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WWE RAW results 8/24/09

August 24, 2009 11:40 pm 4 Comments

Last night, while security was detaining a fan, Randy Orton hit an RKO and pinned John Cena to retain the WWE Championship. It wasn’t really a fan, however, it was Ted DiBiase’s brother Brett. Orton says that Brett DiBiase’s actions were inexcusable, and Cody Rhodes points out that Orton would’ve won anyway.

Floyd “Money” Mayweather is our guest host tonight – but first, it’s the boss, look busy!

Mr. McMahon makes his way to the ring, and he seems to be in a good mood. He says that tonight’s guest host is one of the greatest showmen, one of the greatest fighter of all time, Floyd “Money” Mayweather! But before we get to that, the referee’s decision, despite the controversey, is final. It’s time to clear up that controversey, John Cena will get his rematch in about three weeks on a pay per view. It’s a brand new concept, aptly known as “Breaking Poing,” in which the main events are submission matches. Cena and Orton’s match will be an “I Quit” match. And if anybody interferes on behalf of Orton, he’ll immediately be stripped of the WWE Championship. Have a good night!

BREAK IT DOWN!

Before the chairman can leave ringside, Triple H and HBK, collectively known as Degeneration X, make their way to the ring. Mr. McMahon tells them to have a good night. Triple H says we probably expected them on a tank, but with the economy, they couldn’t afford it. He then says that he doesn’t like good guy Mr. McMahon. It’s creepy. Like Michael Vick at a PETA convention. HBK says it’s yucky. Triple H says there must be a reason he’s in a good mood. The boss says he knows where this is going. HBK asks if today is August 24th. He thinks somebody’s got a birthday. Triple H says it’s Dave Chappelle. HBK says to think whiter and crazier. Triple H says Marley Matlin. HBK says older and more incoherent. Triple H wonders who we know that’s old, crazy, and incoherent. Oh wait! It’s Vincent Kennedy McMahon’s 84th Birthday! The fans start chanting “84.” Triple H corrects himself and says it’s his 74th birthday. The fans chant “74.” Triple H says he’s actually 70. Mr. McMahon says “I’m 64!” Triple H and HBK are surprised that he told everybody how old he is. McMahon tells them to leave. HHH asks how many birthday’s he’s got left, especially in Vegas. HBK says that if he doesn’t want to have a happy birthday, it’s ok, because he’s a pioneer. Triple H says he was a real pioneer with the wagon and everything. HBK says no, he’s the reason we watch WWE Television. If he doesn’t want to have a happy birthday, it’s ok, but he wants to show him a tribute. It’s a nice touching tribute – until they play the clip of “Stand Back.” Then they show a bunch of Vince’s not so proud moments at the hands of not only DX, but Bobby Lashley, Steve Austin, Mae Young and others. McMahon says he won’t forget about this. Triple H says at his age he probably will forget about it, but he certainly won’t forget about this – a birthday cake is wheeled down to the ring as HBK starts singing “Happy Birthday.” Triple H interrupts and says something’s not right. This is Vegas. Anybody can have a cake, but in Vegas, things are done differently. HBK says that he’s been told that whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Triple H says that even if Mr. McMahon sends out memo not to mention his birthday, sometimes people just have to do it anyway. HBK says that he was roped into this, but anyway, you can’t have a Vegas birthday without showgirls. So of course, this brings out the Vegas showgirls. Mr. McMahon asks how much longer this is going to go on. Triple H says they also got him Cirque De Sole, and a couple of the Cirque De Soley pogo stilt guys come out. Mr. McMahon says their masks are really gay. Triple H makes fun of the guys bouncing around the ring, and Vince asks if they’re done. HBK says you can’t have a birthday in Vegas without the king of Rock and Roll, Elvis. An Elvis impersonator makes his way to the ring. McMahon calls him the skinniest Elvis he’s ever seen. Triple H hands him a microphone, and Elvis gives Mr. McMahon his sunglasses and leads everybody in singing Happy Birthday to the chairman. Triple H says he thinks Mr. McMahon should look at his cake – it’s no ordinary cake, if you get what he means. Some music starts playing, and Big Dick Johnson comes out of the cake. Mr. McMahon tosses him out of the ring, and says he’s had enough of this birthday crap. Triple H says there’s one more thing, and they kick out the showgirls, the Crique De Sole guys, and Elvis. HBK says he had nothing to do with this. Triple H says it’s a private thing so we should all close our eyes. He says he’s got one more present for Mr. McMahon. They position him in the ring as if something were going to drop on him, but Rhodes and DiBiase attack from behind. DX fend them off this time, and the WWE Champion appears on the top of the ramp. Triple H says that since Floyd Mayweather hasn’t gotten here yet, it’s going to be all three members of Legacy against DX and their partner, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Mr. McMahon says it’s no disqualification. He says he’s always wanted to do this part – “If you’re not down with that, we’ve got two words for ya!”

Santino is already in the ring, which means he’s probably doing the J.O.B. His opponent tonight is The Miz… and he’s… AWESOME!

The Miz def. Santino

The Miz looks to be more focused than ever before, and more aggressive as well. Santino starts to build some momentum, but it just takes one mistake on his part for The Miz to hit the Skull Crushing Finale for the win.

After the match, The Miz takes a microphone, and he says he’s now one step closer to defeating Kofi Kingston to become the new United States Champion, because he’s The Miz… and he’s.. AWESOME!

There’s three Divas in boxing gear walking towards the ring. That can only mean one thing – dinnertime!

I love it when the WWE does these “Did You Know” segments about having more viewers than Monday Night Football when it’s the pre-season, like it’s some kind of accomplishment.

This is a six-Diva cluster*(# “Mayweather Melee”

Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendez, & Alicia Fox def. Gail Kim, Mickie James, & Kelly Kelly

I’m not reviewing this crap. In fact, I didn’t watch it. I went and popped my dinner in the microwave and came back to Beth Phoenix’s team celebrating in the ring.

HBK is concerned about the match later tonight. HHH is too concerned about The Rise and Fall of WCW DVD. HBK thought they only shilled their own merch. HHH says that they need to get Vince motivated to fight, and he should be absolutely fuming right about now. Backstage, Jillian is dressed like Marilyn Monroe and sings happy birthday to Mr. McMahon until he kicks her out.

Welllll – BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!

Last year, I went to WrestleMania, and I saw Floyd Mayweather knock out The Big Show with a pair of brass knucks. Here, let’s watch it again! Anyways, Big Show says that Mayweather is doing the right thing – he’s hiding from him. If Show gets his hands on him, he’s going to hurt him. He hasn’t forgotten about WrestleMania, and they have some unfinished business. Show says he’s not leaving the ring, and nobody can make him, until Mayweather shows up. Jericho says nobody can make him leave. It’s 9:52, and Floyd Mayweather finally strolls into the arena.

Big Show and Chris Jericho are awaiting the arrival of Floyd “Money” Mayweather. Lillian introduces him as the Quarter Billion Dollar Man. Floyd makes his way out to the ring with his entourage – and with a stack of money strapped to his arm for some reason. After milking his entrance for about 20 minutes, Mayweather gets in the ring, where he’s towered over by both The Big Show and Chris Jericho. Mayweather reminds Show about WrestleMania, and he says he’ll do it again tonight, but he’s got a September 19th PPV bout that’s more important. Mayweather gets in Jericho’s face. Jericho says that he was introduced as the greatest fighter in the world, but Jericho disagrees. He thinks he’s a great self promoter and a showboater, but he’s not that good of a boxer. He thinks, little man, that his big comeback fight against Juan Manuel Marquez, he’s going to get knocked out. Show says that after Marquez cleans his clock, maybe he and Jericho will step in the ring, take whats left, and wipe him from the face of the planet.

I’m Comin!

MVP makes his way to the stage, and tell Big Show and Jericho that he doesn’t appreciate them talking to Money Mayweather that way, since he’s made him a lot of money. Jericho may look up 16 syllable words in his Oxford Dictionary every week, but Mayweather could knock him out 37 times before he can open his mouth. Kinda like he did to The Big Show last year. Jericho points out that Mayweather did it with the help of 18 friends. MVP says Show could’ve done the same if he had any friends. Jericho says Show is his friend. MVP says the only reason Jericho’s on RAW is because he’s one half of the Unified Tag Team Champions. MVP wishes that somebody would beat them so they could send Jericho back to SmackDown. He asks Mayweather for a tag title shot with a partner of his choosing at Breaking Point. Mayweather says let’s do it tonight. He asks if MVP has a partner in mind. MVP says he does…

Somebody’s gonna get they ass kicked…

Mark Henry joins MVP on the stage, and it looks like we’ve got a tag title match coming up NEXT!

MVP & Mark Henry def. Chris Jericho & The Big Show

This match is apparently not for the tag titles, but instead if MVP and Henry win, they get a tag title shot at Breaking Point. The Tag Champs keep control of this one by cutting the ring in half and using frequent tags to keep the fresh man in the ring. Gorilla Monsoon would be so proud. The champs are doing a great job of keeping MVP away from Mark Henry as we head to a…

MVP is still cut off from Mark Henry when we come back. The Unified Tag Team Champions are still dominating this match. MVP rolls out of the way of a Lionsault, and he manages to make the tag. Rather than tag out, Jericho goes straight at Henry. He goes for the Codebreaker, but Henry catches him. Henry goes for the World’s Strongest Slam, but Jericho reverses it into a DDT for a two count. Henry tags MVP back in, who takes Jericho down and hits the Ballin’ elbow for a two count. Jericho hits the running enziguri, but Henry breaks up the pin. He tosses The Big Show out of the ring, and Mayweather puts brass knucks on the hand of MVP, who uses them to knock out Chris Jericho for the win!

Big Show carries Jericho’s unconscious body out of the arena as Floyd Mayweather celebrates with MVP and Mark Henry.

Rhodes and the DiBiases are discussing how they have the advantage in their match tonight, since it’s no DQ. Orton comes in and dismisses Brett DiBiase. He tells the other members of Legacy that tonight, he’s going to take out Mr. McMahon for good.

Last week, Hornswoggle beat Chavo Guerrero with a little help from Kevin McCallister. This week, they’re going to have a boxing match. The referee tells Chavo he won’t need his gloves. He goes out of the ring and grabs some big glove boxing gloves. Chavo says he’s still gonna knock Hornswoggle out.

Hornswoggle def. Chavo Guerrero (again)

Chavo misses with a punch and Hornswoggle gets some body blows in. This happens a couple of times, and the third time, Hornswoggle gets a headshot, knocking Chavo down for a two or three count. Chavo takes his gloves off and bodyslams Hornswoggle, earning the disqualification.

After the match, Chavo climbs the ropes and is looking for the Frog Splash, when Evan Bourne comes out to make the save. He knocks Guerrero down and hits the Air Bourne before going to check on Hornswoggle.

Still to come, DX and Mr. McMahon vs. Legacy.

Mr. McMahon is warming up backstage with Floyd Mayweather when Carlito walks in and complains that he’s not on the show. Triple H comes in and says Mayweather’s doing a great job. Triple H then says something about getting busy with Stephanie, which prompts Mr. McMahon to knock Carlito out.

ThinkSoJoE Note: Every week, much like RAW itself, we bring you a special guest host for the main event of RAW – for the sheer fact that I work a night job and cannot cover it myself. This week’s guest host is BWF’s Random Redhead, JT!

DX comes out first, I wonder if the cheers are real or fake?
Vince out next, crowd quiet.
Legacy out last, they walk to the ring slowly.
HBK is thrown out to Legacy.
Vince starts out with Rhodes
Then HBK, then HHH
Rhodes is all alone, is then thrown out to his buddies.
Commercial Break- Whopper Jr. is only $1. But the Tendercrisp is better.
Go see Halloween 2 or Michael Myers will come visit you.
Back
DiBiase has HHH in a headlock, but he fights out of it and hits DiBiase with a DDT
Tag to HBK who dominates DiBiase
Big elbow by HBK off the top rope.
Rhodes interferes
Orton tags in and stomps on HBK
Knee to the head be Orton
Tag to Rhodes, he dominates
HBK tries to fight out but is unsuccessful
Tag to Orton, the beatdown on HBK continues
Pin attempt-2
Orton headlock on HBK
HBK fights out
Tag to Rhodes, but HBK tags HHH
HHH dominates
Spinebuster, then Pedigree
tag to Vince
pin attempt-2
Orton tries to kink Vince in the head, HBK stops it
Orton tries to run, but Cena comes out
HBK hits Sweet Chin Music
Cena hits the F-U
Vince pins Orton
Your winners DX & Vince Mcmahon
We fade to black with Cena, DX and Vince McMahon standing tall.

Thanks, JT!

My Thoughts: I didn’t hate the opening segment. A lot of people that I talked to tonight did, but I’m not in that category. I actually laughed a couple of times, which is more than I can say about most RAW segments not involving Santino Marella in the last few months.

This “guest host pisses off The Big Show” thing has got to stop. Unless Shaq and Floyd Mayweather are going to be teaming up at whatever PPV is after Breaking Point to take on Jericho and The Big Show, I don’t see the point of it. Also, the same goes for Chavo Guerrero jobbing to Hornswoggle. I get it, the guest hosts are amused by Chavo’s inability to beat the little guy. It’s getting old.

Speaking of old, happy birthday, Mr. McMahon! BTW, Mr. McMahon, if you’re looking for writers for RAW that understand professional wrestling, I can recommend about five people…

WWE SummerSlam LIVE … and in Real-Time

August 23, 2009 9:00 pm Leave a Comment

The one they call ‘Legend Killer’ here to bring you SummerSlam. Now, due to technical difficulties, I missed a portion of the event. Here’s what we’ve missed.

SUMMERSLAM PRE-SHOW: 15-DIVA BATTLE ROYAL

Chavo Guerrero is Guest referee.

YOUR WINNER: Beth Phoenix with help from Chavo Guerrero.

Post-Royale, Hornswoggle comes down to ringside, and with the Divas holding Chavo down. Hornswoggle hits the Tadpole Splash.

MATCH#1: WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP

Rey Mysterio (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler

YOUR WINNER AND STILL INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION: Rey Mysterio

Josh Mathews interviewed MVP and Jack Swagger before their match.

MATCH#2: MVP vs. Jack Swagger

YOUR WINNER: MVP

Spot the celebrity was next. Luke Perry, Nancy O’Dell and last week’s RAW Guest Host, Freddie Prinze Jr. are in attendance.

MATCH#3: UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP

Chris Jericho and Big Show (c) vs. Cryme Tyme

YOUR WINNERS AND STILL UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: Chris Jericho and Big Show

An interview with CM Punk comes next. He’s going to re-write the ending of the Jeff Hardy screenplay he was handed.

That’s it for the catch-up. The Real Real-Time, begins NOW!

MATCH#4: Kane vs. Great Khali w/Runjin Singh

Kane tries to attack, but Khali counters easily. Khali sends Kane over the top, but Kane hangs him up on the top rope. Khali misses a Leg drop, and Kane takes advantage. Kane apparently has evil elbows. Kane goes foe the chokeslam, but Khali breaks it up and goes for the Punjabi Plunge, but Kane breaks that up. Great Khali tries for the pin but only gets a 2.

Kane goes up top with a Clothesline, and gets a 2. Kane applies a reverse chinlock, with half a leg scissor, but Khali powers out of the hold, and breaks it with elbows, then hits a boot to the face. Khali gets a near fall, then applies the Vice Grip. Kane escapes, and drags in Runjin Singh. Khali doesn’t attack, and receives a dropkick to the knees for his trouble. One DDT later, and Kane gets the fall.

YOUR WINNER: Kane

A shot of Vince’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. More celebrity sightings. Someone from the Today Show, Slash and Robert Patrick.

Promo video for DX/Legacy.

Side Note: My predictions are 2 and 2 going by my predictions on this very site, earlier in the week.

MATCH#5: D-GENERATION X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels) vs. LEGACY (Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes)

DX with a new opening section to their music, as the Army come out and fire guns in the air. HHH and HBK come out on a tank. After what seems like an eternity, DX finally enter the ring, say their usual, then Legacy hit the ring.

Helmsley and DiBiase start. Both men fight for early momentum, and it goes to the Game. Hunter with a suplex, into a Knee Drop for the two count. Rhodes gets the tag, and meets the High Knee of the Game. Rhodes slaps HBK, so HHH tags him in. Cody beats HBK in an upper hand battle with a slap, so Michaels takes him down with a tackle. Michaels repays one of the slaps, then starts tuning the band, but Rhodes escapes to the outside.

Shawn with a side headlock, but Cody escapes and tags in DiBiase. Michaels with hard chops in the corner, but gets sent across the ring by Teddy, and he does his traditional flip on the turnbuckle, meeting a clothesline on his way back. Rhodes back in, and he continues the assault. A near fall follows, and DiBiase gets the tag back in.DiBiase with a chin lock, but Michaels escapes, then hits a running neckbreaker. Michaels gets the tag to Hunter and he lets loose on Legacy. Triple H looks for the Pedigree on DiBiase, but Rhodes breaks it up. Michaels takes care of Rhodes, and as the referee is distracted, DiBiase gets a Low Blow in on Helmsley.

Legacy work on HHH in the corner, tagging in and out frequently to keep each man fresh. DiBiase with a chin lock on Helmsley, Trips tries to make the tag to his partner, but its inches in it, before Teddy pulls him away. Trips finally escapes the hold, and both men are down. Cody gets the tag and DDT’s Triple H. Cody with what looks like an Armbar-type hold, as Helmsley tries to make the tag to Shawn. Triple H escapes, and both men down again. DiBiase gets the tag, and he knocks down HBK before Triple H can get the tag.

DiBiase and Helmsley share punches in the corner, then Helmsley whips DiBiase across, but HHH meets a back elbow. DiBiase charges at H, but Trips side-steps, sending Teddy Jr. to the outside. Both men in, and both get the tag. Michaels fires at Cody, attacking on all cylinders, until diBiase attacks him from behind. Triple H takes care of DiBiase, as Michaels continues the attack on Rhodes. HBK heads up top for the elbow, but Rhodes counters, knocking HBK down. Cody tries a suplerplex, but HBK knocks him off the ropes and onto the mat. Michaels goes for the elbow again, but this time Cody gets his knees up. Rhodes tries a pinfall but only gets 2. Michaels locks in the Figure 4 on Rhodes, but DiBiase breaks it up. Triple H tries a Pedigree on DiBiase, but Rhodes breaks it up.

Shawn tries Sweet Chin Music again, but Rhodes counters into the Cross-Rhodes. Cody tries a pin, but Triple H breaks it up. Carnage follows, as DiBiase gets in DreamStreet on Michaels, but Triple H takes DiBiase out. Michaels and Rhodes help each other up it seems, then HBK fires Sweet Chin Music from nowhere, and gets the fall.

YOUR WINNERS: D-GENERATION X

I now go above 50% for my predictions, and after being 0-2, I’m now 3-2.

A promo for the NBC special of Wrestlemania 25.

MATCH#6: ECW CHAMPIONSHIP

Christian (c) vs. William Regal w/Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov

A confrontation before the match as both men argue, the bell rings, and as Regal is taking off his robe, Christian nails the Unprettier for the pinfall.

YOUR WINNER AND STILL ECW CHAMPION: Christian

Post-match, Jackson and Kozlov, begin a beatdown of the Champion, Regal applies the Regal Stretch, and the Champion is left laying. Just like that, I’m 3-3.

A video of the WWE superstars around Los Angeles for SummerSlam.

OFFICAL SONG: ‘You Gotta Move’ by Aerosmith

Recap of last week’s Main Event from RAW between Orton/Cena and Jericho/Show.

MATCH#7: WWE CHAMPIONSHIP

Randy Orton (c) vs. John Cena

Time to hear those Voices in your head. The ones the council you, that talk to you, that understand.

Champion introductions, as the bell rings.

Cena with a takedown into a Front Facelock for the early advantage. Cena tries to work on the arm of Orton, but receives right hands in the form of a fist to the face for his troubles. But these don’t last long, as Cena regains the advantage. He sends Randy to the corner, then drops him with a Bulldog for the two. Orton now with the upper hand, pummeling Cena in the corner, before sending him hard across into another corner. Orton starts dissecting Cena, stomping on everything that makes up the being of John Cena, before a jumping knee lands on the chest of the challenger, and Randy gets a near fall from it.

Cena tries to regain momentum, but Orton nails his BackBreaker for another near-fall. Randy now applies a chin lock, as the crowd is divided between the Cena haters and the ten-year old Cena fans. Randy turns the hold into a Leg Scissors as well as the chin lock, but Cena powers out. Cena with the Warrior Shoulder blocks, then the reverse powerbomb-type move. Next comes the 5-knuckle shuffle, and as Cena looks to finish him off, Orton gets a slam in and the near fall.

Randy begins the dissection, but Cena rolls out of the way of the Knee Drop. Cena attacks, but Orton avoids and Cena ends up on the outside. Cena tries to get back in, but Orton gets a DDT in, and gets a near fall. Orton begins his stalking for the Scott Norwood Punt, and like Norwood, he misses as Cena gets out of the way, and nails the Throwback. Cena nails what looked like the Fame Asser for the two. Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Orton escapes, and both men down take each other down with clotheslines. The ref’s ten count begins, and both men are up at 8. Both men exchange shots, and Cena gains the advantage with the Back Body Drop. Thats enough for Orton however, as he pushes the referee down and gets the blatant DQ.

YOUR WINNER AS A RESULT OF DISQUALIFICATION: John …

Wait a minute, Lilian sends a message, on behalf of Vinnie Mac, that the match is restarted, and if Orton is DQ’ed again, then he loses the Gold.

Orton sends Cena into the ring steps, then sends him in the ring for a couple of near-falls. Orton rolls out of the ring, as I notice two BEER MONEY!!!! fans in the audience. Orton decides that he’ll deliberately get counted out this time, allowing Cena to win again.

YOUR WINNER VIA COUNTOUT: John …

Wait, wait, wait. Vinnie Mac talks psychically with Lilian and the match gets restarted again.

Cena tries to finish it, but Orton rolls him up with his feet on the ropes and gets the 3!!

YOUR WINNER AND STILL WWE CHAMPION: Randy …

Just when you thought it was all over, a second referee comes down and tells the first referee, that Orton’s feet were on the ropes. So we restart again …

Cena locks in the STF and has Orton beat, until what looked like a fan comes in and attacks the referee, causing confusion amongst everyone.

The match gets started yet again, Orton nails the RKO and finally gets the victory.

YOUR WINNER AND STILL WWE CHAMPION: Randy Orton

Promo video for the TLC match for the World Heavyweight Championship is shown.

MAIN EVENT: WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

TABLES, LADDERS AND CHAIRS (oh my!)

Jeff Hardy (c) vs. CM Punk

Champion introductions once again, as the bell rings. Punk with the assault early in the corner on Hardy. Punk with a chair, and introduces it to Jeff Hardy. Punk with the ladder in the ring, and as he climbs, Jeff knocks him down. Now it’s Hardy with an attack in the corner. Jeff goes to climb, and Punk knocks him down. Punk goes for the GTS, but Hardy blocks it.

Jeff with the chair, sets it up, goes for Poetry In Motion and misses, and Punk catches him and hits a Back Breaker on the chair. Punk slams the Ladder on Hardy, then nails him with a low dropkick. Punk sends Hardy to the outside, then jumps out of the ring with a Suicide Dive, aniling the champion. Punk sets up a table at ringside, then grabs a chair and tries to mush Hardy’s head against the turnbuckle post, but to no avail. Hardy tries to send Punk to the ring steps, but Punk avoids the steps, only to receive a chair shot from the champion. Hardy then hits Poetry In Motion in the chair. Hardy sets Punk up on a table, and tries to put him through it with a Splash, but Punk rolls out of the way, and Hardy crashes and burns.

Punk tries for the belt again, but Hardy stops him and goes for the belt himself. Punk stops him before he can grab it and goes for the GTS, but receives a sit-down Powerbomb for his troubles. Hardy goes for the title, and just as he gets there, Punk pushes the ladder over, and Hardy crashes. Punk then puts Hardy on the top rope, and nails a Superples off it, onto a Ladder. Jeff nails a Twist of Fate, then heads up top and goes for the Swanton, but Punk gets his knees up. Punk goes for the Bulldog Headlock, but Hardy puts Punk through the table that Punk had setup earlier.

Hardy goes to climb again, but Punk springboards off the ropes and knocks Hardy off. Punk puts the chair around Hardy’s neck, and looks to send him into the turnbuckle post, but Hardy blocks it, and bashes Punk with the chair. Hardy hits Punk with a piece of the Spanish announce table, then hits him with the chair again. Hardy then grabs a super ladder, climbs to the very top, and Swanton’s CM Punk through the Spanish Announce table.

The stretchers are out, and Hardy’s being whisked away. Meanwhile, Punk has crawled in the ring, and is headed for the belt. Punk climbs, Jeff makes it to the ladder as well, and both are on the ladder. Punk kicks Hardy off the ladder, and unhooks the belt to become champion.

YOUR WINNER AND NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION: CM Punk

Punk towers over Hardy and just when you think it’s over, the lights go out, and Taker’s gong hits. The lights come back, and Punk isn’t towering over Hardy anymore. Taker gets up and chokeslams the new Champion.

My predictions ended at 5-3. Pretty good I think, always over 50% is a good thing.

Overall, the PPV was good. I enjoyed watching it. The opening match was a good opening, and the Main event was a good viewing, even thought the finish was a little scrappy I thought, but with Hardy leaving, the return of the Undertaker, means that Punk has his opponent for Breaking Point. This has been the one they call ‘Legend Killer’, tune in tomorrow night for RAW.

The War On … SummerSlam predictions

5:52 am Leave a Comment

Welcome to the War for a special occasion.

It’s amazing really, I barely talked about the SummerSlam Pay-Per-View LIVE in about … 14 hours time, which means … it’s prediction time.

MVP vs. Jack Swagger

The man I call Dusty Rhodes gets the win. Listen to Swagger speak, then you’ll know.

Kane vs. the Great Khali

I can’t stand Khali, so I hope Kane wins. Then again, Kane needs the mask.

Unified Tag Team Championship: JeriShow (c) vs. Cryme Time

If Cryme Tyme win, then it will be a joke. Jericho and Show with the victory.

ECW Championship: Christian (c) vs. William Regal

William Regal. Sure, it will technically count as a Major Championship reign, but having he, Kozlov and Zeke as a stable on ECW, could be a really good thing. Especially, with the leader with the belt.

Intercontinental Championship: Rey Mysterio (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler

I can’t stand Rey. I couldn’t stand him as a Filthy Animal, and I can’t stand him now. Give Ziggler the win, even though he was a stupid name.

Legacy vs. D-Generation X

Legacy should win, however they won’t. DX pickup the win.

WWE Championship: Randy Orton (c) vs John Cena

Orton should retain. I hope the snipers come and shoot Cena.

World Heavyweight Championship: TLC: Jeff Hardy (c) vs CM Punk

Considering Hardy is leaving either at SummerSlam, or the week after. Punk will win. Punk should win. Vampiro doesn’t deserve it.

There you go, that’s who will win. I will be watching if I am awake. If the PPV is not up to scratch, then I wont be watching Floyd Mayweather Guest Host RAW.

WWE RAW results 8/17/09

August 17, 2009 11:35 pm 2 Comments

As we start, I’m having issues with my computer. Anyways, Freddie

Prinze, Jr. kicks the show off, as he’s tonight’s guest host. He’s a lifelong WWE fan, just like us. He’s got the closet full of action figures, he’s got the Colusseum Home Videos hosted by Mean Gene, and he even had the WWF Superstars of Ice Cream Bars that would make you vomit if you ate them, but tonight’s about the WWE Universe! He decides that we’re going to start SummerSlam right here tonight! The Divas and United States Championships are on the line tonight. Also tonight, the return of DX! But he’s not finished…

He’s interrupted by some ominous sounding music, and some guy in black leather and a hook in his hand, apparently from “I Know What You Did Last Summer” (which sucked, BTW), makes his way down to the ring. The guy takes the microphone and tells him he knows what he did last summer. And he knows what he’s going to do this Summer. You’re going “to put me in one of your mooooovieees!” It’s Santino! He says he would be a good fisherman, and he has written a screenplay called “I know what you did about 12 Summers Ago.” He says he could be in a romantic comedy. He puts on a wig and glasses as the melody from “Kiss Me” plays. He says he’s obviously a nerd, but then Freddy made a bet with the guy from The Fast and the Furiest, and then, Pow, Santino is like a sexy, hot guy. They could call it, “He’s All That.” Freddie thinks it’s good, but Santino needs a little help. Santino says he needs something more current. He points out that Prinze will be in “24,” and Santino thinks he needs a partner. Santino goes into FBI mode and interrogates Lillian Garcia. He tells Prinze to call Keifer Sutherland, and his wife the werewolf slayer, and tell them that Santino Marella is an actor. Prinze says that he’ll call everybody, but Santino has to spend the next two hours rehearsing. Prinze says at least there’s no Scooby Doo joke. Anyways, he’s got a match to make tonight. In the main event, it’s going to be so sick…

I hear voices in my head…

The WWE Champion interrupts. Tonight he’s teaming with John Cena, but screw that. He doesn’t have to team with Cena, so he won’t. Prinze reminds him that he’s in his hometown. Orton says he doesn’t care if the fans get to see him wrestle or not. It’s not about them. He’s the WWE Champion and it’s about him. He’s not going to ask again. Orton tells Prinze to take him out of this match. Prinze asks if he looks like Seth Green or Jeremy Piven. He tells Orton not to try and bully him. Sgt. Slaughter made the match, and he’s not going to change it. He will compete tonight, he will team with Cena, and he will face the Unified Tag Team Champions. Orton grabs Prinze and drops him with his neckbreaker/backbreaker combo. Referees and EMTs make their way out to check on Prinze as the WWE Champion slithers his way back up the ramp.

Before the break, Orton hit Freddie Prinze Jr. with a neckbreaker. He’s been taken to a nearby medical facility, and we’ll get an update on his condition later on in the show, hopefully.

Meanwhile, this match is scheduled for one fall and it is for the United States Championship!

Tradition be damned, the United States Champion, Kofi Kingston is out first for this match. This past Thursday on WWE Superstars, Carlito pinned Kofi in a mixed tag match. Guess who Kofi’s opponent is? That’s right, it’s Carlito, who is accompanied by Rosa Mendez.

Kofi Kingston def. Carlito to retain the United States Championship

Kofi always gets the most random challengers for his title. There’s like no structure whatsoever to the United States title picture. Of course, that fact alone makes the United States Championship scene infinitely more interesting than the recurring Randy Orton/John Cena/Triple H theme of the World Championship scene. Anyways, Carlito takes the early offense, even tossing the Champion out of the ring as we head to a…

Carlito dominated during the break, and he continues that as we come back. Kofi finally starts to battle back, but catches a boot straight to the face, earning Carlito a two. It’s all Carlito for a few more minutes, but Kofi finally turns it around and quickens the pace of the match. He gets a two off of the Thunderclap Leg Drop, and another one off of a second rope cross-body. He scores another one on an uppercut that looked like it knocked out a tooth. He goes for a top rope corss body, but Carlito rolls through and scores a two count. Kofi misses a Trouble In Paradise, and Carlito hits a neckbreaker for two. Carlito goes for teh backstabber, but it’s reversed, and Kofi hits Trouble In Paradise and retains the US Championship!

We’re waiting for the arrival of DX. If that were anybody other than Triple H and Shawn Michaels showing up this late for work, they’d be fired.

DX is reuniting tonight. Hey, let’s look at DX’s greatest hits!

The Miz is rocking some new tights. And a new contract – he won it last week by outsmarting Eugene. The Miz says that two weeks ago he was banned from RAW, so now he stands before us a new man. New attitude, new look, same mouth. In a few short moments, he’ll be embarking on the most remarkable turnaround in WWE history as he starts his quest to become the new United States Champion. Kofi should enjoy his belt while he can, because that title will be The Miz’s. Because he’s The Miz – and he’s – AWESOME!

Evan Bourne is the most over guy on the roster behind Jeff Hardy, and he’s on his way to the ring to face The Miz.

The Miz def. Evan Bourne

This match is all The Miz, who is stretching Bourne like a new student in the Hart Dungeon. Bourne finally mounts a comeback, scoring a two with a standing moonsault. He takes The Miz down and climbs the ropes, but The Miz knocks him down. Bourne jumps on The Miz’s shoulders, but The Miz puts him down and hits him with the Skull Crushing Finale for the victory.

RAW’s been on for 54 minutes, and we’re still waiting for DX – who are apparently supposed to be on NEXT!

Two weeks ago, Triple H lost to Legacy and then verbally buried them. Then last week, Hunter found Shawn working as a chef and invited him back to the WWE.

DX’s limo shows up, and HBK has second thoughts. Triple H talks him into coming to the ring. As their walking to the ring, Jillian starts singing their theme song, and Hunter puts a trash can over her. Santino does his CSI act, and HBK superkicks him. Triple H points out that Santino didn’t mean to harm them, and HBK says he knows.

Are you ready?

I’M READY!

Degeneration X make their way to the ring. It’s 10:05 and they finally showed up for work. The first hour of this show was pretty good. The rest of it will probably suck now. Shawn finally hands Triple H his microphone at 10:07. Yep. Two minutes of DX running around like idiots. Hunter finally asks the question on everybody’s mind at 10:09. Are you ready? No, Hunter. We’re not. Maybe if this were 1997 we would be, but I don’t think we’ll ever be ready for another reincarnation of DX until the WWE decides to cater to the fans instead of the boss. Thankfully, we’re saved from another terrible DX segment by Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, who toss Triple H out of the ring and double team HBK for a moment before The Game tries – and fails – to make the save (World Wrestling Insanity reader vinrob says “I guess they weren’t ready”). Rhodes takes HBK’s boot off of his foot, and he hits Hunter with it. They leave DX lying, and DiBiase tells Triple H that, to answer his question, yes, they’re ready.

WrestleMania 25 will be on NBC on August 29. Hopefully it’ll be as cool as last year’s NBC broadcast of WrestleMania 24.

Before the break, Legacy (thankfully) took out DX.

The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the WWE Divas Championship.

Mickie James makes her way out to the ring (again, tradition be damned.) Her opponent tonight is Gail Kim.

Mickie James def. Gail Kim to retain the WWE Divas Championship

Holy crap. This is two WWE Television shows in a row that have a one on one Divas match. Hell has officially frozen over. The difference between this one and the one on SmackDown, of course, is that these are two women who can actually wrestle. Gail Kim, of course, a former WWE Women’s Champion and the first ever TNA Knockouts Champion, and Mickie James a former multiple time WWE Women’s Champion prior to her current run as WWE Divas Champion. Mickie James knocked Gail Kim the hell out with a forearm to the face to pick up the win.

After the match, Mickie helps Gail up to her feet.

Earlier tonight, Randy Orton took out guest host Freddie Prinze, Jr.

Prinze is supposedly back in the building. Josh Matthews is standing by with John Cena. Cena does a lame promo, complete with a poop joke, making fun of Orton not wanting to wrestle in his match tonight. He finishes by saying that after SummerSlam, the champ will be here. Jericho interrupts and says that the champs are here. Big Show tells him he might not make it to SummerSlam.

Last week, MVP beat Chris Masters and was then attacked by Jack Thwagger Swagger.

MVP def. Jack Swagger by disqualification

Neither guy gets an entrance. That’s how important this match is in the grand scheme of things. Swagger hauls off on MVP in the corner, earning the disqualification.

After the match, MVP attacks Swagger, who retreats. Seriously, DX’s entrance was longer than the entire segment for that match.

Freddie Prinze Jr. tells the trainer that he’s coming out to the ring. The trainer doesn’t think that’s a good idea, and neither does Jerry Lawler, but he’s coming to the ring anyway.

Chavo Guerrero is here. He’s in a falls count anywhere match this week. Guess who his opponent is. Go on, guess. That’s right, kiddies, it’s Hornswoggle, again.

Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero

Hornswoggle escapes unter the ring, and Chavo goes after him. Then we get a shot of the empty ring for a minute before Chavo emerges with a toilet seat. Hornswoggle laughs at him from the other side of the ring and Chavo gives chase. Chavo asks Primo where Hornswoggle went. Primo points him in a direction down the hall. Chavo asks if Primo is lying. Primo says that Chavo’s gonna lose him. Chavo goes after him, and asks a couple other guys. They poit him in the same direction. Chavo walks down the hall, which is adorned with St. Louis Blues logos, prompting a “Let’s Go Blues” chant from the fans. Chavo opens a door and gets knocked out by a paint can, a la Home Alone, allowing Hornswoggle to cover him for yet another victory.

Chavo gets up and sees Mark Henry, accusing him of setting up the paint can, but Henry says it wasn’t me. Henry walks away, and Macaulay Culkin appears and tells him it’s not funny.

The King and Michael Cole run down the SummerSlam card.

The Unified WWE Tag Team Champions are walking backstage and are ready for their match tonight against John Cena and Randy Orton.

This week’s guest host for the BWF RAW results is the Empress of Impact, Drowgoddess. Take it away, Drow!

We return from a commercial break.

A video package on boxer Floyd “Money” Mayweather, his high-rolling lifestyle, and his entertainment skills airs. Mayweather will host RAW next week.

A WWE.com poll. “Can Randy Orton and John Cena defeat the Unified Tag Team Champions of Chris Jericho and the Big Show?” 76% say “Yes,” 24% say “No.” Ouch! SO much for the tag team champs.

Big Show and Jericho enter first. The champions entering last seems to be a thing for the history books now. Orton is next, and Cena last. Different music plays, and Freddie Prinze, Junior comes out. He tells Orton that he’s stealing a page out of Orton’s own book. This match just became a lumberjack match! Prinze has hand-picked all the lumberjacks, and they don’t like Orton very much. Out come the lumberjacks. Primo, Mark Henry, Evan Bourne, Kofi Kingston, MVP, and Jamie Noble. They surround the ring. We go to commercial break.

When we return from commercial break, the match has already begun. Big Show has Cena in a rear bear hug around the waist. Cena tries to elbow his way out, but Big Show knocks Cena down. Cena crawls to his corner and attempts to tag in Orton. Orton turns his back and steps away. Big Show gets Cena in the corner, but Cena dropkicks Big Show’s knees. Cena rushes to his side of the ring and flips Orton into the ring over the top rope. Big Show spears Orton, who rolls out to the floor. The lumberjacks start to beat down Orton, and Mark Henry picks him up in a gorilla press and throws him back into the ring.

Big Show drops a leg across Orton’s chest, but Orton kicks out at two. Jericho tags in and attacks Orton with a barrage of punches from a mounted position. Jericho catches Orton in a sleeper hold, driving him down to one knee. Orton counters and crawls toward his corner, but Jericho pulls Orton back and tags in Big Show. Big Show hits another leg drop on Orton, but Orton again kicks out at two. Big Show clamps down on Orton’s shoulders and head before hurling him over in a suplex. Jericho tags in. Orton hits a surprise scoop slam on Jericho. Jericho locks in another sleeper hold on Orton, but Orton fights out with elbows. Jericho misses a Lionsault, and Orton crawls again toward his corner. Cena tags in. Cena dominates Jericho. Big Show grabs Cena by the throat from the apron, but Cena knocks Big Show to the floor. Cena hits the Attitude Adjuster on Jericho and gets the pin and three-count.

Post-match, Orton hits the RKO on Cena from behind. Jericho and Big Show jump Cena and beat him down. The lumberjacks run in to help, but all get thrown out of the ring. Cena hits a weak and mis-timed running shoulder block to Big Show’s midsection and knocks him through the ropes to the floor. Cena stands tall in the ring as Orton stands on the ramp with the title belt.

The End.

TSJ Thoughts: You know, as bad as RAW’s been lately, the first half of this show was pretty enjoyable. Then DX came out. It all went downhill from there – save for DX getting beaten down by Legacy and the random appearance of Macaulay Culkin moments after I typed “a la Home Alone” in this review. I haven’t seen the main event, but Cena won, so it couldn’t have been that entertaining. Definitely an improvement over the last few weeks, but RAW’s got a lot of work to do to get back to it’s former status of “can’t miss wrestling show.”

As we start, I’m having issues with my computer. Anyways, Freddie

I hear voices in my head…

The War on Everything

August 5, 2009 11:19 pm 4 Comments

Weclome to the War for another week, were we dwelve into the happenings of the week that was.

For those who watched Monday Night Raw this week, I’m sorry you had to sit through that. For those who didn’t, well it’s a good thing you did.

Jeremy Piven was guest host this week, andwas entertaining at times. Whereas his co-host, Dr. Ken, was not. He was just, awful. The highlight of RAW was Chris Jericho, during the match between Kofi Kingston, and Jericho Tag Team partner, the Big Show. Jericho’s commentary provided the lone highlight for this viewer, in an otherwise dull show. I might just have to start boycotting WWE programming.

However, also on that same broadcast, John Cena defeated the Miz. That may not seem a shock, however, the stipulations for the match, were plentiful. Because the Miz lost, he is banned from the SummerSlam, the Staples Center and Monday Night Raw. That means, the former reality show star does not offically have a show yet, according to these stipulations. Let’s just hope that he isnt in TNA in four months.

Jeff Hardy should not be World Champion.

Does Legacy really mean that much to the company, if they have to do the J.O.B to the returning D-Generation X at SummerSlam?

TNA are having a clearout. No, you can’t buy t-shirts at half price. You can buy, genuine supporters of Jeff Jarrett. That’s right! Dutch Mantel, and Savio Vega have been given the boot, and they can be yours to own for only $49.95. Not even Billy Mays could get you a better deal. Act now, and Dixie Carter may throw in the added bonus of one Vince Russo. Might I also suggest buying TNA stock. That’s if, TNA actually have a stock option.

Did anyone else notice Kaz during the recap of Comic-Con ’09 on iMPACT last week? That would mean that Kaz, Daniels and Suicide, were in the same place at the same time. That means … who the hell is Suicide? (NOTE: Suicide is Nicole Bass)

Who has dodgier facial hair? Carlito, Primo or Kurt Angle?

Time to step outside the realms of the wrestling world for a moment here.

Watch Code Monkeys on G4! and buy the DVD! You will be entertained. I promise.

Has anyone ever had their Tom Selleck BlackJacked?

It seems that Vanessa Hudgens is at it again. You’d have thought that after the first time she posed nude for her phone, that she wouldnt do it again. Well, she did it again. This just shows you what exactly High School Musical brings to the world. Underage Porn.

Short and sweet. Just the way I can be bothered writing it. I shall go back to Guitar Hero.

WWE Raw results 8/3/09

August 4, 2009 12:16 am 5 Comments

For what it’s worth, I’d rather be doing ANYTHING than watching RAW tonight. I’d rather watch a marathon of Sasha Baron Cohen movies. I’d rather watch Grease and Grease 2. I’d rather watch all 200 episodes of iMPACT! Hell, I’d rather play the iMPACT video game. But alas, I sit through the boring crap that is RAW because it’s been my Monday routine for the last 15 1/2 years. Don’t get me wrong, I still love professional wrestling, I’m just so bored with RAW right now, which is why I slept through the show last week (and thank you to Legend Killer for filling in for me.) Anyways, tonight’s show is hosted by Jeremy Piven of Entourage, and we’ve got a handicapped match featuring Triple H burying taking on Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes.

(more…)

Random Randomness (sort of)

August 2, 2009 4:54 pm 3 Comments

As many of the BWF faithful know, the resident Lord and Master of Randomness, JT, has been on a well-deserved holiday as of late.

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RAW 7/27 LIVE and in Real-Time

July 27, 2009 9:15 pm 3 Comments

Welcome everyone to RAW, I am your Legend Killer, subbing in for Joe this week, as he has disappeared off the face of the Earth at the time of this. We begin with RAW’s guest host for the night, 4-Time NBA Champion, Shaquille O’Neal.

Lawler and Shaq are in the ring, and Shaq reveals a Beat the Clock challenge to determine Orton’s opponent for SummerSlam. The participants are Triple H, MVP, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry and John Cena. Shaq chants for D.C. to get ready, and the music of Chris Jericho hits.

Jericho and O’Neal staredown, and Jericho looks like a midget. Jericho makes a Kobe reference, then reminds Shaq that the most powerful duo in sports history isnt Shaq and LeBron. It’s Jericho and … but Shaq cuts him off and calls him Christina. Jericho talks himself up, then demands respect from everyone in the company, including Guest hosts. After another staredown between the two, Y2J introduces his new Tag Team partner, the Big Show.

Shaq and Show look eye to eye and bald head to bald head. Show says that Shaq has a better chance of making 2 Free Throws in a row, than intimidating him. Show calls Shaq slim, Shaq calls Show fat, then challenges the largest athlete in the world to a match. Show calls him a 7ft toothpick, and complains because he doesnt want the entire NBA on his back, when he cripples Shaq. Shaq knew they wouldn’t fight him, but he hired two guys that would. Enter SmackDown!’s Cryme Tyme. Jericho and Show walk away, but Shaq has one more announcement. In the match between Jericho/Show and Cryme Tyme, there will be an outside enforcer, Shaq! Shaq then chants Christina as the Tag champs head up the ramp.

COMMERCIAL: Looks like I’m here for the long haul. RAW better be good.

Did You Know? WWE Raw is a complete waste of TV space.

Match #1: Beat the Clock challenge

Mark Henry vs Carlito

My prediction. Henry in about 2 minutes 30 seconds, and it wins.

Carlito heads straight to the outside,to kill time, and the moment he heads back in. Sexual Chocolate is on the attack. Carlito tries to run again, but Henry goes and gets him. Carlito tries to jump out of the ring, but Henry catches him and throws him back in. Henry tries to go for the pin, as 2 minutes tick by. Carlito tries to escape again, but to no avail. A close pinfall as my predicition is out the window. Carlito firing kicks and punches but none of them phases Henry. Henry trying to get quick pinfalls, then a splash as four minutes tick by, but Carlito rolls out of the splash. Carlito hangs Henry up on the top rope, then springs up and knocks him off his feet for a near fall.

Carlito applies a Sleeper, as 5 minutes tick by. Henry backs Carlito into the corner, then goes for a headbutt, and gets another near fall. Carlito applies another sleeper and Henry is fading, but he quickly regains his composure. Carlito off the second rope, but Henry catches him and looks for the World’s Strongest Slam, but Carlito escapes. Carlito tries a BackStabber, but he can’t connect. Carlito off the ropes, Henry catches him, and this time lands the World’s Strongest Slam and gets the three.

YOUR WINNER: Mark Henry in 6:49.

COMMERCIAL: Up next is a 6-Diva Tag match. Joe, I’m going to kill you for making me watch this.

WWE Rewind: Mickie James defeating Maryse at Night of Champions

Washington Redskins players are at ringside.

Match#2:Six-Diva Tag Team match

Divas Champion Mickie James, Gail Kim and Kelly Kelly vs Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendes and Alicia Fox

Michael Cole has been sent to the back to see if he can get an interview with Shaq, allowing Lawler to masturbate all on his lonesome at ringside.

If there’s no action being called here, it’s because I’m trying to finish off my bag of Doritos. The heels dominating the faces early on. Mickie gets the tag, and Mickie starts to take over the match. Jerry Lawler is no help here, as it seems he’s paying as much attention as I am right now. Gail Kim tags herself in and gets the pin with a Missile Dropkick.

YOUR WINNERS: Mickie James, Gail Kim and Kelly Kelly

Beth Phoenix looks down in somewhat disgust, then a slight smile appears.

In Shaq’s office, Cole tries to interview Shaq … however … enter the Hornswoggle. Hornswoggle tries to score a dunk, but fails miserably. Apparently, Hornswoggle and Shaq went to high school together. Also, it seems Michael Cole has found his new man-crush. Somewhere, Heidenreich is crying.

COMMERCIAL

Match#3: Beat the Clock challenge

MVP vs Chris Masters

6:49 is the time to beat, set by Mark Henry

What the hell? the Masterpiece makes his return to the WWE. What not the way to make your return. So it’s the Masterlock versus the Bright Red Power Ranger. Masters with the advantage in the early going in this one. It’s good to see MVP doesn’t hang around with that ‘thing’ from the View. MVP goes for the Boot, but misses and Masters attempts the Masterlock, but MVP escapes.

Both men brawl to the outside, and I sense a countout here. MVP tries to enter the ring, but Masters stops him and applies the Masterlock, leading to a double countout.

YOUR WINNER: Double Countout

Mark Henry still has the time to beat, as MVP is upset with himself.

Triple H’s opponent for the Beat the Clock challenge? Chicken Legs himself, Cody Rhodes. Also don’t forget the Tag match with Shaq as outside enforcer.

COMMERCIAL

We’re back and THE Brian Kendrick is in the ring, ready for his match with … the United States Champion, Kofi Kingston.

Kendrick is angry at Lawler, the bell rings and Kendrick is still ranting, Kofi nails the Trouble in Paradise, and Kendrick is jobbed out inside of 5 seconds.

Backstage, and Triple H is being beatdown by Ted DiBiase Jr., and some kind of club. How will this affect his chances against Cody Rhodes in the Beat the Clock? Will Triple H still be able to beat Mark Henry’s time? Does anyone actually care? … I didnt think so.

COMMERCIAL

We’re back …

Match#5: Beat the Clock challenge

Triple H vs Cody Rhodes

Mark Henry still has the best time of 6:49.

Lawler just called the Crippler Crossface, the STF. Jerry Lawler doesnt even know the names of the moves now.

I’m just waiting for either Cole or Lawler to say ‘Beat the Cock’ instead of Beat the Clock. RAW is NOT bought to you by Verizon Wireless, as Cole just told me. RAW is bought to you by the ‘Legend Killer’ Chris Cooley, because ThinkSoJoe has decided to no longer care about his beloved readers of this site. Either that, or he is sensible and decided not to watch RAW.

Helmsley favouring the leg that was attacked by DiBiase, and Cody focuses all his attack toward that leg. Triple H trying to avoid Cody, but Rhodes will have none of it, and continues after the leg of the Game. Rhodes applying various submission moves, but Triple H fights out of every one of them. Cody to the second rope, and drops Helmsley to the mat, as 2 minutes remain on the clock. Rhodes tries again, but HHH counters and goes for the Pedigree, but Rhodes gets a chop block.

Rhodes takes a page out of Daddy Dusty’s book, and applies the Figure Four, but Helmsley quickly rolls the move over. Under a minute remains, and Triple H connects with the Spinebuster. Ted DiBiase comes up to the apron, daring Trips to hit in. Instead, he sends Cody Rhodes into DiBiase, sending the Million Dollar baby to the mat. Trips hits the Pedigree, but it’s all too late as he fails to beat the clock.

TRIPLE H DOES NOT BEAT THE CLOCK

Mark Henry’s time of 6:49 is still the top time.

In Shaq’s office, Shaq and Santino are playing Scrabble. Santino is complaing about the words Shaq is using, as Cryme Tyme enters. Cryme Tyme an Shaq chant ‘Money, Money, Yeah, Yeah’, as Santino begins rapping. Santino rapping is pure gold! Once the rap is done, Shaq is left alone with his scrabble game and says “Vince McMahon couldn’t even beat me at this game”. A commercial follows.

COMMERCIAL

Match#6

Hornswoggle vs Chavo Guerrero

Why is he wrestling? Hornswoggle that is.

This is a complete waste of Chavo’s skill and ability in the wrestling ring. Oh look, a stipulation, Chavo must wrestle blindfolded.

Hornswoggle crawls under the ref’s legs, and Guerrero takes down the referee. This match can only be described as un-needed filler. Chavo wants to go off the top rope, but Hornswoggle has long since moved. Chavo crashes and burns with the Frog Splash, Hornswoggle heads to the top rope, hits the Tadpole Splash, and gets the victory.

YOUR WINNER: Hornswoggle

Randy Orton backstage, and he is confronted by Jack Swagger. Swagger says he’ll beat the clock. Orton isnt scared. Swagger leaves, Henry enters, and stands next to Orton, smiling. Either it’s because Henry currently holds the fastest time in the Beat the Clock, or that Henry just urinated down Orton’s leg.

COMMERCIAL

DID YOU KNOW?: TNA iMPACT airs Thursday Nights on Spike in the U.S., and Saturday Nights on FOX8 in Australia

Match#7: Beat the Clock challenge

Jack Swagger vs Evan Bourne

Two former ‘ECW’ superstars face off. Evan Bourne has new music. It’s Matt Sydal vs Dusty Rhodes 2.0

Swagger using his power advantage and gets the upper hand on Bourne. Swagger with an Inverted Northern Lights suplex, and gets a near fall. Swagger goes for snake-eyes, but Bourne counters. He heads up top, but Swagger throws him off the top, then quickly nails a splash and gets two near falls in succession. Swagger goes for a Powerbomb, but Bourne counters into a roll-up, and gets the three.

YOUR WINNER: Evan Bourne

JACK SWAGGER DOES NOT BEAT THE CLOCK

Mark Henry’s time of 6:49 is still the best time, although, in my opinion, Evan Bourne should now have the best time.

John Cena’s opponent has been announced … the Miz!

COMMERCIAL

Jeremy Piven is announced as next week’s RAW guest host! He has a movie coming out, the Goods.

A replay of Triple H’s Beat the Clock match comes on, then Josh Mathews interviews the Game. Trips decides that if he takes out Rhodes and DiBiase, then Orton is nothing. Thus, he challenges them to a 2-on-1 Handicap match next week.

Match#8: Beat the Clock challenge

John Cena vs the Miz

Miz comes out on the mic, and gets a shot in on the sports teams. The Redskins and Wizards to be exact. He talks about how all he’s gotta do is dominate early, and then run the clock down. Will we find out? Nope, commercials come first. You know that.

COMMERCIAL: The toaster is real, Brian!!

We’re back, and Randy Orton joins Lawler and Cole at ringside. Enter the Cena.

The match is underway, and Miz is stalling as much as he possibly can, until he has to get back into the ring. Cena gains the advantage, but Miz gets it back. Four minutes remain, Miz with a Sleeper, but Cena escapes, only for Miz to regain the advantage, and toss Cena to the outside. Miz sends cena into the ring steps, and Cena crawls back into the ring at 9. Miz hangs Cena up between the top two ropes, and teases Cena. The ref helps Cena out of the ropes, and locks in the STF on Miz. The normal formalities ensue.

YOUR WINNER: John Cena

John Cena advances to Summerslam to face Randy Orton for the WWE Championship. Before you say anything, yes I know, groan when ready.

COMMERCIAL

The offical song for Summerslam is “You Gotta Move” by Aerosmith. Nice to see the WWE get a nice, modern band for their music.

MAIN EVENT or Match#9 if you like it that way

Chris Jericho and the Big Show, the Unified Tag Champs, vs Cryme Tyme (JTG and Shad) with Shaquille O’Neal as Special Enforcer.

For those watching, did you notice that loud reaction Cryme Tyme received? Me neither.

Jericho and JTG start off, and JTG gains the upper hand early on in this one. Jericho gets a cheap shot in on JTG, and the blue does not suit the Big Show. Show looks like he borrowed from the wardrobe of Mr. Perfect, as he beats down JTG. Show tags in Jericho, and Y2J continues the assault. Tag champs dominating until JTG knocks down both men. Shaq helps JTG get the tag, and Shad comes in with all the momentum. The special enforcer helps out Cryme Tyme as the start to beat over Jericho. This leads to the Big Show, and what appears to be a DQ as Show just cleans house, chokeslamming both of Cryme Tyme at once.

This brings Shaq in the ring, and the two big men staredown. They grab each other by the throat, and Cryme Tyme helps Shaqs get the upper hand. Shaq then sends Show out of the ring with a Shoulder Block. Shaq and Cryme Tyme stand tall in the ring, as RAW winds down.

Overall, Michael Cole has found his new man-crush which is very, very disturbing. This was Monday Night RAW, stay tuned next week, where Jeremy Piven is guest host. This has been your Legend Killer, reminding you, to pick up Season one of Code Monkeys on DVD.

WWE RAW results 7/20/09

July 20, 2009 11:55 pm Leave a Comment

Alright, this should be fun! I’m reviewing the show on a brand new laptop, and I woke up 5 minutes before the damned show started, starving but not wanting to let you guys down, since I missed my last two assignments here on BWF. Well, we’re getting back to normal this week, sort of. I’m back to do all my reviews, Legend Killer will be around on Wednesday with a new article (and he’s also working on something new for VinceRussoWatchesHisBeardGrow.com), and we’ll have Random Randomness on… Friday?!? JT is going on vacation at the end of the week, so he’s going to drop in with his column a couple days early. Anyways, I digress, put on your cheap sunglasses, it’s time for RAW with guest hosts ZZ Top!

(more…)

WWE RAW results 7/13/09

July 14, 2009 12:18 am 1 Comment

Triple H kicks off RAW tonight, and gets a huge ovation from the Orlando crowd. He reminds us that Donald Trump bought RAW, and Vince McMahon bought it back for double the price a week later. Meanwhile, something exciting happened – the celebrity guest host. The Game is here to announce tonight’s host. He was in Buffy and Austin Power, he’s also on Family Guy and is a co-creator of Robot Chicken. His name is Seth Green – and his theme song is Welcome To The Jungle. He’s thrilled to be here hosting RAW. he can do whatever he wants, pick the matches and whatnot. So the first thing he’s going to do is make a six diva swimsuit summer spectactular. It’s in the spirit of athletic competition, of course. Triple H sees it his way. It’s the kind of outside the box thinking that makes The Game a fan of Robot Chicken. They put celebrities in the most bizarre situations. The premiere episode has, potentially, the biggest star on the planet (according to Triple H), Triple H.

Clip of Triple H on Robot Chicken, getting his ass kicked by Dakota Fanning, until John Cena turns on her.

Triple H says that didn’t really happen. Triple H has experience fighting whiny little girls since his first match with Randy Orton. Triple H says that may be true, but he never said that. Randy Orton and Dakota Fanning have one thing in common – no male genatalia.

I hear voices in my head…

Orton says he’s got something Triple H don’t – the WWE Championship. He says that if Seth Green wants to take shots at Orton, he should know that Orton has somewhat of an anger management issue. He won’t hesitate to punt somebody in the head or RKO them no matter how big or pathetically small they might be. Triple H suggests himself vs. Orton for the main event. Orton says Green doesn’t wanna do that, since Cena and Triple H are already losing to him at Night of Champions. Triple H says he’ll just drop him right now. Orton has nothing to say to Triple H until Night of Champions, and he’s got nothing to say to Seth Green either. He then asks Green why he’s here. Maybe it’s so somebody might mistake him from being a real man. Green tells Orton he might be interested in tonight’s main event. It’s going to be Randy Orton and Legacy taking on Triple H and John Cena. Oh yeah, and their partner Seth Green.

Kelly Kelly is wasting valuable television time wandering aimlessly in the general direction of the ring in a bikini.

The following is a chance for me to go grab some dinner Six Diva Summer Swimsuit Spectacular or something stupid like that. Screw this, I’m going to get some dinner.

Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendez, & Maryse def. Mickie James, Gail Kim, & Kelly Kelly

It’s your weekly multi-diva clusterf*(#, now with bikinis. BORING. I seriously went to get some dinner and came back in time to see Maryse pin Mickie James.

Seth Green runs into Chris Jericho backstage. Chris Jericho says he’s the guy who made a career of mocking Star Wars after claiming to be a big fan, and is now doing the same thing to the WWE. He needs to cater to Chris Jericho. Robot Chicken is apparently going on a roller skating tour with the band Gym Class Heroes for free. Green tells Jericho that if he’s going to bring negativity to the show, he might as well just leave. Jericho says he’s got something to say, and he’s going to say it whether Green likes it or not.

WWE Slam of the Week – Carlito beat the crap out of his brother after they failed to beat Jericho and Edge for the Unified Tag Team Championships last week.

Primo is in the ring with a microphone and speaking Spanish. He calls out Carlito. He doesn’t get him though. What he gets is the best part of RAW, The Miz! Miz asks where Carlito is. He’s probably doing something more important, like getting a cup of coffee. So since Maryse is probably watching, The Miz is going to leave Primo laying in the middle of the ring like the rejected brother he is, because he’s The Miz, and he’s… AWESOME!

The Miz vs. Primo

Primo and The Miz put on a pretty good match, until Carlito interrupts and allows The Miz to hit a reverse Russian leg sweep for the victory.

After the match, Carlito spits in the face of his brother, who apparently don’t want to be cool.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler talk about Edge’s injury and what could happen with the Unified Tag Team Championships.

Still to come, Legacy take on Triple H, John Cena, and Seth Green.

WWE Rewind: Hornswoggle defeated Chavo Guerrero on Superstars last Thursday.

Hornswoggle is hanging out with somebody his own size backstage. Seth Green tells him tonight it’s going to be Chavo vs. Hornswoggle, and Chavo will have one arm tied behind his back. The Big Show shows up, and Green asks him for advice. Show says to watch his match with Evan Bourne and see how guys his size fare in the WWE. He then says he’ll give some advice to Green, but it’ll cost him… One Million Dollars muwahahahahahahaha.

MVP makes his way to the ring for action. His opponent is the guy who just a week ago said he wouldn’t fight him, Jack Swagger.

MVP vs. Jack Swagger

A very entertaining match that sees Swagger drop MVP with the gutwrench powerbomb (or, as our good friend Green Teabagger calls it, The All-American American’s All-American American Americanator!) for the victory. I’d write more about it, but I’m still eating my meal from that stupid Diva thing earlier in the night.

Chris Jericho is carrying a folder and walking toward the ring.

We know some of you may be eating, but here, enjoy these graphic pictures of Edge’s surgery on his Achille’s Tendon.

And now, please welcome his tag team partner, Chris Jericho!

Jericho says that for the first time in WWE history, the Unified Tag Team Champions are held by one man, and it’s appropriate that that man is the best in the world today, Chris Jericho. He finds it ironic that both Edge and Achilles were great warriors for their time and were taken down by injuries to their Achilles heel. Jericho lists Edge’s injuries and claims he was taking a chance by taking Edge on as a partner. It’s not fair to Jericho that he should have to suffer for Edge’s faults. He’s not giving up his titles. He’s got a contract with him that says that if Edge is injured, Jericho could chose a new tag team partner and remain tag team champion. Before Night of Champions, he’ll pick a devious, cunning partner who is worthy of being in the ring with Jericho, and he’ll also be a truthful, honest man.

Somebody gonna get they ass kicked…

Mark Henry makes his way to the ring, smiling. He enters, and Jericho smiles back. He says Henry is impressive, and just the type of partner Jericho had in mind. Henry puts his arm around Jericho and tells him that they could do unbelievable things. He asks Orlando if they think they’d be a good team. Henry says that he’s not out here to be his partner. Jericho’s look of confidence turns to a look of fear, and Henry tells him he’s out here to be his opponent.

Mark Henry def. Chris Jericho via count-out

Henry tears the suit off of Chris Jericho and tosses him around like a rag doll. Jericho takes some time outside the ring to regroup – and to take off his tie. He stalls as the fans chant “you suck.” He finally gets in the ring and the match officially starts. Henry tosses Jericho around as the announcers theorize that this is punishment for Jericho’s attitude with guest host Seth Green earlier. Jericho gets knocked down, and hightails it out of there, getting counted out in the process, much like Cody Rhodes last week.

Hornswoggle is here and ready for his match with Chavo Guerrero, who will have one hand tied behind his back.

Hornswoggle def. Chavo Guerrero

Ugh. Hornswoggle used a stinkface. Chavo goes for a one armed suplex, but Hornswoggle rolled him up for the pin instead.

Randy Orton is proud of Ted DiBiase for slapping his dad last week. DiBiase says he never wants to be like his old man. He’ll be better. Cody Rhodes says that his father might be the guest host last week, and unlike some people he has a great relationship with is dad. Orton instructs his Legacy mates to not touch Seth Green in this match, because Orton wants him for himself.

Kofi Kingston is on his way to the ring to do commentary for the following matchup. Evan Bourne is out first for this matchup, and his opponent is The Big Show.

Evan Bourne vs. The Big Show

Show dominates, with a little of Evan Bourne offense. Show hits a huge spear and locks in the Camel Clutch for the victory.

Show refuses to break the hold, but Kofi Kingston runs into the ring to make the safe. Kofi will face Big Show this Thursday on Superstars.

The Robot Chicken Star Wars Episode II DVD comes out next week. They show a clip, which I seriously wish was a clip from the first Star Wars episode with Hulk Hogan voicing Abe Lincoln against Jedi George Bush.

We get a rundown of the Night of Champions card.

Backstage, Santino is playing with action figures, making his own figure knock out the Iron Shiek and kiss Trish Stratus. He asks Seth Green for a job on his show, “Electric Poultry.” Cena and Triple H join them and Santino leaves. Cena tells Green that if he abandons them he’ll beat him up. Triple H tells him it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, yadda yadda yadda. Cena and Triple H argue over who’s going to watch out for Green, and Cena says it doesn’t matter who protects him, he’s gonna get killed anyway. Triple H agrees.

Michael Cole reveals next week’s guest hosts for Monday Night RAW. That’s right, I said hosts, plural. They are…. ZZ TOP!

(Thanks to Mr. Random Randomness, JT for covering the rest of the show)

Legacy Comes out first, we get reminded that Orton wants Seth Green to himself (like that’s really gonna happen). Seth Green comes out to “Welcome To The Jungle.” I wonder if Axl knows WWE is using his song. HHH out next. He spits water, it’s supposed to be cool or something. He’s also like a foot taller than Seth. Oh yeah he’s also on the cover of some muscle magazine. Cena out last to mostly cheers, he now has John Deere looking gear. Michael Cole says “this is what it’s all about.” Sorry Cole it really isn’t. We then go to a…

Commercial Break- The Taco Bell Bacon Potato Burrito is pretty good, you should try it. The G.I. Joe movie looks awesome, too bad I’ll be out of town when it comes out. 🙁

Legacy def. John Cena, Triple H, and Seth Green via disqualification

We come back and the match has already started with HHH dominating (shocker).
1st pin attempt- 2 count
Tag to Cena
Continues to dominate
2nd pin attempt- 2 count
Tag to Green- punches Rhodes in the face knocking him down
Outside the ring HHH knocks Rhodes down
Tag to Cena- Back Body drop
Orton takes Cena out while the ref’s back is turned.
Orton now dominating
Orton 1st pin attempt- 2 count
Orton stomps on Cena
Dibiase & Rhodes double team Cena while Ref’s back is turned
Rhodes gets a full nelson on Cena- Cena fights out of it, but is knocked down
Double tag
HHH dominates Orton, then he goes after Rhodes & DiBiase
Match gets out of control
Orton RKO’s HHH
Goes for a pin, Seth Green breaks it up
Orton then attacks Green
Orton goes for The Randy Orton Super Magic Mega Kick of Final Ultimate Death!!! (TM Green Teabagger) but is stopped by Cena
Cena goes after Orton, but is stopped but legacy who attack him until HHH makes the save with a sledgehammer, getting their team DQed
HHH bumps into Cena with the sledgehammer, but it has no effect.
HHH and Cena come face to face but Seth Green comes between them and they raise each others hands.

We fade to black with Legacy at the top of the ramp and Cena and HHH with Seth Green on hos shoulders standing tall in the ring.

My Thoughts: Seth Green should not be wrestling. Guest hosting is one thing, but getting involved in a professional wrestling match is another. The wrestlers are trained professionals, and as Edge’s latest injury has proven, even they get severely hurt doing what they do for a living. Seth Green is not a wrestler. Seth Green is an actor – one who’s work I actually enjoy. He’s got no business getting into the ring in a wrestling capacity. Look, I’m all for this guest host thing. I like it, it gives RAW an air of mainstream acceptance, and sure, Seth Green actually wrestling on Monday Night RAW will probably get some TMZ or Entertainment Tonight coverage, but is it really worth risking the poor guy’s health and career to have him step in and participate in something he’s not extensively trained to do?

Why aren’t Legacy complaining about not knowing who they have to face at Night of Champions? That fits their characters, even if their opponents are also heels. Hell, I don’t think Rhodes and DiBiase were even mentioned in Chris Jericho’s promo about the Unified Tag Team Championship match at Night of Champions, and they’re the challengers.

This show just wasn’t very good. I just hope that ZZ Top don’t jump in and challenge DiBiase and Rhodes to a Night of Champions warm up match next week.

Tag Archive: Guest Host

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