Well it’s me again back with another edition of this very article for you reading enjoyment or something. I hope you enjoyed some of what I did last week since I may be doing more of it in the future. But it’s not about the past, it’s about the present, so lets get this show on the road: (more…)
It’s been a while since I posted one of these, and for a reason. More after the jump…
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Well I’m back from vacation and like everyone else, it wasn’t long enough but life must go on and while things don’t seem to be slowing down here in BWFland, I must continue to give you what i do!
Hot off the heels of the biggest event of the summer, SummerSlam, we’re set for RAW action! Lots of questions to answer – did Triple H know John Cena’s foot was on the bottom rope? Does it matter? Why was the Anonymous RAW GM podium at SummerSlam – is he (or she) back? And perhaps the biggest question of them all – why did Kevin Nash attack CM Punk? Is he working with Del Rio? Is everybody working with Triple H? Is it all just a big C-O-N-Spiracy? Will we find out? Won’t you click the “continue reading” link to find out?
Alright. You guys know I avoid spoilers for RAW like the plague on Monday Nights. So since I spent the last four hours on Twitter, that certainly wasn’t the case for WWE SummerSlam. So, that said, I’m going to do this a little differently than normal. I’m going to watch the PPV knowing what happens, and I’m going to give my thoughts on it. BTW, I read an article recently that says reading spoilers may actually enhance your enjoyment of watching something because you don’t use so much of your brainpower trying to figure out what’s going on for yourself. Is it true? Let’s find out, shall we?
Last week, we saw one of the weirdest, most bizarre changes in wrestling history. Tonight, there seems to be a new era, the real-life McMahon-Helmsley era, if you will. Questions abound. Who will become champion? Will Alberto del Rio cash in Money in the Bank? Will we see Zack Ryder? Who will Mark Henry sideline? Will we ever see Sin Cara again? Will my wife bring me home my drink from Sonic? (She did, btw.)
The signature opens up. How do they have time for Ultimate Warrior? Are they proud of him? Really? (<—— Miz voice) No wonder CM Punk wants to quit.
Whyyyyy in the blue hellllllllll (<——– Rock voice) is the championship match kicking off a Raw? I liked the wrestlers watching in the back. These two had a really good match. Rey and Miz had really nice chemistry together. And then, in a move that surprised absolutely no one, Alberto del Rio came in to cash in his Money in the Bank. Rey let ADR know that he was ready when he did a plancha onto ADR. ADR changed his mind and took his briefcase and went to the back. We all saw ADR cashing it in, but not cowering out.
Vince McMahon on commentary used to drive “Anything can happen in the WWF” down our throats worse than Rocky Maivia. I feel like we’re getting to that place again.
Then we get a nice recap featuring a champagne bath featuring Zack Ryder. And then they cut to John Cena who shook his hand. Don’t worry, John. You’ll get it back in no time.
Then we have Dolph Ziggler versus Evan Bourne. (My wife likes Evan Bourne, so she stayed awake during this match.) Commentary was strong during this match. Lawler made Bourne seem important. This was a really strong match. It got over Ziggler and the sleeper hold. And I don’t think Bourne lost anything by losing here.
Keith Stone is once again on my tv. This is not acceptable. Maryse & Melina vs. Kelly Kelly & Eve Torres. I am liking Eve more and more. And Maryse is sexy. This is quite possibly the worst match on Raw I have seen in some time. I’m just happier that this match got longer than the Keith Stone segment.
R-Truth is talking to Triple-H. Back from the commercial break, Triple-H is in the ring. This feels important. This monologue gives me what I need to browse some Ring of Honor and WWE and MPX (Buy a $Payday$ t-shirt. Just because I said so.) t-shirts. I loved the swerve of us thinking CM Punk was coming out and getting Jim Ross instead. Though I gotta admit. The moment I hear the snare drums, I think of Roddy Piper. Then Cole cut a promo. HHH gave him the rest of the night off as an announcer. But not as a wrestler. Cole had a match next. Then R-Truth got the hottest segment of the night. HHH got to channel his old DX self. “Are you talking to me or are you talking to these other guys?” R-Truth does the psycho eyes better than anybody else. HHH watches R-Truth walk away and lets him know HHH re-signed somebody else-John Morrison.
Then Michael Cole came out to the ring in Triple-H’s music. And his opponent… Zack Ryder. In the span of a minute, my Twitter timeline had 16 comments about Zack Ryder. It was worse than the diva match, but in Cole’s defense, he’s not a wrestler. The crowd went nuts. It was nice. Please tell me they are going to use him.
We had a Kofi-Alberto del Rio match. Kofi is such an incredible athlete. Aside from Rey, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a luchador adjust to the WWE in-ring style as well as del Rio. The finish was really strong. Kofi almost had del Rio down for the pin. Kofi had an injured arm and tapped out because of the injury and looked pretty strong even after a loss.
HHH will be on Smackdown! The exclamation point is there because it’s on the name, not because I’m enthused.
My tv does not need to be adjusted. Jim Ross is supposed to be there. Who has an “Add Jim Ross” on their settings? Maybe he can do commentary on General Hospital. “Stone Cold! Stone Cold!” regarding Jason. (I’m married. Don’t judge me.)
Miz is not happy. A champion needs a face. And, in a cheap plug worthy of DX, Miz will be on The George Lopez Show on Wednesday. Something tells me Miz may NOT be the focal point of that show, as it most likely will be crashed. Then Rey comes out to face the Confederate Warrior. The crowd really is in to John Cena. Maybe they’re in Charleston, SC. I heard the Confederacy was big there. While I can mock them all I want, this was a hot crowd. Cena and Rey fought a really good match. I really had no idea who was going to win this one. Watching Cena win made me a little sick, but then Punk’s music hit and he has new music. They had a nice stare-down with their belts.
All in all, this was such a good Raw. There are things I didn’t like. I didn’t like Cena winning the belt. I didn’t like the divas segment/match. But all the rest of the matches were great. (I’m not counting Ryder-Cole as a match.) It was undpredictable, fun, and it sounds like they are listening to us.
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Vince is walking to the ring (wearing a hideous coat with a color that does not exist in nature) with Johnny Ace in tow (whom I have decided is now mute). CM Punk is ingrateful. There will be an 8-Man Tournament for the championship. John Cena is fired. Tonight will be a night of epic proportions. Will this be a WWE night of epic proportions or will this be TNA’s huge announcement that turns out to be Shark Boy’s evening dinner.
The first match was Miz vs. Alex Riley. Alex Riley is coming along nicely. Miz got the win so I was happy to see that. Miz has been through a lot in the past few weeks in his knee and has done a great job of selling his injuries from last night. Miz ended up with the win so he can lose in the next round and not lose anything.
We were treated to Jack Swagger and R-Truth. The crowd could care less about this match. So could I while watching it. While everybody was so in love with King of the Ring, I wasn’t. The only reason I cared about the results was because it was a launching pad for a lot of careers. I’m not the biggest fan of tournaments (except for ECWA’s Super 8).
Then we got Alberto del Rio vs. Kofi Kingston. And the return of Ricardo Rodriguez, the man with the best hair in the WWE. They had a really exciting match that got the crowd going for a little. Kofi Kingston is slowly becoming one of the top babyfaces on Raw. Kofi came out of nowhere to pin Alberto del Rio. This was the highlight of the night up to this point. (And then it plummeted very quickly as my wife discovered Wikipedia and started giving me the life story of Alberto del Rio. But you already knew that.)
At the point they were interviewing Kofi Kingston, I knew he was getting attacked. And then he didn’t get attacked. Is Kofi getting a rocket strapped to him? Rey-Dolph started out really well. My wife once again ruined wrestling for me by comparing Vicki Guerrero to Carol Burnett. They fought a really good match with Rey picking up the victory.
They did a 14-diva match. There were 28 reasons to watch this match. I don’t think this match lasted 28 seconds. It was long enough for me to swoon for A. J. and wish Sara del Rey was here.
Then we got Kofi and Miz. This match was really good and we had a bloody smile from Miz. I found myself asking if Kofi was really going to win it. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen one of those matches on a Monday Night Raw. If Miz wins this tournament, I don’t see how he can still be a heel. Maybe that’s what they’re doing.
We found time for an Andy Leavine video package. They need to do more of these. Give me a reason to care about these guys. Then we got Rey vs. R-Truth. This should make a pretty good feud because R-Truth hate the “Little Jimmies” and Rey does everything he can for them. The guys are great athletes and would feed off of each other really well. (Break from Raw: The cops in the Twix commercial crack me up every time.) The two fought such a great match with such intense drama. The crowd really got into it as well.
I knew the finals of their tournament wasn’t going to be this week. I thought we would have had to wait til Summerslam. If they had just been up front with us, we would have been fine. I just can’t but feel it was bait ‘n’ switch. Vince introduced Cena. Cena made a reference to “Kevin [Dunn].” So we’re still keeping with the shooting. I like this Cena. He made sense and was rational. “I will walk on somebody else’s show, Brother.” HHH came out and Vince introduced his son-in-law, HHH. Trips is now “The Corporate Game.” HHH is now taking over the day-to-day operations. So Vince is relieved of his duties (with tears).
This Raw was a pretty good disappointment. The only reason is we didn’t get CM Punk. Punk hasn’t gone anywhere yet. He’s building up plenty of buzz for himself and the company. Some people like tournaments. I don’t. But I think the crowd did a good job of building up their momentum. I hated the ending angle. This is typical of the past 10 years. Anything that has gotten hot, the McMahons have tried to insert themselves into it. Looks like my timeline really liked it, but I hated it. I am curious to see where it goes from here.
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Normally AlyKat would be doing her VERY excellent coverage of Monday Night Raw. But due to circumstances beyond her control, you have an opportunity to hear a much different perspective of the night from me. Just think of this as “A Ruff Look at Raw.”
Tonight I will try the live blogging again. I can’t remember the last time I anticipated a Raw this much. There aren’t any gimmicks behind this one; there is just a Raw I want to see really badly tonight. Let’s be honest. Last week was phoned in. This is going to be the true test. Do we get Punk unleashed? Might we even get Cena or Vince unleashed? (Hey, you can’t blame a guy for dreaming.) Are we on the brink of a glory period of wrestling? Rather than a “Golden Age of Wrestling,” we have an “Adamantium Age of Wrestling?”(Better than Gold or Platinum)
We have some questions to answer. Will we see Zack Ryder again? Will Alberto del Rio tell us it’s his destiny to be champion or something? How is Riley doing after Miz’ beatdown? What of the Nexus? And what about this potentially explosively legendary epic moment between Mr. McMahon, John Cena & CM Punk?
The WWE has announced Punk leads off the night with a live mic. This is either going to be “The Promo” or the infamous Matt Hardy promo where he killed his career in 5 minutes. The skinny young Bill Cowher walked to the ring with a megaphone. (Ring of Honor chant #1) Punk cut a great promo about how he has made the WWE relevant. And then John Cena comes out to a surprising pop. The two have a confrontation. This is still all about the match, not Tony Schiavone shooting on Mike Tenay.
John Cena vs. David Otunga & Michael McGillicuddy
God, are you mad at me? Maybe this is a reminder that the WWE has not gone a total 180 and is still a work-in-progress. I’d love to go on the details of this match. But it’s just the last 5 John Cena handicap squash matches. Again. I hate handicap matches. Unless it’s The Giant vs. Pez Whatley & The Gambler. No single person should ever pin the tag team champions cleanly. Can’t we give him Hacksaw Jim Duggan or something? As much as I hate to say this, it was not a bad match. I just hated the premise. It could have been worse. I could have been watching a Keith Stone commercial.
One of the biggest signs that something big was happening during Raw-Twitter crashed. (And something called a Home Run Derby) Dolph and Vickie are talking about the US Title. Drew McIntyre and Vickie both mock “The Boss.” And the Boss showed up. He books them in a handicap match against Big Show. So Vince is a face? And then Scott Stanford asks Vince what the rest of the world thinks or something. Vince tells “the rest of the world” they can go to Hell. So Vince is a heel now? He turns faster than the Acolytes/APA.
We come back from commercial and Melina is back in the ring. We didn’t get to watch her entrance?
Kelly Kelly vs Melina
The Bellas did commentary. I think that is the worst plague to be unleashed on Earth since Glenn Close on the 4th season of The Shield. Kelly finished Melina quicker than Goldberg finished Rick Fuller. And then the Bellas mocked Kelly for being too skinny. So Kharma was too fat? And now Kelly is too skinny? Make up your mind, Bellas. I don’t like the Bellas being in the anti-bullying ad. Are they characters or not? Too many blurry lines.
When we come back from break, Miz climbs on top of the latter and cuts a great promo. And of course he gets interrupted by Jack Swagger. And then Evan Bourne interferes. And then Kofi comes out and we see pyro (I squee). Then we get R-Truth. He is an Acrophobe (me too) and an Arachnophobe. And then Alex Riley runs out. And then we get Alberto del Rio. Then the Anonymous Raw GM makes a match.
We got to see Big Show and Bruce Campbell together in the same segment. Pure awesomeness. Too bad it was for Burn Notice.
The 6-man was hard to keep track of. It got to help further the PPV. This is what they call a go-home show. And they definitely went home. Alex Riley got the pin, so it looks like they are committed to strapping a rocket to Alex Riley. I sure hope he’s ready for it. And Alberto del Rio got to stand in the middle of the ring like he was going to win. That means he will not win.
Big Show vs. Drew McIntyre & Dolph Ziggler
My iPod froze during this match so I spent my focus on resetting it. This is exactly what a handicap match should be. Neither wrestler lost anything. Mark Henry came out and took Big Show through a table. It was a pretty good visual. I love this deadly Mark Henry.
Vince and Punk did their showdown. While Vince sat at the table, Punk paced around the ring with a microphone. Vince called CM Punk by his first name. No wonder Phil goes by “CM Punk.” Punk went over the provisions of his contract. 1. He gets to push Vince. 2. He wants to be WWE Ice Cream Bars. 3. He wants to be in Chaperone II. 4. He wants the Wrestlemania Main Event. 5. He wants Vince to apologize for suspending him. After much prodding (that included Colt Cabana & Luke Gallows), we had this:
“I apologize, you son of a bitch.”
-Vincent Kennedy McMahon
Then Cena came out to the ring. Before his music hit, we had “Colt Cabana” chants. (WTF? Was that real?) Cena regressed into 5th grader Johnny. But there were some moments where Cena would turn into sober, serious John. Punk called Cena the New York Yankees. (Oh, no he didn’t.)
I’m trying to think of what I liked and didn’t like about this Raw. I really liked the WWE’s focus. They needed to push a pay-per-view, and that is exactly what they did. The matches were sub-par. The promos were really good. I am feeling sold on the pay-per-view and I don’t know how this is supposed to end. I’m very intrigued.
Ladies and gentlemen, I exist!! I missed you all so much, and I wanna say thanks to the boss man, ThinkSoJoE and Gee, both of which have covered for me a lot lately. I appreciate it. Unfortunately, my situation’s a bit of a bitchy one. I may not be able to cover RAW for you all on a weekly basis. It turns out that I only get my schedule Friday or Saturday nights, and it only covers a week. I never know if I’m working Monday nights during RAW or not. So, I may end up just being a guest reviewer again. I’m sorry!! But, I’ll cover it as long as I’m able!
Anyway, enough of that. Happy Fourth of July everyone! I hope you enjoy it, and I hear fireworks going off now, but I’m ignoring them for the first time in my LIFE to write the RAW Review for you all, since I have been unable to do so for a while. Also, I don’t know what’s been going on. I know Punk got suspended/fired/fed the fuck up, but that’s all I know. Also, thanks to WWE’s FaceBook page, I know that we’ll have a Triple Threat Match between R-Truth, Alberto Del Rio and Rey Mysterio to see who will face John Cena at Money in the Bank for the WWE Championship! OH GOODIE!
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last Monday was RAW Roulette! R-Truth vs John Cena in a Tables Match, where R-Truth wins, due to a distraction by CM Punk. Oh, yeah, and CM Punk says some stuff about Cena and the WWE and Vince McMahon.>
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR TABLES HURT ME!
John Cena makes his way to the ring with considerably less pomp and circumstance than normal. He looks unhappy… Wonder why. Cena says that there’s major unrest in the WWE Universe. Apparently, Punk said some things that didn’t quite mesh too well with the brass in the WWE. So much so that because of his recent outburst, the WWE has suspended him indefinitely. What that means Is he’s also stripped of his right to compete in his last match in his hometown to face John for the WWE Championship. The WWE has thrown together a Triple Threat match to find a replacement Number One Contender. As for CM Punk, we are just supposed to sweep him under the rug, ignore his accomplishments, outbursts, legacy, and pretend he never existed. John’s never seen eye-to-eye with Punk and he has a voice, and he’s weighing in on the WWE’s decision, and he says it sucks. Punk and John don’t agree on everything, especially Punk’s concept of loyalty to the WWE brand. But Punk has been suspended for speaking his mind, telling everyone how he feels? John knows exactly it’s a PG show and knows what he can and cannot say, but John found nothing wrong with it, despite not agreeing with it. His question to us, the WWE Universe, is where does this stop? Where does the WWE stop? There was an incident where Daniel Bryan was fired for being too aggressive. There’s speculation that WWE can confiscate signs we make. And Punk has been suspended indefinitely for speaking his mind? The audience is chanting First Amendment. John looks like the Kool-Aid Man in jorts. Does the audience have to act a certain way? Cena says that the program is bigger than emails back and forth, so there will be no more back and forth with an anonymous GM during his tirade. Cena was answers from Mr. McMahon. Vince is on his way tonight and promises to be in the building. And when Vince gets there, they’re going to talk it out in the ring, not backstage. And Vince has some ‘splainin to do. More importantly, we will hear first hand from our WWE Champion that he wants to face CM Punk at Money in the Bank.
Oh, God. Next up, the fakey-Champ, Kelly Kelly and Eve are facing the whores. Just saying.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar “I called Vince McMahon earlier today. He is on speed dial. I have him #6 He’s in my group known as AC/DC buddies” – John Cena
@ThingsColeSays OMG, Cena’s not running to the ring! He must be SUPER CEREAL.
@HitTheRopes Haven’t read the spoilers but I’ll assume the Divas match ends under 2 minutes. #WWE
@Niki_Sushi I don’t know ’bout y’all, but I refuse to Chris Benoit @CMPunk. #BWF #RAW #ImSuspended
@KeepItFiveStar Kelly Kelly has moved on from Justin Gabriel with the new man in her life, Eve Torres.
Hey, look! The Miz finally gave up the Money in the Bank briefcase!
The Bella Twins vs. Diva’s Champion Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres
… Don’t get me wrong, okay. I believe that women can wrestle very well. I just don’t believe these women (and Eve) can wrestle well. That’s all.
Anyway. I’m sure there was a match, but I was trying to develop X-Ray vision to see through the house behind me to see the fireworks. It didn’t work.
Divas Champion Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres win via pinfall.
Hey, Andy won WWE Tough Enough. Whoever that was.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: WWE Tough Enough Winner, Andy.>
R-Truth is on the phone with Flo, from Progressive about getting him some insurance. Scott Stanford interrupts and says that he wants Truth’s thoughts on the Triple Threat match and getting another chance against Cena. Truth says he should be rewarded a title match, not having to compete in the Triple Threat match. A conspiracy. The good news is he saved 15% by switching over to Geico on his car insurance (…). The bad news, someone’s gonna get got. He turns around to see Alberto del Rio and then says “First Little Jimmy, now Senor Jimmy?!” Rio says it’s all about destiny, and his destiny is to become the new WWE Champion, but… Truth already knows that.
<COMMERCIAL>
@HitTheRopes Truth is talking to Flo? Is it Aunt Flo? Is Truth on the rag? #WWE
@CMPunkSays OK, he was just talking to the Progressive lady, and now he plugs GEICO? They have no idea what they’re talking about, do they? #WWE
@KeepItFiveStar You see what had happen was Kelly Kelly & her Sindel screaming popped the Bellas eardrums. She took advantage and got the win. She cheated
@KeepItFiveStar Kelly Kelly with her Bugs Bunny style of sexual harassment offense
@kickoutblog Eve’s rump-shaking moonsault is as bad as Victoria’s. #SheAintALadyToMessWit
@seraphalexiel Random: I remember the time when Brie went to Maria to make her two of the exact same wrestling gear when they didn’t admit Nikki existed
@ULTIMATEMARKOUT YOU CAN LOOK BUT YOU CAN’T WRESTLE
Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov vs. WWE Tag Team Champions David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty
I’m mad they came out to CM Punk’s music. Put it back to that “We Are One” bullshit. THAT’S RIGHT! PUT IT BACK! Hey, wait. Otunga, this is your chance to take that shit over! Oh, wait, you suck.
Otunga and Marella start it out with Otunga pushing Santino back and Santino tells him to try it again. Otunga does it again and Santino fakes a kick to Otunga, who returns by dropping Santino to the ground painfully. Otunga Whips Santino, who jumps over Otunga and goes for the Cobra. Otunga runs out of the ring, however, and then climbs back in, tagging in McGuillicutty. McGuillicutty kicks Santino, then drops him to the ground. McGuillicutty stands him up, and Santino punches him before dropping him and smacking his head against the turnbuckle. Kozlov gets tagged in and goes for a quick cover, but McGuillicutty kicks out. Kozlov drives some hard shoulders into McGuillicutty, then tags in Santino. Santino is then thrown into McGuillicutty’s torso and goes for a cover. It doesn’t work and he tags in Kozlov, who dominates McGuillicutty, dropping him onto the top ropes. Kozlov goes to throw McGuillicutty, but Otunga distracts him and McGuillicutty takes advantage, quickly tagging in Otunga, both of them double-teaming Kozlov. Otunga kicks Kozlov in the head and then goes for a cover, but Kozlov kicks out. Santino starts a Kozlov chant and Kozlov starts to fight back, but Otunga stops him and tags in McGuillicutty. The two try to suplex him, but Kozlov double suplexes them instead and tags in Santino, who blocks McGuillicutty’s hit and then hits him back, avoiding both of them trying to get him with a split. Santino dive-head butts McGuillicutty, and then sets up the Cobra, but has to hit Otunga with it. McGuillicutty takes advantage and hits Santino with a swinging neckbreaker for the win.
WWE Tag Team Champions David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty win via pinfall.
OOOH RADIO, TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW!
OMFG IT’S ZACK!
“Woo woo woo. You know it.”
That’s it. I think that he’s definitely throwing down a challenge, and no one’s smart enough to get it.
Money in the Bank ladder match participants: Swagger, Kofi, Rey, Evan, Truth, Rio, Riley, Miz. (unless Truth, Rey, or Rio win tonight).
Coming up tonight, Alex Riley will face The Miz again, one on one.
<COMMERCIAL>
@dasharpshooters David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty cannot use CM Punk’s theme. Thats like JTG using Shawn Michaels’ music. #wwe #raw
@KeepItFiveStar ZACK RYDER!!!!
@CMPunkSays RYDER RYDER RYDER #WWE
@JRosz78 Oh SHIT Ryder on my tv!!!!!!!
@kickoutblog Webgasm on the way. Zack Ryder is here.
@Niki_Sushi Twitter just blew up. #BWF #RAW #RyderRevolution
!HitTheRopes Holy hell @ZackRyder just made a Raw moment. Don’t know what that moment is but it’s a moment. #WWE
@redsandman99 Zack Ryder appears and 99% of my timeline jizzed themselves.
Vince still has to come out and answer us.
Scott Stanford tells Miz he’s never beat Riley and tonight, are we going to see something new? Miz says that CM Punk has been suspended so there’s another golden opportunity to be WWE Champion, but he wasn’t picked because of Alex Riley. Riley’s a nuisance who sent him off course. Miz could have kicked him to the curb a long time ago, but Miz gave him an opportunity, one that he abused. Miz brought him into the WWE, and he will take him out tonight. It all ends tonight. Because he’s the Miz, and he’s awesome.
Evan and Sgt. Slaughter are backstage, and Evan says that they’re lucky to have him out here tonight. Sgt. Slaughter says that he’s happy to be there to lead everyone in the Pledge of Allegiance. Swagger says that Slaughter was around when the country got their independence, and Swagger should lead the WWE Universe in the Pledge. Slaughter says that everyone makes mistake: him, Evan, Jack’s parents by not using birth control. Swagger says Slaughter should make a mistake by getting in the ring with Swagger.
Now we see “earlier tonight” that McMahon’s jet has landed.
Later tonight, a Triple Threat match with Truth vs Rey vs Alberto.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi DAMMIT @WWEUniverse! YOU SHOULD’VE WARNED ME ABOUT EVAN! I JUST SQUEE’D MYSELF! #BWF #RAW
@CMPunkSays Someone call GLAAD! Oh wait, he said “maggot.” False alarm. #WWE #Raw
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Wrestlemania XXVI, Jack Swagger wins the Money in the Bank Ladder Match and then wins the World Heavyweight Championship.>
Jack Swagger vs. Sgt. Slaughter
Slaughter and Swagger lock up, then Swagger breaks it with a knee to Slaughter’s gut. He then backs Slaughter into a corner and Slaughter starts fighting back, delivering hard hits to Swagger’s chest. Slaughter starts to Whip Swagger, but Swagger counters. Slaughter locks in the Cobra Clutch, but Swagger manages to fight out. Swagger bounces off the ropes to belly-flop on Slaughter and goes for the cover.
Jack Swagger wins via pinfall.
Swagger then locks in the ankle lock on Slaughter, only for Evan to come out. @Niki_Sushi just lost her mind. Evan chases Swagger out of the ring and talks to the ref to help Slaughter out, and keeps an eye on Swagger as well, who seems to have injured his pride pretty deeply. Evan gets a microphone for Slaughter, and Slaughter starts the Pledge of Allegiance.
Up next, the Triple Threat Number One Contender match.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Guess the Sarge’s chin just wasn’t into the match.. #BWF #RAW
@CMPunkSays EVAN BOURNE IS AMERICA, AND SO CAN YOU #WWE #Raw
@kickoutblog I was really hoping Sarge would’ve turned on Bourne there and formed an All-American alliance with Jackie Swaggs.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last Week, Mark Henry rips the door off the hinges and slams Big Show right through the wall of a steel cage. Kool Aid Man gone loco.>
Alberto del Rio vs R-Truth (and his lame intro) vs Rey Mysterio
1) Where the FUCK is Ricardo Rodriguez? Wait, I’m sure I actually missed this in the past few weeks. Nevermind.
2) GET SOME GODDAMN THEME MUSIC, R-TRUTH! The overwhelming sound of boos that greets you is about to become your permanent theme.
… Anyway, let’s get on with the match. Because I love more than two people in the ring at a time.
Rio starts immediately on Truth, and Rey goes to town on Rio, then on Truth. Rio delivers a harsh kick to Rey’s knee, then head. Rio throws Rey into a turnbuckle, but Rey moves when Rio tries to jump on him. Rey starts for Truth, but Rio dropkicks him in the head. Rio kicks Truth in the head, then tries to grab Truth before Truth rolls out. Rio then focuses on Rey again, going for a quick cover, but Rey kicks out. Rio Whips Rey, who holds onto the ropes and ducks, sending Rio through them and onto the floor.
Truth gets back in the ring and Rey’s focus is on Rio, but Truth spins and does some purty thing to distract Rey. Truth goes for the cover, but Rey kicks out. Truth pounds on Rey’s head and screams ‘What’s up now?!’, which gets his theme going again. Truth stomps on Rey, who rolls under the bottom rope and falls right out of the ring. Truth follows him out and slaps him right by the audience. Truth then throws Rey head first into the guard rail, and focuses on Rio, throwing him into the fan barrier guard rail thingamajig too. Truth turns his focus back to Rey and kicks him in the stomach. Rey gets back in the ring, and truth goes for another cover, but Rey kicks out. Rey stands up, but Truth follows and Whips him into the other turnbuckle, going for another quick cover. Rey kicks out at two again. Truth argues with the ref.
New block! Truth goes right back to beating on Rey before stepping on his neck. Truth stands Rey up and pimp slaps that ho for not giving him is money! Slaps Rey, but something happens and Truth goes out to beat up Rio for a minute. Rey starts to fight back on Truth, back in the ring, and Truth side-slams Rey. Truth goes for another cover, but Rey kicks out again. Rio comes back into the ring by attacking Truth and then going after Rey again. Rey kicks Rio in the face and Rey then hurricanranas Rio. Truth focuses on Rey again and throws Rey into the turnbuckle. Rey and Truth are on the turnbuckle and Rio fights Truth. Rio gets Truth on his shoulders, Rey then launches on both of them. And-
<COMMERCIAL>
@HitTheRopes The fact that Mysterio is wearing white just makes Truth seem even darker.
@KeepItFiveStar What the hell is with Rey’s titantron? He’s trying to cause seizures! What a horrible person.
@Niki_Sushi Alberto Del Rio isn’t nearly as cool as he thinks he is. Ricardo Rodriguez brought it all to the table. #RAW #BWF #ButYouAlreadyKnewThat
@HitTheRopes Mark Henry rewind = someone’s gonna get their ass kicked. #WWE
@TKeep123 “Say the pledge, damn it!” -What Slaughter is thinking…. #WWR #RAW #BWF
OHSHITSORRYGOTDISTRACTED!
Rio is owning Rey now. Rey is Whipped across the ring and starts to show momentum, but Rio puts a stop to that and goes for a cover, but Rey kicks out. Rey tries to hide in the corner, but Rio follows and Whips him into another buckle. Rey gives a drop toe hold to Rio, sending his face right into the turnbuckle. Truth is on the apron and sends his shoulder into Rey’s abdomen. Rey stops Truth from lifting Rey off his feet and Rio does something, and then Truth is pimp slapping smacking Rio, then Truth tries to pin Rio. Truth then drops Rey onto his stomach and goes for a cover, but Rio breaks the cover. Rio hits the Codbreaker Backstabber whatever it was on Truth and Rey breaks up the pin. Rio then takes it out on Rey and Rey puts his knee in Rio’s face, but Truth breaks up the pin. I hate Triple Threat matches.
Truth gets Rey to his feet, kicks him in the stomach, then hits the scissor kick Lie Detector and goes for a cover, but Rio breaks the pin. Rio throws Truth into a corner, but Truth dives out of the way when Rio comes at him. Rey hits the 619, climbs up, and then hits the seated Senton. Rio comes in with the cross arm breaker and it’s all over.
Alberto del Rio wins via submission.
John Cena still needs to confront Vince McMahon about CM Punk. That needs to hurry up and get here.
<COMMERCIAL>
@HitTheRopes What a loser Rey is. He tapped immediately. He didn’t even try to see if Truth would try to break the submission. #Reycist #WWE
@imababyface thats not vintage del rio…thats vintage Carlito!
@WWE_Creative Density has bought Alberto Del Rio to the #1 Contender Slot. #RAWTonight
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Wrestlemania 21 Money in the Bank Ladder match is won by Edge, who cashes in to win the WWE Championship.>
I am perfection!!!
Holy shit, Dolph is important again! … Well, important-ish.
Vickie and United States Champion Dolph Ziggler make their way to the ring, where there’s a whole celebration set up. Vickie says it’s a special night and we’re celebrating the USA’s birthday! And, since Ziggler is OUR United States Champion, she thought (her first mistake) it’d be fitting if we gave him a birthday to him as well. So, let’s all join her in singing. But, that’s not about to happen. Oh, minus those five people. And Cole.
Vickie sings like Jillian Hall, just lower octave. That’s all.
She asks if he wants to tell us his wish before she blows out his candle-I MEAN HE BLOWS OUT HIS CANDLES!
Dolph says we have no idea how good we have it, witnessing the finest superstar in his prime, or something, and there will never be another Dolph Ziggler. They don’t have an idea what it’s like to be a natural in the ring. Forget Punk, Cena, the WWE Title, and as long as he’s the United States Champion, this is the only title we need to make Monday Night RAW perfection.
Kofi comes out and says that we’re gonna have a party and not invite him? That’s messed up. He guesses Dolph could come out and brag all day and have a party title celebration, but the fact of the matter is that without Vickie in his corner, Dolph cannot beat Kofi. Dolph says he got dis. Kofi, he and Dolph used to be toe to toe, but Kofi’s still here (low), and Dolph’s on his way here (high) (Hahaha, there’s a joke there). Dolph just left him in the dust, so in case Kofi didn’t notice, they’re having a party so BEAT IT! BEAT IT! NO ONE WATNS TO BE DEFEATED! Something happens, but I was jamming to Michael Jackson in my head and Vickie ends up ass first in the cake. Kofi and Dolph fight, and Kofi sends Dolph into Vickie, who ends up torso first in the cake. Vickie doesn’t scream this time, just calmly, with rage brewing deep inside, walks out of the ring.
Up next, Alex Riley and The Miz go one-on-one.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Oh no, ass in the cake! OH NO! FACE IN THE CAKE! Vickie, you might as well just rub some cake on your arms. BATHE IN IT!!! #BWF #RAW
@KeepItFiveStar Kofi, you have a M.I.T.B. match to focus on. You should move on from the U.S. Title
@KeepItFiveStar S.O.S! I hear them JOBBIN! S.O.S! Why am I tryinnnnnnn?! (I’m jobbin!”
@chynnacena Notice how vicky still licks the cake lmbo #wwe #raw #bwf
@WWE_Creative We may be the only company on the planet with a cake budget that high despite the fact that no one ever gets to eat the cake. #RAWTonight
<VIDEO PACKAGE: RAW Money in the Bank PPV match. The Miz wins his first Money in the bank match and cashes in (ON THE NIGHT I’M THERE IN ORLANDO!) to become the WWE Champion.>
The Miz vs Alex Riley
Hey! The Miz did his previous thing where he raises his arms with three fi-… Nevermind. I’m having a moment.
Riley runs to the ring and tries to go right for Miz, but the ref stops him.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Alex Riley.>
Miz and Riley lock up, and Miz backs Riley into the corner. Riley shoves him off and Riley pushes Miz into the corner hitting him with forearms. Miz fights back and the two exchange blows. Riley hits a hard almost-clothesline on Miz and then kicks Miz out of the ring. Riley follows and slams Miz’ head on the fan barrier before throwing him back in the ring. Miz kicks Riley before stomping on him a few times. Miz bounces off the ropes to kick Riley in the face before going for the cover, Riley kicking out at two. Miz knees Riley’s chest a few times before gripping Riley’s neck. Riley tries to fight out of it before he finally does, throwing Miz off him. Miz moves out of the corner when Riley tries to hit him, then DDTs (or something) Riley and goes for the cover. Riley kicks out and Miz digs his knee into Riley’s neck. Miz hits Riley then goes for another cover, but Riley kicks out. Miz starts to hit Riley, but Riley blocks and delivers some hits of his own, but Miz fights back and drops Riley on his face before going for another cover. Miz tells Riley that he made him, and Riley’s had enough. He fights back against Miz and delivers hard shoulders to Miz’ torso before another DDT and cover, but Riley kicks out.
<COMMERCIAL>
@JRosz78 Finally #RAW Just got AWEEEEEEEEESOME! @mikethemiz #RAW #BWF
@KeepItFiveStar No one is going to say anything to Alex Riley’s face. Look at what he did to The Miz after The Miz was brutally honest with him!
@kickoutblog WWE video editing team working overtime this week.
@Niki_Sushi According to Cole, Awry’s gonna get got. #BWF #RAW
Riley has the momentum via Riley throwing Miz to the ground, making him land on the back of his head. Both fight to get up and then Riley Spears Miz. The two move in a frenzy, but Riley is getting the upper hand, hitting a Spine buster. Miz kicks out at two, and Riley starts to hit something, but Miz counters. Miz hits his swinging corner clothesline on Riley and then starts to hit a backbreaker, but Riley counters and picks up a cheap victory.
Alex Riley wins via pinfall.
Rage finally gets the best of Miz, and Miz runs back in the ring, attacking Riley from behind and throwing him out of the ring. Miz follows Riley and drives Riley into the fan barrier and then over it, following him again. Miz throws Riley back over, then throws him into the steel steps. Miz stays right on top of Riley though, and tries to rip Riley’s face off via his nose and upper lip. Miz then bounces Riley’s head off the announce table and kicks him in the chin, right over the announce table.
A limo pulls up outside the arena, and out steps none other than Vincent Kennedy McMahon. He comes to the ring up next.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Charles Robinson with his white parent in a grocery store type of scolding “No Miz! Miz! You go back right now! Miz! Miz! MIZ! …NO!”
@kickoutblog The kick is good! Miz with the extra point!
@WWE_Creative Somewhere @TheRealMorrison is sitting at home with an @AlexRileyWWE voodoo doll. #RAWTonight
@HitTheRopes And finally, Vince McMahon finally decided to get off the Hulk Hogan route to the arena.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last Week… Wait, this is the same as the FIRST ONE TONIGHT>
No chance, that’s what ya got…
Vince struts his way to the ring, as per usual. I’m going to watch DX mocking him and Shane after RAW’s over now.
Vince thanks us and then says the CM Punk thing has gotten out of hand. He suspended Punk because he deserved it. Really, it’s like when Punk comes out here and says the things he says and we’d do the same thing he did if we were in his shoes. It’s not about him and his family, it’s about him doing what’s right for us. That’s what he does. He was going to tell us a story about Vince? Vince will tell us a story about him. Punk’s contract is almost over. So, Punk says Vince this is what I want, special limo service, fly first class, etc. etc. Vince says Punk wasn’t worthy of being on DVDs/magazines, and he suspended Punk because he deserved it. Punk is just that, a punk. Vince says he’ll see us next week in Boston.
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR NO BULLSHIT!
Cena doesn’t even stop this time and walks right down to the ring.
Cena asks if that’s it. After an unbelievable tirade like that, a suspension, and stripping him of his number one contendership, Vince is going to call him a punk and kick him to the curb? Vince says that Punk did it to himself, and John says that he spoke his mind. Vince believes in the first amendment, right? Vince says that’s why Cena’s mic is still working. Cena says that Vince has always been a fighter. He remembers when Vince would walk down the ramp and do his walk (which Cena mimics terribly), and whoever stood in Vince’s way, Vince would fight. Vince took down people because he was a fighter. Punk says a few things that get under Vince’s skin, so Vince suspends him. Has Vince finally gone soft? Are those famous McMahon grapefruits now peach pits? If Vince doesn’t wanna fight anymore, Cena still wants to, and he wants to fight Punk. And if Vince doesn’t feel like fighting, maybe he should hang it up.
Vince says he’ll tell us why Vince really suspended Punk. Vince doesn’t wanna take a chance on Cena. Doesn’t wanna take a chance that Punk defeats Cena. Vince takes calculated risks, which is how he beat everyone who gets in his way. Therefore if Punk defeats Cena, Punk will walk out and into some other organization, and Vince will not be embarrassed. Cena says that the billionaire chairman afraid of being embarrassed. Vince is afraid of Cena not beating Punk. Cena says that he’s not going to guarantee he’s going to beat Punk, but Punk earned a spot and the people want to see it. Oh, and God forbid we embarrass Vince McMahon. As a member of the WWE Universe, MitB is the biggest PPV of the year. Can Punk pull it off? Can Cena win against Punk? It’s not embarrassing, it sounds like the match of the year. But some kid said something that Vince didn’t like, so Vince suspended him. Cena asks if he says something Vince doesn’t like, will Cena gets suspended? Vince tells him not to piss him off. Vince says don’t be Hogan or anyone that came before him. Vince says they’ll talk in front of these people, but talk to him one on one. Vince gave a logical explanation. Vince doesn’t wanna take the chance of being embarrassed. Cena says he should give the people what we want. Vince says Cena is embarrassing him now. Vince doesn’t give a damn what we want because he is not gonna jeopardize who he is and his company. Doesn’t John get this isn’t His company? Before John, there were others. Doesn’t John get that? It’s Vince’s company. And Vince does what’s right for the company, and for each and every one of us. His decisions are good ones. Vince asks if they’re good. John says he gets it and its Vince’s company. He gets it and he’s not stupid. But, if that’s how Vince wants to run it, it’s not something Cena signed up for. He gets it, everyone is replaceable. Cena works himself to the bone for Vince and the brand because he thinks that this stands for something. You’re so worried about Punk taking the championship and making it meaningless, and if you just kick him to the curb, you make it meaningless. Cena passes Vince the Championship and starts to walk out. Vince tells him to stop, and Cena does. Vince tells Cena not to go anywhere and makes his way out of the ring. Vince and Cena stand nose to nose, and then Vince says alright, I hate this has come between them. Punk’s reinstated, and Cena has his match. Vince says Cena shouldn’t be smiling because if Punk walks out of Chicago with the championship, Cena is fired.
Interesting RAW tonight, guys. I’ll be back… when I’m back. Sorry about the lack of appearance, guys. I’m working on it.
Time for the Power Poll folks! The ratings seem fairly close to the shows rated for last week’s Smackdown and iMPACT (not the episodes that fell on May 13 and 12). Let’s check out our rankings:
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