Your Empress of “Impact” is, for one night only, your Reina of RAW! As I shall be missing this week’s “Impact,” I traded reviews with our fearless leader and founder, ThinkSoJoE. What fallout will we see from last night’s “Breaking Point” ppv? Will Trish Stratus have blonde hair again? Join us here and on the BWF thread for RAW, and find out!
I think we all know what’s happening tonight already when CM Punk defends the World Heavyweight Championship against Jeff Hardy in a steel cage, so let’s get started!
Jim Ross and Todd Grisham welcome us to Phoenix, AZ and Friday Night Smackdown! Justin Roberts introduces the only Straight Edge World Champion in history, CM Punk!
The World Champion hobbles to the ring, showing the effects of his TLC match this past Sunday at SummerSlam. He told us so. In case we were too intoxicated to remember, he’ll show us how he did it. (Video package highlighting the TLC match from SummerSlam). He’s never felt more alive than he does right now, and he’s positive that nobody in attendance have ever felt this way. He feels every ache and pain of every table, ladder, and chair. It was the most brutal match of his career, but it’s the pain that makes him feel so alive, and naturally, he hasn’t taken a thing for it. Unlike all of you, who double up on extra strength medication for the slightest headache. If anybody in here felt like Punk feels right now, they’d be on a morphene drip. But that’s not the only pain he felt at SummerSlam. He felt the pain of having his moment in the spotlight robbed by The Undertaker. After everything he’s been through, tonight he’s being forced to wrestle in a steel cage match. It’s unfair and it borderlines on conspiracy, since the higher-ups are terrified of him, just like all the fans. They fear what they don’t understand, and they don’t understand what Straight Edge is all about. He doesn’t drink, smoke, or do drugs, including prescription medication like Jeff Hardy. It just means that he’s better than you, and tonight, he’ll prove it again.
So you see the writing on the wall…
Jeff Hardy isn’t in much better shape physically than CM Punk as he makes his way to the ring. Hardy says that he hopes Punk’s enjoyed his reign as the straight-edge World Champion, because it ends tonight. Punk’s preaching as if the most important words in the English language are “Just Say No,” when tonight there are three words that are far more important, “steel cage match.” Punk says he knows Hardy is probably intoxicated right now, but how intoxicated is he? What did he put in his body to have the strength to come out to the ring? Painkillers to dull the scary reality he lives in? The reality is, Punk is sick and tired of hearing the fans boo him. He’s tired of seeing impressionable children cheering a guy like Jeff Hardy. He’s fed up with the fans, and he’s fed up with Jeff Hardy. One of them doesn’t belong here anymore. Hardy likes taking risks? How about this – tonight, the loser is out of the WWE. Punk elaborates, since he knows Hardy is having a hard time understanding because of all the narcotics. If Punk loses, the fans don’t have to listen to him preach anymore, but if Hardy loses, it proves that straight edge means “I’m better than you.” (There you go, Drow – he said it!) The fans chant Hardy’s name, and he says he doesn’t know. It’s risky. It’s crazy. Punk’s on!
You know it’s the Mack Militant…
Teddy Long comes to the stage, and he says it’s official. Since both are in agreement, if that’s what they want, it’s what they’re going to get. The loser of tonight’s match will no longer be in the WWE. The person that wins will defend the World Heavyweight Championship in two weeks at Breaking Point, where every main event match is a submission match. That means the winner will be in a submission match at Breaking Point – against The Undertaker! Punk waves goodbye to Hardy.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
WrestleMania will be in Phoenix in seven months, but SmackDown is there tonight, and our opening contest is a tag team match. John Morrison, whose coat is apparently what Jim Ross wears to the grocery store when he goes shopping for his wife, is teaming with Matt Hardy, and they’re taking on The Hart Dynasty.
John Morrison & Matt Hardy def. The Hart Dynasty
I should watch what I say here, lest Matt go on MySpace and blast me, but I really think Matt needs to go back to the pants look instead of the tights – at least until he loses the weight he put on when he had a torn abdomen or whatever. If anything, he needs to stick with the black tights he wore during his RAW stint, because this blue thing is just not working for him. It’s looks so bad on him that it’s distracting me from what promises to be a very entertaining match. In the end, it’s John Morrison with the Starship Pain on David Hart Smith for the victory.
Seriously, Matt, if you’re reading this, go back to the pants. I can’t take you seriously in those ridiculous tights.
Still to come, Jeff Hardy vs. CM Punk in a cage – winner is the WWE Champion, loser is unemployed!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Melina tells Maria that she saw Dolph Ziggler out with another woman after SummerSlam, but Maria doesn’t want to believe her. She asks Melina if she has a boyfriend who really cares about her. Melina says she should ask herself that question. Dolph shows up, and Maria asks him about the girl. Dolph says it’s true – it was his sister, Kristen, who was in town for the show.
Drew McIntyre is in the ring. Good to see him back on TV, even though he’s clearly doing the j.o.b. tonight – and as I type that, McIntyre assaults R-Truth as he’s getting in the ring. He takes Truth’s mic, and he says that if the people like to be entertained by somebody dancing and rapping to the ring. Well, his name is Drew McIntyre, and the party is over. He throws the mic down and walks out. Welcome back to SmackDown, Drew!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Before the break, Drew McIntyre beat the crap out of R-Truth.
Josh Matthews welcomes the WWE Women’s Champion, Michelle McCool, who is outside of the ring on crutches. We paid to see her wrestle tonight, but she was injured by Melina last week for no good reason. She’s got an injured knee and isn’t medically cleared to compete. Michelle says it’s ok, we can trust her. She’s going to introduce Melina’s opponent – Layla. Layla makes her way to the ring, followed by Melina, and we’re set for… no, it couldn’t be… is it? Holy crap, it is! It’s a one on one Divas match!
Melina def. Layla
Layla is vastly improving in the ring week in and week out, all credit where it’s due. The problem is, you can usually expect her to do the job. Melina tweaks her ankle early onin the match, and Layla capitalizes, but it only postpones the inevitable as Melina hits her finisher for the victory.
After the match, Melina exits the ring and dumps Michelle McCool out of her chair.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK> – “The Rise and Fall of WCW” is highly recommended by both myself and JT.
Video: Celebrities I’ve never heard of and WWE Superstars talk about SummerSlam
Booyakah, booyakah! (Don’t get too used to that – after next week it’s gonna be a month before I have to type that again.)
The WWE Intercontinental Champion is on drugs his way to the ring for a steroid injection competition. He’s scheduled to defend the Intercontinental Championship against Dolph Ziggler – guess that’s not happening, huh?
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Kane makes his way to the ring to take on the Intercontinental Champion in this non-title match.
Rey Mysterio def. Kane
Meh. I’m still not ready for this match after their infinitely long feud on RAW last year. Kane gets himself disqualified because he won’t stop ramming Mysterio into the steel post.
After the match, The Great Khali comes after Kane. He goes for the Punjabi Plunge, but Kane escapes. Ranjin (in his new “The Great Khali Says…” Bobby Heenan style jacket) hits him with a Singapore cane (he hit Kane with a cane – get it?), which draws Kane’s attention long enough for Khali to hit him with it. Khali drives Kane to the back with cane shots, and Dolph Ziggler attacks Rey Mysterio.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
One half of the Unified Tag Team Champions, Chris Jericho, is set for action and accompanied by The Big Show. They’ll be facing MVP and Mark Henry at Breaking Point. But for now, Jericho has something to say.
JeriShow is the most powerful team in sports today – and while great teams don’t always win, they win when they have to. Just because Floyd Mayweather helped them cheat to win on RAW doesn’t mean that MVP and Mark Henry will win at Breaking Point. JeriShow will win at Breaking Point, just like they did at SummerSlam. JeriShow don’t cut corners, they’re men of principal, men of honesty, but most importantly, they’re champions. Unified Tag Team Champions.
Yo yo yo yo yo – Shad Gaspard and JTG, it’s Cryme Time
Great.
Shad will be representing his team in this singles matchup.
Chris Jericho vs. Shad Gaspard
Shad is angry and assaults Jericho early on. It’s all Shad for the first couple minutes of the match, using his power to virtually destroy Jericho. Shad goes for a pin, but only gets a two when Big Show pulls Jericho out of the ring. All hell breaks loose as both teams fight on the outside…
You know it’s the Mack Militant…
SmackDown General Manager Theodore Long comes out and orders the referee to restart this as a tag team match.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Chris Jericho & The Big Show def. Cryme Tyme
The match has already started when we come back from the break. Jericho is faring much better now than he was in his one on one matchup with Shad earlier on. In fact, it’s all JeriShow in the early going. In the end, it’s The Big Show knocking Shad out for the win.
