Your Tsarina of “Smackdown” will be in attendance at the Toyota Center in Houston, Texas tomorrow night for tapings of ECW and “Smackdown.” My Friday night real-time will contain references thereunto. If you watch ECW or “Smackdown,” look for me! I have four signs. “BWF.” “Drew McIntyre.” “Save Me, CM Punk.” “Goat Rabbit Alliance.” Don’t ask about that last one, it’s a long story.
In a bit of a rarity, I’m actually home, awake, and parked in front of the TV on a Friday Night. That said, this review is in sort of real-time (sort of because it’s 8:16 right now and I’m just getting started. I figure I’ll catch up after a couple commercials), so make sure you hit refresh every couple of minutes to make sure you’re up to speed!
I’m so sorry, everyone. (more…)
This is my unexpected return to the BWF family, due to taking time off from my usual Wednesday column. I didn’t plan this, but the usual iMPACT Goddess is away, and other difficulties means, I, will be taking over duties for one-night only. This does mean I won’t be returning on Wednesdays just yet.
Cue the Kotter. Join me at the top of the hour.
Welcome to the show they call iMPACT, even though it doesn’t even make an impression. I am the one they call ‘Your Legend Killer’, filling in for Drow. It’s time to Cross The Line!!
No opening, just a promo video for Abyss/Foley, followed by the Monster entering the ring with his friends from home. His friends are thumbtacks. Abyss must be lonely. However, his loneliness doesn’t seem to affect him however, as he challenges Foley to a Monster’s Ball match at Bound For Glory. Enter the Dude.
Cactus enters the ring, and starts talking, before Abyss gets all angry in his face. Mankind called him a cheap knock-off last week. Abyss is a cheap knock-off, of Kane. The mask, the hair. That is Kane. The one in WWE isnt who he says he is. Abyss says he’s Hardcore, and Foley isn’t. Now Foley’s the cheap knock-off, because he’s only half the man he used to be. Technically, he used to be four people, so wouldnt be only be one-quarter of what he once was? Anyways, Foley’s bringing his A Game, whereas Abyss can’t use thumbtacks. Miccles makes Dr. Stevie as referee for the Monster’s Ball. Enter the Richards.
Stevie enters with Daffney (somewhere THE GT is at the very least drooling). Abyss’ mother didn’t love him. Enter the Lauren. Abyss’ apparent girlfriend, or as Stevie says, his ‘twenty dollar a-night street walker’. Daffney low blows Abyss, after he tries to attack Stevie, and between the two former ECW wrestlers, they team up to take out the Monster, until the Blueprint enters to save the day.
To the back, with JB!! He’s with Eric Young. He declares victory against the Main Event Mafia. I declare somebody kill Eric Young. Hernandez isn’t your brother Eric, look at him, he’s Latino, and he’s a different skin colour. Unless your mother sleeps around Mr. Young, then somehow I don’t think he’s your brother.
We return … to the back, with JB!! He’s with Kurt Angle. The World Elite declare they are the biggest force in TNA now. Angle declares a 30,00 hit on EY. You suck, EY! Your gonna die.
MATCH#1: TNA LEGENDS CHAMPIONSHIP
Kevin Nash (c) vs. Hernandez
Peer Pressure? I thought that was only a teenage thing, you’d hear in high school. Enter the Diesel. He shares a birthday with two very famous people. One, is myself. The other? OJ. Yes, Big Sexy, myself, and OJ Simpson.
Kev gains the early advantage, until Hernandez greets Nash to the ring post on the outside, then the barricade. Hernandez starting to dominate his slow opponent, until EY comes down, and takes out Hernandez with a Piledriver. Apparently, Nash owes EY. Probably with an a$$-kicking, but he owes him none-the-less.
Abyss and Matt Morgan look at each other with that awkwardness you get when you are face to face with the girl you’ve liked for so long. They aint gonna be besties. Abyss has no friends. What does Lauren see in him? He wears a mask, and has no friends.
Look, it’s Eric Young, and Kevin Nash. Eric wants to give Nash 60K to help him take out Hernandez. It’s now a triple threat between Young, Hernandez and Nash for the Legends Title at BFG. Hernandez fakes a neck injury, then speaks gibberish on the mic.
MATCH#2: TNA X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP
Samoa Joe (c) vs. Amazing Red
Earl Hebner does NOT have a Hitler moustache. Red gets in about two kicks worth of offence, before Samoa Joe eats him like he’s the appetizer. The man who stole Springsteen’s gimmick comes out, and distracts Joe, allowing Red to attack from behind. Joe doesn’t like it when his food plays with him, so he tenderizes it some more. Then he wants to eat Lashley as well. Black Lesnar drills Joe, meanwhile Red is doooown. But Red is up, and with a 450, and a Flip pin later …
YOUR WINNER AND NEW X-DIVISION CHAMPION: Amazing Red
So the skinny guy takes the title, and Joe is left hungry. That’s not good for who Joe sees next. they’re about to lose an arm. At least.
We’re back, and Lauren interviews Amazing Red, which is actually Samoa Joe. Told you Joe would eat him. Joe screams at Lashley.
MATCH#3:
Daniels and Suicide vs. Homicide and ‘Pope’ D’Angelo Dinero
Daniels and Suicide, were once the same person. Strangely enough, so were Homicide and the Pope. Dinero beats down Suicide. I haven’t seen any offence by Suicide yet. Which isnt ironic, because Suicide normally leads to death and non-movement, which would mean, technically, if someone was to commit sexual acts with Suicide, they would be committing an act of Necrophilia. Daniels gets the tag, and finally gives his team offence, until Homicide, breaks up a pin attempt. However, Homicide thinks that Spanish announcer Willie Urbina is a better opponent, than Daniels or Suicide, and starts attacking him. Homicide then screws Daniels out of the match, and gives the victory for Dinero.
YOUR WINNERS: D’Angelo Dinero and Homicide
To the back, with JB!! Kurt Angle and Kevin Nash backstage, wondering why EY is still standing. Nash said it was because he offered more money, then wondered why Kurt didnt offer triple. Angle’s off to talk to Foley.
This picture is 100% not doctored. Here’s the article.
We’re back, with Mike Tenay, Steiner/Booker, British Invasion, Team 3D and BEER MONEY!!!! These four will compete in a Ladder match, to determine the TNA and IWGP Tag Team champions. Booker T does his best impersonation of a monkey. Storm says he’s SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAMN LUCK!, which leads to an all-in brawl. Team 3D want wood. Me and James Storm have the same hat, not the exact same hat, but hats that look exactly the same. Roode lays Book on the table, then climbs the ladder. Sharmell gets in the way, and Rob Terry knocks Roode off. Team 3D take out Rob Terry, then Steiner and Booker send Brother Devon through the table. MEM hold the gold, and the Invasion don’t like that. Then the MEM brawl with the British Invasion and the Invasion hold all the gold.
COMMERCIAL: One of my favourite songs ever!
We return, to Velvet and Madison Rayne. Someone JT is drooling, and another commercial? WTF??
MATCH#4:
Beautiful People (Velvet Sky/Madison Rayne), Alyssa Flash and Traci Brooks vs. TNA KnockOuts Tag Team Champions (Taylor Wilde/Sarita), Christy Hemme and Hamada.
JT, THE GT, and Myself are all rather happy right about now. Just ask them. Nobody loves the Herpes or Hamada. I don’t understand Hamada, but who in their right wrong would want Herpes?
I only just found out this is an elimination match, when Christy got pinned and eliminated. Taylor Wilde’s face and sternum is driven hard into the canvas? No comment. Hamada and Alyssa Flash are brawling outside, and both get counted out. This leaves Taylor and Sarita, against the Beautiful People and Traci. Velvet Sky eliminates Taylor Wilde with a DDT, which leaves Sarita on her own. But Sarita pins Traci, and she gone! One on two, Sarita versus the Beautiful People. Ironically, it will be Taylor and Sarita putting the titles on the line against the Beautiful People. Velvet Sky gets pinned in a Small Package, leaving it one-on-one.
If Shawn Michaels can’t come back from 3-on-1, then why can Sarita. Alyssa Flash returns to distract the referee, as Lacey Von Erich takes out Sarita, for the easy victory for Madison Rayne.
YOUR WINNER: Madison Rayne
Lacey is taller than JB. To the back, in Foley’s office. Angle and Miccles. Angle doesn’t want games. Foley wants games. Scrabble? Monopoly perhaps? How about Pictionary? Burny Burny Cock Cock? No! No Ludo for the Dude, as Foley doesn’ t want games. King Kurt likes that attitude. The Stinger will join us after … yep, you guessed it.
Abyss and Matt Morgan want pain, as Abyss acts likes a school girl, then chants Mick over and over again off-screen, whilst panting. Foley was laying with Abyss’ barbed-wire bat.
Enter Sting. He’s not out here to perform ‘Message In A Bottle’, nor is he accompained by the Police to sing ‘Every Breath You Take’. He’s here to cut a promo on AJ Styles. Sting suffers from Spontaneous Combustion? Then let him explode in the middle of this promo. If Sting doesn’t meet his expectations, then that’s it. He gone.
Enter the Angle? Mr. 90 degrees has something to say. He thinks this show should be ‘the View’ instead. If that’s the case, then who would win? Barbara Walters or Kurt Angle? Neither of them would do the J-O-B? Kurt Angle’s gonna stay in the middle of the ring, until he gets a title shot. Is that gonna be during the matches as well? To Be The Man, You Gotta Beat … Kurt Angle? Thta’s not how it goes. Angle has his facts misconstrued. Kurt calls Sting a has-been, and tells him to retire. Both men get in each other’s face, and that awkwardness of love comes again, until security comes. However, this isnt love, as Kurt wants Sting to tap to the Shamrock Ankle Lock. Enter the Styles to save the day. Kurt wants a title shot, next week, on the three-hour iMPACT! AJ agrees. Kurt/Styles for the Title, next week.
We’re back, in the back, with Lauren, with AJ, who wants to prove his worthyness.
TNA KNOCKOUTS TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
Taylor Wilde/Sarita (c) vs. Beautiful People (Velvet Sky/Madison Rayne)
TNA LEGENDS CHAMPIONSHIP
Kevin Nash (c) vs. Hernandez vs. Eric Young
#1 CONTENDER FOR X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP
ULTIMATE X
D’Angelo Dinero vs. Suicide vs. Homicide vs. Daniels
TNA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS/IWGP TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
LADDER MATCH
Main Event Mafia (Scott Steiner/Booker T) (TNA tag) vs. British Invasion (Doug Williams/Brutus Magnus) (IWGP Champs) vs. Team 3D (Brother Ray/Brother Devon) vs. Beer Money Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode)
MONSTER’S BALL
Mick Foley vs. Abyss
Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan
TNA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
AJ Styles (c) vs. Sting
Samoa Joe is off somewhere. probably to commercial.
Enter the MotorCity Machine Guns. They’re doing things Machine Guns style. Their music made Consequences Creed throw up last week. They’re here to debut their new video. As it’s playing, Samoa Joe comes to eat the MotorCity boys, then heads to the ring to call out Lashley, so he can eat him too. Enter the Springsteen. Joe confronts the Boss, and off they brawl. Hellloooooo, Spanish Announce Table. Run Hugo Run!!!! TNA playing a card out of the WWE playbook, as Joe heads up the scaffold, through a Kurt Angle trading card, and puts Lashley through the Spanish table.
We return, with Lashley recovering, then go again …
We return again, with several replays of the Spanish Announce Table disintegrate under the weight of Lashley and Joe. Bobby Lashley is dead. He won’t be missed.
MATCH#5: TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPIONSHIP
ODB (c) vs. Tara
This is the first match in god-knows how long on this show, I had to scroll up, just to see what number match it was. Just think JT, you could be dating the Champion right now.
Women’s matches don’t interest me much. Whether they’re KnockOuts or Divas. Even if Tara is the Triple H of TNA, according to her merchandise. However, it’s Awesome Kong with the Sledgehammer, and she threatens to eat So Cal Val, unless she is given the spider. Kong to play Spider Croquet, but Tara won’t let her, which allows ODB to get the fall.
YOUR WINNER: ODB
Kurt, Miccles and Foley’s invisible friend are ready.
We return to the music of Foley. No, not that one. Not that either. Keep going. Almost There. Finally.
MAIN EVENT:
Mick Foley w/Dr. Stevie w/Daffney and Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan and Abyss
The referee throws out Stevie and Daffney even before Angle’s music plays.
Foley wants none of Abyss, and tags in Angle. Abyss eats Barbed Wire bat, and now Foley wants in. Abyss tries to gain advantage, but Foley stops that, and tags back in Angle. AngleSlam countered by Abyss. Morgan gets the tag, and takes on Angle, until Foley comes in. All four in now, until Abyss clotheslines Angle to the outside. Foley with the sock, no says Abyss as he uses the bat, Morgan with the Carbon Footprint, and that’s a quick Main Event.
YOUR WINNERS: Matt Morgan and Abyss
That’s all for iMPACT this week .. or is it?
Surprise!
It seems that Joe wants the week off, and with my power due to go off at any minute. I’m doing Real-Time this week, for the second week in three.
Stay tuned to BWF, as I watch NCIS.
The search for HBK is on! My guess is, he’s in a bar having a few brewskis. I know it’s never going to happen, but come on WWE, swerve us will you?
This RAW is from Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Where a certain someone was born to wrestle, and bred to win. All rise for the playing of the Canadian National Anthem.
Randy Orton starts us off. He’s been hearing rumours, apparently. Were they rumours, or the Voices in your head Randy? My namesake goes on about how it’s no rumour that he’s gonna beat John Cena at Summerslam, and that seemed to be the lightbulb in the head of the challenger, as Cena comes out. Cena wants Orton to bully him, that right there proves that John Cena is not a ladies man. Johnny boy gets up close and personal with the son of Cowboy Bob, and this brings out JeriShow, with the single worst entrance music in the history of entrance music.
Show finds it amusing that Cena and Orton are up close and personal with each other. Show speaks, but there’s a Canadian in the ring, so the crowd chant for Jericho. Cena makes a Shaq joke, then asks why have the Tag Team champions made their presence. Jericho plugs Canada, then tells Cena he’s got a one-on-one match against him. Randy gets his two bobs in, but Big Show cuts him off, telling RKO that its gonna be Show and Orton one-on-one.
The Sarge sounds like he needs a cough drop to soothe that throat. This brings us to commercial.
Ooh look, there’s a vote. Who did the Sarge beat for the WWE Championship? Savage, Hogan or Warrior. Shouldn’t the question be, which one will be the first to appear on WWE RAW?
MATCH#1: Four-Way Divas – Winner gets a Divas Title shot
Kelly Kelly vs Alicia Fox vs Gail Kim vs Beth Phoenix
If you want to find out what actually happens, in this match, find someone who cares about the WWE Women’s division, I’m off to get food.
As I return from not paying attention to the match. I hear Cole describe Kim as ‘elastic-like’, and I hear more grunting than Maria Sharapova at Wimbledon. You’ve gotta love it don’t you? It has appeared for weeks that Beth Phoenix will face Mickie James for the belt, and yet …
YOUR WINNER: Gail Kim
It’s the first ever TNA KnockOuts champion who gets the victory.
Out comes Slaughter to pretty much zero reaction from the crowd. He starts off by sucking up to Canada, and saluting the C anadian flag? Has the Sarge turned on the U.S. for the second time in his career? Of course not. Sarge turns on his newly made friends, by saying if it wasn’t for the U.S., they would be speaking Russian and French now. Infact, most of them speak French. Now Sarge wants Canadians to pay respect to the United States. Looks like Slaughter’s playing bad guy tonight.
COMMERCIAL
We’re back, and a recap of Triple H announcing he’s reforming DX for SummerSlam, and how trips travelled to Texas to find him. Yip.
MATCH#2: Jack Swagger vs Evan Bourne
The rubber match between the two. This match will go no longer than five minutes. I guarantee it.
Swagger uses his power advantage early on, until Bourne uses his speed advantage to control the match. Swagger with a submission hold, but Bourne escapes and attack with some kicks, ending with a near fall. Swagger looks for the powerbomb, but Evan counters into a roll-up for a near fall. Swagger introduces his opponent to the turnbuckle as hard as he possibly can, and one Gutwrench Powerbomb later, and Dusty Rhodes gets the pin.
YOUR WINNER: Jack Swagger.
Told you the match would be quick. Swagger on the mic, and after he talks. Here comes MVP. He doesn’t care that Dusty is a 2-time All-American, the Canadians don’t care. Nobody cares. MVP challenges Swagger to a match tonight. Swagger wants it next week, but MVP isnt happy and pushes Swagger out of the ring.
Don’t forget. Orton vs Show, Jericho vs Cena and the hunt for the Christian. Still to come.
COMMERCIAL
Back, and we’re hunting Christians. H hits on a guy, and scores. A little girl wants a hamburger, and it’s Texas Chef HBK. H is shocked. I think it’s lame-i-fied.
Here comes the Sarge again. He has bought us Celine Dion to sing the Canadian National Anthem. That’s a lie, as it’s really Jillian. I’d prefer Jillian to Celine Dion.
COMMERCIAL
Why is Vince plugging Monk?
Back from commercial, and it’s a contract on a pole match? Vince Russo IS writing for the WWE.
MATCH#3: Contract on a Pole
Eugene vs Calgary Kid
Eugene channels his inner Rock, and hits the Rock Bottom and the People’s Elbow, but that doesnt affect the Calgary Kid. Calgary Kid knocks Eugene off the ropes and grabs the contract.
YOUR WINNER: Calg…
Wait a minute, that isn’t the Calgary Kid. He just hit the Stroke!
YOUR WINNER: Jeff Jarr..
Wait a minute, that’s not the Chosen One, it’s …
YOUR WINNER: The Miz
The Miz is back on RAW, so what was the point of last week?
COMMERCIAL
We’re back with the Rewind, Show beating the hell out of Kofi last week.
MATCH#4: Randy Orton vs the Big Show
Big Show has been borrowing John Tenta’s ring attire.
Show gets up close and personal to Orton, but Randy backs away. Maybe Orton only likes it when it’s Cena close to him. Randy Orton has had a grand total of zero offence so far in this match. I’ve been in and out during this match, so I have missed sections. I get back to see RKO looking for just that, the RKO, but Show blocks it. Show connects with the Chokeslam, but Orton is too close to the ropes, and gets his foot on the rope, when Show goes for the fall. Big Show goes for the fist, but Orton ducks under and heads out of the ring, and deliberately gets counted out.
YOUR WINNER VIA COUNTOUT: Big Show
Hunting for Christians Part Two
Shawn gets tater tots thrown in his face. Also, he can’t cook. When I worked in the food industry, I never burned the grill like that. I only saw someone smash a light globe into the fry vats.
COMMERCIAL
Another pointless Did You Know? from the folks at WWE.
MATCH#5: MVP vs Chris Masters
MVP doesn’t get to fight Swagger, instead he gets the Masterpiece.
Masters with the assualt on MVP in the early going. He continues the advantage until he applies a chinlock-type hold, then MVP gets the momentum. MVP’s jumpsuit is as bright as Mark Henry’s costume last week. Masters goes for the Masterlock, but MVP counters into the Playmaker!!
YOUR WINNER: MVP
Enter the Swagger. The All-American American causes a long enough distraction for the Masterlock to be applied. Once that’s done, Swagger hits his Powerbomb.
A pop for Piven and Dr. Ken and their publicity run last week.
COMMERCIAL: They love these during a broadcast, don’t they?
Back again, and it’s time for …
Hunting for Christians, Part Three
Shawn’s hired Hunter to help him flip burgers. Shawn Sweet Chins his boss. An old lady tells me to suck it, and Shawn Sweet Chin’s a little girl.
Enter the Sarge yet again, and he cues the music of the Hitman. But no, it’s not Bret Hart, it’s Jim Duggan, complete with American flag.
COMMERCIAL
We’re back, with the Slam of the Week. Mark Henry vs Chavo Guerrero from last week.
MATCH#6: Hornswoggle and Mark Henry vs ??
Chavo was meant to be competing, but he is ‘injured’, so he calls on Legacy to take his place.
Henry gets the upper hand, before Legacy start the dissecting. However, that is short lives, as Henry regains control. World’s Strongest Slam on DiBiase, the tag to Hornswoggle for the Splash, but DiBiase gets out of the way and Cody takes out Henry. One Dream Street later, and it’s bye bye to the Woggle.
YOUR WINNERS: Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes.
After the match, Legacy grab mics and book themselves to do the J.O.B to DX at SummerSlam.
We’re back with a rundowm of the SummerSlam card, then Josh Matthews interviews Chris Jericho. Jericho says he’s winning for Calgary, then Show arrives. BIg Show bitches about how Orton ran off on him, Jericho bags out Calgary. Matthews tells Jericho the cameras are still rolling. Jericho feels like a tool.
COMMERCIAL
Next week’s RAW Guest Host. Former WWE writer, Freddie Prinze Jr.
MAIN EVENT: Chris Jericho vs John Cena
Cena gains the early momentum, until Jericho takes over. Cena ends up outside the ring, where Y2J introduces him to the ring steps. Jericho then applies a Camel Clutch, just because Sarge is guest host. Back in the ring, and Cena somehow gains control. He looks for the shuffle, but Jericho rolls him up for the two. Jericho misses with the Lionsault, but doesn’t with the Walls attempt. Cena counters into the STF, but Orton comes and breaks it up before the Ayatollah of Rock ‘n Rollah can tap, causing the DQ.
YOUR WINNER BY DQ: John Cena
Cena gets in Orton’s face, but eats a CodeBreaker from Jericho. Jericho shoves Orton, so Jericho gets knocked down. Enter Show. Chokeslam to Orton. Sarge comes out and announces JeriShow vs Cena and Orton for next week, as we end.
There, even though the servers for BWF crashed during this broadcast, I did my best to bring you the action.
I remembered to watch ECW this week! We’re gonna do this in real-time, so refresh every 10 minutes or so if you’re reading while the show is on!
ECW is coming to us from Miami Florida, where the fans are chanting ECW to kick off the show. Speaking of kicking off the show, the number one contender for the ECW Championship at Night of Champions, Christian, is the first superstar out this evening. His opponent is the guy who got his revenge on Yoshi Tatsu last week, Shelton Benjamin.
Shelton Benjamin def. Christian
Christian was in control of this match, but he climbed to the top rope and Vladimir Kozlov’s music played and the Moscow Mauler made his way down to the ring, allowing Benjamin to dropkick Christian to the outside, and allowing us to take a quick…
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Kozlov has joined in on commentary, and Shelton Benjamin has taken control of this match. Christian shows some signs of life but The Gold Standard keeps on him. Christian manages some separation and hits a missile dropkick. At one point, Christian gets Benjamin draped over the ropes, and some little kid starts chanting “619, 619.” Christian didn’t oblige, however, instead standing on the back of Benjamin and choking him across the ropes. Benjamin hit an armbreaker from the top rope on Christian, but only scored a two count. Christian goes for the Killswitch, but Benjamin manages to escape. He tosses Christian shoulder first into the ringpost and hits Paydirt for the win.
Kozlov smiles at the announce table after the match and says that Christian is “nothing.”
Last week on ECW, Ezekiel Jackson, who is a part of the new superstar initiative despite the fact we used to see him on SmackDown every week, beat the hell out of some jobber. This week, he’s here with Gregory Helms. He’s very happy to be on ECW, and he’s only got one chance to make a good first impression. Helms asks if he felt he needed to break out of The Brian Kendrick’s shadow. Jackson says Kendrick hired him because he needed him.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Paul Burchill is already in the ring. Know what that means? That means he’s doing the job. His opponent was impressive the last couple of weeks in matches with Shelton Benjamin, Yoshi Tatsu.
Yoshi Tatsu def. Paul Burchill
Burchill is aggressive to kick things off, which should be expected from The Ripper. Tatsu fights back, but not for long, Burchill locks in a camel clutch. Tatsu fights out of it and starts throwing kicks. Tatsu goes for a springboard missile dropkick but he slips (and much to Drowgoddess’s delight, there’s no “you f*&#ed up” chant). Burchill takes advantage, but Tatsu manages to hit a “buzzsaw-like” kick to the head of Burchill (to which Matt Striker exclaims, “you’ve got to be Karate Kidding me!”) and picks up the victory.
Still to come, Tommy Dreamer takes on Vladimir Kozlov
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
ZZ Top will be the guest hosts of RAW next Monday.
Tiffany is in her office, and Tyler Rekes enters her office and asks about actually wrestling on ECW instead of on Superstars. She says she’ll book him for next week.
This week, however, she’s booked somebody else. You might know him. If you do, you will remember the name… Goldust. Can you guess who his opponent is? Did you guess Zack Ryder? Woo Woo Woo, you know it!
Zack Ryder def. Goldust
Good to see Goldust actually getting to wrestle instead of being stuck in stupid backstage skits. It’s not like the guy can’t wrestle. Realistically, this should be a showcase for Ryder with Goldust getting his offense in, and thusfar, that’s what it’s been. I just noticed – there’s a new referee! I have no idea what his name is, and we’ll probably never find out. Goldust hits a Bionic Elbow from the middle rope, but he didn’t do the little dance that Dusty used to do, so he only got a two count. Ryder winds up hitting the Zack Attack moments later and picking up the win.
RAW REBOUND: Guest Host Seth Green got himself involved in the main event. As in, he wrestled as the tag team partner of John Cena and Triple H as they took on Legacy. His team lost by disqualification.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Strange things have been happening in ECW, involving a mysterious superhero in green who “blew in and saved the day.” Hahaha, blew in. Matt Striker, you’re so punny.
Sheamus is set for action against some jobber. Sheamus tells him that he’s come to plant his flag as the most dominant superstar in ECW.
Sheamus def. Roman Cornell
If you’re over 15 years of age, you’ll recall the original WWF Superstars of Wrestling television program. You’ll also recall the matches – the established star beats the crap out of the newcomer. That’s what this felt like, despite the fact that Sheamus is a new guy himself. Sheamus picks up the easy win.
Up next, Tommy Dreamer takes on Vladimir Kozlov
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Next week, Christian and Tommy Dreamer will be guests on the Abraham Washington show.
Vladimir Kozlov is smiling on his way to the ring. I don’t want to see this guy smile, I want to see this guy kick ass, because that’s what he does, he kicks ass. Speaking of guys that kick ass, Tommy Dreamer is Kozlov’s opponent. I’m looking forward to a good fight here, that will probably get interrupted by Christian.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Vladimir Kozlov
You know, I was looking for a fight, and I got a wrestling match early on here. The thing is, even though these are two very tough guys who could easily kick your ass, they’re also capable of wrestling. The action spills to the outside, and Dreamer ducked a kick from Kozlov, who kicked the steel post instead. Very good match here. Not a match of the year contender by any means, but it’s entertaining. Kozlov catches Dreamer coming off the top rope with a headbutt to the chest, and drops the ECW Champion with a modified spinebuster for the victory.
Kozlov locks in a submission hold on Dreamer after the match, prompting Christian to come out for the save. Kozlov ducks Christian, who inadvertently hits Tommy Dreamer instead, then Kozlov nails a headbutt to the chest of Christian, leaving both the ECW Champion and his number one contender lying in the ring as the show goes off the air.
My Thoughts: Both the ECW Champion and his number one contender lost their matches tonight, and were both left lying by Vladimir Kozlov at the end of the show. I enjoyed tonight’s show, and I’m glad that Yoshi Tatsu and Sheamus were part of it. Out of the new Superstars they’ve debuted on this show over the last couple of weeks, those are the guys I think have what it takes to make it. I’m not sure about Tyler Rekes yet, and Abraham Washington hasn’t really done anything. It was an enjoyable show tonight for sure. I’ll see you guys Friday for SmackDown!
Break out the Harry Slash and the Slashtones, because this ECW on SciFi review… is… EXTREME!
Ok, maybe not, but it is in real-time, so don’t forget to refresh the page every so often if you’re visiting between 10PM and 11PM Eastern on June 23, 2009!
ECW theme plays: Look, new ECW. I just brought up the original ECW, how can I not question your heart?
Five nights away from The Bash, where Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, Christian, Finlay, and ECW Champion Tommy Dreamer will attempt to walk out as champion in a Scramble match!
But tonight, Evan Bourne is here with taped up ribs due to injuries suffered at the hands of The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry. Bourne’s opponent is The Hart Dynasty’s Tyson Kidd.
Evan Bourne def. Tyson Kidd
Matt Striker assumes that if he presses Triangle and L1, Kidd or Bourne will do something exciting, since they’re almost like video game characters with their high flying offense. David Hart Smith and Natalya hopped up on the apron at the same time, earning themselves an ejection from the referee. Bourne knocks Kidd out of the ring and hits a high-flying maneuver to the outside, earning himself a classic “ECW” chant! Back in the ring, however, Kidd goes after the injured ribs of Bourne. Kidd stretches Bourne as only a Hart Dungeon graduate can do, but Bourne reverses a back suplex attempt into a pin attempt for one. Kidd doesn’t let this minor setback impede his progress, he goes right back after Bourne’s ribs, driving his knee into them and then draping Bourne across the top rope. Bourne starts to battle back amid “Let’s Go Evan” chants. Bourne uses a unique rollup to score a two count and starts to build momentum. Bourne hits a hurricanrana and a Tito Santana-esque flying forearm before taking Kidd down with a high knee. He climbs the ropes and launches a picture perfect Shooting Star Press for the victory! Excellent match to kick off ECW!
A lot of people are saying Finlay took cheap shots on Tommy Dreamer and Christian last week – but they don’t mention the shot on Jack Swagger. The show a video of the cheap shots in question – including the cheap shot on Swagger that I mentioned.
Speaking of Finlay, he’s on his way to the ring.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
For some ungodly reason, Finlay still has Hornswoggle’s music. I know this because he’s on his way to the ring as I type this. And apparently, he’s got something to say. People want to know what his problem is and why he did what he did to Christian and Dreamer. He tried to break up a fight between the two of them a few weeks back, and nobody called him to apologize – they texted him. What he did last week wasn’t a cheap shot, it was an eye for an eye, and this Sunday at The Bash…
Oh radio, tell me everything you know…
Zack Ryder tells Finlay to listen up, because Finlay’s overlooking the fact that he’s got a match with the man of ECW, Zack Ryder. Woo Woo Woo, you know it. Whatever that means.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Finlay def. Zack Ryder
The match is underway when we come back, and Finlay is in control. As Matt Striker says, Finlay is looking to make Ryder’s Woo Woo Woo turn backwards into Ow Ow Ow. Finlay attempts to wear down Ryder with submission holds and fierce strikes. Ryder starts to battle back after he and Finlay inadvertantly cracked heads, which seemed to hurt Finlay’s injured eye. Ryder starts to work over the Irishman with submission holds of his own. Mr. Woo Woo Woo goes after the injured eye, wearing Finlay down. Finlay starts to fight back with a barrage of strikes. He hits the Finlay Roll but only gets a two count. Ryder goes after the eye again, and exposes the steel turnbuckle as the referee checks on Finlay, but Finlay manages to catch Ryder with a surprise roll up for the victory!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
RAW REBOUND: Randy Orton and Triple H both failed to answer the referee’s ten count, thus allowing Randy Orton to retain the WWE Championship. Donald Trump sold RAW back to Mr. McMahon for twice what he paid for it. Mr. McMahon then told Randy Orton he’s going to wrestle in Three Stages of Hell at The Bash, defending his title once again against Triple H, who assaulted him in the parking lot after the show.
Josh Matthews and Matt Striker run down the card for The Bash.
Striker gets in the ring and has a blackboard illustrating the ECW Championship Scramble match with him. Your teacher teaches us the rules of the match. He then welcomes Gregory Helms, who is standing by backstage with Mark Henry. Henry starts to talk about tonight’s main event, when a large box falls on a production assistant. When Henry turns back around, Helms is gone, and The Hurricane is saving the production assistant! When Henry turns back around again, Helms is there and asks him again how he feels about his match tonight.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Jack Swagger is the first man out for tonight’s main event, followed by his tag team partner for the evening, Mark Henry. The ECW Champion Tommy Dreamer makes his way out first for his team. Christian makes his way out and we’re set for our main event of the evening.
Tommy Dreamer & Christian vs. Mark Henry & Jack Swagger
Christian and Swagger start off with Christian taking early control. He tags in Dreamer who doesn’t fare as well, until Swagger tags in Mark Henry. Dreamer knocks Henry out of the ring and dumps an incoming Swagger out as well. Dreamer hits the rolling senton from the apron on Henry and Christian hits a cross body from the top onto Swagger, and the “ECW” chants start up again as we head to a…
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Swagger is pounding away on Christian as we come back, but Christian starts to battle back. Dreamer gets the tag in, and starts dominating. Christian inadvertently causes distracts the referee, however, allowing Mark Henry to sneak in and attack Dreamer from behind, which gives Swagger the opportunity to take over and tag in the World’s Strongest Man. Swagger and Henry make the ghost of Gorilla Monsoon proud by cutting the ring in half and using frequent tags to keep a fresh man in the ring, but Swagger finds himself caught with a Dreamer spinebuster. Swagger gets to Henry first, but Dreamer gets to Christian soon after. Captain Charisma takes Henry down with a missile dropkick from the top rope and gets a two count. Christian goes for a sunset flip on Henry, but Swagger tags himself in. Henry goes to sit on Christian, who moves, but Swagger, the legal man, goes for a Gutwrench Powerbomb, which Christian escapes before hitting the Killswitch. Swagger was close enough to the ropes for Tony Atlas to pull his foot under the rope. Henry squashes Christian on the outside, allowing Swagger to hit the Gutwrench on a second attempt to pick up the win.
After the match, Henry drops Dreamer with a World’s Strongest Slam, and then gives one to Jack Swagger for good measure.
My Thoughts: THE HURRICANE IS BACK! This show is usually awesome enough, but to actually see The Hurricane on my television made it that much better for me.
ECW is consistently one of the best shows every week. There’s a reason for that – the talent. Twice tonight, ECW chants broke out in the crowd. It may not be the original, as I alluded to earlier in this post, but it’s still an extremely (no pun intended) enjoyable professional wrestling program.
Hello, fellow Bored Wrestling Fans. Thank you all for once again helping BWF set a site record for monthly page views. 1576 pages have been viewed through the month of April, which is now the third straight month that the readership of this site has grown. A special thanks this month to LegendKiller, who did killer numbers for his WrestleMania real-time, and tharvey1 who joined the BWF family to cover WWE Superstars every Thursday night.
In other site related news, over the course of the next week I will be without my own internet connection at home (I’m leeching off of somebody else’s in my new apartment at the moment.) and therefore some of my WWE coverage will be handled by somebody else, posted late, or direct you elsewhere. This will not effect my weekly column, as a new edition of “A case for the Hall of Fame” will be published tomorrow at noon. Hope you all enjoy it, and thanks once again for visiting BoredWrestlingFan.com!
I’m in a pretty good mood. I’m six days away from attending a WWE event in Buffalo for the first time since December 2007, and just three days away from moving into my new apartment. I may have a new job on the horizon, and I’m enjoying my life for the moment. Enough about me, though, you guys are here for ECW on SciFi! Christian is the new ECW Champion, what will Jack Swagger have to say about it? Will we find out tonight? Who knows!