Well. It was an adventure trying to manage to watch RAW tonight, but I finally managed to be able to do it. So since it’s already close to 1:30AM, I’m going to half ass this. Yes, even more than usual.
I watch 30 minutes, yadda yadda yadda, SmackDown sucks.
Ugh. I’m not really in the mood for this show right now. Let’s see if the show can turn that around. Let’s roll.
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, and watch the rest while I write this recap. The only rule is that Kodos must appear at some point in the review. Also, screw you, SmackDown review!
Damien Sandow! Randall Keith Orton? The fuck? It’s all part of the plan folks. Trust me. I never lie in my Smackdown reviews. Well maybe half the time.
Hopping time!
Last week ended on a positive note. I had hope that things were looking up for WWE. Then I watched the first 30 minutes of this show. Now I’m dreading watching the rest of it. My night has been pretty good so far though, what with the Chicago Blackhawks winning the Stanley Cup over my most hated NHL team, the Boston Bruins and all. Oh well, fuck it. Let’s go.
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, then instead of tormenting myself by watching the first 30 over again, I write down the gist of it and then watch the rest of the show. Also, I play by my own rules. Screw you, SmackDown review!
To think, this is where it all started, just over five years ago, as I demanded to know where my cut of Vince McMahon’s money was. Yes, the first real article was about an episode of RAW where you could “Win Vince McMahon’s Money.” Remember that? Seemed like longer ago that all that happened, but it seems like yesterday that I launched this site. Here I am five years later, and we’re talking about RAW and Vince McMahon again. Let’s go!
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, avoid spoilers like (and from) the plague, and then watch the entire show when I get here. That’s how ThinkSoJoE’s RAW reviews work. Also, I play by my own rules. Screw you, SmackDown review!
Ok. It’s 2AM. I just had to reset my laptop to my last backup image, which was back in March, which means I just lost a shit-ton of stuff. So, keep regular backups, kids. Fear not, because I’m still here to review RAW. I will warn you that there will be a LOT of fast forwarding through this episode. Since I won’t have a lot of time to read it on BWF Radio this Sunday, since it’s BWF’s 5th birthday and we’re hoping to have some great guests, I don’t really care if this is detailed or not. Let’s go!
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, avoid spoilers like (and from) the plague, and then watch the entire show when I get here. That’s how ThinkSoJoE’s RAW reviews work. Also, I play by my own rules. Screw you, SmackDown review!
The only new content on this show was taped around RAW this week, and the rest will likely be all hype, zombie attacks and video packages towards Mania. Hence, this review should be really short. Probably like one jump. Not even hopping, just hop. Now get to it and click that hyperlink below…
That’s what it’s called.
This is it! BoredWrestlingFan’s WrestleMania week is in full swing, which kicked off with the WrestleMania 29 prediction podcast. My contribution to WrestleMania week this year will be reviews of the first six WrestleMania events, which started Monday with 1985′s WrestleMania, and will finish up Saturday with a review of WrestleMania VI. And don’t forget to tune in to BoredWrestlingFan Radio this Sunday at 2PM Eastern as I will be reporting LIVE from Met Life Stadium in East Rutherford, NJ, the site of WrestleMania XXIX!
Today’s event, WrestleMania III. I was still a couple years away from being a full fledged member of what we now call the WWE Universe, but I knew wrestling was out there. I didn’t see this when it aired, but I rented it from the video store a couple of years later. I’m actually pumped to be reviewing this one, mostly because of the Savage/Steamboat classic. Of course, there are other memorable moments – Hogan slamming the 6,000 lb dude brother dude Andre across the world, Adrian Adonis having his hair cut – but that’s the one that seems to be the most talked about. Let’s roll!
This is it! BoredWrestlingFan’s WrestleMania week is in full swing, which kicked off with the WrestleMania 29 prediction podcast. My contribution to WrestleMania week this year will be reviews of the first six WrestleMania events, starting yesterday with 1985′s WrestleMania, and finishing up Saturday with a review of WrestleMania VI. And don’t forget to tune in to BoredWrestlingFan Radio this Sunday at 2PM Eastern as I will be reporting LIVE from Met Life Stadium in East Rutherford, NJ, the site of WrestleMania XXIX!
Wow. WrestleMania 2. I often say that the first thing I ever remember seeing in professional wrestling was a promo that Hulk Hogan cut prior to this show, talking about how he’s going to get that big dude (King Kong Bundy) in a cage at WrestleMania. I don’t remember anything else between that time and WrestleMania V, but when I finally started following pro wrestling religiously, my uncle handed down some old WWF Magazines, one of which was a recap of this particular show. I have seen the show before, but that was decades ago, and I was just a kid back then, so this will be another great experience for me on this year’s proverbial Road to WrestleMania.
Well, I have a better idea today than I did when I started yesterday about how I’m going to cover this show. It’ll be mostly straightforward, unless I see a blatant opportunity for some wildly outlandish thing a la G’s SmackDown reviews. Let’s go!
Previously on RAW…
Lesnar attacked Vince.
Vince challenged Heyman to a fight.
Cena agreed to face Punk for his Wrestlemania spot…
LIVE – American Airlines Arena, Dallas Texas
We open with Vince McMahon hobbling to the ring on his crutches, for his fight with Paul Heyman, twenty-one days after hip surgery. Once in the ring, Vince promises something big every week on Monday Night RAW, leading up to Wrestlemania.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GIVE IT UP FOR THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER, PAUL HEYMAN!” – Vince McMahon
Heyman comes out dressed in a black track-suit and gloves. He tells us this is a night we’ll be able to tell our grandchildren about…
“Tonight, you’re gonna see a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.” – Paul Heyman
Heyman runs down the list of insults he’s endured from Vince and assures him he is “all man.” He compares Vince’s chances of winning to Tony Romo leading his team to a Super Bowl. He talks about how he’s wanted this for years, watching Vince put him and other promoters out of business, and beating the U.S. government. He’s coming for everything Vince has got, and since Vince is in his “executive suit,” Heyman asks if he’s sure he wants to make an “executive decision,” and go through with this. Heyman clips Vince in the bad leg in mid-sentence and wails on him with Vince’s own crutch. Vince gets to his feet and grabs the crutch in mid swing. He tosses it aside and lays into Heyman.
Cue Lesnar.
Lesnar comes out and stares down Vince in the ring, moving in slowly…
TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMME!
“Is it him?” – Michael Cole
Triple H, WWE Chief Operations Officer, makes his big return. Triple H charges in, Lesnar meets him halfway. Trips Thez presses Lesnar; brawl on the floor, Lesnar goes into the post head-first, and IS BUSTED OPEN! Lesnar takes another post-spot and is sent over the guardrail. Triple H goes after him. Lesnar, with a knee to the gut, takes over and beats Triple H down. Lesnar HITS THE F5 ON THE ANNOUNCE TABLE and tosses TH back in the ring. Lesnar tosses the crutch at Vince, and gets a chair from under the ring. He charges, TH HITS THE SPINEBUSTER, and a chair-shot to Lesnar’s back. Lesnar retreats.
Later tonight, John Cena vs. C.M. Punk and MIZ TV with Jack Swagger, Jeb Coulter, Ricardo Rodriguez and World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio.
Backstage, Ryback makes his way to the ring. RYBACK VS DOLPH ZIGGLER IS NEXT.
Break
This Friday, Smackdown goes LIVE AND INTERACTIVE! SOCIAL MEDIA SMACKDOWN!
We come back to a recap of the TH/Lesnar fight, HEAVILY EDITED TO MAKE SOMEONE LOOK GOOD, GUESS WHO. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler encourage us to “Tout” about the fight, promising to show us selected Touts on the show.
Dolph Ziggler is in the ring w/Big E. and girlfriend A.J. as RYBACK makes his entrance
RYBACK VS DOLPH ZIGGLER
The theme of the match is Power (Ryback) vs. Speed (Ziggler.) DZ starts off with a fake-out on Ryback and some strutting. It quickly becomes Ryback tossing DZ around like a rag doll. DZ fights back with a dropkick to the head and kicks to the stomach, but we go right back to Ryback catching, tossing, and slamming Ziggler around. DZ rolls out the ring to the floor, as we go to break…
COMMERCIAL
We come back to Ryback in control, holding Ziggler up in a vertical suplex for a looooooooooooong time. Ryback finally drops, Ziggler rolls out again. Ryback fetches him. Ziggler tries a kick to the face, but Ryback catches the foot and tosses him back. BIG E. PLOWS RYBACK DOWN while the ref isn’t looking. Ziggler gets Ryback back in the ring and gets a two-count, then follows up w/stomps and a dropkick to the head. Ziggler gets a reverse face-lock but Ryback powers up and tosses Ziggler. Ryback misses a charge in the corner, and Ziggler gets the leaping DDT. Ziggler gets two and jumps on Ryback with a sleeper hold. Ryback escapes with his variation on the stunner (which he did as Skip Sheffield.) Ziggler charges Ryback in the corner, Ryback just swats him off. Ryback tosses Ziggler hard a few times when AJ gets up on the ring to distract the ref (and the men on that side with her Shorty-shorts.) Big E. gets up on the apron and gets knocked back down. Ryback ends this with a power-bomb and the Shell-shock for a three count.
WINNER: RYBACK
After the match, we get a preview for THE CALL, a film starring Halle Berry and WWE Superstar David Otunga. C.M. Punk makes his way to the ring as we got to…
Break
We come back to a recap of Cena challenging Punk last week, and offering Punk the Mania spot if he wins.
C.M. Punk is in the ring, telling us we will witness the end, as well as the beginning. Tonight is not about a match, John Cena, The Rock, The People, the WWE championship, or even Wrestlemania…
“TONIGHT IS ABOUT ME!” – C.M. Punk
Punk reminds us he’s beaten Cena every time when it counted, and has pinned The Rock twice in four weeks. He goes off on an ego trip that culminates in the best heel line ever…
“In this world you all inhabit…I AM GOD!” – C.M. Punk
Punk leaves us all flabbergasted, as we go to the video package for the next inductee into the Hall Of Fame, Celebrity Honoree…
Donald Trump.
We get the story of Trump hosting Wrestlemania twice in Las Vegas and his “Hair vs. Hair” wager with Vince, as part of Bobby Lashley’s match that year.
Next is Mark Henry vs. Great Khali.
Break
MARK HENRY VS. KHALI
Trending on Twitter – “CM PUNK IS GOD”
Nothing of a match to speak of; Khali starts strong with a kick to the face, pummeling, head butts, and huge slaps to the chest, but it spills outside and Khali is crushed against the ring post. Back in the ring, Henry ends this w/a splash in the corner and the World’s Strongest Slam for a three-count.
WINNER: MARK HENRY
We get a preview of “The Marine 3,” starring the Miz, followed by Miz coming out in a suit for MIZ TV, up next.
Break
Fandango makes his debut – THIS FRIDAY ON SMACKDOWN!
We are back with MIZ TV! Miz introduces his guests, Zeb Coulter, Jack Swagger – #1 contender to the World Heavyweight title, Ricardo Rodriguez, and World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio. Miz starts off with Zeb and Swagger, giving them the opportunity to speak to Del Rio’s face.
“Well you know I was looking forward to the opportunity to talk to Glen Beck, but since he chickened out I welcome the opportunity to talk to you Mr. Del Rio.” – Zeb Coulter
Zeb, referring to himself and Swagger as “Real Americans,” and goes on to lament the eleven million undocumented workers in this country, how that’s what the “politically correct” crowd calls them and how they should be referred to as what they are, “illegals.” He references reform by way of amnesty and how illegals are crossing our borders and draining our resources. Miz turns the floor to Alberto Del Rio but Zeb interrupts. Miz tries to shut him up but ADR concedes the floor. Zeb brings up the fact that a foreigner cannot own property in Mexico, calls Ricardo “sling blade (?)” And calls everyone Del Rio inspires “criminals.”
“NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOU TO SHUT UP!” – Alberto Del Rio
Del Rio tells Zeb that this country belongs to everyone, and if you work hard, everything is possible. (Authors note: That’s debatable.) He accuses Zeb and Swagger of hiding behind the constitution and makes a challenge…
“If you two have a problem with me, and you have the Conjoins, why don’t you do something to make us leave right now?” – Alberto Del Rio
“We will see you at Wrestlemania… WE THE PEOPLE!” – Jack Swagger
With that, Swagger and Zeb leave.
Tonight – C.M. Punk faces John Cena to see who gets the Rock at Wrestlemania.
Randy Orton makes his way to the ring for his match with Antonio Cesaro, which is next.
Promo for next week, OLD SCHOOL RAW!
Break
We come back to an exclusive from WWE ACTIVE, Zeb Coulter confronts Miz and Swagger jumps him from behind, laying him out.
WWE U.S. champion Antonio Cesaro is in the ring waving the flag, and Randy Orton makes his way to the ring.
WWE U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS RANDY ORTON
Cesaro in control with the headlock, shoulder-block, and the headlock again, Orton fights out, leap-frogs Cesaro and hits the elbow. Orton hits a t-bone suplex, and both men hit forearm shots. Cesaro gets in a boot to the gut, a fore-arm to the back of Orton’s head, and a gut-wrench for two. Cesaro stomps and gouges away on Orton, locks in the headlock, Orton elbows his way to his feet, but Cesaro unloads European upper-cuts. Whip into the corner and Orton hits the clothes-line, followed by another one, Orton ducks under and hits a scoop-slam. Cesaro pulls Orton throat first into the top rope, but Orton catches Cesaro with the chin-lock back-breaker. Orton charges Cesaro in the corner, Cesaro gets the knees up in Orton’s face. Cesaro dives off the top rope INTO AN RKO. Orton gets the pin.
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
Backstage – WWE tag team champion Daniel Bryan and Kane have agreed to let bygones be bygones and focus on their match with the Prime Time Players (Darren Young/Titus O’Neal.) Bryan wants Kane to let him handle it.
“I can beat those guys blindfolded.” – Daniel Bryan
Kane responds that HE should handle it.
“I can beat those guys w/one hand tied behind my back.” – Kane
It quickly becomes the ol’ chestnut of “No you can’t/Yes I can/No you can’t/Yes I Can!” And before we can get to the issue of baking cherry pies…
“EXCUSE ME!” – Vicki Gurrero
“Excuse Me Too!” – Brad Maddox
Vicki Gurrero (RAW Managing Supervisor) and Brad Maddox (Assistant [to the] Managing Supervisor,) AKA “Briki,” would like to see exactly that. Vicki makes the match where Bryan will be blindfolded, and Kane will have one hand behind his back, at least, she TRIES TO, but Maddox keeps talking over her, until she gives him the hand. Vicki gets in the final word and walks off with maniacal laughter.
From there, we got to a classic WWE Wrestlemania promo with Cena and John Bradshaw Layfield reenacting a scene from “A Few Good Men,” as part of that year’s “Hollywood” theme.
Next – Sheamus Oscar Snubs…
Oh joy…
Break
Breaking News – Miz faces Swagger tonight. Also, Cole and Lawler remind us to air our feelings about the Lesnar/Triple H fight earlier tonight.
We come back to Sheamus coming out in a suit/tie. In the ring, he claims to be an “avid movie lover,” and has a “bone to pick” w/the Academy, for overlooking “one of the greatest actors of the 21st century, Wade Barrett. We get a preview for “Barrett’s” movie, Dead Man Down. After that, Sheamus directs our attention to a screen cap of Barrett’s scene. He’s in the background… out of focus… doing nothing. Barrett storms out, commenting on how the Irish love the color green, in reference to the jealousy coming out of Sheamus’ ears. Wade says by tomorrow night, he’ll be a global star in a worldwide blockbuster, and Sheamus will be returning his tux and drinking in a sleazy Irish pub. Sheamus advises Barrett to make sure the paparazzi get his “good side,” but admits that due to his nose, he may not have one. Barrett goes after Sheamus, Sheamus ducks and goes for the Brogue Kick, but Barrett breaks and bails.
Later Tonight – THE SHIELD!
Break
Cody Rhodes is in the ring and his best friend, Damian Sandow is on commentary. R-Truth makes his way to the ring we take a look back at last week when Sandow jumped Kofi Kingston before their match could start, and R-Truth came out to fight Sandow off.
CODY RHODES VS R-TRUTH
Side head lock by Cody, Shoulder block by Truth, Rhodes goes for a leap-frog, but Truth hits the breaks, gives us a dance and a big right hand to Cody. Whip into the corner, and Cody hits an elbow. Cody misses the “beautiful disaster” but goes to work on Truth’s left knee. Truth gets caught in the corner as Cody continues his leg assault, and beats Truth down. Cody drops Truth face-first from a suplex stance, and continues the beat down as Truth tries to fight back. Rhodes gets Truth in a snap-mare and a full nelson. Truth fights out and whips Cody into the ropes, Cody gets a kick to the face, and RUNS RIGHT INTO THE “LITTLE JIMMY” FACE DROP for three. After the match, Sandow jumps Truth, but Truth fights him off.
WINNER: R-TRUTH
We get a look at a WE THE PEOPLE YouTube video on “jobs.” Zeb Coulter says he hears real Americans all over weeping because they’ve lost their jobs, and can’t provide for their families. Swagger mentions how his father had to tell his mother to get a job because his 25 years at a factory left him with nothing, and Swagger had to go to work when he was 14 to provide for his family. Zeb blames this on “Criminals” coming into our country and “stealing our jobs.”
Later tonight, Swagger vs. Miz
Break
TEAM HELL NO VS THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS
Bryan is blindfolded; Kane has one arm tied behind his back. Bryan fells Kane’s face and tells him to get out. Bryan starts off by going after the referee by mistake. O’Neal and Young use their whistles to confuse Bryan and lead him into their corner. They take turns beating him down until O’Neal misses an elbow drop. Out on the floor, Kane tries to help Bryan, but takes a forearm to the face from him. Bryan trips getting back in the ring, Bryan ducks a charge from Young and Kane makes a “blind” tag.
Ha.
I kill me.
I wish you would.
Kane comes in and steamrolls over both men with big right hands, and boots to the face. Kane finishes this with a choke-slam for the three, and we all laugh at Bryan. (By “we” I mean Cole and King.)
WINNERS: TEAM HELL NO
Shield interview next.
Break
We come back to another Recap of how Vince/Heyman became Triple H running off Lesnar, and another reminder to tout about it.
The Shield – Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins make their way through the crowd to the ring.
“It’s always gotta get worse, before it can get better, and believe us when we tell you, it’s gonna keep getting worse.” – Dean Ambrose
“If you don’t believe in the Shield, Justice is gonna hunt you down and we’re gonna grind your bones to dust.” – Roman Reigns
“We solved the John Cena problem.” – Seth Rollins
Shield threatens “no peace” in the WWE without Justice or Honor. They are the most efficient unit in the WWE today and that makes a lot of WWE Superstars nervous, breaking up their comfort zones. The Shield will beat any “super team” that gets thrown at them. They’ve beaten the Neanderthal Ryback, the has-been wannabe rock star Jericho, and Cena IS THERE ANYONE ELSE?
Cue Sheamus.
Sheamus challenges the Shield to walk up to the stage and fight him. Ambrose and Reigns take him up on the deal. Seth straggles behind and RKO BY RANDY ORTON OUT OF NOWHERE! Orton escapes through the crowd as the Shield tries to regroup.
Up next, Swagger vs. The Miz
Break
We come back to a promo for “Old School RAW” next week, and a recap of the RKO on Rollins.
Swagger is in the ring w/Zeb as the Miz makes his entrance.
JACK SWAGGER VS. THE MIZ
The match is basically Miz going after Swagger with fists and kicks, and Swagger using his weight and power to stop his momentum. They trade spots until Swagger pushes Miz through the ropes. Miz gets his ankle caught and sells it as an injury for Swagger to capitalize on. Swagger ends this with the Patriot Act (ankle lock) submission.
WINNER: JACK SWAGGER
Quick sponsor spot for Sonic restaurants and a recap of last week’s unveiling of the new WWE title, as well as Punk taking Cena out with the old belt.
Cena v. Punk is tonight!
Cena promo next!
Break
We come back to a Tout from Triple H to Brock Lesnar.
“Are you just gonna stand around and bleed, or are you gonna do something about it?” – Triple H
Cole says Lesnar needed 18 staples for his head. We get another heavily edited recap of the Triple H/Lesnar brawl and some Touts from the WWE universe.
Backstage, Josh Mathews has John Cena joining him for a promo. Cena compares the match to Thunder dome, “Two men enter, one man will leave,” with a chance to go to Wrestlemania and become immortal. Cena asked for this match tonight to prove that Punk is wrong about him not deserving to go to Wrestlemania.
“Either step up, or you step aside.” – John Cena
John doesn’t care what the Rock is cooking, he’s serving up some humble pie and he hopes all his critics are hungry. Tonight, is for anyone still believes in “Hustle, Loyalty, Respect,” then tonight, their time is now.
We get a quick promo for ROBOT WARS hosted by Chris Jericho AND CENA VS PUNK IS NEXT!
Break
Last Saturday, Waco Texas, THE UNDERTAKER RETUNED! We see his silhouette on Tout at a house show.
AND NOW OUR MAIN EVENT! WINNER FACES ROCK AT WRESTLEMANIA FOR THE WWE TITLE!
JOHN CENA VS C.M. PUNK
Punk makes his way out looking determined, followed by John Cena. Both men get full entrances before they get announced in the ring.
“LETS GO CENA/CENA SUCKS!” – Dallas crowd
We start slow, with basic holds, escapes, and take downs. Punk takes a breather as we go to…
Break
Cena is in control as we come back, until Punk side-steps him, into the corner. Punk goes after the neck but Cena powers out of the head scissors into a drop. Cena gets a boot, running bulldog, and a two count. Cena wears down Punk with headlocks. Punk shoots him off the ropes and hits a flying thrust kick for two, and takes control w/a headlock. Cena fights out, gets a flying shoulder tackle, but misses the second time and goes out to the floor. Punk hits a dive on Cena and is in control as we go to…
Break.
Punk in control w/the abdominal stretch, Punk hit the DDT during the commercial (according to WWE active) and has the anaconda vice on Cena! Cena rolls over to get two and Punk breaks it up. Swinging neck breaker gets Punk two. Cena goes for the STF but Punk makes the ropes and hits a flying clothes line for two. Punk goes up top and gets caught in the STF! Punk escapes and locks in the Vice! Cena counters w/the cross-face! Punk rolls him back for two. Both men spent, down on the mat. Slowly both men are up and trading hard shots. Punk hits some strong kicks but Cena catches him in a spin-toss. Cena goes for the five knuckle shuffle but takes a kick to the head. Punk tries the GTS, Cena tries a sunset-flip, and Punk gets two with a pin attempt. Both men get up slowly. Punk hits a knee in the corner and tries a bulldog. Cena drops him and gets the 5KS. Both men try for finishers and Cena hits a power bomb for two. Cena up on top, taking too much time, and Punk cuts him off. Cena powers and head butts out of a Superplex attempt, and gets two w/a flying leg drop. Punk hits a sharp kick to the head and a running knee lift, but Cena gets the AA out of nowhere for two! On the outside, Punk sends Cena into the post and almost gets the count-out! Cena beats it barely. Both men up slowly, and Punk hits the GTS for two! Punk goes for a second one but Cena catches the knee and hooks the STF! Punk makes the ropes. Punk hits a kick to the knee and scores a pile driver! For two! Punk tries another cover but Cena kicks out again. Punk goes up top…and misses the “Macho Man Elbow.” Cena wins it with a hurriconrana! And the AA for three!
WINNER: JOHN CENA
“I’d like to say to C.M. Punk what the Hulk said to Loki… puny God.” – Jerry Lawler
Cena leaves the ring as the official challenger for the Rock at Wrestlemania.
Rock sends Cena congratulations over Twitter.
And we’re out.