Five Points and One Angle
By Drowgoddess · · Leave a CommentYour Empress of “Impact” has pondered the current doings of TNA, and has reached a few conclusions.
Your Empress of “Impact” has pondered the current doings of TNA, and has reached a few conclusions.
First of all, I have to welcome myself back, after being unable to provide the three of you who read my column each week. The reason why, is because someone in the household changed ISPs without meaning to, thus I lost my internet access. Also, as I write this, I have fallen ill. I get the best of luck don’t I? Anyways, let’s continue …
ZZ Top guest hosts RAW. I thought ZZ Top had three members?
The usage of Chavo Guerrero at the moment is nothing short of a complete joke. When he was in WCW, he was Cruiserweight Champion twice, and his talents were shows off each week. Recently, he’s been up against someone who strangely enough fits into THE Brian Kendrick’s jacket with ease from what I hear, Hornswoggle. Nobody should be “wrestling” Hornswoggle. Period.
Chris Jericho’s mystery partner is either Ted DiBiase, Mark Henry or Kane.
My future column for VinceRussoWatchesHisBeardGrow will elaborate on this further, but what happened to the good ‘ol days of watching wrestling? These days, the WWE is aimed at the kids, TNA is aimed at Kurt Angle and ROH has only just begun, and thus targeting anyone who’ll watch. What are the fans that have watched this product for years meant to enjoy? The fans who lived through the Attitude era flicking between RAW and Nitro? Why doesn’t pro wrestling care for these companies anymore?
UFC 100 was nothing short of awesome. Georges St. Pierre schooled Thiago Alves. Michael Bisping got dropped. Hard. Frank Mir got owned, and Brock Lesnar doesn’t like sponsors.
The Main Event Mafia hold 3/5 of the titles in TNA. Is the X-Divison and KnockOuts Championships not worthy of being owned by the MEM? Samoa Joe’s advisor, and one of the worst kept secrets in wrestling, Taz, was introduced at Victory Road. Notice how Joe, is the only member of MEM without a title belt? Is that because he didnt compete in another of the big two before arriving in TNA?
That’s all I can comment on for this week, sorry for the short column. As I said earlier, I’m unwell, and my head is spinning more and more as I type. Stay tuned for future columns by several BWF staff in the coming days. Who knows, you could see me again before the week is done.
Alright, this should be fun! I’m reviewing the show on a brand new laptop, and I woke up 5 minutes before the damned show started, starving but not wanting to let you guys down, since I missed my last two assignments here on BWF. Well, we’re getting back to normal this week, sort of. I’m back to do all my reviews, Legend Killer will be around on Wednesday with a new article (and he’s also working on something new for VinceRussoWatchesHisBeardGrow.com), and we’ll have Random Randomness on… Friday?!? JT is going on vacation at the end of the week, so he’s going to drop in with his column a couple days early. Anyways, I digress, put on your cheap sunglasses, it’s time for RAW with guest hosts ZZ Top!
Let me make one thing very clear, friends and readers. My title of “Empress of ‘Impact'” exists for a reason.
What’s up folks? How’s everyone doing? Welcome to another edition of your favorite article by yours truly. So lets get going: (more…)
“On the Road to Victory.” At least you are if you’re part of the Main Event Mafia.
Hey everybody…let’s get this thing started.
Match 1: Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo…Its your boys, Cryme Time accompanied by Eve Torres against the Hart Dynasty
Shad and David Hart Smith start the match off. DH is huge, but Shad is gigantic! The Hart Dynasty works on Shad’s knee after a chop block by Tyson Kidd. Once Shad gets the tag, JTG gets the pin on Tyson Kidd after a chaotic sequence that ended in a modified back breaker.
Rey Rey is out to address the Intercontinental title situation. Obviously Dolph Ziggler is going to be his opponent at Night of Champions. Ziggler comes out to remind people what his name is. Challenge made for NoC…challenge accepted for NoC. Rey Mysterio vs Dolph Ziggler for the Intercontinental title at Night of Champions. A fight ensues and Dolph Ziggler runs away from Rey Mysterio. What??? I forgot that Rey Rey is that scary.
Match 2: Diva match between Katie Lea and Brie Bella w/ Nikki Bella
Diva wrestling = Crap…Anyway, the twins confuse the referee and one of them gets the rollup win on Katie Lea
Main Event: United States Champ Kofi Kingston against the Big Show
Big Show dominates early on. Shouldn’t Show be in the World Title hunt? Big Show dominates the middle of the match. Shouldn’t Show be in the World Title hunt? Kofi tries to fight back, but Big Show shuts him back down. After a miss in the corner, Kofi tries to come back again, but Show shuts him down again. The quickness of Kofi takes Show down. Trouble in Paradise is blocked and Show Chokeslams the US Champ. Big Show gets the win.
Why is Big Show taking out Kofi on every televised show, only to lose to him at NoC? Shouldn’t he be in the World Title picture? Why isn’t Ted DiBiase taking on Kofi right now? Otherwise, the show saw random rivalries resume for no real reason. Bella Twins vs Katie Lea = random diva rivalry. Hart Dynasty vs Cryme Time = random tag team rivalry unless it leads to a number one contenders match.
Alrighty then folks…join me again for next week’s random mess otherwise known as WWE Superstars.
I remembered to watch ECW this week! We’re gonna do this in real-time, so refresh every 10 minutes or so if you’re reading while the show is on!
ECW is coming to us from Miami Florida, where the fans are chanting ECW to kick off the show. Speaking of kicking off the show, the number one contender for the ECW Championship at Night of Champions, Christian, is the first superstar out this evening. His opponent is the guy who got his revenge on Yoshi Tatsu last week, Shelton Benjamin.
Shelton Benjamin def. Christian
Christian was in control of this match, but he climbed to the top rope and Vladimir Kozlov’s music played and the Moscow Mauler made his way down to the ring, allowing Benjamin to dropkick Christian to the outside, and allowing us to take a quick…
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Kozlov has joined in on commentary, and Shelton Benjamin has taken control of this match. Christian shows some signs of life but The Gold Standard keeps on him. Christian manages some separation and hits a missile dropkick. At one point, Christian gets Benjamin draped over the ropes, and some little kid starts chanting “619, 619.” Christian didn’t oblige, however, instead standing on the back of Benjamin and choking him across the ropes. Benjamin hit an armbreaker from the top rope on Christian, but only scored a two count. Christian goes for the Killswitch, but Benjamin manages to escape. He tosses Christian shoulder first into the ringpost and hits Paydirt for the win.
Kozlov smiles at the announce table after the match and says that Christian is “nothing.”
Last week on ECW, Ezekiel Jackson, who is a part of the new superstar initiative despite the fact we used to see him on SmackDown every week, beat the hell out of some jobber. This week, he’s here with Gregory Helms. He’s very happy to be on ECW, and he’s only got one chance to make a good first impression. Helms asks if he felt he needed to break out of The Brian Kendrick’s shadow. Jackson says Kendrick hired him because he needed him.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Paul Burchill is already in the ring. Know what that means? That means he’s doing the job. His opponent was impressive the last couple of weeks in matches with Shelton Benjamin, Yoshi Tatsu.
Yoshi Tatsu def. Paul Burchill
Burchill is aggressive to kick things off, which should be expected from The Ripper. Tatsu fights back, but not for long, Burchill locks in a camel clutch. Tatsu fights out of it and starts throwing kicks. Tatsu goes for a springboard missile dropkick but he slips (and much to Drowgoddess’s delight, there’s no “you f*&#ed up” chant). Burchill takes advantage, but Tatsu manages to hit a “buzzsaw-like” kick to the head of Burchill (to which Matt Striker exclaims, “you’ve got to be Karate Kidding me!”) and picks up the victory.
Still to come, Tommy Dreamer takes on Vladimir Kozlov
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
ZZ Top will be the guest hosts of RAW next Monday.
Tiffany is in her office, and Tyler Rekes enters her office and asks about actually wrestling on ECW instead of on Superstars. She says she’ll book him for next week.
This week, however, she’s booked somebody else. You might know him. If you do, you will remember the name… Goldust. Can you guess who his opponent is? Did you guess Zack Ryder? Woo Woo Woo, you know it!
Zack Ryder def. Goldust
Good to see Goldust actually getting to wrestle instead of being stuck in stupid backstage skits. It’s not like the guy can’t wrestle. Realistically, this should be a showcase for Ryder with Goldust getting his offense in, and thusfar, that’s what it’s been. I just noticed – there’s a new referee! I have no idea what his name is, and we’ll probably never find out. Goldust hits a Bionic Elbow from the middle rope, but he didn’t do the little dance that Dusty used to do, so he only got a two count. Ryder winds up hitting the Zack Attack moments later and picking up the win.
RAW REBOUND: Guest Host Seth Green got himself involved in the main event. As in, he wrestled as the tag team partner of John Cena and Triple H as they took on Legacy. His team lost by disqualification.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Strange things have been happening in ECW, involving a mysterious superhero in green who “blew in and saved the day.” Hahaha, blew in. Matt Striker, you’re so punny.
Sheamus is set for action against some jobber. Sheamus tells him that he’s come to plant his flag as the most dominant superstar in ECW.
Sheamus def. Roman Cornell
If you’re over 15 years of age, you’ll recall the original WWF Superstars of Wrestling television program. You’ll also recall the matches – the established star beats the crap out of the newcomer. That’s what this felt like, despite the fact that Sheamus is a new guy himself. Sheamus picks up the easy win.
Up next, Tommy Dreamer takes on Vladimir Kozlov
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Next week, Christian and Tommy Dreamer will be guests on the Abraham Washington show.
Vladimir Kozlov is smiling on his way to the ring. I don’t want to see this guy smile, I want to see this guy kick ass, because that’s what he does, he kicks ass. Speaking of guys that kick ass, Tommy Dreamer is Kozlov’s opponent. I’m looking forward to a good fight here, that will probably get interrupted by Christian.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Vladimir Kozlov
You know, I was looking for a fight, and I got a wrestling match early on here. The thing is, even though these are two very tough guys who could easily kick your ass, they’re also capable of wrestling. The action spills to the outside, and Dreamer ducked a kick from Kozlov, who kicked the steel post instead. Very good match here. Not a match of the year contender by any means, but it’s entertaining. Kozlov catches Dreamer coming off the top rope with a headbutt to the chest, and drops the ECW Champion with a modified spinebuster for the victory.
Kozlov locks in a submission hold on Dreamer after the match, prompting Christian to come out for the save. Kozlov ducks Christian, who inadvertently hits Tommy Dreamer instead, then Kozlov nails a headbutt to the chest of Christian, leaving both the ECW Champion and his number one contender lying in the ring as the show goes off the air.
My Thoughts: Both the ECW Champion and his number one contender lost their matches tonight, and were both left lying by Vladimir Kozlov at the end of the show. I enjoyed tonight’s show, and I’m glad that Yoshi Tatsu and Sheamus were part of it. Out of the new Superstars they’ve debuted on this show over the last couple of weeks, those are the guys I think have what it takes to make it. I’m not sure about Tyler Rekes yet, and Abraham Washington hasn’t really done anything. It was an enjoyable show tonight for sure. I’ll see you guys Friday for SmackDown!
Triple H kicks off RAW tonight, and gets a huge ovation from the Orlando crowd. He reminds us that Donald Trump bought RAW, and Vince McMahon bought it back for double the price a week later. Meanwhile, something exciting happened – the celebrity guest host. The Game is here to announce tonight’s host. He was in Buffy and Austin Power, he’s also on Family Guy and is a co-creator of Robot Chicken. His name is Seth Green – and his theme song is Welcome To The Jungle. He’s thrilled to be here hosting RAW. he can do whatever he wants, pick the matches and whatnot. So the first thing he’s going to do is make a six diva swimsuit summer spectactular. It’s in the spirit of athletic competition, of course. Triple H sees it his way. It’s the kind of outside the box thinking that makes The Game a fan of Robot Chicken. They put celebrities in the most bizarre situations. The premiere episode has, potentially, the biggest star on the planet (according to Triple H), Triple H.
Clip of Triple H on Robot Chicken, getting his ass kicked by Dakota Fanning, until John Cena turns on her.
Triple H says that didn’t really happen. Triple H has experience fighting whiny little girls since his first match with Randy Orton. Triple H says that may be true, but he never said that. Randy Orton and Dakota Fanning have one thing in common – no male genatalia.
I hear voices in my head…
Orton says he’s got something Triple H don’t – the WWE Championship. He says that if Seth Green wants to take shots at Orton, he should know that Orton has somewhat of an anger management issue. He won’t hesitate to punt somebody in the head or RKO them no matter how big or pathetically small they might be. Triple H suggests himself vs. Orton for the main event. Orton says Green doesn’t wanna do that, since Cena and Triple H are already losing to him at Night of Champions. Triple H says he’ll just drop him right now. Orton has nothing to say to Triple H until Night of Champions, and he’s got nothing to say to Seth Green either. He then asks Green why he’s here. Maybe it’s so somebody might mistake him from being a real man. Green tells Orton he might be interested in tonight’s main event. It’s going to be Randy Orton and Legacy taking on Triple H and John Cena. Oh yeah, and their partner Seth Green.
Kelly Kelly is wasting valuable television time wandering aimlessly in the general direction of the ring in a bikini.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
The following is a chance for me to go grab some dinner Six Diva Summer Swimsuit Spectacular or something stupid like that. Screw this, I’m going to get some dinner.
Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendez, & Maryse def. Mickie James, Gail Kim, & Kelly Kelly
It’s your weekly multi-diva clusterf*(#, now with bikinis. BORING. I seriously went to get some dinner and came back in time to see Maryse pin Mickie James.
Seth Green runs into Chris Jericho backstage. Chris Jericho says he’s the guy who made a career of mocking Star Wars after claiming to be a big fan, and is now doing the same thing to the WWE. He needs to cater to Chris Jericho. Robot Chicken is apparently going on a roller skating tour with the band Gym Class Heroes for free. Green tells Jericho that if he’s going to bring negativity to the show, he might as well just leave. Jericho says he’s got something to say, and he’s going to say it whether Green likes it or not.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
WWE Slam of the Week – Carlito beat the crap out of his brother after they failed to beat Jericho and Edge for the Unified Tag Team Championships last week.
Primo is in the ring with a microphone and speaking Spanish. He calls out Carlito. He doesn’t get him though. What he gets is the best part of RAW, The Miz! Miz asks where Carlito is. He’s probably doing something more important, like getting a cup of coffee. So since Maryse is probably watching, The Miz is going to leave Primo laying in the middle of the ring like the rejected brother he is, because he’s The Miz, and he’s… AWESOME!
The Miz vs. Primo
Primo and The Miz put on a pretty good match, until Carlito interrupts and allows The Miz to hit a reverse Russian leg sweep for the victory.
After the match, Carlito spits in the face of his brother, who apparently don’t want to be cool.
Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler talk about Edge’s injury and what could happen with the Unified Tag Team Championships.
Still to come, Legacy take on Triple H, John Cena, and Seth Green.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
WWE Rewind: Hornswoggle defeated Chavo Guerrero on Superstars last Thursday.
Hornswoggle is hanging out with somebody his own size backstage. Seth Green tells him tonight it’s going to be Chavo vs. Hornswoggle, and Chavo will have one arm tied behind his back. The Big Show shows up, and Green asks him for advice. Show says to watch his match with Evan Bourne and see how guys his size fare in the WWE. He then says he’ll give some advice to Green, but it’ll cost him… One Million Dollars muwahahahahahahaha.
MVP makes his way to the ring for action. His opponent is the guy who just a week ago said he wouldn’t fight him, Jack Swagger.
MVP vs. Jack Swagger
A very entertaining match that sees Swagger drop MVP with the gutwrench powerbomb (or, as our good friend Green Teabagger calls it, The All-American American’s All-American American Americanator!) for the victory. I’d write more about it, but I’m still eating my meal from that stupid Diva thing earlier in the night.
Chris Jericho is carrying a folder and walking toward the ring.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
We know some of you may be eating, but here, enjoy these graphic pictures of Edge’s surgery on his Achille’s Tendon.
And now, please welcome his tag team partner, Chris Jericho!
Jericho says that for the first time in WWE history, the Unified Tag Team Champions are held by one man, and it’s appropriate that that man is the best in the world today, Chris Jericho. He finds it ironic that both Edge and Achilles were great warriors for their time and were taken down by injuries to their Achilles heel. Jericho lists Edge’s injuries and claims he was taking a chance by taking Edge on as a partner. It’s not fair to Jericho that he should have to suffer for Edge’s faults. He’s not giving up his titles. He’s got a contract with him that says that if Edge is injured, Jericho could chose a new tag team partner and remain tag team champion. Before Night of Champions, he’ll pick a devious, cunning partner who is worthy of being in the ring with Jericho, and he’ll also be a truthful, honest man.
Somebody gonna get they ass kicked…
Mark Henry makes his way to the ring, smiling. He enters, and Jericho smiles back. He says Henry is impressive, and just the type of partner Jericho had in mind. Henry puts his arm around Jericho and tells him that they could do unbelievable things. He asks Orlando if they think they’d be a good team. Henry says that he’s not out here to be his partner. Jericho’s look of confidence turns to a look of fear, and Henry tells him he’s out here to be his opponent.
Mark Henry def. Chris Jericho via count-out
Henry tears the suit off of Chris Jericho and tosses him around like a rag doll. Jericho takes some time outside the ring to regroup – and to take off his tie. He stalls as the fans chant “you suck.” He finally gets in the ring and the match officially starts. Henry tosses Jericho around as the announcers theorize that this is punishment for Jericho’s attitude with guest host Seth Green earlier. Jericho gets knocked down, and hightails it out of there, getting counted out in the process, much like Cody Rhodes last week.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Hornswoggle is here and ready for his match with Chavo Guerrero, who will have one hand tied behind his back.
Hornswoggle def. Chavo Guerrero
Ugh. Hornswoggle used a stinkface. Chavo goes for a one armed suplex, but Hornswoggle rolled him up for the pin instead.
Randy Orton is proud of Ted DiBiase for slapping his dad last week. DiBiase says he never wants to be like his old man. He’ll be better. Cody Rhodes says that his father might be the guest host last week, and unlike some people he has a great relationship with is dad. Orton instructs his Legacy mates to not touch Seth Green in this match, because Orton wants him for himself.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Kofi Kingston is on his way to the ring to do commentary for the following matchup. Evan Bourne is out first for this matchup, and his opponent is The Big Show.
Evan Bourne vs. The Big Show
Show dominates, with a little of Evan Bourne offense. Show hits a huge spear and locks in the Camel Clutch for the victory.
Show refuses to break the hold, but Kofi Kingston runs into the ring to make the safe. Kofi will face Big Show this Thursday on Superstars.
The Robot Chicken Star Wars Episode II DVD comes out next week. They show a clip, which I seriously wish was a clip from the first Star Wars episode with Hulk Hogan voicing Abe Lincoln against Jedi George Bush.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
We get a rundown of the Night of Champions card.
Backstage, Santino is playing with action figures, making his own figure knock out the Iron Shiek and kiss Trish Stratus. He asks Seth Green for a job on his show, “Electric Poultry.” Cena and Triple H join them and Santino leaves. Cena tells Green that if he abandons them he’ll beat him up. Triple H tells him it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, yadda yadda yadda. Cena and Triple H argue over who’s going to watch out for Green, and Cena says it doesn’t matter who protects him, he’s gonna get killed anyway. Triple H agrees.
Michael Cole reveals next week’s guest hosts for Monday Night RAW. That’s right, I said hosts, plural. They are…. ZZ TOP!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
(Thanks to Mr. Random Randomness, JT for covering the rest of the show)
Legacy Comes out first, we get reminded that Orton wants Seth Green to himself (like that’s really gonna happen). Seth Green comes out to “Welcome To The Jungle.” I wonder if Axl knows WWE is using his song. HHH out next. He spits water, it’s supposed to be cool or something. He’s also like a foot taller than Seth. Oh yeah he’s also on the cover of some muscle magazine. Cena out last to mostly cheers, he now has John Deere looking gear. Michael Cole says “this is what it’s all about.” Sorry Cole it really isn’t. We then go to a…
Commercial Break- The Taco Bell Bacon Potato Burrito is pretty good, you should try it. The G.I. Joe movie looks awesome, too bad I’ll be out of town when it comes out. 🙁
Legacy def. John Cena, Triple H, and Seth Green via disqualification
We fade to black with Legacy at the top of the ramp and Cena and HHH with Seth Green on hos shoulders standing tall in the ring.
My Thoughts: Seth Green should not be wrestling. Guest hosting is one thing, but getting involved in a professional wrestling match is another. The wrestlers are trained professionals, and as Edge’s latest injury has proven, even they get severely hurt doing what they do for a living. Seth Green is not a wrestler. Seth Green is an actor – one who’s work I actually enjoy. He’s got no business getting into the ring in a wrestling capacity. Look, I’m all for this guest host thing. I like it, it gives RAW an air of mainstream acceptance, and sure, Seth Green actually wrestling on Monday Night RAW will probably get some TMZ or Entertainment Tonight coverage, but is it really worth risking the poor guy’s health and career to have him step in and participate in something he’s not extensively trained to do?
Why aren’t Legacy complaining about not knowing who they have to face at Night of Champions? That fits their characters, even if their opponents are also heels. Hell, I don’t think Rhodes and DiBiase were even mentioned in Chris Jericho’s promo about the Unified Tag Team Championship match at Night of Champions, and they’re the challengers.
This show just wasn’t very good. I just hope that ZZ Top don’t jump in and challenge DiBiase and Rhodes to a Night of Champions warm up match next week.
As much as we all love the art form that is professional wrestling (And you know that you do, else why are you here, reading this article?), certain aspects of it drive us to near-psychosis, complete with the tearing out of hair, gnashing of teeth, and shouting “Turnip!” in very loud voices. Or maybe that’s just me. In any case, in no particular order and in no way federation-specific, here are “Ten Things I Hate About You, Professional Wrestling.”