BWF Round Table – TNA’s “Turning Point” 2009
Leave a CommentLet’s see if the BWF site can show the Empress of “iMPACT” a bit more love than it did on Thursday night, and actually allow me to post the entirety of this. (more…)
Let’s see if the BWF site can show the Empress of “iMPACT” a bit more love than it did on Thursday night, and actually allow me to post the entirety of this. (more…)
“Bound for Glory” is TNA’s “Wrestlemania.” We’ve heard about the matches. We’ve made our predictions. Come with your Empress of “iMPACT” and cross the line!
It’s a bit late, but it’s here.
Surprise!
Join your Empress of “iMPACT” and cross the line! It’s time for some “Hard Justice,” and, porntastic though it sounds, it’s what we’ve got. Will Kurt Angle’s real-life arrest affect the main event title match? Will the introduction of “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero obliterate the actual X-Division? Will the Legends title match between Mick Foley and Kevin Nash scar your soul for life? Will Samoa Joe and Homicide unleash the nine levels of hell that we all know that they can? It’s showtime, folks!
The mechanized voice of Professor Stephen Hawking opens the show, with references to DNA. The opening video package focuses on Matt Morgan, then on Kurt Angle, and finally on the Angle/Morgan in-ring dispute that ended last week’s “iMPACT.” We go to the opening pyro, and the ring.
Match #1: Steel Asylum match for the Number One Contender to the X-Division title: The Motor City Machine Guns enter together, followed by Amazing Red, Daniels, Lethal Consequences, Suicide (who enters up from the floor out of a cloud of fog), and “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero. Dinero is a street preacher, according to Tenay and West. The Guns double-team Daniels, while Lethal, Creed, and The Pope climb the walls of the cage. Lethal Consequences double-team Red. Pope nails Lethal with a huge release suplex, but then falls victim to more Guns double-team goodness. Daniels overpowers Sabin, but Shelley stops Daniels with a top rope jawbreaker. Shelley hangs The Pope in the corner, but Suicide grabs him. Sabin kicks Suicide into The Pope to free Shelley. The Guns climb the walls, but run into trouble with Lethal and Daniels. Daniels and Lethal go at each other, and Daniels brings Lethal down to the mat. The Pope goes after Daniels, ducks a punch, and Daniels punches the cage. Both men hit the mat. Suicide goes after Shelley on the top rope, but Sabin runs up the ropes and throws Suicide over. The Guns double-team Lethal Consequences, but get attacked by Daniels and The Pope. Suicide lands a huge Tower of Doom powerbomb on Daniels, Red, and The Pope. Creed and Shelley go, and the Guns trap Lethal Consequences in submission holds, but the holds are broken. Shelley hits the Sliced Bread on Daniels, but Lethal takes down Shelley. Sabin takes down Lethal. Creed takes down Sabin. Red takes down Creed. Everyone makes it back up to climb the wall. Daniels takes The Pope down to the mat. Suicide and Creed hit the mat. The Guns take down Lethal. Red DDTs Sabin, then Shelley. Red climbs the wall, but Daniels is right behind him. Daniels hangs upside down from the roof by one leg after throwing Red to the mat. The Pope brings Suicide down, then drops to the mat to punish him further. Daniels extricates himself from the roof, and crawls through the roof to win.
Winner and #1 Contender to the X-Division title: Daniels
Jeremy Borash interviews Daniels about facing either Samoa Joe or Homicide at the next ppv. He has history with both of them, and whoever doesn’t lose tonight will lose to him next month. Daniels tells AJ Styles not to question himself, that he and the TNA fans are thinking of him. Tenay and West run down the rest of the card.
Lauren interviews Matt Morgan about his friction with Kurt Angle. Morgan wants to be in the MEM, but Angle is the one who jerked him around for weeks, getting him to do Angle’s dirty work. Tonight, Morgan rewards himself with the title that’s destined to be his.
Match #2: “$50,000 Bounty Challenge” match, Abyss vs. Jethro Holiday (w/ Dr. Stevie): Weapons are legal. Basically, no DQ. Holiday shows no fear, and lays into Abyss with shoulder blocks and chops. Abyss has none of it, and clotheslines Holiday to the floor. Holiday ducks and Abyss punches a ringpost. Holiday throws Abyss into the railing, and follows him around the floor. Abyss is rolled into the ring, and Holiday attempts a middle rope elbow drop, but misses. Abyss punches down Holiday, then leaves the ring to get a chair. Dr. Stevie tosses a police baton to Holiday, who uses it on Abyss. Dr. Stevie directs traffic, and Holiday knocks Abyss from the apron onto the railing. Abyss places the chair over Holiday and goes for a splash, but Holiday turns the chair sideways, and Abyss crotches himself on it. Holiday hits Abyss with the chair, and goes for the pin, but Abyss kicks out at two. Abyss throws Holiday head-first into the chair wedged into the corner, follows up with a chokeslam, but Holiday kicks out at two. Dr. Stevie interferes, and Abyss drags him in the ring by his hair. Holiday hits Abyss with a bulldog. Dr. Stevie tosses brass knuckles to Holiday. Holiday charges Abyss with the brass knuckles, but Abyss counters with a perfectly-timed Black Hole Slam. Abyss gets the pin and three-count. Post-match, Dr. Stevie gets in Holiday’s face, and Holiday lays out Dr. Stevie.
Winner: Abyss
JB interviews Kurt Angle, who is completely clean-shaven. Hmm. Angle claims that nothing Morgan has said or done has surprised him. Morgan is young, excited, and green. By the end of the night, after Angle talks to him, he’ll be thinking differently.
Match #3: Rob Terry vs. Hernandez: This match was for posession of the “Feast or Fired” briefcase containing the World Heavyweight title shot. Hernandez grabs a mic and says that the fans are his family, and the ring is his house. The British Invasion can either return his briefcase, or he’ll take it and walk out over all three of them. All three Brits rush the ring, and the match is on. Hernandez pins Rob Terry in about four seconds.
Winner and possessor of a World title shot: Hernandez
Lauren interviews Beer Money. James Storm says that they let Booker T and Scott Steiner beat them at their own game, which is winning at all costs. Robert Roode agrees, and says that they got soft by having emotions. Tonight, they go back to what they’re good at. Kicking ass and doing anything necessary to win.
Match #4: IWGP Tag Team title match, The British Invasion vs. Beer Money: Eric Young comes to the announce table wearing a suit to join the commentary team for the match. Beer Money enters first, and they have new music. The British Invasion enters without Big Rob Terry, as he has likely been forced to commit seppuku for shaming his people. Don West and Eric Young make nice while chatting. Loud crowd chants of “Wanker!” Funny. Storm and Magnus start off, and Storm dominates with punches. Magnus gets thrown to the outside, and Roode tags in. Roode lays into Magnus for a bit, then Doug Williams tags in. Williams and Roode trade punches and headlocks, showing off their respective power. Beer Money double-teams Williams. Storm gets a two-count on Williams. The Brits double-team Storm, but Storm clotheslines both guys at once. Magnus is thrown into Williams. Williams is hung in the Tree of Woe, and Magnus’s legs are pulled into the ring post. A new take on the “69” spot. The Brits recover, and work over Storm, particularly on the ankle. The Brits use quick tags to maintain the double-team on Storm. Magnus and Storm go. Magnus repeatedly slaps Storm, but gets knocked to the mat for his trouble. Storm tags in Roode, who lays out Williams and Magnus. Beer Money dominates again. Eric Young tosses one of the title belts into the ring, and while the ref threw the belt out, Magnus low blowed Roode, allowing The British Invasion to get the win. Post-match, Beer Money tries to attack Eric Young, but the Brits pull them off.
Lauren interviews ODB and Cody Deaner. She tries to ask what would happen if Cody Deaner gets the pin, and wins the Knockouts title. Lots of yelling and foolishness.
Match #5: ODB and Cody Deaner vs. The Beautiful People: This was a tag team match for the Knockouts championship. Don West’s commentary here was absolutely gold! Love and ODB start, exchanging pushes. ODB overpowers Love and slams her back-first into the ringpost. Love hits a bulldog on ODB for a two-count. Love tags in Sky, who kicks at ODB while screaming a lot. ODB tags in Deaner, who spanks Sky over the tope rope for a ten-count. Deaner tags in ODB and Sky runs to the other side of the ring and tags in Love. ODB misses a splash, and a red-assed Sky tags in and TBP double-team ODB. Love gets ODB in a sleeper hold, but ODB fights out and throws Love over in a suplex. ODB tags in Deaner, who faces off against Sky. Sky hits Deaner. Deaner kisses Sky. Sky hits Deaner. Deaner kisses Skye. Skye hits Deaner. Deaner kisses Skye. Love attacks Deaner. Deaner kisses Love. Madison Rayne yells at Deaner, who grabs her over the ropes and kisses her too. Sky mule kicks Deaner in the groin. Love superkicks Deaner. ODB and Love scrap on the apron. Deaner pins Sky after Rayne tries to spray Deaner in the eyes, but misses and sprays Sky instead. Post-match, Love and Sky turn on Rayne for her mistake, and Deaner takes the title from ODB, claiming that it’s his.
Winners (and new Knockouts Champion) : ODB and Cody Deaner
Lauren interviews Samoa Joe and Taz. Taz says that Joe is taking the X-Division title from Homicide, starting now.
Match #6: Samoa Joe vs. Homicide for the X-Division title: Even back-and-forth action for the opening minute. Joe rolls out to the floor, where Taz tells him to get his head on straight and play his own game. Joe blocks a hurricanrana attempt by Homicide, and follows up with a suicide dive between the ropes. Joe is all strikes and knees, but only gets a two-count. Joe works on Homicide’s neck, and follows up with a snap power slam. Joe chokes Homicide in the ropes with his leg for a four-count. Both men trade chops. Joe power bombs Homicide, but Homicide kicks out at two. Joe locks in the STF ( a real one, not a John Cena one). Homicide gets a foot on the ropes. Joe kicks Homicide repeatedly. Loud chants of “187!” They trade punches. Homicide lands a top rope missile drop kick, followed by the tope con hilo to the floor. Homicide and Taz talk trash. Homicide hits a hangman’s neckbreaker back in the ring for a two-count. Homicide hits the Gringo Cutter for a count of two and three-fourths. Homicide attempts the Gringo Killer, but Joe pushes him away. Joe locks in a sleeper hold, but knocks Homicide down and cinches in the Kokina Clutch. Homicide taps, and Joe wins.
Winner and NEW X-Division Champion: Samoa Joe.
JB is with Kurt Angle, who goes to talk to Matt Morgan. Morgan yells at Angle for not knocking, and takes him to task for the way that Angle has treated him. Angle partially apologizes, and tells Morgan that if either he or Morgan win, Morgan is in the Main Event Mafia, and all is good. Morgan shakes on it.
Match #7: TNA Tag Team Championship titles match, Team 3D vs. Booker T (w/ Sharmell) and Scott Steiner: Two referees have been assigned to this match, with falls counting anywhere and no DQs. No, this is not awesome. I’m walking out. Be back later. Slow and plodding for the most part. Steiner pinned Ray, but Ray’s arms were under the ropes. The two referees came to conflicting decisions regarding the winners, and consulted the video tape. Booker T and Scott Steiner are declared the winners. Loud chants of “Bullshit!” Agreed, peoples. Agreed.
Winners and still Tag Team Champions: Booker T and Scott Steiner
JB interviews Mick Foley, who says that it isn’t about the number of zeros at the end of your paycheck, but the number of fans you bring to your feet.
Match #8: Legends Championship match, Mick Foley vs. Kevin Nash: Nash dominates early with knees and elbows. Foley fights back with headbutts and punches. Once the action spills onto the floor, Foley hits Nash with a chair. Foley goes for a top rope elbow drop onto Nash, but Nash pulls the chair inthe way at the last second and Foley hits it. Foley’s head is busted open. Blood splatters onto the camera, which is really weird. Nash punches the bloodied mess that is Foley’s face repeatedly, grinning as he does so. Elbows follow punches, and Foley starts to laugh through the crimson mask. Foley fights back and knocks down Nash. Foley pulls out pieces of his own hair, and goes after Nash. Nash is soon busted wide open as well from the steps. Nash rolls up Foley and gets the pin. Post-match, Nash uses Foley’s barbed-wire baseball bat against him. Abyss runs down with his own barbed-wire baseball bat, and makes the save. Foley grins and gives Abyss the thumbs-up. Abyss claps like a little kid, and leaves the ring.
Winner and NEW Legends Champion: Kevin Nash
Lauren interviews Sting. Sting says that you can only trust yourself. Matt Morgan will learn from his mistakes, just like Sting did. Kurt Angle is, well, Kurt Angle, and will walk over anyone in order to preserve himself. There is a third man in the match, however, and it’s Sting.
Match #9: World Heavyweight Championship match, Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan vs. Sting: Matt Morgan enters first, then Sting, then Kurt Angle. Morgan and Angle work together to throw Sting around. Angle misses a running shoulder to the gut when Sting dodges, and hits the ringpost shoulder-first. The action spills onto the floor. Back in the ring, Sting punches Morgan for a ten-count in the corner. Morgan is thrown to the outside, and Sting focuses on Angle. Crowd chants of “You got arrested!” at Angle at points. Angle throws Sting to the outside, where Morgan punches the Icon, and follows him around the ring. Angle leaps off the apron in a cross body, but Sting dodges and Morgan catches Angle instead. Sting kicks Angle as Morgan tries to handle Angle. Back in the ring, Sting gets Angle in the Scorpion Death Lock, but Angle counters it into the Angle Slam for a two-count. Angle attempts the Angle Lock on Sting, but it isn’t cinched in, and Sting escapes. Sting and Morgan now mix it up. Morgan physically dominates Sting, but only gets two-counts. Morgan hits a leg drop on the apron on Sting, but Sting kicks out at two. As Morgan runs into the ropes, Angle pulls down the top rope, and Morgan hits the floor. Angle and Morgan stare down. Crowd chants of “Fuck him up, Morgan!” Morgan throws sweat at Angle and turns his back to him. Angle attacks Morgan from behind. Morgan nails a Carbon Footprint on Angle on the floor. Morgan pins Sting for more than three counts, but the ref is outside checking on Angle. Sting pins Morgan, but Morgan kicks out at two. Morgan plants Sting with a stiff Carbon Footprint, but as the ref counts to three, Angle pulls him out of the ring. Angle hits Morgan with a chair, pins him, and gets the win.
Winner and STILL World Heavyweight Champion: Kurt Angle
So, the Main Event Mafia has all the gold in TNA except for the Knockouts title. The main title is still on Kurt Angle, despite all the legal craziness revolving around him at the moment. They have tv tapings tomorrow and Tuesday, at which Angle may or may not be allowed to be present. That Morgan should have won was clear, which made him look good. That we get Daniels/Joe for the X-Division title at the next ppv is also good. If AJ Styles’s announcement on “iMPACT” is that he’s a loser and he’s going home, I will shout “Turnip!” in a very loud voice. Join us back here at BWF for RAW tomorrow night, and assorted wrestling goodness for the rest of the week.
Peace out,
Drowgoddess
See that line over there? No, THAT one. Yes. Go cross it!
I want it on record that this review occurs under duress. We have it so rough here at www.boredwrestlingfan.com. Some of us would LIKE to have it so rough, but that’s as may be. This week’s title is “You Can Go Back Home.” Is this a thinly-veiled shot at the non-ex-WWE guys on the roster, specifically the past and present X-Division stars? I’m just sayin’.
The best way I can even attempt to top the Bangles, is show you my favourite songs at the moment, through the magical power of random links.
Let’s party like it’s 1999.
TNA Sacrifice
Lethal Consequences and Eric Young def. MotorCity Machine Guns and Sheik Abdul Bashir
Apparently, this match was announced on the TNA website the day of, or the day before the PPV. Great idea TNA. Although, the MMG and Afro Thunder/Randy Savage have been chasing Suicide the past few weeks, trying to find out his identity. Speaking of Suicide, I sense another link coming on.
Monster’s Ball: Taylor Wilde def. Daffney w/Abyss
Taylor Wilde wins and Abyss chokeslams Dr. Stevie Richards onto thumbtacks. This was the first KnockOuts Monsters Ball and hopefully it is the last. The only possible way I would watch a match like this, is with a group of friends so we can all bag the crap out of a match like this.
Suicide def. Daniels after Daniels had already won, but wanted the match restarted because of MMG’s interference.
I’m serious. Daniels won, but because MMG interfered and he didnt want to win that way, he wanted to make things fair. Yeah and you lost Daniels. Your so good Daniels, that you won the match, but thought, you know what? We all know Suicide is a woman and it’s hard to be a woman, trust me I know. I can beat a woman fair and square cant I? Jeff Jarrett thought the same thing about Chyna, but the difference is, Chyna is a man, Suicide is not.
Angelina Love def. Awesome Kong to retain the KnockOuts Championship
Kong misses a move and Love sprays hair spray in Kong’s eyes and gets the pin. Your telling me that Kong dismantles Madison Rayne, Velvet Sky and one half of the Smokin’ Gunns, yet a simple can of hair spray is what stops her? She’s a behemoth and yet she’s as soft as a kitten. It’s not right. This is a mistake. Kong should be and always be an indestructible force that should only be stopped by some sort of gang hit or by numerous numbers.
Samoa Joe def. Kevin Nash
The broken down injury prone Outsider survived a match without getting injured. It’s a miracle. If only Waco, Texas had a miracle. One final thing about this match. You know Jenna Maresca/Marasca/Mascara/Mil Mascaras? Apparently, this is the song of how Big Kev met his Survivor.
BEER MONEY!!!! def. the British Invasion to win the Team 3D Tag Team tournament
Justice is almost served. Now all thats gotta happen is Beer Money regain the Tag titles and the world will be right again. Thats all I need to say about this, oh and this.
For the record, I have a coathanger.
AJ Styles def. Booker T to retain the Legends Championship
The cross dresser came and threw in the towel so Dokken T lost the match and the Dog-Faced Gremlin was in Dokken’s corner too. It’s true, she is! I Heard It Through The Grapevine.
TNA Heavyweight Championship: Sting def. Kurt Angle to become the leader of the Main Event Mafia. Mick Foley retains the TNA Championship.
You would think that I put a clip of Creed’s ‘My Sacrifice’ here, well maybe I did, you just gotta click the link to find out. By the way, who didnt see the result of the Main Event a mile away. Raise your hands all those who didnt know? FOOLS!!! All of you. Thinking that the result would go any other way? Sure, I probably said something else in my last column, but I knew that Sting was gonna beat Angle. It was the only POINTLESS result, which is why they went with it. It is TNA we’re talking about.
WWE
One thing of mention. Coach interviewing Vince on ESPNews. Vince had a good chuckle I believe.
Thats it, another Wednesday, another column. Last thing, Trojans are Australia’s Best Selling Condom. It adds a whole new meaning to the ‘Trojan Horse’ now doesnt it? Just who put all those Trojans in that horse?
Wednesday. The only day in the week where there is zero wrestling on your TV. Monday Nights are RAW, Tuesdays have ECW. Thursdays make an iMPACT. Friday nights have SmackDown! Saturday Nights are ROH and Sundays are for Pay-Per-View. Where does that leave Wednesday? Luckily, at BoredWrestlingFan, yours truly has completed your weekly wrestling fix.
WWE
Superstars: I dont actually watch this show each week. I’m assuming it isnt as good as the opening video for the 1996 version however. 1996 Opening Intro
Smackdown: It seems my predictions from previous columns have come true. Jeff Hardy has become #1 contender and Chris Jericho looks like wrestling Rey Rey for the Intercontinental Championship. I’d like to see John Morrison’s singles push truly begin, maybe start him off in the IC Title feud, then by the end of the year have him up at the World Title level.
ECW: Christian’s Champ and it seems his challengers are Swagger, Henry and Dreamer. So they bring over Kozlov and yet don’t put in the title picture. Instead, they have him against jobbers. Why draft Kozlov over then? He could be doing that on SmackDown!
RAW: Shane McMahon os NOT the Hulk. Even though his last name is McMahon, he does not have super mega ultra powers. It sickens me to watch Shane O hold his own against one of Legacy, let alone three. God I hope Batista doesnt win at Judgment Day. For whatever God it is that exists in the world, please don’t let Batista win.
TNA
iMPACT: Lashley has done a grand total of NOTHING so far. MotorCity Machine Guns and LAX were knocked out of the Tag Team tournament, which means it looks like an easy path through to the final for Beer Money Inc. Daniels is accused of being Suicide. Daniels denies and will continue to deny until Kaz is back and able to wrestle, then they will both appear in the ring at the same time, confusing the hell outta everyone. Then they will take off the Suicide mask and realize it was Mr. Dean, the Farmer. Then Mr. Dean will say that he woulda gotten away with it too, if it werent for those MotorCity Machine Guns.
Short-ish but sweet, just the way I like it. Dont forget to check out all the details about the Priceless Wedding over at VinceRussoWatchesHisBeardGrow.com. I am the REAL Legend Killer, reminding you, that the Daschund is the best dog to have sex with.
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Welcome to “Main Event Mess!” That’s our anime-ish title for this week. We open in Jeff Jarrett’s office. He’s the founder of TNA. Jim Cornette pleads with Jarrett not to allow the Angle/Sting empty arena match to take place because of the insurance issues and legal ramifications that could result from a lack of referees and general safety issues. This is actually a good thing. We complain when real-life consequences are ignored in wrestling, so treating the situation this way makes it seem more important. Jarrett asks what choice he has. Should he and Angle have a third match that completely destroys the company? Wait a minute. Is Jarrett saying that no one wants to see Jarrett/Angle III??? Mick Foley sits nearby on a couch, present only to make a reference to the empty arena match he had with the Rock way back when. Cornette actually comes off as the most authoritative person of the three here. Clarify the power structure and stop changing it every week! The only real problem here is that if everyone is waiting with baited breath to see if Jarrett is inclined to acquiesce to Angle’s request (yay, “Pirates of the Caribbean!”), why has the match been promoted for a solid week already? Shouldn’t Jarrett’s consent have been brought up before? Cornette suddenly realizes that discussing these issues on national television might not be the way to go, and kicks Jeremy Borash and the camera crew out.
To the ring! Hey look, it’s Kurt Angle! He wants Jarrett to approve the match, and says that the Main Event Mafia can only be brought down from within. Thanks for reminding us about the rarely-mentioned Front Line. Yeah, the MEM could only implode, rather than have anyone associated with the Front Line actually cause chinks in the proverbial armor. Shut up.
To the back! Lauren interviews the Motor City Machine Guns. Lucky. Chris Sabin asks if they’re all suddenly a bunch of women around here? Jealousy. Cheating. Stealing. Lying. Debauchery. Debauchery? What did I miss? The Front Line locker room is starting to make him sick. All he and Alex Shelley have ever done from day one was to look after themselves, without bothering anyone else. They’re just loving people who pay their taxes and give to charities, and they always, always put others before themselves. Lots of people are jumping on this contradiction as evidence of a crap promo, but it’s funny as hell if you think about it. It wasn’t an accident. In any case, the future Mr. Drowgoddess doesn’t get to complete the thought because “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal and Consequences Creed attack the Guns. They brawl through the backstage area as we cut to a commercial break.
Match #1: the Motor City Machine Guns defeat Lethal Consequences in a “No Holds Barred” Street Fight: Seriously, is there any other kind of Street Fight? To the ring! Upon returning from commercial break, the backstage brawl has spilled out to the ring. Some really nice sequences here, but the camera seemed to be at just the wrong angle for most of this match. Sabin drops Creed gut-first across the back of a chair. Creed smashes Sabin in the head with a chair as Sabin takes a suicide dive between the ropes. Lethal hits the Lethal Combination onto a chair on Sabin. Lethal has a chair wedged into the corner and tries to slam Shelley into it, but Shelley counters and pulls Lethal head-first into the chair. Shelley tries to hit Creed with the X-Division title belt, but accidently hits Sabin instead. Creed nails a nice over-the-top-rope jump to the outside. Sabin recovers in time to hit Creed with the X-Division title belt, and Shelley gets the pin. This match really could have and should have gone a bit longer. Granted, it was more than four minutes, which was miraculous in and of itself. Once again, fans seemed subdued for the wrong reasons. They cheered spots from each team, but didn’t seem to know how to respond to the teams themselves. This is precisely why “tweener” booking doesn’t work. People want to cheer the Guns, but don’t feel that they can. Fewer people want to cheer Lethal Consequences, but they feel like they should. Reactions are half-hearted at best. Look here, booking people. You can’t manufacture or buy the popularity and crowd response that the Guns were getting. Ride that wave all the way to the bank.
To the video package! The Main Event Mafia tells us to cross the line. You know, because the show isn’t about them nearly enough.
To the back! More Main Event Mafia meltdown (see what I did there?), as Booker T, Sharmell, and Scott Steiner don’t seem at all pleased with Angle’s recent demands and behavior. Booker insists that he knows Sting, and that Sting has never disrespected him like some other people have. Angle tells him that the match tonight can be a handicap match, but Kevin Nash breaks it up. Booker and Sharmell leave with JB, who asks them if the MEM is over. Booker’s dressing room has yellow police tape across the doors. Gold! Before anyone can enter the locker room crime scene, AJ Styles and the Legends title jump Booker and beat the ever-loving crap out of him in the hallway.
To the ring! Beer Money and Jacqueline sally forth, and issue the “Off the Wagon Challenge.” Because they are the best tag team ever, they’re bored. They’ve plowed through everyone who was placed in front of them. They will now defend the tag team titles against anyone, anywhere, any time. However, if Beer Money wins, whoever gets pinned or is forced to submit has to leave TNA forever. No coming back under a mask. No coming back as a referee, ring announcer, bell ringer, or stupid camera man. You’re gone for good. The challenge is for real, and it starts tonight. Strong segment, but pointing out how boring the show was is only heelish if the show is not, in fact, boring.
To the back! Lauren interviews, Taylor Wilde, Roxxi, and “the Governor.” Lauren asks why she’s still “in character” when the whole prank against the Beautiful People is over. The asinine answer is that it’s so much fun. Not for viewers, it isn’t! Come on, it’s friggin’ Daffney! Let her scream and be amazing! Ah, well. They outnumber the Beautiful People tonight because of the Spike TV rules that men can’t become physically violent with women, ergo, Cute Kip can’t touch them. This makes it three-on-two.
To the therapist’s office! Abyss is in session with Dr. Stevie. Jeebus! Why couldn’t they at least call him “Dr. Richards?” No good can come of this.
Match #2: LAX and Shane Sewell defeat Brutus Magnus, Sheik Abdul Bashir, and Matt Morgan: This match should have been called “Hernandez kills everyone in about four minutes.” Considering how much push Morgan and Magnus have gotten lately, this was a surprise.
Hardcore History, 101. Mick Foley tries to remember important moments in his career, and dropping an elbow on Sting seems to be one of those moments. For some reason. These segments are just not doing much for me. I used to love Mick, but….
To the announce table! Jim Cornette informs us that a team that hasn’t teamed together in several years has accepted Beer Money’s challenge for later tonight.
To the weight room! Lauren attempts to interview Scott Steiner as he works out on a weight bench. Among other gems, he tells her that she can work out with him if she takes off her clothes. A disembodied arm enters the frame and pins the weight to Steiner’s chest. Samoa Joe (or at least his arm) tells Steiner that he could crush that oh-so-recently rebuilt sternum easily. He won’t, though, because he wants to properly introduce Steiner to his Nation of Violence. Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks “Nation of Domination” every time Joe says this. Steiner had better get ready, because Joe’s gonna kill him. Yes, I agree that threats of murder should be avoided in wrestling, but I give an exception to Samoa Joe. I’m just too much of a sucker for that line. The only other person who should be allowed to say “I kill you!” is Raisha Saeed. I so eagerly await that day!
To the back! Lauren (that woman gets around!) interviews Sojourner Bolt about the possible conflict between her role as a member of the Kongtourage and her Knockouts title shot at Awesome Kong at an undisclosed future date. Raisha Saeed interrupts, and tells SoJo that she has already talked too much outside of the group. SoJo says that she understood, she just didn’t listen. Nobody but her mama tells her what to do. SoJo walks away after shoving Saeed. Saeed tells Lauren that there will be big trouble. Please dear god don’t let Mama Bolt turn up! We all know how Mama Benjamin worked out. Well, unless she’s Jewish…. J
Match #3: Taylor Wilde (w/ Roxxi and “the Governor”) defeated Angelina Love (w/ Velvet Sky and Cute Kip): Angelina Love is clearly the best wrestler out of this lot. Not the best Knockouts match ever.
To the “Win a Night with ODB” contest! Submit videos of your friends and family without their knowledge or consent! We did. Sorry, JT. J
To the back! JB (Lauren must be tired) talks with Sting, who points out that Kurt Angle should have known that Sting was not going to let the title out of his hands at “Against All Odds.” He slightly modifies his previous point, saying that with a select few exceptions, anyone other than himself holding the World Heavyweight Championship would tarnish it. Names, Sting! We want names!
“Rough Cuts” time! This week features another look at the Ultimate X match. AJ Styles, Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, Hernandez, and Brother D-Von talk about how the match shows off the amazingly athletic skills of the smaller wrestlers, and how they have an advantage over the heavyweights in that type of match. Great clips from past matches are shown. This is a good way to acquaint new viewers with the match before the ppv.
Match #4: Beer Money defeats Eric Young and Petey Williams in an “Off the Wagon Challenge” Tag Team title match: This is what a good tag team match, running about twelve minutes, can be. Eric Young and Petey Williams came out to the old “Team Canada” entrance music, wearing matching Canada jackets. If you knew how it was going to end, it was even more emotional to watch this. Jacqueline interfered repeatedly, and Beer Money cheated to win without using the beer bottle. Petey Williams was pinned, so his TNA career is over. Beer Money exits up the ramp, mocking Petey as they leave. Young gets the crowd cheering for Petey, which they were really already doing. Petey’s emotion overcomes him, and he cries in the ring. He got a good send-off. I just hate TNA for making it necessary. Sure, Petey may never have been a World Heavyweight title contender, but he was one that they should have tried to keep. Whether the real reason for his departure is that a satisfactory new contract could not be negotiated, or that creative had nothing for him, it’s still rubbish. They could have at least let him hit one last Canadian Destroyer. The announcers really did not treat this with the importance that they should have. It was the first of these challenges, and the idea that someone who had been a mainstay of the company was suddenly forced to leave should have been a bigger deal once he actually lost the match. Good bye, Petey, and good luck. I’ll miss seeing you on my tv.
To the back! Lauren interviews Team 3D and Rhino. Rhino comes off as a complete wuss for concern over Angle and Sting. Team 3D hopes that Angle and Sting cripple each other. The respect for Sting has evaporated since the last time they were on camera. They encourage Rhino to come with them to a strip club and hang out. Rhino doesn’t drink. Ah, but D-Von knows this white girl that he thinks Rhino will like. Rhino asks, I kid you not, “She’s not fat, is she?” D-Von as the “Fat Chick Thrilla” is amusing and all, but everyone can’t look like the Knockouts. Or at least like Velvet Sky. Real chicks need love too!
To the outside! Everyone empties the building except for Tenay, West, Angle, and Sting. And whatever crew guys they need for the entrances that no one will be there to see. To be fair, this was treated like a very big deal, which was good.
To the back! Sting makes his entrance. Another shot reveals the Main Event Mafia watching the monitors. From inside the building. Whaaa???
Match #5: Sting vs. Kurt Angle went to a no-contest (Empty Arena match): Yup. The Main Event Mafia interfered. The supposedly empty arena was, in fact, not. Despite their efforts, Angle pretended to accept Sting’s handshake, then spat in the Icon’s face. Security (an even less-Empty Arena) pulled them apart.
To the back! Lauren is with Sting. He’s screaming about how no one has ever disrespected him this much in his entire career. He’s all in now, and if Kurt hates him, the feeling is mutual. If hate were people, Sting would be China! Ok, he didn’t say that, but he was thinking it.
To the back! JB is with the rest of the MEM and Angle is still going berserk. Nash tells Angle that this whole thing is Angle’s fault, not Sting’s. Angle wants Sting at ‘Destination X.” He looks into the camera and tells Jarrett to make it happen.
Final Thoughts: A non-finish on a match that was promoted so intensely seems like a poor idea. Then again, the idea that Kurt Angle vs. Sting is the absolute top match in 2009 TNA would seem to be a poor idea as well. We shall see. The return of Samoa Joe and AJ Styles as forces to be reckoned with is good. When they finally get matches against their MEM nemeses, it will be solid. Whoever thinks that “the Governor” is entertaining should be shot. In the face. Just let the woman have a decent name and let her go with it. And scream. At least Petey got a decent send-off. He could have just vanished without a word. If he really didn’t want to, he shouldn’t have had to leave. If he was low-balled on his contract negotiations like Gail Kim was, that’s pathetic. If “creative” couldn’t think of anything for him and that was the excuse, that’s beyond absurd. Frankly, his narcissistic “Maple Leaf Muscle” bodybuilder persona would have been perfect for the Beautiful People instead of Cute Kip. We’ll never know now. Promotion for the Ultimate X match is going well. Perhaps “Destination X” won’t feel like an afterthought this year. Just don’t cram more than four guys in the match. It’s best with three or four.
Check back next week for more “Impact” Impressions!
Peace out,
Drowgoddess
In the words of my esteemed colleague,
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