I am so not up for this right now. I’m tired, and I don’t feel much like writing. So, this is what you get.
You know the drill by now. I talk about this show, I show you pictures of Kodos, you go and read the SmackDown review.
Preamble is cut due to time. I had to work late… work rate?
You know what time it is…
Fuck. FUCK. FUCK. I have to watch RAW after that PPV last night? I regretted not ordering Payback last month, and now I really regret it, because it was a far superior show to last night’s Money In The Bank event. I’m happy with the World Championship MITB match. I’m happy with the Divas title match, I’m happy with the Tag Title match, but the rest of last night’s PPV (other than Paul Heyman being the person who did the most damage in the “All-Stars” match last night) can go fuck itself. Oh well, let’s get this over with.
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, then recap the first 30 when I get here (if possible) and then review the rest. There’s usually some craziness involved with this, some things I write don’t actually happen, and Kodos always shows up. Also, I play by my own rules. Screw you, SmackDown review!
One thing I can say, is that I’m glad this is a go-home Smackdown episode. Nothing really will be established and I can rip through it in record time. Since I plan on hitting up the world famous Calgary Stampede for an annual day-night of debauchery, I should get my ass to Mars sooner than later anyways.
Hopping time…close enough for me!
“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
– No voice over guy again this week. Perhaps since the WWE parodied TNA’s Gutcheck segment on RAW this week, they are taking a break from mimicking them? I’m taking a break from all the gimmicks I do in my reviews too, so I guess we’re even, huh WWE? I’ll still bring the gif love, though. I’m not that cruel.
– * Daniel Bryan vs. Christian. Right into the match, and Christian’s stage screen doesn’t display him as Michael Mcgillicutty as it did on RAW. Peeps versus goats, I suppose. The match has a good start, building up intensity as it should. And while we hit commercials with Christian laid outside the ring, it comes courtesy a sick looking flying knee to the head courtesy of D-Bry. Things return to messy sick moves and referee counting. He’s clearly been paying attention to Sheamus’ lessons. An amusing spot has Bryan exchanging kicks to Christian’s knee, while Christian returns the favor with slaps to the face. In a very solid match, Bryan ultimately submits Christian with a No Lock!
Oops.
– The rest of tonight’s card looks to be very redundant.
– The Ghost of Teddy Long is talking with someone on the phone, and Dolph Ziggler shows up to chat. News for Ziggler, he has the night off. Since ADR is wrestling later tonight, Teddy does not want any interference. Vickie Guerrero was fired on Monday and for some reason Teddy thinks if a run in occurs tonight he’ll be fired. The fuck? A logic gap so wide…
A goddamn broom.
– * Jey Uso vs. Seth Rollins. Getting the hype up for the pre-show Youtube match? Great. Seth Rollins more or less dominates this (as he should) to start. Jey gets a wee bit of offensive attacks in, as he “Samoas Up” no selling a few chops. Jey continues with a Rikishi-esque ass attack to a prone Rollins in the corner, and a near fall with some kind of finisher. But Rollins comes back and wraps up this four minute match. The Shield stand atop the announcer table displaying their belts.
– * Non-Title Match: Curtis Axel {C} vs. Chris Jericho. Again, potential for a good little match. But a meaningless one at that. Non-title, whoop dee doo. Notwithstanding, it’s still a highly watchable match. Paul Heyman’s facials take the cake, as the two deliver in the match. Jericho is doing his best to help make this guy (albeit, is too much damage already been done?). Axel ultimately is counted out and Jericho wins. I don’t think that helped Axel’s push at all, and I have to wonder if he will retain the title on Sunday…
That’s how it’s down. Screw the gun.
– No plot development really this week, as we just once again hop into another bout. I’m not complaining, but am having a tough time with being invested since all the matches of significance are on Sunday. Regardless, it’s a nice break from some of the crap this show can deliver on occasion.
@Charles Barkley @G: “What I’m saying, G, is that I’m convinced if I put the Kane mask on, I can win the MitB match.”
@G @Charles Barkley: “I am still convinced people will know you’re not him. Plus he’s out of the match.”
– * Ryback vs. The Miz. Yawn. FFW on 2/5. The highlight of the match is when Ryback feigns his knee injury shtick like when he couldn’t finish the match, then takes out Miz with the ShellShock. Post match he continues to sell his injury. I don’t know what to think about this.
– Backstage Renee Young interviews Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt about the All Star MitB match. Sheamus rambles on about how the Irish chased the snakes out of Ireland, and not being afraid of heights. He promises to win and take the briefcase. Then he hits on Renee a bit. Great.
Sometimes you have to slow down and smell the foot kicking you in the face.
– Teddy Long is in the ring with a whole lotta Divas for a contract signing between AJ Lee and Kaitlyn. AJ notes that no one cared about the Diva division until she won the title (sadly true). AJ is cut off from her rant by Long to shut up and sign the contract. AJ continues to berate Kaitlyn and lists off her messages to her secret admirer which buries Natalya, The Funkadactyls, and further cyber bullying. AJ attempts to use this to manipulate Kaitlyn into backing down. Nope. Kaitlyn drops the “C” word, gets a smack from AJ. So Kaitlyn shoves the table and AJ seated on the other side into the corner of the ring trapping her!! Then she proceeds to pummel the shit out of her, until Biggie Smalls pulls her off the table. Wow! That was surprisingly entertaining and awesome. Well, I’ll be damned. I’m more interested in that than anything I’ve seen tonight.
Give the guy a break, he’s dead after all.
– * Fandango vs. Wade Barrett. Another match I could give a shit about. I’ll watch it, that’s part of the deal. But not with my FULL attention. What to say here… hmm… Coulter is on commentary with Swagger and Cesaro standing looking on. Team Rhodes Scholars comes out and starts yelling at them, this distracts Barrett, and Fandango rolls up Barrett for the win. Wow.
It’s not his fault.
– Clips of the Bray Wyatt family debut on RAW. Great stuff, loved the segment. Hated the “Husky Harris” chants, but fuck those smarks. They’re probably the same pricks online complaining about the WWE not making new stars. Good job, fuckwads.
– * Alberto Del Rio vs. Sin Cara. Why? Blue lights last seconds, fortunately, since most people hate those. Sin Cara starts heavy and hard on the offensive, and is surprisingly awesome, but that’s because it’s Dolph Ziggler under the mask. The announcers act the fool, but last time I checked, Sin Cara doesn’t have blond hair. EXCUSE ME! The fuck? Vickie is back shrieking about being fired, and that Teddy Long should be fired for this. I think, I can’t understand her. Teddy Long makes his way out. “On Monday Night, Stephanie McMahon had two words for you: You’re fired. Well, tonight I have one word for you: Security!”. She is escorted from the arena, and lord knows how in storyline mode she actually was allowed into the building. Oh well, that was surprisingly fun. Next up? Yawn.
Not so fast fella, Goat powers include amazing agility and speed.
– Teddy Long walks up to Sin Cara asking him why he’s here, thinking it was Dolph Ziggler. Then Ziggler jumps into the shot, thanking Long for the night off. Shenanigans involving Ziggler and Sin Cara? Weird. Just plain weird.
App? App? App?
– * Sheamus vs. Randy Orton (Fandango Classic Rematch!). Fuck this. Remember WHY the fans started doing the dance on the RAW after WM29? Because, this. I FFW through all of this. Until the end when Daniel Bryan runs out, pulls a ladder from beneath the ring and uses it to hit both the robot and the yogurt simultaneously. He then proceeds to go for the briefcase (for some reason), but Sheamus thwarts him. Then Christian runs in, more thwarting, but is reverse thwarted. Another reverse thwart. Daniel Bryan pushes the ladder over, tossing Captain Charisma to the outside, attempts to climb, Nope! Randall Keith Orton Cheeseburger’s the Goat and climbs for the fake MitB contract. Orton gets it, but IT MEANS NOTHING! He stares at it intensely, possibly wondering why the hell this is the end of the show.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet
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WTF?
