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She Started it!!!

February 18, 2011 6:25 pm 4 Comments

Much has been written about the misogyny inherent in professional wrestling, the violence against women, and the general exploitation of females in the wrestling business. Almost all of these writings, however, have been penned by men. As a female wrestling fan, this subject has taken up quite a bit of brain space recently, and the fact that I couldn’t remember reading a woman’s thoughts on the matter compelled the putting of fingers to keyboard. (more…)

Power Poll for the Week Ending: 2/16/11

February 16, 2011 7:36 pm 2 Comments

What’s up wrestling fans? It’s that time of the week for another power poll update. There was much movement amongst the ten rankings this time around, as four grapplers fell out of contention. You might be surprised to see one particular entry, perhaps…
(more…)

RAW 2.14.11

February 14, 2011 11:38 pm 5 Comments

Happy Valentine’s Day!! Here at BoredWrestlingFan, we love you all! In a non-creepy kind of way. Like family, really… I love you like brothers and sisters and dysfunctional cousins, and that one uncle who always comes in around Christmas time dressed up like Santa, just to get you to sit on his lap, but always gets punched out by your dad. Yeah. I love you all like that.

Anyway, now that I’ve creeped myself out, who will be the guest host for Wrestlemania? And who is going to be showing themself next week on RAW?! AND WHEN WILL RANDY ORTON WEAR PANTS?! All these questions (or, y’know, just one of them), and more will be answered on tonight’s edition of Monday Night RAW!

Earlier tonight, the RAW GM announced three singles matches: Randy Orton v King Sheamus, John Morrison vs R-Truth, and John Cena vs CM Punk once more, but tonight, there will be a winner and the New Nexus is banned from ringside!!

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRR LOVE YOU TOO!!!

John Cena vs CM Punk – There Must Be A Winner and New Nexus is Banned from Ringside

Before the match, Cena thanks King for the assist, and comments on the crowd. He says he sees some guys smiling, sweating, and that could only mean that it’s Valentine’s Day. He says it’s good to see all the couples, and nothing really says “I love ya honey” like a pair of tickets to WWE. Love is in the air, but so is Wrestlemania! Tonight’s gonna be big, because tonight we find out who will host Wrestlemania! As we can see, everyone’s talking about it, and there are tons of theories. Lady Gaga (after showing up at the Grammys in an egg), Sammy (after leaving Jersey Shore), but Cena thinks that his theory is the most solid: Michael Cole hosts Wrestlemania. He says that he’s equally upset, but Mr. McMahon said last night (Last week), all this special stuff. Cole gets a special feeling every time the GM sends him an email, Cole has a special attraction to Miz and A-Ry, and something that’s never been seen before? They’ve never seen any absolute proof that Michael Cole is actually a man. Cena says that there’s no need for Cole to stand up and embarrass himself, because he’d look like a host. Tonight, we find out who hosts Wrestlemania, Sunday we find out who goes to Wrestlemania for the WWE Championship. Cena says that after his year, he needs this Wrestlemania moment. At one point, he was a slave, working for a group of radicals, and then he was fired. And then he was living off of powdered milk and Crayola crayons, and then he came back and still had to deal with the group of radicals called the Nexus. The great thing about the Elimination Chamber is that only one man from that group can step inside, and that’s CM Punk-

CM Punk’s music interrupts and Punk comes out with a mic. He says that he does not need to listen to this anymore, just as he does not need the members of the New Nexus to defeat Cena. Cena’s a sports fan, it’s in the history book, the last two times that Punk and Cena met, let the record state: CM Punk: 2, John Cena: 0. He doesn’t need to listen to Cena run down Cole, or the people in Anaheim, because he is a good person. Trust Punk, Cena, even here, good things happen to good people.

The match starts with Punk closing the distance, and the two lock up, only for Cena to push Punk in the corner. Punk seems to have an injured leg, but runs to Cena to miss a clothesline, and throws Punk across the ring, and Punk moves as Cena runs to him, sending Cena shoulder-first into the steel post. Punk gets on the apron, and jumps onto Cena on the outside.

@Niki_Sushi I think I just heard Cole jizz himself when Punk complimented him. I think it’s a love square here now. #BWF #RAW

@KeepItFiveStar Uh-oh, Punk. Last time someone tried a win-loss countdown with John Cena, they got destroyed. Poor 2009 Miz.

@CMPunkSays So is Michael Cole asexual or a hermaphrodite? #VagueSexualSlurs #WWE

@legendkiller515 cole is a good Samaritan? since when? #bwf

@SadieandCompany Love the Grey’s Sports Almanac reference from @CMPunk! #WWE #BWF

We come back to Punk dominating Cena, and he goes for a cover, but Cena kicks out a two. Punk pulls Cena back up and suplexes him into another cover, but Cena won’t be put away. He latches onto Cena’s shoulder, and Cena gets him off with an arm drag before running right into Punk’s foot, and Punk goes for yet another cover. Punk then wraps his feet around Cena’s waist and applies some pressure. Cena works on getting Punk’s legs out from around him, and tries to lock in the STF, but Punk gets to the rope and elbows Cena off of him. Punk steps on Cena’s head and back, and the ref gets him off. Punk stands Cena up, and delivers a hit to the forehead. Punk continues with some hits to Cena’s head before wrapping it up with a kick to the chest. Punk relishes in the boos for a minute before meeting a punch to the gut by Cena. Cena Whips Punk, who counters, and then Cena hits some shoulder takedowns, and a sidewalk slam. He hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle and goes for the Attitude adjustment, but Punk pushes him off and kicks him right in the face. Punk goes for the cover, but Cena kicks out at two. Punk goes back to the submission, putting Cena’s head in between his legs, but Cena gets him up, and Punk fights his way to safety. Cena reverses and hits a Gutwrench, but Punk gets out of the cover. Cena climbs up on the top rope, but Punk jumps up and kicks him in the head, sending Cena back to the ring. Punk runs across the ring and gives the high knee to Cena before missing the Bulldog, and Cena tries to hit the STF only to get met with a swinging neckbreaker, but Cena kicks out of the cover at two. Punk gets Cena up, but Cena counters and goes for the cover, but Punk kicks out at two. Punk delivers some hard and high kicks and goes for the cover, but Cena kicks out at two again. Punk climbs out of the ring and goes to the top rope, hitting a cross body, but Cena catches him and puts him up for the Attitude Adjustment, and Punk gets the top rope. Cena sends him out of the ring, and Punk gets a chair from someone in Nexus, followed by a wrench. As the ref gets the chair out of the ring, Punk hits Cena with the wrench and hits the Go to Sleep for the win.

CM Punk wins via pinfall.

And there’s the end of RAW! … Oh, wait. It’s still the beginning of RAW…

Josh Matthews is taking the place of Jerry “The King” Lawler because King is taking time off after the death of his mother. Our prayers are with him and his family. But don’t worry, he’ll be at Elimination Chamber.

Still to come, the Wrestlemania guest host!

@KeepItFiveStar Mae Young and Mark Henry’s hand is all grown up and it’s joined the Nexus!

@Niki_Sushi Huh. I haven’t heard any rumors about it being Johnny Depp or Ryan Seacrest. If only. #BWF #RAW

@HitTheRopes Michael Cole lies, NOBODY says it will be Vince McMahon

@N_er_d Diljeet Guest Host Revelation today. Please be someone sensible. #WWE #RAW #BWF

@legendkiller515 cole just sounds like a hater. he got that #hateration going on #bwf

Justin Roberts tells us to welcome Ricardo Rodriguez. He says Ladies and gentlemen, something something something something something, something about a suit, something something, Excellent, Mexico, Alberto del Rio. Thank you Spanish Class! … I hope my Spanish teacher doesn’t watch wrestling, or I’m in trouble. And, now there’s a random plug about the Smackdown! Elimination Chamber match! … Cool. Cause RAW is Smackdown now. I guess.

Alberto del Rio says that his name is Alberto del Rio, but we already knew that. This Sunday, it makes no difference to him who wins the Smackdown Elimination Chamber, because just like it was his destiny to win the Royal Rumble, it is his destiny at Wrestlemania to be the World Heavyweight Champion.

You think you know me…

Edge comes down with his World Heavyweight Championship, and I don’t know how he kept it because I didn’t watch. Edge asks Alberto what’s up, and says that the past two weeks he’s been so busy beating Dolph Ziggler on Smackdown that he almost forgot that del Rio attacked him with a guitar. So, he talks about his destiny, and Edge says he has a destiny too. Wanna know what it is? And then Edge takes del Rio off his feet and pummels him. Edge backs into the corner, and starts to go for the Spear, but Ricardo does what he’s paid for and distracts Edge. Del Rio starts to do something to Edge, but Edge Spears him.

Vickie says this Sunday there will be a World Heavyweight Championship match, but first, she’s there to introduce the new – and then has to excuse herself again – World Heavyweight Champion, her amazing boyfriend, Dolph Ziggler! Okay, last Friday, Vickie tries to Spear Edge, but hurts herself, and Edge takes advantage to Spear Dolph. Edge calls for another ref, and Packers linebacker, Clay Matthews went out and counted for the match.

Vickie says that she has told him over and over and over again that if he uses the Spear, he would face the consequences. This Friday night on Smackdown, they will have the official coronation of Dolph Ziggler as the World Heavyweight Champion. So, Edge, you lost the world title on Friday, and he is about to lose something else: his job. Vickie has proof that Edge is the one who assaulted Teddy Long, and then she cackles. Because this really is Smackdown now. I have a headache now.

Coming up next, Natalya’s getting her rematch for the Diva’s Championship in a Lumberjill match.

@TKeep123 Vickie reveals she has “PROOF” that Edge attacked Teddy Long…..then she cackles like a hen laying a square egg. #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw

@KeepItFiveStar Wow. Sting really grew his hair out long. And grew a goatee. Man, The Undertaker look is coming back in style. …STINNNNNG!!!

@HitTheRopes SO, how does @HeelZiggler feel about Del Rio doing his whole introduction shtick but with a Spanish flair? Remember Dolph’s, Hi my name is..

@Niki_Sushi You attacked me with a guitar. MEET MY BANJO! #BWF #RAW

@FrankWWEClown Vickie Guerrero’s laugh makes puppies run for their lives, makes babies cry, and made me vomit. Talk about a triple whammy. #WWE #RAW

@ccastagnoli Best evil laugh since Ted DiBiase; @excusemewwe

@SadieandCompany Hmmm…. 21-2 = 19 , 1-1 = 0 … WM 27 19-0 #WWE #Bwf

@ThingsColeSays You know what, could 2.21.11 be the return of Triple H?

Tonight, we have another match I don’t want to watch, as the United States Champion Daniel Bryan will go against the WWE Champion, The Miz!

Natalya vs WWE Diva’s Champion Eve Torres for the Diva’s Championship in a LumberJill Match

I hate Lumberjack/jill matches too.

DON’T SHAKE HANDS! Anyway, Natalya gets Eve down on the match, but Eve gets her out of it, and then they do the same thing. The two then try to go for the same move, and respect one another. Natalya with two covers in a row, but Eve kicks out at two. Eve gets Natalya on her back, but not shoulders down, and Natalya fights to her feet. Natalya drags Eve into the ring, and gets her in that surfboard submission, but Eve gets her hands free and flips free, pinning Natalya, who kicks out at two. Natalya gets Eve in a headlock, but Eve fights out and the two of them exchange move, but Eve hits a handspring moonsault and Natalya kicks out of the cover. Natalya hits the spinning clothesline thing and Eve throws Natalya out of the ring. The bellas attack her, and Maryse Alicia and Melina join, but Gail Kim and Tamina try to help her, and do so. Eve then takes out the heel divas, minus Melina, and it looks like Maryse was hurt more. Eve gets back in the ring, and both Divas are down in the center of the ring. Maryse leaves ringside, by the way. Natalya goes in a roll through, but Natalya’s shoulders are down, and Eve retains.

WWE Diva’s Champion Eve Torres wins via pinfall.

Natalya stands up and the two shake hands again, which just infuriates me.

@5CornersxSmootx #RAW Alicia Fox looks like a 6ft prostitute with that red hair.

@KeepItFiveStar Oh God! Maryse! Is she okay?! Somebody check on my fallen angel!

@kickoutblog Eve looks like Wonder Woman and Iron Man had a baby.

@legendkiller515 cole sounds like he never got some valentines love as a kid…he needs help! #bwf

@TKeep123 “Lumber-Jack” matches are usually to end some long terrible feud… This is for Eve and Natalya? What’s the point? #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw

Eve Torres and the Bellas are arguing backstage. One of the Bellas tries to choke Eve, and Gail comes up to help Eve, and then its Eve, Gail and Natalya against the Bellas in some crappy brawl or another. Well, I could be reviewing two people I don’t like shoving their tongues down their throats.

Cole has a lame ass segue turning back over to The Chaperone as we get a ‘sneak peek’, or, y’know… the trailer again.

Mark Henry-

Mark Henry starts to come out to the ring, but Sheamus comes out and attacks him from behind, delivering a Brogue Kick to him, and then demands the mic, fella!

Sheamus says that to every fella in the Elimination Chamber, that’s a reminder of what he’s capable of. And if they want an even bigger reminder, they can watch what he does to Randy Orton tonight. A ref gets Henry onto his knees and Sheamus Brogue Kicks him again.

WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley make their way to the ring. Oh, and wouldn’t you know it? Michael Tarver’s doin The Creep!

@KeepItFiveStar What the hell, Natalya and Gail? Eve started the fight! She ran off at the mouth at The Bellas. Called them fat. Heard a racial slur or two.

@TKeep123 Diva Pile…Diva Pile! I so want to be the back-stage Ref! #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw

@HitTheRopes The backstage brawl was slightly better than the actual title match. #WWE

@Niki_Sushi Well. Looks like a Bella is getting fired. Didn’t you learn from leering at Daniel that choking is BAD? #BWF #RAW

@CMPunkSays I figured it out. Michael Tarver has been dead the whole time, BUT HE DOESN’T KNOW IT. #WWE #AsDirectedByMNightShyamalan

@KeepItFiveStar LOL Michael Tarver should come out The Creep by The Lonely Island featuring Nicki Minaj

@Niki_Sushi And he’s out! See ya later, Mark! Nice seeing you. #BWF #RAW #SameTimeNextWeek

@ThingsColeSays HAHAHAHAHAHA, MIZ JUST SHOVED DOWN CENA’S BEST BACKSTAGE FRIEND.

@kickoutblog Okay, Miz shoving that guy was hilarious.

@AkatsukiArtist @kickoutblog HE JUST SHOVED STAN

@kickoutblog Good thing Alex Riley keeps Miz’s soul in that briefcase, otherwise Michael Tarver would’ve enjoyed a late dinner

@JonHexLives The Miz shoving random backstage guy was easily the best thing he’s done since stealing Angry Miz Girl’s Slammy. #WWE #RAW #BWF

AWESOME!

WWE Champion The Miz with Alex Riley vs United States Champion Daniel Bryan

It looks like Alex Riley is on commentary again, which really kind of sucks. Though, I did laugh at Cole and Riley shaking hands, and then Cole backhanding Matthews. I did laugh.

Miz and Bryan circle one another, and lock up, Miz getting Bryan in a headlock. Miz then knocks Bryan down. The two lock up again, and Bryan gets a few arm drags on Miz. Miz elbows Bryan, and then avoids Bryan’s kick, only to get hit by two missile dropkicks in a row, and Miz kicks him in the face. Miz then attacks Bryan repeatedly. I’d go into more detail, but the damn cameras keep going to the announce table. Miz puts pressure on Bryan’s jaw, putting him in a headlock, and Bryan fights out. Bryan runs at Miz, but they both fall over and have a ‘what the fuck?!’ moment, and Bryan puts Miz in a headlock. Miz Whips Bryan and then elbows him so hard that Miz is knocked over too before going to the cover. Bryan kicks out, and Miz comes back at him, putting Bryan in a headlock. Bryan and Miz duke it out with a few hits, and then Bryan Whips Miz, who counters and then Bryan flips out of the corner and retaliates with a clothesline. Miz gets up in the corner and Bryan plants his feet in Miz’ chest before going for the cover, but Miz kicks out. Miz plays possum and fights back, but Bryan drops him on the outside of the ring. Miz stands up, Bryan runs at him, but Miz moves. Bryan then launches himself at Miz outside the ring. Bryan throws Miz back into the ring and goes up top, and plants his feet in Miz’s chest again, but Miz kicks out of the cover at two. Miz is on his feet, and he is lured into the LaBell Lock, but Miz gets to the ropes first. The two seem to fight for a minute in the ropes before Miz hits a neckbreaker and deposits Bryan outside the ring.

@KeepItFiveStar OH! What a neckbreaker by Miz! Damn!

@Niki_Sushi NO! WHY CAN’T I EVER ESCAPE!? I’m going to start crying every time I heard this damn song now. Daniel, just… go away. Please. #BWF #RAW

We come back to Miz in control, and he gets Bryan up on the top rope, delivering some this to him. Miz tries to go for the suplex that no one seems able to hit anymore, and he manages to get Miz from the top to the ring on his back in record time, but Miz still kicks out from the cover. Bryan’s on his feet first and delivers some hard kicks to Miz’ chest, rapid-fire. Miz ducks under his next one and goes for a cover, but Bryan kicks out at two. Miz does it again, but Bryan kicks out again. Miz starts to drop Bryan onto his knee, but Bryan counters and kicks him in the chest again, but Miz kicks out of the cover at two. Bryan tries to get the LaBell Lock in again, but Miz gets up to his feet, and Bryan jumps onto his shoulders before dropping Bryan right on his face. Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale for the win.

WWE Champion The Miz wins via pinfall.

Miz stays in the ring after his match and asks if everyone saw what he did to the United States Champion Daniel Bryan? He knows everyone saw what he did, but there’s one person that didn’t see: Jerry “The King” Lawler. We all know Jerry’s unfortunately not here tonight, because his mother passed away. Therefore, Miz would like to take this moment to offer his sincere condolences. And yet he still gets boo’d. However, Miz says, he hopes that Jerry doesn’t use this as an excuse as to why he loses his match on Sunday at the Elimination Chamber. Because if Miz wants him to hear one thing, it is that The Miz will still be WWE Champion because he’s The Miz and he’s AWESOME!

Apparently, the rumors about the host of Wrestlemania have included every celebrity. I heard it’d even be Elvis!

@KeepItFiveStar That could’ve went down a really bad road. Thankfully it didn’t! #MizIsAwesome

@CMPunkSays HE’S GOING FOR THE NUCLEAR HEAT #Miz #WWE

@BrdWrstlngFn I see a lot of hate for @MikeTheMiz on here. Means he’s doing his job. Keep up the good work, Miz!

@HitTheRopes Lol, people starting freaking out thinking the WWE would have Miz go in on Lawler’s tragedy. Good job there WWE. Respectful and sells match

Michael McGuillicutty and David Otunga with Mason Ryan vs John Morrison and R-Truth

HOLY SHIT TRUTH’S DREADS ARE GONE! Oh, not they aren’t.

During the commercial, the RAW GM made this match to allow Truth and Morrison a chance at revenge, or something. Truth starts out with McGuillicutty and starts beating him up, but McGuillicutty fights back, only to get beat again. Morrison has some red around his eyes, and Otunga distracts the ref, so Morrison goes to get him, and Ryan gets Truth out of the ring and kicks him in the ribs. McGuillicutty climbs out of the ring and rams him kidney-first into the apron before hitting him again. McGuillicutty throws him into the ring and goes for the cover, but Truth kicks out at two. McGuillicutty tags in Otunga, who suplexes Truth and goes for a cover, only for Truth to kick out. Cole and Matthews argue over Punk’s victory as Otunga works on weakening Truth. Truth fights back and dodges a wild clothesline before dropping Otunga on his neck. Truth and Otunga are both down in the middle of the ring and Morrison gets in against Otunga. Morrison drops Otunga and hits him repeatedly, obviously furious about the attack on him last week. Otunga tags McGuillicutty in, but Morrison doesn’t care. He’s gone Hulk, and proceeds to just beat the shit out of McGuillicutty now. I’m not sure if the ref or Truth are safe either. Morrison works harder on kicking the shit out of McGuillicutty, and the ref finally gets him off of Otunga, and Morrison kicks Ryan away from the ring before sending Truth out on Ryan. Morrison kicks, or knees, McGuillicutty in the face and pins him for the win.

R-Truth and The Hulk John Morrison win.

Mason Ryan attacks Morrison from behind, but Morrison and Truth fight him out. The ref raises his hand and Morrison jerks it away to glare threateningly at Nexus.

Chris Jericho’s new autobiography, Undisputed, is available Wednesday! It’d be the perfect late Valentine’s Day present for your favorite RAW Reviewer, just so you know…

Coming up, the guest host of Wrestlemania will be announced, and Randy Orton and Sheamus will go one-on-one.

@CMPunkSays Did John Morrison just activate Devil Trigger? #WWE

@KeepItFiveStar John Morrison’s traded in the Parkour for Hardcore! He is PISSED!

@Niki_Sushi No, it goes like this. ‘JoMo used DUCT TAPE! It’s SUPER EFFECTIVE!’ #BWF #RAW

@JRosz78 At least they didn’t give that crackhead R-Fail a mic to fuck up this week! #RAW #WWE #BWF

The co-star to Triple H in The Chaperone is here, Ariel Winter, I mean. She says that she’s excited to be in the ring on Monday Night RAW. Good for her. As we know, in The Chaperone, Triple H plays her father. Not only is tonight Valentine’s Day, but tonight is the night for the Khali Kiss Cam, and I think Cole reacted with my reaction. Ugh.

Khali says something and I heard Kiss Cam, and I think he said BLAH BLAH BLAH! Ranjin says that he said Welcome to a special Valentine’s Day Kiss Cam! For the first time ever, Khali won’t be kissing anyone, but everyone else, backstage or in the front, gets to kiss. Audience, audience, Santino and Tamina, (with the Cobra trying to kiss), then Vickie and Dolph (who looks disgusted), audience, Maryse and Ted (and Maryse totally says no and kisses Yoshi instead!), Zack and Regal (OMG REGAL KISSED HIM!), audience, Hornswoggle?! Horny comes out with chocolates for Ariel, which is cute. He gives her the box, and then goes to leave, but she kisses his cheek. He hugs her and lifts her, spinning her around. Ariel then totally loses the chocolates all over the ring.

Still to come, that stuff I said before was still to come.

Randy Orton is making his way to the ring!

@kickoutblog William Regal is so manly, he’s totally comfortable with kissing another man.

@KeepItFiveStar OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! YOSHI TATSU GET YOU SOME!!!

@HitTheRopes Ariel Winter’s jacket is cool. And she dances better than Khali, not that that is difficult.

@Niki_Sushi Regal is my damn hero. Not many men are comfortable enough with themselves to kiss another man. #BWF #RAW

@KeepItFiveStar Awww. Chocolate botch! Mark Henry’s like “I’m on my way!” *Mark Henry runs to the ring with Ultimate Warrior like speed*

@FrankWWEClown Hornswoggle, that’s illegal. You have a full beard. That girl is like 10 years old. You little creep, you. #WWE #RAW

@HitTheRopes William Regal just wanted to get Zacked! @ZackRyder

@CMPunkSays REGAL! You cheeky bugger, you. #WWE

@kickoutblog Chris Hansen returns to Dateline NBC this week with “To Catch A Leprechaun”

@TKeep123 Next week Chaperone HHH shows up to kick the crap out of Hornswaggle for sleazing on his ‘daughter’… #WWE #RAW #BWF

@JRosz78 #RAW was goin so well then they throw this PG kid crap in there! SMH #RAW #BWF

Tonight’s order is screwing with me… Seriously… Shouldn’t the Wrestlemania guest host announcement come before this match? Aw, whatever.

King Sheamus vs Randy Orton

Orton comes out to the ring and looks over his shoulder, just in case.

Orton and Sheamus lock up, and trip over one another against the ropes. Orton backs up and Sheamus kicks him, hitting some hard hits before Whipping Orton, but Orton counters and takes Sheamus down before pounding on him and stomping on his head. He then goes to drop his knee on Sheamus, but Sheamus moves and hits him back, punching him in the head. Sheamus punches Orton, and Orton retaliates with a back breaker. Orton then drops the knee on Sheamus and goes for a cover, but Sheamus kicks out at two. Sheamus shoves Orton’s face into the turnbuckle, and then Sheamus takes Orton down with a clothesline. Sheamus goes for a cover, but Orton powers out. Sheamus steps on Orton’s chest before pushing Orton’s neck into the middle rope. Sheamus hits Orton’s chest with five or six hard forearms, and then drives his thigh into Orton’s face. Orton gets up and Sheamus swan dives into the ring and takes Orton down, going for a cover, but Orton kicks out at two. Sheamus goes for a submission, but Orton fights quickly to his feet, and Sheamus holds on, getting Orton back on the ring mat. Orton fights back up and fights out of the submission, delivering some head butts before getting kicked, but retaliating with two clotheslines and a scoop slam. He Whips Sheamus, and then kicks him in the chest, going for something, but Sheamus hits the Irish Curse Backbreaker, and Orton kicks out of the following cover at two. Sheamus punches him in the head and then puts him on the top rope. Orton takes a hit, and then Sheamus goes for the super plex, and Sheamus hits the super plex! Sheamus gets up, but Randy hits the RKO out of nowhere!

Randy Orton wins via pinfall.

Punk slides into the ring with the New Nexus right after Orton’s victory, and John Morrison comes out to help Orton, followed by R-Truth and finally John Cena. Randy RKOs Otunga, then McGuillicutty, and then attacks Ryan, before Cena and Randy both throw Ryan out, and Punk tries to get Randy in the Go to Sleep, but Randy counters and pushes Punk to Cena, who hits the Attitude Adjustment.

Backstage, a limo pulls up. The door opens, and heels are what come out of the limo.

@KeepItFiveStar Sheamus is like an RKO Magnet

@kickoutblog I actually think Sheamus and Orton have chemistry, they just haven’t found the right mixture yet. #SCIENCE

@KeepItFiveStar IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!!

@ThingsColeSays TOO MANY LIMES, TOO MANY LIMES!

@Niki_Sushi I’m open to just about anyone, but if it’s Stephanie McMahon, I’m going to whip her with Cole’s tie.. using Daniel’s arms. #BWF #RAW

And the host of Wrestlemania 27 is…

IF YOU SMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL!!!!!!!!

The Rock has finally returned to the WWE, and what a way to do it! He gets an absolutely astounding pop, so much so that I actually turned down my TV a little to try to save my head from exploding. Then again, it already hurts, so… yeah.

Silence, jabronis! The Rock has a microphone!

Rock goes to speak, but they start cheering him again.

Rock says after seven long years, finally, finally, finally the Rock has come back to Anaheim! Which means, finally, the Rock has come back to Monday Night RAW! Which means, finally, the Rock has come back home. Before The Rock gets into that, before we electrify, before we turn this out tonight, for those of you who don’t know, the Rock has many nicknames: The Great One, The Most Electrifying Man in All of Entertainment, The People’s Champion. But he wants to tell us something that’s important right now, as Dwayne. It’s been a long time since he’s been back. Seven years, to be exact. But he wants to take this moment, in the middle of this ring, to tell us why he’s back. It’s not because of the money, it’s not to promote a movie, he is back in the middle of this ring, because of us, the WWE Universe. When he left the WWE seven years ago, he dreamed big, and we dreamed big with him, and we helped him to do that because we never left his side. And he wants to take a moment to tell everyone here, millions watching around the world, thank you, he loves us, and it is because of us that he is back, and it is because of us, and he gives us his word, that he is never ever going away. Simply put, the Rock is back. He’s back because he wanted to do something unprecedented, host Wrestlemania! So it happened, Rock called Mr. McMahon. McMahon knew why he was caling, there was only one man electrifying enough, who can captivate the world, Rock, that man can only be, Justin Beiber-?! But Rock told Vince, no no no nononono. The Rock knows Justin, he’s cool, but make no mistake about it, there’s only one man capable enough host Wrestlemania, The ROCK! I forgot how fast this man talks. The Rock is going to Wrestlemania, is hosting Wrestlemania, and at the drop of a dime, the Rock with Layeth the Smackdown at Wrestlemania! But, to who? That’s the question. Could it be the WWE Champion, The Miz? Rock hears “I’m awesome” all the time. If you gotta run around telling everyone how awesome you are, it means you completely suck. But, there’s one more man, who the Rock wants to see, one more man the Rock is gonna see:

Cole says he has gotten an email, and Rock says WHOA! Rock says that if Cole takes one more step toward that computer, the Rock will slap the taste out of his mouth so hard he’ll never get it back. Does Cole think that Rock is going to let him interrupt Rock when he’s live on RAW? Does he actually think that anyone gives a damn what the General Manager has to say? Cole, is that what you think? Cole says – IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! And what you do, Cole, is sit your ass down, take off your headset and don’t say a word. And Rock Quotes: “Know your damn role and shut your damn mouth.” Cause if he doesn’t, Rock will post some cool pictures on the Rock’s FaceBook. Facebook.com/DwayneJohnson. If Cole does it, Rock will step out of that ring, go over to the computer, shine it up nice, turn it sideways, and stick it straight up Michael Cole’s candy ass! Rock calls him a drunk hobbit and tells him to sit down.

Cole is pouting. It’s epic.

There is one man who the Rock is going to see, one man who the Rock has to see face-to-face. A guy who he met and thought was a cool guy, wished him well, happy for his success, and when the Rock leaves, he starts talking trash about the Rock. Rock doesn’t know and doesn’t care, and that’s John Cena. So, let Rock get this straight: The WWE has gone from the powerful Austin 3:16 to the Dominant and Iconic Can You Smell What the Rock is Cookin’, to… you can’t see me? What, are you playing Peek-a-boo? Believe Rock, we can all see you. A blindfolded, sleeping, stuck-in-the-basement Stevie Wonder can see your ass. How the hell do you think we can miss? Bright ass purple, green, orange shirt, lookin like a big fat bowl of Fruity Pebbles. Cena, Rock will see you at Wrestlemania. Just like the Rock will see Miz, and just like he will see everyone, and just as sure as the Rock turns Wrestlemania into the most epic Wrestlemania ever, and just as sure as Rock guarantees that he’ll show he’s the most electric man in entertainment, layeth the Smackdown at any moment, the Rock and the millions, and the millions, and the millions of the Rock’s fans go to Wrestlemania and electrify, if you smell-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l what the Rock….

….

…

Is cookin.

Well. There’s RAW. While I’m very glad that Rock is back, I think that they should have cut his mic time in like… half. I’m exhausted. Anyway, excited for Wrestlemania now! See you all next week.

RAW 1.31.11

January 31, 2011 11:24 pm 5 Comments

Hello everyone, and welcome to coverage of the longest running weekly e-Nevermind. I wanted to sound all epic, but the voice in my head was Cole’s, and now I need brain bleach. Oh, and if you are on Twitter, @Niki_Sushi is a liar. Just so you all know. *wink!*

Anyway, this is an exciting RAW (I hope!) because it’s the RAW after the Royal Rumble! Who outlasted thirty-nine other men to be the winner of the first ever Forty Man Royal Rumble match?! And who walked out of the Royal Rumble WWE Champion? All those answers, and more, to come right now!

Tonight, we will have another Champion vs Champion match between World Heavyweight Champion Edge and WWE Champion, The Miz!

We start out RAW with Ricardo Rodriguez announcing Alberto del Rio. I believe he says something about a mariachi performance in celebration of Alberto del Rio’s victory. And that’s what happens. Ricardo leads them to the ring. Wait, is the mariachi band playing Alberto’s theme song? That’s great.

Rio takes the mic, silences the mariachi band, and says that his name is Alberto del Riooooooo!… but you already know that. You people never, never listen. He told us that it was his destiny to win the Royal Rumble, but we didn’t listen. That’s our problem. We never listen. (as the crowd yells What?) Tonight, we are going to celebrate Alberto del Rio. He’s going to headline Wrestlemania! Even if we don’t’ deserve it, because it’s a blue collar town, he hired the best mariachi in Mexico. This mariachi only plays for the Mexican president and Rio. This is not Justin Bieber’s music, this is real music. I concur. Anyway, he has something else really important to tell us: As the winner of the Royal Rumble, he can choose who he’s going to face at Wrestlemania: WWE Champion or the World Heavyweight Champion, and he has made his decision. And he’s going to tell us right now! The championship he will be going after at Wrestlemania will be the-

AWESOME!

WWE Champion The Miz comes out, Alex Riley in toe.

Miz says before Alberto makes his decision, he wants to say congratulations. Him winning the biggest Royal Rumble in the history, is impressive. Almost as impressive as The Miz’s winning against Randy three times after winning Money in the Bank. He just hopes that Rio chooses to face him. Miz says make no mistake about it, he’ll be the WWE Champion by the time Wrestlemania comes around. He can’t say the same about Edge, because he’s going to lose it at the Elimination Chamber. Last night, Miz saw Edge celebrating. He told everyone who would listen that he was going to embarrass Rio at Wrestlemania and mocking his accent, and his tie. Edge even said that Rio’s cars are all rental. Miz says that if he doesn’t believe Miz, he can ask Riley. Riley said that he gives Rio his word: Edge said he has no respect for a second-rate JBL meets Tito Santana.

Rio takes the mic and says that he knows Miz, and to him, this is a ploy to make him choose Edge instead of Miz. Is Miz lying to him? Miz says really? Really? Really? Listen, he took out Edge’s little buddy Christian. Edge is threatened, doesn’t like, and doesn’t respect Rio. He just thought he’d tell Rio the truth about Edge, talking behind his back.

You think you know me…

As Edge gets in, he plays one of the mariachi trumpets, and the guy laughs.

Edge says Alberto, Miz is right. He’s absolutely right. He doesn’t like or respect Rio. But, he’s wrong about one thing. He wouldn’t say those things behind his back, he’d come out and say them to his face. See, Edge will be champion at Wrestlemania, and if Rio chooses to face him, he will beat him. He will because he’s the Rrrrrated R Superstarrrr. But, you already knew that, didn’t you?

Rio says that the only think he knows is that it is his destiny to be the greatest of the great and at Wrestlemania he will be the new World Heavyweight Champion. Edge says congratulations, and to take this with you. He then hits Rio, and looks at Miz, who leaves the ring with the mariachi, who are not going to lose their instruments. Rio comes back and kicks Edge before grabbing a guitar, which he then breaks on Edge’s back, before locking in the cross-arm breaker. Edge appears to be tapping, but there’s no ref, no match, and Alberto finally lets go.

Ha. The mariachi were playing his theme!! I’m like… 95% sure.

Coming up, Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov will take on Husky Harris and Michael McGuillicutty for the WWE Tag Team Championships.

@Niki_Sushi OKay. Del Rio dissed the Biebtard. He’s not as obnoxious in my mind now. #BWF #RAW

@JonHexLives I kind of want to see The Miz vs, Alberto Del Rio in a faux hawk throwdown. #WWE #RAW #BWF

@seraphalexiel Alberto will be pissed if Edge loses the belt at the Elimination Chamber…..

@CMPunkSays Del Rio: “You never listen!” Crowd: “WHAT?!” #CantMakeThisShitUp #WWE

@StrikerSays LOLOLOL, “Alberto Pendejo” sign! I like that they are in RI, so obviously the arena staff didn’t know what it meant, and didn’t confiscate.

“Tonight, for the first time ever, we’re going to have a RAW Rumble match. Seven Superstars will participate. T he winner of the RAW Rumble match, will go on to face the WWE Champion at the Elimination Chamber PPV. The remaining six will be in the Elimination Chamber itself. The participates in the RAW Rumble match are Randy Orton, CM Punk, John Morrison, R-Truth, Sheamus, Jerry “The King” Lawler, and John Cena.”

WWE Tag Team Champions Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov with Tamina vs Husky Harris and Michael McGuillicutty for the WWE Tag Team Championships

Marella and McGuillicutty start out, and Santino gets McGuillicutty on the ground before locking in a headlock on McGuillicutty, who runs him into the corner. Santino lets go, but McGuillicutty hits him with a couple of punches and a kick before being forced off by the ref. He then runs to jump on Santino, but Santino move sand tags in Kozlov. Kozlov powers McGuillicutty right into the corner, hitting him with some hard shoulders, before McGuillicutty goes after his knee then kicks him in the head. McGuillicutty keeps him on the ropes before tagging Harris in. Harris keeps him in the corner, then Kozlov pushes him off before Kozlov gets him down and goes for a cover, but Harris kicks out. Kozlov powers Harris over to his own corner and tags in Santino. Santino does something, but Harris shoves him across the ring and then kicks him. Harris then spends his time getting Santino up, and Santino tries to Whip him, but Husky counters, and meets Santino’s offense with a shoulder. Harris shoves Santino in the corner, tags in McGuillicutty, and then throws McGuillicutty into Santino, followed by Harris. McGuillicutty goes for a cover, but Santino kicks out. Something happens, but the replay is too big-there we go. McGuillicutty hits a neckbreaker and goes for a cover, but Santino kicks out at two. Santino is thrown out by McGuillicutty, and Tamina goes over to check on him.

@TKeep123 YES! Jerry The King Lawler…one more time in the Raw Rumble! …but how did R-Truth get on that list? #RAW #WWE #BWF

@CMPunkSays By the way, you are now imagining Jerry Lawler in the Elimination Chamber. #WWE

@HitTheRopes R-Truth? What the phuck? It doesn’t need to be an equal opportunity chamber! #wwe

@KeepItFiveStar R-TRUTH?! R-TRUTH!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! HE HASN’T WON A MATCH IN LIKE A MONTH!

@Niki_Sushi ‘Ruthless’ is glitterfied on McGillicutty’s ass. I can no longer take him seriously. #BWF #RAW

We come back to McGuillicutty trying to pin Santino for the cover. McGuillicutty has Santino in a headlock across the ring from Kozlov, and Santino fights to get to Kozlov, but McGuillicutty is trying to keep him back. They both get to their feet, but McGuillicutty hits a hard forearm on Santino. McGuillicutty tries to hit Kozlov, but Kozlov hits back, and Santino gets a hit on McGuillicutty. Harris and Kozlov are tagged in and Kozlov dominates Harris, going for a cover until McGuillicutty breaks it up. McGuillicutty this a missile dropkick and Santino tags himself in, sending McGuillicutty over the top rope. Santino then hits the Cobra on Harris and pins him for the win.

WWE Tag Team Champions Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov win via pinfall.

After the match, Randy runs down the ramp out of nowhere and RKOs McGuillicutty and Harris for costing him the title last night. He looks up toward the ramp before walking around inside the ring and facing the ramp. Orton looks off to the side and takes a moment to glare at the crowd before looking at Harris’ unconscious body. He looks down at Harris and backs away, standing in the corner, watching Harris, setting up for the punt.

CM Punk, however, interrupts.

He tells Randy not to do that as he, Otunga, and Mason Ryan come out. Punk tells him again not to do it. Punk says that Orton doesn’t want to do this, nothing he wants to be a part of. It’s nothing he would do. Punk asks if he has to say please, and Randy look like he could care less if Punk says please. Punk says he’s not going to beg, but take some advice, for once in his life: Don’t do it. If Orton kicks Harris in the skull, there will be serious consequences and repercussions. Orton really doesn’t look like he cares, and Harris is teasing us about getting the fuck up. Randy stops, however, and looks back at Punk. He then moves out of that position, hangs his head, and looks back at Punk. He looks to the crowd, who cheers (sick bastards), and then back at Harris, and then the other side of the arena, then back at Punk. He smirks, laughs, drops it, and then drops back in the corner, punting Harris in the skull.

Punk, Otunga, and Ryan all take off after him, but Randy slithers on out, running through the crowd and up to the top, rather nicely silhouetted against the darkness there. There is a staring match between Punk and Orton now, as Orton’s music plays.

@TKeep123 Randy won’t cave to an implied threat from CM Punk! Don’t worry, Mulligans have HARD heads! #RAW #WWE #BWF

@KeepItFiveStar Why can’t Randy Orton just talk it out with people? It’s always RKOs with him

@CMPunkSays NOT Have you ever herped a derp so hard that you jobbed to the Cobra? #WWE

@ForrestFuller Why not punt Micheal Cole instead of Husky Harris #WWE #RAW #BWF

Ted DiBiase is joined by Maryse, still, and has a mic. This’ll be good.

Ted says that it doesn’t thrill him to say it, but King’s career is over. And his, his is just getting started. King doesn’t need any more opportunities. It’s time for guys like him to step aside for the future. So, why doesn’t he do the right thing, for the future, and give him his spot for tonight’s RAW Rumble? King takes off his headset and grabs a mic, but Cole snatches it. Cole says he’ll handle it. Cole then says that Ted is being disrespectful. Has Ted ever met King? He’s a legend, a Hall of Famer. He’s heard of the Showstopper, right? King is the Scene Stealer. There’s no way that he’s going to let his selfish, narcissistic ego take himself out of the match to give it to DiBiase. It won’t happen. King takes the mic and says he’s gonna tell both of them something: he’ snot giving his spot up in the RAW Rumble to anybody. His Road to Wrestlemania has always been under construction. He’s been in the WWE 18 years, and he’s never been to Wrestlemania. And, as far as he’s concerned, his Road to Wrestlemania starts tonight, and if it wasn’t for Cole, he may be WWE Champion right now. He knows he can beat the Miz, and he’s gonna be in the RAW Rumble, and he’s gonna win it. Ted then hits King and moves with Maryse. King then follows Teddy, but Ted moves Maryse in front of him, preventing King from hitting Ted. Maryse, on the other hand, is not amused. Ted can’t think of a good enough excuse, so Maryse slaps him. Then, King punches Ted. Poor DiBiase’s having a bad night… And Cole now lectures King, and King says he’s about to shove his fist so far down Cole’s throat they’ll be afraid to remove it. He’s beginning to not care if he gets fired…

Later on tonight, The Miz will take on Edge!

@KeepItFiveStar Maryse with the Princess Peach slap then Jerry Lawler with the Falcon Punch! Ted DiBiase just got Melee’d!

@TKeep123 Love me some Maryse! Looking even HOTTER, if that’s possible!! #RAW #WWE #BWF

@KeepItFiveStar Even R-Truth’s photo looks like he doesn’t belong in the RAW Rumble. It’s like “Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Lawler, I guess. And REALLY??”

@kickoutblog FALCON PAAAWWWWNNNNNCH!

United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs Tyson Kidd

The Bellas are talking, but I don’t’ care. Bryan and Kidd are fighting, Gail ringside, and Kidd gets a good early advantage. Does anyone remember when he had that big guy? Me neither. Kidd goes for a quick cover, but Bryan kicks out two. Kidd puts Bryan in a headlock, but Bryan shoves him off and does a lot of really fancy things. Bryan delivers some hard hits to Kidd, and the camera keeps going to the FUCKING BELLAS, Kidd does some stuff, Bryan tries to lock in the LaBell lock, does, and Kidd taps out.

United States Champion Daniel Bryan wins via pinfall.

Gail hugs Bryan and joins him in his celebration before the Bellas climb into the ring. One of them hits Bryan, Gail shoves her, and insert the same freaking cat fight we’ve seen for too long already. It takes two refs holding the Bellas, and Bryan holding Gail to break it up.

Up next, The Miz and Edge will go one on one!

@CMPunkSays IT’S LIKE I’M REALLY WATCHING MEAN GIRLS #WWE

@Niki_Sushi I think Gail just ripped out some extensions and killed a bird. #BWF #RAW #justoneleft

@kickoutblog I already love 2.21.11, WWE hasn’t done anything like this since Jericho’s return.

@redsandman99 How can anyone blame Daniel Bryan for choosing Gail over the Bellas. I’d punt those bitches Orton style for her

I saw people in the front row with four signs spelling out AWESOME. Loved it.

WWE Champion The Miz with Alex Riley vs World Heavyweight Champion Edge

Miz and Edge lock up, and shove one another away. Then they lock up again, and Edge locks Miz in a headlock, but Miz fights out and gets an elbow to the face, followed by one by the back of the head. Edge Whips Miz, but Miz counters and Edge counters with a neckbreaker. Edge goes for a cover, but Miz kicks out. Edge beats Miz into a corner and hits him a few times. The replay is starting to piss me off. Edge has an advantage over Miz, pulling him in a headlock between the ropes. Edge Whips Miz, who is pulled out of the ring by Riley. Edge grabs him, but Miz drops Edge’s shoulder onto the top rope. He pulls Edge out of the ring and sends him into the steel steps. Miz pulls Edge to his feet and throws him back in the ring, going for a cover. Edge kicks out at two. Miz plants his knee in Edge’s spine before twisting himself around Edge and putting his injured arm in a submission. Edge fights to his feet and punches Miz in the head, but Miz drops down, essentially giving Edge’s arm a stunner before going for a cover, but Edge kicks out. Miz then puts Edge’s shoulder through the ropes, and Riley punches Edge. Miz goes for a cover, but Edge kicks out, so Miz returns to a submission on Edge’s shoulder. Edge fights to his feet, and punches Miz a few times, but Miz puts his knee in Edge’s stomach. Edge returns the favor by putting his heel in Miz’ jaw. Edge then starts to do something, but Miz counters, dropping Edge to the mat, and returning to the submission on Edge’s shoulder. Edge fights to the bottom rope.

Space! Miz goes to hit Edge, but Edge fights back and tries to steal a victory, but Miz fights out. Edge and Miz meet, and then Miz goes for a cover, but Edge kicks out. Miz sends Edge’s arm right back to the mat, then puts his knee in Edge’s shoulder and stretches the arm out. Edge fights out of it, and Whips Miz, but Miz kicks Edge, and then the two kick one another in the face. The ref begins his count. Miz is up to his feet, as is Edge at eight. Miz runs for Edge, but Edge drops him on his face. Edge then drops Miz again, and Edge goes for a cover, but Miz kicks out. Edge kicks Miz in the stomach and then Whips him, but Miz counters,. Edge goes for another cover, but Edge kicks out, and then Miz kicks Edge in the face, goes for a cover, but Edge kicks out. Miz gets on the apron and climbs up on the top rope, standing up and dropping down, only to get a boot to the stomach. Edge then drops Miz on his face. Edge backs up into the opposite corner, setting up for the Spear. Miz gets up to his feet, and Edge tries for the Spear, but Miz sends him into the post.

John Cena says that Miz can do it and says there’s a party, and that they’re just cheering for him. Miz starts to talk to him, and Cena gets the arena doing a Miz is Awful chant, before Edge Spears Miz.

World Heavyweight Champion Edge wins via pinfall.

@CMPunkSays FALL IN A HOLE, CENA. A DEEP HOLE. A HOLE THAT REACHES THE EARTH’S CORE. #WWE

@bethsharae Stupid Cena…you got the chant wrong. It’s Miz is Awesome! #Raw

@kickoutblog Once again, the “good guys” cheat to win. Edge with an illegal move and Cena interfered! Should be a DQ win for Miz!

Stone Cold Steve Austin will return to WWE to host Tough Enough in April!

I’m feeling like this is a Smackdown invasion again…

Vickie Guerrero comes out and says that while Edge may have won tonight, but his chances of winning Friday are next to impossible. Friday, the World Heavyweight Championship will be defended in a way that it never has been before, so please join them. Whatever. Oh, hell, it’s our Surprise Champion!

WWE Diva’s Champion Eve and Natalya vs LayCool

Really, Natalya? I wouldn’t have tagged with her. Tell her to find someone else. Oh, wait, there is no one else… For the first time ever, I’m so sick of Eve and Natalya, I want LayCool to win.

Natalya and McCool start out and Natalya goes for an early cover, followed by another, but McCool pulls out. Natalya keeps an advantage over McCool until McCool gets away and tags in Layla. Natalya walks toward Layla, who drops to the mat and curls up. Natalya touches her and she squirms. Natalya then picks her up and she gets onto her feet and pushes Natalya. Layla then runs over and attaches herself to McCool between the ropes, and turns around to get a kick from Natalya. Natalya suplexes her, and goes for the cover, but Layla kicks out. Natalya Whips Lay, and then Eve clotheslines her. Eve finally actually does something, and hits a handspring moonsault before going for a cover and Layla kicks out. Layla kicks Eve, and Eve runs her across the ring and onto the top turnbuckle. Natalya distracts the ref, and McCool kicks Eve. Layla hits the Face Lift off the turnbuckle and pins Eve for the win.

LayCool win via pinfall.

@TKeep123 Michelle’s boot seems to have knocked some accent BACK into Layla’s mouth! #WWE #RAW #BWF

@Niki_Sushi Goddamn you, RAW. I don’t want LayCool. I just want Lay. Cool can go hang out with Cole and Del Rio in the corner. #BWF #RAW

@kickoutblog “Your big foot” = LOL

OH MAH GOODNESS! IT’S THE GIANT JOBBER SQUAD!

The Great Khali and Mark Henry vs. Jimmy and Jey Uso

Oh, well. No matter who wins, this is kind of humiliating… Josh Matthews has joined Michael Cole as King has gone to get ready for his match.

“As I see the Usos stand across the ring from the Great Khali and the WSM, let’s face it: they don’t have a chance. So, to give the Usos a more competitive advantage, I’ve decided to alter the contest, and these two teams will compete in a dance off. Each team will have the opportunity to strut their stuff, and you, the WWE Universe will have the chance to decide who is the winner. Gentlemen, let’s boogie, woogie, woogie.”

I hate. The. GM.

You know what? I started to review this. I don’t know why. But now, I have a headache. If the WWE Universe loves me, they will know that Khali and Henry can’t dance, and will accept that the Usos won. I hate this. I HATE THI-

That works. The Usos attack Khali and Henry, and then are met by a Punjabi Plunge and the World’s Strongest Slam, and Khali goes for a cover. Poor thing.

@StrikerSays Sorry Usos, apparently the Bellas are the only ones with “twin magic.”

@HitTheRopes Amazing that I was just defending Raw last night to someone who can’t stand WWE. Then we get a dance off. #LeSigh

@KeepItFiveStar When The Usos smiled you could tell they died on the inside

@FrankWWEClown I just threw up in my mouth watching Michael Cole dance. #WWE

@TKeep123 Mark Henry rocking the Bollywood Dance??? Kill me now. #RAW #WWE #BWF

@JonHexLives The Usos are straight jobbers now. #WWE #RAW #BWF

The Shack/rain/leather person promo for 2.21.11 plays again.

YAY RAW HATES ME!

RAW Rumble Match: Winner faces The Miz for the WWE Championship at Elimination Chamber, and the other Six will be in the RAW Elimination Chamber match.

When thrown over the top rope, and both feet touch the floor (MORRISON), you lose. I. Hate these kinds of things.

@seraphalexiel Kidnapping a wrestler’s loved one is apparently WWE films’ recipe for success

@kickoutblog What is WWE’s obsession with dancing? Just put Kozlov on Dancing With The Stars and be done with it.

@KeepItFiveStar IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!!!

@HitTheRopes JoMo and the ‘E would have been SO pissed if one of them fans got their hand in the way during that spot last night

ENTRANT NUMBER – ENTRANT – ELIMINATED BY

1) John Morrison – Sheamus

2) Sheamus – King and John Cena

3) John Cena – King

4) CM Punk – Randy Orton

5) R-Truth – John Cena

6) Jerry “The King” Lawler – WINNER

7) Randy Orton – R-Truth

I can’t cover this very well, but I’ll give you the interesting stuff. JoMo and Sheamus give us pretty good one-on-one wrestling action, same as their matches, really. Sheamus hits the Irish Curse Backbreaker on JoMo and then freezes everything as Cena comes out.

Cena comes in, obviously furious about being eliminated last night and takes it out on Sheamus. Cena goes to hit an Attitude Adjustment, and Morrison manages to land on his feet instead of getting hit by it.

Punk gets in and immediately cleans house, taking on anyone and everyone who gets in his way. Punk and Morrison are clinging to the ropes like monkeys or something, but stay in.

Truth comes in and immediately takes on his “friend” Cena. What a shitty friend. I’m just saying. Truth and Morrison both nearly eliminate the other, but hang on, and Truth can’t get his black ass back in the ring. He finally does, nearly costing Sheamus his chance to beat the shit out of him.

Jerry runs out and Punk waited for him, and then King punches every-damn-body. Three of the four corners have people getting ready to be dumped out.

Punk runs out of the ring, under the bottom rope, when Randy hits the ring. Randy’s looking for him. And guesses where he is before getting into the ring, looking under the ring. He wants Punk. Orton grabs Punk’s ankle, yanks him out from under the ring and proceeds to beat the shit out of him. Punk gets into the ring and then Randy follows, and finally enters the RAW Rumble.

Punk was the first man eliminated, by Orton, followed right after by Orton, who was eliminated by Truth. Truth nearly got venom spit in his face.

@KeepItFiveStar That’s why R-Truth doesn’t deserved to be in the damn match. He almost got eliminated by the ropes. He probably thinks Parkour is a dance

@StrikerSays R-Truth doesn’t even RUN to the ring, he fucking SKIPS. He makes me want to punch unicorns.

@Niki_Sushi Sheamus has his hand ALL the way up John’s ass. Cole 2.0? #BWF #RAW

@TKeep123 Orton takes out Punk…and R-truth takes out Orton! Tooth is a dead man! :} #RAW #WWE #BWF

Good news is, no one else was eliminated during the commercial. Bad news is, I literally just saw King’s hands all over Truth’s ass. Ew.

King and Morrison are working together to try to get rid of Truth, but he won’t budge. Cena grabs Truth and Morrison on his shoulders and goes to eliminate them both, but only manages to eliminate Truth. Morrison gets Cena on the apron, and the two duke it out, both teetering on the edge. Sheamus runs over and tries to clothesline them both, but they move, and Sheamus holds on, and JoMo starts slapping his damn hands. Sheamus is responsible for Cena getting back in the ring.

Morrison pulls another shit-tacular Parkour move and he hooks his ankles in the bottom rope and keeps himself fin the match. Goes to eliminate Sheamus, but Sheamus catapults himself right onto Morrison.

Cena puts Sheamus in an STF, and Sheamus taps. Like a tard.

Morrison hits Starship Pain, and literally only hits Cena with one arm. What the fuck.

King throws Morrison out, but he keeps himself in by touching the floor with his hands only.

Morrison is out courtesy of a Brogue Kick from Sheamus. Thanks, Sheamus.

Sheamus throws King into Cena and eliminates Cena, and then Sheamus goes for a Brogue Kick, only for Cena and King to move the rope so that Sheamus eliminates himself.

Sorry folks, this is Kiharu (@Niki_Sushi) typing at you, because TheMizMagnet is spitting flames at this end. So this is me saying good night, and thanks for reading this review! Tune in next week for…well, more RAW.

@TheMizMagnet JSODGIJRPOWIGJPOIFJ PDOI APOI OSIDJFPOEWI POI A LVKJDPOI EW OAIJFDA OWIEWR *ragequits*

Royal Rumble 2011

January 30, 2011 11:31 pm 6 Comments

Hey! That’s right, something before RAW?! Yeah. I decided at the beginning of the Royal Rumble match to do a real quick rundown of the Royal Rumble. This is not going to be anywhere near as long as the usual RAW Reviews, and it’s not going to be as detailed. The backstage segments may be out of order, but I barely paid attention to them…

Edge vs Dolph Ziggler with Vickie Guerrero for the World Heavyweight Championship

So Edge comes out, we’re reminded that he can’t use the Spear or he loses the Championship, and then Vickie comes out, reminds us, and introduces Dolph. The match goes on for a while and was a pretty decent match. I didn’t expect it to be, but it turned out to be. Vickie got on the apron and slapped Edge, but Kelly Kelly, of all fuckin people, came out and took her out. Dolph locked in a sleeper, and during Edge’s wild flailing to get out of it, he slapped the ref, and knocked him down. So, Edge hit a quick Spear when no one was looking (except the whole audience), and then locked in the Killswitch (or the Unprettier) for the win.

World Heavyweight Champion Edge wins via pinfall.

There’s a small segment backstage with WWE Champion The Miz saying that he’ll win, and Riley backs him up.

The Miz with Alex Riley vs Randy Orton for the WWE Championship

Randy gets an early advantage, but Riley interferes and Miz gets it. Match was pretty decent, with Riley interfering a good amount, and The Miz about to walk out before Randy stopped that idea with a harsh clothesline. It ended, surprisingly, with Nexus coming out to stand by the ring. Riley came in to try to get Randy, but was thrown out onto Nexus and the ref, and then Punk came up from underneath the ring and hit the Go To Sleep on Orton, and dragged Miz over for the cover.

WWE Champion The Miz wins via pinfall.

Gail Kim was backstage with Daniel Bryan. Bellas faked an apology and then attacked.

Natalya vs LayCool in a Two-on-One Handicap Match for the WWE Diva’s Championship

Before the match can get started, the RAW GM says that he’s gotten enough emails about Cole being annoying (“That’s just a joke!”), and won’t get more about LayCool, so this is now a Fatal Four Way. NO! IT WASN’T AWESOME KONG’S DEBUT, OR EVEN BETH! IT WAS!!!!!!!

Natalya vs Layla vs Michelle McCool vs Eve Torres for the WWE Diva’s Championship

You read that right. Anyway, the match was alright, kind of, and then Eve pinned Layla as McCool pinned Natalya. However, ref was looking at Eve and Layla.

WWE Diva’s Champion Eve Torres wins via pinfall.

Michelle was pissed.

Then, the Royal Rumble match (and there was a thing at some point about how “Dashing” Cody Rhodes had an official statement about his not making it, thanks to Rey’s knee brace breaking his face nose.) started.

ENTRANT NUMBER – ENTRANT – ELIMINATED BY

1) CM Punk

I have to stop here. Punk came out, and then the Corre’s music hit, and then the Corre surrounded Punk, and then the New Nexus came in and it was a mini-brawl. Essentially, the RAW GM told them that this was not how the Royal Rumble match was going to start and sent them all (minus Punk) back to the back to wait their turns.

1) CM Punk – John Cena
2) United States Champion Daniel Bryan – David Otunga
3) Justin Gabriel – Daniel Bryan
4) Zack Ryder – Daniel Bryan
5) William Regal – Ted DiBiase
6) Ted DiBiase (with Maryse) – Nexus
7) John Morrison – Nexus
8) Yoshi Tatsu – Mark Henry
9) Husky Harris – The Great Khali
10) Chavo Guerrero – Mark Henry
11) Mark Henry – Nexus
12) JTG – Michael McGuillicutty
13) Michael McGuillicutty – John Cena
14) Chris Masters – Nexus
15) David Otunga – John Cena
16) Tyler Reks – Nexus
17) Vladimir Kozlov – Punk
18) R-Truth – Punk
19) The Great Khali – Mason Ryan
20) Mason Ryan – John Cena
21) Booker T – Mason Ryan
22) John Cena – The Miz
23) Hornswoggle – Sheamus
24) Tyson Kidd – John Cena
25) Heath Slater – John Cena
26) Kofi Kingston – Randy Orton
27) Jack Swagger – Rey Mysterio
28) Sheamus – Randy Orton
29) Rey Mysterio – Wade Barrett
30) Wade Barrett – Randy Orton
31) Dolph Ziggler – The Big Show
32) Diesel – Wade Barrett
33) Drew McIntyre – The Big Show
34) Alex Riley – John Cena
35) The Big Show – Ezekiel Jackson
36) Ezekiel Jackson – Kane
37) Santino Marella – Alberto del Rio
38) Alberto del Rio – WINNER
39) Randy Orton – Alberto del Rio
40) Kane – Rey Mysterio

There were a lot of hijinks in the ring during the match. The Miz ran into the ring, after sitting commentary since Alex Riley entered the Rumble, and eliminated Cena after Cena eliminated Riley. Hornswoggle copied a lot of moves, and a lot of the people lasted longer than they may have seemed to. It wasn’t a hugely, wildly spectacular match, but it was alright.

See ya tomorrow night for Monday Night RAW!

RAW 1.24.11

January 24, 2011 11:17 pm 3 Comments

Hello everyone! I know I missed RAW last week, and I’m terribly sorry about that, but I’m back tonight! Who was that mysterious man who joined Nexus at the end of last week’s RAW? What wonderful news will we hear from the RAW General Manager tonight? I don’t know, but I did hear a rumor that it’s supposed to be the World Heavyweight Champion, Edge, against the WWE Champion, The Miz tonight. Champion vs Champion! Melina and Natalya are also going head to head for the Diva’s Championship!

Oh yeah! The Royal Rumble is this Sunday! Forty men are going to compete for the first time ever! Thank God I’m not covering it. You all know how I love multiple-party matches. Anyway, it’s bound to be good!

Tonight’s show is brought to you by:

You think you know me…

Damn! I don’t have any Edge pictures to use!

The World Heavyweight Champion makes his way to the ring to kick off RAW for us! He says that he doesn’t feel like waiting. He’s never liked waiting, he’s never had a lot of patience. He doesn’t like waiting at the DMV, for the guy at the supermarket to pay by check, he doesn’t like waiting for the guy in front of him at security at the airport to realize his metal belt is made of metal, and he’s sick of waiting in vain for Michael Cole to stop being a tool. So, why doesn’t the Miz just come out here now–?

“Edge, I know you’re very anxious to have your Champion vs Champion match against The Miz, but I have officially schedule that attraction for later tonight. Fortunately for you, I haven’t forgotten about your disrespect when you were a superstar on RAW. That’s why I’ve arranged a special exhibition for you right now. Whichever one of these men tosses you over the top rope will receive the advantageous position of Number 40 at this Sunday’s Royal Rumble. Ring the bell.”

Jack Swagger, Tyson Kidd, and Drew McIntyre make their way down to try to get the position. Tyson Kidd is quickly eliminated by Edge, and Drew McIntyre takes advantage. McIntyre almost gets Edge out, but Swagger breaks it up and Edge sends him over the top. Now, it’s just McIntyre and Edge, but Edge manages to eliminate McIntyre too!

Edge wins.

Edge takes the mic and thanks the anonymous RAW General Manager for getting his juices flowing. He says he’ll go to the back and get ready for his match with The Miz, but first, he wants to do something. He slowly climbs out of the ring, and says that it’s something he did last time on this show. Then, he asks who here wants to see a smashed laptop computer? The crowd cheers, King says he does, and Cole says he doesn’t. Cole gets up and tries to protect the laptop, trying to talk sense into Edge. But, Edge is a nonsensical, crazy man. Common sense doesn’t work.

Damn. The old Nexus theme is back. I miss Punk’s already.

Punk, Otunga, Harris, McGuillicutty, and the mystery man from last week make their way down to the ring. As they make their way into the ring, Edge stands by the laptop, watching them. McGuillicutty passes Punk a mic.

Punk takes it, saying that in this world, only the strong survive, and the strong survive just not from being strong, they don’t survive just from sheer will power, they survive because they evolve. Last week, it was announced that the Royal Rumble match will have forty Superstars, making it the biggest Royal Rumble match in the history of the Royal Rumble. So, as he sees his surroundings change, he adapts, because he is change. He sees the Royal Rumble expand, so the new Nexus evolves. Last week, we saw the new Nexus expand with the inclusion of the mystery Batista. He was hand-picked by Punk from Cardiff, Wales, and he is Mason Ryan. Funny how Punk’s hand-picked guy kicked him in the face.

Mason takes the mic and says he only has one thing to say: Faith.

Punk says that he doesn’t think he could have said it more eloquently. Faith. These men we see are bonded by faith, and unlike John Cena, and the faithless, fake, poor-man’s Nexus on Smackdown!, their faith, come Sunday, will be rewarded. Because they will unite for the common good, for one common goal, and that is for CM Punk to become the winner of the 2011 Royal Rumble Match. Nexus nods along, but will they stay faithful? Punk says that when he wins the 2011 Royal Rumble, he will not only go on to headline Wrestlemania, but the new Nexus will become the most powerful group the WWE has ever laid eyes on.

We are interrupted by the Corre, made of Wade Barrett, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, and Ezekiel Jackson. Barrett explained on Smackdown! That he is not the leader of this group; it is a group of equals.

Barrett says to clarify something: the only poor man’s Nexus is the new Nexus. The Corre is nothing like the Nexus. It’s not some brainwashing dictatorship, it’s about four equals. Zeke says at the Royal Rumble, they will try to win the match for themselves, they will unite to make sure to eliminate CM Punk. Mason Ryan jumps in front of Punk and gets in Zeke’s face (never a good idea), and the two have a stare down.

“If I’m going to give Smackdown! Superstars an open invitation to come to RAW, they will have to play by my rules. With Teddy Long unfortunately sidelined, I have the authority to make this very special match. Corre member and former Nexus leader Wade Barrett will face current Nexus leader CM Punk. Whoever loses will see himself, and his entire group, out of the Royal Rumble match. And gentlemen, one last thing: The special guest referee for this Barrett vs Punk match tonight will be someone you’re both extremely familiar with. The guest referee will be John Cena.”

So… Who’s more screwed?

@Niki_Sushi Yeah, Zeke scares me more than Beardtistacles. #BWF #RAW

@TKeep123 OMG.. Mason Ryan is the love child of Batista and Wade Barrett!!! #RAW #WWE #BWF

@JonHexLives I’ve finally figured it out. A computer program is the general manager. #WWE #RAW #BWF

@KeepItFiveStar The Corre looks weird without any shirts or armbands. And Ezekiel Jackson just looks scary.

@seraphalexiel We’re the Corre. We promote bad spelling and Heath Slater. Of course you should get behind us

@HitTheRopes Okay, shake the ropes violently, Mason Ryan. Go ahead. You know you want to. #WWE

@kickoutblog Well that worked out best: Swagger, Kidd or McIntyre as #40 would’ve been incredibly anticlimactic. #RAW

John Morrison and Mark Henry vs. Sheamus and Alberto del Rio

The match starts with Rio and Morrison starting it off. The two lock up, and Rio gets Morrison in the corner already. The ref separates them, but Rio kicks back quick, throwing Morrison face-first into the turnbuckle, and then staying on him. He drags Morrison over to his corner and tags in Sheamus. Sheamus takes advantage and starts to throw Morrison into the other turnbuckle, but Morrison fights back hard, putting Sheamus in a head scissors and then hitting him with a dropkick before Morrison kicks out of the quick cover. Sheamus fights back and then tags in Rio. Rio Whips Morrison cross the ring, but Morrison ducks his clothesline and fights back well. Morrison gets advantage over Rio, but Sheamus pulls him out of the ring as Morrison goes for Starship Pain.

@ThingsColeSays TOO MANY LIMES, TOO MANY LIMES!

@KeepItFiveStar IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!!!!!!!

@Niki_Sushi Is anyone surprised? I believe we’ve seen more of Smackdown than RAW for the past two weeks.. #BWF #RAW

@kickoutblog Sheamus & Alberto Del Rio are the greatest foreign tag team since The Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff. #RAW

@TKeep123 That singlet does nothing to enhance Mark Henry’s …ummmm…. masculinity. #WWE #RAW #BWF

@Alexx_Raven: Morrison: Once you go black… You never go back.

@kickoutblog Pot O’Gold is the best suggestion I’ve seen so far for a Del Rio/Sheamus team.

We come back to Rio and Morrison in the ring, and Rio has Morrison in a headlock. Morrison fights out, but Rio drops him onto his head, and sends his knee repeatedly into Morrison’s spine. He goes into a quick cover, but Morrison kicks out at two. Rio drags Morrison to his corner, but Morrison fights his way back to the middle, only to get a sharp elbow to the spine. Rio tags in Sheamus, and Sheamus plays it to the crow-HOLY CRAP MICHAEL “SOUL EATER” TARVER IS WATCHING BACKSTAGE!

Anyway, Sheamus hits a clothesline on Morrison, and then stretches Morrison out. Sheamus gets Morrison into the middle of the ring, goes for a cover, but Morrison kicks out at two. Sheamus fights Morrison pretty hard, and then gets Morrison in another submission. Morrison struggles to fight out, hitting a swift kick before trying to gain momentum. Sheamus, however, plants Morrison, and goes for a cover, only for Morrison to kick out at two. Sheamus misses the Brogue Kick, but Morrison hits the flying Chuck. Both men are down in the middle of the ring and their partners reach for them.

Rio and Henry make their way in, and Henry drops his fist onto Rio’s head before head butting him a couple of times. Henry Whips Rio across the ring, and then bulldozes him, going for a cover. Sheamus breaks up the count, and Henry takes exception to this, sending Sheamus into the corner before he clotheslines Rio. Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick, but Morrison comes in and hits the flying Chuck again, before hitting a corkscrew move out of the ring. Rio runs in and gets Henry in the spinning armbar thing, and Henry taps.

Sheamus and Alberto del Rio win via submission.

Later on tonight, Wade Barrett and CM Punk will go one on one against one another, and the special guest referee will be none other than John Cena. And the loser? Their whole group is out of the Royal Rumble. But, up next, it’s the Diva’s Championship match!

@kickoutblog So sayeth the prophecy: “Upon his second coming, he shall watch a Mark Henry match.” #GuardYourSoul

@Niki_Sushi This just in. Soul Eater [Human Name: Michael Tarver] is back, and he’s hungry. #BWF #RAW #SucksToBeYou

@TKeep123 Sure looked like JOMO landed wrong on that knee… #WWE #RAW #BWF

Melina vs Natalya for the WWE Diva’s Championship

Random thought: How PG is it to promote a game that “You’re mom’s gonna hate it”?

Natalya and Melina lock up, and Melina shoves Natalya against the ropes before sending her right out to the floor. Melina throws Natalya back in, and slams her head against the mat. Melina keeps control over Natalya in the middle of the ring before going for the cover, only for Natalya to kick out. Melina puts Natalya in a viciously strange looking submission hold, but Natalya fights it and gets to her feet, running Melina into the corner. Natalya beats Melina up a little, and Melina kicks her in the head before Natalya drops her, and then does it again. Natalya went for that spinning clothesline, but Melina takes her down. Natalya takes a beating from Melina, but Natalya grabs Melina’s leg and lock sin the Sharpshooter, bending herself all the way over, and Melina is forced to tap out.

WWE Diva’s Champion Natalya wins via submission.

However, LayCool cuts Natalya’s victory celebration short.

McCool tells them to calm down, and says that they have good news. Layla says that in six days, Nattie’s going to lose some weight. McCool says that she’ll probably have to shop in the plus size division for the rest of her life. They’re not talking about actual body weight, they’re talking about their Diva’s Championship. Layla points out they never got their Championship rematch, and McCool says Sunday, they’re going to bring the Diva’s Championship back from being classless, to being flawless.

Still to come, the World Heavyweight Champion Edge takes on the WWE Champion, The Miz.

@Niki_Sushi That end was a credit to Melina’s flexibility, as she didn’t snap in half. #BWF #RAW

@HitTheRopes The way Melina can bend, it just leaves a lot to the imagination. #wwe

@kickoutblog (secretly hoping for Kong to interfere in this match and destroy them both… Sorry Natalya)

@KeepItFiveStar And here we go! The slap happy Melina vs. the awkward screaming Natalya!

@JonHexLives Best. Sharpshooter. Ever. #WWE #RAW #BWF

@KeepItFiveStar Shouldn’t Beth Phoenix be getting title shots? She’s actually been winning

Backstage, Otunga is stirring up more trouble, and is pointing out that if Punk loses, then they’re all screwed. Punk says that he’s sensing a lot of negative energy, and he doesn’t like it. Punk point sout that last week he made a sacrifice, to Mason Ryan, and took a kick in the face to beat John Cena. Come Sunday, Ryan will make his sacrifice, as will all of them, to sacrifice their spot to win the Royal Rumble match, to insure that he does. He says that when he wins, when he main events Wrestlemania, all of their lives change. Punk breaks off and looks at Husky. Harris says that there are forty people in the Royal Rumble match. What if Punk comes out first, and the Nexus doesn’t come until, say, 20^th, and he’s already eliminated? Ryan tells him CM Punk will not be eliminated. Punk tells them to maintain the Corre so he can beat Nexus. Punk says that he doesn’t expect Cena to LET him win, he’s going to win because he’s better. Besides, Barrett has been making Cena’s life hell. He then tells them to have faith, and then tells them to take a knee. He extends his fist, and the others do as well.

Backstage, Josh Matthews is interviewing Cena, who punches him, yet again. Matthews has to be sick of that. Matthews asks what his mindset will be for the main event, and Cena says that as an official he’s recognized for doing the same thing. He says that if Punk wins, he has faith that he will eliminate each and every member of the new Nexus. If Barrett wins, he has to deal with the Corre, and points out that it has an extra r, and it stands for –

He’s interrupted by Miz, who fakes a laugh. Miz says he can’t believe Cena’s attitude about the Royal Rumble match. Winning the Royal Rumble match could be the worst thing that has ever happened to them should they choose to face him. Did Cena not see how he gave Orton the worst beating of his life? Or the beating he’s going to give that second-rate Champion Edge? Cena asks him to try to give him the worst beating of his life. Cena points out that The Miz could lose to Randy Orton, and could lose his rematch, and they must-see their way to a shower. Miz asks Matthews if he thinks he’s going to lose, but Miz interrupts him before he can answer. Miz asks the crowd, and they answer yes. Miz asks Riley if it’s ready, and Riley says to roll the footage. Hey, G! Think you can get me a .gif of Miz and Riley laughing??

AWESOME!

WWE Champion The Miz with Alex Riley vs World Heavyweight Champion Edge

Before the match begins, Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero make their way out to the ring as well, and Dolph joins on commentary, with Vickie.

Miz and Edge, start to lock up, but Miz misses two kicks. Edge continues to deftly avoid all of Miz’ attempts, but catches Miz’ foot and gets the advantage, backing Miz into a corner. He Whips Miz across the ring and then sends his elbow into Miz’ face. He kicks Miz in the stomach, and then head butts him. Miz fights back, however, and elbows him. Once again, however, Miz misses his kick. Miz and Edge lock hands and Edge twists Miz’ arm behind his back. Miz tries to lift Edge, but can’t get him up. Edge fights back and sends Miz right over the top rope.

@RhymesWithPen Vickie Guerrero looks way better in tights than Jerry Lawler ever did

@kickoutblog I love Dolph Ziggler’s business casual + hoodie attire.

@Niki_Sushi Hey. GM. Do your damn job and chase away Smackdown. Gawd, such a failure turtle. #BWF #RAW

@kickoutblog The Miz has bigger fish to fry than John Cena anyway, he’s got a World Champion to beat.

We come back to Edge immediately going for a cover on Miz, but Miz kicks out at two. Miz gets the advantage, however, attacking the injured ribs of Edge before hitting him with a kick in the face. Miz goes for a cover, but Edge kicks out at two. Miz puts his knee in Edge’s back and then pulls him back, and I’ma punch this cameraman. I don’t care about Dolph and Vickie, thank you. Edge fights out, however, and Miz drops him right onto his back with his own hair. Miz keeps the advantage, and Whips Edge across the ring, but Edge hits a swinging neckbreaker on Miz. Miz starts to get up and Edge sets up for the Spear, but Miz rolls out of the ring first. Edge, however, follows, and Miz attacks the ribs again, before Whipping him, only to get it countered and for Miz to be sent to the barrier. Riley’s on the outside, keeping an eye on things. Edge throws Miz back into the ring. Edge climbs up to the top rope, and Miz fights him up there, going for a suplex, but Edge holds on, fighting to get Miz back to the mat. Edge gets ready, and hits a cross body on Miz, but Miz kicks out of the cover on two. Edge throws Miz into the corner, and then across the ring into the corner. Edge goes to do it again, but Riley helps Miz get out of the way. Miz gets Edge up and slams him, ribs first, into the top rope.

@RhymesWithPen The World Champion is currently wrestling the WWE Champion and all Lawler cares about is making Vickie fat jokes … #IWantWrestling

@JonHexLives Why is Alex Riley wearing Sheamus-tinted boots? #WWE #RAW #BWF

@KeepItFiveStar TWO COMMERCIAL BREAKS?! *Monocle drops* UNHEARD OF!

@kickoutblog THEY JUST WENT TO COMMERCIAL! COME ON!

Jesus, we come back to Miz going for a cover, Edge kicking out, Miz beating Edge then going for a cover, then Edge kicks out, then Miz starts beating on Edge again. Miz is doing something with the bandage for a minute there, and then wraps his legs around Edge’s ribs. Dolph needs to shut the fuck up. Edge did something and dropped Miz almost literally onto his head. Edge hits something else, but I didn’t see it. Edge is fighting back hard, and this a clothesline on Miz. Edge drops Miz, and then goes for a cover, but Miz kicks out at two. Miz drives his shoulder into Edge’s ribs repeatedly for a minute, before running across the ring, missing the swinging corner clothesline. Edge goes for a cover, but Miz kicks out at two, and Alex Riley distracts Edge. Edge climbs back into the ring, and Miz grabs him, going for a quick cover, but Edge kicks out at two. Miz Whips Edge, misses a clothesline, but manages to hit Riley with the baseball slide, before Edge drops Miz back to the mat. Edge crawls back and sets up the Spear, and I think I just heard Dolph drop the headset. I did.

WWE Champion The Miz wins via disqualification.

Ziggler grabs Edge as Edge goes for the Spear, and hits the Zig Zag on Edge. However, Orton is out next, and Ziggler attacks Orton, as well as Riley. Orton hits a vicious scoop slam on Ziggler, and Miz tries to take off, but Orton grabs him and beats him up. Miz runs into the ring, and Orton hits an RKO on Riley, then on Ziggler. Miz comes in and hits Orton in the knees with Riley’s briefcase before he grabs the WWE Championship and heads on out.

@KeepItFiveStar Oh no! It’s never a good day when Miz misses the clothesline

@Lunna1969 i love when Randy does the scoop slam! it always looks so smooth! #WWE #RAW #BWF

@kickoutblog Also, if this whole wrestling this doesn’t work out, Miz should totally sell a licorice candy called Mizzlers.

We come back to Matthews asking Barrett what the difference is between nexus and The Corre. Barrett says that when he first formed Nexus, he got too close to the WWE Championship and lost sight of his original goal, and lost the Nexus. But, every cloud has a silver lining, and he’s a member of The Corre. The Corre doesn’t have leadership issues or against John Cena being the special guest referee. Matthews says that people are pointing fingers at The Corre as being responsible for the attack on Teddy Long. Barrett stops him and says that he wishes Long a speedy recovery. Their goal for today is to make sure that Punk and Nexus are out of the Royal Rumble. As for Cena, Barrett hopes that Cena can respect him as he respects Cena.

United States Champion Daniel Bryan and the Bella Twins vs Ted DiBiase, Maryse, and Alicia Fox

Bryan and DiBiase are going to start it out, and Bryan fights out of DiBiase’s headlock quickly, and Bryan sends DiBiase to the mat. As the men are getting ready to work, Maryse tags herself in, and one of the Bellas and Maryse starts out. Bella 1 sends Maryse to the mat, and Bella 2 distracts Bella 1 from the whole thing, and Maryse takes advantage with a quick pinfall.

Ted DiBiase, Alicia Fox and Maryse win via pinfall.

The Bellas are fighting, and Daniel doesn’t look like he knows what the fuck to do. Get used to it, Bryan.

Still to come, Punk v Barrett.

@KeepItFiveStar Ted DiBiase, Maryse and Knuckles from Sonic The Hedgehog vs Darling Nikki, that other twin and Daniel Bryan!

@HitTheRopes Wow, two matches involving Divas on one Raw. #Shocked

@Niki_Sushi Aaaaaaaaand there goes the good mood. Nastiness Personified vs Sexy People. Sigh. #BWF #RAW

At the Royal Rumble, Randy Orton and The Miz will go head to head for the WWE Championship! Dolph Ziggler and Edge will duke it out for the World Heavyweight Championship! LayCool will meet Natalya for the WWE Diva’s Championship, and it is a first-ever Forty Man Royal Rumble Match!

Backstage, the Bellas are fighting each other about who is better for Bryan, or whatever is important to them. Tarver watches them argue for a moment before he walks away, and both are ridiculously unaware of how lucky they are to have not gotten their souls stolen. However, They enter Daniel Bryan’s locker room to see him and Gail Kim kissing. Haha, you whores. Bryan says that he and Gail have been dating for six months. Gail says that with no guest stars around they have nothing to do. Gail gets up in their faces and slaps one, and then is sent in the corner by the other one. Referees have to break them apart, because Gail is gonna break her heel off in their asses.

The new Nexus, without Punk, makes their way to the ring.

@HitTheRopes Michael Tarver continues to pop up in random spots. #wwe

@Niki_Sushi So. Gail kinda just went up about 100% on the ‘DAMN’ meter, ya think? Such a shame that she has bad taste in men. #BWF #RAW

@divadirt “Because there’s no guest stars around, you guys really have nothing to do?” says Gail re. the Bellas. Oh snap! #WWE

@seraphalexiel IF THIS MEANS GAIL KIM WRESTLING, THEN I FORGIVE THAT LAST MATCH

@HitTheRopes Holy hell, something for Gail Kim, yay! #wwe

@KeepItFiveStar OHHHH SHIT! GAIL KIM WITH THE SHOOT COMMENT

This Sunday, Edge and Randy Orton will come together as a tag team once again to take on The Miz and Dolph Ziggler!

Michael McGuillicutty and Husky Harris with Mason Ryan and David Otunga vs WWE Tag Team Champions Vladimir Kozlov and Santino Marella with Tamina

McGuillicutty and Kozlov start things off with McGuillicutty losing his mind all over Kozlov. Kozlov fights back, however, and tags in Marella, who drops McGuillicutty to the mat and puts him in a headlock. McGuillicutty fights out of it, however, and sends Santino into the corner. Santino tries to jump up on McGuillicutty, who isn’t there, and McGuillicutty takes advantage, sending Santino to his corner. Harris is tagged in and stops on Santino before picking him up and dropping him real fucking fast. Harris goes for a quick pinfall, but Santino kicks out at two. Harris keeps him in the middle of the ring in a headlock, and then Santino flips Harris over him. Harris takes exception to this, and drops Santino, before going for a cover, but Santino kicks out. Santino continues to take abuse from Harris, who has him in a headlock in the middle of the ring. Santino fights to his feet, and both men are down. Santino manages to make it over to Kozlov, but before he can tag, Harris sends Kozlov off the apron. Santino starts to get momentum, and avoids his moves. He starts to flip Harris, but instead hits Harris’ knee. Santino sets up the Cobra, and McGuillicutty starts to get in, distracting Santino, while Harris takes advantage. Harris hits some kind of harsh-looking move and pins Santino for the win.

Michael McGuillicutty and Husky Harris win via pinfall.

Otunga takes the mic and asks for a hand for the new Nexus, but gets boos. He says that he wants everybody to give a warm welcome to the man who has sacrificed so much for them, a man who they will sacrifice for this Sunday and help propel to victory at the 2011 Royal Rumble match. Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for their leader, CM Punk. As CM Punk makes his way to the ring, Cena is backstage and is handed a referee shirt. He tosses his dog tags to the guy that gave him the shirt and makes his way to the ring.

@kickoutblog Michael Tarver should’ve handed John Cena his ref shirtt.

@TKeep123 All HAIL…..SANTINO !!!! Can Nexus handle The Cobra? #WWE #RAW #BWF

@KeepItFiveStar Wow. That belt has sucked out all of Tamina’s muscle. And for those keeping count, she’s wearing shoes.

CM Punk with New Nexus vs Wade Barrett with the Corre with Special Guest Referee John Cena

Haven’t done this in a while, so:

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR SCRAP YER POO!!!

Wait, where’s the ref shirt he was just handed? Oh, it’s under. Okay.

Cena, before the match is even started, sends the New Nexus backstage and away from ringside. The Corre is clapping, but that shit won’t last. Punk looks greatly upset. Cena seems to be distracted by the Cena chants, and sends The Corre backstage next. Told ya so.

Cena finally calls for the damn bell… and then steps between them, and shoves Punk backwards. Punk goes to attack him, and points out that he’s the ref. Then, he slaps Barrett, and points out he’s the ref. So, Punk attacks Barrett instead. Cena stands across the ring and just stands there so that Punk can attack Barrett as he wants. Punk sends Barrett out of the ring and gets in Cena’s face and yells at him, but Cena doesn’t seem fazed. He then sends Punk over the top rope, and Punk runs in, pissed, but stops himself before he hits Cena. Barrett, however, comes back in and attacks Punk, hitting a hard sidewalk slam. Cena then ignores the cover and goes out to the side and signs a few autographs, pretending that he forgot there was a match going on. Punk and Barrett are trying to wrestle, and knock each other down. Cena calls for the bell.

Cena then says that both teams are disqualified for excessive use of profanity on a PG show, and neither team is going to the Royal Rumble. And then Cena laughs. And Punk and Barrett are pissed.

“What we have just witnessed was a blatant abuse of power. Now, I can’t change the referee’s decision of this double disqualification, but I can change the consequences. Therefore, CM Punk, Wade Barrett, and their respective teams, will all compete in the Royal Rumble match Sunday. And in addition, if John Cena does not go into the ring and apologize to both Wade Barrett and CM Punk, right now, John Cena, you will be the one out of the Royal Rumble match.”

Cena’s pissed about this, and Punk and Barrett like this way too damn much. Cena pulls off his ref shirt and walks back to the ring. He slides in and stands between the two of them. He apologizes to Punk, then to Barrett, and then attacks them both. And then The Corre makes their way back down to the ring before the New Nexus follows. Cena watches both teams, but the teams seem more weary of each other than they do Cena. McGuillicutty stars to attack, and then Big Show, Bryan, Morrison, Tatsu, Henry, Kozlov, Marella, and some other people, I’m sure, start coming out. Oh, there’s Truth too.

Anyway, there’s RAW for ya. Decent build up for the Royal Rumble, though I think everyone was busier talking about Gail Kim and Daniel Bryan. Anyway, hope you all enjoy your week.

SmackDown! (01/21/11): Rotten To The…

12:09 pm 8 Comments

We begin with a look back last week at the emergence of Wade Barrett’s new-ish faction; Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel and the returning Ezekiel Jackson. Tonight, we will hopefully gain some knowledge of the group; perhaps a name?

Barrett kicks off the show by coming down to ringside with his cronies in tow. Unfortunately, the terrible music from last week remains. Maybe it’ll grow on me? Wade announces that Big Show will not be in attendance this evening, so the WWE Universe will be formally introduced to this new group. He says his mistake with Nexus was that it was all about him, rather than the group – this is what will be different about this new venture, which he reveals is called ‘The Corre’. Hmm. That just makes me think of apples. Anyone else? Still, at least it’s not ‘Nexus 2,’ or anything to that effect.

Ezekiel Jackson is next on the mic; he’s not bad, but lacks the air of menace that is so fundamental to his character. Slater is all brag and swag. I like this kid far more than I did during his NXT tenure, but it’s hard to take him seriously – perhaps the blue brand will let the ‘One Man Rock Band’ prove himself in the ring. Finally, we have Justin Gabriel, who should never ever shave off his beard. Seriously. Never. I’m pleased to say that Justin seems to have gained confidence on the mic. It’ll be interesting to see how Gabriel factors into SmackDown!, considering that – Barrett aside – he received perhaps the best treatment in the original Nexus. Not only did the 450 Splash provide the ‘exclamation point’ of the group’s attacks; Gabriel also had a great match with John Cena last year on RAW.

The group are soon interrupted by Teddy Long. The SmackDown! GM decides to flex his authoritative muscle by threatening to pull the group from the roster if they orchestrate any other beatdowns akin to last week’s attack on Big Show. During this exchange, Wade Barrett made mention to the fact that all 4 members of The Corre will be competing in the Royal Rumble match – perhaps we’ll see a confrontation between Nexus and The Corre? Could be interesting.

Just as Teddy Long makes his exit, Alberto Del Rio’s music hits. Del Rio tells The Corre they are welcome on SmackDown!, but this is still his show. He makes yet another claim that he will win the Rumble match this Sunday. Big promises…

Alberto Del Rio vs. R-Truth: R-Truth is over from RAW, much to the delight of the piped-in audience sound effects. Perhaps that’s not very fair – Truth is evidently over with this Oklahoma crowd, although it seems a slightly cooled reception compared to usual. Around halfway through the match, the cameras cut backstage to medics crowding round Teddy Long, who is mounted on a stretcher – looks like The Corre got to the GM, perhaps? Back to the match, and Ricardo Rodriguez continues to earn his paycheck; a timely distraction allows Del Rio to lock in the Cross Armbar and make R-Truth tap. Your winner: Alberto Del Rio

We’re treated to another ‘It’s all about the numbers’ promo for the Royal Rumble match. Needless to say, I am hugely excited. Who do you think will win the match? Let me know your predictions in the comment box!

Layla vs. Beth Phoenix: One of the great things about Beth is the unusual moves she can both deliver and receive – early on in this bout, Layla hits what I can only (try to) describe as a springboard tornado reverse STO… I’m almost certain at least one part of that description is wrong – let me know! All the same, before long, Beth takes Layla out with the Glam Slam. Your winner: Beth Phoenix

Rey Mysterio vs. Dashing Cody Rhodes: The Dashing One quickly gets to work on Rey’s left knee, but Rey soon turns the tide by sending Cody face-first into the steel steps with a drop toe-hold. Not the face, Rey! Jeez! He continues his assault on Cody’s face with a 619. One top-rope splash later, and we have a winner. A trainer appears to check on Cody – it looks like Rey’s knee brace may have broken Cody’s nose. Y’know, despite the complete lack of blood, of course. Your winner: Rey Mysterio

Todd Grisham is backstage to update us on Teddy Long’s condition. I still can’t look him in the eyes without feeling pangs of guilt… Before Grisham can give us the news, however, he is interrupted by The Miz and Alex Riley. Apparently the two men will be appearing later on in the show. Michael Cole is suitably gushing.

Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Kingston: This is an ‘Amateur Wrestling Challenge,’ apparently. The piped cheering is really in force as Kingston makes his entrance. Swagger looks incredibly gormless in his headgear and mouthguard; it’s kind of endearing, to be honest. I’ve never really seen the point in these amateur matches in pro wrestling – there’s rules and points, but no incentive to familiarise yourself with them, particularly with only 3 minutes on the clock. Swagger eventually wins 10-9, after an awkward ‘who actually won?’ moment at the end. Despite winning, Swagger decides to beat down Kofi (I’m guessing Kingston was originally supposed to win?) but it’s not long before he is taken out with a Trouble In Paradise and high crossbody. Your Winner: Jack Swagger

Drew McIntyre vs. Trent Baretta: This little mini-feud has been one of my favourite things about SmackDown! as of late. I just hope the WWE keeps Baretta around – he’s a much better worker than some people give him credit for, as is evident with some of his spots in this match. Despite his short offensive flurry, he is soon on the mat for the 3-count. After getting the pin, McIntyre offers his hand to Baretta who instead launches at Drew, knocking him through the ropes. Uh-oh. Drew runs back into the ring and begins a beatdown, but Kelly Kelly soon appears to stop him. Your winner: Drew McIntyre

The Miz comes out to ringside to bleat about the way he took care of Randy Orton on RAW. Before he can finish his catchphrase, Edge’s music hits. The two men will meet on Monday night, which has the potential to be a great bout. Both men talk trash, with The Miz eventually relenting and leaving the ring. Alex Riley looks to have a go at Edge, but is quickly taken care of with a Spear.

Edge vs. Justin Gabriel: As Barrett and co. come down to ringside, the Tron displays their name as ‘The Corre,’ which was a pain because I had to go back through the article and add a letter to every ‘Core’ I’d typed! All the same, Vickie Guerrero appears before the bell to introduce Dolph Ziggler as a guest commentator for the match. This match culminates in some predictably dirty tactics from Corre – Wade Barrett and Heath Slater are knocked from the apron, which allows Big Zeke to take Edge out with a clothesline while the ref is distracted. Justin Gabriel crawls over and gets the pinfall… from a clothesline? Post-match, all Corre members hit their finishing manoeuvres on the Rated R Superstar. Not bad for their debut proper. Your winner: Justin Gabriel

That’s it for another week – make sure to check back again before the Royal Rumble for some pre-PPV predictions. Cheers!

Power Poll: January 21st, 2011

January 22, 2011 1:23 am Leave a Comment

Back for another installment of the Power Poll! There was some significant movement for some grapplers, and very little for others. Let’s get to it!
(more…)

RAW 1.10.11

January 10, 2011 11:27 pm 3 Comments

Hello everyone! Terribly sorry about my absence the last two weeks, but things were crazy. Huge thank you to G for taking over the RAW review when my brother came in, and sorry about no RAW review being up last week. Turns out, the boss man, ThinkSoJoE, is having some computer problems, so no one was able to cover. BUT THAT’S OKAY! We’re here now! Or, at least, I am.

Tonight, Punk takes over as leader of the Nexus, and John Cena’s going to confront him for the first time since Punk showed interest two weeks ago! And I’ve been hearing rumors about a Hall of Fame nomination!

Strangely enough, we start out Monday Night RAW with a tag team title match! … No opening promo?!

WWE Tag Team Champions Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov with Tamina vs ??? for the WWE Tag Team Championship

Before their opponents can even be announced, Nexus comes out and demolishes the tag team championships. Tamina is nowhere to be seen, and Punk enters the ring rather calmly, watching the chaos. Nexus clears the ring of the champs, thus answering my question about an opening promo. Turns out we’re gonna get one.

Punk says that he’s sorry and I notice he’s wearing black and yellow shoes. He says that the tag team title match is rescheduled for a later date. Ever since Nexus has made its impact on RAW, it’s been the most dominant force the WWE has ever seen. And, as scary as it sounds, they are even stronger now. He tells Nexus that each and every single one of them has the ability and chance to shine brighter than any other Superstar in history. He can give them the chance to succeed, and says that Barrett consistently failed at setting any kind of example. Two weeks ago, Punk single-handedly put Cena out of the equation. That’s right, their hero in all of his broken down hero will appear tonight. Cena will, he’s hoping, deliver a tear-jerking encore farewell speech tonight. Cena’s days of Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect are over, while Punk’s are just beginning. And then, the coup de gras later tonight, in an act of selfless leadership, Punk will make the ultimate sacrifice when he initiates himself the new leader of the new Nexus. But, he’s getting ahead of himself. His won’t be the only initiation tonight. Each one of the Nexus must prove to themselves, the group, to Punk, to these ‘worthless people’ that they have what it takes to belong in the new Nexus. If they all pass, the Nexus will be at the apex of their power, and they will not only take over RAW, but the WWE entirely.

Otunga takes the mic, damn it, and Otunga says that he speaks for all of Nexus and they would be honored to be initiated into the new Nexus tonight. Punk says that the honor will all be his. Punk starts with McGuillicutty, and says that he’s up first. He knows, Punk knows, the people knows, that Nexus is famous for these group attacks. They’ve beaten down Hall of Famers, the Chairman, and John Cena too. McGuillicutty’s initiation is to be on the receiving end of a beat down. Husky’s name is called and he’s told to start it. Husky looks at McG for a minute, Otunga takes the initiative and starts it, dropping him. Slater asks what the hell he just did, and Punk goads Slater into action. Husky looks at him again, and then drops himself onto McGuillicutty. Husky and Otunga move McGuillicutty to the corner, and Punk leads Gabriel up to the corner, where the Axe Murderer of Nexus Gabriel stands up and hits the 450 Splash. Punk kneels in front of McGuillicutty, and Nexus puts him on Punk’s shoulders, and Punk finishes it off with the Go to Sleep. Punk leaves, and Nexus carries the unmoving McGuillicutty off.

@Niki_Sushi ‘It wasn’t your turn! >:O’ ‘YOU TOOK TOO LONG!’ #BWF #RAW

@HitTheRopes David Otunga speaks for no one. Not even for himself. We all know, J-Hudson speaks for him.

@kickoutblog CM Punk is the only one with the right to wear pants though.

@StrikerSays Is The Nexus going to be CM Punk’s new SES? Are they all going to shave their heads?

@CMPunkSays Screw your tag team titles, it’s NEXUS TIME! #WWE

@Lunna1969 Isn’t that how gangs do their initiations? #WWE #RAW #BWF

@JonHexLives Nexus CM Punk shirts! #WWE #RAW #BWF

DAMN IT! R-TRUTH IS BACK!

R-Truth vs Alberto del Rio

If del Rio honks that horn one more time, I’m bitch slapping his face off.

Truth goes for del Rio, but del Rio moves, and Truth chases him, throwing him into a corner and then yelling WHAT’S UP at the crowd. Del Rio is sick of Truth’s shit and gets the momentum before going for a cover, but Truth kicks out at two. Is it just me, or does the arena look smoky? Anyway, del Rio Whips Truth, then misses a clothesline. Truth counters with a head scissors and then clothesline. Truth runs back at del Rio, and clotheslines him out of the ring, sending them both to the floor. The ref starts a count, and it takes a few minutes before either man moves. Del Rio attacks Truth, who attacks back. But, Ricardo Rodriguez starts yelling at Truth, and Truth gets counted out thanks to that.

Alberto del Rio wins via count out.

Del Rio takes the mic and says that’s another victory for him! But we already know that. We also know that his destiny is to win the Royal Rumble, and headline Wrestlemania. Okay, he knows that’s a different story, because tonight they’re in Nashville! The music city? Oh, you silly, silly, Americans. You don’t know anything about music. You don’t know anything about culture. Oh, del Rio, these people will kill you outside the arena. All they know is about their Justin Biebers, Idols, hip-hop, and that horrible and boring country music. This is a bad place to diss country music… In Mexico, they know about music. They know about culture. He says to allow a man with many attributes to show them real music, mariachi music! He motions to Ricardo and asks him to sing. Ricardo says that he can’t sing, probably thanks to that hit he just took to the face, and del Rio asks nicely. Ricardo takes the mic and sings La Cucaracha. Which I learned in Spanish. He’s really not that great at it, but I can’t blame him.

Two weeks ago, Punk gave Cena a Go to Sleep, and tonight, Cena is going to confront him. Holy crap, Ricardo is jamming. Tonight, we have to watch yet another John Morrison and King Sheamus match. Goodie. Why am I always covering RAW when people who can’t sing try to? Anyone remember Mark Henry rapping?

@KeepItFiveStar “And I haven’t even started yet!” You have started! You’ve been doin this shitty song for like 5 years!

@Niki_Sushi DAMMIT! Just when I thought I escaped it! Truth, how bout you go to TNA too? CAROLINA CONNECTION! :B #BWF #RAW

@kickoutblog Okay, if Del Rio starts winning every match by count-out, he’s going to become the world’s greatest asshole.

@typicalROHfan CAN DEL RIO RUN OVER R TRUTH WITH HIS CAR?

@JonHexLives I’m hoping Alberto Del Rio does at least one promo where he warms up like Ramses from NACHO LIBRE. #WWE #RAW #BWF

Jerry says that he’d be lying if he said he was fully recovered. Cole says that Randy will be sorely disappointed when he can’t take the WWE Championship from The Miz. Cole tells Jerry to apologize, but we have an email.

“Recently, Michael Cole has been on the receiving end of a lot of criticism. However, I support Michael Cole in every conceivable way. Even though, he’s a conceited, pompous, arrogant, self-centered, pretentious jerk. Okay, just kidding. The reality is that Michael Cole has done a phenomenal job and is the epitome of manhood. I wish we had more people like him, with the guts to stand up against popular opinion. Michael is an award winning journalist, a two-time Slammy award winner. He is witty, highly intelligent, and not to mention, handsome. Ladies and gentlemen, the highest honor one can achieve is to refer to themselves as a Cole Miner!”

Jerry finally interrupts, and my dinner stays in my stomach. Jerry says that he’s just received a message from the entire WWE Universe, and he quotes: “Will you please SHUT UP?” Really, Cole, nobody in their right mind would ever even think, say, or much less type, that Cole is handsome. What he really is is a coward. Cole says that Jerry can’t touch him or he’ll be ordered, but Jerry slams the laptop shut.

Cole says it still works.

“I assure you that Michael Cole is not a coward. And King, neither are you. That’s why I know that even though your body hasn’t fully recovered, you can’t wait to exact revenge. Therefore, tonight, WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley will take on the team of Jerry “The King” Lawler, and Randy Orton.”

Punk is backstage and says that McGuillicutty’s in and passed with flying colors. Husky’s next. His initiation, if he chooses to accept, is in his left hand. He will willingly, without reprisal, take three lashes from everybody, with… a strap? A belt? Something. Husky says he accepts. Punk tells him to take the shirt off. Husky takes the shirt off, and Otunga starts. Justin’s next, and doesn’t seem as anxious as Otunga was. Slater comes up, and seems more discontent with the belt than with Husky. Punk tells them to get Husky up and hold his arms. Then, Punk delivers eight quick snaps with the belt.

@RhymesWithPen CM Punk is treating Nexus like a frat, but lets be serious, no frat would ever allow Heath Slater to be a brother …

@KeepItFiveStar This is payback for the last week’s RAW/Smackdown with all that wrestling

@Niki_Sushi I have officially gotten to the point that until I see Cole, I literally can NOT hear him. I’ve blocked him out. #BWF #RAW

@kickoutblog Just when you thought it couldn’t get creepier than the opening segment, New Nexus turns to S&M

@jaded_prinz Ugh Raw has now turned into mini Bondage bear porn featuring a submissive Husky Harris lol

@dasharpshooters I guess Husky couldn’t remember the safe word. #wwe #raw

United States Champion Daniel Bryan and Mark Henry with The Bella Twins vs Ted DiBiase and Tyson Kidd with Maryse

Bryan and DiBiase start out the match with Bryan dominating. However, Bryan gets distracted and goes to take Kidd out of the match, but DiBiase throws him out of the ring. Kidd sneaks in a hit real quick and then DiBiase brings Bryan back in. DiBiase tags in Kidd, who keeps Bryan in the corner. Kidd distracts the ref, and DiBiase chokes Bryan. Kidd tags in DiBiase, and DiBiase gets Bryan in the center of the ring with a headlock. Bryan fights out and bounces off the ropes, hitting a hard clothesline on DiBiase. Bryan tags in Henry, and DiBiase tags in Kidd. Kidd runs face first into a clothesline, and then is head butted to the ground. Twice. Kidd crawls away and Henry runs toward him in the corner, but Kidd dives over and tags DiBiase in. They hit a double dropkick, but Ted is hit by a clothesline and Kidd is hit by Bryan. Then, Henry hits the World’s Strongest Slam for the win.

Mark Henry and the United States Champion win via pinfall.

Later tonight, WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley will take on Jerry “The King” Lawler (again) and Randy Orton. We have The Big Show here tonight and we find out why next.

@kickoutblog No Jackson Andrews with Tyson Kidd, I’m sure that tells you all you need to know about his WWE future.

@TheMizMagnet: GODDAMN IT! JERRY! STOP FIGHTING MIZ! I HATE THESE MATCHES! *storms off* #BWF
@TKeep123 This whole RAW is from a bad parallel world.

@Niki_Sushi I’m not going to be happy with the Diva’s division until A) Bellas are fired for being stupid or B) Awesome Kong comes n eats them #BWF #RAW

@HitTheRopes A couple years ago Mark Henry would have been ALL over them twins. #wwe

@KeepItFiveStar Mark Henry continues to be a threat for the Royal Rumble

On NXT, that guy with the giant nose was eliminated, and Dolph Ziggler said that he was terrible, and basically sucked. Not like anyone cares about NXT.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, it’s a big show!

Between Alberto del Rio and The Big Show, we have been invaded by Smackdown. Awesome. And Show just wiggled his ass. I’m so sorry to that guy in the front row.

Show says thank you very much, and it’s great to be back on RAWR…er… RAW. He is here to discuss some issues. Number one is Wade Barrett. He finds it funny that last week Barrett is knocked out of Nexus, and this coming up Smackdown, he wants to knock Barrett out! Number two, the Royal Rumble. He’s letting every superstar know that they’re on notice. The Big Show is coming to the Royal Rumble and he’s not playing games, go on and main event Wrestlemania-

We walk alone…

Punk, Gabriel, Slater, and Otunga make their way out to the stage, and Punk looks at Otunga, as do the rest of Nexus. Otunga makes his way down to the ring, and this is apparently his initiation. He looks back at Punk, who merely stares at him, and then makes his way into the ring.

Show holds up a finger, and Otunga pushes it down and smacks Show’s ear. Show looks at him, and Otunga looks like he’s just offering himself up for a smack, but then Show kicks him and then throws him out of the ring. Show follows Otunga and chucks him over the announce table. Punk rips his shirt (DAMN IT!), and then delivers that massive slap on the announce table. Show yells at him, and then drops him right on the floor. Show slams Otunga into the steel steps, and then shoves him into the ring. He then choke slams Otunga. Show then delivers the knockout punch to Otunga. Punk, Slater, and Gabriel don’t move, except to raise their fists up. I guess Otunga passed.

Later, Cena will address Punk, and next up, John Morrison will take on King Sheamus.

@seraphalexiel I think you can get arrested for this type of hazing

@kickoutblog Seriously, if someone told me I could take 25 lashes from a leather belt or a 25% punch from Big Show, I’d ask for 50 lashes.

@KeepItFiveStar And now the WWE, and Jack Link’s present: Messin With Sasquatch

@RobMcNichol If Henry is Sexual Chocolate, Bryan Danielson must be Erotic Marshmallow.

John Morrison vs King Sheamus

Sheamus gets a good start in this match, but Morrison fights back, only to eat Sheamus’ knee with his stomach. Sheamus stomps on Morrison, and then continues to methodically pick Morrison apart before bouncing him off his knee. Sheamus goes for a cover, but Morrison kicks out at two. Sheamus puts his foot in Morrison’s throat and then steps off, dominating Morrison. Morrison tries to fight back, but Sheamus puts a stop to that with his elbow in Morrison’s face. Sheamus goes for a cover, but Morrison kicks out. Sheamus puts Morrison into a vicious looking hold that my brain refuses to give me a name for, but Morrison fights out, climbing up to his feet only to take a hit from Sheamus. Sheamus goes to knee Morrison in the stomach again, but Morrison goes for a cover. Morrison kicks out and picks up speed, getting the momentum. He this a heel kick to the jaw before Sheamus crawls into the corner. Sheamus, however, has none of that, and Morrison ends up on his stomach before kicking him again. Morrison plants his feet in Sheamus’ face, and then pulls himself up with a very on-PG pelvic thrust, but Sheamus shoves him out of the ring instead of facing up against Starship Pain.

Nobody tweeted anything that I could really use here, so here’s a picture for your entertainment.

We come back to Sheamus dominating Morrison again, but Morrison fights out of the headlock. He goes to Whip Sheamus, but Sheamus drops him onto his back and goes for the cover, only for Morrison to kick out at two. Sheamus holds Morrison’s head off the apron, and drops hard elbows onto Morrison before letting him roll back into the ring and going for another cover. Morrison kicks out at two again, and Sheamus puts him in another submission. Morrison fights to his feet, and then out of the hold, fighting back against Sheamus with quick punches and kicks. Morrison pulls Sheamus out of the corner, and then goes for the flash kick, but Sheamus ducks it. Sheamus runs across the ring at Morrison, but Morrison pulls down the top rope and sends Sheamus out. Morrison then jumps out of the ring, attempting a suicide dive, but Sheamus plants his knees into Morrison’s ribs. Sheamus then plants Morrison onto the steel steps, ribs-first, and rolls him into the ring. Sheamus gets ready to use the Brogue kick, but Morrison fell onto his ass, and Sheamus just kicks him in the back. Sheamus then puts Morrison on the top of the turnbuckle and climbs up after him, because this always ends well, , but Morrison drops onto the steps and puts Sheamus’ face into the steel post before hitting something I missed and winning.

John Morrison wins via pinfall.

Now we’re reminded of McGuillicutty’s initiation into Nexus, then Husky’s initiation, and then Otunga’s demise at the hands of The Big Show.

Punk is holding onto two Singapore canes, and says that Otunga did well and is in. Punk says that Slater and Gabriel’s initiations… He’s not going to beat them with the kendo sticks, my bad, and Punk says that they’re going to beat each other with the kendo sticks until he tells them to stop. Punk says he’s serious, and neither one looks like they want to do it, and this is going to be an EPIC LIGHTSABER DUEL! Neither one moves to do anything, and Punk just watches like, “you fucking babies” before he stops them. Punk says that if they’re not in, they’re out. He expects home runs from all his soldiers, so swing for the fences. Slater and Gabriel look at the frustrated Punk, weapons in hand, and Punk asks them if they’re going to hit him, then tells them to do it. They both drop the Kendo sticks, and then walk out of the locker room.

@TKeep123 Please…PLEASE hit Punk with those sticks! Get some balls! #WWE #RAW #BWF

@HitTheRopes It’s a light sabers duel. #StarWarsMeetsWWE

@Niki_Sushi Awwww! I’m so proud of Justin! Punk kinda looked like he was gonna eat their faces, though. #RUNFORTHEHILLS #BWF #RAW

@stephensonmc @JustinG_Nexus twirled his kendo stick like he was Obi-Wan #Raw

@YourBoyDrew So is anyone else convinced CM Punk runs a BDSM dungeon somewhere?

The first inductee into the Hall of Fame class of 2011 is about to be announced!

Jerry Lawler is in the ring and says that the greatest accomplishment of his career was being inducted into the Hall of Fame. So many individuals, even in childhood, dream of competing in the ring, and less that 100 of them have been inducted into the Hall of Fame. Hall of Famers share qualities like skill, drive, determination, charisma, and the respect of the WWE Universe, and the inductee he’s about to name, has earned the respect of the WWE Universe. He deserves, more than any other, to be a first ballot nominee. And it is the Heart Break Kid Shawn Michaels.

I think I’m cute… I know I’m sexy…

Holy shit, Shawn is there. I hate them right now. But it’s a personal thing. Just ignore me now.

Shawn takes the mic and motions for silence, but a one more match chant start-

Del Rio walks out, obviously not even caring. HE says his name is Alberto del Rio, and Shawn stares at him. Del Rio says that we already know that, and he, he is Shawn Michaels, the Heart Break Kid, the Legend, the Icon, the Showstopper. These people used to cheer Shawn. An HBK chant starts. Del Rio says but now, they cheer him. Which is greeted by a giant boo. It’s simple, del Rio says, that he’s the present and the future of the WWE. And Shawn is just history. After del Rio wins the Royal Rumble match, he’s going to win the Heavyweight or the WWE title, and after that, he will be known as the New Mr. Wrestlemania. And Shawn says nothing, just gives him a good dose of Sweet Chin Music. He then pockets his microphone like a gun, and makes sure his shoe isn’t scuffed up. Shawn then takes the scarf and dances his way back up the stage.

@FrankWWEClown Congratulations to @ShawnMichaels_ Can’t wait to be there live to see one of my childhood heros get inducted. #HBK #WWE #RAW

@Lunna1969 Omg I’m actually crying cause I’m so happy! Congrats @ShawnMichaels_

@TKeep123 HBK into the #WWE Hall of Fame! Works for me! Well deserved! #WWE #RAW #BWF

@CMPunkSays I am grinning my face off. #HBK #WWE

@Niki_Sushi I just joygasm’d right here. Very few people have done everything Shawn did and incited the same love and adoration he has. #ThankYouShawn

@Niki_Sushi Shawn, keep that scarf. You’ll need it for the weather down there. #BWF #RAW

@HitTheRopes Shawn Michaels didn’t plan on going hunting but he just bagged himself a wild Del Rio.

@KeepItFiveStar Alberto Del Rio and his scarf just got Sweet Chin Music! That’s unfair. The scarf had nothing to do with this!

@TKeep123 Is there anyone that doesn’t see Sweet Chin Music in ADR’s future? #WWE #RAW #BWF

@Saiyavenger Sweet Chin Music. Still epic in ways even complex flippy-dippy finishers only wish they could be.

@RingsideRants ADR had time to shower and put a suit on after his match, but Otunga couldn’t even change his shirt?

Riley is excited about Lawler and Orton being in the ring at the same time, but Miz doesn’t seem excited, and asks what’s wrong with Miz. Miz says that in two week’s time, he’s attacked a Hall of Famer and defended his title in a match that people should be talking about. But no, people are talking about Randy Orton. People are saying that it’s a fact that Randy will win The Miz’ championship at the Royal Rumble. NO matter what he does, people won’t give him the respect that he has earned. Tonight, in their match, he doesn’t just want to beat them, he wants to demoralize, embarrass, and hurt them, so they can show the world that the only fact is that he’s going to be the WWE Champion for a very, very long time. Alex starts to say his catchphrase, but Miz stops him and says that catchphrases are for closers, and he won’t’ say it until after he finishes Randy Orton tonight

Cole is in the ring and says that they are about to be joined by John Cena. Two weeks ago, John Cena was assaulted by the new Nexus and their soon-to-be new leader, CM Punk. Punk interrupts from on top of the tron, which is pretty badass. Punk says that they are through talking about John Cena, and this is the CM Punk show now. What he wants to talk about is the new Nexus. What tonight has shown is that McGuillicutty, Harris, and Otunga have proven themselves strong enough to be in the new Nexus. They sacrificed themselves through their initiations, and now he is prepared to do the same. His initiation will be the ultimate sacrifice, and it is his hope and dream that through his sacrifice, it will prove that not only was he a member of Nexus, but he was their leader. Should he dive off this tro- Jesus Christ Nashville wants death. Fucking hell. Punk asks if he should break every bone in his body, rupture every muscle, and Matthews says no. So do I. Punk spreads his arms, and pauses. He says there’s one question he needs to ask: How gullible are all of you people? He’s wearing a bright yellow harness. He has two guys spotting him. He’s safer there than anyone in their seats. He then says what kind of an idiot jumps off the tron? Consider themselves initiated, Nashville, they are all the biggest, mindless, group of sheep – JERICHO! – he has ever seen in his entire life. The injured, but members, of Nexus make their way out to the ring, short Gabriel and Slater.

Punk is in the ring now and says that if anyone watching actually thought he was going to jump off the tron, they are stupid. He takes off his shirt, and says that as we can see, he’s wearing a safety harness, and then says that someone who would consider doing such a rash thing, is mentally challenged (still hating on Jeff Hardy! =D), and he is mentally superior. There’s never been a thought in his mind to jump off the tron, he doesn’t need their approval or initiations, and he is the leader of the new Nexus. Punk says that Cena is no longer there. He got rid of Cena.

Cena’s voice comes and Cena says that he’s there, on that big screen you were gonna jump off of. Cena proceeds to insult him and that kind of thing, and says that he is wasting everyone’s time. Why would he bother to give the new Nexus a physical imitation? He’s already given them one. He said he would get his hands on each and every member of the Nexus, and he di-wait. There’s a new member he hasn’t managed to initiate, and that’s CM Sucks. Punk says he’s not afraid of John, and he will not stand in his ring on his show and be intimidated by John. John says prove it. Next week, CM Sucks faces John Cena in a match. Punk says that he accepts. Cena says he was hoping that Punk would. All those things Punk has been saying about Punk, they’re right. If you provoke him, he’s the most animalistic, brutal, violent, physical man on the planet. That means, next week, Punk gets dealt with. As sure as Cena wears purple and the sun rises in the morning, Punk gets dealt with. Next week, it’s not about t-shirts and armbands, it’s about him whooping Punk’s ass.

Up next, the WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley will take on Jerry “The King” Lawler and Randy Orton.

@Niki_Sushi What kind of idiot jumps off the Tron?! Me: Jeff Hardy? #BWF #RAW

@KeepItFiveStar “What kind of an idiot jumps off the tron?!” Jeff Hardy

@kickoutblog Punk is gonna Shane-O-Mac it up there.

@CMPunkSays I really wish John Cena wouldn’t bury the best thing in the WWE. That’s just… it’s just wrong.

@ThingsColeSays “CM Sucks” has to stop.

@kickoutblog John Cena’s been watching George Carlin.

@JonHexLives It’s like indie Punk has come back. #WWE #RAW #BWF

AWESOME!

The WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley vs Jerry “The King” Lawler and Randy Orton

Alex Riley and Jerry Lawler start the match, and Lawler goes for Miz, who jumps off the edge of the ring. Riley takes advantage and knocks Lawler down. Riley tags Miz in and Miz knocks Lawler across the ring. Lawler gets Miz down on the mat and begins to pound him. Miz runs out of the ring, but Lawler follows closely. Lawler then bounces Miz’ head off the announce table before sending him into the apron, and then into the steel steps. Miz rolls into the ring off a punch in the face, and then Miz sends his elbow into Lawler’s face and tags in Riley. Lawler sends Riley to the ground and tags in Orton. Riley backs away from Orton who follows, upper cutting him in the corner. The ref has to forcibly remove Orton from Riley, and Orton goes back, Whipping Riley across the ring, only to get a kick to the stomach. Miz is tagged in and hit with a clothesline before Orton stomps on Miz’ face once, then again. Orton then stomps on his stomach and steps on him, tagging in Lawler. Lawler gets Miz to his feet and punches Miz to his knees, twice, three times. King proceeds to unload on Miz in the corner, the referee having to force Lawler off. Miz retaliates with a kick to the face, and then goes over Lawler and punches him repeatedly, having to be forced off by the ref. Miz then sends Lawler to the mat before putting him in a headlock. Lawler fights up to his feet, but gets a knee to the midsection for his troubles. Miz then hits his swinging corner clothesline, sending Lawler face first into the mat.

@KeepItFiveStar C’mon Randy Orton. How you gonna wipe your mouth before coming out to wrestle? Didn’t wash your hands or anything.

We come back to Riley dominating over Lawler, and Riley runs shoulder first into the turnbuckle as Lawler rolls over, and nearly goes to tag in Miz. Riley runs to Lawler, and gets punched in the face for his troubles. Lawler reaches for Orton, but Riley tries to get Miz. Riley manages to tag Miz in, and Lawler technically tags in Orton, but Orton never saw it. Miz sets up the Skull Crushing Finale, but Orton gets in and manages to hit the RKO. Lawler goes for the cover as Orton hides behind the apron, and Riley breaks it up. Riley makes Miz tag him in, but Lawler manages to tag in Orton. Orton hits the scoop slam, and then the back breaker on Riley, all the while, keeping an eye on Miz too. Riley rolls under the ropes, but Orton grabs him and hits that DDT. He then hits the mat and sets up for the RKO. Miz tries to sneak in, but Orton sees him, and Miz slips back out. Riley stands up and tries for something, but Orton hits the RKO. Orton keeps his focus on Miz. Orton moves back and tags in Lawler while Orton stares at Miz. Lawler then drops his right hand on Riley for the win.

Randy Orton and Jerry “The King” Lawler win via pinfall.

Next week, CM Punk and John Cena will finally face off!!

Tonight’s RAW was made up for by the fact that del Rio got Sweet Chin Music’d by Shawn Michaels. And… I wasn’t fond of the main event, but I’m starting to get sick of Jerry wrestling. It’s a personal thing, I suppose. Anyway. We’ll see what happens next week! Later!

Rich Flynn’s “Smackdown” Report 12/31/10

January 2, 2011 5:48 pm 4 Comments

Hey, BWFers! Rich Flynn here, with a slightly delayed New Year’s edition of the SmackDown! report. Hope you all had a great Christmas and New Year; here’s hoping 2011 treats us all well.

For some reason, I thought we were getting two episodes of SmackDown! last week (the live episode on the Tuesday, then the regular Friday show), but apparently I was dreaming. All the same, let’s get started with the last show of 2010, shall we? (more…)

Tag Archive: John Cena

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