Since my DVR selectively chose not to record Impact last night, I opted to give Smackdown a chance. Did it record? I hope so, but you wouldn’t be reading this sentence if it did not.
Probably the biggest story, or strongest, is that Mark Henry won the title from Orton last Sunday. It took him fifteen years to do it, and he has no inclination to accept praise from the fans. They never rooted for him before, so why should he care now? Let’s see how this episode unfolds, shall we?
Didn’t I just do SmackDown on Friday? That’s right, fellow Bored Wrestling Fans, this is ThinkSoJoE covering for the one and only Aly Kat (who just turned 20 this past week, BTW) as she’s probably stuck at work. Come to think of it, I’m stuck at work too! Difference is, I can watch RAW while I’m here (though I’m not really supposed to). Anyways, I’m excited at the prospect of covering tonight’s RAW as many experts are saying that this could be a very important night in one of the biggest storylines in recent memory. A few folks have said WWE could screw the whole CM Punk thing up tonight, but every one of them, and myself, are hoping that they don’t. Let’s see what happens!
Normally AlyKat would be doing her VERY excellent coverage of Monday Night Raw. But due to circumstances beyond her control, you have an opportunity to hear a much different perspective of the night from me. Just think of this as “A Ruff Look at Raw.”
Tonight I will try the live blogging again. I can’t remember the last time I anticipated a Raw this much. There aren’t any gimmicks behind this one; there is just a Raw I want to see really badly tonight. Let’s be honest. Last week was phoned in. This is going to be the true test. Do we get Punk unleashed? Might we even get Cena or Vince unleashed? (Hey, you can’t blame a guy for dreaming.) Are we on the brink of a glory period of wrestling? Rather than a “Golden Age of Wrestling,” we have an “Adamantium Age of Wrestling?”(Better than Gold or Platinum)
We have some questions to answer. Will we see Zack Ryder again? Will Alberto del Rio tell us it’s his destiny to be champion or something? How is Riley doing after Miz’ beatdown? What of the Nexus? And what about this potentially explosively legendary epic moment between Mr. McMahon, John Cena & CM Punk?
The WWE has announced Punk leads off the night with a live mic. This is either going to be “The Promo” or the infamous Matt Hardy promo where he killed his career in 5 minutes. The skinny young Bill Cowher walked to the ring with a megaphone. (Ring of Honor chant #1) Punk cut a great promo about how he has made the WWE relevant. And then John Cena comes out to a surprising pop. The two have a confrontation. This is still all about the match, not Tony Schiavone shooting on Mike Tenay.
John Cena vs. David Otunga & Michael McGillicuddy
God, are you mad at me? Maybe this is a reminder that the WWE has not gone a total 180 and is still a work-in-progress. I’d love to go on the details of this match. But it’s just the last 5 John Cena handicap squash matches. Again. I hate handicap matches. Unless it’s The Giant vs. Pez Whatley & The Gambler. No single person should ever pin the tag team champions cleanly. Can’t we give him Hacksaw Jim Duggan or something? As much as I hate to say this, it was not a bad match. I just hated the premise. It could have been worse. I could have been watching a Keith Stone commercial.
One of the biggest signs that something big was happening during Raw-Twitter crashed. (And something called a Home Run Derby) Dolph and Vickie are talking about the US Title. Drew McIntyre and Vickie both mock “The Boss.” And the Boss showed up. He books them in a handicap match against Big Show. So Vince is a face? And then Scott Stanford asks Vince what the rest of the world thinks or something. Vince tells “the rest of the world” they can go to Hell. So Vince is a heel now? He turns faster than the Acolytes/APA.
We come back from commercial and Melina is back in the ring. We didn’t get to watch her entrance?
Kelly Kelly vs Melina
The Bellas did commentary. I think that is the worst plague to be unleashed on Earth since Glenn Close on the 4th season of The Shield. Kelly finished Melina quicker than Goldberg finished Rick Fuller. And then the Bellas mocked Kelly for being too skinny. So Kharma was too fat? And now Kelly is too skinny? Make up your mind, Bellas. I don’t like the Bellas being in the anti-bullying ad. Are they characters or not? Too many blurry lines.
When we come back from break, Miz climbs on top of the latter and cuts a great promo. And of course he gets interrupted by Jack Swagger. And then Evan Bourne interferes. And then Kofi comes out and we see pyro (I squee). Then we get R-Truth. He is an Acrophobe (me too) and an Arachnophobe. And then Alex Riley runs out. And then we get Alberto del Rio. Then the Anonymous Raw GM makes a match.
We got to see Big Show and Bruce Campbell together in the same segment. Pure awesomeness. Too bad it was for Burn Notice.
The 6-man was hard to keep track of. It got to help further the PPV. This is what they call a go-home show. And they definitely went home. Alex Riley got the pin, so it looks like they are committed to strapping a rocket to Alex Riley. I sure hope he’s ready for it. And Alberto del Rio got to stand in the middle of the ring like he was going to win. That means he will not win.
Big Show vs. Drew McIntyre & Dolph Ziggler
My iPod froze during this match so I spent my focus on resetting it. This is exactly what a handicap match should be. Neither wrestler lost anything. Mark Henry came out and took Big Show through a table. It was a pretty good visual. I love this deadly Mark Henry.
Vince and Punk did their showdown. While Vince sat at the table, Punk paced around the ring with a microphone. Vince called CM Punk by his first name. No wonder Phil goes by “CM Punk.” Punk went over the provisions of his contract. 1. He gets to push Vince. 2. He wants to be WWE Ice Cream Bars. 3. He wants to be in Chaperone II. 4. He wants the Wrestlemania Main Event. 5. He wants Vince to apologize for suspending him. After much prodding (that included Colt Cabana & Luke Gallows), we had this:
“I apologize, you son of a bitch.”
-Vincent Kennedy McMahon
Then Cena came out to the ring. Before his music hit, we had “Colt Cabana” chants. (WTF? Was that real?) Cena regressed into 5th grader Johnny. But there were some moments where Cena would turn into sober, serious John. Punk called Cena the New York Yankees. (Oh, no he didn’t.)
I’m trying to think of what I liked and didn’t like about this Raw. I really liked the WWE’s focus. They needed to push a pay-per-view, and that is exactly what they did. The matches were sub-par. The promos were really good. I am feeling sold on the pay-per-view and I don’t know how this is supposed to end. I’m very intrigued.
What’s up everyone?! I’m on vacation in Chicago with @Niki_Sushi, as a birthday present to us, but I’m still gonna review RAW! No idea how well this is going to go, but I’m going to do my best, alright? Why’m I still going to do this review? No rest for the wicked.
Now that Cena has gathered a team to do battle with Nexus at SummerSlam, how is the shift in balance going to play out on RAW? And what about Mister Money in the Bank? Is he going to cash in on RAW, or is he going to save his opportunity until he sees the champion down at SummerSlam??
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last week: Nexus meets Team Cena.>
BRRRRRRRRRRR MONKEY POO!!!!
Cena makes his way to the ring. One day, he’ll realize that orange isn’t his color, I’m hoping. And he stands there… and stands there… And says everything’s better in Texas. Seven weeks ago, Nexus attacked and took over RAW with no warning. Superstars, commentators, cameramen, the Chairman, Hall of Famers, no one was safe. They did it for reasons only they knew. The point is, if Nexus wanted you hurt, you got hurt. Until last Monday. RAW finally said they have had enough. Friends and enemies stood side by side in the ring with one common goal: to beat Nexus at SummerSlam. You will see that they are not invincible. It’s about time, because the more they terrorize, the more power they get. And with power comes great responsibili-I mean influence. With more influence, they’ll start to take out the show. He’s not saying it’s going to be easy, he’s not Superman, he sees himself more as Aquaman. Jericho and Edge aren’t Batman and Robin. The idea of Khali walking around like Wonder Woman is just wrong. Cena photoshopped it, and it was very very disturbing. Every person on team Cena was chosen for a reason, and at SummerSlam-
BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!
I love Jericho… especially in a tux. Just sayin.
Cena points out Jericho is on the SummerSlam team. The crowd has a Y2J chant going, and Jericho looks a little confused. He says that he was standing backstage, biding his time, counting the minutes until Cena said what Jericho knew he would say. “My team.” “John Cena’s Team.” All week long, people have been approaching Jericho, saying they’re happy he’s on Cena’s team, and has changed his ways. Jericho wants to make something clear: He didn’t get involved to be a part of Cena’s team, to bask in the glory of a hero, or to shamelessly pander to a group of parasites. He got involved because of his personal problems with Nexus and Barrett, a man he molded from the moment he first came into the company. Jericho knows Barrett and Nexus, therefore he’s more qualified, and this is Jericho’s team. Cena says fine, and the team is sold to Jericho, at a bargain price. Call them whatever he wants. He doesn’t care; he just wants to beat Nexus. Jericho tells Cena not to patronize him. He will be honest and clear: the team lives or dies by Jericho. Cena knocks the mic out of Jericho’s hand, and Jericho looks ready to either run or smack a Sunkist bitch.
Cena says it ain’t about Jericho. It’s not about him. It’s about the damn business. Nexus has taken over the company. Last week, they got Jericho, they got Cena, whatever they want. Jericho loves the business, and that’s why they’re doing it. Does Jericho understand what Cena is saying to him right now? They have to co-exist. Yes, he knows Barrett better than anyone. Jericho is essential to the team. Jericho picks up the mic again and tells Cena never to knock the mic out of his hand again. Second of all, Jericho knows how essential he is. More than that, he sees the big picture. Nexus isn’t the only threat to the company. The other threat is John Cena. Because Cena is more like Nexus than he thinks. He walks around, interrupting whoever he wants, doing what he wants to do. The only difference is he does it with the support of the WWE Universe. Jericho is warning Cena: As soon as Nexus is gone, he’s going to take the next logical step, and turn his sights on Cena. He’ll either do it with his team’s help, or he’ll do it himself. Cena says he’s standing right there, take your best shot.
You’ve got mail!
Cena threw his hat. “Cena, Jericho. Your match against the Nexus at SummerSlam will now be an Elimination Match. The team that eliminates all the members of the opposing team first will be victorious. And in a preview of SummerSlam, the Nexus will face seven RAW superstars in an elimination match tonight. Your match at SummerSlam is all about teamwork. Tonight, let’s see how you, John, and you, Chris, function as a team against opponents of my choosing. And if you’re not down with that, I’ve got two words for you.”
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi The LOOK on @IAmJericho’s face is ‘I’m being cheered for. I do not approve.’ #BWF #RAW
@SadieandCompany Good grief folks, hold onto your socks. HBK is not in the house tonight. Sigh… #WWE #BWF
@RAWMysteryGM I don’t trust Cole to get me food, it’ll probably be moldy. He loves the Vintage thing RT @Tommyspud: @RAWMysteryGM ‘Get me a pizza’
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last week, R-Truth interrupts The Miz’ attempt to cash in Money in the Bank.>
It’s a shame that they lost their heads…
Sheamus makes his way to the ring, and Jerry says he is what the future of the WWE is all about. He sits down next to Jerry Lawler.
I hear voices in my head, they council me, they understand, they talk to me…
Randy Orton vs. Jey Uso with Jimmy Uso and Tamina
Last week, Orton won a triple threat match between Jericho, himself, and Edge to get the title of Number One Contender for the WWE Championship at SummerSlam.
Looks like the Usos are starting to really get up here if they get to fight Randy. Anyway, I’m kind of interested in this match. The two lock up, and Uso gets a hit to the face that takes him down. Orton keeps the momentum, punching Uso in the side of the head before getting Uso under the bottom rope, and dropping him up into it. Orton then pulls Uso to the apron by his hair. Uso pulls Orton’s head down on the rope, however, and then manages to keep Orton down for a cover, but Orton kicks out at two. He gets Orton in a headlock, but Orton stands up and powers out. The two exchange blows before Orton gets the advantage with a couple of clotheslines, and then a scoop slam. Jimmy Uso tries to help, but Orton gets him. Orton then DDTs Jey off of the second rope, and Randy gets riled up, slamming on the mat, and hitting the RKO. He goes for the cover, and secures a victory.
Randy Orton wins via pinfall!
Orton paid too much attention to Sheamus, and Jimmy Uso attacked him. Orton begins to attack back, and Sheamus sneaks in. Orton ducks an attempted kick to the face from Sheamus, and then RKO’s Sheamus.
AWESOME!
Miz runs out there with a referee behind him, and cashes in the Money in the Bank contract.
The Miz vs WWE Champion Sheamus for the WWE Championship
However, before the match can even begin, Randy RKOs The Miz, and it seriously looks like Randy just mouthed ‘mother FUCKER’.
Edge is backstage, talking, saying he can’t wait for SummerSlam. However, he wishes Ted was on his team instead of Khali. Cena comes to Edge and says he has an unstoppable unit, but Khali? Khali’s clumsy, uncoordinated, and not that bright. Maryse says that they don’t understand him, but Edge doesn’t look like he understood her. Ted says neither Khali nor Morrison deserve to be there. Edge says if he has to, he’ll force Cena’s hand and take Khali out himself. As he walks away, he passes Ranjin Singh.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 …and this could go on for a year! :} RT @markjamesbrand: Poor Miz. Thwarted again.
@Niki_Sushi ‘WWE’ is #9 trending in Chicago! #BWF #RAWSheamus and Miz are still in the ring, yelling at one another.
You’ve got mail!
“I found the team that will challenge Chris Jericho and John Cena tonight. The United States Champion The Miz, and the WWE Champion Sheamus.”
I just noticed, the briefcase is dented. Probably from beating Sheamus in the head with it.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Honkytonk Man vs. Ultimate Warrior for the Intercontinental Championship.>
Backstage, Edge is on the phone and Khali starts yelling at him. Ranjin says he heard earlier what Edge said, and he told Khali. Edge claims he never said that, and that he has nothing but the utmost respect for Khali. Khali grumbles something, or spits it, and it apparently translated to Edge is a nincompoop, and challenges him to a match right now. Khali manages to say: YOU! ME! NOW!, which is just plan dirty. Edge says fine. But if Edge wins, Khali is off the team.
<COMMERCIAL>
@HitTheRopes “I received another manager from the general email.” — Michael Cole. LOL #WWE
@RAWMysteryGM Cole screwed up my E-mail, I will replace him with Byron Saxton starting next week #WWE
@Niki_Sushi Well, Edge is gonna get a Great Fist up his ass and a pinky and index through his eyeballs. #BWF #RAW
The Great Khali vs. Edge
Khali comes out, and everyone’s dancing, and I’m so sick of that dance it’s not even funny. Lawler is gone because he’s going to be part of the seven-on-seven tag team elimination match later tonight. I hope Striker comes back on commentary.
Khali starts towards Edge, but Edge moves. Edge is then thrown into a turnbuckle, and Khali licks his han- okay, not really. He smacks Edge in the chest, and then manhandles him a bunch, throwing him into the opposite turn buckle. Edge gets up and manages to punch Khali a couple times, and then Khali clotheslines him, trying a leg drop and missing as Edge rolls away. Nexus makes their way out to the ring, and Edge climbs out of the ring, and into the crowd. Nexus surrounds the ring. Khali’s glaring at Nexus, and they make their way into the ring. They move away, creating an opening for him by the ramp. Khali cautiously gets out of the ring, and he backs up the ramp.
Later tonight, it’s John Cena and Chris Jericho against United States Champion The Miz and WWE Champion Sheamus. However, before that, it’s the seven-on-seven elimination match. I saw Yoshi Tatsu, the Hart Dynasty, Evan Bourne, Mark Henry, and Jerry Lawler.
<COMMERCIAL>
@BrdWrstlngFn Why did the GM choose to torment us by having Michael Cole on commentary by himself?
@HitTheRopes Dammit Edge, if you allowed the Nexus to beat you up, you would have won by DQ and Khali would have been off the team. #wwe
Seven-on-Seven Tag Team Elimination Match
Team RAW vs Team Nexus
Yoshi Tatsu, Jerry “The King” Lawler, Goldust, David Hart Smith, Tyson Kidd, Mark Henry, and Evan Bourne vs. Darren Young, Wade Barrett, Justin Gabriel, Michael Tarver, Heath Slater, Skip Sheffield, and David Otunga
Tarver and Yoshi start out, and Tarver gets the upper hand, throwing Yoshi into the turnbuckle. Tatsu runs at him, but Tarver scoop slams him, and eliminates him.
Yoshi Tatsu Eliminated by Michael Tarver.
Evan Bourne takes over against Tarver, and Tarver keeps an advantage, tagging in Justin Gabriel. Tarver was holding Bourne back, but Bourne used it to his advantage. He then tagged in Lawler. Lawler goes for a cover, but Gabriel kicks out at two. Barrett pulls Gabriel out, and they begin to work out a plan.
<COMMERCIAL>
@seraphalexiel Why did Tyson send Nattie to the back? She can handle the Nexus. And I don’t like seeing Jerry in the ring
@Niki_Sushi ‘VINTAGE LAWLER!’ You know what’ll be vintage? Your life when I figure out how to morph through TVs, Cole. Wait for it. #BWF #RAW
@SadieandCompany Love Jerry Lawler’s “Wonder Woman” outfit! He’s still fabulous!! #WWE #BWF
@ IAmJHPunk Dammit Bourne vs Gabriel would have been great! #wwe #raw #bwf
Jerry Lawler was eliminated during the break by Heath Slater, which is sad, but oh well. Tyson Kidd is in the ring now, and Heath Slater is taking a beating. The ref gets Tyson off Heath, and then tags in David Hart Smith. Smith kept him up in the air for a while before finally dropping him in a suplex, and then went for the cover, but Slater kicked out at two. Smith keeps the advantage, getting Slater down in the corner before Irish Whipping him into the opposite turnbuckle. Slater gets up on the top rope, and Smith gets distracted by Gabriel. Slater hits Smith from behind, and eliminates him.
David Hart Smith eliminated by Heath Slater.
Goldust is in now, and Slater get s quick advantage, but Goldust hits a shoulder block before slapping Slater around. Slater tags in Otunga. Goldust gets momentum, but Young holds his ankle and lets Otunga get an opportunity.
Goldust eliminated by David Otunga.
Mark Henry comes in and lifts Otunga before dropping him. Henry then throws Otunga into the turnbuckle, and Slater is tagged in. Slater is thrown around by Henry, who then hurls him across the ring again. Slater then tags in Young, who is clotheslined as soon as he comes in. Henry then hits a boot that actually hurts both me and @Niki_Sushi. Sheffield comes in and the two get in a yelling match for a minute. Sheffield then hits some blows on Henry, before going for his clothesline. Henry then drops him with a suplex, I think, and then again. He then throws Gabriel into the ring, before running right into him in the turn buckle. Turns out Henry forgot about Sheffield, who hits him with his spear-like clothesline.
Mark Henry eliminated by Skip Sheffield.
Only Tyson Kidd and Evan Bourne are left. Sheffield ran at them, and they both kicked him before Kidd went in. Kidd then was clotheslined in mid air. Sheffield tags in Young, who hits Kidd.
Tyson Kidd eliminated by Darren Young.
Wade Barrett comes in and runs at Evan. Evan then attacks everyone he can, but Wade gets him and drops him. Wade goes for the cover, and it’s over.
Team Nexus wins, seven to nothing.
Evan’s still lying in the ring, and they get him up, as usual, and then run him right into Sheffield’s Spear-Clothesline. Otunga then lifts Evan, and then drops him. As Evan lies there, Justin gets up on the top rope, hitting the 450 Splash.
Barrett gets the mic, and says that what they just saw was an act of total domination. The Nexus has always been 100% behind the common purpose. Cena, or Jericho’s team is already showing cracks. The cracks are due to their individual egos and agendas. Barrett assures us that come SummerSlam, the cracks are going to destroy the team. Sheffield says that he has a team of individuals who have no singular focus. No member of Cena’s team is willing to sacrifice themselves for the betterment of the group, like Nexus will do and has done. What Cena’s looking at is the Nexus. And they are unbreakable. Tarver takes the mic and says that SummerSlam will be no different than tonight. They will eliminate everyone until there’s only one person left, and Tarver hopes it’s Cena. They’ll treat him like a piece of meat, until they’ve all had their fill. They’ll pounce, and when they do, they’ll put him out of his misery. And then it’ll be over, mercifully for Cena, in more ways than one.
Miz is sitting backstage, massaging his forehead from the RKO, and then Sheamus comes up. Sheamus starts hating on Miz, and says that Miz is dreaming if he thinks that he can beat Sheamus. Miz just stares at him. Sheamus asks if Miz thinks he can, just name the time and place. Miz says how about tonight, immediately after they face Cena and Jericho. After Miz wins that match, and throws Sheamus back in the ring. After Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment, and Jericho puts him in the Walls of Jericho, and he’s screaming in pain… Miz has a really good Irish accent, btw, and then Miz cashes in on Sheamus. Sheamus says if Miz keeps pushing him, he’ll make him regret it, and knocks the briefcase across the room. Miz looks around and then scoffs.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog When Michael Tarver speaks, you better listen, but don’t look directly into his eyes or else he’ll consume your soul.
@HitTheRopes A clothesline took out the “World’s Strongest Man”? Really? #wwe
@Niki_Sushi Little Known Fact: Mark Henry and Skip Sheffield have a rap battle every night over drinks.
@TKeep123 Team Steroid vs. Team Jobber ….. outcome as expected. #WWE #RAW #BWF
@BrdWrstlngFn Come on WWE, pull the trigger – you know you want The Miz as the WWE Champion!
@kellylynndobson To Barrett Bourne must have weighed nothing after botching kool aid last week. #bwf
Brie Bella with Nikki Bella vs. Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox
Dear God… It’s the Bellas. Jerry is, however, finally back, so we don’t just have to listen to Cole. The Bellas are dressed alike, so I smell a Switcheroo. Jillian came out to stop the twins from doing said Switcheroo, and Nikki nearly pinned Alicia, but Alicia came back and hit her with her finisher, whatever it’s called.
Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox wins via pinfall!
Someone made the mistake of letting Jillian pick up a mic. Jillian says that she has a gift for Alicia, and she’s gonna sing. She’s singing a fucked up version of We Are the Champions by Queen, but Alicia hits her with her finisher too, and another stupid segment is ended.
<COMMERCIAL>
@dasharpshooters Whores are forever, and so are the Bella Twins. #wwe #raw #bwf
@IAmJHPunk How does Jillian still have a job?! #wwe #raw #bwf
R-Truth is out, screaming his constant question, to be on commentary. Anyway.
Ted DiBiase with Maryse vs. John Morrison
DiBiase and Morrison lock up, as Cole questions Truths’ motives. Maryse grabbed Morrison, and allowed DiBiase to get a chance to beat him up a little. DiBiase goes for a cover, but Morrison kicks out at two. I don’t really care what Truth says, stop focusing on him. DiBiase went for another cover, but Morrison kicked out. DiBiase gets Morrison in a headlock, but Morrison fights out, only to get beat up a bit. Morrison fights back, and Morrison hits DiBiase with his spinny-kick thing, and DiBiase kicks at Morrison. Morrison hits his flying chuck, and goes to the corner, but Maryse gets on the apron and distracts Morrison. DiBiase puts his feet on the rope to try to cover Morrison, but Truth shoves his feet off. DiBiase attacks Truth, and then Morrison tries to take advantage, only to kick Morrison in the face. DiBiase manages to pin Morrison for the win.
Ted DiBiase wins via pinfall!
Truth and Morrison start arguing in the ring, about Truth’s interference, and Morrison leaves, obviously upset, further creating cracks in Team Cena or Team Jericho. Cena’s watching this, worried about how this is going to affect the team. Truth admits that it was his bad, but Morrison doesn’t look impressed.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar His name is NOT “Jo Mo Fo Sho” it’s John Morrison. Don’t bring him down to your level.
@BrdWrstlngFn Can we get Alicia Fox out here to kick R-Truth too?
@dasharpshooters Morrison turning heel? Hope so. #wwe raw #bwf
@KeepItFiveStar Ted DiBiase’s purple tights are made from actual skin from Grimace. It’s amazing what money can buy.
“Rip It Up” by Jet is the official SummerSlam theme song!
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Team Nexus? Meet Team Cena (Jericho).>
Lawler has a Cena Slurpee cup with a Triple H straw…
Josh Matthews is backstage with Randy Orton now! He says that earlier, Randy prevented Miz from cashing in. Orton says that before he RKO’d Miz, he RKO’d Sheamus. T he message he sent tonight was clear: the question of who will be champion walking into SummerSlam doesn’t matter, because the question of who’s leaving as champion will be answered with an RKO.
AWESOME!
United States Champion The Miz and WWE Champion Sheamus vs John Cena and Chris Jericho
<COMMERCIAL>
@RAWMysteryGM Spoiler Alert: Miz opens next week’s RAW with the World Heavyweight championship explaining why he cashed in on Kane on Smackdown #WWE
@kickoutblog Y2J chant? Get out of 1999 you parasitic tapeworms!
It’s a shame that they lost their heads…
Sheamus comes out, and there’s already tension between Miz and Sheamus, and everyone knows Jericho and Cena were going to have tension…
Both teams are arguing over who’s going to start the match. I saw Miz go, “Okay, you start it? You start it?” and then run to attack Cena. Cena hits a bulldog by the time I look up, and Miz rolls out of the ring. Miz then tags in Sheamus, who blends in with the ring ropes. They lock up, and Sheamus gets the advantage, keeping Cena in a headlock, but Cena powers out and puts Sheamus in a headlock. Cena hits the shoulder block, and then shoves Sheamus in the corner. Cena holds his hand out and Jericho tags in, cornering Sheamus, before Sheamus turns it around on Jericho. A Y2J chant is starting up, and it makes me happy. Jericho hits a missile dropkick on Sheamus before standing on both Sheamus and the ropes. Jericho gets a kick in the stomach before some moves are exchanged and Sheamus gets flipped out of the ring. Jericho clears the ring, and then Miz mocks Sheamus outside the ring.
<COMMERCIAL>
We come back to Cena and Sheamus, just in time for Cena to get a huge clothesline. Sheamus tags in Miz, but Cena gets the advantage and goes for a cover, only for Miz to kick out. Jericho comes in off the tag and knees Miz right in the nose. Jericho bounces around and goes for a cover, only to try for the Walls of Jericho. Sheamus goes to attack Jericho, but Jericho ducks and finally manages to hit the Lionsault on Sheamus, but Miz takes advantage. Miz gets Chris up and back into his corner, kicking him before Sheamus tags himself in. Sheamus then attacks Chris in the same way, pandering more to Miz than the crowd, as the Miz chokes Chris on the apron as Sheamus distracts the ref. Sheamus clotheslines Jericho and goes for a cover, but Jericho kicks out. Sheamus gets Jericho in a headlock after that, and Jericho gets to his feet and powers out. Sheamus drops Jericho onto his knee and then goes for the cover, but Jericho kicks out at two. Sheamus gets Jericho back to his feet, and then drops him again. Sheamus tags Miz in, and Miz drops his boot on Jericho’s back before hitting him with some forearms. Miz then keeps Jericho on the rope, and slams his throat into it. Miz goes for a cover, but Jericho grabs the rope. Miz then gets a kick to the chin, and then a missile dropkick from the top rope. Cena is yelling at Jericho to tag him, and Miz rolls over to tag in Sheamus. Sheamus then gets Jericho in a headlock, and Cena seems to be trying to walk Jericho through it on the apron. Jericho manages to get up and power out of the headlock and Miz tags his way in. Miz then bounces Jericho’s head off the turnbuckle, and beats him in the corner. The ref forces Miz off, and then Miz yells at him before attempting his swinging corner clothesline, only for Jericho to win.
Miz is slowly rolling to Sheamus, as Jericho crawls to Cena, and it’s now Cena and Sheamus. Cena takes Sheamus down with some shoulder blocks. Cena then sets up and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Miz distracts the ref, and Chris is in the ring too. Chris hits the Code Breaker on Cena, Miz tags in himself, and goes for the cover on Cena.
The United States Champion The Miz and the WWE Champion Sheamus win via pinfall.
Miz already starts walking out of the ring and away from them. Jericho is watching Cena, before climbing back in the ring. Jericho then puts Cena in the Walls of Jericho. Cena flips it and puts Jericho into the STF. Jericho taps, but Khali comes in, trying to talk some sense into them. Edge then hits a Spear on Khali. Cena asks what the hell Edge is doing only for Morrison and Truth to come in. Team Cena/Jericho/whatever is all arguing in the ring. Khali then hits Morrison and Edge, and then everyone tries to tell Khali to stop. Jericho starts screaming at all of them too, telling everyone to stay down.
Looks like the tension on Team Cena/Jericho/YankeeDoodleDandy is going to make everyone a little crazy. How will Nexus take advantage of this? Will Miz ever cash in the Money in the Bank contract, or is he just going to hold onto it forever until the year mark and then cash it in? Later, BWF tweeters.
Hey everybody! Sorry about the lack of a RAW review last week. I had some computer troubles. But, I have a new laptop now, and I’m back in business. For more frequent updates as to why I’m not doing what I’m supposed to, make sure you follow me on Twitter: @TheMizMagnet. This week, Rob Zombie hosts!! Not only that, but what are the consequences supposed to be for the NXT Rookies attacking Mr. McMahon? What about this new GM? Who the hell is he… or she?!
Last Monday, the NXT Rookies surrounded Referee!Vince in the ring and then violently/brutally, whatever you wanna call it, attacked him, leaving him motionless in the ring as they all stood over him.
We start off RAW with no theme music. We’re told that we know nothing so far about Vince’s condition, but we’ll be updated if anything new is discovered tonight. Also, the NXT Season One Rookies want to be called Nexus, and Wade Barrett is at WWE HQ to plead his case and what not. The new anonymous General Manager says that the Nexus’ actions would be met with the appropriate consequences.
It’s a shame that they lost their heads, a careless man who could wind up dead...
Sheamus comes out to the ring and says that he watched the footage of Nexus beating Vince several times and he has to say he’s disgusted. He’s disgusted about what went down. So, as the WWE Champion, he felt it was his responsibility to make a statement on behalf of the company: the champ is here. Even though the Nexus lads got involved in his match, eveyone knows he would have beaten Cena regardless, and he would have proved he’s worthy of the Championship. He knows it’s unfortunate when it happens, but one important thing came out of it: Cena’s not the #1 Contender for the belt, and why? because he used his rematch clause. It means that he no longer has to look at the tacky orange t-shrits, no longer does he have to listen to the never-give-up slogans, and no longer does he have to listen to the WWE Universe chant “Cena” every week like parrots. No longer does he have to listen to Cena make fun of his beautiful Irish skin by calling him a human jar of mayo. He hates Cena. Cena can get to the back of the queue, like everyone else, because he’s through and he’s never gonna get a shot at Sheamus’ gold ever again.
BRRRRRRRRRRRRR SHABADOO!!!!
Cena makes his way to the ring and just stands there for a couple minutes, grinning and listening to the crowd. Sheamus asks him what he’s doing there, and says that he’s not going to get another shot at him or his belt again. Cena says that he knows and he didn’t come out there for that. He came out here to ask for help. Everybody here saw how Sheamus won the Championship, everyone saw how he kept it. It’s the group calling themselves Nexus. They made a target out of him because he was the WWE Champion, and they’re coming after the human jar of Mayo, Philly’s own giant block of cream cheese, the WWE Champion, Sheamus. Cena says he’s gonna cut to thee chase: They don’t like each other. Sheamus is tough as nails and can fight. Wanna keep the championship? His career? Then help Cena right now. They are going to start off RAW the way they should, for one night only, they fight, side by side, right now because Cena’s calling out Nexus, and they’re gonna start off RAW with a brawl.
However, an email sound comes on and Michael Cole stands up and says that he has an email. He’s like the new AOL guy: Welcome. I’ve got mail! Anyway, the email says, and Cole quotes (though I don’t, because that was a lot to type at once with Cole’s voice giving me a migraine), “I’ll wait until next week to take action agaisnt Nexus. I will allow spokesman Barrett time to present his case to WWE Officials. However, as far as tonight is concerned, if any membner of that group makes any contact with any WWE Superstar, they will be terminated. However, if any WWE Superstar initiates contact, they will be suspended.”
Cena thanks the anonymous General Manager. He says that it’s not a total loss, because they’ve learned something about Sheamus. He’s not just pale skin, and he’s a good dude. Honestly, he’s a pretty good guy. Sheamus was thinking to himself that they should have started RAW with a brawl, but, since they can’t, they’re thinking that they should start of RAW with a WWE Championship match!
The email sound comes again and Cole repeats that he has an email. None of us are, apparently, intelligent enough to know what that sound means. This email says that the WWE Championship, Sheamus will be in action tonight, but it’ll be against Mark Henry.
Cena explodes here (metaphorically speaking. Sorry to disappoint some of you). He claims his life is being ruined by the internet, and he hasn’t freaked out this bad since his mom cancelled his Warcraft subscription. He says that the GM should email him directly… at… candypants264@gmail.org. He goes on, but Cole has to tell us he has an email, so I missed it. The email says that in three weeks, there is a new PayPerView called Money in the Bank, where the winner will receive a contract for a WWE Title match that they can cash in at any time. You know, the same stipulations participants get at Wrestlemania. He says that the eight participants for the RAW match will be revealed later tonight, and he would like to demonstrate. Sheamus says the General Manager can demonstrate all he wants, because Shemaus has wasted enough of his time there and he’s out of there. In the ring, the cage starts to lower. The email goes on and says that since last week’s title match ended inconclusively, Sheamus will face John Cena at Money in the Bank for the WWE Championship in a Steel Cage match.
<COMMERCIAL>
Six Person Tag Match: The Unified Tag Team Champions David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd with Natalya vs
As the Hart Dynasty comes out to the ring, the Usos come out and lay the Hart Dynasty out. They start to go back up the ramp, but Tamina runs down and throws Natalya in the ring, hitting her with the Superfly Splash.
Backstage, Josh Matthews asks R-Truth what actions he thinks should be taken against Nexus. Truth says that they’re behaving like wild, untamed animals. He says not to fire them because that’s too easy. He tells Josh to leave them there at the WWE Zoo, where he’s the zookeeper. And that’s the Truth.
<COMMERCIAL>
Vladimir Kozlov vs Santino Marella – If Santino wins, then Vladimir will be Santion’s tag partner
Vladimir is already in the ring, and this match is pretty quick as we move through Santino entering the ring. Santino goes for a lot of moves, Kozlov just brushes him off, blah blah blah, Kozlov ends up pinning Santino.
Vladimir Kozlov Wins!
Kozlov seems to be amused as he keeps helping Santino up only for him to fall back down. He starts to head up the ramp when William Regal comes out, shakes Kozlov’s hand, and then runs into the ring and attacks Santino. Kozlov goes back into the ring and attacks Regal. Then, he carries Santino right out of the ring and up the ramp.
Backstage, Josh Matthews interviews The Great Khali, asking him what actions he thinks should be taken against Nexus. Khali says something, but Ranjin Singh just says that Khali says that he’s a big, stupid giant and his manager is really tired of protecting him. If Nexus were to come up right now, Khali would run.
<COMMERCIAL>
Tomorrow night, the second season of NXT gets their first votes!!
Tonight’s guest host is a five-time Grammy nominated musician, a screen writer, a producer, and actor, he’s Rob Zombie! He’s also the anniversary guest host, so to speak, for this is one year to the week of the first Guest Host! Rob Zombie says he’s there because he loves sick and twisted things, like the sick and twisted things that go on in the ring, like Money in the Bank. He’s there to announce the Money in the Bank Ladder Match participants for RAW: Randy Orton, The United States Champion, The Miz, R-Truth, Chris Jericho, Evan Bounre, Ted DiBiase, John Morrison and… this guy.
Edge shows up on the TitanTron and says that he hasn’t talked to Rob Zombie since he dumped his entrace theme. Rob Zombie says that he wants to set the record straight. He took his song back because he couldnt’ stand to have Edge destroy it. He starts to leave the ring and Edge asks him if that’s it. Did he scare away the horror director, the astro-creep? All that matters is that he won the first ever MitB, and cashed it in on Cena and won his first WWE Championship. Don’t we remember that? Why doesn’t he remind us?
<Video Package: WrestleMania 21, 2005: Edge wins Money in the Bank. 10 Months Later, Revolution 2006: Edge comes out to cash in Money in the Bank & wins WWE Championship against Cena>
Yeah, Edge did that. He did it and he had so much fun doing it, that he did it years later against the Undertaker. That’s what he was talking about last week when he speared Orton and said now the fun begins because Edge owns Money in the Bank. And he’s gonna show everyone just how twisted he can be ’cause you wanna know what happens when a Viper runs into a guy with a 20 foot ladder? The Viper gets his head crushed before he can strike. And Edge is going to do that to every other participant in that match, and at the end of the match, they will all be staring up at him.
The infamous email sound comes up and Cole says that tonight’s main event will feature all eight Money in the Bank participants in an Eight Man Tag Team Mega Match! Edge, The United States Champion, The Miz, Ted DiBiase, and Chris Jericho will face Evan Bourne, John Morrison, R-Truth, and Randy Orton.
Next: Mark Henry v Sheamus
<COMMERCIAL>
WWE Champion Sheamus vs Mark Henry
Mark Henry comes out with his rookie, Lucky Cannon, who goes backstage right after. The match starts with Sheamus gaining control until Henry shoves him. Sheamus and Henry exchange hits (if you wanna call it that), and Sheamus hits Henry with a DDT. He goes for the cover, but Henry kicks out a two. Sheamus drops his knee on Henry’s face, and then hits his chest a few times before going for another cover. Henry kicks out at two again. Sheamus gets Henry in a headlock, but then gets backed into a corner. As usual, Sheamus goes for Henry’s knee and tries to take him down with clotheslines before Henry hits one. Henry hits a splash a minute later, and goes for a cover, but Sheamus gets his foot on the rope. Henry gets up, and Sheamus hits him with whatever his boot move is called, and then covers Henry for the win.
Sheamus wins!
Josh Matthews is now backstage with Nexus. He asks for their reactions to the General Manager’s ruling. Tarver says it goes both ways. They can be fired for attacking a Superstar, but the Superstars will be suspended if they attack Nexus. Besides, Nexus can still make an impact. To prove this point, Skip Sheffield seems to think it’ll be sufficient to knock out some tech guy who probably pissed his pants as soon as Sheffield looked at him. Darren Young says that’s what they mean, and Nexus laughs.
Still to come, our Eight Man Tag Team Mega Match!
<COMMERCIAL>
“Money” by I Fight Dragons is the official Money in the Bank theme!
Jerry Lawler is in the ring and says that tomorrow, a new DVD will be out. Before he says who the DVD is about, he wants to show us something.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: The Life of Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat”>
Ricky Steamboat comes out, and Jerry says that a few more guys in the back want to say something. Arn Anderson, Dean Malenko, Mike Rotunda, and Micheal P.S. Hays come out to honor his career. They all say some really graet things about Ricky. When Steamboat goes to speak, the Nexus theme hits and they all come out. They surround the ring and then start to take out the legends in the ring one by one until it’s just them and Steamboat in the ring. Steamboat manages to put up a pretty good fight for about thirty seconds before Nexus overpowers him, and we see the same crap we’ve seen for what seems like forever now.
<COMMERCIAL>
Reminder! Nexus just attacked the legends! Another reminder! The Superstars can’t attack Nexus or they’ll be suspended, which is why no one helped the legends! Realization: With Jerry gone, we now have to listen to Michael Cole scream “VINTAGE” and wet himself all night… Joygasm.
<COMMERCIAL>
Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox & Maryse vs Gail Kim and Eve Torres
Lucky for me, if you wanna put it that way, Michael Cole is joined by Josh Matthews. Anyway, Alicia and Eve start, some hits are exchanged, blah blah blah… I got really distracted by whatever Alicia was wearing, so all I know is that eventually, Gail came in and was doing pretty good, but something happened and Alicia hit an axe kick on Gail and won it for her and Maryse.
Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox and Maryse win!
Next up is the Eight Man Tag Team Mega Match!
<COMMERCIAL>
Reminder! Last week, Nexus attacked Vince! Reminder!! About fifteen to thirty minutes ago, they attacked WWE Hall of Famers! Next week our slacker GM will determine the fate of Nexus.
Eight Man Tag Team Mega Match
The Rated R Superstar Edge, Chris Jericho, The United States Champion The Miz, and Ted DiBiase with Maryse vs R-Truth, John Morrison, Evan Bourne and Randy Orton
Just because I’m having a moment and I don’t want this to go straight to the commercial thing, I’m going to have some theme song fun!!
You think you know me…
Break the walls down!!
AWESOME! I came to play!
It’s a new day! It’s a new generation!!
What’s up?… What’s up?
Now listen, this ain’t no make believe!
*Airplane noises*
I hear voices in my head, they council me, they understand, they talk to me…
<COMMERCIAL>
DiBiase and Morrison start it off. DiBiase gets Morrison into the corner and Irish Whips him, but Morrison counters and throws DiBiase down. He gets DiBiase into a headlock and then moves to his corner, tagging in Truth.
Truth slaps DiBiase, who returns it witha punch. Truth then throws DiBiase over the top rope and tags in Bourne, who jumps off the apron and right into DiBiase before throwing him back into the ring. A few hard kicks get DiBiase off his feet. Bourne goes for a cover, but DiBiase kicks out at two and tags in Miz.
Miz gets flipped by Bourne almost immediately, and Bourne goes for a cover only for Miz to kick out at two. He punches Bourne and hits an Irish Whip, only to get hit by a kick to the face. Bourne slams into Miz and goes for the cover again, only for Miz to kick out at two. Bourne throws Miz across the ring and runs at him, only to get Miz’ shoulder in his face. Jericho distracts the ref as DiBiase hits Bourne. Miz tags in Jericho.
Jericho kicks Bounre and then drops him into the bottom rope, hitting a baseball slide to kick him out of the ring next. Edge drops down and hits Bourne while Jericho distracts the ref, and then Jericho goes out to throw Bourne back in. Jericho mocks Bounre before he pulls Bourne to the heel corner and tags Miz back in.
Miz stomps on Bourne a few times before putting his knee in Bourne’s spine. He then plants his knee in Bourne’s spine, lifting Bourne’s head, before slipping into a headlock. Bourne fights out and Miz goes for a suplex, but is kneed to the head by Bourne, who tags Morrison back in.
Morrison hits Miz with two clothesline, then Irish Whips him to a corner, hits a flying chuck, and sets up Starship Pain only for DiBiase to pull Miz out. Morrison jumps over the top rope and takes both out. He goes to throw Miz back in, but Jericho distracts the ref and Edge attacks Morrison.
<COMMERCIAL>
During the break, Jericho rammed Morrison with a ladder and then feigned injury. Jericho and Morrison are still in the ring, but Morrison falls out of the ring after taking some blows from DiBiase. Jericho brings Morrison into the ring, and Morrison manages to cover Chris, who kicks out at two and in turn, covers Morrison. Morrison kicks out at two, and Jericho tags Edge in.
Edge knees Morrison in the gut, and Morrison fights back, hitting Edge a few times. Edge hits a drop toe-hold on Morrison, and holds onto Morrison’s ankle, pulling him back into the heel corner. Morrison starts to fight back, and Edge tags in DiBiase.
DiBiase hammers away on Morrison as soon as he gets in. When Morrison tries to get some momentum, DiBiase hits him with a scoop slam, locking a headlock on Morrison after. DiBiase then tags in Edge.
Edge flings Morrison into the corner, and Morrison kicks Edge only to get a big boot to the face. He goes into a corner and prepares for the Spear, but Morrison gets out of the way. Edge pulls Morrison back, and Morrison manages to hit an insagiri on the back of Edge’s head. Both are down before Edge tags in Jericho, and Morrison tags in Bourne.
Bourne hits a hurricanrana, then a missile dropkick, countering Jericho’s Irish Whip and hitting Jericho with some high kicks. He goes for a cover on Jericho, but Jericho kicks out at two. Bourne goes to the top rope, and Jericho is right behind him, hitting him. Jericho attempts a suplex, but Bourne gets his knee in Jericho’s face and pushes him down. Bourne goes for Air Bourne and misses it, instead hit with the Codebreaker. Jericho ends up having to tag in DiBiase as Bourne tags in Randy. Orton hits the RKO as soon as DiBiase is close enough.
Randy Orton, Evan Bourne, John Morrison and R-Truth win
After the match, Edge runs back into the ring and attacks Randy from behind. He also brings in a ladder. Truth goes in to help or something, but is hit by a ladder as well. John Morrison and Evan Bourne kick the ladder, sending Edge flying backward. Jericho attempts a Codebreaker or something, but Evan knocks him out of the ring. Morrison helps Bourne onto the top rope, where he flies right into Jericho. Meanwhile, Miz takes out Morrison back in the ring with a Skull Crushing Finale. With the ring cleared, he sets up the ladder in the middle of the ring, starting a slow climb up it. Before he can grab the briefcase, Randy comes in and pushes it over, sending Miz right into the ropes. Randy then sets the ladder back up, climbing it and taking the briefcase for himself.
Overall Thoughts: Not too bad a show, though I don’t care what Nexus has planned anymore as long as they stay off my screen with it. Seriously, I’d rather watch Mark Henry try to rap again than anything else they have to do.
John Cena walked out of WrestleMania the WWE Champion, MizShow walked out as Unified Tag Team Champions, Jack Swagger walked out as Mr. Money In The Bank, and HBK walked out and headed for the unemployment line. What’s going to happen tonight on RAW? We’ll find out!
We’re less than a week till Shelton Benjamin and Christian try to steal the show at TLC for the ECW title. We open with Joah Matthews explaining the rules of the match. Vladimir Kozlov interrupts to call out Ezekial Jackson. (more…)
RAW kicks off, and it’s host is a World Champion from Pittsburgh – but it’s not Kurt Angle. Ben Roelithsberger comes out to some boos, saying he knows they’ve got Eagles fans in the house, but that they’ve also got Steelers fans, but tonight we’re all WWE fans. He says he’s got a surprise. It’s the Diva Bowl. A team of face Divas show up in Steelers jerseys, followed by a team of heel divas in white shirts, followed by Gail Kim in a referee outfit. Great. The one who can actually wrestle is the referee.
Diva Bowl
What the hell is this crap? At least we’re getting it out of the way early. The faces won when Mickie James pinned Alicia Fox.
The face Divas are still standing in the ring when the NEW WWE Champion, Randy Orton makes his way to the ring.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Orton says that last night he defeated John Cena and became a 6 time WWE Champion. The people say he uses shortcuts, needs backup, and flat out cheats. When last night did any of that happen? He and John Cena walked in to Hell in a Cell, and Orton beat him. End of story. He’s willing to bet that Cena will interrupt him and ask for a rematch. Orton tells Cena to do what he thinks he needs to do. Orton says he knows exactly what he’ll say to Cena. The fans chant Cena’s name and…
SHABADOO! Your time is up my time is now…
The former champ is here, and he runs down to the ring. Orton says that Cena looks awful excited, and he thinks he knows why. Orton says he won’t get a rematch tonight. Cena’s look turns to that of disappointment. Cena says Orton just told the WWE Universe that he doesn’t give a damn about them. He’s a WWE Superstar who strives to be the best, so what Cena’s here to do is congratulate Orton on his win last night. Cena says he can tell us how brutal Hell In A Cell was, but the interesting thing is that there was something special. Something Cena noticed before, during, and after the match. He noticed over 16,000 members of the WWE Universe standing the whole time. There were people cheering for Cena. There were people cheering for Orton. John Cena and Randy Orton has become the rivalry. Whether a singles match, triple threat, I quit, or Hell In A Cell, it’s simply amazing. Cena would like to do it one more time, and the people seem to agree. He cares about the WWE Universe and wants to give them a match. Not just any match, the match. The match of matches – an Iron Man match. Right, like Cena can go for 60 minutes and keep a crowd into it. Anyways, Cena says that after the iron man match, there will be no more rematches. Orton says he sees what Cena’s doing. If Cena wins, he don’t get a rematch. He says he agrees that we need to end this, but we’ll do it Orton’s way. If Cena wins he gets the title, if Orton wins, Cena is gone from RAW. He can go to SmackDown, he can go to ECW, Orton doesn’t care. He just wants him off of RAW. Cena confirms that’s what Orton wants and says he’ll do it. Orton says that’s not all he wants. No DQ, no count out, and on his terms. Cena asks that if that means they can use whatever they want and turn this into the biggest brawl of all time. Orton says that’s exactly what he’s saying. Take it or leave it. Cena says 60 minutes, anything goes, and if he loses he leaves RAW. Cena says he’s on. The two shake hands, and we’re set to finally end this rivalry.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Somebody has a sign in the crowd with a picture of a slobbering Daffy Duck that says “JACK THWAGGER” on it. Somebody’s been reading Bored Wrestling Fan. Anyways, Swagger’s here. He says he looks and smells like a winner, because he is a winner. FYI, he didn’t get pinned last night, and going forth, he will not lose. For the rest of the year, he promises that he will go undefeated. He’s the All American American, Jack Swagger, and he approves this message. Primo’s shitty music starts, and so does the Aldo Montoya pyro, and we confirm that the Cena/Orton match won’t be tonight, it will be at the Bragging Rights PPV. Please, for the love of insert supreme being here, let Cena lose so I don’t have to see him the next night in Buffalo.
Jack Swagger vs. Primo
Swagger’s prophecy starts off on the right foot as he easily defeats Primo following a gutwrench powerbomb.
Chris Jericho and The Big Show are here. We’ll hear from the Tag Team Champions later on tonight.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Backstage, the Divas are arguing when referee Santino blows the whistle. He calls encroachment on #23 on the defense. Mickie asks what the hell he’s talking about. He says he’s trying to get into the football spirit, and asks Mickie and Alicia to kiss and make up. Alicia slaps Santino and the Divas start brawling again.
The Miz interrupts Ben Roethlisberger and complains about Swagger insinuating that The Miz lost last night. Big Ben asks what happened. Miz admits to getting pin. The Miz says that being awesome isn’t a catch phrase. He asks for a shot at Kofi Kingston tonight. After all, it’s his birthday week. Ben says he can do this. He makes the match, but says there’s a stipulation. If Miz loses, he gets in the middle of the ring, takes the microphone, and tells everybody that “I’m The Miz, and I’m Awful.”
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Last week, Chavo punched Chris Masters in the face for hurting Hornswoggle for some reason. Chavito is here, teaming with The Masterpiece again. Their opponents are the team of MVP and Mark Henry. Shouldn’t MVP be WWE Champion by now?
MVP & Mark Henry vs. Chavo Guerrero & Chris Masters
Henry and MVP pick up the win, but Henry appears to have injured his leg.
After the match, Masters asks Chavo what happened. He gets in Guerrero’s face, and Guerrero shoves him. Masters gets Guerrero in the Master Lock, but Hornswoggle comes to Chavo’s rescue. Chavo drops Masters with a DDT, and then Hornswoggle gives Chavo a DX style crotch chop.
Ben Roethlisberger is on his way to the ring.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Roethlisberger makes his way out to the ring – and he barely gets a sentence out when…
WELL… WELL IT’S THE BIG SHOW – BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!
Show wants to know whey they call him Big Ben. How big can his big offensive line be compared to The Big Show. Jericho says they’re probably not as big as he is. Roethlisberger invites them out. The Steelers O-line make their way to the ring. Jericho asks if they’re supposed to be intimidated. He says this isn’t a football field, it’s the WWE ring. JeriShow don’t wear helmets or pads, or take time off for turf toe. He suggests the Steelers get a huddle going and figure out a strategy, because Jericho and The Big Show are the best team in sports. The Steelers huddle and line up at the line of scrimmage. The Big Show prepares to go at them, but thinks better of it…
BREAK IT DOWN!
DX are here for some reason. Jericho says he should’ve expected a potential Sportscenter moment ruined by two miscreants who hare just here to shill their merchandise (which Jericho shills in the meantime). Triple H says he just wanted to tell Jericho how nice his hair looks. Jericho says “really?” Triple H says hell no, his hair looks ridiculous. HBK says he’s tired of Jericho running his mouth about how many great tag teams they’ve faced. There’s one they haven’t faced. Show asks if that’s some kind of challenge. HBK says he’s in pain, but yeah, it’s a challenge. Show suggests he goes home and nurses his wounds, because DX doesn’t want a part of JeriShow. Jericho says HBK isn’t worthy. DX don’t deserve to face The Big Show and Chris Jericho. Roethlisberger says that tonight, JeriShow will face DX. He says if they’re not down with that, we’ve got two words for you… The Steelers and DX do the crotch chops and set off the pyro.
Up next, it’s The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston for the WWE United States Championship
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Kofi Kingston is here, and he’s got his United States Championship with him. His opponent is from Cleveland Ohio, and if he loses, he has to announce that he’s The Miz, and He’s Awful.
The Miz def. Kofi Kingston to become the new United States Champion
After a hell of a match, The Miz finally hits the Skull Crushing Finale and becomes the NEW United States Heavyweight Champion!
After the match, he takes the microphone and he says that we’re looking at the NEW United States Champion, because he’s The Miz, and he’s AWESOME!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Earlier Tonight: John Cena and Randy Orton set the stipulations for their No Disqualification Iron Man Match at Bragging Rights.
Backstage, Hornswoggle is talking to Ben Roethlisberger when Santino comes in and complains about being slapped and mauled by the Divas. He calls him Ben Surfandturfer. Santino tries to pronounce Roethlisberger’s name, even calling him “Ben Bralesswonder.” Hornswoggle slaps Santino, who then manages to say Roethlisberger.
The Big Show and Chris Jericho are walking backstage. That means, they’re next!
You can help out the Ben Roethlisberger Foundation by going to bigben7.com/foundation.aspx
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Nancy O’Dell and Maria Menounos from Access Hollywood are the guest hostesses next week. One of them is featured in WWE Magazine this month (the one with DX on the cover) as the Sexy Celebrity Super Fan of the month, and the article asks her about her experience guest hosting RAW.
The Unified Tag Team Champions make their way out, and then…
Are You Ready?
DX head to the ring. They don’t bother to do their little spiel, it’s all business for the HeartBreak Kid and The Game tonight.
DX def. JeriShow
NOTE:As you guys know by now, I leave for work before the end of RAW. This week we had some technical difficulties with the site, so I didn’t bother to get somebody to finish the review for me. I have not seen this match, so the following is my knowledge of the main event based on other reviews I’ve read. This won’t be a weekly thing, just this week due to the technical problems.
JeriShow focused on DX’s injuries from last night’s Hell In A Cell match, but DX held their own. Jericho attempted to leave, but was stopped at the top of the ramp by the Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line. Jericho was forced back into the ring and ate Sweet Chin Music, leading to the DX victory.
My Thoughts: “Please let Orton win, please let Orton win, please let Orton win.” Those are my thoughts. Bragging Rights is Sunday, October 25th. On October 26th, I’ll be in attendance at RAW. If Orton wins, Cena’s gone from RAW. I don’t know why I’m so hell bent on not seeing John Cena at RAW. I think I’m just frustrated with the direction of his character from the time he won the WWE Championship at WrestleMania 21. I was a huge Cena mark when I saw him at WrestleMania XIX in Seattle and the night he turned face on SmackDown in Buffalo. I’m just bored with him now. WWE pushes him like crazy despite the fact that it’s obvious a lot of fans hate him. I understand why though – he sells a lot of merchandise and is probably the closest thing they have to a mainstream star right now, the Hulk Hogan of this generation. For what it’s worth, the dark main event that has been advertised for RAW the day after Bragging Rights is DX and Cena against Orton and Legacy.
Now, the future. The Miz and John Morrison called themselves the greatest tag team of the 21st Century (that’s a hint for those of you doing the “guess the match” thing in the back of this month’s WWE Magazine, BTW), and both hold the secondary titles on their respective brands now, with JoMo the Intercontinental Champion and The Miz as the United States Champion. These two guys are going to be HUGE in the future. Of course, I probably would’ve said that two years ago about MVP, but we see where he is. Teaming with Mark Henry to face Chavo Guerrero and Chris Masters.
DX has been the focal point of RAW and the last three PPVs. Nevermind that Randy Orton and John Cena have traded the WWE Championship back and forth in what could be considered epic battles through those last three events. For these guys to get top billing over the guys wrestling for the championship leads me to believe that one of them maybe knows somebody in power in the WWE. Oh look, I can make subtle jokes about who Triple H is married to too!
That’s it for RAW this week, folks. I just want to let you guys know of a couple of things we’ve got going on around here in the near future. First, I’m working on a new BWF Skin that should be available sometime in the next couple of days. I’m also planning on dropping the “Grungy” and “BlueMania 25” themes. I’m not happy with them, and in the case of “Grungy,” it’s hard to expand upon when we add new things. I’m also planning on doing an Eddie Guerrero tribute column next month on the four year anniversary of his death. I’d like to include the thoughts of our readers, so get those to us in one of three ways – send them in a PM to ThinkSoJoE on the BWF Network Forums, tweet them to @BrdWrstlngFn, or e-mail them to GuerreroTribute@boredwrestlingfan.com.
* NOTE: Due to the f*(#ing Pittsburgh Penguins, I’m watching Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals tonight, and as such, I’m watching SmackDown early (like, 1PM early) via YouTube and therefore may miss some non-essential stuff. *
CM Punk is the NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION and he makes his way out to the ring as JR tells the tale of Punk cashing in Money In The Bank after Jeff Hardy defeated Edge in a hellacious ladder match this past Sunday at Extreme Rules. The new Champion takes the microphone and says that he’s going to cut to the chase. He wanted to clear up a few things. Ever since he cashed in, there have been grumblings that say Punk stole the World Heavyweight Championship from Jeff Hardy. Punk doesn’t see it that way. Last year, when he cashed in on Edge, nobody saw it that way. Punk can’t take back what he did, nor does he want to. He’s proud to stand in the ring as the new World Heavyweight Champion. He earned the right to cash in that briefcase when he put his body on the line at WrestleMania. There was an opportunity to become champion staring him in the face, and he capitalized on it. It doesn’t make him a bad guy, that’s the whole point of the Money In The Bank briefcase. It wasn’t the most popular decision in the world, but Punk’s never done anything just to be popular, he’s always done what’s best for himself. The World Championship is something he’s worked very hard to attain. It’s the entire reason he’s a WWE Superstar to begin with. The title means the world to him, and he stands here and promises to bring respect, honor, and integrity back to the World Heavyweight Championship. He’ll represent the WWE as Champion to the best of his ability.
Jeff Hardy comes limping out to the ring, showing the effects of the ladder match from this past Sunday. The fans chant Hardy’s name, and he says that he didn’t come out to complain about what Punk did. That’s not his style. Punk thinks he earned it, Hardy doesn’t agree. Neither do the fans. Punk won Money in the Bank and could cash it in whenever he wanted to, but Punk cashed in on the wrong guy. Punk understands that Hardy is angry, but he wants Jeff to understand where he’s coming from. The fans chant “Hardy” again, and Punk says he didn’t put him in a ladder match at Extreme rules, Jeff put himself in one. The night he picked a ladder match, a lightbulb went off that said “that’s my night.” It didn’t matter who won, that was when Punk was going to cash in, and, well, Jeff won. Hardy doesn’t care about Punk’s reasons, Hardy Senses “shelfishness.” Does Punk care about his fans? The fans chant “Hardy” again. Hardy doesn’t walk the same path as Punk, and never will, but he wants his title back. He wants his rematch TONIGHT!
You think you know me…
Edge comes out to the stage, and says no. Jeff wants his World Title back? He wants his rematch? No, if anybody is getting their rematch, it’s Edge. Hardy wants to know if Edge lost it, Jeff beat Edge. Why is he out here anyway, this is about Hardy and Punk. Punk agrees, he didn’t beat Edge, he beat Jeff Hardy. Edge says Hardy got lucky at Extreme Rules, and both of them combined have not held the title as much as Edge. Hardy had the shortest World Heavyweight Championship reign in the history of the WWE, but at least he has some originality. Edge has been trying to figure out what makes Punk tick ever since he got here. Edge has been watching him and trying to figure out who he looks up to. He wants to be Edge. Punk laughs, and Edge explains that Punk calls his unique lifestlye Straight Edge – hello! Punk named it after him. He cashed in MITB twice, just like Edge. Newsflash. Punk never has been, and never will be Edge. Another newsflash – if Jeff Hardy wants another shot, he needs to get behind Edge. Edge is the only person getting a rematch tonight. Get it? Hardy says that’s not going to happen because Punk and Edge are both full of – and with that he pops Edge in the head with the microphone. He drops Punk with a Twist of Fate and nails the Swanton on the World Heavyweight Champion.
You know it’s the Mack Militant!
Teddy Long wants to sort it out. Punk is the Champion, and his first title defense will be at the Three-For-All this Monday. He’ll face the winner of tonight’s number one contenders match between Edge and Jeff Hardy. Holla holla holla!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
T-Lo is greeted in his office by the new Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho, who wants to know why he’s not getting a chance at the World Heavyweight Championship. He sees it as a sign of disrespect. He’s a 5 time World Champion, he unmasked Rey Mysterio at Extreme Rules, and he’s a record 9 time Intercontinental Champion. T-Lo needs to make things right, Jericho’s dressed and ready to compete. What’s Long going to do? Long can’t seem to come up with a good argument against Jericho, but he’s already made the number one contenders match for tonight. He’d like to see if Jericho is worthy of contention, and tonight, he’s going to go one on one with CM Punk. Jericho tells him “nice job.”
Dolph Ziggler makes his way out to the ring for our opening contest on Friday Night SmackDown. His opponent is, for the second straight week, the Punjabi Playboy, The Great Khali!
Dolph Ziggler def. The Great Khali
Ziggler starts the match by – well, as Todd Grisham put it “wasting no time in wasting time.” He slides out of the ring, but when he gets back in, he gets clotheslined down to the mat. He slides out again, then tells the referee that Khali pulled his hair. Khali brings Ziggler back in the hard way, and takes him down with hard strikes. Ziggler starts to get some offense in, going after the leg of Khali, then locking in a front face lock. Khali easily battles out of it, picking Ziggler up and tossing him straight back down 7 feet to the canvas. Ziggler exits the ring before any more damage could be done. Ziggler uses Ranjin Singh as a shield on the outside, shoving him into Khali at 8, sliding back in at 9, and Khali gets himself counted out at 10. Ziggler outsmarted Khali for the count out victory!
Still to come, Jeff Hardy takes on Edge in a #1 Contenders match!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk takes on Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho later on tonight – interestingly enough, last week’s SmackDown had the World Heavyweight Champion against the Intercontinental Champion for the very first time – but it was Edge vs. Rey Mysterio. Guess that goes to show that a lot can happen in a week.
Michelle McCool and Layla are accompanied to the ring by Alicia Fox. At least, that’s what Justin Roberts said. Todd Grisham says it’s a six Diva match coming up. There was one of those last week, where Layla scored an upset pinfall on Women’s Champion Melina. Melina and Eve make their way out, and we know for sure that this is a tag team match, not a six Diva match. So instead of a six Diva clusterf*(#, it’s a four Diva clusterf^*(#.
Michelle McCool & Layla def. Melina & Eve
I know I say this every week, but I just don’t care about the WWE Divas. It’s not that they’re not as talented as the male Superstars, I think it’s more because they’re always stuck in multi-participant matches. Anyways, Alicia Fox distracts Melina, allowing Michelle to catch her with the Styles Clash Faith Breaker for the victory.
Up next, John Morrison teams with R-Truth to take on the World’s Greatest Tag Team of Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Apparently more women watched SmackDown last Friday than any show on Oxygen, CW, or Lifetime Network. Take THAT Oprah Winfrey! (Here’s hoping that last line gets us in the search results for Oprah Winfrey!)
AIN’T NO STOPPIN’ ME NOW!
Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin make their way out to Shelton’s music. Which is weird, because they have music as a team – it’s Charlie Haas’s music. John Morrison, fresh off an impressive match with Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho last night on WWE Superstars, is out first for this match, and you can hear the women scream for him as he poses on the ropes. R-Truth must’ve finally got his employee ID badge, because he’s coming out from the back instead of the crowd for the second week straight. Truth says that The World’s Greatest Tag Team being back together is like Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer teaming up to do a rap song. Nobody wants to hear them, and nobody wants to see the WGTT. That’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. What a stupid catch phrase.
R-Truth & John Morrison def. Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin
Charlie Haas attacks Morrison from behind to start the match, allowing Benjamin to take advantage for the team. It doesn’t take long for Morrison to battle back, and just like last week, when it’s JoMo and The Gold Standard Shelton Benjamin in the ring, it’s time to kick back and watch. Morrison tags in R-Truth, who is a talented performer in his own right, but he allows himself to be distracted by Charlie Haas and taken down by Shelton Benjamin.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Benjamin is in control when we come back, and it doesn’t slow down when we come back. Haas gets the tag and the WGTT does one of the tandem maneuvers that earned them the name. Haas is another talented worker, and he shows it off here as he manages to keep R-Truth away from his corner for a while. Truth finally turns the tide and tags in John Morrison, who takes down both members of the World’s Greatest Tag Team. He hits a springboard kick on Haas, but Benjamin breaks up the pin. Charlie Haas takes out R-Truth, and Morrison hits a unique kick on Haas before hitting the Moonlight Drive and the Starship Pain for the victory!
Still to come, Jeff Hardy vs. Edge, but up next, it’s CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
The WWE would like to thank everybody who watched Extreme Rules on Pay Per View or on WWE.com. What, no love for those of us who managed to find one of the few streams WWE didn’t kill off?
Chris Jericho heads to the ring, Intercontinental Championship around his waist, and Rey Mysterio’s mask in his hand. He got that mask by ripping it off of Mysterio’s face this past Sunday at Extreme Rules. Come to think of it, that’s how he got the belt too. Jericho says he stands up for what he believes in, and he’s an honest man while 99% of us are liars and cheaters. He’s a success while 99% of us fail at everything. He believes that by unmasking Rey Mysterio he did him a favor. Now Mysterio doesn’t have to live his life in the shadows. He can live life without worrying if anybody recognizes him and knows who he truly is. Instead of thanking Jericho, he’s disappeared like a coward. In time he’ll realize that he’s been redeemed, led to his salvation by his savior, Chris Jericho. He’s exposed Myserio as a fraud, and he’ll let everybody know the same thing about CM Punk tonight. Jericho is better than CM Punk, because he’s the best at what he does. He guarantees a victory tonight, and there’s nothing that any of us can do about it. CM Punk’s music hits and the World Heavyweight Champion makes his way out to the ring.
CM Punk def. Chris Jericho
These guys have had great matches in the past and I don’t have any doubt that this will be another one. Both guys go for – and escape from – one another’s signature moves early in the match, just before the…
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
It’s still a very entertaining match when we come back with Punk in control. It doesn’t take too long for Jericho to turn it around in this back and forth contest. Interesting side note. Punk won the World Heavyweight Championship last year after winning Money In The Bank at a WrestleMania yours truly attended. He did the same this year after winning Money In The Bank at this year’s WrestleMania, which was attended by Drowgoddess. BoredWrestlingFan.com has been a good luck charm for Punk, apparently. Anyways, I digress. Jericho tries to keep a slow an methodical pace, and Punk picks up the pace when he goes on offense. Like Morrison and Benjamin, Punk vs. Jericho is really one of those “kick back and watch” matches. Punk goes for a GTS, but Jericho blocks it, grabbing Punk’s leg and locking in the Walls of Jericho. Punk pulls himself to the ropes, breaking the hold. Jericho stalks Punk, trying to clothesline him out of the ring, but Punk ducks. Jericho goes to climb the ropes, but Punk kicks him down, then hits a superplex. Both men exchange blows, but Jericho ducks a Punk punch and hits the Codebreaker out of nowhere – but Punk got his foot on the ropes at two. Jericho starts to kick Punk, but Punk shows him how it’s done, kicking Jericho in the head and dropping him with the Go 2 Sleep for the victory! Another great match!
Who will Punk defend his title against at the Three For All on RAW? We’ll find out, tonight.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Jeff Hardy makes his way out to the ring, still putting on his armbands. Edge is out next, and much like Jeff Hardy, he looks sore on his way to the ring. CM Punk comes to ringside and joins Todd Grisham and Good Ol’ JR on commentary.
Edge def. Jeff Hardy via disqualification
It’s a slow and deliberate pace to start off this match, which shows the effects of the ladder match from Extreme Rules. Punk once again explains why he chose Extreme Rules to cash in, and JR agrees that it was a good idea. Edge goes for a spear early but crashes into the ringpost, straight into our living rooms to enjoy a…
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Hardy is still in control, and was dominating through the break as he works on Edge’s arm that hit the ringpost earlier. Todd Grisham asks Punk who he’d rather face this Monday. He says he can’t pick one or the other because Hardy takes a lot of chances, but he’s beaten Edge before. Meanwhile, Edge takes control of the match. Hardy tries to mount a comeback, but Edge chop-blocks him and goes to work on the leg. Punk says that if you asked him now, he’d face Hardy because he could take out his knee. Hardy winds up in the Tree of Woe but gets himself down before Edge can take advantage, and we go to a…
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Edge is still working over Hardy’s leg when we get back. Hardy causes some separation, then catches an incoming Edge from the top rope with a kick and a DDT for a two count. The two take each other down with a double clothesline. Hardy starts to take control when the men get back up, getting a high pitched cheer when he takes his shirt off. Jeff goes to the second rope and drops the leg on Edge for a two count. Edge blocks a sitout leg drop by Hardy and locks in a variation on the Sharpshooter. Hardy gets the ropes to break the hold. Edge pushes his way out of a Twist of Fate attempt, but Hardy moves out of the way of Edge’s spear, sending Edge into the post again. Hardy drops Edge with a Twist of Fate, climbing the ropes, but Edge moves out of the way of a Swanton, but catches a flying clothesline on the outside instead. Edge tosses Hardy over the announce table into CM Punk, who dives in the ring and attacks Edge. The referee rings the bell, and Jeff Hardy realizes what just happened – Edge has won by disqualification.
Hardy dives back into the ring and attacks Edge. Edge goes for an Edgecution on Hardy, who reverses it into a Twist of Fate. CM Punk drops Hardy with a Go To Sleep and stands tall over both Edge and Jeff Hardy.
Backstage, Tiffany is sitting around with Teddy Long, who announces that this Monday on RAW, instead of a one on one match, it’s going to be CM Punk defending his World Heavyweight Championship in a triple threat match against Edge and Jeff Hardy.
My Thoughts: I would love to see a match between John Morrison and Rob Van Dam. Hell, make it a triple threat with Evan Bourne as well, and we’re looking at a match of the eternity candidate if you like the high fliers. Hey, speaking of high flying Triple Threat action, that’s what we’ve got coming up this Monday when CM Punk defends against Edge and Jeff Hardy on the Three For All. We’ll also see Christian challenge Tommy Dreamer for the ECW Championship, and a fatal four way between John Cena, Triple H, Randy Orton, and The Big Show for the vacant WWE Championship.
Anyways, tonight’s SmackDown continued the streak of awesomeness for the blue brand. These shows are exactly what wrestling shows should be all about. Sure, there’s talking, but it’s kept short and to the point. For the majority of two hours, you’re enjoying the finest professional wrestling on the planet, and that’s where RAW and iMPACT! get it wrong. SmackDown is the best wrestling television show there is – and it’s on free TV! You don’t even have to have cable to watch it. After today, though, you’ll need to be able to get digital channels to watch it in the United States. Hope you guys are prepared! See you tomorrow with another edition of ThinkSoJoE’s Thoughts!
