It’s the last stop before the final pit stop on the road to WrestleMania! Jerry Springer hosts, and the Elimination Chamber participants will be facing each other in singles competition. I’m half asleep, so screw it, let’s get started!
Hey folks, ThinkSoJoE here, fresh off of watching the Rumble at my buddy Steve’s house. We played a little bit of a game – we all tossed in two bucks and picked five numbers. Whoever had the number of the guy that won won all the money. That wasn’t me. Anyhow, we’ve got a lot of Rumbleage to cover, so let’s get to it!
World Heavyweight Champion Undertaker vs. Big Show vs. Chris Jericho (Triple Threat Match):
JT: Jericho over Undertaker & Big Show
Drowgoddess: Undertaker wins. Either Jericho or Show will cost the other the win, and they’ll continue to fall apart as a tag team. Taker’s not losing anything at this point.
ThinkSoJoE: I think we all know who’s prying that belt from the cold, dead hands of The Undertaker – and it’s not Chris Jericho or The Big Show. Somebody had a feud over the World Heavyweight Championship with The Undertaker that never had a proper finish, and he just turned heel. Expect ‘Taker to walk out with the gold in tact.
Rey Mysterio vs. Batista
JT: Batista eats Mysterio then gets injured
Drowgoddess: Batista wins. ‘Nuff said.
ThinkSoJoE: I don’t think it’s so much a question of who is going to win, but more of if this match is going to live up to the buildup. Batista made Rey sign a hold-harmless agreement – Since I’m pretty confident The Animal is taking this one, he’d better leave Mysterio half dead in the center of the ring.
Team Kingston (Kofi Kingston, MVP, Mark Henry, R-Truth, & Christian) vs. Team Orton (Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase Jr. , CM Punk, & William Regal) :Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Tag Team Match:
JT: Team Orton over Team Kingston
Drowgoddess: This is a tough call. I really don’t care about the teams as a whole, but I’m a tremendous fan of both Kofi Kingston and CM Punk. I’m essentially chosing between them. I’ll go with Team Kofi to win, as Punk has not been the same since his World title loss to Undertaker. Neither he nor the team of which he is a part will win here.
ThinkSoJoE: Randy Orton’s got a reputation to uphold. He’s been the sole survivor a few times at the Survivor Series, so I’m kind of leaning towards that happening here. Orton will stand alone and still manage to win.
Team Morrison (John Morrison, Matt Hardy, Evan Bourne, Shelton Benjamin, & Finlay) vs. Team Miz (The Miz, Drew McIntyre, Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler, & Jack Swagger) : Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Tag Team Match
JT: Team Morrison over Team Miz
Drowgoddess: Why is this ppv sounding so much like the “Twilight” movies? Team Edward, Team Jacob, Team This, Team That. At least these guys don’t sparkle in sunlight. With the possible exception of Sheamus. Like anyone’s going to tell him! In any case, despite the level of fandom I have for both Morrison and Bourne, I’m going with Team Miz to win here. Sheamus and McIntyre are absolute BEASTS, Swagger and Ziggler can play the technical game, and The Miz is simply awesome.
ThinkSoJoE: Miz beat Morrison at Bragging Rights – Morrison should get his revenge here. The way I see it, Morrison can pin The Miz here, and then maybe they run into – and eliminate – each other at the Royal Rumble setting up a WrestleMania match. For what it’s worth, I also see Team Miz imploding and costing themselves the match.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels (Triple Threat Match)
JT: Cena over D-X, yeah I said it.
Drowgoddess: *YAWN* I so don’t care. Honestly, I’m not being smarky, I sincerely don’t care the slightest little bit about this match or who wins it. Considering what I predicted in the World title 3-way above, HBK steals a win from underneath HHH, and the DX split takes front and center.
ThinkSoJoE: I’m going to get heat for this, I know it – but Shawn Michaels is the best professional wrestler in the world today. It’s been years since HBK had a title run, and I’d love to see it happen here, but since this match was just randomly thrown together by two guys who turn left for a living and a leprechaun, I’m fully expecting Cena to win.
