Frankly, this is probably the least important show leading into Summerslam we could have. Of any week I take a break doing the review in the normal fashion, this would be it. But, as opposed to posting nothing, I’ll give the results and make note of anything of relevance if necessary. Ready to do a half-assed hop?
Last week ended on a positive note. I had hope that things were looking up for WWE. Then I watched the first 30 minutes of this show. Now I’m dreading watching the rest of it. My night has been pretty good so far though, what with the Chicago Blackhawks winning the Stanley Cup over my most hated NHL team, the Boston Bruins and all. Oh well, fuck it. Let’s go.
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, then instead of tormenting myself by watching the first 30 over again, I write down the gist of it and then watch the rest of the show. Also, I play by my own rules. Screw you, SmackDown review!
DOLPH ZIGGLER DEF. RANDY ORTON – Match ends with Ziggler charging Orton in the corner, Orton swings up, Ziggler hits the post, Orton tries a school-boy roll-up, Ziggler reverses it for a three-count, holding the trunks. SIN CARA/MYSTERIO DEF. TENSAI/CODY RHODES – Rey h0its the 619 on Cody but is outside the ring when he tags Sin Cara. Ref makes them re-tag and Cara hits a Swanton for three. C.M. PUNK (WWE CHAMPION) VS SHEAMUS (WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION) – Doesn’t happen; Punk in street clothes decides to take a personal day and leaves. SHEAMUS DEF. JACK SWAGGER – Sheamus wins with the Texas Clover leaf leg-lock. After the match, Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez attack Sheamus. Ricardo winds up taking a brogue-kick meant for Del Rio. He sells it so long I start to think he’s legit hurt. EVE DEF. KAITLYN – Eve wins with a neck-breaker. Match is booked to make Eve look like she’s playing nice until she gets an opening for a cheap shot. RYBACK DEF. JINDER MAHAL – Ryback scores the pin with the meat-hook. KANE & DANIEL BRYAN “HUG OUT” – So, after a series of “anger management” sketches, Bryan and Kane agree to meet in the ring. General Manager AJ lets us decide their fate via “Twitter poll.” The WWE universe votes for them to “hug it out.” Meaning they have to hug each other.
They have to hug each other.
Yeah
After stalling a good few minutes, Bryan eventually hugs Kane. Kane eventually hugs Bryan. They eventually hug each other. Then they start shoving each other. Then they start fighting. It ends with Bryan knocking Kane off the top rope with a chair. U.S. CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: ANTONIO CESARO (U.S. CHAMPION) DEF. SANTINO MORELLA – Santino spends the entire match trying to make up his mind about using the cobra. Cesaro finishes this farce with his pile-driver variation. ZACK RYDER DEF. HEATH SLATER – Ryder wins with the rough-rider. ALBERTO DEL RIO DEF. JOHN CENA: FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE – A scary brawl that actually spilled out all the way to backstage. Cena throws Del Rio through the interview area and gives him the AA. Alberto lands on a luggage container and C.M. PUNK hits Cena with a kick to the head out of nowhere. Punk pulls Del Rio on Cena for a three-count, and then Cena takes a GTS face first onto Punk’s car. As the car drives off, PAUL HEYMAN looks out the window and winces. THE GOOD • THE FINISH – The main event was actually exciting. Nice to see people who understand what “falls count anywhere” means. Punk getting Del Rio a win over Cena was the right way to get people hyped for the PPV. Paul Heymans cameo as Punks driver got me excited. I am marking out big-time for the possibility of him teaming up with Punk. • ANGER MANAGEMENT – As stupid as these bits are, at least Kane and Bryan have made them watchable. Funny moment was when they both bailed on “Harold;” during a trust fall exercise, and the “doctor” losing his patients with his patients. THE BAD
Oh God, where to begin? • COMMENTARY – Intercontinental champion The Miz joined the commentary team tonight. It was weird. Miz and Michael Cole seemed to be taking turns playing face. Oddly enough, Cole seemed to be working as the face announcer most of the night. It was kind of confusing. When Divas Champ Layla came out to join them for the Kaitlin/Eve match, Miz jumped all over her. They got into a Jerry Springer like shouting match with Cole desperately playing ref, with NO-ONE playing attention to the match. • EVE VS KAITLIN – Actually decent; but BURIED by Miz and Layla bitching each other out. Also, Eve gets the win and makes a big show of offering Layla a handshake. You can see their feud coming a mile away, so what’s the point of making Kaitlin #1 contender if you want to do an Eve/Layla program? Why didn’t they just make Eve #1 contender? • THE HUG – Screw you WWE universe. You’re buying into the WWE BS and voting for what they want you to vote for. You are getting the show you deserve. THE UGLY • AJ – Sweet mother, can we pull the plug on this experiment already? This whole night seemed to be more about AJ losing control than anything else. From people walking out on her to the breakdown in the ring, it’s like WWE wanted to make some point about any woman NOT named McMahon being in charge. Unless they’re setting up a Zach Ryder sized de-push, they need to have AJ quit this job and reactivate her as an active roster member so she can kill Vicki. • VICKI AND “INVISIBLE” AJ – Just stop. Please just stop. Wrestling doesn’t do topical humor. Wrestling doesn’t need to do topical humor. For those playing along at home, Clint Eastwood was a guest speaker at the Republican National Convention last week, and did a “bit” with an empty chair representing Barack Obama. Vicki decided to pick up on this and do the same thing with AJ. It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t even relevant to the show, because AJ showed up. • SANTINO’S “COBRA” – George Steel Is face palming this crap.
RYTMANS RANT
WHY ARE WE BOOKING THIS GODDMN SHOW?!?
Seriously, what is the deal with the twitter polls? Why not just let us book the whole damn show via twitter? AND WHY WOULD WE VOTE FOR A HUG!? AND WHY DID WE!?!?!?
I just…..
Ugh.
• CM PUNK VS BIG SHOW – NO CONTEST: It’s basically Big Show dominating, with Punk fighting back from behind until Daniel Bryan comes out in a full mad-on. Bryan slaps the “no” lock on Punk and Show joins in for a “little rough up the champ” action until Cena makes the save. AJ comes out and pulls a “Teddy,” making a tag match for later in the night.
• RYBACK DEFEATS JTG – This was in response to JTG griping backstage about not getting TV time. It’s the same match we’ve seen for about… ever.
• R-TRUTH DEFEATS HEATH SLATER – After the match, the PTP (minus AW) run in for a beat down on R-Truth. Kofi supposedly is out of the country, leaving Truth outnumbered.
• SIN CARA DEF TENSAI – Tensai spends most of the match overpowering Sin Cara, until the Lucha legend side-steps him into Sakamoto and hits a DDT from the top rope. Tensai beats down Sakamoto after the match.
• DOLPH ZIGGLER DEF JERICHO/THE MIZ (3-WAY) – Jericho won a twitter poll to be the guest on Piper’s Pit. After a few minutes, Ziggler and Vicki come out to run Jericho down. Miz joins in and tries to kick Piper and Jericho out. After Jericho cleans house, we get a commercial break. When we come back, we’re told AJ made this match via twitter. Dolph gets the pin on the Miz.
• LAYLA & KAITLYN DEF EVE & BETH PHOENIX – Pretty standard tag, with Layla actually trying to show some personality. (Nice spot with Layla butt-bumping Eve in the face.) Ends with Kait rolling Beth up for a three count.
• JOHN CENA & CM PUNK DEF BIG SHOW & DANIEL BRYAN – Interesting theme here. NO ONE wants to tag out on either side. Bryan tags in whenever Show gets close. Show gets more and more bothered. Cena tags in whenever Punk gets close. Punk returns in kind. Punk and Cena do the “stealing each other’s moves,” routine, and eventually both Show AND Punk wash their hands of the whole thing. It ends with an AA on Bryan for the pin, and Punk rescuing (?) Cena from an attack from behind by Big Show.
• DAMIEN SANDOW DEF CHRISTIAN – I have NEVER seen Christian jobbed out like this. Christian gets in an elbow shot from the top rope, but when he follows Sandow outside to the floor, and gets sent into the steps, Sandow bounces his head against the steel steps. Brodus Clay hobbles out on his bum leg to distract Sandow, but all Christian gets is a roll-up for two. Sandow ends this with his neck-breaker variation.
Okay so, why the new approach? Well one, I’m sick of being up till three in the morning trying to recap EVERY segment in detail, and two, I wanted to get that stuff out of the way for my 1st official…
RYTMAN RANT!
Re: This show’s pacing, W.T.F?
Here’s the deal, we have Shawn Michaels guest starring tonight. Apparently, Triple H’s flight was delayed, and he’s not there yet, so Shawn is scared. Every segment is Shawn looking over his shoulder like Daffy Duck during duck season, waiting for his inevitable Brock Beat-down. Eventually, Shawn is in the ring with Brock and Paul Heyman, and Hunter rolls in just in the nick of time to protect Shawn (which is a whole other thing) and sign the contract. Brock signs and leaves. Perfect spot to end the show…
Except we have 15-20 minutes left.
Okay so, umm… commercial break!
And we’re back. Well, okay… let’s have a shot of Shawn and Hunter having a heart to heart that ends with Shawn walking off possibly pissed at Hunter. And we’re out!
No we are not.
Hoo-boy, okay-commercial… and interview Big Show about going into Summerslam-WAITAMINUTE! SOMETHINGS HAPPENING IN THE PARKING LOT! Heyman is blocking Shawn’s car with his car. They’re yelling at each other, AND LESNAR GRABS SHAWN! The camera goes black and we hear Lesnar beating down Shawn.
Okay, end on a cliff-hanger; what happened to Shawn? Good, we’re out-no we’re not.
We come back from commercial (notice a pattern?) to see Hunter and everyone else who wanted some extra camera time worrying about Shawn. We cut back to ringside where Lesnar has Shawn up in a fireman’s carry and is walking to the ring. Shawn takes the F-5 and as Hunter runs to the rescue, Lesnar locks on the arm-breaker. Heyman warns Hunter not to take another step, or Lesnar breaks Shawn’s arm; which he does anyway. Raw ends FOR REAL with trainers trying to help Shawn, and Lesnar running away with an evil grin on his face.
And Raw comes in at 10:01 p.m. here in Chicago.
Seriously
We honestly couldn’t have Shawn get beaten up at the beginning of the show? We couldn’t put this contract signing crap in the middle of the show and get it over with in time for (what should’ve been) the main event? Did you guys try SO HARD to end on time that you wound up short? Could you have given that extra time to, maybe Christian/Sandow?
This was a HUGE step backwards, I’m sorry, it is. You went from going overtime with the Main Events over the last two weeks, to going under trying to make time for a stupid segment that you had to strrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch out with false endings to fill up time THAT YOU TOOK AWAY FROM THE MATCHES!
(Sigh)
Seriously WWE, re-evaluate your damn priorities before Raw goes the Nitro route.
Friday Night Suffering Time! Yay! Well, all I can say is that Nexus invades (again) tonight. Not sure why, I missed something, but they do. Let’s find out if they explain this thing…
Oh, and I finally got Gif Soup to work for me, so I made my first ever animated gif: