Tonight was a 3-hour Raw with The Rock or something.
It began with the Michael Cole challenge. There was a really awful arm wrestling. Then we got to see JR dance. Is there anything they won’t do to him? At this point, Jim Ross needs to tell the WWE to go f*** themselves. Then the final thing was a weighing contest. Then we are saved by CM Punk who rips into Michael Cole. Finally we have the sanest man in wrestling. Johnny Ace makes a match and Eddie Kingston dies inside. CM Punk is RP McMurphy in the insane asylum.
Mick Foley came out of a limo.
We had a pretty decent tag match. Cody Rhodes and Hunico versus Sin Cara and Kofi Kingston. It was a good solid match. The funniest part was that she had to leave the room because she was on the phone and she got distracted because she likes Sin Cara.
The Rock arrived. My wife’s heart fluttered.
Santino pimped the WWE new video game with Zack Ryder.
Vickie Guerrero walked out. Dolph Ziggler would be the new member of Team Barrett.
The Walking Wellness Violation Mason Ryan took on Dolph Ziggler. Vickie interfered and Dolph was dq’d. As Vickie and Dolph ran, John Morrison threw him back in the ring for some roid rage.
Mick Foley got to do the “Woo woo woo, you know it” thing with Zack Ryder. Then he walked out before the adoring crowd. Foley wants people to cheer John Cena. Then Foley invites John Cena to the ring. They went back to This is Your Life? Foley is one of my favorite all time on the mic. (Punk, Funk, Heyman, Dusty, Flair) Why did they have to have to do something so unoriginal? It was fun seeing Bull Buchanan. Then they brought out John Cena, Sr. I will never complain about Bob Orton Sr. after seeing that travesty.
We got Jack Swagger getting mugged by Sheamus. It wasn’t that bad of a match. Swagger now is my cue to play Civilization IV.
The Bellas would rather have Alberto Del Rio than Zack Ryder.
There was a video package of Kelly Kelly’s photo shoot. Due to me not being 12, I could care less.
Kelly Kelly pinned Nattie Neidhart in record time. Alicia Fox looked really hot in her dress. But don’t worry, AJ, you’re still the center of my Divas universe.
Super Dave and ADR argue about something. Matt Striker is standing by with R-Truth and Miz. I think Miz was just wearing random outfits that didn’t matter whether they matched or not.
As Punk was walking out to the ring, ADR attacked him. Ugh, why is Punk walking around by himself?
Alberto Del Rio walks out and I just gotta say Ricardo Rodriguez is one of my favorite things on WWE TV. We had ADR/Henry vs. Big Show/Punk. Punk apparently had some spinach or something. He came out and wanted ADR. This made me intrigued with this match for the first time ever. I thought they had some pretty decent things going on in this match. Big Show-Henry was no Chikara action, but I am looking forward to this match. ADR won and then put Punk in the arm breaker. Big Show came to his rescue. Decent build-up.
Santino Marella came out and cut a cute promo. Then Kevin Nash came out; everybody died inside except Jim Cornette. At least it wasn’t a big name he destroyed.
Michael Cole was doing the video game hard sell and my wife the nurse pointed out he wasn’t even wearing his sling right.
Looks like they’re serious about Wade Barrett again. It was a decent match, but it was SO predictable.
Then The Rock came out and rambled. Fortunately for us, with The Rock, it never seems like rambling. Then Miz and Truth came out and held their own against The Rock, and then John Cena came out. They forgot the TV-PG part for a minute. It was just ok for me.
I didn’t entirely hate this Raw. The first segment made me want to close my eyes and dream of Chikara. But it went better as time went on. I’m thinking “thumbs in the middle.”
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For those of you who have no idea who Mr. Peppermint is, click here. His show, Peppermint Palace, was on every Saturday morning on ABC at 6 (or 5, I don’t remember). His show meant Saturday morning cartoons were going to start. And that was back when you didn’t have Nick Jr. or Cartoon Network. This was the highlight of your week. So a moment of silence and respect to Mr. Peppermint.
We have some questions from last week’s Raw. What will come of “on-fire” Alberto del Rio? What of Miz and Truth being fired? What injury will Tony Romo suffer? What indy promotion do I want to get next and do a review on? (I’m thinking Chikara.)
We start off with Triple H. I look at upcoming Chikara and AAW shows. My AIW show is on its way. Triple H was interrupted by Vickie Guerrero. And yet, people still booed her. Ziggler sounded really good. Ziggler and Triple H played off each other really well. Then Cody Rhodes interrupted. And then Christian interrupted. Christian gets lots of matches. Ziggler fights Zack Ryder. Cody Rhodes gets a Battle Royal.
This was a pretty good fast Battle Royal. Cody Rhodes retained.
After the break, Super Dave Osborne is talking to “Not-so-Super” David Otunga. Apparently, he is still a lawyer even if he’s not practicing. Oh, the stupid… It burns.
We got a tag match. Nattie/Beth vs. Eve/Kelly. We got a Kelly Kelly video package. We need more of these. The crowd actually seemed to care about this match. Beth pinned the champion. Hopefully we get Beth winning more. Her and Nattie are a really good duo.
Mark Henry took apart Great Khali. It was an awesome image and added credibility to his tear of destruction.
John Cena cut a promo. Kansas City thought he was the Chiefs because there were some cheers, but a lot more boos. Then Del Rio came out ringside. Del Rio was doing commentary with his wrestling tights on. Then Punk came out with his announcer’s jacket. This match ended in a DQ. This was the best way to do this. Christian didn’t lose.
We got Zack Ryder vs. Dolph Ziggler. We got to plug Hugh Jackman’s film. Ziggler looked really good in this match. Due to some outside interference by Jack Swagger, we got a tainted Ziggler victory. Air Boom came to Ryder’s rescue.
Teddy Long made a match: AirBoom/Ryder vs. Swagger/Ziggler in a handicap match. This was a fun match. The crowd was really into it. Vickie went out and found a soon-to-be-suspended Mason Ryan, affectionately known as “Matista.” He’s a heel still. As soon as Mason Ryan was tagged it, he was a heel no more. He took out Team Vickie. Why did he do that? Interesting question.
Not-so-Super David Otunga is talking to the boys in the locker room. He’s creating a lawsuit. I like this. It’s creating an interesting storyline.
Our main event was ADR vs. CM Punk. This was a really decent match. Punk won. Then the cage lowered. Punk and Cena destroyed Ricardo Rodriguez and then ADR destroyed the other two with a chair.
This was a pretty good Raw, but then again, I DVR’d it so I didn’t have to sit through the stuff I didn’t want to see. But a lot of questions are raised. And I’m really digging the build-up for Hell in a Cell.
Last week, we saw one of the weirdest, most bizarre changes in wrestling history. Tonight, there seems to be a new era, the real-life McMahon-Helmsley era, if you will. Questions abound. Who will become champion? Will Alberto del Rio cash in Money in the Bank? Will we see Zack Ryder? Who will Mark Henry sideline? Will we ever see Sin Cara again? Will my wife bring me home my drink from Sonic? (She did, btw.)
The signature opens up. How do they have time for Ultimate Warrior? Are they proud of him? Really? (<—— Miz voice) No wonder CM Punk wants to quit.
Whyyyyy in the blue hellllllllll (<——– Rock voice) is the championship match kicking off a Raw? I liked the wrestlers watching in the back. These two had a really good match. Rey and Miz had really nice chemistry together. And then, in a move that surprised absolutely no one, Alberto del Rio came in to cash in his Money in the Bank. Rey let ADR know that he was ready when he did a plancha onto ADR. ADR changed his mind and took his briefcase and went to the back. We all saw ADR cashing it in, but not cowering out.
Vince McMahon on commentary used to drive “Anything can happen in the WWF” down our throats worse than Rocky Maivia. I feel like we’re getting to that place again.
Then we get a nice recap featuring a champagne bath featuring Zack Ryder. And then they cut to John Cena who shook his hand. Don’t worry, John. You’ll get it back in no time.
Then we have Dolph Ziggler versus Evan Bourne. (My wife likes Evan Bourne, so she stayed awake during this match.) Commentary was strong during this match. Lawler made Bourne seem important. This was a really strong match. It got over Ziggler and the sleeper hold. And I don’t think Bourne lost anything by losing here.
Keith Stone is once again on my tv. This is not acceptable. Maryse & Melina vs. Kelly Kelly & Eve Torres. I am liking Eve more and more. And Maryse is sexy. This is quite possibly the worst match on Raw I have seen in some time. I’m just happier that this match got longer than the Keith Stone segment.
R-Truth is talking to Triple-H. Back from the commercial break, Triple-H is in the ring. This feels important. This monologue gives me what I need to browse some Ring of Honor and WWE and MPX (Buy a $Payday$ t-shirt. Just because I said so.) t-shirts. I loved the swerve of us thinking CM Punk was coming out and getting Jim Ross instead. Though I gotta admit. The moment I hear the snare drums, I think of Roddy Piper. Then Cole cut a promo. HHH gave him the rest of the night off as an announcer. But not as a wrestler. Cole had a match next. Then R-Truth got the hottest segment of the night. HHH got to channel his old DX self. “Are you talking to me or are you talking to these other guys?” R-Truth does the psycho eyes better than anybody else. HHH watches R-Truth walk away and lets him know HHH re-signed somebody else-John Morrison.
Then Michael Cole came out to the ring in Triple-H’s music. And his opponent… Zack Ryder. In the span of a minute, my Twitter timeline had 16 comments about Zack Ryder. It was worse than the diva match, but in Cole’s defense, he’s not a wrestler. The crowd went nuts. It was nice. Please tell me they are going to use him.
We had a Kofi-Alberto del Rio match. Kofi is such an incredible athlete. Aside from Rey, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a luchador adjust to the WWE in-ring style as well as del Rio. The finish was really strong. Kofi almost had del Rio down for the pin. Kofi had an injured arm and tapped out because of the injury and looked pretty strong even after a loss.
HHH will be on Smackdown! The exclamation point is there because it’s on the name, not because I’m enthused.
My tv does not need to be adjusted. Jim Ross is supposed to be there. Who has an “Add Jim Ross” on their settings? Maybe he can do commentary on General Hospital. “Stone Cold! Stone Cold!” regarding Jason. (I’m married. Don’t judge me.)
Miz is not happy. A champion needs a face. And, in a cheap plug worthy of DX, Miz will be on The George Lopez Show on Wednesday. Something tells me Miz may NOT be the focal point of that show, as it most likely will be crashed. Then Rey comes out to face the Confederate Warrior. The crowd really is in to John Cena. Maybe they’re in Charleston, SC. I heard the Confederacy was big there. While I can mock them all I want, this was a hot crowd. Cena and Rey fought a really good match. I really had no idea who was going to win this one. Watching Cena win made me a little sick, but then Punk’s music hit and he has new music. They had a nice stare-down with their belts.
All in all, this was such a good Raw. There are things I didn’t like. I didn’t like Cena winning the belt. I didn’t like the divas segment/match. But all the rest of the matches were great. (I’m not counting Ryder-Cole as a match.) It was undpredictable, fun, and it sounds like they are listening to us.
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Well I’m back here for another week of what’s going on in the world of whatever, whenever, whomever, wherever, whyever and however. (Wow I can’t believe I just wrote that!) Lets hope I can remember everything that I wanted to talk about: (more…)
Well with then end of the world not happening or now not happening until October, I guess we are here for a few more months I guess. Well that’s not really a bad thing since we are still up and running to give you the best at what we do, what ever that may be. So now without further ado, here’s what I do: (more…)
Sorry about missing last week’s RAW everyone, but I started work Monday, and then spent the rest of the day at Universal Studios, where I mentally spent most of the day mocking TNA and the signs telling me to go watch it, and then forgot all about TNA in favor of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. BUT! I am here tonight!
There’s a rumor going around that Trish Stratus will be back tonight with Snooki and will team with her and John Morrison to go up against Dolph Ziggler and LayCool! But, is it true? I guess we’ll find out. Not only that, but what else is next on WWE Champion The Miz’s schedule on his way to Wrestlemania? I don’t know that either, so we’ll find out… I hope!
Also. Unrelated. Go vote for Chris Jericho for Dancing With the Stars, alright? You should totally do it. I did.
HOLY CRAP!! IT’S JR!?!?!?!
…. Or not. Fucking Cole.
Cole walks out in a fat suit, something on his leg, something in his mouth, a bottle of JR’s BBQ and a cowboy hat. Last week, Swagger put JR in an ankle lock? Is that what I heard? I kind of want to punch Cole in the head. Josh Matthew looks unbelievably bored. And Cole is hiding in “the Cole Mine”? Whatever. Coward.
It’s time to play the game…
Triple H makes his way down to the ramp, all authority and badass-ery, as usual.
I have to take a moment and say, the WWE cameramen are pretty fucking spectacular at getting some pretty badass shots of the Superstars and Divas. Definitely good at their jobs. Shout out to those guys. Alright, back to the facts now.
Triple H says almost twenty years in this business. It’s a long time. He walks out there and looks at everyone and wonders, could this be the last time he’s in that building? In two weeks, there is the defining moment of his entire career. In two weeks, it’s the defining moment of the Undertaker’s career. Everyone’s talking, there are signs. Nineteen and zero, eighteen and one. Time to end the streak. The whole world is talking about this match. Two icons clashing like never before, the Undertaker, Triple H, no holds barred. He has no idea what this match will take out of him, or how much it will take out of the Undertaker. He knows that neither one of them will ever be the same, he can assure us of that. This is the biggest match he’s ever been in in his life. That Streak of eighteen years is bigger than any championship, maybe all of the championships he’s ever held combined. And ending it will be a career defining moment. Before they go to the ring and tear each other apart, put each other through Hell, Triple H wants Taker to do him a favor: Come there next week, stand in the ring, one week before they collide, Triple H wants to look him in the eye, stand face to face, man to man, and Triple H wants to tell him what is going to happen at Wrestlemania. He is going to look Taker in the eye and tell him he will lose. Triple H will end the Streak. The thing is, when it dies, so does the Undertaker. If Triple H can’t do it, he will die trying. But Deadman, Triple H wants that one last opportunity, to stand face to face with you, like your song says: Ain’t no grave can hold this body down, right? When Triple H ends the Streak, that’s it. It’s done. Undertaker, at Wrestlemania, you go 18 and 1. Undertaker, at Wrestlemania, you will Rest. In. Peace.
Ted says one year ago, he was one of the rising Superstars of the WWE. He competed his first Wrestlemania match against Randy Orton. And this year, he’s just an afterthought. Well, he won’t be an afterthought anymore. He’s making his own opportunity. What if Ted takes out the Cerebral Assassin on live television two weeks before Wrestlemania? Then people will have no choice but to take notice of him, Ted DiBiase.
Ted goes to get in the ring, but Triple H throws him out and stays on him, taking a few hits from Ted . Triple H fights back and hurls Ted right into the steel steps. He throws the top steps off and bounces Ted’s head off the other set. Ted is then thrown into, or flipped into, the guard rail before Triple H grabs a chair. He drives it into Ted’s torso before hitting Ted with it once, twice, three, four times. He loses the chair, then stands over Ted for a moment, then eyes the announce table. Triple H clears the table of the monitors, then grabs Ted, gets him on the announce table. Triple H then makes the slashing motion across his throat and Pedigrees Ted through the announce table.
Tonight, John Cena is going to respond to The Miz’s attack last night, via satellite. And, not only that, but The Miz is going to “Rewrite Miz-tory” and change the face of the WWE.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 Teddy, Teddy, Teddy….. Taking on a #WM27 headliner 2 weeks before the match? Thought your daddy raised you better! #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw
@HitTheRopes Props to Teddy for having more offense against Trips than Sheamus did a few weeks ago. #JobbingIsPriceless
@SuperCoolBerry Oh so Cena “Bringin’ It via Satellite” now……he biting The Rock. Smh
We come back to Monday Night RAW with the new United States Champion, Sheamus in the ring!
United States Champion King Sheamus vs Evan Bourne
Sheamus starts out hard against Bourne and throws him to the ground before stomping away on him, using his knee. Bourne rolls under the bottom rope, but Sheamus grabs him and hits him with some hard forearms, sending Evan between and underneath the ropes again. Sheamus stops on Bourne’s hand, then throws him into the corner, but Bourne ducks a clothesline and kicks Sheamus right in the face. Bourne goes up to the top turnbuckle and misses the Air Bourne. Sheamus gets up and hits a Brogue Kick for the win.
United States Champion King Sheamus wins via pinfall.
Sheamus has a mic and says that he is now our new champion of the United States of America. He is interrupted by my favorite person ohwait.
Daniel Bryan says that one of the great things about this country is everybody gets an opportunity, no matter where they’re from. Bryan says that he wants to invoke his rematch clause at Wrestlemania. Sheamus shrugs, throws the title at Bryan, and then Brogue Kicks him in the face. Right in the face.
Tonight, a Wrestlemania Rewind from Wrestlemania 22, it’s Randy Orton vs Rey Mysterio.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!! (Exit theme version)
@kickoutblog A kick to the face usually counts as a “yes” when someone makes a challenge.
@Whovian_23 You know I’m sure there was someone else in the Orton/Mysterio match at WrestleMania 22… #WWE #RAW #BWF
<WWE Slam of the Week: Last Monday, Randy Orton destroys Mason Ryan, and then punts him in the head.>
Randy’s getting out of his tour bus and Scott Stanford meets him, asking what it’s like for Randy to travel in the gorgeous tour bus. Randy says the bus is great, offers privacy, and lets him bring his family with him on the road. On this very bus is where he witnessed the birth of the New Nexus, and the footage he likes to watch over and over again are the ones where he dismantles the new Nexus one punt at a time. Punk has no one to watch his back, but insists that he’s still sick and twisted. But, Punk has no idea what sick and twisted really is.
Maryse vs Diva’s Champion Eve Torres
Maryse mocks Eve right as they start, and Eve mockingly claps at her, and Maryse says that nobody cares about Eve. Maryse misses a slap, and Eve connects with one. Maryse then tackles Eve and slams her face down on the mat a few times. Maryse then throws Eve into the corner, slapping her before sending her face into the turnbuckle. She digs her knee into Eve’s back , and then misses an attempted hit. Cole interrupts yet again, asking if we can get it over with as Eve hits a cross body on Maryse and misses a cover. Eve then sends Maryse’s face into the turnbuckle and throws Maryse onto the ground, kicking her a few times before hitting a clothesline. Eve then goes to hit the handspring moonsault, but Maryse lifts her knees. Maryse gets Eve up, then Eve counters, hitting something or another, and pins her for the win.
Diva’s Champion Eve Torres wins via pinfall.
Cole keeps talking, and Eve is about to go attack Cole, but the bodyguard keeps her out of the way. Eve obviously wants to attack Cole and nearly slaps him. Cole then starts to climb out of the little glass room, he’s in, and then walks away.
Tonight, The Miz is going to change the face of the WWE by rewriting “Miz-tory”.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Oh My God! After two plus years of just wearing a shirt, Randy Orton is wearing PANTS!
@ThingsColeSays HOLY SHIT….IS HE WEARING PANTS? FIRST TIME IN TWO YEARS!!!!!!!!!
@Whovian_23 Randy Orton wearing clothes on RAW for the first time ever I think. #WWE #RAW #BWF
@kickoutblog Again, WWE would never do something like this during a men’s match.
@CMPunkSays Once again, @MichaelCole attempts to bury an entire division in one fell swoop. #WWE
@KeepItFiveStar LMAO Maryse went in! “Nobody cares! NO BODY CARES ABOUT YOU HERE!” Speak the truth Maryse! Take down Juwanna Man!
@Niki_Sushi Oh, go the hell away, Eve. I’m sick of you. Give the title to someone who shows up more than once every few months. #BWF #RAW
@HitTheRopes I totally forgot Eve was champion… Scratch that, I totally forgot there was a Divas Championship.
@Whovian_23 I get that @MichaelCole is meant to be an unlikeable prick, but it not good for business when a commenter shows no interest in matches. #BWF
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last Friday: The Big Show and Kane win, via DQ, against Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater before the Corre destroy The Big Show and Kane. Probably a bad idea…>
Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater with The Corre vs Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov with Tamina
Wrestlemania this year starts at 7 PM!
Santino and Gabriel start, and Santino gets Gabriel down. He sets up for the Cobra, but catches Slater as he goes to get in, only to eat a very pretty spinning kick from Gabriel. Gabriel goes for the cover, but Santino kicks out. Slater gets tagged in and dominates Santino before putting him in a headlock. Santino battles out of it and throws Slater over him. Santino tries to get to Kozlov, but Slater stops him. Santino gets away from Slater and Slater shoves Santino right into Kozlov. Kozlov gets in and immediately dominates, but Barrett distracts Kozlov. Slater hits something or another on Kozlov and tags in Gabriel, who hits the 450 Splash for the win.
Tag Team Champions Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel win via pinfall.
And now, The Corre attacks Santino and Kozlov.
WEEEEEEEEEELL IT’S A BIG SHOW!
The Big Show and Kane, however, seem pretty pissed off after what happened on Friday and both get into the ring, attacking The Corre and saving Santino and Vladimir. Show hits the knockout punch on Slater before focusing on Jackson. Kane’s focus is on Barrett. Santino checks on Kozlov while Kane and Show give Ezekiel a huge choke slam. Tamina comes over to get her boys as Kane sets the ring on fire. Not literally, of course. Santino and Vladimir thank Show and Kane for their help.
Coming up next, John Cena responds to The Miz’ attacks live via satellite.
<COMMERCIAL>
@FrankWWEClown Somebody has a “One Man Rockband” sign in the front row. Get that girl some help, ASAP. #WWE #RAW
@Niki_Sushi No matter what, no remix will be as amazing as JeriShow. Good try, though. #BWF #RAW
@KeepItFiveStar Damn! Kane hopped on the ropes n shit. Show and Kane are NOT playin!
@HitTheRopes LOL, Cena is pulling a Rock and doing Bringing It Via Satellite #wwe
@HitTheRopes It’s quite obvious after seeing Cena being via satellite: @JohnCena fears @MikeTheMiz
Next Monday night, The Rock will be LIVE on Monday Night RAW!
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last Monday: John Cena vs Alberto Del Rio. Cena gets Rio up, but Brodus Clay interferes. Del Rio pushes Brodus away. The Rock’s theme starts, The Miz comes out in a skull cap. The Miz hits Rock Bottom. Miz attacks Cena viciously, and then wraps it all up with a Skull Crushing Finale into the WWE logo.>
Matthews says that next week, there will be no impersonations. What does John Plan to do next week? Cena says that next week will be epic. Next week, John will be face to face with The Rock. And if they do have a problem, then next week, that problem gets settled. Jerry asks if all the attention focuses on the Rock has taken his focus off the Miz and has he underestimated the Miz? John says he has and that’s why Miz has been able to attack him. He says the fact that he’s sitting at home is proof that Miz deserves to be the WWE Champion. It’s also proof that he claims he can change the face of the WWE. Miz dressing like Rock was one helluva stunt. He’s sure this celebration will be equally creative. He won’t be there tonight, but he’ll be watching. He hopes that tonight, The Miz rewrites history. Because at Wrestlemania, Cena plans on making history.
Cole takes the mic and climbs out of his little room, and says that Cena and the Rock have a lot in common. While they’re coming live via satellite, Cole’s there live in person. Coming up next, he has another worldwide exclusive, Mr. Lawler, something that we’re not gonna wanna miss, next.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog The Rock won’t even make it to WrestleMania after The Miz destroys him next week.
@kickoutblog John Cena wears his wrestling attire at home just in case the kid that mows his lawn starts talking shit.
We come back to Swagger and Cole in the ring together. Wow, this is the most screen time Jack’s gotten since… since… He was a member of the RAW Roster.
Swagger stands in front of Lawler as Cole asks for our attention. Cole says that he’d like to introduce us to the man who will train him for the Main Event at Wrestlemania, Jack Swagger. Last week, we had another worldwide exclusive, when he invited Lawler’s son to tell the world what kind of a gutless fraud Lawler really is. Cole was so touched by the emotional and heartwarming reunion, father and son together again, he wants to revisit it.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last week, Brian Christopher points out that he competed at Wrestlemania before King did, attacks his father, says he’s ashamed of Lawler.>
Cole quotes “ashamed of you”. Brian Christopher was so appreciative last week that Cole let him say what he did last week that he gave Cole a gift. Apparently, Brian Christopher gave him the Lawler Family Photo Album. Cole says that to understand what a person is all about, you have to go back to see the way he was raised. He shows a picture of King’s father. Cole says that he went digging for information and found out that King and his father are nothing but gutless cowards and bullies. People who talk a big game until someone steps up to them and puts them in their place. Cole says he’s going to put Lawler in his place at Wrestlemania. Cole finally realized that King, his mother, his father, and his son have one thing in common: the family is nothing but a bunch of losers. King takes off his headset and Swagger attacks him. However, King attacks back, dodging a kick and then bouncing Swagger’s head off the table. King then chases Cole, who runs right into a clothesline from Swagger. Swagger picks King up and puts him up against Cole’s glass box while Cole continues to insult Lawler’s family. Swagger then puts King in another ankle lock. Then Cole gets him in an ankle lock while Swagger rests his knee on Lawler’s head.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 Swagger smashing King’s face on the glass like he’s trying to use Silly Putty to lift a picture from the Sunday comics! #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw
@TKeep123 More Michael Cole… amazing how low they are going to help sell the Cole-King match. Is this really needed? #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw
TheRealEvilNeo Oh my, @JerryLawler is going to kill @MichaelCole #ThereWillBeBlood #WWE #RAW
@JonHexLives Didn’t Josh Matthews used to wrestle? Why doesn’t he help out? #WWE #RAW #BWF
Cole apologizes, saying that he let his emotions get the best of him, and Lawler kept pushing his buttons and he’s going to try to contain himself for the rest of the night.
Snooki has been all over the internet about how she’s getting in the ring for Wrestlemania!
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last week, Snooki guest stars on RAW, is interrupted by Vickie Guerrero, helps defeat LayCool, and accepts a Wrestlemania match.>
Dolph Ziggler with Vickie Guerrero and LayCool vs John Morrison with Trish Stratus
Morrison and Ziggler lock up, and Morrison starts to fight out, but Ziggler attacks Morrison. Ziggler starts to get Morrison up, but Morrison throws him into the corner. Ziggler kicks at Morrison’s knee and Ziggler goes for a cover, but Morrison kicks out. Ziggler gets right back on Morrison and jumps on him before going for another cover, but kicks out. Ziggler gets Morrison in a side-headlock, but Morrison fights up to his feet and out, only to get a kick to the stomach. Ziggler Whips Morrison, who ducks it, and then hits a clothesline before flipping Ziggler out of the ring. Morrison goes to jump out of the ring at Ziggler, but McCool stands in the way. Trish gets Layla and McCool out of the way, then gets in the ring.
“I am now ordering this match to be a handicapped inter-gender tag team match. John Morrison will team up with Trish Stratus against Dolph Ziggler, LayCool, and Vickie Guerrero.”
Before the announcement is even done, Trish grabs Vickie’s hair, and it takes Dolph, Layla, and Michelle all to get her off.
<COMMERCIAL>
@ThingsColeSays Hahaha. Cole completely forgot, like all of us, that Dolph was World Champion.
@kickoutblog Good God, that Trish Stratus magazine cover is a Photoshop disaster.
Morrison and Ziggler are still in the ring, and Ziggler with another headlock. Morrison fights out again, but Ziggler keeps a hold of his hair, only to eat another kick to the face. Ziggler rolls to his corner and tags in Layla. Trish gets in the ring too, and ducks Layla’s clothesline. Trish hits some hard hits right into Layla’s face, kicking her in the stomach before Whipping her across the ring. Lay kicks her, and Trish flips her into the ring before slapping her chest twice, three times. Trish then Whips Lay, who turns it and Whips Trish into a kick by McCool. Layla tags in McCool, who hits Trish right in the temple with her knee. McCool attacks Trish, and then drops her knee on Trish repeatedly. McCool goes for a cover, but Trish kicks out at one. Trish counters something with something, I missed it, and McCool drags her back to their corner, tagging in Layla. Layla kicks Trish in the stomach before going for a cover, only for Trish to kick out. Layla throws Trish’s face into the mat and shoves her with her foot. Lay then throws her back into the ring, tagging in Vickie. Vickie almost hits something, but Trish manages to tag in Morrison. Ziggler jumps in and eats a clothesline before a couple of kicks. Morrison then bounces his head off the turnbuckle and hits the flash kick. Layla runs around the ring and hurls Trish off the side of the apron, Morrison misses Starship Pain, and Ziggler hits the Zig Zag. Vickie runs in and goes for the cover on Morrison, with some kind of Cougar movement that made me gag.
Vickie Guerrero, Dolph Ziggler, and Lay Cool win via pinfall.
Remind me: Inter-gender rules. Shouldn’t it have been Dolph who pinned him, because he’s a MAN?! Just asking…
Still to come, The Miz is going to rewrite “Miz-tory”.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 Vickie pins JoMo ?? Umm..but in Intergener rules…oh, wait….this is #WWE. Nevermind. #RAW #BWF #mnbw
@kickoutblog Come on @ScottArmstrong_, Vickie wasn’t legally allowed to pin John Morrison. Mixed tag rules! You just screwed Morrison like you did Taker!
@iPrinceRyMoZ: You know your life sucks when you get pinned by Vickie Guererro… #Smh #WWE #RAW
@PricelessRKO JoMo really didnt need that on his record…smh #WWE #RAW #BWF
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Sin Cara Promo…>
BRING ME SIN CARA! Please?
<VIDEO PACKAGE: John Cena, Big Show, Arn Anderson, Randy Orton, Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat, Jerry “The King” Lawler, John Morrison, JR, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Booker T, Harley Race, Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho!, Dusty Rhodes comment on Triple H vs The Undertaker at Wrestlemania.>
I hear voices in my head…
Randy Orton vs Rey Mysterio – Wrestlemania 22 Rewind
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog Okay, NOW I’m excited for Triple H vs. Undertaker. WWE’s hype machine strikes again.
@KeepItFiveStar Wow. All these Superstars did this Taker interview in John Cena’s house
@CMPunkSays I want Sin Cara nowwwwwwwwwww #WWE
@JCenadotcom Sin Cara: the most anticipated debut since forever! Can’t wait!
@Niki_Sushi I SERIOUSLY wanna see Sin Cara! C’mon! #BWF #RAW
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Orton is interviewed earlier, and is it just me, or is Randy going to end up getting a sound guy fired?>
Orton and Rey go to lock up, but Rey wraps his arms around Randy and ducks it. Rey kicks at Randy, Randy kicks back. Randy throws Rey into a corner, Rey takes advantage with some kicks. Randy seems to be forgetting that Rey is small. Randy ducks a kick and Rey eats an uppercut by Orton. Orton then throws Rey right out of the ring, causing him to bounce on the floor outside. Orton climbs out of the ring and throws Rey back into the ring, going for a cover, but Rey kicks out at two. Orton drops his knee on Rey and goes for another cover, but Rey kicks out again. Orton puts Rey in a headlock and Rey fights to his feet before fighting his way out of it, only to get an elbow on his back. Randy throws him into a corner then puts him on the top turnbuckle. Rey fights Orton as Orton gets up and Rey hits the seated senton on Orton, only to get a scoop slam. Orton grabs Rey and pulls him back into the ring, starting to deliver that DDT, but Rey counters and gets Orton in position, but misses the 619, only to get hit with the DDT. Punk, however, interrupts on the TitanTron.
Punk is outside by Randy’s tour bus and says that he doesn’t know what sick and twisted is, but he does know that Orton has a very nice tour bus, and Punk can’t wait to meet his wife. Randy then takes off backstage and runs outside to his bus, starting to get inside, only to get hit by Punk. A woman begins screaming, and Punk tells her to shut up as Punk holds a wrench. Punk says that the voices are probably telling Orton that he shouldn’t have punted Nexus. Ain’t that a kick in the head? He then blows a kiss at Sam, who gets out of the bus and kneels with Randy when Punk walks away.
Up next, The Miz is going to rewrite Miz-tory.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog What’s the matter, Randy? CM Punk just wanted to introduce himself to your wife. He’s just trying to be courteous and nice.
@KeepItFiveStar That was a plan by the selfish Rey Mysterio. He paid CM Punk to distract Orton and flirt with his wife. What a horrible person
@HitTheRopes CM Punk about to show Orton’s wife his “straight edge” #wwe
@KeepItFiveStar Oh Randy, why did you even bring the bus? Don’t you know what happens in these situations?
@ImAMelFo If this was a real WM22 rematch, Kurt Angle’s music should hit any time now… #wwe #raw
@TKeep123 If this were the OLD Days…that Orton Tour BUS would end up wearing a green DX logo! #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw
@redsandman99 Orton don’t think that Punk is sick and twisted? Didn’t he see Punk crashing Mystero’s daughter’s birthday celebration? Or the Manson beard?
@seraphalexiel Randy’s just lucky that Punk didn’t go to his bus and introduce his wife to his sneaky penis
@Whovian_23 So if we believe WWE Randy Orton has had about four different wife’s… all named Samantha. #WWE #RAW #BWF
Next week, Triple H and The Undertaker will meet up face to face, and The Rock will be on RAW Live!
Alex Riley is in the ring and tells us his name is Alex Riley. Three weeks ago, he was fired as The Miz’ apprentice. But, lucky for everyone, he was rehired as the “Vice President of Corporate Communication”. Allow him to introduce the most must-see Champion and the best man at his wedding.
AWESOME
This Wednesday, The Miz is going to be on Conan on TBS!
Miz says that in the 1970s, people would travel great distances to say that they saw Muhammad Ali fight in person, and in the 80s, people would pay millions to see Michael Jordan in his prime play basketball. Now, in 2011, we have been blessed with the honor of watching him. When he first started, people didn’t take him seriously. Some people said that he was annoying, but now look how far we’ve come? Now, John Cena, like The Rock, hangs onto every single word Miz says. Last week, he imitated The Rock. He knows, it was good, got everyone. It was ironic, while there has been many wanna-be Rock clones over the years, the one person who imitated him correctly is one-of-a-kind, an original. He has rewritten history. Someone has come who has more charisma than Shawn Michaels, more physically something than Andre the Giant, more intelligent than John Cena and The Rock combined. He is the greatest WWE Champion in history. And, in the process, he has become bigger than the entire WWE Universe and every single one of us that’s in it. He has flipped the WWE since day one, and that is what he’s about to reveal, symbolizes and celebrates this iconic the WWE logo. He has flipped it in the form of an M. And that M stands for Miz. The time has now come. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to rewrite “Miz-tory”.
A drum roll sounds, and a spotlight shines over the covered thing in the ring. The cover is pulled away, and the WWE Championship is exactly the same, except the WWE logo is upside down. Miz lifts it over his head in victory. Alex Riley secures the belt around his waist. Miz says that this is what the WWE Championship will look like moving forward. It will no long spin like a toy, and we will look at it as the most coveted title in the world. Miz doesn’t plan on being a multi-time Champion, because he doesn’t ever plan on losing the title. Because he’s The Miz, and he’s–! Awesome!
John comes on the TitanTron clapping. He says the show was fantastic, moving, epic. He hasn’t seen something that emotional since the season finale of Flip This House. He flipped the WWE logo to an M for his name, because it begins with an M. The WWE Universe knows that Cena isn’t invincible, and knows that you should never make Cena angry. In thirteen days, Cena will make history at Wrestlemania. People come in and remove Cena’s walls. His living room got torn apart! Cena says that he was supposed to be broadcasting from his home, and he is. For the past nine years, the WWE has been his home. Right now, the two of them are in the middle of his living room, and he’s coming to take out the trash.
Cena heads to the ring and Miz and Riley prepare for him. Wisely, they watch every entrance they can see, but Cena comes on down the ramp. Miz is wielding the table as a shield in the ring. Cena runs into the ring and Miz throws the table at him. It’s an instant brawl as Riley and Miz attack Cena together. Cena fights back the best he can, but there’s a flurry of movement in the ring. When Cena starts to get advantage of one, the other jumps in. Cena gets Riley out of the ring and Miz heads out. Riley gets back in the ring and Cena locks in the STF on Riley. The ref climbs into the ring and tries to get Cena to let Riley go, but Cena holds fast. Miz comes back and Cena finally lets Riley go. Miz stands on the stage and watches as Cena locks the STF in again. Miz looks a bit upset and moves closer to the ring. Cena just waits for him, and then Miz walks out as Riley gets put into yet another STF. Two more refs join the first one and try to get Cena off of Riley.
That’s it for this week. Stay tuned for next week’s RAW!
Last week, the WWE celebrated its 600th episode of SmackDown!, and it was quite the eventful night – Teddy Long returned, rehired Edge, and then promptly fired Dolph Ziggler after the Rated R Superstar recaptured his World Heavyweight Championship.
Tonight, how will Vickie (and myself, for that matter!) deal with the loss of Dolph Ziggler? What repercussions will she face for her role in recent events? Let’s find out!
SmackDown! is 600 episodes old! I can vividly remember the 500th – time flies, huh? Our main event is a massive 12-man tag-team match, and I’m sure we’ll get a few more surprises thrown in for good measure!
Tonight will also see Dolph Ziggler crowned as the new World Heavyweight Champion. I’m sure that will go smoothly! (more…)
Yours truly with my live (on tape) Rumble Thoughts:
World Heavyweight Championship Match: Edge vs. Dolph Ziggler
Tony Chimel has finally gotten through puberty – his voice didn’t crack when he announced Edge as “The Rated R Superstar”
I absolutely cannot buy Dolph Ziggler as a legit challenger for the World Heavyweight Championship when he still looks like a knockoff dyslexic Billy Gunn (Ziggler has a backwards D and a backwards Z on his tights).
A 16:9 aspect ratio on a computer monitor is wonderful for doing BWF stuff because I can watch the show on one side of the screen while typing on the other, and I’ve still got a pretty decent sized picture.
Can I get the “NICKY” Spirit Squad graphic that G used a couple weeks back for Ziggler? I can? Awesome!
Is that a “Let’s Go Ziggler” chant? What are these people seeing that I’m not?
And Edge kicks out of the FameAsser, or whatever Ziggler calls it.
See Edge, if you would’ve hooked the tights, you would’ve won there. It’s like Jesse Ventura always says, “Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.”
Kelly Kelly?? Please don’t ruin Edge with a Kelly Kelly angle!
Has anybody EVER won a championship with a sleeper? Can somebody look into that for me?
Hmm. No Vicky. No referee. Hmm. I wonder what could happen now?
Yep. SPEAR! Jesse Ventura would be proud.
Killswitch?!?!?!? That reeks of awesomeness! Edge Wins!
And Chimel’s voice cracks, making the first point I made in this match null and void.
—
WWE Championship: The Miz vs. Randy Orton
Wait, what? World Heavyweight Championship match first, WWE Championship match next – it’s gotta be the Royal Rumble! And an Angry Miz Girl shot in the buildup video!
We get a Miz interview! Awesome! Ooh, and a shot at the Patriots!
Hey, they got it right this time – the challenger is coming to the ring first!
I like Miz’s trench coat better than mine. I wonder if he’d trade me.
Michael Cole’s commentary on the Miz reminds me of Bobby Heenan’s commentary on Ric Flair back in the day. Back when things weren’t often “Fair to Flair.”
I’d venture to say that A-Ry is going to be in the Rumble match, since he’s in his wrestling gear.
I wonder if the announcers realize that winning a title match at Royal Rumble doesn’t mean you’re going to WrestleMania – there’s still Elimination Chamber next month.
The voice of the WWE? I miss JR.
Can we get one of those old Batman graphics? Orton hitting his skull on the ringpost? KAARRR-AAAACK!
Nexus?!?!? Holy crap, Mason Ryan does look like Batista!
Nice dive out of the way by Chad Patton.
And Punk with the assist!
King isn’t the only one who doesn’t understand this – I have no idea why Nexus helped Miz win.
Actually, here’s a thought – A-Ry was on NXT with Harris and McGuillicutty. Perhaps he’s joined Nexus to help The Miz?
—
Cody Rhodes has dropped out of the Rumble because his face has been shattered by Rey Mysterio.
The fans in Boston think John Cena, Sheamus, Alberto Del Rio, Big Show, Wade Barrett, CM Punk, Rey Mysterio, Santino, Drew McIntyre, and Kofi Kingston are going to win the Royal Rumble. Apparently.
—
WWE Divas Championship: LayCool vs. Natalya
Ugh. I just wanna get to the Rumble. In the wo…
Ha! Cole got stuck!
And now we’ve got a Fatal Four Way: Natalya vs. Layla vs. Michelle McCool vs… Eve?!?
We couldn’t get Kong?!?
—
WWE Divas Championship: Natalya vs. Layla vs. Michelle McCool vs. Eve
Why Eve? Didn’t we start something with Gail Kim on RAW this week? She couldn’t be in here? Again, it’s the WWE using Gail Kim in a way that says, “she’s only on our roster so TNA can’t have her.”
Has the Double Sharpshooter ever been done before? I think I saw Natalya use it before.
Cole and Lawler are acting like they don’t know about Taka Michinoku, when both of them were in WWE while he was. Indeed!
Wait – so did Eve win? I’m confused. Where’s the GM? Michelle had Natalya pinned at the same time!
Guess he doesn’t want LayCool on RAW either.
—
Oh look, there’s Gail Kim now! She’s with Daniel Bryan who is talking about how cool it would be to win the Rumble. The Bellas apologize to the two of them, then insult them. Eve is the Divas Champion, and Gail Kim is fighting with the Bellas backstage. Once again. Say it with me, kids: “She’s only on our roster so TNA can’t have her.”
—
Is it time?!? Huh??? Is it?!? I don’t care about the Elimination Chamber PPV next month – I just want to see the Rumble match! Kudos to Matt Striker for pointing out that “Paul Revere” is also the title of a Beastie Boys song.
Rumble by the numbers – that means it’s almost time!
—
“Ladies and Gentlemen, it is now time… for the BIGGEST ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH in history!” Hooray!
CM Punk is number one?!? New Nexus has their work cut out for them helping him win tonight. Hopefully we’ll get Punk cutting promos between eliminations again this year, I loved that last year!
Wade Barrett?!? Or is it Zeke? Oh crap, The Corre just surrounded the ring! Where’s Nexus? There they are! WTF is going on?
The GM says to stop. The only superstar who has the right to be in the ring is CM Punk. Everybody else needs to GTFO or they’re out of the Rumble.
And a CM Punk chant breaks out as Daniel Bryan makes his way out, a former member of Nexus himself.
How awesome is it that we get 90 seconds of Punk and Bryan? The fans in Boston love it too!
Justin Gabriel officially in. Uh oh…. 450 on Punk? Nope, he missed. Bryan dumps him and we’re back to Punk/Bryan!
Oh, radio, tell me everything you know… At least I got to hear a bit of Zack Ryder’s theme! And two eliminations for Bryan – more Punk/Bryan!
William Regal! More great technical expertise in the ring! Punk/Regal/Bryan!
The ring’s filling up, who’s number 7? JoMo!
Holy shit! Morrison is FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!
And Regal got dumped by DiBiase in the meantime.
Yoshi Tatsu? He still works here?
Husky Harris here to help!
Oooh, Jobbo! Bets on which one goes out first, Guerrero or Tatsu. I got Guerrero.
Jobbo hits two suplexes on three straight guys, then the Three Amigos on Bryan.
Mizark Henry out next. And he tosses Chavo. I win!
And then Tatsu goes, also courtesy of Mark Henry.
JTG is bringin’ the hood to the Royal Rumble!
Lucky number 13 is Michael McGuillicutty, here to join his Nexus mates CM Punk and Husky Harris in battle, and he eliminates JTG.
Harris and McGuillicutty eliminate DiBiase as Chris Masters makes his entrance.
Why would Masters want to jump right into the middle of the New Nexus members that are in the ring? Of course, he gets Punk in the Masterlock and almost eliminates him before McGuillicutty saves the day.
David Otunga joins Nexus in the Rumble, and immediately, Punk eliminates Bryan, and Masters, while Nexus quadruple team Morrison out. It’s Nexus and Mark Henry in the ring, and they dump the World’s Strongest Man as well.
Tyler Reks runs into the ring where The New Nexus are waiting. Thanks for coming, Tyler!
Next victim: Vladimir Kozlov. He gets a good shot on Punk, but The Nexus gang up on him and take him down. Harris hits his finisher, and Punk tosses him. Nexus still standing tall.
Next victim: R-Truth. He barely makes it into the ring before Nexus swarm on him. Punk his the knee/bulldog combo in the corner, stopping to mock Truth in the meantime. R-Truth, gone. Nexus stand tall.
Next victim: The Great Khali! He’s back! He takes his time to get to the ring, he manages to hold his own, even eliminating Husky Harris. Khali taking care of Nexus as number 20 gets set to come out…
But it’s Mason Ryan! Nexus is back at four men in the ring, but Khali gets the upperhand. Momentarily. Ryan eliminates Khali, and the Nexus stand tall again.
CAN YOU DIG IT, SUCKA!!!
The six time World Champion, Booker T has arrived here in the Royal Rumble! He manages to hold his own against the Nexus, even hitting the scissor kick on Otunga before McGuillicutty attacks – and gets dropped with a bookend…
SPINAROONIE!!!!!
Mason Ryan saves CM Punk from elimination and dumps Booker T. Nexus still strong.
BRRRRRRRRRRRAPPLEJUICE! John Cena is here to take on The Nexus! Cena eliminates Mason Ryan, he gets Otunga and McGillicutty, and it’s down to John Cena and CM Punk!
With Punk and Cena down, entry number 23 enters – it’s Hornswoggle!?!
Punk sees Hornswoggle, who tells Punk to bring it. He catches a knee from Punk who goes back to work on Cena. He tries to eliminate Cena, but Cena reverses it into an AA over the top rope! Cena’s eliminated, single handedly, 4 of the 5 New Nexus members! Cena and Hornswoggle stand tall!
Tyson Kidd has no chance here. Hornswoggle and Cena double team Kidd, and Hornswoggle hits an Attitude Adjustment! You can’t see Hornswoggle! You can’t see Kidd either, since Cena tossed him out.
Heath Slater, no stranger to John Cena, is representing the Corre. Hornswoggle hit Sweet Shin Music and a Stunner on Slater, and Swoggle and Cena hit a double 5 knuckle shuffle, and Horny nails the Tadpole Splash. Thanks for coming, Heath Slater! Cena and Swoggle are rolling here!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Friday Night SmackDown’s Intercontinental Champion is fired up and ready to go! Cena and Kingston look at the WrestleMania sign, and it looks like we’re set for a friendly competition here. Kingston’s offense stuns Cena.
Jack Swagger has drawn Number 27, the lucky number in the Royal Rumble match, at least in the past. He hits Cena and Kingston with Vader Bombs, but lets himself get distracted by Swoggle. Kingston hits a Boom Drop on Swagger off the back of Hornswoggle.
Sheamus joins the fray. Hornswoggle tries to form an alliance with Sheamus, to no avail. He tunes up the band, and hits Sweet Shin Music for the second time in this match. Cena saves Swoggle, but gets socked by Swagger. Swoggle gets Brogue Kicked by Sheamus out of this match.
Rey Mysterio jumps in, a former Rumble Winner himself, and he takes everybody out, but gets clotheslined by Sheamus before he could hit the 619 on Swagger.
Swagger gets 619ed out of the match by Mysterio.
Wade Barrett represents the Corre at number 30.
Dolph Ziggler is still beat up from his World Heavyweight Title match earlier as he enters at number 31 – the very first number 31 entrant in Royal Rumble history!
BIG DADDY COOL DIESEL!!! Number 32 is freakin’ Diesel!!
Drew McIntyre joins the growing number of men in the ring. A “Let’s Go Diesel” chant breaks out.
Diesel gets hit with a 619 by Rey Mysterio. And in true Kevin Nash fashion, he no-sells it.
AWESOME!!! But it’s not The Miz in the Royal Rumble, it’s Alex Riley!
Diesel gets eliminated by Wade Barrett.
The Big Show walks slowly toward the ring, stopping to eyeball Diesel as Matt Striker makes references to Boston Bruins defensemen Zdeno Chara being the tallest player in the NHL and shorter than The Big Show.
Show sends Ziggler packing.
Barrett gets some assistance in the form of Ezekiel Jackson, as Drew McIntyre gets dumped by the Big Show.
Speaking of Big Show, that’s who Zeke eliminates.
IT’S-A HE! SANTINO! Beware the Cobra! He catches a Brogue Kick from Sheamus and rolls under the bottom rope to the floor.
Alberto Del Rio enters the Rumble in a 2008 Bentley, and gets a ring announcement from Ricardo Rodriguez.
Matt Striker mentions that Alex Riley has been eliminated, but I’m not so sure about that. Randy Orton’s music hits and he attacks Del Rio, who hadn’t made it to the ring yet. He nails several RKOs before eliminating Kingston and Sheamus.
The two men standing at the moment: John Cena, and Randy Orton. They gaze at the WrestleMania sign, but before they can go at it, Kane, making his 13th straight Rumble appearance, enters at number 40!
Hmm. No Triple H?
Ezekiel Jackson eliminated by Kane.
Kane by Mysterio, followed by Mysterio by Barrett.
Apparently Santino and Riley are gone, despite neither one of them, from my vantage point, being thrown over the top rope to the floor. The final four – Barrett, Orton, Cena, and Del Rio.
Orton and Cena start going at it with Barrett and Del Rio down. Cena goes for an AA, but Barrett stops him.
Cena hits the AA on Del Rio, but A-Ry distracts Cena, as Miz dumps Cena over the top rope! Barrett, Del Rio, and Orton are left!
Orton eliminates Barrett – and Del Rio sneaks up behind and eliminates Orton!
The referee tells Del Rio that he hasn’t won. Santino was never eliminated. He nails the Cobra! Throw him out, Santino!
Santino tries, but Del Rio turns the tide and tosses Santino. Alberto Del Rio is going to WrestleMania!
Can Edge even the odds before his title defense against Dolph Ziggler on Sunday? Why was Michael Tarver skulking around backstage (and again on RAW)? And, most importantly, who was responsible for the attack on Teddy Long?
Vickie kicks off the show tonight, informing us that Teddy Long will not be here. Therefore, she is the acting General Manager. There’s a motive right there for attacking Teddy Long – with him out of the picture, Vickie has complete authority and the ability to potentially screw Edge over at the Rumble and cost him his title. Vickie is soon interrupted by Randy Orton who, we are told, is on the blue brand to participate in a tag match in tonight’s main event. Randy makes some promises about his tag match against Vickie’s boyfriend, and also vows to take back his WWE championship from The Miz this Sunday. Then he insults Vickie’s hair. Okay… ‘creepy, intimidating Orton’ is always great; ‘personal insults Orton’? Not so much. Dolph comes out to the rescue. He demands Randy shows Vickie and himself respect. Seriously, Ziggler has come on leaps and bounds on the mic. Dude has ‘it’. Not that ‘it’ helps him in this scenario, because he’s soon eating canvas as Orton strikes with an RKO.
LayCool vs. Kelly Kelly/Kaitlyn: It’s incredibly lame, but I love it when Striker sings along to LayCool’s entrance music. The No. 1 contenders for the Divas title are taken out on the ramp by Kelly and Kaitlyn – wait, Kaitlyn has a match?! I swear I can hear some members of the crowd booing this sneak attack on LayCool. This match lasts about a minute – that’s not me being hyperbolic; it seriously lasts around 60 seconds. Layla distracts Kaitlyn, and Michelle McCool takes advantage with a big boot. And people say the Divas don’t get enough screen time! Your winners: LayCool
Drew McIntyre vs. JTG: Kelly Kelly has remained at ringside for this bout; Michael Cole rightly calls her a hypocrite for attacking LayCool earlier on, despite going flippin’ mental (my words, not Cole’s) at Drew for essentially the same thing last week with Trent Baretta. Right on, Cole! This match goes on a little longer than it should, I reckon. As is typical of Drew’s matches lately, JTG is resilient and even manages a few offensive flurries (I need to stop saying that phrase; seem to use it every week) but, in the end, McIntyre prevails. I like this finish – JTG goes for a backslide, which Drew rolls through and delivers a devastating Futureshock DDT. These matches against lesser opponents have been noticeably longer than they would have been, say, 6 months ago. Is this deliberate on WWE’s part to give the impression that Drew is working hard, in order to give the fans a reason to respect or get behind him? He’s as vicious as ever, but he seems to appreciate getting pinfalls lately. This is gonna be a slow-burning face turn, for sure. Credit to Kelly Kelly – she’s performing her role in this storyline very well. I totally didn’t mean that to sound so patronising… Your winner: Drew McIntyre
Todd ‘Don’t Look Him In The Eyes’ Grisham is backstage with Dashing Cody Rhodes, who has his back to the camera. Last week, Rey’s 619 – complete with an exposed knee brace – broke Cody’s nose. Cody keeps his back to the camera as he delivers his promo; a whining affair about deviated septums and extensive reconstruction surgeries. Basically, it’s great. Rhodes sounds on the verge of tears as he informs Todd that doctors have told him he is not to compete in the Royal Rumble match. Jeez, Rey. What a jerk. This is the best promo I’ve ever seen from Cody. Good job, Not-So-Dashing One!
We cut to Jack Korpela (Jack Korpela?! We want Scott Stanford, damn it!) who is with Edge. Edge talks about his tag match tonight, where he will reunite with his former Rated RKO partner. After he’s said his piece, we see Alberto Del Rio walking backstage. He bumps into Michael Tarver and introduces himself. Tarver smiles and walks away. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH TARVER?! I’m dying to know, but I want them to drag this out for as long as possible. Providing the outcome is exciting, of course.
Alberto Del Rio’s Royal Rumble Exhibition: Del Rio announces that backstage there are 39 fighters from around the globe who are ready to fight him. He’ll start with one, and another will enter every 30 seconds. First up is Seth Allen. WOO! SETH ALLEN! Seth Allen has a sweet beard. Unfortunately, his in-ring prowess isn’t quite as sweet – he lasts about 25 seconds before Del Rio throws him over the ropes. Next up is Mike Stevens, whose beard is even sweeter than Seth Allen’s. These guys look like default create-a-wrestlers in the SmackDown! vs. RAW games, it’s amazing. The clock ticks down for the 3rd competitor… and flames erupt. Uh-oh. Here comes Kane. Damn it, I was genuinely looking forward to 37 more jobbers with generic names! What about Zac Stone? Rick Daniels? Chuck Awesomesauce? (Actually, Chuck Awesomesauce is a real wrestler. I kid you not. He is my hero, purely for having that name.) Kane grabs Del Rio by the throat and goes to push him over the ropes, but for some bizarre reason, Kofi Kingston appears. He grabs Kane’s legs and pushes both men over the ropes. Umm. Okay. Del Rio and Kane slowly get back in the ring to seek revenge. I was hoping the 39 jobbers would run to the rescue (they could start a new megafaction) but, unfortunately, Rey Mysterio appears instead. The goodies stare down the baddies, and Vickie Guerrero comes out to announce they will compete in a tag match… right now!
Alberto Del Rio/Kane vs. Kofi Kingston/Rey Mysterio: Most of this match is standard, nondescript fare, so let’s skip to the end. Alberto’s mad at Kane, because Kane wasn’t there to be tagged in. Uhh, he was kinda busy lying on the floor after Kofi knocked him off, jerk. Kane doesn’t like being pushed around, so he hits Del Rio with a big boot and takes off. Mysterio hits a 619 (watch you don’t break his nose, Rey! Yeah, I said it! Jerk.) and Kofi follows it up with a Trouble In Paradise. Striker reiterates what he said earlier about his belief that a ‘new face’ will win the Royal Rumble this Sunday. Nice sentiment, but it’s never gonna be Kofi Kingston. Your winners: Kofi Kingston/Rey Mysterio
Big Show vs. Heath Slater: Big Show’s in the ring to talk about the emergence of Corre and their attack on the giant 2 weeks ago. Needless to say, he’s pretty angry. The Corre soon appear, replete with terrible t-shirts. Heath Slater slides into the ring, and I guess this is a match-up! Every time Big Show runs the ropes, I wince, expecting them to snap and send him tumbling to the floor. Show soon plants Slater with a Chokeslam, and it’s all over. The other Corre members enter the ring. Show swats Barrett and Gabriel away, but Jackson takes him down with a clothesline. A bunch of good guys run from the back to chase off The Corre. Your winner: Big Show
The Miz/Dolph Ziggler vs. Edge/Randy Orton: Midway through this match, Ziggler hits Edge with an X-Factor facebuster. Is Ziggler working his way through DX members’ finishers? Actually, I joke, but I’m pretty sure he’s used a superkick a few times in the past! This match reaches fever pitch as Dolph fails to connect with the Zigzag. Edge hits the Spear, and it’s all over. Or not, because Vickie Guerrero grabs a microphone and starts shrieking. She announces that, until further notice, the Spear is illegal. Wow, this is very reminiscent of Vickie protecting Edge by banning Undertaker’s gogoplata submission hold, eh? How time flies. Vickie announces that if Edge hits Dolph Ziggler with a Spear at the Royal Rumble, not only will he be DQ’d… he will lose his World Championship! Edge snaps, and hits Ziggler with a trifecta of, yes, Spears. Better get it out of your system tonight, buddy.
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I started out this report focusing on the Teddy Long mystery, but not a lot was said about all that… Oh well. Seeing as we’re oh so very close to the Rumble, here’s my take on what will (but probably won’t) happen.
Rich Flynn’s Royal Rumble Predictions (Which Probably Won’t Happen)!:
Beth Phoenix made history last year by being only the second female entrant in Rumble history – and the first to eliminate a Superstar. There’s a good chance she could appear again.
And what about Awesome Kong? I have a strong feeling she will make an appearance – either during the Diva’s title match or the Rumble itself. It’s a long shot, but what better a way to debut a monster Diva?
Drew McIntyre will have an impressive Rumble. He’ll make a very deep run, and I’m putting him in the final four.
I fully expect Triple H to return during the Rumble. Admittedly, I haven’t heard what his recent plans are regarding his in-ring career, but giving Sheamus the King of the Ring is too perfect a set-up for a ‘Mania match between the two. Sheamus will dominate early on, but Triple H will appear and throw himself at Sheamus. Both men will be eliminated, but all Triple H will care about is destroying Sheamus on the outside.
When a friend pushed me for a Rumble winner prediction, I could only make one cautious choice – John Morrison, but with the caveat that his ‘Mania match would be at least a Triple Threat affair so the WWE don’t have to rely on his star power to sell the match. My friend, however, picked CM Punk, and it is a very good choice. I could see the following happen: Punk wins the Rumble. Miz retains against Orton. At the Elimination Chamber, Morrison eliminates Miz early on, resulting in a guaranteed new champion. John Cena wins the belt, which sets up a WWE championship match against Punk at WrestleMania. This also establishes a nice little grudge match between Morrison and Miz, either midcard or between the two big title bouts. One of the headline matches is going to have to be a biggy and, with SmackDown!’s lack of headline Superstars, I think we’ll be seeing it on RAW’s side. So, long story short, I’m going with CM Punk (but secretly I’m rooting for a big surprise such as Morrison).
Either way, this year’s winner needs to be a ‘new face,’ as Striker said. With their youth movement and the dire need to create new stars, the WWE needs to use the Rumble as a tool for pushing someone who has never before won. The increase to 40 men has given the Royal Rumble a shot in the arm, so hopefully this excitement will result in an equally thrilling result – not another victory for Randy Orton, John Cena or the like.
And, most importantly of all, the Soaring Eagle will be an entrant. Mark my words, kids.
