Wow. BoredWrestlingFan.com is celebrating it’s one year anniversary this Tuesday, June 9th. Normally by this point in a project, I’ve lost all interest and will have not updated in months. BWF is not one of those projects. I still love this site and update it as often as possible, and with the cast of characters I’ve assembled here, we keep this place live nearly every day of the week. But enough about that for now, I’ll devote an article to that on Tuesday.
On to the wrestling news for the week.
The big news still on the radar from last week is the sudden release of Mr. Kennedy as details continue to leak. Word is that Randy Orton complained about Kennedy’s wreckless nature in the ring. The story goes that Mr. McMahon asked other Superstars about it, and they agreed which led to Kennedy’s release. Rumor has it that Kennedy is also now a member of the WWE “do not call” list, which is a very exclusive club.
Almost lost in the mix of Kennedy stories are the injuries that Samoa Joe suffered at a TNA house show sometime in the past week. The former TNA Triple Crown Champion suffered two broken fingers and a torn bicep. The injuries couldn’t come at a worse time for TNA, as they’ve already taped every episode of iMPACT! leading up to Slammiversary, where Joe was set to participate in the King of the Mountain main event. At this point, the only thing yours truly would expect is Joe to be taken out by the Main Event Mafia at the start of the PPV.
Chris Mordetzky, better known as Chris Masters, has apparently re-signed with World Wrestling Entertainment. Maybe he stopped taking steroids and learned how to wrestle, and can actually justify whatever push they give him this time around.
Sting is (allegedly) seriously considering retirement following this year’s Bound For Glory Pay-Per-View. If he does decide to retire, rest assured that he’d probably stay retired, and also bet your house on Sting being inducted in the WWE Hall of Fame no later than 2011.
Hey, speaking of Pay Per Views, WWE’s changed the name of another one. The Great American Bash is now simply known as The Bash. The reasons rumoured for this change include the old name being too WCW sounding, and the fact that if it’s the Great American Bash, you can’t hold it outside of the U.S.
The highlight of this week in wrestling for me was actually watching SmackDown for the first time in over a month. There were a few great matches on there that made me remember why I’m a wrestling fan. Edge vs. Rey Mysterio was a definite match of the year contender in my book.
And since it’s a PPV weekend, here’s my predictions for Xtreme Rules!
Vickie Guerrero vs. Santina Marella: Hog Pen Match
My prediction is this match will suck. For the hell of it, let’s go with Santina regaining her Miss WrestleMania crown.
CM Punk vs. Umaga: Samoan Strap Match
Time for these guys to move on from this random feud. Punk wins.
US Championship – Kofi Kingston vs. Matt Hardy vs. William Regal vs. MVP: four way match
What the hell is extreme about a four way match? Kingston just won the title on Monday, don’t expect that belt to be going anywhere this soon.
Intercontinental Championship – Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho: No Hold’s Barred
Just as long as Zeus doesn’t get involved, we’re good here. Rey Rey will find a way to win. Jericho doesn’t need another IC Title run.
ECW Championship – Christian vs. Jack Swagger vs. Tommy Dreamer: Hardcore match
I know the story here about Dreamer getting one more chance at the ECW Championship, getting a one day extension past today’s original date. I just can’t see him getting the win. Christian retains.
John Cena vs. The Big Show: Submission match
I predict myself falling asleep. Two decidedly non-submission wrestlers in a submission match. Boring. Technical guys like CM Punk and Chris Jericho can get away with submission matches, not power guys like Cena and The Big Show. Anyways, why bother, we all know Cena’s going to win.
WWE Championship – Randy Orton vs. Batista: Steel Cage Match
For crying out loud, what is Batista even doing in a championship match? The guy sucks in the ring, he sucks on the mic, he is NOT championship material. Never was, never will be. I just hope he doesn’t injure Orton, who I’m sure is going over.
World Championship – Edge vs. Jeff Hardy: Ladder Match
Jeff hasn’t re-signed with WWE yet, and they want him to. Hardy goes over, believe it or not.
That’s all for me for now, JT will be around tomorrow with more Random Randomness, and we’ll have some sort of coverage of Extreme Rules – probably not live but it’ll be up sometime before RAW on Monday.
Ken Anderson, aka Mr. Kennedy, was released by the WWE this week. Now, the reason as to his release, are several in number. From sloppy suplexes to apparent wrist injuries, to a war of words backstage, to being injury prone. Many reasons are to blame for his departure. However, I can prove Mr. Kennedy was injured during RAW this past week, as this footage shows. Here is another angle of his devastating injury.
The field for the next WWE PPV, entitled ‘Extreme Rules’ is set, and it is headlined by the HogPen match between Miss Wrestlemania Vickie Guerrero and Santina Marella. Can Santina Marella reclaim her crown? Find out in this one of a kind match.
Also on the card, the WWE Champion, Randy Orton defends his title in a Steel Cage match against Batista.
Edge will defend the World Heavyweight Championship against Jeff Hardy in a Ladder match, John Cena will face the Big Show in a Battle Rap Submission match, Christian defends the ECW Championship against Tommy Dreamer and Jack Swagger, Rey Mysterio defends the Intercontinental Championship against Chris Jericho, the new United States Champion, Kofi Kingston, defends against William Regal, Matt Hardy and MVP in a Fatal Four-Way and CM Punk faces off against Umaga in a Samoan Strap match. Just let you know, this PPV takes place on a Public Holiday in the land where I roam, so be sure to watch out for my comments LIVE. Will they be here? Who knows? Stay tuned.
TNA
Samoa Joe has been injured according to Samoa Joe’s Twitter account. He has a torn tricep as well as a broken finger or two. As TNA film several iMPACTs in advance, it will not affect his appearance there, however, it will affect him at Slammiversary. It will be interesting to see what type of role he plays.
Raven, Shane Douglas and Victoria all apeared on iMPACT this week. Raven to feud with Abyss, Shane Douglas attacked Daniels and Victoria took out the Beautiful People. It’s good to see Victoria, although I heard she was retiring. Shane Douglas looks fat and Raven looks old.
Your Empress of “Impact” has had major internet access problems recently, resulting in a lack of columnage. While my connection lasts, here’s a link to a review of this week’s show: http://www.f4wonline.com/content/view/9462/105/
Lethal Consequences and Eric Young def. MotorCity Machine Guns and Sheik Abdul Bashir
Apparently, this match was announced on the TNA website the day of, or the day before the PPV. Great idea TNA. Although, the MMG and Afro Thunder/Randy Savage have been chasing Suicide the past few weeks, trying to find out his identity. Speaking of Suicide, I sense another link coming on.
Monster’s Ball: Taylor Wilde def. Daffney w/Abyss
Taylor Wilde wins and Abyss chokeslams Dr. Stevie Richards onto thumbtacks. This was the first KnockOuts Monsters Ball and hopefully it is the last. The only possible way I would watch a match like this, is with a group of friends so we can all bag the crap out of a match like this.
Suicide def. Daniels after Daniels had already won, but wanted the match restarted because of MMG’s interference.
I’m serious. Daniels won, but because MMG interfered and he didnt want to win that way, he wanted to make things fair. Yeah and you lost Daniels. Your so good Daniels, that you won the match, but thought, you know what? We all know Suicide is a woman and it’s hard to be a woman, trust me I know. I can beat a woman fair and square cant I? Jeff Jarrett thought the same thing about Chyna, but the difference is, Chyna is a man, Suicide is not.
Angelina Love def. Awesome Kong to retain the KnockOuts Championship
Kong misses a move and Love sprays hair spray in Kong’s eyes and gets the pin. Your telling me that Kong dismantles Madison Rayne, Velvet Sky and one half of the Smokin’ Gunns, yet a simple can of hair spray is what stops her? She’s a behemoth and yet she’s as soft as a kitten. It’s not right. This is a mistake. Kong should be and always be an indestructible force that should only be stopped by some sort of gang hit or by numerous numbers.
Samoa Joe def. Kevin Nash
The broken down injury prone Outsider survived a match without getting injured. It’s a miracle. If only Waco, Texas had a miracle. One final thing about this match. You know Jenna Maresca/Marasca/Mascara/Mil Mascaras? Apparently, this is the song of how Big Kev met his Survivor.
BEER MONEY!!!! def. the British Invasion to win the Team 3D Tag Team tournament
Justice is almost served. Now all thats gotta happen is Beer Money regain the Tag titles and the world will be right again. Thats all I need to say about this, oh and this.
For the record, I have a coathanger.
AJ Styles def. Booker T to retain the Legends Championship
The cross dresser came and threw in the towel so Dokken T lost the match and the Dog-Faced Gremlin was in Dokken’s corner too. It’s true, she is! I Heard It Through The Grapevine.
TNA Heavyweight Championship: Sting def. Kurt Angle to become the leader of the Main Event Mafia. Mick Foley retains the TNA Championship.
You would think that I put a clip of Creed’s ‘My Sacrifice’ here, well maybe I did, you just gotta click the link to find out. By the way, who didnt see the result of the Main Event a mile away. Raise your hands all those who didnt know? FOOLS!!! All of you. Thinking that the result would go any other way? Sure, I probably said something else in my last column, but I knew that Sting was gonna beat Angle. It was the only POINTLESS result, which is why they went with it. It is TNA we’re talking about.
WWE
One thing of mention. Coach interviewing Vince on ESPNews. Vince had a good chuckle I believe.
Thats it, another Wednesday, another column. Last thing, Trojans are Australia’s Best Selling Condom. It adds a whole new meaning to the ‘Trojan Horse’ now doesnt it? Just who put all those Trojans in that horse?
Apologies for the lateness. Yesterday was rough. Let’s pretend it’s still Sunday night, and cross the line!
Pre-show:
Eric Young vs. Danny Bonaduce
Danny Bonaduce actually looked fairly legit and cool, although someone should point out that having a motorcycle with skull-themed artwork does not automatically make the motorcycle’s owner a man to be feared. Way too many close-ups of that. Still, the whole “free pre-show” idea is a sound one, and TNA should look into doing it more often. This particular match may not have sold any ppvs, but the idea itself isn’t bad.Bonaduce busted out a set of nunchuku, and spun them all around. Don West pointed out that Bonaduce is actually a third-degree black belt. Bonaduce attempts some skullduggery with his nunchuku, but Young rolls him up and gets the pin in less than four minutes. The post-match doings were the bigger deal. Bonaduce shook Young’s hand, and Young turned his back on Bonaduce to leave. No. No, Eric. Bonaduce attacked him from behind, causing Rhino to rush the ring and plant Bonaduce with a Gore! Gore! I Voted for Gore! Putting this match on the pre-show made sense, if they were going to do it at all, but in the end, the hype seemed too great for a Rhino run-in to be the high point of everything. This match actually got more hype than the three-way IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Tag Team title match, so it just seemed unfulfilling.
Winner: Eric Young
We meet Dixie Carter on tv for the first time. JB points out that TNA is not owned and operated by an egotistical billionaire businessman, they are, in fact, owned and operated by an attractive mother of two from Dallas, Texas. Dixie came off well, very sweet and down-to-earth, sincerely thanking the fans and talking about what the company means to her. That she’s nice to look at (if you’re into the MILFy kind of thing) didn’t hurt. Please don’t make her an on-air character! On to the main show!
Christopher Daniels and AJ Styles arrive together. Samoa Joe and Jeff Jarrett are nowhere to be seen. In contrast, the Main Event Mafia arrives (mostly) together.
The Smashing Pumpkins song (“Bullets with Butterfly Wings”) plays again. Billy Corgan speaks the lyrics rather than singing them, and adds a line about “still just a rat in a steel cage.” Nice!
Match #1: X-scape match for the X-Division Championship Suicide defends against Sheik Abdul Bashir, Kiyoshi, Consequences Creed, and “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal
For those with no previous X-scape match experience, wrestlers are eliminated via pinfall or submission until two remain. Then, the first man to climb out of the cage and land both feet on the floor wins. A perfectly sound concept. Referring to this match as a “fun” match with “some decent spots” isn’t really fair. A solid story was being told, as in this particular match, the champion was on his own, and the four challengers were actually two tag teams. Suicide did a neat “appearing in the center of the ring” entrance instead of flying in. Shaking up his entrance really helps the character, particularly before it can get stale. Jay Lethal eliminates Kiyoshi at between three and four minutes in with a top rope elbow drop, followed by a double-pin from Lethal and Creed. Lethal and Creed are extremely sloppy. Kiyoshi is better than this. Bashir plants Creed with the WMDDT (That’s one of the most ignorant, pointless, STUPID names for a finishing move ever! It isn’t a clever play on words. It’s just dumb.), and eliminates him. Now the team factor is gone, and Bashir and Lethal must go after Suicide on their own. Lethal squares off with Suicide, but is hit with the Suicide Solution. Bashir throws Suicide into the cage and steals the pin on Lethal, eliminating him at almost eight minutes in. Down to champion Suicide and challenger Bashir. Bashir tries to get out through the cage door, but Suicide is having none of it. Both men climb to the top of the cage. Suicide headbutts Bashir and causes him to fall, but not to the floor. Kiyoshi runs out and tries to climb the cage and stop Suicide, but several security members restrain him. Suicide looks down at Bashir, who is almost to the floor, and makes a beautiful “Suicide Dive” onto Kiyoshi and the security guards to hit the ground first.
Winner and still X-Division Champion: Suicide
Match #2: “Queen of the Cage” match Sojo Bolt vs. Madison Rayne vs. ODB vs. Daffney
The one problem with this match is that Daffney was the only one actually wrestling in it. Super cool look for Daffney, both in ring gear and make-up. Everyone piles on ODB at first, but she’s not even brawling in the style in which we know she can. She’s a cartoon character, even more so than she was before. Cody Deaner pours the liquid from the flask into ODB’s mouth, and she cleans house. Actually, she mostly slaps her own butt and boobs, but that’s neither here nor there. Don Wests complains that if ODB isn’t going to share with everyone, she shouldn’t be allowed to drink from the flask during matches because it isn’t fair. Pretty funny. At one point, ODB is down long enough for Daffney to outwrestle everyone else, and nearly pins Rayne and Bolt. Another flask shot sees ODB hulk up, spit the flask’s contents into the eyes of Sojo Bolt, hit Bolt with a power slam, and get the pin. ODB and Cody Deaner celebrate. TNA gets rid of Sonjay Dutt, Jimmy Rave, and Petey Williams and brings in Cody Deaner. Cross the line….
Winner and “Queen of the Cage”: ODB
Jeff Jarrett arrives alone. Tension! Match #3: IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Tag Team Championship Title match
Motor City Machine Guns defend against No Limit and LAX
Regardless of who actually held the belts, there should have been more focus on this match. It’s hard to buy into the whole “international prestige” of titles from another company in another country, when you yourself (TNA) haven’t made that big of a deal out of them. A few short promos and/or video clips would have done wonders for this match. Show some clips from the matches where each team won gold, explain why they’re all fighting, and so on. LAX holds tag team gold in Puerto Rico. The Motor City Machine Guns hold tag team gold from Japan. No Limit used to hold the titles that the MCMG now hold, and want them back. This could have been “International Tag Team Domination,” for lack of a better term. I know. There was no time. If it was going on the ppv, time should have been made.
Some people seem to delight in referring to any TNA match not involving established main-eventers as “a fun little match with the usual cool spots,” or some variation thereof. This implies that no psychology, no storytelling, and no coherent plan are taking place. The aforementioned description does not apply to this match. “Texas Tornado” rules apply, which means that all six guys will be in the ring at once, and no tags have to be made. The big story here was both No Limit and MCMG going after Hernandez and trying to incapacitate him. This plan doesn’t work so well. Hernandez sends Sabin into the cage with a huge shoulder block. Ouch! Shelley and Sabin eventually try to double-team Hernandez with a suplex, but he reverses it and suplexes both of them instead. Hernandez is soon beaten down, and thrown into a corner, where every other guy takes at least one turn hitting him with a running clothesline. The double-team action can’t be done justice by trying to call it, so watch the match, already! All three teams look solid and strong throughout. At one point, Hernandez Cracker Jacks Sabin into the cage, and Sabin comes down head-first and painfully. Seriously, it looked bad, and I hope he’s ok. Shelley gets Border Tossed into the cage, and fares slightly less terribly than his partner. While the MCMG are down, LAX and No Limit go. Yujiro has Homicide on the top turnbuckle for something, but Hernandez gets Yujiro on his shoulders, and Homicide hits him with an Ace Crusher. The recovered MCMG take out Hernandez, and slam Naito from the top turnbuckle with the Made in Detroit combination. One! Two! Three! YES! It’s true! Don West actually says that now, TNA has to start considering the MCMG for a shot at the TNA tag team titles and a place in the division. Oh, ya think????
Winners and still IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Tag Team Champions: the Motor City Machine Guns
Match #4: “Doomsday Chamber of Blood” match
Abyss vs. Matt Morgan
In this match, the object is to make the opponent bleed, then he can be pinned or made to submit. Fair enough. I’m not a fan of these types of matches, so I can’t really say how it compares with others of the kind. After punching chairs and such, Morgan opens up Abyss first. Abyss can now be pinned or made to submit. Morgan only gets a two-count. Morgan opens a bag of glass, and tries to drive Abyss’s head into it. Then Morgan tries to stab Abyss in the head with a shard of glass. Abyss sends Morgan into the cage, then choke slams him, but since Morgan isn’t bleeding, the referee refuses to count it. Abyss cuts Morgan’s forehead open with glass. Both guys can now be pinned or made to submit. Dr. Stevie comes out, and is finally publicly revealed as Stevie Richards. He takes a chair away from Abyss, and yells at him not to engage in violence with weapons. Morgan uses this opportunity to hit Abyss with the Carbon Footprint, but only gets a two-count. Abyss gets a bag of thumbtacks from under the ring. Stevie tells him not to. Stevie takes off his jacket, enters the ring, and slaps Abyss around like a little bitch. Morgan low-blows Abyss while Abyss argues with Stevie, then plants Abyss on the thumbtacks with a spine buster for the win. Stevie gets his jacket and leaves. Curious as to where this is going. Not down on it, but curious.
Winner: Matt Morgan
Match #5: Knockouts Championship Title match
Awesome Kong defends against Taylor Wilde and Angelina Love
Velvet Sky and Raisha Saeed are at ringside. Angelina Love looks terrified after Kong advances on her, which is totally the thing to do. People were really into Kong, which is nice to see. This was brute power (Kong) against technical prowess and sneakiness (Angelina Love) against vaguely high-flying (Taylor Wilde). Storywise, a good idea. Taylor Wilde just isn’t that good. Angelina is much better in the ring and it shows. If you need one good reason to watch this match, Awesome Kong does a somersault splash from the top turnbuckle. Read that last line again. Awesome Kong. Somersault splash. Top turnbuckle. Yes, I was sober at the time. Great moment when Angelina tied what was left of Kong’s braids to the cage wall, with the help of Velvet Sky. Raisha Saeed tried to untie them, but ends up chasing Velvet Sky around the ring. Taylor Wilde has Angelina Love in a rear chinlock hold, but Kong kicks out at Wilde, allowing Love to roll Wilde over and get the pin on her.
Winner and new Knockouts Champion: Angelina Love
Match #6: Tag Team Domination match (IWGP Heavyweight Tag Team titles vs. TNA Tag Team titles, winners take all)
Team 3-D (IWGP Heavyweight Tag Team Champions) vs. Beer Money (TNA Tag Team Champions)
The rest of the wrestling world may disagree, but the wrong team won. For months now, the build has been just about perfect. Beer Money won matches. Team 3-D won matches. Beer Money are the TNA tag team champions for a long period of time. Team 3-D win the IWGP Heavyweight Tag Team titles in Japan. Mutual respect. Wanting to know for sure who is the best. A great sit-down interview with Tenay. Lots of “Rough Cuts” packages on Team 3-D. The last-minute destruction of mutual respect, even to the point of echoing Team 3-D’s own line, “Because we can!” Near-constant promos, video packages, and vignettes about Team 3-D. This was the absolutely perfect “pass the torch” moment. They didn’t do it. Just about every odd that could be stacked against Beer Money had been spelled out. There was no way that they could beat Team 3-D in Philly, therefore having them do so would have been the perfect thing to do. Too much has been made about the Philly fans. What? Would they have burned down the building if Team 3-D had lost? Sure, you eventually have to give the people what they want. Eventually. When the time is right and it suits the story being told. To have Beer Money lose this match, regardless of how strong they looked in it, defies good storytelling and long-term planning. Did Team 3-D need this win? No. Was Team 3-D in dire need of getting over? No. Where does the tag team division go from here? Does Team 3-D retire and allow the “young guys” to have a tournament to claim the vacated titles? Oh, that’s ever so much more effective than actually having Beer Money defeat a legendary tag team on their own. Beer Money defeating Team 3-D in their adopted hometown, and at their own game, in front of the oh-so-terrifyingly bloodthirsty Philly fans was exactly what should have happened, and that it didn’t is quite simply wrong.
Winners and still IWGP Heavyweight Tag Team Champions and new TNA Tag Team Champions: Team 3D
Match #7: “Lethal Lockdown” match
Team Angle (Kurt Angle, Scott Steiner, Booker T, and Kevin Nash) vs. Team Jarrett (Jeff Jarrett, AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, and Samoa Joe)
Who was Joe talking to? By many accounts, it’s Tazz, which would be awesome. However, how many “mentors” does Samoa Joe need? We saw how well it worked out with Kevin Nash. The concept of “Lethal Lockdown” isn’t bad, but there were just too many bodies in the cage. A three-on-three match may have worked better. The AJ/Angle bit on the top was scary nice, and AJ’s landing looked pretty bad. This was not a bad match. It was simply too crowded, and the guys on Team Jarrett were limited in their movesets because of the cage. The Jarrett saga continues very nicely, and the chair shot to AJ looked completely accidental. Don West jumped all over it, which was great. Jarrett teasing the guitar shot to his own team, and then hitting Team Angle was ok, but it really gave off the vibe that Team Jarrett would not have won on their own. Again, the whole “We can’t do anything without Jarrett the Great to lead us!” only undermines the former Front Line even more. It was like, “Here, young guys, I am giving you this victory with this guitar shot.” Still, the drama of Jarrett’s true feelings has to keep going, and this was as good a way as any to do it. The appearance of Bobby Lashley as a possible ally of Angle and new member of the Main Event Mafia did nothing for me, but he is a former World Champion, and meets the membership requirements. I personally do not and have never cared for Lashley, and would just as soon he were not there, but the audience in Philly seemed pretty excited about his appearance. We shall see where this goes.
Winners: Team Jarrett
Match #8: TNA World Heavyweight Championship title match
Sting defends against Mick Foley
Wow. I truly did not think that Foley would win this one. Things will definitely get interesting now, as the fallout from this title win could go in many directions and covers quite a lot of ground. The match itself was quite good. Yes, they’re both old and slow. And? That was the whole point, that this could be the last match for either one of them. Foley’s Gollum/Smeagol changes during the match were great, like making sure that the cage door was properly locked at the start of the match, and then demanding that the door be opened later after Sting had taken out his left leg. Kicking the camera man through the camera hole and trying to get out that way was certainly novel. Pulling the barbed wire bat through the hole was also a nice touch. Sting went after Foley with the bat repeatedly, which raised the question of just how far into Foley’s world Sting was willing to descend. Did anyone expect Foley to win? It’s certainly intriguing. And isn’t that the point?
Winner and new TNA World Heavyweight Champion: Mick Foley FINAL THOUGHTS: Several of the other sites that I’ve visited are practically crowing about how feedback on “Lockdown” has been almost universally negative. If so, it’s not deserved. The only truly bad match in terms of wrestling was the “Queen of the Cage” match, and that’s only because three of the four women were not actually wrestling. Sting and Foley were slow, yes. So only legends currently employed by WWE can have good matches? Enough with the TNA bashing just because it’s TNA, already! Honestly, if the Sting/Foley match had happened in a WWE ring, people would be saying almost across the board that while it wasn’t as good as HBK/Taker, it told a very solid story, the ending was a huge surprise, and the two old guys can still go pretty well, all things considered. You know it. I know it. The American people know it. Foley’s title reign is not the doom of TNA, and does not harken back to the dying days of WCW, and does not prove that there is no hope for the company. Quite the opposite, in fact. I paid for “Lockdown,” and don’t feel ripped off. I actually enjoyed most of it.
Join us later this week for “Impact” Impressions and the fallout from “Lockdown!”
This past week’s “Impact” just so happened to fall on my birthday, which was pretty cool. What was not in the least bit cool was my lack of internet connection, preventing me from joining in the combination “Impact”/birthday thread, and getting a review for this site posted in a timely manner. Hey, it could be worse. At least this isn’t a site that waits almost a full week to post a review of the previous week’s show. But I digress.
Let’s cross that line, people! Assuming that you’re sober enough to find it in the first place.
We open with a video package detailing several of the ongoing storylines. Foley’s “First Blood” match is pushed heavily. This week’s “Dragonball Z”-esque title is “Who’s Calling the Shots?” Mike Tenay and Don West talk up the Booker T vs. Samoa Joe match later in the program that determines which team gets the advantage in the “Lethal Lockdown” match. As closely as I follow this, I’m still not clear on what precisely that advantage is. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
To the ring! It’s the Main Event Mafia. And their group entrance music. Kurt Angle leads, flanked by his personal security team. Booker T and Sharmell are not amongst the group. Sting is last in line. Sting asks Jeff Jarrett to join him in the ring. Somehow, we know he will. Jarrett’s music plays, and The Founder of TNA (drink) hits the ring. The TNA World Heavyweight Champion is not happy. Sting complains that Mick Foley pulled rank over Jeff Jarrett last week by booking Sting in a “warm-up” match against Samoa Joe. Since Sting is facing Foley at the upcoming “Lockdown” ppv, that’s hardly fair. Jarrett has business to conduct, and really doesn’t need Sting getting up in his face about this. Jarret tries to leave the ring, but Sting stops him. Sting just wants to hear from Jarrett’s own lips whether or not Foley is calling the shots now. Jarret tells Sting that Foley is not calling the shots, that The King of the Mountain is running the show. Sting is pleased, and says that he’s glad to know that he’s dealing with the man in charge. If he had to have a warm-up match for the ppv booked by Foley, it’s only right that this week, Sting gets to book Foley in a warm-up match as well. Scott Steiner tells Jarrett that he could take another road, the joining the MEM road. Jarrett says that such a thought is not even an option. Steiner wants to go backstage and discuss it. However, before Jarrett can say anything to such a proposition, the MEM is interrupted by-
THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS!!!!! (birthday present #1)
The Guns are sporting thier IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Tag Team Championship title belts. The ones that get almost no mention or focus? Yes, those belts. Alex Shelley has a mic. Shelley tells Sting and Jarrett that they were in the back, busily playing “Resident Evil V” and “Street Fighter IV” on the X-box, when they heard that Sting wanted someone to fight Mick Foley. Shelley is pretty sure that Foley runs TNA, and says so. He offers up the services of the MCMG for hire, and challenges Foley to a handicap match against himself and Chris Sabin. Shelley brings up the Turkey Bowl from last November, and calls it the worst, most humiliating day of his career. Because of Mick Foley, he was forced to wear a turkey suit that smelled like burnt hair on national television. He has thought about that moment every day since, and has quietly bided his time for a chance to get even with Foley. This is that chance.
Side note: Why didn’t we see a replay of Alex Shelley being forced into the turkey suit? Some people watching probably never even saw it. We all know that we’re watching a show. It’s not as if it’s a suspension of disbelief that the video footage of such a thing would be available to air at a moment’s notice. Shelley and Sabin could even have (gasp) been allowed enough promo time to introduce the clip themselves, and react to seeing it again appropriately.
In any case, Sting approves, and Jarrett grants the match. Regardless of the circumstances, the MCMG are in the main event against Mick Foley! (birthday present #2) Shocking and miraculous as it may seem, Kurt Angle did not talk during this entire thing! A trend? HAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, I know, but still!
To the back! Jeremy Borash asks Mick Foley his thoughts on the handicap match. Foley laughs about the whole thing, and refers to the MCMG as “white meat babyfaces.” Um, ok. He goes on to talk about “tweaking” the match, but leaves before JB can get an explanation out of him.
To the back! JB is with Foley and Jarrett. Foley is in bizarro mode, and thanks Jarrett for the match, but wants to “tweak” it a little. He continues to annoy Jarrett before leaving. JB asks Jarrett if something is bothering him, but Scott Steiner enters, and Jarrett kicks JB out. Hmm.
Match #1: Sheik Abdul Bashir (w/ Kiyoshi and Team No Limit) defeats Suicide [non-title match]: When did this happen? Did Bashir and the entire Japanese contingent get thrown together simply because they’re all brown, and would therefore naturally want to hang out? The only one who has clearly and consistently been a heel is Bashir. Could we at least get some kind of explanation? It’s already been established that the Japanese guys don’t speak English (thank you , Kurt Angle), so how would Bashir be able to talk to them? I’m just sayin’. The match itself went about four minutes. Not that it mattered, as Tenay and West talked about the Main Event Mafia the whole time. Can’t we hook them up to shock collars and zap them when they do that? Please? Nice tactics of No Limit attacking Suicide on the floor while the ref was distracted, and Kiyoshi sneaking into the ring to kick Suicide. Bashir DDTs Suicide onto the X-Division title belt for the win, which was nice. The lights go out, and Suicide vanishes by the time they come up again. Suicide appears to be getting a much bigger reaction than he was, so many question the wisdom of having him lose matches right now. It wasn’t a clean one-on-one loss, though. The super hero video game character has a chink in the armor, and if a group of guys can take him down, it makes the X-scape match at “Lockdown” more compelling because they’ve established the possibility that he CAN lose.
To the back! The Beautiful People and Madison Rayne (I refuse to call them by their sorority name of “Mi Pi Sexy”) are walking. With scissors. Ah, the jokes write themselves, don’t they?
To the back! Navy veteran Jesse Neal is with Rhino. Rhino does most of the talking. From everything that I’ve read, the story is true, and not a pathetic attempt by TNA creative to play the emotional patriotism card. Neal was on the USS Cole when it was attacked by terrorists in Yemen. That was how he lost a close friend who had shared his love of wrestling. He wants to wrestle, and every match will be in memory of his friend. Rhino says that he’ll be honored to train him. In real life, Neal trains at Team 3D’s school. Either way, he’s a former Navy guy who is legitimately training to wrestle. Good for him. Unfortunately, does anyone else see a collision course between Neal and Rhino and Bashir and the Japanese contingent? As much as I hope they don’t….
To the announce table! Tenay and West talk about upcoming events. For some reason, they think that anyone will actually give two tugs of a dead dog’s cock that “Survivor: Amazon” winner Jenna Moresca will be at the “Lockdown” fan convention. More importantly, The Beautiful People and Madison Rayne jump Raisha Saeed in the back, pull off her head covering, and cut off some of her hair. Saeed’s back stays turned to the camera at all times, so her face is never shown. I guess Kong and Saeed are official faces now.
To the “Rough Cuts” segment! Team 3D talks about their wrestling academy. They congratulate themselves profusely for passing the torch to the next generation and training new guys when lots of veterans won’t. It was a nice package, but I’m sorry, do you want a cookie? There’s quite a lot of self-congratulation going on in TNA amongst the “veteran” crowd about how they put over the younger guys, bring up the next generation, and so on, and that’s just not true. Yes, Team 3D and Beer Money are doing very well. Yes, Mick Foley seems to be keen on working with the Motor City Machine Guns, to a degree. Not much else can be said. Team 3D and the rest of the “veteran” crew will truly be worthy of the accolades they bestow upon themselves when they are no longer the focus of the show. The end.
To the Mike Tenay sit-down interview! Sting tells the story of Mick Foley losing an ear in Germany. He goes on to say that there would be no coming back for him from a major injury this time, and plays up Foley’s unpredictability. This was long, but one of the better Sting promos. He never was a good talker, but his recent TNA work has been the best of his career.
To the back! Lauren rips Abyss a new one for taking the abuse heaped upon him last week by Dr. Stevie. Is she really his girlfriend now? She finally agrees not to report Dr. Stevie, but next week, she’s attending Abyss’s therapy session with him, and Dr. Stevie is going to know everything! Is anyone else uncertain as to what that means?
To the ring! It’s Mick Foley. “To tweak or not to tweak? That is the question.” Ah, Mickles, you kill me! He holds up the work in progress that is his next book, “Crossing the Line.” He decided to tweak the match tonight because of what was in this notebook. Two of his sons, Dewey and Huey (please tell me that someone else thought, “Where’s Louie?”), wanted to look like the Motor City Machine Guns, specifically with haircuts like Alex Shelley. A birthday card with drawings of the MCMG and birthday messages is shown. Foley shows a picture of his younger son with long, golden hair. He says that he went away on the road for a few days, and he came back to see his son sporting an Alex Shelley haircut. A photo confirming this is shown. Foley makes the main event match a “First Blood” match because he wants to make sure that no child ever wants to look anything like Alex Shelley ever again. Tonight, he’s going to carve that kid up like a Thanksgiving turkey. He has tried to keep his home a “Machine Gun-free zone,” and Ted Nugent wouldn’t even want these Guns around. The whole promo was very effective and well-done. Foley came off as angry that his kids idolized someone other than him, and the idea of slaughtering your kids’ heroes because they’re your kids’ heroes is rather heelish. Hopefully, that’s the point they’re going for.
To the back! JB asks the MEM about Sharmell. In case anyone forgot, Samoa Joe walked out of the arena with Sharmell slung over his shoulder. Booker T sits mournfully in a chair, his voice taking a serious tone and nearly breaking. After his very public admission that he uses his TNA television time as free audition time for Hollywood, taking anything that he says on the show seriously is impossible. Today, Mr. BT Huffman (thanks SABUISGOD!) is going for the bereaved parent/spouse role, possibly along the lines of Sean Penn in “Mystic River.” Sharmell hasn’t been the same since Joe took her out of the arena. She hasn’t said a word, and he has no idea what happened. Tonight, what Booker T does to Joe will be left up to Joe’s imagination. Booker leaves, appropriately distressed. Kurt Angle speaks for the first time tonight (GASP!). He says that the match won’t be about the advantage for the “Lethal Lockdown” match. He’s going to the ring with Booker, and if Joe wants to unleash the Nation of Violence, he can unleash it on Angle.
To the back! AJ Styles offers to come to the ring with Joe to balance out Angle. Joe tells AJ that, as far as AJ is concerned, his Nation of Violence is a Nation of One. Joe walks away, but AJ’s sarcastic response of “Oh, really?” rings out loud and clear.
Match #2: Samoa Joe defeats Booker T: This match didn’t even go two minutes. I’m perfectly ok with that. Booker is distracted and distraught. Joe is psychopathic. Why shouldn’t it go like that? Angle trips up Joe and hands Booker a chair, but AJ runs in and pulls the chair away from Angle before attacking him. Joe looked not at all pleased that AJ had shown up. Team Angle and TEam Jarrett are now tied at 1-1 for the “Lethal Lockdown” advantage. Whatever that is.
To the amusement park! Cody Deaner and ODB are on a date. Painfully horrible stuff. They meet a guy in a Woody Woodpecker costume. They played with balls. Yes, all this for some “pecker and balls” jokes. ODB kisses Deaner on the cheek at the end, and he completely flips out. Please end this now.
To the “Rough Cuts” segment! Another look at Team 3D. They talk about the greatest tag teams in history, and the titles that they’ve won in other companies.
To the back! Kevin Nash hits on Jenna Moresca. Again. Ok, wait. So you’re telling me that if I win a reality tv show by getting naked for snack food, pose naked in a magazine, and claim to be a lifelong wrestling fan, I’ll get signed to a contract where I get paid more than real wrestlers to train to actually wrestle in the ring, and get put in a romantic storyline with my favorite wrestler? Where do I sign up???
To the back! Speaking of, Lauren interviews the MCMG. More talk of video games. Shelley announces that they’re so confident that they’ll walk out of this match victorious, that they’ll put their IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Tag Team Championship title belts on the line. Foley can have them if he beats them. Shelley knows that Mick can barely get out of bed in the morning, and they aren’t at all concerned. Chris Sabin gets the mic, and the future Mr. Drowgoddess says that they are going to do what they do best, make a name for themselves. Yes.
Match #3: James Storm (w/ Robert Roode) defeats Scott Steiner (w/ Kevin Nash) by DQ: Why exactly this match happened is anyone’s guess. Team 3D came out to do commentary. Towards the end of the match, Nash interferes and hits Storm with Steiner’s massive pipe (that looks so wrong when I type it), causing a DQ. Team 3D rushes the ring and chases off the Main Event Mafia. More mutual respect between Team 3D and Beer Money.
To the back! The Beautiful People are on their golden thrones. JB asks them about the match tonight. Angelina Love wants to be the Number One Contender to the Knockouts title. Raisha Saeed won’t make the match tonight, as they left her in a pool of her own blood, hair, and vomit. Hold on, did I miss something? I watched it, and I saw hair. No blood, no vomit. Angelina Love is such a dirty pirate hooker. She says untrue things.
Match #4: Awesome Kong defeats Madison Rayne and Velvet Sky: This was supposed to be a tag team match, and it became a handicap match. Fair enough. Not even two minutes did it go. Kong pins Velvet Sky, but Angelina Love runs down and the trio attempts to cut Kong’s hair. They fail, and Taylor Wilde makes the save. No one, I repeat, NO ONE should have to make a save for Awesome Kong.
To the back! JB asks Jarrett what’s going on with Steiner behind closed doors. Jarrett tells JB that it’s none of his business. However, next week, a former TNA champion will turn up for the deciding match in the “Lethal Lockdown” advantage series. The advantage is to have an extra man in the cage when the match starts. Ah, I see. This unknown personage will face Kevin Nash. Please try to control your hysterical laughter. I know. It’s difficult.
To the ring! Sting gets a full entrance as “Special Enforcer.” Special like the Olympics.
Match #5: The Motor City Machine Guns defeat Mick Foley in a “First Blood” match: Oh. My. God. Not only were they in the main event, they technically got a victory. YES! *”Hallelujah Chorus” plays* Foley brought his barbed-wire baseball bat to the ring, and action started off between Foley and Shelley. They end up on the floor outside, where Sabin hits a sweet missile drop kick from the apron on Foley, causing him to crash most painfully. Beautiful double suicide dive from the Guns, sending Foley into the barricade. We go to a commercial break here. When we return, it’s Foley and Sabin in the ring. Shelley hits Foley with a flying forearm. Another Sabin missile drop kick, and stereo enziguris. Shelley is in. From the apron, Sabin makes the Sting battle cry and pounds his chest like an angry gorilla. Sting is angry at this mockery, and the future Mr. Drowgoddess is yanked from the apron and planted on the floor with a Scorpion Death Drop. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Foley hits Shelley with the double-arm DDT, pulls out Mr. Socko, and shoves it down Shelly’s throat. When Foley pulls the sock back, it has blood on it. The referee tries to call for the bell, but Foley won’t allow it. He grabs the mic and says that this little bit isn’t what he promised, or what he’s going to deliver. “Shelley, I’m going to make you suffer.” Foley goes for his barbed-wire baseball bat, and is about to smash Shelley in the groin with it, but Sting steps up and slams a steel chair into Foley’s head. Foley is busted open, and Sting makes the ref declare the MCMG the winners of the match. This is just before Foley and Sting brawl out on the floor.
Yes, I know that we’re lucky to get what we got. Yes, I know that nothing more should be expected. That the MCMG were really pawns in the Sting/Foley feud is not surprising. It just makes them look incredibly weak that they couldn’t beat Foley without help from Sting, who basically handed them the match victory. Alex Shelley has been singled out from the beginning as the problem child, and the person who has issues with Foley, and Chris Sabin is just kind of there. If the MCMG are going to be treated as a unit, everything can’t be Alex Shelley’s fault. It’s a minor thing, but it needs addressing. The top three matches for “Lockdown” are looking very good. One can’t really fault the build for Sting/Foley, Team 3D/Beer Money, or the “Lethal Lockdown” match. The rest of the card seems haphazard and thrown together. Even if it isn’t, it hasn’t been addressed well on television. There’s one more week to make us want to buy “Lockdown.” Let’s see what TNA comes up with.
It seems that the folks at BoredWrestlingFan.com, liked my first column, and have allowed me back for a second week, and with this being Wrestlemania 25 week, I’m here to talk about the WWE’s biggest PPV of the year! Or not.
For you see, in a little over two weeks from now, Total Nonstop Action have a PPV entitled ‘Lockdown’, in which every match takes place, inside of the ‘Six Sides of Steel’. The main event of this event pits the TNA World Champion ‘the Icon’ Sting, against the man of many personas, ‘the Hardcore Legend’ Mick Foley. Two of the oldest, rundown names in TNA go one-on-one for the gold, in a company that is apparently pushing the ‘younger’ talent up the ranks.
Also announced for this PPV, is the New Japan Tag Team Champions, Team 3D, against the TNA Tag Team Champions, Beer Money Inc., in which both sets of titles will be on the line. The event is in Philadelphia, Team3D’s second home you could say, since ECW was based in Philly, so the likeliness of having new TNA Tag Champs, is very likely. However, like I said last week, if your pushing the young guys, have Beer Money win. Even in their little ‘Roughcuts’ interview segment with Brother Ray, he said that he’s there to help the young guys, and put them over. I’m the biggest Beer Money fan I know. I wear my James Storm ‘Sorry About Your Damn Luck’ T-Shirt with pride. If Team 3D win, then TNA inches another step closer to becoming WCW.
Then of course, there’s Lethal Lockdown, where teams of 4 or 5, depending on the year, battle each other to determine which is the better team. The team captains for the match, Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe, which were decided in a 20-man Gauntlet inside the steel, will pick their partners to face the other team. Now Kurt has already gone on record, in picking his team, fellow Main Event Mafia members Booker T, Scott Steiner and Kevin Nash. Samoa Jow on the other hand, doesnt want to be Captain. He just wants to match Jeff Hardy for ridiculous face paint, and carry a blade around with him, to make him look tough. Expect Jeff Jarrett, AJ Styles and Eric Young to be Joe’s partners.
Onto a topic, of a non-wrestling related manner, Jenson Button, driving for Brawn GP, led a 1-2 for his team in the first race of the Formula One season, after Sebastien Vettel, driving for RedBull Racing, and Robert Kubica, driving for BMW-Sauber, collided with each other with three laps to go, whilst sitting second and third respectively. After the 1-2 finish in Melbourne, Australia, Brawn GP decided to sack 270 of its workers. What a way to celebrate,you helped win us the race, now we dont need you. Also, the Brawn GP cars are sponsored by Richard Branson run, Virgin. Does that now mean, that because one of the cars sponsored by Virgin, won the race, will be false advertising for the rest of the year, because it won its first race? I thought you weren’t a Virgin after your first?
Awesome Kong is NOT a match with Al Bundy.
Did You Know? Phillip Seymour Hoffman, is Kurt Angle’s second cousin.
Enjoy the rest of Wrestlemania week! (This coming from the one person, who didnt talk about Wrestlemania in his column.)
After the opening pyro, Mike Tenay promises that we’ll be seeing all the fallout from the “Destination X” pay-per-view last Sunday night. Will Kurt Angle and Sting be able to coexist? And how will the Main Event Mafia react? Because that’s the only possible fallout from an entire ppv. Nothing else could actually be of any interest to anyone.
Seriously. There really is a pay-per-view on Sunday. Tonight’s “Impact” is the go-home show. The question is, is it a home we want to go to? Let’s find out!
Happy Christokwanzaakkah, everyone! Hopefully your plates were full, your stockings stuffed, and your wishes granted. To balance out all that holiday cheer, I invite you to embark with me upon the exercise in masochism that is reviewing “Impact.” No one wishes it were otherwise more than I, but the self-delusion only goes so far.
Hoist that glass of egg nog and let’s cross the line!
