Well first off, before we get down to the wrestling… unless you’ve missed it… there are five wrestlers who you will not see on Smackdown tonight (or any other WWE broadcasting) as they’ve been future endeavored. These would be Melina Perez, Gail Kim, Vladimir Kozlov, Chris Masters, and Harry “DH” Smith. Of the lot, I wouldn’t be shocked to see at least on of these people show up in TNA at some point.
Let’s get onto Smackdown then, shall we? Looks like we’ve got seven matches on the slate, which is fine by me.
So, as I often do when RAW rolls into Buffalo, I went to last night’s show and planned to write about it afterward, complete with any media that I managed to capture via my camera. Unfortunately, my computer doesn’t like the memory card I have in there and I cannot find the USB cable at the moment, so we’re going to have to go without it – which absolutely sucks because I have a video on there of Cena trashing The Rock again after the show.
The dark match last night was Tyson Kidd taking on former NXT rookie Percy Watson. Surprisingly, Watson picked up the win. He looked a little different than I remember him, but of course I was in the very last row of the 300 level, so my vision might have been off a bit.
SPOILER ALERT:If you watch “Superstars” on Thursday and wish to not be spoiled, please skip the next two paragraphs…
Superstars kicked off with a match between R-Truth and William Regal, in which Truth picked up the victory.
That was followed by a tag team match pitting Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov (with Tamina) against Zack Ryder and Primo. Of course you know, Santino pinned Ryder after hitting the Cobra. Fellow fans on the bus were discussing the effectiveness of The Cobra on the way back home from the show.
We love Triple H here in Buffalo. We knew better than to expect The Undertaker, so at least where I was sitting, nobody was terribly upset that he hadn’t shown up. We were all surprised by the immediate beat-down of Sheamus, who incidentally made his RAW debut in the HSBC Arena.
We also love Evan Bourne – great to see him back and looking in top form!
Michael Cole headed down to the ring, and what you guys didn’t see was that the crew came back out to set the announce table back up and Cole actually walked to the back. Probably to generate a little more heat coming back from the break. My attempts at starting an “AND I QUOTE” chant were futile.
Yours truly now owns a New Nexus t-shirt. I was debating whether to get this one or The Miz’s “Hello, I’m Awesome” t-shirt but ultimately settled for this, as I’m a huge Punk mark. I think I’m the only one though – it was a decidedly pro-Orton crowd. Aly didn’t use this one in her review, but I tweeted “Why doesn’t the GM do something? The damned match was over!” after Orton kicked McGuillicutty in the head. Guess we won’t be seeing him for a while.
I absolutely love the fact that people can’t stand The Miz. This is not “X-Pac heat” he’s getting, this is legit heel heat. The man is doing his job, and everything he said during his promo about how he’s the WWE Champion and should be the focus of the company, not Cena and The Rock, is absolutely true. Of course, then John Cena came out and ruined it by making poop and pee jokes – not to mention spewing enough homophobic rhetoric that I’m surprised GLAAD isn’t all over him today. I’m surprised he didn’t finish up with the old Seinfeld line, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” Of course, this was all to set up the main event – a cage match between Cena and Alex Riley. Yes, Alex Riley main evented RAW last night.
So then we got a Divas Battle Royal. All of the participants and guest commentator Eve made it to the ring with about 30 seconds left before the commercial break ended. That’s how much they care about the Divas on RAW. And of course, the Bellas won with predictable ending number 37: Twin Magic.
Now, the next segment. The next segment is going to be the subject of this week’s “A Minute With ThinkSoJoE,” so I’m only going to touch on it briefly – Screw The Rock.
At least Shawn Michaels wasn’t publicized to be a part of the show beforehand, and his segment was kept short. I still say I could’ve stayed home and watched RAW on TV for free instead of paying $70 for two tickets and watching it on TV at the HSBC Arena.
Daniel Bryan, thanks for coming. You, Sheamus, and Michael McGuillicutty please enjoy your kayfabe stay at Mercy Hospital here in Buffalo.
Of course John Cena was going to win that cage match. You really didn’t think so? Still, The Miz got the last word in again as he left Cena lying on the floor following another Skull Crushing Finale. By the way, The Miz sent a twitpic, or whatever you call them these days, during the match. Here it is:
@MikeTheMiz Say cheese!
Cena also tweeted from Miz’s phone during the match. He sent the same picture with the tweet, Hey cenation, come look how good I look!
After RAW went off the air, we still got our advertised dark main event – John Cena and Randy Orton vs. The Miz and CM Punk. The heels took turns wailing away on Cena before Orton got the hot tag and cleaned house. He hit RKOs on both opponents but Cole refused to count, instead running away. Another referee came out and Orton and Cena picked up the win, pinning CM Punk.
Following the match – and this is the important part right here – John Cena had this to say:
“I got something to say to you. I got something to say to all ‘yall. First things first. Randy Orton, thank you. Thank you. After filming RAW television, flying 15 hours to South America to perform four times for sold out shows below the Equator, then flying 15 hours back here to be in Buffalo, New York. To physically be here to stand here in this ring, thank you. Thank you, Randy Orton, for showing up. Now then. People as far as I can see, totally sold out here in Buffalo. I’d just like to make a point that it’s not 14,000, it’s 16,700 people here tonight, and a certain individual would know that – if he showed up. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to end this night with a most important message to all of you: Thank you. Thank you all for the same sacrifices Randy Orton made, thank you for making this program what it is, thank you for being excited to see WrestleMania, but most of all, thank you for showing up.”
Hello everyone, and welcome to coverage of the longest running weekly e-Nevermind. I wanted to sound all epic, but the voice in my head was Cole’s, and now I need brain bleach. Oh, and if you are on Twitter, @Niki_Sushi is a liar. Just so you all know. *wink!*
Anyway, this is an exciting RAW (I hope!) because it’s the RAW after the Royal Rumble! Who outlasted thirty-nine other men to be the winner of the first ever Forty Man Royal Rumble match?! And who walked out of the Royal Rumble WWE Champion? All those answers, and more, to come right now!
Tonight, we will have another Champion vs Champion match between World Heavyweight Champion Edge and WWE Champion, The Miz!
We start out RAW with Ricardo Rodriguez announcing Alberto del Rio. I believe he says something about a mariachi performance in celebration of Alberto del Rio’s victory. And that’s what happens. Ricardo leads them to the ring. Wait, is the mariachi band playing Alberto’s theme song? That’s great.
Rio takes the mic, silences the mariachi band, and says that his name is Alberto del Riooooooo!… but you already know that. You people never, never listen. He told us that it was his destiny to win the Royal Rumble, but we didn’t listen. That’s our problem. We never listen. (as the crowd yells What?) Tonight, we are going to celebrate Alberto del Rio. He’s going to headline Wrestlemania! Even if we don’t’ deserve it, because it’s a blue collar town, he hired the best mariachi in Mexico. This mariachi only plays for the Mexican president and Rio. This is not Justin Bieber’s music, this is real music. I concur. Anyway, he has something else really important to tell us: As the winner of the Royal Rumble, he can choose who he’s going to face at Wrestlemania: WWE Champion or the World Heavyweight Champion, and he has made his decision. And he’s going to tell us right now! The championship he will be going after at Wrestlemania will be the-
AWESOME!
WWE Champion The Miz comes out, Alex Riley in toe.
Miz says before Alberto makes his decision, he wants to say congratulations. Him winning the biggest Royal Rumble in the history, is impressive. Almost as impressive as The Miz’s winning against Randy three times after winning Money in the Bank. He just hopes that Rio chooses to face him. Miz says make no mistake about it, he’ll be the WWE Champion by the time Wrestlemania comes around. He can’t say the same about Edge, because he’s going to lose it at the Elimination Chamber. Last night, Miz saw Edge celebrating. He told everyone who would listen that he was going to embarrass Rio at Wrestlemania and mocking his accent, and his tie. Edge even said that Rio’s cars are all rental. Miz says that if he doesn’t believe Miz, he can ask Riley. Riley said that he gives Rio his word: Edge said he has no respect for a second-rate JBL meets Tito Santana.
Rio takes the mic and says that he knows Miz, and to him, this is a ploy to make him choose Edge instead of Miz. Is Miz lying to him? Miz says really? Really? Really? Listen, he took out Edge’s little buddy Christian. Edge is threatened, doesn’t like, and doesn’t respect Rio. He just thought he’d tell Rio the truth about Edge, talking behind his back.
You think you know me…
As Edge gets in, he plays one of the mariachi trumpets, and the guy laughs.
Edge says Alberto, Miz is right. He’s absolutely right. He doesn’t like or respect Rio. But, he’s wrong about one thing. He wouldn’t say those things behind his back, he’d come out and say them to his face. See, Edge will be champion at Wrestlemania, and if Rio chooses to face him, he will beat him. He will because he’s the Rrrrrated R Superstarrrr. But, you already knew that, didn’t you?
Rio says that the only think he knows is that it is his destiny to be the greatest of the great and at Wrestlemania he will be the new World Heavyweight Champion. Edge says congratulations, and to take this with you. He then hits Rio, and looks at Miz, who leaves the ring with the mariachi, who are not going to lose their instruments. Rio comes back and kicks Edge before grabbing a guitar, which he then breaks on Edge’s back, before locking in the cross-arm breaker. Edge appears to be tapping, but there’s no ref, no match, and Alberto finally lets go.
Ha. The mariachi were playing his theme!! I’m like… 95% sure.
Coming up, Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov will take on Husky Harris and Michael McGuillicutty for the WWE Tag Team Championships.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi OKay. Del Rio dissed the Biebtard. He’s not as obnoxious in my mind now. #BWF #RAW
@JonHexLives I kind of want to see The Miz vs, Alberto Del Rio in a faux hawk throwdown. #WWE #RAW #BWF
@seraphalexiel Alberto will be pissed if Edge loses the belt at the Elimination Chamber…..
@CMPunkSays Del Rio: “You never listen!” Crowd: “WHAT?!” #CantMakeThisShitUp #WWE
@StrikerSays LOLOLOL, “Alberto Pendejo” sign! I like that they are in RI, so obviously the arena staff didn’t know what it meant, and didn’t confiscate.
“Tonight, for the first time ever, we’re going to have a RAW Rumble match. Seven Superstars will participate. T he winner of the RAW Rumble match, will go on to face the WWE Champion at the Elimination Chamber PPV. The remaining six will be in the Elimination Chamber itself. The participates in the RAW Rumble match are Randy Orton, CM Punk, John Morrison, R-Truth, Sheamus, Jerry “The King” Lawler, and John Cena.”
WWE Tag Team Champions Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov with Tamina vs Husky Harris and Michael McGuillicutty for the WWE Tag Team Championships
Marella and McGuillicutty start out, and Santino gets McGuillicutty on the ground before locking in a headlock on McGuillicutty, who runs him into the corner. Santino lets go, but McGuillicutty hits him with a couple of punches and a kick before being forced off by the ref. He then runs to jump on Santino, but Santino move sand tags in Kozlov. Kozlov powers McGuillicutty right into the corner, hitting him with some hard shoulders, before McGuillicutty goes after his knee then kicks him in the head. McGuillicutty keeps him on the ropes before tagging Harris in. Harris keeps him in the corner, then Kozlov pushes him off before Kozlov gets him down and goes for a cover, but Harris kicks out. Kozlov powers Harris over to his own corner and tags in Santino. Santino does something, but Harris shoves him across the ring and then kicks him. Harris then spends his time getting Santino up, and Santino tries to Whip him, but Husky counters, and meets Santino’s offense with a shoulder. Harris shoves Santino in the corner, tags in McGuillicutty, and then throws McGuillicutty into Santino, followed by Harris. McGuillicutty goes for a cover, but Santino kicks out. Something happens, but the replay is too big-there we go. McGuillicutty hits a neckbreaker and goes for a cover, but Santino kicks out at two. Santino is thrown out by McGuillicutty, and Tamina goes over to check on him.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 YES! Jerry The King Lawler…one more time in the Raw Rumble! …but how did R-Truth get on that list? #RAW #WWE #BWF
@CMPunkSays By the way, you are now imagining Jerry Lawler in the Elimination Chamber. #WWE
@HitTheRopes R-Truth? What the phuck? It doesn’t need to be an equal opportunity chamber! #wwe
@KeepItFiveStar R-TRUTH?! R-TRUTH!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! HE HASN’T WON A MATCH IN LIKE A MONTH!
@Niki_Sushi ‘Ruthless’ is glitterfied on McGillicutty’s ass. I can no longer take him seriously. #BWF #RAW
We come back to McGuillicutty trying to pin Santino for the cover. McGuillicutty has Santino in a headlock across the ring from Kozlov, and Santino fights to get to Kozlov, but McGuillicutty is trying to keep him back. They both get to their feet, but McGuillicutty hits a hard forearm on Santino. McGuillicutty tries to hit Kozlov, but Kozlov hits back, and Santino gets a hit on McGuillicutty. Harris and Kozlov are tagged in and Kozlov dominates Harris, going for a cover until McGuillicutty breaks it up. McGuillicutty this a missile dropkick and Santino tags himself in, sending McGuillicutty over the top rope. Santino then hits the Cobra on Harris and pins him for the win.
WWE Tag Team Champions Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov win via pinfall.
After the match, Randy runs down the ramp out of nowhere and RKOs McGuillicutty and Harris for costing him the title last night. He looks up toward the ramp before walking around inside the ring and facing the ramp. Orton looks off to the side and takes a moment to glare at the crowd before looking at Harris’ unconscious body. He looks down at Harris and backs away, standing in the corner, watching Harris, setting up for the punt.
CM Punk, however, interrupts.
He tells Randy not to do that as he, Otunga, and Mason Ryan come out. Punk tells him again not to do it. Punk says that Orton doesn’t want to do this, nothing he wants to be a part of. It’s nothing he would do. Punk asks if he has to say please, and Randy look like he could care less if Punk says please. Punk says he’s not going to beg, but take some advice, for once in his life: Don’t do it. If Orton kicks Harris in the skull, there will be serious consequences and repercussions. Orton really doesn’t look like he cares, and Harris is teasing us about getting the fuck up. Randy stops, however, and looks back at Punk. He then moves out of that position, hangs his head, and looks back at Punk. He looks to the crowd, who cheers (sick bastards), and then back at Harris, and then the other side of the arena, then back at Punk. He smirks, laughs, drops it, and then drops back in the corner, punting Harris in the skull.
Punk, Otunga, and Ryan all take off after him, but Randy slithers on out, running through the crowd and up to the top, rather nicely silhouetted against the darkness there. There is a staring match between Punk and Orton now, as Orton’s music plays.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 Randy won’t cave to an implied threat from CM Punk! Don’t worry, Mulligans have HARD heads! #RAW #WWE #BWF
@KeepItFiveStar Why can’t Randy Orton just talk it out with people? It’s always RKOs with him
@CMPunkSays NOT Have you ever herped a derp so hard that you jobbed to the Cobra? #WWE
@ForrestFuller Why not punt Micheal Cole instead of Husky Harris #WWE #RAW #BWF
Ted DiBiase is joined by Maryse, still, and has a mic. This’ll be good.
Ted says that it doesn’t thrill him to say it, but King’s career is over. And his, his is just getting started. King doesn’t need any more opportunities. It’s time for guys like him to step aside for the future. So, why doesn’t he do the right thing, for the future, and give him his spot for tonight’s RAW Rumble? King takes off his headset and grabs a mic, but Cole snatches it. Cole says he’ll handle it. Cole then says that Ted is being disrespectful. Has Ted ever met King? He’s a legend, a Hall of Famer. He’s heard of the Showstopper, right? King is the Scene Stealer. There’s no way that he’s going to let his selfish, narcissistic ego take himself out of the match to give it to DiBiase. It won’t happen. King takes the mic and says he’s gonna tell both of them something: he’ snot giving his spot up in the RAW Rumble to anybody. His Road to Wrestlemania has always been under construction. He’s been in the WWE 18 years, and he’s never been to Wrestlemania. And, as far as he’s concerned, his Road to Wrestlemania starts tonight, and if it wasn’t for Cole, he may be WWE Champion right now. He knows he can beat the Miz, and he’s gonna be in the RAW Rumble, and he’s gonna win it. Ted then hits King and moves with Maryse. King then follows Teddy, but Ted moves Maryse in front of him, preventing King from hitting Ted. Maryse, on the other hand, is not amused. Ted can’t think of a good enough excuse, so Maryse slaps him. Then, King punches Ted. Poor DiBiase’s having a bad night… And Cole now lectures King, and King says he’s about to shove his fist so far down Cole’s throat they’ll be afraid to remove it. He’s beginning to not care if he gets fired…
Later on tonight, The Miz will take on Edge!
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Maryse with the Princess Peach slap then Jerry Lawler with the Falcon Punch! Ted DiBiase just got Melee’d!
@TKeep123 Love me some Maryse! Looking even HOTTER, if that’s possible!! #RAW #WWE #BWF
@KeepItFiveStar Even R-Truth’s photo looks like he doesn’t belong in the RAW Rumble. It’s like “Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Lawler, I guess. And REALLY??”
@kickoutblog FALCON PAAAWWWWNNNNNCH!
<VIDEO PACKAGE: 2.21.11 Something is coming up…. All we saw was a man in black walking up to a shack in the rain…>
United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs Tyson Kidd
The Bellas are talking, but I don’t’ care. Bryan and Kidd are fighting, Gail ringside, and Kidd gets a good early advantage. Does anyone remember when he had that big guy? Me neither. Kidd goes for a quick cover, but Bryan kicks out two. Kidd puts Bryan in a headlock, but Bryan shoves him off and does a lot of really fancy things. Bryan delivers some hard hits to Kidd, and the camera keeps going to the FUCKING BELLAS, Kidd does some stuff, Bryan tries to lock in the LaBell lock, does, and Kidd taps out.
United States Champion Daniel Bryan wins via pinfall.
Gail hugs Bryan and joins him in his celebration before the Bellas climb into the ring. One of them hits Bryan, Gail shoves her, and insert the same freaking cat fight we’ve seen for too long already. It takes two refs holding the Bellas, and Bryan holding Gail to break it up.
Up next, The Miz and Edge will go one on one!
<COMMERCIAL>
@CMPunkSays IT’S LIKE I’M REALLY WATCHING MEAN GIRLS #WWE
@Niki_Sushi I think Gail just ripped out some extensions and killed a bird. #BWF #RAW #justoneleft
@kickoutblog I already love 2.21.11, WWE hasn’t done anything like this since Jericho’s return.
@redsandman99 How can anyone blame Daniel Bryan for choosing Gail over the Bellas. I’d punt those bitches Orton style for her
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last night, WWE Champion The Miz eliminated John Cena.>
I saw people in the front row with four signs spelling out AWESOME. Loved it.
WWE Champion The Miz with Alex Riley vs World Heavyweight Champion Edge
Miz and Edge lock up, and shove one another away. Then they lock up again, and Edge locks Miz in a headlock, but Miz fights out and gets an elbow to the face, followed by one by the back of the head. Edge Whips Miz, but Miz counters and Edge counters with a neckbreaker. Edge goes for a cover, but Miz kicks out. Edge beats Miz into a corner and hits him a few times. The replay is starting to piss me off. Edge has an advantage over Miz, pulling him in a headlock between the ropes. Edge Whips Miz, who is pulled out of the ring by Riley. Edge grabs him, but Miz drops Edge’s shoulder onto the top rope. He pulls Edge out of the ring and sends him into the steel steps. Miz pulls Edge to his feet and throws him back in the ring, going for a cover. Edge kicks out at two. Miz plants his knee in Edge’s spine before twisting himself around Edge and putting his injured arm in a submission. Edge fights to his feet and punches Miz in the head, but Miz drops down, essentially giving Edge’s arm a stunner before going for a cover, but Edge kicks out. Miz then puts Edge’s shoulder through the ropes, and Riley punches Edge. Miz goes for a cover, but Edge kicks out, so Miz returns to a submission on Edge’s shoulder. Edge fights to his feet, and punches Miz a few times, but Miz puts his knee in Edge’s stomach. Edge returns the favor by putting his heel in Miz’ jaw. Edge then starts to do something, but Miz counters, dropping Edge to the mat, and returning to the submission on Edge’s shoulder. Edge fights to the bottom rope.
Space! Miz goes to hit Edge, but Edge fights back and tries to steal a victory, but Miz fights out. Edge and Miz meet, and then Miz goes for a cover, but Edge kicks out. Miz sends Edge’s arm right back to the mat, then puts his knee in Edge’s shoulder and stretches the arm out. Edge fights out of it, and Whips Miz, but Miz kicks Edge, and then the two kick one another in the face. The ref begins his count. Miz is up to his feet, as is Edge at eight. Miz runs for Edge, but Edge drops him on his face. Edge then drops Miz again, and Edge goes for a cover, but Miz kicks out. Edge kicks Miz in the stomach and then Whips him, but Miz counters,. Edge goes for another cover, but Edge kicks out, and then Miz kicks Edge in the face, goes for a cover, but Edge kicks out. Miz gets on the apron and climbs up on the top rope, standing up and dropping down, only to get a boot to the stomach. Edge then drops Miz on his face. Edge backs up into the opposite corner, setting up for the Spear. Miz gets up to his feet, and Edge tries for the Spear, but Miz sends him into the post.
John Cena says that Miz can do it and says there’s a party, and that they’re just cheering for him. Miz starts to talk to him, and Cena gets the arena doing a Miz is Awful chant, before Edge Spears Miz.
World Heavyweight Champion Edge wins via pinfall.
<COMMERCIAL>
@CMPunkSays FALL IN A HOLE, CENA. A DEEP HOLE. A HOLE THAT REACHES THE EARTH’S CORE. #WWE
@bethsharae Stupid Cena…you got the chant wrong. It’s Miz is Awesome! #Raw
@kickoutblog Once again, the “good guys” cheat to win. Edge with an illegal move and Cena interfered! Should be a DQ win for Miz!
Stone Cold Steve Austin will return to WWE to host Tough Enough in April!
I’m feeling like this is a Smackdown invasion again…
Vickie Guerrero comes out and says that while Edge may have won tonight, but his chances of winning Friday are next to impossible. Friday, the World Heavyweight Championship will be defended in a way that it never has been before, so please join them. Whatever. Oh, hell, it’s our Surprise Champion!
WWE Diva’s Champion Eve and Natalya vs LayCool
Really, Natalya? I wouldn’t have tagged with her. Tell her to find someone else. Oh, wait, there is no one else… For the first time ever, I’m so sick of Eve and Natalya, I want LayCool to win.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Earlier today, LayCool decide that it was the ref’s fault about last night, and make up. Damn it.>
Natalya and McCool start out and Natalya goes for an early cover, followed by another, but McCool pulls out. Natalya keeps an advantage over McCool until McCool gets away and tags in Layla. Natalya walks toward Layla, who drops to the mat and curls up. Natalya touches her and she squirms. Natalya then picks her up and she gets onto her feet and pushes Natalya. Layla then runs over and attaches herself to McCool between the ropes, and turns around to get a kick from Natalya. Natalya suplexes her, and goes for the cover, but Layla kicks out. Natalya Whips Lay, and then Eve clotheslines her. Eve finally actually does something, and hits a handspring moonsault before going for a cover and Layla kicks out. Layla kicks Eve, and Eve runs her across the ring and onto the top turnbuckle. Natalya distracts the ref, and McCool kicks Eve. Layla hits the Face Lift off the turnbuckle and pins Eve for the win.
LayCool win via pinfall.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 Michelle’s boot seems to have knocked some accent BACK into Layla’s mouth! #WWE #RAW #BWF
@Niki_Sushi Goddamn you, RAW. I don’t want LayCool. I just want Lay. Cool can go hang out with Cole and Del Rio in the corner. #BWF #RAW
@kickoutblog “Your big foot” = LOL
OH MAH GOODNESS! IT’S THE GIANT JOBBER SQUAD!
The Great Khali and Mark Henry vs. Jimmy and Jey Uso
Oh, well. No matter who wins, this is kind of humiliating… Josh Matthews has joined Michael Cole as King has gone to get ready for his match.
“As I see the Usos stand across the ring from the Great Khali and the WSM, let’s face it: they don’t have a chance. So, to give the Usos a more competitive advantage, I’ve decided to alter the contest, and these two teams will compete in a dance off. Each team will have the opportunity to strut their stuff, and you, the WWE Universe will have the chance to decide who is the winner. Gentlemen, let’s boogie, woogie, woogie.”
I hate. The. GM.
You know what? I started to review this. I don’t know why. But now, I have a headache. If the WWE Universe loves me, they will know that Khali and Henry can’t dance, and will accept that the Usos won. I hate this. I HATE THI-
That works. The Usos attack Khali and Henry, and then are met by a Punjabi Plunge and the World’s Strongest Slam, and Khali goes for a cover. Poor thing.
<COMMERCIAL>
@StrikerSays Sorry Usos, apparently the Bellas are the only ones with “twin magic.”
@HitTheRopes Amazing that I was just defending Raw last night to someone who can’t stand WWE. Then we get a dance off. #LeSigh
@KeepItFiveStar When The Usos smiled you could tell they died on the inside
@FrankWWEClown I just threw up in my mouth watching Michael Cole dance. #WWE
@TKeep123 Mark Henry rocking the Bollywood Dance??? Kill me now. #RAW #WWE #BWF
@JonHexLives The Usos are straight jobbers now. #WWE #RAW #BWF
The Shack/rain/leather person promo for 2.21.11 plays again.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: The world premiere of the trailer for The Chaperone.>
YAY RAW HATES ME!
RAW Rumble Match: Winner faces The Miz for the WWE Championship at Elimination Chamber, and the other Six will be in the RAW Elimination Chamber match.
When thrown over the top rope, and both feet touch the floor (MORRISON), you lose. I. Hate these kinds of things.
<COMMERCIAL>
@seraphalexiel Kidnapping a wrestler’s loved one is apparently WWE films’ recipe for success
@kickoutblog What is WWE’s obsession with dancing? Just put Kozlov on Dancing With The Stars and be done with it.
@KeepItFiveStar IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!!!
@HitTheRopes JoMo and the ‘E would have been SO pissed if one of them fans got their hand in the way during that spot last night
ENTRANT NUMBER – ENTRANT – ELIMINATED BY
1) John Morrison – Sheamus
2) Sheamus – King and John Cena
3) John Cena – King
4) CM Punk – Randy Orton
5) R-Truth – John Cena
6) Jerry “The King” Lawler – WINNER
7) Randy Orton – R-Truth
I can’t cover this very well, but I’ll give you the interesting stuff. JoMo and Sheamus give us pretty good one-on-one wrestling action, same as their matches, really. Sheamus hits the Irish Curse Backbreaker on JoMo and then freezes everything as Cena comes out.
Cena comes in, obviously furious about being eliminated last night and takes it out on Sheamus. Cena goes to hit an Attitude Adjustment, and Morrison manages to land on his feet instead of getting hit by it.
Punk gets in and immediately cleans house, taking on anyone and everyone who gets in his way. Punk and Morrison are clinging to the ropes like monkeys or something, but stay in.
Truth comes in and immediately takes on his “friend” Cena. What a shitty friend. I’m just saying. Truth and Morrison both nearly eliminate the other, but hang on, and Truth can’t get his black ass back in the ring. He finally does, nearly costing Sheamus his chance to beat the shit out of him.
Jerry runs out and Punk waited for him, and then King punches every-damn-body. Three of the four corners have people getting ready to be dumped out.
Punk runs out of the ring, under the bottom rope, when Randy hits the ring. Randy’s looking for him. And guesses where he is before getting into the ring, looking under the ring. He wants Punk. Orton grabs Punk’s ankle, yanks him out from under the ring and proceeds to beat the shit out of him. Punk gets into the ring and then Randy follows, and finally enters the RAW Rumble.
Punk was the first man eliminated, by Orton, followed right after by Orton, who was eliminated by Truth. Truth nearly got venom spit in his face.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar That’s why R-Truth doesn’t deserved to be in the damn match. He almost got eliminated by the ropes. He probably thinks Parkour is a dance
@StrikerSays R-Truth doesn’t even RUN to the ring, he fucking SKIPS. He makes me want to punch unicorns.
@Niki_Sushi Sheamus has his hand ALL the way up John’s ass. Cole 2.0? #BWF #RAW
@TKeep123 Orton takes out Punk…and R-truth takes out Orton! Tooth is a dead man! :} #RAW #WWE #BWF
Good news is, no one else was eliminated during the commercial. Bad news is, I literally just saw King’s hands all over Truth’s ass. Ew.
King and Morrison are working together to try to get rid of Truth, but he won’t budge. Cena grabs Truth and Morrison on his shoulders and goes to eliminate them both, but only manages to eliminate Truth. Morrison gets Cena on the apron, and the two duke it out, both teetering on the edge. Sheamus runs over and tries to clothesline them both, but they move, and Sheamus holds on, and JoMo starts slapping his damn hands. Sheamus is responsible for Cena getting back in the ring.
Morrison pulls another shit-tacular Parkour move and he hooks his ankles in the bottom rope and keeps himself fin the match. Goes to eliminate Sheamus, but Sheamus catapults himself right onto Morrison.
Cena puts Sheamus in an STF, and Sheamus taps. Like a tard.
Morrison hits Starship Pain, and literally only hits Cena with one arm. What the fuck.
King throws Morrison out, but he keeps himself in by touching the floor with his hands only.
Morrison is out courtesy of a Brogue Kick from Sheamus. Thanks, Sheamus.
Sheamus throws King into Cena and eliminates Cena, and then Sheamus goes for a Brogue Kick, only for Cena and King to move the rope so that Sheamus eliminates himself.
Sorry folks, this is Kiharu (@Niki_Sushi) typing at you, because TheMizMagnet is spitting flames at this end. So this is me saying good night, and thanks for reading this review! Tune in next week for…well, more RAW.
@TheMizMagnet JSODGIJRPOWIGJPOIFJ PDOI APOI OSIDJFPOEWI POI A LVKJDPOI EW OAIJFDA OWIEWR *ragequits*
Hey! That’s right, something before RAW?! Yeah. I decided at the beginning of the Royal Rumble match to do a real quick rundown of the Royal Rumble. This is not going to be anywhere near as long as the usual RAW Reviews, and it’s not going to be as detailed. The backstage segments may be out of order, but I barely paid attention to them…
Edge vs Dolph Ziggler with Vickie Guerrero for the World Heavyweight Championship
So Edge comes out, we’re reminded that he can’t use the Spear or he loses the Championship, and then Vickie comes out, reminds us, and introduces Dolph. The match goes on for a while and was a pretty decent match. I didn’t expect it to be, but it turned out to be. Vickie got on the apron and slapped Edge, but Kelly Kelly, of all fuckin people, came out and took her out. Dolph locked in a sleeper, and during Edge’s wild flailing to get out of it, he slapped the ref, and knocked him down. So, Edge hit a quick Spear when no one was looking (except the whole audience), and then locked in the Killswitch (or the Unprettier) for the win.
World Heavyweight Champion Edge wins via pinfall.
There’s a small segment backstage with WWE Champion The Miz saying that he’ll win, and Riley backs him up.
The Miz with Alex Riley vs Randy Orton for the WWE Championship
Randy gets an early advantage, but Riley interferes and Miz gets it. Match was pretty decent, with Riley interfering a good amount, and The Miz about to walk out before Randy stopped that idea with a harsh clothesline. It ended, surprisingly, with Nexus coming out to stand by the ring. Riley came in to try to get Randy, but was thrown out onto Nexus and the ref, and then Punk came up from underneath the ring and hit the Go To Sleep on Orton, and dragged Miz over for the cover.
WWE Champion The Miz wins via pinfall.
Gail Kim was backstage with Daniel Bryan. Bellas faked an apology and then attacked.
Natalya vs LayCool in a Two-on-One Handicap Match for the WWE Diva’s Championship
Before the match can get started, the RAW GM says that he’s gotten enough emails about Cole being annoying (“That’s just a joke!”), and won’t get more about LayCool, so this is now a Fatal Four Way. NO! IT WASN’T AWESOME KONG’S DEBUT, OR EVEN BETH! IT WAS!!!!!!!
Natalya vs Layla vs Michelle McCool vs Eve Torres for the WWE Diva’s Championship
You read that right. Anyway, the match was alright, kind of, and then Eve pinned Layla as McCool pinned Natalya. However, ref was looking at Eve and Layla.
WWE Diva’s Champion Eve Torres wins via pinfall.
Michelle was pissed.
Then, the Royal Rumble match (and there was a thing at some point about how “Dashing” Cody Rhodes had an official statement about his not making it, thanks to Rey’s knee brace breaking his face nose.) started.
ENTRANT NUMBER – ENTRANT – ELIMINATED BY
1) CM Punk
I have to stop here. Punk came out, and then the Corre’s music hit, and then the Corre surrounded Punk, and then the New Nexus came in and it was a mini-brawl. Essentially, the RAW GM told them that this was not how the Royal Rumble match was going to start and sent them all (minus Punk) back to the back to wait their turns.
1) CM Punk – John Cena
2) United States Champion Daniel Bryan – David Otunga
3) Justin Gabriel – Daniel Bryan
4) Zack Ryder – Daniel Bryan
5) William Regal – Ted DiBiase
6) Ted DiBiase (with Maryse) – Nexus
7) John Morrison – Nexus
8) Yoshi Tatsu – Mark Henry
9) Husky Harris – The Great Khali
10) Chavo Guerrero – Mark Henry
11) Mark Henry – Nexus
12) JTG – Michael McGuillicutty
13) Michael McGuillicutty – John Cena
14) Chris Masters – Nexus
15) David Otunga – John Cena
16) Tyler Reks – Nexus
17) Vladimir Kozlov – Punk
18) R-Truth – Punk
19) The Great Khali – Mason Ryan
20) Mason Ryan – John Cena
21) Booker T – Mason Ryan
22) John Cena – The Miz
23) Hornswoggle – Sheamus
24) Tyson Kidd – John Cena
25) Heath Slater – John Cena
26) Kofi Kingston – Randy Orton
27) Jack Swagger – Rey Mysterio
28) Sheamus – Randy Orton
29) Rey Mysterio – Wade Barrett
30) Wade Barrett – Randy Orton
31) Dolph Ziggler – The Big Show
32) Diesel – Wade Barrett
33) Drew McIntyre – The Big Show
34) Alex Riley – John Cena
35) The Big Show – Ezekiel Jackson
36) Ezekiel Jackson – Kane
37) Santino Marella – Alberto del Rio
38) Alberto del Rio – WINNER
39) Randy Orton – Alberto del Rio
40) Kane – Rey Mysterio
There were a lot of hijinks in the ring during the match. The Miz ran into the ring, after sitting commentary since Alex Riley entered the Rumble, and eliminated Cena after Cena eliminated Riley. Hornswoggle copied a lot of moves, and a lot of the people lasted longer than they may have seemed to. It wasn’t a hugely, wildly spectacular match, but it was alright.
