I haven’t actually seen the show – in fact, I forgot about it until about 5 minutes ago – so here are the results from TNA’s Turning Point 2009 PPV!
Lackluster Amazing Red def. Homicide to retain the TNA X-Division Championship
ODB, Taylor Wilde, and Sarita def. The Beautiful People (Lacey Von Erich, Velvet Sky, and Madison Rayne) to retain the TNA Knockouts and TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championships
The British Invasion (Brutus Magnus and Doug Williams) def. The Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelly and Chris Sabin) and Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm and Robert Roode) in a triple threat tag team match to retain the TNA World Tag Team Championships.
Tara def. Awesome Kong in a Six Sides of Steel match
Team 3D (Brother Ray and Brother Devon) and Rhino def. Matt Morgan, Hernandez, and D’angelo Dinero.
Scott Steiner def. Bobby Lashley in a No-Disqualification Falls Count Anywhere Match
Kurt Angle def. Desmond Wolfe
AJ Styles def. Daniels and Samoa Joe in a Triple Threat match to retain the TNA World Heavyweight Championship.
RAW is in the capital city of mine and JT’s home state, Albany, NY.
We’re kicking things off with the VIP Lounge with your host MVP, and his tag team partner, The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry. That means, big things poppin’, little things stoppin’. Whatever that means. MVP gets ready to introduce tonight’s guest host…
WELLL… BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!
The World Tag Team Champions are here, and the VIP Lounge security doesn’t stop them. Jericho says shame on MVP for giving an introduction like that to a man like Reverent Al Sharpton. He shouldn’t call him a guest host. He should call him the greatest civil rights leader of all time. MVP and Jericho go back and forth over Sharpton’s accolades. MVP goes for the introduction again, but Jericho steals his thunder.
Reverend Al Sharpton comes to the VIP Lounge to “Living In America.” He says it’s the most elaborate introduction he’s ever gotten in his life – and the fans boo. He says it’s a tough crowd, and that tomorrow in Philadelphia, he’ll be embarking on a tour to promote education reform. MVP says we need reform on RAW in the form of the Unified Tag Team Champions. He suggests that Mark Henry and himself should face Beauty And The Beast, JeriShow, here tonight. Sharpton asks Jericho what he thinks. Jericho says he’s surrounded by hypocrites and parasites, liars and people with no morals. Jericho says they can’t have another match tonight because they’re already competing against John Cena in a gauntlet match, and they’ve already beaten MVP and Mark Henry. Jericho says the people don’t deserve to be educated, because they’re too far gone already. They shouldn’t have the right to vote and their opinions do not matter. Sharpton says everybody deserves and opportunity. He asks the fans if they want to see a championship match tonight. The fans cheer, and Sharpton says that we’re going to have a championship match, next! Jericho says it’s discrimination.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Chris Jericho & The Big Show def. MVP & Mark Henry
This must be some new record for RAW – we’ve got a match just 13 minutes into the show! I can’t honestly remember when the last time that happened was, though I’m sure there was probably one recently that I’m forgetting. In the end, despite the momentum built up by MVP, Jericho managed to hit the CodeBreaker for the victory!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Primo says that Reverend Sharpton is an inspiration to all minorities. Hornswoggle runs in, being chased by Chavo, who calms things down and introduces himself and his partner, Chris Masters. Santino comes in and calls Chavo and Masters the Geico Cavemen. He then confuses Sharpton with Don King and Issac Hayes. Sharpton tells Primo he’s not sure what he’s gotten himself into. Primo says it gets a little loco around here, and welcomes him to Monday Night RAW.
Josh Matthews is standing by with Randy Orton. Orton says that Cena doesn’t stand a chance to survive tonight, let alone compete. Then he goes on the usual spiel about having been in a Hell In A Cell match before and he says he’ll win the WWE Championship.
Alicia Fox and Rosa Mendez are walking backstage. I was hoping they were walking towards the exit, but The King says we’ve got Diva action, NEXT!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Ugh. I don’t even feel like covering the entrances for this match, let alone the match. Let’s just get this over with.
Mickie James def. Rosa Mendez
The Carolina Panthers scored a touchdown and are up 7-0 over the Cowboys during this match. Mickie won. That’s all I know.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
We get a glimpse of a Hell In A Cell hanging above the ring for no apparent reason. Hey look, Legacy are here!
DiBiase says that they get it. Nobody expects them to win on Sunday. Nobody expects them to beat DX in the Cell. But you should, because of what they’ve done to them over the past few weeks. For those with short attention spans, Legacy have put together a video for you. I got a phone call and missed a bunch of what Legacy said, but HBK said they were boring. DX is up in the stands and making fun of them. Legacy get mad and DX make fun of them some more. Cody interrupts, and HBK interrupts Cody to tell him that Triple H wasn’t finished. Essentially it comes down to, “why wait ’til Sunday?” DX head down the stairs and to the ring. Legacy bail, and Triple H says there’s no hiding on Sunday and that for Legacy, it’s going to be pure Hell.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
The All American American Jack Swagger has a flag on his belt. That’s because it’s the United States Championship he stole from The Miz, who stole it from Kofi Kingston last week. The three of them will be in a triple threat match at Hell In A Cell for the title. Swagger’s jobber to the stars opponent tonight is Evan Bourne.
Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne
Bourne looks like a dwarf next to Swagger. Swagger picks up the win in a short match.
After the match, Swagger says he’s going to be the next US Champion. The Miz thinks otherwise. He says he’s been the most impressive draft pick for RAW this year, and that he’ll be the next US Champion. Swagger and The Miz start brawling, and Kofi Kingston shows up and steals his belt back.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Santino Marella and Hornswoggle make their way out to the ring, followed by Chavo Guerrero and Chris Masters, and we’re underway.
Santino & Hornswoggle def. Chavo Guerrero & Chris Masters
Masters gets the blind tag and locks Santino in the Master Lock, passing out and losing for his team without Hornswoggle ever even getting in the ring.
After the match, Masters grabs Hornswoggle, and hooks him in the Master Lock, much to the surprise of Chavo, who decks Masters and takes off. Masters gives Chavo a “WTF” look as he leaves.
Lynyrd Skynyrd’s new album comes out tomorrow
Big Show, Chris Jericho, and Randy Orton are discussing strategy in the back.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Ben Roethlisberger is the guest host of RAW next Monday, and is bringing the entire Steelers offensive line with him, apparently. The King and Cole run down the card.
On that note, I’m going to turn things over to this week’s guest hostess for BWF’s RAW review, the Empress of iMPACT, Drowgoddess!
Alicia Fox and Rosa Mendez are walking backstage. I was hoping they were walking towards the exit, but The King says we’ve got Diva action, NEXT!
Hey, all!
Reverend Al Sharpton is backstage. He still receives tremendous boos. He thanks everyone for the fun time that he has had. Jillian comes running up and interrupts him. She, fortunately, is not allowed to hang around and sing for extended lengths of time. Reverend Al dances with the Bella twins instead. We see John Cena backstage before we go to a commercial break.
When we return, John Cena enters first for the three-on-one gauntlet match. Whether Cena wins or loses, he must fight all three opponents, one at a time. Chris Jericho is up first.
John Cena vs. Chris Jericho: Cena tries to pin Jericho quickly, but Jericho squirms out repeatedly. Massive “Cena!” chants. Jericho lays into Cena with kicks to the midsection. Jericho attempts to wear down Cena with holds. Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Jericho rolls through and counters, continuing to punch Cena. In the face. Jericho is in control. Cena flattens Jericho with a shoulder tackle off the ropes. Cena takes Jericho down, and we can’t see him! Cena hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Jericho fights out of the Attitude Adjustment. Walls of Jericho on Cena! Cena makes it to the bottom rope. Jericho refuses to release the hold. The referee counts to five. Jericho refuses to release the hold. Jericho is disqualified for refusing to break the hold, and Cena gets the win. Jericho only releases the hold when the Big Show reaches ringside.
Winner by DQ: John Cena
John Cena vs. the Big Show: Jericho remains at ringside to comment and encourage Show. Show pounds on Cena as we go to commercial break. When we return, Show drives Cena into the corner, and targets Cena’s lower back. Jericho shouts at Show and bangs his hand on the mat. Show catches Cena in a bear hug. Show drops Cena with a kick to the gut. Show goes for a chokeslam, but Cena counters with a DDT (By DDT, I mean a gently rolling summersault). Cena picks up Show for an Attitude Adjustment, but Jericho rushes the ring and knocks Cena down. Jericho and Show beat Cena down. Show is disqualified due to Jericho’s interference, and Cena gets a second victory.
Winner by DQ: John Cena
John Cena vs. Randy Orton: Orton enters slowly, staring unblinkingly at Cena. Cena gestures, “come get some.” No, King, Delirious doesn’t work for WWE. Cena is not Delirious. Sorry, I had to go there. 🙂 Orton slowly circles Cena, every inch the predator. They stand almost nose-to-nose. Cena raises one finger, and the Hell in a Cell cage lowers over them. Orton tries to escape, but Cena grabs him around the waist, and drags him back in as the cage lowers. Randy Orton has been outsmarted! The massive “Cena!” chants continue. Cena looks at the opened cage door. He looks at Orton. Orton must get past Cena to get out the door. They fight outside the cage door. Cena gets Orton up for an Attitude Adjustment, but Orton leaps up on the cage wall and climbs like Spiderman to the top. Cena follows. Cena and Orton square off on top of the Hell in a Cell cage. Which has lighting equipment sitting on it. For some reason. Cena hits Orton with an Attitude Adjustment on the roof of the cage. Cena stands tall over Orton, then drops down and talks trash. Cena appears to have won this match, though precisely how, is unclear.
Winner: John Cena
That’s it for RAW, everybody! Join us here at BWF for a staff round table for the Hell in a Cell pay-per-view, along with all the usual wrestling goodness!
Your Empress of “Impact” has abbreviated the review format for this week, as the job hunt continues to take precedence over everything else. For a lovely real-time of this week’s show, check here:
Match #1: Brutus Magnus of the British Invasion vs. Brother Ray: This was a “New York Street Fight.” It went to “no contest.” Massive run-ins from both sides, chairs used, and it’s all supposed to be legal, and we get a “no contest.” WTF??? Additionally, there was no build to this at all. Big gimmick matches have been rendered pointless through overuse and lack of hype. If Team 3D was mad at the British Invasion after the doings at “Slammiversary,” have Team 3D cut a promo, go after the British Invasion, and announce a street fight for the following week. Better still, save it for the ppv. But we’re getting to that.
To the ring! It’s Kurt Angle and the Main Event Mafia. Except for Sting. Angle welcomes Joe, calls everyone who didn’t see it coming as “morons,” and makes fun of everyone for getting played by the MEM and Joe. Foley comes out and demands his rematch against Angle. Angle is yelling, screaming, and ranting again. Oh, yay. Angle says that his contract gives him the right to choose who he wrestles. Oh, yay. If Foley wants something from the MEM, he has to give something back. They’ll go to the back and discuss it.
Match #2: Kevin Nash defeats Abyss: Not really. Dr. Stevie came in and used a taser gun on Abyss, allowing Nash to get the win. No Raven. I guess he and Douglas are both through. A real shame, as the Psycho Circus faction is awesome. Nash is terrible. The guy who can barely move and doesn’t sell for crap gets the win over a guy who actually used to be booked as a monster. Looks like happy days are here again. If you’re a former WWE main eventer.
To the ring! Beer Money, your new TNA World Tag Team Champions, hit the ring. They’ll give Team 3D a rematch any time. Scott Steiner and Booker T come out, and inform Beer Money that the MEM runs the show. Again. In return for Foley getting a rematch against Angle at “Victory Road,” the rest of the MEM gets title shots too. Kevin Nash gets a “Legends” title shot against AJ Styles. Steiner and Booker get a tag team title match against Beer Money. Oh, christ on a cracker, that’s just wonderful! James Storm, Promo God, understands what the Steiner Brothers and Harlem Heat have done, but right here and right now in TNA, they’re just another Neal and Bob. They can kneel down and bob on his beer bottle! Yes! Booker tells them that they have singles matches tonight, so they had better get ready for them. Team 3D comes out, and asks if anyone can understand anything that Booker and Steiner are saying. Great Steiner impression by Ray. Team 3D promises to make Foley an offer he can’t refuse in regard to the tag team title match, though Booker and Steiner claim that the match is carved in stone. Are they seriously going to put all the gold on the MEM at “Victory Road?” I really will commit crimes of such violent magnitude that a new mental illness syndrome will be named after me.
Match #3: Taylor Wilde defeats Daffney: This was a “Match of 10,000 Tacks.” Why? Why, why, WHY does TNA feel compelled to waste this in this manner? Daffney and Taylor have a “Monster’s Ball” match at the last ppv, which Daffney lost. They have a mixed tag team “Monster’s Ball” match Sunday night at “Slammiversary,” which Daffney lost. For absolutely no good reason, with zero hype or build, they have a “Match of 10,000 Tacks” that Daffney loses! Aside from completely desensitizing fans to this sort of match and rendering it completely ineffective, what possible good reason is there for the heel crazy chick to lose all these matches? Shouldn’t Taylor Wilde be getting her pretty little backside handed to her?
To the back! Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne sit on their thrones and talk about Tara. Her name is apparently short for “Tarantula,” and they won’t let someone from another organization come in and take the Knockouts title. A real tarantula turns up on Madison Rayne’s shoulder, and shrieking ensues.
To the back! In Mick Foley’s office, Team 3D confront Foley over the tag team title match arrangement. Foley offers them a “Number One Contender” match against Steiner and Booker, with the winners facing Beer Money for the titles at the ppv. Team 3D doesn’t want to until Foley gets on his knees and begs them to take the match. Taken aback, they agree to the match.
Match #4: Scott Steiner defeats Robert Roode: Uh, sure. MEM wins again. Just like old times.
To the back! JB interviews Angle. Angle answers to no one, not even Sting.
To the back! JB chats with Foley, who is all about making up with Jarrett if Jarrett apologizes next week when he shows up. Angle can meet with Foley next week if he is angry about Foley’s “tweaking” of their title match deal.
To the back! Lauren asks Eric Young what’s up. Young refuses to be the court jester, and has learned that there are no friends in this business. Rhino steps up and confronts Young, who headbutts him and leaves. Jesse Neal checks on Rhino, who gets mad at him and shoves him away.
To the back! Lauren asks Booker T about his match, and he insults Team 3D. Sharmell runs up with paperwork in hand, giving her a match against Jenna Morasca at the ppv, because there’s only room for one female in the MEM. Great. A nonwrestling personality and skanky reality tv show winner from 2003 get a ppv wrestling match. The non-WWE part of the roster can’t be happy with this, nor should they be.
Match #5: Booker T defeats James Storm: Uh, sure. MEM wins again. Just like old times. Booker has Sharmell get Storm’s beer bottle, and smashes Storm in the head with it.
To the ring! AJ Styles calls out Samoa Joe and yells at him. He wants to know who is in Joe’s head. Joe says that AJ can ask him himself at “Victory Road.” AJ attacks Joe. Matt Morgan makes the save for Joe and attacks AJ. Daniels makes the save for AJ. The entirety of the Main Event Mafia comes out and takes out all the non-MEM people. Sting comes out with his bat. Sting berates the MEM, and tells Nash that he expected better from him. Nash explains that Sting’s plan of “honor and dignity” for the MEM didn’t work, and Angle’s plan did. They couldn’t beat Joe, so they bought him, and had to have Jenna Morasca’s money to do it. Sting brings up Nash’s son. Sting hands Nash his bat and tells him to hit him, and turns his back. Nash goes for it, but Sting has a second bat and hits Nash first. Sting starts laying out the MEM, but Joe gets one of the bats and beats down Sting. The whole MEM stomps on Sting as the show ends.
FINAL THOUGHTS: If I sound overly negative and hostile toward this week’s show, it’s because I am. Unlike some people, if I didn’t really care about the product, I wouldn’t get upset when things like this show happen. “Slammiversary” was quite well-done, and following it up shouldn’t have been difficult. Did Jarrett and Foley lose their executive power when they failed to win the World Heavyweight title? Why does the MEM run the show and make their own matches? I get the Foley compromise bit, and actually like that part, but we seem to have come back to the “MEM dominates the show and win all their matches, and anything not part of the MEM doesn’t matter” routine. Had there actually been any semblence of a Frontline/Originals group, this might have been ok, with power shifting back and forth, but it all got dropped. Sting is out of the MEM, and certainly is not the Godfather anymore, despite winning a match with that stipulation. Angle is the Godfather again simply because he says that he is. Apparently, match stipulations can be disregarded at will, with no consequences of any kind. As if all that wasn’t bad enough, Chris Sabin wasn’t even on the show. Not even in a short backstage segment. That’s just cruel, TNA! I don’t ask you for much.
Join us next week for more detailed “Impact” Impressions, and hopefully, news of gainful and legal employment!
Apparently, as this goes to print, I have been bought out. A deal has been made between Joe and ‘the Donald’, which means that this week’s column is bought to you by ‘the Donald’.
WWE
The Bash is this weekend, so I suppose, i’d better preview it for the public.
Jimmy Valiant vs Paul Jones in a Dog Collar match
Expect the ‘Handsome’ one to win this one.
Billy Graham, Konga the Barbarian and Abdullah the Butcher w/Paul Jones vs Manny Fernandez, Sam Houston and Buzz Tyler
Even though their manager competed in the first match, I see Graham’s team winning. The size and craziness of the Butcher will be too much for the other team to handle.
Ron Bass w/James J. Dillon vs Buddy Landell
I see the future Horsemen manager playing a part in this one. Ron Bass takes it out for me.
Minnesota Wrecking Crew (c) (Ole and Arn Anderson) vs Buzz Sawyer and Dick Slater – NWA National Tag Team Championship
I see the Andersons scraping this one out and retaining the gold.
NWA World Tag Team Champions: Krusher Khruschev and Ivan Koloff vs the AWA World Tag Team Champions: the Road Warriors w/Paul Ellering
I see the AWA Champs taking this one out in what will sure to be nothing short of a fight between these four guys.
Somehow, in some way, I can see Magnum retaining the gold. Possibly by a countout or a disqualification, but he will retain.
Ric Flair (c) vs Nikita Koloff w/Ivan Koloff with David Crockett as Referee for the NWA World Heavyweight Championship
Flair always seems to rise in the big occasions, and even with the help of Ivan, I can’t see Nikita winning. The dirtiest player in the game gtes the win.
Tully Blanchard (c) w/Baby Doll vs Dusty Rhodes for the NWA World Television Chanpionship in a Steel Cage
Blanchard has nowhere to run and nowhere to hide from the American Dream. One final Bionic Elbow and Dusty becomes champ.
TNA
They had a PPV. Slammiversary Seven. It was a momentus occasion, considering seven seems to be the celebratory number in TNA. Anyways, let’s review the results shall we?
Pre Show: the British Invasion def. Eric Young and Rhino
Who cared?
Suicide (c) def. ‘Paparazzi’ Alex Shelley, Randy Savage, Afro Thunder and Chris Sabin in a King of the Mountain match for the X Division Championship
Nice to see Kaz is still in the mask (Note: Suicide isn’t kaz, it’s this guy.
Daniels def. Shane Douglas for Daniels’ TNA roster spot
Money on it, that Douglas is on this week’s iMPACT.
Angelina Love (c) w/Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne def. Tara for the Knockouts Championship
“…All the things she said, running through my head…”
Abyss and Taylor Wilde def. Daffney and Raven w/Dr. Stevie in a Monster’s Ball Mixed tag match
Didn’t they have one of these like last month?
Rhino def. Team Canada (Bobby Roode and Coach D’Amore) in a Handicap match
This match happened at the 2006 edition of Slammiversary, thus not relevant to this particular PPV
Sting def. Matt Morgan for a spot in the Main Event Mafia
As if Morgan was going to win
Beer Money def. Team 3D (c) to win the TNA Tag Team Championship
Justice has been served, one half of AMW and one fifth? one sixth? of Team Canada reclaim the gold. Best Tag team in wrestling. BEER! MONEY!
Kurt Angle def. Mick Foley (c), Jeff Jarrett, Gonorrhea, Taka Michinoku, Funaki, Christian Cage, Alzheimer’s Disease, Samoa Joe, Chris Harris, Scott Steiner, Doink the Clown, the Rock, Lance Hoyt, Lo-Ki, heel CM Punk, Taka Michinoku, Funaki, Vitali Klitschko, Vlade Divac, Chris Webber, Anfernee Hardway, Toby Keith, Christy Hemme, ABBA, Stephen Root, George Constanza, Trey Parker, Taka Michinoku, Funaki, Syphillis, John C. Reilly, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, Bill Guerin, Alzheimer’s Disease, the Triumvirate of TN-Awesomeness, Nash Bridges, Cheech Marin, Tecmo Superbowl, Wario, Sidney Crosby, ThinkSoJoe’s ex-wife, Mick Foley’s book ‘the Hardcore Diaries’, a Bookshelf, AJ Styles, Air Paris, the 1973 Chicago Bears, Terry Bradshaw’s hairpiece, Cactus Jack, Dude Love, Chainsaw Charlie and Alzhe … I forget in a King of the Mountain match for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship
Twenty-seven is an ominous number for rock stars. Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and several others have died at that age. It’s also a number associated with “Weird Al” Yankovic for some reason. It’s also the number of championships the man we’re here to talk about today has won during his WWE career as of press time. He’s the only person to have held all six major championships across RAW and SmackDown. He’s also the only person that Hulk Hogan has ever held a tag team championship with. I’m referring, of course, to SmackDown’s current World Heavyweight Champion, Edge.
On June 22, 1996, Pitbull #2 was upended in a match for the ECW World Television Championship. It was his opponent’s first championship in North America, and announcer Joey Styles noted that fact, stating that while it may have been his first title in the United States, it sure wouldn’t be his last. Little did he know how right he’d be.
It’s time for the second Friday The Thirteenth episode of SmackDown this year – with one more to go, being mine and JT’s birthday in November! I have no idea what’s booked for tonight, so we’ll find out as we go along!
Alright, I watched SmackDown last night, and don’t feel like watching it over again to review it, so we’re gonna wing it – like this week’s ECW review, but better. I know, I know, you’re all wondering, “Why didn’t you just review the show while you were watching it?” Well, I’ll tell you why. Because I’m f#$%ing lazy, that’s why!
So, put the blue ropes on the ring, paint your face up all wacky, steal a Heavyweight Championship, and job to Kung Fu Naki, it’s time for SmackDown!
