TNA Impact; 6/02/14 This Just Keeps Getting Better
Leave a CommentDid you know I’ve been here for seven months now? It feel like it’s been seven years since I started reviewing TNA.
Did you know I’ve been here for seven months now? It feel like it’s been seven years since I started reviewing TNA.
Tonight’s Impact was dedicated to the memory of Mae Young. She’s tapping out Jesus now while the crowd still chants for Savage, who’s in the main event with Eddie Guerrero.
Spud is in the ring to start us off and introduced Dixie Carter. Spud sat on the rope to pull it down for Dixie and she kicked him in the butt. She don’t need no one holding the ropes down for her. It was a nice little touch. Dixie basically threatened the locker room and brought up last week. Dixie thanks God the AJ story is over and says it’s a new beginning. Hence the name Genesis. She introduced Magnus after that as the crowd chants for AJ. I hope he’s not done. I don’t remember the last time he was so over.
Magnus comes out with both belts and handed one to Dixie after calling her a champion of the people. Dixie/Rock at WM31. Dixie introduced the heels who helped out last week to thank them. Dixie gave Spud the title to hold and I marked out. Dixie thanks all the heels and said they’ll be getting a bigger paycheck. Tonight is the Genesis of Dixie Carter’s TNA, but to do that they have to stick together. EC3 is going to have to take out Sting. After that she brought EC3. Each week suicide is harder to hold off. Before EC3 can even speak the lights go out and Sting’s music hits. Sting’s in the crowd and he points a bat at the ring. The segment ended. I avoided committing suicide after all.
Or perhaps not as when we came back from commercial, Sting’s music is still playing. He said he hopes that the pay off was worth it and said the people who didn’t sell out have honour, and Dixie can’t comprehend that. He threatened Dixie and Shield’d his way to the ring. Shield is a verb now. He cuts a promo on Magnus and says that TNA is a house divided that cannot stand. “We” are gonna fight tonight. The faces appeared on the ramp and Sting says tonight they’re taking back what’s theirs and a locker room sized brawl breaks out. I want to say their roster is small but it’s about the right size really. No one is squandered or disappearing every few weeks besides Kenny King and TJ Perkins. Sting is left in the ring with EC3 and hits him with the bat as they go to break. Again. When they come back all the heels are on the ramp and Joe has the mic. What fabulous directing.
Even before meeting Sister Abigail, Bray was a weird dude.
This segnment insists on continuing as Joe says they’re not leaving until they get into a fight. Spud makes a six on six tag match playa that’s gonna start right now.
Faces vs Heels in a 12 man tag match
They all brawl at the start and people get hurt. Joe and Zema Ion are the two legal men by default as everyone else fights on the floor. Basically a pair of faces and heels go in the ring and then out one after the other. Storm is on the face team for what it’s worth, as is Gunner. My left foot went numb but my doctor says I don’t have diabeetus so it’s okay. Eventually this turned into an actual six on six match with people on the apron and I hit fast forward. I’d had more than enough by this point. TNA is sponsored by five hour energy because it takes one to get through it. Oh, Genesis is lasting two weeks. Fun. Park turns into Abyss and takes out Storm and Gunner too. Joe wins with the choke on Daniels. Look guys, Joe’s getting pushed. Again.
Velvet Sky is backstage with Austin Aries. He plugs his trading card and was trying to convince her to leave Sabin. Sabin comes in and drags her to the ring.
Angle is also backstage looking for Dixie and Al.
Speaking of before they became creepy, say hello to Taker.
Sabin is in the ring with Velvet Sky and he calls her selfish. I never realised how thin she was. Sabin tells Velvet she has some explainin’ to do and Aries comes out for the save. He tells Sabin that a better title for him would be “The worst boyfriend that ever lived.” and I nearly barfed as he said he’d make an exception to his veganism for “a piece of pigeon pie”. Oh God strike me down. If you love me you’ll kill me. Sabin says that Velvet loves him and does what he says, and Aries says that’s the problem. Velvet needs to be who she knows she is, and who the fans know she is. Aries goes to call her a hot piece of ass and Sabin interrupts him for feminism. Sabin calls her toots and grabs her ass. Aries challenges him to a one on one title match next week. To take Velvet out of the equation and wants Velvet to go inside a cage. Velvet says she’ll do it, it reminds her of her time before being a wrassler. Velvet wants a man who’ll support her, not blame her, and Sabin won’t have her help. She teases leaving Sabin if he loses the match. I saw someone on the Flock say they predict an Aries and Velvet live sex celebration. I think I’m going to have to take next week off.
Angle is still backstage but he’s changed his clothes. Still can’t find Dixie. Dexter is backstage and is congratulated by some faceless schmuck. Schmuck tells Dexter to not focus on Christie and gets his ass kicked for daring to mention her name. He beats the guy to death with his own shoe.
EC3 backstage segment. Magnus comes in too, and says he sees a rookie who doubts himself. The crowd was cheering and I wondered what they were seeing. They tease some dissension and Magnus walks out, wishing him luck. Or something.
That’s Tank Abbot giving a whole new meaning to “blade job”.
Bully Ray vs Mr Anderson in a No DQ match
Anderson runs out and attacks Bully before the match can start and the two brawl outside and inside the ring. The pair have a chair duel with Anderson coming out on top. Bully whips him with a chain for his troubles and gets in the ref’s face after a two count. It’s amazing how you can watch at double speed and not miss anything. Anderson introduces a guard rail to the match but it’s Bully who uses it before both guys take splashes on it. Anderson even hits a mic check onto it for just a two count. Anderson grabs a table and drives Bully through it but, again, gets a two count. He gets another table and Bully grabs the lighter fluid. Anderson snaps and goes to set the table on fire but Bully grabs him and pile drives him for the win. This feud will almost definitely see a flaming table though.
Kurt Angle confronts Al Snow in catering and knocks him out after Snow wouldn’t rat out Dixie.
Kurt Angle then comes out to the ring and grabs a mic. He calls out Dixie for involving his family. Dixie says Angle needs to realise things have changed and it’s not seven years ago. Angle says it isn’t because seven years ago Dixie was a good woman and asks her why she faked a family emergency. Dixie says she did it for the Rock, and for Angle. If she didn’t get Angle out the building he’d have made a choice he’d regret. Angle asks her why she’s so crazy and Dixie says that Angle isn’t smart enough to make the decision to not fight. She did what was best for him, and for her team. Angle says that he’s not on her team and he’ll be in Sting’s corner tonight. Dixie says he’s clearly insane and postpones his match until next week. I don’t see why the crowd booed that. They’ll still get to see it. Dixie threatens to fire anyone who gets involved in the main event and Angle dares her to fire him. He doesn’t care about his job, or his family, or anything. Dixie has him removed from the building for his own protection. Roode attacks Angle from behind as he argues with security and hits the Roode Bomb. That’s the name for that sweet looking Fireman’s Carry Neckbreaker he does. Security drags out a dead Angle.
Improper use of the Fireman’s Carry
Madison Rayne gets assaulted backstage.
Dixie is backstage with Scott Armstrong and informs him he won’t be the ref in the main event after his actions last week.
Madison Rayne vs Gail Kim for the Knockouts Title
A mild USA chant breaks out during this match because Gail is Asian and Americans are racist. The pair really go at it and Kim does her best to focus on the injured abdomen. Tapa attacks Rayne outside the ring and gets thrown to the back even though that’s grounds for a DQ. Gail does her good old fashioned Figure Four on the corner but ultimately Madison wins and is the new Knockouts champ. She’s now a five time, five time, five time, five time, five time knockout champ.
Sting is backstage and tells the guys in the back to stay in the back. A video package teasing a real new Impact or some stuff airs. Impact is getting a TV network or something.
Dixie is backstage with the American Wolves and says they have a tryout match next week. If they win, they get a contract…except…they already signed their contract earlier in the day. Dixie asks who counter signed it and they give her an envelope and walk out. TNA has a new investor and I hope this is a shoot. They could do with one.
This was called “If Vince Owned NBA” but Vince would never have a black man in the XBA.
Sting vs EC3 with special guest referee Rockstar Spud
Rockstar Spud actually got a “You’re a douchebag” chant. I don’t get why Tazz couldn’t say douchebag either. It’s TV14 after all. Spud is totally in EC3’s favour and pulls Sting away from EC3 whenever he can. Sting ignores him and just does what he wants, including suplexing EC3 on the ramp. EC3 gets back into it after a distraction by Spud and pounds more ass than a gay porn star. Cock talk! Sting gets the Deathlock in and Spud gets on his back. Sting just uses Spud to hit EC3 and drops him. Spud refuses to count but Sting grabs his hand and forces him. Magnus pulls EC3 out before he can count three and then takes his shirt off to reveal a ref shirt of his own. EC3 rolls Sting up and Magnus fast counts the three. EC3 wins.
Post match Sting challenges Magnus and says he’ll do anything, anything, to fight Magnus. Sting believed in Magnus and now he’s disgraced J.J Styles, Jeff Hardy, and the wrasslin business. Magnus is a cancer and Sting wants one. More. Match. Magnus says that Sting can never compete for the title again, and says he owes Sting nothing. Magnus says that Dixie is considering extending Sting’s contract and uses it as a negotiation tool. If Sting wins, he gets the title, and if Magnus wins, he tears Sting’s contract to shred and Sting is done. Sting accepts the match and in the back of his mind, dreams about facing Taker at Wrestlemania. The match is next week and it’s going to be hard for me to avoid spoilers. Tazz and Tenay hype up Genesis Part Two as the show goes off the air.
A collection of TNA scripts.
It wasn’t a bad show, I’m just getting very very tired. I’m interested to see what happens with Sting. I think the only way he’ll go to the E is if he can face Taker, but I don’t know if Taker is even doing a match this year. This might be Sting’s last chance. Maybe this ties into the new investor storyline and Sting DOES lose his contract, but gets resigned. This could all be building to a huge return for AJ, Sting and Jeff Hardy. Stay positive folks. Not understanding where something is going doesn’t make it bad. It means you get to explore the possibilities. THEN you get disappointed when they go with the worst option.
The Impact Review; Five years without an introduction.
The show started with Magnus backstage. He asked for Dixie and Hardy but neither of them were there yet, implying they spent a week together. He headed out to the ring and said he loves wrasslin. He also defected to America. Money talks in America but he’s not in it for the money. That’s why he’s in TNA. He asked if the same could be said for Hardy, who’s in it for the weed. He brought up Jeff leaving with Dixie and asked for an explanation, telling everyone to not let Jeff Hardy fool them.
Jeff Hardy came after that. Magnus brings up 10.10.10 in reference to Hardy turning heel at Bound For Glory three years ago. Magnus asks Hardy what his fans would think if he sold out and gets a “We don’t care” chant. I don’t know if they mean they wouldn’t care if Hardy switched heel, or they don’t care in general. Hardy tells Magnus to care about his own life and walks out the ring.
Christie Hemme was backstage with Angle, and she asks him about the match he has tonight. Angle says that he still has it. Oil that is. Or-tron approved. They are both cyborgs after all.
Jeremy Borasch was backstage with Chavo and asks for his thoughts about tonight, because it’s when the Feast or Fired results will be revealed. No one cares what he has to say, or what Zema Ion, who interrupted the segment, had to say. I couldn’t help but notice how much he looks like Gok Wan now though.
Zema Ion’s last job.
Bobby Roode vs Kurt Angle (2 out of 3 falls)
Say what you wanat about Angle’s recent storyline but this has been a heck of a build. They both have wins over eachother and it came to them saying they could beat eachother twice in one night. Bam, 2 out of 3 falls match. It’s a gimmick match that makes sense which is rare in this world of gimmick PPVs. Roode hits a sneaky low blow and something described as “We’ve seen this in recent weeks!” for the first fall. The commentators bring up 10.10.10 during this match to sell the main event. They still don’t say what it’s really about. I guess it’s because Hogan and Bischoff were the main players of the incident and they don’t want to reference them.
Anyway, Angle got the second fall to the shock of no one. I think Angle has problems. In almost all of his matches recently he’s bled from the mouth. It’s kinda creepy. Roode gets the final fall by rolling Angle up and grabbing the ropes for leverage so they aren’t done with this feud yet.
Borasch is still backstage talking about the Feast Or Fired match. Storm and Gunner are with him now and JB brings up that Gunner stepped over Storm to get his briefcase. Gunner says that Storm would have done the same thing and Storm says it could backfire on him, because he could be fired.
This is a real man. Like Gunner.
Angle is backstage and is asked what happens now. Angle said that Roode hasn’t outwrestled him, but he has outsmarted him and that’s something that’s never really happened. He’s asked if Roode really has his number and Angle says he won’t admit it. He also has to think about his next move. He was kind of teasing retirement.
Jeremy Borasch is backstage. Still. This time he’s with EC3. EC3 says that the only pink slip he has is to his legion of cars. He says that even if he gets fired then he knows the people in charge. His phone rings and it’s Dixie. His entrance theme is his ring tone by the way. Dixie says that she got lawyers to seal the briefcases so even she doesn’t know what’s in his briefcase. There’s nothing she can do if his case says he’s fired either. It’s not like she can re-hire him or anything.
EY is backstage with a badly wrapped steel chair. He dropped a mind grenade on Park and he’s going to continue the experiment. The chair is to bring Abyss back. He’s then in the ring with the chair and another wrapped present and brings Joseph Park out. He tells Park one more time that he’s Abyss. Park said he doesn’t know what to believe but his name is Joseph Park. Tonight there’s another experiment. Next week Park is going to go against Bad Influence. The best part is that it’s a Monsters Ball match. Park said he won’t do it but that’s what the second part is. The presents are a visual aid. The first present is, of course, the steel chair. The second present is a bag of tacks. The third present is some barbed wire. EY is a terrible secret santa. He wasn’t even secret.
Park says that the gifts don’t do anything for him and he still won’t do it. It’s alright though. EY has one more gift and it’s hidden under the ring. It’s Janice, Abyss’s main toy. Upon seeing the majestic nailboard Park says he’ll do the match and my pain ends.
Behold the purrito!
J.B was finally inside the conference room with the Feast or Fired guys. They’re going to reveal the briefcases. After the break! I thought about how nice it would be if Gunner got the tag team match case and they didn’t split him and Storm up. Before we can get to those results though we have to have a Jeff Hardy backstage segment. He’s with Samoa Joe, who tells him only a guilty man would look like he does. He told Hardy he can understand taking a short cut in a business like theirs, he just never imagined Hardy would be the type to do it. How long until Dixie buys Jeff’s house? Jeff tells Joe that no one is getting an explanation and walks out.
Feast vs Fired
JB introduces Dixie and EC3 helps her get in her chair. Dixie wishes the guys good luck and hands it back to JB. As well as sealing the cases, the lawyers also specified the order of the cases being opened. Ion goes first. He’s asked for any final thoughts and says there’s a 100% chance he’s going home, with gold around his waist. He gets the X-Divison title match and declares he’s keeping the briefcase. I wonder if it works like the MITB and he DOES have to cash in the briefcase. Gunner is next and he’s asked if he’ll have Storm as his partner should he get the title match. He says of course and opens the case. He has the heavyweight title match. Guess they are splitting up Storm and Gunner.
Chavo and EC3 are left. Chavo is up next and he said he’s confident he’s got the title shot. No matter what’s in the case, it won’t change the fact he’s still a Guerrero, and that I probably can’t spell Guerrero. EC3 says that he’ll never lose, and he’ll never be fired. Sting walks in and he said that he’s needed here because he got EC3 to join the match. EC3’s legacy is on the line, and saying legacy and EC3 in the same sentence makes him nauseous. As does what Dixie is doing to the company. Sting asks Chavo if he’s ever been handed anything and Chavo says his family had to work twice as hard to get ahead. Sting essentially said it sucks to compare Chavo and EC3, and that Chavo could get fired, leaving EC3 in the business. Sting can tell that Ethan is squirming and offers to take the case from him. The catch is EC3 has to face him in a match. EC3 says he’ll keep the case. He’s so getting fired. The briefcases are going to be opened at the same time. Chavo is fired. Sting consoles him and tells him it’s not the end, but it is the end of the Carters. Dixie disgusts her, and he doesn’t have any words for Ethan. I’m actually going to miss Chavo, even though he’s not been on TV for a while. Screw you guys, I’m sentimental.
Forget cases, I want to open this box!
Gail Kim and Lei’d Tapa vs ODB and Madison Rayne
Damn, Madison Rayne still has the best music in TNA. The match is mostly the heels heeling all over ODB until she can get the hot tag. Tapa throws ODB outside and goes after her, leaving it to just Kim and Rayne in the ring. Rayne reverses Eat De-Feet into a rollup for the win.
Jeff Hardy is backstage and Sting says that he owes the creatures and his family an explanation. He has to stay true to himself. He really understands what’s going on with Jeff. Sting is his dealer after all.
We get the first Impact 365 video of the night. Rockstar Spud said he was sorry for what happened last week. Dixie doesn’t care about his excuses. She has a title match coming up and doesn’t have a world title to present the winner. Spud needs to get another one made in time for the finals.
Jeff Hardy vs Magnus in a Dixieland Match
I don’t care what people say, I liked the sound of this match. Before the match Hardy grabs a mic and says that, sure, he’s made mistakes, but he can’t change that. He brings up 10.10.10, as well as the following Victory Road. Those mistakes aren’t going to be repeated. He was thinking about his future when he met Dixie. Dixie promised him a lifetime contract and the big money and he told her to stick it because no one owns him. He’s going to emulate AJ by winning the title and representing the company how it should be. Dixie came out in response to that.
If Shark Boy played Curry Man, then who played this guy?
Dixie says that the one thing he and AJ really have in common is that they owe everything to her. She supported Jeff through all his mistakes, not the fans. She tells Jeff to think about what’s best for her, and not his family. If he doesn’t then he’s going to be out of a job just like AJ. If that happens no ones going to sell his merch, CD’s, or art. He needs her a lot more than she needs him. Dixie decides to stay out and watch the match.
Magnus came out and the match started. No, seriously. I’d love for Magnus to win because he’s Magnus but they seem to be setting up Hardy to win. Part way through the match EC3 came out on to the ramp to stand with Dixie. These guys put on a pretty great match as you’d expect them to. Hardy actually tried to crawl out of the cage using the hole they put the camera through. I can’t say I’ve ever seen that before. Hardy climbed to the top of the cage and hit a Whisper in The Wind. As cool as that was, I wish he’d done a Swanton. He never hits the Whisper In The Wind and hit the mat hard. It also makes very little sense. They both climbed up to the top of the cage at the same time and EC3 tried to stop Magnus and attack him. Jeff stopped him and hit the Twist of Fate on EC3. Magnus and Hardy fight their way up the ramp, literally and figuratively. Hardy hit a Twist of Fate to Magnus on the ramp and hobbled up the ramp to the ladder. Dixie tried to stop him but Hardy just shouted at her and climbed up the ramp. Rockstar Spud came out and pushed the ladder over. Hardy landed very badly on his head. Spud set the ladder back up and cheers Magnus on. Magnus climbed up the ramp, up the ladder, and grabbed the title. Magnus is your new Heavyweight Champion.
And so begins round two of the British Invasion.
‘Nuff said.
It waws a pretty good show overall and of course I’m glad to see Magnus as the champion. I’m going to wait until next week to decide if he’s a heel or not. It was also good to see how the match really worked in the execution. Up yours to everyone who said it was a bad idea. Magnus posed with the title and The Impact Corporation to send the show off the air. Okay, maybe he’s a heel now.
It’s Friday the 13th and so far the only bad thing to happen to me is that I have to review Impact.
I had bacon sandwiches for lunch today. No turkey for me.