Jeff Hardy is drawing on himself backstage when he’s joined by Matt Hardy, who tells him to beat CM Punk so that the Hardys can take over SmackDown. Jeff says he lives for the moment, and the moment is now.
The steel cage is lowering, and it might as well be the curtain on the career of one of the two men who will be entering it when we come back! (Hey! when did I get all metaphory and stuff?)
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
This is a steel cage match for the World Heavyweight Championship. This match can be won by pinfall, submission, or by escaping the cage with both feet touching the floor.
Jeff Hardy makes his way to the ring, and he gets attacked from behind by the World Heavyweight Champion. Punk slingshots Hardy face first into the cage, then hiptosses him to the floor. Punk suplexes Hardy on the outside, then finally tosses him back into the ring. Punk follows Hardy in, and the bell rings, starting this match.
CM Punk def. Jeff Hardy
Punk tries to escape early, but Hardy stops him. In fact, that seems to be Punk’s M.O. – escape early. Personally, I don’t see why he didn’t just go for the door as soon as the bell rang instead of climbing out. This is definitely going to be one of those “must watch” matches. It’s all Punk, but Hardy, like his older brother, will not die. Punk ducks a high cross body, slowing Hardy’s comeback attempt, but not for long. Hardy hits a Whisper in the Wind and scores a two count.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Hardy tries to escape as we come back from the break, but Punk stops him – and eats a cross body from the top rope for his troubles – and a two count. Hardy tries another escape, but Punk stops him again. Hardy crotches Punk on the top rope and hits the Swanton Bomb after the champion crumbles to the canvas. Hardy goes for the cover, but Punk kicks out at two! Punk goes to climb out, and Hardy goes for the door. Punk realizes this, and prevents Hardy’s escape. Both men are down, and we head to another…
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
It’s Punk trying to escape through the door when we come back this time. Hardy drags him back in and the door is closed once again. Punk goes for the Go To Sleep, but Hardy reverses it into a backslide for a two count. Punk nails a double underhook backbreaker and only scores a two. Punk goes for the Go To Sleep again, but Hardy again counters, this time into a Twist of Fate. Hardy crawls over to the corner and uses the ropes to pull himself up. He begins to climb. He gets on top of the cage, but Punk sees this and the adrenaline starts to flow, causing Punk to rush to try and stop him. Hardy gets over the top of the cage, but Punk manages to pull him back in and superplex him to the canvas. Punk pulls himself to the ropes and uses them to get to his feet. He starts to climb the cage. He gets to the top, but Hardy’s adrenaline rushes and he leaps to his feet to try to pull Punk back in. Punk thumbs Hardy in the eye and bounces his head off of the top of the cage, sending Hardy crashing to the mat and allowing Punk to drop to the floor to retain his title and bring Jeff Hardy’s career to a screeching halt.
The champion makes his exit, the cage raises from the ring, and the copyright graphic appears on the screen – at 9:55PM. Odd. The fans chant “Thank You Jeff,” and the Charismatic Enigma rises to his feet. He ties his hair back and applauds the fans. He grabs a microphone and apologizes if he’s let anybody down. He’s sorry we’ll be seeing CM Punk instead of him on SmackDown, but it’s been a hell of a ride, hasn’t it? He wants to thank all of the fans and wants to let us know it’s not goodbye forever, it’s only goodbye for now. If the time is right, he’s sure he’ll see us in the future. He says “Thank you all.” He says at least Matt’s back on his side, there’s still a Hardy on this show. “Yours truly, Jeff Hardy, ours truly, this life.” The saddened fans in the arena chant “Thank You Jeff” once again as the now former WWE Superstar leaves for perhaps the last time. Hardy stands at the top of the ramp to salute the fans one last time, when Punk smacks him in the back of the head with the World Title. Punk stands tall over the fallen Hardy as we fade to black.
The Undertaker returns to SmackDown, NEXT WEEK!
My Thoughts: Man. I knew this was coming, but I still feel weird sitting here knowing that Jeff Hardy has wrestled his last match for a while. Love him or hate him, Jeff Hardy was probably the most exciting superstar on any of the WWE brands. Hopefully it’ll be sooner, rather than later, that we see the Charasmatic Enigma back in the ring.
Speaking of Hardys, those blue tights look terrible on you, Matt. Not as bad as The Big Show’s Mr. Perfect singlet looks on him, but still pretty bad.
If Michelle is injured as bad as she seems to be, shouldn’t the WWE higher-ups make her relinquish the title? I know, I know. I’m talking about logic in the same sentence of the WWE.
That’s it for tonight guys. Not sure if I’m doing a ThinkSoJoE’s Thoughts tomorrow since I’m working on another project at the moment, but I guarantee you that JT will be here for Random Randomness on Sunday!
Join your Empress of “iMPACT” and cross the line! It’s time for some “Hard Justice,” and, porntastic though it sounds, it’s what we’ve got. Will Kurt Angle’s real-life arrest affect the main event title match? Will the introduction of “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero obliterate the actual X-Division? Will the Legends title match between Mick Foley and Kevin Nash scar your soul for life? Will Samoa Joe and Homicide unleash the nine levels of hell that we all know that they can? It’s showtime, folks!
The mechanized voice of Professor Stephen Hawking opens the show, with references to DNA. The opening video package focuses on Matt Morgan, then on Kurt Angle, and finally on the Angle/Morgan in-ring dispute that ended last week’s “iMPACT.” We go to the opening pyro, and the ring.
Match #1: Steel Asylum match for the Number One Contender to the X-Division title: The Motor City Machine Guns enter together, followed by Amazing Red, Daniels, Lethal Consequences, Suicide (who enters up from the floor out of a cloud of fog), and “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero. Dinero is a street preacher, according to Tenay and West. The Guns double-team Daniels, while Lethal, Creed, and The Pope climb the walls of the cage. Lethal Consequences double-team Red. Pope nails Lethal with a huge release suplex, but then falls victim to more Guns double-team goodness. Daniels overpowers Sabin, but Shelley stops Daniels with a top rope jawbreaker. Shelley hangs The Pope in the corner, but Suicide grabs him. Sabin kicks Suicide into The Pope to free Shelley. The Guns climb the walls, but run into trouble with Lethal and Daniels. Daniels and Lethal go at each other, and Daniels brings Lethal down to the mat. The Pope goes after Daniels, ducks a punch, and Daniels punches the cage. Both men hit the mat. Suicide goes after Shelley on the top rope, but Sabin runs up the ropes and throws Suicide over. The Guns double-team Lethal Consequences, but get attacked by Daniels and The Pope. Suicide lands a huge Tower of Doom powerbomb on Daniels, Red, and The Pope. Creed and Shelley go, and the Guns trap Lethal Consequences in submission holds, but the holds are broken. Shelley hits the Sliced Bread on Daniels, but Lethal takes down Shelley. Sabin takes down Lethal. Creed takes down Sabin. Red takes down Creed. Everyone makes it back up to climb the wall. Daniels takes The Pope down to the mat. Suicide and Creed hit the mat. The Guns take down Lethal. Red DDTs Sabin, then Shelley. Red climbs the wall, but Daniels is right behind him. Daniels hangs upside down from the roof by one leg after throwing Red to the mat. The Pope brings Suicide down, then drops to the mat to punish him further. Daniels extricates himself from the roof, and crawls through the roof to win.
Winner and #1 Contender to the X-Division title: Daniels
Jeremy Borash interviews Daniels about facing either Samoa Joe or Homicide at the next ppv. He has history with both of them, and whoever doesn’t lose tonight will lose to him next month. Daniels tells AJ Styles not to question himself, that he and the TNA fans are thinking of him. Tenay and West run down the rest of the card.
Lauren interviews Matt Morgan about his friction with Kurt Angle. Morgan wants to be in the MEM, but Angle is the one who jerked him around for weeks, getting him to do Angle’s dirty work. Tonight, Morgan rewards himself with the title that’s destined to be his.
Match #2: “$50,000 Bounty Challenge” match, Abyss vs. Jethro Holiday (w/ Dr. Stevie): Weapons are legal. Basically, no DQ. Holiday shows no fear, and lays into Abyss with shoulder blocks and chops. Abyss has none of it, and clotheslines Holiday to the floor. Holiday ducks and Abyss punches a ringpost. Holiday throws Abyss into the railing, and follows him around the floor. Abyss is rolled into the ring, and Holiday attempts a middle rope elbow drop, but misses. Abyss punches down Holiday, then leaves the ring to get a chair. Dr. Stevie tosses a police baton to Holiday, who uses it on Abyss. Dr. Stevie directs traffic, and Holiday knocks Abyss from the apron onto the railing. Abyss places the chair over Holiday and goes for a splash, but Holiday turns the chair sideways, and Abyss crotches himself on it. Holiday hits Abyss with the chair, and goes for the pin, but Abyss kicks out at two. Abyss throws Holiday head-first into the chair wedged into the corner, follows up with a chokeslam, but Holiday kicks out at two. Dr. Stevie interferes, and Abyss drags him in the ring by his hair. Holiday hits Abyss with a bulldog. Dr. Stevie tosses brass knuckles to Holiday. Holiday charges Abyss with the brass knuckles, but Abyss counters with a perfectly-timed Black Hole Slam. Abyss gets the pin and three-count. Post-match, Dr. Stevie gets in Holiday’s face, and Holiday lays out Dr. Stevie.
Winner: Abyss
JB interviews Kurt Angle, who is completely clean-shaven. Hmm. Angle claims that nothing Morgan has said or done has surprised him. Morgan is young, excited, and green. By the end of the night, after Angle talks to him, he’ll be thinking differently.
Match #3: Rob Terry vs. Hernandez: This match was for posession of the “Feast or Fired” briefcase containing the World Heavyweight title shot. Hernandez grabs a mic and says that the fans are his family, and the ring is his house. The British Invasion can either return his briefcase, or he’ll take it and walk out over all three of them. All three Brits rush the ring, and the match is on. Hernandez pins Rob Terry in about four seconds.
Winner and possessor of a World title shot: Hernandez
Lauren interviews Beer Money. James Storm says that they let Booker T and Scott Steiner beat them at their own game, which is winning at all costs. Robert Roode agrees, and says that they got soft by having emotions. Tonight, they go back to what they’re good at. Kicking ass and doing anything necessary to win.
Match #4: IWGP Tag Team title match, The British Invasion vs. Beer Money: Eric Young comes to the announce table wearing a suit to join the commentary team for the match. Beer Money enters first, and they have new music. The British Invasion enters without Big Rob Terry, as he has likely been forced to commit seppuku for shaming his people. Don West and Eric Young make nice while chatting. Loud crowd chants of “Wanker!” Funny. Storm and Magnus start off, and Storm dominates with punches. Magnus gets thrown to the outside, and Roode tags in. Roode lays into Magnus for a bit, then Doug Williams tags in. Williams and Roode trade punches and headlocks, showing off their respective power. Beer Money double-teams Williams. Storm gets a two-count on Williams. The Brits double-team Storm, but Storm clotheslines both guys at once. Magnus is thrown into Williams. Williams is hung in the Tree of Woe, and Magnus’s legs are pulled into the ring post. A new take on the “69” spot. The Brits recover, and work over Storm, particularly on the ankle. The Brits use quick tags to maintain the double-team on Storm. Magnus and Storm go. Magnus repeatedly slaps Storm, but gets knocked to the mat for his trouble. Storm tags in Roode, who lays out Williams and Magnus. Beer Money dominates again. Eric Young tosses one of the title belts into the ring, and while the ref threw the belt out, Magnus low blowed Roode, allowing The British Invasion to get the win. Post-match, Beer Money tries to attack Eric Young, but the Brits pull them off.
Lauren interviews ODB and Cody Deaner. She tries to ask what would happen if Cody Deaner gets the pin, and wins the Knockouts title. Lots of yelling and foolishness.
Match #5: ODB and Cody Deaner vs. The Beautiful People: This was a tag team match for the Knockouts championship. Don West’s commentary here was absolutely gold! Love and ODB start, exchanging pushes. ODB overpowers Love and slams her back-first into the ringpost. Love hits a bulldog on ODB for a two-count. Love tags in Sky, who kicks at ODB while screaming a lot. ODB tags in Deaner, who spanks Sky over the tope rope for a ten-count. Deaner tags in ODB and Sky runs to the other side of the ring and tags in Love. ODB misses a splash, and a red-assed Sky tags in and TBP double-team ODB. Love gets ODB in a sleeper hold, but ODB fights out and throws Love over in a suplex. ODB tags in Deaner, who faces off against Sky. Sky hits Deaner. Deaner kisses Sky. Sky hits Deaner. Deaner kisses Skye. Skye hits Deaner. Deaner kisses Skye. Love attacks Deaner. Deaner kisses Love. Madison Rayne yells at Deaner, who grabs her over the ropes and kisses her too. Sky mule kicks Deaner in the groin. Love superkicks Deaner. ODB and Love scrap on the apron. Deaner pins Sky after Rayne tries to spray Deaner in the eyes, but misses and sprays Sky instead. Post-match, Love and Sky turn on Rayne for her mistake, and Deaner takes the title from ODB, claiming that it’s his.
Winners (and new Knockouts Champion) : ODB and Cody Deaner
Lauren interviews Samoa Joe and Taz. Taz says that Joe is taking the X-Division title from Homicide, starting now.
Match #6: Samoa Joe vs. Homicide for the X-Division title: Even back-and-forth action for the opening minute. Joe rolls out to the floor, where Taz tells him to get his head on straight and play his own game. Joe blocks a hurricanrana attempt by Homicide, and follows up with a suicide dive between the ropes. Joe is all strikes and knees, but only gets a two-count. Joe works on Homicide’s neck, and follows up with a snap power slam. Joe chokes Homicide in the ropes with his leg for a four-count. Both men trade chops. Joe power bombs Homicide, but Homicide kicks out at two. Joe locks in the STF ( a real one, not a John Cena one). Homicide gets a foot on the ropes. Joe kicks Homicide repeatedly. Loud chants of “187!” They trade punches. Homicide lands a top rope missile drop kick, followed by the tope con hilo to the floor. Homicide and Taz talk trash. Homicide hits a hangman’s neckbreaker back in the ring for a two-count. Homicide hits the Gringo Cutter for a count of two and three-fourths. Homicide attempts the Gringo Killer, but Joe pushes him away. Joe locks in a sleeper hold, but knocks Homicide down and cinches in the Kokina Clutch. Homicide taps, and Joe wins.
Winner and NEW X-Division Champion: Samoa Joe.
JB is with Kurt Angle, who goes to talk to Matt Morgan. Morgan yells at Angle for not knocking, and takes him to task for the way that Angle has treated him. Angle partially apologizes, and tells Morgan that if either he or Morgan win, Morgan is in the Main Event Mafia, and all is good. Morgan shakes on it.
Match #7: TNA Tag Team Championship titles match, Team 3D vs. Booker T (w/ Sharmell) and Scott Steiner: Two referees have been assigned to this match, with falls counting anywhere and no DQs. No, this is not awesome. I’m walking out. Be back later. Slow and plodding for the most part. Steiner pinned Ray, but Ray’s arms were under the ropes. The two referees came to conflicting decisions regarding the winners, and consulted the video tape. Booker T and Scott Steiner are declared the winners. Loud chants of “Bullshit!” Agreed, peoples. Agreed.
Winners and still Tag Team Champions: Booker T and Scott Steiner
JB interviews Mick Foley, who says that it isn’t about the number of zeros at the end of your paycheck, but the number of fans you bring to your feet.
Match #8: Legends Championship match, Mick Foley vs. Kevin Nash: Nash dominates early with knees and elbows. Foley fights back with headbutts and punches. Once the action spills onto the floor, Foley hits Nash with a chair. Foley goes for a top rope elbow drop onto Nash, but Nash pulls the chair inthe way at the last second and Foley hits it. Foley’s head is busted open. Blood splatters onto the camera, which is really weird. Nash punches the bloodied mess that is Foley’s face repeatedly, grinning as he does so. Elbows follow punches, and Foley starts to laugh through the crimson mask. Foley fights back and knocks down Nash. Foley pulls out pieces of his own hair, and goes after Nash. Nash is soon busted wide open as well from the steps. Nash rolls up Foley and gets the pin. Post-match, Nash uses Foley’s barbed-wire baseball bat against him. Abyss runs down with his own barbed-wire baseball bat, and makes the save. Foley grins and gives Abyss the thumbs-up. Abyss claps like a little kid, and leaves the ring.
Winner and NEW Legends Champion: Kevin Nash
Lauren interviews Sting. Sting says that you can only trust yourself. Matt Morgan will learn from his mistakes, just like Sting did. Kurt Angle is, well, Kurt Angle, and will walk over anyone in order to preserve himself. There is a third man in the match, however, and it’s Sting.
Match #9: World Heavyweight Championship match, Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan vs. Sting: Matt Morgan enters first, then Sting, then Kurt Angle. Morgan and Angle work together to throw Sting around. Angle misses a running shoulder to the gut when Sting dodges, and hits the ringpost shoulder-first. The action spills onto the floor. Back in the ring, Sting punches Morgan for a ten-count in the corner. Morgan is thrown to the outside, and Sting focuses on Angle. Crowd chants of “You got arrested!” at Angle at points. Angle throws Sting to the outside, where Morgan punches the Icon, and follows him around the ring. Angle leaps off the apron in a cross body, but Sting dodges and Morgan catches Angle instead. Sting kicks Angle as Morgan tries to handle Angle. Back in the ring, Sting gets Angle in the Scorpion Death Lock, but Angle counters it into the Angle Slam for a two-count. Angle attempts the Angle Lock on Sting, but it isn’t cinched in, and Sting escapes. Sting and Morgan now mix it up. Morgan physically dominates Sting, but only gets two-counts. Morgan hits a leg drop on the apron on Sting, but Sting kicks out at two. As Morgan runs into the ropes, Angle pulls down the top rope, and Morgan hits the floor. Angle and Morgan stare down. Crowd chants of “Fuck him up, Morgan!” Morgan throws sweat at Angle and turns his back to him. Angle attacks Morgan from behind. Morgan nails a Carbon Footprint on Angle on the floor. Morgan pins Sting for more than three counts, but the ref is outside checking on Angle. Sting pins Morgan, but Morgan kicks out at two. Morgan plants Sting with a stiff Carbon Footprint, but as the ref counts to three, Angle pulls him out of the ring. Angle hits Morgan with a chair, pins him, and gets the win.
Winner and STILL World Heavyweight Champion: Kurt Angle
So, the Main Event Mafia has all the gold in TNA except for the Knockouts title. The main title is still on Kurt Angle, despite all the legal craziness revolving around him at the moment. They have tv tapings tomorrow and Tuesday, at which Angle may or may not be allowed to be present. That Morgan should have won was clear, which made him look good. That we get Daniels/Joe for the X-Division title at the next ppv is also good. If AJ Styles’s announcement on “iMPACT” is that he’s a loser and he’s going home, I will shout “Turnip!” in a very loud voice. Join us back here at BWF for RAW tomorrow night, and assorted wrestling goodness for the rest of the week.
Peace out,
Drowgoddess
Alright my peeps. I’m here. I’m not dead. I finally have a chance to watch the show from Thursday night. Lets go.
Match 1: Its-a-he Santino vs the Masterpiece Chris Masters
Santino’s face when Masters came out was priceless! Santino tried to go Karate Kid on Masters, then did an acrabatic roll to the other side of the ring. Once Masters got ahold of Santino, it was downhill from there for him. For a little bit of humor (what else is Santino good for) he tried to apply the Masterlock on Chris Masters, only to get dominated again. Masters wins with the Masterlock after Santino attempted to “Hulk-up.”
Match 2: William Regal and Paul Burchill vs Tyler Reks and Yoshi Tatsu
My fiance totally marked out for Yoshi when he came out. Match started out with Yoshi and Burchill. Wouldn’t Burchill have fit better in ECW 3 years ago when he was Pirate Paul and when ECW was mainly a gimmick show? Regal flips over an attempted springboard splash pin for the win over Tyler Reks. Tyler Reks is awkward. He looks like he has something stuck in his butt when he walks.
Video package with John Cena throwing out the first pitch at a Cubs game.
Main Event : Intercontinental Champion Rey Mysterio vs Mike Knox
Mike Knox is severely under-utilized! Dude is massive and burly. Special guest commentator is Dolph Ziggler. This is the typical Rey Mysterio match. He gets dominated the whole match by the much bigger opponent and then gets the win. Rey hits the 619 and goes for the splash, only to have Dolph Ziggler pull him off the mat. Rey gets the win via disqualification.
Santino was the only reason to watch this show, much like Raw. There is a reason this show is on WGN…nobody wants to watch it. Sometimes its good, sometimes its terrible, most of the time its random. See ya next week.
Hi, ThinkSoJoE here for WWE Superstars, filling in for tharvey1 who is on vacation this week. This is the first time I’ve ever actually watched this entire show, so here we go!
Santino Marella is the first Superstar we see. His opponent tonight is The Brian Kendrick. Jerry Lawler talks to Michael Cole about Twitter – where you can find BoredWrestlingFan.com at twitter.com/brdwrstlngfn
Santino Marella def. The Brian Kendrick
I’m going to try to do the format that tharvey1 uses here every week some justice. Kendrick controlled the match until he started telling Santino he was a loser and begun slapping him. Santino says “oh, you make-a me so mad!” He then goes on the offense, eventually picking up the win with a rollup. Funny match.
Later on tonight, CM Punk takes on Edge!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Charlie Haas is in the ring when we come back. Know what that means? He’s going to lose. Especially since his opponent is John Morrison, who beat CM Punk last week on SmackDown.
John Morrison def. Charlie Haas
Younger viewers may remember the original WWF Superstars television show, where all the matches were squashes. This could’ve very well been on that show. Nice to see you, Charlie, eat Starship Pain.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Oh radio, tell me everything you know…
Zack Ryder is on this show pretty much every week. Woo Woo Woo, you know it. His opponent, as announced Tuesday on ECW, is Tyler Reks, who has generic surf music.
Zack Ryder def. Tyler Reks
Reks held his own, but Ryder put him away with the Zack Attack. Woo Woo Woo
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Video Package: Christian, for no apparent reason.
RAW Rebound: Mark Henry pinned Randy Orton.
The Bash: CM Punk hurt his eye and apparently inadvertantly kicked the referee
Speaking of Punk, here’s the World Heavyweight Champion now!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
One half of the WWE Unified Tag Team Champions, The Rated R Superstar, EDGE! makes his way to the ring, and we’re ready for our main event!
Edge def. CM Punk
Punk’s eye is the story here. Edge continues to work over the injury. That’s not to say Edge dominated, Punk showed an aggressive streak at times. Punk went for the GTS and Edge raked his eye to escape. Punk told the referee he couldn’t see, and the referee rang the bell, awarding the victory “by forfiet” to Edge.
Josh Matthews asks CM Punk if he’d done the same thing if this were a title match. Punk says his eye is more than a little bit injured. He doesn’t want to forfiet anything, but if he can’t see he can’t compete. He’ll be happy to grant Edge a rematch when his eye is better, but he can’t see right now.
That’s it, that’s the show – now it’s time to cross the line! Drow will be around in the next 24 hours with the iMPACT! review.
JB and Lauren sound completely hoarse and strained vocally.
Lauren interviews Beer Money. Robert Roode talks at length in a sympathetic and reverent manner about Team 3D and their IWGP Tag Team title defense in Japan just before the TNA ppv. Beer Money bursts into hysterical laughter and talk about not caring at all that Team 3D would do something like that, and that they will still win.
Pre-show: Eric Young & Rhino vs. The British Invasion
Brutus Magnus and Doug Williams enter, accompanied by Rob Terry. Eric Young enters, looking disdainful of the whole thing. Rhino enters last, accompanied by two “special managers” who had won some kind of TNA promotion. Rhino was hugely over, and loud “Rhino!” chants kickstarted the match. Rhino extends the hand to make a tag, and EY pulls away. He drops down to the floor and refuses to make the tag. EY walks up the ramp to the back, where he is confronted by Jesse Neal. EY shoves Neal and exits. Neal moves to ringside, while the British Invasion works over Rhino. Magnus and Williams shake hands while double-teaming Rhino. Referee Rudy Charles yells at Neal for his presence, and Neal says that EY left. Charles appears to be ok with Neal filling in as Rhino’s partner. Rhino eventually tags in Neal, who cleans house at first. The British Invasion hits him with their double-team finishing move, and get the pin and victory. Rhino looks incredibly angry about the entire situation.
Lauren interviews Sting. Sting is confident, not overconfident like Matt Morgan. He says “Matt” many times. He’s confident because of his twenty-something years in the business, and his mission is what it always was: to return respect to TNA.
The song used with the opening video package is by the Goldy Locks Band. Yes, as in she who was once a manager in the early days of TNA.
