Greetings, fellow line-crossers!
Your Empress of “Impact” is here, with a review of tonight’s go-home show and predictions for Sunday’s “Sacrifice” pay-per-view. Tonight’s episode is titled “Double J in Jeopardy.” Will the TNA Founder remember to phrase the answer in the form of a question? Let’s find out!
Greetings, line crossers!
Apologies for the lateness of this report. I started it on time, I swear! The hellish nightmare that is the end of a school year plus an obscenely lengthy commute equals not enough time for writing prior to the weekend. Much like the film career of Kurt Angle, though, it will all be over soon. Tonight’s episode is titled “Nightmare at the Asylum.” The jokes write themselves, don’t they? Onward!
It’s Thursday night, your Empress of “Impact” is here, and that can only mean one thing. No, not THAT! It’s time to find the nearest line and cross it!
Apologies for the lateness. Yesterday was rough. Let’s pretend it’s still Sunday night, and cross the line!
Pre-show:
Eric Young vs. Danny Bonaduce
Danny Bonaduce actually looked fairly legit and cool, although someone should point out that having a motorcycle with skull-themed artwork does not automatically make the motorcycle’s owner a man to be feared. Way too many close-ups of that. Still, the whole “free pre-show” idea is a sound one, and TNA should look into doing it more often. This particular match may not have sold any ppvs, but the idea itself isn’t bad.Bonaduce busted out a set of nunchuku, and spun them all around. Don West pointed out that Bonaduce is actually a third-degree black belt. Bonaduce attempts some skullduggery with his nunchuku, but Young rolls him up and gets the pin in less than four minutes. The post-match doings were the bigger deal. Bonaduce shook Young’s hand, and Young turned his back on Bonaduce to leave. No. No, Eric. Bonaduce attacked him from behind, causing Rhino to rush the ring and plant Bonaduce with a Gore! Gore! I Voted for Gore! Putting this match on the pre-show made sense, if they were going to do it at all, but in the end, the hype seemed too great for a Rhino run-in to be the high point of everything. This match actually got more hype than the three-way IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Tag Team title match, so it just seemed unfulfilling.
Winner: Eric Young
We meet Dixie Carter on tv for the first time. JB points out that TNA is not owned and operated by an egotistical billionaire businessman, they are, in fact, owned and operated by an attractive mother of two from Dallas, Texas. Dixie came off well, very sweet and down-to-earth, sincerely thanking the fans and talking about what the company means to her. That she’s nice to look at (if you’re into the MILFy kind of thing) didn’t hurt. Please don’t make her an on-air character! On to the main show!
Christopher Daniels and AJ Styles arrive together. Samoa Joe and Jeff Jarrett are nowhere to be seen. In contrast, the Main Event Mafia arrives (mostly) together.
The Smashing Pumpkins song (“Bullets with Butterfly Wings”) plays again. Billy Corgan speaks the lyrics rather than singing them, and adds a line about “still just a rat in a steel cage.” Nice!
Match #1: X-scape match for the X-Division Championship Suicide defends against Sheik Abdul Bashir, Kiyoshi, Consequences Creed, and “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal
For those with no previous X-scape match experience, wrestlers are eliminated via pinfall or submission until two remain. Then, the first man to climb out of the cage and land both feet on the floor wins. A perfectly sound concept. Referring to this match as a “fun” match with “some decent spots” isn’t really fair. A solid story was being told, as in this particular match, the champion was on his own, and the four challengers were actually two tag teams. Suicide did a neat “appearing in the center of the ring” entrance instead of flying in. Shaking up his entrance really helps the character, particularly before it can get stale. Jay Lethal eliminates Kiyoshi at between three and four minutes in with a top rope elbow drop, followed by a double-pin from Lethal and Creed. Lethal and Creed are extremely sloppy. Kiyoshi is better than this. Bashir plants Creed with the WMDDT (That’s one of the most ignorant, pointless, STUPID names for a finishing move ever! It isn’t a clever play on words. It’s just dumb.), and eliminates him. Now the team factor is gone, and Bashir and Lethal must go after Suicide on their own. Lethal squares off with Suicide, but is hit with the Suicide Solution. Bashir throws Suicide into the cage and steals the pin on Lethal, eliminating him at almost eight minutes in. Down to champion Suicide and challenger Bashir. Bashir tries to get out through the cage door, but Suicide is having none of it. Both men climb to the top of the cage. Suicide headbutts Bashir and causes him to fall, but not to the floor. Kiyoshi runs out and tries to climb the cage and stop Suicide, but several security members restrain him. Suicide looks down at Bashir, who is almost to the floor, and makes a beautiful “Suicide Dive” onto Kiyoshi and the security guards to hit the ground first.
Winner and still X-Division Champion: Suicide
Match #2: “Queen of the Cage” match
Sojo Bolt vs. Madison Rayne vs. ODB vs. Daffney
The one problem with this match is that Daffney was the only one actually wrestling in it. Super cool look for Daffney, both in ring gear and make-up. Everyone piles on ODB at first, but she’s not even brawling in the style in which we know she can. She’s a cartoon character, even more so than she was before. Cody Deaner pours the liquid from the flask into ODB’s mouth, and she cleans house. Actually, she mostly slaps her own butt and boobs, but that’s neither here nor there. Don Wests complains that if ODB isn’t going to share with everyone, she shouldn’t be allowed to drink from the flask during matches because it isn’t fair. Pretty funny. At one point, ODB is down long enough for Daffney to outwrestle everyone else, and nearly pins Rayne and Bolt. Another flask shot sees ODB hulk up, spit the flask’s contents into the eyes of Sojo Bolt, hit Bolt with a power slam, and get the pin. ODB and Cody Deaner celebrate. TNA gets rid of Sonjay Dutt, Jimmy Rave, and Petey Williams and brings in Cody Deaner. Cross the line….
Winner and “Queen of the Cage”: ODB
Jeff Jarrett arrives alone. Tension!
Match #3: IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Tag Team Championship Title match
Motor City Machine Guns defend against No Limit and LAX
Regardless of who actually held the belts, there should have been more focus on this match. It’s hard to buy into the whole “international prestige” of titles from another company in another country, when you yourself (TNA) haven’t made that big of a deal out of them. A few short promos and/or video clips would have done wonders for this match. Show some clips from the matches where each team won gold, explain why they’re all fighting, and so on. LAX holds tag team gold in Puerto Rico. The Motor City Machine Guns hold tag team gold from Japan. No Limit used to hold the titles that the MCMG now hold, and want them back. This could have been “International Tag Team Domination,” for lack of a better term. I know. There was no time. If it was going on the ppv, time should have been made.
Some people seem to delight in referring to any TNA match not involving established main-eventers as “a fun little match with the usual cool spots,” or some variation thereof. This implies that no psychology, no storytelling, and no coherent plan are taking place. The aforementioned description does not apply to this match. “Texas Tornado” rules apply, which means that all six guys will be in the ring at once, and no tags have to be made. The big story here was both No Limit and MCMG going after Hernandez and trying to incapacitate him. This plan doesn’t work so well. Hernandez sends Sabin into the cage with a huge shoulder block. Ouch! Shelley and Sabin eventually try to double-team Hernandez with a suplex, but he reverses it and suplexes both of them instead. Hernandez is soon beaten down, and thrown into a corner, where every other guy takes at least one turn hitting him with a running clothesline. The double-team action can’t be done justice by trying to call it, so watch the match, already! All three teams look solid and strong throughout. At one point, Hernandez Cracker Jacks Sabin into the cage, and Sabin comes down head-first and painfully. Seriously, it looked bad, and I hope he’s ok. Shelley gets Border Tossed into the cage, and fares slightly less terribly than his partner. While the MCMG are down, LAX and No Limit go. Yujiro has Homicide on the top turnbuckle for something, but Hernandez gets Yujiro on his shoulders, and Homicide hits him with an Ace Crusher. The recovered MCMG take out Hernandez, and slam Naito from the top turnbuckle with the Made in Detroit combination. One! Two! Three! YES! It’s true! Don West actually says that now, TNA has to start considering the MCMG for a shot at the TNA tag team titles and a place in the division. Oh, ya think????
Winners and still IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Tag Team Champions: the Motor City Machine Guns
Match #4: “Doomsday Chamber of Blood” match
Abyss vs. Matt Morgan
In this match, the object is to make the opponent bleed, then he can be pinned or made to submit. Fair enough. I’m not a fan of these types of matches, so I can’t really say how it compares with others of the kind. After punching chairs and such, Morgan opens up Abyss first. Abyss can now be pinned or made to submit. Morgan only gets a two-count. Morgan opens a bag of glass, and tries to drive Abyss’s head into it. Then Morgan tries to stab Abyss in the head with a shard of glass. Abyss sends Morgan into the cage, then choke slams him, but since Morgan isn’t bleeding, the referee refuses to count it. Abyss cuts Morgan’s forehead open with glass. Both guys can now be pinned or made to submit. Dr. Stevie comes out, and is finally publicly revealed as Stevie Richards. He takes a chair away from Abyss, and yells at him not to engage in violence with weapons. Morgan uses this opportunity to hit Abyss with the Carbon Footprint, but only gets a two-count. Abyss gets a bag of thumbtacks from under the ring. Stevie tells him not to. Stevie takes off his jacket, enters the ring, and slaps Abyss around like a little bitch. Morgan low-blows Abyss while Abyss argues with Stevie, then plants Abyss on the thumbtacks with a spine buster for the win. Stevie gets his jacket and leaves. Curious as to where this is going. Not down on it, but curious.
Winner: Matt Morgan
Match #5: Knockouts Championship Title match
Awesome Kong defends against Taylor Wilde and Angelina Love
Velvet Sky and Raisha Saeed are at ringside. Angelina Love looks terrified after Kong advances on her, which is totally the thing to do. People were really into Kong, which is nice to see. This was brute power (Kong) against technical prowess and sneakiness (Angelina Love) against vaguely high-flying (Taylor Wilde). Storywise, a good idea. Taylor Wilde just isn’t that good. Angelina is much better in the ring and it shows. If you need one good reason to watch this match, Awesome Kong does a somersault splash from the top turnbuckle. Read that last line again. Awesome Kong. Somersault splash. Top turnbuckle. Yes, I was sober at the time. Great moment when Angelina tied what was left of Kong’s braids to the cage wall, with the help of Velvet Sky. Raisha Saeed tried to untie them, but ends up chasing Velvet Sky around the ring. Taylor Wilde has Angelina Love in a rear chinlock hold, but Kong kicks out at Wilde, allowing Love to roll Wilde over and get the pin on her.
Winner and new Knockouts Champion: Angelina Love
Match #6: Tag Team Domination match (IWGP Heavyweight Tag Team titles vs. TNA Tag Team titles, winners take all)
Team 3-D (IWGP Heavyweight Tag Team Champions) vs. Beer Money (TNA Tag Team Champions)
The rest of the wrestling world may disagree, but the wrong team won. For months now, the build has been just about perfect. Beer Money won matches. Team 3-D won matches. Beer Money are the TNA tag team champions for a long period of time. Team 3-D win the IWGP Heavyweight Tag Team titles in Japan. Mutual respect. Wanting to know for sure who is the best. A great sit-down interview with Tenay. Lots of “Rough Cuts” packages on Team 3-D. The last-minute destruction of mutual respect, even to the point of echoing Team 3-D’s own line, “Because we can!” Near-constant promos, video packages, and vignettes about Team 3-D. This was the absolutely perfect “pass the torch” moment. They didn’t do it. Just about every odd that could be stacked against Beer Money had been spelled out. There was no way that they could beat Team 3-D in Philly, therefore having them do so would have been the perfect thing to do. Too much has been made about the Philly fans. What? Would they have burned down the building if Team 3-D had lost? Sure, you eventually have to give the people what they want. Eventually. When the time is right and it suits the story being told. To have Beer Money lose this match, regardless of how strong they looked in it, defies good storytelling and long-term planning. Did Team 3-D need this win? No. Was Team 3-D in dire need of getting over? No. Where does the tag team division go from here? Does Team 3-D retire and allow the “young guys” to have a tournament to claim the vacated titles? Oh, that’s ever so much more effective than actually having Beer Money defeat a legendary tag team on their own. Beer Money defeating Team 3-D in their adopted hometown, and at their own game, in front of the oh-so-terrifyingly bloodthirsty Philly fans was exactly what should have happened, and that it didn’t is quite simply wrong.
Winners and still IWGP Heavyweight Tag Team Champions and new TNA Tag Team Champions: Team 3D
Match #7: “Lethal Lockdown” match
Team Angle (Kurt Angle, Scott Steiner, Booker T, and Kevin Nash) vs. Team Jarrett (Jeff Jarrett, AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, and Samoa Joe)
Who was Joe talking to? By many accounts, it’s Tazz, which would be awesome. However, how many “mentors” does Samoa Joe need? We saw how well it worked out with Kevin Nash. The concept of “Lethal Lockdown” isn’t bad, but there were just too many bodies in the cage. A three-on-three match may have worked better. The AJ/Angle bit on the top was scary nice, and AJ’s landing looked pretty bad. This was not a bad match. It was simply too crowded, and the guys on Team Jarrett were limited in their movesets because of the cage. The Jarrett saga continues very nicely, and the chair shot to AJ looked completely accidental. Don West jumped all over it, which was great. Jarrett teasing the guitar shot to his own team, and then hitting Team Angle was ok, but it really gave off the vibe that Team Jarrett would not have won on their own. Again, the whole “We can’t do anything without Jarrett the Great to lead us!” only undermines the former Front Line even more. It was like, “Here, young guys, I am giving you this victory with this guitar shot.” Still, the drama of Jarrett’s true feelings has to keep going, and this was as good a way as any to do it. The appearance of Bobby Lashley as a possible ally of Angle and new member of the Main Event Mafia did nothing for me, but he is a former World Champion, and meets the membership requirements. I personally do not and have never cared for Lashley, and would just as soon he were not there, but the audience in Philly seemed pretty excited about his appearance. We shall see where this goes.
Winners: Team Jarrett
Match #8: TNA World Heavyweight Championship title match
Sting defends against Mick Foley
Wow. I truly did not think that Foley would win this one. Things will definitely get interesting now, as the fallout from this title win could go in many directions and covers quite a lot of ground. The match itself was quite good. Yes, they’re both old and slow. And? That was the whole point, that this could be the last match for either one of them. Foley’s Gollum/Smeagol changes during the match were great, like making sure that the cage door was properly locked at the start of the match, and then demanding that the door be opened later after Sting had taken out his left leg. Kicking the camera man through the camera hole and trying to get out that way was certainly novel. Pulling the barbed wire bat through the hole was also a nice touch. Sting went after Foley with the bat repeatedly, which raised the question of just how far into Foley’s world Sting was willing to descend. Did anyone expect Foley to win? It’s certainly intriguing. And isn’t that the point?
Winner and new TNA World Heavyweight Champion: Mick Foley
FINAL THOUGHTS: Several of the other sites that I’ve visited are practically crowing about how feedback on “Lockdown” has been almost universally negative. If so, it’s not deserved. The only truly bad match in terms of wrestling was the “Queen of the Cage” match, and that’s only because three of the four women were not actually wrestling. Sting and Foley were slow, yes. So only legends currently employed by WWE can have good matches? Enough with the TNA bashing just because it’s TNA, already! Honestly, if the Sting/Foley match had happened in a WWE ring, people would be saying almost across the board that while it wasn’t as good as HBK/Taker, it told a very solid story, the ending was a huge surprise, and the two old guys can still go pretty well, all things considered. You know it. I know it. The American people know it. Foley’s title reign is not the doom of TNA, and does not harken back to the dying days of WCW, and does not prove that there is no hope for the company. Quite the opposite, in fact. I paid for “Lockdown,” and don’t feel ripped off. I actually enjoyed most of it.
Join us later this week for “Impact” Impressions and the fallout from “Lockdown!”
Peace out,
Drowgoddess
This is the go-home show for “Lockdown.” Can TNA successfully convince us to shell out our hard-earned cash (or three hours of our lives and sore backsides) on their pay-per-view offering? Let’s find out.
Better late than never, right?
Right?
Oh, just go with it, people!
This past week’s “Impact” just so happened to fall on my birthday, which was pretty cool. What was not in the least bit cool was my lack of internet connection, preventing me from joining in the combination “Impact”/birthday thread, and getting a review for this site posted in a timely manner. Hey, it could be worse. At least this isn’t a site that waits almost a full week to post a review of the previous week’s show. But I digress.
Let’s cross that line, people! Assuming that you’re sober enough to find it in the first place.
We open with a video package detailing several of the ongoing storylines. Foley’s “First Blood” match is pushed heavily. This week’s “Dragonball Z”-esque title is “Who’s Calling the Shots?” Mike Tenay and Don West talk up the Booker T vs. Samoa Joe match later in the program that determines which team gets the advantage in the “Lethal Lockdown” match. As closely as I follow this, I’m still not clear on what precisely that advantage is. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
To the ring! It’s the Main Event Mafia. And their group entrance music. Kurt Angle leads, flanked by his personal security team. Booker T and Sharmell are not amongst the group. Sting is last in line. Sting asks Jeff Jarrett to join him in the ring. Somehow, we know he will. Jarrett’s music plays, and The Founder of TNA (drink) hits the ring. The TNA World Heavyweight Champion is not happy. Sting complains that Mick Foley pulled rank over Jeff Jarrett last week by booking Sting in a “warm-up” match against Samoa Joe. Since Sting is facing Foley at the upcoming “Lockdown” ppv, that’s hardly fair. Jarrett has business to conduct, and really doesn’t need Sting getting up in his face about this. Jarret tries to leave the ring, but Sting stops him. Sting just wants to hear from Jarrett’s own lips whether or not Foley is calling the shots now. Jarret tells Sting that Foley is not calling the shots, that The King of the Mountain is running the show. Sting is pleased, and says that he’s glad to know that he’s dealing with the man in charge. If he had to have a warm-up match for the ppv booked by Foley, it’s only right that this week, Sting gets to book Foley in a warm-up match as well. Scott Steiner tells Jarrett that he could take another road, the joining the MEM road. Jarrett says that such a thought is not even an option. Steiner wants to go backstage and discuss it. However, before Jarrett can say anything to such a proposition, the MEM is interrupted by-
THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS!!!!! (birthday present #1)
The Guns are sporting thier IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Tag Team Championship title belts. The ones that get almost no mention or focus? Yes, those belts. Alex Shelley has a mic. Shelley tells Sting and Jarrett that they were in the back, busily playing “Resident Evil V” and “Street Fighter IV” on the X-box, when they heard that Sting wanted someone to fight Mick Foley. Shelley is pretty sure that Foley runs TNA, and says so. He offers up the services of the MCMG for hire, and challenges Foley to a handicap match against himself and Chris Sabin. Shelley brings up the Turkey Bowl from last November, and calls it the worst, most humiliating day of his career. Because of Mick Foley, he was forced to wear a turkey suit that smelled like burnt hair on national television. He has thought about that moment every day since, and has quietly bided his time for a chance to get even with Foley. This is that chance.
