Last night was Survivor Series and I don’t think I felt the hate that others did. I thought the first hour was pretty good (sans Super Dave reminding us this was his 10-year anniversary with the company). I was surprised with the 10-man tag match. I thought Orton was winning all along and instead, Rhodes and Barrett were made to look strong. I hated the way that Sheamus was eliminated. And I really hated the way Sin Cara was eliminated. He is getting a push and a build that any wrestler would KILL for. And he does nothing but piss on it with his attitude, ego, wellness violations and an in-ring style that makes Mason Ryan look like Ric Flair. I know accidents happen, but you really should be able to not mess up as much as he does. Right now, he’s not ready from an in-ring standpoint for the wrestling fundraiser at the VFW, much less the national stage of the WWE.
Sorry for my Sin Cara tangent. I know I was able to go grocery shopping, rotate my tires and read “Of Mice and Men” in the time it took Big Show to get to the top rope and do a Savage elbow. But it was am incredible moment. I dare say that was the “Holy s***” moment of the year from WWE. And of course, the CM Punk moment with Howard Finkel announcing him as new champion was indescribable. I also thought Miz and Truth didn’t look weak against Cena & Rock. Rock has never minded trying to make a new star. There were some moments I could have lived without, mostly involving Super Dave Osborne, David Otunga and Matista, the Walking Wellness Violation.
Raw opened as it should have. CM Punk, The Champ, walking to the ring. Punk is just money on the mic. Then Super Dave Osborne killed the atmosphere. CM Punk went off on him. Punk can draw a good segment even out of Super Dave. The fans do not want Super Dave on tv.
They showed footage of The Rock cutting a promo and the crowd chanting “We Want Ryder.” Wow. They introduced Zack Ryder and the crowd chanted like he was Stone Cold in 1997. As Ricardo Rodriguez came out to the ring, Zack Ryder grabbed the mic and said “Woo woo woo. You know it.” I’m not sure how I feel about this. Two of my favorite personalities going after each other. It was a quick match. Alberto Del Rio destroyed him. I get what the WWE was trying to do here. Getting heel heat on ADR by him beating Ryder. But instead of heat, it just killed the crowd.
Then came out my Team Pasty White idol, Sheamus. He got Jack Swagger. Their match was pretty good. They are both two very good athletes, so if they feud, the matches should be really good. Jack Swagger just makes me mad. And it has nothing to do with the person. I think that if he were in Ring of Honor, he’d be champ. He looks so uncomfortable being a character.
Kevin Nash cut a promo. Nobody cares about Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash doesn’t induce heel heat. He doesn’t induce any heat. The only thing worse than a hated wrestler is a wrestler people don’t care about. That’s exactly what Nash is.
Cody Rhodes squashed Santino Marella. Even Michael Cole said, “Thanks for coming, Santino.” The commentary was a lot better tonight. Cody Rhodes threw a glass of water at his half-brother’s former tag team partner. I like that they’re planning on using Booker T to create talent.
Dolph really is the unsung hero of the WWE. It was really probably the biggest match on Raw this year. I feel bad that I couldn’t write more detail, but it was great.
Good video package for Kane.
Big Show cut a really decent promo. Very short.
Divas are now being forced to pimp video games. Poor things. Beth looked very boobalicious in that outfit. Sorry, you put that out there, I’m going to look. Sorry, Alicia & AJ.
We then got Wade Barrett squashing Kofi Kingston. Then Randy Orton came out. Kofi Kingston looks lower than Curt Hawkins after this match. But Kofi ended up getting some offense at him.
John Cena talked or something. Then Miz and R-Truth came out. They sounded well. Cena sounded like a 10-year-old trying to rile up the other kids on the playground. He tried to stir up crap between Miz and Truth.
For an hour and a half, this was a really good Raw. And then Cena happened and Awesome Truth were dissolved because… ? I think the ending alone makes it a bad Raw.
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Normally AlyKat would be doing her VERY excellent coverage of Monday Night Raw. But due to circumstances beyond her control, you have an opportunity to hear a much different perspective of the night from me. Just think of this as “A Ruff Look at Raw.”
Tonight I will try the live blogging again. I can’t remember the last time I anticipated a Raw this much. There aren’t any gimmicks behind this one; there is just a Raw I want to see really badly tonight. Let’s be honest. Last week was phoned in. This is going to be the true test. Do we get Punk unleashed? Might we even get Cena or Vince unleashed? (Hey, you can’t blame a guy for dreaming.) Are we on the brink of a glory period of wrestling? Rather than a “Golden Age of Wrestling,” we have an “Adamantium Age of Wrestling?”(Better than Gold or Platinum)
We have some questions to answer. Will we see Zack Ryder again? Will Alberto del Rio tell us it’s his destiny to be champion or something? How is Riley doing after Miz’ beatdown? What of the Nexus? And what about this potentially explosively legendary epic moment between Mr. McMahon, John Cena & CM Punk?
The WWE has announced Punk leads off the night with a live mic. This is either going to be “The Promo” or the infamous Matt Hardy promo where he killed his career in 5 minutes. The skinny young Bill Cowher walked to the ring with a megaphone. (Ring of Honor chant #1) Punk cut a great promo about how he has made the WWE relevant. And then John Cena comes out to a surprising pop. The two have a confrontation. This is still all about the match, not Tony Schiavone shooting on Mike Tenay.
John Cena vs. David Otunga & Michael McGillicuddy
God, are you mad at me? Maybe this is a reminder that the WWE has not gone a total 180 and is still a work-in-progress. I’d love to go on the details of this match. But it’s just the last 5 John Cena handicap squash matches. Again. I hate handicap matches. Unless it’s The Giant vs. Pez Whatley & The Gambler. No single person should ever pin the tag team champions cleanly. Can’t we give him Hacksaw Jim Duggan or something? As much as I hate to say this, it was not a bad match. I just hated the premise. It could have been worse. I could have been watching a Keith Stone commercial.
One of the biggest signs that something big was happening during Raw-Twitter crashed. (And something called a Home Run Derby) Dolph and Vickie are talking about the US Title. Drew McIntyre and Vickie both mock “The Boss.” And the Boss showed up. He books them in a handicap match against Big Show. So Vince is a face? And then Scott Stanford asks Vince what the rest of the world thinks or something. Vince tells “the rest of the world” they can go to Hell. So Vince is a heel now? He turns faster than the Acolytes/APA.
We come back from commercial and Melina is back in the ring. We didn’t get to watch her entrance?
Kelly Kelly vs Melina
The Bellas did commentary. I think that is the worst plague to be unleashed on Earth since Glenn Close on the 4th season of The Shield. Kelly finished Melina quicker than Goldberg finished Rick Fuller. And then the Bellas mocked Kelly for being too skinny. So Kharma was too fat? And now Kelly is too skinny? Make up your mind, Bellas. I don’t like the Bellas being in the anti-bullying ad. Are they characters or not? Too many blurry lines.
When we come back from break, Miz climbs on top of the latter and cuts a great promo. And of course he gets interrupted by Jack Swagger. And then Evan Bourne interferes. And then Kofi comes out and we see pyro (I squee). Then we get R-Truth. He is an Acrophobe (me too) and an Arachnophobe. And then Alex Riley runs out. And then we get Alberto del Rio. Then the Anonymous Raw GM makes a match.
We got to see Big Show and Bruce Campbell together in the same segment. Pure awesomeness. Too bad it was for Burn Notice.
The 6-man was hard to keep track of. It got to help further the PPV. This is what they call a go-home show. And they definitely went home. Alex Riley got the pin, so it looks like they are committed to strapping a rocket to Alex Riley. I sure hope he’s ready for it. And Alberto del Rio got to stand in the middle of the ring like he was going to win. That means he will not win.
Big Show vs. Drew McIntyre & Dolph Ziggler
My iPod froze during this match so I spent my focus on resetting it. This is exactly what a handicap match should be. Neither wrestler lost anything. Mark Henry came out and took Big Show through a table. It was a pretty good visual. I love this deadly Mark Henry.
Vince and Punk did their showdown. While Vince sat at the table, Punk paced around the ring with a microphone. Vince called CM Punk by his first name. No wonder Phil goes by “CM Punk.” Punk went over the provisions of his contract. 1. He gets to push Vince. 2. He wants to be WWE Ice Cream Bars. 3. He wants to be in Chaperone II. 4. He wants the Wrestlemania Main Event. 5. He wants Vince to apologize for suspending him. After much prodding (that included Colt Cabana & Luke Gallows), we had this:
“I apologize, you son of a bitch.”
-Vincent Kennedy McMahon
Then Cena came out to the ring. Before his music hit, we had “Colt Cabana” chants. (WTF? Was that real?) Cena regressed into 5th grader Johnny. But there were some moments where Cena would turn into sober, serious John. Punk called Cena the New York Yankees. (Oh, no he didn’t.)
I’m trying to think of what I liked and didn’t like about this Raw. I really liked the WWE’s focus. They needed to push a pay-per-view, and that is exactly what they did. The matches were sub-par. The promos were really good. I am feeling sold on the pay-per-view and I don’t know how this is supposed to end. I’m very intrigued.
I know what you’re thinking: Doth mine eyes deceive me? Am I correctly seeing that the fair maiden, AlyKat, hath indeed written another compelling and entrancing review for Monday Night RAW?! Your eyes do not deceive you, my dear friend, and I have indeed. I have been working a lot of Monday nights in a row, but tonight I am not, thus I am back. (more…)
Author note:I, unfortunately, have to leave my house at 8PM on weeknights, and therefore miss RAW live as it happens. As AlyKat was unable to cover the show tonight, I offered to do so and keep the Tweets going in the review. I reviewed the show first, and added in Tweets later. Thank you to all of you who used the #BWF hashtag to make it easier on me!
Let the fallout from WrestleMania XXVII begin! I know for a fact that Steve Austin and The Rock are confirmed for the show, and that Daniel Bryan will challenge Sheamus for the WWE United States Championship, unless they decide to bump it again. I hear we’re supposed to go until 11:15 or later, so let’s get this review on the road – the road to WrestleMania XXVIII!
Back for another edition of Monday Night RAW! Turns out the boss man, ThinkSoJoE is there live tonight, so I hope he has a good time! He tweeted something about there being a steel cage over the ring tonight. Will we see it come into action, or are they just teasing us? As the person who has to review tonight… I don’t know if I want it to come into action or not.
Also, I want to take a second and thank everyone who tweets during RAW, and those of you who reply to the actual review. It means a lot to me to know that you all like the way I write these up, and I love to see interaction. It makes the searing pain in my fingers after totally worth it.
Anyway, I hear that The Rock is supposed to be around sometime to talk about John Cena’s response. This could be really good… Or really bad. We’ll see what happens.
It’s time to play the game…
Omfg I missed this music. Oh, sorry about missing last week’s RAW. Family time prevented me from seeing it, and then a busy week prevented me from reviewing it. Sorry!
It has been made official! The Undertaker will go one-on-one with Triple H at Wrestlemania!
Triple H says that it’s good to see Buffalo too! He says that they say the true test of a man’s mettle is the test of time. He’s done everything that there is to do in the WWE. Every accolade, championship, defined Elimination Chamber, Hell in the Cell, and a thirteen-time WWE Champion. With Shawn Michaels, he started D Generation X. With Ric Flair, Evolution. He’s been hated, loved. He’s defeated icons, legends, immortals, he’s done it all. Sixteen years. Seems like yesterday, but sixteen years. He’s seen them all come and seen them all go, for sixteen years, he’s out lasted everybody.
Except for one. The Deadman. The Phenom. The Undertaker.
He’s just heard him referred to as “The Last Outlaw.” Not yet, there are two. The Undertaker and Triple H are the same, probably a lot more than he knows. When he looks in the locker room, they see the same thing: There aren’t any real challenges left. They’re in the same position. There’s only one thing that stands before him: For Taker, it’s the Streak. 16, 17, 18-0. It’s what keeps Taker going, the challenge. But, the fact is, when Taker looks around the locker room, Hunter’s the only real challenge he’s got left. And when Hunter looks around the locker room, the only true challenge he has left is ending the streak. It’s the only thing they have left. It will happen at Wrestlemania XXVII. The biggest event in history! Deadman, you and Hunter will define an era. The iconic, the immortal, the legendary, the last two will meet, and on that night, nothing else will matter. There can be only one Higlander. At Wrestlemania, Taker has only one thing left: The Streak. And when it dies, Taker dies. At Wrestlemania, Hunter has only one thing left: The Streak. If he can’t end it, he’ll die trying.