X-Division title match (King of the Mountain)
Suicide vs. Jay Lethal vs. Consequences Creed vs. Alex Shelley vs. Chris Sabin
Is this match first because it could be the match of the night, and having it first might pull some last-minute buys? Lance Storm says that putting your third-biggest match as the opener is the way to go, so that would certainly make sense here. KOTM rules are clearly explained by Mike Tenay. Curtis Granderson of the Detroit Tigers gets his own entrance, and comes out first. Jay Lethal enters first, Alex Shelley second (to a huge reaction), Consequences Creed third, Chris Sabin fourth (to another huge reaction), and lastly, the champion Suicide. “Can’t he just come in the regular way?” Don West, you funny, funny man! Suicide appears on the top of the KOTM penalty cage. All four guys rush Suicide and beat him down. Huge chants of “Motor City!” Suicide takes out all four guys with a ladder to big cheers. Suicide Solution onto the ladder on Lethal for a pin. Suicide is eligible, Lethal goes to the penalty box. Suicide pins Shelley, and Shelley goes to the penalty box. Suicide and Lethal go, Sabin throws a chair at Suicide’s head. Sabin invites Lethal to use the chair, then sits down in it. Lethal hits the Lethal Combination on Suicide onto the chair, causing Sabin to jump up at the last second. Lethal pins Suicide, with Sabin and Creed piled on top of him. Lethal is now eligible, and Suicide goes into the penalty box. Lethal Consequences and the MCMG jump around in a circle, doing the luche libre celebratory arm pump. Creed pins Shelley, making Creed eligible and sending Shelley to the penalty box again. Suicide monkeyflips Sabin onto the ladder. Sabin climbs the ladder to the top of the penalty box and makes a spectacular leap to the floor, taking out Suicide and Lethal Consequences. Shelley tries to climb the ladder without the belt, and is told no. Shelley and Sabin look at each other, and Sabin drops to the mat for Shelley to pin. Sabin fights the pin just a little, and claims that Shelley pulled his tights. Shelley gets the belt and climbs the ladder while Sabin goes to the penalty box. When he gets out, Sabin hits a huge tornado DDT on Lethal. Now all five guys are eligible to win, and Lethal goes to the penalty box. Sabin hits the Cradleshock on Suicide, sets up the ladder, and climbs the ladder, but Suicide stops him. Sabin hits a hesitation dropkick on Suicide after putting him in the tree of woe, but as he climbs the ladder, Lethal comes back in. Shelley hits Lethal with a frog splash. Creed hits Shelley with an enziguri. Sabin hits the ladder set up by Shelley back-first. Lethal drops a elbow on Sabin as he lays on the ladder. Shelley and Suicide hit the floor by the announce table. Creed and Shelley slug it out on the ring apron. Shelley superkicks Creed, then follows up with a Sliced Bread on the ring apron. Suicide goes after Shelley, who attempts a Sliced Bread on Suicide off the side of the penalty box. Huge booing when Suicide goes to put up the title belt. Lethal pushes over the ladder. Suicide ends up on top of the penalty box with the ladder. Suicide and Creed fight on the top of the penalty box with the ladder planted on Lethal’s back. Shelley sets up another ladder and climbs it, but Suicide leaps off the top of the penalty box and knocks Shelley to the floor. Suicide climbs the ladder and hangs the belt, retaining the X-Division title to smattered applause and lots of boos.
Winner and still X-Division Champion: Suicide
Daniels vs. Shane Douglas (Second Chance match)
Douglas opens by yelling to cut his music and insults Detroit for treating a legend from Pittsburgh so poorly. Daniels enters next. Daniels dominates the opening. Douglas works over Daniels’s arm rather viciously, but Daniels hits the Best Moonsault Ever and scores the pin.
Winner and still on the TNA roster: Daniels
JB interviews Mick Foley in the back. JB doesn’t like Foley’s mathematical chances. Foley says that Jarrett won’t be against him after the bash that he threw him, and in terms of business, the two of them need to be on the same side and keep him champion for as long as possible. Foley will prepare for his next title defense at “Bound for Glory.” That’s “Bound for Glory” 2010, eighteen months from now.
Angelina Love vs. Tara (Knockouts title match)
Tara enters sporting a more MMA-style look. Her new shirt says, “Tara is Rising.” Coolness. Angelina Love enters with Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne, who stay at ringside. Don West’s commentary here is gold! A face-to-face standoff starts things. Tara dominates Love at first. Tara kicks Love through the ropes, and while the referee is checking on Love, Sky and Rayne jump Tara and throw her back in the ring. Love gets a two-count, hits a spinning heel kick, and gets a second two-count. Love distracts the referee again while Rayne and Sky throw Tara into the stairs. Tara is thrown back into the ring, but kicks out at two and a half. Tara’s punches look really stiff. Tara plants Love with a sidewalk slam, but doesn’t go for the cover. She goes to the floor and punches Sky in the face four times. Rayne runs up and gets several blows to the face for her trouble. Tara returns to the ring, only to get sprayed in the eyes with perfume or hair spray. Love pins her for the three-count.
Winner and still Knockouts Champion: Angelina Love
Lauren interviews Dr. Stevie, Raven, and Daffney backstage. Raven cuts a brilliant promo on Lauren and then on Abyss. Trust me, you have to see and hear it for yourself. The group hug with psychotic laughter that ends in what sounds like near-tears is the greatest ending ever.
Abyss & Taylor Wilde vs. Raven & Daffney (mixed tag team “Monster’s Ball” match)
Dr. Stevie, Raven, and Daffney enter first. Don West’s commentary here has to be heard to be believed. He talks about the faction reminding him of his own family and his crazy Uncle Clarence. Taylor and Abyss throw Raven and Daffney into each other. Abyss tosses Taylor over his head and she smashes into Raven and Daffney in the corner. Abyss charges into the corner, but Raven dodges and Abyss squashes Daffney. Taylor goes after Daffney and Abyss hits Raven with a trashcan. Abyss lifts Daffney up in a press slam and launches her over the ropes into Dr. Stevie and Raven. Taylor follows with a flying body press onto the group. Abyss and Raven brawl into the crowd. Daffney jumps on Abyss’s back, but Taylor slams a pair of trash can lids into the sides of Daffney’s head. Taylor and Daffney go at it on the floor, and Raven and Abyss continue brawling into the crowd. Taylor climbs up on top of some speakers and sound equipment and leaps off to splash Daffney through a table. Raven gets a kendo stick and hits Abyss with it. Abyss gets busted open after he pulls out a bag of thumbtacks. Taylor hits Raven with a trashcan lid while he chokes Abyss on the ropes. Daffney takes out Taylor in return. Abyss hits Raven with the kendo stick. Dr. Stevie distracts the referee, but gets knocked down from ringside. Abyss launches Taylor onto Raven, but Dr. Stevie grabs the referee’s leg and stops the count. Abyss pours a bag of tacks out onto the mat. Daffney sneaks up behind Abyss and hits him. Daffney gets caught between Abyss and the tacks, and begs off. Taylor throws Daffney onto the tacks! Taylor goes for the pin, but Dr. Stevie breaks it up. Abyss goes to chokeslam Dr. Stevie onto the tacks, but Raven stops it. Abyss plants Raven with a Black Hole Slam onto the tacks and gets the win.
Winners: Abyss and Taylor Wilde
JB interviews Jeff Jarrett in the locker room. Jarrett has said that he has no desire to be champion again, but he has also said that tonight, he takes his company back. Isn’t that contradictory? Jarrett says no. He doesn’t want the responsibility of being champion because he has enough to do running the company. He will win back the title to stop Mick Foley’s reign of terror and get his company back on track. He will figure out what to do with the World title after he wins it tonight.
Matt Morgan vs. Sting (winner gets spot in the Main Event Mafia)
Morgan overpowers Sting. The reaction for Sting coming out was HUUUGE! Morgan throws Sting into the rail, and they fight on the floor. Morgan throws Sting back into the ring. Sting cuts Morgan off as he tries to get back in the ring. They fight on the floor again, and Sting kicks Morgan in the back of the leg. They get back in the ring, and Sting continues to work over the leg of Morgan. Morgan gets the upper hand and dominates Sting again, slamming himto the mat. Tenay and West talk a great deal about the match between Morgan and Kurt Angle, and the respect that Angle seemed to show Morgan then. Morgan squashes Sting in the corner, hits him with a sidewalk slam, and gets a two-count. Morgan chokes Sting on the ropes, then moves to choke holds on the mat. Sting throws some punches, but they lack power. Sting hits a high-risk jump, but walks into a Carbon Footprint and gets a two-count. Morgan attempts the Hellavator, but Sting gets out of it. Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop on Morgan, but Morgan kicks out at two. Sting applies the Scorpion Death Lock, but Morgan powers out quickly. Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop from the second rope and gets the three-count.
Winner (and still in the Main Event Mafia): Sting
Lauren interviews Samoa Joe and AJ Styles. AJ says that they’re taking the company back and putting it in the hands of the guys who built it. Joe is targeting Angle tonight, and he has already taken out the rest of the Main Event Mafia, one by one. He is hunting, and tonight, he and AJ will become the most powerful force in the history of professional wrestling.
Beer Money vs. Team 3D (Tag Team Championship title match)
Tenay accuses West of spending the previous night in the hotel bar with James Storm doing 12-ounce curls. West says that it was his birthday, and where the hell was Tenay? Awesomeness! Devon and Storm start. Loud chants of “We want tables!” Storm kicks out at two, and Roode tags in. Roode gets a two-count on Devon, and Ray tags in. Ray and Roode exchange punches. Roode goes for two clotheslines that have no effect, ducks one from Ray, and hits a flying forearm on Ray. Ray delivers several stiff open-hand slaps to Roode’s chest. Storm and Devon tag in. Roode crotches Devon on the ring post. Storm punches Devon on the mat. Roode and Storm fake a tag, and Roode and Devon go. Storm legitimately tags in.Team 3D hit the “Wazzup” on Roode. Ray directs the crowd in a huge chant of “Get the tables!” Storm cut off Devon on the floor. Roode and Ray go in the ring. The “Beer Money” salute was pretty loud too. The British Invasion comes down to ringside, to chants of “USA! USA!” The British Invasion sits at the announce table and comments, being quite friendly with Don West and antagonistic to Mike Tenay. Commentary from the British Invasion is great! Rob Terry climbs up on the apron to distract the referee, resulting in Ray climbing to the top rope and landing a flying body press on Terry to the floor! Storm tries to spit beer in the eyes of Team 3D, but misses and blinds Roode by mistake. Team 3D tries to capitalize and hits the 3D on Roode, but Rob Terry has distracted the referee again. Beer Money hits the Drinking While Investing (DWI) and gets the win! Huzzah!
Winners and NEW TNA Tag Team Champions: Beer Money
JB interviews Kurt Angle in an empty locker room. Angle says he’s winning the belt. The Main Event Mafia will resume their position and they will all be celebrating.
World Heavyweight Championship match (King of the Mountain)
Mick Foley vs. Jeff Jarrett vs. Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe
Each competitor got a short video package prior to his entrance. Nice touch. Joe comes out wearing a Detroit Red Wings jersey. Angle comes out wearing a Pittsburgh Pengiuns jersey. Joe attacks Angle before the bell rings to start the match. The two referees announce that because of Joe’s actions, he starts the match in the penalty box, and Angle is eligible to hang the belt. Foley stands on the ladder outside of the ring while Jarrett and AJ work over Angle. Foley pulls Jarrett down on top of himself for a pin. Jarrett is now eligible, and Foley goes to the penalty box. Joe chokes out Foley with the Kokina Clutch, making Joe eligible and sending Foley to the penalty box again. Foley leaves the penalty box and shoves over the ladder that Joe stands on, and Joe lands on the legs of the ladder. Ouch! The entire ladder is bent and twisted. Joe hiptosses Foley into the ladder as Foley charges him. Jarrett tries to stand the ladder up, but it’s useless. Jarrett throws the ladder at Angle on the floor instead. Jarrett gets a new ladder. Jarrett, Angle, and Joe are eligible at this point. Jarrett sets up a ladder and climbs it, but Angle and Foley stop him. AJ stomps Angle and moves the ladder. AJ attempts a tornado DDT, but Angle blocks it and suplexes AJ into the ladder. JArrett tries to hit Angle with his guitar, but Angle blocks it. Angle gets Jarrett in the Angle Lock, but Jarrett uses his free leg to roll out and smashes Angle in the head with the guitar. Jarrett sets up a ladder and climbs it, with Foley coming up the other side. Foley tells Jarrett to give him the belt. Jarrett refuses, and the two exchange punches. AJ flies in, kicking over the ladder and knocking everyone to the mat. It’s Styles and Foley, Joe and Jarrett. Angle is out. Foley climbs up on top of the penalty box. AJ follows him. Foley teases a DDT off the box. Styles teases throwing Foley through the announce table. Foley throws AJ off the box and into the ring. Foley jumps off the box to hit an elbow on Angle. Foley gets a three-count, and Angle goes to the penalty box. Foley is now eligible. AJ is the only one who isn’t. AJ takes his Legends title belt off the announce table, hits Foley in the back with it, and kicks Foley off the ladder. Joe and AJ take turns working over Foley. Joe elevates AJ over the top rope to take out Foley. Jarrett runs into Joe with a ladder. AJ pins Foley on the floor outside. All five guys are now eligible, and Foley is back to the penalty box. AJ and Jarrett climb the ladder. The title belt falls to the mat as Jarrett and AJ exchange punches. Angle attacks Jarrett, who jumps off the ladder to DTT Angle. Joe and AJ fight. Joe climbs the ladder, but AJ grabs his foot and pulls him down. AJ tries to climb the ladder, but Joe stops him. Joe flies through the ropes to take out Jarrett and Foley. AJ tries to hang the belt, but Joe pulls him off and powerbombs him. Joe climbs one side of the belt as Angle climbs the other. Joe hands Angle the belt and Angle hangs it up. Angle wins, through help from Joe! The entirety of the Main Event Mafia comes out on the ramp, cheering as Joe and Angle hug at the top of the ladder.
Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: Kurt Angle
FINAL THOUGHTS: The Joe/Angle thing threw me completely. Peole who think that the opening X-Division title match had no psychology and no story and was a train wreck spotfest are completely wrong. Tenay and West should NOT be talking about how Raven and Abyss “aren’t afraid of dying in the ring” period, and certainly not just after Misawa’s death in the ring. Daffney took the thumbtacks bump! Is there anything NOT amazingly awesome about her? Sting botched his reversal of Morgan’s Hellavator into the Scorpion Death Drop, and while he did get it back shortly, this should be kept in mind while he talks (yet again) about retiring this year. It’s understood that veterans often say that to gain concessions from the company in contract negotiations. One botched move at a ppv doesn’t mean that a person should be fired, but would that be acceptable for, say, Alex Shelley? Look, if Sting can’t go anymore, he can’t go anymore. Why the hell can’t Team 3D just lose? Honestly, do there have to be so many reasons set up as to why they lost the belts? Title defense in Japan, jet lag, just got to the building with no rest, cheating tactics of Beer Money, involvement of the British Invasion, enough! If anyone can win on a given night, just have a clean loss, already!
This was a very solid ppv, and if the usual TNA bashing occurs tomorrow, it certainly won’t be because the show was awful. I paid for this show, and the opening match alone was well worth the money. Of four championship title matches, the first two saw the champions retain and the second two saw new champions crowned. There will certainly be a great deal of fall-out from all seven matches that could go in a number of interesting directions. Next week’s “Impact” should be something good. Check back with us next Thursday night/Friday for all your TNA “Impact” needs!
Peace out,
Drowgoddess
Hey everybody and welcome to another review of the 4th most watched weekly WWE show…WWE Superstars. Fresh off the heels of “Extreme Rules,” what happened?
Match 1: Diva tag team match between Rosa Mendez and Beth Phoenix and the Bella Twins
I hate Diva wrestling, but the Bella Twins are HOTT! The end of the match saw the referee Marty Alias being distracted by Rosa and one of the twins fighting on the outside and Beth hit her finisher on the other twin. Beth Phoenix and Rosa Mendez get the win.
Is it just me, or is Superstars just really random?
After the match, there was a video package of the Batista/Randy Orton fued and showed HHH coming back to destroy Randy Orton yet again.
Match 2: Evan Bourne against Zack Ryder. Woo Woo Woo!
Zack Ryder is just weird. He’s the type of guy you just want to make fun of because he thinks he is cool, but in reality he isn’t. Doesn’t matter….he’ll be gone eventually. Somehow he warrented a long enough match to involve a commercial break. Anywho, Evan Bourne wins with the prettiest move in wrestling…the Shooting Star Press. This was a pretty long match, or at least it felt long.
Main Event time: The 9-time Intercontinental Champion, Chris Jericho against the Guru of Greatness, John Morrison.
This is yet another random match for WWE Superstars. I like the pairing, but it makes no sense. Jericho should be in the World Title picture, not doing IC spots. Morrison should be the IC champ at this point in his career. John Morrison can do anything he wants to in the ring. He is the most athletic performer I have ever seen in a WWE ring. The end of the match was extremely active, as Morrison about won several times. But in the end, Jericho gets the roll up with a tights grab on Morrison for the win. I hope that this begins a fued, but as we have seen with Superstars in the past, it probably won’t.
The show was random as usual. It seems like the perfect place to showcase Diva wrestling, the lower tier talent, and a main event that makes no sense to any storyline. Alrighty then, I shall see you again next week and thank you for reading.
Greetings, fellow line-crossers!
Your Empress of “Impact” is here, with a review of tonight’s go-home show and predictions for Sunday’s “Sacrifice” pay-per-view. Tonight’s episode is titled “Double J in Jeopardy.” Will the TNA Founder remember to phrase the answer in the form of a question? Let’s find out!
Yes folks, the format from last week’s RAW is back! I liked the way last week’s turned out, even if it was a lot more work than normal, so we’re going with it again. Randy Orton is the WWE Champion after last night’s Backlash event, and Triple H was sent to the hospital, so tonight I suppose we’ll find out who’s going to step up to challenge the Legend Killer (not our Legend Killer, the WWE’s version) for his title.
Better late than never, right?
Right?
Oh, just go with it, people!
This past week’s “Impact” just so happened to fall on my birthday, which was pretty cool. What was not in the least bit cool was my lack of internet connection, preventing me from joining in the combination “Impact”/birthday thread, and getting a review for this site posted in a timely manner. Hey, it could be worse. At least this isn’t a site that waits almost a full week to post a review of the previous week’s show. But I digress.
Let’s cross that line, people! Assuming that you’re sober enough to find it in the first place.
We open with a video package detailing several of the ongoing storylines. Foley’s “First Blood” match is pushed heavily. This week’s “Dragonball Z”-esque title is “Who’s Calling the Shots?” Mike Tenay and Don West talk up the Booker T vs. Samoa Joe match later in the program that determines which team gets the advantage in the “Lethal Lockdown” match. As closely as I follow this, I’m still not clear on what precisely that advantage is. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
To the ring! It’s the Main Event Mafia. And their group entrance music. Kurt Angle leads, flanked by his personal security team. Booker T and Sharmell are not amongst the group. Sting is last in line. Sting asks Jeff Jarrett to join him in the ring. Somehow, we know he will. Jarrett’s music plays, and The Founder of TNA (drink) hits the ring. The TNA World Heavyweight Champion is not happy. Sting complains that Mick Foley pulled rank over Jeff Jarrett last week by booking Sting in a “warm-up” match against Samoa Joe. Since Sting is facing Foley at the upcoming “Lockdown” ppv, that’s hardly fair. Jarrett has business to conduct, and really doesn’t need Sting getting up in his face about this. Jarret tries to leave the ring, but Sting stops him. Sting just wants to hear from Jarrett’s own lips whether or not Foley is calling the shots now. Jarret tells Sting that Foley is not calling the shots, that The King of the Mountain is running the show. Sting is pleased, and says that he’s glad to know that he’s dealing with the man in charge. If he had to have a warm-up match for the ppv booked by Foley, it’s only right that this week, Sting gets to book Foley in a warm-up match as well. Scott Steiner tells Jarrett that he could take another road, the joining the MEM road. Jarrett says that such a thought is not even an option. Steiner wants to go backstage and discuss it. However, before Jarrett can say anything to such a proposition, the MEM is interrupted by-
THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS!!!!! (birthday present #1)
The Guns are sporting thier IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Tag Team Championship title belts. The ones that get almost no mention or focus? Yes, those belts. Alex Shelley has a mic. Shelley tells Sting and Jarrett that they were in the back, busily playing “Resident Evil V” and “Street Fighter IV” on the X-box, when they heard that Sting wanted someone to fight Mick Foley. Shelley is pretty sure that Foley runs TNA, and says so. He offers up the services of the MCMG for hire, and challenges Foley to a handicap match against himself and Chris Sabin. Shelley brings up the Turkey Bowl from last November, and calls it the worst, most humiliating day of his career. Because of Mick Foley, he was forced to wear a turkey suit that smelled like burnt hair on national television. He has thought about that moment every day since, and has quietly bided his time for a chance to get even with Foley. This is that chance.
Side note: Why didn’t we see a replay of Alex Shelley being forced into the turkey suit? Some people watching probably never even saw it. We all know that we’re watching a show. It’s not as if it’s a suspension of disbelief that the video footage of such a thing would be available to air at a moment’s notice. Shelley and Sabin could even have (gasp) been allowed enough promo time to introduce the clip themselves, and react to seeing it again appropriately.
In any case, Sting approves, and Jarrett grants the match. Regardless of the circumstances, the MCMG are in the main event against Mick Foley! (birthday present #2) Shocking and miraculous as it may seem, Kurt Angle did not talk during this entire thing! A trend? HAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, I know, but still!
To the back! Jeremy Borash asks Mick Foley his thoughts on the handicap match. Foley laughs about the whole thing, and refers to the MCMG as “white meat babyfaces.” Um, ok. He goes on to talk about “tweaking” the match, but leaves before JB can get an explanation out of him.
To the back! JB is with Foley and Jarrett. Foley is in bizarro mode, and thanks Jarrett for the match, but wants to “tweak” it a little. He continues to annoy Jarrett before leaving. JB asks Jarrett if something is bothering him, but Scott Steiner enters, and Jarrett kicks JB out. Hmm.
Match #1: Sheik Abdul Bashir (w/ Kiyoshi and Team No Limit) defeats Suicide [non-title match]: When did this happen? Did Bashir and the entire Japanese contingent get thrown together simply because they’re all brown, and would therefore naturally want to hang out? The only one who has clearly and consistently been a heel is Bashir. Could we at least get some kind of explanation? It’s already been established that the Japanese guys don’t speak English (thank you , Kurt Angle), so how would Bashir be able to talk to them? I’m just sayin’. The match itself went about four minutes. Not that it mattered, as Tenay and West talked about the Main Event Mafia the whole time. Can’t we hook them up to shock collars and zap them when they do that? Please? Nice tactics of No Limit attacking Suicide on the floor while the ref was distracted, and Kiyoshi sneaking into the ring to kick Suicide. Bashir DDTs Suicide onto the X-Division title belt for the win, which was nice. The lights go out, and Suicide vanishes by the time they come up again. Suicide appears to be getting a much bigger reaction than he was, so many question the wisdom of having him lose matches right now. It wasn’t a clean one-on-one loss, though. The super hero video game character has a chink in the armor, and if a group of guys can take him down, it makes the X-scape match at “Lockdown” more compelling because they’ve established the possibility that he CAN lose.
To the back! The Beautiful People and Madison Rayne (I refuse to call them by their sorority name of “Mi Pi Sexy”) are walking. With scissors. Ah, the jokes write themselves, don’t they?
To the back! Navy veteran Jesse Neal is with Rhino. Rhino does most of the talking. From everything that I’ve read, the story is true, and not a pathetic attempt by TNA creative to play the emotional patriotism card. Neal was on the USS Cole when it was attacked by terrorists in Yemen. That was how he lost a close friend who had shared his love of wrestling. He wants to wrestle, and every match will be in memory of his friend. Rhino says that he’ll be honored to train him. In real life, Neal trains at Team 3D’s school. Either way, he’s a former Navy guy who is legitimately training to wrestle. Good for him. Unfortunately, does anyone else see a collision course between Neal and Rhino and Bashir and the Japanese contingent? As much as I hope they don’t….
To the announce table! Tenay and West talk about upcoming events. For some reason, they think that anyone will actually give two tugs of a dead dog’s cock that “Survivor: Amazon” winner Jenna Moresca will be at the “Lockdown” fan convention. More importantly, The Beautiful People and Madison Rayne jump Raisha Saeed in the back, pull off her head covering, and cut off some of her hair. Saeed’s back stays turned to the camera at all times, so her face is never shown. I guess Kong and Saeed are official faces now.
To the “Rough Cuts” segment! Team 3D talks about their wrestling academy. They congratulate themselves profusely for passing the torch to the next generation and training new guys when lots of veterans won’t. It was a nice package, but I’m sorry, do you want a cookie? There’s quite a lot of self-congratulation going on in TNA amongst the “veteran” crowd about how they put over the younger guys, bring up the next generation, and so on, and that’s just not true. Yes, Team 3D and Beer Money are doing very well. Yes, Mick Foley seems to be keen on working with the Motor City Machine Guns, to a degree. Not much else can be said. Team 3D and the rest of the “veteran” crew will truly be worthy of the accolades they bestow upon themselves when they are no longer the focus of the show. The end.
To the Mike Tenay sit-down interview! Sting tells the story of Mick Foley losing an ear in Germany. He goes on to say that there would be no coming back for him from a major injury this time, and plays up Foley’s unpredictability. This was long, but one of the better Sting promos. He never was a good talker, but his recent TNA work has been the best of his career.
To the back! Lauren rips Abyss a new one for taking the abuse heaped upon him last week by Dr. Stevie. Is she really his girlfriend now? She finally agrees not to report Dr. Stevie, but next week, she’s attending Abyss’s therapy session with him, and Dr. Stevie is going to know everything! Is anyone else uncertain as to what that means?
To the ring! It’s Mick Foley. “To tweak or not to tweak? That is the question.” Ah, Mickles, you kill me! He holds up the work in progress that is his next book, “Crossing the Line.” He decided to tweak the match tonight because of what was in this notebook. Two of his sons, Dewey and Huey (please tell me that someone else thought, “Where’s Louie?”), wanted to look like the Motor City Machine Guns, specifically with haircuts like Alex Shelley. A birthday card with drawings of the MCMG and birthday messages is shown. Foley shows a picture of his younger son with long, golden hair. He says that he went away on the road for a few days, and he came back to see his son sporting an Alex Shelley haircut. A photo confirming this is shown. Foley makes the main event match a “First Blood” match because he wants to make sure that no child ever wants to look anything like Alex Shelley ever again. Tonight, he’s going to carve that kid up like a Thanksgiving turkey. He has tried to keep his home a “Machine Gun-free zone,” and Ted Nugent wouldn’t even want these Guns around. The whole promo was very effective and well-done. Foley came off as angry that his kids idolized someone other than him, and the idea of slaughtering your kids’ heroes because they’re your kids’ heroes is rather heelish. Hopefully, that’s the point they’re going for.
To the back! JB asks the MEM about Sharmell. In case anyone forgot, Samoa Joe walked out of the arena with Sharmell slung over his shoulder. Booker T sits mournfully in a chair, his voice taking a serious tone and nearly breaking. After his very public admission that he uses his TNA television time as free audition time for Hollywood, taking anything that he says on the show seriously is impossible. Today, Mr. BT Huffman (thanks SABUISGOD!) is going for the bereaved parent/spouse role, possibly along the lines of Sean Penn in “Mystic River.” Sharmell hasn’t been the same since Joe took her out of the arena. She hasn’t said a word, and he has no idea what happened. Tonight, what Booker T does to Joe will be left up to Joe’s imagination. Booker leaves, appropriately distressed. Kurt Angle speaks for the first time tonight (GASP!). He says that the match won’t be about the advantage for the “Lethal Lockdown” match. He’s going to the ring with Booker, and if Joe wants to unleash the Nation of Violence, he can unleash it on Angle.
To the back! AJ Styles offers to come to the ring with Joe to balance out Angle. Joe tells AJ that, as far as AJ is concerned, his Nation of Violence is a Nation of One. Joe walks away, but AJ’s sarcastic response of “Oh, really?” rings out loud and clear.
Match #2: Samoa Joe defeats Booker T: This match didn’t even go two minutes. I’m perfectly ok with that. Booker is distracted and distraught. Joe is psychopathic. Why shouldn’t it go like that? Angle trips up Joe and hands Booker a chair, but AJ runs in and pulls the chair away from Angle before attacking him. Joe looked not at all pleased that AJ had shown up. Team Angle and TEam Jarrett are now tied at 1-1 for the “Lethal Lockdown” advantage. Whatever that is.
To the amusement park! Cody Deaner and ODB are on a date. Painfully horrible stuff. They meet a guy in a Woody Woodpecker costume. They played with balls. Yes, all this for some “pecker and balls” jokes. ODB kisses Deaner on the cheek at the end, and he completely flips out. Please end this now.
To the “Rough Cuts” segment! Another look at Team 3D. They talk about the greatest tag teams in history, and the titles that they’ve won in other companies.
To the back! Kevin Nash hits on Jenna Moresca. Again. Ok, wait. So you’re telling me that if I win a reality tv show by getting naked for snack food, pose naked in a magazine, and claim to be a lifelong wrestling fan, I’ll get signed to a contract where I get paid more than real wrestlers to train to actually wrestle in the ring, and get put in a romantic storyline with my favorite wrestler? Where do I sign up???
To the back! Speaking of, Lauren interviews the MCMG. More talk of video games. Shelley announces that they’re so confident that they’ll walk out of this match victorious, that they’ll put their IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Tag Team Championship title belts on the line. Foley can have them if he beats them. Shelley knows that Mick can barely get out of bed in the morning, and they aren’t at all concerned. Chris Sabin gets the mic, and the future Mr. Drowgoddess says that they are going to do what they do best, make a name for themselves. Yes.
Match #3: James Storm (w/ Robert Roode) defeats Scott Steiner (w/ Kevin Nash) by DQ: Why exactly this match happened is anyone’s guess. Team 3D came out to do commentary. Towards the end of the match, Nash interferes and hits Storm with Steiner’s massive pipe (that looks so wrong when I type it), causing a DQ. Team 3D rushes the ring and chases off the Main Event Mafia. More mutual respect between Team 3D and Beer Money.
To the back! The Beautiful People are on their golden thrones. JB asks them about the match tonight. Angelina Love wants to be the Number One Contender to the Knockouts title. Raisha Saeed won’t make the match tonight, as they left her in a pool of her own blood, hair, and vomit. Hold on, did I miss something? I watched it, and I saw hair. No blood, no vomit. Angelina Love is such a dirty pirate hooker. She says untrue things.
Match #4: Awesome Kong defeats Madison Rayne and Velvet Sky: This was supposed to be a tag team match, and it became a handicap match. Fair enough. Not even two minutes did it go. Kong pins Velvet Sky, but Angelina Love runs down and the trio attempts to cut Kong’s hair. They fail, and Taylor Wilde makes the save. No one, I repeat, NO ONE should have to make a save for Awesome Kong.
To the back! JB asks Jarrett what’s going on with Steiner behind closed doors. Jarrett tells JB that it’s none of his business. However, next week, a former TNA champion will turn up for the deciding match in the “Lethal Lockdown” advantage series. The advantage is to have an extra man in the cage when the match starts. Ah, I see. This unknown personage will face Kevin Nash. Please try to control your hysterical laughter. I know. It’s difficult.
To the ring! Sting gets a full entrance as “Special Enforcer.” Special like the Olympics.
Match #5: The Motor City Machine Guns defeat Mick Foley in a “First Blood” match: Oh. My. God. Not only were they in the main event, they technically got a victory. YES! *”Hallelujah Chorus” plays* Foley brought his barbed-wire baseball bat to the ring, and action started off between Foley and Shelley. They end up on the floor outside, where Sabin hits a sweet missile drop kick from the apron on Foley, causing him to crash most painfully. Beautiful double suicide dive from the Guns, sending Foley into the barricade. We go to a commercial break here. When we return, it’s Foley and Sabin in the ring. Shelley hits Foley with a flying forearm. Another Sabin missile drop kick, and stereo enziguris. Shelley is in. From the apron, Sabin makes the Sting battle cry and pounds his chest like an angry gorilla. Sting is angry at this mockery, and the future Mr. Drowgoddess is yanked from the apron and planted on the floor with a Scorpion Death Drop. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Foley hits Shelley with the double-arm DDT, pulls out Mr. Socko, and shoves it down Shelly’s throat. When Foley pulls the sock back, it has blood on it. The referee tries to call for the bell, but Foley won’t allow it. He grabs the mic and says that this little bit isn’t what he promised, or what he’s going to deliver. “Shelley, I’m going to make you suffer.” Foley goes for his barbed-wire baseball bat, and is about to smash Shelley in the groin with it, but Sting steps up and slams a steel chair into Foley’s head. Foley is busted open, and Sting makes the ref declare the MCMG the winners of the match. This is just before Foley and Sting brawl out on the floor.
Yes, I know that we’re lucky to get what we got. Yes, I know that nothing more should be expected. That the MCMG were really pawns in the Sting/Foley feud is not surprising. It just makes them look incredibly weak that they couldn’t beat Foley without help from Sting, who basically handed them the match victory. Alex Shelley has been singled out from the beginning as the problem child, and the person who has issues with Foley, and Chris Sabin is just kind of there. If the MCMG are going to be treated as a unit, everything can’t be Alex Shelley’s fault. It’s a minor thing, but it needs addressing. The top three matches for “Lockdown” are looking very good. One can’t really fault the build for Sting/Foley, Team 3D/Beer Money, or the “Lethal Lockdown” match. The rest of the card seems haphazard and thrown together. Even if it isn’t, it hasn’t been addressed well on television. There’s one more week to make us want to buy “Lockdown.” Let’s see what TNA comes up with.
Peace out,
Drowgoddess