WWE Makes an “Awesome” Signing
7 CommentsWWE has reportedly signed former TNA Knockouts champion Awesome Kong to a contract.
Kong tweeted that she had finally scored her “dream job,” but made no mention of WWE by name. (more…)
WWE has reportedly signed former TNA Knockouts champion Awesome Kong to a contract.
Kong tweeted that she had finally scored her “dream job,” but made no mention of WWE by name. (more…)
Hello everyone! Sorry this is up late, but I had a headache last night, and my throat hurt… Not that I need to tell you wall that. Anyway! Make sure to check out this link: http://boredwrestlingfan.com/2010/12/14/raw-tweeter-year-contest/ and vote for who you think deserves to be RAW Tweeter of the Year!! You have until December 31st to cast your votes. Now, if your name isn’t there, don’t be upset. These are just the people who I mentioned repeatedly in the review because of their tweets. Use the #BWF hash tag (just like that) on Twitter and maybe you can get mentioned! We’ll see what happens for next year, but let’s finish up this year first.
Anyway, last night was Tables, Ladders, and Chairs! Who walked out victorious with the WWE Championship? Did John Cena defeat Nexus leader Wade Barrett? Did I eat those cookies…? I didn’t eat the cookies. I remember now.
AWESOME!
We start out with WWE Champion The Miz coming out all by his lonesome! Where’s Alex Riley?! And no Michael Cole?! Thank God!! RAW’s starting out amazing!!
Miz says that he is STILL the WWE Champion. We better get used to hearing ‘and still WWE Champion, The Miz’. Doesn’t it have a nice ring to it? He knows it’s tough for everyone to digest. They were all expecting an announcement of “the NEW WWE Champion, Randy Orton”, but that didn’t happen, now did it? The Miz beat Randy Orton, put him through a table and now… Miz is interrupted by some ghostly music and Alex Riley comes out.
Riley says that he is the Ghost of Christmas Past. He’s here to show Miz the error of his ways before it is too late. Behold, his first ever WWE Title Defense, which was, of course, against Jerry “The King” Lawler, three weeks ago. Miz says the error of his ways? He’s actually proud of what he did. He beat a WWE Hall of Famer and made sure that he will never be WWE Champion. He doesn’t regret that moment, and he doesn’t regret any actions he’s ever done in the past. He starts to go on, but is interrupted again by Cole, dressed up as the Ghost of Christmas Present.
Cole says “And I Quote…” Miz needs to change. His actions from last night, in the tables match vs. Randy Orton were, although vintage, unacceptable. He retained his championship through nefarious means, and he should be ashamed. Miz says no, that’s where Cole’s wrong. The actions of a true champion are defined by one sentence and one sentence only: Are they still WWE Champion after the match? And yes, he was. That is all that matters. Randy Orton underestimated Miz, and Miz beat him. So, here’s an image to put on your Christmas cards: Happy Holidays from The Miz!
Miz is interrupted again, but this time by a still image of Angry Miz girl, who tells Miz that she is the Ghost of Christmas Future, and she is very angry.
Miz needs to see the light and change his ways, or the new Number One Contender, John Morrison, will beat him. Miz says that he is the future. He is the face of this company, the most must-see champion in WWE history. Charles Dickens himself couldn’t write a better story, because he’s The Miz, and he’s AWESOME!
Now listen, this ain’t no make believe…
John Morrison makes his way out, and ruins CM Punk’s night. He says he’s surprised. That was really stupid, even for Miz. But, Morrison’s actually happy for his success, because last night, he beat Sheamus. He climbed a ladder, grabbed a contract, and he’s the new Number One Contender. That means that sometime soon, they will fight for that title. And Morrison has news for Miz: He’s beat him in the past, in the present, and he knows he can beat him in the future. And when he does, he will become the new WWE Champion. Miz asks really? And has kind of a really-off with the audience. Miz says he’s always been better than Morrison, and Morrison couldn’t… Before Miz can continue, Riley jumps in front of him, between Miz and Morrison, and shoves Morrison. Miz exits the ring and Morrison goes after Riley. While he’s pummeling away on Riley, King Sheamus runs down the ramp and decides he’s going to join in the fun! He attacks Morrison, but misses, and Morrison unloads on Sheamus. Riley gets out of the ring as Sheamus attacks Morrison’s injured leg. Riley moved over to King, for some reason, and King punches him right in the face. Miz walks up the ramp.
And I Quote: “Miz, tonight, you will collide with your ghosts from the past, present, and future, in a six-man tag team match. You, Alex Riley, and King Sheamus vs. John Morrison, Jerry Lawler, and Randy Orton.”
Miz is up on the stage now, holding up his championship and yelling about how he’s the champion, when he turns to go backstage, and Randy comes out. Orton clotheslines Miz to the ground,
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last night, John Cena pulls, as we now know, 23 chairs down on top of Wade Barrett.>
Coming up later, John Cena will address the WWE Universe.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Miz, you need to change and fall in love with me so we can get married and have butt-babies. #WhatColeIsSaying #BWF #RAW
@kickoutblog When was the last time John Morrison showered?
@kellylynndobson Backwards Bizarro set!!! This is not good. #RAW #BWF
@FrankWWEClown Did someone put drugs into my dinner tonight? Or am I really witnessing what I am watching on #RAW right now? #WWE
@Lunna1969 My 8 year old Niece just groaned and said that she wished CM Punk would read the GM messages! #RAW #WWE #BWF
Later on tonight, the WWE Champion The Miz, Alex Riley, and King Sheamus will face off against the team of John Morrison, Randy Orton, and Jerry “The King” Lawler. The Diva’s Champion, Natalya joins Punk, King, and Cole ringside.
Melina vs Alicia Fox vs Eve Torres to determine the Number One Contender for the WWE Diva’s Championship
Natalya says that she’s feeling quite dreamy sitting next to King, and then ends up telling him to settle his tea kettle.
The match starts out, and Alicia Fox goes to town on both Eve Torres and Melina. She switches back and forth between Eve and Melina for a while, throwing Eve out of the ring and concentrating on Melina. Melina starts to fight back against Alicia, and then fends off Eve too. All of them go for quick pins on one another, but none of them get further than two. Then Melina gets Eve on the top turnbuckle. Alicia grabs Melina onto her shoulders and holds her there, and then Eve goes to hit a flying cross body on the both of them, but Melina ducks under it, bringing Alicia with her, for a quick pin.
Melina wins via pinfall.
Natalya says it was impressive, and goes to congratulate her. Punk tells her to waffle Melina upside the head, and Natalya ignores him. She gets in the ring and goes to shake Melina’s hand, but Melina slaps the taste out of Natalya’s mouth and then walks out, her serious face on.
Nikki and Brie are arguing over Daniel Bryan, over which one is going to win his affections or something. I have no idea, but it’s nasty. Anyway, up next, Daniel Bryan has a match!
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog “These Divas are so hot.” CM Punk channeling Jerry Lawler circa 1999?
@HitTheRopes Why isn’t Gail Kim involved in this match?
@JonHexLives CM Punk: Small package. There’s a joke in there somewhere. #WWE #RAW #BWF
@KeepItFiveStar Oh shit! Melina heel turn! Follow her lead Heel Nikki! Follow her lead!
@Niki_Sushi As sick as I am of Melina being the only one getting title shots, it’s better than the Bellas getting a shot. #BWF #RAW
@kellylynndobson What did the five fingers say to the face……. SLAP! #BWF
It’s WWE week on USA! Tonight, technically, Smackdown will be live on USA at 9/8 Central, and WWE Tribute to the Troops is on Wednesday night! Also, Nexus probably won’t be here tonight. Crying shame, that.
United States Daniel Bryan with the Bella Twins vs. William Regal
I marked out when I saw that his opponent was Regal. I adore Regal.
Regal and Bryan lock up as Punk, King, and Cole try to figure out why Regal’s smiling. Regal automatically throws Bryan to the ground, but Bryan jumps back on his feet and throws Regal down instead. Regal bounces back up to his feet, and then shakes his finger at Bryan, which makes me laugh. Regal drops Bryan to the ground, holding onto his arm, and then when Bryan gets up, Regal’s not letting go. Bryan rolls over to get his arm untwisted, and then goes into this bridge thing for no reason, and then hits a dropkick on Regal. They lock up again, and Bryan twists Regal’s arm this time. Regal gets loose and proceeds to kick Bryan’s spine with the toe of his boot. It apparently pisses Bryan off, because he shoots to his feet and punches Regal, then kicks him hard in the back repeatedly. Bryan gets Regal in the corner and continues to kick him. Bryan goes to whip Regal across the ring, but Regal counters and whips Bryan across. Bryan runs up the ropes and flips over Regal, and then bounces off the ropes and right into Regal’s clothesline. Regal goes for a quick pin, but Bryan kicks out at two. Regal holds Bryan in a rather vicious looking headlock, but Bryan fights to his feet. He lifts Regal out of the air and goes to drop him, but Regal takes him down with him. Regal keeps the headlock applied, and Bryan fights to his feet, but Regal drops him back on the mat. Regal finally lets go and punches Bryan in the head a few times, then goes for a cover, but Bryan kicks out at two. Regal puts his knees in Bryan’s face, then hurls him across the ring. Bryan bounces off the turnbuckle and then slams right into another clothesline from Regal. Regal goes for a cover, but Bryan kicks out at two. Regal then puts Bryan in a full nelson, holding him there as Bryan tries to fight out. Bryan fights to his feet and then slams his ass against Regal, or at least that’s what it looks like. Regal and Bryan exchange uppercuts for a while, and then Bryan gets the momentum, only to get punched in the stomach by Regal. Regal goes for another uppercut, but Bryan catches him, going for a backslide. Regal fights out of it, and then hits Bryan in the back of the head. Regal now sets up for the Regal Stretch, but Bryan fights out of it and locks in the LaBell Lock, which Regal fights hard, for the win.
United States Champion Daniel Bryan wins via submission.
Regal applauds Bryan, and then the Bellas get in the ring and kiss Bryan. Bryan looks confused, and I would be too.
Still to come, the WWE Champion The Miz teams up with Alex Riley and King Sheamus to take on John Morrison, Randy Orton, and Jerry “The King” Lawler!
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Ugh. Fucking Daniel. All we need is ‘What’s up?’ and… shit, I dunno. OMGREGAL! Guess I’ll watch the match now. xD #BWF #RAW
@HitTheRopes Please give this match time #WWE
@KeepItFiveStar Please WWE, don’t make this 3 minutes long
@TKeep123 William Regal is making a Daniel Bryon match almost watchable! Alas, the Labell lock wins out. #WWE #RAW #BWF
@5CornersxSmootx #RAW #BWF Hide your kids, hide your wife, and call your friends because William Regal and Daniel Bryan is going on. IWC just creamed.
We come back to John Morrison preparing for this match backstage. Randy Orton joins him and says that it looks like Morrison’s the new Number One Contender. Morrison says that the match last night was bogus. Orton says that if Morrison wins the Championship match against Miz, he’s going after Morrison. Morrison says if that happens, he’ll be ready. He trusts Randy will be ready. Randy says that’s his first mistake: Do not trust him.
We flash to Santino laying on a towel, and Tamina standing on his back, apparently trying to work out some kink or something. He asks if she knows what she’s doing, and she says not really. Maryse walks up and says that it’s cute, ugly takes care of ugly. It’s good to know after she and Ted beat them tonight, Tamina has a plan B. Tamina calls her cupcake, and Maryse stands on Santino’s back too. The two get in each other’s faces, but security carries them off, leaving Santino face down on the floor.
Mark Henry and Gail Kim are backstage talking about how the air is much fresher because for the first time in six months, the Nexus isn’t on RAW. They continue to talk, but then are interrupted by Vickie Guerrero, who barks out an ‘excuse me!’ with Dolph Ziggler in tow. Henry says he takes that back: The air is not as fresh as he thought it was.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar They finally found Tamina some shoes.
@Niki_Sushi Dude. It’s Christmas, not fucking Valentine’s Day. Stop humping each other and WRESTLE!!! #BWF #RAW
@5CornersxSmootx #RAW #BWF What a terrible response from Morrison. “Well uh, alright…..I’ll be ready.”
@HitTheRopes Creative meeting note: “How about we put Gail Kim in a match for #1 Contender for Diva Title…nah, a segment with Mark Henry is better.”
Santino Marella and Tamina vs Ted DiBiase and Maryse
Santino walks out, all bent over. When they get to the ring, Tamina lifts Santino, cracking his back or something, and making it all better. Santino looks like he’s going to hug her, but seems to remember that he has a match to participate in. Santino and DiBiase start out, locking up. Santino makes the Cobra with his hand, and then drops DiBiase to the ground. DiBiase retaliates by punching Santino in the face. DiBiase controls the match for a while, hitting a standing dropkick right to Santino’s chin. DiBiase gets Santino in a headlock and holds him there, Santino reaching and grabbing for the ropes. Santino fights to his feet and manages to duck the clothesline from DiBiase, and then hits a hip toss on DiBiase. DiBiase rolls over to the corner, tagging Maryse in as Santino sets up for the Cobra. Maryse stands behind Santino until he turns around, and Santino forcibly stops himself from hitting the Cobra on her, saying ‘It’s a girl’. While he fights it, Maryse turns it around on him and he hits himself with the Cobra. Tamina then comes in and super kicks Maryse right in the face. She drags her to a corner, pulls her pigtails out, and then climbs up to the top rope. She’s about to jump off, when Ted goes to get her, but Santino goes to hit the Cobra, only for Ted to send him to the mat. Tamina hits the Superfly Splash for the win.
Tamina and Santino Marella win via pinfall.
Tamina glomps Santino, for that was exactly what that was, and Santino seems to have back problems again. Then again, after taking that chair from Barrett last night and the beat down from Nexus, I’d have back problems too. Tamina then carries a celebrating Santino up the ramp.
Backstage, John Cena makes his way to the ring, regifting some flowers and then drinking someone else’s coffee, I think.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Tamina used health. Santino restored to 100 HP
@Niki_Sushi …. Did Tamina just Sweet Chin Music Maryse?! THAT’S COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT! #BWF #RAW
@HitTheRopes Tamina is wondering: How the heck did @TheBethPhoenix carry Santino around? Dude is NOT light.
@5CornersxSmootx #RAW #BWF WHY IS JOHN CENA STEALING FLOWERS AND DRINKING OTHER PEOPLE’S COFFEE? #HideYourFlowersHideYourCoffee #IhatePG
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR MISTLETOE!!!
Cena says that they’re extra fired up tonight, and he knows why. Because tonight is epic, monumental. He feels good about tonight, he’s gonna do something he should have done a long time ago. He hugs the guy in the We Hate Cena guy, who looks ashamed. Cena says that tonight, for the first time in six months, Monday Night RAW is Nexus-free!! It makes him wanna dance, so he does the dougie. He even says that they hit rock bottom. He says it makes him wanna sing. So, he sings to make Texas happy, of course. He says that he’s so happy to be there that he has a treat. He’s commandeered some footage from last night’s TLC. It Is the footage describing the demise of Wade Barrett.
<VIDEO PACKGE: Cena puts a panel over Barrett, then pulls chairs on top of him.>
Cena plays it again, from another camera angle. Then again, from another camera angle, and yet again in slow motion. Punk is still aghast over this, by the way, and continues to call Cena a monster. Cena says that he feels good when he gets a bargain, especially close to the holiday season. Six months ago, he promised he would get to each and every member of the Nexus, and it took some time, but last night at TLC, he got to each and every member of the Nexus. That means the winds have finally changed for Barrett and his group of turd burglars, and he can now focus on the more important things, like winning the Royal Rumble and going to Wrestlemania.
Then, it’s all ruined by Vickie’s screeching. I MEAN, asking them to excuse her.
She and Intercontinental champion Dolph Ziggler come out. Vickie says pardon the interruption, but no one hears her over the crowd. Pardon the interruption, but John wasn’t the only one who won a match last night. Cena says that there’s so much hatred in the air, he can’t hear her. Every time she goes to talk now, the crowd won’t let her speak. John’s dying as they completely swallow whatever she’s trying to say. She continues to screech, and he continues to laugh. Cena tells them to give her the floor, but they won’t do it. Cena finally has to stand right in front of her to hear her, and finally tells everyone that she said he wasn’t the only one who won last night. Vickie continues, and says that despite competing in a Triple Threat match, Dolph is still Intercontinental Champion. And since Cena can show footage, Vickie can show her own footage.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last week at the Slammys, Jerry “The King” Lawler insults Vickie Guerrero.>
Vickie says that she has come to demand an apology, and if King doesn’t give her one, her boyfriend is going to beat him up. Jerry asks if it was about her weight. HE can’t help it if she’s the only Diva in the WWE whose bathtub has stretch marks. Cena says that Vickie is so fat she wakes up in sections. Jerry responds with when God said ‘let there be light’, he had to ask Vickie to step out of the way first. John responds with ‘Vickie’s so fat, her baby pictures had to be taken via satellite.” Dolph defends Vickie, and Cena stops Dolph, and says that Dolph called Vickie a double bagger, meaning Dolph has to put a bag over his head in case the one over her head breaks. Dolph used to be afraid of the dark, but then he saw Vickie naked, and was afraid of the light. It’s about here that Vickie slaps Cena.
And I Quote: “Since Vickie Guerrero is threatening that her boyfriend, Dolph Ziggler, will beat people up, let’s try it in a match tonight. Dolph Ziggler vs. John Cena. And that match will take place right now.”
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar “If You Can’t See Me, GivE Me A Hell Yeah” If they can’t see you, how are they gonna know to give the hell yeah? Worst sign ever
@kickoutblog JOHN CENA IS BACK… from not leaving!
@HitTheRopes I’m wondering if Cena handled getting dumped the same way he handled being fired. #wwe
@Niki_Sushi All I want for Christmas is my Hunter back… is that too much to ask for?! Enough! GIMME A KILLER! #BWF #RAW
@TKeep123 Vickie, give it up, it’s only a 2 hour show! #WWE #RAW #BWF
@KeepItFiveStar Boy Jerry Lawler’s all over this RAW tonight
@kickoutblog Ziggler vs. Cena = good. Vickie fat jokes when she’s no longer fat = lame.
@5CornersxSmootx #RAW #BWF King is all “Why u mad tho!?” and Punk is facepalming at the table.
Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler vs John Cena
Ziggler and Cena circle one another before locking up, and Ziggler wraps his arms around Cena and takes Cena down. Ziggler goes for an early pin, but Cena gets out before Ziggler can even keep his shoulders down. Cena and Ziggler lock up again, and Cena gets Ziggler in a headlock, but Ziggler gets to the ropes. Cena backs off and watches Ziggler. Ziggler holds his hand up and Cena goes to grab it, but Ziggler kicks him in the stomach and then attacks Cena in the corner. Ziggler keeps his momentum, whipping Cena across the ring, but Cena counters and then hits the running bulldog on Ziggler, who rolls under the ropes. Cena catches Ziggler’s foot that time, kicking Ziggler before hitting a fisherman suplex and going for the cover. Ziggler kicks out, but Cena flings him across the ring, only to run right into the turnbuckle himself. Ziggler gets up and attacks Cena. Ziggler whips Cena across the ring, and Cena bounces off the turnbuckle. Ziggler goes for a cover, but Cena kicks out. Ziggler then this some hard kicks out Cena before punching him right in the face. He does it again, knocking Cena down, and goes for a cover, but Cena kicks out. Ziggler kicks Cena hard, but Cena drops Ziggler. Cena goes for a cover, but Ziggler kicks out at two. Cena whips Ziggler, who bounces off the ropes and kicks Cena before going for a cover, but Cena kicks out at two. Ziggler locks in a hold of some kind, but Cena fights to his feet. Cena then worms his way up and puts Ziggler up for the Attitude Adjustment, but Ziggler counters by dropping Cena face-first to the mat and then going for the cover, but Cena kicks out at two.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Oh boy Dolph Ziggler is gonna job out like the guards did to Austin Power’s Dad in Goldmember.
@CMPunkSays If the #WWE ran Twitter, the Fail Whale would be replaced by the Failure Turtle.
@Niki_Sushi WWE made a bad move by having their money-maker act like a 10 year old bully. The guys may love it, but Mom’s gonna be pissed. #BWF #RAW
We come back to Cena gaining momentum, side slamming Ziggler to the mat. Ziggler and Cena then take each other out with clotheslines. The ref begins the count, and both men reach their feet, Ziggler first. Ziggler then drops Cena back to the ground, going for a cover, but Cena kicks out at two. Ziggler hits a dropkick to the jaw and goes for a cover, but Cena kicks out at two. Ziggler went for another dropkick, but Cena avoids it. Cena then comes back with a couple shoulder take downs and sets up for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, which he hits. Ziggler gets to his feet, and Cena gets Ziggler on his shoulders. Ziggler fights out and then tries for the sleeper, but Cena counters and locks in the STF. Vickie stands on the edge, distracting the ref, as Ziggler taps out. Cena starts to celebrate when he realizes that the ref never saw it. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag, but Cena kicks out of the following cover at two. Ziggler then undoes the cover on the turnbuckle, and the ref gets him away from it. Ziggler grabs the Intercontinental Championship and goes to hit Cena with it, but Cena ducks it and hits the Attitude Adjustment for the win.
John Cena wins via pinfall.
Cena gets his arm raised in victory, and then CM Punk gets in the ring and beats Cena with a chair. Punk then calmly walks away as Cena stands up and glares after Punk.
Coming up, the six man tag team match.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar C’mon Ziggler! First you do the Fame-asser, then you do a cocky pin?
@TKeep123 Poor Dolph…having to defend Vickie’s honor! Could be a long night! #WWE #RAW #BWF
@Niki_Sushi On the off-chance Nexus IS gone, I hope people realize the members still have contracts… #BWF #RAW
@FrankWWEClown I’M MARKING OUT. I’M MARKING OUT. I’m a Cena fan, but I can’t stop marking out!!! My hometown boy @CMPunk just made a statement! #WWE
@dasharpshooters Never mess with a man and his Diet Soda Cena. CM PUNK IS BACK IN ACTION! #wwe #raw
@StrikerSays I’m expecting him to turn green and lose all his clothes except for his purple shorts.
@HitTheRopes CM Punk has just made a bunch of folks happy and even more pissed off. #WIN
@ThingsColeSays The Feud That Diet Soda Built: CM Punk vs. John Cena
@kickoutblog Kick my cat, I kill your dog. Spill my diet soda, I hit you with a steel chair. #PhilosophyofPunk
Moments ago, Josh Matthews asked CM Punk why he attacked Cena. Punk responded with the only thing Cena understands is aggression. Last night, he brutalized Barrett with a steel chair, and tonight, Punk just gave him a dose of his own medicine.
Backstage, King’s getting ready for his match and is met by Sheamus. Sheamus says that he sees King still carries around his old crown. Unlike King, Sheamus earned his crown. As far as Sheamus is concerned, there’s only room for one king around here. They’ve been calling King King since 1974. Sheamus says to spare him the history lesson, because as far as tonight is concerned, the King is dead. Long live the King.
Vickie says that she went out there looking for an apology, and Dolph didn’t get her one. Dolph responds that he’s challenging Cena to a rematch tomorrow night. Vickie says that it’s going to be a handicapped match: John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler and her.
AWESOME!
Alex Riley and the WWE Champion The Miz make their way to the ring for their tag team match.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi For all that talk about keeping yourself healthy… why isn’t CM Punk wearing a seat belt? #BWF #RAW
@kickoutblog Vickie is gonna kick Cena’s ass.
@KeepItFiveStar Dolph, last time you did this, Daniel Bryan beat you three times.
@TKeep123 “FELLA” in Lawler’s face…. “…I actually eRRRRNed this crown!” King vs King tonight! Hey, wheres the King of Kings? #WWE #RAW #BWF
WWE Champion The Miz, Alex Riley, and King Sheamus vs John Morrison, Jerry “The King” Lawler, and Randy Orton
The match starts out with Alex Riley and Randy Orton. Orton doesn’t seem happy that Miz tagged in Riley right away, and he takes his rage out on Riley. Orton drags Riley into the middle of the ring and jumps on him, his knees hitting his face. Orton tags in Morrison, who hits Riley and sends him into the corner. Morrison whips him into the other corner and then slams into him. Riley is in Morrison’s corner, but tries to fight out. Lawler is tagged in and fights against Riley before hitting a dropkick on Riley. Riley fights back, slamming Lawler into his corner. Riley tags Miz in and Lawler knocks Miz right off his feet. Lawler tags in Orton, and Miz flees the ring, running in and tagging Sheamus in. Sheamus looks like he’s not completely sure what the hell just happened, but climbs in the ring anyway.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog Miz should be using The Roots version of his theme.
@Niki_Sushi Yes, Miz is awesome. Just because you’re screaming it into the mic doesn’t mean he’s going to be waiting in your hotel room, Cole. #BWF #RAW
@CMPunkSays You know what’s sad? Alex Riley has gained more notoriety than the guy who actually WON Season 2 of NXT.
@TKeep123 One last time to see Jerry “drop the strap”……. I”m hopeful! #RAW #WWE #BWF
We come back to Lawler being the one in the ring against Sheamus. Sheamus distracts the ref and Riley gets in a cheap shot. Sheamus goes for a cover, but Lawler kicks out at two. Sheamus gets Lawler in an armbar, I believe, and holds him there. Lawler fights to his feet and is met with a knee to this midsection by Sheamus. Sheamus runs at Lawler, who moves last second and sends Sheamus shoulder first into the turnbuckle. Morrison comes in off the tag, and starts to get a good momentum, but seems to hurt his already-injured leg and Sheamus tries to take advantage. Morrison hits his flying chuck, and goes to set up Starship Pain, but Riley distracts him. He gets up to do it again, but Sheamus knocks him down, bouncing his head off the mat. Miz comes in off the tag from Sheamus and immediately attacks the injured leg of Morrison. He slams Morrison down on his knee, tagging Sheamus back in. Sheamus locks himself around Morrison’s leg, applying pressure, before planting his knees into Morrison’s. Morrison manages to swing Sheamus around, and Sheamus tags in Riley, who prevents Morrison from reaching his teammates. Riley continues to go after the injured leg, slamming it against the mat. Riley gets Morrison in the corner and delivers some hard hits. Riley tries to get Morrison into his corner and finally gets him off the rope to do so. Riley tags in Miz, who continues on the injured leg. Miz goes to jump on Morrison’s leg again, but Morrison kicks Miz out of the ring. Miz runs back in and stops Morrison before he can tag in a teammate. Miz tags in Sheamus, who goes right back to the injured leg. Sheamus delivers hard forearms to Morrison’s chest before going to the cover, but Morrison kicks out at two. Sheamus gets Morrison in a hold using his leg, but Morrison uses his good leg to get out of it. Sheamus is having none of it, however, and drops his elbow onto Morrison’s spine. Sheamus mocks Morrison as he reaches for his teammates before dropping Morrison to the mat.
Breaking up that huge wall of text, Sheamus gets Morrison in a half Boston crab, and Morrison tries to drag Sheamus to his corner. Lawler distracts the ref, and Orton runs in, hitting Sheamus to get him to let go of Morrison. Sheamus recovers quickly, however, and attacks Morrison. Sheamus tags in Miz, and Miz misses at stopping Morrison, and Morrison tags in Orton. Orton this a quick flurry of attacks before hitting the scoop slam. Then, he pulls Miz into the ring and this the DDT. He goes for a cover, but Sheamus comes in and breaks up the pin. Morrison takes Sheamus out over the top rope, and Orton drops to his knees. Miz has his back to Orton, but Riley comes in, taking the RKO meant for Miz. Miz puts his boot in Orton’s face, and Orton is tagged by Lawler. Lawler takes down the strap, and Miz goes for the Skull Crushing Finale, but Orton comes in and hits the RKO, leaving Lawler to pin The Miz.
Randy Orton, John Morrison, and Jerry “The King” Lawler win via pinfall.
And I Quote: “The television show, Smackdown, will be live tomorrow night at 9/8 central here on the USA Network from San Antonio, Texas. In addition to all the Smackdown superstars, RAW’s contribution will be a handicapped match. As we heard earlier tonight, it’ll be Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero vs John Cena. Also, just added to tomorrow night’s event, the WWE Champion, The Miz, will take on Randy Orton, live on Smackdown.”
Miz comes in and attacks Lawler from behind. Orton goes to set Miz up for the powerbomb, but Riley interferes and Miz flees again. Randy flat out calls Miz a son of a bitch, by the way. I heard it clear just now.
Anywho. Next Monday, I may not be watching RAW. My brother, who has been in the Army for the past few months, is going to be here for Christmas, so I may be spending time with him. I should be able to let you know by Monday.
Don’t forget to vote for the RAW Tweeter of the Year!!! I’ll see you all later!!
Tonight’s RAW is a special three hour edition they’re calling Old School RAW! However, before we get to tonight, I want to make a note about next week’s RAW. It’s live in Orlando, FL, and I’m going. But, because I know that you all can’t live without this review (haha… just kidding), I’m going to try to get up a RAW review on Tuesday of next week so that you can still have that. It just won’t be Monday night, because I’ll be exhausted. So yeah.
ONTO TONIGHT’S RAW!
On the list of VIPs tonight, Superfly Snuka, Mean Gene, Cowboy Bob Orton, Ted DiBiase Sr., and I already forgot what the commercial said. Damn, I’m not good at this memory stuff…
Cue the old school entrance with the weird 80s music! Must be Old School Night!! They even gave it a new old-school theme for tonight. That’s pretty cool. I approve, thus far. Very vintage feel. Shutting up now.
Holy crap, annoying siren of doom. Okay. Seriously, onto the RAW review. Holy crap, you can’t hear Cole over the siren. GO SIREN GO!
Jerry says that he’s there because most of his memories are in black and white and he’s excited for the legends. Justin Roberts is in the ring and introduces Mean Gene Okerlund!
Mean Gene says that tonight, RAW is Old School, and he introduces the first WWE Hall of Famer, Cowboy Bob Orton! Mean Gene starts to introduce Bob’s son, but Randy’s not there yet. Mean Gene says that’s good news and asks if Bob thinks that Randy will walk out WWE Champion? Bob says that Randy does what Randy wants to do, get what he wants, and knows how to deal from adversity. Bob remembers being called from school and being told that the teachers were afraid that Randy was going to beat them up. Bob doesn’t care about Cena’s career, and he doesn’t care if Randy gives Cena the RKO after giving it to Barrett. Before he can go on, Barrett comes out, looking rather shocked.
Barrett tells that ‘old man’ to listen carefully: His prediction about Randy’s chances are as phony as his cast. Barrett is going to defeat Randy, and when he does, he’s going to achieve something that Bob never did: Become WWE Champion. Barrett says that he doesn’t owe anything to the old school, and they didn’t pave the way for him: He did it himself. Everything he’s worked for is going to come to fruition this Sunday at Survivor Series. The only reason he didn’t bring Nexus out was because he wanted Bob to see him beat Randy.
AWESOME!
Miz repeats Barrett for a moment. Last week, when Miz told Randy he’d be on his team, he didn’t get a thanks, he just got stared down with those squinty Orton eyes. That was a bad move, and Miz sent a message right back to Randy, changing the landscape of the 10-Man Tag match, just like he can change the entire landscape of the WWE by cashing in his Money in the Bank contract. Maybe he’ll do it when Randy arrives tonight. That’d change things, wouldn’t it? Then, at Survivor Series, he and Randy wouldn’t be able to fight for the WWE title, and Cena would have to stay in the Nexus forever.
Miz is interrupted by Cena on the TitanTron, and says that Miz has the weird gift of ruining everything he touches, but Cena is going to make sure that Miz doesn’t cash in tonight. If he’s going to be free or fired at Survivor Series, he’s not going to put himself on the line for nothing. Miz will cash in nothing, because Cena challenges Miz to a match tonight for nothing. The normal Miz is probably looking to Riley, but if Miz is as “awesome” as he says he is, simply say ‘I accept’. Miz says that he makes the decisions, and accepts the match. Mean Gene then says that The Miz will go up against John Cena tonight. Raw is Old School! Hang onto your hats!
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Dude…. You can see where Randy gets his harsh stare from. Wade’s gonna blow up if he gets both set on him at the same time. #BWF #RAW
@TKeep123 Love Bob Orton still wearing the cast on his wrist….it’s been what…25 years since he broke that arm? #WWE #RAW
@thinksojoe Love the hybrid #RAW set! #BWF
@divadirt Damn, even the guardrails are old school! #WWE
Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler with Vickie Guerrero vs. Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry
Oh, God. I forgot about Mark Henry’s old name. This is killing me inside.
Ziggler starts by hitting Henry’s back for a few times before going for the sleeper hold. Henry throws him out of the ring, and Ziggler looks like he hit his ring already. Ziggler climbs back in the ring to run into a clothesline by Henry. Henry then Whips him across the ring, and he ducks under a clothesline only to attempt another sleeper. Henry backs him into the corner and then puts him on the turnbuckle before slapping him right out of the ring. Henry smiles at Vickie, who backs away, and then hurls Ziggler back into the ring. Ziggler takes out Henry’s knee when Henry gets back in and then covers him in hits. Ziggler goes for a cover, but Henry kicks out at one. A ‘chocolate’ chant is going on, and Henry gets back to his feet, launching Ziggler across the ring. Henry then takes Ziggler down with two clotheslines and a head butt. Ziggler gets an advantage back, but Henry power slams him and goes for a cover, but Ziggler gets his foot on the bottom rope. Henry gets back up and nudges Ziggler. Henry then blows a kiss to Vickie and then goes to droop onto Ziggler, who rolls out of the way. The chocolate chant goes up again, but Ziggler hits the Zig Zag! Henry kicks out at two, and then Ziggler hits it again. Henry kicks out at two again though! Ziggler then attempts the sleeper again, and locks it in as Henry lays on the ring floor. Henry seems to pass out. Good luck carrying him.
Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler wins via submission/pass out.
Backstage, David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd are walking together. Smith says that his dad and Dynamite Kid didn’t see eye to eye, but still managed to get along. Tony Atlas says that they can work it out, and then a bunch of other stuff, talking about how him and his tag partner, Rocky Johnson, if I heard right, took care of business when they had their issues. Tony Atlas keeps going, and oiling up with WD-40, but the Hart Dynasty ran away.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog SEXUAL CHOCOLATE?!
@ThingsColeSays TONY ATLAS IS BACK!!!! AHH HEH HEH HEH AHH HEH HEH HEH
@HitTheRopes The return of Sexual Chocolate. Oh lord, the father of the hand is back. #WWE
We come back to Tony Atlas still going, but this time with Yoshi Tatsu, who is shaking his head, pantomiming suicide. Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater are in the ring.
WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater vs David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd
Smith and Gabriel start out, going to lock up, but Gabriel kicks Smith. Smith then throws Gabriel down, twice, but Gabriel retaliates by starting to lock his head legs around Smith’s head. Smith throws Gabriel down and then beats on him a little bit, Whipping him across the ring. He then hits one, two, three belly-to-belly suplexes into a cover, but Slater breaks it up. Gabriel tags in Slater, who is dropped as soon as he gets in. Smith goes for a cover, but Slater kicks out. Smith then slams into Slater, starting to slam him to the ground, but Gabriel distracts him, getting knocked outside the ring for it. Slater slams into Smith, and then tags in Gabriel. The two take turns slamming into Smith in their corner, then tag Slater back in. Slater goes for a cover, but Smith kicks out. Slater Whips Smith across the ring, and misses the chance to slam into him. Both men crawl to their corners, and Kidd moves instead of tagging in, and then kicks him in the face. Smith lays on the floor as Gabriel goes to the top rope, hitting the 450 Splash.
WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater win via pinfall.
Smith glares at Kidd, who merely laughs back.
Mean Gene is backstage with WWE Champion, Randy Orton, with Cowboy Bob Orton. Mean Gene asks if Randy thinks he’ll walk out WWE Champion. Randy starts to respond, but Truth interrupts. Truth says that he hates to say it, but Cena knew exactly what he was doing when he held his shoulder down for the 123. People like to think that Cena has a choice: Free or Fight. Cena’s not going to fight, but Orton has a choice: Do something or let it happen. Randy says that everyone seems to have it figured out, but there is one way that he can prevent Cena from screwing him over: to punt him in the head tonight.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 I sure hope JR gets at least a cameo. Best would be coming out and knocking Cole out of HIS chair! #WWE #RAW #BWF
@ThingsColeSays Kidd should’ve kicked Smith through the Barbershop window.
@HitTheRopes Did R-Truth get his wardrobe mixed in with The Brooklyn Brawler? #OLDSCHOOLRAW
@Niki_Sushi Randy: Guess I’ll just punt John. No biggie. Truth: Not.. what I meant. Randy: Don’t care. Truth: Shit. #BWF #RAW
@redsandman99 So R-Truth is like the token wise man now?
@kickoutblog Shoulda put him through a window, Tyson!
Mean Gene tells us to remember the Old School Vintage WWE Apparel is selling in WWEShop.com. Cool.
Justin Roberts asks us to welcome the only ring announcer to ever be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, Howard Finkel!
The Fink then tells us that he is going to introduce a man who is revered by many, feared by all: The Brooklyn Brawler with Harvey Wippleman. The Brawler takes the mic and asks if these people respect old school. He expected a standing ovation when he came to the ring, and he expects a standing ovation when his match is over. Wippleman says that the “king of old school” wants to challenge anyone from the new school to a match.
The Brooklyn Brawler vs Ezekiel Jackson
Brawler and Zeke stare at each other, and Brawler shoves Zeke, then tries to lift him. Zeke grabs him by the throat, throws him into the ropes, and then takes him down. The then flings him into the corner, then slams into him. Zeke then plants Brawler and goes for the cover.
Ezekiel Jackson wins via pinfall.
Well. That didn’t take long.
Still to come, John Cena takes on Mister Money in the Bank, The Miz!
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Not running into a brick wall. That’s standing in front of a tank and waving. #BWF #RAW
@RingsideRants Why is Cole saying 2011? Does he not know what year it is?
@FakeGorilla Good to see Harvey Wippleman got his manager’s license renewed.
Nexus is backstage and Otunga says that he was almost excommunicated, but he stepped up. Now, it’s time that one of them step up. R-Truth is becoming a problem, and as the leader- Barrett walks in and says that he’s the leader. Otunga makes a good point though, someone does need to deal with Truth. That is going to be Otunga. Otunga says they’ve had beef since NXT anyway.
“Barrett, David Otunga will not face R-Truth, as Otunga will compete in a special match later on tonight. As for R-Truth, he will be in action tonight against you, Wade Barrett. What a better way to prove to everyone that, despite who the referee is this Sunday, you are truly WWE Championship material.”
THIS ISN’T OLD SCHOOL, COLE! King said the same thing. Ahaha.
Barrett says the GM raises a good point, and Harris says that Barrett knows they have his back. Barrett thanks them, but says it won’t be needed. He’s going to go out there and prove he can beat anyone on the RAW roster on his own, then asks what Cena wants. Cena merely smiles and then steps forward, saying that he wanted to make sure that he had a grasp on his meltdown and a thank you for taking care of the Miz. Barrett says that he wants Nexus to follow Cena to the ring just in case Orton tries to interfere. Cena says if Orton wants some, he can come get some.
<COMMERCIAL>
@FrankWWEClown A laptop? An iPod tone? A wireless microphone?! This is not old school, this is MADNESS!!! #OldSchoolRAW #WWE
@HitTheRopes They didn’t have Internet back then. #wwe
@thinksojoe We got Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry, why can’t we get Word Life John Cena? #RAW #BWF
@kickoutblog If it were TRULY old school, the GM would send messages in AOL’s WWE chat room.
@TKeep123 Will we see KANE with his mask? #WWE #RAW #BWF
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR BAD WIG NIGHT!
John Cena vs Mister Money in the Bank The Miz
Tonight could be the last time we see Cena on RAW! I’d be very sad. And I wonder why Riley’s wearing trunks…
Miz takes the mic and says that Cena always thinks he’s one step ahead of Miz. Cena thinks that if he takes out Miz now, he can’t cash in the Money in the Bank briefcase tonight. If he takes Miz out right now, he has one less thing to worry about Sunday. The GM never officially sanctioned this match, Cena did. Miz says that if the GM doesn’t have a problem with it, Miz can make a substitution. Cole says he hasn’t heard anything, and Miz says that he guesses the GM doesn’t mind. Tonight, he won’t compete against Cena, instead Alex Riley will be. That answers my question. Miz says that Cena wants to face him, but he’ll have to wait until Wrestlemania after he becomes WWE Champion. Because he’s the Miz, and he’s awesome!
John Cena vs Alex Riley
Riley and Cena lock up, and Cena quickly flips Riley on his back. Cena then does it a second time. Cena seems to be screwing with Riley, and they start to lock up, but Cena kicks Riley, then tosses him again. Cena backs Riley into a corner, then runs into Riley’s elbow. Riley distracts the ref and Miz hits Cena. Riley takes advantage and plants Cena before going for a cover, only for Cena to kick out. Cena hits Riley with a low-blow, and then flings Riley across the ring. Cena runs right into the turnbuckle, however, and Riley takes the advantage. He throws Cena into the turnbuckle, and Cena bounces out, hitting some move, but the camera man knows for my love for Miz and was focused on him. Riley goes for a cover, but Cena kicks out. Riley gets Cena on his feet, but Cena throws Riley over his back, ducking a clothesline, hitting shoulder blocks, then planting Riley. Cena then tells Miz that Miz can’t see him, then hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle on Riley. Miz yells at Riley to not get up, and then Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment before locking in the STF, smirking at Miz.
John Cena wins via submission.
Miz gets in the ring, but Randy shoots down the ramp, taking out Orton, and then taking out McGuillicutty and Harris. Orton and Cena are in the ring, staring at one another. The two exchange blows, and then the refs climb in the ring to break them up, trying to pull Orton off Cena. The refs manage to pull them apart, and then a bunch of other guys climb in to make sure that they stay apart. Orton wants to beat the shit out of Cena. The crowd’s telling the guys to let them go.
“It’s obvious that John Cena and Randy Orton have issues they need to work out prior to Survivor Series. Since this is Old school, I can’t think of a better forum than in this very ring with a man who isn’t afraid to ask questions. Cena, Orton, later tonight, you will both be guests on Piper’s Pit.”
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Was Abraham Washington one of the guys breaking them up?
@kickoutblog Johnny Ace just tripped trying to get in the ring… shoulda rode his skateboard.
@ThingsColeSays Is Orton going old school by growing out his hair?
Well, when RAW would be starting, they play the entrance video one more time. Okay then… Wait, did they just restart RAW? Oh, no, they didn’t. I was a little scared.
The Fink is in the ring with Nikolai and the Iron Sheik. He then asks everyone to rise as Nikolai sings the Russian national anthem. We really just need Sheamus, and Sa-… Good for me!
Santino and Vladimir make their way down to the ring together. Santino apologizes for interrupting, and says that his tag team partner would love the honor of singing with him. Vladimir and Nikolai shake hands and then a USA chant starts. Vladimir grins and the two start. Santino even realizes this was a bad idea. He tries not to laugh, and fails, and then interrupts them again. Santino says it was… it was… crushingly terrible. Santino says that there is one song he would like them to hear, and it’s going to blow the roof off this place. It’s the story of his life, and he needs help to sing it. Slick makes his way to the ring.
Sheik starts yelling about Hogan, but no one can hear him over Slick’s theme. Sheik looks like he’s ready to blow a bitch up… Wait, what?
Santino asks Sheik what he thinks about that. Sheik says that without the Iron Sheik, something about Hulkamania, then tells everyone to shut up. Someone cuts off his mic, and then the Usos come out. It’s a cultural cluster fuck. Jesus.
Anyway, a match is next. Goodie.
<COMMERCIAL>
@StrikerSays We need Kurt Angle to come out and defend the honor of his country again.
@kickoutblog The Soviet National Anthem? I guess no one’s had the heart to tell ol’ Nikolai, have they?
@FrankWWEClown Here we go! @the_ironsheik is about to make the @WWEUniverse humble! He put you in the camel clutches!!! F*** the Santino! #OldSchoolRAW
@RingsideXcess LOL at Sheik shooting on Hogan.
Jimmy and Jey Uso with Tamina and Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka vs. Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov for the Number One Contender to the WWE Tag Team Champions
We come back to the Usos already fighting Santino. They tag, but I can’t tell which one’s in. I don’t know the difference between him. Santino gets taken down by Uso 1. Uso 1 tags in Uso 2. Santino flings Uso 2 over and then is rolled all the way over to his own corner, and Vladimir tags in, catching Uso 2 in mid air and flinging him back toward his own corner. Snuka seems a bit unimpressed, to be honest. Vladimir tags in Santino, who is shoved like a battering ram into Uso 2. Santino goes for a cover, but Uso kicks out. Santino tags back in Kozlov, who drops Uso, face-first, onto the turn buckle. Kozlov then picks up Uso and doesn’t see that the other Uso is tagged in. Uso then goes for a cover, only for Kozlov to kick out. Uso then plants Kozlov and goes for another cover. Uso gets Kozlov in a headlock, and Santino screams at Kozlov to ‘come here’. Kozlov fights out, only for Uso to plant him and then tag in the other Uso. Uso then drops into Kozlov and knocks Santino out of the ring. The Usos us3 this time to double team Kozlov. Uso pins Kozlov, but Kozlov kicks out at two. The Usos are thrown into Kozlov, and then go for a cover, but Kozlov kicks out at two. Kozlov stretches for Santino, who is yelling at him to move. Kozlov keeps trying to push Uso off of him, but it doesn’t work . Uso then tries to take out Santino, blocks it. Santino and the other Uso are tagged in, Santino dominates. Santino goes for a cover, but the other Uso goes to break it up, but Kozlov plants him. Santino then hits the Cobra.
Vladimir Kozlov and Santino Marella win via pinfall.
Sheamus then Brogue kicks Kozlov, then the Usos. Santino pleads for mercy, but Sheamus shoves him down. Morrison runs out to the ring and tricks Sheamus into running to the ropes, only to flip him over the top rope. Morrison hits a spinning kick on Sheamus, then takes a mic. Morrison says that he keeps doing this because Sheamus is a bully. One thing he learned about bullies is that when they feel threatened, they turn and walk away. Sheamus keeps looking for fights in all the wrong places. If Sheamus wants to fight, Morrison is right there. Sheamus pulls off his shirt and looks like he’s going to the ring, but Sheamus walks away.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 One of these days….they’ll learn…. FEAR THE COBRA! #WWE #RAW #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@Niki_Sushi I love how the Cobra is considered the Golden Gun of the WWE world. Same with the Orton Punt. #BWF #RAW
@kickoutblog Slick left ringside because he’s afraid of Tamina. Why? Because she is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig woman. #JiveSoulBro
@dasharpshooters: Sheamus came out of nowhere. He must have been camoflauged on the white ropes. #wwe #OldschoolRaw #raw
I can’t take Justin Roberts seriously with that damn hair… I really can’t.
David Otunga vs. Kofi Kingston
As my best friend and I said Smackdown, Kofi looks weird in blue. I got used to him in painful yellow. Anyway, why is it that the Smackdown guys both got the interviews?
Otunga takes a couple hard kicks from Kingston, who seems to find this amusing. Kingston ducks a clothesline and gets Otunga in a headlock. Otunga catches Kingston and drops him on the mat. And then again. And one more time. Otunga then goes for a cover, but Kingston kicks out. My cat started watching right now, by the way. If he’s an Otunga fan, I’ll have to send him to the Chinese place up the street. Anyway, Kingston fights out of the headlock Otunga had him in, and Otunga drops Kingston, going for a cover. Kingston kicks out at one, and Otunga plants his knee in Kingston’s back before Kingston fights to his feet. Kingston gets momentum and fights Otunga into a corner, getting pulled off Otunga by a ref. Kingston hits a hard drop kick on Otunga, and then Kingston plants Otunga, who plants him, in a double clothesline. George “The Animal” Steele makes his way to the ring, and the fans point him to the ring. He climbs into the ring, green tongue out, before he yells about eating. The ref tells him no, and he turns around to bite apart the other turnbuckle. Otunga stands up and looks at him like he needs to go to the asylum down the street, and the ref gets Steele out of the ring. Kingston reminds Otunga he’s in a match by planting Otunga into the exposed turnbuckle and hits the Trouble in Paradise.
Kofi Kingston wins via pinfall.
Morrison is backstage with Arn Anderson and Jerry Briscoe. Morrison says that he’s sick of Sheamus and shows some examples before Sheamus puts his boot in Morrison’s face. Sheamus says that he accepts Morrison’s challenge for a match at Survivor Series.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Screw T-Shirt Time! It’s Turnbuckle Timeeeee!
@KeepItFiveStar #Hideyourkidshideyourturnbuckles
@TKeep123 OMG!!!!! George THE ANIMAL STEELE….GREEN tongue and all! What a wonderful man! #WWE #RAW #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@StrikerSays I just LOLed at that big boot.
@Niki_Sushi This is truly the night of bad wigs. #BWF #RAW
@redsandman99 *snickers* I like JoMo but I won’t lie. I laughed when Sheamus kicked him
Aksana is walking with the Million Dollar Title backstage and Hacksaw Jim Duggan says that Aksana’s mom is over there and she’s been stealing his bit. Aksana says that she’s lost weight, and Dusty Rhodes says that he isn’t her momma. A net drops on her and Goldust takes the belt back. He then returns it to The Million Dollar Man, who walks up with IRS. Ted Jr. walks up and Ted Sr. gives it back to him. Ted says that there’s something else he wants that isn’t a hand me down. Cody shows up and says that that was far from Dashing. Goldust says that they should go over there and give him some of his grooming tips. Cody tells Goldust not to breathe on him, and walks away. Goldust tells Cody to help a brother out. Tatanka, Kelly Kelly, Ted Sr., IRS, Aksana, Dusty Rhodes, and Jim Duggan all dance. Ron Simmons sums this up perfectly.
“Damn.”
Later to come, Randy Orton and John Cena meet up on the Piper’s Pit.
Eve and R-Truth make their way to the ring for Truth’s match with Wade Barrett, next.
<COMMERCIAL>
@StrikerSays I often wonder if Ted DiBiase, Sr. even did The Laugh after punishing his sons.
@KeepItFiveStar Is “I will beat you with shovel” Aksana’s new catchphrase?
My heart hurts when Truth raps this new entrance, but it dies a little when Eve dances to it.
R-Truth with Eve vs. Wade Barrett
I hope Barrett pulls a Hannibal Lector and eats Truth’s face… Even though that would be nasty, and not PG at all.
Barrett and Truth circle one another before Barrett puts his foot in Truth’s stomach. Truth smacks Barrett before kicking him, and Barrett hurls Truth across the ring, but Truth does his fancy foot shit and avoids getting his ass kicked. Truth then clotheslines Barrett over the top rope. Truth then flips over the top rope and takes Barrett out. Truth then throws Barrett back into the room, nearly pulling his trunks down, and Truth goes to the top rope, jumping over Barrett who goes to knock him down. Barrett plants Truth, then holds him against the ropes. Barrett then suplexes Truth, who kicks out. Barrett then kicks Truth and drags him to a corner, who hits an elbow drop on Truth. Truth kicks out of Barrett’s cover at two. Barrett then plants Truth with a back breaker and goes for a cover, only for Truth to kick out. Both Orton and Cena are watching this match. Truth goes to steal a cover, but Barrett kicks out and beats Truth for it. Barrett gets Truth in a headlock, but Truth fights out, only to get Barrett’s knee in his stomach. Barrett runs into Truth’s face, and Truth takes the momentum with some hard clotheslines. Truth counters some kind of attempt at something, but Barrett kicks out of the cover. Truth drops Barrett on his stomach and goes for a cover, but Barrett kicks out. Truth misses an axe kick, and Barrett gets Truth up, but Truth fights to his feet. Barrett plants his foot in Truth’s face and then hits Wasteland.
Wade Barrett wins via pinfall.
Coming up: Orton and Cena are on Piper’s Pit.
<COMMERCIAL>
@C00kieCrumz: I hope Wade Barrett kills R-Truth. #wwe
@TKeep123 OK, EVE IS HOT and getting darker every week, but damn….. she really can’t dance to that rap. #WWE #RAW #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@RingsideRants Eve’s dancing is so awesome, but not in a good way. In more of a, “wow this is terrible” kind of way.
@KeepItFiveStar Right time for you to SHUT UP!
@HitTheRopes Thank you very much, Wade. #wwe
And the entrance is played one more time! That siren is only cool because it drowns Cole out. King then strangles Cole a little, just for fun.
Ricardo starts to introduce Alberto del Rio, but is interrupted by Tito Santana, who introduces him instead. Chavo Classic is driving Alberto’s car. Sounds like an insult.
Alberto takes the mic and thanks Tito and Chavo Classic, then says that is name is Alberto del Rio, but we already knew that. He calls the Americans fat!! Thank you, Spanish class! And he tells us all that. He says he’s in the heart of the nation, a heart that will soon be stuffed by cholesterol and obesity. Anyway, he knows we’re here to celebrate the Old School. He thinks the old legends should follow Tito and Chavo and pay respect to him.
Sgt. Slaughter comes out to show him respect. Yeah, right. Slaughter scares me. Anyway, Slaughter tells Rio to shut his hole and listen up. There are two things you don’t mess with: legends and America. Rio wants respect? How about he earns it by facing Slaughter right here, right now, you scum, you slime, you maggot. A USA chant starts up as Rio laughs. Rio says something, but I haven’t got that far in Spanish. He then says to bring a referee right now.
Alberto del Rio vs Sgt. Slaughter
Rio beats Slaughter to his knees, and Rio mockingly salutes before Whipping Slaughter. Slaughter then gets him a hold, but Rio makes it to the ropes. Rio then elbows Slaughter in the neck, and hits a hard clothesline. Slaughter kicks out of the cover at two, and Rio puts him in a headlock. A Slaughter chant breaks out. Slaughter fights to his feet, but takes a hard kick to the thigh. Slaughter ducks a clothesline, and locks in a hold, but del Rio gets out of it, flipping Slaughter over and throwing him into the corner before kicking him in the back of the head.
Alberto del Rio wins via pinfall.
Rio kicks Slaughter and locks in his armbar. Slaughter taps, but del Rio doesn’t let up. MVP, however, chases del Rio out of the ring. Rio winks at MVP as MVP helps Slaughter to his feet.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar MVP? Did the RAW flight get stuck overseas again?
@kickoutblog Why wouldn’t Mysterio make the save there?
@HitTheRopes With his bald head and the black and green on, Sgt. Slaughter looks like a turtle. #wwe #raw
@TKeep123 Sgt. Slaughter out to check Alberto del Rio’s GREEN CARD! “Shut your hole, you puke!” #WWE #RAW #OldSchoolRaw #BWF
@redsandman99 Ariba bitch!
@Lunna1969 Ricardo just got his spot light jacked! #BWF #WWE #RAW
@seraphalexiel 😀 Spanish Announcers are always win. Always
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Wrestlemania XXVII tickets are on sale!>
Mean Gene introduces WWE Hall of Famer Mae Young. Mae comes out with none other than the Bellas. Mean Gene says that she has quite a storied past in the WWE, some even say she was the very first Diva. Mae says that she’s 87. That’s all I caught. Mean Gene says that there are so many unforgettable moments in her career.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Mae Young>
LayCool interrupts Mean Gene and Mae Young. Michelle says they’re a little confused? Is this Old School RAW or Jurassic Park? They ask how it feels to know that they have a Championship when she’ll never have one. LayCool makes an adult diaper joke and tells the Bellas to change her. Mae says she wants a match with those sluts, with no disqualification, and then calls them bitches. LayCool begin laughing and run away from Mae. LayCool says they want to make it a falls count anywhere. Then they tell the guys to ring the bell.
LayCool vs Mae Young in a No DQ Falls Count Anywhere Match
Divas come out to join her. Natalya, Eve, Melina, and Gail chase LayCool down and proceed to beat LayCool up. Layla then gets a hard slap by Mae before getting a clothesline by Natalya. The Divas then put one of Mae’s feet on Layla, and the ref counts it.
Mae Young wins via pinfall.
<COMMERCIAL>
@dasharpshooters Mae Young just called Laycool sluts and bitches. HARDCORE LIKE A MUTHAFUCKA. #wwe #Oldschoolraw TV-14
@kickoutblog Who would’ve thought Mae Young on a mic was more dangerous than The Iron Sheik?
@KeepItFiveStar Mae Young is breakin down the PG barriers!
@HitTheRopes I guess they forgot to tell Mae Young they were PG. LOL. “These two sluts…” #wwe
@ThingsColeSays LOL King marking the fuck out!
@redsandman99 I’m absolutely dying here. Sluts, bitches…Mae Young with a live mic is awesome.
@TKeep123 Mae Young slapping the taste out of Layla’s flawless mouth! ..and the PIN! YES! #WWE #Raw #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
The Fink asks us to welcome the special guest commentator for this match: JR! I marked the hell out. I LOVE JR!!!! He and Lawler are my favorite commentators. Shut the fuck up Cole.
United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Jack Swagger
Bryan and Swagger lock up, and Swagger keeps his hands on Bryan. Bryan manages to fight out, only to deliver a hard kick to Swagger. Cole pretends to doze off, and Swagger gets Bryan on his back. They both try to lock in their own submissions, and Bryan manages to fight out of Swagger’s set up, grazing Swagger’s head with a kick. JR and Lawler continue to ignore Cole. Swagger has his hands around Bryan’s waist and holds on tight. Bryan avoids some this by Swagger, who runs face first into Bryan’s feet. Bryan goes for a cover, and Swagger kicks out. Bryan keeps kicking Swagger hard. Bryan climbs up the ropes to avoid getting beat, and Swagger kicks him out of the ring.
<COMMERCIAL>
@StrikerSays JR just keeps shutting Cole DOWN with slobberknockers of ignoring.
@KeepItFiveStar I love how Jim Ross is just no selling Michael Cole
@TKeep123 JR dissing Michael Cole…. My night is complete! #WWE #Raw #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@divadirt OMG! JR & King reunion. Someone mute Cole’s mic please. #WWE
@kickoutblog MOTHER.FUCK.YES.JR!
@ThingsColeSays First JR, now Daniel Bryan. LOL. Cole is gonna kill himself!
@HitTheRopes And there is @JRsBBQ and all is right with Raw. #wwe
@JCenadotcom Who’s hoping that Cole gets a beating courtesy of good ole’ JR [and King]?
It made me smile to come back to JR’s voice. Swagger has Bryan around the waist and Swagger plants Bryan, going for a cover before Bryan kicks out. Bryan shakes it off and then is grabbed around the head by Swagger. Swagger and Bryan roll around the ring for a little bit before Swagger climbs back into the ring. Swagger walks right into a kick by Bryan, and then gets knocked out of the ring. Bryan plants his feet in Swagger’s face, then proceeds to keep kicking swagger. Swagger locks in the ankle lock, but Bryan gets out of it. Swagger then avoids getting kicked in the face again. Swagger jumps off the second rope and onto Bryan, going for a cover, but Bryan kicks out at two. King tells Cole to shut the hell up. Swagger then jumps off the second rope again to land on Bryan. Swagger grabs Bryan around the waist and attempts the Gut Wrench, but Bryan fights it, going to attempt the LaBell, but Swagger hits the backbreaker. Swagger attempts another Gut Wrench, but Bryan kicks Swagger in the face again. This time, for the win.
Daniel Bryan wins via pinfall.
Ted DiBiase runs into the ring and proceeds to beat the hell out of Bryan, then hits the Dream Street. Ted then takes the United States Championship and climbs in the ring. He holds it up, and then Maryse makes her way down to him. JR says his goodbyes, and I cry on the inside.
At Survivor Series, Edge and Kane will face off for the World Heavyweight Championship! The traditional match is Team Mysterio vs Team del Rio. Mysterio, Show, Masters, MVP, Kofi vs del Rio, Reks, Swagger, and someone else I missed. Sorry. Sheamus and Morrison are going head to head too! Then, there’s going to be Randy Orton vs Wade Barrett for the WWE Championship, where Cena will be freed or fired.
JR smacks Cole with his hat and gives kids high fives and what not as he heads out. Love that man.
Up next, Cena and Orton are going to meet up in Piper’s Pit.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog JR hitting Michael Cole with his hat should be added to the Raw intro video.
@Niki_Sushi Jerry just legit pointed and laughed at Cole. My night has been made three times already. #BWF #RAW
@bethsharae Beat the crap out of him JR! #Raw
@TKeep123 Ted Dibiase apparently jealous of Daniel Bryan’s beard… #WWE #Raw #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@ThingsColeSays Ahahahahahahahaah, now Cole said “belt.” He’s fucking losing it! This is awesome!
@seraphalexiel SLOBBERKNOCKER! And…. this was the best RAW moment in a long time
@redsandman99 Nothing says shut the fuck up like a bitchslap with a cowboy hat.
We welcome the legends back out to the stage, and they all line up. Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, Cowboy Bob Orton, IRS, Tito Santana, Sgt. Slaughter, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, The Brooklyn Brawler, Chavo Classic (who mentioned Eddie), Mean Gene Okerlund, Howard Finkel, Mae Young, Jerry Brisco, Ted DiBiase Sr., Slick, Tatanka, Tony Atlas, Arn Anderson, Ron Simmons, Dusty Rhodes, George “The Animal” Steele, JR!, The Iron Sheik, and Nikolai Volkoff.
Now, we welcome the other legend, Rowdy Roddy Piper, who’s looking a little older than he did at the Madison Square Garden RAW he guest hosted last year.
Rowdy says that we’re gonna make some history. Old school isn’t about nostalgia, it’s about a time when you had to man up, when you had to stand up to the plate, like when Captain Lou was being honored with an award and Piper hit him with a record. When he hit Snuka in the head with a coconut. It was a time when you had a problem, and you did something about it. His first guest is John Cena.
BRRRRRRRRRR WE LOVE JR!
Roddy says that he’s a fan of Cena’s, and he’s a helluva man. Roddy has to tell him that he has been competing over 30 years, and he’s never been the WWE Champion. It does eat at him a little bit. Many many other legends have never been the WWE Champion. And if Cena’s gonna do what Roddy thinks he’s gonna do, and he’s gonna give that SOB Wade Barrett the WWE Championship without him deserving it, then what Cena’s doing is spitting in the face of all those legends that he says he respects. Roddy’s askin him not to spit in his face, Cena. Cena’s been a man ever since he walked in. Consequences be damned, do the right thing. For weeks Cena’s had to hear free or fired, free from Nexus or fired from the WWE. At times, he doesn’t know what the right thing is. It’s not that easy. From the moment Cena got here, he’s worked as hard as he can. So, when guys like Piper look at the WWE, they look at Cena, and say they could have hung with them. He’s got a lot of respect, and he looked up to them as a kid. He’s been thinking about it a lot, but after all the work he’s done, he’s not going to give the WWE Championship up. Everybody wants to know the decision: If Randy Orton wins at Survivor Series, he earns it. If Wade Barrett wins, then he earns it. Cena’s calling the match down the middle. Barrett interrupts and says well said Cena. Barrett agrees 100%, just call it down the middle. HE proved tonight that he can beat anyone on the RAW roster without Cena’s help. They were magnificent words, but that’s the problem; They’re just words. They both know there’s a reality in place here. The reality is this: if Barrett doesn’t get his hand raised, if he doesn’t win the WWE Title, Cena’s finished, it’s all over. Piper puts a hand over Barrett’s mic and tells him to shut up. He says that if Barrett lets Cena give him that WWE Championship – then spits at Barrett for not look in at him – at the end of the day, he may have the WWE Championship, but he won’t be a champion, he’ll be a joke. Barrett asks who Piper is to cast judgment on him. One way or another, this is Cena’s final night on RAW as Nexus. It may be Cena’s final RAW ever. Sunday, Barrett either sets him free or fires him. If this is indeed his final RAW, he wants to do something he should have done weeks ago, and he’s disappointed that it’s taken this long. He tells Cena to put on the Nexus shirt. Barrett says that if Cena doesn’t put it on now, Cena’s fired on the spot. Cena changes shirts. Man still looks good in black. Cena says he hopes that Barrett’s happy. Barrett’s his boss until Sunday. When that match is over, win or lose, Cena’s going to turn Barrett’s face to mush. Barrett says that he’s heard all those threats, and Nexus may be banned from ringside, but the moment he becomes WWE Champion, they will hit the ring and neutralize any threat from Cena. Barrett has Cena in his back pocket.
Holy God long wall of text is done, but RAW isn’t.
I hear voices in my head…
Orton merely glances at Cena before looking at Barrett, then back at Cena. Orton says ever since Cena counted 123 on him last week, all he’s thought about is putting an end to this by kicking him in the skull. Cena says that he’s right there. Orton says that he’s thought of a better option. He could take Cena out, or. Orton then takes Barrett down and ducks a clothesline before hitting a scoop slam. Cena and Piper stand in the corners as Orton pounds on the mat. Cena moves between Orton and Barrett, and then drops a foot on Barrett’s head before RKO’ing Cena. Orton sets up for a punt, but Orton goes for the punt and misses. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on Orton. Cena holds his head, and Barrett climbs back in the ring, grinning pretty happily. He walks up to Cena, who scowls at him, and then tells Cena to raise his arm. Cena lifts Barrett up and hits him with an Attitude Adjustment too. Piper raises Cena’s hand on the ramp.
Well, interesting episode, but not much of a build up for Survivor Series…
Next week, I’ll be at RAW in Orlando, so the RAW review may be up on Tuesday. That’s my plan! I’ll see you all next week!!
Man, it’s been nearly two months since my last ESW fix – these guys need to start putting on more shows, or alternatively, I need to start going out to their parent company, Maximum Force Wrestling’s shows. Several of tonight’s scheduled matches were set up at Overdrive on September 11th, including ESW Interstate Champion “Inferno” Johnny Adams taking on “Bad Boy” Barry Hardy, Johnny Puma taking on Ryot, and the ESW Championship match between champion Chris Cooper and challenger Brandon Thurston. Let’s go!
Hello ladies and gentlemen! The RAW Review is back this week, just as it was last week, and I’m frazzled. I decided to take on the challenge that is National Novel Writing Month, but I’ll suck that up quietly in peace and not bring it to RAW. Anyway, I’ve tucked away all the stuff for that for now, and I am focused on RAW! Just a side note, however, I am going to be missing the November 22nd edition of RAW, for I will be there LIVE when they come to Orlando!! So I may get a late review up on the 23rd or something like that depending on how tired I am. We’ll see how that goes, but why am I jumping ahead!? I have to get through tonight!!
However, before we begin, our very own ThinkSoJoE and Random Redhead’s birthdays are on the same day as Wrestlemania 27 tickets… Just an idea… 😉 There’s your plug, sweetie.
I hear voices in my head, they council me, they understand, they talk to me…
We start out RAW first thing with Randy Orton making his way onto the stage and into the ring. He says that he doesn’t think there’s a man alive who could take the title from him, but if someone did, he would accept it, but he couldn’t accept it if he lost it because of a crooked referee. Especially if that crooked ref just so happened to be John Cena. So, he’d like to ask Cena to come out to the ring because if he’s gonna screw Orton over at Survivor Series, the least he could do is be man enough to say it to his face.
BRRRRRRRRRR SLAM THAT DOOR!
Cena walks out and says that he will say something to Orton’s face: cut him some slack. He knows Randy is the WWE Champion, he’s been there before, they both have. Orton’s smart enough to know that championships are won and lost, they come they go, and he has a decision to make at Survivor Series. If Barrett beats Cena at Survivor Series, he’s finally out of Nexus, but if Orton wins, Cena’s fired. And he has to be the guest referee. Cena says that if there’s a situation, if something happens, he doesn’t … He asks if he sees all that chaos on unrest, but he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. He’s either free or fired. Orton says that he sees that, and it’s Cena’s bleeding heart way of saying that he is gonna screw Orton over at Survivor Series. Cena denies it, but Orton says that if he does screw Orton over, then he keeps his job, but he’ll be the biggest phony in the WWE. And don’t bother coming out talking about Hustle, Loyalty, Respect, especially respect, because he’s obeying Barrett and disrespecting every champion, including himself. Then, Orton tells him to get out of his ring, because Cena doesn’t deserve to be in it. Orton then apologizes and says that Cena can’t get out of the ring without asking his master for permission. Cena says that they both worked hard to get there, and that Nexus runs the show while Cena gets coffee. Cena says that Barrett may have enough skill to compete for the WWE Championship, but he’s classless, and Barrett’s the one who doesn’t know about respect.
We walk alone, through the unknown…
Nexus – now with their new members McGuillicutty and Harris, make their way onto the stage. Barrett thanks Cena for his kind words, and he gives Cena permission to say whatever he wants about Barrett because actions will speak louder than words, and when push comes to shove, Cena will do exactly what he’s told. And at Survivor Series, Cena will raise his hand as the new WWE Champion. Cena says that all he knows that in three weeks, it’s over. He’s either out of Nexus or, and Barrett says or he’s fired. Cena asks Orton if he can have a second with his boss. Cena says that in three weeks, this thing is coming to a head, and whether he leaves Nexus or leaves the WWE, he’ll leave Barrett a parting gift: when this is all over, Cena will beat the hell out of Barrett. Orton then says that he doesn’t have to wait until Survivor Series, and as far as Orton is concerned, Barrett’s a scared little child who needs to hide behind seven other guys, and he’ll beat on him until the only thing left for Cena to do is count to ten and declare Orton the victor. Barrett starts toward the ring.
“Randy Orton, as the WWE Champion, I feel for the position you’re in. You want to know what Cena is going to do, we all wanna know, so I think we should find out tonight. Later this evening, there will be a main event with Wade Barrett and a partner of his choice vs you, Randy, and a partner of your choosing. And the special guest referee is going to be John Cena.”
<COMMERCIAL>
@CawCawBang Someone’s going to get their head punted in
@thinksojoe No, Michael Cole, you may NOT have my attention. #BWF #RAW
@Niki_Sushi So… was Cole reading the ‘e-mail’ off of Microsoft Word?
@Lunna1969 And I quote, shut the hell up Michael Cole!
We return to WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater in the ring.
WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater vs David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd with Natalya
So, are these two actually going to split, or is this going to be teased the entire time? Curious… And I may be wrong. I don’t see Natalya.
Kidd and Slater start out, getting good momentum, but Kidd tags – see, punches – Smith in, and Smith dominates Slater. Smith hits the suplex on Slater, going for a cover, but Slater kicks out at two. Smith continues to dominate in the center of the ring, until Slater manages to get behind Smith and Gabriel tags himself in, getting a quick hit on Smith and taking advantage. Slater and Gabriel tag in and out, dominating Smith in their corner. Gabriel gets Smith in the middle of the ring in a headlock, and I see now that Natalya was not out here. Smith hits a scoop slam on Gabriel. Smith manages to get Kidd in, and Kidd gets a good advantage, hitting a neckbreaker before going for a cover, only for Slater to break it. Smith sends Slater flying outside of the ring, and Kidd takes advantage, dropkicking Gabriel out of the ring. Slater shoves Smith into Gabriel, sending Kidd flying into Smith. Slater then distracts Kidd, and Gabriel goes to the top rope and hits the 450 for the win.
WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater win via pinfall.
Smith yells at Kidd for a while, once again teasing the breakup.
Backstage, Cena’s standing there and Truth comes up. Truth says Cena got buck, confusing all of us, and then explains that Cena just stood up for himself. Truth then says when the moment of truth arrives, what is Cena gonna do? He says that he’s Cena’s friend, and Cena walks away.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Oh Hart Dynasty…ya dun goofed…again
@Niki_Sushi I was all pumped up to see Justin and Heath, but then a couple Harts came out and ruined it for me. Ah, dammit. #BWF #RAW
@seraphalexiel I wanna know when Truth and Cena got so chummy. Did anyone know they were friends before Cena became a slave?
@HitTheRopes Umm, that’s not what “getting bucked” means, R-Truth. #wwe
@kickoutblog I’d really like to see Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel lock up in the future.
The guest star tonight is PeeWee Herman. And just this song is driving me crazy.
It’s a shameful thing, lobster head, too many limes, too many limes!
<VIDEO PACKAGE: John Morrison assists Santino Marella defeat Sheamus.>
Sheamus says that everyone expected him to come out and throw a tantrum over Santino’s loss last week, but Santino didn’t beat him, he beat himself. Santino, he’s given you a week to bask in the glory of his fluke victory, but now he’s gonna pay. So, fella, come out here and try that one more time. And come out Santino does, in street clothes. Santino says that first of all, he would just like to say that he respects Sheamus as a human being. In fact, he is a little bit of a fan of his. Actually, he went trick-or-treating dressed as Sheamus. The only problem is that everyone thought he was a ghost. Sheamus smirks a little. Santino says that it was quite irritating and no wonder Sheamus is so angry. Sheamus isn’t grinning anymore. Santino says last night he consumed too much candy, and bad things happen. So, unfortunately, the doctor said that if he wrestles against Sheamus, he’s going to accidentally throw up in Sheamus’ face. He doesn’t think that anyone wants to see that, but the crowd disagrees. Santino says that he did find Sheamus a suitable replacement.
Yeah, you’re a stoopid boy…
Vladimir comes out and says that Sheamus talks funny. Now, Vladimir crush him. HULK SMASH!
Sheamus vs Vladimir Kozlov
Vladimir gets a good start against Sheamus, getting an early advantage, but Sheamus fights back. Vladimir wastes no time in getting it back, and Santino plays cheerleader for Kozlov. Sheamus gets Kozlov in the corner and gets Kozlov in the middle of the ring, hitting a back breaker and going for a cover. Kozlov kicks out at two, and Sheamus uses some rather Orton-like knee drops to the skull. Kozlov then grabs Sheamus and head butts his chest, going for the cover, but Sheamus gets his foot on the rope. Sheamus fights back and hits the Brogue kick for the win.
Sheamus wins via pinfall.
Sheamus then gets Santino’s hand under his boot and steps back, only for Santino to scurry out of the ring. Sheamus follows him, and Santino offers Sheamus candy in exchange for safety, then offers to give him money. Sheamus drops the money and continues to stalk Santino. Santino then offers him the credit card, and Sheamus chucks that too. Santino then offers to write Sheamus a check, but Sheamus shoves him backward, and then kicks his stomach. Sheamus lifts Santino, and gets ready to hit the Irish curse, only for Morrison to come to his rescue, kicking Sheamus in the stomach and head. Santino trumpets the fact that he’s okay, and Morrison watches him.
Truth walks up to Orton backstage and Truth says that he’s cool with Orton, but he and Cena are friends. Truth says that he doesn’t like what he saw, and he thinks that Cena’s already made up his mind. Truth says that Cena’s not going to let himself get fired, and he has a funny feeling that Cena’s gonna count Barrett victorious. Orton says that tonight, he’s going to make Truth his tag-team partner. Cena and Orton have never gotten along, but Orton wants to see how he treats his friends. Orton says that tonight, they’re going to find out that Cena doesn’t have any friends.
<COMMERCIAL>
@seraphalexiel Obviously, Truth’s new gimmick is Danny Glover. More hood, less awards
@Niki_Sushi Its a shameful thing, lost my shorts! Too much sun, too much sun! #BWF #RAW
@HitTheRopes When the Hell did R-Truth become Dr. Phil of the Raw locker room? Stop being an instigator, Truth. #wwe
@ThingsColeSays Hey Truth, who is Wade Barriet?
@FrankWWEClown “Odds are I will eventually throw up…….IN YOUR FACE.” –Santino #WWE #RAW
@bethsharae I’m not entirely positive that R-Truth speaks the English language.
Mark Henry is on the phone with PeeWee and says that things aren’t the same since Evan got hurt, because he’s not just his tag partner, but his friend too. PeeWee says that he felt the same thing with a splinter, and I don’t know what he’s talking about. Henry turns around and says it’s a great story, but he still has to find a tag partner, which is why he’s there to see him. Herman says he’d be glad to be his tag partner. Henry says that Herman is just the man to give him a big hug, and Henry crushes him. Herman says that he knows what may cheer him up, and that’s Diva Twister. The Bellas, Melina, an Eve. Dear, God.
PeeWee says he’s taking some time off from his Broadway show – the PeeWee Herman show – for plenty of surprises, and Lita shows up!, joining them for Twister.
<COMMERCIAL>
@HitTheRopes Thank gawd they introduced the Divas because this segment had *PAUSE* written all over it. #wwe
@kickoutblog Ya know, as much as I love Pee-Wee, it’s probably a really bad idea to play Twister with him. Just sayin.
OH, RADIO, TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW!
Well, Joe, you got part of a Ryder entrance!! That counts, right?
Zack Ryder vs Ezekiel Jackson
Ryder gets a small advantage, and Jackson takes that away without even blinking. Big Zeke wins.
Ezekiel Jackson wins via pinfall.
The main event is going to be Orton and Truth against Barrett and Otunga with Cena as special guest ref!
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Zack Ryder, meet your new pimp. Be sure to shave your legs and wax your bikini line; clients don’t like that shit.
@kickoutblog Ow, Ow, Ow… you know it! #BigZekeWillBreakYou
… PeeWee came out… but now I’m terrified.
Tonight’s secret word is ring. Apparently, we’re supposed to do something. And King is too excited about this. Scream, of course. I must have erased that from my memory. And I totally did just put arrested… Freudian slip.
AWESOME!
Cole welcome us to Miz-ville, and I want to punch him. PeeWee’s making some kind of noise in the mic as Miz climbs into the ring.
Miz says he thought RAW losing at Bragging Rights was the lowest point of the show, but he was wrong. Miz doesn’t like PeeWee – though Riley does – and he always liked He-Man. PeeWee asks why he doesn’t marry He-Man. Miz tells him to get out of the ring, and everyone screams. Riley tells him not to say the secret word, and Miz says that he doesn’t care about the secret word, and he wants PeeWee out of his ring – cue screaming. Miz says that he’s not a cultural icon, just a pathetic excuse for a man. Miz and PeeWee proceed to fight like kindergartners, and Riley says he’ll handle it, but Riley gets in PeeWee’s face and Miz has to stop him. Miz asks if PeeWee is stupid, and says that he’s Mr. Money in the Bank. Miz doesn’t care who PeeWee is, and asks if PeeWee wants him to beat him into a pulp, and PeeWee says that he’s shaking, and that PeeWee is starting to get angry. He’s a loner and a rebel. PeeWee says that they should not anger the P. He got his cousin backstage, and Miz mocks him a little bit. Miz says that’s so funny he forgot to laugh, and to bring his cousin and the whole Herman family, because he will destroy them all. PeeWee says that he’ll be out there to wipe the smirk off his face.
WELL, It’s a Big Show!
Show comes out in a PeeWee imitation suit, and I die a little inside. Show double clotheslines Miz and Riley out of the ring and picks PeeWee up. Pee Wee asks if they had a nice trip out of the ring.
“Miz, you’re not getting out of this so easy. You said you’d beat anyone in PeeWee’s family, well, tonight’s secret word is pain. Because you’re going to face PeeWee Herman’s cousin, the big PeeWee, next.”
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog If Big Show does the Pee-wee Tequila dance, I might have to stop watching wrestling since nothing will ever top that.
@HitTheRopes Okay, who came in and changed the channel. I could have sworn I was tuning in to watch WRESTLING. #wwe
@Niki_Sushi Oh fuck me. This is…. this is horrifying. Even Miz looks embarrassed for Show.
@RingsideRants Jesus, I miss wrestling. #WWE #RIPWrestling
@KKonvictionCom Oh it’s Pee-Wee. Hide yo kids, hide you wives, hide your husbands…cuz he’s rapin errbody up in hurr.
The Miz vs The Big Pee Wee Show
Show dominates Miz, which just hurts my heart even more than- no, less than that last segment. Show Irish Whips Miz, who ducks out of the ring for a moment, climbing back in the ring. Show then returns to dominating Miz, which we all know is because of his movie (alright, alright, I’ll stop being a fangirl. xP), and steps down on Miz’s throat, though Miz comes back, ducking under a clothesline and getting some hits to Show’s knee. Show comes back with a hard hit to Miz, then flips him onto the ground and hits a hard elbow drop. Show goes for a cover, but Miz kicks out. Miz looks a little dizzy, but continues to kick at Show’s knee, alternating between his head and knee. Miz hits a dropkick on Show’s knee, finally getting him down to his knees. Miz then gets Show in a headlock, holding it there tight. Show stands up, but Miz holds on, paying for it as Show falls backwards. Miz and Show both make their way to their feet, Show regaining momentum. Show climbs up to the second rope, watching Riley, and then dropping backward, only for Miz to roll out of the way. Miz then goes for the cover, but Show throws him into the ref. Miz attacks Show while he’s down, kicking him in the face before hitting some hard hits and going up to the top rope, aiming to knock Show down again. Miz goes up again, dropping his knuckles on Show’s head, once, and then doing it again for a third time. He goes for the cover, but Show throws him off again. Miz gets Show in a headlock, holding on tight once again. Show struggles to get up to his feet, flipping Miz off him and then clotheslining Miz once, twice, and Irish Whipping Miz and then throwing him over his back. Show makes a train noise and then runs across the ring, getting Miz set up for the choke slam, but Riley distracts Show, who uses the briefcase and gets disqualified.
The Big Show wins via disqualification.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Stand up for WWE, Celebrity Edition.>
Backstage, Cena is talking to Barrett. Barrett says after Cena raises his hand in victory, he wants Cena to clean his locker room: Sweep, mop, and then scrub Barrett’s back. Cena looks over and sees Otunga. Otunga says that Cena won’t be scrubbing Barrett’s back, because he’ll be raising Otunga’s hand. Otunga has more talent than anyone in Nexus, and more than Cena. Yeah, okay, Otunga.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar John Cena’s also gonna shave Wade Barrett’s back and Barrett will purr like a Walrus
@kickoutblog Pee-wee + Big Show + The Miz = wrestling gold
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Goldust and Aksana get married tomorrow night on NXT.>
That may have been a commercial, but it made me grin. Remember, DiBiase has a personal vendetta against Goldust for stealing Daddy’s belt. Which means daddy’s more pissed off.
Ted DiBiase with Maryse vs. Daniel Bryan
DiBiase starts to get an advantage, but Daniel eats his advantage with his feet. … I don’t know what that meant either. Anyway, Maryse walks over to Cole and says something, and Cole says that he’ll let us know. DiBiase tries to get the advantage away from Bryan, and does so after a hard fight. He gets Bryan in the middle of the ring, holding Bryan in a headlock. Maryse looks like she’s got something in mind, so keep an eye on her Bryan, and not a creepy one. Bryan attempts a LaBell lock in mid-air, but turns it into a cover, twice, and DiBiase kicks out both times. Alright, that staircase flip thing off the ropes was impressive. Bryan pounds the mat as he avoids DiBiase, getting pumped up, and then kicks DiBiase in the chest once, twice, three, four, five, six times. DiBiase counters a jump into a cover, but Bryan kicks out at two. DiBiase gets behind Bryan and tries for Dream Street, but Bryan gets him in the LaBell Lock, and DiBiase taps.
Daniel Bryan wins via submission.
DiBiase freaks out on Maryse and says that he can’t concentrate and he needs his title back.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog KILL THE WABBIT! KILL THE WABBIT! KILL THE WABBIT! #LeBellLock
@TheWWETweeter AHAHAH!! David Otunga just said he’s the most talented guy in @TheNexusWWE!! That was hilarious!! ..Oh wait.. He wasn’t kidding..? #WWE #RAW
@KeepItFiveStar #umad Ted. Its Daniel Bryan, there’s nothing you can do
Damn it. LayCool is here. I mean… No, that’s what I meant.
McCool says that she feels that LayCool got off on the wrong foot with everyone and she doesn’t care. They apologize for hurting the WWE Universe. They just need a fresh start, and the more they give, the more people take it the wrong way. Natalya, for example, is what they call special. She’s Canadian, and they’re going to be nice. They say that they’re going to give Natalya another chance at Survivor Series if she beats McCool tonight, but she won’t do that because they’re the best there was, is, and ever will be.
Diva’s Champion Michelle McCool vs Natalya
I really thought Cole was going to say it was time for the most exciting sixty seconds of RAW. I was going to cry a little as I laughed myself to death. Anyway, Natalya gets a pretty good start, but McCool yanks it away from her and beats the shit out of her for a while. Just when it looks like Natalya can’t get back in it, Natalya steals an advantage back and throws McCool into Layla, then moves out of the way so that McCool kicks Layla, and then sneaks a pin in there for the victory.
Natalya wins via pinfall.
We see a heart monitor beeping, and then Freddie Prinze Jr comes up, and says that the someone’s still in a coma, and he’s going to miss the election. Then, we see it’s Vince McMahon?!
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Michelle’s weave met some chlorine, apparently. #BWF #RAW
@kickoutblog Look out, women are actually wrestling on WWE TV. #SignsofApocalypse
@CawCawBang THERE’S NO TIME OUT IN WRESTLING!!!!!
@BrdWrstlngFn As much as I can’t stand these two – I love the gimmick. It works.
@ThingsColeSays Oh God. That can’t be good.
@FrankWWEClown Aw, Layla is crying. How dare you Natalya. #WWE #RAW
@YourBoyDrew Vince..I just saw you at the appreciation show, what happened within that one day? Haha
Freddie talks to Vince and says that at least Linda comes over to visit, and she’s dedicated, even though she spent $50 million on a campaign. I was right. This is the obligatory Linda for Senate segment!! Now Freddie has to break the news that Taker was buried, Nexus is stronger than ever, Cena’s in Nexus, Paul Bearer’s back, Goldust is getting married, and RAW’s being taken over by PeeWee Herman. Vince says next, Freddie’s going to tell him Bryan is US Champion. Right on the money, Vince. Vince pulls off all the stuff keeping him hooked p and says that he has to go to the bathroom. Then again, if his wife can run for Senate, he can run to be the President. Oh, dear God. There’s a Blumenthal sign on Vince’s butt.
Stephanie suddenly shoots up in bed and says that she had the weirdest dream. She asks Triple H to make sure her dad’s still in a coma, and he says yes, and Thank God.
BRRRRRRRRRRRR What the hell is Creative on tonight?
Wade Barrett and David Otunga vs Randy Orton and R-Truth with Special Guest Referee John Cena
<COMMERCIAL>
@HitTheRopes With the Blumenthal poster on his keister, WWE gave both candidates time in that segment. LOL
@RingsideRants Stay classy, Vince.
@kickoutblog Okay, Vince waking up after hearing his wife spent $50 million was pretty funny. Not digging the free Linda ads though.
@seraphalexiel D: I hate politics too. Go away
@CawCawBang Mr. Mcmahon is Mr. Krabs
@FrankWWEClown Cena would make a great ref if he wasn’t a Superstar, he just pulled out the tag ropes for this match. So vital. Eat that, Chioda. #WWE
@Lunna1969 Super Cena don’t look right in black and white stripes…
@KeepItFiveStar If John Cena destroys R-Truth I will love him for life
@ThingsColeSays Vince McMahon has lost his damn mind.
Otunga and Orton start out, locking up in the middle of the ring. Otunga backs Orton into a corner and beats on Orton for a while. Orton gets out, and hits a shoulder block on Otunga, getting him to his knees before kicking him in the stomach. He then Irish Whips Otunga and runs into an elbow. Otunga tags in Barrett, who gets a clothesline from Orton as he gets in. Cena gets Orton off of Barrett and Barrett takes advantage and rolls Orton up, only for Orton to kick out at two. It happens again, but Barrett tags in Otunga, who eats a scoop slam. Orton and Barrett lock eyes, and Orton drops his knee in Otunga’s face, then follows him out of the ring. Cena tells them to get back in the ring, and Orton goes to throw Otunga into the steps, only for Otunga to reverse it and throw Orton in. Cena tells Otunga to get Orton back in, and he does. Otunga goes for a cover, but Orton kicks out at two. Otunga tags in Barrett, who immediately begins stomping on Orton. Barrett gets Orton in a headlock, but Orton gets to his feet and gives Barrett a very hard throw to the mat. Both men are down and work toward their corners, Otunga and Truth tagged in. Truth hits a hard, two hard elbows on Otunga, then throws Otunga down. Otunga Irish Whips Truth, who jumps off the corner and does his fancy dance moves, and goes for a cover, only for Otunga to kick out at two. Truth throws Otunga into the ropes, and Barrett is tagged in. Barrett goes for the cover, but Truth kicks out at two. Barrett Whips Truth into the corner, and Barrett hits a back breaker. Barrett lifts Truth and punches him in the face, then going up to the second rope and missing an elbow drop as Truth moves out of the way. Both men are down, again. Truth tags Orton, but Cena never saw the tag due to Otunga climbing into the ring and distracting Cena. Barrett drags Truth over to their corner and the Barrett tags Otunga in. Otunga slams Truth onto the mat and hits an elbow drop, going for a cover only for Truth to kick out at two. Otunga tags in Barrett, Cena kicks Otunga to the apron, and Barrett beats Truth up a little. Otunga goes for a cover, but Truth kicks out at two, then puts Truth in a headlock. Truth fights back, and the two of them are down in the center of the ring after a double cross body. Otunga tags in Barrett, but Cena misses it because Orton distracts him. As Cena yells at Barrett, Orton hits the RKO on Otunga and takes Barrett out of the ring. Truth then gets the pin on Otunga.
R-Truth and WWE Champion Randy Orton win via pinfall.
For some reason, Truth’s music changes to Randy’s. The sound guys probably realized that playing Orton’s music made more sense since Orton really got them the victory. Either way, we end RAW with an epic staredown between Orton, Barrett, and Cena.
Overall, not a bad RAW, if you take away the scary ass PeeWee segments. See ya next week, ladies and gentlemen.
Last night was Hell in a Cell! Did John Cena join Nexus? Is Randy Orton still the WWE Champion? Was Daniel Bryan brutally mu-… I’ll leave that one to myself. Find out tonight, as Jackass star, Johnny Knoxville guest stars what is sure to be another amazing Monday Night RAW!
Nexus comes out and talks about their victory at Hell in a Cell. Barrett says the two men who helped were Husky Harris and Michael McGuillicutty, which didn’t surprise anyone. Barrett says he doesn’t know them and they aren’t a part of the Nexus. Barrett then scolds Nexus for going down to the ring and potentially causing him his match. Tonight’s about inducting Cena into Nexus. Please welcome, the newest member of Nexus, John Cena.
He comes out with no music, which is just heartbreaking, to be honest. I’m upset. I wanted to make a joke.
Tarver says the joke is on Cena, because he failed. They have a gift for Cena: The Nexus armband. Cena looks at the arm band and puts it on. Slater says they know the transition’s going to be difficult, but they’re all there for him. The public wants to know exactly what his thoughts are. He says that he will read the official statement they made instead of saying what he wants to. Barrett says it’s not negotiable, and he’ll read it and read it now.
It essentially says that he acknowledges that he’s a member of Nexus, and an enemy of Nexus is an enemy of his. Barrett says that Cena has to participate in a tag match with a partner of his choice against Evan Bourne and Mark Henry. Cena picks Tarver.
Mark Henry and Evan Bourne vs. John Cena and Michael Tarver
Cena starts off the match with an offer to shake Bourne’s hand, and they do. Tarver’s pissed about it, but Cena doesn’t look like he cares. Cena then tags in Tarver and climbs out.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar HEY! Where’s your Nexus Shirt Cena?! There’s a dress code damn it! Put it on!
@seraphalexiel I hope both men don’t suddenly get to join. The end of Season 2 was a failure for a reason, and it begins and ends with McGuillicutty
@Niki_Sushi Awwww. His own wittle armband. Are they slowly going to give him different parts to the ‘uniform’ or what? #BWF #RAW
@HitTheRopes Geez, Cena sure likes to pick on the black Nexus guys. Wasn’t content with getting rid of your brother, now he’s going for Tarver. LOL #wwe
@CawCawBang Cena got something planned I don’t like it
@TKeep123 I wonder if Cena gave any secret signals while he was forced to read his (confession) speech. (Viet Nam era folks will get it.) #WWE #RAW
We come back to Tarver getting his ass handed to him by Henry. Cena really doesn’t seem interested in helping Tarver at all, to be honest, even mockingly reaching for a tag. Tarver manages to get toward Cena for a tag, but Cena leans away, and Henry seems amused by it, toying with Tarver. Tarver goes to tag Cena again, but Cena jumps down off the ring and begins signing signs in the crowd. Henry picks up Tarver and hits him with the World’s Strongest Slam.
Mark Henry and Evan Bourne win via pinfall.
Cena takes a mic after the match and says that he’s gonna make his own statement. As the newest member of Nexus, he plans on doing one thing and one thing only: destroying it from within. Like no one expected that. Tonight, he proves that you can be Nexus and against us. He hits Tarver in the head with the mic, and then body slams Tarver onto the steel steps. Twice. Then he gets Tarver back in the ring and locks in the STF.
“The terms of the stipulation for your match with Wade Barrett stated that if you lost, you must join the Nexus. Now, Nexus is clearly a group that takes direction from its leader, Wade Barrett. And thus as a member of the group, John, you must also take direction from Wade Barrett. If you don’t, as much as I would hate to do it, as much as it would be bad for business, as much as the WWE Universe would despise it, I would have no alternative but to terminate your WWE contract. Mr. Cena, no one man, despite his popularity, is bigger than WWE. In other words, Mr. Cena, I will fire you.”
<COMMERCIAL>
@FrankWWEClown And who says Cena is boring, and not interesting? Are you watching this?! #WWE #RAW
@KeepItFiveStar Cena’s looking at this all wrong. The Nexus have a great benefits package. Family picnics, BBQs, and other fun Nexus activities.
@HitTheRopes We CLEARLY see Michael Cole reading from a paper and NOT the computer screen. #fail #wwe
@TKeep123 For months we can’t keep #NEXUS away from the ring, and now Tarver gets a beat-down and NO NEXUS to be found? #WWE #RAW
@Niki_Sushi Tarver is in Soul Sucking Position! YOU BETTA HIDE YO KIDS, HIDE YO WIFE! #BWF #RAW
@WWEsAngel_Nef Okay. Say what you want marks but John Cena has the best fans. So devoted. I actually love that they chanted ‘Never Give Up’ #WWE
Alicia Fox vs Natalya
No warning on this one at all, but good to see Natalya in the ring. Natalya hits the sharpshooter pretty quick, and Alicia taps. Great 30 second match.
Natalya wins via submission.
WTF? 30 second match, 30 second reminder of the guest star, Johnny Knoxville, and now five minutes of commercials.
<COMMERCIAL>
@RingsideRants That wasn’t even long enough for a bathroom break!
@CawCawBang wow that was quick
@kickoutblog My thoughts on Natalya vs. Alicia are longer than the actual match
@redsandman99 The good news is, Nattie won. The bad news is, the match was over in five seconds
@JoeyStyles What a match for Nattie…and I thought I finished fast.
Knoxville is talking with Gail and Melina, promoting Jackass 3D. Zack Ryder comes up, and Knox calls him a tool. He offers Ryder a high-five, only for him to get the shit smacked out of him by a giant hand. Knox mocks him a little.
Cena’s backstage with the Nexus armband again, and Josh Matthews comes up, asking what he’s gonna do. Cena says he doesn’t know. Cena suddenly takes off running after Husky and McGuillicutty, and Barrett says that there’s a lot he needs to talk about, concerning his future.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 FIRST time I was ever happy to see Zack Ryder during a Promo! “You know it!”…. #WWE #RAW #BWF
@Niki_Sushi Johnny Knoxville just wtfpwn’d Zack Ryder without even getting in the ring. I DEMAND WEE-MAN VS HORNSWOGGLE DAMMIT!!!! #BWF #RAW
@legendkiller515 damn zach ryder got his ass kicked and he aint even in a match #wwe #bwf #raw
Daniel Bryan is in the ring with his crazy ass music. God, I wanna punch him.
It’s a shameful thing, lobster head! … Too many limes, too many limes!
United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus
Sheamus beat the shit out of Bryan. Not even kidding.
United States Champion Daniel Bryan wins via disqualification.
I think. Sheamus hits the High Cross on Daniel after beating the hell out of him. Sheamus climbs out of the ring and starts back up the ring. Dear, God. Was RAW booking only Nexus and Cena tonight? This is ridiculous.
Anyway, Edge makes his way to the ring to supposedly apologize to the computer.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Oh. Damn. Forgot this fruit existed. Daniel Bryan, go awa-nevermind. GO SHEAMUS GO! #BWF #RAW
@kickoutblog Oh God, it’s the battle of wrestlers who don’t tan!
@KeepItFiveStar Did Daniel Bryan fail a Wellness test or something? Did he piss the Vegan police off? That was weird.
@Niki_Sushi OMFG! Who put a wrestling match in my commercials?! #BWF #RAW
@KeepItFiveStar “And THAT’s for fulfilling your indy dates while under contract!” – Sheamus after destroying Daniel Bryan
@TKeep123 Diva match… 90 seconds. Sheamus / Bryan 120 seconds… WTH? #WWE #RAW
And a Video Package of what we just saw, like fifteen seconds ago. Jesus Christ, RAW. I get that Cena joining Nexus is a big deal, but there are other Superstars…
Oh, God, Michael Cole’s in the ring. He’s now going to speak for the General Manager. I guess Stephen Hawking got pissed at the WWE for using his voice. Supposedly, it’s because of the events of the last few weeks, and will now communicate via email. So, the GM hates us all, is what I’m getting.
Awesome.
Before Edge comes out, the GM wants us to see the hilarious, I’m sorry, horrific events of last week.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Edge WTFPWNS the GM.>
The destruction of the GM last week was unacceptable. Two things are going to happen: Edge is “going to apologize”, and the GM will make a huge announcement regarding the WWE Championship.
You think you know me…
Edge, of course, says he won’t apologize. He’s on a personal crusade against all things stupid, and around here, there are a lot of things that are stupid. Michael Cole has been the personification of stupid since 1997. He’d rather listen to a recording of JR than a live Michael Cole. And if the GM thinks he has attitude, then when Edge becomes WWE Champion, then he’ll see attitude. The GM says that tonight they will decide the Number One Contender for the WWE Championship in a 20-Man Over the Top Rope Battle Royale. Don’t expect me to keep up with that. The winner will face Randy Orton at Bragging Rights. Edge, however, has disrespected the GM one too many times, and won’t be in the battle royal tonight, because the GM has officially traded him to Smackdown.
Edge says it’s the greatest night of his career, because he now doesn’t have to listen to a computer, or this tool say, “And I Quote.” Cole flips out, and everyone boos him. Yeah, good job Cole. Cole says that now that he’s the official voice of the WWE, Edge needs to treat him with respect. Edge asks if he went off RAW after spearing Cole into next week would be respectful.
AWESOME
The Miz and Alex Riley make their way down to the ring. Miz says that Edge will do no such thing. Cole is a visionary, the one person that realized Miz’ awesomeness before anyone else. Cole leaves the ring, tripping. Miz tells him to go back to the announce table. Edge calls Miz an Edge-wannabe. Edge then goes through the checklist of Edge. Miz says that that was an interesting analysis, but they’re nothing alike. Edge says that he’s right, because Edge has been WWE Champion, and has been married, divorced, had a live celebration. He hasn’t even seen Miz talk to a woman, unless you count Alex Riley. Riley says that whether Edge likes it or not, Miz is the future of the WWE. Edge says that Miz is awesome at tapping out to Daniel Bryan.
Miz says that if Edge is trying to agitate Miz, it’s not working. Miz is either going to be competing in a WWE Championship match, or leading RAW into decimating Smackdown. So, why doesn’t Edge go to SyFy and tell all his new Smackdown buddies that he’s the Miz and he’s awesome.
Edge then attacks Miz and Alex Riley, Spearing Alex Riley, only to get a Skull Crushing Finale from Miz.
Cena backstage with Nexus, and Barrett says that Cena did him a favor in attacking Tarver. He wants Cena to help him with tonight’s battle royal. Cena asks what happens if he wins, and Barrett says that he’s ordering Cena to help him win. Otunga sticks his foot in his mouth and gets berated for it, and then tells Cena to either do as he’s told or get fired.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 Michael Cole has to stand on a box to be seen? #WWE #RAW #BWF
@seraphalexiel Fool. Hide yo paper, at least.
@TKeep123 “I’d rather listen to a recording of JR than a live Michael Cole!” – Edge #WWE #RAW #BWF
@Niki_Sushi That’s….. three or four laptops now? I seriously hope that’s included in the budget… I don’t think Nextel makes laptops. #BWF #RAW
@HitTheRopes Hey Otunga, know your role and shut your mouth. #wwe
@bethsharae I love Edge’s crusade. I shall join him. I now destroy all things stupid. #Raw #WWE
Oh, fuck me running… It’s the Bellas.
Nikki and Brie Bella vs. The Unified Divas Champions LayCool
Jesus Christ, someone put a mic on LayCool. My head hurts bad enough right now… I have no idea what the fuck is going on, okay? I don’t even care anymore. Oh, and there goes the Switcheroo again. Someone kill me. Seriously.
Nikki and Brie Bella win via the same old shit… er, pinfall.
Maryse is backstage, talking to Knox. He says that he doesn’t speak Spanish, and she accuses him of sending the messages. Ted then walks up and accuses him too, and Ted walks right into the huge hand. Maryse throws her shoes at Knox, and then Maryse is hit by the hand and lands right on top of Ted. Knox is apologizing repeatedly, and then runs away from a very pissed looking Ted.
<COMEMRCIAL>
@StrikerSays Are you serious. You just put the BELLAS over your champion. What is this fuckery.
@KeepItFiveStar This match is already longer than Natalya vs Alicia Fox
@ThingsColeSays They have found a way to make LayCool ever more annoying. Well done.
@inkincisions WHAT IS UP WITH DIVAS AND THROWING SHOES ?!?!?!?!?!
@divadirt LMAO! Maryse continues the shoe-throwing trend only to get hit by a giant hand. There’s a very un-PG joke in there somewhere. #WWE
@legendkiller515 that big ass hand is funny #wwe #raw #bwf
<VIDEO PACKAGE: R-Truth and Eve Torres defeat Maryse and Ted DiBiase two weeks ago; the secret admirer messages start.>
Please welcome the guest star of RAW, Johnny Knoxville. Oh, Jackass 3D is in theaters October 15th. Yes, let’s put Knoxville in the ring. Because that went so well last time.
Knoxville’s talking really fast, is obviously freaked out by DiBiase coming after him, and tries to leave before he does. Too bad, because he’s here…
Knox says that he was just trying to make Maryse laugh, like Ted does… And proceeds to make a fool out of himself. Then smacks the taste out of Knox’s mouth. Then, it looks like he’s trying for Dreamstreet, but Knox just lays there like a limp noodle. Another message comes over the tron: You are mine. Goldust attacks DiBiase, and Maryse just stands there.
Goldust then tells DiBiase he doesn’t want him, obviously, and walks over to Maryse, who seems to be trying hard not to laugh. He does, however, say that he doesn’t want Maryse. What he wants, is the Million Dollar Belt. Only Goldust would send love notes to a belt. Seriously.
Next up: The 20 Man Over the Top Rope Battle Royal.
Here are all the guys I think I saw. I’ll fix it as I can:
John Cena, Mark Henry, Evan Bourne, Mr. Money in the Bank The Miz, William Regal, David Otunga, Wade Barrett, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, and Zack Ryder. That’s all I managed to catch, but I’ll do the best I can.
<COMMERCIAL>
@HitTheRopes It’s amazing how great Raw started and where we are now. #wwe
@kickoutblog OMG IT IS GOLDUST! HE WANTS THE MILLION DOLLAR TITLE!
@ThingsColeSays Hey Johnny, there’s a new joke going around have you heard it? What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAPPPPPPPPPP!
@StrikerSays So happy for the return of BIZARRE Goldie. He had dialed down to just “odd.”
<VIDEO PACKAGE: WWE Superstars and Make A Wish.>
King and Cole remind us that a shitload of stuff has happened… if you’ve been watching, you know. If not, scroll up. I’m tired of repeating the same shit.
And Cena’s backstage, brooding over the arm band. Otunga walks up and says that he knows he’s upset. He wants to tell Cena that Nexus isn’t all bad. Barrett is a bit demanding sometimes, but deep down, they can make it work. Cena may feel like this is the end, but it’s not. If Cena ever needs to talk, Otunga’s there for him. Just let him know.
Cole opens his mouth and reminds us of what we’ve already seen. It’s okay, Cole. I have the memory of a goldfish. Thanks a bunch, man.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Randy Orton punts Chris Jericho last week.>
Twenty Man Over the Top Rope Battle Royal
Fuck keeping up with this, so here’s who in the damn match. I’ll just tell you who wins, because it’s easier.
Participants: John Morrison, R-Truth, Santino Marella, Vladimir Kozlov, Sheamus, John Cena, Wade Barrett, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, David Otunga, Zack Ryder, William Regal, Evan Bourne, Mark Henry, The Miz, Ted DiBiase, David Hart Smith, Tyson Kidd, Darren Young, and Primo.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar CENA! WHERE’S YOUR SHIRT! You had time!
@bethsharae …. Truth doesn’t get to sing anymore?! HELL YES!!! #Raw #WWE
@HitTheRopes Otunga, don’t you pay attention!? Darren Young, Michael Tarver. What do they AND you have in common? Stay far from Cena. LOLZ #wwe
@legendkiller515 once again no one understands what the hell r-truth is saying in his damn songs #wwe #raw #bwf
Found all the damn contestants. I don’t know what’s going on… Don’t make me figure it all out. Cena eliminated Otunga, and now Barrett yells at him for it. Nexus just argues in the middle of the ring, and no one is aware of it, apparently. God, idiocy.
<COMEMRCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Why is Mark Henry asking why? Did he not see the first 10 minutes of the show?
@HitTheRopes I always wish for something unexpected like Santino to win something like this. #wwe
@kickoutblog Why the hell is Darren Young in this match?
@Niki_Sushi I look up to see Nexus, and totally went ‘GO GO POWER RANGERS!!!’ #BWF #RAW
@legendkiller515 this is the oddest collection of #raw superstars for a battle royal ive ever seen. most of them dont belong in this match #wwe #bwf
I don’t’ know what I’m supposed to say. The outcome was obvious.
Wade Barrett wins.
But, cutting his victory celebration short is none other than the WWE Champion, Randy Orton, who makes his way right up to the ring and right inside, like Barrett ain’t nothing. Which, he probably isn’t. Insert epic staredown, Randy holding up the title, and thus, RAW ends.
Proud of myself for getting this finished for you all tonight, even with a headache and some weird ass dizziness. Anyway, until next week!
Welcome to the season premiere of Monday Night RAW, the longest episodic TV show in history!… I typed that approximately four hours before RAW, so if Michael Cole says that, I may miss the first part of RAW because I’m too busy laughing at his predictability.
Anyway, courtesy of the RAW General Manager, Randy Orton will face John Cena tonight! And don’t forget, since it’s the season premiere, it’s also the return of RAW Roulette!
Randy and John are standing and staring at each other with the wheel behind them. Josh Matthews explains that this match can be anything. Eve spins the wheel, and the main event match will be… a tables match. Matthews reminds us that the last time Cena was in a Tables match, he lost to Sheamus. Cena says it’s a new season, and the WWE Universe is divided. And, tonight, he’s feeling lucky.
Please welcome OchoCinco, the special guest star, according to Justin Roberts! OchoCinco welcomes us to the Season Premiere of Monday Night RAW! He says that there’s never been a guest star as handsome as him. Tonight will be exciting, unforgettable. RAW Roulette is back and –
AWESOME!
Miz says that from one Ohioan to another, Welcome to RAW, OchoCinco! The Bengals are his team, and RAW is his show. It’s nice to have a guest star Miz can relate to: They both say what they want, when they want because they can. Miz says they have some things in common, and then says they don’t, because Miz is a champion, and OchoCinco will never be a champion because he plays for the Bengals. OchoCinco says he has two words for Miz: Child, please. Obviously, Miz hasn’t been to Cincinnati in a while, because last time he checked, the Bengals won something last year. The Reds are going to the playoffs this year. Not just him, but Tiyo and the rest of the team are getting ready to get a SuperBowl Championship this year. Miz says really? That’s funny, because the only thing he’s seen Tiyo and him leave before half-time. Anyway, he continues to hate on OchoCinco for a while, and the rest of the team.
“Enough talk. It’s time to determine the Miz’s match tonight. Please spin the wheel.”
Alicia Fox spins the wheel, and it’s a submission match.
“The wheel determined what kind of non-title match The Miz will have tonight. For Miz’s opponent, I’m going to place that decision in the hands of Chad OchoCinco.”
OchoCinco says that 85 represents the number of ways that his opponent can tap Miz out. And, of course, it’s Daniel Bryan.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Yay for generic rock music. Need to work on that muffin top, Daniel Bryan. You’re in PROFESSIONAL wrestling now, not the indy’s. #bwf #raw
@DCsPeoplesChamp If this Raw sucks I’m gonna riot…#BWF #WWE
@TKeep123 Miz in a submission match? Gotta be Daniel Bryon Danielson…!! #WWE #RAW #BWF
@sultrysunset ….. i want jim ross to punch michael cole on live tv. please… do it for me
@HitTheRopes Well I’m glad Miz showed up. Chad played off him much better as he was boring prior to Miz coming out. #wwe
Daniel Bryan vs. The United States Champion The Miz in a Submissions Match
Personally, I’ve been sick of Daniel Bryan for a while, but I’m putting that aside. Alex Riley is ringside in The Miz’s new t-shirt, watching as Miz keeps the momentum early. Miz gets Bryan’s knee around the rope and kicks him a few times, before the ref pushes him away. Miz gets Bryan in a figure four, but Bryan reverses and Miz crawls out. Bryan goes for the LaBell Lock, but Miz grabs the bottom rope. Riley checks on Miz, but Miz tells him to get off of him. Miz stays outside the ring for a while, not moving. He takes the mic and says he thinks he has a hernia. He says that to insure he can defend his title Sunday, he’s pulling out of the match.
Daniel Bryan wins via… forfeit/injury?
Miz says that if Bryan wants to compete tonight, he can go against Miz’s apprentice, Alex Riley. Riley climbs in the ring in a pair of jeans, attacking him.
Daniel Bryan vs Alex Riley in a Submission Match
Riley gets some good momentum, and then tries to get Bryan in a submission, only to get locked up in the LaBell Lock.
Daniel Bryan wins via submission.
Miz climbs in the ring after and attacks Bryan. Miz then rubs Bryan’s face in the title, calling him average and saying that he’ll never have the title. Miz goes for the Skull Crushing Finale, but Daniel counters it into the LaBell Lock.
Jillian Hall spins the wheel, singing Right Round, with Edge, and the wheel keeps spinning.
<COMMERCIAL>
@divadirt Jillian and Edge dueting on ‘Spin Me Right Round’ = priceless. #WWE
@JRsBBQ Miz tapping on the US Title..poetic irony. Miz’ gastro issues don’t detract from his talent. US Title match may steal PPV Sun in Chicago.
@HitTheRopes @MiketheMiz is so AWESOME he can self-diagnose himself. LOL #wwe
You think you know me…
Edge vs Evan Bourne in a Body Slam Challenge
Evan gets an early advantage, hitting Edge hard with a nice kick to the chin. Evan manages to get Edge’s feet off the ground, but he falls over, and Edge gets him down on the ground. Edge picks him up, and body slams him.
Edge wins via body slam.
Evan crawls to the corner, and Edge spears him.
“Congratulations on your victory, Edge. However, since you blatantly took advantage of your opponent after the match, I would like to see you compete in a second body slam challenge against this man.”
Somebody’s gonna get their ass kicked…
Edge vs Mark Henry in a Body Slam Challenge
Edge hits Mark with some physical blows, but Mark just shoves him across the ring. Edge manages to get Henry off his feet, but falls over with Henry on top of him. Henry scoops Edge up and slams him back down.
Mark Henry wins via body slam.
Mark climbs out of the ring and checks on Evan after the match.
Later tonight, John Cena vs Randy Orton in a tables match!
<COMMERCIAL>
@seraphalexiel I think the wheel landed on an ‘Evan Bourne loses’ match
@ThingsColeSays I could get behind a Mark Henry/Evan Bourne tag team. #justsayin
@TKeep123 Damn, if Edge doesn’t lose a tooth from that kick, I’ll be shocked! Look for fast finish! #RAW #WWE #BWF
Ted DiBiase and Maryse vs R-Truth and Eve Torres in a Song and Dance Match
Sorry, first off, to @KeepItFiveStar that Truth is on RAW. Each team picks a member to sing and the other will dance. The winner is picked by audience interaction. Truth shoots down his own theme and sings something else. Eve dances while he does. Maryse looks appalled and Ted just looks confused. Jerry says to put the camera on the dancing, and I have to agree. I have no idea what Truth is saying at all…
Ted and Maryse are up next, however. Ted says this is stupid. He says its Monday night RAW, not America’s Got Talent. No one wants to hear Truth rap. Ted says that he should just forfeit and walk out, but he’s not. And he won’t because Maryse knows that Ted’s full of surprises. Ted asks for a spotlight, and everyone is reminded of Batista. Ted starts singing something with no music, and Maryse does some weird dance thing… It’s painful to watch.
R-Truth and Eve Torres win by… overwhelming response.
Maryse and Ted argue in the ring for a minute before DiBiase and Maryse attack Truth and Eve. Ted demolishes Truth, but Eve is doing much better. Truth, however, gets the momentum back and Eve slaps Ted before Truth hits lie detector. Truth starts rapping again, and Eve begins to continue dancing.
The Bellas spin the wheel, standing alongside OchoCinco, and Regal gets stuck in a trading places match. OchoCinco says that it’s like switching jerseys with the other team. Regal is then informed that Goldust is his opponent. Goldust graciously gives him a wig. The Bellas start to talk, but luckily Sheamus cuts them off.
OchoCinco says he got an email from the GM. The GM said that if Morrison can beat Sheamus next, then Morrison is in the six-pack challenge on Sunday. Sheamus tells the Bellas to make themselves useful for once and spin the wheel. Sheamus will face off against Morrison in a Falls Count Anywhere match. Sheamus says that whatever-his-name-is, tonight he’s gonna show him what good reality TV is, when he wipes the floor with John Morrison is. Kind of like the Patriots mauled the Bengals yesterday. Because, unlike his team, Sheamus actually backs up his banter.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 Ocho Dingo, Fella!!! #WWE #RAW #BWF
@Niki_Sushi AHAHAHAHAHAAHA. Oh, Sheamus. All your witty one-liners are making me love you so much more. #bwf #raw
@HitTheRopes @RealKingRegal = Bloody Ratings, dammit! The man is pure comedy. @WWE can we get Regal in your next movie? Please? #wwe
@StrikerSays I’m having a mark attack for Goldust.
@CawCawBang oh god go away bellas
@RingsideRants This Ted and Maryse bit is actually making me laugh.
@dasharpshooters Wrestling where did you go and wtf happened to you? #wwe #Raw
@iPukeRKOs America we are going backwards not forward. Sad, we can understand everything Sheamus is saying but need subtitles when R-Truth speaks.
Edge is pacing backstage, and Ryder comes up and says that the GM has it out for Edge. Edge calls him a tool again, and Ryder says that he’s not a tool, but he will drop the hammer. Edge says that when he wins the WW Championship, they’ll both go MIA. Sheamus asks if Edge said he was going to win his championship. Sheamus says he wouldn’t hold his breath if he were Edge, and Ryder ruins the moment. Both of them stare at him for a minute. Sheamus says that he wants Edge to pay close attention to what he does to Morrison next.
Morrison is warming up backstage, and has a rather dramatic moment with the camera, before he gets to do some of his Parkour, apparently scaring the hell out of some of the guys backstage.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi ATTACK OF THE TOOLS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! WHERE’S THE GHOSTBUSTERS WHEN YOU NEED THEM?!?! #bwf #raw
@HitTheRopes JoMo dropped down and faced the camera like a superhero. #wwe
@Niki_Sushi @IAmJericho needs to come back and make this RAW worth watching until the main event. #bwf #raw
@TKeep123 Yes, Zack Ryder…..you are a tool! …..I’m guessing a rubber mallet. #WWE #RAW #BWF
The WWE Rewind is of last week when John Morrison made me hate him… And kicked Jericho out of the Six Pack Challenge. Asshole.
IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD! TOO MANY LIMES! TOO MANY LIMES!
WWE Champion Sheamus vs John Morrison in a Falls Count Anywhere Match
Sheamus gets the early advantage over Morrison, but Morrison keeps slipping out of the way. Sheamus hurls Morrison out of the ring, getting Sheamus to follow him before attacking his knees to send him face-first into the apron. He hits a hurricanrana through the ropes and goes for a cover outside, only for Sheamus to kick out at two. Sheamus shoves Morrison into the barrier, and Sheamus ends up getting hurled over the barrier, taking out a security guard. Morrison then leap-frogs over the barrier, punching Sheamus. Morrison goes for a cover, but Sheamus kicks out at two again. Sheamus hits Morrison with the Irish Curse backbreaker before driving his head into the steel, then dropping him on it and driving his knee into Morrison’s abs. He goes for a cover, but Morrison kicks out at two. Sheamus goes for the Brogue kick, but takes out some equipment instead. Morrison hits some offense back, but Sheamus takes the advantage. Sheamus then drives Morrison’s chest into the stage, going for a cover for Morrison to kick out at two.
Sheamus kicks Morrison around a little, and goes for the High Cross. He almost falls off, but he doesn’t. He tries to throw Morrison off the stage, but Morrison manages to flip and land on his feet. Morrison hits a flash kick on Sheamus and goes for the cover, but Sheamus kicks out at two. Sheamus goes for the cover, but Morrison kicks out. Sheamus lifts Morrison, but Morrison manages to get out of the way. Morrison runs into a back elbow, and Sheamus grabs a chair. Morrison jumps from the bottom part of the Tron, but misses the cover. Jericho comes out and hits Morrison in the back with a chair. Sheamus goes for the cover and wins.
Sheamus wins via pinfall.
Chris is sitting in the middle of the ring, and still to come: Randy and John will face off in a Tables Match.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Thank you @IAmJericho for making this watchable. <3 . #BWF #RAW
@FrankWWEClown Wow, unbelievable by Morrison. He impresses me more and more every week. #WWE #RAW
@RingsideRants I don’t mind a Chris Jericho – John Morrison program. Could be really good stuff.
@TKeep123 Even the Titan-Tron-Bomb doesn’t stop Sheamus! Take that, Free-Runner-Fella! #WWE #RAW #BWF
Jerry tells Chris that it’s RAW Roulette night, but Chris obviously doesn’t give a flying shit what night it is. Chris says he’s not going anywhere until he gets exactly what he wants. He will sit in that chair in the middle of the ring all night long if he has to, until he gets the restitution that he deserves, do you understand what he’s saying to you right now? He’s going to sit there until we get an email from the esteemed GM, an email that states the Six Pack Challenge is back on, and he has been reinstated back in the match. Taking him out of the match was stupid, expecting Morrison to replace him was lunacy, and he wants – and will have – justice. And if he doesn’t get what he wants, he quits. He will go home and watch as the entire WWE burns up in flames, laughing every step of the way. And if you don’t think he’s serious, try him. This time, it’s for real. So, what’s it gonna be?
Chris says alright, but he has to warn the GM: before he leaves, he will track down and find the GM, exposing his identity to the entire world.
Chris tells Cole to just read the email. And everyone cheers.
“Jericho, I really don’t like ultimatums. There’s no chance that’s going to work. No chance in hell.” Chris laughs here and asks if he’s expected to believe he’s Vince. Chris said that if Vince had some orders to be barking, he’d be doing it man to man. And, more importantly, Vince would realize that his most important asset needs to be in the PPV, so try again GM.
“There’s something you should know, Jericho. I will make this six-pack challenge match again, a six-pack elimination match. It’ll start with six men, and go down to five until there’s a winner. I’m telling you this because I’ve decided to put you back in the six-pack challenge. However-“
Chris cuts him off and tells Cole to give him his moment. Chris says he’ll let the show continue, and thanks him for finally admitting that Jericho is the biggest, brightest star in the company. Jericho then guarantees he’ll leave Night of Champions as the WWE Champion.
“Don’t ever interrupt me again. As I was saying, I am going to put you back in the six pack challenge, provided you win your match tonight. That match will take place right now, and since you are the best in the world at what you do, Chris, you’re going to compete in a handicapped match against the WWE Tag Team Champions, the Hart Dynasty. Oh, Chris, one other thing: This match is going to be contested inside a steel cage.”
Chris gets out of the ring and starts yelling at Cole as the cage is lowered.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi @IAmJericho vs Michael Cole plz? #BWF #RAW
@sultrysunset SHUT UP! JUST READ IT! fuccckkkk i love you chris
@FrankWWEClown “Of course you have an email, just read it, you idiot!” –@IAmJericho #WWE #RAW
Holy shit match came back quick.
Hart Dynasty vs Chris Jericho
Handicapped match, and the Hart Dynasty is taking off bad with the momentum. Jericho has to climb up, both of them, and Chris would have to himself. Jericho manages to stop Tyson and pull him back in, but David Hart Smith can’t help anymore. Tyson goes for a cover, but Jericho kicks out at two. Jericho throws Kidd into the cage, and then smacks him a bit. Jericho then yells, asking the Gm if that’s what he wants. The ref opens the door, and Tyson dives for it, but Jericho pulls him back by his trunks. Jericho then delivers a hard backbreaker to Kidd, kicking him before putting him in a headlock. Kidd gets momentum back, hitting Jericho pretty damn hard before slamming his head into the turnbuckle. Kidd Irish Whips Jericho across the ring, and Jericho immediately starts climbing, but Kidd pulls him back into the ring, beating his head against the cage and then throwing him down into the ring. Kidd stands up and goes to hit Jericho, who attempts to roll him into the walks of Jericho, only for it to be countered. Kidd goes for the sharpshooter, and Jericho reaches the bottom rope. Chris manages to get out, and Kidd starts climbing up the cage. Jericho realizes what he did and grabs Kidd, pulling him back into the ring, before Kidd slams Jericho’s head against the cage again. Kidd jumps down and Jericho locks him into the Walls of Jericho.
Chris Jericho wins via submission.
<COMMERCIAL>
@HitTheRopes Either the stipulation in that cage match was silly or DH Smith was silly for leaving Kidd in their alone…..Or both. *shrugs* #wwe
@inkincisions HELL YEA CHRIS JERICHO! THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT!!
@TKeep123 Tyson Kidd…..you tapped. Turn in your little Forehead-Goatee-thingy….. You’re dead to me. #WWE #RAW #BWF
@FrankWWEClown Oh my god, I thought Tyson was about to break his own neck there. I jumped off my couch. #WWE #RAW
That one guy in the Hall of Fame is in the crowd, but no one cares. Not even he cared. That’s sad.
William Regal vs Goldust in a Trading Places Match
Goldust is out in the ring looking like Regal, which is actually quite terrifying… And Regal… pulls off a pretty decent Goldust, though he’s pissed as it is. Poor Regal. When Regal takes off the robe, people cheered for him. Poor guy looked a little scared. Omg, and Regal does a Goldust impression… and Goldust has brass knuckles, punching him with them for the victory, that cheater.
Goldust wins via cheating-I mean pinfall.
Up next, Randy Orton takes on John Cena in a Tables match.
<COMMERCIAL>
@FrankWWEClown My hopes and dreams have came true, @KingRegal has come out dressed as Goldust. I have been waiting many moons to see this. #WWE #RAW
@AnthonySkatz Dear @iamjericho , after tonight, if anyone ever claims you’re not one of the 5 best wrestlers ever, you have my blessing to murder them.
@TKeep123 Hmmm…a new life for William Regal as Regal-Dust! Actually looks good! #WWE
@StrikerSays HAHAHAHAHA THE CROWD WOOOOED WHEN REGAL TOOK OFF THE ROBE.
@ThingsColeSays Boy, Nexus has really been all over the show tonight.
The Undertaker vs Kane for the World Heavyweight Championship
Daniel Bryan vs The Miz for the United States Championship
The Big Show vs CM Punk
Jericho vs Cena vs Orton vs Barrett vs Edge vs Sheamus for the WWE Championship – Elimination Six-Pack
OchoCinco is apparently going to be the ring announcer. Lovely. He’s bad at it.
Randy Orton vs John Cena in a Tables Match
Orton and Cena pause before the match to evaluate the crowd, apparently, before locking up. They break apart and listen to the crowd again. They go to lock up, but Cena gets Orton in a headlock. They lock up again, and Orton puts Cena in a headlock before taking Cena down with a big shoulder block. Orton takes advantage, and holy shit that was a good full body shot on Orton. Orton gets Cena in a corner and gets in a few good shots . Orton on the apron, and Cena pushes Orton backward, but Orton avoids the table.
<COMMERCIAL>
@ChandraLooney Ochocinco should never, EEEVVEERR be a ring announcer. He needs an RKO for that. @RandyOrton get on that please.
@Niki_Sushi @RandyOrton should be registered as a lethal weapon… a big, muscled sling-shot/pinball. #BWF #RAW
@inkincisions OMFG. PLEASE GET ON WITH THE MATCH!
Orton and Cena are exchanging shots when we come back before Orton hits a backbreaker on Cena. Orton keeps the momentum over Cena for now, stomping on him repeatedly. Orton keeps hitting Cena, who’s on the apron, and nearly knocking him off the apron before Cena gets back in. Orton is thrown around the ring by Cena now, who suplexes him into the ring floor. Cena and Orton clothesline one another in the middle of the ring, and are both down again. Cena lifts Orton as though he was going for the Attitude Adjustment, and then Orton counters with a DDT. He then pulls a table into the ring, setting it up in the corner. Orton misses a clothesline, but Cena this some flying shoulder tackles before getting ready for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. After all these matches, you’d hope that Orton could actually see Cena by now…
Cena hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle and attempts the Attitude Adjustment, but Orton counters with a few moves and stuff happens, and I was interrupted, and Nexus attacks. They’re all attacking Cena, and Orton RKOs Tarver, only to get attacked by Gabriel, Slater, and Barrett. Otunga gets an Attitude Adjustment, and Slater is sent outside of the ring and through a table. Barrett gives Cena a Wasteland, and only Gabriel and Barrett are left in the ring. The two set up a table. Barrett lifts Cena as Gabriel goes up to the rope. Orton shoves him off and through a table, only to be flattened by Barrett. Cena and Orton are in the ring, Barrett left as the only man standing. Barrett then lifts Orton, attempting Wasteland until Orton counters and shoves him through the table outside the ring. Orton looks around, repositioning a table before he drops onto his knees, slamming the mat. Edge and Jericho come out to the ring and attack Orton. Orton fights back against both of them, avoiding a Codebreaker and assisting Edge in spearing Jericho into a table set up in the corner. Sheamus comes in to attack too, delivering a hard hit to Orton’s face before throwing Cena out of the ring too. Cena hits an Attitude Adjustment on Sheamus before climbing back in the ring. Orton and Cena are both moving now, and Orton is lifted up, and counters Cena’s Attitude Adjustment at the very last second to put Cena through the table instead.
Randy Orton wins via RKO through a table.
Honestly, I think that’s the first RAW in a while that has actually had an ending to the Main Event match. Anyway, relatively decent RAW, though not exactly all that impressive. See ya next week!
NOTE: I didn’t vote this week, and our friend Jason who compiles and sends out the Power Poll was unable to provide comments this week. So, here’s the poll!
Power Poll 9/8/10
The ever popular Randy Orton took the top spot by a wide margin this week in the poll, while WWE champion Sheamus fell out of the poll thanks to becoming more of an afterthought. Life just isn’t fair sometimes.
1. Randy Orton
2. Kane
3. Alberto Del Rio
4. John Cena
5. Kurt Angle
6. Daniel Bryan
7. Kaval
8. Jeff Hardy
9. The Miz
10. Chris Jericho
The Power Poll is a weekly top 10 ranking of wrestlers as voted by members of these sites: BoredWrestlingFan.com, Hit the Ropes,NoVaWPodcast, Oh My WrestleBlog. Online World of Wrestling, PIZZABODYSLAM, Pro Wrestling Ponderings, Project Wonderboy,Ringside Rants, The Superplex, The Wrestling Blog, WrestlingAdikt.com, WrestleRage.com and Wrestlespective. If you have a wrestling site and are interested in becoming a voter, e-mail wrestlespective (at) gmail.com.
Hey, Everybody! It’s time for WWE Superstars again.
Match 1: Tiffany vs Co-Women’s Champion Layla (non-title match)
Somehow Tiffany is the number one contender. This is your standard Diva’s match. Michelle McCool interferes behind the referees back. Layla wins with the Lay-Out.
Match 2: Vance Archer and Kurt Hawkins vs The Dudebusters
Wasn’t Kurt Hawkins a Dudebuster in FCW? He gets the win over his former team with the flying elbow off the top rope. After the match, Archer and Hawkins tell the Hart Dynasty to pay attention and they will find them. I guess they are next in line for a tag title shot now.
Main Event: Zack Ryder vs Evan Bourne
Evan Bourne is the most exciting guy to watch in the WWE right now. He’s just spectacular. Bourne gets the win with the Shooting Star Press.
That’s it for this week. Join me again next week.
This week’s “Impact” felt like a complete waste of time in so many ways. Reviewing it in the traditional manner simply isn’t possible, as the questions and comments floating around my brain far outweighed all attempts at even-handedness. (more…)