Sheamus makes his way down to the ring, much to the amusement of Triple H, actually. But, as he gets in the ring, Hunter knocks him to his knees. Triple H rolls his neck before hurling Sheamus out of the ring and following him. Hunter then throws him into the wall and starts pounding right down on him. He then throws him into the steel ring post, and follows him in front of the announce table. Hunter then punches him again, and takes Sheamus right over another barrier. Hunter throws Sheamus onto the announce table and I’m aware that… Cole’s not there!! Anyway, Hunter clears the table and climbs onto it, pulling Sheamus to his feet. He gets Sheamus in position, Jerry tells him not to do this, and Hunter points to the Wrestlemania sign before giving Sheamus a Pedigree right through the announce table!
Later on tonight, Shawn Michaels will weigh in on Triple H vs The Undertaker! Not only that, but Michael Cole will answer Jerry “The King” Lawler later! And, The Rock is going to respond to John Cena’s comments last week. Oh, and on FaceBook, he posted a picture of his boot on John Cena’s hat…
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 The #WWE announce desk DESTROYED at 12 minutes into #RAW !!! No, not the Spanish desk…King & Josh’s Desk! #WWE #RAW #BWF
@KeepItFiveStar Damn. Sheamus must’ve failed a wellness test. Smoked a lot of pot. Tanned. He did SOMETHING wrong because….My God! That was brutal!
@HitTheRopes Remember when Sheamus was a menacing jar of Mayonnaise? Now he’s just Miracle Whip(ped)! #wwe
@FrankWWEClown Sheamus, you made a poor decision interrupting The Game, just sayin’. #WWE #RAW
@thinksojoe Where will the announcers set their drinks? Won’t somebody think of the announcers? #BWF
@Seanfranchise6 Tonight on RAW: HBK WILL SPEAK, COLE WILL PUSS OUT, AND ROCK WILL STOMP CENA………………..via satellite. #RAW
We come back to a handful of refs finally helping Sheamus to get away from the broken announce table. You would’ve thought someone would’ve done that during the commercial…
“Sheamus, you just got brutally attacked by Triple H, but that’s not his problem. You were scheduled to have a match tonight, and you’re still gonna have it, against this man.”
King Sheamus vs Evan Bourne
YAY EVAN!!!!! I missed Air Bourne. I’m happy to see him back.
The bell rings and Evan goes to town on Sheamus right in the corner. Sheamus manages to push Evan off, but misses a clothesline. Evan hits a high kick and then goes up, and hits Air Bourne for the win!
Evan Bourne wins via pinfall.
Really, really short match, but I’m really glad that Evan’s back. And I seriously missed that slow-mo Air Bourne replay.
Justin Roberts tells us to please welcome “The Voice of the WWE”, Michael Cole. Evan even rolls his eyes, and Cole walks out to a number of boos. Cole walks over to King, and seems amused that the announce table is broken. Cole stands in front of King and talks, but no one hears him. … I’m confused.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Now Michael Cole is gonna beat Sheamus! C’mon. At some point this turns into a hate crime against gingers.
@CMPunkSays It’s not often you get buried twice in one night. Whose duffel bag did Sheamus take a dump in? #WWE
@Niki_Sushi I just had a SCREAMING fit. My baby’s back! YES! Totally made my night!
@N_er_d All I can say is that it was not a good day for our King Sheamus. #WWE #RAW #BWF #MNBW
@chynnacena We’d like to that you for flying Air Borne #WWE #RAW #BWF
<WWE Rewind: Last Monday, Cole “interviews” King, and King challenges him to a Wrestlemania Match!>
Michael Cole has a mic and is in the ring now. He says he wants to do this man-to-man, face-to-face, eye-to-eye, so he suggests that King gets off his fat, antiquated butt, and get in the ring. They have an announce table now! Cole also wants to remind King that he cannot strike Cole or he’ll be fired. Over the weekend, Cole re-read the decree that was handed down by the General Manager. It implies that if they touch one another, they’ll both be fired. But, it states that if King strikes Cole, King’s fired. King gets in the ring and stands in front of Cole. Cole says that King thinks he was intimidated last week. Did King think that Cole was going to coward down from his Wrestlemania Challenge? Lawler, there is no one, and Cole means no one, on this earth that has more guts than Cole. Cole never, ever backs down from a fight. So his answer to King’s “little” Wrestlemania Challenge is no, unless King accepts two conditions: First, Cole’s trainer can be in his corner at Wrestlemania, and second: Cole gets to choose a special guest referee for the match. King goes to take the mic, Cole asks what he says, and the King takes the mic. He says that he doesn’t care if Cole has the Dark Knight, King Kong, Saba Simba, and Superman with him, the answer is yes, Cole’s on. Cole says that they’ve got their match for Wrestlemania. Michael Cole vs Jerry “The King” Lawler! Cole says without further ado, he would like to introduce the man who will train Cole to defeat Lawler at Wrestlemania. He is a former World Champion, the All American-American, Jack Swagger!
Check, 1, 2!
Cole’s pretty damn proud of himself, but King doesn’t look impressed, to be honest. Swagger gets in the ring and the two hug, before Swagger stands over King. King still doesn’t look intimidated. Cole shoves King, and Swagger stands between them. Cole keeps asking what King thinks, and then Cole smacks Lawler. Jerry goes for Cole, but Swagger grabs King and puts him in the ankle lock.
Later tonight, Rock will respond to John Cena’s comments last week…
Randy Orton makes his way to the ring…
<COMMERCIAL>
@HitTheRopes Guess Swagger won’t be in Money in the Bank this year. #wwe
@JRosz78 Thank you Swagger! YES! #RAW #BWF #MNBW
@seraphalexiel Cole’s got Jack Swagger as his trainer? I want Jack Swagger to be my trainer
@KeepItFiveStar What kind of Steve from Blues Clues dance was that, Michael Cole?
@TheFightingGeek Ah, the classic Lawler can’t touch Cole until WrestleMania. An oldie but a goodie.
@CMPunkSays Michael Cole looks like he passed Advanced Heel Tactics 462. The professor of that course is 2009 Randy Orton. #WWE
@N_er_d ok, can we get Matt Striker back on commentary now? #WWE #RAW #BWF #MNBW
Next week, Stone Cold Steve Austin returns to Monday Night RAW!
And damn it all, Cole is back on commentary, and he’s sanitizing it. Cole asks for a replay of Lawler in Swagger’s Ankle Lock, and we get a quick picture… or two, of it. And he’s talking, but I’m tuning him out. I know how now.
I hear voices in my head…
Before the match, Randy picks up a mic. He says last week, Punk was right about something. Two and a half years ago, when Randy punted Punk in the skull, he made the biggest mistake of his career. The mistake that he made was that he should have kicked Punk harder. Punk talks about faith like it can protect him, but it won’t. It won’t protect him when Randy punts him so hard in the head that it makes his spine break and so that his permanent address is a rehab center, dreaming of walking again one day. He will spend every day of his life, sipping his meals through a straw, and the only thing Punk will have left is the faith that failed him.
Punk makes his way out to the ring with the New Nexus (minus Harris still) following him. Punk calls Randy an arrogant, but predictable, hypocrite. Does Randy think that Punk told him not to show up because he didn’t want him to show up? Punk is going to put Randy in the ground.
Cole lets Josh Matthews read this email.
“It appears that there’s only one way for Randy Orton and CM Punk to settle things: In a match at Wrestlemania. Now, over the course of the next few weeks, Randy Orton will compete in singles matches against members of the New Nexus. If the Nexus members win, they can legally be in Punk’s corner at Wrestlemania. If Randy wins, that member of the Nexus is banned from ringside at Wrestlemania. If CM Punk or the members of Nexus get involved, I will personally disband the New Nexus. Randy Orton vs Michael McGuillicutty begins right now.”
Randy Orton vs Michael McGuillicutty
Orton and McGuillicutty lock up, and McGuillicutty pushes Orton in the corner. Orton turns it around and hammers away on McGuillicutty, but McGuillicutty reverses the whip, only to get a clothesline. Orton stomps on McGuillicutty’s face and then goes to drop the knee, but McGuillicutty moves. McGuillicutty takes advantage and Whips Orton, but Orton stops and throws McGuillicutty out of the ring.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Lunna1969 i is a very happy girl tonight….even though i have the flu…Randy, Evan and HHH have made up for it!!! #WWE #RAW #BWF
@KeepItFiveStar Boy, it is Open Mic night on RAW tonight.
@CMPunkSays Everyone tweet @wwejoshmathews with suggestions as to what he should put in Cole’s drink when he isn’t looking. #WWE
@kickoutblog Spoiler: no one will be in CM Punk’s corner at WrestleMania.
@KeepItFiveStar “Why the FUCK didn’t anybody do this with any of my matches against The Nexus?” – John Cena (via @lekeithlewis)
@Niki_Sushi I wonder if Cole realizes he didn’t do anything… #bwf #raw
@Whovian_23 If Stone Cold had come out while Michael Cole was in the ring, Cole would of shit /AND/ pissed his pants at the same time. #WWE #RAW #BWF
We come back to Randy still dominating McGuillicutty, but then Orton eats a missile dropkick. McGuillicutty goes for the cover, but Orton kicks out. McGuillicutty goes for another, but Orton kicks out again. Orton crawls into the corner (cause that’s the best idea ever), and McGuillicutty stomps on him in the corner. Orton fights back, however, only to get a knee by McGuillicutty. McGuillicutty then drops his feet in Orton’s face. He gets on the middle rope and shoves Orton’s face down before going for another cover, only for Orton to kick out. McGuillicutty puts Orton in a headlock, but Orton fights to his feet, and sidewalk slams him off. Orton and McGuillicutty both return to their feet, and McGuillicutty runs right into Orton’s foot. Orton gets him down with a couple of clotheslines, followed by a scoop slam. Orton then drops McGuillicutty in the back breaker. McGuillicutty does the stupid thing and rolls under the bottom rope, so Orton pulls him most of the way into the ring, and this the second-rope DDT. Orton then slams down to the mat and pounds it down, watching McGuillicutty get to his feet before hitting the RKO.
Randy Orton wins via pinfall.
So, at Wrestlemania, Michael McGuillicutty will not be in CM Punk’s corner at Wrestlemania. Orton backs into a corner as McGuillicutty lays on the mat, and Punk comes out to tell him to stop. He then says Randall Keith Orton, you have done enough. Randy does not want to do this, no one wants to see him do this. Punk is telling Randall, do not punt him in the skull. Orton goes back to the corner as McGuillicutty gets up on his knees, and then Orton punts McGuillicutty in the skull before running out of the ring and up into the stands as Punk, Mason Ryan, and David Otunga go to chase him.
Last Friday, Sin Cara was signed to the WWE!
WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley are making their way to the ring.
<COMMERCIAL>
@2ndCitySaint RANDAL KEITH ORTON! RANDALL!!! #CMDad #WWE
@FrankWWEClown @RandyOrton either has ants in his pants or just loves to punt people in the head. I’ll go with the latter. #WWE #RAW
@KeepItFiveStar And Randy Orton punts Michael McGuillictty back into Joe Hennig!
@Niki_Sushi Is Punk gonna pull another Maryse? #bwf #raw
@kickoutblog Hopefully Orton just punts them all in the head and ends the Nexus debacle once and for all.
@Whovian_23 Seems that @RandyOrton is doing what @JohnCena could not do… take out the Nexus. #WWE #RAW #BWF
<RAW Rewind: John Cena and WWE Champion The Miz win the Unified Tag Team Championships, then The Miz costs them the titles.>
Awesome! I came to play!