Side note: Why didn’t we see a replay of Alex Shelley being forced into the turkey suit? Some people watching probably never even saw it. We all know that we’re watching a show. It’s not as if it’s a suspension of disbelief that the video footage of such a thing would be available to air at a moment’s notice. Shelley and Sabin could even have (gasp) been allowed enough promo time to introduce the clip themselves, and react to seeing it again appropriately.
In any case, Sting approves, and Jarrett grants the match. Regardless of the circumstances, the MCMG are in the main event against Mick Foley! (birthday present #2) Shocking and miraculous as it may seem, Kurt Angle did not talk during this entire thing! A trend? HAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, I know, but still!
To the back! Jeremy Borash asks Mick Foley his thoughts on the handicap match. Foley laughs about the whole thing, and refers to the MCMG as “white meat babyfaces.” Um, ok. He goes on to talk about “tweaking” the match, but leaves before JB can get an explanation out of him.
To the back! JB is with Foley and Jarrett. Foley is in bizarro mode, and thanks Jarrett for the match, but wants to “tweak” it a little. He continues to annoy Jarrett before leaving. JB asks Jarrett if something is bothering him, but Scott Steiner enters, and Jarrett kicks JB out. Hmm.
Match #1: Sheik Abdul Bashir (w/ Kiyoshi and Team No Limit) defeats Suicide [non-title match]: When did this happen? Did Bashir and the entire Japanese contingent get thrown together simply because they’re all brown, and would therefore naturally want to hang out? The only one who has clearly and consistently been a heel is Bashir. Could we at least get some kind of explanation? It’s already been established that the Japanese guys don’t speak English (thank you , Kurt Angle), so how would Bashir be able to talk to them? I’m just sayin’. The match itself went about four minutes. Not that it mattered, as Tenay and West talked about the Main Event Mafia the whole time. Can’t we hook them up to shock collars and zap them when they do that? Please? Nice tactics of No Limit attacking Suicide on the floor while the ref was distracted, and Kiyoshi sneaking into the ring to kick Suicide. Bashir DDTs Suicide onto the X-Division title belt for the win, which was nice. The lights go out, and Suicide vanishes by the time they come up again. Suicide appears to be getting a much bigger reaction than he was, so many question the wisdom of having him lose matches right now. It wasn’t a clean one-on-one loss, though. The super hero video game character has a chink in the armor, and if a group of guys can take him down, it makes the X-scape match at “Lockdown” more compelling because they’ve established the possibility that he CAN lose.
To the back! The Beautiful People and Madison Rayne (I refuse to call them by their sorority name of “Mi Pi Sexy”) are walking. With scissors. Ah, the jokes write themselves, don’t they?
To the back! Navy veteran Jesse Neal is with Rhino. Rhino does most of the talking. From everything that I’ve read, the story is true, and not a pathetic attempt by TNA creative to play the emotional patriotism card. Neal was on the USS Cole when it was attacked by terrorists in Yemen. That was how he lost a close friend who had shared his love of wrestling. He wants to wrestle, and every match will be in memory of his friend. Rhino says that he’ll be honored to train him. In real life, Neal trains at Team 3D’s school. Either way, he’s a former Navy guy who is legitimately training to wrestle. Good for him. Unfortunately, does anyone else see a collision course between Neal and Rhino and Bashir and the Japanese contingent? As much as I hope they don’t….
To the announce table! Tenay and West talk about upcoming events. For some reason, they think that anyone will actually give two tugs of a dead dog’s cock that “Survivor: Amazon” winner Jenna Moresca will be at the “Lockdown” fan convention. More importantly, The Beautiful People and Madison Rayne jump Raisha Saeed in the back, pull off her head covering, and cut off some of her hair. Saeed’s back stays turned to the camera at all times, so her face is never shown. I guess Kong and Saeed are official faces now.
To the “Rough Cuts” segment! Team 3D talks about their wrestling academy. They congratulate themselves profusely for passing the torch to the next generation and training new guys when lots of veterans won’t. It was a nice package, but I’m sorry, do you want a cookie? There’s quite a lot of self-congratulation going on in TNA amongst the “veteran” crowd about how they put over the younger guys, bring up the next generation, and so on, and that’s just not true. Yes, Team 3D and Beer Money are doing very well. Yes, Mick Foley seems to be keen on working with the Motor City Machine Guns, to a degree. Not much else can be said. Team 3D and the rest of the “veteran” crew will truly be worthy of the accolades they bestow upon themselves when they are no longer the focus of the show. The end.
To the Mike Tenay sit-down interview! Sting tells the story of Mick Foley losing an ear in Germany. He goes on to say that there would be no coming back for him from a major injury this time, and plays up Foley’s unpredictability. This was long, but one of the better Sting promos. He never was a good talker, but his recent TNA work has been the best of his career.
To the back! Lauren rips Abyss a new one for taking the abuse heaped upon him last week by Dr. Stevie. Is she really his girlfriend now? She finally agrees not to report Dr. Stevie, but next week, she’s attending Abyss’s therapy session with him, and Dr. Stevie is going to know everything! Is anyone else uncertain as to what that means?
To the ring! It’s Mick Foley. “To tweak or not to tweak? That is the question.” Ah, Mickles, you kill me! He holds up the work in progress that is his next book, “Crossing the Line.” He decided to tweak the match tonight because of what was in this notebook. Two of his sons, Dewey and Huey (please tell me that someone else thought, “Where’s Louie?”), wanted to look like the Motor City Machine Guns, specifically with haircuts like Alex Shelley. A birthday card with drawings of the MCMG and birthday messages is shown. Foley shows a picture of his younger son with long, golden hair. He says that he went away on the road for a few days, and he came back to see his son sporting an Alex Shelley haircut. A photo confirming this is shown. Foley makes the main event match a “First Blood” match because he wants to make sure that no child ever wants to look anything like Alex Shelley ever again. Tonight, he’s going to carve that kid up like a Thanksgiving turkey. He has tried to keep his home a “Machine Gun-free zone,” and Ted Nugent wouldn’t even want these Guns around. The whole promo was very effective and well-done. Foley came off as angry that his kids idolized someone other than him, and the idea of slaughtering your kids’ heroes because they’re your kids’ heroes is rather heelish. Hopefully, that’s the point they’re going for.
To the back! JB asks the MEM about Sharmell. In case anyone forgot, Samoa Joe walked out of the arena with Sharmell slung over his shoulder. Booker T sits mournfully in a chair, his voice taking a serious tone and nearly breaking. After his very public admission that he uses his TNA television time as free audition time for Hollywood, taking anything that he says on the show seriously is impossible. Today, Mr. BT Huffman (thanks SABUISGOD!) is going for the bereaved parent/spouse role, possibly along the lines of Sean Penn in “Mystic River.” Sharmell hasn’t been the same since Joe took her out of the arena. She hasn’t said a word, and he has no idea what happened. Tonight, what Booker T does to Joe will be left up to Joe’s imagination. Booker leaves, appropriately distressed. Kurt Angle speaks for the first time tonight (GASP!). He says that the match won’t be about the advantage for the “Lethal Lockdown” match. He’s going to the ring with Booker, and if Joe wants to unleash the Nation of Violence, he can unleash it on Angle.
To the back! AJ Styles offers to come to the ring with Joe to balance out Angle. Joe tells AJ that, as far as AJ is concerned, his Nation of Violence is a Nation of One. Joe walks away, but AJ’s sarcastic response of “Oh, really?” rings out loud and clear.
Match #2: Samoa Joe defeats Booker T: This match didn’t even go two minutes. I’m perfectly ok with that. Booker is distracted and distraught. Joe is psychopathic. Why shouldn’t it go like that? Angle trips up Joe and hands Booker a chair, but AJ runs in and pulls the chair away from Angle before attacking him. Joe looked not at all pleased that AJ had shown up. Team Angle and TEam Jarrett are now tied at 1-1 for the “Lethal Lockdown” advantage. Whatever that is.
To the amusement park! Cody Deaner and ODB are on a date. Painfully horrible stuff. They meet a guy in a Woody Woodpecker costume. They played with balls. Yes, all this for some “pecker and balls” jokes. ODB kisses Deaner on the cheek at the end, and he completely flips out. Please end this now.
To the “Rough Cuts” segment! Another look at Team 3D. They talk about the greatest tag teams in history, and the titles that they’ve won in other companies.
To the back! Kevin Nash hits on Jenna Moresca. Again. Ok, wait. So you’re telling me that if I win a reality tv show by getting naked for snack food, pose naked in a magazine, and claim to be a lifelong wrestling fan, I’ll get signed to a contract where I get paid more than real wrestlers to train to actually wrestle in the ring, and get put in a romantic storyline with my favorite wrestler? Where do I sign up???
To the back! Speaking of, Lauren interviews the MCMG. More talk of video games. Shelley announces that they’re so confident that they’ll walk out of this match victorious, that they’ll put their IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Tag Team Championship title belts on the line. Foley can have them if he beats them. Shelley knows that Mick can barely get out of bed in the morning, and they aren’t at all concerned. Chris Sabin gets the mic, and the future Mr. Drowgoddess says that they are going to do what they do best, make a name for themselves. Yes.
Match #3: James Storm (w/ Robert Roode) defeats Scott Steiner (w/ Kevin Nash) by DQ: Why exactly this match happened is anyone’s guess. Team 3D came out to do commentary. Towards the end of the match, Nash interferes and hits Storm with Steiner’s massive pipe (that looks so wrong when I type it), causing a DQ. Team 3D rushes the ring and chases off the Main Event Mafia. More mutual respect between Team 3D and Beer Money.
To the back! The Beautiful People are on their golden thrones. JB asks them about the match tonight. Angelina Love wants to be the Number One Contender to the Knockouts title. Raisha Saeed won’t make the match tonight, as they left her in a pool of her own blood, hair, and vomit. Hold on, did I miss something? I watched it, and I saw hair. No blood, no vomit. Angelina Love is such a dirty pirate hooker. She says untrue things.
Match #4: Awesome Kong defeats Madison Rayne and Velvet Sky: This was supposed to be a tag team match, and it became a handicap match. Fair enough. Not even two minutes did it go. Kong pins Velvet Sky, but Angelina Love runs down and the trio attempts to cut Kong’s hair. They fail, and Taylor Wilde makes the save. No one, I repeat, NO ONE should have to make a save for Awesome Kong.
To the back! JB asks Jarrett what’s going on with Steiner behind closed doors. Jarrett tells JB that it’s none of his business. However, next week, a former TNA champion will turn up for the deciding match in the “Lethal Lockdown” advantage series. The advantage is to have an extra man in the cage when the match starts. Ah, I see. This unknown personage will face Kevin Nash. Please try to control your hysterical laughter. I know. It’s difficult.
To the ring! Sting gets a full entrance as “Special Enforcer.” Special like the Olympics.
Match #5: The Motor City Machine Guns defeat Mick Foley in a “First Blood” match: Oh. My. God. Not only were they in the main event, they technically got a victory. YES! *”Hallelujah Chorus” plays* Foley brought his barbed-wire baseball bat to the ring, and action started off between Foley and Shelley. They end up on the floor outside, where Sabin hits a sweet missile drop kick from the apron on Foley, causing him to crash most painfully. Beautiful double suicide dive from the Guns, sending Foley into the barricade. We go to a commercial break here. When we return, it’s Foley and Sabin in the ring. Shelley hits Foley with a flying forearm. Another Sabin missile drop kick, and stereo enziguris. Shelley is in. From the apron, Sabin makes the Sting battle cry and pounds his chest like an angry gorilla. Sting is angry at this mockery, and the future Mr. Drowgoddess is yanked from the apron and planted on the floor with a Scorpion Death Drop. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Foley hits Shelley with the double-arm DDT, pulls out Mr. Socko, and shoves it down Shelly’s throat. When Foley pulls the sock back, it has blood on it. The referee tries to call for the bell, but Foley won’t allow it. He grabs the mic and says that this little bit isn’t what he promised, or what he’s going to deliver. “Shelley, I’m going to make you suffer.” Foley goes for his barbed-wire baseball bat, and is about to smash Shelley in the groin with it, but Sting steps up and slams a steel chair into Foley’s head. Foley is busted open, and Sting makes the ref declare the MCMG the winners of the match. This is just before Foley and Sting brawl out on the floor.
Yes, I know that we’re lucky to get what we got. Yes, I know that nothing more should be expected. That the MCMG were really pawns in the Sting/Foley feud is not surprising. It just makes them look incredibly weak that they couldn’t beat Foley without help from Sting, who basically handed them the match victory. Alex Shelley has been singled out from the beginning as the problem child, and the person who has issues with Foley, and Chris Sabin is just kind of there. If the MCMG are going to be treated as a unit, everything can’t be Alex Shelley’s fault. It’s a minor thing, but it needs addressing. The top three matches for “Lockdown” are looking very good. One can’t really fault the build for Sting/Foley, Team 3D/Beer Money, or the “Lethal Lockdown” match. The rest of the card seems haphazard and thrown together. Even if it isn’t, it hasn’t been addressed well on television. There’s one more week to make us want to buy “Lockdown.” Let’s see what TNA comes up with.
Peace out,
Drowgoddess
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The time for mysterious notes are over.
Have you ever wondered that your wrestling week, just doesnt seem complete? I mean, there’s RAW on Mondays, ECW Tuesdays, iMPACT Thursdays, Smackdown! Fridays, the new ROH show on Saturdays and a Pay-Per View on Sunday. Why is there nothing wrestling-related happening on Wednesdays? Well, here at BWF, things have changed. Your Wednesday night fix has arrived!
BWF’s newest columnist is here to save those from complete and utter boredom, and to give you about ten minutes of 100% dribble, as I, ramble on, about the comings and goings, the world, not just in the wrestling business, but outside it as well.
As you can tell, I’m not the best with intros, so let’s get right down to business.
TNA Lockdown
This PPV will have Sting and Mick Foley main eventing, with the TNA Championship on the line. Now, didnt Jeff Jarrett, say several weeks ago, that he wanted to push young, up and coming talent, and create new stars for TNA? Then why are two guys, who made names for themselves somewhere else, wrestling for the world title, instead of these “up and coming” stars you say you have? It’s about time, that you stop relying on known stars that will get you your 1.1 rating, and start taking chances on guys that havent received their shot.
Danny Bonaduce vs Eric Young? Are you f*cking serious? Even though Eric Young sucks, he must’ve pissed Kurt Angle off real bad to get drawn this rubbish. I mean, come on, he’s wrestling a guy, who was a child star in the Partridge Family, and now, had a reality show about him, in which the only thing it was good for, was watching Joel McHale on E!’s ‘The Soup’, take the piss out of it each week. Bonaduce is washed up, why are TNA even bringing this guy in? Do they think that Danny Bonaduce = buyrates? I think not.
Team 3D vs Beer Money Inc. The PPV is in Philly. ECW originated in Philly. Team 3D, just happened to be a big part of ECW back in the day, which means, that chances are, Team 3D will walk away with all the tag gold, except the Tag belts around the waists of MMG. Now, if I was booking this match, I would have Beer Money win. Here’s why. You want to push talent up the ranks? Who better than the best Tag Team in wrestling right now? Robert Roode and James Storm are the only reason I watch TNA. What a better way to push these guys up, than to have them beat Team 3D, in Team 3D’s own backyard? It wont happen, but it should happen.
WWE Wrestlemania XXV
Edge, Cena, Big Show. Apparently, all three of these guys, want a piece of the ugliest thing going around. Now I’ve dated some ugly broads in my time, but Vickie Guerrero, you are one ugly sumbitch. From how I see it, no matter which way you look at it, there isnt a winner in this match. Is the World Heavyweight Championship, really worth Vickie Guerrero in your bed?
Triple H vs Randy Orton. Is there anything Triple H cant do before he gets jail time? Is there anything else that can be done to build up this match? The answer to both questions is no, and that’s sad really, because there is still two weeks of build up left.
Undertaker and Shawn Michaels. The Streak vs Mr. Wrestlemania. Undertaker is 16-0 at Wrestlemania. Thats impressive to say the least. The New England Patriots were also 16-0. They won two more games before falling to the New York Giants. The Undertaker has beaten 17 different wrestlers going into Wrestlemania 25. Comparing the Patriots to the Undertaker, it seems that Undertaker will win at the Wrestlemania as well. But this time, the Undertaker doesnt have to face Nathan Jones and A-Train, or Giant Gonzalez, or Mark Henry. He faces Shawn Michaels. The same Shawn Michaels who lasted over an hour with Bret Hart at Wrestlemania XII, to win his first WWF Championship. The same Shawn Michaels who competed in the first ever Ladder match at Wrestlemania. The same Shawn Michaels, that no matter who his opponent is, always seems to have the best match, on a Wrestlemania card. Which leaves one question. Will Shawn Michaels be the New York Giants of the wrestling world? If the Undertaker cruicifies Marty Jannetty in the next two weeks, the answer is yes. Otherwise, I think Taker may stay undefeated.
Legends of Wrestlemania
This game is the latest installment of wrestling games by THQ, to celebrate 25 years of Wrestlemania. Does it live up to the hype? Maybe. I was in a games shop today, browsing around because I have some money to burn, and was listening to the two guys in this games store talk about LoW. Neither of them have played the game, but one didnt like what he heard. He was complaining about the game being ‘too arcadey’ for his liking. I tend to agree in this aspect, otherwise, I see little complaint. Sure, I’d like to see more Legends represented in the game than 42, but the addition of being able to import the wrestlers from SmackDown! vs RAW 2009 onto the game, makes up for that. Sure, pinfalls are a pain to kick out of, but if you are good enough at the game, you shouldnt be getting yourself in that position. This game doesnt have it all, but it gives those who love nostalgia the chance to have a blast from the past, and pit their favourite wrestlers of yesteryear against each other, or have dream matchups against the current day superstars. This game gets a 4 out of 5. Like I said, it could be improved in some places, but it’s easy to pick up controls, and the variety of wrestlers on the game, means a must for all wrestling fans.
Albert Park roars in the twilight
The Formula One season starts its 2009 in Melbourne, Australia at the Albert park street circuit this weekend, and for the first time in its history, it will be a twilight race, to ensure that European viewers can watch the race live, at a more convienent time for them. With new rules and guidelines, new drivers and teams, plus a later starting time, could make this version of the race, the most exciting race. Australian hopes lie with Mark Webber, who drives for Red Bull Racing. However, during the Mark Webber Challenge, held each year in Tasmania, Webber was struck by a four-wheel drive whilst on a mountain bike, and broke his leg. It hasnt affected his testing for Red Bull racing this year, but Webber says that is comfortable behind the wheel of his race car, and that the most trouble he has at the moment, is walking. For those, who may watch this race, look out for Ferrari’s pair of Kimi Raikkonen from Finland, and Felipe Massa from Brazil, Briton Lewis Hamilton, who drives a McLaren Mercedes and Renault driver, Fernando Alonso of Spain, to be the front runners.
Thats it for the first installment of Wednesday Night Delight. Your weekly fix is now complete.
Well after another busy week, here we go with another edition of JT’s Random Randomness. Let’s Get it started: (more…)
Sting… Whose Side is He On?
After the opening pyro, Mike Tenay promises that we’ll be seeing all the fallout from the “Destination X” pay-per-view last Sunday night. Will Kurt Angle and Sting be able to coexist? And how will the Main Event Mafia react? Because that’s the only possible fallout from an entire ppv. Nothing else could actually be of any interest to anyone.