Hello everyone! Terribly sorry about my absence the last two weeks, but things were crazy. Huge thank you to G for taking over the RAW review when my brother came in, and sorry about no RAW review being up last week. Turns out, the boss man, ThinkSoJoE, is having some computer problems, so no one was able to cover. BUT THAT’S OKAY! We’re here now! Or, at least, I am.
Tonight, Punk takes over as leader of the Nexus, and John Cena’s going to confront him for the first time since Punk showed interest two weeks ago! And I’ve been hearing rumors about a Hall of Fame nomination!
Strangely enough, we start out Monday Night RAW with a tag team title match! … No opening promo?!
WWE Tag Team Champions Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov with Tamina vs ??? for the WWE Tag Team Championship
Before their opponents can even be announced, Nexus comes out and demolishes the tag team championships. Tamina is nowhere to be seen, and Punk enters the ring rather calmly, watching the chaos. Nexus clears the ring of the champs, thus answering my question about an opening promo. Turns out we’re gonna get one.
Punk says that he’s sorry and I notice he’s wearing black and yellow shoes. He says that the tag team title match is rescheduled for a later date. Ever since Nexus has made its impact on RAW, it’s been the most dominant force the WWE has ever seen. And, as scary as it sounds, they are even stronger now. He tells Nexus that each and every single one of them has the ability and chance to shine brighter than any other Superstar in history. He can give them the chance to succeed, and says that Barrett consistently failed at setting any kind of example. Two weeks ago, Punk single-handedly put Cena out of the equation. That’s right, their hero in all of his broken down hero will appear tonight. Cena will, he’s hoping, deliver a tear-jerking encore farewell speech tonight. Cena’s days of Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect are over, while Punk’s are just beginning. And then, the coup de gras later tonight, in an act of selfless leadership, Punk will make the ultimate sacrifice when he initiates himself the new leader of the new Nexus. But, he’s getting ahead of himself. His won’t be the only initiation tonight. Each one of the Nexus must prove to themselves, the group, to Punk, to these ‘worthless people’ that they have what it takes to belong in the new Nexus. If they all pass, the Nexus will be at the apex of their power, and they will not only take over RAW, but the WWE entirely.
Otunga takes the mic, damn it, and Otunga says that he speaks for all of Nexus and they would be honored to be initiated into the new Nexus tonight. Punk says that the honor will all be his. Punk starts with McGuillicutty, and says that he’s up first. He knows, Punk knows, the people knows, that Nexus is famous for these group attacks. They’ve beaten down Hall of Famers, the Chairman, and John Cena too. McGuillicutty’s initiation is to be on the receiving end of a beat down. Husky’s name is called and he’s told to start it. Husky looks at McG for a minute, Otunga takes the initiative and starts it, dropping him. Slater asks what the hell he just did, and Punk goads Slater into action. Husky looks at him again, and then drops himself onto McGuillicutty. Husky and Otunga move McGuillicutty to the corner, and Punk leads Gabriel up to the corner, where the Axe Murderer of Nexus Gabriel stands up and hits the 450 Splash. Punk kneels in front of McGuillicutty, and Nexus puts him on Punk’s shoulders, and Punk finishes it off with the Go to Sleep. Punk leaves, and Nexus carries the unmoving McGuillicutty off.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi ‘It wasn’t your turn! >:O’ ‘YOU TOOK TOO LONG!’ #BWF #RAW
@HitTheRopes David Otunga speaks for no one. Not even for himself. We all know, J-Hudson speaks for him.
@kickoutblog CM Punk is the only one with the right to wear pants though.
@StrikerSays Is The Nexus going to be CM Punk’s new SES? Are they all going to shave their heads?
@CMPunkSays Screw your tag team titles, it’s NEXUS TIME! #WWE
@Lunna1969 Isn’t that how gangs do their initiations? #WWE #RAW #BWF
@JonHexLives Nexus CM Punk shirts! #WWE #RAW #BWF
DAMN IT! R-TRUTH IS BACK!
R-Truth vs Alberto del Rio
If del Rio honks that horn one more time, I’m bitch slapping his face off.
Truth goes for del Rio, but del Rio moves, and Truth chases him, throwing him into a corner and then yelling WHAT’S UP at the crowd. Del Rio is sick of Truth’s shit and gets the momentum before going for a cover, but Truth kicks out at two. Is it just me, or does the arena look smoky? Anyway, del Rio Whips Truth, then misses a clothesline. Truth counters with a head scissors and then clothesline. Truth runs back at del Rio, and clotheslines him out of the ring, sending them both to the floor. The ref starts a count, and it takes a few minutes before either man moves. Del Rio attacks Truth, who attacks back. But, Ricardo Rodriguez starts yelling at Truth, and Truth gets counted out thanks to that.
Alberto del Rio wins via count out.
Del Rio takes the mic and says that’s another victory for him! But we already know that. We also know that his destiny is to win the Royal Rumble, and headline Wrestlemania. Okay, he knows that’s a different story, because tonight they’re in Nashville! The music city? Oh, you silly, silly, Americans. You don’t know anything about music. You don’t know anything about culture. Oh, del Rio, these people will kill you outside the arena. All they know is about their Justin Biebers, Idols, hip-hop, and that horrible and boring country music. This is a bad place to diss country music… In Mexico, they know about music. They know about culture. He says to allow a man with many attributes to show them real music, mariachi music! He motions to Ricardo and asks him to sing. Ricardo says that he can’t sing, probably thanks to that hit he just took to the face, and del Rio asks nicely. Ricardo takes the mic and sings La Cucaracha. Which I learned in Spanish. He’s really not that great at it, but I can’t blame him.
Two weeks ago, Punk gave Cena a Go to Sleep, and tonight, Cena is going to confront him. Holy crap, Ricardo is jamming. Tonight, we have to watch yet another John Morrison and King Sheamus match. Goodie. Why am I always covering RAW when people who can’t sing try to? Anyone remember Mark Henry rapping?
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar “And I haven’t even started yet!” You have started! You’ve been doin this shitty song for like 5 years!
@Niki_Sushi DAMMIT! Just when I thought I escaped it! Truth, how bout you go to TNA too? CAROLINA CONNECTION! :B #BWF #RAW
@kickoutblog Okay, if Del Rio starts winning every match by count-out, he’s going to become the world’s greatest asshole.
@typicalROHfan CAN DEL RIO RUN OVER R TRUTH WITH HIS CAR?
@JonHexLives I’m hoping Alberto Del Rio does at least one promo where he warms up like Ramses from NACHO LIBRE. #WWE #RAW #BWF
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Two weeks ago, WWE Champion The Miz violently attacks Jerry “The King” Lawler.”>
Jerry says that he’d be lying if he said he was fully recovered. Cole says that Randy will be sorely disappointed when he can’t take the WWE Championship from The Miz. Cole tells Jerry to apologize, but we have an email.
“Recently, Michael Cole has been on the receiving end of a lot of criticism. However, I support Michael Cole in every conceivable way. Even though, he’s a conceited, pompous, arrogant, self-centered, pretentious jerk. Okay, just kidding. The reality is that Michael Cole has done a phenomenal job and is the epitome of manhood. I wish we had more people like him, with the guts to stand up against popular opinion. Michael is an award winning journalist, a two-time Slammy award winner. He is witty, highly intelligent, and not to mention, handsome. Ladies and gentlemen, the highest honor one can achieve is to refer to themselves as a Cole Miner!”
Jerry finally interrupts, and my dinner stays in my stomach. Jerry says that he’s just received a message from the entire WWE Universe, and he quotes: “Will you please SHUT UP?” Really, Cole, nobody in their right mind would ever even think, say, or much less type, that Cole is handsome. What he really is is a coward. Cole says that Jerry can’t touch him or he’ll be ordered, but Jerry slams the laptop shut.
Cole says it still works.
“I assure you that Michael Cole is not a coward. And King, neither are you. That’s why I know that even though your body hasn’t fully recovered, you can’t wait to exact revenge. Therefore, tonight, WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley will take on the team of Jerry “The King” Lawler, and Randy Orton.”
Punk is backstage and says that McGuillicutty’s in and passed with flying colors. Husky’s next. His initiation, if he chooses to accept, is in his left hand. He will willingly, without reprisal, take three lashes from everybody, with… a strap? A belt? Something. Husky says he accepts. Punk tells him to take the shirt off. Husky takes the shirt off, and Otunga starts. Justin’s next, and doesn’t seem as anxious as Otunga was. Slater comes up, and seems more discontent with the belt than with Husky. Punk tells them to get Husky up and hold his arms. Then, Punk delivers eight quick snaps with the belt.
<COMMERCIAL>
@RhymesWithPen CM Punk is treating Nexus like a frat, but lets be serious, no frat would ever allow Heath Slater to be a brother …
@KeepItFiveStar This is payback for the last week’s RAW/Smackdown with all that wrestling
@Niki_Sushi I have officially gotten to the point that until I see Cole, I literally can NOT hear him. I’ve blocked him out. #BWF #RAW
@kickoutblog Just when you thought it couldn’t get creepier than the opening segment, New Nexus turns to S&M
@jaded_prinz Ugh Raw has now turned into mini Bondage bear porn featuring a submissive Husky Harris lol
@dasharpshooters I guess Husky couldn’t remember the safe word. #wwe #raw
United States Champion Daniel Bryan and Mark Henry with The Bella Twins vs Ted DiBiase and Tyson Kidd with Maryse
Bryan and DiBiase start out the match with Bryan dominating. However, Bryan gets distracted and goes to take Kidd out of the match, but DiBiase throws him out of the ring. Kidd sneaks in a hit real quick and then DiBiase brings Bryan back in. DiBiase tags in Kidd, who keeps Bryan in the corner. Kidd distracts the ref, and DiBiase chokes Bryan. Kidd tags in DiBiase, and DiBiase gets Bryan in the center of the ring with a headlock. Bryan fights out and bounces off the ropes, hitting a hard clothesline on DiBiase. Bryan tags in Henry, and DiBiase tags in Kidd. Kidd runs face first into a clothesline, and then is head butted to the ground. Twice. Kidd crawls away and Henry runs toward him in the corner, but Kidd dives over and tags DiBiase in. They hit a double dropkick, but Ted is hit by a clothesline and Kidd is hit by Bryan. Then, Henry hits the World’s Strongest Slam for the win.
Mark Henry and the United States Champion win via pinfall.
Later tonight, WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley will take on Jerry “The King” Lawler (again) and Randy Orton. We have The Big Show here tonight and we find out why next.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog No Jackson Andrews with Tyson Kidd, I’m sure that tells you all you need to know about his WWE future.
@TheMizMagnet: GODDAMN IT! JERRY! STOP FIGHTING MIZ! I HATE THESE MATCHES! *storms off* #BWF
@TKeep123 This whole RAW is from a bad parallel world.
@Niki_Sushi I’m not going to be happy with the Diva’s division until A) Bellas are fired for being stupid or B) Awesome Kong comes n eats them #BWF #RAW
@HitTheRopes A couple years ago Mark Henry would have been ALL over them twins. #wwe
@KeepItFiveStar Mark Henry continues to be a threat for the Royal Rumble
On NXT, that guy with the giant nose was eliminated, and Dolph Ziggler said that he was terrible, and basically sucked. Not like anyone cares about NXT.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, it’s a big show!
Between Alberto del Rio and The Big Show, we have been invaded by Smackdown. Awesome. And Show just wiggled his ass. I’m so sorry to that guy in the front row.
Show says thank you very much, and it’s great to be back on RAWR…er… RAW. He is here to discuss some issues. Number one is Wade Barrett. He finds it funny that last week Barrett is knocked out of Nexus, and this coming up Smackdown, he wants to knock Barrett out! Number two, the Royal Rumble. He’s letting every superstar know that they’re on notice. The Big Show is coming to the Royal Rumble and he’s not playing games, go on and main event Wrestlemania-
We walk alone…
Punk, Gabriel, Slater, and Otunga make their way out to the stage, and Punk looks at Otunga, as do the rest of Nexus. Otunga makes his way down to the ring, and this is apparently his initiation. He looks back at Punk, who merely stares at him, and then makes his way into the ring.
Show holds up a finger, and Otunga pushes it down and smacks Show’s ear. Show looks at him, and Otunga looks like he’s just offering himself up for a smack, but then Show kicks him and then throws him out of the ring. Show follows Otunga and chucks him over the announce table. Punk rips his shirt (DAMN IT!), and then delivers that massive slap on the announce table. Show yells at him, and then drops him right on the floor. Show slams Otunga into the steel steps, and then shoves him into the ring. He then choke slams Otunga. Show then delivers the knockout punch to Otunga. Punk, Slater, and Gabriel don’t move, except to raise their fists up. I guess Otunga passed.
Later, Cena will address Punk, and next up, John Morrison will take on King Sheamus.
<COMMERCIAL>
@seraphalexiel I think you can get arrested for this type of hazing
@kickoutblog Seriously, if someone told me I could take 25 lashes from a leather belt or a 25% punch from Big Show, I’d ask for 50 lashes.
@KeepItFiveStar And now the WWE, and Jack Link’s present: Messin With Sasquatch
@RobMcNichol If Henry is Sexual Chocolate, Bryan Danielson must be Erotic Marshmallow.
<VIDEO PACAKGE: Last week’s Falls Count Anywhere Match for the WWE Championship>
John Morrison vs King Sheamus
Sheamus gets a good start in this match, but Morrison fights back, only to eat Sheamus’ knee with his stomach. Sheamus stomps on Morrison, and then continues to methodically pick Morrison apart before bouncing him off his knee. Sheamus goes for a cover, but Morrison kicks out at two. Sheamus puts his foot in Morrison’s throat and then steps off, dominating Morrison. Morrison tries to fight back, but Sheamus puts a stop to that with his elbow in Morrison’s face. Sheamus goes for a cover, but Morrison kicks out. Sheamus puts Morrison into a vicious looking hold that my brain refuses to give me a name for, but Morrison fights out, climbing up to his feet only to take a hit from Sheamus. Sheamus goes to knee Morrison in the stomach again, but Morrison goes for a cover. Morrison kicks out and picks up speed, getting the momentum. He this a heel kick to the jaw before Sheamus crawls into the corner. Sheamus, however, has none of that, and Morrison ends up on his stomach before kicking him again. Morrison plants his feet in Sheamus’ face, and then pulls himself up with a very on-PG pelvic thrust, but Sheamus shoves him out of the ring instead of facing up against Starship Pain.
<COMMERCIAL>
Nobody tweeted anything that I could really use here, so here’s a picture for your entertainment.
We come back to Sheamus dominating Morrison again, but Morrison fights out of the headlock. He goes to Whip Sheamus, but Sheamus drops him onto his back and goes for the cover, only for Morrison to kick out at two. Sheamus holds Morrison’s head off the apron, and drops hard elbows onto Morrison before letting him roll back into the ring and going for another cover. Morrison kicks out at two again, and Sheamus puts him in another submission. Morrison fights to his feet, and then out of the hold, fighting back against Sheamus with quick punches and kicks. Morrison pulls Sheamus out of the corner, and then goes for the flash kick, but Sheamus ducks it. Sheamus runs across the ring at Morrison, but Morrison pulls down the top rope and sends Sheamus out. Morrison then jumps out of the ring, attempting a suicide dive, but Sheamus plants his knees into Morrison’s ribs. Sheamus then plants Morrison onto the steel steps, ribs-first, and rolls him into the ring. Sheamus gets ready to use the Brogue kick, but Morrison fell onto his ass, and Sheamus just kicks him in the back. Sheamus then puts Morrison on the top of the turnbuckle and climbs up after him, because this always ends well, , but Morrison drops onto the steps and puts Sheamus’ face into the steel post before hitting something I missed and winning.
John Morrison wins via pinfall.
Now we’re reminded of McGuillicutty’s initiation into Nexus, then Husky’s initiation, and then Otunga’s demise at the hands of The Big Show.
Punk is holding onto two Singapore canes, and says that Otunga did well and is in. Punk says that Slater and Gabriel’s initiations… He’s not going to beat them with the kendo sticks, my bad, and Punk says that they’re going to beat each other with the kendo sticks until he tells them to stop. Punk says he’s serious, and neither one looks like they want to do it, and this is going to be an EPIC LIGHTSABER DUEL! Neither one moves to do anything, and Punk just watches like, “you fucking babies” before he stops them. Punk says that if they’re not in, they’re out. He expects home runs from all his soldiers, so swing for the fences. Slater and Gabriel look at the frustrated Punk, weapons in hand, and Punk asks them if they’re going to hit him, then tells them to do it. They both drop the Kendo sticks, and then walk out of the locker room.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 Please…PLEASE hit Punk with those sticks! Get some balls! #WWE #RAW #BWF
@HitTheRopes It’s a light sabers duel. #StarWarsMeetsWWE
@Niki_Sushi Awwww! I’m so proud of Justin! Punk kinda looked like he was gonna eat their faces, though. #RUNFORTHEHILLS #BWF #RAW
@stephensonmc @JustinG_Nexus twirled his kendo stick like he was Obi-Wan #Raw
@YourBoyDrew So is anyone else convinced CM Punk runs a BDSM dungeon somewhere?
The first inductee into the Hall of Fame class of 2011 is about to be announced!
Jerry Lawler is in the ring and says that the greatest accomplishment of his career was being inducted into the Hall of Fame. So many individuals, even in childhood, dream of competing in the ring, and less that 100 of them have been inducted into the Hall of Fame. Hall of Famers share qualities like skill, drive, determination, charisma, and the respect of the WWE Universe, and the inductee he’s about to name, has earned the respect of the WWE Universe. He deserves, more than any other, to be a first ballot nominee. And it is the Heart Break Kid Shawn Michaels.
I think I’m cute… I know I’m sexy…
Holy shit, Shawn is there. I hate them right now. But it’s a personal thing. Just ignore me now.
Shawn takes the mic and motions for silence, but a one more match chant start-
Del Rio walks out, obviously not even caring. HE says his name is Alberto del Rio, and Shawn stares at him. Del Rio says that we already know that, and he, he is Shawn Michaels, the Heart Break Kid, the Legend, the Icon, the Showstopper. These people used to cheer Shawn. An HBK chant starts. Del Rio says but now, they cheer him. Which is greeted by a giant boo. It’s simple, del Rio says, that he’s the present and the future of the WWE. And Shawn is just history. After del Rio wins the Royal Rumble match, he’s going to win the Heavyweight or the WWE title, and after that, he will be known as the New Mr. Wrestlemania. And Shawn says nothing, just gives him a good dose of Sweet Chin Music. He then pockets his microphone like a gun, and makes sure his shoe isn’t scuffed up. Shawn then takes the scarf and dances his way back up the stage.
<COMMERCIAL>
@FrankWWEClown Congratulations to @ShawnMichaels_ Can’t wait to be there live to see one of my childhood heros get inducted. #HBK #WWE #RAW
@Lunna1969 Omg I’m actually crying cause I’m so happy! Congrats @ShawnMichaels_
@TKeep123 HBK into the #WWE Hall of Fame! Works for me! Well deserved! #WWE #RAW #BWF
@CMPunkSays I am grinning my face off. #HBK #WWE
@Niki_Sushi I just joygasm’d right here. Very few people have done everything Shawn did and incited the same love and adoration he has. #ThankYouShawn
@Niki_Sushi Shawn, keep that scarf. You’ll need it for the weather down there. #BWF #RAW
@HitTheRopes Shawn Michaels didn’t plan on going hunting but he just bagged himself a wild Del Rio.
@KeepItFiveStar Alberto Del Rio and his scarf just got Sweet Chin Music! That’s unfair. The scarf had nothing to do with this!
@TKeep123 Is there anyone that doesn’t see Sweet Chin Music in ADR’s future? #WWE #RAW #BWF
@Saiyavenger Sweet Chin Music. Still epic in ways even complex flippy-dippy finishers only wish they could be.
@RingsideRants ADR had time to shower and put a suit on after his match, but Otunga couldn’t even change his shirt?
Riley is excited about Lawler and Orton being in the ring at the same time, but Miz doesn’t seem excited, and asks what’s wrong with Miz. Miz says that in two week’s time, he’s attacked a Hall of Famer and defended his title in a match that people should be talking about. But no, people are talking about Randy Orton. People are saying that it’s a fact that Randy will win The Miz’ championship at the Royal Rumble. NO matter what he does, people won’t give him the respect that he has earned. Tonight, in their match, he doesn’t just want to beat them, he wants to demoralize, embarrass, and hurt them, so they can show the world that the only fact is that he’s going to be the WWE Champion for a very, very long time. Alex starts to say his catchphrase, but Miz stops him and says that catchphrases are for closers, and he won’t’ say it until after he finishes Randy Orton tonight
Cole is in the ring and says that they are about to be joined by John Cena. Two weeks ago, John Cena was assaulted by the new Nexus and their soon-to-be new leader, CM Punk. Punk interrupts from on top of the tron, which is pretty badass. Punk says that they are through talking about John Cena, and this is the CM Punk show now. What he wants to talk about is the new Nexus. What tonight has shown is that McGuillicutty, Harris, and Otunga have proven themselves strong enough to be in the new Nexus. They sacrificed themselves through their initiations, and now he is prepared to do the same. His initiation will be the ultimate sacrifice, and it is his hope and dream that through his sacrifice, it will prove that not only was he a member of Nexus, but he was their leader. Should he dive off this tro- Jesus Christ Nashville wants death. Fucking hell. Punk asks if he should break every bone in his body, rupture every muscle, and Matthews says no. So do I. Punk spreads his arms, and pauses. He says there’s one question he needs to ask: How gullible are all of you people? He’s wearing a bright yellow harness. He has two guys spotting him. He’s safer there than anyone in their seats. He then says what kind of an idiot jumps off the tron? Consider themselves initiated, Nashville, they are all the biggest, mindless, group of sheep – JERICHO! – he has ever seen in his entire life. The injured, but members, of Nexus make their way out to the ring, short Gabriel and Slater.
Punk is in the ring now and says that if anyone watching actually thought he was going to jump off the tron, they are stupid. He takes off his shirt, and says that as we can see, he’s wearing a safety harness, and then says that someone who would consider doing such a rash thing, is mentally challenged (still hating on Jeff Hardy! =D), and he is mentally superior. There’s never been a thought in his mind to jump off the tron, he doesn’t need their approval or initiations, and he is the leader of the new Nexus. Punk says that Cena is no longer there. He got rid of Cena.
Cena’s voice comes and Cena says that he’s there, on that big screen you were gonna jump off of. Cena proceeds to insult him and that kind of thing, and says that he is wasting everyone’s time. Why would he bother to give the new Nexus a physical imitation? He’s already given them one. He said he would get his hands on each and every member of the Nexus, and he di-wait. There’s a new member he hasn’t managed to initiate, and that’s CM Sucks. Punk says he’s not afraid of John, and he will not stand in his ring on his show and be intimidated by John. John says prove it. Next week, CM Sucks faces John Cena in a match. Punk says that he accepts. Cena says he was hoping that Punk would. All those things Punk has been saying about Punk, they’re right. If you provoke him, he’s the most animalistic, brutal, violent, physical man on the planet. That means, next week, Punk gets dealt with. As sure as Cena wears purple and the sun rises in the morning, Punk gets dealt with. Next week, it’s not about t-shirts and armbands, it’s about him whooping Punk’s ass.
Up next, the WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley will take on Jerry “The King” Lawler and Randy Orton.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi What kind of idiot jumps off the Tron?! Me: Jeff Hardy? #BWF #RAW
@KeepItFiveStar “What kind of an idiot jumps off the tron?!” Jeff Hardy
@kickoutblog Punk is gonna Shane-O-Mac it up there.
@CMPunkSays I really wish John Cena wouldn’t bury the best thing in the WWE. That’s just… it’s just wrong.
@ThingsColeSays “CM Sucks” has to stop.
@kickoutblog John Cena’s been watching George Carlin.
@JonHexLives It’s like indie Punk has come back. #WWE #RAW #BWF
AWESOME!
The WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley vs Jerry “The King” Lawler and Randy Orton
Alex Riley and Jerry Lawler start the match, and Lawler goes for Miz, who jumps off the edge of the ring. Riley takes advantage and knocks Lawler down. Riley tags Miz in and Miz knocks Lawler across the ring. Lawler gets Miz down on the mat and begins to pound him. Miz runs out of the ring, but Lawler follows closely. Lawler then bounces Miz’ head off the announce table before sending him into the apron, and then into the steel steps. Miz rolls into the ring off a punch in the face, and then Miz sends his elbow into Lawler’s face and tags in Riley. Lawler sends Riley to the ground and tags in Orton. Riley backs away from Orton who follows, upper cutting him in the corner. The ref has to forcibly remove Orton from Riley, and Orton goes back, Whipping Riley across the ring, only to get a kick to the stomach. Miz is tagged in and hit with a clothesline before Orton stomps on Miz’ face once, then again. Orton then stomps on his stomach and steps on him, tagging in Lawler. Lawler gets Miz to his feet and punches Miz to his knees, twice, three times. King proceeds to unload on Miz in the corner, the referee having to force Lawler off. Miz retaliates with a kick to the face, and then goes over Lawler and punches him repeatedly, having to be forced off by the ref. Miz then sends Lawler to the mat before putting him in a headlock. Lawler fights up to his feet, but gets a knee to the midsection for his troubles. Miz then hits his swinging corner clothesline, sending Lawler face first into the mat.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar C’mon Randy Orton. How you gonna wipe your mouth before coming out to wrestle? Didn’t wash your hands or anything.
We come back to Riley dominating over Lawler, and Riley runs shoulder first into the turnbuckle as Lawler rolls over, and nearly goes to tag in Miz. Riley runs to Lawler, and gets punched in the face for his troubles. Lawler reaches for Orton, but Riley tries to get Miz. Riley manages to tag Miz in, and Lawler technically tags in Orton, but Orton never saw it. Miz sets up the Skull Crushing Finale, but Orton gets in and manages to hit the RKO. Lawler goes for the cover as Orton hides behind the apron, and Riley breaks it up. Riley makes Miz tag him in, but Lawler manages to tag in Orton. Orton hits the scoop slam, and then the back breaker on Riley, all the while, keeping an eye on Miz too. Riley rolls under the ropes, but Orton grabs him and hits that DDT. He then hits the mat and sets up for the RKO. Miz tries to sneak in, but Orton sees him, and Miz slips back out. Riley stands up and tries for something, but Orton hits the RKO. Orton keeps his focus on Miz. Orton moves back and tags in Lawler while Orton stares at Miz. Lawler then drops his right hand on Riley for the win.
Randy Orton and Jerry “The King” Lawler win via pinfall.
Next week, CM Punk and John Cena will finally face off!!
Tonight’s RAW was made up for by the fact that del Rio got Sweet Chin Music’d by Shawn Michaels. And… I wasn’t fond of the main event, but I’m starting to get sick of Jerry wrestling. It’s a personal thing, I suppose. Anyway. We’ll see what happens next week! Later!
Hello everyone! Tonight is that special night once a year where Superstars and Divas – and now Guest Hosts/Stars? – are given that award that they all hope to attain! A championship?! Don’t be silly!! The Slammy for… Whatever Category They’re Nominated In!! And, because someone, somewhere loves me, here are the categories and nominees!
SHOCKER OF THE YEAR! The Miz cashes in Money in the Bank and becomes the WWE Champion
Randy Orton punts Chris Jericho in the head
The Nexus debuts
Paul Bearer turns on The Undertaker
KNUCKLEHEAD MOMENT OF THE YEAR Big Show unmasks a bald CM Punk
Santino Marella gets out-danced by Vladimir Kozlov
Beth Phoenix eliminates The Great Khali from the Royal Rumble
Lay-Cool gets beaten by Mae Young
DESPICABLE ME AWARD CM Punk sings Happy Birthday to Rey Mysterio’s daughter
Drew McIntyre faces and humiliates Teddy Long
Kane buries The Undertaker alive
Mr. McMahon makes truce with Bret Hart, then kicks him in the groin
HOLY %&^*%&* MOVE OF THE YEAR Kofi Kingston hits Drew McIntyre with a leg drop off ladder through announce table
John Cena sends Batista onto a car and through the stage with two Attitude Adjustments
Randy Orton delivers an RKO to a flying Evan Bourne
John Morrison dives off set onto Daniel Bryan and The Miz
GUEST STAR SHINING MOMENT OF THE YEAR Wayne Brady gets RKO’d by Randy Orton
Pee-Wee Herman vs The Miz
Mike Tyson punches out Chris Jericho
William Shatner sings WWE Entrance Themes
“OH SNAP” MELTDOWN OF THE YEAR Big Show destroys Jack Swagger’s trophies
Edge destroys the RAW GM’s laptop
Alberto Del Rio injures Rey Mysterio’s arm with a steel chair
Batista quits WWE
WWE MOMENT OF THE YEAR Sheamus attacks Triple H from behind with a lead pipe
Edge Spears Chris Jericho through the barricade
The Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels in Michaels’ final match
John Cena counts 1-2-3 as Orton defeats Barrett and Cena is fired from WWE
As well as these categories, there’s also Diva of the Year and Superstar of the Year! But, alongside the Slammys tonight, we also have to find out what Wade Barrett’s decision is concerning Nexus. Will he rehire John Cena, or will he be outcast from the Nexus?
However, before RAW went on the air, the following Superstars won the following awards:
Best Performance By a Winged SpecimenRAW Chicken Best Use of Exercise Equipment Rosa Mendes – Shake Weight Most Menacing Haircut Tyler Reks Best Family Values Kane destroying Swagger Sr. as Jack Swagger looks on Superstar/Diva Most in Need of Makeup Sheamus The “Cole in Your Stocking Award” Daniel Bryan attacking Michael Cole on NXT Outstanding Achievement in Baby Oil Application“Dashing” Cody Rhodes Frequent Tweeter Award Goldust Best WWE.Com Exclusive Show WWE NXT <-Because this needed a category… Most Annoying Catchphrase Zack Ryder’s Woo Woo Woo, You Know It
David Arquette is introduced, and says that there’s no one better to kick of the Slammy Awards than him. Arquette says that he beat Eric Bischoff, and then says that he should have won an Oscar for his role in “Ready to Rumble”. The first category of the Slammys is the Shocker of the Year! Is it The Miz cashing in on Orton? The Nexus debuting? Paul Bearer’s turn against the Undertaker? Or, will it be Randy Orton punting Chris Jericho in the skull?
Wade Barrett comes out and says nothing for a few minutes. Then, he speaks and says he accepts it on behalf of the Nexus. Of course, the Nexus wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for him. If he wouldn’t have won NXT Season One and brought them with him, then they wouldn’t have become the most powerful group in the history of the WWE. And speaking of power, he is the one man with the power to rehire John Cena. Of course, the other members of Nexus have informed him that if he fails to rehire Cena, he’ll be excommunicated from the group. That is, of course, the group he created. He hasn’t made up his mind yet, but he will be making his decision before the night is over. In the mean time, everyone can rest assured that Barrett will be creating many more shocking moments in the WWE.
“Mr. Barrett, I’m going to give you the opportunity to give us yet another shocking moment in a match right now against this man.”
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, it’s a Big Show!
Wade Barrett vs The Big Show
Big Show took Wade’s Slammy, and Barrett looks upset. Punk says that Show thinks there is chocolate under the Slammy, which is why he took it.
Show goes for Barrett, but Barrett ducks under the rope. And then again. Barrett then slides out of the ring and walks around it. The ref starts counting. Barrett gets back in the ring at nine. Show then fakes a hit and kicks Barrett on the stomach, then smacks him hard in the chest. Show then goes to do it again, but Barrett pokes Show in the eye. Barrett takes advantage and attacks the legs. Show misses with a right hand, and Barrett continues to attack his legs. The crowd has a Cena chant going, and Show swats Barrett away from him. Barrett gets show on one knee, but Show gets up and is pissed, throwing Barrett all over the ring, and then out of it. Show climbs out and smacks Barrett again. Barrett is thrown back in the ring, and Show makes his way in as well. Barrett rolls back out and grabs his Slammy. Then, he proceeds to walk out of the match.
Big Show wins by count out.
The Superstar of the Year Nominees are Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton, Edge, John Cena, World Heavyweight Champion Kane, and WWE Champion The Miz.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi ‘It’s not fair! It’s not fair!’ Bitch, this is professional wrestling, not dodgeball. #BWF #RAW
@TKeep123 did I just see ANGRY MIZ girl in the crowd??? #WWE #RAW #Slammies
Oh God. And again, the Diva of the Year will be determined in a battle royal… again.
Kelly Kelly’s presenting Despicable Me Slammy of the Year with Tyson Kidd and Jackson Andrews, or whatever his name was.
God, it’s been so long since I’ve had to listen to Kelly Kelly talk, and she still sounds disgustingly stupid. And I agree with Tyson as he congratulates her for using more big words right now than ever in her life. I like Tyson now. The nominees are: Drew McIntyre humiliating Teddy Long (I want this one, just for Drew to talk to me), Kane burying the Undertaker alive, Mr. McMahon turning on Bret Hart after seeming to accept him, or CM Punk singing happy birthday to Rey Mysterio’s daughter.
CM PUNK!
The crowd doesn’t seem to know whether to cheer or boo him.
Punk says this just goes to prove that if you work hard and believe in yourself, you’ll make all your dreams come true. People ask him why he did it, and he did what he did because Rey wronged Punk, and when people wrong him, he gets even. Right now, there’s another individual who has wronged him, and he’s going to talk specifically to this person, so he wants them to watch their back, because he will get even. And if you think what he did to Rey and his family was despicable, you haven’t seen anything yet.
Kofi comes out, and Punk says that it’s his moment.
<COMMERCIAL>
@WWEsAngel_Nef LMAO @ CM Punk #wwe #slammys Punk is fkn gold man!
@kickoutblog Quite convenient that the Despicable Me award is one day before the movie comes out on DVD.
@xescapeartists Did Tyson just make fun of Kelly Kelly? OMG TYSON. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. And Kelly, you suck on the microphone. kthnks.
@redsandman99 And the Bellas STILL think Daniel Bryan is the guest host!
Kofi Kingston and United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler and Ted DiBiase with Maryse
Daniel and Dolph start out, Ziggler with Bryan in a headlock. Bryan fights out with elbows, but Ziggler takes him down, only for Bryan to kick out of the cover. Ziggler tags in DiBiase, who holds Bryan against the ropes, distracting the ref while Ziggler delivers a cheap shot. DiBiase goes for two covers in a row, but Bryan kicked out. DiBiase tags in Ziggler, who runs right in and goes for a cover, only for Bryan to kick off. Ziggler tags in DiBiase again, and kicks Bryan in the stomach. DiBiase goes for another cover, but Bryan kicks out at two. DiBiase gets Bryan in a headlock, and Bryan kicks out, ducking two clotheslines, and then both men running into one another in a cross body. DiBiase rolled right out of the ring, and Bryan tags in Kingston. Ziggler comes in, only to get a bunch of kicks to the face. Kingston Boom Drops Ziggler and then calls for the Trouble in Paradise, which connects. Kingston goes for the cover and DiBiase just barely misses breaking the cover before the ref smacks the mat in three.
Kofi Kingston and the United States Champion Daniel Bryan win via pinfall.
Later to come, Sheamus and John Morrison meet one on one.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog But speaking of Despicable Me… IT’S SO FLUFFY!
@Niki_Sushi Vickie, Bellas, Daniel, Kofi…this could only get worse if Truth came out. #BWF #RAW
@WWEsAngel_Nef I love how everyone has a woman at ringside except Kofi. Maybe he should ask DB if he can borrow a Bella Theres enough 2 go around #bwf #wwe
Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov are going to present Guest Star Shining Moment of the Year! Santino says that once again RAW was host to top performers in sports and entertainment. Santino says that Kozlov was humiliated by the cast of MacGruber, and then Kozlov says the time that he destroyed Santino. Santino apologizes, kisses his cheeks, and then steps away from an angry looking Kozlov. The Nominees are Mike Tyson for punching out Chris Jericho, Pee Wee Herman vs The Miz, Wayne Brady getting an RKO, or William Shatner singing Superstar Entrance Themes.
Via satellite, Pee Wee says he just received word that he won. He’s never won anything like that before and he’s overwhelmed, and he’d like to thank The Miz, Big Show (AKA Big Pee Wee), and he’s ready to come back anytime, and it’s incredible, and he’s going to burst, and thank you, and all that good stuff.
Backstage, Barrett puts his Slammy up and is confronted by Nexus. Otunga says they want his decision. If he doesn’t hire Cena back, Nexus will be just fine, but Otunga can’t say the same thing for Barrett. Taking that beating from Show didn’t look too promising for Barrett’s singles career. Barrett thanks Otunga for opening his eyes and says he knows exactly what he has to do.
<COMMERCIAL>
@JoeyStyles William Shatner was robbed of a Slammy
@WWEsAngel_Nef WILLIAM SHATNER WAS ROBBED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #WWE #bwf #Slammys
@RingsideRants That crowd could not care less about Pee Wee Herman.
@Niki_Sushi Johnny Knoxville should win, just for knocking Ted on his ass. I’m just saying. #BWF #RAW
Mark Henry vs. “Dashing” Cody Rhodes
Rhodes can’t even get his jacket out of the ring before Henry runs after him. Henry goes after Rhodes, and Rhodes ducks under the ropes. Rhodes ducks a clothesline, and then is thrown across the ring, and then is hit with a clothesline. Henry then screws with Rhodes’ face, and Rhodes goes Hulk on him. Rhodes rips Henry and then jumps all over him, literally, and then puts him in a headlock. Henry refuses to submit, and manages to get up to his feet. Rhodes goes to kick him, but Henry pushes him back and then clotheslines him a few times. Rhodes thrown into the corner, and then gets Henry’s giant ass in his stomach. Henry goes to do it again and Rhodes hits Beautiful Disaster, then takes him down. Rhodes then jumps off the top rope and plants his knee in Henry’s spine for the win.
“Dashing” Cody Rhodes wins via pinfall.
Next up is the Holy %&^*%&* Move of the Year.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi I really… really… want some kool-aid right now. HE’S DANCING MY FACE, DAMMIT! >:O #BWF #RAW
@seraphalexiel At this point, I’m positive that a win over Mark Henry should no longer be considered an upset victory
Jerry “The King” Lawler is presenting us with the next award!… along with Vickie Guerrero. Don’t worry, King, you aren’t the only one upset. King says he’s glad to see Vickie and he’s lucky to be there, because he was up all night with his pet lizard who had reptile dysfunction. I laughed. Vickie says Holy…. Is the exact reaction she had when Cole caused Jerry the WWE Championship. King says that that’s probably the reaction Ziggler has when she models lingerie, or goes into the restaurant and says she’ll take it when given the menu. Vickie says she’s lost weight, and Jerry says to look around, and she’ll find it.
Nominees! Morrison jumps off the set onto Daniel Bryan and The Miz, Kingston leg drops Drew off a ladder through the announce table, Cena AA’s Batista through the stage, and Randy RKO’s Evan in midair.
John Cena! King says hold up, because Cena is fired and can’t be there, so they’re going to accept it.
Barrett comes out and says that he’ll take that. If Cena wants it, he can come and get it. The whole world is hanging on Barrett’s every word, because he’s about to decide whether or not to rehire John Cena. Barrett says his decision is… … … … Barrett says that he’s not going to make his decision unless John Cena comes down to the ring and faces him. The crowd starts screaming and Barrett’s eyes dart around to try to find Cena. Cena hugs a bunch of people and high fives people and makes his way to the ring. Barrett tells him to keep his distance, and that if Cena attacks him now, his decision will be obvious. Barrett says that he’s thought long and hard about this decision, and it affects a lot of people: Cena, Barrett, and the Nexus. The Nexus comes out, but John doesn’t seem scared. Nexus surrounds the ring again. All these long pauses of silence are getting on my nerves. Barrett says that Cena is officially rehired… on two conditions: 1) Cena agrees to face Barrett this Sunday at TLC in a chair match, which Cena agrees to. 2) Cena gives the whole world what they’ve been waiting to see: Tonight, he goes one-on-one with David Otunga. Otunga looks shocked, but Cena laughs and agrees to that too. Barrett says he wants to show Cena exactly why he wanted to rehire him. And Nexus climbs up on the apron, and Cena fights, and Nexus gangs up on him. Barrett slides in the ring with a steel chair, and smacks Cena with it when he goes to get up. Then again. Barrett and Nexus leave the ring. Welcome back, Cena.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Slipped that carpet right out from under Mr. Orange Face, now didn’t he? #BWF #RAW
@TKeep123 “Paging Wade Barrett…paging Wade Barrett….you can claim your testicles at the ticket office. ” #WWE #RAW #BWF #Slammy
Next week is WWE Week on USA! Monday night at 9 is RAW, Tuesday night at 9 is Smackdown, LIVE, and Tribute to the Troops is Wednesday at 8!!
David Arquette is back, with a change of clothes, to say something: he’s opening a theater at the historic Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood. They’ll be debuting on Valentine’s Day 2011. He wants to introduce the WWE Universe Fan Reaction of the Year. This encapsulates what makes the WWE Universe so great. Nominees: Weird Kid Reacting to Cena joining Nexus. Loser Crying when Shawn Michaels’ career ended at Wrestlemania, some Kid, and then the Angry Miz Girl.
I officially hate her. She thanks her dad and her sister, and-
AWESOME
I really hate her right now.
Miz kneels in front of her, to a rather unimpressed face, and asks if she remembers him. He says she looks so pretty, and compliments her Slammy. He asks if he can take a look at her Slammy, and the girl looks half dead. He says that he should take it for safe-keeping, and then asks if she can do him a favor: show him the face, and then mocks her for the face. He makes Riley hold it, and says that he deserves a Slammy, not a nine-year-old girl. Nobody’s worked harder than him. He’s held the United States, Unified Tag Team, Money in the Bank, and WWE Championships. That’s called a Grand Slam. He finds it amazing that tonight is the Slammys when there are still three weeks left in the year, because if you want a moment of the year, tune in this Sunday to TLC where he’ll beat Orton so bad, Orton will beg him to put him through a table. He’ll prove why Miz is the reason they’re here tonight-
“I decided that six days before your tables match at TLC, both you and Randy Orton are going to face former champions tonight. And Miz, your match against a former World Champion, begins right now.”
WWE Champion The Miz vs Rey Mysterio
Miz and Rey go to lock up, but Miz kicks Rey, then beats him into the corner. Miz then whips Rey across the ring, but Rey throws him out of the ring, and then sentons him outside the ring.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi It’s like taking a Slammy from a very angry 9 year old girl who would love nothing more than to beat you to death with it. #BWF #RAW
@kickoutblog Did Miz just steal Miz Girl’s Slammy?! Hilarious.
@HitTheRopes Where’s Kalee’s dad? Just for realism, dad should have gotten in Miz’s face. #wwe
@TKeep123 ANGRY MIZ GIRL…..LIVE!!! ….and she WINS!! …and she still ain’t happy! #WWE #RAW #BWF #Slammy
@AngryGirlWWE I WIN! I WIN!!!!! #angrygirlwwe
@RingsideRants Miz Girl is a better actress than Dixie Carter.
We come back to Rey fighting and throwing Miz across the ring. Miz went to counter one of Rey’s moves, but Rey countered that one. Rey shoves Miz into the ropes and gets ready for the 619, but Alberto Del Rio interrupts, and Miz climbs out of the ring. Rey slides out of the ring, but gets face planted into the apron by Miz. Miz throws him back in and goes for a cover, but Rey kicks out at two. Miz dominates Rey, putting him up on the top rope, and climbing up after him. Miz sets up a suplex, but Rey throws him off and hits a seated senton, then flies into a lateral press on Miz. Miz shoves Rey back and then kicks him in the stomach. Rey kicks him in the head and Miz kicks out of the pin. Miz goes to hit him, but Rey gets a drop toe hold on Miz and goes for the 619, but Alberto is on the apron and distracts him. Rey set s up again, but Riley distracts the ref and Alberto takes Rey down. Miz sneaks up a cover.
WWE Champion The Miz wins via pinfall.
Rey chases Alberto Del Rio down the ramp.
“As I said earlier, both The Miz and Randy Orton will face former champions tonight. Miz just faced Rey Mysterio and later tonight, Randy Orton will compete in a handicapped match against Alex Riley and his partner, former WCW World Heavyweight Champion, David Arquette.”
Well, way to give a match to Randy. Because legitimately building up momentum is overrated.
Still to come, the Diva Clusterfuck Battle Royal for the Diva of the Year Slammy. And John Morrison and Sheamus have yet another match next.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog Miz Girl should do a run-in and cost Miz the match.
@TKeep123 Is it wrong I’m looking forward to the Cross-brand DIVA Battle Royal? …Ok, and hoping for wardrobe malfunction? #WWE #RAW #BWF #Slammy
Edge is here to give out the Slammy for the Oh SNAP! Meltdown of the Year, a category he is nominated for. He says that it’s an honor to be out there tonight to present the Slammy and he’s pretty sure Kane was supposed to be his co-presenter tonight because he’s probably having a Meltdown of his own right now. Right now, Edge needs a co-presenter, one he’s comfortable with, one that he knows well and has had chemistry with…
If you close your eyes you’ll find naked truth revealed…
I marked out right here. I really did. Edge asks how his pec is and Christian says it’s fine. Christian says that he hopes Del Rio wins, because he and his Peeps haven’t forgotten what happened. The nominees are: Show destroying Swagger’s trophies, Alberto del Rio freaking out all over Rey Mysterio, Edge destroying the RAW General Manager’s laptop (“You’ve got the crazy eyes!”), or Batista quitting the WWE.
Edge!!
Edge says that he appreciates the Slammy, but for Meltdown of the Year? He doesn’t get it. He’s always been calm and rational, but sure he may have lost his cool a few times because of a RAW General Manager who hides behind a computer, and has no guts and Christian tries to stop Edge. Christian’s phone goes off and he says that he’s just received an email… nah, just kidding. He is the RAW General Manager.
Sunday, Edge will be the World Heavyweight Champion, but after all these years one thing has remained the same: Michael Cole is still a massive tool.
King Sheamus vs John Morrison
Sheamus shoves Morrison right into the corner, then slaps him hard, and then proceeds to just beat the hell out of Morrison. Morrison then beats the crap out of Sheamus. Sheamus goes right through the damn ref to get to Morrison, then Morrison gets the momentum… I don’t even know.
Nobody wins due to double count out.
More refs come out to try to get them apart, but the two of them are vowing death to the other, but still.
“Sheamus, Morrison, it’s obvious this issue of yours isn’t going to be resolved tonight, so I’ve decided to raise the stakes. Not only will the two of you will compete at TLC Sunday, but the winner will become the next Number One Contender to the WWE Championship. The winner will be the man who gets the contract that is suspended above the ring. That’s right, the two of you will compete in a Number One Contender’s Ladder Match.”
Sheamus yells at Cole, then grabs a ladder. He then slams it into Morrison, who walked right the hell into it, and then climbs in the right to further beat the hell out of Morrison, and throws him out of the ring, into the ladder.
Still to come, Randy will face Riley and Arquette, Cena and Otunga will face up.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi How do you win an award for beating up a computer? How do you win an award for puking on someone? The same way, akshully. #BWF #RAW
@seraphalexiel Honestly, I would have preferred if Del Rio and Mysterio got the ladder match
@RingsideRants Oh damn…. a potential Morrison-Miz title program in the works??
@kickoutblog Christian > Edge. Always
@WWEsAngel_Nef Why yes. Yes you are a tool Michael Cole. Edge is ftfw! #WWE #bwf #Slammys
@TKeep123 Christian get’s a Anonymous GM message on his iPhone … ok, just kidding! #WWE #RAW #BWF #Slammy
@HitTheRopes Damn, that sh*t had to hurt! #Sheamus #Morrison #wwe
Presenting the Slammy for Knucklehead Moment of the Year is… JTG and William Regal? SERIOUSLY?! I love Regal, but seriously? With JTG? Regal at least just shakes his head at JTG.
Nominees: Show unmasks a bald CM Punk, Mae Young PWNS Lay-Cool, Beth Phoenix eliminates Khali via… kiss?!, and Santino Marella is out-danced by… Vladimir Kozlov?!
Mae Young beating LayCool… But Lay Cool is totally here. God. Layla says she’d thank Mae Young, but they don’t get basic cable at the nursing home, and the award is Flawless.
<COMMERCIAL>
@HitTheRopes JTG screws up the announcement. #ReadingReadingYeahYeah
@WWEsAngel_Nef You know JTG needs to fire that gimmick and be more Regal ish. #bwf #WWE #Slammys
@kickoutblog A battle royal to determine Diva of the Year? Doesn’t that just determine the Diva of December 13th?
Diva Clusterfuck Battle Royal to determine Diva of the Year
Layla, Michelle McCool, Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, Beth Phoenix, Maryse, Brie and Nikki Bella, Melina, Eve Torres, Diva’s Champion Natalya, Gail Kim, Kaitlyn, and Tamina? Anyway, Kaitlyn and Rosa are eliminated first, Tamina, Bella Whore 1, Eve Torres, Bella Whore 2, Maryse, Kelly Kelly, Melina (after a Glam Slam into the ropes), Layla, Beth Phoenix, Gail, Alicia Fox, and Diva’s Champion Natalya.
Michelle McCool wins.
“Celebrate all you want tonight, ladies, but this Sunday may be a different story. At TLC, LayCool will meet WWE Diva’s Champion Natalya and her partner, Beth Phoenix, in the first ever Diva’s Table Match.”
Next up, Edge takes on Jack Swagger.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog How long have they been using the “HERE COME ALL THE DIVAS!!” music? It needs to go
@Niki_Sushi …. I think LayCool just got royally fucked. #justsayin #BWF #RAW
@seraphalexiel Wait. Did they say Divas tag team tables match? Did I hear that right? DID I HEAR THAT RIGHT?
I’m a horrible person for continuing to laugh at Kane pushing Paul Bearer off the edge of the second floor… I really am.
You think you know me…
Edge vs Jack Swagger
Edge and Swagger lock up, but Swagger gets the momentum and slams Edge down to the ground. Swagger keeps momentum over Edge, throwing Edge across the ring and into the opposite corner. Edge, however, takes no shit, and beats Swagger, who manages to come back by dropping Edge stomach-first into his knee. Swagger goes for a cover, but Edge kicks out at two. Swagger then puts Edge in… a submission my brain isn’t providing a name for right now, but Edge fights to his feet and then eats the heel of Swagger’s boot. Swagger goes for another cover, but Edge kicks out. Here, Cole points out to us that TLC means Tables, Ladders, and Chairs. Thanks Cole! :B Edge fights off of Swagger’s shoulders and drops Swagger straight to the mat. Edge ducks a clothesline and slams into Swagger before dropping him to the mat and going for a cover. Swagger kicks out at two, and Edge goes to Whip him, but gets thrown to the mat, and he kicks out of Swagger’s cover at two. Swagger runs across the ring and goes to drop on Edge, but Edge lifts his legs and Swagger tries to lock in the ankle lock, but Edge rolls over. Swagger goes for the Gutwrench Powerbomb, which we haven’t seen in forever, and Edge counters out of it, dropping Swagger to the ground. He sets up for the Spear and hits it.
Edge wins via pinfall.
WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley are backstage talking about David Arquette. Miz says that he’ll be out there too. Arquette runs up and says that he and Miz have a lot in common: they have Hollywood careers, they’re both awesome. Riley says that Orton is dangerous and Arquette is delusional. Miz says he has one goal in mind: To put Orton through a table.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog Edge vs. Jack Swagger will be preempted for Jack Swagger vs. his t-shirt.
@Niki_Sushi I’ve always wondered what exactly they stare off into the distance at… is there a target saying ‘LOOK HERE’? #BWF #RAW
@TKeep123 Edge v. Swagger …not a bad match tonight! Edge wins! THPEAR! THPEAR! THPEAR! #WWE #RAW #BWF #Slammy
Cool Smackdown vs RAW 2011 award thing.
WWE Moment of the Year Slammy will be presented by The Big Show! Show walks over to get a better mic, and says that there are many legendary moments in the WWE, and here are this year’s nominees: Cena rules fairly and is fired from the WWE. Sheamus attacks Triple H from behind during Triple H’s farewell speech. Edge Spears Jericho through the barrier. Shawn Michaels’ final match against The Undertaker.
Shawn Michaels!
Shawn couldn’t be here tonight, but he is on the Tron!!! Shawn says he can’t give away his location for fear the WWE would try to get him to come back, and he thanks everyone for making his life worth living, and Shawn tweeted that this part was taped earlier, so it’s NOT LIVE YOU LIARS! Shawn thanks everyone for the ride, and says that he doesn’t miss it, but misses the fans. Hopefully, we can all see each other very soon, and says good luck!
Later tonight, Cena takes on Otunga. Up next, Randy Orton will get great momentum going into TLC by defeating these two nobodies in Riley and Arquette… I mean… Will have a match.
<COMMERCIAL>
@FrankWWEClown The moment of the year HAS to be HBK/Taker. I was blessed to see it live, and I will never forget it. Brought tears to my eyes. #WWE
@TKeep123 Birth of AUSTIN 3:16 ….. still sends a chill down my spine.. Thank you Steve Austin! #WWE #RAW #BWF #Slammy
@seraphalexiel Shawn Michaels, you were like no other. I’m happy that you’re happy. Thank you for everything
I hear voices in my head…
Randy Orton vs. Alex Riley and David Arquette
Looks like Riley will start out with Orton, because he didn’t learn last week, and the two go to lock up, but Orton is obviously pissed, and he beats the hell out of Riley in the corner. He then Whips Riley, who counters it, and then Riley is smacked to the ground. Orton uppercuts him, then goes for the cover, but Riley kicks out at two. Riley is then hurled around the ring, but Orton runs right into Riley’s feet. Arquette gets tagged in and jumps on Orton, who looks at him like he’s an idiot, and then kicks him in the stomach. Orton starts pounding the mat, and wisely tags in Riley who looks at him like he’s an idiot, but Orton drops him in a back breaker. Orton then smashes his foot into Riley’s face. But, Riley moves when Orton goes to drop his knee in Riley’s face, but Orton still kicks out of the cover. Orton fights back against Riley, and then delivers a knee to Orton’s midsection as Orton goes to him. When the ref isn’t looking, Arquette has Orton in a headlock. Riley then walks into Orton’s fist, but then Riley runs into the clothesline. Orton then scoop slams Riley and jerks around, chucking Riley back to the mat. Riley gets up, Orton hits the RKO, and that’s all she wrote.
Randy Orton wins via pinfall.
After the match, Miz slams the Money in the Bank briefcase into Orton’s’ head, and Arquette is going to help him this time around. Like a dumbass. Miz gets the table set up, and gets Orton up. Punk pretends that he has no idea what Miz is going to do, and Miz and Arquette go to double suplex Orton into the table, but Orton counters and beats Miz down. He goes to power bomb Miz, but Arquette gets him out of it. Miz rolls out of the ring, and Arquette is left to take the power bomb through the table.
Coming up, John Cena takes on David Otunga.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 David Arquette….rocking Evel Kenevil ninja-style! #WWE #RAW #BWF #Slammy
@Niki_Sushi Tool of the Year award. Who would win? David Arquette or Michael Cole? #BWF #RAW
Cole comes out and says that 2010 had some great quotes. The Nominees for the And I Quote Line of the Year are from Santino, Cena, Edge… and so many others. My favorite is Cody’s “Don’t breathe on me”.
Seriously? Michael Cole. I think he’s lying. He pulls the ‘I wasn’t expecting this’ thing and pulls out a paper. The thanks the non-existent Cole Miners and The Miz, and the sound guys cut him off. Good. Anyway. Superstar of the Year awards is next.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog “Crack binge with Amy Winehouse” and “Of course you have an email you idiot, just read it.”
@HitTheRopes Wooo!!! @TitusNXT always makes it a win!
@seraphalexiel “Duct tape? Are you serious?”
@FrankWWEClown I’ll be accepting my award for “And I Quote of the Year” for….”I HATE YOU HEATH SLATER, I HATE YOU!!!” Tootin’ my own horn. 🙂 #WWE
Teddy Long is going to present the Superstar of the Year Slammy! The nominees are Edge, WWE Champion The Miz, World Heavyweight Champion Kane, John Cena, Rey Mysterio, and Randy Orton.
Cena comes out and thanks everyone for not giving up on him. He says that this award was our award to give away and he finds it amazing that we gave it to him because up to an hour ago he didn’t have a job. It’s been a crazy year: he was forced to join the Nexus (only good thing being that he could pee in Barrett’s coffee), he was fired (and got to tailgate with the WWE Universe), and there’s magic on Bourbon Street. Cena says that what happened to him was his own fault, but he is now back fulltime on RAW. He will continue to be a man of his word. He has gotten to each and every member of the Nexus except Otunga and Barrett. Tonight, when Otunga steps in the ring, he doesn’t care if he brings Hasky, McG, the dude from something (AXE MURDERER!) or the chick from Wendy’s, Otunga is getting hurt. Sunday at TLC, every ounce of frustration, misery, anger will be unleashed. This Sunday, at TLC, we have his word: Wade Barrett will be destroyed.
John Cena vs. David Otunga
Barrett takes the mic and says that before the match starts, he wants to remind Cena what happened earlier, what’s going to happen tonight, and what will happen on Sunday.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Nexus attacks Cena and Barrett attacks Cena with a chair.>
Otunga turns around and high fives Nexus, or forearm bump, or something, except Barrett. Otunga walks down to the ring. Fina-fuckin-lly.
And now, like last week with Barrett, the Nexus slowly walks out on Otunga.
Cena, however, wants to fight, so he forces Otunga into the ring and smacks Otunga Show-style., then again on the back. Cena knees Otunga in the stomach, and chucks Otunga to the mat. Cena Whips Otunga across the ring, then runs his shoulder into Otunga’s face. Cena throws Otunga into the corner, then Whips him back around the ring, and Otunga finally moves. Otunga wails on Cena, bouncing around like a ping pong ball, and then goes back to Cena. Otunga goes for the cover, but Cena kicks out. Otunga goes to lift Cena, but Cena drops him with a drop toe hold and locks in the STF. Otunga taps out.
John Cena wins via submission.
Cena grabs a chair as Barrett walks out with a chair again. Cena then proceeds to use that chair on Otunga. And again. And again. And again. Cena then drags Otunga to the middle of the ring, and then massacres Otunga with it. Barrett seems more amused than scared, Cena.
So, there’s the Slammys! I have an idea in mind for something for those of you who tweet for me every week, but I have to see if it’ll work out. Keep an eye on my Twitter, and on the BWF website, because I may post it there if I don’t wait until next week. Thanks a lot, and I’ll be back for you next week!
Welcome once again to the show that never ends, I’m so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside!
Yes folks, it is I, the patron saint of Bored Wrestling Fans around the world, ThinkSoJoE, back with another ThinkSoJoE’s thoughts. If you’re wondering about the title of this week’s article, “Ride it ’til the wheels fall off,” which you’ll recognize as a line from R-Truth’s “What’s Up,” I actually literally did just that to my car this week. Actually, I wasn’t in the car when it happened, and luckily the people who were borrowing my car at the time weren’t hurt. A lesson for those of you who, like myself, don’t know a damned thing about cars – if you must use a donut spare, it goes on the rear wheels of a front wheel drive vehicle. Nobody told me that, and three struts broke off of my car and the wheel fell off.
Anywho, NXT Season 4 started up this week. Nobody in the United States gives a crap because we don’t get it on television anymore, and I don’t know about any of you, but the web feed on WWE.com is extremely pixelated on my computer. Rumor going into last week’s announcement of this season’s rookie/pro combinations was that Michael Cole was initially slated to be a pro, but was nixed at the last minute. So here’s my take. Rather than have Cole start the season off as an NXT pro, he gets RKO’d on RAW the night before the season premiere. Cole will undoubtedly seek some kind of protection from future attacks, so have him interrupt an NXT broadcast (webcast?) and proclaim himself as a pro, have his rookie destroy one of the other rookies, and take their spot. Cole mentors the guy, and in exchange, the rookie watches over Cole on RAW. Sound good?
Ahem. CO-BRA, CO-BRA, CO-BRA! New WWE Tag Team Champions this week in Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov, with the major assist to John Cena, who distracted Justin Gabriel just long enough to allow Santino’s Cobra to strike.
Ah, John Cena. Looks like he’ll be fired for all of four weeks – you know that The Nexus isn’t going anywhere and that without Barrett, there’s nobody fit to lead the group, in my humble opinion. Look, factions don’t work well without their original leader, save for an HBK-less DX in the late 90s. Nexus without Barrett would be like The 4 Horsemen without Ric Flair, the nWo without either Hogan or Nash at the helm, or the Straight Edge Society without CM Punk. Besides, the t-shirts they just released last week feature Barrett’s picture right on them. He ain’t going anywhere.
I do love the Top Rope Nexus t-shirts that they were all wearing this week on RAW. Too bad they cost $40. BTW, if you’re looking for something to get me for Christmas, get me something for the benefit of those with flash photography.
Hmm. Edge got to pick the stipulation for his match with Kane at TLC and picked – wait for it… wait for it… – a TLC match! You’re kidding!
Jeff Hardy allegedly showed up in no condition to perform this past Sunday at TNA Final Resolution. Yet, he still managed to go out and wrestle. I didn’t see the match, but I’ve heard that Matt Morgan carried him through it. Good thing for TNA and Jeff Hardy that Matt Morgan does have a pretty good wrestling mind. Hardy was back in court earlier today, but I’ve heard no more info as of this time.
Hey, here’s some interesting legal news. The Tennessee Titans are planning to challenge WWE’s trademark of the word “Titantron.” Here’s the problem with that. WWE was using the word “Titantron,” and likely had the trademark, at least two years before the NFL franchise changed their name to the Titans. The team adopted the name in 1999, nearly 11 years ago, and are just now challenging this trademark. Good luck with that one.
Hey, here’s a random thought – if Jeff Hardy is supposed to be in court, isn’t that something that would prevent him from leaving the country and going somewhere like, say, Abu Dhabi? Ah well, I digress.
I guess that’s it for now. I’ll see you all again real soon!
Hello everyone, I’m here with a RAW Review Insert (because I don’t know what else to call it) to fill you in on what happened last night at the Amway Center, where I was in attendance!
First off, funny story, since I saw that ThinkSoJoE mentioned this last night: We thought it was the Amway Arena too. Turns out, the Amway Arena is closed. So we got to Orlando a ridiculous three hours before the tickets said to show up, and walked around the Amway Arena (and got a picture of a production truck), only to see that it was closed. We had two different sets of directions to go off of, so at least we knew where we were supposed to go. We got there and stood in line for an eternity. I saw someone dressed up as Hogan (who ended up up front, that bastard), and then someone dressed up as The Miz with his old ring gear, flame-decorated fedora and all. I couldn’t get a picture of him because he walked away too fast, but it did make standing in that damn line tolerable.
Minor Superstar Spoilers coming now.
Justin Roberts told us that we were starting out with a match. It was Goldust vs some guy whose name I can’t remember. Orlando LOVES Goldust, just to let you know. Cheered him on loud. It was pretty damn cool. He lost, unfortunately, but he’s… electric in person, to make a bad pun.
King and the new guy for Superstars came out. We all clapped and cheered a little for the new guy, but King got a standing ovation, and after he sat down, some Jerry chants. He laughed and waved. Pretty neat.
Next up was Santino (who got a HUMONGOUS pop) and Vladimir Kozlov (who also got a humongous pop, but Santino’s was bigger). I saw a couple Santino signs floating around, so that was cool. They were up against Ryder and Primo, who were the hated enemies. Pretty good match, and Santino is… crazier in person. Something I learned: Zack Ryder can’t seem to keep his trunks over the very bottom portion of his ass. I’m not sure you needed – or wanted – to know that, but there it is. Santino and Kozlov won after a Cobra, which we continuously called for. Made the night that much better.
Here is where Michael Cole came out, to a series of boos and cheers, and he pointed at one Cole-hating sign and laughed, then pointed at mine, mouthed the words, and laughed too. Apparently, he likes the whole heel-Cole thing. He’s good at it, and seemed to be a pretty decent guy. Justin Roberts told us here that they were going to do the pre-RAW sweep over of the crowd to get signs and what not, so that’s why Cole was there. Then, Cole moved for the new guy.
Usos and Henry were at it again for Superstars. Tamina joined the Usos, but we all seemed to hate them (I like the Usos, but I really wanted to cheer, so I just stuck with what was going on. Minor shame, but I had fun). Mark Henry won that one, painfully, by stacking the Usos on top of one another and then just slamming his whole body weight down on top of the both of them, and then hitting the one who had been on bottom with the World’s Strongest Slam. Night night.
Superstar spoilers over.
Then it was time for RAW!!! We did NOT want Barrett talking. Every time he started, we kept shutting him up. I had to stop at one point from booing him to laugh. I have no idea what he said, except he insulted us once, I think, and continued to look REALLY pissed off as we booed him. The SHUT UP COLE sign you saw behind Cole when he stood up to read the email was mine. J The same one he laughed at. It made me happy.
During this first commercial break, we were shown WWE commercials: Knucklehead, Wrestlemania, Wrestlemania Reading Challenge, Smackdown vs RAW 2011, a Legendary, and the History of the WWE Championship were all the commercials we saw. There was a Kiss Cam, and Josh Matthews did come out to show everyone signs. Those were the only unique things that happened during commercials. Otherwise, I just got to see more of the matches.
CM Punk came out to a HUGE pop here, which is a little surprising. We don’t care that he was a villain on Smackdown, because he provides witty commentary. Sheamus came out to a surprisingly huge pop, and there was a green sign behind Cole that had “IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING LOBSTER HEAD” on top, a white stick figure thing of Sheamus below that, and then “TOO MANY LIMES TOO MANY LIMES” on the bottom. If you saw it, that was me. If not, well… fine then. R-Truth came out to a huge pop too, and I was all confused by the What’s Up song, but I didn’t say anything. R-Truth has run his course with me. Got a bunch of good pictures of Sheamus, btw. His hair’s not as red in person, but he’s just as white. Pretty decent match, crowd was divided on who they were behind though. Oh, and when Sheamus hit the High Cross on Truth, he bounced really, really high. I was stuck giggling and missed the pin, but Sheamus won.
Since the announcers plugged it here, I bought the John Cena experience. Yeah. I did.
We all laughed at the backstage segments. LayCool was booed until Natalya came on, and she was cheered so loud that I missed what she said, but that’s alright. Randy was cheered so I missed his question, but that’s also alright. The crowd seemed excited for the Ezekiel Jackson vs The Miz match, but I was more.
When Alex Riley came out by himself, I wanted to punch him. I admit I laughed at Miz having an anxiety attack (and even harder this morning when I found out that @TKeep123 anticipated I may have kidnapped him… Not this time, Fred!!), but I cheered for Alex. Ezekiel is HUGE in person. I think the guy’s muscles have muscles have muscles. Good match though.
Random note now that I’m thinking about it: To whoever kept screaming at me to put my sign down, screw you honey. I don’t care that you can’t see. That’s what that GIANT screen at the top of the ramp is for. Dumbass.
HUGE pop for Cena. We continued to cheer for him throughout the entire time he was out there, and when he wanted us to do the “Let’s Go Cena” “Cena Sucks” thing, it was even louder in person. I think it echoed even after he stopped it. And @Niki_Sushi texted me practically jumping down my throat to find out what he said here, and he said that it may be bending the censors, but he was already fired, and told Barrett that karma was a bitch. We all cheered for possibly breaking the PG barrier. Cena chants followed him up the ring the entire time. He also mentioned that someone may be having a heart attack that he was going over his allotted time, but we still didn’t care. That actually made us cheer again.
Ted and Maryse came out during the commercial to a huge pop (at least from me). Maryse is SOO pretty in person, and Ted is gorgeous. Gonna say that now. Maryse walked around as Ted paced back and forth, we got another commercial (which screwed me up), and then Daniel Bryan came down with Bella Hoe #1, and got a huge pop from everyone (but me). Pretty good match, and Ted is brutal in person. The Bellas are almost pretty in person (I can’t stand them and they aren’t that pretty to me), and are kind of idiotic. They went to hold the ropes apart for Bryan, but held the bottom ropes, then started for the middle one, then went back to the bottom one. He kind of laughed at them and then went through the middle and top. Boy, they must’ve felt like morons.
Natalya came out to a huge pop, and I only got pictures of the back of her head. The woman is in constant motion. Alicia even got a bit of a pop, and her strut is… it made my hips hurt. Never done that on TV, but did in person. Someone, get her a doctor, please! We all made that, “Oooh, now you gonna get it” noise when she ripped out Natalya’s hair, and I would have died had Natalya retaliated by ripping Ailcia’s off. Good match though. Natalya’s a strong woman.
I have no idea what Melina and Morrison were talking about either. But GOD, Morrison is pretty in person. I think we were more excited about his pyrotechnics than him though, gonna be honest. Tyson got a pretty huge pop too. The Flying Chuck looked hella painful, and Morrison almost missed the ropes, when he jumped the corner there to hit it. Either way, good match.
Randy came out to a huge pop, and we were pissed when Nexus came out to jump him. I actually think that the whole Amway Center collectively gasped and tried to warn him at the same time. He limped backstage, then Barrett came back out and we booed. Then, of course, Randy came back out and we cheered. Great match, and only half of us were sitting. Cena came out and we lost our minds, then Randy hit the RKO and we did again. When Miz’s music hit, I was the only one who cheered, and everyone else booed. Half the arena joined me as Miz picked up momentum, but when he hit the Skull Crushing Finale, we all cheered, though I was louder. I was going to go home pissed if I didn’t see him (haha, no one thought that, I’m sure), but I did! And he won! And he looked like he was going to cry, and I felt so happy I thought I was gonna puke, and it was fantastic.
Look, here’s what I’m saying: If you ever have the chance to go, DO IT! Doesn’t matter where your seats are, just go. It was my first Live RAW, and I’m going to make it to whatever live show I can afford from now on. It was amazing. There was no dark main event match, but they sent me home more than happy.
Oh, and to the upset little girl whose face was shown after, Haha sweetie. Haha.
And a huge thank you to ThinkSoJoE for covering last night for me. You did a great job!! And steal all the images you want. 🙂 That’s what they’re there for.
Sorry about no RAW review last week. I originally planned to do it on Tuesday, but I completely forgot about a midterm, and real life caught up with me and bitch slapped be across the face. Anyway, there’s one gonna be up tonight, and that’s all that matters, right?
Tonight, John Cena will team up with WWE Champion Randy Orton against the men that got him into Nexus in the first place, Michael McGuillicutty and Husky Harris. How will Nexus feel about this?
RAW starts with Teddy Long, of all people, coming out. He says he’s here tonight because he can. Tonight, he’s going to take over RAW.
“Get out of my ring. Get out of my ring, now. You have no business being here.”
Teddy interrupts and says that Smackdown vs Raw this Sunday at Bragging Rights, and brings out the Bragging Rights trophy. Teddy says that the trophy belongs to Smackdown, and they laid the Smackdown on RAW last year.
“Get out of my ring, or else.”
Teddy says he’s not threatening him? He’ll show him, or else. Teddy climbs out of the ring and he starts arguing with Cole.
<YOU’VE GOT MAIL>
Teddy shoves the mic at Cole and goes up to the podium. He says that the Smackdown General Manager has an announcement to make. Right now, the RAW GM is going to be disconnected. He then introduces the Big Show and the rest of Team Smackdown. Edge, Alberto del Rio, Kofi Kingston, Jack Swagger, Tyler Reks, and Rey Mysterio.
AWESOME!
Turns out Team RAW wasn’t too happy about that, and Captain Miz comes out with a laughing Alex Riley. Miz says this is the team that’s supposed to take over RAW? It looks like Smurf Village next to a power plant. Miz reminds us that he was the sole RAW superstar to win at Bragging Rights last year, is the team captain this year, and will lead RAW over Team Smackdown. The trophy and the Bragging Rights that go with it, will go over to the A-Show. Miz then brings out the rest of Team RAW: CM Punk, John Morrison, Santino Marella, Ezekiel Jackson, and Sheamus. Miz then tells them to get out of their ring, or they’ll make them get out.
Team RAW starts walking down to the ring, and then the brawl starts in the ring between the two teams. While they’re all killing each other, I wanna say that it’s really cool to see Ezekiel Jackson back. Miz then grabs his team and exits the ring, saving that they need to save it for Sunday. Show takes a mic and says, don’t go back there and start a ruckus. He gets it, it’s his ring. Smackdown will get out of the ring, willingly, if Miz will face Show one-on-one in a Captain vs Captain match. Miz agrees to it.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: The Miz becomes captain of Bragging Rights after defeating John Cena in a No DQ match. Husky Harris and Michael McGuillicutty interfere, costing Cena the match. Cena attacks them, Barrett interferes, and Cena almost hits him. More Barrett-Cena heat. The company makes Cena look like he’s losing his damn mind. Barrett calls Cena a coward, pathetic, and a disgrace. Barrett then says until next week, “You Can’t See Me.”>
Still to come, WWE Champion Randy Orton and John Cena take on Husky Harris and Michael McGuillicutty.
<COMMERCIAL>
@legendkiller515 will someone please smack the hell outta cole #wwe #raw #bwf
@CawCawBang Go away Cole you ugly troll
@Lunna1969: Smurfette! Lmao! W2g Miz #RAW #WWE
We come back to the Tag Team Champions standing in the ring.
WWE Tag Team Champions Drew McIntyre and “Dashing” Cody Rhodes vs The Hart Dynasty with Natalya
Rhodes and Kidd start out, Kidd going for McIntyre before Rhodes plants him and gets the advantage. Rhodes tags in McIntyre, who dominates Kidd. McIntyre plants Kidd’s face into the barrier before getting him back in the ring and tagging in Rhodes. McIntyre drops Kidd onto the ropes and holds him there for Rhodes to kick him in the ribs. Rhodes then tags back in McIntyre and they throw Kidd into the turnbuckle. Kidd manages to tag in Smith, who hits a drop kick on McIntyre and gets the momentum back on their side. He then hits two big kicks on Rhodes and McIntyre. He goes for a cover on McIntyre, but he kicks out at two. Smith hits a running power slam and goes for a cover, but Rhodes breaks it up. Rhodes goes to attack Smith, but Kidd attacks him. They set up for the Hart Attack, but Smith decides to attempt a Sharpshooter last minute. Smith gets distracted by Kidd and McIntyre hits the Future Shock DDT for the win.
WWE Tag Team Champions Drew McIntyre and Dashing Cody Rhodes win via pinfall.
Natalya proceeds to yell at David Hart Smith about how they’re a team.
Backstage, Cena’s thoughtful and Randy Orton walks up. He says that they should lay all the cards on the table. He can tell that Cena being a part of Nexus is eating him up, but he doesn’t think that it would stop him from helping Barrett take the WWE Championship away from him. So, if Cena helps, Orton won’t have any problem punting him in the skull. Cena says that if he even tries, Cena will break that leg off.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog We need Bret to fix these… broken Harts. YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
@HitTheRopes Look, Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre are offering their 2 cents…. Get it? 2 cents. (tag titles look like 2 pennies) #rimshot #wwe
<VIDEO PACKAGE: R-Truth’s new theme song. I’m still not sure these lyrics are PG-13.>
Goldust with Aksana vs. Zack Ryder
Damn. I hate that they won’t play Ryder’s theme song. I jam out to it when they play it. Anyway.
Ted DiBiase and Maryse make their way out to the stage to watch the match as Ryder gets an early advantage over Goldust, which Goldust gets back by slapping Zack in the face. Goldust hits the final cut, and the match is over.
Goldust wins via pinfall.
Ted DiBiase makes his way to the ring and attacks Goldust from behind. Maryse went to grab the Million Dollar Belt, but Aksana got it. Maryse then chases Maryse out of the ring to try to get the belt back. Goldust gets up in the ring and hits the Final Cut on DiBiase too. I admit, I’m loving the weird Goldust’s return.
Still to come, Smackdown vs RAW starts early as the Big Show takes on The Miz.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog I kinda wish they would’ve done that video like those old Disney sing-a-longs with a bouncing R-Truth thread.
@WWEsAngel_Nef Bwahahahahahahahaha <—-My reaction to R-Truth’s video package. #WWE
@HitTheRopes Maryse and Aksana face to face. It’s as if Maryse was looking in a mirror…. a mirror that is worn, dusty, and doesn’t show sexy #wwe
Barrett is standing with Nexus and Cena walks in. Barrett says that he wants Cena to test Harris and McGuillicutty, to see if they’re good enough to join the Nexus. Cena said that Barrett just told him to go out there and give it everything he’s got, and those are his orders? He asks what the catch is, and Barrett says that there’s no catch: tonight he has the opportunity to show the WWE Universe the Cena they know and love, then orders him to get him a glass of water.
The kid from Role Models and the new Knucklehead movie, Bobbie Thompson, is playing Smackdown vs RAW with Show vs Miz, and Show wins. Miz then picks him up and to tell him that Miz has a surprise for him. Show then takes Bobbie, and puts him down. Bobbie then says that Show has to knock Miz out for him.
Cena comes back with a glass of water and hands it to Barrett, who says it wasn’t difficult. Barrett wants Cena to know that he’s really enjoying it, then splashes the water in Cena’s face.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog Miz is assaulting children now? #favoritewrestlerever
@FrankWWEClown Heath Slater, stop smirking, you little creep. #WWE #RAW
@CawCawBang When did little chris rock come in?
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Harris and McGuillicutty cost Cena the Team RAW Captain match.>
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRR WATER BOY!
John Cena and WWE Champion Randy Orton vs Michael McGuillicutty and Husky Harris
Is it just me, or does Husky look like a pedobear remake? Hmm…
Nexus come up to the stage to watch the match. Cena and McGuillicutty start, and Cena starts unleashing on McGuillicutty. Cena hurls McGuillicutty around the ring before throwing McGuillicutty after a vicious looking fisherman suplex.
<COMMERCIAL>
@redsandman99 I think it should be illegal for Husky Harris to not wear a shirt
@kickoutblog Should be interesting to see what Husky & Imperfect can do when they don’t have to carry a keg.
Now Randy and McGuillicutty are in the ring, and McGuillicutty kicks out of a cover as Orton tags in Cena. Cena hits McGuillicutty, then goes to take Harris off the apron, then running into a dropkick. Harris gets his chance at retribution and beats up on Cena in the corner. Harris goes for a cover, and Cena kicks out. Harris tags in McGuillicutty who beats up on Cena and goes for a cover, only for Cena to kick out. Harris tags himself in and seems to get stuck for a minute between the ropes, throwing himself into Cena’s face. He goes for a cover, and Cena kicks out. Harris has Cena in the middle of the ring in a headlock, but Cena fights to his feet before Harris puts his knee in Cena’s spine. Cena’s flat on the ring floor, but rolls out of the way before Harris squishes him flatter than a pancake hits him. Orton gets in the ring with McGuillicutty and hits a scoop slam. McGuillicutty rolled out to the apron, hoping it would save him, and Orton pulls him between the top and middle rope before hitting the DDT. He points to Barrett, getting ready for the RKO, pushing Harris into Cena for an Attitude Adjustment. Orton then hits the RKO on McGuillicutty and pins him for the win.
WWE Champion Randy Orton and John Cena win via pinfall.
Cena seems content that he, for once, was able to fight in his own way and won, again. He offers Orton a hand, but Barrett tells him to hold it right there, and tells him not to shake Orton’s hand, and then tells him to get out of the ring, and it’s an order. Cena looks at Orton for a minute, then climbs out of the ring. Barrett says that Cena has the best spot in the house to witness the demise of the Viper, as Nexus surrounds the ring. Orton looks at Cena and then hits Barrett before throwing Slater out of the ring and then is ambushed by Nexus outside the ring. Nexus gets Orton back in the ring, but Orton manages to fight back for a minute before getting overwhelmed again. The crowd is cheering for Cena, but he hasn’t moved. Slater hits his finisher, for the first time since NXT, then Otunga does, then Gabriel. Barrett tells Cena to get in the ring, and Cena does so. Barrett says that he wants Cena to give Orton an Attitude Adjustment, and Cena says that that’s enough. Barrett says do it, or Cena’s fired. Cena gets Randy up to his feet, then on his shoulders. Barrett then tells Cena to give Randy to him. Barrett then hits the Wasteland on Orton. Cena walks out of the ring and starts walking up the ramp, shaking his head.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog Even better joke: Husky Harris is only heavier because he’s being weighed on the metric system. #Canada
@HitTheRopes Slater and Otunga need to go back to the lab and come up with a better finishing move. #wwe
Vickie comes out, just when everyone thought that it couldn’t get worse, but guess what! This is RAW!! Vickie says that she is happy to take credit for the Smackdown superstars appearing on RAW tonight, and there is one special superstar who has a special twinkle in his eyes, because his eyes are only on her: The Intercontinental Champion, Dolph Ziggler.
Dolph says that people confuse his cockiness when it’s really just confidence. He can’t blame them, he’s got it all: The looks, the shredded physique, gorgeous head of hair, and that’s not the best part. The most beautiful, intelligent woman on the face of this earth is with him. She’s the ray of sunshine when his skies are gray, she makes his heart go pitter-patter—
Daniel Bryan interrupts and says that he may not be a lady’s man (to which Dolph replies with, “I noticed”), and says that even he could do better than Vickie. Bryan says that he doesn’t have the movie star looks, peroxide infested hair, but he does have the ability to capitalize on any mistake in that ring, and the ability to make Dolph tap out. So, he proposes the United States Champion vs the Intercontinental Champion at Bragging Rights. Vickie seems to be encouraging this. Dolph says that he accepts, but why wait until Sunday? Why don’t they do this right- and then slaps Bryan. Dolph then steps behind Vickie, who steps in front of Dolph. Bryan then side-steps Vickie and tackles Dolph, preventing him from leaving. Bryan then locks in the LaBell Lock, making Dolph tap. Then, the Divas randomly come out and make their way into the ring with Vickie. The Divas surround Vickie and tell her to leave the ring. Gail throws a bucket of glitter at her, then Eve pours it on her. The Divas then seem to be paying way too much attention to Daniel, and they all start to dance with him… and it’s painful.
Anyway, hopefully Captain vs Captain can save RAW… because my head is already spinning.
<COMMERCIAL>
@bethsharae Oh no! Not glitter!!! #WWE #Raw I guess I should scream all the time at crafts time.
@TKeep123 How can Dolph say this crap with a straight face? (Better check the Wellness policy again!) #WWE #RAW #BWF
@kickoutblog Vickie Guerrero is amazing, why does she need that many zippers? Because fuck you, that’s why!
@Niki_Sushi I don’t know which is more obnoxious – ‘EXCUSE ME!’ or ‘AND I QUOTE!’… #BWF #RAW
@HitTheRopes: Oh, @WWEDanielBryan, in wrestling you might be best in the world…. at dancing, not so much. LOL
Natalya vs Alicia Fox
Let’s see how short this match is! I’m going to time it!
Alicia slaps Nat a few good times and then tries to shout out to Calgary. Natalya then throws Alicia into the turnbuckle, twice, and then throws her across the ring. Nat tries to go for the Sharpshooter, but Alicia grabs the ropes. Natalya pulls her back, and locks in the Sharpshooter, making Alicia tap.
Natalya wins via submission.
LayCool interferes and says it’s a beautiful moment in a NOT beautiful hometown. LayCool says they would love Canada, but it’s so cold and they have watered down beer, and they say ‘eh’ all the time. And they see Harts everywhere. They say the Harts don’t belong in the Hall of Fame, but in the loony bin. LayCool then starts to go into the ring, but Natalya’s ready. Nat gets Layla, but Michelle comes in. Michelle then puts Natalya in the Sharpshooter, Layla takes a picture, and Natalya counters. Lay tries to help Michelle, and nearly gets put in the Sharpshooter herself. LayCool runs off.
Oh, overall Diva MATCH time, about a minute and fifteen seconds.
<VIDEO PACAKGE: CM Punk debuts on RAW again and Evan Bourne is out due to injury.>
Teddy, Show, and Hornswoggle are talking backstage, and Josh Matthews says that it’s rather brazen of them to show up on RAW with Team Smackdown. Hornswoggle grabs a Team Smackdown flag and the entire Smackdown Roster starts heading out.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog If I were The Undertaker and had to listen Michelle McCool talk all the time, I’d want to be buried alive too
@CawCawBang Nattie don’t play along with Laycool’s bullshit
@bethsharae Alicia is gonna throw a hip out if she swings them any harder. #WWE #Raw
@WWEsAngel_Nef God I hate Alicia Fox’s walk. I can’t stand it. She’s gonna break a freaking hip. #WWE
So, the longest part of this show is the Stand Up For WWE video package. So… Yeah.
Oh, we’re back. Cena’s walking away and Barrett stops him, saying he’s not finished with him or Orton yet. There we go. Next up, Team RAW’s captain The Miz will take on Team Smackdown’s captain, The Big Show… and all of Smackdown?
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi So.. I’m loving this video. Because it’s showing where the WWE goes, and not just on land and the airwaves. They reach hearts-who else does?
@CawCawBang I’m so happy and proud to be a WWE fan
@kickoutblog And “Do you smell what Barack is cookin?” is still amazing. #TheRockObama
@WWEsAngel_Nef LOL God Vince McMahon is good at what he does. Way to do some quick damage control. Nice video package. #WWE
We’re finally going to introduce the guest star, Bobbie J Thompson. Sweet. He says he loves the boos and to keep them coming. He says that he’s there to introduce the man who’s going to leave Team Smackdown to a victory over Team RAW: The Big Show. No, but seriously. Where’s the muzzle on that kid?
Show comes out with Hornswoggle behind him, waving the flag, and Team Smackdown follows him out. Actually, all of Smackdown follows him out.
Miz comes out, but tells Alex Riley to stay behind and walks down to the ring alone. He pauses though, grinning and motioning for everyone else to come out. Team RAW comes out, followed by the RAW roster.
The Big Show vs The Miz
Show closes in on Miz, rips his shirt, and slaps his chest. Show continues to rip up the RAW shirt and slaps his chest again. Show then Irish Whips Miz into a corner, and Show throws him out of the ring. Smackdown closes in, and RAW starts to close in too. Show attacks RAW, and when Smackdown comes in, Show rolls in the ring.
Teddy Long comes out and says that since Bragging Rights is only six days away and everyone from both rosters is out there, he says that they have themselves a Smackdown vs RAW battle royal, and they’re going to do it right now.
Now, I hate reviewing battle royals. So, I hope you watched RAW to figure out what happens, because I’m only going to tell you the winner.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 Ok, I’m old, but the Red and Blue is reminding me of “Rock’em Sock’em Robots!” #WWE #RAW #BWF
Hornswoggle beats Cole up and takes his spot as an announcer, and no one knows what the fuck is going on in the ring. I can’t tell you what’s going on, but Swagger loses his mind and puts Edge in an ankle lock. Toward the end here, a bunch of RAW guys got eliminated and Smackdown is doing a good job holding their own. The last Smackdown guy ends up as The Big Show against Sheamus, Bryan, Jackson, and Miz. Down goes Bryan, then Jackson. Miz and Sheamus work together to get Show over the top rope, and no one remembered Edge wasn’t technically eliminated. So, Edge and Show are the only two left in the ring.
Team Smackdown wins.
Nexus is watching backstage, and Barrett says that all of them, and Cena, are going to witness what’s going to happen Sunday when he’s crowned WWE Champion. Barrett tells Cena to raise his hand as a token of victory. Cena shoves Slater and Gabriel out of the way and raises Barrett’s hand before walking away.
And that’s all she wrote, folks. Daniel Bryan dancing is burned behind my retina, so I’m going to go watch… something to get the image out of my head. Good night.
Last night was Hell in a Cell! Did John Cena join Nexus? Is Randy Orton still the WWE Champion? Was Daniel Bryan brutally mu-… I’ll leave that one to myself. Find out tonight, as Jackass star, Johnny Knoxville guest stars what is sure to be another amazing Monday Night RAW!
Nexus comes out and talks about their victory at Hell in a Cell. Barrett says the two men who helped were Husky Harris and Michael McGuillicutty, which didn’t surprise anyone. Barrett says he doesn’t know them and they aren’t a part of the Nexus. Barrett then scolds Nexus for going down to the ring and potentially causing him his match. Tonight’s about inducting Cena into Nexus. Please welcome, the newest member of Nexus, John Cena.
He comes out with no music, which is just heartbreaking, to be honest. I’m upset. I wanted to make a joke.
Tarver says the joke is on Cena, because he failed. They have a gift for Cena: The Nexus armband. Cena looks at the arm band and puts it on. Slater says they know the transition’s going to be difficult, but they’re all there for him. The public wants to know exactly what his thoughts are. He says that he will read the official statement they made instead of saying what he wants to. Barrett says it’s not negotiable, and he’ll read it and read it now.
It essentially says that he acknowledges that he’s a member of Nexus, and an enemy of Nexus is an enemy of his. Barrett says that Cena has to participate in a tag match with a partner of his choice against Evan Bourne and Mark Henry. Cena picks Tarver.
Mark Henry and Evan Bourne vs. John Cena and Michael Tarver
Cena starts off the match with an offer to shake Bourne’s hand, and they do. Tarver’s pissed about it, but Cena doesn’t look like he cares. Cena then tags in Tarver and climbs out.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar HEY! Where’s your Nexus Shirt Cena?! There’s a dress code damn it! Put it on!
@seraphalexiel I hope both men don’t suddenly get to join. The end of Season 2 was a failure for a reason, and it begins and ends with McGuillicutty
@Niki_Sushi Awwww. His own wittle armband. Are they slowly going to give him different parts to the ‘uniform’ or what? #BWF #RAW
@HitTheRopes Geez, Cena sure likes to pick on the black Nexus guys. Wasn’t content with getting rid of your brother, now he’s going for Tarver. LOL #wwe
@CawCawBang Cena got something planned I don’t like it
@TKeep123 I wonder if Cena gave any secret signals while he was forced to read his (confession) speech. (Viet Nam era folks will get it.) #WWE #RAW
We come back to Tarver getting his ass handed to him by Henry. Cena really doesn’t seem interested in helping Tarver at all, to be honest, even mockingly reaching for a tag. Tarver manages to get toward Cena for a tag, but Cena leans away, and Henry seems amused by it, toying with Tarver. Tarver goes to tag Cena again, but Cena jumps down off the ring and begins signing signs in the crowd. Henry picks up Tarver and hits him with the World’s Strongest Slam.
Mark Henry and Evan Bourne win via pinfall.
Cena takes a mic after the match and says that he’s gonna make his own statement. As the newest member of Nexus, he plans on doing one thing and one thing only: destroying it from within. Like no one expected that. Tonight, he proves that you can be Nexus and against us. He hits Tarver in the head with the mic, and then body slams Tarver onto the steel steps. Twice. Then he gets Tarver back in the ring and locks in the STF.
“The terms of the stipulation for your match with Wade Barrett stated that if you lost, you must join the Nexus. Now, Nexus is clearly a group that takes direction from its leader, Wade Barrett. And thus as a member of the group, John, you must also take direction from Wade Barrett. If you don’t, as much as I would hate to do it, as much as it would be bad for business, as much as the WWE Universe would despise it, I would have no alternative but to terminate your WWE contract. Mr. Cena, no one man, despite his popularity, is bigger than WWE. In other words, Mr. Cena, I will fire you.”
<COMMERCIAL>
@FrankWWEClown And who says Cena is boring, and not interesting? Are you watching this?! #WWE #RAW
@KeepItFiveStar Cena’s looking at this all wrong. The Nexus have a great benefits package. Family picnics, BBQs, and other fun Nexus activities.
@HitTheRopes We CLEARLY see Michael Cole reading from a paper and NOT the computer screen. #fail #wwe
@TKeep123 For months we can’t keep #NEXUS away from the ring, and now Tarver gets a beat-down and NO NEXUS to be found? #WWE #RAW
@Niki_Sushi Tarver is in Soul Sucking Position! YOU BETTA HIDE YO KIDS, HIDE YO WIFE! #BWF #RAW
@WWEsAngel_Nef Okay. Say what you want marks but John Cena has the best fans. So devoted. I actually love that they chanted ‘Never Give Up’ #WWE
Alicia Fox vs Natalya
No warning on this one at all, but good to see Natalya in the ring. Natalya hits the sharpshooter pretty quick, and Alicia taps. Great 30 second match.
Natalya wins via submission.
WTF? 30 second match, 30 second reminder of the guest star, Johnny Knoxville, and now five minutes of commercials.
<COMMERCIAL>
@RingsideRants That wasn’t even long enough for a bathroom break!
@CawCawBang wow that was quick
@kickoutblog My thoughts on Natalya vs. Alicia are longer than the actual match
@redsandman99 The good news is, Nattie won. The bad news is, the match was over in five seconds
@JoeyStyles What a match for Nattie…and I thought I finished fast.
Knoxville is talking with Gail and Melina, promoting Jackass 3D. Zack Ryder comes up, and Knox calls him a tool. He offers Ryder a high-five, only for him to get the shit smacked out of him by a giant hand. Knox mocks him a little.
Cena’s backstage with the Nexus armband again, and Josh Matthews comes up, asking what he’s gonna do. Cena says he doesn’t know. Cena suddenly takes off running after Husky and McGuillicutty, and Barrett says that there’s a lot he needs to talk about, concerning his future.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 FIRST time I was ever happy to see Zack Ryder during a Promo! “You know it!”…. #WWE #RAW #BWF
@Niki_Sushi Johnny Knoxville just wtfpwn’d Zack Ryder without even getting in the ring. I DEMAND WEE-MAN VS HORNSWOGGLE DAMMIT!!!! #BWF #RAW
@legendkiller515 damn zach ryder got his ass kicked and he aint even in a match #wwe #bwf #raw
Daniel Bryan is in the ring with his crazy ass music. God, I wanna punch him.
It’s a shameful thing, lobster head! … Too many limes, too many limes!
United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus
Sheamus beat the shit out of Bryan. Not even kidding.
United States Champion Daniel Bryan wins via disqualification.
I think. Sheamus hits the High Cross on Daniel after beating the hell out of him. Sheamus climbs out of the ring and starts back up the ring. Dear, God. Was RAW booking only Nexus and Cena tonight? This is ridiculous.
Anyway, Edge makes his way to the ring to supposedly apologize to the computer.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Oh. Damn. Forgot this fruit existed. Daniel Bryan, go awa-nevermind. GO SHEAMUS GO! #BWF #RAW
@kickoutblog Oh God, it’s the battle of wrestlers who don’t tan!
@KeepItFiveStar Did Daniel Bryan fail a Wellness test or something? Did he piss the Vegan police off? That was weird.
@Niki_Sushi OMFG! Who put a wrestling match in my commercials?! #BWF #RAW
@KeepItFiveStar “And THAT’s for fulfilling your indy dates while under contract!” – Sheamus after destroying Daniel Bryan
And a Video Package of what we just saw, like fifteen seconds ago. Jesus Christ, RAW. I get that Cena joining Nexus is a big deal, but there are other Superstars…
Oh, God, Michael Cole’s in the ring. He’s now going to speak for the General Manager. I guess Stephen Hawking got pissed at the WWE for using his voice. Supposedly, it’s because of the events of the last few weeks, and will now communicate via email. So, the GM hates us all, is what I’m getting.
Awesome.
Before Edge comes out, the GM wants us to see the hilarious, I’m sorry, horrific events of last week.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Edge WTFPWNS the GM.>
The destruction of the GM last week was unacceptable. Two things are going to happen: Edge is “going to apologize”, and the GM will make a huge announcement regarding the WWE Championship.
You think you know me…
Edge, of course, says he won’t apologize. He’s on a personal crusade against all things stupid, and around here, there are a lot of things that are stupid. Michael Cole has been the personification of stupid since 1997. He’d rather listen to a recording of JR than a live Michael Cole. And if the GM thinks he has attitude, then when Edge becomes WWE Champion, then he’ll see attitude. The GM says that tonight they will decide the Number One Contender for the WWE Championship in a 20-Man Over the Top Rope Battle Royale. Don’t expect me to keep up with that. The winner will face Randy Orton at Bragging Rights. Edge, however, has disrespected the GM one too many times, and won’t be in the battle royal tonight, because the GM has officially traded him to Smackdown.
Edge says it’s the greatest night of his career, because he now doesn’t have to listen to a computer, or this tool say, “And I Quote.” Cole flips out, and everyone boos him. Yeah, good job Cole. Cole says that now that he’s the official voice of the WWE, Edge needs to treat him with respect. Edge asks if he went off RAW after spearing Cole into next week would be respectful.
AWESOME
The Miz and Alex Riley make their way down to the ring. Miz says that Edge will do no such thing. Cole is a visionary, the one person that realized Miz’ awesomeness before anyone else. Cole leaves the ring, tripping. Miz tells him to go back to the announce table. Edge calls Miz an Edge-wannabe. Edge then goes through the checklist of Edge. Miz says that that was an interesting analysis, but they’re nothing alike. Edge says that he’s right, because Edge has been WWE Champion, and has been married, divorced, had a live celebration. He hasn’t even seen Miz talk to a woman, unless you count Alex Riley. Riley says that whether Edge likes it or not, Miz is the future of the WWE. Edge says that Miz is awesome at tapping out to Daniel Bryan.
Miz says that if Edge is trying to agitate Miz, it’s not working. Miz is either going to be competing in a WWE Championship match, or leading RAW into decimating Smackdown. So, why doesn’t Edge go to SyFy and tell all his new Smackdown buddies that he’s the Miz and he’s awesome.
Edge then attacks Miz and Alex Riley, Spearing Alex Riley, only to get a Skull Crushing Finale from Miz.
Cena backstage with Nexus, and Barrett says that Cena did him a favor in attacking Tarver. He wants Cena to help him with tonight’s battle royal. Cena asks what happens if he wins, and Barrett says that he’s ordering Cena to help him win. Otunga sticks his foot in his mouth and gets berated for it, and then tells Cena to either do as he’s told or get fired.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 Michael Cole has to stand on a box to be seen? #WWE #RAW #BWF
@seraphalexiel Fool. Hide yo paper, at least.
@TKeep123 “I’d rather listen to a recording of JR than a live Michael Cole!” – Edge #WWE #RAW #BWF
@Niki_Sushi That’s….. three or four laptops now? I seriously hope that’s included in the budget… I don’t think Nextel makes laptops. #BWF #RAW
@HitTheRopes Hey Otunga, know your role and shut your mouth. #wwe
@bethsharae I love Edge’s crusade. I shall join him. I now destroy all things stupid. #Raw #WWE
Oh, fuck me running… It’s the Bellas.
Nikki and Brie Bella vs. The Unified Divas Champions LayCool
Jesus Christ, someone put a mic on LayCool. My head hurts bad enough right now… I have no idea what the fuck is going on, okay? I don’t even care anymore. Oh, and there goes the Switcheroo again. Someone kill me. Seriously.
Nikki and Brie Bella win via the same old shit… er, pinfall.
Maryse is backstage, talking to Knox. He says that he doesn’t speak Spanish, and she accuses him of sending the messages. Ted then walks up and accuses him too, and Ted walks right into the huge hand. Maryse throws her shoes at Knox, and then Maryse is hit by the hand and lands right on top of Ted. Knox is apologizing repeatedly, and then runs away from a very pissed looking Ted.
<COMEMRCIAL>
@StrikerSays Are you serious. You just put the BELLAS over your champion. What is this fuckery.
@KeepItFiveStar This match is already longer than Natalya vs Alicia Fox
@ThingsColeSays They have found a way to make LayCool ever more annoying. Well done.
@inkincisions WHAT IS UP WITH DIVAS AND THROWING SHOES ?!?!?!?!?!
@divadirt LMAO! Maryse continues the shoe-throwing trend only to get hit by a giant hand. There’s a very un-PG joke in there somewhere. #WWE
@legendkiller515 that big ass hand is funny #wwe #raw #bwf
<VIDEO PACKAGE: R-Truth and Eve Torres defeat Maryse and Ted DiBiase two weeks ago; the secret admirer messages start.>
Please welcome the guest star of RAW, Johnny Knoxville. Oh, Jackass 3D is in theaters October 15th. Yes, let’s put Knoxville in the ring. Because that went so well last time.
Knoxville’s talking really fast, is obviously freaked out by DiBiase coming after him, and tries to leave before he does. Too bad, because he’s here…
Knox says that he was just trying to make Maryse laugh, like Ted does… And proceeds to make a fool out of himself. Then smacks the taste out of Knox’s mouth. Then, it looks like he’s trying for Dreamstreet, but Knox just lays there like a limp noodle. Another message comes over the tron: You are mine. Goldust attacks DiBiase, and Maryse just stands there.
Goldust then tells DiBiase he doesn’t want him, obviously, and walks over to Maryse, who seems to be trying hard not to laugh. He does, however, say that he doesn’t want Maryse. What he wants, is the Million Dollar Belt. Only Goldust would send love notes to a belt. Seriously.
Next up: The 20 Man Over the Top Rope Battle Royal.
Here are all the guys I think I saw. I’ll fix it as I can:
John Cena, Mark Henry, Evan Bourne, Mr. Money in the Bank The Miz, William Regal, David Otunga, Wade Barrett, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, and Zack Ryder. That’s all I managed to catch, but I’ll do the best I can.
<COMMERCIAL>
@HitTheRopes It’s amazing how great Raw started and where we are now. #wwe
@kickoutblog OMG IT IS GOLDUST! HE WANTS THE MILLION DOLLAR TITLE!
@ThingsColeSays Hey Johnny, there’s a new joke going around have you heard it? What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAPPPPPPPPPP!
@StrikerSays So happy for the return of BIZARRE Goldie. He had dialed down to just “odd.”
<VIDEO PACKAGE: WWE Superstars and Make A Wish.>
King and Cole remind us that a shitload of stuff has happened… if you’ve been watching, you know. If not, scroll up. I’m tired of repeating the same shit.
And Cena’s backstage, brooding over the arm band. Otunga walks up and says that he knows he’s upset. He wants to tell Cena that Nexus isn’t all bad. Barrett is a bit demanding sometimes, but deep down, they can make it work. Cena may feel like this is the end, but it’s not. If Cena ever needs to talk, Otunga’s there for him. Just let him know.
Cole opens his mouth and reminds us of what we’ve already seen. It’s okay, Cole. I have the memory of a goldfish. Thanks a bunch, man.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Randy Orton punts Chris Jericho last week.>
Twenty Man Over the Top Rope Battle Royal
Fuck keeping up with this, so here’s who in the damn match. I’ll just tell you who wins, because it’s easier.
Participants: John Morrison, R-Truth, Santino Marella, Vladimir Kozlov, Sheamus, John Cena, Wade Barrett, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, David Otunga, Zack Ryder, William Regal, Evan Bourne, Mark Henry, The Miz, Ted DiBiase, David Hart Smith, Tyson Kidd, Darren Young, and Primo.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar CENA! WHERE’S YOUR SHIRT! You had time!
@bethsharae …. Truth doesn’t get to sing anymore?! HELL YES!!! #Raw #WWE
@HitTheRopes Otunga, don’t you pay attention!? Darren Young, Michael Tarver. What do they AND you have in common? Stay far from Cena. LOLZ #wwe
@legendkiller515 once again no one understands what the hell r-truth is saying in his damn songs #wwe #raw #bwf
Found all the damn contestants. I don’t know what’s going on… Don’t make me figure it all out. Cena eliminated Otunga, and now Barrett yells at him for it. Nexus just argues in the middle of the ring, and no one is aware of it, apparently. God, idiocy.
<COMEMRCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Why is Mark Henry asking why? Did he not see the first 10 minutes of the show?
@HitTheRopes I always wish for something unexpected like Santino to win something like this. #wwe
@kickoutblog Why the hell is Darren Young in this match?
@Niki_Sushi I look up to see Nexus, and totally went ‘GO GO POWER RANGERS!!!’ #BWF #RAW
@legendkiller515 this is the oddest collection of #raw superstars for a battle royal ive ever seen. most of them dont belong in this match #wwe #bwf
I don’t’ know what I’m supposed to say. The outcome was obvious.
Wade Barrett wins.
But, cutting his victory celebration short is none other than the WWE Champion, Randy Orton, who makes his way right up to the ring and right inside, like Barrett ain’t nothing. Which, he probably isn’t. Insert epic staredown, Randy holding up the title, and thus, RAW ends.
Proud of myself for getting this finished for you all tonight, even with a headache and some weird ass dizziness. Anyway, until next week!