The Miz has a mic. I’m sensing a trend. Anyway, Miz says The Rock is going to respond to John Cena tonight! That’s funny, because Miz called out The Rock last week as well, and he’s not responding to Miz. We all know why: Because The Miz is right. This is no longer The Rock’s show. Sure, at one point, The Rock was the biggest star in the WWE, then John Cena, but let’s face facts: John Cena’s days are numbered, and the Rock’s are over. What everyone needs to realize is that Miz is the biggest star in the WWE. He is the reason those people are there tonight (he’s the reason I went!). He is the one the talk shows want, he is the face of this company, and best of all, he is the most must-see WWE Champion in the history of this company! Do you see a trend? It’s all about The Miz. It always has been, it always will be, about him. Speaking of him, everybody’s been asking him about becoming WWE Tag Team Champions with John Cena. Let the records show that he won the WWE Tag Team Championships, and John Cena lost them, which was exactly what he wanted to happen. This is Miz’s show, he’s in the driver’s seat, and he controls what happens around there. So, when John Cena’s worrying about the Rock and doing his raps, he should be worried about The Miz, the WWE Champion. But, if The Rock and Cena want to go back and forth, so be it. The Miz will beat John Cena at Wrestlemania, and on that very same night, he will beat the Rock. Did you hear him correctly? He will beat John Cena at Wrestlemania, and on the very same night, he will beat the Rock. And then no one will ever mention them again, because the only person anyone will be talking about will be him as the greatest Superstar of all time.
Alex Riley tells them to get on their feet and show some respect to the man who, in thirty-four days, will main event Wrestlemania!
BRRRRRRRRRRRRR HERPY DERPY DOO!
And John Cena comes out. How appropriate with your timing, Cena. Oh, and Cena’s entrance without the slide is weird.
Cena says he has very very very very important news! He knows, just like everyone, he’s upset, because he can’t listen to another word The Miz says. Those people shouldn’t have to put up with it, and frankly, Miz doesn’t belong talking. The Miz isn’t well. Cena pulls out a folder that says Doctor’s Note. Cena says he has a doctor’s note that diagnosis the Miz with OCD. It’s something they could all see. He’s obsessed with everything. He’s obsessed with being awesome, but if you reference the medical report, he’s below average. He’s obsessed with being must-see, but if you reference the medical report, you have to have a microscope to see him. In his home, he has 2,000 cats, blue dockers, blue khakis, saves his dog’s poop bags, and pees in milk jugs. Ew. And that’s only the half of it. Alex says that Cena’s too funny. Riley just realized why someone nicknamed toilets ‘Johns’, because everything Cena says is crap. Even Cole agrees that was weak, and that’s sad.
Cena asks if Miz ever wondered why no one’s taking him seriously as the WWE Champion. Cena says that was awful, and it’s actually a pretty sad story. Look at Riley, he’s looking at them right now, sucking in air like a dying fish. You know what, you wanna be a champion, you wanna leave a legacy, Miz needs to start doing it by himself. With all these accomplishments, do you really wanna look back and realize that he shared his legacy with another man? Cena then tells him not to answer that. Miz wants to be must-see, talked about, let’s do something about it tonight! Right here, right now, fire Alex Riley, so at Wrestlemania it can be The Miz vs John Cena! Miz asks if Cena is scared of A-Ry, or is he trying to play mind games? Unlike Cena, Miz is mentoring the next generation of Superstars, and he’s secure with his position, so he’s sharing his genius in the WWE, instead of hocking merchandise or trying to decide what jorts to wear. Cena says that maybe his announcement could be that Miz and Riley are co-champions, moving in together, and basically being gay. Cena says that Miz may be training Riley how to be a loser, but Cena’s going to train Miz on how to be a man. Tonight, Cena wants a match with Riley. If Cena wins, Riley is fired. Miz and Riley talk about it for a minute, and then Miz says that he accepts. Cena says that’s shocking, but Miz adds a stipulation: He gives his word that Miz will not interfere, but if Riley wins, he wants Cena to publicly admit that Miz is the greatest superstar of all time, because he’s the Miz and he’s awesome! Cena asks if he’s been to outer space. He’s been fired, a slave, water thrown at him, called Barney turd, called Fruity Pebbles, he’ll do it.
Cole’s back on the email.
“No offense to Miz or his word, but to insure there is no outside interference tonight, John Cena vs Alex Riley will take place inside a steel cage. John, the only way to win this match tonight is to escape the cage.”
<COMMERCIAL>
@justinruff When will we stop using homosexuality as a negative? #Raw #WWE
@CMPunkSays DING DING DING DING DING THAT WAS CENA’S 10,000TH GAY JOKE #WWE
@FrankWWEClown That is one detailed doctor’s note. I need to find me that doctor, I think I may have a few screws loose. #WWE #RAW
@KeepItFiveStar I think in honor of the Fruity Pebbles joke, John Cena should slide down a Dinosaur then go to the ring in a Flintstones car for WM27.
@HitTheRopes @MikeTheMiz trying to channel his inner @IamJericho by beating two of the biggest superstars in wrestling on the same night.
@CMPunkSays That suit is AWWWWWWESOME. #BeMiz #WWE
@KeepItFiveStar Miz, suited up. Looking sharp as usual. Rock and Cena are getting all the praise. Show em what you can do, champ!
@N_er_d hahhaha The Rock vs Cena is funny. The Rock vs Miz would be more entertaining. I see Jericho’s mic skills in the Miz #WWE #RAW #BWF #MNBW
@Whovian_23 You know Cole I’m pretty sure that a good broadcast journalist is meant to be unbiased and…. oh never mind. #WWE #RAW #BWF
Shawn Michaels is going to talk later!! And it’s a Diva’s Battle Royal with Eve on ringside.
Diva’s Battle Royal – Winner will face Eve Torres for the Diva’s Championship
Bella One’s first to be eliminated, then Alicia Fox, then Tamina, Natalya and Melina, Maryse, then a Bella, then the other Bella twin tries to help her sister, and Gail is eliminated. Eve gets in the ring and tries to tell the ref what happened, and the Bellas double team Eve.
Bella… Whichever wins.
Up next, The Rock will respond to John Cena’s rap on him from last week!
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog I couldn’t type a sentence before we got to the final three divas in this battle royal.
@KeepItFiveStar ….Welp. At least we know the WWE is ready for Women’s History Month.
@JRosz78 Really we are fuckin pushin Eve(tranny) and the Bellas? Well now the diva division really is dead! #RAW #BWF #MNBW
@Whovian_23 Why doesn’t the GM just order the Bella’s to wear different clothes during matches? #WWE #RAW #BWF
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last week, John Cena raps on The Rock in response to his comment two weeks ago!>
Live!… via satellite, it’s The Rock!
Rock has on one of Cena’s hats, and mocks the rap style with the childish voice “you can’t see me”. He says:
The Rock is rappin
He’s gone soft
So now he needs
To take this crap off.
Finally, The Rock has come back to Monday Night RAW (via satellite). Wait, The Rock is the champion of the People, the energy of the People, and the Rock is electrifying every inch of the 14,000 strong in the HSBC Arena, which can only mean one thing: Finally, the Rock has come back to Buffalo (via satellite). And it’s that electricity that’s in the air right now, you can cut it with a knife, makes every woman with a beating heart stop and say ‘Damn, I want a piece of the Rock.’, every man with a bit of testosterone that says ‘Damn, let’s whip some candy asses.’, and they’ve got the attention of John Cena. So let Rock get this straight…? He makes his historic return to RAW, electrify the world, speak from the heart to the people, and said exactly how he felt about John Cena. He came back to RAW, kicked down the door, and addressed him like a man, and what does Cena do in response: Raps to Rock? He raps… to Rock? He addresses Rock in the form of rap. Well, of course Cena did, cause that’s how the guy in the purple shirt responds with his dog tag chain and jean shorts. He thought it was funny, it was real funny. Let Rock remind Cena and the world how this whole thing started: It started with Cena publicly running his mouth about Rock, calling him a liar when he says he loves the WWE. Cena said don’t jerk him or the fans around by saying he loves this business and not coming back. By saying that, Cena insulted him and his family. Rock’s love for the WWE is endless. He grew up in the WWE, born in the WWE, his blood is the WWE. His grandfather, the late great High Chief, his father former WWE Tag Team Champion Rocky Johnson, both Hall of Famers, who he inducted. He is standing in his house, this is his collection of WWE Championship titles that he proudly displays. He didn’t show love? Because he accomplished his goals and wanted to achieve more? Rock knew that if he made it in Hollywood, outside of the WWE, that meant one important thing, that he just opened the door, held open the door for the WWE and locker room, and he helped opened the door for Cena. Paved the way for him. And what does Cena do? Publicly insult and knock the People’s Champion. Well, Cena, no, there are consequences, he’s going to pay for running his mouth. He’s just made an open plea to bring it, and trust him, like no one else on this planet, brings it like the Rock. Now, he has just opened the door himself, and on the other side, staring right back at him is the Rock. Sorry guys, it’s a lot of stuff to type as he says it. The Rock is hosting Wrestlemania, but more importantly, he’ll be addressing Cena sooner than he thinks. The Rock electrifies all over the world, his spirit is everywhere, and it’s in that spirit and that electricity that allows the People’s Champ to electrify Buffalo, just… like… that. Buffalo, get ready, cause in a few seconds, you will feel the electricity, because when the Rock addresses Cena, the Rock is never alone, and the Rock means never alone… The Rock is with the millions and millions, bringing it to Wrestlemania and the world. Cena, the Rock ain’t no rapper, and clearly neither are you, but open your ears and shut your mouth, and listen to this very special gift from Rock to Cena: The Rock is back to scratch a major itch, so enjoy your Fruity Pebbles, you Yabba Dabba Bitch. And Cena will smell what the Rock is cookin.
Great big wall of text. I’m sorry, he talks a lot… If I missed stuff, it’s because of all that talking. I do my best, but I’m not that damn good. Hahaha… Anyway.
Coming up, John Cena vs Alex Riley in a steel cage match, but Shawn Michaels is coming up next!
<COMMERCIAL>
@HitTheRopes The Rock opened the door for Cena to star in The Tooth Fairy 2: The Whole Tooth
@KeepItFiveStar “Wait wait wait…so YOU’RE responsible for The Marine and The Chaperon? FUCK YOU, ROCK!” – @lekeithlewis
@KeepItFiveStar Man, The Rock really hates rap. I hope he shoots on R-Truth next. That guy’s always “rapping”
@kickoutblog Uh Rock… you’re at home, not in Buffalo
@Niki_Sushi Rock, diss John Cena all you want, but you’re lining his pockets. #justfyi #raw #raw
@WWE_Creative Finally, @TheRock has come back…to his living room. #RAWTonight
In his living room, Shawn says that he was happy that Taker may get his and Triple H may end the streak, but he’s a little upset that he couldn’t get the job done. Obviously, Shawn has a history with both of them, and he’s been in the ring with both of them. Having been inside the ring with Taker, you almost find yourself at war with a legacy instead of a man. It’s a huge, huge mountain to climb. He doesn’t know another way to describe it.
Shawn says there’s a part of Triple H that can be extremely vicious. Every time Shawn’s ever been in the ring with Triple H, he hasn’t seen a hint of compassion, and he’s one of Triple H’s best friends in the world. Shawn thinks that if there’s anyone who could beat Taker at Wrestlemania, it’s Triple H, and no words do justice to it. There’s a history inside them that so few ever touch. Triple H is his buddy, but Shawn can’t say how he’s going to feel when and if Triple H beats the Streak.
United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs
Before Daniel Bryan can get all the way down to the ring, The Miz comes down and attacks him, throwing him into the barrier before delivering a hard kick to what looked like the side of his head. Miz continues to assault Bryan before putting his foot all over Bryan’s face and standing on Bryan’s face. Miz then kicks him in the head again. My bad, it’s just the steel part, not the padded barrier. Miz stands behind Bryan and gets him up before hitting the Skull Crushing Finale on Bryan on the floor.
And that’s what Bryan gets for not defending the United States Championship on the air recently. … I’m just sayin.
Miz takes the mic and says that just so everyone knows, he did that because he can. Welcome to The Miz Show. He’s done waiting. Lower the cage, and start the match.
I love the steel cage-lowering music, by the way. That creepy feeling tone makes me mark out every single time.
<COMMERCIAL>
@seraphalexiel I love how Daniel’s opponent just decided to chill in the back, not even come out
@CMPunkSays That kid who just yelled at The Miz should never open his stupid mouth ever again. #WWE #KidsAreDumb
@thinksojoe I could’ve stayed home and watched TV. Boo Rock, and boo HBK. #BWF
@Niki_Sushi I know who I’m rooting for! 18-1! 18-1! #Bwf #raw #endthestreak
@CMPunkSays I applaud Shawn Michaels for realizing that the word “epic” is essentially meaningless now. #WWE
@KeepItFiveStar LOL the replay of Daniel Bryan getting attacked and the way his music cut was funny. It made a “WOMP WOMP” sound.
@TKeep123 Daniel Bryan’s head did bounce nicely off he floor… #WWE #RAW #BWF #MNBW
@legendkiller515 oh so now he can do things because he can? what the hell? #wwe #raw #bwf
WWE Champion The Miz joins Cole and Matthews ringside for this match. He says that the attack on Daniel Bryan was a message to The Rock and to John Cena.
Alex Riley vs John Cena in a Steel Cage Match – If Riley loses, he is fired. If Cena loses, he must admit that The Miz is awesome.
BRRRRRRRR YABBA DABBA BITCH
Oh, and there’s no pin-fall or submission. They must escape the cage to win.
Riley goes to leave right away, but Cena pulls him down and hits him. Cena bounces Riley’s head off the turnbuckle, and then slaps him in the chest. Cena suplexes Riley to the ring floor, and kicks him in the kidney. Cena punches him, knees him, and hurls him back down to the ground. Cena goes to leave, but Miz runs over and holds the door closed. Riley knees Cena and Miz slams the door on him. Riley pounds away on Cena and hurls him into the cage. Matthews brings up that Miz said he wouldn’t get involved, and Miz says that he wouldn’t say anything. Miz tells Riley to bring Cena over there, and Miz takes a picture. I’m seriously amused. Riley throws Cena into the cage, but Cena stops and throws Riley into the cage. Miz slips something (a phone) into the cage and then Riley slams it into Cena’s face and crawls to the door, reaching out. Cena grabs Riley’s feet, and Miz grabs his arms, and the two of them tug Riley in opposite directions, but Cena gets Riley in. Cena locks in the STF, and Riley taps, but it doesn’t matter. Miz finally tells Cole to shut up, and Riley doesn’t move. Cena climbs toward the top of the cage, and Miz grabs a chair, waiting for Cena to climb down low enough for Cena to get hit. Cena stands down and watches him in the ring, going for the other side, but Miz smacks the cage with the chair, following him. Riley is up, and puts Cena on his shoulders before just dropping backwards.
Here is the Miz tweet, by the way:
@mikethemiz I’m so awesome.
But he tweeted again!
@mikethemiz Say cheese.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar A twitpic during a match! @mikethemiz THAT’S awesome!
@kickoutblog Okay, The Miz tweeting John Cena’s agony is the greatest thing ever.
@KeepItFiveStar The Miz is tweeting during commentary! That was my gimmick for Melina! Worst Upcoming Women’s History Month EVER! #WomensHistoryMonth
We come back to Riley dropping Cena. Riley punches Cena in the head and tries for a missile drop kick, but Cena holds onto the ropes. Riley misses a clothesline and Cena drops him onto his back. He hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle (and Miz tells Cole to shut up again), before Cena pulls Riley up for the Attitude Adjustment, but Riley grabs onto the cage and tries to climb, only to be followed by Cena. Cena gets his head beat against the cage, and Riley climbs up to the top. He’s on the very top, and Cena gets up with him, straddling the top to try to get Riley back into the ring. They are both at the very top of the cage, and Cena punches Riley in the head, only for Riley to fall just inside the cage, on the top rope. They are both on the top rope again, and Cena bulldogs Riley off the top rope. Cena gets Riley up and hits the Attitude Adjustment. Cena picks up the phone and messes with it before taking a picture of Alex Riley now. He then walks to the cage door, and Miz pushes it closed. Cena and Miz push against the door, before Cena pushes it open and gets out.
John Cena wins.
Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale right after the match, and Miz seems perfectly fine with the fact that Alex Riley just lost. They play a replay, and it does look like The Miz let the door go so that Cena could fall out of the ring…
There’s the show! And… I’ll be back next week, when Stone Cold Steve Austin returns!
Happy Valentine’s Day!! Here at BoredWrestlingFan, we love you all! In a non-creepy kind of way. Like family, really… I love you like brothers and sisters and dysfunctional cousins, and that one uncle who always comes in around Christmas time dressed up like Santa, just to get you to sit on his lap, but always gets punched out by your dad. Yeah. I love you all like that.
Anyway, now that I’ve creeped myself out, who will be the guest host for Wrestlemania? And who is going to be showing themself next week on RAW?! AND WHEN WILL RANDY ORTON WEAR PANTS?! All these questions (or, y’know, just one of them), and more will be answered on tonight’s edition of Monday Night RAW!
Earlier tonight, the RAW GM announced three singles matches: Randy Orton v King Sheamus, John Morrison vs R-Truth, and John Cena vs CM Punk once more, but tonight, there will be a winner and the New Nexus is banned from ringside!!
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRR LOVE YOU TOO!!!
John Cena vs CM Punk – There Must Be A Winner and New Nexus is Banned from Ringside
<VIDEO PACKAGE: After the New Nexus destroys the other Elimination Chamber competitors, John Cena shows the New Nexus that he will not be neutralized.>
Before the match, Cena thanks King for the assist, and comments on the crowd. He says he sees some guys smiling, sweating, and that could only mean that it’s Valentine’s Day. He says it’s good to see all the couples, and nothing really says “I love ya honey” like a pair of tickets to WWE. Love is in the air, but so is Wrestlemania! Tonight’s gonna be big, because tonight we find out who will host Wrestlemania! As we can see, everyone’s talking about it, and there are tons of theories. Lady Gaga (after showing up at the Grammys in an egg), Sammy (after leaving Jersey Shore), but Cena thinks that his theory is the most solid: Michael Cole hosts Wrestlemania. He says that he’s equally upset, but Mr. McMahon said last night (Last week), all this special stuff. Cole gets a special feeling every time the GM sends him an email, Cole has a special attraction to Miz and A-Ry, and something that’s never been seen before? They’ve never seen any absolute proof that Michael Cole is actually a man. Cena says that there’s no need for Cole to stand up and embarrass himself, because he’d look like a host. Tonight, we find out who hosts Wrestlemania, Sunday we find out who goes to Wrestlemania for the WWE Championship. Cena says that after his year, he needs this Wrestlemania moment. At one point, he was a slave, working for a group of radicals, and then he was fired. And then he was living off of powdered milk and Crayola crayons, and then he came back and still had to deal with the group of radicals called the Nexus. The great thing about the Elimination Chamber is that only one man from that group can step inside, and that’s CM Punk-
CM Punk’s music interrupts and Punk comes out with a mic. He says that he does not need to listen to this anymore, just as he does not need the members of the New Nexus to defeat Cena. Cena’s a sports fan, it’s in the history book, the last two times that Punk and Cena met, let the record state: CM Punk: 2, John Cena: 0. He doesn’t need to listen to Cena run down Cole, or the people in Anaheim, because he is a good person. Trust Punk, Cena, even here, good things happen to good people.
The match starts with Punk closing the distance, and the two lock up, only for Cena to push Punk in the corner. Punk seems to have an injured leg, but runs to Cena to miss a clothesline, and throws Punk across the ring, and Punk moves as Cena runs to him, sending Cena shoulder-first into the steel post. Punk gets on the apron, and jumps onto Cena on the outside.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi I think I just heard Cole jizz himself when Punk complimented him. I think it’s a love square here now. #BWF #RAW
@KeepItFiveStar Uh-oh, Punk. Last time someone tried a win-loss countdown with John Cena, they got destroyed. Poor 2009 Miz.
@CMPunkSays So is Michael Cole asexual or a hermaphrodite? #VagueSexualSlurs #WWE
@legendkiller515 cole is a good Samaritan? since when? #bwf
@SadieandCompany Love the Grey’s Sports Almanac reference from @CMPunk! #WWE #BWF
We come back to Punk dominating Cena, and he goes for a cover, but Cena kicks out a two. Punk pulls Cena back up and suplexes him into another cover, but Cena won’t be put away. He latches onto Cena’s shoulder, and Cena gets him off with an arm drag before running right into Punk’s foot, and Punk goes for yet another cover. Punk then wraps his feet around Cena’s waist and applies some pressure. Cena works on getting Punk’s legs out from around him, and tries to lock in the STF, but Punk gets to the rope and elbows Cena off of him. Punk steps on Cena’s head and back, and the ref gets him off. Punk stands Cena up, and delivers a hit to the forehead. Punk continues with some hits to Cena’s head before wrapping it up with a kick to the chest. Punk relishes in the boos for a minute before meeting a punch to the gut by Cena. Cena Whips Punk, who counters, and then Cena hits some shoulder takedowns, and a sidewalk slam. He hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle and goes for the Attitude adjustment, but Punk pushes him off and kicks him right in the face. Punk goes for the cover, but Cena kicks out at two. Punk goes back to the submission, putting Cena’s head in between his legs, but Cena gets him up, and Punk fights his way to safety. Cena reverses and hits a Gutwrench, but Punk gets out of the cover. Cena climbs up on the top rope, but Punk jumps up and kicks him in the head, sending Cena back to the ring. Punk runs across the ring and gives the high knee to Cena before missing the Bulldog, and Cena tries to hit the STF only to get met with a swinging neckbreaker, but Cena kicks out of the cover at two. Punk gets Cena up, but Cena counters and goes for the cover, but Punk kicks out at two. Punk delivers some hard and high kicks and goes for the cover, but Cena kicks out at two again. Punk climbs out of the ring and goes to the top rope, hitting a cross body, but Cena catches him and puts him up for the Attitude Adjustment, and Punk gets the top rope. Cena sends him out of the ring, and Punk gets a chair from someone in Nexus, followed by a wrench. As the ref gets the chair out of the ring, Punk hits Cena with the wrench and hits the Go to Sleep for the win.
CM Punk wins via pinfall.
And there’s the end of RAW! … Oh, wait. It’s still the beginning of RAW…
Josh Matthews is taking the place of Jerry “The King” Lawler because King is taking time off after the death of his mother. Our prayers are with him and his family. But don’t worry, he’ll be at Elimination Chamber.
Still to come, the Wrestlemania guest host!
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Mae Young and Mark Henry’s hand is all grown up and it’s joined the Nexus!
@Niki_Sushi Huh. I haven’t heard any rumors about it being Johnny Depp or Ryan Seacrest. If only. #BWF #RAW
@HitTheRopes Michael Cole lies, NOBODY says it will be Vince McMahon
@legendkiller515 cole just sounds like a hater. he got that #hateration going on #bwf
<WWE Slam of the Week: Two weeks ago, Alberto del Rio announces he is going after the World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania, and proceeds to beat Edge upside the face with a guitar, and then gets him in the Cross Arm Breaker.>
Justin Roberts tells us to welcome Ricardo Rodriguez. He says Ladies and gentlemen, something something something something something, something about a suit, something something, Excellent, Mexico, Alberto del Rio. Thank you Spanish Class! … I hope my Spanish teacher doesn’t watch wrestling, or I’m in trouble. And, now there’s a random plug about the Smackdown! Elimination Chamber match! … Cool. Cause RAW is Smackdown now. I guess.
Alberto del Rio says that his name is Alberto del Rio, but we already knew that. This Sunday, it makes no difference to him who wins the Smackdown Elimination Chamber, because just like it was his destiny to win the Royal Rumble, it is his destiny at Wrestlemania to be the World Heavyweight Champion.
You think you know me…
Edge comes down with his World Heavyweight Championship, and I don’t know how he kept it because I didn’t watch. Edge asks Alberto what’s up, and says that the past two weeks he’s been so busy beating Dolph Ziggler on Smackdown that he almost forgot that del Rio attacked him with a guitar. So, he talks about his destiny, and Edge says he has a destiny too. Wanna know what it is? And then Edge takes del Rio off his feet and pummels him. Edge backs into the corner, and starts to go for the Spear, but Ricardo does what he’s paid for and distracts Edge. Del Rio starts to do something to Edge, but Edge Spears him.
Vickie says this Sunday there will be a World Heavyweight Championship match, but first, she’s there to introduce the new – and then has to excuse herself again – World Heavyweight Champion, her amazing boyfriend, Dolph Ziggler! Okay, last Friday, Vickie tries to Spear Edge, but hurts herself, and Edge takes advantage to Spear Dolph. Edge calls for another ref, and Packers linebacker, Clay Matthews went out and counted for the match.
Vickie says that she has told him over and over and over again that if he uses the Spear, he would face the consequences. This Friday night on Smackdown, they will have the official coronation of Dolph Ziggler as the World Heavyweight Champion. So, Edge, you lost the world title on Friday, and he is about to lose something else: his job. Vickie has proof that Edge is the one who assaulted Teddy Long, and then she cackles. Because this really is Smackdown now. I have a headache now.
Coming up next, Natalya’s getting her rematch for the Diva’s Championship in a Lumberjill match.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: The steps of the shack in the rain. We see a figure in the window. We start to see a face, then the candles are blown out. Johnny Cash’s Ain’t No Grave starts again, and the numbers 2.21.11 show up in fire again.>
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 Vickie reveals she has “PROOF” that Edge attacked Teddy Long…..then she cackles like a hen laying a square egg. #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw
@KeepItFiveStar Wow. Sting really grew his hair out long. And grew a goatee. Man, The Undertaker look is coming back in style. …STINNNNNG!!!
@HitTheRopes SO, how does @HeelZiggler feel about Del Rio doing his whole introduction shtick but with a Spanish flair? Remember Dolph’s, Hi my name is..
@Niki_Sushi You attacked me with a guitar. MEET MY BANJO! #BWF #RAW
@FrankWWEClown Vickie Guerrero’s laugh makes puppies run for their lives, makes babies cry, and made me vomit. Talk about a triple whammy. #WWE #RAW
@ccastagnoli Best evil laugh since Ted DiBiase; @excusemewwe
@ThingsColeSays You know what, could 2.21.11 be the return of Triple H?
Tonight, we have another match I don’t want to watch, as the United States Champion Daniel Bryan will go against the WWE Champion, The Miz!
Natalya vs WWE Diva’s Champion Eve Torres for the Diva’s Championship in a LumberJill Match
I hate Lumberjack/jill matches too.
DON’T SHAKE HANDS! Anyway, Natalya gets Eve down on the match, but Eve gets her out of it, and then they do the same thing. The two then try to go for the same move, and respect one another. Natalya with two covers in a row, but Eve kicks out at two. Eve gets Natalya on her back, but not shoulders down, and Natalya fights to her feet. Natalya drags Eve into the ring, and gets her in that surfboard submission, but Eve gets her hands free and flips free, pinning Natalya, who kicks out at two. Natalya gets Eve in a headlock, but Eve fights out and the two of them exchange move, but Eve hits a handspring moonsault and Natalya kicks out of the cover. Natalya hits the spinning clothesline thing and Eve throws Natalya out of the ring. The bellas attack her, and Maryse Alicia and Melina join, but Gail Kim and Tamina try to help her, and do so. Eve then takes out the heel divas, minus Melina, and it looks like Maryse was hurt more. Eve gets back in the ring, and both Divas are down in the center of the ring. Maryse leaves ringside, by the way. Natalya goes in a roll through, but Natalya’s shoulders are down, and Eve retains.
WWE Diva’s Champion Eve Torres wins via pinfall.
Natalya stands up and the two shake hands again, which just infuriates me.
<COMMERCIAL>
@5CornersxSmootx #RAW Alicia Fox looks like a 6ft prostitute with that red hair.
@KeepItFiveStar Oh God! Maryse! Is she okay?! Somebody check on my fallen angel!
@kickoutblog Eve looks like Wonder Woman and Iron Man had a baby.
@legendkiller515 cole sounds like he never got some valentines love as a kid…he needs help! #bwf
@TKeep123 “Lumber-Jack” matches are usually to end some long terrible feud… This is for Eve and Natalya? What’s the point? #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw
Eve Torres and the Bellas are arguing backstage. One of the Bellas tries to choke Eve, and Gail comes up to help Eve, and then its Eve, Gail and Natalya against the Bellas in some crappy brawl or another. Well, I could be reviewing two people I don’t like shoving their tongues down their throats.
Cole has a lame ass segue turning back over to The Chaperone as we get a ‘sneak peek’, or, y’know… the trailer again.
<VIDEO PACAKGE: The Chaperone trailer.>
Mark Henry-
Mark Henry starts to come out to the ring, but Sheamus comes out and attacks him from behind, delivering a Brogue Kick to him, and then demands the mic, fella!
Sheamus says that to every fella in the Elimination Chamber, that’s a reminder of what he’s capable of. And if they want an even bigger reminder, they can watch what he does to Randy Orton tonight. A ref gets Henry onto his knees and Sheamus Brogue Kicks him again.
WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley make their way to the ring. Oh, and wouldn’t you know it? Michael Tarver’s doin The Creep!
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar What the hell, Natalya and Gail? Eve started the fight! She ran off at the mouth at The Bellas. Called them fat. Heard a racial slur or two.
@TKeep123 Diva Pile…Diva Pile! I so want to be the back-stage Ref! #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw
@HitTheRopes The backstage brawl was slightly better than the actual title match. #WWE
@Niki_Sushi Well. Looks like a Bella is getting fired. Didn’t you learn from leering at Daniel that choking is BAD? #BWF #RAW
@CMPunkSays I figured it out. Michael Tarver has been dead the whole time, BUT HE DOESN’T KNOW IT. #WWE #AsDirectedByMNightShyamalan
@KeepItFiveStar LOL Michael Tarver should come out The Creep by The Lonely Island featuring Nicki Minaj
@Niki_Sushi And he’s out! See ya later, Mark! Nice seeing you. #BWF #RAW #SameTimeNextWeek
@ThingsColeSays HAHAHAHAHAHA, MIZ JUST SHOVED DOWN CENA’S BEST BACKSTAGE FRIEND.
@kickoutblog Okay, Miz shoving that guy was hilarious.
@AkatsukiArtist @kickoutblog HE JUST SHOVED STAN
@kickoutblog Good thing Alex Riley keeps Miz’s soul in that briefcase, otherwise Michael Tarver would’ve enjoyed a late dinner
@JonHexLives The Miz shoving random backstage guy was easily the best thing he’s done since stealing Angry Miz Girl’s Slammy. #WWE #RAW #BWF
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last Monday, Jerry “The King” Lawler and United States Champion Daniel Bryan defeated Ted DiBiase and WWE Champion The Miz>
AWESOME!
WWE Champion The Miz with Alex Riley vs United States Champion Daniel Bryan
It looks like Alex Riley is on commentary again, which really kind of sucks. Though, I did laugh at Cole and Riley shaking hands, and then Cole backhanding Matthews. I did laugh.
Miz and Bryan circle one another, and lock up, Miz getting Bryan in a headlock. Miz then knocks Bryan down. The two lock up again, and Bryan gets a few arm drags on Miz. Miz elbows Bryan, and then avoids Bryan’s kick, only to get hit by two missile dropkicks in a row, and Miz kicks him in the face. Miz then attacks Bryan repeatedly. I’d go into more detail, but the damn cameras keep going to the announce table. Miz puts pressure on Bryan’s jaw, putting him in a headlock, and Bryan fights out. Bryan runs at Miz, but they both fall over and have a ‘what the fuck?!’ moment, and Bryan puts Miz in a headlock. Miz Whips Bryan and then elbows him so hard that Miz is knocked over too before going to the cover. Bryan kicks out, and Miz comes back at him, putting Bryan in a headlock. Bryan and Miz duke it out with a few hits, and then Bryan Whips Miz, who counters and then Bryan flips out of the corner and retaliates with a clothesline. Miz gets up in the corner and Bryan plants his feet in Miz’ chest before going for the cover, but Miz kicks out. Miz plays possum and fights back, but Bryan drops him on the outside of the ring. Miz stands up, Bryan runs at him, but Miz moves. Bryan then launches himself at Miz outside the ring. Bryan throws Miz back into the ring and goes up top, and plants his feet in Miz’s chest again, but Miz kicks out of the cover at two. Miz is on his feet, and he is lured into the LaBell Lock, but Miz gets to the ropes first. The two seem to fight for a minute in the ropes before Miz hits a neckbreaker and deposits Bryan outside the ring.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar OH! What a neckbreaker by Miz! Damn!
@Niki_Sushi NO! WHY CAN’T I EVER ESCAPE!? I’m going to start crying every time I heard this damn song now. Daniel, just… go away. Please. #BWF #RAW
We come back to Miz in control, and he gets Bryan up on the top rope, delivering some this to him. Miz tries to go for the suplex that no one seems able to hit anymore, and he manages to get Miz from the top to the ring on his back in record time, but Miz still kicks out from the cover. Bryan’s on his feet first and delivers some hard kicks to Miz’ chest, rapid-fire. Miz ducks under his next one and goes for a cover, but Bryan kicks out at two. Miz does it again, but Bryan kicks out again. Miz starts to drop Bryan onto his knee, but Bryan counters and kicks him in the chest again, but Miz kicks out of the cover at two. Bryan tries to get the LaBell Lock in again, but Miz gets up to his feet, and Bryan jumps onto his shoulders before dropping Bryan right on his face. Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale for the win.
WWE Champion The Miz wins via pinfall.
Miz stays in the ring after his match and asks if everyone saw what he did to the United States Champion Daniel Bryan? He knows everyone saw what he did, but there’s one person that didn’t see: Jerry “The King” Lawler. We all know Jerry’s unfortunately not here tonight, because his mother passed away. Therefore, Miz would like to take this moment to offer his sincere condolences. And yet he still gets boo’d. However, Miz says, he hopes that Jerry doesn’t use this as an excuse as to why he loses his match on Sunday at the Elimination Chamber. Because if Miz wants him to hear one thing, it is that The Miz will still be WWE Champion because he’s The Miz and he’s AWESOME!
Apparently, the rumors about the host of Wrestlemania have included every celebrity. I heard it’d even be Elvis!
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar That could’ve went down a really bad road. Thankfully it didn’t! #MizIsAwesome
@CMPunkSays HE’S GOING FOR THE NUCLEAR HEAT #Miz #WWE
@BrdWrstlngFn I see a lot of hate for @MikeTheMiz on here. Means he’s doing his job. Keep up the good work, Miz!
@HitTheRopes Lol, people starting freaking out thinking the WWE would have Miz go in on Lawler’s tragedy. Good job there WWE. Respectful and sells match
Michael McGuillicutty and David Otunga with Mason Ryan vs John Morrison and R-Truth
HOLY SHIT TRUTH’S DREADS ARE GONE! Oh, not they aren’t.
During the commercial, the RAW GM made this match to allow Truth and Morrison a chance at revenge, or something. Truth starts out with McGuillicutty and starts beating him up, but McGuillicutty fights back, only to get beat again. Morrison has some red around his eyes, and Otunga distracts the ref, so Morrison goes to get him, and Ryan gets Truth out of the ring and kicks him in the ribs. McGuillicutty climbs out of the ring and rams him kidney-first into the apron before hitting him again. McGuillicutty throws him into the ring and goes for the cover, but Truth kicks out at two. McGuillicutty tags in Otunga, who suplexes Truth and goes for a cover, only for Truth to kick out. Cole and Matthews argue over Punk’s victory as Otunga works on weakening Truth. Truth fights back and dodges a wild clothesline before dropping Otunga on his neck. Truth and Otunga are both down in the middle of the ring and Morrison gets in against Otunga. Morrison drops Otunga and hits him repeatedly, obviously furious about the attack on him last week. Otunga tags McGuillicutty in, but Morrison doesn’t care. He’s gone Hulk, and proceeds to just beat the shit out of McGuillicutty now. I’m not sure if the ref or Truth are safe either. Morrison works harder on kicking the shit out of McGuillicutty, and the ref finally gets him off of Otunga, and Morrison kicks Ryan away from the ring before sending Truth out on Ryan. Morrison kicks, or knees, McGuillicutty in the face and pins him for the win.
R-Truth and The Hulk John Morrison win.
Mason Ryan attacks Morrison from behind, but Morrison and Truth fight him out. The ref raises his hand and Morrison jerks it away to glare threateningly at Nexus.
Chris Jericho’s new autobiography, Undisputed, is available Wednesday! It’d be the perfect late Valentine’s Day present for your favorite RAW Reviewer, just so you know…
Coming up, the guest host of Wrestlemania will be announced, and Randy Orton and Sheamus will go one-on-one.
<COMMERCIAL>
@CMPunkSays Did John Morrison just activate Devil Trigger? #WWE
@KeepItFiveStar John Morrison’s traded in the Parkour for Hardcore! He is PISSED!
@Niki_Sushi No, it goes like this. ‘JoMo used DUCT TAPE! It’s SUPER EFFECTIVE!’ #BWF #RAW
@JRosz78 At least they didn’t give that crackhead R-Fail a mic to fuck up this week! #RAW #WWE #BWF
The co-star to Triple H in The Chaperone is here, Ariel Winter, I mean. She says that she’s excited to be in the ring on Monday Night RAW. Good for her. As we know, in The Chaperone, Triple H plays her father. Not only is tonight Valentine’s Day, but tonight is the night for the Khali Kiss Cam, and I think Cole reacted with my reaction. Ugh.
Khali says something and I heard Kiss Cam, and I think he said BLAH BLAH BLAH! Ranjin says that he said Welcome to a special Valentine’s Day Kiss Cam! For the first time ever, Khali won’t be kissing anyone, but everyone else, backstage or in the front, gets to kiss. Audience, audience, Santino and Tamina, (with the Cobra trying to kiss), then Vickie and Dolph (who looks disgusted), audience, Maryse and Ted (and Maryse totally says no and kisses Yoshi instead!), Zack and Regal (OMG REGAL KISSED HIM!), audience, Hornswoggle?! Horny comes out with chocolates for Ariel, which is cute. He gives her the box, and then goes to leave, but she kisses his cheek. He hugs her and lifts her, spinning her around. Ariel then totally loses the chocolates all over the ring.
Still to come, that stuff I said before was still to come.
Randy Orton is making his way to the ring!
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog William Regal is so manly, he’s totally comfortable with kissing another man.
@KeepItFiveStar OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! YOSHI TATSU GET YOU SOME!!!
@HitTheRopes Ariel Winter’s jacket is cool. And she dances better than Khali, not that that is difficult.
@Niki_Sushi Regal is my damn hero. Not many men are comfortable enough with themselves to kiss another man. #BWF #RAW
@KeepItFiveStar Awww. Chocolate botch! Mark Henry’s like “I’m on my way!” *Mark Henry runs to the ring with Ultimate Warrior like speed*
@FrankWWEClown Hornswoggle, that’s illegal. You have a full beard. That girl is like 10 years old. You little creep, you. #WWE #RAW
@HitTheRopes William Regal just wanted to get Zacked! @ZackRyder
@CMPunkSays REGAL! You cheeky bugger, you. #WWE
@kickoutblog Chris Hansen returns to Dateline NBC this week with “To Catch A Leprechaun”
@TKeep123 Next week Chaperone HHH shows up to kick the crap out of Hornswaggle for sleazing on his ‘daughter’… #WWE #RAW #BWF
@JRosz78 #RAW was goin so well then they throw this PG kid crap in there! SMH #RAW #BWF
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Repeat of the above 2.21.11 teaser.>
Tonight’s order is screwing with me… Seriously… Shouldn’t the Wrestlemania guest host announcement come before this match? Aw, whatever.
King Sheamus vs Randy Orton
Orton comes out to the ring and looks over his shoulder, just in case.
Orton and Sheamus lock up, and trip over one another against the ropes. Orton backs up and Sheamus kicks him, hitting some hard hits before Whipping Orton, but Orton counters and takes Sheamus down before pounding on him and stomping on his head. He then goes to drop his knee on Sheamus, but Sheamus moves and hits him back, punching him in the head. Sheamus punches Orton, and Orton retaliates with a back breaker. Orton then drops the knee on Sheamus and goes for a cover, but Sheamus kicks out at two. Sheamus shoves Orton’s face into the turnbuckle, and then Sheamus takes Orton down with a clothesline. Sheamus goes for a cover, but Orton powers out. Sheamus steps on Orton’s chest before pushing Orton’s neck into the middle rope. Sheamus hits Orton’s chest with five or six hard forearms, and then drives his thigh into Orton’s face. Orton gets up and Sheamus swan dives into the ring and takes Orton down, going for a cover, but Orton kicks out at two. Sheamus goes for a submission, but Orton fights quickly to his feet, and Sheamus holds on, getting Orton back on the ring mat. Orton fights back up and fights out of the submission, delivering some head butts before getting kicked, but retaliating with two clotheslines and a scoop slam. He Whips Sheamus, and then kicks him in the chest, going for something, but Sheamus hits the Irish Curse Backbreaker, and Orton kicks out of the following cover at two. Sheamus punches him in the head and then puts him on the top rope. Orton takes a hit, and then Sheamus goes for the super plex, and Sheamus hits the super plex! Sheamus gets up, but Randy hits the RKO out of nowhere!
Randy Orton wins via pinfall.
Punk slides into the ring with the New Nexus right after Orton’s victory, and John Morrison comes out to help Orton, followed by R-Truth and finally John Cena. Randy RKOs Otunga, then McGuillicutty, and then attacks Ryan, before Cena and Randy both throw Ryan out, and Punk tries to get Randy in the Go to Sleep, but Randy counters and pushes Punk to Cena, who hits the Attitude Adjustment.
Backstage, a limo pulls up. The door opens, and heels are what come out of the limo.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Sheamus is like an RKO Magnet
@kickoutblog I actually think Sheamus and Orton have chemistry, they just haven’t found the right mixture yet. #SCIENCE
@KeepItFiveStar IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!!
@ThingsColeSays TOO MANY LIMES, TOO MANY LIMES!
@Niki_Sushi I’m open to just about anyone, but if it’s Stephanie McMahon, I’m going to whip her with Cole’s tie.. using Daniel’s arms. #BWF #RAW
And the host of Wrestlemania 27 is…
IF YOU SMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL!!!!!!!!
The Rock has finally returned to the WWE, and what a way to do it! He gets an absolutely astounding pop, so much so that I actually turned down my TV a little to try to save my head from exploding. Then again, it already hurts, so… yeah.
Silence, jabronis! The Rock has a microphone!
Rock goes to speak, but they start cheering him again.
Rock says after seven long years, finally, finally, finally the Rock has come back to Anaheim! Which means, finally, the Rock has come back to Monday Night RAW! Which means, finally, the Rock has come back home. Before The Rock gets into that, before we electrify, before we turn this out tonight, for those of you who don’t know, the Rock has many nicknames: The Great One, The Most Electrifying Man in All of Entertainment, The People’s Champion. But he wants to tell us something that’s important right now, as Dwayne. It’s been a long time since he’s been back. Seven years, to be exact. But he wants to take this moment, in the middle of this ring, to tell us why he’s back. It’s not because of the money, it’s not to promote a movie, he is back in the middle of this ring, because of us, the WWE Universe. When he left the WWE seven years ago, he dreamed big, and we dreamed big with him, and we helped him to do that because we never left his side. And he wants to take a moment to tell everyone here, millions watching around the world, thank you, he loves us, and it is because of us that he is back, and it is because of us, and he gives us his word, that he is never ever going away. Simply put, the Rock is back. He’s back because he wanted to do something unprecedented, host Wrestlemania! So it happened, Rock called Mr. McMahon. McMahon knew why he was caling, there was only one man electrifying enough, who can captivate the world, Rock, that man can only be, Justin Beiber-?! But Rock told Vince, no no no nononono. The Rock knows Justin, he’s cool, but make no mistake about it, there’s only one man capable enough host Wrestlemania, The ROCK! I forgot how fast this man talks. The Rock is going to Wrestlemania, is hosting Wrestlemania, and at the drop of a dime, the Rock with Layeth the Smackdown at Wrestlemania! But, to who? That’s the question. Could it be the WWE Champion, The Miz? Rock hears “I’m awesome” all the time. If you gotta run around telling everyone how awesome you are, it means you completely suck. But, there’s one more man, who the Rock wants to see, one more man the Rock is gonna see:
Cole says he has gotten an email, and Rock says WHOA! Rock says that if Cole takes one more step toward that computer, the Rock will slap the taste out of his mouth so hard he’ll never get it back. Does Cole think that Rock is going to let him interrupt Rock when he’s live on RAW? Does he actually think that anyone gives a damn what the General Manager has to say? Cole, is that what you think? Cole says – IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! And what you do, Cole, is sit your ass down, take off your headset and don’t say a word. And Rock Quotes: “Know your damn role and shut your damn mouth.” Cause if he doesn’t, Rock will post some cool pictures on the Rock’s FaceBook. Facebook.com/DwayneJohnson. If Cole does it, Rock will step out of that ring, go over to the computer, shine it up nice, turn it sideways, and stick it straight up Michael Cole’s candy ass! Rock calls him a drunk hobbit and tells him to sit down.
Cole is pouting. It’s epic.
There is one man who the Rock is going to see, one man who the Rock has to see face-to-face. A guy who he met and thought was a cool guy, wished him well, happy for his success, and when the Rock leaves, he starts talking trash about the Rock. Rock doesn’t know and doesn’t care, and that’s John Cena. So, let Rock get this straight: The WWE has gone from the powerful Austin 3:16 to the Dominant and Iconic Can You Smell What the Rock is Cookin’, to… you can’t see me? What, are you playing Peek-a-boo? Believe Rock, we can all see you. A blindfolded, sleeping, stuck-in-the-basement Stevie Wonder can see your ass. How the hell do you think we can miss? Bright ass purple, green, orange shirt, lookin like a big fat bowl of Fruity Pebbles. Cena, Rock will see you at Wrestlemania. Just like the Rock will see Miz, and just like he will see everyone, and just as sure as the Rock turns Wrestlemania into the most epic Wrestlemania ever, and just as sure as Rock guarantees that he’ll show he’s the most electric man in entertainment, layeth the Smackdown at any moment, the Rock and the millions, and the millions, and the millions of the Rock’s fans go to Wrestlemania and electrify, if you smell-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l what the Rock….
….
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
Is cookin.
Well. There’s RAW. While I’m very glad that Rock is back, I think that they should have cut his mic time in like… half. I’m exhausted. Anyway, excited for Wrestlemania now! See you all next week.
Hello everyone! Terribly sorry about my absence the last two weeks, but things were crazy. Huge thank you to G for taking over the RAW review when my brother came in, and sorry about no RAW review being up last week. Turns out, the boss man, ThinkSoJoE, is having some computer problems, so no one was able to cover. BUT THAT’S OKAY! We’re here now! Or, at least, I am.
Tonight, Punk takes over as leader of the Nexus, and John Cena’s going to confront him for the first time since Punk showed interest two weeks ago! And I’ve been hearing rumors about a Hall of Fame nomination!
Strangely enough, we start out Monday Night RAW with a tag team title match! … No opening promo?!
WWE Tag Team Champions Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov with Tamina vs ??? for the WWE Tag Team Championship
Before their opponents can even be announced, Nexus comes out and demolishes the tag team championships. Tamina is nowhere to be seen, and Punk enters the ring rather calmly, watching the chaos. Nexus clears the ring of the champs, thus answering my question about an opening promo. Turns out we’re gonna get one.
Punk says that he’s sorry and I notice he’s wearing black and yellow shoes. He says that the tag team title match is rescheduled for a later date. Ever since Nexus has made its impact on RAW, it’s been the most dominant force the WWE has ever seen. And, as scary as it sounds, they are even stronger now. He tells Nexus that each and every single one of them has the ability and chance to shine brighter than any other Superstar in history. He can give them the chance to succeed, and says that Barrett consistently failed at setting any kind of example. Two weeks ago, Punk single-handedly put Cena out of the equation. That’s right, their hero in all of his broken down hero will appear tonight. Cena will, he’s hoping, deliver a tear-jerking encore farewell speech tonight. Cena’s days of Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect are over, while Punk’s are just beginning. And then, the coup de gras later tonight, in an act of selfless leadership, Punk will make the ultimate sacrifice when he initiates himself the new leader of the new Nexus. But, he’s getting ahead of himself. His won’t be the only initiation tonight. Each one of the Nexus must prove to themselves, the group, to Punk, to these ‘worthless people’ that they have what it takes to belong in the new Nexus. If they all pass, the Nexus will be at the apex of their power, and they will not only take over RAW, but the WWE entirely.
Otunga takes the mic, damn it, and Otunga says that he speaks for all of Nexus and they would be honored to be initiated into the new Nexus tonight. Punk says that the honor will all be his. Punk starts with McGuillicutty, and says that he’s up first. He knows, Punk knows, the people knows, that Nexus is famous for these group attacks. They’ve beaten down Hall of Famers, the Chairman, and John Cena too. McGuillicutty’s initiation is to be on the receiving end of a beat down. Husky’s name is called and he’s told to start it. Husky looks at McG for a minute, Otunga takes the initiative and starts it, dropping him. Slater asks what the hell he just did, and Punk goads Slater into action. Husky looks at him again, and then drops himself onto McGuillicutty. Husky and Otunga move McGuillicutty to the corner, and Punk leads Gabriel up to the corner, where the Axe Murderer of Nexus Gabriel stands up and hits the 450 Splash. Punk kneels in front of McGuillicutty, and Nexus puts him on Punk’s shoulders, and Punk finishes it off with the Go to Sleep. Punk leaves, and Nexus carries the unmoving McGuillicutty off.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi ‘It wasn’t your turn! >:O’ ‘YOU TOOK TOO LONG!’ #BWF #RAW
@HitTheRopes David Otunga speaks for no one. Not even for himself. We all know, J-Hudson speaks for him.
@kickoutblog CM Punk is the only one with the right to wear pants though.
@StrikerSays Is The Nexus going to be CM Punk’s new SES? Are they all going to shave their heads?
@CMPunkSays Screw your tag team titles, it’s NEXUS TIME! #WWE
@Lunna1969 Isn’t that how gangs do their initiations? #WWE #RAW #BWF
@JonHexLives Nexus CM Punk shirts! #WWE #RAW #BWF
DAMN IT! R-TRUTH IS BACK!
R-Truth vs Alberto del Rio
If del Rio honks that horn one more time, I’m bitch slapping his face off.
Truth goes for del Rio, but del Rio moves, and Truth chases him, throwing him into a corner and then yelling WHAT’S UP at the crowd. Del Rio is sick of Truth’s shit and gets the momentum before going for a cover, but Truth kicks out at two. Is it just me, or does the arena look smoky? Anyway, del Rio Whips Truth, then misses a clothesline. Truth counters with a head scissors and then clothesline. Truth runs back at del Rio, and clotheslines him out of the ring, sending them both to the floor. The ref starts a count, and it takes a few minutes before either man moves. Del Rio attacks Truth, who attacks back. But, Ricardo Rodriguez starts yelling at Truth, and Truth gets counted out thanks to that.
Alberto del Rio wins via count out.
Del Rio takes the mic and says that’s another victory for him! But we already know that. We also know that his destiny is to win the Royal Rumble, and headline Wrestlemania. Okay, he knows that’s a different story, because tonight they’re in Nashville! The music city? Oh, you silly, silly, Americans. You don’t know anything about music. You don’t know anything about culture. Oh, del Rio, these people will kill you outside the arena. All they know is about their Justin Biebers, Idols, hip-hop, and that horrible and boring country music. This is a bad place to diss country music… In Mexico, they know about music. They know about culture. He says to allow a man with many attributes to show them real music, mariachi music! He motions to Ricardo and asks him to sing. Ricardo says that he can’t sing, probably thanks to that hit he just took to the face, and del Rio asks nicely. Ricardo takes the mic and sings La Cucaracha. Which I learned in Spanish. He’s really not that great at it, but I can’t blame him.
Two weeks ago, Punk gave Cena a Go to Sleep, and tonight, Cena is going to confront him. Holy crap, Ricardo is jamming. Tonight, we have to watch yet another John Morrison and King Sheamus match. Goodie. Why am I always covering RAW when people who can’t sing try to? Anyone remember Mark Henry rapping?
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar “And I haven’t even started yet!” You have started! You’ve been doin this shitty song for like 5 years!
@Niki_Sushi DAMMIT! Just when I thought I escaped it! Truth, how bout you go to TNA too? CAROLINA CONNECTION! :B #BWF #RAW
@kickoutblog Okay, if Del Rio starts winning every match by count-out, he’s going to become the world’s greatest asshole.
@typicalROHfan CAN DEL RIO RUN OVER R TRUTH WITH HIS CAR?
@JonHexLives I’m hoping Alberto Del Rio does at least one promo where he warms up like Ramses from NACHO LIBRE. #WWE #RAW #BWF
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Two weeks ago, WWE Champion The Miz violently attacks Jerry “The King” Lawler.”>
Jerry says that he’d be lying if he said he was fully recovered. Cole says that Randy will be sorely disappointed when he can’t take the WWE Championship from The Miz. Cole tells Jerry to apologize, but we have an email.
“Recently, Michael Cole has been on the receiving end of a lot of criticism. However, I support Michael Cole in every conceivable way. Even though, he’s a conceited, pompous, arrogant, self-centered, pretentious jerk. Okay, just kidding. The reality is that Michael Cole has done a phenomenal job and is the epitome of manhood. I wish we had more people like him, with the guts to stand up against popular opinion. Michael is an award winning journalist, a two-time Slammy award winner. He is witty, highly intelligent, and not to mention, handsome. Ladies and gentlemen, the highest honor one can achieve is to refer to themselves as a Cole Miner!”
Jerry finally interrupts, and my dinner stays in my stomach. Jerry says that he’s just received a message from the entire WWE Universe, and he quotes: “Will you please SHUT UP?” Really, Cole, nobody in their right mind would ever even think, say, or much less type, that Cole is handsome. What he really is is a coward. Cole says that Jerry can’t touch him or he’ll be ordered, but Jerry slams the laptop shut.
Cole says it still works.
“I assure you that Michael Cole is not a coward. And King, neither are you. That’s why I know that even though your body hasn’t fully recovered, you can’t wait to exact revenge. Therefore, tonight, WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley will take on the team of Jerry “The King” Lawler, and Randy Orton.”
Punk is backstage and says that McGuillicutty’s in and passed with flying colors. Husky’s next. His initiation, if he chooses to accept, is in his left hand. He will willingly, without reprisal, take three lashes from everybody, with… a strap? A belt? Something. Husky says he accepts. Punk tells him to take the shirt off. Husky takes the shirt off, and Otunga starts. Justin’s next, and doesn’t seem as anxious as Otunga was. Slater comes up, and seems more discontent with the belt than with Husky. Punk tells them to get Husky up and hold his arms. Then, Punk delivers eight quick snaps with the belt.
<COMMERCIAL>
@RhymesWithPen CM Punk is treating Nexus like a frat, but lets be serious, no frat would ever allow Heath Slater to be a brother …
@KeepItFiveStar This is payback for the last week’s RAW/Smackdown with all that wrestling
@Niki_Sushi I have officially gotten to the point that until I see Cole, I literally can NOT hear him. I’ve blocked him out. #BWF #RAW
@kickoutblog Just when you thought it couldn’t get creepier than the opening segment, New Nexus turns to S&M
@jaded_prinz Ugh Raw has now turned into mini Bondage bear porn featuring a submissive Husky Harris lol
@dasharpshooters I guess Husky couldn’t remember the safe word. #wwe #raw
United States Champion Daniel Bryan and Mark Henry with The Bella Twins vs Ted DiBiase and Tyson Kidd with Maryse
Bryan and DiBiase start out the match with Bryan dominating. However, Bryan gets distracted and goes to take Kidd out of the match, but DiBiase throws him out of the ring. Kidd sneaks in a hit real quick and then DiBiase brings Bryan back in. DiBiase tags in Kidd, who keeps Bryan in the corner. Kidd distracts the ref, and DiBiase chokes Bryan. Kidd tags in DiBiase, and DiBiase gets Bryan in the center of the ring with a headlock. Bryan fights out and bounces off the ropes, hitting a hard clothesline on DiBiase. Bryan tags in Henry, and DiBiase tags in Kidd. Kidd runs face first into a clothesline, and then is head butted to the ground. Twice. Kidd crawls away and Henry runs toward him in the corner, but Kidd dives over and tags DiBiase in. They hit a double dropkick, but Ted is hit by a clothesline and Kidd is hit by Bryan. Then, Henry hits the World’s Strongest Slam for the win.
Mark Henry and the United States Champion win via pinfall.
Later tonight, WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley will take on Jerry “The King” Lawler (again) and Randy Orton. We have The Big Show here tonight and we find out why next.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog No Jackson Andrews with Tyson Kidd, I’m sure that tells you all you need to know about his WWE future.
@TheMizMagnet: GODDAMN IT! JERRY! STOP FIGHTING MIZ! I HATE THESE MATCHES! *storms off* #BWF
@TKeep123 This whole RAW is from a bad parallel world.
@Niki_Sushi I’m not going to be happy with the Diva’s division until A) Bellas are fired for being stupid or B) Awesome Kong comes n eats them #BWF #RAW
@HitTheRopes A couple years ago Mark Henry would have been ALL over them twins. #wwe
@KeepItFiveStar Mark Henry continues to be a threat for the Royal Rumble
On NXT, that guy with the giant nose was eliminated, and Dolph Ziggler said that he was terrible, and basically sucked. Not like anyone cares about NXT.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, it’s a big show!
Between Alberto del Rio and The Big Show, we have been invaded by Smackdown. Awesome. And Show just wiggled his ass. I’m so sorry to that guy in the front row.
Show says thank you very much, and it’s great to be back on RAWR…er… RAW. He is here to discuss some issues. Number one is Wade Barrett. He finds it funny that last week Barrett is knocked out of Nexus, and this coming up Smackdown, he wants to knock Barrett out! Number two, the Royal Rumble. He’s letting every superstar know that they’re on notice. The Big Show is coming to the Royal Rumble and he’s not playing games, go on and main event Wrestlemania-
We walk alone…
Punk, Gabriel, Slater, and Otunga make their way out to the stage, and Punk looks at Otunga, as do the rest of Nexus. Otunga makes his way down to the ring, and this is apparently his initiation. He looks back at Punk, who merely stares at him, and then makes his way into the ring.
Show holds up a finger, and Otunga pushes it down and smacks Show’s ear. Show looks at him, and Otunga looks like he’s just offering himself up for a smack, but then Show kicks him and then throws him out of the ring. Show follows Otunga and chucks him over the announce table. Punk rips his shirt (DAMN IT!), and then delivers that massive slap on the announce table. Show yells at him, and then drops him right on the floor. Show slams Otunga into the steel steps, and then shoves him into the ring. He then choke slams Otunga. Show then delivers the knockout punch to Otunga. Punk, Slater, and Gabriel don’t move, except to raise their fists up. I guess Otunga passed.
Later, Cena will address Punk, and next up, John Morrison will take on King Sheamus.
<COMMERCIAL>
@seraphalexiel I think you can get arrested for this type of hazing
@kickoutblog Seriously, if someone told me I could take 25 lashes from a leather belt or a 25% punch from Big Show, I’d ask for 50 lashes.
@KeepItFiveStar And now the WWE, and Jack Link’s present: Messin With Sasquatch
@RobMcNichol If Henry is Sexual Chocolate, Bryan Danielson must be Erotic Marshmallow.
<VIDEO PACAKGE: Last week’s Falls Count Anywhere Match for the WWE Championship>
John Morrison vs King Sheamus
Sheamus gets a good start in this match, but Morrison fights back, only to eat Sheamus’ knee with his stomach. Sheamus stomps on Morrison, and then continues to methodically pick Morrison apart before bouncing him off his knee. Sheamus goes for a cover, but Morrison kicks out at two. Sheamus puts his foot in Morrison’s throat and then steps off, dominating Morrison. Morrison tries to fight back, but Sheamus puts a stop to that with his elbow in Morrison’s face. Sheamus goes for a cover, but Morrison kicks out. Sheamus puts Morrison into a vicious looking hold that my brain refuses to give me a name for, but Morrison fights out, climbing up to his feet only to take a hit from Sheamus. Sheamus goes to knee Morrison in the stomach again, but Morrison goes for a cover. Morrison kicks out and picks up speed, getting the momentum. He this a heel kick to the jaw before Sheamus crawls into the corner. Sheamus, however, has none of that, and Morrison ends up on his stomach before kicking him again. Morrison plants his feet in Sheamus’ face, and then pulls himself up with a very on-PG pelvic thrust, but Sheamus shoves him out of the ring instead of facing up against Starship Pain.
<COMMERCIAL>
Nobody tweeted anything that I could really use here, so here’s a picture for your entertainment.
We come back to Sheamus dominating Morrison again, but Morrison fights out of the headlock. He goes to Whip Sheamus, but Sheamus drops him onto his back and goes for the cover, only for Morrison to kick out at two. Sheamus holds Morrison’s head off the apron, and drops hard elbows onto Morrison before letting him roll back into the ring and going for another cover. Morrison kicks out at two again, and Sheamus puts him in another submission. Morrison fights to his feet, and then out of the hold, fighting back against Sheamus with quick punches and kicks. Morrison pulls Sheamus out of the corner, and then goes for the flash kick, but Sheamus ducks it. Sheamus runs across the ring at Morrison, but Morrison pulls down the top rope and sends Sheamus out. Morrison then jumps out of the ring, attempting a suicide dive, but Sheamus plants his knees into Morrison’s ribs. Sheamus then plants Morrison onto the steel steps, ribs-first, and rolls him into the ring. Sheamus gets ready to use the Brogue kick, but Morrison fell onto his ass, and Sheamus just kicks him in the back. Sheamus then puts Morrison on the top of the turnbuckle and climbs up after him, because this always ends well, , but Morrison drops onto the steps and puts Sheamus’ face into the steel post before hitting something I missed and winning.
John Morrison wins via pinfall.
Now we’re reminded of McGuillicutty’s initiation into Nexus, then Husky’s initiation, and then Otunga’s demise at the hands of The Big Show.
Punk is holding onto two Singapore canes, and says that Otunga did well and is in. Punk says that Slater and Gabriel’s initiations… He’s not going to beat them with the kendo sticks, my bad, and Punk says that they’re going to beat each other with the kendo sticks until he tells them to stop. Punk says he’s serious, and neither one looks like they want to do it, and this is going to be an EPIC LIGHTSABER DUEL! Neither one moves to do anything, and Punk just watches like, “you fucking babies” before he stops them. Punk says that if they’re not in, they’re out. He expects home runs from all his soldiers, so swing for the fences. Slater and Gabriel look at the frustrated Punk, weapons in hand, and Punk asks them if they’re going to hit him, then tells them to do it. They both drop the Kendo sticks, and then walk out of the locker room.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 Please…PLEASE hit Punk with those sticks! Get some balls! #WWE #RAW #BWF
@HitTheRopes It’s a light sabers duel. #StarWarsMeetsWWE
@Niki_Sushi Awwww! I’m so proud of Justin! Punk kinda looked like he was gonna eat their faces, though. #RUNFORTHEHILLS #BWF #RAW
@stephensonmc @JustinG_Nexus twirled his kendo stick like he was Obi-Wan #Raw
@YourBoyDrew So is anyone else convinced CM Punk runs a BDSM dungeon somewhere?
The first inductee into the Hall of Fame class of 2011 is about to be announced!
Jerry Lawler is in the ring and says that the greatest accomplishment of his career was being inducted into the Hall of Fame. So many individuals, even in childhood, dream of competing in the ring, and less that 100 of them have been inducted into the Hall of Fame. Hall of Famers share qualities like skill, drive, determination, charisma, and the respect of the WWE Universe, and the inductee he’s about to name, has earned the respect of the WWE Universe. He deserves, more than any other, to be a first ballot nominee. And it is the Heart Break Kid Shawn Michaels.
I think I’m cute… I know I’m sexy…
Holy shit, Shawn is there. I hate them right now. But it’s a personal thing. Just ignore me now.
Shawn takes the mic and motions for silence, but a one more match chant start-
Del Rio walks out, obviously not even caring. HE says his name is Alberto del Rio, and Shawn stares at him. Del Rio says that we already know that, and he, he is Shawn Michaels, the Heart Break Kid, the Legend, the Icon, the Showstopper. These people used to cheer Shawn. An HBK chant starts. Del Rio says but now, they cheer him. Which is greeted by a giant boo. It’s simple, del Rio says, that he’s the present and the future of the WWE. And Shawn is just history. After del Rio wins the Royal Rumble match, he’s going to win the Heavyweight or the WWE title, and after that, he will be known as the New Mr. Wrestlemania. And Shawn says nothing, just gives him a good dose of Sweet Chin Music. He then pockets his microphone like a gun, and makes sure his shoe isn’t scuffed up. Shawn then takes the scarf and dances his way back up the stage.
<COMMERCIAL>
@FrankWWEClown Congratulations to @ShawnMichaels_ Can’t wait to be there live to see one of my childhood heros get inducted. #HBK #WWE #RAW
@Lunna1969 Omg I’m actually crying cause I’m so happy! Congrats @ShawnMichaels_
@TKeep123 HBK into the #WWE Hall of Fame! Works for me! Well deserved! #WWE #RAW #BWF
@CMPunkSays I am grinning my face off. #HBK #WWE
@Niki_Sushi I just joygasm’d right here. Very few people have done everything Shawn did and incited the same love and adoration he has. #ThankYouShawn
@Niki_Sushi Shawn, keep that scarf. You’ll need it for the weather down there. #BWF #RAW
@HitTheRopes Shawn Michaels didn’t plan on going hunting but he just bagged himself a wild Del Rio.
@KeepItFiveStar Alberto Del Rio and his scarf just got Sweet Chin Music! That’s unfair. The scarf had nothing to do with this!
@TKeep123 Is there anyone that doesn’t see Sweet Chin Music in ADR’s future? #WWE #RAW #BWF
@Saiyavenger Sweet Chin Music. Still epic in ways even complex flippy-dippy finishers only wish they could be.
@RingsideRants ADR had time to shower and put a suit on after his match, but Otunga couldn’t even change his shirt?
Riley is excited about Lawler and Orton being in the ring at the same time, but Miz doesn’t seem excited, and asks what’s wrong with Miz. Miz says that in two week’s time, he’s attacked a Hall of Famer and defended his title in a match that people should be talking about. But no, people are talking about Randy Orton. People are saying that it’s a fact that Randy will win The Miz’ championship at the Royal Rumble. NO matter what he does, people won’t give him the respect that he has earned. Tonight, in their match, he doesn’t just want to beat them, he wants to demoralize, embarrass, and hurt them, so they can show the world that the only fact is that he’s going to be the WWE Champion for a very, very long time. Alex starts to say his catchphrase, but Miz stops him and says that catchphrases are for closers, and he won’t’ say it until after he finishes Randy Orton tonight
Cole is in the ring and says that they are about to be joined by John Cena. Two weeks ago, John Cena was assaulted by the new Nexus and their soon-to-be new leader, CM Punk. Punk interrupts from on top of the tron, which is pretty badass. Punk says that they are through talking about John Cena, and this is the CM Punk show now. What he wants to talk about is the new Nexus. What tonight has shown is that McGuillicutty, Harris, and Otunga have proven themselves strong enough to be in the new Nexus. They sacrificed themselves through their initiations, and now he is prepared to do the same. His initiation will be the ultimate sacrifice, and it is his hope and dream that through his sacrifice, it will prove that not only was he a member of Nexus, but he was their leader. Should he dive off this tro- Jesus Christ Nashville wants death. Fucking hell. Punk asks if he should break every bone in his body, rupture every muscle, and Matthews says no. So do I. Punk spreads his arms, and pauses. He says there’s one question he needs to ask: How gullible are all of you people? He’s wearing a bright yellow harness. He has two guys spotting him. He’s safer there than anyone in their seats. He then says what kind of an idiot jumps off the tron? Consider themselves initiated, Nashville, they are all the biggest, mindless, group of sheep – JERICHO! – he has ever seen in his entire life. The injured, but members, of Nexus make their way out to the ring, short Gabriel and Slater.
Punk is in the ring now and says that if anyone watching actually thought he was going to jump off the tron, they are stupid. He takes off his shirt, and says that as we can see, he’s wearing a safety harness, and then says that someone who would consider doing such a rash thing, is mentally challenged (still hating on Jeff Hardy! =D), and he is mentally superior. There’s never been a thought in his mind to jump off the tron, he doesn’t need their approval or initiations, and he is the leader of the new Nexus. Punk says that Cena is no longer there. He got rid of Cena.
Cena’s voice comes and Cena says that he’s there, on that big screen you were gonna jump off of. Cena proceeds to insult him and that kind of thing, and says that he is wasting everyone’s time. Why would he bother to give the new Nexus a physical imitation? He’s already given them one. He said he would get his hands on each and every member of the Nexus, and he di-wait. There’s a new member he hasn’t managed to initiate, and that’s CM Sucks. Punk says he’s not afraid of John, and he will not stand in his ring on his show and be intimidated by John. John says prove it. Next week, CM Sucks faces John Cena in a match. Punk says that he accepts. Cena says he was hoping that Punk would. All those things Punk has been saying about Punk, they’re right. If you provoke him, he’s the most animalistic, brutal, violent, physical man on the planet. That means, next week, Punk gets dealt with. As sure as Cena wears purple and the sun rises in the morning, Punk gets dealt with. Next week, it’s not about t-shirts and armbands, it’s about him whooping Punk’s ass.
Up next, the WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley will take on Jerry “The King” Lawler and Randy Orton.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi What kind of idiot jumps off the Tron?! Me: Jeff Hardy? #BWF #RAW
@KeepItFiveStar “What kind of an idiot jumps off the tron?!” Jeff Hardy
@kickoutblog Punk is gonna Shane-O-Mac it up there.
@CMPunkSays I really wish John Cena wouldn’t bury the best thing in the WWE. That’s just… it’s just wrong.
@ThingsColeSays “CM Sucks” has to stop.
@kickoutblog John Cena’s been watching George Carlin.
@JonHexLives It’s like indie Punk has come back. #WWE #RAW #BWF
AWESOME!
The WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley vs Jerry “The King” Lawler and Randy Orton
Alex Riley and Jerry Lawler start the match, and Lawler goes for Miz, who jumps off the edge of the ring. Riley takes advantage and knocks Lawler down. Riley tags Miz in and Miz knocks Lawler across the ring. Lawler gets Miz down on the mat and begins to pound him. Miz runs out of the ring, but Lawler follows closely. Lawler then bounces Miz’ head off the announce table before sending him into the apron, and then into the steel steps. Miz rolls into the ring off a punch in the face, and then Miz sends his elbow into Lawler’s face and tags in Riley. Lawler sends Riley to the ground and tags in Orton. Riley backs away from Orton who follows, upper cutting him in the corner. The ref has to forcibly remove Orton from Riley, and Orton goes back, Whipping Riley across the ring, only to get a kick to the stomach. Miz is tagged in and hit with a clothesline before Orton stomps on Miz’ face once, then again. Orton then stomps on his stomach and steps on him, tagging in Lawler. Lawler gets Miz to his feet and punches Miz to his knees, twice, three times. King proceeds to unload on Miz in the corner, the referee having to force Lawler off. Miz retaliates with a kick to the face, and then goes over Lawler and punches him repeatedly, having to be forced off by the ref. Miz then sends Lawler to the mat before putting him in a headlock. Lawler fights up to his feet, but gets a knee to the midsection for his troubles. Miz then hits his swinging corner clothesline, sending Lawler face first into the mat.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar C’mon Randy Orton. How you gonna wipe your mouth before coming out to wrestle? Didn’t wash your hands or anything.
We come back to Riley dominating over Lawler, and Riley runs shoulder first into the turnbuckle as Lawler rolls over, and nearly goes to tag in Miz. Riley runs to Lawler, and gets punched in the face for his troubles. Lawler reaches for Orton, but Riley tries to get Miz. Riley manages to tag Miz in, and Lawler technically tags in Orton, but Orton never saw it. Miz sets up the Skull Crushing Finale, but Orton gets in and manages to hit the RKO. Lawler goes for the cover as Orton hides behind the apron, and Riley breaks it up. Riley makes Miz tag him in, but Lawler manages to tag in Orton. Orton hits the scoop slam, and then the back breaker on Riley, all the while, keeping an eye on Miz too. Riley rolls under the ropes, but Orton grabs him and hits that DDT. He then hits the mat and sets up for the RKO. Miz tries to sneak in, but Orton sees him, and Miz slips back out. Riley stands up and tries for something, but Orton hits the RKO. Orton keeps his focus on Miz. Orton moves back and tags in Lawler while Orton stares at Miz. Lawler then drops his right hand on Riley for the win.
Randy Orton and Jerry “The King” Lawler win via pinfall.
Next week, CM Punk and John Cena will finally face off!!
Tonight’s RAW was made up for by the fact that del Rio got Sweet Chin Music’d by Shawn Michaels. And… I wasn’t fond of the main event, but I’m starting to get sick of Jerry wrestling. It’s a personal thing, I suppose. Anyway. We’ll see what happens next week! Later!