Team Mickie (Mickie James, Eve Torres, Kelly Kelly, Melina, & Gail Kim) vs. Team Michelle (Michelle McCool, Jillian Hall, Beth Phoenix, Alicia Fox, & Layla) :Traditional Survivor Series Tag Team Elimination Match
JT: F@^& the Divas Match
Drowgoddess: Another yawner for me, since I have no interest in nailing any of these women. I love Beth Phoenix, and she’s so much better than this, but I’m choosing Team Mickie. Mickie, Gail Kim, and, to a lesser extent, Melina, can actually wrestle. Plus, I live for the day that Michelle McCool gets hit by an 18-wheeler hauling toxic waste. Don’t mistake that for heel heat. She’s not that good. It’s “get off my tv and out of my world” heat.
ThinkSoJoE: So wait, let me see if I’ve got this right. Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres, Alicia Fox, and Layla all got into this match, but Natalya, one of the few women on the roster who can actually wrestle, didn’t? Who books this crap? My prediction is half the audience gets up and goes to use the restroom during this one.
Ok, ok, ok. I’m 2 days late here. But, better late than never right? Here are some quick results from this weeks Superstars.
Match 1: Shelton Benjamin vs Zack Ryder w/Rosa Mendes
Rosa gets a call at ringside and throws the phone to Zack. She gets into the ring to tell him he has a phone call. As Ryder is looking at her, Shelton comes at him and Ryder ducks him to get the quick pin. Very strange sequence.
Ask the Divas segment….zzzzzz….zzzzzz…zzz..zzzzzzzzzz….zzz…..zzzzzz
Match 2: Eric Escobar w/ Vickie Guerrero vs Jimmy Wang Yang
Vickie distracts JWY and Escobar hits a running jump kick for the win.
Main Event: Cody Rhodes vs Mark Henry
Why didn’t Legacy make an appearance on RAW this past Monday? Mark Henry wins this one with the World’s Strongest Slam.
Survivor Series is tonight. So, here are some quick projections.
Team Kofi vs Team RKO
Winner: Team Kofi. Kofi gets the final elimination pin over Randy Orton
Team Miz vs Team Morrison
Winner: Team Morrison. Morrison pins Miz after an already eliminated Jack Swagger distracts Miz.
Team Mickie vs Team McCool
Winner: Team Mickie. Mickie eliminates Layla and McCool to finish the match.
Rey Mysterio vs Batista
Winner: Rey gets the win here. They have to continue this feud somehow. How’s that going to happen if Batista destroys Mysterio here?
HHH/HBK/John Cena Triple Threat WWE Title Match
Winner: HBK wins the title. There’s not many more directions they can go with HHH and John Cena any more, so HBK gets the fresh win here.
Jericho/Big Show/Undertaker
Winner: Undertaker wins when Jericho and Show can’t work together.
Hello and welcome to another edition of Random Randomness, I amyour host JT and tonight I’ll be giving my opinions on this week in wrestling, well sort of. Well let’s get this going: (more…)
Why, hello everybody. I am actually getting Superstars done on the actual night Superstars airs. No time like the present!
Match 1: Ted DiBiase vs Evan Bourne
TD2 comes out and dedicates the match to Cody Rhodes. Ted pounds on AirBourne at the start of the match. Evan kicks DiBiase out of the ring and hits a high-flying move off the top rope to the outside. Bourne goes to the well one too many times and DiBiase catches him and throws him into the barricade as Superstars goes to commercial. Back from commercial, TD2 has Bourne in a headlock on the mat. Ted continues to issue a beating on the much smaller Evan Bourne. DiBiase lands a picture perfect dropkick…ala Randy Orton. As Bourne fights back, DiBiase hits a clothesline that sends Bourne airborne into a flip…pun intended. Evan Bourne keeps fighting and hits his usual offense and as he goes for a flying kick, DiBiase ducks and hits DreamStreet for the win.
Ted DiBiase needs to figure into the title picture at some point. This guy is Randy Orton 2.0!
Ask the Divas segment. God…Jillian is so ugly!
Match 2: Sheamus vs Shelton Benjamin
Shelton comes out with his shoulder wrapped. Sheamus starts out focussing on Shelton’s injured shoulder, but Shelton forces the action outside and is baited into the ring post. As the action re-enters the ring, Sheamus rams Shelton’s shoulder into the post again and again. The match turns technical, as Sheamus applies an armbar and arm DDT. Sheamus rips off the wrapping and continues to work on the Gold Standard’s shoulder. The crowd is absolutely dead during this match. Shelton gets to the ropes and Sheamus continues the beating, resulting in a DQ and win for Benjamin. As the ref is aiding Shelton back to his feet, the Celtic Warrior nails him with a big boot.
Josh Matthews interviews the Hard Dynasty in the Locker area.
Main Event: The Hart Dynasty vs Cryme Tyme
Eve is hot but she needs to quit dancing when she comes out with Cryme Tyme…she looks really idiotic. JTG and Tyson Kidd start it off and Kidd mocks JTG. Very nice athletic chains and counters are applied until tags bring in Shad and David Hart Smith. Here come the power punches and high impact spots. DH tags in Kidd and Shad fights out of the double team and sends Tyson Kidd out to the floor. Shad jumps off the mat and hits a clothesline on both members of the Hart Dynasty, as we go to the last commercial of the evening. Back from commercial, JTG attempts a pin on Kidd and gets a twoooooooooo. DH gets the tag in, but cannot overpower the smaller JTG. With the refs back turned, Tyson Kidd comes out of nowhere to dropkick JTG into the outside ringpost. This allows DH to get his power spots in. Respective tags get Shad and Kidd into the ring and Shad gets his power spots in on Tyson Kidd. Kidd makes the tag and goes for the Hart Attack, but JTG grabs the leg and trips him. Shad then hits the Thugnificent and Cryme Tyme gets the win.
This was a rather entertaining show for a Superstars airing. Come back next week and join me again for another WWE Superstars!
Tonight, Cedric the Entertainer guest hosts, and Hell In A Cell opponents John Cena and Randy Orton sign the contract for their WWE Championship match.
Well, I guess it’s me reviewing the show this week, since Legend Killer refuses to watch any WWE programming. Ah well. Dusty Rhodes is hosting, Jericho is facing MVP, and The Big Show battles Mark Henry. Let’s go!
Last night, while security was detaining a fan, Randy Orton hit an RKO and pinned John Cena to retain the WWE Championship. It wasn’t really a fan, however, it was Ted DiBiase’s brother Brett. Orton says that Brett DiBiase’s actions were inexcusable, and Cody Rhodes points out that Orton would’ve won anyway.
Floyd “Money” Mayweather is our guest host tonight – but first, it’s the boss, look busy!
Mr. McMahon makes his way to the ring, and he seems to be in a good mood. He says that tonight’s guest host is one of the greatest showmen, one of the greatest fighter of all time, Floyd “Money” Mayweather! But before we get to that, the referee’s decision, despite the controversey, is final. It’s time to clear up that controversey, John Cena will get his rematch in about three weeks on a pay per view. It’s a brand new concept, aptly known as “Breaking Poing,” in which the main events are submission matches. Cena and Orton’s match will be an “I Quit” match. And if anybody interferes on behalf of Orton, he’ll immediately be stripped of the WWE Championship. Have a good night!
BREAK IT DOWN!
Before the chairman can leave ringside, Triple H and HBK, collectively known as Degeneration X, make their way to the ring. Mr. McMahon tells them to have a good night. Triple H says we probably expected them on a tank, but with the economy, they couldn’t afford it. He then says that he doesn’t like good guy Mr. McMahon. It’s creepy. Like Michael Vick at a PETA convention. HBK says it’s yucky. Triple H says there must be a reason he’s in a good mood. The boss says he knows where this is going. HBK asks if today is August 24th. He thinks somebody’s got a birthday. Triple H says it’s Dave Chappelle. HBK says to think whiter and crazier. Triple H says Marley Matlin. HBK says older and more incoherent. Triple H wonders who we know that’s old, crazy, and incoherent. Oh wait! It’s Vincent Kennedy McMahon’s 84th Birthday! The fans start chanting “84.” Triple H corrects himself and says it’s his 74th birthday. The fans chant “74.” Triple H says he’s actually 70. Mr. McMahon says “I’m 64!” Triple H and HBK are surprised that he told everybody how old he is. McMahon tells them to leave. HHH asks how many birthday’s he’s got left, especially in Vegas. HBK says that if he doesn’t want to have a happy birthday, it’s ok, because he’s a pioneer. Triple H says he was a real pioneer with the wagon and everything. HBK says no, he’s the reason we watch WWE Television. If he doesn’t want to have a happy birthday, it’s ok, but he wants to show him a tribute. It’s a nice touching tribute – until they play the clip of “Stand Back.” Then they show a bunch of Vince’s not so proud moments at the hands of not only DX, but Bobby Lashley, Steve Austin, Mae Young and others. McMahon says he won’t forget about this. Triple H says at his age he probably will forget about it, but he certainly won’t forget about this – a birthday cake is wheeled down to the ring as HBK starts singing “Happy Birthday.” Triple H interrupts and says something’s not right. This is Vegas. Anybody can have a cake, but in Vegas, things are done differently. HBK says that he’s been told that whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Triple H says that even if Mr. McMahon sends out memo not to mention his birthday, sometimes people just have to do it anyway. HBK says that he was roped into this, but anyway, you can’t have a Vegas birthday without showgirls. So of course, this brings out the Vegas showgirls. Mr. McMahon asks how much longer this is going to go on. Triple H says they also got him Cirque De Sole, and a couple of the Cirque De Soley pogo stilt guys come out. Mr. McMahon says their masks are really gay. Triple H makes fun of the guys bouncing around the ring, and Vince asks if they’re done. HBK says you can’t have a birthday in Vegas without the king of Rock and Roll, Elvis. An Elvis impersonator makes his way to the ring. McMahon calls him the skinniest Elvis he’s ever seen. Triple H hands him a microphone, and Elvis gives Mr. McMahon his sunglasses and leads everybody in singing Happy Birthday to the chairman. Triple H says he thinks Mr. McMahon should look at his cake – it’s no ordinary cake, if you get what he means. Some music starts playing, and Big Dick Johnson comes out of the cake. Mr. McMahon tosses him out of the ring, and says he’s had enough of this birthday crap. Triple H says there’s one more thing, and they kick out the showgirls, the Crique De Sole guys, and Elvis. HBK says he had nothing to do with this. Triple H says it’s a private thing so we should all close our eyes. He says he’s got one more present for Mr. McMahon. They position him in the ring as if something were going to drop on him, but Rhodes and DiBiase attack from behind. DX fend them off this time, and the WWE Champion appears on the top of the ramp. Triple H says that since Floyd Mayweather hasn’t gotten here yet, it’s going to be all three members of Legacy against DX and their partner, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Mr. McMahon says it’s no disqualification. He says he’s always wanted to do this part – “If you’re not down with that, we’ve got two words for ya!”
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Santino is already in the ring, which means he’s probably doing the J.O.B. His opponent tonight is The Miz… and he’s… AWESOME!
The Miz def. Santino
The Miz looks to be more focused than ever before, and more aggressive as well. Santino starts to build some momentum, but it just takes one mistake on his part for The Miz to hit the Skull Crushing Finale for the win.
After the match, The Miz takes a microphone, and he says he’s now one step closer to defeating Kofi Kingston to become the new United States Champion, because he’s The Miz… and he’s.. AWESOME!
There’s three Divas in boxing gear walking towards the ring. That can only mean one thing – dinnertime!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
I love it when the WWE does these “Did You Know” segments about having more viewers than Monday Night Football when it’s the pre-season, like it’s some kind of accomplishment.
This is a six-Diva cluster*(# “Mayweather Melee”
Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendez, & Alicia Fox def. Gail Kim, Mickie James, & Kelly Kelly
I’m not reviewing this crap. In fact, I didn’t watch it. I went and popped my dinner in the microwave and came back to Beth Phoenix’s team celebrating in the ring.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
HBK is concerned about the match later tonight. HHH is too concerned about The Rise and Fall of WCW DVD. HBK thought they only shilled their own merch. HHH says that they need to get Vince motivated to fight, and he should be absolutely fuming right about now. Backstage, Jillian is dressed like Marilyn Monroe and sings happy birthday to Mr. McMahon until he kicks her out.
Welllll – BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!
Last year, I went to WrestleMania, and I saw Floyd Mayweather knock out The Big Show with a pair of brass knucks. Here, let’s watch it again! Anyways, Big Show says that Mayweather is doing the right thing – he’s hiding from him. If Show gets his hands on him, he’s going to hurt him. He hasn’t forgotten about WrestleMania, and they have some unfinished business. Show says he’s not leaving the ring, and nobody can make him, until Mayweather shows up. Jericho says nobody can make him leave. It’s 9:52, and Floyd Mayweather finally strolls into the arena.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Big Show and Chris Jericho are awaiting the arrival of Floyd “Money” Mayweather. Lillian introduces him as the Quarter Billion Dollar Man. Floyd makes his way out to the ring with his entourage – and with a stack of money strapped to his arm for some reason. After milking his entrance for about 20 minutes, Mayweather gets in the ring, where he’s towered over by both The Big Show and Chris Jericho. Mayweather reminds Show about WrestleMania, and he says he’ll do it again tonight, but he’s got a September 19th PPV bout that’s more important. Mayweather gets in Jericho’s face. Jericho says that he was introduced as the greatest fighter in the world, but Jericho disagrees. He thinks he’s a great self promoter and a showboater, but he’s not that good of a boxer. He thinks, little man, that his big comeback fight against Juan Manuel Marquez, he’s going to get knocked out. Show says that after Marquez cleans his clock, maybe he and Jericho will step in the ring, take whats left, and wipe him from the face of the planet.
I’m Comin!
MVP makes his way to the stage, and tell Big Show and Jericho that he doesn’t appreciate them talking to Money Mayweather that way, since he’s made him a lot of money. Jericho may look up 16 syllable words in his Oxford Dictionary every week, but Mayweather could knock him out 37 times before he can open his mouth. Kinda like he did to The Big Show last year. Jericho points out that Mayweather did it with the help of 18 friends. MVP says Show could’ve done the same if he had any friends. Jericho says Show is his friend. MVP says the only reason Jericho’s on RAW is because he’s one half of the Unified Tag Team Champions. MVP wishes that somebody would beat them so they could send Jericho back to SmackDown. He asks Mayweather for a tag title shot with a partner of his choosing at Breaking Point. Mayweather says let’s do it tonight. He asks if MVP has a partner in mind. MVP says he does…
Somebody’s gonna get they ass kicked…
Mark Henry joins MVP on the stage, and it looks like we’ve got a tag title match coming up NEXT!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
MVP & Mark Henry def. Chris Jericho & The Big Show
This match is apparently not for the tag titles, but instead if MVP and Henry win, they get a tag title shot at Breaking Point. The Tag Champs keep control of this one by cutting the ring in half and using frequent tags to keep the fresh man in the ring. Gorilla Monsoon would be so proud. The champs are doing a great job of keeping MVP away from Mark Henry as we head to a…
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
MVP is still cut off from Mark Henry when we come back. The Unified Tag Team Champions are still dominating this match. MVP rolls out of the way of a Lionsault, and he manages to make the tag. Rather than tag out, Jericho goes straight at Henry. He goes for the Codebreaker, but Henry catches him. Henry goes for the World’s Strongest Slam, but Jericho reverses it into a DDT for a two count. Henry tags MVP back in, who takes Jericho down and hits the Ballin’ elbow for a two count. Jericho hits the running enziguri, but Henry breaks up the pin. He tosses The Big Show out of the ring, and Mayweather puts brass knucks on the hand of MVP, who uses them to knock out Chris Jericho for the win!
Big Show carries Jericho’s unconscious body out of the arena as Floyd Mayweather celebrates with MVP and Mark Henry.
Rhodes and the DiBiases are discussing how they have the advantage in their match tonight, since it’s no DQ. Orton comes in and dismisses Brett DiBiase. He tells the other members of Legacy that tonight, he’s going to take out Mr. McMahon for good.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Last week, Hornswoggle beat Chavo Guerrero with a little help from Kevin McCallister. This week, they’re going to have a boxing match. The referee tells Chavo he won’t need his gloves. He goes out of the ring and grabs some big glove boxing gloves. Chavo says he’s still gonna knock Hornswoggle out.
Hornswoggle def. Chavo Guerrero (again)
Chavo misses with a punch and Hornswoggle gets some body blows in. This happens a couple of times, and the third time, Hornswoggle gets a headshot, knocking Chavo down for a two or three count. Chavo takes his gloves off and bodyslams Hornswoggle, earning the disqualification.
After the match, Chavo climbs the ropes and is looking for the Frog Splash, when Evan Bourne comes out to make the save. He knocks Guerrero down and hits the Air Bourne before going to check on Hornswoggle.
Still to come, DX and Mr. McMahon vs. Legacy.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Mr. McMahon is warming up backstage with Floyd Mayweather when Carlito walks in and complains that he’s not on the show. Triple H comes in and says Mayweather’s doing a great job. Triple H then says something about getting busy with Stephanie, which prompts Mr. McMahon to knock Carlito out.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
ThinkSoJoE Note: Every week, much like RAW itself, we bring you a special guest host for the main event of RAW – for the sheer fact that I work a night job and cannot cover it myself. This week’s guest host is BWF’s Random Redhead, JT!
Thanks, JT!
My Thoughts: I didn’t hate the opening segment. A lot of people that I talked to tonight did, but I’m not in that category. I actually laughed a couple of times, which is more than I can say about most RAW segments not involving Santino Marella in the last few months.
This “guest host pisses off The Big Show” thing has got to stop. Unless Shaq and Floyd Mayweather are going to be teaming up at whatever PPV is after Breaking Point to take on Jericho and The Big Show, I don’t see the point of it. Also, the same goes for Chavo Guerrero jobbing to Hornswoggle. I get it, the guest hosts are amused by Chavo’s inability to beat the little guy. It’s getting old.
Speaking of old, happy birthday, Mr. McMahon! BTW, Mr. McMahon, if you’re looking for writers for RAW that understand professional wrestling, I can recommend about five people…
For what it’s worth, I’d rather be doing ANYTHING than watching RAW tonight. I’d rather watch a marathon of Sasha Baron Cohen movies. I’d rather watch Grease and Grease 2. I’d rather watch all 200 episodes of iMPACT! Hell, I’d rather play the iMPACT video game. But alas, I sit through the boring crap that is RAW because it’s been my Monday routine for the last 15 1/2 years. Don’t get me wrong, I still love professional wrestling, I’m just so bored with RAW right now, which is why I slept through the show last week (and thank you to Legend Killer for filling in for me.) Anyways, tonight’s show is hosted by Jeremy Piven of Entourage, and we’ve got a handicapped match featuring Triple H burying taking on Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes.