Cross the line!

We open with Matt Morgan and a baseball bat. Morgan wants to smash Kurt Angle’s head in with said bat. Angle and the Main Event Mafia get him in the ring and Angle explains that he didn’t pin Morgan and keep the title on purpose. He just fell on him after thinking that he had hit Sting. They agree to team up and take on Team 3D in a tables match. I was late getting to the show, so I missed most of this.

Match #1: Beer Money vs. The British Invasion: This was a street fight, and a non-title match. I’m still getting caught up, so specific moves are not being detailed right now. Loud chants of “We want tables!” Kendo sticks, trash cans, plastic bags, and both members of Beer Money in street clothes. Berr Money dominates rather well. Storm gets knocked off the ring post, but Roode gets in and puts Brutus Magnus through a trash can and gets the pin for the win. Magnus and Roode were very bloody.

To the back! Lauren interviews the Beautiful People. They sit on their thrones. Madison Rayne has been kicked to the curb, and TBP will get her tonight. Short but awesomely fun promo, as per usual from TBP.

To the back! Cody Deaner and ODB argue loudly over Deaner’s status as Knockouts champion. Foley and JB are talking, but Foley offers to help. Deaner uses Foley’s white board to visually demonstrate that when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of you and umption. Foley says that he will retreat to his inner sanctum, and issue a verdict on the Knockouts champion status next week on “iMPACT.” Abyss comes up and Foley thanks him for his help against Nash at the ppv. Foley gives Abyss a gift. “Is it groceries? I love groceries!” Foley tells Abyss that it isn’t groceries. It is, in fact, a blue flannel. Abyss cries. Foley says that there is no crying in wrestling. Abyss straightens up. Foley and Abyss discuss spilling their own blood. Foley wants his bat back.

Mike Tenay and Taz are the official broadcast team. Don West has been promoted within the merchandising company. Tenay and Taz run down the evening’s card.

Match #2: Madison Rayne vs. Angelina Love: Rayne enters to the Beautiful People’s music, alone and looking scared. Love jumps Rayne from behind and throws her into the barricade. Love manhandles Rayne to the ring. Love pins Rayne in a matter of seconds. Velvet Sky scampers down to the ring. TBP put the boots to Rayne, and give her the Brown Paper Bag treatment. Tara and Christy Hemme run to Rayne’s aid, and TBP bail.

The Motor City Machine Guns bring us all a public service message. Their lack of tv time has made their paychecks smaller. The MCMG are all about three things: Entertaining you, the fans. Getting laid. Getting paid. For $2000 an hour, you can hire their services. They’ll play video games, go see movies, or sit on your couch and do absolutely nothing while you make them dinner. Call now, and they’ll throw in a free Sham-Wow! I’ll continue this real-time when I get back from the bank. 

Match #3: Samoa Joe vs. Homicide: X-Division Champion Samoa Joe has a rematch against Homicide from the ppv. Joe’s strikes seem lacking in power. Joe hits a nice snap slam on Homicide, but Homicide kicks out at two. Joe continues to outpower Homicide, but the Notorious 187 refuses to stay down. Homicide uses speed, and takes Joe down, but can’t get the three-count. Joe gets the pin with a muscle buster. Clean win for Joe.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero, totally pimped out, arrives in a chauffeured car.

To the back! Lauren interviews Tara, Christy Hemme, Sarita, and Taylor Wilde are very happy. Next week starts a Knockouts tag team tournament. Tara and Christy will team up, as will Taylor Wilde and Sarita. Tonight is the Four-way dance between Traci Brooks, Awesome Kong, Sarita, and Christy Hemme.

Match #4: Awesome Kong (w/ Raisha Saeed) vs. Traci Brooks (w/ Sharmell) vs. Sarita (w/ Taylor Wilde) vs. Christy Hemme (w/ Tara): This was a four-way singles match. Kong and Sarita start. Kong totally outpowers Sarita. Sarita pulls the ropes and Kong goes over the top and hits the floor. Sarita takes down Traci with a spinning head scissors. Traci and Christy slap at each other. Kong clotheslines Traci on the floor. Sarita flies over the top and takes out Kong. We go to a commercial break. When we return, Christy goes for the FFCLG, but Kong plants her. Christy later hits the FFCLD on Traci, but Kong hits Christy with the Implant Buster. Sarita tries a missile dropkick, but Kong catches her and throws her down. While Kong climbs to the top turnbuckle, Traci rolls over and steals the pin on Christy. Traci gets the win. KONG MAD! KONG SMASH! Kong throws chairs as the remaining Knockouts bail up the ramp.

Consequences Creed (w/ Jay Lethal) is in the ring when we return from a commercial break.

Match #5: “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero vs. Consequences Creed: Lethal is sent to the back by the ref. Pope and Creed exchange arm holds. Creed hits a springboard clothesline, and takes down Pope. Pope returns the favor with a stiff punch. Pope hits a Bronco Buster from behind, sliding through the ropes to the floor. Pope follows up with a barrage of stiff punches and a sleeper hold. Creed fights to his feet. Pope goes for a kick, but Creed catches the foot. Pope is all charisma and flash, a total major league player. Pope pulls down his knee pads and hits Creed with a running double knee to the back. Pope gets the pin and win. Post-match, the lights go out and Suicide’s music plays. Suicide rushes the ring and attacks Pope. Pope bails and looks at Suicide with the Booker T googly eyes. Suicide gestures at Pope with the slice across the throat.

AJ Styles walks toward the ring from backstage.

To the back! Lauren interviews Matt Morgan, asking him if he’s buying what Angle said earlier. Morgan claims that he’s totally buying it because Kurt Angle never lies. He slips up and says Angle will get his “boot” instead of his “back.” Morgan blames his inexperience and nervousness.

To the ring! AJ Styles is in street clothes. He has a mic. The audience chants his name loudly. He says that he’s had it pretty rough for the last few weeks. He always had it rough, but he never quit. He is proud of the man that he has become. More “AJ!” chants. What he isn’t so proud of is losing the Legends title, losing the matches against Matt Morgan, and losing friends like Eric Young and Samoa Joe. He has already missed half the lives of his kids while he’s on the road, and when he is home, he can’t stop being bothered by things like this from work. He yells at his family over petty things because he’s hung up on the work problems. It isn’t worth it. It’s time for AJ Styles to say goodbye to professional wrestling. He loves the TNA fans, and he’s sorry. Sting walks out in street clothes and sunglasses. Loud crowd chants of “Sting!” Sting grabs a mic. He asks AJ if that’s the legacy that AJ really wants to leave after seven years. He says that AJ is saying, “I quit.” He’s quitting on his wife, his kids, the fans, the little kids who want to be him. Sting takes off the glasses and tells AJ that he’s quitting on him too. Right now, AJ is a loser because quitting is what losers do. Does AJ think that Sting hasn’t suffered, both professionally and personally? He hasn’t quit in over twenty years. He wanted to pass the torch to somebody, somebody who could bring honor, dignity, and respect back to the business. He had been talking about AJ the whole time. AJ is, or was, the Chosen One. AJ can either go home and quit, or go in the back, lace up his boots, and claim what is his. AJ is near tears, but he stops, and hugs Sting. Sting says that AJ is supposed to be “The Man,” and tells AJ to come with him. They leave up the ramp together as Taz and Tenay wonder if AJ has really quit or not.

To the back! Lauren asks Hernandez when he plans to cash in his briefcase for a World title shot. Hernandez says that the night he cashes it in will be the night he becomes World Heavyweight Champion. Eric Young interrupts, and tells Hernandez to come talk to him, presumably about joining World Elite. 

To the announce table! “The Boss” Bobby Lashley comes to the announce table, and says that next week will be the TNA television debut of TNA President Dixie Carter. She will announce, among other things, Bobby Lashley’s role in TNA. Tenay invites Lashley to stay at the table and join the commentary. He accepts.

Match #6: Team 3D vs. Matt Morgan and Kurt Angle: Team 3D enters first. Matt Morgan enters next. Kurt Angle enters, but makes a beeline for Lashley and attacks him at the announce table. Lashley fights back, but Angle makes it to the ring. This was a tables match. Angle and Brother Ray start. Typical Team 3D tables match, with lots of stiff punches and forearms. Team 3D targets Angle’s neck. Morgan overpowers Devon. Team 3D double-teams Morgan over the ropes, and follow up on Angle. When we return from commercial break, Devon leaps off the rope to deliver the Wazzup. “Get the tables!” Team 3D sets up the tables in the ring. Morgan rolls into the ring and clotheslines Team 3D from behind. Morgan moves a table and gestures for a chokeslam. Morgan chokeslams Devon, but Ray moves the table. Angle tags in. Angle goes after Devon, whose mouth appears to be bleeding. Angle goes for an Angle Slam through a table, but Morgan moves the table just as Devon reverses the move. Morgan rushes at another table with a Carbon Footprint, but breaks the table on his own. The match continues, as no one was put through a table by an opponent. Team 3D dominates, and Ray hits Angle with a super kick on the floor. Ray brings another table from the backstage area. Angle fights off Team 3D alone in the ring. Angle calls Morgan into the ring afterwards. Morgan’s knee is still bad from the bothced kick through the table. Angle orders Morgan to the top rope, but Morgan’s knee can’t handle it. Team 3D grab him on the top rope and throw Morgan through the table. Team 3D wins.  Post-match, Angle and Morgan yell at each other.

The End.

It appears that everyone else has forgotten about the little one-hour show every Tuesday nights on Syfy called ECW, so I am here to catch you up.

8/11 RESULTS

Shelton Benjamin def. Zack Ryder

After last week’s actions in the Abraham Washington show between the two, it was Benjamin who got the win with the Pay Dirt.

Paul Birchill attacks Gregory Helms, accusing him of being the masked superhero who has been coming to the rescue in recent weeks.

Vladimir Kozlov def. Random Jobber #1

After Kozlov won, Ezekial Jackson also beat down Random Jobber, causing a staredown between the two.

Yoshi Tatsu def. Paul Birchill via DQ

Birchill’s valet, Katie-Lea got involved, causing the DQ. After the match, the Hurricane came to the ring and attacked Birchill.

Tyler Reks def. Random Jobber #2

Not much to say, really.

On the Abraham Washington show, William Regal was announced as #1 contender for Christian’s ECW Championship. Nothing wrong with Regal being #1 contender, but someone should mute Abraham Washington.

William Regal def. Tommy Dreamer

Dreamer, still suffering injuries from the Extreme Rules match with Christian the week previously, fell to the man from Blackpool, England.

8/19 RESULTS

The Hurricane def. Paul Birchill

In his first offical match back, the Hurricane is victorious after hitting the Eye Of The Hurricane.

The Abraham Washington show featured Goldust, and then Sheamus. Sheamus calls Goldust lucky for beating him on Superstars, a stare down followed.

Zack Ryder def. Yoshi Tatsu

Ryder won after the Zack Attack. Does ECW have more than 10 guys on the roster?

ECW Champion Christian and Ezekial Jackson def. William Regal and Vladimir Kozlov by DQ

Dreamer was scheduled to be the Champ’s partner, but he was beat down by Regal and Kozlov earlier, so Christian chose Big Zeke, who proceeded to join Regal and Kozlov in a 3-on-1 assault on Christian.

That’s ECW all caught up. Tune in next week, for more ECW action.

Welcome to the war for another week.

Rather than begin with the usual, I have to start with the NFL. It seems that everyone can come back from retirement/jail. Michael Vick signed a two-year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles, after spending 21 months on the inside for dog fighting. Brett Favre has come back from retirement for the second time, this time joining the Minnesota Vikings on a two-year deal, making the off-season trade for Sage Rosenfels pretty much useless. Donovan McNabb suggested that Plaxico Burress ‘wouldn’t hurt’ in an Eagles uniform. Here’s the quote from McNabb at ESPN.com

“I don’t think he would hurt,” McNabb said. “We have some great guys here at our receiver position. But, whatever you can do to enhance the team, you would look into it.”

According to what I’m reading, the Eagles suddenly want to become the new Cincinnati Bengals of the league. However, it will be interesting as to how the Eagles accommodate Vick into their offence. Whether, it’s as a back-up QB, or as part of some sort of Wildcat offence, if Vick is anything like he was back in the days under centre for my Atlanta Falcons, then Philly fans will have a good season to look forward to. Either that, if Vick is a flop, then play the Baha Men during each game.

Speaking of returning Quarterbacks, as I mentioned earlier, Brett Favre has return to the NFL, with the Minnesota Vikings, after not being able to play for them last year, due to the Packers trade stipulations. It seems that last year’s season with the New York Jets was just filler. With Favre, Rosenfels and Tarvaris Jackson all capable of playing in the QB slot, who gets the job? The easy pick is Favre, but how much would that deflate the confidence of the other two? Here it is, pre-season and you have two QB’s vying for one starting job, when low and behold, here comes the supposed savior of the franchise. The man who’s going to bring them success. Surely that doesn’t to the confidence of the others any good? It wouldn’t matter if some players on the team want him there, the Vikings are going to be in turmoil the whole year, regardless of how successful they are on the field.

In wrestling news, TNA and Spike TV have agreed to a new three-year extension to their deal. This is great news for TNA President Dixie Carter and the rest of their crew, as they will have a permanent option for iMPACT. Along with their weekly show, TNA will also provide a series of one-hour specials featuring the biggest personalities, plus some of the greatest and most awe-inspiring matches in the history of the company. I thought they had a show for that? It was called TNA Epics.

TNA Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle was arrested this past week for stalking TNA KnockOut, and girlfriend of Angle, Trenesh Biggers aka Rhaka Khan outside a Starbucks. Police also charged Angle with harassment, possession of the Human Growth Hormone Hygetropin, and a syringe which he used to insert the substance. Angle claims he has a doctor’s prescription for the HGH. Also, adding to all this, he was driving with a suspended license, from a previous drink-driving charge.

My question is, why wasn’t Kurt Angle punished for any of this? Even worse, he was rewarded, when he retained the Championship against Sting and Matt Morgan at the recent PPV entitled ‘Hard Justice‘. TNA need to strip him of the belt, and suspend him indefinitely until this whole thing gets put to bed. How flattering does it sound, to hear that your company’s World Champion, has been arrested and charged with what I mentioned previously? Kurt Angle is not a God-like figure, even though TNA thinks he is.

At this time, the preliminary hearing against Angle was set for Tuesday, although no details have been released.

Although Angle’s title win at Hard Justice wasn’t the only title defended at the event, the big news coming out of it, is that the Main Event Mafia, now hold the Tag Team, X-Division, Legends and World Championship. This is very significant in terms of power and control as it regards to the locker room, and with an announcement from ‘the Pheonomenal’ AJ Styles scheduled for this week’s iMPACT. Things could finally be turning in the right direction, that is, unless the Angle mess doesn’t get cleaned up quickly, but most importantly, the right way.

If the rumours are correct, and that AJ’s announcement this week will be about his retirement, then it would be a massive blow to TNA. AJ is a talent inside the ring, and one of the few originals remaining. Plus with Sting’s expected retirement at the Bound For Glory PPV later this year. TNA could lose to of its biggest names within three months of each other.

In WWE news now, and the annual SummerSlam PPV is this Sunday night, or Monday morning for the likes of me living in the Land Down Under. The double main event sees WWE Champion Randy orton take on John Cena, and a Tables, Ladders and Chairs match for the World Heavyweight Championship, between the Champion Jeff Hardy, and the challenger, CM Punk. Although, that isnt the news exciting the young fans around the world. The fifteenth re-incarnation of D-Generation X will appear, as Triple H and Shawn Michaels return together again, to take on Ted DiBiase Jr. and Cody Rhodes. I must admit, I was a massive fan of DX, this DX, and this DX. Not the current form. I know it’s never going to happen, but how big of a boost would it be for Legacy to get the victory in this one?

Anyway, that’d just about do it for this week. I think i’ve done enough rambling for one week. Tune in to BoredWrestlingFan.com throughout the week for various columns and show reviews. Don’t forget to check my WWE Vintage Collection reviews at WorldWrestlingInsanity.com. Also, you can find me trolling through the forums at either of the two places I mentioned. I know, I know, I’m in a few places, but hey, they’re good places to be. Go check them out some time. Who knows, you might just feel a little stiff, at what they provide.

As we start, I’m having issues with my computer.  Anyways, Freddie

Prinze, Jr. kicks the show off, as he’s tonight’s guest host.  He’s a lifelong WWE fan, just like us.  He’s got the closet full of action figures, he’s got the Colusseum Home Videos hosted by Mean Gene, and he even had the WWF Superstars of Ice Cream Bars that would make you vomit if you ate them, but tonight’s about the WWE Universe!  He decides that we’re going to start SummerSlam right here tonight!  The Divas and United States Championships are on the line tonight.  Also tonight, the return of DX!  But he’s not finished…

He’s interrupted by some ominous sounding music, and some guy in black leather and a hook in his hand, apparently from “I Know What You Did Last Summer” (which sucked, BTW), makes his way down to the ring.  The guy takes the microphone and tells him he knows what he did last summer.  And he knows what he’s going to do this Summer.  You’re going “to put me in one of your mooooovieees!”  It’s Santino!  He says he would be a good fisherman, and he has written a screenplay called “I know what you did about 12 Summers Ago.”  He says he could be in a romantic comedy.  He puts on a wig and glasses as the melody from “Kiss Me” plays.  He says he’s obviously a nerd, but then Freddy made a bet with the guy from The Fast and the Furiest, and then, Pow, Santino is like a sexy, hot guy.  They could call it, “He’s All That.”  Freddie thinks it’s good, but Santino needs a little help.  Santino says he needs something more current.  He points out that Prinze will be in “24,” and Santino thinks he needs a partner.  Santino goes into FBI mode and interrogates Lillian Garcia.  He tells Prinze to call Keifer Sutherland, and his wife the werewolf slayer, and tell them that Santino Marella is an actor.  Prinze says that he’ll call everybody, but Santino has to spend the next two hours rehearsing.  Prinze says at least there’s no Scooby Doo joke.  Anyways, he’s got a match to make tonight.  In the main event, it’s going to be so sick…

I hear voices in my head…

The WWE Champion interrupts.  Tonight he’s teaming with John Cena, but screw that.  He doesn’t have to team with Cena, so he won’t.  Prinze reminds him that he’s in his hometown.  Orton says he doesn’t care if the fans get to see him wrestle or not.  It’s not about them.  He’s the WWE Champion and it’s about him.  He’s not going to ask again.  Orton tells Prinze to take him out of this match.  Prinze asks if he looks like Seth Green or Jeremy Piven.  He tells Orton not to try and bully him.  Sgt. Slaughter made the match, and he’s not going to change it.  He will compete tonight, he will team with Cena, and he will face the Unified Tag Team Champions.  Orton grabs Prinze and drops him with his neckbreaker/backbreaker combo.  Referees and EMTs make their way out to check on Prinze as the WWE Champion slithers his way back up the ramp.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Before the break, Orton hit Freddie Prinze Jr. with a neckbreaker.  He’s been taken to a nearby medical facility, and we’ll get an update on his condition later on in the show, hopefully.

Meanwhile, this match is scheduled for one fall and it is for the United States Championship!

Tradition be damned, the United States Champion, Kofi Kingston is out first for this match.  This past Thursday on WWE Superstars, Carlito pinned Kofi in a mixed tag match.  Guess who Kofi’s opponent is?  That’s right, it’s Carlito, who is accompanied by Rosa Mendez.

Kofi Kingston def. Carlito to retain the United States Championship

Kofi always gets the most random challengers for his title.  There’s like no structure whatsoever to the United States title picture.  Of course, that fact alone makes the United States Championship scene infinitely more interesting than the recurring Randy Orton/John Cena/Triple H theme of the World Championship scene.  Anyways, Carlito takes the early offense, even tossing the Champion out of the ring as we head to a…

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Carlito dominated during the break, and he continues that as we come back.  Kofi finally starts to battle back, but catches a boot straight to the face, earning Carlito a two.  It’s all Carlito for a few more minutes, but Kofi finally turns it around and quickens the pace of the match.  He gets a two off of the Thunderclap Leg Drop, and another one off of a second rope cross-body.  He scores another one on an uppercut that looked like it knocked out a tooth.  He goes for a top rope corss body, but Carlito rolls through and scores a two count.  Kofi misses a Trouble In Paradise, and Carlito hits a neckbreaker for two.  Carlito goes for teh backstabber, but it’s reversed, and Kofi hits Trouble In Paradise and retains the US Championship!

We’re waiting for the arrival of DX.  If that were anybody other than Triple H and Shawn Michaels showing up this late for work, they’d be fired.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

DX is reuniting tonight.  Hey, let’s look at DX’s greatest hits!

The Miz is rocking some new tights.  And a new contract – he won it last week by outsmarting Eugene.  The Miz says that two weeks ago he was banned from RAW, so now he stands before us a new man.  New attitude, new look, same mouth.  In a few short moments, he’ll be embarking on the most remarkable turnaround in WWE history as he starts his quest to become the new United States Champion.  Kofi should enjoy his belt while he can, because that title will be The Miz’s.  Because he’s The Miz – and he’s – AWESOME!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Evan Bourne is the most over guy on the roster behind Jeff Hardy, and he’s on his way to the ring to face The Miz.

The Miz def. Evan Bourne

This match is all The Miz, who is stretching Bourne like a new student in the Hart Dungeon.  Bourne finally mounts a comeback, scoring a two with a standing moonsault.  He takes The Miz down and climbs the ropes, but The Miz knocks him down.  Bourne jumps on The Miz’s shoulders, but The Miz puts him down and hits him with the Skull Crushing Finale for the victory.

RAW’s been on for 54 minutes, and we’re still waiting for DX – who are apparently supposed to be on NEXT!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Two weeks ago, Triple H lost to Legacy and then verbally buried them.  Then last week, Hunter found Shawn working as a chef and invited him back to the WWE.

DX’s limo shows up, and HBK has second thoughts.  Triple H talks him into coming to the ring.  As their walking to the ring, Jillian starts singing their theme song, and Hunter puts a trash can over her.  Santino does his CSI act, and HBK superkicks him.  Triple H points out that Santino didn’t mean to harm them, and HBK says he knows.

Are you ready?

I’M READY!

Degeneration X make their way to the ring.  It’s 10:05 and they finally showed up for work.  The first hour of this show was pretty good.  The rest of it will probably suck now.  Shawn finally hands Triple H his microphone at 10:07.  Yep.  Two minutes of DX running around like idiots.  Hunter finally asks the question on everybody’s mind at 10:09.  Are you ready?  No, Hunter.  We’re not.  Maybe if this were 1997 we would be, but I don’t think we’ll ever be ready for another reincarnation of DX until the WWE decides to cater to the fans instead of the boss.  Thankfully, we’re saved from another terrible DX segment by Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, who toss Triple H out of the ring and double team HBK for a moment before The Game tries – and fails – to make the save (World Wrestling Insanity reader vinrob says “I guess they weren’t ready”).  Rhodes takes HBK’s boot off of his foot, and he hits Hunter with it.  They leave DX lying, and DiBiase tells Triple H that, to answer his question, yes, they’re ready.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

WrestleMania 25 will be on NBC on August 29.  Hopefully it’ll be as cool as last year’s NBC broadcast of WrestleMania 24.

Before the break, Legacy (thankfully) took out DX.

The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the WWE Divas Championship.

Mickie James makes her way out to the ring (again, tradition be damned.)  Her opponent tonight is Gail Kim.

Mickie James def. Gail Kim to retain the WWE Divas Championship

Holy crap.  This is two WWE Television shows in a row that have a one on one Divas match.  Hell has officially frozen over.  The difference between this one and the one on SmackDown, of course, is that these are two women who can actually wrestle.  Gail Kim, of course, a former WWE Women’s Champion and the first ever TNA Knockouts Champion, and Mickie James a former multiple time WWE Women’s Champion prior to her current run as WWE Divas Champion.  Mickie James knocked Gail Kim the hell out with a forearm to the face to pick up the win.

After the match, Mickie helps Gail up to her feet.

Earlier tonight, Randy Orton took out guest host Freddie Prinze, Jr.

Prinze is supposedly back in the building.  Josh Matthews is standing by with John Cena.  Cena does a lame promo, complete with a poop joke, making fun of Orton not wanting to wrestle in his match tonight.  He finishes by saying that after SummerSlam, the champ will be here.  Jericho interrupts and says that the champs are here.  Big Show tells him he might not make it to SummerSlam.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Last week, MVP beat Chris Masters and was then attacked by Jack Thwagger Swagger.

MVP def. Jack Swagger by disqualification

Neither guy gets an entrance.  That’s how important this match is in the grand scheme of things.  Swagger hauls off on MVP in the corner, earning the disqualification.

After the match, MVP attacks Swagger, who retreats.  Seriously, DX’s entrance was longer than the entire segment for that match.

Freddie Prinze Jr. tells the trainer that he’s coming out to the ring.  The trainer doesn’t think that’s a good idea, and neither does Jerry Lawler, but he’s coming to the ring anyway.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Chavo Guerrero is here.  He’s in a falls count anywhere match this week.  Guess who his opponent is.  Go on, guess.  That’s right, kiddies, it’s Hornswoggle, again.

Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero

Hornswoggle escapes unter the ring, and Chavo goes after him.  Then we get a shot of the empty ring for a minute before Chavo emerges with a toilet seat.  Hornswoggle laughs at him from the other side of the ring and Chavo gives chase.  Chavo asks Primo where Hornswoggle went.  Primo points him in a direction down the hall.  Chavo asks if Primo is lying.  Primo says that Chavo’s gonna lose him.  Chavo goes after him, and asks a couple other guys.  They poit him in the same direction.  Chavo walks down the hall, which is adorned with St. Louis Blues logos, prompting a “Let’s Go Blues” chant from the fans.  Chavo opens a door and gets knocked out by a paint can, a la Home Alone, allowing Hornswoggle to cover him for yet another victory.

Chavo gets up and sees Mark Henry, accusing him of setting up the paint can, but Henry says it wasn’t me.  Henry walks away, and Macaulay Culkin appears and tells him it’s not funny.

The King and Michael Cole run down the SummerSlam card.

The Unified WWE Tag Team Champions are walking backstage and are ready for their match tonight against John Cena and Randy Orton.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

This week’s guest host for the BWF RAW results is the Empress of Impact, Drowgoddess.  Take it away, Drow!

We return from a commercial break.

A video package on boxer Floyd “Money” Mayweather, his high-rolling lifestyle, and his entertainment skills airs. Mayweather will host RAW next week.

A WWE.com poll. “Can Randy Orton and John Cena defeat the Unified Tag Team Champions of Chris Jericho and the Big Show?” 76% say “Yes,” 24% say “No.” Ouch! SO much for the tag team champs.

Big Show and Jericho enter first. The champions entering last seems to be a thing for the history books now. Orton is next, and Cena last. Different music plays, and Freddie Prinze, Junior comes out. He tells Orton that he’s stealing a page out of Orton’s own book. This match just became a lumberjack match! Prinze has hand-picked all the lumberjacks, and they don’t like Orton very much. Out come the lumberjacks. Primo, Mark Henry, Evan Bourne, Kofi Kingston, MVP, and Jamie Noble. They surround the ring. We go to commercial break.

When we return from commercial break, the match has already begun. Big Show has Cena in a rear bear hug around the waist. Cena tries to elbow his way out, but Big Show knocks Cena down. Cena crawls to his corner and attempts to tag in Orton. Orton turns his back and steps away. Big Show gets Cena in the corner, but Cena dropkicks Big Show’s knees. Cena rushes to his side of the ring and flips Orton into the ring over the top rope. Big Show spears Orton, who rolls out to the floor. The lumberjacks start to beat down Orton, and Mark Henry picks him up in a gorilla press and throws him back into the ring.

Big Show drops a leg across Orton’s chest, but Orton kicks out at two. Jericho tags in and attacks Orton with a barrage of punches from a mounted position. Jericho catches Orton in a sleeper hold, driving him down to one knee. Orton counters and crawls toward his corner, but Jericho pulls Orton back and tags in Big Show. Big Show hits another leg drop on Orton, but Orton again kicks out at two. Big Show clamps down on Orton’s shoulders and head before hurling him over in a suplex. Jericho tags in. Orton hits a surprise scoop slam on Jericho. Jericho locks in another sleeper hold on Orton, but Orton fights out with elbows. Jericho misses a Lionsault, and Orton crawls again toward his corner. Cena tags in. Cena dominates Jericho. Big Show grabs Cena by the throat from the apron, but Cena knocks Big Show to the floor. Cena hits the Attitude Adjuster on Jericho and gets the pin and three-count.

Post-match, Orton hits the RKO on Cena from behind. Jericho and Big Show jump Cena and beat him down. The lumberjacks run in to help, but all get thrown out of the ring. Cena hits a weak and mis-timed running shoulder block to Big Show’s midsection and knocks him through the ropes to the floor. Cena stands tall in the ring as Orton stands on the ramp with the title belt.

The End.

TSJ Thoughts: You know, as bad as RAW’s been lately, the first half of this show was pretty enjoyable.  Then DX came out.  It all went downhill from there – save for DX getting beaten down by Legacy and the random appearance of Macaulay Culkin moments after I typed “a la Home Alone” in this review.  I haven’t seen the main event, but Cena won, so it couldn’t have been that entertaining.  Definitely an improvement over the last few weeks, but RAW’s got a lot of work to do to get back to it’s former status of “can’t miss wrestling show.”

Join your Empress of “iMPACT” and cross the line! It’s time for some “Hard Justice,” and, porntastic though it sounds, it’s what we’ve got. Will Kurt Angle’s real-life arrest affect the main event title match? Will the introduction of “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero obliterate the actual X-Division? Will the Legends title match between Mick Foley and Kevin Nash scar your soul for life? Will Samoa Joe and Homicide unleash the nine levels of hell that we all know that they can? It’s showtime, folks!

The mechanized voice of Professor Stephen Hawking opens the show, with references to DNA. The opening video package focuses on Matt Morgan, then on Kurt Angle, and finally on the Angle/Morgan in-ring dispute that ended last week’s “iMPACT.” We go to the opening pyro, and the ring.

Match #1: Steel Asylum match for the Number One Contender to the X-Division title: The Motor City Machine Guns enter together, followed by Amazing Red, Daniels, Lethal Consequences, Suicide (who enters up from the floor out of a cloud of fog), and “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero. Dinero is a street preacher, according to Tenay and West. The Guns double-team Daniels, while Lethal, Creed, and The Pope climb the walls of the cage. Lethal Consequences double-team Red. Pope nails Lethal with a huge release suplex, but then falls victim to more Guns double-team goodness. Daniels overpowers Sabin, but Shelley stops Daniels with a top rope jawbreaker. Shelley hangs The Pope in the corner, but Suicide grabs him. Sabin kicks Suicide into The Pope to free Shelley. The Guns climb the walls, but run into trouble with Lethal and Daniels. Daniels and Lethal go at each other, and Daniels brings Lethal down to the mat. The Pope goes after Daniels, ducks a punch, and Daniels punches the cage. Both men hit the mat. Suicide goes after Shelley on the top rope, but Sabin runs up the ropes and throws Suicide over. The Guns double-team Lethal Consequences, but get attacked by Daniels and The Pope. Suicide lands a huge Tower of Doom powerbomb on Daniels, Red, and The Pope. Creed and Shelley go, and the Guns trap Lethal Consequences in submission holds, but the holds are broken. Shelley hits the Sliced Bread on Daniels, but Lethal takes down Shelley. Sabin takes down Lethal. Creed takes down Sabin. Red takes down Creed. Everyone makes it back up to climb the wall. Daniels takes The Pope down to the mat. Suicide and Creed hit the mat. The Guns take down Lethal. Red DDTs Sabin, then Shelley. Red climbs the wall, but Daniels is right behind him. Daniels hangs upside down from the roof by one leg after throwing Red to the mat. The Pope brings Suicide down, then drops to the mat to punish him further. Daniels extricates himself from the roof, and crawls through the roof to win.

Winner and #1 Contender to the X-Division title: Daniels

Jeremy Borash interviews Daniels about facing either Samoa Joe or Homicide at the next ppv. He has history with both of them, and whoever doesn’t lose tonight will lose to him next month. Daniels tells AJ Styles not to question himself, that he and the TNA fans are thinking of him. Tenay and West run down the rest of the card.

Lauren interviews Matt Morgan about his friction with Kurt Angle. Morgan wants to be in the MEM, but Angle is the one who jerked him around for weeks, getting him to do Angle’s dirty work. Tonight, Morgan rewards himself with the title that’s destined to be his.

Match #2: “$50,000 Bounty Challenge” match, Abyss vs. Jethro Holiday (w/ Dr. Stevie): Weapons are legal. Basically, no DQ. Holiday shows no fear, and lays into Abyss with shoulder blocks and chops. Abyss has none of it, and clotheslines Holiday to the floor. Holiday ducks and Abyss punches a ringpost. Holiday throws Abyss into the railing, and follows him around the floor. Abyss is rolled into the ring, and Holiday attempts a middle rope elbow drop, but misses. Abyss punches down Holiday, then leaves the ring to get a chair. Dr. Stevie tosses a police baton to Holiday, who uses it on Abyss. Dr. Stevie directs traffic, and Holiday knocks Abyss from the apron onto the railing. Abyss places the chair over Holiday and goes for a splash, but Holiday turns the chair sideways, and Abyss crotches himself on it. Holiday hits Abyss with the chair, and goes for the pin, but Abyss kicks out at two. Abyss throws Holiday head-first into the chair wedged into the corner, follows up with a chokeslam, but Holiday kicks out at two. Dr. Stevie interferes, and Abyss drags him in the ring by his hair. Holiday hits Abyss with a bulldog. Dr. Stevie tosses brass knuckles to Holiday. Holiday charges Abyss with the brass knuckles, but Abyss counters with a perfectly-timed Black Hole Slam. Abyss gets the pin and three-count. Post-match, Dr. Stevie gets in Holiday’s face, and Holiday lays out Dr. Stevie.

Winner: Abyss

JB interviews Kurt Angle, who is completely clean-shaven. Hmm. Angle claims that nothing Morgan has said or done has surprised him. Morgan is young, excited, and green. By the end of the night, after Angle talks to him, he’ll be thinking differently.

Match #3: Rob Terry vs. Hernandez: This match was for posession of the “Feast or Fired” briefcase containing the World Heavyweight title shot. Hernandez grabs a mic and says that the fans are his family, and the ring is his house. The British Invasion can either return his briefcase, or he’ll take it and walk out over all three of them. All three Brits rush the ring, and the match is on. Hernandez pins Rob Terry in about four seconds.

Winner and possessor of a World title shot: Hernandez

Lauren interviews Beer Money. James Storm says that they let Booker T and Scott Steiner beat them at their own game, which is winning at all costs. Robert Roode agrees, and says that they got soft by having emotions. Tonight, they go back to what they’re good at. Kicking ass and doing anything necessary to win.

Match #4: IWGP Tag Team title match, The British Invasion vs. Beer Money: Eric Young comes to the announce table wearing a suit to join the commentary team for the match. Beer Money enters first, and they have new music. The British Invasion enters without Big Rob Terry, as he has likely been forced to commit seppuku for shaming his people. Don West and Eric Young make nice while chatting. Loud crowd chants of “Wanker!” Funny. Storm and Magnus start off, and Storm dominates with punches. Magnus gets thrown to the outside, and Roode tags in. Roode lays into Magnus for a bit, then Doug Williams tags in. Williams and Roode trade punches and headlocks, showing off their respective power. Beer Money double-teams Williams. Storm gets a two-count on Williams. The Brits double-team Storm, but Storm clotheslines both guys at once. Magnus is thrown into Williams. Williams is hung in the Tree of Woe, and Magnus’s legs are pulled into the ring post. A new take on the “69” spot. The Brits recover, and work over Storm, particularly on the ankle. The Brits use quick tags to maintain the double-team on Storm. Magnus and Storm go. Magnus repeatedly slaps Storm, but gets knocked to the mat for his trouble. Storm tags in Roode, who lays out Williams and Magnus. Beer Money dominates again. Eric Young tosses one of the title belts into the ring, and while the ref threw the belt out, Magnus low blowed Roode, allowing The British Invasion to get the win. Post-match, Beer Money tries to attack Eric Young, but the Brits pull them off.

Lauren interviews ODB and Cody Deaner. She tries to ask what would happen if Cody Deaner gets the pin, and wins the Knockouts title.  Lots of yelling and foolishness.

Match #5: ODB and Cody Deaner vs. The Beautiful People: This was a tag team match for the Knockouts championship. Don West’s commentary here was absolutely gold! Love and ODB start, exchanging pushes. ODB overpowers Love and slams her back-first into the ringpost. Love hits a bulldog on ODB for a two-count. Love tags in Sky, who kicks at ODB while screaming a lot. ODB tags in Deaner, who spanks Sky over the tope rope for a ten-count. Deaner tags in ODB and Sky runs to the other side of the ring and tags in Love. ODB misses a splash, and a red-assed Sky tags in and TBP double-team ODB. Love gets ODB in a sleeper hold, but ODB fights out and throws Love over in a suplex. ODB tags in Deaner, who faces off against Sky. Sky hits Deaner. Deaner kisses Sky. Sky hits Deaner. Deaner kisses Skye. Skye hits Deaner. Deaner kisses Skye. Love attacks Deaner. Deaner kisses Love. Madison Rayne yells at Deaner, who grabs her over the ropes and kisses her too. Sky mule kicks Deaner in the groin. Love superkicks Deaner. ODB and Love scrap on the apron. Deaner pins Sky after Rayne tries to spray Deaner in the eyes, but misses and sprays Sky instead. Post-match, Love and Sky turn on Rayne for her mistake, and Deaner takes the title from ODB, claiming that it’s his.

Winners (and new Knockouts Champion) : ODB and Cody Deaner

Lauren interviews Samoa Joe and Taz. Taz says that Joe is taking the X-Division title from Homicide, starting now. 

Match #6: Samoa Joe vs. Homicide for the X-Division title: Even back-and-forth action for the opening minute. Joe rolls out to the floor, where Taz tells him to get his head on straight and play his own game. Joe blocks a hurricanrana attempt by Homicide, and follows up with a suicide dive between the ropes. Joe is all strikes and knees, but only gets a two-count. Joe works on Homicide’s neck, and follows up with a snap power slam. Joe chokes Homicide in the ropes with his leg for a four-count. Both men trade chops. Joe power bombs Homicide, but Homicide kicks out at two. Joe locks in the STF ( a real one, not a John Cena one). Homicide gets a foot on the ropes. Joe kicks Homicide repeatedly. Loud chants of “187!” They trade punches. Homicide lands a top rope missile drop kick, followed by the tope con hilo to the floor. Homicide and Taz talk trash. Homicide hits a hangman’s neckbreaker back in the ring for a two-count. Homicide hits the Gringo Cutter for a count of two and three-fourths. Homicide attempts the Gringo Killer, but Joe pushes him away. Joe locks in a sleeper hold, but knocks Homicide down and cinches in the Kokina Clutch. Homicide taps, and Joe wins.

Winner and NEW X-Division Champion: Samoa Joe.

JB is with Kurt Angle, who goes to talk to Matt Morgan. Morgan yells at Angle for not knocking, and takes him to task for the way that Angle has treated him. Angle partially apologizes, and tells Morgan that if either he or Morgan win, Morgan is in the Main Event Mafia, and all is good. Morgan shakes on it.

Match #7: TNA Tag Team Championship titles match, Team 3D vs. Booker T (w/ Sharmell) and Scott Steiner: Two referees have been assigned to this match, with falls counting anywhere and no DQs. No, this is not awesome. I’m walking out. Be back later. Slow and plodding for the most part. Steiner pinned Ray, but Ray’s arms were under the ropes. The two referees came to conflicting decisions regarding the winners, and consulted the video tape. Booker T and Scott Steiner are declared the winners. Loud chants of “Bullshit!” Agreed, peoples. Agreed.

Winners and still Tag Team Champions: Booker T and Scott Steiner

JB interviews Mick Foley, who says that it isn’t about the number of zeros at the end of your paycheck, but the number of fans you bring to your feet.

Match #8: Legends Championship match, Mick Foley vs. Kevin Nash: Nash dominates early with knees and elbows. Foley fights back with headbutts and punches. Once the action spills onto the floor, Foley hits Nash with a chair. Foley goes for a top rope elbow drop onto Nash, but Nash pulls the chair inthe way at the last second and Foley hits it. Foley’s head is busted open. Blood splatters onto the camera, which is really weird. Nash punches the bloodied mess that is Foley’s face repeatedly, grinning as he does so. Elbows follow punches, and Foley starts to laugh through the crimson mask. Foley fights back and knocks down Nash. Foley pulls out pieces of his own hair, and goes after Nash. Nash is soon busted wide open as well from the steps. Nash rolls up Foley and gets the pin. Post-match, Nash uses Foley’s barbed-wire baseball bat against him. Abyss runs down with his own barbed-wire baseball bat, and makes the save. Foley grins and gives Abyss the thumbs-up. Abyss claps like a little kid, and leaves the ring. 

Winner and NEW Legends Champion: Kevin Nash

Lauren interviews Sting. Sting says that you can only trust yourself. Matt Morgan will learn from his mistakes, just like Sting did. Kurt Angle is, well, Kurt Angle, and will walk over anyone in order to preserve himself. There is a third man in the match, however, and it’s Sting.

Match #9: World Heavyweight Championship match, Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan vs. Sting: Matt Morgan enters first, then Sting, then Kurt Angle. Morgan and Angle work together to throw Sting around. Angle misses a running shoulder to the gut when Sting dodges, and hits the ringpost shoulder-first. The action spills onto the floor. Back in the ring, Sting punches Morgan for a ten-count in the corner. Morgan is thrown to the outside, and Sting focuses on Angle. Crowd chants of “You got arrested!” at Angle at points. Angle throws Sting to the outside, where Morgan punches the Icon, and follows him around the ring. Angle leaps off the apron in a cross body, but Sting dodges and Morgan catches Angle instead. Sting kicks Angle as Morgan tries to handle Angle. Back in the ring, Sting gets Angle in the Scorpion Death Lock, but Angle counters it into the Angle Slam for a two-count. Angle attempts the Angle Lock on Sting, but it isn’t cinched in, and Sting escapes. Sting and Morgan now mix it up. Morgan physically dominates Sting, but only gets two-counts. Morgan hits a leg drop on the apron on Sting, but Sting kicks out at two. As Morgan runs into the ropes, Angle pulls down the top rope, and Morgan hits the floor. Angle and Morgan stare down. Crowd chants of “Fuck him up, Morgan!” Morgan throws sweat at Angle and turns his back to him. Angle attacks Morgan from behind. Morgan nails a Carbon Footprint on Angle on the floor. Morgan pins Sting for more than three counts, but the ref is outside checking on Angle. Sting pins Morgan, but Morgan kicks out at two. Morgan plants Sting with a stiff Carbon Footprint, but as the ref counts to three, Angle pulls him out of the ring. Angle hits Morgan with a chair, pins him, and gets the win.

Winner and STILL World Heavyweight Champion: Kurt Angle

So, the Main Event Mafia has all the gold in TNA except for the Knockouts title. The main title is still on Kurt Angle, despite all the legal craziness revolving around him at the moment. They have tv tapings tomorrow and Tuesday, at which Angle may or may not be allowed to be present. That Morgan should have won was clear, which made him look good. That we get Daniels/Joe for the X-Division title at the next ppv is also good. If AJ Styles’s announcement on “iMPACT” is that he’s a loser and he’s going home, I will shout “Turnip!” in a very loud voice. Join us back here at BWF for RAW tomorrow night, and assorted wrestling goodness for the rest of the week.

Peace out,

Drowgoddess

Well here we go again with another edition of your favorite JT article.  I can actually say that I watched everything this week, (doesn’t mean longer article just that I watched everything) and here’s what I think: (more…)

Last week, Matt Hardy cost CM Punk his chance at regaining his World Heavyweight Champion, leading to Punk assaulting Matt’s younger brother, champion Jeff Hardy.  Teddy Long agreed to give Punk a rematch at SummerSlam in a TLC match.

Speaking of CM Punk, he’s here!   And he’s got an awesome new t-shirt that I want!

Punk says that if Teddy Long thinks that he’s punishing Punk by making the title match at SummerSlam a TLC match, he’s wrong.  Punk knows his way around ladder matches – he won Money In The Bank at back to back WrestleManias.  Chairs?  Did you see what he did to Hardy last week?  Punk says he’s speak about the virtues of living clean, but he realizes that anything he says or does will just make people cheer Jeff Hardy more.  He’s figured out what he has to do to get through to them though.  He figures all he has to do is end Jeff Hardy.  He wants to do it the same way he lives his life – the right way.  Straight up, one on one, no family on the outside, just Jeff Hardy and CM Punk with the World Heavyweight Championship hanging above the ring, and TLC.  Jeff is already going to screw this up like he does everything else, he might not make it to SummerSlam.

You know it’s the Mack Militant…

Teddy Long makes his way out to the ring, interrupting Punk mid-sentence.  What Punk did last week was deplorable.  He could’ve ended Jeff Hardy’s career.  Before he starts making alternative plans for SummerSlam, however, Jeff Hardy is in the building!  He’s in no condition to compete, but he’s assured T-Lo that he’ll be ready to go for SummerSlam.  But enough about SummerSlam, tonight, Punk is set to go one on one with a man he hasn’t beaten on SmackDown, John Morrison.  Punk calls Long a Jeff Hardy suck-up like all the fans.  He says tonight he’ll beat John Morrison, and then at SummerSlam, he’ll beat the poster boy…

So you see the writing on the wall…

Punk can’t seem to finish a thought around here tonight.  The World Heavyweight Champion hobbles down to the ring, stopping to shake hands with the fans along the way.  Hardy is hurt, but he’s here – “IN YO’ FACE!”  Hardy says he’ll endure the pain and defend the title at SummerSlam.

Last week, Kane kidnapped Ranjin Singh.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Teddy Long has his theme song as his ring tone.  I know this because Mr. McMahon called him on it when he was sitting in his office.  The boss wants Jeff Hardy in action tonight.  Long protests, but since he’s still on probation, he’ll agree to have Jeff compete – against The Hart Dynasty.

Finlay still has Hornswoggle’s music, and he makes his way to the ring.  Last Friday, he was pinned by Dolph Ziggler, who will face Rey Mysterio at SummerSlam for the Intercontinental Championship.  Speaking of Ziggler, guess who Finlay’s opponent is tonight.  Hey wait a minute – when did Tony Chimel become the ring announcer for SmackDown again?  I liked Justin Roberts, dammit!

Dolph Ziggler def. Finlay

Finlay likes to beat people up, and that’s what he does in the early going.  Ziggler turns things around and kicks Finlay’s head into the ring post.  Mike Knox appears on the ramp and starts walking down to the ring as we head to a…

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Knox is getting a close up view of this match we’re watching from the comfort of our living rooms (or the BWF offices, as the case may be).  Ziggler is still in control.  Finlay starts to battle back, but Ziggler doesn’t let the comeback last too long.  Finlay turns the tide again, taking Ziggler down for a two count.  He builds momentum, sending Ziggler over the top rope and to the floor.  Finlay hits Knox for good measure, then takes Ziggler down.  While the referee was checking on Ziggler, Knox hit Finlay with the shillelagh, allowing Ziggler to hit his finisher for the victory.

After the match, Knox comes after Finlay with the shillelagh, but Finlay knocks hit out of his hand.  No matter, Knox uses his brute strength to assault Finlay, and gives him a sidewalk slam onto the steel steps.  Knox says that there are 206 bones in the human body, but what fascinates him is that the slightest trauma on the cervical vertebrae leaves one in excruciating discomfort.

Still to come, it’s John Morrison vs. CM Punk, and Jeff Hardy faces The Hart Dynasty by orders of Mr. McMahon.

Ranjin Singh is tied up backstage, and Kane says he’ll let him go if he says what Kane wants him to say.  Singh says that his name is Ranjin Singh, and he’s been punished for his association with The Great Khali.  He’s been well taken care of.  Kane says he wants to hear from Khali.  He wants to see him.  He wants him to come and have a look at Kane’s handy work.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Video package on R-Truth, for some reason.

Maria’s got a date with Dolph and can’t figure out what to wear.  Melina asks what they’re doing SummerSlam weekend.  Dolph is taking her to LA a few days early and they’re getting a nice hotel room.  Layla comes in and says Dolph will leave when somebody better comes along.  Layla tells Melina that Michelle McCool is coming back next week.  Melina says she’s got a message for Michelle, and she’ll give it to her in the ring.

John Morrison is out first for his match.  Last night he beat David Hart Smith on Superstars, and tonight he’s got a match with the number one contender for the World Heavyweight Championship, and that is NEXT!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

CM Punk and his awesome new shirt come down to the ring when we come back, and we relive his attack on Jeff Hardy last week.

CM Punk def. John Morrison

You knew it.  I knew it.  This is one of those matches.  One of those matches you just have to sit back and watch.  Back and forth action early on, but Punk suckered Morrison out of the ring, knocking him down with a kick and hitting a guillotine kneedrop of sorts to the back of Morrison’s skull before we proceed to a…

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Punk is in control when we come back.  He smiles, and the crowd boos accordingly.  Morrison starts battling back.  JR calls them “two future world champions.”  Nevermind the fact that both men are former ECW Champions, and that Punk is the former two time World Heavyweight Champion.  Morrison takes control of the match, scoring two counts on a standing moonsault and a top rope cross body.  Punk manages to get control back, and gets Morrison up in GTS position, but instead rams Morrison head first into the turnbuckle a couple of times.  Punk lays in the kicks as the fans start to chant for Morrison.  JoMo mounts another comeback, but as he goes for Starship Pain, Punk gets up and crotches Morrison on the top turnbuckle.  Morrison winds up in the tree of woe, allowing Punk to get in a number of shots before picking him up and hitting the Go 2 Sleep for the victory!

This is why I love SmackDown.  Even when there’s not a whole lot of wrestling on the show, there are still some of the best wrestling matches in recent memory.   Anyways, Hardy vs. The Hart Dynasty is still to come!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Melina makes her way out to the ring, and… and… I think… Could it possibly be?  Oh my god, it is!  It’s a one on one Divas match!  Layla starts heading down to the ring, and…

Backstage, Kane is asking Ranjin why Khali is such a freak.  Singh says that he’s not a freak, he’s his brother.  Kane wants to know if he’s jealous of him because he’s been given gifts of which he was deprived.  Kane says he’s running out of patience, so if Khali is going to save him, he’d better make it quick.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Hey wait!  We’ve still got a Diva’s match!

Melina def. Layla

It’s a one on one Diva’s match!  That never happens!  And nobody really cares, because JR and Todd Grisham are talking about The Great Khali.  Anyways, while I’m happy it’s not another 4, 6, 8, 12 Diva match, I really don’t care because we know who’s going to win this match – despite the fact that Layla is getting some offense in.  More evidence that nobody cares about this match.  JR and Grisham talk about Gail Kim being the number one contender for the Divas Championship on RAW, and the crowd is chanting “Let’s Go Oilers.”  Layla looks to be improving in the ring, but she’s only postponing the inevitable.  Melina hits her finisher, and the match is over.

Speaking of things nobody cares about, DX is reuniting, and Cryme Tyme is (are?) making their way to the ring.

Oh no.  Somebody gave them a microphone.  Yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo.  Yo.  Yooooo.  They babble like idiots for five minutes about Jericho and The Big Show.  I don’t care.  Then they do a modified version of that stupid catch phrase (yeah yeah).

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

The Big Show makes his way to the ring, set to eat take on JTG.

Big Show vs. JTG

Chris Jericho joins in on commentary, meaning that this match might actually be watchable.  That’s not to say I’m watching it – I’m eating some lasagna instead.  Anyways, Show hits the chokeslam and then the camel clutch for the relatively easy victory.

As Show and Jericho go to leave, Shad dumps Big Show over the top rope.  He challenges Show to get into the ring, but apparently that’s not going to happen because…

Ranjin Singh is tied upside down backstage when The Great Khali finally finds him.  As Khali is getting him down, Kane attacks him with a lead pipe.  Kane says he’s never been afraid of Khali, but Khali should be afraid of him.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

VIDEO: Triple H finds Shawn Michaels.

Rundown of the SummerFestSlam card.

Jeff Hardy is forced to wrestle tonight by order of Mr. McMahon, and the World Heavyweight Champion appears to be in pain as he makes his way to the ring.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

The fans are cheering for their Canadian brethren, The Hart Dynasty, as they make their way to the ring.

The Hart Dynasty def. Jeff Hardy

This is one of those handicapped matches where the tag team has to tag each other in and out, which is good for Hardy, but is also essentially a moot point, considering the apparent physical condition of the Charismatic Enigma.  The Hart Dynasty dominate this one, and pick up the win with a modified Hart Attack.

CM Punk comes to the ring following the match and assaults Hardy again until John Morrison makes the save.  As Morrison is battling the Hart Dynasty, Punk cracked him across the back with a steel chair before resuming his assault on Jeff Hardy.  He once again wraps the chair around Jeff’s throat, but Matt Hardy makes the save, attacking Punk from behind.  Matt Hardy wails away on the number one contender until the Hart Dynasty breaks it up, but John Morrison helps dispose of them.  Matt looks at his fallen brother and walks over to him slowly.  Jeff backs into the corner, but Matt helps him to his feet.  Jeff flashes the V1 sign to his brother, and as Teddy Long watches on a monitor backstage, he’s joined by Mr. McMahon.  McMahon says the show was pretty exciting, but next week?  Next week it will be CM Punk and The Hart Dynasty taking on John Morrison and The Hardyz.  Mr. McMahon tells him he’s still on probation.  Next week’s two main event teams glare up the ramp at one another as we fade to black.

My Thoughts: Matt Hardy, eh?  I guess we’ll have to wait and see what happens there.  Another solid episode of SmackDown.  I don’t really have a lot to say, however.  I’ll be around in a few for a new edition of ThinkSoJoE’s thoughts.

Ok… Raw sucked (read the results, didn’t watch) and ECW was very mediocre this week, so let’s see what Superstars has in store for us.

Match 1:  John Morrison vs David Hart Smith

WWE is Canada is always ass backwards.  David Hart Smith and Natalya get the huge pops in their home country.  John Morrison is one of the few bright spots in WWE right now.  Hell of a main event for Smackdown as Morrison takes on CM Punk.  Little Bulldog is massive!  He pounds on the Shaman of Sexy for a lot of the match.  He hit a terrific suplex off the top rope.  Morrison eventually hit all of his spots (Pele kick, standing moonsault, spinning kick, etc.)  The Guru of Greatness gets the win with Starship Pain.

Match 2:  Goldust vs Sheamus

The Celtic Warrior is huge, but looks smaller than he is because of his almost transparent skin.  Dude is ghostly.  How many times in a row are they going to do this match?  Shouldn’t Sheamus be taking on other people to gain experience?  This is just another example of WWE’s lazy booking.  Anyway, Goldust wins with a rollup for some reason.  Sheamus didn’t look weak, but shouldn’t they be booking him better than to lose to Goldust? 

Random main event time:  Mickie James and Kofi Kingston vs Rosa Mendez and Carlito in a Mixed Tag match

Alrighty then.  This does nothing to enhance any feud.  What’s up with Carlito’s hair?  He look’s like a shi tzu who hasn’t been groomed in a while.  I guess its part of his new dark and gloomy persona.  This match was dominated in time by Kofi and Carlito.  I think Mickie and Rosa were in the ring for about 15 seconds.  Carlito gets the win after a backstabber off the top rope. 

Random Random Random.  I get that Carlito should be in the mix for the US title, but shouldn’t he also be dealing with his brother?  Isn’t Gail Kim the number one contender for the Diva title?  Why wasn’t she in that match?  Sheamus should be booked to be taking people out…not losing to Goldust.  John Morrison is great…nuf said.

Remember to check out Smackdown, which is obviously the best show WWE has to offer right now.  See you next week.

Cross the line!

Match #1: Christy Hemme defeats Sojo Bolt: We open going straight into the match, which is awesome. Christy looks great, and is better in the ring than she has ever been. Not top-of-the-card Knockouts action, by any means, but she certainly didn’t embarrass herself.

Tenay and West run down tonight’s card, and a split screen shows AJ Styles and Matt Morgan entering the arena.

Lauren interviews Taz about Samoa Joe’s loss to Hernandez. Taz says that Joe let himself down. Joe beat Joe. Taz will motivate Joe, and turn a negative into a positive. Homicide will be the one to suffer, and Joe will put him out. Solid promo with excellent delivery by Taz.

Match #2: Hernandez defeats Doug Williams: I still don’t like Hernandez’s new music. Hernandez holds Williams up in a suplex for an eternity before landing a backbreaker over his shoulder. Brutus Magnus distracts Hernandez, and Williams takes control. Williams targets the neck and shoulders. Williams goes to the top turnbuckle, but misses a back senton. Don West is awesome! He says that the TNA fans aren’t the smartest of people, are the chants of “USA! USA!” for the Mexican or the Brit? Williams goes for a top rope cross body, but Hernandez catches him and plants him with a sit-down powerbomb for the win. Brutus magnus attacks hernandez post-match, but Hernandez disposes of him. Rob Terry attacks Hernandez with the “Feast or Fired” briefcase, and knocks him down. The British Invasion bails, and Hernandez gives chase once he regains his footing.

To the back! Hernandez grabs the mic from Lauren and yells something in Spanich. He leaves.

To the Mike Tenay sit-down interview! It’s with Bobby Lashley. Tenay says that he has followed every second of Lashley’s WWE career, and that professional wrestling wasn’t enough for him. Way to insult everyone, Mike. Is it possible to be successful in pro wrestling and MMA at the same time? Lashley says that he can. Tenay brings up the Main Event Mafia and Kurt Angle’s desire to be the greatest wrestler ever. Who would win between the greatest wrestler ever and the greatest MMA fighter ever? Lashley says that the fans will.

Jeremy Borash interviews Dr. Stevie (with a smokin’ hot Daffney) about his bounty on the head of Abyss. Dr. Stevie talks about defeating and destroying “Chris.” Abyss rushes in, grabs Dr. Stevie by the throat, and tells him to finish the job himself. Abyss is attacked by a chair-wielding “Outlaw” Jethro Holiday. For some reason.

To the back! Lauren interviews Tara, who has Poison crawling over her arm. Tara talks about Awesome Kong, and Lauren talks up the four-way Knockouts match. Tara is in creepy mode, and I likes it.

Match #3: Eric Young and Sheik Abdul Bashir (w/ Kiyoshi) defeat Rhino and Jesse Neal: Jesse Neal has the same haircut and ring gear that he had for his first match, which is appalling. Neal and Young (Ha! See what I did there?) start out. Rhino tags in and works over Young’s midsection. Neal tags back in. Tenay and West talk up the problems between Neal and Rhino. Young drives Neal into his corner, and Bashir tags in. Bashir tags in Young. Young levels Neal with a clothesline. Tenay and West talk up the “Steel Asylum” match that will take place at “Hard Justice.” The winner will be the Number One Contender to the X-Division title. Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, Consequences Creed, Jay Lethal, Amazing Red, Suicide, and a debuting “Pope” D’Angelo Dinero (formerly known as Elijah Burke) are in it. Why am I afraid that Dinero/Burke is going to be handed the win and a shot at the X-Division title for his debut match that happens to be on a ppv, and the true X-Division guys will get shoved aside yet again? I hope that I’m wrong. Young and Bashir isolate Neal, and quickly tag each other in and out. Rhino is not happy. Neal has a chance to tag in Rhino, but attacks Bashir instead. Young grabs his trunks and rolls Neal up for the pin. Post-match, Rhino yells at Neal and slaps him. When Neal turns away, Rhino sets up and Gores him. Tenay and West play Rhino up as the face.

To the back! Lauren interviews Rhino about his treatment of Jesse Neal, actually getting some bass in her voice and challenging Rhino about it. “What do you think this is, the Lifetime Channel?” Awesome! Rhino delivers a strong promo about respecting what Neal has done in the military, but doubting that Neal can handle wrestling.

Match #4: Tara defeats ODB (w/ Cody Deaner), Angelina Love (w/ Madison Rayne and Velvet Sky), andAwesome Kong (w/ Raisha Saeed): Kong and Tara go after each other, while The Beautiful People bail and hide from Cody Deaner. ODB drinks from her flask, and shares it with Tara. Tara “Hulks up” and smacks her own boobs. ODB climbs to the top and leaps off onto Kong, Raisha Saeed, and Cody Deaner. Tara climbs to the top and leaps off on The Beautiful People. Tara smashes her head on the floor. Kong and Tara fight to the outside. Angelina Love takes out ODB with the Botox Injection bicycle kick. Kong broke up the count. ODB and Kong go. Kong womanhandles ODB, but ODB kicks out twice. Tara and Angelina Love fight outside the ring. Kong chokeslams ODB. Deaner hops up on the apron and screams at Kong. Deaner acts like he wants to fight Kong, but grabs her by the head and kisses her instead. Kong stares at Deaner, then pulls him into the ring and plants him with the Awesome Bomb. Tara runs in and rolls up Kong for the win.

To the back! Lauren talks to AJ Styles about his upcoming match against Matt Morgan. With the “Best of Three” series tied at one win each, AJ’s loss will put Sting at a huge disadvantage.

To the back! Jeremy Borash talks with Team 3D. I hate that Brother Devon talks respectfully about Booker T and Scott Steiner. More kissing up to Harlem Heat and the Steiner Brothers, neither of which are current teams. Talking up the Team 3D versus Booker T and Scott Steiner tag team title match.

Match #5: Scott Steiner (w/ Booker T and Sharmell) defeats Brother Ray (w/ Brother Devon): This was a “No DQ” match. Steiner gets the mic and blah blah blah. Brother Ray takes a mic and kisses up to Harlem Heat and the Steiner Brothers, before pointing out that garbage is also a household name, and, like them, it’s getting old and stinking. Slow, plodding, power game. Sharmell and Booker interfere. Ray takes Steiner’s chain mail headdress and puts it on. The British Invasion come down and distract, allowing Booker and Steiner to put Ray through a table and get the win. This was barely a match, and far too short for this sort of thing. With interference almost right away, it was pointless.

To the contract signing! Mike Tenay oversees as Mick Foley and Kevin Nash sign contracts for the Legends title match on Sunday at teh “Hard Justice” ppv. Both guys have final pre-match comments. Foley says that he doesn’t think that he’s ever had a conversation with Nash that didn’t revolve around money. Doesn’t a sense of pride or accomplishment meananything to Nash? Nash tells Foley that he could have made $20,000 at the past weekend’s authograph session, which he thinks that Foley cost him. Why doesn’t Foley take the easy way out, like Nash always has? Foley says that Nash may look down on him, but he loves wrestling with the sort of passion that would allow him to do it for free. Nash strips down and calls himself an athlete and a businessman, while Foley is a pathetic wrestler. Foley says that he’ll bring his set of skills on Sunday, and Nash can bring his, and they’ll see what happens. Foley says that they’re on a wrestling show, in a wrestling ring, with a title contract for a wrestling match, and nobody’s going through that table? Nash says that he doesn’t get paid for that, so he won’t go through it or put Mick through it for free. Mick says that he would put Nash through the table for free, and then announces that he thinks that he will go through the table for free. Foley runs off the ropes and hurls himself through the table. People cheer.

To the video package for the “Steel Asylum” match!

To the back! Lauren interviews Matt Morgan. Morgan feels no pressure, and is completely confident that he will win. He guarantees victory, in fact.

Match #6: Matt Morgan (w/ Kurt Angle) defeats AJ Styles (w/ Sting): This was the rubber match to determine the third man in the three-way dance at “Hard Justice” for the World Heavyweight title. AJ takes the match to Morgan by running the ropes and landing a flip dive over the top rope. AJ and Morgan fight on the floor, and AJ takes Morgan down with a flying forearm. Morgan is finally rolled into the ring and the bell rings to start the match. AJ puts Morgan in the Figure Four leg lock for a long time. Morgan screams, but won’t tap. Morganmakes it to the ropes, and AJ breaks the hold. Morgan gets his wind back, and uses his power against AJ. Morgan dominates AJ. Don West says that Angle has announced that this is Morgan’s last test for MEM membership. If Morgan wins this match, and helps him retain the title, he’ll be in. AJ kicks out several times, but Morgan continues to toy with him, and won’t allow AJ a chance to get in any offense. Morgan goes for the Carbon Footprint in the corner, but AJ dodges and lands a few punches. AJ hits a missile dropkick, but Morgan kicks out at two. Morgan catches AJ in a side slam, but AJ kicks out at two. AJ hits a Pele out of nowhere, but Morgan kicks out just in time. Morgan takes AJ’s head off with a Carbon Footprint, and gets the pin. Matt Morgan, Kurt Angle, and Sting will fight in the “Hard Justice” main event. Post-match, the entire MEM comes to the ring, applauding. Angle gets a mic.

Angle praises Morgan, and claims that the MEM was scouting him to recruit him all along. Morgan says that he thought that he was selling himself to the MEM, not the other way around. Angle says that Morgan has one last little thing to do before getting in to the MEM. Morgan says that Angle can’t possibly be asking him to help Angle retain the title. Angle says that he’s not asking it, he’s demanding it. Morgan calls Angle “little man,” and tells him that no one demands anything of “The Blueprint.” He isn’t passing up this opportunity, and he will be walking out of the match as the new World Heavyweight Champion. Angle is furious, and has to be restrained by the MEM as Morgan exits up the ramp. Morgan’s face turn is here.

“Hard Justice” Predictions:

Bounty Match: Abyss vs. Jethro Holiday

Abyss needs the win here.

Winner gets World Heavyweight title shot from the “Feast or Fired” briefcase: Hernandez vs. Big Rob Terry

Hernandez has got to get the win here.

New Japan IWGP Tag Team Championship match:  The British Invasion (champs) vs. Beer Money

The British Invasion retains, if only because New Japan already issued one statement (later retracted) that they didn’t recognize the title change, and it can’t possibly happen again.

“Steel Asylum” match (winner is #1 Contender for the X-Division title): Alex Shelley vs. Chris Sabin vs. Jay Lethal vs. Consequences Creed vs. Daniels vs. Suicide vs. Amazing Red

If there were a god, Chris Sabin would win. That being said, Jay Lethal won the last one. I’m picking Daniels to win. This is all null and void if Don West was right, and Elijah Burke debuts as “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero in this match. If he does, you can just hand him the win, as that’s the track record here. 

Knockouts Championship title match: Angelina Love (w/ Madison Rayne and Velvet Sky) vs. ODB (w/ Cody Deaner)

Angelina retains. Please.

X-Division title match: Homicide vs. Samoa Joe (w/ Taz)

Homicide retains. He hasn’t had the title long, and there’s been no focus on it since he won it. He shouldn’t lose it yet.

Tag Team Championship match: Booker T and Scott Steiner (champs) vs. Team 3D

Team 3D should win here. I doubt that they will, but they should.

Legends Championship match: Mick Foley (champ) vs. Kevin Nash

Foley retains. Why let him win it if he’s going to lose it right away?

World Heavyweight title match: Kurt Angle (champ) vs. Matt Morgan vs. Sting

Angle retains. It’s Angle, duh.

That’s it for the real-time. Check back Sunday for a review of “Hard Justice!”

Peace out,

Drowgoddess

Welcome to the War for another week.

First off, let’s discuss the happenings of Monday Night RAW this week from Calgary. Alberta, Canada. Hall of Famer, Sgt. Slaughter was the guest host and did nothing but annoy and piss off the Canadian fans all night. I didnt mind this, as the Sarge lapped up playing bad guy host.

Good to finally see the Woggle get what he deserved, at the hands of Legacy. The sad thing is, Legacy then went on and challenged the reformed D-Generation X at SummerSlam. Nice to see you booking yourself to lose guys!

The crowd gave rather unique remarks to Chris Masters during his match. Chants of ‘Roid Rage’, among other comments were chanted by the Canadians. Does the Masterpiece really deserve this?

It’s nice to see that after he leaves TNA, his finishing move is used by the Calgary Kid on RAW.

I still don’t watch ECW.

What did Teddy Long do exactly to end up on probation?

One wonders if John Morrison will be World Champion by the end of the year, seeing as many sources will say that Jeff Hardy will take time off later this year?

Moving onto the other side of the tracks now, and TNA thought it would be best to have a massive brawl to take up 15 minutes of their time. What they didnt show however, was BG James Frog Splashing a car.

Have you heard Ric Flair rap?

Have you heard Hulk Hogan rap?

Curt Hennig thinks Rap Is Crap.

Yet, the Macho Man rapped a rap just for him.

Twilight star nude! Wait, what’s a Twilight?

I just thought I’d let you know, that as this particular sentence is written, is it exactly 1:25am on Thursday 13th August. As I write this sentence as the BWF servers crashed when I tried to post the column, it is now 9:43am on Thursday 13th August.

Random Code Monkeys clip of the week.

Greatest news article of the week, even though it is an outdated news article.

Finally tonight, as I’m sorry this column is so short. If the ECW results arent posted in the next say … 16 hours? I will bring them to you. Also, be sure to check out our forums. Sign up and have fun.

That’s the lot. Stay tuned to BWF throughout the week. I am the one they call ‘Legend Killer’, reminding you to read the latest Vintage Collection review.