Tag Archive: Music Hits

  1. RYTMAN’S RECAP – RAW 04/22/2013

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    Let’s start with…

    MATCH RESULTS

    1.) R-TRUTH DEF. ANTONIO CESARO – This was kind of a weird match.  Cesaro dominates using his strength and wear-down holds on Truth, until Cesaro misses a clothesline.  Truth takes over with fast-strikes, (mostly kicks,) and gets the win with the face-drop.

    Rytman Remark: What is with the R-Truth winning streak?  Are they building him up to challenge Ziggler?  And why R-Truth as opposed to…anybody else?

    Side Note: The less said about Cesaro yodeling the better.

    2.) DAMIEN SANDOW (w/Cody Rhodes) DEF. BRODUS CLAY (w/”Sweet T” and the Funkadactyls) – Team Rhodes Scholars (Sandow/Cody Rhodes,) come out without the Bellas for the second time this month.  Clay tosses Sandow around with ease, until Sandow takes control with a combo of short-range strikes and mat-wrestling.  Match ends with Cody distracting Brodus and Sandow getting a roll-up with a handful of tights for the three-count.

    Rytman Remark: Without a Bellas/Funkadactyls cat-fight, this feud really has no point.

    3.) ZIGGLER (w/AJ and Big E.) DEF. CHRIS JERICHO – First really good, solid match of the night.  The first high point is Dolph faking out Jericho and sliding out to score a kiss from AJ, and Jericho responding w/a drop-kick to the back of the head.  Ziggler dominates until he gets cocky, and Jericho uses his agility and high-flying moves to make a come-back.  Jericho locks in the “Walls of Jericho,” and just when it looks like Ziggler will tap…

    #DADA-DA-DA-DA-DADA…

    Yup, Fandango’s music hits, and a distracted Jericho takes a Zig-Zag from Ziggler, who gets the pin.

    Rytman Remark: Sorry to see a loss for Jericho, but Ziggy needed the win here.

    4.) “SWEET T” (w/Brodus Clay & the Funkadactyls) DEF. CODY RHODES (w/Damian Sandow)– Pretty much the same match we saw earlier (see Brodus/Sandow,) with the exception of “Sweet T” holding Cody up in the air for a long time (ala Davy Boy Smith’s standing vertical suplex.) Brodus and the Funkadactyls try to get the crowd going with mixed results.  Sandow interferes but Brodus takes him down with a head-butt charge, and “T” catches Cody’s attempted “Beautiful Disaster” kick.  “T” gets a three-count, and we get a dance party.

    Rytman Remark:

    …

    …

    What do you wanna hear?  It was what it was.

    5.) BIG E. DEF. ZACK RYDER – Ryder got in some offense, but this ended with the “Big Ending” by Langston for a three-count.

    Rytman Remark: Let’s face it people, this is the best possible use for Ryder.  At least he’s getting TV time.

    6.) THE SHIELD DEF. THE UNDERTAKER/WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO (KANE/DANIEL BRYAN) – The big match of the night.  Crowd was into this one before it even got started.  Taker makes his entrance alone, and is soon surrounded by the Shield. (See “Angles” below.) Team Hell No run-in just in time and the match gets going.

    Taker’s team took control early w/quick and frequent tags and getting an “old school” spot on Ambrose (second attempt.) They double-teamed Ambrose, then Reigns.  The Shield took over on Kane when Reigns held him for a clothesline/running kick combo from Ambrose/Rollins.  Shield takes turns beating down Kane, but Kane gets Daniel Bryan in, and Bryan has huge crowd support.  He gets the “YES” chants going with every shot he lands until he misses a charging dropkick to Rollins in the corner.

    Shield works over Bryan until Taker gets the hot tag.  Taker is in charge until Reigns gets a spear in.  Kane comes back in and takes over, bringing Bryan back in.  Taker/Kane get into a brawl w/Rollins & Reigns while D-Bry misses the flying head-butt.  Ambrose wraps him up and gets a three-count.

    Rytman Remark: Sorry to see Taker get a loss, but putting over the Shield was the right thing to do.

    7.) FANDANGO DEF. WILLIAM REGAL – Here’s a fun little surprise bonus.  Regal matches Fandango’s hip action w/a little step or two of his own.  The match ends quickly when Fandango catches Regal in the “Dip-DT,” (Copyright, Robert Rytman,) and gets the three-count.

    Rytman Remark: Good to see Regal here in action.  Just now (sadly) realizing how awesome a Regal/Jericho tag team would’ve been.

    8.) DIVA ROYAL – AJ, Layla, Naomi, Aksana, and Tamina.  Diva’s Champ Kaitlyn joins the announce team to scout this match.  The Bellas (according to the announce team) where disqualified from competing in this because of their illegal double team on Kaitlyn last week. (Author’s note: Dafuq?) AJ teases a kissing spot on Tamina, who responds with a kick to the face.  AJ spends the whole match out on her back (Author’s note: SHUT UP PERVS!) while the other ladies eliminate each other.

    Layla is the last girl standing.  She tries to get AJ up and through the ropes while AJ sandbags her.  AJ ‘comes to” and kicks Layla out of the ring to win.

    Rytman Remark: Okay, I get what they’re doing.  They don’t trust AJ to wrestle a whole match, so they book her to win, by making one smart move at the right time.  Not a horrible idea, but they will run out of ways for her to pull it off quick.

    Side Note: The Bellas were “disqualified” from being in the battle royal for their illegal double team last week?  I could go into a dissertation about all the ways that doesn’t work and all the plot-holes it opens, but I wanna get this over with, you wanna get back to your lives, let’s just call it stupid and leave it at that.

    Side-Side Note: I’d be wasting the effort it would take to point out Layla could’ve just rolled AJ over the bottom rope to the floor, right?

    Okay, moving on to…

    MAJOR STORYLINES/ANGLES

    1.) BROCK/TRIPLE H: THE SAGA CONTINUES…WEITHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT – RAW opens with a fade-in on a close-up of Paul Heyman.  Heyman introduces himself as a representative for Brock Lesnar, and recaps his decimation of 3MB last week, as well as his subsequent challenge to Triple H to a cage match at “Extreme Rules.” He announces that Triple H is not at RAW, and reads an e-mail from him, saying his injuries have kept him from flying and he will answer Heyman next week.  Heyman knows how let-down we all are.  He feels the same…

    “I have been let down by this gutless coward who didn’t have the manhood to appear tonight… “- Paul Heyman

    At that moment, the music hits and Triple H is out!  He explains the e-mail simply, he lied.

    He asks Paul for a favor…

    “I want you to go back home to Brock Lesnar and tell him I ACCEPT!” – Triple H

    Triple H ends this w/a pedigree on Heyman to the cheers of the crowd.

    Rytman Remark: This has got to be a record, SHORTEST TRIPLE H PROMO EVER!

    2.) ZIGGLER/DEL-RIO/SWAGGER: HEY THIS MIGHT GET INTERES-NEVERMIND – We backstage as Ziggler is making kissy-kissy w/the World Heavyweight Championship.  AJ shows up and jokes about being jealous.  Ziggler remarks how good she’d look with a title of her own, when we notice Big E. looking on…

      “E! This is Dolph-and-AJ time. Please no creeping!” – Dolph Ziggler.

    Big E. walks off as RAW managing supervisor Vicki Guerro and her assistant Brad Maddox enter, informing Ziggler if he loses to Jericho tonight, Jericho gets a spot in the title match w/Swagger & Alberto Del Rio, making it a four-way at extreme rules.  Ziggler wins, (see Match Results, above,) and everyone gets disappointed.

    Rytman Remark: Nice tease job WWE, however I argue that Jericho would’ve brought some BADLY needed heat to a lukewarm angle.

    3.) JERICHO/FANDANGO: SPECIAL GUEST DIVA, SUMMER RAE – Fandango comes out for his match with Regal, with NXT developmental diva Summer Rae as his new dance partner.  After his win (see Match Results, above,) he gets jumped from behind by Jericho, who rubs salt in the wound by offering Summer a dance.  She accepts and Jericho gives her a whirl.  Summer looks flustered (in the good way) as Fandango rolls around in pain.

    4.) SHIELD/TAKER/TEAM HELL NO: AN UNDERTAKING OF TAKING ON, THE TAKING-OUT OF UNDERTAKER – The Shield make their first on-camera appearance of the night, by helicopter, transferring to a black Range Rover to the arena.

    Backstage, Bryan is upset that the Taker hasn’t shown up to go over strategy.  He asks Kane why he doesn’t just call his brother…

    “Give him a call? He doesn’t exactly carry a cell phone!” – Kane

    Bryan insists that Kane look at his diagrams, and asks if Kane is upset about them not hugging in a while.  Kane asks Bryan for a favor when Taker shows up.

    “Do NOT try to give him a hug!” – Kane

    Suddenly, Kane and Bryan go down hard as the camera shakes.  The tag champs are on the floor as three sets of black boots stroll off.

    Later in the night, it looked like the Taker would have to face Shield all by himself, but Hell No made the match in time.

    Rytman Remark: Waste of effort seeing how Shield won anyway.

    5.) CENA/RYBACK: I HAVE NOTHING – We take a look back at the recent bad-blood between Cena/Ryback, and how it’s lead to a match at Extreme Rules.  Mick Foley is interviewed about Ryback’s recent actions.  Foley mentions how it’s not in human nature to look in the mirror and see your own shortcomings.  Ryback responds in his interview later that night…

    “I look in the mirror and don’t see shortcomings. I look in the mirror, and see the next WWE Champion!” – Ryback

    It’s revealed that Foley will confront Ryback later on the show.  A little later, we see Foley talking w/Cena backstage…

    “In a career full of mistakes, this might be my biggest!” – Mick Foley

    I’m just gonna sum this up, Foley calls out Ryback and gives him the speech about character, about how he can have all the tools, but needs heart and guts to get it done, and how letting Cena get beat-down by other people makes it a cheap-win.  Ryback snaps back with how Foley is old and his message is archaic.  It looks like Ryback will kill Foley, but Cena runs out to make the save, much to the disappointment of a crowd that wanted to see Foley die apparently.

    The Shield makes an appearance and Cena teases leaving Ryback at their mercy.  But when Shield attacks, Cena makes the save with a chair and runs the Shield off.  Cena gives the AA to a confused Ryback, and RAW ends w/Cena standing tall.

    Rytman Remark: Why can’t Mark Henry be the #1 contender and just spare us all this?

    Side Note: Why didn’t Ryback and the Shield join forces?  It was the perfect moment and would’ve been easy to explain.  Ryback wants Cena, Shield wants to get rid of Cena, done and done.

    Rytman’s Review: I liked this RAW up until the ending.  It kept things moving and set up the stories nicely, but this FRIGGIN’ ending made no damn sense.  My only guess is the save at the end was an attempted “make good” to Ryback in order to protect Cena’s image.

  3. RYTMAN’S RAW RECAP

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    We open the show w/a montage of the Shield beating down people, until last week when Cena, Sheamus & Ryback led the charge against them.  Also, the Rock is here tonight.

    Paul Heyman is in the ring, announcing that tonight is the last night we will ever see Paul Heyman.  He talks about his passions and his sacrifices, and all the things he gave up – including his parents fortune – to bring us ECW, and Brock Lesnar.  He talks of C.M. Punk being the man to carry WWE into the long-term future.

    “You don’t have to be Nostradamus to see into the future.  And I can see into the future,  and I can tell you ladies and gentlemen, something bad is going to happen here.  And that Sword Of Damocles is hanging straight over my head, and it is going to come down not just on me, but every single person around me, and that means it’s going to come down on C.M. Punk.” – Paul Heyman

    Heyman goes on to tender his resignation, saying essentially that the McMahon’s obsession with him and his dealings make him an obstacle to Punk winning back the title, and with that, he says goodbye.

    C.M. Punks’ music hits and Punk comes out.  Punk asks Heyman why he’s doing this.  Heyman replies that in the land of the McMahon’s, perception is reality.  Vince McMahon’s perception is that Heyman was behind Brad Maddox and the Shield, and whatever happens to Heyman will happen to C.M. Punk.  He claims Vince is planing to screw them over big at Elimination Chamber and Wrestlemania.  Punk argues that he is a “Paul Heyman guy,” and that there are a lot of “Heyman guys” out there.  Punk insists that he will resume his historic title reign as WWE champion at Elimination Chamber and that Heyman will be in his corner.  Paul is so moved by this show of support, that he renounces his resignation.  Punk/Heyman embrace, while ringside commentators Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler make derogatory comments comparing this to the Pope’s resignation and “the most ridiculous love-fest” Cole’s ever been a part of.

    The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry, makes his way to the ring as we go to break…

    We come back to Khali dancing in the ring w/Natalia & Hornswoggle.  The dancing stops as Henry makes his way to the ring.  We get a recap of Henry squashing Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara last week, and his win over Randy Orton on last Friday’s Smackdown, which qualified him for the Elimination Chamber.

    MARK HENRY VS THE GREAT KHALI

    This match BARELY goes five minutes, maybe less.  Khali pummles Henry into the corner, and hits big slaps to the cest and head-butts.  Henry fights back with kicks and gets Khali in the corner, but runs into an elbow, and a big boot to the face.  Khali side-steps Henry into the corner and goes back to the big chest-slap and head butt.  Henry blocks a shot, hits a few big right-hands, and gives Khali a short-splash into the corner.  Henry hits a big clothes-line, then ends it with the world’s stongest slam for three.

    WINNER: MARK HENRY

    After the match, Henry gets back in the ring, catches Hornswoggle from behind, and crushes him w/the world’s strongest slam.

    “That’s What I Do!” – Mark Henry

    This Friday on Smackdown, Orton gets Henry in a re-match.

    Later tonight, Cena, Sheamus & Ryback vs #MB…

    And break…

    We come back to Teddy Lond and Smackdown GM Booker T discussing how impressive Mark Henry is, when Chris Jericho steps up to request a spot in the Chamber.  Teddy is readdy to put him in right now.  Booker says “Hold up dawg,” and says Jerico has to impress him.  Teddy whispers a suggestion to Booker.

    “Teddy, that idea sucks.” – Booker T.

    Booker suggests that Jericho earn a spot by beating someone already in the match, Daniel Bryan.  Jericho agrees to face Daniel “Beard-on” and get back into the chamber and go one step closer to becoming a “seven-time, seven-time, seven-time Heavyweight Champion of the World.”

    “NOW CAN YOU DIG THAT, SUKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!?” – Chris Jericho.

    Jericho walks off, leaving Booker wide-eyed in disbelief.

    We shift to Vicki Guerrero in her office, on the phone.  Heyman walks in, demanding her time.  He requests that Vicki add a stipulation to the WWE title match at Elimination Chamber.  If the Rock is counted out/disqualified, Punk will be awarded the title.  Vicki refuses, then her phone rings.  It’s Vince McMahon.  Heyman tries to brown-nose Vinny Mac, but Vince cuts him off and demands to know what stipulation he wants.  Heyman makes a sheepish request for the count-out/dq stip, and Vince agrees.  Heyman thanks Vince for the stip and goes on to call him a “father figure.” Vince hangs up on him.  Heyman says Vicki has a lousy phone, and Vicki laughs.

    Daniel Bryan makes his way to the ring as we go to break…

    We come back to a promo for “FANDANGO” coming soon, followed by Jericho making his way to the ring.

    WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION DANIEL BRYAN VS CHRIS JERICHO

    The bell rings.  Jericho scores two schoolboy roll-ups, two arm-drags, and an ARMBAR!  Bryan reverses it into a wrist-lock and a hammer-lock.  Booker T and Teddy Long watch a monitor from backstage.  Jericho elbows Bryan’s face and hits the ropes. Bryan leap-frogs Jericho, drops down, Jericho goes over, and Bryan hits a knee to Jericho.  Bryan kicks Jericho in the chest, the back, hits a snap-mare, a knee-drop, he gets two, and goes to work on Jericho’s arm.  Bryan wrist-locks Jericho, works the arm over his shoulder, Jericho reverses the wrist-lock and scores a chop.  Jericho puts the boot to him and backs Bryan into the corner with a forearm smash.  Bryan reverses a whip into the ropes, Jericho hits a kick to the face, but Bryan sends him up, over, and out to the floor.  Bryan tosses Jericho back in.  Jericho hits a shoulder-block, but misses a second-rope ricochet body-press and lands on the floor.  Bryan hits a flying tackle through the ropes, and both men are hurting as we go to break…

    As we come back, Bryan slides out of a suplex attempt, and rolls Jericho up for two.  Jericho kicks out and hits a clothes-line.  Jericho chokes Bryan in the corner, whips him across the ring, charges into a boot, and Bryan hits the charging drop-kick in the corner on Jericho.  Jericho reverses a whip, Bryan goes up the corner ropes and over Jericho, Jericho hits two shoulder-blocks, and Bryan sends him over the ropes.  Jericho lands on his feet, goes up-top, misses a flying fore-arm, and Bryan hits a clothes-line.  Bryan charges Jericho, Jericho catches the legs and goes for the Walls Of Jericho.  Bryan flips him off but runs into an elbow.  Jericho goes for a Lion-sault but hits the knees of Bryan.  Bryan goes up-top but Jericho cuts him off and crotches him on the top corner.  Jericho hits a chop and goes for a super-plex, but Bryan shoves him off and scores a flying head-butt for two.  Bryan hits a few knees to the face, but Jericho catches a leg and hooks the Walls Of Jericho!  Bryan holds on and powers out of it, twisting it into a “No-Lock” attempt,  but can’t lock his hands.  Jericho reverses it into another WOJ attempt, but Bryan flips him off and hits a vicious kick to the head for two.  Bryan gets the crowd going “Yes!” by going “No!” and sets in with shin kicks to Jericho.  Jericho tries another roll-up, Bryan kicks out, and Jericho hits the Code-breaker for a three-count.

    WINNER: CHRIS JERICHO

    Jericho is now in the Elimination Chamber.  Later tonight, the Shield will address us.  Up next, John Cena, Sheamus and Ryback face the Three Man Band.

    We come back to a recap of last week, when Cena and friends ran off the Shield.

    JOHN CENA, SHEAMUS, AND RYBACK VS 3MB (HEATH SLATER, JINDER MAHAL & DREW MACINTYRE)

    Apparently, Jerry Lawler has taken exception to Heath Slater making comments about singing, and dancing better than Elvis Presley…

    “I told him [Slater] I wish you’d go to the bathroom like Elvis Presley.” – Jerry Lawler

    Slater starts off with Ryback.  He shoots off his mouth, plays air guitar, takes a boot to the stomach, and gets press-slamed.  Ryback tags in Sheamus, who brutalizes Drew MacIntyre.  Cena tags in and faces off with Jinder Mahal.  Match breaks down into a brawl and ends with the Cena-friends each hitting a finisher on a band member. (AA, Shell-shock, and White Noise.)

    WINNERS: TEAM CENA

    After the match, Cena and co. each take a turn calling out the Shield.  We go to a recap of Alberto Del Rio sabotaging Big Show’s bus and dropping paint all over him.

    We go to earlier today, with Yoshi Tatsu and Alex Riley both joking about the Show’s misfortune.  It ends with Show clocking them both out.

    And we go to break…

    We come back to Big Show making his way to the ring for an interview.  Matt Striker gets KO’d before he’s halfway through a sentence.  Show grabs the mike and spends several minutes trying to say something.  However he’s too angry and just drops the mike, and walks off.

    We get another look at the tribute video for Bruno Samartino’s Hall Of Fame induction and we’re told there is an exclusive interview w/Bruno and Hunter Hearst Helmsley about Bruno accepting the nodd this year.  We’re also reminded that the Rock will be here tonight.

    JACK SWAGGER VS ZACK RYDER

    Ryder’s in the ring and Swagger makes his way to the ring with a man referred to as “Jebadiah Coulter,” (who I believe might be Dutch Mantel.) Ryder gets in some offense, but Swagger wrestles more viciously then ever, and after bouncing Ryder’s head and back off the turn-buckles, he ends this with the “Patriot Act.” (Ankle Lock Submission.)

    WINNER: JACK SWAGGER

    After the match, Jeb Coulter is given the mike and delivers a vaguely racist diatribe about “getting rid of” people who aren’t “real Americans.”

    Backstage, Booket and Teddy are discussing Swagger and Jeb, when Dolph Ziggler steps in w/AJ and Big E.  Angered that Jericho is back with a spot in the Elimination Chamber match, he demands a chance at the last spot.  Booker agrees, and puts him in a qualifying match… with Kane.

    We get a recap of Brock Lesnar destroying Miz TV and the Miz last week.

    Miz makes his entrance as we go to Break.  He faces Cody Rhodes next.

    THE MIZ VS CODY RHODES

    U.S. Champion Antonio Cesaro is at ringside, making refrences to his brawl with Miz last week.  Cesaro says he caries the American Flag to “rub it in everybody’s face,” how much better he is than us.  Match is a by-the-numbers back-and-forth until it goes to the outside.  Cesaro gets up in Miz’s face, Miz boots him down and goes to work on Cody, until Cesaro shoves him into the ringpost.  Cesaro swings Miz into the guardrail as officals try to break it up.

    WINNER BY DQ: THE MIZ

    We then get a feature about the WWE Wrestlemania Reading Challenge, where WWE talent go to schools to talk about the importance of reading and children are rewarded for good literacy w/a chance to go to Wrestlemania.

    Later tonight, we hear from the Rock and The Shield.

    We go to break…

    We come back to Rosa Mendes shakin’ her thing in the ring, with Epico and Primo.  Brodus Clay makes his entrance w/Tesai and the Pom-Pom waving Funkadactyls.

    BRODUS CLAY/TENSAI VS PRIMO/EPICO

    Team Mo/Co are straight up jobbed out to the Funkasaurus and the “hip-hop-hippo.” Tensai wins it w/a splash.

    WINNERS: TENSAI/BRODUS CLAY

    After the match, Rosa gets up in Tensai’s face, but is sent packing by some nifty double-teaming by Naomi/Cameron.

    And we go to break…

    After the break, the Shield make their way to the ring.  They answer the challenge of Cena, Sheamus, and Ryback by calling them out.  They cut a promo about Cena failing everyday and how Cena will fail again at Elimination Chamber.  Their problem is “The John Cena Problem.” He lives in a bubble with no consequences.  That’s not the real world.  And he’s laid the groundwork for an entire generation of superstars to be just like him.  The Shield will undo a decade of injustice, and invite their opponents to “breath as much fresh air as possible.” They stand around in defiance for a few moments… then the lights go out.  When they come back on, Cena and company are each fighting a member of the Shield.  After a wild brawl, the Shield take a powder, and Cena’s team smile and slap hands w/the fans.

    We get a recap of Heyman’s resignation and Punk talking him out of it.  The Rock will be here later tonight, and Alberto Del Rio makes his way to ringside w/Ricardo Rodriguez.

    And break…

    WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS DAMIEN SANDOW

    Sandow comes out to berate Nashville (the sight of tonight’s show) for listening to Country Music.  Ricardo introduces ADR with the full support of the crowd.  Sandow starts off strong with kicks, knees, and a Russian leg-sweep/”elbow of disdain” combo, but misses a charge and Del Rio takes over with clothes-lines, a tilt-a-whirl back-breaker, and a thrust-kick for two.  Del Rio gets the “Si” chant going and ens this surprisingly quickly w/the arm-breaker.

    WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO!

    Alberto cuts a promo, inviting Big Show to pack up his bus and go to Mexico, while he goes to Wrestlemania after their match at Elimination Chamber.

    WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett makes his way to the ring for a match w/Kofi Kingston, but is jumped from behind by Bo Dallas.  Barrett is down as we go to break.

    WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT VS KOFI KINGSTON

    The match is basically Kofi’s speed and striking ability vs Wade’s muscle and brawling tactics.  Recurring theme in the match is both men ducking each others high-spots.  Kofi dives after Wade.  Wade catches Kofi’s head in the ring apron and gets the three with the bull-hammer elbow.

    WINNER: WADE BARRETT

    And break…

    WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION KANE VS DOLPH ZIGGLER

    Kane starts off in control with big right hands and tossing Ziggler around as we go to break…

    We come back and Kane in still in control, until it spills outside.  Big E distracts Kane and Ziggler sends him into the guardrail.  Kane beats the ten count.  The match quickly goes back/forth with each man hitting one big spot after another, until Kane goes up top.  AJ jumps on the ring to get a distraction, Kane misses the clothesline, Ziggler sends AJ into Big E’s arms, and his distraction allows Kane to hit the choke-slam for three and the last spot in the Chamber.

    WINNER: KANE

    When we come back, our main event… a promo by The Rock.

    We’re back with a look at the Elimination Chamber match itself and…FINALLY, THE ROCK HAS COME OUT TO DO A PROMO!

    Story Time!  The Rock regales us all with a story about how, when he was 15, his family moved to Tennessee.  He was already 6’4′ and 220 lbs. and not getting any action because girls thought he was a undercover cop.  One night, he’s in a bar, and buys a car from a crackhead for $40.  After driving for a while, he finds a second crackhead in the car and kicks him out, then abandons the car in a Burger King parking lot at 2 a.m. because he suspected it was stolen.  The moral of the story…

    1. Don’t buy a car from a crackhead.

    2. Don’t be like the Rock at 15, doing all the stuff you shouldn’t.

    Rock then talks about being 25 and wrestling at used car dealerships for $40 a night, and dreaming of someday being WWE champion, just like he will be, after Elimination Chamber.

    Punk’s music hits, and he’s out with Paul Heyman.  Rock compares them to characters form “Twilight,” (Fat werewolf/Homeless Vampire,) and challenges Punk to “just bring it.” Punk strolls down to the ring, fakes changing his mind, and storms the ring.  Punk actually had Rock on the defensive, until Rock hit the “Smackdown” (Spine-buster) on him.  Rock goes for the “Peoples’ Elbow,” but Heyman trips him up.  Punk hits the GTS on Rock, and leaves with the belt.

    “Whenever you Bring it, Because it’s mine, I’ll just take it.” – C.M. Punk 

  4. WWE RAW 20th Anniversary 1/14/13

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    Welcome everyone to Monday Night RAW!  It’s the 20th Anniversary of this show, which is an impressive feat for any show, let alone one that airs every single week of the year.  I expect a solid show.  No wait, no I don’t.  There’s going to be another “Rock concert” tonight.  The last one sucked ankle biting rat dog balls.

    I watch 30 minutes of the show, leave for work, then watch the entire show at work whilst reviewing whatever WWE puts on my TV.  And I make shit up as I go along too, because that’s what the RAW writers do.  Let me entertainment you!

    (more…)

  5. WWE RAW is Christmas Eve 12/24/12

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    I do this for you, dear readers.  All two of you.  I’m here on Christmas eve reviewing WWE RAW.  I don’t have to worry about missing out on Santa Claus, because he’s hosting RAW tonight.  When he should be flying all over the world delivering toys to boys and girls everywhere.  Also, Santa Claus is G from BWF Radio.

    I watch 30 minutes of the show, leave for work, and then watch the entire 3 hour show in it’s entirety at work.  You’re welcome.  That’s how ThinkSoJoE’s RAW reviews work.

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  6. RYTMANS RAW REVIEW 08/27/2012

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    MATCH RESULTS

    RYBACK DEF. JACK SWAGGER – Swagger looks strong for about 30 seconds, but winds up just more meat on the plate. The turning point is Swagger landing ugly, face first.

    LAYLA (DIVAS CHAMPION) DEF. NATTIE NIEDHART – Before the match gets going, Vicki comes out to demand this match wrap up quickly so she can make an announcement. She actually spends the whole match on the ring apron, looking bored and rolling her eyes, great way to sell a match. One high spot is Nattie and Layla doing the old Hardy spot where the face (Layla) tries a baseball slide kick, and the heel (Nattie) traps her in the ring apron. Layla ends this with a simple kick to the head. Vick dismisses Layla in a condescending manner and Layla just goes.

    Vicki demands that the board of directors take action against the “mentally unstable” child and put Raw in the hands of an adult, like her. AJ Lee responds by skipping out to the ring, and cracking Vicki in the face. (And the Reason Layla couldn’t do that?) Vicki high-tails it out of there while AJ Lee smiles.

    JOHN CENA DEF. THE MIZ (I-C CHAMPION) – Josh Mathews joins us at ringside. The match is slow, dull, and by the numbers. Miz focuses on striking John in the head/face with strikes and kicks, Cena makes his superman comebacks. The match ends when Cena hits four out of five moves of doom and gets the three.

    SANTINO DEF. HEATH SLATER – Heath Slater gets the upper hand with a cheap shot after an “air guitar” duel, and then goes all out with punching, stomping, knees, and choking. Slater goes up on the ropes, Santino rolls away. Slater goes to the other corner, Santino rolls out again. Slater gets caught in a cradle for a two-count, and Santino takes over. Santino sets the Cobra, but the sax music hits and Aksana is out to distract the cobra. Not Santino, just the cobra. The cobra breaks his trance long enough to strike Slater and Santino gets a three-count, while the cobra stares at Aksana. Yes I did just write that.

    BRODUS CLAY/SIN CARA DEF. DAMIAN SANDOW/CODY RHODES – Sin Cara comes out to NO reaction. Cody takes control by pulling Sin Cara down hard off the ropes. The heels take turns stomping on Sin Cara until he hits the head scissors and makes the tag to Brodus, who squashes Cody until Sandow makes the save. Sandow goes after Cara but goes over and out. Cara hits a flying body-press while Cody goes sternum first into Clay’s cranium. Clay hits the splash and gets a three-count. Match ends in a dance party with the kids at ringside.

    R-TRUTH DEF. DANIEL BRYAN BY COUNT-OUT – The crowd starts in with the “goat-face” chants and Bryan responds with deep breathing. Highlight of the match is Bryan giving “little jimmy” a fist bump. Match ends when Truth tricks Bryan into a round of “dueling crazy” outside the ring. Truth gets the crowd going with the “yes” chant and Bryan gets counted out while going “no” up in some fans’ face.

    SHEAMUS/RANDY ORTON DEF. DOLPH ZIGGLER/ALBERTO DEL RIO – Faces start out strong, but it’s soon Del Rio and Ziggler pounding on Orton. Orton finally tags Sheamus who goes all out on Ziggler. While the ref is distracted, Roberto Rodriguez – Del Rio’s personal announcer – tosses Ziggler his MiTB briefcase. Orton catches him with the chin-lock backbreaker and Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick for the win.

    ZACK RYDER DEF. DAVID OTUNGA – The highlight here is Kane coming out to ringside and Josh Mathews running for his life. Cole gives Kane plenty of room as Kane takes a seat at the table. Otunga actually dominates this match with clubbing forearms and neck-locks, but it ends when Ryder ducks a clothesline and hits the Rough-Ryder for the three-count. Kane rushes the ring and grabs Ryder by the neck, then lets him go. He decides to choke-slam Otunga instead.

    C.M. PUNK DEF. JERRY LAWLER (CAGE MATCH: AS CHOSEN BY WWE UNIVERSE VIA TWITTER POLL) – The brilliance of this match is Punk revisiting Lawler’s feud with Andy Kaufman and playing BOTH roles. As Punk enters the cage, Cole reads his Twitter feed, which has Punk quoting Kaufman’s legendary “New King of Memphis,” promo almost verbatim. Then, in a nod to the king, Punk allows Lawler the first shot. Lawler plays nervous, but eventually lets it go on Punk’s kisser. Punk sells it BIG, even cowering in the corner. However Punk takes control with kicks to Lawler’s shins, backing him into the corner, then he scores a neck-breaker. From then on, the match is mostly Punk bullying Lawler; stomping on him and literally kicking him while he’s down. Punk goes up on the ropes, but Lawler knocks his feet out from under him, and Punk takes a crotch-shot to the turn-buckle. Punk stops Lawler from escaping but Lawler sends Punk face-first into the cage. Lawler takes over with the big right hands and hits his fist-drop for a two count. Punk is bleeding, but stops Lawler from escaping the cage. Punk finishes this with a ROCK-BOTTOM into the Anaconda vice. Lawler taps out.

    After the match, Punk grabs a lock and chain from under the ring and locks himself in w/Lawler and a mike, demanding Lawler call him the best in the world. Lawler refuses, and Punk pummels him with elbow shots. Cena tries to make the save, but can’t get in the cage. He yells for someone to get the cage up. When they finally do, Cena dives for Punk, who heads for higher ground, while Cena checks on Jerry.
    RAW ends with Punk walking out with his belt, and Cena hunched over a battered Lawler.

    HIGHLIGHTS

    The build-up for the main event started with Lawler calling out Punk and demanding an apology for last week. Punk responds by throwing Lawler’s whole career under a bus. From beating up no-names in Memphis, to a slap fight with a comedian, (Kaufman) to losing at Wrestlemania. Punk challenges Lawler to a fight later tonight. Lawler will think about it. A few segments later, Lawler agrees, saying he’s not the best in the world… and neither is Punk.

    We had a series of skits with Bryan in Anger Management classes, building up to his match with R-Truth, that managed to be funnier than you would expect. In the first one, Bryan calmly states his objections to being in these classes, when a small boy in a goat mask walks in. Bryan goes off on the kid, reducing him to tears. The “doctor” running the class explains this was his son, in costume for a school play. The doc tells his son that Bryan is “a very sick man.” Some guy named “Harold” tries to console Bryan.

    “Don’t touch me, Harold.” – Daniel Bryan

    In the second, Bryan responds to Harold whining about his boss with a brief recap of his program with AJ and Kane – who just happens to be the late patient. (Saw THAT coming)

    The last segment has Kane going over (almost) his entire back-story, briefly mentioning Katie Vick even. The shrink sends everyone home assigning them to work on an “anger collage.” Bryan chases him out, berating him the whole time. Harold thanks Kane for sharing, Kane responds by throttling him and snarling “You’re welcome.” Kane made this segment work better than it should have.

    We took a look back at Triple H’s career, leading up to his big promo where he would let us know if he was going to retire or not. He managed to kill over ten minutes without confirming anything, but he was gracious to the fans…

    “Thank you, for letting me, play the game.” – Triple H.

    RYTMANS RANT

    Is there a reason every other person is working a crazy gimmick? We got R-Truth with “little Jimmy,” Daniel Bryan with anger management issues, Kane…duh, and AJ going nuts anytime someone suggest she’s… going nuts. I’m sorry but this comes off as lazy. You can’t come up with anything else? Is Josh going to go nuts because he doesn’t want wrestlers to attack him? Is Cole going to explain the last year or so of douchey behavior was temporary insanity?

    It seems “crazy” is the default whenever WWE can’t figure out what to do with someone. AJ was supposed to be a “manic pixie dream girl next door.” Apparently that didn’t fly, so she’s crazy. R-Truth was angry about WWE putting no faith in him and tried to imply that they didn’t want a black champion. That hit too close to home, so he went “crazy.” Daniel Bryan wants respect for what he can do in the ring? He must be crazy. Kane…
    Well that worked out, still…

    You know, mental illness is a serious, real problem. Some of the fans out there might have someone in their family who suffers from this. You could potentially alienate a huge percentage of the fan base, or maybe just make a whole lot of casual fans uncomfortable with your product.

  7. Pintnoir review- TNA Impact 7/26/2012

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    After Ace’s and 8’s dominated the show last week, this week will be the reckoning. Sting comes out and announces that he is the interim GM until Hogan gets out of his mesh, various metals and hip injury caused by Ace’s and 8’s and not a preconditioned wrestling lifestyle. Reality meets wrestling people. Sting calls out Aces and tells them that he’s alone, but then Austin Aries music hits and he comes out to back up the Icon. He has his own grieviousness with the group and whats a piece. But before that can happen Kurt Angle comes out and he recaps the recap explaining his reasons for wanting the Group got. This dovetails with Roode who comes and gives his conspiracy theory about James Storm being the Leader.
    (more…)

  8. iMPACT Wrestling- Road to Destination X

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    [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I92E-Cpwgh0&feature=player_detailpage[/youtube]After the recap, we jump right into Bully Ray shilling his new twitter account, @Realbully5150. He calls out Joseph Park and accepts his challenge for next week’s impact. All this will be a Anything Goes match except that Ray has a restraining order against Abyss who if he even shows up will be sent to rot in prison. Park is dumbfounded until he’s cheap shoted.

    A Double and “H Double” discuss Aries giving up the belt at the end of the night. Which leads us right into a Destination X promo, which is embedded above.

    Jason Hervey (Wonder Years for those in the know) attempts to interview Dixie Carter who is more than happy to talk about the New X-Division talent but not eager to talk about Claire Lynch. Talking of that new prospective X-Division talent err.. oh wait
    (more…)

  10. Impact Review- 12/29/2011 A Special Matt B. Wrestle Review

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    Hi folks this is Matt B. here to go over Impact for Thursday. Why? You say. We’ll tonight features a Knockout Title Match..wait for it…as the Main Event of the show. So I got down and dirty and beat Pintnoir to the punch since he’s busy with family and what not. So not only will we see The Women’s Sufferage Movement move forward to the 21th century, (because well there still behind Chikara when it comes to featuring powerhouse female talent.) JoshiMania anyone. Welcome to Impact Dec. 29th

    We recap with the firing of the Jarretts and the ascension of Madison Rayne as Karen Jarretts successor. Cutting back to the Impact Zone in struts Rayne and her co tag team partner and current Knockout title holder Gail Kim. She quickly calls out Tara and Tessmacher.

    “Lets get this over with before we catch any diseases that you two have.”-Rayne

    “I’ll take the diseases.”-Random fan

    Touche sir, Touche.

    Madison fires TNT for what happened last week (For a peek look at pintnoirs review from last week.) Sting’s music hits and Madison looks to be sweating bullets until out steps Steve Borden. The slightly off kilter alter ego of Sting. With Rayne’s assurance that she has everything under control, Steve chimes in that she has no power.

    “Madison, it ain’t over till I say its over.” -Steve

    “(screeching) “Its over”-Madison Rayne

    Steve proceeds to mock Madison and her screeching ways. And informs Gail Kim that she has a match tonight against Mickie James. Roll the obligatory walk on the ramp from the challenger.

    Steiner and Abyss have a pep talk in the back. Abyss tells Scott that they are partners.

    Wild Card Tag Team Tournament is next. AJ and Kazarian (The Man on the Back of the Milk Carton) vs Steiner and Abyss

    A really well worked match. Especially from Where’s waldo Kazarian who proceeds to hit Abyss with a barrage of back elbow, drop kicks and finishes with a swinging ddt to take the monster down. Eventually all is revealed when Abyss calls in Steiner and Black hole slams him. Making sure to pull Kaz on top for the win. Afterwards Bully Ray comes down to the ring accusing Abyss of being a bully.

    “Your the bully, Abyss” – Bully Ray

    Abyss wants Ray at Genesis in a Monsters Ball match. If Ray wins Abyss will rejoin Immortal no questions asked.

    You have to love Immortal’s recruitment practices. Speaking of Immortal, Ric Flair is backstage with Gunner both are in front of an ambulance. Flair proceeds to sell Gunner as a badass and Gunner quotes himself “killer”

    Best of Three series Zema Ion vs Tony Nese w/ Austin Aries on guest commentary

    Did I forget that its a contract on a pole match. Yes its a contract on a pole match. King of the Mountain, Steel Asylum, and Destination X matches are too confusing for audiences so lets dumb it down to a contract on a pole match? Thank you Vince Russo, Hogan, and Bischoff. That was for Pintnoir.

    This time Zema doesn’t come out with a spray can but a knitted scarf? while Nese comes out looking rather propless again for the second week in a row.

    Maybe when its your turn.

    I wonder who is going to win.

    Zema Ion pulls off the victory after dumping Nese out of the ring onto the railing. Lack of commentary from Aries makes me wonder what he thinks.

    Douglas Williams former  TV Title Holder and two time tag team champion. Now he is jobbing for Gunner who is now a “Killer”. Match is short to prove a point. Gunner pushes referee young Hebner resulting in his disqualifacation. Gunner redoes his greatest hits when he DDT’s Williams whom I assume is going to Ohio Valley Wrestling on the bare concrete.

    Robert Roode and his family comments play out. Roode struts to the ring and calls out his best friend from the tapes. Tracy Kalesky former Lacrosse player, wrestling plant, confronts Roode and says that he doesnt’ recognize his best friend. You know because six years ago when he was part of team (heel) Canada and later Robert Roode, money man with secertary Ms Brooks he was a nice guy. Even when Beer Money first formed they were a heel team. But I digress, he attacks his friend until Jeff Hardy runs out for the rescue.

    ODB and EY have a meeting backstage about strategy. Which should of went something like this, “I leave you in the ring OD and since Spike TV doesn’t allow male on female violence we can just stall until you can kick whoever in the balls like last week.” “Good plan Eric, I love you and that Canadian redbeard”

    But instead Eric says rapid tags to stay fresh while the other team tires out. So what we end up having is a unimpressive match where Samoa Joe looks ready to walk. Magnus attempts at flirting or as I call it sexual harassment which ODB returns in kind. This is before she socks him one. And they start some mock makeout slash wrestling. This of course infuriates Eric who disrobes and wrestles Magnus. After some stilted wrestling Magnus runs in and throws ODB into the ring post that Eric is standing on causing him to ball bust. Joe runs in with the muscle buster for the win.

    So much for Male on Female violence huh Spike.

    Kurt Angle vs RVD-a cautious match turns into a real good set up until you realise it will advance story and Kurt is super kicked leaving RVD disqualified so Rob loses but still looks good and then it cuts to a promo that seemed to be taped sometime later that is played immediatedly after where Kurt and RVD seem disappointed their match ended the way it did. This plays even though Kurt is layed out in the ring.

    On to the Main Event. Jeremy Borash does the announcing. The best part is where Jeremy says. “This is for the Knockouts “Ladies” Championship”

    he couldn't let progress ride.

    Just incase you didn’t know. The man event is fast and furious between Gail Kim and Mickie James. Reversals and top rope manuevers, even the filtering in of crowd noise contrasted with no reaction from crowd. Mickie no sold the noise when she did her “come on” scream to get the crowd back into the match. Then after what appears to almost be a clear finish a women in a goblin mask runs in and does the Rayne drop to Mickie, allowing Gail to pin her for he win.

    Next week Pintnoir will be back but for now I’m Matt B. Wrestle, signing off.