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When will Joe noticed I changed this section? Maybe on BWF Radio, this Sunday at 2 PM EST? Which Sunday?
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Shameless Plugs!
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Well here we are for this weeks edition of Main Event which this week happened on our very own G’s birthday, Happy Birthday G! So here’s what happened: (more…)
I have hope. I have hope that after last night, the WWE is ready to turn the corner and start producing compelling television. CM Punk is back. Rob Van Dam is coming back. They pulled off the elusive double turn with Alberto Del Rio and Dolph Ziggler, which I fully expect them to solidify on tonight’s show. Plus another surprise pops up in the first 30 minutes of this episode, which I’m sure will be exciting for some people. Let’s roll!
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, avoid spoilers like (and from) the plague, and then watch the entire show when I get here. That’s how ThinkSoJoE’s RAW reviews work. Also, I play by my own rules. Screw you, SmackDown review!
Normally I end my intro blah’s with “hopping time” or some variation of such. Nope. Not so much this week.
See, See? You killed him.
Gravity wins again. It’s falling down time smarks, hit the link below. I get progressively angrier and jaded during this review. Maybe it’s just this week, maybe it’s not. The ball is in the WWE’s court on this one…
Antonio Cesaro puts the W in WWE. Brock takes the W out of WWE.
This week on BWF Radio, Doc Knight of Original Stampede Wrestling returns to BoredWrestlingFan to give us a status update on the promotion, and to answer some frequently asked questions regarding OSW, his health, and other topics as relates to Calgary pro wrestling and pro wrestling in general. Jorge leaves early to see Iron Man 3, and Brian tells him it’s not that great. Rytman wonders whether he’s tuned into a German porn video as things are constantly “shit on.” In the news we hear about Paul London and Dolph Ziggler’s concussions, Jay Briscoe’s anti-gay twitter remarks, and Hulk Hogan’s lawsuits. We also get a status update on Saturday Morning Slam. Don’t miss the reaction when we find out that Michael Cole is going to climb Mt. Whitney with JBL. All this, and much more! Tune in!
BoredWrestlingFan Radio Episode 73 (MP3, 2:22:54)
This week’s break song was “Sin and Bones” by Fozzy. Buy it here.
MATCH RESULTS
RICARDO RODRIGUEZ DEF. BIG E. LANGSTON & ZEB COULTER – This is a Triple Threat match, with each man representing a superstar in the Triple Threat for the World Heavyweight Championship at Extreme Rules. The winner decides the stipulation in that match.
The match is basically Big E. brutalizing Ricardo while Zeb hangs back on the apron. Whenever the tide turns, Zeb tries to get involved but only brings his opponents attention on himself, setting them up to ambush each other.
While Zeb cries about his trick knee going out to avoid a confrontation w/Big E. Ricardo tries hitting Big E. w/his bucket, to no avail.
Alberto Del Rio jumps in and takes Big E. down w/an inziguri. Ziggler takes out ADR w/the dropkick. Swagger tosses Ziggler. Big E. takes Swagger and himself out w/a clothesline. Zeb tries to pin Ricardo, but AJ tosses herself under the ref’s arm to block the count. When Zeb complains, Ricardo rolls Zeb up for the three-count.
RANDY ORTON DEF. CODY RHODES – Slow-paced back and forth battle, but w/hard hitting spots strung together. Neither man keeps control of the match longer than a minute, before their opponent takes over. Pace picks up after the break, and ends with Cody jumping off the ropes into an RKO.
After the match, Matt Striker interviews Orton about his loss at Wrestlemania, and if he’s “haunted” by being knocked out. Orton claims he’s never felt so “extreme” and RKO’s Cody again.
FUNKADATCYL NAOMI (W/CAMERON) DEF. BRIE BELLA (W/NIKKI) (REVERSED DECISION) – Before the match, we see the Bellas backstage, complaining about being shut out of the Diva Royal last week, and trashing them while plugging their new reality show on the “E” Network.
After a break, we come back to the Bellas in the ring and a promo spot for “Total Divas” on E!
The match barley goes more than a minute, with Naomi dominating until the Bellas pull the “twin magic” bit and they get the three-count w/a small package. Cameron complains to the ref who reverses the decision and awards it to Naomi. The Bellas respond to this by rushing back into the ring and beating the Funky cheerleaders down.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION DOLPH ZGGLER (W/AJ & BIG E) DEF. U.S. CHAMPION KOFI KINGSTON – Before the match, we’re told Kofi is a new father and will be defending his title against Antonio Cesaro this Wednesday on Main Event.
Big week for Kofi.
Match slowly built to a fast-paced spot-fest that got the crowd going. Kofi hits “Trouble in Paradise” but Ziggler is saved by AJ getting his foot across the ropes. (At least that’s what they went for/how they sold it.) Match ends when Kofi catapults Ziggler into the corner, goes to the second rope, and tries a flying body-press, but misses and hits the mat. Ziggler hits the “Zig-Zag” and gets the three-count.
JACK SWAGGER (W/ZEB COULTER) DEF. ZACK RYDER – Ryder tries to get the crowd going by showing a video of Zeb getting pinned by Ricardo. This gets Swagger enraged, and Zack pays the price, as Swagger unloads on him. Ryder puts up more of a fight than we’d expect, however this ends w/Ryder tapping out to the ankle lock.
After the match, Swagger holds Ziggler so Zeb can get in a shot.
ALBERTO DEL RIO (W/RICARDO RODRIGUEZ) DEF. ANTONIO CESARO – Both men use the same strategy of targeting the left arm in the beginning. Cesaro fights dirty w/hair pulling and biting, while ADR uses quickness to keep Cesaro on defense. After the break, Cesaro is in control, using his power to hold down Del Rio, and his forearm shots to get a few two-counts, while the crowd starts the “Ole!” chant. (Oddly, Ricardo tries to get one going for Del Rio.) Del Rio’s agility decides this as Cesaro misses a charge into the corner post. He tries to roll up Del Rio, but Alberto locks in the cross-arm-bar. Cesaro tries for the ropes, but can’t make it, and taps out.
After the match, Del Rio announces the stipulation for his triple threat title match at Extreme Rules. He chooses to make it a ladder match.
THE SHIELD DEF. WWE CHAMPION JOHN CENA/WWE TAG CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO (KANE/DANIEL BRYAN) – Match starts out as a brawl, and the faces clear the ring quickly. Kane starts off brutalizing Ambrose, who quickly tags in Reigns, who doesn’t do much better but does get Kane back into their corner. Rollins comes in, and Kane takes over. At one point, Kane teases choke-slamming the ref when he tries to get Kane to back off Rollins. Cena tags himself in and he and Bryan get Kane to calm down. Cena is in for only a few seconds before his tendon injury acts up, and he quickly tags in Bryan. Bryan and Kane carry the load in this match, and are in control until the break. We come back with Bryan in trouble as each Shield member takes turns punishing him. Bryan gets Kane back in, and Kane unleashes his fury on the Shield. Match spills to the floor and Kane takes a D.D.T. on the concrete. Kane just barley beats the ten count back in, and makes the tag to Cena. Cena come in strong, but the tendon gives out on him when he tries to AA Rollins. Reigns spears Cena, and gets a three count.
ANGLES/STORYLINES
WORLD WISH DAY: We’re told about WWE champ John Cena hurting himself on the European tour, and how he made being on RAW this night a priority. This was “World Wish Day,” and Cena had a special presentation to make.
After the break, we see Cena meeting a very sick boy named Nick on the Today Show. He meets Nick and invites him and his family to Monday Night RAW.
Cena comes out with Nick and two other kids who wanted to go to RAW. This was a promotion for the Make-a-Wish foundation and Cena reminded us all to go to wish.org/wwe to learn how we can help make wishes come true. To make it even more special, Cena decides to make the kids honorary superstars.
The first boy, Jacob, declares himself “The Eliminator.” The second, Nick, calls himself “Nick the Stitch.” And the last boy was “Lightning Logan.” Cena goads the crowd into giving the kids a big cheer, and thanks us for making this special moment even better.
WWE has granted over 5000 Make-a-Wish foundation wishes since 1982.
SHIELD/HELL NO + RYBACK/CENA: – The Shield come out to cut a promo about their success in keeping Ryback from winning the WWE title, and run down a list of everyone they’ve put down, including The Rock, the Big Show, Sheamus, and Cena.
“No one can stop the #HoundsOfJustice! Not even a giant! Not a warrior! And not even the Champ!” – @TheShieldWWE
The Shield brings up their beat-down of the Undertaker on Smackdown last Friday, mentioning how Justice doesn’t care if you’re undefeated at Wrestlemania.
“When your number gets called, justice strikes without mercy!” – @TheShieldWWE
Suddenly, 3MB, (Slater, McIntyre, Mahal,) make their entrance.
“3MB? Why?” – Jerry Lawler
Slater tells the Shield to shut up. They want payback for the Shield interrupting their beat-down of Triple H two weeks ago.
“Now, we crash YOUR party. And ROCK YOUR FACE!” – @JinderMahal
The band hits the ring, and it goes badly for them. Shield is in control, until the pyro hits. WWE tag champs team Hell No runs in and chases them off.
Backstage: Cena gets his heel taped up. Ryback comes in to comment on it. Cena notes he’s “hurt” not “injured,” and can still go.
“I’m more effective on one leg than you are on two.” – @JohnCena
Ryback says he can’t take that chance.
Later in the show, Ryback goes to RAW Managing Supervisor Vicki Gurrero (and her assistant Brad Maddox) to complain about working with a hurt partner. Vicki says she’ll pull Cena and make team Hell No Ryback’s partners. Ryback doesn’t trust either of those guys and simply says “No.”
The next time we see Ryback, it’s as he’s bailing while Matt Striker tries to interview him.
Later in the night, Maddox tells Hell No they have to fight without Ryback, fine with them. Vicki tells Maddox he has one more thing to do.
Maddox talks to Cena about the match tonight. Cena makes it clear he will be wrestling tonight.
“No, I’m hurt. YOU will be hurt bad if you don’t go tell your boss I’m fine tonight.” – @JohnCena
After the match, (see above,) Ryback is on the stage, smug and satisfied seeing Cena hurt in the ring.
AJ/KAITLIN: The “Dolph-tourage” (Copyright: Robert Rytman) is backstage, congratulating themselves on a great win over Kofi (see above.) Kaitlin and Natalya cross paths with them. They trade some harsh words until Kaitlin receives a package. It’s a hat to match her bracelet from a “secret admirer.” (It’s Hornswoggle, I know it.)
HENRY/SHEAMUS: “Worlds Strongest Man” Mark Henry is out, challenging anyone in the back to a tug of war. Brodus and “Sweet T” both took his challenge and lost. Sheamus came out to take the challenge, and faked out Henry, letting the rope go so that he fell on his ass, then gave him the brogue kick.
DANCE CHALLENGE: FANDANGO VS.KAHLI – Both men are asked about Jericho’s stint on “Dancing with the Stars.” Both men claim to be better. The crowd gives it to Khali, Fandango beats him up.
In conclusion; this was a night of perfectly good wrestling marred by a lot of stupid filler.
Well here’s the results from this week’s Main Event or should I say Mark Henry’s Main Event: