MVP is totally going to show up in the iMPACT Zone tonight! He got future endeavored by the WWE today, so obviously with the no-compete clause, the last sentence you read is a lie. I miss the days before that clause… Let’s see what REALLY happened on this pretaped go-home episode…
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Drowgoddess couldn’t be here today, but we at BWF will be stoked to hear her comments when possible. I just finished watching the Canadian broadcast of NXT when I noticed JoE threw the “G” symbol in the sky. So here is another installment of G’s retarded suffrage that is iMPACT…. you’ve been warned… or as one of my favorite all time wrasslin’ bloggers Zah would say Booyah!!! (more…)
sorry guys i had family issues heres the show sorry its so late….
The show starts out with highlights of last week’s show focusing on the sagas going on with Bischoff and Foley and the Orlando Screwjob last week.
After the Impact intro Taz reveals that there will be an 8-Card Stud Tournament at Against All Odds for someone to earn a shot at the TNA World Title and the qualifying matches stat tonight. Hulk Hogan’s music hits and the Hulkster makes his way out to the ring accompanied by Eric Bischoff. Hogan calls Foley out the ring, I thought he was fired? Foley makes his way out with Bischoff looking none too happy. Hogan says things are going good in TNA right now but he wants to nip a lot of things in the bud. He says they are going to work things out between Foley and Bischoff right here and now, but Bischoff butts in and says that he fired Foley last week after he attacked him. Hogan says that a lot of buttons have been pushed so far while they’ve been in TNA and he’s never had a chance to work with Foley, but he sees a lot of good things for TNA in Foley. He sees that they can turn Foley into asset but Bischoff says he laid his hands on him last week. Foley says that last week he wanted to put his hands on Bischoff and he WISHES that he did, but with that tiny little laceration on his head that it’s obvious to everyone that Foley didn’t touch Bischoff. Bischoff says everyone saw him covered in blood last week and asks Foley if he expects anyone to believe him. Foley says they’ll believe it because if he had attacked Bischoff they would have carried him out. Hogan says he’s not saying he doesn’t believe Bischoff but they need to make sense of this situation. He tells Foley to either work it out or walk out.
—COMMERCIAL BREAK—
In the back Bubba the Love Sponge and Jeff Jarrett arrive backstage and Bubba tells Jarrett not to do him wrong because he “cashed in” his “friendship card” to setup this meeting with Jeff and Hogan tonight.
We cut to Christy Hemme and Mr. Anderson in the back. Before she can really say anything Anderson cuts her off after she introduces him as Ken Anderson. He says she needs to get it right, it’s Mr. Anderson. Anderson takes the microphone from her and says he has to do everything for himself. He says he doesn’t have a match tonight so it looks like he’ll have to book himself. Anderson issues an open challenge to anyone in the back and he doesn’t care if it’s Sting, Beer Money, the Guns, Samoa Joe, the cameraman, or Christy herself. Anderson says he’s praying that it’s Abyss and pleads to Abyss to accept his challenge. He says it doesn’t matter who accepts the challenge because the only name that will matter is….MR. ANDERSON! He started to walk off and when Christy said something he came back and screamed his last name in her face again, priceless.
At ringside Taz and Tenay discuss the 8-Card Stud Tournament. Tonight the qualifying matches begin and the matches are as follows: Wolfe vs. Morley and Daniels vs. Hernandez. They say that the results of this tournament will lead to a ranking (Top 10) system for the Heavyweight Championship going forward.
8-Card Stud Tournament Qualifying Match
Desmond Wolfe w/Chelsea vs. Sean Morley
Taz reveals that Desmond Wolfe told him that his valet’s name is Chelsea. You know I just remembered that Morley promised a few months ago that he would be coming back to CMLL soon (after he canceled his planned tour) and it doesn’t look like that will be happening anytime soon. That can’t do TNA and CMLL’s relationship any favors. Wolfe and Morley lockup and Morley locks in a wristlock right off the bat. Morley wrenches in on the arm with a hammerlock but Wolfe reverses the hold and Morley immediately grabs the ropes. Wolfe releases the hold but then he kicks the top rope (the arm was draped over the rope) and immediately hits a cross chop on Morley in the corner. Wolfe chokes Morley with his boot and then argues with the referee as he tries to get Wolfe to stop choking him. This allows Morley to recover and hit a series of clotheslines. Morley follows up with a chop and then he whips Wolfe into the ropes and nails him with a knee to the gut. Morley attempts to whip Wolfe into the ropes again but Wolfe counters into the Hammerlock DDT. Wolfe locks in a knuckle lock and then he places Morley’s hand inside of Wolfe’s own knee and drops back wrenching down on the hand and arm. Morley’s shoulders are down on the mat and it earns Wolfe a nearfall. Wolfe then grabs the leg of Morley and rolls him forward onto his stomach and puts Morley’s other arm (the first arm is still trapped in Wolfe’s leg) around Wolfe’s body and bridges back. He’s pretty much turning Morley inside out (I’m having trouble describing this obviously). Morley is able to free himself and roll backwards to escape the hold. He then grabs Wolfe by the feet but Wolfe kicks him off. Morley comes back with a body shot and then a big right hand. Morley goes for a DDT but Wolfe counters with an arm wringer! Wolfe charges at Morley in the corner now but Morley gets his foot up and then Wolfe goes for a Lariat. Morley ducks it and then hits a big back elbow followed by a clothesline. Morley hits a Neckbreaker but only gets a one count on that one. Morley throws Wolfe into the corner and shoots in for a clothesline, but Wolfe kicks that already weakened arm. Wolfe goes for the Jawbreaker Lariat but Morley counters it into a Half Nelson Slam! Morley climbs to the top for Money Shot but Wolfe crotches him and then hits the Tower of London! 1…2…3 and Wolfe advances to the tournament.
Winner: Desmond Wolfe via pinfall (Tower of London)
In the back Jeff Jarrett walks into Bischoff & Hogan’s office. Bischoff asks Jarrett where his attorney is and Jarrett apologies about all that. He says that Bubba got him to see things different and that he has done certain things in the past few years to break some people’s trust, but he wants to repair everything. Hogan says if this is the ‘old’ Jeff Jarrett that he knew when he first worked with the Jarrett family then he is all for it. Jarrett says if he has to start at the very bottom of the ladder he’ll work his way up. Hogan says they need help right now and Jarrett says he’s ready. Bischoff says he has an idea and says that Anderson just made an open challenge. He says Jarrett wants to get back in the ring and tonight Jeff Jarrett will make his TNA return against Mr. Anderson in the Main Event! Jarrett complains that h hasn’t wrestled in 7 months but Hogan says this is best for TNA. Jarrett says he’ll go get ready and Bischoff tells him good luck. He starts laughing as Jarrett leaves and Hogan says “damn, you’re stiff” and tells him to take it down a notch.
—COMMERCIAL BREAK—
After the break footage is shown from last week’s Orlando Screwjob. As if I really needed to see that again. Tenay says that Angle has been in TNA offices all week but cameras were denied access.
In AJ Styles lockerroom he and Flair are looking at a bunch of custom suits that Flair has gotten AJ. A beautiful woman is standing there with them as AJ says they’re going to be on a 30 day vacation. Styles is flirting with the girl and she tells she has a friend for Ric. Flair says he’s the ‘oldest ride, longest line’ (oh my god that is hilarious) and AJ says some things never change.
8-Card Stud Tournament Qualifying Match
“Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels vs. “Super Mex” Hernandez
Daniels attacks Hernandez as he gets in the ring and puts the boots to the big man. Daniels lights him up with chops and forearms and then he slams Hernandez’s head into the top turnbuckle. Daniels attempts to whip Hernandez into the ropes but he blocks it and puts that massive knee of his into the gut of Daniels. Hernandez grabs Daniels and hits the Delayed Vertical Suplex. Hernandez goes for a clothesline but Daniels ducks it and then goes for a Sunset Flip, but Hernandez blocks it and then picks Daniels up by his throat and hits the Crackerjack! Daniels comes back by raking the eyes of Hernandez and then nailing an Enziguri. 1…2…NO Hernandez kicks out. Daniels puts the boots to Hernandez and then puts a nerve hold on him. Hernandez fights it off with back elbows but Daniels nails a jawbreaker and then an S.T.O. followed by an Asai Moonsault! 1…2…NO Hernandez kicks out! Daniels grabs Hernandez and goes for the Angels Wings but Hernandez counters it with a backdrop. Daniels comes right back with a Running Knee Strike to the back of Hernandez sending him through the ropes and crashing to the floor. Hernandez starts to get back in the ring and Daniels meets him but Hernandez nails him with a shoulder block through the ropes followed by the Slingshot Shoulder Block! Hernandez follows up with a clothesline and then he whips Daniels into the ropes and hits a big Backdrop. Hernandez hits the Corner Splash and then he takes his shirt off and wraps it around Daniels neck. He uses the shirt to Biel Throw Daniels clear across the ring. Hernandez goes for another Corner Splash but Daniels moves out of the way and hits a big Forearm Smash. Hernandez is down in the corner and Daniels charges but Hernandez gets his foot up and kicks Daniels in the gut. Hernandez then grabs the top rope and pulls himself all the way to the top. Daniels destroys him with a huge Uppercut and then he climbs up with Hernandez but he shoves Daniels off the top! Hernandez goes for a Big Splash but Daniels moves and rolls Hernandez up! 1…2…NO Daniels kicks out! He even used the ropes for leverage on that one. Daniels follows up with a series of Open-hand Palm Thrusts to the chest and ribs of Hernandez. Daniels comes off the ropes but Hernandez kills him with a huge Shoulder Block followed by an Overhead Gutwrench Slam! 1…2…3 and Hernandez advances to the tournament!
Winner: Hernandez via pinfall (Overhead Gutwrench Slam)
In the back we see the Nasty Boys and Team 3D walking towards the entrance ramp.
—COMMERCIAL BREAK—
Back from commercials Mike Tenay is standing in the ring and he announces that at Against All Odds the Nasty Boys will face Team 3D for the very first time. He introduces the Nasty Boys & 3D for an in-ring interview. Brian Knobbs says “we are here to stay in TNA” to the camera and I just died a little inside. Security stops 3D from actually getting in the ring. Ray says the Nasty’s waited until 3D was gone to Japan before they came to TNA and trashed their locker-room and then they attacked 3D from behind the next week. He calls them a couple of punks and the Nasty’s like that. He says last week 3D wrapped steel chairs around their heads and the Nasty’s DON’T like that. Ray says everyone wants to know where the hell they’ve been for the last 10 years and then one of them spits at 3D. 3D try t get to them but security holds them back and Saggs spits at them again. Saggs says they’ve always been nasty and they’ll die nasty. Devon says that’s real cute but while they’ve been sitting on their ‘fat a**es’ for the last 10 years 3D has been winning World Tag Team Championships in every company they’ve been in including ECW, WWE, TNA, All Japan, and New Japan. Devon says no other tag team has ever accomplished what they have in the business. Knobbs calls off the names of teams they have beaten: Road Warriors, Steiner Brothers (speaking of Steiner’s where the hell is Scotty?), Hart Foundation, The Outsiders, Harlem Heat, and the list goes on. He says all those legendary teams have felt their wrath and now 3D is on their chopping block and come Valentine’s Day they’ll be knocking their teeth down their throats. Ray says they can take jabs at each other all day but the bottom line is everybody wants to see them go at it. He says Against All Odds it’s on and the fans start chanting for 3D.
In the back Christy is with the Beautiful People and she asks them how they feel about Angelina being back. Velvet says she’s sick of hearing about Angelina and she’s just wallowing in their shadow right now. Madison says she is ‘so 2009’ and BP have moved onto bigger and better (and dumber) things with Lacey. Madison says tonight they will show the world where the Knockouts gold belongs and they do the motion of it going around their waists which causes Lacey to say, “in our bellies?”
In the back Jarrett is getting prepared for his match tonight and looks nervous.
—COMMERCIAL BREAK—
In the back Lashley is in Bischoff’s office discussing his future with TNA. Bischoff says he talked to Hogan and he agrees with him that it took Lashley a lot of guts for coming in there last week and saying what he said but “you’re fired.” Security rushes in as Lashley looks like he’s about to jump across the desk at Bischoff and they drag him out of the office as Bischoff keeps screaming “you’re fired” at him. That’s the most emotion I’ve seen Lashley put it into anything he’s done in TNA. Bischoff says “taking out the trash” and laughs as they escort Lashley out.
6-Knockouts Tag Team Match
The Beautiful People vs. Awesome Kong, Hamada, & Tara
Taz says that he wishes he died and was reincarnated as the second rope and boy, I’ve never agreed with Taz more. I’d chew off my own arm to…let’s move on. Hamada and Madison will start the match off. Madison and Hamada look like they’re going to lockup but Madison backs off and taunts Hamada and the rest of her team which results in her eating a leg kick from Hamada. Hamada follows up with headbutts and chops and then she locks in an arm wringer and drops her elbow down on that arm. Hamada then puts a knucklelock on and climbs to the top and walks the ropes and springboards off the top with an arm drag! Hamada then locks in a wristlock again but Madison breaks it up with a kick to the gut and then she tags in Velvet. Velvet locks in a wristlock of her own and twists her arm while screaming at her before tagging in the uncoordinated one. Lacey wrenches in on the wristlock and immediately and thankfully tags in Madison. Madison continues to twist on the arm of Hamada with Hamada rolling through to break the hold and finally she hits a drop toe hold and then tags in Tara. Tara hits a series of big right hands on Madison followed by a Scoop Slam and then the Standing Moonsault! 1…2…NO Velvet kicks out! Tara lights Madison up with a chop and then attempts to whip her into the ropes but Madison reverses it and Velvet kicks her in the back as she hits the ropes. Madison hits a big Clothesline and gets a nearfall. Madison throws Tara into the corner and tags in Velvet. Velvet hits a series of shoulder blocks on Tara in the corner and then Velvet chokes Tara as Madison distracts the referee. Velvet whips Tara into the ropes and goes for a clothesline but Tara ducks and they grab each other by the hair and slam each other to the mat at the same time. Velvet tags out to Madison and Tara tags in Kong! Lacey comes in with Madison to help out but they both eat clotheslines. Kong tags in Hamada and she delivers a dropkick to Madison. Hamada attempts to whip Madison into the corner but she reverses it and charges at Hamada. Hamada eats Madison up with a Front Kick as she came rushing in and Lacey comes into help but eats a sick roundhouse kick for her troubles! Hamada then hits an Enziguri on Velvet! Tara comes in and hits a Scoop Slam on Lacey and Hamada hits a Moonsault off the top! Tara throws Velvet out of the ring but Lacey hits Hamada in the back with the ugly stick as the referee was dealing with Tara and Velvet. Kong chases Velvet all the way to the back and Madison gets the pin on Hamada!
Winners: Beautiful People via pinfall
After the match BP takes Tara out with the ugly stick and put the beat down on her until Angelina Love runs out to make the save! Angelina takes out both Lacey and Madison and she chunks Lacey out of the ring violently.
In the back Hogan is talking with Hebner. Hogan asks Hebner why he rang the bell last week and Hebner tries to say that Angle hit the mat and he thought he tapped out. Hogan says something is wrong with this and there is a pattern with Hebner. He mentions Montreal and he wants to know the truth. Hebner tells him the truth is Bret didn’t screw Bret, Vince didn’t screw Bret, HBK didn’t screw Bret, he screwed Bret and that’s the same thing he did to Angle! Hogan asks him why and Hebner says it was for the money. He says he got a great big check from Flair and it was well worth it. Hogan says that’s unacceptable and he suspends Hebner indefinitely.
—COMMERCIAL BREAK—
In the back Flair, holding AJ’s belt, and AJ are talking when 4 gorgeous women walk in. Flair looks like he is in a trance at the girls and Flair starts spitting game to one of the girls. AJ says the other 3 are for him!
We cut to Bubba the Love Sponge approaching Foley. Foley says he thinks it’s likely he and Bischoff will come to an understanding and if not he isn’t hurting for money so it is what it is.
Kurt Angle makes his way out to the ring with a serious look on his face. Taz says that Hogan has placed Angle into a Tournament Qualifying Match. Angle says he’ll never forget he and AJ’s match at Genesis and says it was the greatest match of his life and that’s why he’s confused, disappointed, and most of all pissed off. He said they made an agreement that the match would determine to best in the world and it’s a match that would’ve been talked about for decades to come and one that he could’ve told his grandkids about. Angle says AJ disappointed him, the boys in the back, and the fans. He says AJ went from a hero to “punk a** b*tch” in one night (ouch). Angle refers to last week as the “Earl Hebner Screwjob” and he asks AJ if he really thinks Flair cares about him. He says Flair is using AJ and he’s trying to strip him of his innocence. He refers to Flair’s “dirtiest player in the game” moniker and asks if that’s how AJ wants to be seen. Angle says he has a Qualifying Match for the 8-Card Stud Tournament which means when he wins the tournament it will be Kurt Angle-AJ Styles one more time, but this time he won’t get past him. Hogan’s music hits and Hulk walks out to the ring. Hogan says that Angle accused him of being behind something that he wasn’t and he told Angle that he would get to the bottom of it and he did. Hogan says if it would’ve been 20-30 years ago things would’ve been a lot different and as the leader as TNA he functions on a total business level. He says after what happened last week with Angle spitting in his face that’s unacceptable and if it ever happens again he can consider himself unemployed. He asks Angle if they have an understanding and Angle says 1st off he apologizes for spitting on him. He admits he was wrong but he has to understand that he is leading to TNA and everything that happens in the ring Hogan is accountable for. He apologizes again for spitting on him and shakes his hand.
—COMMERCIAL BREAK—
As Angle was watching Hogan walk back up the ramp Syxx-Pac came out of nowhere and attacked him from behind! Pac lays kicks in to Angle and then Hall comes in as well and they trade shots on Angle! Pac hits the Snap Leg Drop on Angle and then Hall continues to put the boots to him!
—COMMERCIAL BREAK—
A replay of what just went down with Hall & Syxx-Pac jumping Angle is shown. In the back Pac and Hall are celebrating beating Angle up as security is escorting them out of the building and Hall says “see ya next week” while Pac says “damn right you’ll see us next week.” Tenay questions if you could take a worse path than what Pac and Hall have taken to try and get TNA contracts.
6-Man X-Division Tag Match
Motor City Machine Guns & Brian Kendrick vs. Generation Me & Amazing Red
This is Kendrick’s Impact debut and the first time we’ve seen him since his debut at Genesis. This is Generation Me’s first match since their upset win over the Guns a few weeks ago. Kendrick violently attacks Red as he gets in the ring throwing forearms and knees at Red. Kendrick charges Red in the corner Red moves out of the way! Kendrick rushes him again but again Red ducks it and Kendrick eats the turnbuckles. Red follows up with the Double-tap Dropkick in the corner and the Guns want a tag but Kendrick refuses and eats another dropkick from Red! Both Guns tag Kendrick’s back and they jump in the ring and whip Red into the corner. Sabin whips Shelley into Red but he gets his boot up and then hits the Rolling Enziguri over the back of Shelley onto Sabin! Red rolls over tags in Generation Me (I could tell which one actually got the tag). GM whip Shelley into the ropes and hit a Double Back Kick and then Jeremy lifts Max up into an Elevated Dropkick on Shelley! Sabin flies in with a Springboard attempt but Max catches him in midair and hits a Gutbuster and holds him over his knee and Jeremy hits the Corkscrew Neckbreaker over the knee of Max! Max covers Sabin and gets a nearfall. Max hits a series of forearms and hits the ropes but Sabin was right behind him with a Knee to the gut as he turned around. Sabin whips Max into the corner and hits a Flying Forearm and then kneels down as Shelley charges in and leaps off the back of Sabin, but Max ducks and then quickly rolls up Sabin with a side roll! 1…2…NO Sabin kicks out and Jeremy tags in now. Jeremy springboards off the top but Shelley catches him in midair with an Atomic Drop! Sabin hits a sliding dropkick to Jeremy’s legs and then Shelley grabs the head of Jeremy and rolls forward holding Jeremy’s head up for Sabin to dropkick the hell out of his face! Sabin covers Jeremy and gets a nearfall! The fans are way into this match. Jeremy connects with a forearm on Sabin as he played to the crowd and then tags in Red. Red ducks a clothesline and then hits a hurricanrana followed by a spinning heel kick. Red hits a back kick and then goes for Code Red but Sabin blocks it and Shelley knocks his head off with a Superkick as Red was still on the back of Sabin! Shelley kneels down and Sabin leaps off his back with a dropkick knocking Max off the apron! Sabin places Red up on the shoulders of Shelley overhead gutwrench style and the Guns hit the Thunder Express on Red but Kendrick blind tagged Sabin as he came off the ropes! Kendrick kicks Red in the head and then rolls him up in a cradle, 1…2…3 and the Guns & Kendrick get the win!
Winners: Machine Guns & Kendrick via pinfall (punt kick)
The British Invasion’s music hits after the match and all 3 of the Brits walk out to the ring Rob Terry case in hand! The Brits put the boots to Red and then Terry Chokeslams him! Terry grabs the briefcase but Magnus stops him and tells him to let Williams cash it in. They scream at him but Terry is resisting.
—COMMERCIAL BREAK—
Back from commercials Williams and Red are wrestling!
TNA X-Division Championship
Amazing Red (c) vs. Doug Williams
Red hits the Red Eye off the top on Williams! 1…2…NO Williams kicks out! They show that Terry finally gave into Magnus in giving Williams the shot. Back to live action Red climbs to the top but Williams grabs him from behind and hits the Chaos Theory! 1…2…3 and Williams wins the belt!
Winner & NEW X-Division Champ: Doug Williams via pinfall (Chaos Theory)
Rob Terry does not look happy as Brutus & Williams celebrate the win.
In the back Jarrett is stretching for his match tonight.
—COMMERCIAL BREAK—
Back from commercials Bischoff is having his man-to-man with Mick Foley. Foley asks who opened him up and if he paid somebody to do it or if he did it himself. Bischoff tells Foley to let it go but then Foley talks about something that happened at one of his kids birthday parties a few years ago. He says his son took a crap in a tunnel and everyone scattered except one guy that had to clean it up. Bischoff asks him what his point is and Foley says that he would rather be that guy cleaning up crap then working in a company for Bischoff. Bischoff says he understands that given their history and he respects it. He says two people close to him do want Foley here and that’s Abyss and JB. He says he has their careers in the palm of his hand and he might want to rethink his actions for their sake.
Bischoff leaves the office and tells the cameraman to follow him and he walks in AJ’s locker room with AJ and Flair partying with the girls. AJ does the Flair strut and asks which one of the girls wants a ‘shot at the title tonight.’ Flair talks about him being off for thirty days and AJ says after the girls he’ll need it. Bischoff congratulates Flair because they are stuck with him because Flair signed his contract before they took over and Flair ‘has some great attorneys.’ Bischoff says they may have thought they had 30 days off but he has news for them and at Against All Odds is coming up and everybody and that means everybody has to be ready to wrestle. AJ doesn’t pay it any mind and starts flirting with the girls again but Flair took it a little more serious.
—COMMERCIAL BREAK—
Main Event
Mr. Anderson vs. Jeff Jarrett
Jarrett came out to no music and no pyro, damn. Anderson taunts Jarrett with fake applause and then they play to the crowd with Anderson heeling it up. Anderson and Jarrett lockup and then brawl into the corner before Slick Johnson breaks them up. Anderson goes for a right but Jarrett ducks and connects with one of his own. Jarrett hits another big right and then Slick pulls him off again. They lockup again and this time Anderson locks in a side headlock but Jarrett reverses it until Anderson shoves Jarrett into the ropes. Jarrett answers back with a shoulder block and then another one. Jarrett hits a third shoulder block and then teased a big right hand which causes Anderson to fall backwards and beg off. Jarrett shoots in for another lockup but he eats the knee of Anderson and then Anderson follows up with right hands and clubbing blows to the back. Anderson taunts the “Jarrett” taunts from the fans and then slams Jarrett into the top turnbuckle. Anderson attempts to whip Jarrett into the ropes but Jarrett reverses it and hits a hiptoss followed by another one! Jarrett whips Anderson into the ropes and connects with a dropkick followed by a clothesline that sends Anderson over the top to the floor!
—COMMERCIAL BREAK—
Back from commercials Anderson kicks Jarrett and then throws him off the apron into the ring post! Anderson taunts Jarrett again and then nails him in the head with repeated right hands. Anderson grabs Jarrett by the arm and slams it into the ring steps and then rolls in and out of the ring to break the 10-count. He rolls Jarrett back into the ring and then locks in a hammerlock and follows it up with a Hammerlock Slam for a nearfall. Anderson grabs that arm and locks in an armlock really working that arm over since he slammed it into the ring post. Jarrett is able to fight to his feet with back elbows and then whip Anderson into the corner. He charges at him but Anderson gets his boot up and connects with that same arm and then follows it up by grabbing that arm and slamming it into the mat with all of his body weight. 1…2…NO Jarrett kicks out! Anderson throws a forearm at Jarrett and then whips him into the ropes an goes for a clothesline but Jarrett ducks. Anderson goes for another one and Jarrett ducks again but when he comes back around Anderson locks in a Sleeper on him! Jarrett counts out of the Sleeper with a wristlock but Anderson reverses it back into a Top Wristlock. Jarrett fights it off again and comes off the ropes only to eat a shoulder block for a nearfall from Anderson. Anderson goes to the top rope and goes for the Kenton Bomb but Jarrett moves out of the way! Jarrett blocks a right hand from Anderson and connects with a series of big right hands and then he comes off the ropes for a clothesline, but Anderson counters it into a Mic Check attempt! Jarrett blocks it with back elbows and goes for the Stroke, but Anderson blocks it and hits a low blow as the referee was out of position and couldn’t see it! Anderson grabs Jarrett and rolls him up with a small package! 1…2…3 and Anderson gets the pin!
Winner: Mr. Anderson via pinfall (small package)
In the back we see Bischoff laughing at the monitor and saying “this is great” and then Anderson announces him as the winner. Anderson attacks Jarrett on the outside again and then rolls him back into the ring and hit’s the Mic Check! Another shot of Bischoff in the back is shown and Bischoff says “Jeff, it’s going to be a long, hard climb back to the top.”
“Bound for Glory” is TNA’s “Wrestlemania.” We’ve heard about the matches. We’ve made our predictions. Come with your Empress of “iMPACT” and cross the line!
This is my unexpected return to the BWF family, due to taking time off from my usual Wednesday column. I didn’t plan this, but the usual iMPACT Goddess is away, and other difficulties means, I, will be taking over duties for one-night only. This does mean I won’t be returning on Wednesdays just yet.
Cue the Kotter. Join me at the top of the hour.
Welcome to the show they call iMPACT, even though it doesn’t even make an impression. I am the one they call ‘Your Legend Killer’, filling in for Drow. It’s time to Cross The Line!!
No opening, just a promo video for Abyss/Foley, followed by the Monster entering the ring with his friends from home. His friends are thumbtacks. Abyss must be lonely. However, his loneliness doesn’t seem to affect him however, as he challenges Foley to a Monster’s Ball match at Bound For Glory. Enter the Dude.
Cactus enters the ring, and starts talking, before Abyss gets all angry in his face. Mankind called him a cheap knock-off last week. Abyss is a cheap knock-off, of Kane. The mask, the hair. That is Kane. The one in WWE isnt who he says he is. Abyss says he’s Hardcore, and Foley isn’t. Now Foley’s the cheap knock-off, because he’s only half the man he used to be. Technically, he used to be four people, so wouldnt be only be one-quarter of what he once was? Anyways, Foley’s bringing his A Game, whereas Abyss can’t use thumbtacks. Miccles makes Dr. Stevie as referee for the Monster’s Ball. Enter the Richards.
Stevie enters with Daffney (somewhere THE GT is at the very least drooling). Abyss’ mother didn’t love him. Enter the Lauren. Abyss’ apparent girlfriend, or as Stevie says, his ‘twenty dollar a-night street walker’. Daffney low blows Abyss, after he tries to attack Stevie, and between the two former ECW wrestlers, they team up to take out the Monster, until the Blueprint enters to save the day.
To the back, with JB!! He’s with Eric Young. He declares victory against the Main Event Mafia. I declare somebody kill Eric Young. Hernandez isn’t your brother Eric, look at him, he’s Latino, and he’s a different skin colour. Unless your mother sleeps around Mr. Young, then somehow I don’t think he’s your brother.
We return … to the back, with JB!! He’s with Kurt Angle. The World Elite declare they are the biggest force in TNA now. Angle declares a 30,00 hit on EY. You suck, EY! Your gonna die.
MATCH#1: TNA LEGENDS CHAMPIONSHIP
Kevin Nash (c) vs. Hernandez
Peer Pressure? I thought that was only a teenage thing, you’d hear in high school. Enter the Diesel. He shares a birthday with two very famous people. One, is myself. The other? OJ. Yes, Big Sexy, myself, and OJ Simpson.
Kev gains the early advantage, until Hernandez greets Nash to the ring post on the outside, then the barricade. Hernandez starting to dominate his slow opponent, until EY comes down, and takes out Hernandez with a Piledriver. Apparently, Nash owes EY. Probably with an a$$-kicking, but he owes him none-the-less.
Abyss and Matt Morgan look at each other with that awkwardness you get when you are face to face with the girl you’ve liked for so long. They aint gonna be besties. Abyss has no friends. What does Lauren see in him? He wears a mask, and has no friends.
Look, it’s Eric Young, and Kevin Nash. Eric wants to give Nash 60K to help him take out Hernandez. It’s now a triple threat between Young, Hernandez and Nash for the Legends Title at BFG. Hernandez fakes a neck injury, then speaks gibberish on the mic.
MATCH#2: TNA X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP
Samoa Joe (c) vs. Amazing Red
Earl Hebner does NOT have a Hitler moustache. Red gets in about two kicks worth of offence, before Samoa Joe eats him like he’s the appetizer. The man who stole Springsteen’s gimmick comes out, and distracts Joe, allowing Red to attack from behind. Joe doesn’t like it when his food plays with him, so he tenderizes it some more. Then he wants to eat Lashley as well. Black Lesnar drills Joe, meanwhile Red is doooown. But Red is up, and with a 450, and a Flip pin later …
YOUR WINNER AND NEW X-DIVISION CHAMPION: Amazing Red
So the skinny guy takes the title, and Joe is left hungry. That’s not good for who Joe sees next. they’re about to lose an arm. At least.
We’re back, and Lauren interviews Amazing Red, which is actually Samoa Joe. Told you Joe would eat him. Joe screams at Lashley.
MATCH#3:
Daniels and Suicide vs. Homicide and ‘Pope’ D’Angelo Dinero
Daniels and Suicide, were once the same person. Strangely enough, so were Homicide and the Pope. Dinero beats down Suicide. I haven’t seen any offence by Suicide yet. Which isnt ironic, because Suicide normally leads to death and non-movement, which would mean, technically, if someone was to commit sexual acts with Suicide, they would be committing an act of Necrophilia. Daniels gets the tag, and finally gives his team offence, until Homicide, breaks up a pin attempt. However, Homicide thinks that Spanish announcer Willie Urbina is a better opponent, than Daniels or Suicide, and starts attacking him. Homicide then screws Daniels out of the match, and gives the victory for Dinero.
YOUR WINNERS: D’Angelo Dinero and Homicide
To the back, with JB!! Kurt Angle and Kevin Nash backstage, wondering why EY is still standing. Nash said it was because he offered more money, then wondered why Kurt didnt offer triple. Angle’s off to talk to Foley.
This picture is 100% not doctored. Here’s the article.
We’re back, with Mike Tenay, Steiner/Booker, British Invasion, Team 3D and BEER MONEY!!!! These four will compete in a Ladder match, to determine the TNA and IWGP Tag Team champions. Booker T does his best impersonation of a monkey. Storm says he’s SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAMN LUCK!, which leads to an all-in brawl. Team 3D want wood. Me and James Storm have the same hat, not the exact same hat, but hats that look exactly the same. Roode lays Book on the table, then climbs the ladder. Sharmell gets in the way, and Rob Terry knocks Roode off. Team 3D take out Rob Terry, then Steiner and Booker send Brother Devon through the table. MEM hold the gold, and the Invasion don’t like that. Then the MEM brawl with the British Invasion and the Invasion hold all the gold.
COMMERCIAL: One of my favourite songs ever!
We return, to Velvet and Madison Rayne. Someone JT is drooling, and another commercial? WTF??
MATCH#4:
Beautiful People (Velvet Sky/Madison Rayne), Alyssa Flash and Traci Brooks vs. TNA KnockOuts Tag Team Champions (Taylor Wilde/Sarita), Christy Hemme and Hamada.
JT, THE GT, and Myself are all rather happy right about now. Just ask them. Nobody loves the Herpes or Hamada. I don’t understand Hamada, but who in their right wrong would want Herpes?
I only just found out this is an elimination match, when Christy got pinned and eliminated. Taylor Wilde’s face and sternum is driven hard into the canvas? No comment. Hamada and Alyssa Flash are brawling outside, and both get counted out. This leaves Taylor and Sarita, against the Beautiful People and Traci. Velvet Sky eliminates Taylor Wilde with a DDT, which leaves Sarita on her own. But Sarita pins Traci, and she gone! One on two, Sarita versus the Beautiful People. Ironically, it will be Taylor and Sarita putting the titles on the line against the Beautiful People. Velvet Sky gets pinned in a Small Package, leaving it one-on-one.
If Shawn Michaels can’t come back from 3-on-1, then why can Sarita. Alyssa Flash returns to distract the referee, as Lacey Von Erich takes out Sarita, for the easy victory for Madison Rayne.
YOUR WINNER: Madison Rayne
Lacey is taller than JB. To the back, in Foley’s office. Angle and Miccles. Angle doesn’t want games. Foley wants games. Scrabble? Monopoly perhaps? How about Pictionary? Burny Burny Cock Cock? No! No Ludo for the Dude, as Foley doesn’ t want games. King Kurt likes that attitude. The Stinger will join us after … yep, you guessed it.
Abyss and Matt Morgan want pain, as Abyss acts likes a school girl, then chants Mick over and over again off-screen, whilst panting. Foley was laying with Abyss’ barbed-wire bat.
Enter Sting. He’s not out here to perform ‘Message In A Bottle’, nor is he accompained by the Police to sing ‘Every Breath You Take’. He’s here to cut a promo on AJ Styles. Sting suffers from Spontaneous Combustion? Then let him explode in the middle of this promo. If Sting doesn’t meet his expectations, then that’s it. He gone.
Enter the Angle? Mr. 90 degrees has something to say. He thinks this show should be ‘the View’ instead. If that’s the case, then who would win? Barbara Walters or Kurt Angle? Neither of them would do the J-O-B? Kurt Angle’s gonna stay in the middle of the ring, until he gets a title shot. Is that gonna be during the matches as well? To Be The Man, You Gotta Beat … Kurt Angle? Thta’s not how it goes. Angle has his facts misconstrued. Kurt calls Sting a has-been, and tells him to retire. Both men get in each other’s face, and that awkwardness of love comes again, until security comes. However, this isnt love, as Kurt wants Sting to tap to the Shamrock Ankle Lock. Enter the Styles to save the day. Kurt wants a title shot, next week, on the three-hour iMPACT! AJ agrees. Kurt/Styles for the Title, next week.
We’re back, in the back, with Lauren, with AJ, who wants to prove his worthyness.
TNA KNOCKOUTS TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
Taylor Wilde/Sarita (c) vs. Beautiful People (Velvet Sky/Madison Rayne)
TNA LEGENDS CHAMPIONSHIP
Kevin Nash (c) vs. Hernandez vs. Eric Young
#1 CONTENDER FOR X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP
ULTIMATE X
D’Angelo Dinero vs. Suicide vs. Homicide vs. Daniels
TNA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS/IWGP TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
LADDER MATCH
Main Event Mafia (Scott Steiner/Booker T) (TNA tag) vs. British Invasion (Doug Williams/Brutus Magnus) (IWGP Champs) vs. Team 3D (Brother Ray/Brother Devon) vs. Beer Money Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode)
MONSTER’S BALL
Mick Foley vs. Abyss
Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan
TNA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
AJ Styles (c) vs. Sting
Samoa Joe is off somewhere. probably to commercial.
Enter the MotorCity Machine Guns. They’re doing things Machine Guns style. Their music made Consequences Creed throw up last week. They’re here to debut their new video. As it’s playing, Samoa Joe comes to eat the MotorCity boys, then heads to the ring to call out Lashley, so he can eat him too. Enter the Springsteen. Joe confronts the Boss, and off they brawl. Hellloooooo, Spanish Announce Table. Run Hugo Run!!!! TNA playing a card out of the WWE playbook, as Joe heads up the scaffold, through a Kurt Angle trading card, and puts Lashley through the Spanish table.
We return, with Lashley recovering, then go again …
We return again, with several replays of the Spanish Announce Table disintegrate under the weight of Lashley and Joe. Bobby Lashley is dead. He won’t be missed.
MATCH#5: TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPIONSHIP
ODB (c) vs. Tara
This is the first match in god-knows how long on this show, I had to scroll up, just to see what number match it was. Just think JT, you could be dating the Champion right now.
Women’s matches don’t interest me much. Whether they’re KnockOuts or Divas. Even if Tara is the Triple H of TNA, according to her merchandise. However, it’s Awesome Kong with the Sledgehammer, and she threatens to eat So Cal Val, unless she is given the spider. Kong to play Spider Croquet, but Tara won’t let her, which allows ODB to get the fall.
YOUR WINNER: ODB
Kurt, Miccles and Foley’s invisible friend are ready.
We return to the music of Foley. No, not that one. Not that either. Keep going. Almost There. Finally.
MAIN EVENT:
Mick Foley w/Dr. Stevie w/Daffney and Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan and Abyss
The referee throws out Stevie and Daffney even before Angle’s music plays.
Foley wants none of Abyss, and tags in Angle. Abyss eats Barbed Wire bat, and now Foley wants in. Abyss tries to gain advantage, but Foley stops that, and tags back in Angle. AngleSlam countered by Abyss. Morgan gets the tag, and takes on Angle, until Foley comes in. All four in now, until Abyss clotheslines Angle to the outside. Foley with the sock, no says Abyss as he uses the bat, Morgan with the Carbon Footprint, and that’s a quick Main Event.
YOUR WINNERS: Matt Morgan and Abyss
That’s all for iMPACT this week .. or is it?
Cross the line!
We open with Matt Morgan and a baseball bat. Morgan wants to smash Kurt Angle’s head in with said bat. Angle and the Main Event Mafia get him in the ring and Angle explains that he didn’t pin Morgan and keep the title on purpose. He just fell on him after thinking that he had hit Sting. They agree to team up and take on Team 3D in a tables match. I was late getting to the show, so I missed most of this.
Match #1: Beer Money vs. The British Invasion: This was a street fight, and a non-title match. I’m still getting caught up, so specific moves are not being detailed right now. Loud chants of “We want tables!” Kendo sticks, trash cans, plastic bags, and both members of Beer Money in street clothes. Berr Money dominates rather well. Storm gets knocked off the ring post, but Roode gets in and puts Brutus Magnus through a trash can and gets the pin for the win. Magnus and Roode were very bloody.
To the back! Lauren interviews the Beautiful People. They sit on their thrones. Madison Rayne has been kicked to the curb, and TBP will get her tonight. Short but awesomely fun promo, as per usual from TBP.
To the back! Cody Deaner and ODB argue loudly over Deaner’s status as Knockouts champion. Foley and JB are talking, but Foley offers to help. Deaner uses Foley’s white board to visually demonstrate that when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of you and umption. Foley says that he will retreat to his inner sanctum, and issue a verdict on the Knockouts champion status next week on “iMPACT.” Abyss comes up and Foley thanks him for his help against Nash at the ppv. Foley gives Abyss a gift. “Is it groceries? I love groceries!” Foley tells Abyss that it isn’t groceries. It is, in fact, a blue flannel. Abyss cries. Foley says that there is no crying in wrestling. Abyss straightens up. Foley and Abyss discuss spilling their own blood. Foley wants his bat back.
Mike Tenay and Taz are the official broadcast team. Don West has been promoted within the merchandising company. Tenay and Taz run down the evening’s card.
Match #2: Madison Rayne vs. Angelina Love: Rayne enters to the Beautiful People’s music, alone and looking scared. Love jumps Rayne from behind and throws her into the barricade. Love manhandles Rayne to the ring. Love pins Rayne in a matter of seconds. Velvet Sky scampers down to the ring. TBP put the boots to Rayne, and give her the Brown Paper Bag treatment. Tara and Christy Hemme run to Rayne’s aid, and TBP bail.
The Motor City Machine Guns bring us all a public service message. Their lack of tv time has made their paychecks smaller. The MCMG are all about three things: Entertaining you, the fans. Getting laid. Getting paid. For $2000 an hour, you can hire their services. They’ll play video games, go see movies, or sit on your couch and do absolutely nothing while you make them dinner. Call now, and they’ll throw in a free Sham-Wow! I’ll continue this real-time when I get back from the bank.
Match #3: Samoa Joe vs. Homicide: X-Division Champion Samoa Joe has a rematch against Homicide from the ppv. Joe’s strikes seem lacking in power. Joe hits a nice snap slam on Homicide, but Homicide kicks out at two. Joe continues to outpower Homicide, but the Notorious 187 refuses to stay down. Homicide uses speed, and takes Joe down, but can’t get the three-count. Joe gets the pin with a muscle buster. Clean win for Joe.
“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero, totally pimped out, arrives in a chauffeured car.
To the back! Lauren interviews Tara, Christy Hemme, Sarita, and Taylor Wilde are very happy. Next week starts a Knockouts tag team tournament. Tara and Christy will team up, as will Taylor Wilde and Sarita. Tonight is the Four-way dance between Traci Brooks, Awesome Kong, Sarita, and Christy Hemme.
Match #4: Awesome Kong (w/ Raisha Saeed) vs. Traci Brooks (w/ Sharmell) vs. Sarita (w/ Taylor Wilde) vs. Christy Hemme (w/ Tara): This was a four-way singles match. Kong and Sarita start. Kong totally outpowers Sarita. Sarita pulls the ropes and Kong goes over the top and hits the floor. Sarita takes down Traci with a spinning head scissors. Traci and Christy slap at each other. Kong clotheslines Traci on the floor. Sarita flies over the top and takes out Kong. We go to a commercial break. When we return, Christy goes for the FFCLG, but Kong plants her. Christy later hits the FFCLD on Traci, but Kong hits Christy with the Implant Buster. Sarita tries a missile dropkick, but Kong catches her and throws her down. While Kong climbs to the top turnbuckle, Traci rolls over and steals the pin on Christy. Traci gets the win. KONG MAD! KONG SMASH! Kong throws chairs as the remaining Knockouts bail up the ramp.
Consequences Creed (w/ Jay Lethal) is in the ring when we return from a commercial break.
Match #5: “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero vs. Consequences Creed: Lethal is sent to the back by the ref. Pope and Creed exchange arm holds. Creed hits a springboard clothesline, and takes down Pope. Pope returns the favor with a stiff punch. Pope hits a Bronco Buster from behind, sliding through the ropes to the floor. Pope follows up with a barrage of stiff punches and a sleeper hold. Creed fights to his feet. Pope goes for a kick, but Creed catches the foot. Pope is all charisma and flash, a total major league player. Pope pulls down his knee pads and hits Creed with a running double knee to the back. Pope gets the pin and win. Post-match, the lights go out and Suicide’s music plays. Suicide rushes the ring and attacks Pope. Pope bails and looks at Suicide with the Booker T googly eyes. Suicide gestures at Pope with the slice across the throat.
AJ Styles walks toward the ring from backstage.
To the back! Lauren interviews Matt Morgan, asking him if he’s buying what Angle said earlier. Morgan claims that he’s totally buying it because Kurt Angle never lies. He slips up and says Angle will get his “boot” instead of his “back.” Morgan blames his inexperience and nervousness.
To the ring! AJ Styles is in street clothes. He has a mic. The audience chants his name loudly. He says that he’s had it pretty rough for the last few weeks. He always had it rough, but he never quit. He is proud of the man that he has become. More “AJ!” chants. What he isn’t so proud of is losing the Legends title, losing the matches against Matt Morgan, and losing friends like Eric Young and Samoa Joe. He has already missed half the lives of his kids while he’s on the road, and when he is home, he can’t stop being bothered by things like this from work. He yells at his family over petty things because he’s hung up on the work problems. It isn’t worth it. It’s time for AJ Styles to say goodbye to professional wrestling. He loves the TNA fans, and he’s sorry. Sting walks out in street clothes and sunglasses. Loud crowd chants of “Sting!” Sting grabs a mic. He asks AJ if that’s the legacy that AJ really wants to leave after seven years. He says that AJ is saying, “I quit.” He’s quitting on his wife, his kids, the fans, the little kids who want to be him. Sting takes off the glasses and tells AJ that he’s quitting on him too. Right now, AJ is a loser because quitting is what losers do. Does AJ think that Sting hasn’t suffered, both professionally and personally? He hasn’t quit in over twenty years. He wanted to pass the torch to somebody, somebody who could bring honor, dignity, and respect back to the business. He had been talking about AJ the whole time. AJ is, or was, the Chosen One. AJ can either go home and quit, or go in the back, lace up his boots, and claim what is his. AJ is near tears, but he stops, and hugs Sting. Sting says that AJ is supposed to be “The Man,” and tells AJ to come with him. They leave up the ramp together as Taz and Tenay wonder if AJ has really quit or not.
To the back! Lauren asks Hernandez when he plans to cash in his briefcase for a World title shot. Hernandez says that the night he cashes it in will be the night he becomes World Heavyweight Champion. Eric Young interrupts, and tells Hernandez to come talk to him, presumably about joining World Elite.
To the announce table! “The Boss” Bobby Lashley comes to the announce table, and says that next week will be the TNA television debut of TNA President Dixie Carter. She will announce, among other things, Bobby Lashley’s role in TNA. Tenay invites Lashley to stay at the table and join the commentary. He accepts.
Match #6: Team 3D vs. Matt Morgan and Kurt Angle: Team 3D enters first. Matt Morgan enters next. Kurt Angle enters, but makes a beeline for Lashley and attacks him at the announce table. Lashley fights back, but Angle makes it to the ring. This was a tables match. Angle and Brother Ray start. Typical Team 3D tables match, with lots of stiff punches and forearms. Team 3D targets Angle’s neck. Morgan overpowers Devon. Team 3D double-teams Morgan over the ropes, and follow up on Angle. When we return from commercial break, Devon leaps off the rope to deliver the Wazzup. “Get the tables!” Team 3D sets up the tables in the ring. Morgan rolls into the ring and clotheslines Team 3D from behind. Morgan moves a table and gestures for a chokeslam. Morgan chokeslams Devon, but Ray moves the table. Angle tags in. Angle goes after Devon, whose mouth appears to be bleeding. Angle goes for an Angle Slam through a table, but Morgan moves the table just as Devon reverses the move. Morgan rushes at another table with a Carbon Footprint, but breaks the table on his own. The match continues, as no one was put through a table by an opponent. Team 3D dominates, and Ray hits Angle with a super kick on the floor. Ray brings another table from the backstage area. Angle fights off Team 3D alone in the ring. Angle calls Morgan into the ring afterwards. Morgan’s knee is still bad from the bothced kick through the table. Angle orders Morgan to the top rope, but Morgan’s knee can’t handle it. Team 3D grab him on the top rope and throw Morgan through the table. Team 3D wins. Post-match, Angle and Morgan yell at each other.
The End.
Sting… Whose Side is He On?
After the opening pyro, Mike Tenay promises that we’ll be seeing all the fallout from the “Destination X” pay-per-view last Sunday night. Will Kurt Angle and Sting be able to coexist? And how will the Main Event Mafia react? Because that’s the only possible fallout from an entire ppv. Nothing else could actually be of any interest to anyone.
Ahoy, all!
Your Empress of “Impact” has chosen to follow in the footsteps of the greatness that is JT (in honor of his and ThinkSoJoe’s birthdays tonight), and do a thoughts piece as opposed to a detailed review. Tonight’s episode of “Impact” provoked the following: