Alright, here’s hoping I can review this show with no issues. Tonight it’s CM Punk defending the World Heavyweight Championship against Jeff Hardy, and Randy Orton defending the WWE Championship against Triple H in a Three Stages of Hell match.
Alright, here’s hoping I can review this show with no issues. Tonight it’s CM Punk defending the World Heavyweight Championship against Jeff Hardy, and Randy Orton defending the WWE Championship against Triple H in a Three Stages of Hell match.
Wow, what a week. and what a way to end it: (more…)
What a week. And we’ve still got The Bash coming up tomorrow!
Even as I type this column, I’m distracted by the television, where there’s a clip of Michael Jackson’s performance on the Motown 25th Anniversary special, a special that is famous for one thing – Jackson debuting The Moonwalk. I’d talk more about Michael Jackson right now (for the record, this isn’t his first BWF allusion – I quoted the “BAD” video a couple weeks back in a SmackDown review), but I did that already on my official website.
B. Brian Blair was arrested on allegations of child abuse last weekend. Maybe he liked the alleged run-ins with the Iron Shiek back in the day and wanted to relive those moments in prison?
Samoa Joe turned heel at Slammiversary to the surprise of, well, pretty much everybody. Except for me. Earlier in the night, Kurt Angle cut a promo saying that King of the Mountain would be all about he and Joe, and that when it was over, “WE will be standing tall.” That’s when I got the feeling that Joe would turn, which proved correct. For the record, if you didn’t catch Slammiversary, you should. It was an excellent show.
Not only was RAW commercial free on Monday, WWE refunded the tickets of those who attended the event. Why doesn’t that ever happen in Buffalo?
Speaking of RAW, despite the fact that Cena brought up his match with Rob Van Dam at ECW One Night Stand a few years ago where the fans continually threw his shirt back to him when he threw it into the crowd, a fan was ejected from RAW for throwing Cena’s hat back to him. To be fair, it was an ugly hat. When did John Cena become John Deere anyway?
Cena also confirmed that he’s getting married “in the near future” on the Bubba The Love Sponge radio show.
Speaking of Bubba The Love Sponge, Hulk Hogan was on the show and mentioned that the reason we never saw a big time feud between himself and Jake “The Snake” Roberts is that Hogan didn’t hear the fans react to his Hulking up and pummelling Jake. Here’s a homework assignment for the BWF readers – go to your local rehab clinic, and if you find Jake Roberts, ask him his side of the story.
I’m kidding, Jake!
Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes are no longer to be called Pricele$$. They’re now only to be refered to as Legacy. I guess that’s alright. Tully Blanchard and Arn Anderson weren’t The Brain Busters when they were in the Four Horsemen either.
And before you point it out in the comments, Green Teabagger, I know that they were only the Brain Busters in the WWF.
Torrie Wilson finished second on “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.” I have no idea who finished first. (It was Lou Diamond Phillips, apparently)
Michael Cole was arrested this past week. No, not that Michael Cole. A guy whose real name happens to be Michael Cole who wrestles under the name Mikael Judas was arrested for assaulting National Championship Wrestling promoter Donovan Loftis after Loftis allegedly made derogatory comments towards him on an internet message board.
Matt Hardy may have injured his abdominal muscles. He denied the reports on his twitter page, but we all know Matt Hardy has nothing better to do with his time than trying to work the internet fans. Ok, listen Matt. Complaining about losing your job when Amy Dumas and Adam Copeland were in the wrong and not yourself is one thing, and yeah, your internet fans probably got you your job back, but give this “working the internet” shit a rest. If you’re hurt, dude, we’re not gonna be mad at you for telling us the damned truth for once.
Apparently, CM Punk going to a Rancid concert is newsworthy, with the headline “CM Punk Attends Punk Concert.” OMG, you mean, CM Punk likes punk rock? Next thing you know, you’ll be telling me that The Headbangers like heavy metal, or that Disco Stu likes disco music!
Lastly, on a sad note, Billy Red Lyons, who I remember seeing on the WWF’s Maple Leaf Wrestling program when I was little, passed away this week. BWF’s condolences to his friends and family.
and now… GREAT AMERICAN BASH PREDICTIONS!
Carlito & Primo vs. Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase – Unified Tag Team Championship
Cody’s rumored to be working with a bad neck, but if it were a serious injury he’d probably already be out for surgery. Since Primo and Carlito have their little mini feud going with The Hart Dynasty, and there’s a definitive lack of face tag teams for Legacy to defend against, The Colons should retain here.
John Cena vs. The Miz
Are you kidding? After the way Cena verbally buried The Miz on RAW (“you’re not a reality show has-been, you’re a WWE never was.”), The Miz needs this win. Needs it. The problem, of course, is the WWE likes to humiliate The Miz on occasion. Since they’ve actually been pushing for us to take him seriously, I’m going to go way out on a limb here and actually predict victory – by hook or by crook – for The Miz.
The Great Khali vs. Dolph Ziggler – No Disqualification Match
Khali. Ziggler’s way out has been to get Khali counted out or disqualified, but all the chairs in the world won’t help Ziggler beat Khali in a no disqualification match.
Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio – Intercontinental Championship vs. Mask match
I’m a global entertainment company. I have a guy performing for me who is beloved by my younger audience members. This guy happens to wear a mask, which we sell replicas of at $50 a pop. The audience is always filled with kids wearing these masks. Am I really going to make the guy lose his mask? What am I, WCW? Look, Vince McMahon did not become a billionaire by dropping hot selling products while they’re still selling. That’s why John Cena is still a face, and it’s why Rey Mysterio will not be losing his mask this Sunday. Mysterio will be carrying gold next Friday night.
Melina vs. Michelle McCool – WWE Women’s Championship
McCool made Melina look like her bitch this past Friday on SmackDown. Melina won’t take that lying down. I just can’t see Melina dropping the belt on Sunday.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Finlay vs. Christian vs. Jack Swagger vs. Mark Henry – ECW Championship Scramble
I like the Scramble match. Last year’s PPV where they had three of them was awesome – especially because we got to see The Brian Kendrick as the WWE Champion for a few moments. This one should be good, and it’s sort of unpredictable, seeing as how three of the four challengers are former ECW Champions. Finlay has been beating everybody down lately, but Henry had the last laugh this past Tuesday night. The problem with Finlay and Mark Henry is, they don’t feel like they’ve been groomed for a run with the ECW Championship. I’m going t o give this one to Dreamer.
Randy Orton vs. Triple H – Three Stages of Hell for the WWE Championship
First fall is a regular match, second fall is falls count anywhere, and the third fall, for some ungodly reason, is a stretcher match. I have this sinking feeling in my gut that it’s Triple H getting the win here.
CM Punk vs. Jeff Hardy – World Heavyweight Championship
CM Punk needs the World Heavyweight Championship right now. If he doesn’t have it, the slow heel turn doesn’t work as effectively. He somehow steals the victory at The Bash.
That’s it guys, enjoy The Bash. I’ll have coverage up at some point on Monday, depending on how long it takes to get my car repaired.
I’ll admit it. I’m not giving the blue brand the treatment it rightly deserves. But cut me some slack – I went to a concert last Friday, and yesterday I sat around watching Michael Jackson videos all day while waiting for a package to arrive via UPS and was exhausted by time SmackDown rolled around. Since I’m probably not going to have a chance later on today to watch it on my DVR, I’m gonna watch it on YouTube and review it here for you. Plus it’ll help my last few hours of work go by quicker.
It’s line-crossing time!
Your Empress of “Impact” has abbreviated the review format for this week, as the job hunt continues to take precedence over everything else. For a lovely real-time of this week’s show, check here:
Match #1: Brutus Magnus of the British Invasion vs. Brother Ray: This was a “New York Street Fight.” It went to “no contest.” Massive run-ins from both sides, chairs used, and it’s all supposed to be legal, and we get a “no contest.” WTF??? Additionally, there was no build to this at all. Big gimmick matches have been rendered pointless through overuse and lack of hype. If Team 3D was mad at the British Invasion after the doings at “Slammiversary,” have Team 3D cut a promo, go after the British Invasion, and announce a street fight for the following week. Better still, save it for the ppv. But we’re getting to that.
To the ring! It’s Kurt Angle and the Main Event Mafia. Except for Sting. Angle welcomes Joe, calls everyone who didn’t see it coming as “morons,” and makes fun of everyone for getting played by the MEM and Joe. Foley comes out and demands his rematch against Angle. Angle is yelling, screaming, and ranting again. Oh, yay. Angle says that his contract gives him the right to choose who he wrestles. Oh, yay. If Foley wants something from the MEM, he has to give something back. They’ll go to the back and discuss it.
Match #2: Kevin Nash defeats Abyss: Not really. Dr. Stevie came in and used a taser gun on Abyss, allowing Nash to get the win. No Raven. I guess he and Douglas are both through. A real shame, as the Psycho Circus faction is awesome. Nash is terrible. The guy who can barely move and doesn’t sell for crap gets the win over a guy who actually used to be booked as a monster. Looks like happy days are here again. If you’re a former WWE main eventer.
To the ring! Beer Money, your new TNA World Tag Team Champions, hit the ring. They’ll give Team 3D a rematch any time. Scott Steiner and Booker T come out, and inform Beer Money that the MEM runs the show. Again. In return for Foley getting a rematch against Angle at “Victory Road,” the rest of the MEM gets title shots too. Kevin Nash gets a “Legends” title shot against AJ Styles. Steiner and Booker get a tag team title match against Beer Money. Oh, christ on a cracker, that’s just wonderful! James Storm, Promo God, understands what the Steiner Brothers and Harlem Heat have done, but right here and right now in TNA, they’re just another Neal and Bob. They can kneel down and bob on his beer bottle! Yes! Booker tells them that they have singles matches tonight, so they had better get ready for them. Team 3D comes out, and asks if anyone can understand anything that Booker and Steiner are saying. Great Steiner impression by Ray. Team 3D promises to make Foley an offer he can’t refuse in regard to the tag team title match, though Booker and Steiner claim that the match is carved in stone. Are they seriously going to put all the gold on the MEM at “Victory Road?” I really will commit crimes of such violent magnitude that a new mental illness syndrome will be named after me.
Match #3: Taylor Wilde defeats Daffney: This was a “Match of 10,000 Tacks.” Why? Why, why, WHY does TNA feel compelled to waste this in this manner? Daffney and Taylor have a “Monster’s Ball” match at the last ppv, which Daffney lost. They have a mixed tag team “Monster’s Ball” match Sunday night at “Slammiversary,” which Daffney lost. For absolutely no good reason, with zero hype or build, they have a “Match of 10,000 Tacks” that Daffney loses! Aside from completely desensitizing fans to this sort of match and rendering it completely ineffective, what possible good reason is there for the heel crazy chick to lose all these matches? Shouldn’t Taylor Wilde be getting her pretty little backside handed to her?
To the back! Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne sit on their thrones and talk about Tara. Her name is apparently short for “Tarantula,” and they won’t let someone from another organization come in and take the Knockouts title. A real tarantula turns up on Madison Rayne’s shoulder, and shrieking ensues.
To the back! In Mick Foley’s office, Team 3D confront Foley over the tag team title match arrangement. Foley offers them a “Number One Contender” match against Steiner and Booker, with the winners facing Beer Money for the titles at the ppv. Team 3D doesn’t want to until Foley gets on his knees and begs them to take the match. Taken aback, they agree to the match.
Match #4: Scott Steiner defeats Robert Roode: Uh, sure. MEM wins again. Just like old times.
To the back! JB interviews Angle. Angle answers to no one, not even Sting.
To the back! JB chats with Foley, who is all about making up with Jarrett if Jarrett apologizes next week when he shows up. Angle can meet with Foley next week if he is angry about Foley’s “tweaking” of their title match deal.
To the back! Lauren asks Eric Young what’s up. Young refuses to be the court jester, and has learned that there are no friends in this business. Rhino steps up and confronts Young, who headbutts him and leaves. Jesse Neal checks on Rhino, who gets mad at him and shoves him away.
To the back! Lauren asks Booker T about his match, and he insults Team 3D. Sharmell runs up with paperwork in hand, giving her a match against Jenna Morasca at the ppv, because there’s only room for one female in the MEM. Great. A nonwrestling personality and skanky reality tv show winner from 2003 get a ppv wrestling match. The non-WWE part of the roster can’t be happy with this, nor should they be.
Match #5: Booker T defeats James Storm: Uh, sure. MEM wins again. Just like old times. Booker has Sharmell get Storm’s beer bottle, and smashes Storm in the head with it.
To the ring! AJ Styles calls out Samoa Joe and yells at him. He wants to know who is in Joe’s head. Joe says that AJ can ask him himself at “Victory Road.” AJ attacks Joe. Matt Morgan makes the save for Joe and attacks AJ. Daniels makes the save for AJ. The entirety of the Main Event Mafia comes out and takes out all the non-MEM people. Sting comes out with his bat. Sting berates the MEM, and tells Nash that he expected better from him. Nash explains that Sting’s plan of “honor and dignity” for the MEM didn’t work, and Angle’s plan did. They couldn’t beat Joe, so they bought him, and had to have Jenna Morasca’s money to do it. Sting brings up Nash’s son. Sting hands Nash his bat and tells him to hit him, and turns his back. Nash goes for it, but Sting has a second bat and hits Nash first. Sting starts laying out the MEM, but Joe gets one of the bats and beats down Sting. The whole MEM stomps on Sting as the show ends.
FINAL THOUGHTS: If I sound overly negative and hostile toward this week’s show, it’s because I am. Unlike some people, if I didn’t really care about the product, I wouldn’t get upset when things like this show happen. “Slammiversary” was quite well-done, and following it up shouldn’t have been difficult. Did Jarrett and Foley lose their executive power when they failed to win the World Heavyweight title? Why does the MEM run the show and make their own matches? I get the Foley compromise bit, and actually like that part, but we seem to have come back to the “MEM dominates the show and win all their matches, and anything not part of the MEM doesn’t matter” routine. Had there actually been any semblence of a Frontline/Originals group, this might have been ok, with power shifting back and forth, but it all got dropped. Sting is out of the MEM, and certainly is not the Godfather anymore, despite winning a match with that stipulation. Angle is the Godfather again simply because he says that he is. Apparently, match stipulations can be disregarded at will, with no consequences of any kind. As if all that wasn’t bad enough, Chris Sabin wasn’t even on the show. Not even in a short backstage segment. That’s just cruel, TNA! I don’t ask you for much.
Join us next week for more detailed “Impact” Impressions, and hopefully, news of gainful and legal employment!
Peace out,
Drowgoddess
Hey everybody! Today as I write this, I will also be remembering the King of Pop. Although many will remember the scandals and accusations, I will choose to remember his musical greatness. Alrighty…let’s get this thing crackin’! Who’s Bad?!
Match 1: The All-American American Jack Swagger against Evan Bourne
This match was awesome! It was a Thriller…and a match of the year candidate IMO. The ending saw Evan Bourne going for the Shooting Star Press, Swagger moved, Bourne landed on his feet, Swagger hit the Gutwrench Powerbomb for the win.
Match 2: Dolph Ziggler vs Jimmy Wang Yang
This match was between two guys’ careers who have gone in opposite directions…shall I say they are as different as Black and White?! Dolph Ziggler gets the win, obviously.
Triple Threat match for the United States Championship: Kofi Kingston vs MVP vs Matt Hardy
Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough. Matt Hardy sure didn’t stop during this match. Hardy gutted out this match with an injury that requires surgery. This was a good match. Kofi gets the pin on Hardy with his Trouble in Paradise and tells him to Beat It.
RIP Michael. Your songs will live forever with us. From Dangerous to You Are Not Alone, and the Jackson 5 days to the present, you have entertained us emensely. You are truly the King of Pop and your legendary performances will be missed. Long live the King!
Apparently, as this goes to print, I have been bought out. A deal has been made between Joe and ‘the Donald’, which means that this week’s column is bought to you by ‘the Donald’.
WWE
The Bash is this weekend, so I suppose, i’d better preview it for the public.
Jimmy Valiant vs Paul Jones in a Dog Collar match
Expect the ‘Handsome’ one to win this one.
Billy Graham, Konga the Barbarian and Abdullah the Butcher w/Paul Jones vs Manny Fernandez, Sam Houston and Buzz Tyler
Even though their manager competed in the first match, I see Graham’s team winning. The size and craziness of the Butcher will be too much for the other team to handle.
Ron Bass w/James J. Dillon vs Buddy Landell
I see the future Horsemen manager playing a part in this one. Ron Bass takes it out for me.
Minnesota Wrecking Crew (c) (Ole and Arn Anderson) vs Buzz Sawyer and Dick Slater – NWA National Tag Team Championship
I see the Andersons scraping this one out and retaining the gold.
NWA World Tag Team Champions: Krusher Khruschev and Ivan Koloff vs the AWA World Tag Team Champions: the Road Warriors w/Paul Ellering
I see the AWA Champs taking this one out in what will sure to be nothing short of a fight between these four guys.
Magnum T.A. (c) vs Kamala w/Skandor Akbar for the NWA United States Championship
Somehow, in some way, I can see Magnum retaining the gold. Possibly by a countout or a disqualification, but he will retain.
Ric Flair (c) vs Nikita Koloff w/Ivan Koloff with David Crockett as Referee for the NWA World Heavyweight Championship
Flair always seems to rise in the big occasions, and even with the help of Ivan, I can’t see Nikita winning. The dirtiest player in the game gtes the win.
Tully Blanchard (c) w/Baby Doll vs Dusty Rhodes for the NWA World Television Chanpionship in a Steel Cage
Blanchard has nowhere to run and nowhere to hide from the American Dream. One final Bionic Elbow and Dusty becomes champ.
TNA
They had a PPV. Slammiversary Seven. It was a momentus occasion, considering seven seems to be the celebratory number in TNA. Anyways, let’s review the results shall we?
Pre Show: the British Invasion def. Eric Young and Rhino
Who cared?
Suicide (c) def. ‘Paparazzi’ Alex Shelley, Randy Savage, Afro Thunder and Chris Sabin in a King of the Mountain match for the X Division Championship
Nice to see Kaz is still in the mask (Note: Suicide isn’t kaz, it’s this guy.
Daniels def. Shane Douglas for Daniels’ TNA roster spot
Money on it, that Douglas is on this week’s iMPACT.
Angelina Love (c) w/Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne def. Tara for the Knockouts Championship
“…All the things she said, running through my head…”
Abyss and Taylor Wilde def. Daffney and Raven w/Dr. Stevie in a Monster’s Ball Mixed tag match
Didn’t they have one of these like last month?
Rhino def. Team Canada (Bobby Roode and Coach D’Amore) in a Handicap match
This match happened at the 2006 edition of Slammiversary, thus not relevant to this particular PPV
Sting def. Matt Morgan for a spot in the Main Event Mafia
As if Morgan was going to win
Beer Money def. Team 3D (c) to win the TNA Tag Team Championship
Justice has been served, one half of AMW and one fifth? one sixth? of Team Canada reclaim the gold. Best Tag team in wrestling. BEER! MONEY!
Bob Backlund def. Alex Shelley
This is from 2007, who’s handing me these notes?
Kurt Angle def. Mick Foley (c), Jeff Jarrett, Gonorrhea, Taka Michinoku, Funaki, Christian Cage, Alzheimer’s Disease, Samoa Joe, Chris Harris, Scott Steiner, Doink the Clown, the Rock, Lance Hoyt, Lo-Ki, heel CM Punk, Taka Michinoku, Funaki, Vitali Klitschko, Vlade Divac, Chris Webber, Anfernee Hardway, Toby Keith, Christy Hemme, ABBA, Stephen Root, George Constanza, Trey Parker, Taka Michinoku, Funaki, Syphillis, John C. Reilly, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, Bill Guerin, Alzheimer’s Disease, the Triumvirate of TN-Awesomeness, Nash Bridges, Cheech Marin, Tecmo Superbowl, Wario, Sidney Crosby, ThinkSoJoe’s ex-wife, Mick Foley’s book ‘the Hardcore Diaries’, a Bookshelf, AJ Styles, Air Paris, the 1973 Chicago Bears, Terry Bradshaw’s hairpiece, Cactus Jack, Dude Love, Chainsaw Charlie and Alzhe … I forget in a King of the Mountain match for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship
Need I say more … ?
That’s all for this week!
Break out the Harry Slash and the Slashtones, because this ECW on SciFi review… is… EXTREME!
Ok, maybe not, but it is in real-time, so don’t forget to refresh the page every so often if you’re visiting between 10PM and 11PM Eastern on June 23, 2009!
ECW theme plays: Look, new ECW. I just brought up the original ECW, how can I not question your heart?
Five nights away from The Bash, where Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, Christian, Finlay, and ECW Champion Tommy Dreamer will attempt to walk out as champion in a Scramble match!
But tonight, Evan Bourne is here with taped up ribs due to injuries suffered at the hands of The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry. Bourne’s opponent is The Hart Dynasty’s Tyson Kidd.
Evan Bourne def. Tyson Kidd
Matt Striker assumes that if he presses Triangle and L1, Kidd or Bourne will do something exciting, since they’re almost like video game characters with their high flying offense. David Hart Smith and Natalya hopped up on the apron at the same time, earning themselves an ejection from the referee. Bourne knocks Kidd out of the ring and hits a high-flying maneuver to the outside, earning himself a classic “ECW” chant! Back in the ring, however, Kidd goes after the injured ribs of Bourne. Kidd stretches Bourne as only a Hart Dungeon graduate can do, but Bourne reverses a back suplex attempt into a pin attempt for one. Kidd doesn’t let this minor setback impede his progress, he goes right back after Bourne’s ribs, driving his knee into them and then draping Bourne across the top rope. Bourne starts to battle back amid “Let’s Go Evan” chants. Bourne uses a unique rollup to score a two count and starts to build momentum. Bourne hits a hurricanrana and a Tito Santana-esque flying forearm before taking Kidd down with a high knee. He climbs the ropes and launches a picture perfect Shooting Star Press for the victory! Excellent match to kick off ECW!
A lot of people are saying Finlay took cheap shots on Tommy Dreamer and Christian last week – but they don’t mention the shot on Jack Swagger. The show a video of the cheap shots in question – including the cheap shot on Swagger that I mentioned.
Speaking of Finlay, he’s on his way to the ring.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
For some ungodly reason, Finlay still has Hornswoggle’s music. I know this because he’s on his way to the ring as I type this. And apparently, he’s got something to say. People want to know what his problem is and why he did what he did to Christian and Dreamer. He tried to break up a fight between the two of them a few weeks back, and nobody called him to apologize – they texted him. What he did last week wasn’t a cheap shot, it was an eye for an eye, and this Sunday at The Bash…
Oh radio, tell me everything you know…
Zack Ryder tells Finlay to listen up, because Finlay’s overlooking the fact that he’s got a match with the man of ECW, Zack Ryder. Woo Woo Woo, you know it. Whatever that means.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Finlay def. Zack Ryder
The match is underway when we come back, and Finlay is in control. As Matt Striker says, Finlay is looking to make Ryder’s Woo Woo Woo turn backwards into Ow Ow Ow. Finlay attempts to wear down Ryder with submission holds and fierce strikes. Ryder starts to battle back after he and Finlay inadvertantly cracked heads, which seemed to hurt Finlay’s injured eye. Ryder starts to work over the Irishman with submission holds of his own. Mr. Woo Woo Woo goes after the injured eye, wearing Finlay down. Finlay starts to fight back with a barrage of strikes. He hits the Finlay Roll but only gets a two count. Ryder goes after the eye again, and exposes the steel turnbuckle as the referee checks on Finlay, but Finlay manages to catch Ryder with a surprise roll up for the victory!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
RAW REBOUND: Randy Orton and Triple H both failed to answer the referee’s ten count, thus allowing Randy Orton to retain the WWE Championship. Donald Trump sold RAW back to Mr. McMahon for twice what he paid for it. Mr. McMahon then told Randy Orton he’s going to wrestle in Three Stages of Hell at The Bash, defending his title once again against Triple H, who assaulted him in the parking lot after the show.
Josh Matthews and Matt Striker run down the card for The Bash.
Striker gets in the ring and has a blackboard illustrating the ECW Championship Scramble match with him. Your teacher teaches us the rules of the match. He then welcomes Gregory Helms, who is standing by backstage with Mark Henry. Henry starts to talk about tonight’s main event, when a large box falls on a production assistant. When Henry turns back around, Helms is gone, and The Hurricane is saving the production assistant! When Henry turns back around again, Helms is there and asks him again how he feels about his match tonight.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Jack Swagger is the first man out for tonight’s main event, followed by his tag team partner for the evening, Mark Henry. The ECW Champion Tommy Dreamer makes his way out first for his team. Christian makes his way out and we’re set for our main event of the evening.
Tommy Dreamer & Christian vs. Mark Henry & Jack Swagger
Christian and Swagger start off with Christian taking early control. He tags in Dreamer who doesn’t fare as well, until Swagger tags in Mark Henry. Dreamer knocks Henry out of the ring and dumps an incoming Swagger out as well. Dreamer hits the rolling senton from the apron on Henry and Christian hits a cross body from the top onto Swagger, and the “ECW” chants start up again as we head to a…
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Swagger is pounding away on Christian as we come back, but Christian starts to battle back. Dreamer gets the tag in, and starts dominating. Christian inadvertently causes distracts the referee, however, allowing Mark Henry to sneak in and attack Dreamer from behind, which gives Swagger the opportunity to take over and tag in the World’s Strongest Man. Swagger and Henry make the ghost of Gorilla Monsoon proud by cutting the ring in half and using frequent tags to keep a fresh man in the ring, but Swagger finds himself caught with a Dreamer spinebuster. Swagger gets to Henry first, but Dreamer gets to Christian soon after. Captain Charisma takes Henry down with a missile dropkick from the top rope and gets a two count. Christian goes for a sunset flip on Henry, but Swagger tags himself in. Henry goes to sit on Christian, who moves, but Swagger, the legal man, goes for a Gutwrench Powerbomb, which Christian escapes before hitting the Killswitch. Swagger was close enough to the ropes for Tony Atlas to pull his foot under the rope. Henry squashes Christian on the outside, allowing Swagger to hit the Gutwrench on a second attempt to pick up the win.
After the match, Henry drops Dreamer with a World’s Strongest Slam, and then gives one to Jack Swagger for good measure.
My Thoughts: THE HURRICANE IS BACK! This show is usually awesome enough, but to actually see The Hurricane on my television made it that much better for me.
ECW is consistently one of the best shows every week. There’s a reason for that – the talent. Twice tonight, ECW chants broke out in the crowd. It may not be the original, as I alluded to earlier in this post, but it’s still an extremely (no pun intended) enjoyable professional wrestling program.
Admittedly, I’m not really looking forward to a commercial free RAW, but at least it’s being presented by my hero, Donald Trump, the “new owner” of RAW. Triple H will challenge Randy Orton in a Last Man Standing match for the WWE Championship tonight as well, and it’s starting as I type this, so let’s go!
JB and Lauren sound completely hoarse and strained vocally.
Lauren interviews Beer Money. Robert Roode talks at length in a sympathetic and reverent manner about Team 3D and their IWGP Tag Team title defense in Japan just before the TNA ppv. Beer Money bursts into hysterical laughter and talk about not caring at all that Team 3D would do something like that, and that they will still win.
Pre-show: Eric Young & Rhino vs. The British Invasion
Brutus Magnus and Doug Williams enter, accompanied by Rob Terry. Eric Young enters, looking disdainful of the whole thing. Rhino enters last, accompanied by two “special managers” who had won some kind of TNA promotion. Rhino was hugely over, and loud “Rhino!” chants kickstarted the match. Rhino extends the hand to make a tag, and EY pulls away. He drops down to the floor and refuses to make the tag. EY walks up the ramp to the back, where he is confronted by Jesse Neal. EY shoves Neal and exits. Neal moves to ringside, while the British Invasion works over Rhino. Magnus and Williams shake hands while double-teaming Rhino. Referee Rudy Charles yells at Neal for his presence, and Neal says that EY left. Charles appears to be ok with Neal filling in as Rhino’s partner. Rhino eventually tags in Neal, who cleans house at first. The British Invasion hits him with their double-team finishing move, and get the pin and victory. Rhino looks incredibly angry about the entire situation.
Lauren interviews Sting. Sting is confident, not overconfident like Matt Morgan. He says “Matt” many times. He’s confident because of his twenty-something years in the business, and his mission is what it always was: to return respect to TNA.
The song used with the opening video package is by the Goldy Locks Band. Yes, as in she who was once a manager in the early days of TNA.
X-Division title match (King of the Mountain)
Suicide vs. Jay Lethal vs. Consequences Creed vs. Alex Shelley vs. Chris Sabin
Is this match first because it could be the match of the night, and having it first might pull some last-minute buys? Lance Storm says that putting your third-biggest match as the opener is the way to go, so that would certainly make sense here. KOTM rules are clearly explained by Mike Tenay. Curtis Granderson of the Detroit Tigers gets his own entrance, and comes out first. Jay Lethal enters first, Alex Shelley second (to a huge reaction), Consequences Creed third, Chris Sabin fourth (to another huge reaction), and lastly, the champion Suicide. “Can’t he just come in the regular way?” Don West, you funny, funny man! Suicide appears on the top of the KOTM penalty cage. All four guys rush Suicide and beat him down. Huge chants of “Motor City!” Suicide takes out all four guys with a ladder to big cheers. Suicide Solution onto the ladder on Lethal for a pin. Suicide is eligible, Lethal goes to the penalty box. Suicide pins Shelley, and Shelley goes to the penalty box. Suicide and Lethal go, Sabin throws a chair at Suicide’s head. Sabin invites Lethal to use the chair, then sits down in it. Lethal hits the Lethal Combination on Suicide onto the chair, causing Sabin to jump up at the last second. Lethal pins Suicide, with Sabin and Creed piled on top of him. Lethal is now eligible, and Suicide goes into the penalty box. Lethal Consequences and the MCMG jump around in a circle, doing the luche libre celebratory arm pump. Creed pins Shelley, making Creed eligible and sending Shelley to the penalty box again. Suicide monkeyflips Sabin onto the ladder. Sabin climbs the ladder to the top of the penalty box and makes a spectacular leap to the floor, taking out Suicide and Lethal Consequences. Shelley tries to climb the ladder without the belt, and is told no. Shelley and Sabin look at each other, and Sabin drops to the mat for Shelley to pin. Sabin fights the pin just a little, and claims that Shelley pulled his tights. Shelley gets the belt and climbs the ladder while Sabin goes to the penalty box. When he gets out, Sabin hits a huge tornado DDT on Lethal. Now all five guys are eligible to win, and Lethal goes to the penalty box. Sabin hits the Cradleshock on Suicide, sets up the ladder, and climbs the ladder, but Suicide stops him. Sabin hits a hesitation dropkick on Suicide after putting him in the tree of woe, but as he climbs the ladder, Lethal comes back in. Shelley hits Lethal with a frog splash. Creed hits Shelley with an enziguri. Sabin hits the ladder set up by Shelley back-first. Lethal drops a elbow on Sabin as he lays on the ladder. Shelley and Suicide hit the floor by the announce table. Creed and Shelley slug it out on the ring apron. Shelley superkicks Creed, then follows up with a Sliced Bread on the ring apron. Suicide goes after Shelley, who attempts a Sliced Bread on Suicide off the side of the penalty box. Huge booing when Suicide goes to put up the title belt. Lethal pushes over the ladder. Suicide ends up on top of the penalty box with the ladder. Suicide and Creed fight on the top of the penalty box with the ladder planted on Lethal’s back. Shelley sets up another ladder and climbs it, but Suicide leaps off the top of the penalty box and knocks Shelley to the floor. Suicide climbs the ladder and hangs the belt, retaining the X-Division title to smattered applause and lots of boos.
Winner and still X-Division Champion: Suicide
Daniels vs. Shane Douglas (Second Chance match)
Douglas opens by yelling to cut his music and insults Detroit for treating a legend from Pittsburgh so poorly. Daniels enters next. Daniels dominates the opening. Douglas works over Daniels’s arm rather viciously, but Daniels hits the Best Moonsault Ever and scores the pin.
Winner and still on the TNA roster: Daniels
JB interviews Mick Foley in the back. JB doesn’t like Foley’s mathematical chances. Foley says that Jarrett won’t be against him after the bash that he threw him, and in terms of business, the two of them need to be on the same side and keep him champion for as long as possible. Foley will prepare for his next title defense at “Bound for Glory.” That’s “Bound for Glory” 2010, eighteen months from now.
Angelina Love vs. Tara (Knockouts title match)
Tara enters sporting a more MMA-style look. Her new shirt says, “Tara is Rising.” Coolness. Angelina Love enters with Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne, who stay at ringside. Don West’s commentary here is gold! A face-to-face standoff starts things. Tara dominates Love at first. Tara kicks Love through the ropes, and while the referee is checking on Love, Sky and Rayne jump Tara and throw her back in the ring. Love gets a two-count, hits a spinning heel kick, and gets a second two-count. Love distracts the referee again while Rayne and Sky throw Tara into the stairs. Tara is thrown back into the ring, but kicks out at two and a half. Tara’s punches look really stiff. Tara plants Love with a sidewalk slam, but doesn’t go for the cover. She goes to the floor and punches Sky in the face four times. Rayne runs up and gets several blows to the face for her trouble. Tara returns to the ring, only to get sprayed in the eyes with perfume or hair spray. Love pins her for the three-count.
Winner and still Knockouts Champion: Angelina Love
Lauren interviews Dr. Stevie, Raven, and Daffney backstage. Raven cuts a brilliant promo on Lauren and then on Abyss. Trust me, you have to see and hear it for yourself. The group hug with psychotic laughter that ends in what sounds like near-tears is the greatest ending ever.
Abyss & Taylor Wilde vs. Raven & Daffney (mixed tag team “Monster’s Ball” match)
Dr. Stevie, Raven, and Daffney enter first. Don West’s commentary here has to be heard to be believed. He talks about the faction reminding him of his own family and his crazy Uncle Clarence. Taylor and Abyss throw Raven and Daffney into each other. Abyss tosses Taylor over his head and she smashes into Raven and Daffney in the corner. Abyss charges into the corner, but Raven dodges and Abyss squashes Daffney. Taylor goes after Daffney and Abyss hits Raven with a trashcan. Abyss lifts Daffney up in a press slam and launches her over the ropes into Dr. Stevie and Raven. Taylor follows with a flying body press onto the group. Abyss and Raven brawl into the crowd. Daffney jumps on Abyss’s back, but Taylor slams a pair of trash can lids into the sides of Daffney’s head. Taylor and Daffney go at it on the floor, and Raven and Abyss continue brawling into the crowd. Taylor climbs up on top of some speakers and sound equipment and leaps off to splash Daffney through a table. Raven gets a kendo stick and hits Abyss with it. Abyss gets busted open after he pulls out a bag of thumbtacks. Taylor hits Raven with a trashcan lid while he chokes Abyss on the ropes. Daffney takes out Taylor in return. Abyss hits Raven with the kendo stick. Dr. Stevie distracts the referee, but gets knocked down from ringside. Abyss launches Taylor onto Raven, but Dr. Stevie grabs the referee’s leg and stops the count. Abyss pours a bag of tacks out onto the mat. Daffney sneaks up behind Abyss and hits him. Daffney gets caught between Abyss and the tacks, and begs off. Taylor throws Daffney onto the tacks! Taylor goes for the pin, but Dr. Stevie breaks it up. Abyss goes to chokeslam Dr. Stevie onto the tacks, but Raven stops it. Abyss plants Raven with a Black Hole Slam onto the tacks and gets the win.
Winners: Abyss and Taylor Wilde
JB interviews Jeff Jarrett in the locker room. Jarrett has said that he has no desire to be champion again, but he has also said that tonight, he takes his company back. Isn’t that contradictory? Jarrett says no. He doesn’t want the responsibility of being champion because he has enough to do running the company. He will win back the title to stop Mick Foley’s reign of terror and get his company back on track. He will figure out what to do with the World title after he wins it tonight.
Matt Morgan vs. Sting (winner gets spot in the Main Event Mafia)
Morgan overpowers Sting. The reaction for Sting coming out was HUUUGE! Morgan throws Sting into the rail, and they fight on the floor. Morgan throws Sting back into the ring. Sting cuts Morgan off as he tries to get back in the ring. They fight on the floor again, and Sting kicks Morgan in the back of the leg. They get back in the ring, and Sting continues to work over the leg of Morgan. Morgan gets the upper hand and dominates Sting again, slamming himto the mat. Tenay and West talk a great deal about the match between Morgan and Kurt Angle, and the respect that Angle seemed to show Morgan then. Morgan squashes Sting in the corner, hits him with a sidewalk slam, and gets a two-count. Morgan chokes Sting on the ropes, then moves to choke holds on the mat. Sting throws some punches, but they lack power. Sting hits a high-risk jump, but walks into a Carbon Footprint and gets a two-count. Morgan attempts the Hellavator, but Sting gets out of it. Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop on Morgan, but Morgan kicks out at two. Sting applies the Scorpion Death Lock, but Morgan powers out quickly. Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop from the second rope and gets the three-count.
Winner (and still in the Main Event Mafia): Sting
Lauren interviews Samoa Joe and AJ Styles. AJ says that they’re taking the company back and putting it in the hands of the guys who built it. Joe is targeting Angle tonight, and he has already taken out the rest of the Main Event Mafia, one by one. He is hunting, and tonight, he and AJ will become the most powerful force in the history of professional wrestling.
Beer Money vs. Team 3D (Tag Team Championship title match)
Tenay accuses West of spending the previous night in the hotel bar with James Storm doing 12-ounce curls. West says that it was his birthday, and where the hell was Tenay? Awesomeness! Devon and Storm start. Loud chants of “We want tables!” Storm kicks out at two, and Roode tags in. Roode gets a two-count on Devon, and Ray tags in. Ray and Roode exchange punches. Roode goes for two clotheslines that have no effect, ducks one from Ray, and hits a flying forearm on Ray. Ray delivers several stiff open-hand slaps to Roode’s chest. Storm and Devon tag in. Roode crotches Devon on the ring post. Storm punches Devon on the mat. Roode and Storm fake a tag, and Roode and Devon go. Storm legitimately tags in.Team 3D hit the “Wazzup” on Roode. Ray directs the crowd in a huge chant of “Get the tables!” Storm cut off Devon on the floor. Roode and Ray go in the ring. The “Beer Money” salute was pretty loud too. The British Invasion comes down to ringside, to chants of “USA! USA!” The British Invasion sits at the announce table and comments, being quite friendly with Don West and antagonistic to Mike Tenay. Commentary from the British Invasion is great! Rob Terry climbs up on the apron to distract the referee, resulting in Ray climbing to the top rope and landing a flying body press on Terry to the floor! Storm tries to spit beer in the eyes of Team 3D, but misses and blinds Roode by mistake. Team 3D tries to capitalize and hits the 3D on Roode, but Rob Terry has distracted the referee again. Beer Money hits the Drinking While Investing (DWI) and gets the win! Huzzah!
Winners and NEW TNA Tag Team Champions: Beer Money
JB interviews Kurt Angle in an empty locker room. Angle says he’s winning the belt. The Main Event Mafia will resume their position and they will all be celebrating.
World Heavyweight Championship match (King of the Mountain)
Mick Foley vs. Jeff Jarrett vs. Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe
Each competitor got a short video package prior to his entrance. Nice touch. Joe comes out wearing a Detroit Red Wings jersey. Angle comes out wearing a Pittsburgh Pengiuns jersey. Joe attacks Angle before the bell rings to start the match. The two referees announce that because of Joe’s actions, he starts the match in the penalty box, and Angle is eligible to hang the belt. Foley stands on the ladder outside of the ring while Jarrett and AJ work over Angle. Foley pulls Jarrett down on top of himself for a pin. Jarrett is now eligible, and Foley goes to the penalty box. Joe chokes out Foley with the Kokina Clutch, making Joe eligible and sending Foley to the penalty box again. Foley leaves the penalty box and shoves over the ladder that Joe stands on, and Joe lands on the legs of the ladder. Ouch! The entire ladder is bent and twisted. Joe hiptosses Foley into the ladder as Foley charges him. Jarrett tries to stand the ladder up, but it’s useless. Jarrett throws the ladder at Angle on the floor instead. Jarrett gets a new ladder. Jarrett, Angle, and Joe are eligible at this point. Jarrett sets up a ladder and climbs it, but Angle and Foley stop him. AJ stomps Angle and moves the ladder. AJ attempts a tornado DDT, but Angle blocks it and suplexes AJ into the ladder. JArrett tries to hit Angle with his guitar, but Angle blocks it. Angle gets Jarrett in the Angle Lock, but Jarrett uses his free leg to roll out and smashes Angle in the head with the guitar. Jarrett sets up a ladder and climbs it, with Foley coming up the other side. Foley tells Jarrett to give him the belt. Jarrett refuses, and the two exchange punches. AJ flies in, kicking over the ladder and knocking everyone to the mat. It’s Styles and Foley, Joe and Jarrett. Angle is out. Foley climbs up on top of the penalty box. AJ follows him. Foley teases a DDT off the box. Styles teases throwing Foley through the announce table. Foley throws AJ off the box and into the ring. Foley jumps off the box to hit an elbow on Angle. Foley gets a three-count, and Angle goes to the penalty box. Foley is now eligible. AJ is the only one who isn’t. AJ takes his Legends title belt off the announce table, hits Foley in the back with it, and kicks Foley off the ladder. Joe and AJ take turns working over Foley. Joe elevates AJ over the top rope to take out Foley. Jarrett runs into Joe with a ladder. AJ pins Foley on the floor outside. All five guys are now eligible, and Foley is back to the penalty box. AJ and Jarrett climb the ladder. The title belt falls to the mat as Jarrett and AJ exchange punches. Angle attacks Jarrett, who jumps off the ladder to DTT Angle. Joe and AJ fight. Joe climbs the ladder, but AJ grabs his foot and pulls him down. AJ tries to climb the ladder, but Joe stops him. Joe flies through the ropes to take out Jarrett and Foley. AJ tries to hang the belt, but Joe pulls him off and powerbombs him. Joe climbs one side of the belt as Angle climbs the other. Joe hands Angle the belt and Angle hangs it up. Angle wins, through help from Joe! The entirety of the Main Event Mafia comes out on the ramp, cheering as Joe and Angle hug at the top of the ladder.
Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: Kurt Angle
FINAL THOUGHTS: The Joe/Angle thing threw me completely. Peole who think that the opening X-Division title match had no psychology and no story and was a train wreck spotfest are completely wrong. Tenay and West should NOT be talking about how Raven and Abyss “aren’t afraid of dying in the ring” period, and certainly not just after Misawa’s death in the ring. Daffney took the thumbtacks bump! Is there anything NOT amazingly awesome about her? Sting botched his reversal of Morgan’s Hellavator into the Scorpion Death Drop, and while he did get it back shortly, this should be kept in mind while he talks (yet again) about retiring this year. It’s understood that veterans often say that to gain concessions from the company in contract negotiations. One botched move at a ppv doesn’t mean that a person should be fired, but would that be acceptable for, say, Alex Shelley? Look, if Sting can’t go anymore, he can’t go anymore. Why the hell can’t Team 3D just lose? Honestly, do there have to be so many reasons set up as to why they lost the belts? Title defense in Japan, jet lag, just got to the building with no rest, cheating tactics of Beer Money, involvement of the British Invasion, enough! If anyone can win on a given night, just have a clean loss, already!
This was a very solid ppv, and if the usual TNA bashing occurs tomorrow, it certainly won’t be because the show was awful. I paid for this show, and the opening match alone was well worth the money. Of four championship title matches, the first two saw the champions retain and the second two saw new champions crowned. There will certainly be a great deal of fall-out from all seven matches that could go in a number of interesting directions. Next week’s “Impact” should be something good. Check back with us next Thursday night/Friday for all your TNA “Impact” needs!
Peace out,
Drowgoddess