of them will ever be the same, he can assure us of that. This is the biggest match he’s ever been in in his life. That Streak of eighteen years is bigger than any championship, maybe all of the championships he’s ever held combined. And ending it will be a career defining moment. Before they go to the ring and tear each other apart, put each other through Hell, Triple H wants Taker to do him a favor: Come there next week, stand in the ring, one week before they collide, Triple H wants to look him in the eye, stand face to face, man to man, and Triple H wants to tell him what is going to happen at Wrestlemania. He is going to look Taker in the eye and tell him he will lose. Triple H will end the Streak. The thing is, when it dies, so does the Undertaker. If Triple H can’t do it, he will die trying. But Deadman, Triple H wants that one last opportunity, to stand face to face with you, like your song says: Ain’t no grave can hold this body down, right? When Triple H ends the Streak, that’s it. It’s done. Undertaker, at Wrestlemania, you go 18 and 1. Undertaker, at Wrestlemania, you will Rest. In. Peace.
Ted says one year ago, he was one of the rising Superstars of the WWE. He competed his first Wrestlemania match against Randy Orton. And this year, he’s just an afterthought. Well, he won’t be an afterthought anymore. He’s making his own opportunity. What if Ted takes out the Cerebral Assassin on live television two weeks before Wrestlemania? Then people will have no choice but to take notice of him, Ted DiBiase.
Ted goes to get in the ring, but Triple H throws him out and stays on him, taking a few hits from Ted . Triple H fights back and hurls Ted right into the steel steps. He throws the top steps off and bounces Ted’s head off the other set. Ted is then thrown into, or flipped into, the guard rail before Triple H grabs a chair. He drives it into Ted’s torso before hitting Ted with it once, twice, three, four times. He loses the chair, then stands over Ted for a moment, then eyes the announce table. Triple H clears the table of the monitors, then grabs Ted, gets him on the announce table. Triple H then makes the slashing motion across his throat and Pedigrees Ted through the announce table.
Tonight, John Cena is going to respond to The Miz’s attack last night, via satellite. And, not only that, but The Miz is going to “Rewrite Miz-tory” and change the face of the WWE.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 Teddy, Teddy, Teddy….. Taking on a #WM27 headliner 2 weeks before the match? Thought your daddy raised you better! #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw
@HitTheRopes Props to Teddy for having more offense against Trips than Sheamus did a few weeks ago. #JobbingIsPriceless
@SuperCoolBerry Oh so Cena “Bringin’ It via Satellite” now……he biting The Rock. Smh
We come back to Monday Night RAW with the new United States Champion, Sheamus in the ring!
United States Champion King Sheamus vs Evan Bourne
Sheamus starts out hard against Bourne and throws him to the ground before stomping away on him, using his knee. Bourne rolls under the bottom rope, but Sheamus grabs him and hits him with some hard forearms, sending Evan between and underneath the ropes again. Sheamus stops on Bourne’s hand, then throws him into the corner, but Bourne ducks a clothesline and kicks Sheamus right in the face. Bourne goes up to the top turnbuckle and misses the Air Bourne. Sheamus gets up and hits a Brogue Kick for the win.
United States Champion King Sheamus wins via pinfall.
Sheamus has a mic and says that he is now our new champion of the United States of America. He is interrupted by my favorite person ohwait.
Daniel Bryan says that one of the great things about this country is everybody gets an opportunity, no matter where they’re from. Bryan says that he wants to invoke his rematch clause at Wrestlemania. Sheamus shrugs, throws the title at Bryan, and then Brogue Kicks him in the face. Right in the face.
Tonight, a Wrestlemania Rewind from Wrestlemania 22, it’s Randy Orton vs Rey Mysterio.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!! (Exit theme version)
@kickoutblog A kick to the face usually counts as a “yes” when someone makes a challenge.
@Whovian_23 You know I’m sure there was someone else in the Orton/Mysterio match at WrestleMania 22… #WWE #RAW #BWF
<WWE Slam of the Week: Last Monday, Randy Orton destroys Mason Ryan, and then punts him in the head.>
Randy’s getting out of his tour bus and Scott Stanford meets him, asking what it’s like for Randy to travel in the gorgeous tour bus. Randy says the bus is great, offers privacy, and lets him bring his family with him on the road. On this very bus is where he witnessed the birth of the New Nexus, and the footage he likes to watch over and over again are the ones where he dismantles the new Nexus one punt at a time. Punk has no one to watch his back, but insists that he’s still sick and twisted. But, Punk has no idea what sick and twisted really is.
Maryse vs Diva’s Champion Eve Torres
Maryse mocks Eve right as they start, and Eve mockingly claps at her, and Maryse says that nobody cares about Eve. Maryse misses a slap, and Eve connects with one. Maryse then tackles Eve and slams her face down on the mat a few times. Maryse then throws Eve into the corner, slapping her before sending her face into the turnbuckle. She digs her knee into Eve’s back , and then misses an attempted hit. Cole interrupts yet again, asking if we can get it over with as Eve hits a cross body on Maryse and misses a cover. Eve then sends Maryse’s face into the turnbuckle and throws Maryse onto the ground, kicking her a few times before hitting a clothesline. Eve then goes to hit the handspring moonsault, but Maryse lifts her knees. Maryse gets Eve up, then Eve counters, hitting something or another, and pins her for the win.
Diva’s Champion Eve Torres wins via pinfall.
Cole keeps talking, and Eve is about to go attack Cole, but the bodyguard keeps her out of the way. Eve obviously wants to attack Cole and nearly slaps him. Cole then starts to climb out of the little glass room, he’s in, and then walks away.
Tonight, The Miz is going to change the face of the WWE by rewriting “Miz-tory”.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Oh My God! After two plus years of just wearing a shirt, Randy Orton is wearing PANTS!
@ThingsColeSays HOLY SHIT….IS HE WEARING PANTS? FIRST TIME IN TWO YEARS!!!!!!!!!
@Whovian_23 Randy Orton wearing clothes on RAW for the first time ever I think. #WWE #RAW #BWF
@kickoutblog Again, WWE would never do something like this during a men’s match.
@CMPunkSays Once again, @MichaelCole attempts to bury an entire division in one fell swoop. #WWE
@KeepItFiveStar LMAO Maryse went in! “Nobody cares! NO BODY CARES ABOUT YOU HERE!” Speak the truth Maryse! Take down Juwanna Man!
@Niki_Sushi Oh, go the hell away, Eve. I’m sick of you. Give the title to someone who shows up more than once every few months. #BWF #RAW
@HitTheRopes I totally forgot Eve was champion… Scratch that, I totally forgot there was a Divas Championship.
@Whovian_23 I get that @MichaelCole is meant to be an unlikeable prick, but it not good for business when a commenter shows no interest in matches. #BWF
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last Friday: The Big Show and Kane win, via DQ, against Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater before the Corre destroy The Big Show and Kane. Probably a bad idea…>
Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater with The Corre vs Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov with Tamina
Wrestlemania this year starts at 7 PM!
Santino and Gabriel start, and Santino gets Gabriel down. He sets up for the Cobra, but catches Slater as he goes to get in, only to eat a very pretty spinning kick from Gabriel. Gabriel goes for the cover, but Santino kicks out. Slater gets tagged in and dominates Santino before putting him in a headlock. Santino battles out of it and throws Slater over him. Santino tries to get to Kozlov, but Slater stops him. Santino gets away from Slater and Slater shoves Santino right into Kozlov. Kozlov gets in and immediately dominates, but Barrett distracts Kozlov. Slater hits something or another on Kozlov and tags in Gabriel, who hits the 450 Splash for the win.
Tag Team Champions Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel win via pinfall.
And now, The Corre attacks Santino and Kozlov.
WEEEEEEEEEELL IT’S A BIG SHOW!
The Big Show and Kane, however, seem pretty pissed off after what happened on Friday and both get into the ring, attacking The Corre and saving Santino and Vladimir. Show hits the knockout punch on Slater before focusing on Jackson. Kane’s focus is on Barrett. Santino checks on Kozlov while Kane and Show give Ezekiel a huge choke slam. Tamina comes over to get her boys as Kane sets the ring on fire. Not literally, of course. Santino and Vladimir thank Show and Kane for their help.
Coming up next, John Cena responds to The Miz’ attacks live via satellite.
<COMMERCIAL>
@FrankWWEClown Somebody has a “One Man Rockband” sign in the front row. Get that girl some help, ASAP. #WWE #RAW
@Niki_Sushi No matter what, no remix will be as amazing as JeriShow. Good try, though. #BWF #RAW
@KeepItFiveStar Damn! Kane hopped on the ropes n shit. Show and Kane are NOT playin!
@HitTheRopes LOL, Cena is pulling a Rock and doing Bringing It Via Satellite #wwe
@HitTheRopes It’s quite obvious after seeing Cena being via satellite: @JohnCena fears @MikeTheMiz
Next Monday night, The Rock will be LIVE on Monday Night RAW!
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last Monday: John Cena vs Alberto Del Rio. Cena gets Rio up, but Brodus Clay interferes. Del Rio pushes Brodus away. The Rock’s theme starts, The Miz comes out in a skull cap. The Miz hits Rock Bottom. Miz attacks Cena viciously, and then wraps it all up with a Skull Crushing Finale into the WWE logo.>
Matthews says that next week, there will be no impersonations. What does John Plan to do next week? Cena says that next week will be epic. Next week, John will be face to face with The Rock. And if they do have a problem, then next week, that problem gets settled. Jerry asks if all the attention focuses on the Rock has taken his focus off the Miz and has he underestimated the Miz? John says he has and that’s why Miz has been able to attack him. He says the fact that he’s sitting at home is proof that Miz deserves to be the WWE Champion. It’s also proof that he claims he can change the face of the WWE. Miz dressing like Rock was one helluva stunt. He’s sure this celebration will be equally creative. He won’t be there tonight, but he’ll be watching. He hopes that tonight, The Miz rewrites history. Because at Wrestlemania, Cena plans on making history.
Cole takes the mic and climbs out of his little room, and says that Cena and the Rock have a lot in common. While they’re coming live via satellite, Cole’s there live in person. Coming up next, he has another worldwide exclusive, Mr. Lawler, something that we’re not gonna wanna miss, next.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog The Rock won’t even make it to WrestleMania after The Miz destroys him next week.
@kickoutblog John Cena wears his wrestling attire at home just in case the kid that mows his lawn starts talking shit.
We come back to Swagger and Cole in the ring together. Wow, this is the most screen time Jack’s gotten since… since… He was a member of the RAW Roster.
Swagger stands in front of Lawler as Cole asks for our attention. Cole says that he’d like to introduce us to the man who will train him for the Main Event at Wrestlemania, Jack Swagger. Last week, we had another worldwide exclusive, when he invited Lawler’s son to tell the world what kind of a gutless fraud Lawler really is. Cole was so touched by the emotional and heartwarming reunion, father and son together again, he wants to revisit it.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last week, Brian Christopher points out that he competed at Wrestlemania before King did, attacks his father, says he’s ashamed of Lawler.>
Cole quotes “ashamed of you”. Brian Christopher was so appreciative last week that Cole let him say what he did last week that he gave Cole a gift. Apparently, Brian Christopher gave him the Lawler Family Photo Album. Cole says that to understand what a person is all about, you have to go back to see the way he was raised. He shows a picture of King’s father. Cole says that he went digging for information and found out that King and his father are nothing but gutless cowards and bullies. People who talk a big game until someone steps up to them and puts them in their place. Cole says he’s going to put Lawler in his place at Wrestlemania. Cole finally realized that King, his mother, his father, and his son have one thing in common: the family is nothing but a bunch of losers. King takes off his headset and Swagger attacks him. However, King attacks back, dodging a kick and then bouncing Swagger’s head off the table. King then chases Cole, who runs right into a clothesline from Swagger. Swagger picks King up and puts him up against Cole’s glass box while Cole continues to insult Lawler’s family. Swagger then puts King in another ankle lock. Then Cole gets him in an ankle lock while Swagger rests his knee on Lawler’s head.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 Swagger smashing King’s face on the glass like he’s trying to use Silly Putty to lift a picture from the Sunday comics! #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw
@TKeep123 More Michael Cole… amazing how low they are going to help sell the Cole-King match. Is this really needed? #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw
TheRealEvilNeo Oh my, @JerryLawler is going to kill @MichaelCole #ThereWillBeBlood #WWE #RAW
@JonHexLives Didn’t Josh Matthews used to wrestle? Why doesn’t he help out? #WWE #RAW #BWF
Cole apologizes, saying that he let his emotions get the best of him, and Lawler kept pushing his buttons and he’s going to try to contain himself for the rest of the night.
Snooki has been all over the internet about how she’s getting in the ring for Wrestlemania!
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last week, Snooki guest stars on RAW, is interrupted by Vickie Guerrero, helps defeat LayCool, and accepts a Wrestlemania match.>
Dolph Ziggler with Vickie Guerrero and LayCool vs John Morrison with Trish Stratus
Morrison and Ziggler lock up, and Morrison starts to fight out, but Ziggler attacks Morrison. Ziggler starts to get Morrison up, but Morrison throws him into the corner. Ziggler kicks at Morrison’s knee and Ziggler goes for a cover, but Morrison kicks out. Ziggler gets right back on Morrison and jumps on him before going for another cover, but kicks out. Ziggler gets Morrison in a side-headlock, but Morrison fights up to his feet and out, only to get a kick to the stomach. Ziggler Whips Morrison, who ducks it, and then hits a clothesline before flipping Ziggler out of the ring. Morrison goes to jump out of the ring at Ziggler, but McCool stands in the way. Trish gets Layla and McCool out of the way, then gets in the ring.
“I am now ordering this match to be a handicapped inter-gender tag team match. John Morrison will team up with Trish Stratus against Dolph Ziggler, LayCool, and Vickie Guerrero.”
Before the announcement is even done, Trish grabs Vickie’s hair, and it takes Dolph, Layla, and Michelle all to get her off.
<COMMERCIAL>
@ThingsColeSays Hahaha. Cole completely forgot, like all of us, that Dolph was World Champion.
@kickoutblog Good God, that Trish Stratus magazine cover is a Photoshop disaster.
Morrison and Ziggler are still in the ring, and Ziggler with another headlock. Morrison fights out again, but Ziggler keeps a hold of his hair, only to eat another kick to the face. Ziggler rolls to his corner and tags in Layla. Trish gets in the ring too, and ducks Layla’s clothesline. Trish hits some hard hits right into Layla’s face, kicking her in the stomach before Whipping her across the ring. Lay kicks her, and Trish flips her into the ring before slapping her chest twice, three times. Trish then Whips Lay, who turns it and Whips Trish into a kick by McCool. Layla tags in McCool, who hits Trish right in the temple with her knee. McCool attacks Trish, and then drops her knee on Trish repeatedly. McCool goes for a cover, but Trish kicks out at one. Trish counters something with something, I missed it, and McCool drags her back to their corner, tagging in Layla. Layla kicks Trish in the stomach before going for a cover, only for Trish to kick out. Layla throws Trish’s face into the mat and shoves her with her foot. Lay then throws her back into the ring, tagging in Vickie. Vickie almost hits something, but Trish manages to tag in Morrison. Ziggler jumps in and eats a clothesline before a couple of kicks. Morrison then bounces his head off the turnbuckle and hits the flash kick. Layla runs around the ring and hurls Trish off the side of the apron, Morrison misses Starship Pain, and Ziggler hits the Zig Zag. Vickie runs in and goes for the cover on Morrison, with some kind of Cougar movement that made me gag.
Vickie Guerrero, Dolph Ziggler, and Lay Cool win via pinfall.
Remind me: Inter-gender rules. Shouldn’t it have been Dolph who pinned him, because he’s a MAN?! Just asking…
Still to come, The Miz is going to rewrite “Miz-tory”.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 Vickie pins JoMo ?? Umm..but in Intergener rules…oh, wait….this is #WWE. Nevermind. #RAW #BWF #mnbw
@kickoutblog Come on @ScottArmstrong_, Vickie wasn’t legally allowed to pin John Morrison. Mixed tag rules! You just screwed Morrison like you did Taker!
@iPrinceRyMoZ: You know your life sucks when you get pinned by Vickie Guererro… #Smh #WWE #RAW
@PricelessRKO JoMo really didnt need that on his record…smh #WWE #RAW #BWF
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Sin Cara Promo…>
BRING ME SIN CARA! Please?
<VIDEO PACKAGE: John Cena, Big Show, Arn Anderson, Randy Orton, Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat, Jerry “The King” Lawler, John Morrison, JR, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Booker T, Harley Race, Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho!, Dusty Rhodes comment on Triple H vs The Undertaker at Wrestlemania.>
I hear voices in my head…
Randy Orton vs Rey Mysterio – Wrestlemania 22 Rewind
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog Okay, NOW I’m excited for Triple H vs. Undertaker. WWE’s hype machine strikes again.
@KeepItFiveStar Wow. All these Superstars did this Taker interview in John Cena’s house
@CMPunkSays I want Sin Cara nowwwwwwwwwww #WWE
@JCenadotcom Sin Cara: the most anticipated debut since forever! Can’t wait!
@Niki_Sushi I SERIOUSLY wanna see Sin Cara! C’mon! #BWF #RAW
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Orton is interviewed earlier, and is it just me, or is Randy going to end up getting a sound guy fired?>
Orton and Rey go to lock up, but Rey wraps his arms around Randy and ducks it. Rey kicks at Randy, Randy kicks back. Randy throws Rey into a corner, Rey takes advantage with some kicks. Randy seems to be forgetting that Rey is small. Randy ducks a kick and Rey eats an uppercut by Orton. Orton then throws Rey right out of the ring, causing him to bounce on the floor outside. Orton climbs out of the ring and throws Rey back into the ring, going for a cover, but Rey kicks out at two. Orton drops his knee on Rey and goes for another cover, but Rey kicks out again. Orton puts Rey in a headlock and Rey fights to his feet before fighting his way out of it, only to get an elbow on his back. Randy throws him into a corner then puts him on the top turnbuckle. Rey fights Orton as Orton gets up and Rey hits the seated senton on Orton, only to get a scoop slam. Orton grabs Rey and pulls him back into the ring, starting to deliver that DDT, but Rey counters and gets Orton in position, but misses the 619, only to get hit with the DDT. Punk, however, interrupts on the TitanTron.
Punk is outside by Randy’s tour bus and says that he doesn’t know what sick and twisted is, but he does know that Orton has a very nice tour bus, and Punk can’t wait to meet his wife. Randy then takes off backstage and runs outside to his bus, starting to get inside, only to get hit by Punk. A woman begins screaming, and Punk tells her to shut up as Punk holds a wrench. Punk says that the voices are probably telling Orton that he shouldn’t have punted Nexus. Ain’t that a kick in the head? He then blows a kiss at Sam, who gets out of the bus and kneels with Randy when Punk walks away.
Up next, The Miz is going to rewrite Miz-tory.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog What’s the matter, Randy? CM Punk just wanted to introduce himself to your wife. He’s just trying to be courteous and nice.
@KeepItFiveStar That was a plan by the selfish Rey Mysterio. He paid CM Punk to distract Orton and flirt with his wife. What a horrible person
@HitTheRopes CM Punk about to show Orton’s wife his “straight edge” #wwe
@KeepItFiveStar Oh Randy, why did you even bring the bus? Don’t you know what happens in these situations?
@ImAMelFo If this was a real WM22 rematch, Kurt Angle’s music should hit any time now… #wwe #raw
@TKeep123 If this were the OLD Days…that Orton Tour BUS would end up wearing a green DX logo! #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw
@redsandman99 Orton don’t think that Punk is sick and twisted? Didn’t he see Punk crashing Mystero’s daughter’s birthday celebration? Or the Manson beard?
@seraphalexiel Randy’s just lucky that Punk didn’t go to his bus and introduce his wife to his sneaky penis
@Whovian_23 So if we believe WWE Randy Orton has had about four different wife’s… all named Samantha. #WWE #RAW #BWF
Next week, Triple H and The Undertaker will meet up face to face, and The Rock will be on RAW Live!
Alex Riley is in the ring and tells us his name is Alex Riley. Three weeks ago, he was fired as The Miz’ apprentice. But, lucky for everyone, he was rehired as the “Vice President of Corporate Communication”. Allow him to introduce the most must-see Champion and the best man at his wedding.
AWESOME
This Wednesday, The Miz is going to be on Conan on TBS!
Miz says that in the 1970s, people would travel great distances to say that they saw Muhammad Ali fight in person, and in the 80s, people would pay millions to see Michael Jordan in his prime play basketball. Now, in 2011, we have been blessed with the honor of watching him. When he first started, people didn’t take him seriously. Some people said that he was annoying, but now look how far we’ve come? Now, John Cena, like The Rock, hangs onto every single word Miz says. Last week, he imitated The Rock. He knows, it was good, got everyone. It was ironic, while there has been many wanna-be Rock clones over the years, the one person who imitated him correctly is one-of-a-kind, an original. He has rewritten history. Someone has come who has more charisma than Shawn Michaels, more physically something than Andre the Giant, more intelligent than John Cena and The Rock combined. He is the greatest WWE Champion in history. And, in the process, he has become bigger than the entire WWE Universe and every single one of us that’s in it. He has flipped the WWE since day one, and that is what he’s about to reveal, symbolizes and celebrates this iconic the WWE logo. He has flipped it in the form of an M. And that M stands for Miz. The time has now come. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to rewrite “Miz-tory”.
A drum roll sounds, and a spotlight shines over the covered thing in the ring. The cover is pulled away, and the WWE Championship is exactly the same, except the WWE logo is upside down. Miz lifts it over his head in victory. Alex Riley secures the belt around his waist. Miz says that this is what the WWE Championship will look like moving forward. It will no long spin like a toy, and we will look at it as the most coveted title in the world. Miz doesn’t plan on being a multi-time Champion, because he doesn’t ever plan on losing the title. Because he’s The Miz, and he’s–! Awesome!
John comes on the TitanTron clapping. He says the show was fantastic, moving, epic. He hasn’t seen something that emotional since the season finale of Flip This House. He flipped the WWE logo to an M for his name, because it begins with an M. The WWE Universe knows that Cena isn’t invincible, and knows that you should never make Cena angry. In thirteen days, Cena will make history at Wrestlemania. People come in and remove Cena’s walls. His living room got torn apart! Cena says that he was supposed to be broadcasting from his home, and he is. For the past nine years, the WWE has been his home. Right now, the two of them are in the middle of his living room, and he’s coming to take out the trash.
Cena heads to the ring and Miz and Riley prepare for him. Wisely, they watch every entrance they can see, but Cena comes on down the ramp. Miz is wielding the table as a shield in the ring. Cena runs into the ring and Miz throws the table at him. It’s an instant brawl as Riley and Miz attack Cena together. Cena fights back the best he can, but there’s a flurry of movement in the ring. When Cena starts to get advantage of one, the other jumps in. Cena gets Riley out of the ring and Miz heads out. Riley gets back in the ring and Cena locks in the STF on Riley. The ref climbs into the ring and tries to get Cena to let Riley go, but Cena holds fast. Miz comes back and Cena finally lets Riley go. Miz stands on the stage and watches as Cena locks the STF in again. Miz looks a bit upset and moves closer to the ring. Cena just waits for him, and then Miz walks out as Riley gets put into yet another STF. Two more refs join the first one and try to get Cena off of Riley.
That’s it for this week. Stay tuned for next week’s RAW!
Holy crap I am tired… barely slept last night, and now I am going to watch some iMPACT. This is probably the best mindset to hit good ol’ Crash TV in… let’s see what the little promotion that couldn’t served up for us tonight! The only thing I’m privy to remembering is that Karen Angle-Jarrett tells her story about what happened with her and Kurt. And they call wrasslin’ a soap opera….
Tonight’s RAW is a special three hour edition they’re calling Old School RAW! However, before we get to tonight, I want to make a note about next week’s RAW. It’s live in Orlando, FL, and I’m going. But, because I know that you all can’t live without this review (haha… just kidding), I’m going to try to get up a RAW review on Tuesday of next week so that you can still have that. It just won’t be Monday night, because I’ll be exhausted. So yeah.
ONTO TONIGHT’S RAW!
On the list of VIPs tonight, Superfly Snuka, Mean Gene, Cowboy Bob Orton, Ted DiBiase Sr., and I already forgot what the commercial said. Damn, I’m not good at this memory stuff…
Cue the old school entrance with the weird 80s music! Must be Old School Night!! They even gave it a new old-school theme for tonight. That’s pretty cool. I approve, thus far. Very vintage feel. Shutting up now.
Holy crap, annoying siren of doom. Okay. Seriously, onto the RAW review. Holy crap, you can’t hear Cole over the siren. GO SIREN GO!
Jerry says that he’s there because most of his memories are in black and white and he’s excited for the legends. Justin Roberts is in the ring and introduces Mean Gene Okerlund!
Mean Gene says that tonight, RAW is Old School, and he introduces the first WWE Hall of Famer, Cowboy Bob Orton! Mean Gene starts to introduce Bob’s son, but Randy’s not there yet. Mean Gene says that’s good news and asks if Bob thinks that Randy will walk out WWE Champion? Bob says that Randy does what Randy wants to do, get what he wants, and knows how to deal from adversity. Bob remembers being called from school and being told that the teachers were afraid that Randy was going to beat them up. Bob doesn’t care about Cena’s career, and he doesn’t care if Randy gives Cena the RKO after giving it to Barrett. Before he can go on, Barrett comes out, looking rather shocked.
Barrett tells that ‘old man’ to listen carefully: His prediction about Randy’s chances are as phony as his cast. Barrett is going to defeat Randy, and when he does, he’s going to achieve something that Bob never did: Become WWE Champion. Barrett says that he doesn’t owe anything to the old school, and they didn’t pave the way for him: He did it himself. Everything he’s worked for is going to come to fruition this Sunday at Survivor Series. The only reason he didn’t bring Nexus out was because he wanted Bob to see him beat Randy.
AWESOME!
Miz repeats Barrett for a moment. Last week, when Miz told Randy he’d be on his team, he didn’t get a thanks, he just got stared down with those squinty Orton eyes. That was a bad move, and Miz sent a message right back to Randy, changing the landscape of the 10-Man Tag match, just like he can change the entire landscape of the WWE by cashing in his Money in the Bank contract. Maybe he’ll do it when Randy arrives tonight. That’d change things, wouldn’t it? Then, at Survivor Series, he and Randy wouldn’t be able to fight for the WWE title, and Cena would have to stay in the Nexus forever.
Miz is interrupted by Cena on the TitanTron, and says that Miz has the weird gift of ruining everything he touches, but Cena is going to make sure that Miz doesn’t cash in tonight. If he’s going to be free or fired at Survivor Series, he’s not going to put himself on the line for nothing. Miz will cash in nothing, because Cena challenges Miz to a match tonight for nothing. The normal Miz is probably looking to Riley, but if Miz is as “awesome” as he says he is, simply say ‘I accept’. Miz says that he makes the decisions, and accepts the match. Mean Gene then says that The Miz will go up against John Cena tonight. Raw is Old School! Hang onto your hats!
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Dude…. You can see where Randy gets his harsh stare from. Wade’s gonna blow up if he gets both set on him at the same time. #BWF #RAW
@TKeep123 Love Bob Orton still wearing the cast on his wrist….it’s been what…25 years since he broke that arm? #WWE #RAW
@thinksojoe Love the hybrid #RAW set! #BWF
@divadirt Damn, even the guardrails are old school! #WWE
Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler with Vickie Guerrero vs. Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry
Oh, God. I forgot about Mark Henry’s old name. This is killing me inside.
Ziggler starts by hitting Henry’s back for a few times before going for the sleeper hold. Henry throws him out of the ring, and Ziggler looks like he hit his ring already. Ziggler climbs back in the ring to run into a clothesline by Henry. Henry then Whips him across the ring, and he ducks under a clothesline only to attempt another sleeper. Henry backs him into the corner and then puts him on the turnbuckle before slapping him right out of the ring. Henry smiles at Vickie, who backs away, and then hurls Ziggler back into the ring. Ziggler takes out Henry’s knee when Henry gets back in and then covers him in hits. Ziggler goes for a cover, but Henry kicks out at one. A ‘chocolate’ chant is going on, and Henry gets back to his feet, launching Ziggler across the ring. Henry then takes Ziggler down with two clotheslines and a head butt. Ziggler gets an advantage back, but Henry power slams him and goes for a cover, but Ziggler gets his foot on the bottom rope. Henry gets back up and nudges Ziggler. Henry then blows a kiss to Vickie and then goes to droop onto Ziggler, who rolls out of the way. The chocolate chant goes up again, but Ziggler hits the Zig Zag! Henry kicks out at two, and then Ziggler hits it again. Henry kicks out at two again though! Ziggler then attempts the sleeper again, and locks it in as Henry lays on the ring floor. Henry seems to pass out. Good luck carrying him.
Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler wins via submission/pass out.
Backstage, David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd are walking together. Smith says that his dad and Dynamite Kid didn’t see eye to eye, but still managed to get along. Tony Atlas says that they can work it out, and then a bunch of other stuff, talking about how him and his tag partner, Rocky Johnson, if I heard right, took care of business when they had their issues. Tony Atlas keeps going, and oiling up with WD-40, but the Hart Dynasty ran away.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog SEXUAL CHOCOLATE?!
@ThingsColeSays TONY ATLAS IS BACK!!!! AHH HEH HEH HEH AHH HEH HEH HEH
@HitTheRopes The return of Sexual Chocolate. Oh lord, the father of the hand is back. #WWE
We come back to Tony Atlas still going, but this time with Yoshi Tatsu, who is shaking his head, pantomiming suicide. Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater are in the ring.
WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater vs David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd
Smith and Gabriel start out, going to lock up, but Gabriel kicks Smith. Smith then throws Gabriel down, twice, but Gabriel retaliates by starting to lock his head legs around Smith’s head. Smith throws Gabriel down and then beats on him a little bit, Whipping him across the ring. He then hits one, two, three belly-to-belly suplexes into a cover, but Slater breaks it up. Gabriel tags in Slater, who is dropped as soon as he gets in. Smith goes for a cover, but Slater kicks out. Smith then slams into Slater, starting to slam him to the ground, but Gabriel distracts him, getting knocked outside the ring for it. Slater slams into Smith, and then tags in Gabriel. The two take turns slamming into Smith in their corner, then tag Slater back in. Slater goes for a cover, but Smith kicks out. Slater Whips Smith across the ring, and misses the chance to slam into him. Both men crawl to their corners, and Kidd moves instead of tagging in, and then kicks him in the face. Smith lays on the floor as Gabriel goes to the top rope, hitting the 450 Splash.
WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater win via pinfall.
Smith glares at Kidd, who merely laughs back.
Mean Gene is backstage with WWE Champion, Randy Orton, with Cowboy Bob Orton. Mean Gene asks if Randy thinks he’ll walk out WWE Champion. Randy starts to respond, but Truth interrupts. Truth says that he hates to say it, but Cena knew exactly what he was doing when he held his shoulder down for the 123. People like to think that Cena has a choice: Free or Fight. Cena’s not going to fight, but Orton has a choice: Do something or let it happen. Randy says that everyone seems to have it figured out, but there is one way that he can prevent Cena from screwing him over: to punt him in the head tonight.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 I sure hope JR gets at least a cameo. Best would be coming out and knocking Cole out of HIS chair! #WWE #RAW #BWF
@ThingsColeSays Kidd should’ve kicked Smith through the Barbershop window.
@HitTheRopes Did R-Truth get his wardrobe mixed in with The Brooklyn Brawler? #OLDSCHOOLRAW
@Niki_Sushi Randy: Guess I’ll just punt John. No biggie. Truth: Not.. what I meant. Randy: Don’t care. Truth: Shit. #BWF #RAW
@redsandman99 So R-Truth is like the token wise man now?
@kickoutblog Shoulda put him through a window, Tyson!
Mean Gene tells us to remember the Old School Vintage WWE Apparel is selling in WWEShop.com. Cool.
Justin Roberts asks us to welcome the only ring announcer to ever be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, Howard Finkel!
The Fink then tells us that he is going to introduce a man who is revered by many, feared by all: The Brooklyn Brawler with Harvey Wippleman. The Brawler takes the mic and asks if these people respect old school. He expected a standing ovation when he came to the ring, and he expects a standing ovation when his match is over. Wippleman says that the “king of old school” wants to challenge anyone from the new school to a match.
The Brooklyn Brawler vs Ezekiel Jackson
Brawler and Zeke stare at each other, and Brawler shoves Zeke, then tries to lift him. Zeke grabs him by the throat, throws him into the ropes, and then takes him down. The then flings him into the corner, then slams into him. Zeke then plants Brawler and goes for the cover.
Ezekiel Jackson wins via pinfall.
Well. That didn’t take long.
Still to come, John Cena takes on Mister Money in the Bank, The Miz!
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Not running into a brick wall. That’s standing in front of a tank and waving. #BWF #RAW
@RingsideRants Why is Cole saying 2011? Does he not know what year it is?
@FakeGorilla Good to see Harvey Wippleman got his manager’s license renewed.
Nexus is backstage and Otunga says that he was almost excommunicated, but he stepped up. Now, it’s time that one of them step up. R-Truth is becoming a problem, and as the leader- Barrett walks in and says that he’s the leader. Otunga makes a good point though, someone does need to deal with Truth. That is going to be Otunga. Otunga says they’ve had beef since NXT anyway.
“Barrett, David Otunga will not face R-Truth, as Otunga will compete in a special match later on tonight. As for R-Truth, he will be in action tonight against you, Wade Barrett. What a better way to prove to everyone that, despite who the referee is this Sunday, you are truly WWE Championship material.”
THIS ISN’T OLD SCHOOL, COLE! King said the same thing. Ahaha.
Barrett says the GM raises a good point, and Harris says that Barrett knows they have his back. Barrett thanks them, but says it won’t be needed. He’s going to go out there and prove he can beat anyone on the RAW roster on his own, then asks what Cena wants. Cena merely smiles and then steps forward, saying that he wanted to make sure that he had a grasp on his meltdown and a thank you for taking care of the Miz. Barrett says that he wants Nexus to follow Cena to the ring just in case Orton tries to interfere. Cena says if Orton wants some, he can come get some.
<COMMERCIAL>
@FrankWWEClown A laptop? An iPod tone? A wireless microphone?! This is not old school, this is MADNESS!!! #OldSchoolRAW #WWE
@HitTheRopes They didn’t have Internet back then. #wwe
@thinksojoe We got Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry, why can’t we get Word Life John Cena? #RAW #BWF
@kickoutblog If it were TRULY old school, the GM would send messages in AOL’s WWE chat room.
@TKeep123 Will we see KANE with his mask? #WWE #RAW #BWF
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR BAD WIG NIGHT!
John Cena vs Mister Money in the Bank The Miz
Tonight could be the last time we see Cena on RAW! I’d be very sad. And I wonder why Riley’s wearing trunks…
Miz takes the mic and says that Cena always thinks he’s one step ahead of Miz. Cena thinks that if he takes out Miz now, he can’t cash in the Money in the Bank briefcase tonight. If he takes Miz out right now, he has one less thing to worry about Sunday. The GM never officially sanctioned this match, Cena did. Miz says that if the GM doesn’t have a problem with it, Miz can make a substitution. Cole says he hasn’t heard anything, and Miz says that he guesses the GM doesn’t mind. Tonight, he won’t compete against Cena, instead Alex Riley will be. That answers my question. Miz says that Cena wants to face him, but he’ll have to wait until Wrestlemania after he becomes WWE Champion. Because he’s the Miz, and he’s awesome!
John Cena vs Alex Riley
Riley and Cena lock up, and Cena quickly flips Riley on his back. Cena then does it a second time. Cena seems to be screwing with Riley, and they start to lock up, but Cena kicks Riley, then tosses him again. Cena backs Riley into a corner, then runs into Riley’s elbow. Riley distracts the ref and Miz hits Cena. Riley takes advantage and plants Cena before going for a cover, only for Cena to kick out. Cena hits Riley with a low-blow, and then flings Riley across the ring. Cena runs right into the turnbuckle, however, and Riley takes the advantage. He throws Cena into the turnbuckle, and Cena bounces out, hitting some move, but the camera man knows for my love for Miz and was focused on him. Riley goes for a cover, but Cena kicks out. Riley gets Cena on his feet, but Cena throws Riley over his back, ducking a clothesline, hitting shoulder blocks, then planting Riley. Cena then tells Miz that Miz can’t see him, then hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle on Riley. Miz yells at Riley to not get up, and then Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment before locking in the STF, smirking at Miz.
John Cena wins via submission.
Miz gets in the ring, but Randy shoots down the ramp, taking out Orton, and then taking out McGuillicutty and Harris. Orton and Cena are in the ring, staring at one another. The two exchange blows, and then the refs climb in the ring to break them up, trying to pull Orton off Cena. The refs manage to pull them apart, and then a bunch of other guys climb in to make sure that they stay apart. Orton wants to beat the shit out of Cena. The crowd’s telling the guys to let them go.
“It’s obvious that John Cena and Randy Orton have issues they need to work out prior to Survivor Series. Since this is Old school, I can’t think of a better forum than in this very ring with a man who isn’t afraid to ask questions. Cena, Orton, later tonight, you will both be guests on Piper’s Pit.”
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Was Abraham Washington one of the guys breaking them up?
@kickoutblog Johnny Ace just tripped trying to get in the ring… shoulda rode his skateboard.
@ThingsColeSays Is Orton going old school by growing out his hair?
Well, when RAW would be starting, they play the entrance video one more time. Okay then… Wait, did they just restart RAW? Oh, no, they didn’t. I was a little scared.
The Fink is in the ring with Nikolai and the Iron Sheik. He then asks everyone to rise as Nikolai sings the Russian national anthem. We really just need Sheamus, and Sa-… Good for me!
Santino and Vladimir make their way down to the ring together. Santino apologizes for interrupting, and says that his tag team partner would love the honor of singing with him. Vladimir and Nikolai shake hands and then a USA chant starts. Vladimir grins and the two start. Santino even realizes this was a bad idea. He tries not to laugh, and fails, and then interrupts them again. Santino says it was… it was… crushingly terrible. Santino says that there is one song he would like them to hear, and it’s going to blow the roof off this place. It’s the story of his life, and he needs help to sing it. Slick makes his way to the ring.
Sheik starts yelling about Hogan, but no one can hear him over Slick’s theme. Sheik looks like he’s ready to blow a bitch up… Wait, what?
Santino asks Sheik what he thinks about that. Sheik says that without the Iron Sheik, something about Hulkamania, then tells everyone to shut up. Someone cuts off his mic, and then the Usos come out. It’s a cultural cluster fuck. Jesus.
Anyway, a match is next. Goodie.
<COMMERCIAL>
@StrikerSays We need Kurt Angle to come out and defend the honor of his country again.
@kickoutblog The Soviet National Anthem? I guess no one’s had the heart to tell ol’ Nikolai, have they?
@FrankWWEClown Here we go! @the_ironsheik is about to make the @WWEUniverse humble! He put you in the camel clutches!!! F*** the Santino! #OldSchoolRAW
@RingsideXcess LOL at Sheik shooting on Hogan.
Jimmy and Jey Uso with Tamina and Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka vs. Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov for the Number One Contender to the WWE Tag Team Champions
We come back to the Usos already fighting Santino. They tag, but I can’t tell which one’s in. I don’t know the difference between him. Santino gets taken down by Uso 1. Uso 1 tags in Uso 2. Santino flings Uso 2 over and then is rolled all the way over to his own corner, and Vladimir tags in, catching Uso 2 in mid air and flinging him back toward his own corner. Snuka seems a bit unimpressed, to be honest. Vladimir tags in Santino, who is shoved like a battering ram into Uso 2. Santino goes for a cover, but Uso kicks out. Santino tags back in Kozlov, who drops Uso, face-first, onto the turn buckle. Kozlov then picks up Uso and doesn’t see that the other Uso is tagged in. Uso then goes for a cover, only for Kozlov to kick out. Uso then plants Kozlov and goes for another cover. Uso gets Kozlov in a headlock, and Santino screams at Kozlov to ‘come here’. Kozlov fights out, only for Uso to plant him and then tag in the other Uso. Uso then drops into Kozlov and knocks Santino out of the ring. The Usos us3 this time to double team Kozlov. Uso pins Kozlov, but Kozlov kicks out at two. The Usos are thrown into Kozlov, and then go for a cover, but Kozlov kicks out at two. Kozlov stretches for Santino, who is yelling at him to move. Kozlov keeps trying to push Uso off of him, but it doesn’t work . Uso then tries to take out Santino, blocks it. Santino and the other Uso are tagged in, Santino dominates. Santino goes for a cover, but the other Uso goes to break it up, but Kozlov plants him. Santino then hits the Cobra.
Vladimir Kozlov and Santino Marella win via pinfall.
Sheamus then Brogue kicks Kozlov, then the Usos. Santino pleads for mercy, but Sheamus shoves him down. Morrison runs out to the ring and tricks Sheamus into running to the ropes, only to flip him over the top rope. Morrison hits a spinning kick on Sheamus, then takes a mic. Morrison says that he keeps doing this because Sheamus is a bully. One thing he learned about bullies is that when they feel threatened, they turn and walk away. Sheamus keeps looking for fights in all the wrong places. If Sheamus wants to fight, Morrison is right there. Sheamus pulls off his shirt and looks like he’s going to the ring, but Sheamus walks away.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 One of these days….they’ll learn…. FEAR THE COBRA! #WWE #RAW #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@Niki_Sushi I love how the Cobra is considered the Golden Gun of the WWE world. Same with the Orton Punt. #BWF #RAW
@kickoutblog Slick left ringside because he’s afraid of Tamina. Why? Because she is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig woman. #JiveSoulBro
@dasharpshooters: Sheamus came out of nowhere. He must have been camoflauged on the white ropes. #wwe #OldschoolRaw #raw
I can’t take Justin Roberts seriously with that damn hair… I really can’t.
David Otunga vs. Kofi Kingston
As my best friend and I said Smackdown, Kofi looks weird in blue. I got used to him in painful yellow. Anyway, why is it that the Smackdown guys both got the interviews?
Otunga takes a couple hard kicks from Kingston, who seems to find this amusing. Kingston ducks a clothesline and gets Otunga in a headlock. Otunga catches Kingston and drops him on the mat. And then again. And one more time. Otunga then goes for a cover, but Kingston kicks out. My cat started watching right now, by the way. If he’s an Otunga fan, I’ll have to send him to the Chinese place up the street. Anyway, Kingston fights out of the headlock Otunga had him in, and Otunga drops Kingston, going for a cover. Kingston kicks out at one, and Otunga plants his knee in Kingston’s back before Kingston fights to his feet. Kingston gets momentum and fights Otunga into a corner, getting pulled off Otunga by a ref. Kingston hits a hard drop kick on Otunga, and then Kingston plants Otunga, who plants him, in a double clothesline. George “The Animal” Steele makes his way to the ring, and the fans point him to the ring. He climbs into the ring, green tongue out, before he yells about eating. The ref tells him no, and he turns around to bite apart the other turnbuckle. Otunga stands up and looks at him like he needs to go to the asylum down the street, and the ref gets Steele out of the ring. Kingston reminds Otunga he’s in a match by planting Otunga into the exposed turnbuckle and hits the Trouble in Paradise.
Kofi Kingston wins via pinfall.
Morrison is backstage with Arn Anderson and Jerry Briscoe. Morrison says that he’s sick of Sheamus and shows some examples before Sheamus puts his boot in Morrison’s face. Sheamus says that he accepts Morrison’s challenge for a match at Survivor Series.
@TKeep123 OMG!!!!! George THE ANIMAL STEELE….GREEN tongue and all! What a wonderful man! #WWE #RAW #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@StrikerSays I just LOLed at that big boot.
@Niki_Sushi This is truly the night of bad wigs. #BWF #RAW
@redsandman99 *snickers* I like JoMo but I won’t lie. I laughed when Sheamus kicked him
Aksana is walking with the Million Dollar Title backstage and Hacksaw Jim Duggan says that Aksana’s mom is over there and she’s been stealing his bit. Aksana says that she’s lost weight, and Dusty Rhodes says that he isn’t her momma. A net drops on her and Goldust takes the belt back. He then returns it to The Million Dollar Man, who walks up with IRS. Ted Jr. walks up and Ted Sr. gives it back to him. Ted says that there’s something else he wants that isn’t a hand me down. Cody shows up and says that that was far from Dashing. Goldust says that they should go over there and give him some of his grooming tips. Cody tells Goldust not to breathe on him, and walks away. Goldust tells Cody to help a brother out. Tatanka, Kelly Kelly, Ted Sr., IRS, Aksana, Dusty Rhodes, and Jim Duggan all dance. Ron Simmons sums this up perfectly.
“Damn.”
Later to come, Randy Orton and John Cena meet up on the Piper’s Pit.
Eve and R-Truth make their way to the ring for Truth’s match with Wade Barrett, next.
<COMMERCIAL>
@StrikerSays I often wonder if Ted DiBiase, Sr. even did The Laugh after punishing his sons.
@KeepItFiveStar Is “I will beat you with shovel” Aksana’s new catchphrase?
My heart hurts when Truth raps this new entrance, but it dies a little when Eve dances to it.
R-Truth with Eve vs. Wade Barrett
I hope Barrett pulls a Hannibal Lector and eats Truth’s face… Even though that would be nasty, and not PG at all.
Barrett and Truth circle one another before Barrett puts his foot in Truth’s stomach. Truth smacks Barrett before kicking him, and Barrett hurls Truth across the ring, but Truth does his fancy foot shit and avoids getting his ass kicked. Truth then clotheslines Barrett over the top rope. Truth then flips over the top rope and takes Barrett out. Truth then throws Barrett back into the room, nearly pulling his trunks down, and Truth goes to the top rope, jumping over Barrett who goes to knock him down. Barrett plants Truth, then holds him against the ropes. Barrett then suplexes Truth, who kicks out. Barrett then kicks Truth and drags him to a corner, who hits an elbow drop on Truth. Truth kicks out of Barrett’s cover at two. Barrett then plants Truth with a back breaker and goes for a cover, only for Truth to kick out. Both Orton and Cena are watching this match. Truth goes to steal a cover, but Barrett kicks out and beats Truth for it. Barrett gets Truth in a headlock, but Truth fights out, only to get Barrett’s knee in his stomach. Barrett runs into Truth’s face, and Truth takes the momentum with some hard clotheslines. Truth counters some kind of attempt at something, but Barrett kicks out of the cover. Truth drops Barrett on his stomach and goes for a cover, but Barrett kicks out. Truth misses an axe kick, and Barrett gets Truth up, but Truth fights to his feet. Barrett plants his foot in Truth’s face and then hits Wasteland.
Wade Barrett wins via pinfall.
Coming up: Orton and Cena are on Piper’s Pit.
<COMMERCIAL>
@C00kieCrumz: I hope Wade Barrett kills R-Truth. #wwe
@TKeep123 OK, EVE IS HOT and getting darker every week, but damn….. she really can’t dance to that rap. #WWE #RAW #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@RingsideRants Eve’s dancing is so awesome, but not in a good way. In more of a, “wow this is terrible” kind of way.
@KeepItFiveStar Right time for you to SHUT UP!
@HitTheRopes Thank you very much, Wade. #wwe
And the entrance is played one more time! That siren is only cool because it drowns Cole out. King then strangles Cole a little, just for fun.
Ricardo starts to introduce Alberto del Rio, but is interrupted by Tito Santana, who introduces him instead. Chavo Classic is driving Alberto’s car. Sounds like an insult.
Alberto takes the mic and thanks Tito and Chavo Classic, then says that is name is Alberto del Rio, but we already knew that. He calls the Americans fat!! Thank you, Spanish class! And he tells us all that. He says he’s in the heart of the nation, a heart that will soon be stuffed by cholesterol and obesity. Anyway, he knows we’re here to celebrate the Old School. He thinks the old legends should follow Tito and Chavo and pay respect to him.
Sgt. Slaughter comes out to show him respect. Yeah, right. Slaughter scares me. Anyway, Slaughter tells Rio to shut his hole and listen up. There are two things you don’t mess with: legends and America. Rio wants respect? How about he earns it by facing Slaughter right here, right now, you scum, you slime, you maggot. A USA chant starts up as Rio laughs. Rio says something, but I haven’t got that far in Spanish. He then says to bring a referee right now.
Alberto del Rio vs Sgt. Slaughter
Rio beats Slaughter to his knees, and Rio mockingly salutes before Whipping Slaughter. Slaughter then gets him a hold, but Rio makes it to the ropes. Rio then elbows Slaughter in the neck, and hits a hard clothesline. Slaughter kicks out of the cover at two, and Rio puts him in a headlock. A Slaughter chant breaks out. Slaughter fights to his feet, but takes a hard kick to the thigh. Slaughter ducks a clothesline, and locks in a hold, but del Rio gets out of it, flipping Slaughter over and throwing him into the corner before kicking him in the back of the head.
Alberto del Rio wins via pinfall.
Rio kicks Slaughter and locks in his armbar. Slaughter taps, but del Rio doesn’t let up. MVP, however, chases del Rio out of the ring. Rio winks at MVP as MVP helps Slaughter to his feet.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar MVP? Did the RAW flight get stuck overseas again?
@kickoutblog Why wouldn’t Mysterio make the save there?
@HitTheRopes With his bald head and the black and green on, Sgt. Slaughter looks like a turtle. #wwe #raw
@TKeep123 Sgt. Slaughter out to check Alberto del Rio’s GREEN CARD! “Shut your hole, you puke!” #WWE #RAW #OldSchoolRaw #BWF
@redsandman99 Ariba bitch!
@Lunna1969 Ricardo just got his spot light jacked! #BWF #WWE #RAW
@seraphalexiel 😀 Spanish Announcers are always win. Always
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Wrestlemania XXVII tickets are on sale!>
Mean Gene introduces WWE Hall of Famer Mae Young. Mae comes out with none other than the Bellas. Mean Gene says that she has quite a storied past in the WWE, some even say she was the very first Diva. Mae says that she’s 87. That’s all I caught. Mean Gene says that there are so many unforgettable moments in her career.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Mae Young>
LayCool interrupts Mean Gene and Mae Young. Michelle says they’re a little confused? Is this Old School RAW or Jurassic Park? They ask how it feels to know that they have a Championship when she’ll never have one. LayCool makes an adult diaper joke and tells the Bellas to change her. Mae says she wants a match with those sluts, with no disqualification, and then calls them bitches. LayCool begin laughing and run away from Mae. LayCool says they want to make it a falls count anywhere. Then they tell the guys to ring the bell.
LayCool vs Mae Young in a No DQ Falls Count Anywhere Match
Divas come out to join her. Natalya, Eve, Melina, and Gail chase LayCool down and proceed to beat LayCool up. Layla then gets a hard slap by Mae before getting a clothesline by Natalya. The Divas then put one of Mae’s feet on Layla, and the ref counts it.
Mae Young wins via pinfall.
<COMMERCIAL>
@dasharpshooters Mae Young just called Laycool sluts and bitches. HARDCORE LIKE A MUTHAFUCKA. #wwe #Oldschoolraw TV-14
@kickoutblog Who would’ve thought Mae Young on a mic was more dangerous than The Iron Sheik?
@KeepItFiveStar Mae Young is breakin down the PG barriers!
@HitTheRopes I guess they forgot to tell Mae Young they were PG. LOL. “These two sluts…” #wwe
@ThingsColeSays LOL King marking the fuck out!
@redsandman99 I’m absolutely dying here. Sluts, bitches…Mae Young with a live mic is awesome.
@TKeep123 Mae Young slapping the taste out of Layla’s flawless mouth! ..and the PIN! YES! #WWE #Raw #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
The Fink asks us to welcome the special guest commentator for this match: JR! I marked the hell out. I LOVE JR!!!! He and Lawler are my favorite commentators. Shut the fuck up Cole.
United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Jack Swagger
Bryan and Swagger lock up, and Swagger keeps his hands on Bryan. Bryan manages to fight out, only to deliver a hard kick to Swagger. Cole pretends to doze off, and Swagger gets Bryan on his back. They both try to lock in their own submissions, and Bryan manages to fight out of Swagger’s set up, grazing Swagger’s head with a kick. JR and Lawler continue to ignore Cole. Swagger has his hands around Bryan’s waist and holds on tight. Bryan avoids some this by Swagger, who runs face first into Bryan’s feet. Bryan goes for a cover, and Swagger kicks out. Bryan keeps kicking Swagger hard. Bryan climbs up the ropes to avoid getting beat, and Swagger kicks him out of the ring.
<COMMERCIAL>
@StrikerSays JR just keeps shutting Cole DOWN with slobberknockers of ignoring.
@KeepItFiveStar I love how Jim Ross is just no selling Michael Cole
@TKeep123 JR dissing Michael Cole…. My night is complete! #WWE #Raw #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@divadirt OMG! JR & King reunion. Someone mute Cole’s mic please. #WWE
@kickoutblog MOTHER.FUCK.YES.JR!
@ThingsColeSays First JR, now Daniel Bryan. LOL. Cole is gonna kill himself!
@HitTheRopes And there is @JRsBBQ and all is right with Raw. #wwe
@JCenadotcom Who’s hoping that Cole gets a beating courtesy of good ole’ JR [and King]?
It made me smile to come back to JR’s voice. Swagger has Bryan around the waist and Swagger plants Bryan, going for a cover before Bryan kicks out. Bryan shakes it off and then is grabbed around the head by Swagger. Swagger and Bryan roll around the ring for a little bit before Swagger climbs back into the ring. Swagger walks right into a kick by Bryan, and then gets knocked out of the ring. Bryan plants his feet in Swagger’s face, then proceeds to keep kicking swagger. Swagger locks in the ankle lock, but Bryan gets out of it. Swagger then avoids getting kicked in the face again. Swagger jumps off the second rope and onto Bryan, going for a cover, but Bryan kicks out at two. King tells Cole to shut the hell up. Swagger then jumps off the second rope again to land on Bryan. Swagger grabs Bryan around the waist and attempts the Gut Wrench, but Bryan fights it, going to attempt the LaBell, but Swagger hits the backbreaker. Swagger attempts another Gut Wrench, but Bryan kicks Swagger in the face again. This time, for the win.
Daniel Bryan wins via pinfall.
Ted DiBiase runs into the ring and proceeds to beat the hell out of Bryan, then hits the Dream Street. Ted then takes the United States Championship and climbs in the ring. He holds it up, and then Maryse makes her way down to him. JR says his goodbyes, and I cry on the inside.
At Survivor Series, Edge and Kane will face off for the World Heavyweight Championship! The traditional match is Team Mysterio vs Team del Rio. Mysterio, Show, Masters, MVP, Kofi vs del Rio, Reks, Swagger, and someone else I missed. Sorry. Sheamus and Morrison are going head to head too! Then, there’s going to be Randy Orton vs Wade Barrett for the WWE Championship, where Cena will be freed or fired.
JR smacks Cole with his hat and gives kids high fives and what not as he heads out. Love that man.
Up next, Cena and Orton are going to meet up in Piper’s Pit.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog JR hitting Michael Cole with his hat should be added to the Raw intro video.
@Niki_Sushi Jerry just legit pointed and laughed at Cole. My night has been made three times already. #BWF #RAW
@bethsharae Beat the crap out of him JR! #Raw
@TKeep123 Ted Dibiase apparently jealous of Daniel Bryan’s beard… #WWE #Raw #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@ThingsColeSays Ahahahahahahahaah, now Cole said “belt.” He’s fucking losing it! This is awesome!
@seraphalexiel SLOBBERKNOCKER! And…. this was the best RAW moment in a long time
@redsandman99 Nothing says shut the fuck up like a bitchslap with a cowboy hat.
We welcome the legends back out to the stage, and they all line up. Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, Cowboy Bob Orton, IRS, Tito Santana, Sgt. Slaughter, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, The Brooklyn Brawler, Chavo Classic (who mentioned Eddie), Mean Gene Okerlund, Howard Finkel, Mae Young, Jerry Brisco, Ted DiBiase Sr., Slick, Tatanka, Tony Atlas, Arn Anderson, Ron Simmons, Dusty Rhodes, George “The Animal” Steele, JR!, The Iron Sheik, and Nikolai Volkoff.
Now, we welcome the other legend, Rowdy Roddy Piper, who’s looking a little older than he did at the Madison Square Garden RAW he guest hosted last year.
Rowdy says that we’re gonna make some history. Old school isn’t about nostalgia, it’s about a time when you had to man up, when you had to stand up to the plate, like when Captain Lou was being honored with an award and Piper hit him with a record. When he hit Snuka in the head with a coconut. It was a time when you had a problem, and you did something about it. His first guest is John Cena.
BRRRRRRRRRR WE LOVE JR!
Roddy says that he’s a fan of Cena’s, and he’s a helluva man. Roddy has to tell him that he has been competing over 30 years, and he’s never been the WWE Champion. It does eat at him a little bit. Many many other legends have never been the WWE Champion. And if Cena’s gonna do what Roddy thinks he’s gonna do, and he’s gonna give that SOB Wade Barrett the WWE Championship without him deserving it, then what Cena’s doing is spitting in the face of all those legends that he says he respects. Roddy’s askin him not to spit in his face, Cena. Cena’s been a man ever since he walked in. Consequences be damned, do the right thing. For weeks Cena’s had to hear free or fired, free from Nexus or fired from the WWE. At times, he doesn’t know what the right thing is. It’s not that easy. From the moment Cena got here, he’s worked as hard as he can. So, when guys like Piper look at the WWE, they look at Cena, and say they could have hung with them. He’s got a lot of respect, and he looked up to them as a kid. He’s been thinking about it a lot, but after all the work he’s done, he’s not going to give the WWE Championship up. Everybody wants to know the decision: If Randy Orton wins at Survivor Series, he earns it. If Wade Barrett wins, then he earns it. Cena’s calling the match down the middle. Barrett interrupts and says well said Cena. Barrett agrees 100%, just call it down the middle. HE proved tonight that he can beat anyone on the RAW roster without Cena’s help. They were magnificent words, but that’s the problem; They’re just words. They both know there’s a reality in place here. The reality is this: if Barrett doesn’t get his hand raised, if he doesn’t win the WWE Title, Cena’s finished, it’s all over. Piper puts a hand over Barrett’s mic and tells him to shut up. He says that if Barrett lets Cena give him that WWE Championship – then spits at Barrett for not look in at him – at the end of the day, he may have the WWE Championship, but he won’t be a champion, he’ll be a joke. Barrett asks who Piper is to cast judgment on him. One way or another, this is Cena’s final night on RAW as Nexus. It may be Cena’s final RAW ever. Sunday, Barrett either sets him free or fires him. If this is indeed his final RAW, he wants to do something he should have done weeks ago, and he’s disappointed that it’s taken this long. He tells Cena to put on the Nexus shirt. Barrett says that if Cena doesn’t put it on now, Cena’s fired on the spot. Cena changes shirts. Man still looks good in black. Cena says he hopes that Barrett’s happy. Barrett’s his boss until Sunday. When that match is over, win or lose, Cena’s going to turn Barrett’s face to mush. Barrett says that he’s heard all those threats, and Nexus may be banned from ringside, but the moment he becomes WWE Champion, they will hit the ring and neutralize any threat from Cena. Barrett has Cena in his back pocket.
Holy God long wall of text is done, but RAW isn’t.
I hear voices in my head…
Orton merely glances at Cena before looking at Barrett, then back at Cena. Orton says ever since Cena counted 123 on him last week, all he’s thought about is putting an end to this by kicking him in the skull. Cena says that he’s right there. Orton says that he’s thought of a better option. He could take Cena out, or. Orton then takes Barrett down and ducks a clothesline before hitting a scoop slam. Cena and Piper stand in the corners as Orton pounds on the mat. Cena moves between Orton and Barrett, and then drops a foot on Barrett’s head before RKO’ing Cena. Orton sets up for a punt, but Orton goes for the punt and misses. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on Orton. Cena holds his head, and Barrett climbs back in the ring, grinning pretty happily. He walks up to Cena, who scowls at him, and then tells Cena to raise his arm. Cena lifts Barrett up and hits him with an Attitude Adjustment too. Piper raises Cena’s hand on the ramp.
Well, interesting episode, but not much of a build up for Survivor Series…
Next week, I’ll be at RAW in Orlando, so the RAW review may be up on Tuesday. That’s my plan! I’ll see you all next week!!
What’s up folks and welcome again and happy Sunday. It’s been a long week here in JTland but I still got some wrestling time in so without further ado, lets get this show on the road:
This week’s RAW review is written by frequent contributor @TheMizMagnet, who used to be @AlyKat_730. Aly liked doing the guest host thing in my RAW reviews so much that she was the first person to volunteer when I asked if anybody wants to take over for me here on BWF on Monday Nights. Let us know what you think of Aly’s work via facebook, twitter, or MySpace!
Tonight’s RAW is hosted by actor and Twitter sensation (I read that somewhere… I think it was WWE Universe’s Twitter), Ashton Kutcher! The main event is a tag-team match between Randy Orton and WWE Champion John Cena, taking on Sheamus and Edge!!
We start in the middle of some action already up. Edge was beating on Evan for some reason, and told Evan that it was his ring. According to Michael, Edge came out before RAW and said it was his ring, and Evan Bourne came out to say that he wasn’t going to wait for a chance. Holy crap, is the RAW set backwards?
Anyway, Edge and Evan Bourne are fighting in the ring, and as Edge Irish Whips Evan into the ropes, Evan gets the upperhand. Here, Jerry Lawler would like to point out to us that this is not an official match, which I think all of us knew based on the fact that Edge was still in his jeans… Anyway, Evan gets Edge down, and goes for Air Bourne, but Edge rolls out of the way and hits Evan with the Spear. We find out that before we joined RAW, Evan asked for a match, stating that if he beat Edge, he wanted Edge’s spot in the Fatal Four-Way for the WWE Championship.
Edge calls for a mic and says that what happened to Evan Bourne is exactly what is going to happen to his opponents at Fatal 4Way: Randy Orton, Sheamus, and WWE Champion, John Cena. He continues on, saying no matter what he does, or how many times he proves his dominance, people like Evan Bourne and the WWE Universe continue to disrespect him. At Fatal 4Way, that all changes, because he’s nothing like his opponents. He’s not like John Cena, who’s the WWE Universe’s superhero, and quite possibly the strongest man in the industry. He’s not like Sheamus, who doesn’t care who gets in his way and will bulldoze his way through anyone to take what he wants. And he’s definitely not like Randy Orton, that snake in the grass who lies in wait to pounce and sink his fangs into you. He goes on to say that the WWE Universe are a bunch of sheep (Chris Jericho anyone?) who just fall in line. At Fatal 4Way, Edge says he’s going to prove everyone who disrespects him wrong when he becomes a ten-time WWE Champion. Gonna be honest here… I was hoping he’d go on another ‘WRONG!’ tirade, but he didn’t.
I hear voices in my head, they council me, they understand, they talk to me…
Randy comes out, and Jerry or Michael Cole tell us that there are 13,124 members of the WWE Universe in attendance tonight. Whatever. Randy gets in the ring, and Edge seems to be backing away, staying cautious. Edge says that Randy thinks he’s just gonna come out there and do something to Edge, but it won’t happen because Randy’s not at 100% due to what Edge did to him at Over the Limit (a dislocated shoulder, for those of you who don’t know). Edge starts to present Randy with an option concerning Fatal 4Way, but Randy RKO’s Edge. Reminder: These two men will be on opposite sides of the ring tonight as they go to tag team action. Randy Orton and WWE Champion, John Cena vs Edge and Sheamus. Up next, we hear from Ashton Kutcher!
<COMMERCIAL>
We come back to Monday Night RAW to see Ashton Kutcher on his laptop, talking about Zack Ryder talking smack to him on Twitter. Eve Torres comes up and they hug, and Eve asks what’s going on. Ashton tells her that Zack Ryder was talking smack about him on Twitter. Does Zack know that Ashton is guest host and that he has five million Twitter followers?! Eve asks what Ashton’s going to do about it, and Ashton says he’s going to put a hit on Zack Ryder, and it could be anyone: A referee, a wrestler, a Diva, Eve herself, Ashton, an announcer…
About that time, Miz shoes up and says that Ashton wanted to see him. This was confirmed by my friend, @Niki_Sushi that Ashton really did tweet Miz to see him during RAW (@aplusk: hey @mikethemiz I need to see you tonight. #RAW). Miz goes on with theories about why Ashton may want to see him, and even mentions that Ashton may want him to star in The Killers 2. Ashton laughs and says that he and Bret Hart have set up a match for The Miz tonight against a Superstar they have acquired a one-night contract for: Daniel Bryan. Ashton says that Daniel Bryan is going to make the Miz tap out, and Miz retorts that Ashton needs to grab his camera and take pictures of what The Miz is going to do to Daniel Bryan tonight. Ashton responds, saying that Miz wouldn’t be able to see it because it’d be so far up his- He is about to continue, but Eve stops him and reminds both men that this is PG television.
New United States Champion R-Truth vs Chris Jericho
Truth is called out to the ring, his new United States Championship around his waist. RAW shows a replay of last week,where R-Truth faced The Miz to pick up the championship. Chris Jericho gets into the ring after his entrance plays, and this is where I realize they’re coming out from the other side of the entrance thing this time. It messed me up.
The match starts, and Chris gets Truth in a headlock. Truth pushes him into the ropes, only to run into a clothesline from Jericho. Truth retaliates with a hip toss on Chris, and Chris goes for a Codebreaker, but Truth catches his feet and tosses him out onto the ring floor before jumping over the top rope and landing on him.
<COMMERCIAL>
We come back to see Chris in control. Apparently, he dropped Truth, stomach-first, into the top rope and then used a baseball slide to get Truth out of the ring. Now, Chris has him in a headlock, but it’s not too long before Truth starts to fight out, successfully breaking the hold. Truth takes Chris down for a pin, but Chris kicks out at two. Chris uses the insigari on Truth, and goes for a pin, but Truth kicks out a two. Truth has Truth between the top and middle rope and holds on, breaking at three before going back and breaking at four. Truth gets up only to be thrown into the turnbuckle and beats on him, pulling Truth out at the ref’s three count. Chris gets Truth down, and Chris pantomimes wiping his hands before he brings Truth to his feet. He slaps Truth, then Irish Whips him. Truth retaliates with a flying shoulder.
Truth then takes control, hitting Chris before he dances and slaps Chris to the ground. Truth Irish Whips Chris, who manages a counter, only to get hit with a hurricanrana. Truth kicks Chris in the face and goes for the pin, but Chris kicks out at two. Truth runs at Chris, but Chris kicks him in the face and the bulldogs Truth. He goes for the Lionsault, but Truth rolls out of the way. Truth gets Chris on his knees, then goes for the bicycle kick before Chris gets out of the way and goes for the Walls of Jericho. He can’t lock it in, however, and ends up sending Chris away. Truth hits Chris with a kick to the stomach and seemed to attempt a suplex, only to drop Chris with a facebuster. He goes for a cover, but Chris kicks out at two.
Truth grabs Chris to pull him away from the ropes, but Chris holds on. The ref comes up to pull Truth off, and Chris takes advantage, poking Truth in the eyes. He then knocks Truth down, goes for a cover, and Truth kicks out at two. Chris kicks Truth in the head, while mocking him, yelling “What’s up!?”. Chris Irish Whips Truth, and bends down, probably for some move or another, but Truth kicks him in the stomach. Truth misses a spin kick, and Chris capitalizes by locking in the Walls of Jericho. Truth, however, counters it with a small package, and pins Chris for the win.
United States Champion R-Truth Wins!
Reminder! Our Main Event tonight is Edge and Sheamus vs Randy Orton and John Cena!
<COMMERCIAL>
The Fatal 4Way theme is Showstopper, by Toby Mac, I think it said. Anyway, a replay of last week is now shown. Batista is in the ring, bandaged and bruised in a wheelchair. He says that Cena is going to give him a rematch, he deserves a rematch. RAW Ring Announcer Justin Roberts interrupts him and says that he has just been asked to announce RAW’s new General Manager, Bret “The Hitman” Hart! flsajf;sdlkfjasldkfj… Sorry, I can’t stand Bret. Bret then tells Batista that he has a match tonight to get his rematch. He’ll face Randy Orton for a chance to qualify at Fatal 4Way. Batista says he can’t possibly fight tonight, and Bret can’t make him. Bret then says that if he doesn’t fight, he forfeits. Batista says if that happens, he’ll quit. Bret says that Randy qualifies by forfeit, Batista flips and says that WWE is nothing without him, and quits.
Zack Ryder and Alicia Fox are together backstage, and they’re talking to someone, who we find out in just a second is Bret Hart, about Ashton Kutcher putting a hit on him. Bret says he has more important things to deal with than Zack. Zack claims that he’s watching Bret, and then walks away. The Hart Dynasty show up next and wonder what Bret wanted to see them about. Bret says he signed the three people that attacked them last week, and he’s not going to punish them for it either. He says that even though he’s General Manager of RAW now, he can’t cut the Hart Dynasty any favors. He then says that the question the Hart Dynasty needs to ask is what they’re going to do about it.
Eve’s music hits and she is accompanied to the ring by Santino Marella. This should be entertaining…
<COMMERCIAL>
Mixed Tag Team Match: WWE Diva’s Champion Eve Torres and Santino Marella vs. Maryse and William Regal with Vladimir Kozlov
We come back to see Santino teaching Eve how to do his weird cobra thing. Eve’s music fades and Maryse’s plays. She stops about halfway down the ramp, and William Regal’s music hits, and he’s joined by Vlaidimir Kozlov. Santino takes the mic when Willaim and Vladimir get to the ring, saying that, for the love of George Lucas, Willaim Regal should get rid of the Darth Vader wannabe music. He then asks Vladimir why he comes out to the ring with Regal when the two of them could be a great tag team. He continues on to say that if Kozlov joins him, then Eve will make love to him. Kozlov looks interested for a minute before Eve says that’s not true, and Santino clarifies that Eve would love for Kozlov to join with Santino, not the other thing.
The match starts with Eve and Maryse. Or, it would, if one of them would attack the other. They stand there for about a minute, just laughing at one another. Eve finally goes at Maryse, who knees her and then Irish Whips Eve, who rolls over Maryse. Maryse then drop kicks Maryse, who moves to the corner to take Regal in. Santino is tagged in, and seems to be luring Regal in. The crowd chants for Santino, who acts a little embarrassed. Santino looks like he’s trying to do a leg sweep to Regal, who finally gets sick of him and throws Santino around, calling him a ‘bloody idiot’. He goes for the Regal Stretch, but Eve kicks him, breaking it up, and Maryse goes after her. The ref and Regal are both watching the Divas, and Kozlov comes in, chokeslamming Regal before rolling out of the ring and walking up the ramp with Maryse. Santino’s arm covers Regal, and Eve and Santino win.
Diva’s Champion Eve Torres & Santino Marella win.
Bret Hart is on his way to the ring for an important announcement concerning next week’s show!
<COMMERCIAL>
The WWE shows their annual Memorial Day package, which is dedicated to the fallen soldiers in the United States Military who died to protect the freedoms we hold dear today. Happy Memorial Day, everyone!
Justin Roberts then introduces the new General Manager of RAW, Bret “The Hitman” Hart! Bret comes to the ring and says that even though he’s only been General Manager of RAW for about a week, he’s having loads of fun. He got together with Smackdown General Manager, Theodor Long, and decided to do something special for next week! All of the Superstars from RAW and Smackdown are going to come together under one roof live next week, and it’s going to be a three hour special RAW! But, not just any special three hour RAW! The fans are going to be apart of the action. The fans can tell their ideas to Bret, and the WWE Superstars can even bring their ideas to Bret
It’s a new day… it’s a new generation…
Ted DiBiase comes out to the ring, joined by Virgil, and says that if Bret and Teddy Long are accepting suggestions, he’s got one: Make him General Manager for the night. Not guest host, but General Manager, with complete power. He says that he’s willing to pay Bret and Teddy Long whatever it takes, because, even though Bret may stand there an dlook like he’s too good to be bought, everybody has a price. Ted goes on to say that Teddy Long will be bought off easily, and the reason Bret came back to the WWE and became RAW’s General Manager was because he needed money. He says that the only thing Bret has to do to make all his problems go away is name is price.
Ashton Kutcher comes over the TitanTron with one of his pre-taped clips and tells them to wait. Before Bret gives that power to Ted DiBiase, why don’t they give that power to the fans? The only thing they have to do is make it a Viewer’s Choice, let the fans pick the matches and stipulations all across the board. Bret agrees, so next week’s RAW is not only three hours long, but is a Viewer’s Choice RAW!
No Chance… that’s what you’ve got…
Look Busy! The boss is comin’!
Vince seems rather happy tonight as he makes his way down the ramp, and Jerry Lawler points out that this is the first time we’ve seen him since Wrestlemania 26. Vince talks to Bret, asking if he got all of the violence on his heart out. Bret says mostly, and a ‘You Tapped Out’ chant starts. Vince claims he didn’t really, and tells Bret that he has to treat the WWE Universe as children, and he means that in the most complimentary way. But, what he means by that is that they can’t make the right decisions, and sometimes, you have to make the decisions for them. Bret says that he’s ready for whatever the WWE Unvierse is going to throw at him, and tells Bret that he hopes Bret’s story as General Manager has a happy ending.
Turns out Zack is still trying to figure out who his hitman is, and he’s confronted Randy Orton about it. Randy tells Zack that if he wanted to take him out, they wouldn’t be having this conversation. Alicia Fox grabs Zack’s hand and leads him away, claiming that she knows how to figure out who it is. Randy watches them go, and then the door opens slightly and then slams shut on Randy’s shoulder. Edge stands there as Randy holds his shoulder, and then steps over him and heads out like nothing happened.
<COMMERCIAL>
The Miz vs Daniel Bryan
AWESOME!! I came to play!
Miz comes to the ring first, followed by Daniel Bryan, who is still coming down to the NXT theme. There is a replay here of what happened on NXT last time, where Michael Cole confronted Daniel Bryan (who looked like his fashion sense was very Miz-inspired). Bryan says that Michael Cole isn’t a man because he can’t escape from a simple handshake. Security rushes in, and Cole slaps Bryan. Bryan chased Cole around the ring and security finally pushes him off. The pros watch as Bryan comes up, and Miz tells Bryan he should just leave, only for Bryan to get mad and punch Miz. The two go at each other, only for security to end up escorting Bryan backstage.
In the ring, Daniel quickly gains the upperhand, putting Miz in an armbar. The ref is trying to pull Daniel off. When he finally gets off, Daniel runs into the turnbuckle, and Miz gets him with a take down before he just begins wailing on Bryan, ending it with a kick to the face before going for a cover. Bryan kicks out at two. He then slaps Miz, and Miz starts wailing on him. Miz then throws Bryan into the corner before hitting him with a swinging corner clothesline. From there, Miz climbs up the turnbuckle and jumps off, driving his fists into Bryan’s shoulders and Michael Cole won’t shut up about how outraged he is by Daniel Bryan’s actions on NXT and blah blah blah. No one likes you, Cole, go find your real family. Miz keeps wailing on Bryan, who finally gains the upper hand and gets Miz in some arm bar/headlock move. Miz rolls back to cover, but Bryan moves and manages to cover Miz for the win.
Daniel Bryan wins.
After the match, Miz attacks Brian, throwing him out of the ring. Miz climbs out and kicks Bryan’s head before picking him up and taking him to the announce table, telling him to apologize to Cole. Bryan then elbows Miz’ gut before sending him flying over the announce table and into Michael Cole. Is there going to be a match with Michael Cole and Daniel Bryan next week?!
<COMMERCIAL>
Cole claims to be assaulted for the second time in less than a week, but no one besides Jerry Lawler seems to care… Actually, Jerry doesn’t even seem to care that much. A replay to last week is played where the new tag team attacks the Hart Dynasty.
We come back to RAW to see the new tag team standing the ring, saying that the whole world is tripping over them. They are Jay and Jimmy Uso, Rikishi’s twin sons, with Tamina Snuka, Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka’s daughter. They claim that the Hart Dynasty aren’t the only ones with family that run deep in the business. The Harts were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. They claim they were born and created for one purpose: Dominate!
The Hart Dynasty comes out, and Tamina and Natalya roll out of the ring. The Hart Dynasty goes for the Hart Attack, but Tamina grabs Tyson’s ankles, and turns just in time to deliver a vicious clothesline to Natalya. Tamina takes Natalya back in the ring, and the three of them perform a frog splash on all three members of the Hart Dynasty.
Still to come, the Main Event! Will Randy Orton be able to compete, or will Cena have to find a new partner?!
<COMMERCIAL>
Oh, radio, tell me everything you know…
We come back in time for Zack Ryder and Alicia Fox to come down to the ring. Zack says that he knows Ashton Kutcher put a hit out on him, and Alicia had a great idea: Come down to the ring and demand to know who it was. Because that’s not common sense or anything. Ashton comes on the TitanTron and asks if Zack wants to know who it is. Zack says yes, and Jerry Lawler starts into the ring with a chair.
Zack Ryder with Alicia Fox vs Jerry “The King” Lawler with Steel Chair
Zack seems amused that it would be Jerry, but Jerry merely sits on the chair. Ashton gets Zack’s attention again and says that it’s not Jerry. Jerry climbs out of the ring, and different music hits.
Zack Ryder with Alicia Fox vs The Great Khali
Zack and Alicia immediately climb out of the ring as Khali makes his way to the ring, alone. He climbs in, looks at them, and then raises his arms. The crowd cheers, but Ashton comes back on and says that it’s not The Great Khali either.
Zack Ryder with Alicia Fox vs Goldust
Goldust starts down the ramp and takes a breath, but Ashton says it’s not him either. Zack claims that he’s getting really paranoid, and he just wants to know who it is. Ashton says that he’ll never see it coming. Alicia grabs the mic and says something unimportant. She goes to hand it back, but they both drop it. Zack bends over to grab it, and Alicia hits him with a scissor kick. Ashton claps, confirms it was Alicia, and then we’re reminded that the first Fatal 4Way match announced will be Randy Orton vs Edge vs Sheamus vs WWE Champion John Cena for the WWE Championship. Gonna be honest, I kind of like the theme for Fatal 4Way.
Edge is back in the back, getting ready, when Sheamus shows up. Sheamus says that he saw what Edge did to Orton and he liked it. He heard what Edge said earlier, and Edge was right: He’s nothing like Sheamus, and they don’t trust one another. Edge says if they’re smart, they can weaken Cena like he weakened Randy. Sheamus says that if Edge takes advantage of something at Sheamus’ expense, it’ll be the last mistake Edge ever makes.
<COMMERCIAL>
WWE Classics honors The Junkyard Dog this week, who died in 1998 in a car accident. Next week, RAW will be hosted by the cast of The A-Team!! Don’t forget, next week also starts at 8/7 PM Eastern/Central and is a Viewer’s Choice! During RAW, go to WWE.com to cast your opinion!
Edge and Sheamus vs WWE Champion John Cena and …??
You think you know me…
Edge makes his way to the ring followed by Sheamus, though neither of which looks like they actually trust one another.
Brrrrrrrr… SHABADOOOO!!!!
John Cena comes out with the WWE Championship and a mic. He says that he has unfortunate news: Since Edge decided to take out Randy Orton’s shoulder, Randy will be unable to compete. He says that Edge had a good plan to try to leave him short-handed, but Edge didn’t count on one thing: Every Superstar backstage hates Sheamus and Edge, so Cena could have anyone he wanted as a partner. He says that the partner he picked was a human wrecking ball, and had a particular beef with Edge.
Edge and Sheamus vs WWE Champion John Cena and Evan Bourne
I was really excited to see that Evan was getting his chance tonight, and he did prove to me, at least, that he can pull of main events. Anyway, Cena and Edge start. They lock up, and Edge knees Cena in the gut before punching him in the head. The then bounces John off the turnbuckle and punches him in the head again as Cena falls. Edge Irish Whips Cena, who gives Edge a bulldog, and then tags in Evan. Evan gives Edge some pretty solid kicks, and then takes Edge down. Edge shoves Evan to the mat, then Irish Whips him, only for Edge to counter with a hurricanrana. Evan then hits a standing dropkick, followed by a twisting drop kick which knocks Edge out of the ring.
<COMMERCIAL>
When we come back, Cena is beating Sheamus down. Cena Irish Whips Sheamus across the ring and then tags in Evan. Evan launches himself across the ring at Sheamus and then covers, but Sheamus kicks out at two. Evan continues hitting Sheamus with a series of kicks aimed at his thighs before Sheamus knocks him down. Sheamus then picks Evan up and runs him into the turnbuckle, hitting his back before tagging in Edge. Edge elbows Evan down, stomping on him before laying him partially out of the ring. He kicks his head and then elbows him out onto the floor. He gets Evan back in before tagging in Sheamus, who lifts Evan up for a suplex. Evan brings his knees down, hitting Sheamus in the head. As soon as Evan’s feet hit the mat, he’s kicking Sheamus’ thighs again. He tries to jump to Cena, but Sheamus catches him and throws him away from his corner, where he clotheslines Evan, and ten goes for a cover. Evan kicks out at two.
Sheamus drops a knee on Evan’s face before stepping on Evan and tagging Edge in. Edge kicks Evan’s side, then hurls Evan across the ring into the turnbuckle. He goes for a cover, but Evan kicks out at two. Evan manages to gain a little momentum here, but Edge then kicks him in the face and goes for another cover. Again, Evan kicks out at two. Edge puts Evan in a headlock, but Evan manages to fight out and hit an insigari on Edge, leaving both of them motionless for a moment in the ring, tagging their partners in before the ref can hit six on the count.
Sheamus gets hit with a few shoulder blocks before Cena drops him and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle. He lifts Sheamus for the Attitude Adjustment, but Sheamus manages to counter and slam Cena to the ground. Sheamus goes for his kick, but Cena moves. Evan jumps up, managing to kick Sheamus in the head. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment, and then Edge goes for a Spear, instead hitting the turnbuckle. Cena tags Evan in, and Evan hits Air Bourne before covering Sheamus for the win.
WWE Champion John Cena & Evan Bourne win!
Overall Thoughts: Overall, it was a pretty good RAW. Once again, the guest host segment was retarded, and I was a little disappointed that Ashton Kutcher’s segments were all pre-filmed instead of it all being live. But, the main event had some good action, and I’m glad that Evan got a push to the main event. Next week, I’ll be in class for about the first… half hour of RAW or so, but I’ll see if I can’t get a summary from a friend or something for ya. Also, next week is the return of the BWF Tweets!! Use the hashtag #BWF on Twitter to get your tweets in the review!! Seeya next week!
Holy crap, it’s a trifecta of ThinkSoJoE goodness this week! Perhaps I’ll do a “ThinkSoJoE’s Thoughts” column this weekend and make it four! I do have a lot to talk about this week, so that’s always a possibility. Anyways, I watched SmackDown earlier, and hadn’t gotten online to get the message that Drow wouldn’t be here this week until just now, so I’ll do my best to relate to you what happened on tonight’s show. And if my memory is fuzzy, there’s always YouTube…
I was sick yesterday and I’m just now sitting down to watch SmackDown. So we’re gonna do things a little differently this week – I’m going to watch the show, and I’ll post my thoughts and the match results afterwards. Ready? Here we go.
