It is I, the King of the BoredWrestlingFan crew, and I have returned for a second straight week with a review of wWE RAW! I took over writing duties for tonight after the show ended, so I won’t be using tweets in tonight’s review (sorry, @TKeep123, @WWEsAngel_Nef, among others). AlyKat should be back next week. She would have been back this week, but she’s spent the last week popping open bottles of champagne due to The Miz’s WWE Championship victory and her wrists hurt too badly to type. Are you ready? Because tonight’s show is simply this: RAWWWWWESOME!
Welcome everybody to a (kinda) special edition of Random Randomness. Today’s edition will be in two parts with part 1 being a shorter than normal Random Randomness and part two be a shortened edition of the Night Of Champions Roundtable featuring myself and Gee. So without further ado, lets get this show on the road:
What’s up everyone?! I’m on vacation in Chicago with @Niki_Sushi, as a birthday present to us, but I’m still gonna review RAW! No idea how well this is going to go, but I’m going to do my best, alright? Why’m I still going to do this review? No rest for the wicked.
Now that Cena has gathered a team to do battle with Nexus at SummerSlam, how is the shift in balance going to play out on RAW? And what about Mister Money in the Bank? Is he going to cash in on RAW, or is he going to save his opportunity until he sees the champion down at SummerSlam??
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last week: Nexus meets Team Cena.>
BRRRRRRRRRRR MONKEY POO!!!!
Cena makes his way to the ring. One day, he’ll realize that orange isn’t his color, I’m hoping. And he stands there… and stands there… And says everything’s better in Texas. Seven weeks ago, Nexus attacked and took over RAW with no warning. Superstars, commentators, cameramen, the Chairman, Hall of Famers, no one was safe. They did it for reasons only they knew. The point is, if Nexus wanted you hurt, you got hurt. Until last Monday. RAW finally said they have had enough. Friends and enemies stood side by side in the ring with one common goal: to beat Nexus at SummerSlam. You will see that they are not invincible. It’s about time, because the more they terrorize, the more power they get. And with power comes great responsibili-I mean influence. With more influence, they’ll start to take out the show. He’s not saying it’s going to be easy, he’s not Superman, he sees himself more as Aquaman. Jericho and Edge aren’t Batman and Robin. The idea of Khali walking around like Wonder Woman is just wrong. Cena photoshopped it, and it was very very disturbing. Every person on team Cena was chosen for a reason, and at SummerSlam-
BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!
I love Jericho… especially in a tux. Just sayin.
Cena points out Jericho is on the SummerSlam team. The crowd has a Y2J chant going, and Jericho looks a little confused. He says that he was standing backstage, biding his time, counting the minutes until Cena said what Jericho knew he would say. “My team.” “John Cena’s Team.” All week long, people have been approaching Jericho, saying they’re happy he’s on Cena’s team, and has changed his ways. Jericho wants to make something clear: He didn’t get involved to be a part of Cena’s team, to bask in the glory of a hero, or to shamelessly pander to a group of parasites. He got involved because of his personal problems with Nexus and Barrett, a man he molded from the moment he first came into the company. Jericho knows Barrett and Nexus, therefore he’s more qualified, and this is Jericho’s team. Cena says fine, and the team is sold to Jericho, at a bargain price. Call them whatever he wants. He doesn’t care; he just wants to beat Nexus. Jericho tells Cena not to patronize him. He will be honest and clear: the team lives or dies by Jericho. Cena knocks the mic out of Jericho’s hand, and Jericho looks ready to either run or smack a Sunkist bitch.
Cena says it ain’t about Jericho. It’s not about him. It’s about the damn business. Nexus has taken over the company. Last week, they got Jericho, they got Cena, whatever they want. Jericho loves the business, and that’s why they’re doing it. Does Jericho understand what Cena is saying to him right now? They have to co-exist. Yes, he knows Barrett better than anyone. Jericho is essential to the team. Jericho picks up the mic again and tells Cena never to knock the mic out of his hand again. Second of all, Jericho knows how essential he is. More than that, he sees the big picture. Nexus isn’t the only threat to the company. The other threat is John Cena. Because Cena is more like Nexus than he thinks. He walks around, interrupting whoever he wants, doing what he wants to do. The only difference is he does it with the support of the WWE Universe. Jericho is warning Cena: As soon as Nexus is gone, he’s going to take the next logical step, and turn his sights on Cena. He’ll either do it with his team’s help, or he’ll do it himself. Cena says he’s standing right there, take your best shot.
You’ve got mail!
Cena threw his hat. “Cena, Jericho. Your match against the Nexus at SummerSlam will now be an Elimination Match. The team that eliminates all the members of the opposing team first will be victorious. And in a preview of SummerSlam, the Nexus will face seven RAW superstars in an elimination match tonight. Your match at SummerSlam is all about teamwork. Tonight, let’s see how you, John, and you, Chris, function as a team against opponents of my choosing. And if you’re not down with that, I’ve got two words for you.”
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi The LOOK on @IAmJericho’s face is ‘I’m being cheered for. I do not approve.’ #BWF #RAW
@SadieandCompany Good grief folks, hold onto your socks. HBK is not in the house tonight. Sigh… #WWE #BWF
@RAWMysteryGM I don’t trust Cole to get me food, it’ll probably be moldy. He loves the Vintage thing RT @Tommyspud: @RAWMysteryGM ‘Get me a pizza’
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last week, R-Truth interrupts The Miz’ attempt to cash in Money in the Bank.>
It’s a shame that they lost their heads…
Sheamus makes his way to the ring, and Jerry says he is what the future of the WWE is all about. He sits down next to Jerry Lawler.
I hear voices in my head, they council me, they understand, they talk to me…
Randy Orton vs. Jey Uso with Jimmy Uso and Tamina
Last week, Orton won a triple threat match between Jericho, himself, and Edge to get the title of Number One Contender for the WWE Championship at SummerSlam.
Looks like the Usos are starting to really get up here if they get to fight Randy. Anyway, I’m kind of interested in this match. The two lock up, and Uso gets a hit to the face that takes him down. Orton keeps the momentum, punching Uso in the side of the head before getting Uso under the bottom rope, and dropping him up into it. Orton then pulls Uso to the apron by his hair. Uso pulls Orton’s head down on the rope, however, and then manages to keep Orton down for a cover, but Orton kicks out at two. He gets Orton in a headlock, but Orton stands up and powers out. The two exchange blows before Orton gets the advantage with a couple of clotheslines, and then a scoop slam. Jimmy Uso tries to help, but Orton gets him. Orton then DDTs Jey off of the second rope, and Randy gets riled up, slamming on the mat, and hitting the RKO. He goes for the cover, and secures a victory.
Randy Orton wins via pinfall!
Orton paid too much attention to Sheamus, and Jimmy Uso attacked him. Orton begins to attack back, and Sheamus sneaks in. Orton ducks an attempted kick to the face from Sheamus, and then RKO’s Sheamus.
AWESOME!
Miz runs out there with a referee behind him, and cashes in the Money in the Bank contract.
The Miz vs WWE Champion Sheamus for the WWE Championship
However, before the match can even begin, Randy RKOs The Miz, and it seriously looks like Randy just mouthed ‘mother FUCKER’.
Edge is backstage, talking, saying he can’t wait for SummerSlam. However, he wishes Ted was on his team instead of Khali. Cena comes to Edge and says he has an unstoppable unit, but Khali? Khali’s clumsy, uncoordinated, and not that bright. Maryse says that they don’t understand him, but Edge doesn’t look like he understood her. Ted says neither Khali nor Morrison deserve to be there. Edge says if he has to, he’ll force Cena’s hand and take Khali out himself. As he walks away, he passes Ranjin Singh.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 …and this could go on for a year! :} RT @markjamesbrand: Poor Miz. Thwarted again.
@Niki_Sushi ‘WWE’ is #9 trending in Chicago! #BWF #RAWSheamus and Miz are still in the ring, yelling at one another.
You’ve got mail!
“I found the team that will challenge Chris Jericho and John Cena tonight. The United States Champion The Miz, and the WWE Champion Sheamus.”
I just noticed, the briefcase is dented. Probably from beating Sheamus in the head with it.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Honkytonk Man vs. Ultimate Warrior for the Intercontinental Championship.>
Backstage, Edge is on the phone and Khali starts yelling at him. Ranjin says he heard earlier what Edge said, and he told Khali. Edge claims he never said that, and that he has nothing but the utmost respect for Khali. Khali grumbles something, or spits it, and it apparently translated to Edge is a nincompoop, and challenges him to a match right now. Khali manages to say: YOU! ME! NOW!, which is just plan dirty. Edge says fine. But if Edge wins, Khali is off the team.
<COMMERCIAL>
@HitTheRopes “I received another manager from the general email.” — Michael Cole. LOL #WWE
@RAWMysteryGM Cole screwed up my E-mail, I will replace him with Byron Saxton starting next week #WWE
@Niki_Sushi Well, Edge is gonna get a Great Fist up his ass and a pinky and index through his eyeballs. #BWF #RAW
The Great Khali vs. Edge
Khali comes out, and everyone’s dancing, and I’m so sick of that dance it’s not even funny. Lawler is gone because he’s going to be part of the seven-on-seven tag team elimination match later tonight. I hope Striker comes back on commentary.
Khali starts towards Edge, but Edge moves. Edge is then thrown into a turnbuckle, and Khali licks his han- okay, not really. He smacks Edge in the chest, and then manhandles him a bunch, throwing him into the opposite turn buckle. Edge gets up and manages to punch Khali a couple times, and then Khali clotheslines him, trying a leg drop and missing as Edge rolls away. Nexus makes their way out to the ring, and Edge climbs out of the ring, and into the crowd. Nexus surrounds the ring. Khali’s glaring at Nexus, and they make their way into the ring. They move away, creating an opening for him by the ramp. Khali cautiously gets out of the ring, and he backs up the ramp.
Later tonight, it’s John Cena and Chris Jericho against United States Champion The Miz and WWE Champion Sheamus. However, before that, it’s the seven-on-seven elimination match. I saw Yoshi Tatsu, the Hart Dynasty, Evan Bourne, Mark Henry, and Jerry Lawler.
<COMMERCIAL>
@BrdWrstlngFn Why did the GM choose to torment us by having Michael Cole on commentary by himself?
@HitTheRopes Dammit Edge, if you allowed the Nexus to beat you up, you would have won by DQ and Khali would have been off the team. #wwe
Seven-on-Seven Tag Team Elimination Match
Team RAW vs Team Nexus
Yoshi Tatsu, Jerry “The King” Lawler, Goldust, David Hart Smith, Tyson Kidd, Mark Henry, and Evan Bourne vs. Darren Young, Wade Barrett, Justin Gabriel, Michael Tarver, Heath Slater, Skip Sheffield, and David Otunga
Tarver and Yoshi start out, and Tarver gets the upper hand, throwing Yoshi into the turnbuckle. Tatsu runs at him, but Tarver scoop slams him, and eliminates him.
Yoshi Tatsu Eliminated by Michael Tarver.
Evan Bourne takes over against Tarver, and Tarver keeps an advantage, tagging in Justin Gabriel. Tarver was holding Bourne back, but Bourne used it to his advantage. He then tagged in Lawler. Lawler goes for a cover, but Gabriel kicks out at two. Barrett pulls Gabriel out, and they begin to work out a plan.
<COMMERCIAL>
@seraphalexiel Why did Tyson send Nattie to the back? She can handle the Nexus. And I don’t like seeing Jerry in the ring
@Niki_Sushi ‘VINTAGE LAWLER!’ You know what’ll be vintage? Your life when I figure out how to morph through TVs, Cole. Wait for it. #BWF #RAW
@SadieandCompany Love Jerry Lawler’s “Wonder Woman” outfit! He’s still fabulous!! #WWE #BWF
@ IAmJHPunk Dammit Bourne vs Gabriel would have been great! #wwe #raw #bwf
Jerry Lawler was eliminated during the break by Heath Slater, which is sad, but oh well. Tyson Kidd is in the ring now, and Heath Slater is taking a beating. The ref gets Tyson off Heath, and then tags in David Hart Smith. Smith kept him up in the air for a while before finally dropping him in a suplex, and then went for the cover, but Slater kicked out at two. Smith keeps the advantage, getting Slater down in the corner before Irish Whipping him into the opposite turnbuckle. Slater gets up on the top rope, and Smith gets distracted by Gabriel. Slater hits Smith from behind, and eliminates him.
David Hart Smith eliminated by Heath Slater.
Goldust is in now, and Slater get s quick advantage, but Goldust hits a shoulder block before slapping Slater around. Slater tags in Otunga. Goldust gets momentum, but Young holds his ankle and lets Otunga get an opportunity.
Goldust eliminated by David Otunga.
Mark Henry comes in and lifts Otunga before dropping him. Henry then throws Otunga into the turnbuckle, and Slater is tagged in. Slater is thrown around by Henry, who then hurls him across the ring again. Slater then tags in Young, who is clotheslined as soon as he comes in. Henry then hits a boot that actually hurts both me and @Niki_Sushi. Sheffield comes in and the two get in a yelling match for a minute. Sheffield then hits some blows on Henry, before going for his clothesline. Henry then drops him with a suplex, I think, and then again. He then throws Gabriel into the ring, before running right into him in the turn buckle. Turns out Henry forgot about Sheffield, who hits him with his spear-like clothesline.
Mark Henry eliminated by Skip Sheffield.
Only Tyson Kidd and Evan Bourne are left. Sheffield ran at them, and they both kicked him before Kidd went in. Kidd then was clotheslined in mid air. Sheffield tags in Young, who hits Kidd.
Tyson Kidd eliminated by Darren Young.
Wade Barrett comes in and runs at Evan. Evan then attacks everyone he can, but Wade gets him and drops him. Wade goes for the cover, and it’s over.
Team Nexus wins, seven to nothing.
Evan’s still lying in the ring, and they get him up, as usual, and then run him right into Sheffield’s Spear-Clothesline. Otunga then lifts Evan, and then drops him. As Evan lies there, Justin gets up on the top rope, hitting the 450 Splash.
Barrett gets the mic, and says that what they just saw was an act of total domination. The Nexus has always been 100% behind the common purpose. Cena, or Jericho’s team is already showing cracks. The cracks are due to their individual egos and agendas. Barrett assures us that come SummerSlam, the cracks are going to destroy the team. Sheffield says that he has a team of individuals who have no singular focus. No member of Cena’s team is willing to sacrifice themselves for the betterment of the group, like Nexus will do and has done. What Cena’s looking at is the Nexus. And they are unbreakable. Tarver takes the mic and says that SummerSlam will be no different than tonight. They will eliminate everyone until there’s only one person left, and Tarver hopes it’s Cena. They’ll treat him like a piece of meat, until they’ve all had their fill. They’ll pounce, and when they do, they’ll put him out of his misery. And then it’ll be over, mercifully for Cena, in more ways than one.
Miz is sitting backstage, massaging his forehead from the RKO, and then Sheamus comes up. Sheamus starts hating on Miz, and says that Miz is dreaming if he thinks that he can beat Sheamus. Miz just stares at him. Sheamus asks if Miz thinks he can, just name the time and place. Miz says how about tonight, immediately after they face Cena and Jericho. After Miz wins that match, and throws Sheamus back in the ring. After Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment, and Jericho puts him in the Walls of Jericho, and he’s screaming in pain… Miz has a really good Irish accent, btw, and then Miz cashes in on Sheamus. Sheamus says if Miz keeps pushing him, he’ll make him regret it, and knocks the briefcase across the room. Miz looks around and then scoffs.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog When Michael Tarver speaks, you better listen, but don’t look directly into his eyes or else he’ll consume your soul.
@HitTheRopes A clothesline took out the “World’s Strongest Man”? Really? #wwe
@Niki_Sushi Little Known Fact: Mark Henry and Skip Sheffield have a rap battle every night over drinks.
@TKeep123 Team Steroid vs. Team Jobber ….. outcome as expected. #WWE #RAW #BWF
@BrdWrstlngFn Come on WWE, pull the trigger – you know you want The Miz as the WWE Champion!
@kellylynndobson To Barrett Bourne must have weighed nothing after botching kool aid last week. #bwf
Brie Bella with Nikki Bella vs. Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox
Dear God… It’s the Bellas. Jerry is, however, finally back, so we don’t just have to listen to Cole. The Bellas are dressed alike, so I smell a Switcheroo. Jillian came out to stop the twins from doing said Switcheroo, and Nikki nearly pinned Alicia, but Alicia came back and hit her with her finisher, whatever it’s called.
Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox wins via pinfall!
Someone made the mistake of letting Jillian pick up a mic. Jillian says that she has a gift for Alicia, and she’s gonna sing. She’s singing a fucked up version of We Are the Champions by Queen, but Alicia hits her with her finisher too, and another stupid segment is ended.
<COMMERCIAL>
@dasharpshooters Whores are forever, and so are the Bella Twins. #wwe #raw #bwf
@IAmJHPunk How does Jillian still have a job?! #wwe #raw #bwf
R-Truth is out, screaming his constant question, to be on commentary. Anyway.
Ted DiBiase with Maryse vs. John Morrison
DiBiase and Morrison lock up, as Cole questions Truths’ motives. Maryse grabbed Morrison, and allowed DiBiase to get a chance to beat him up a little. DiBiase goes for a cover, but Morrison kicks out at two. I don’t really care what Truth says, stop focusing on him. DiBiase went for another cover, but Morrison kicked out. DiBiase gets Morrison in a headlock, but Morrison fights out, only to get beat up a bit. Morrison fights back, and Morrison hits DiBiase with his spinny-kick thing, and DiBiase kicks at Morrison. Morrison hits his flying chuck, and goes to the corner, but Maryse gets on the apron and distracts Morrison. DiBiase puts his feet on the rope to try to cover Morrison, but Truth shoves his feet off. DiBiase attacks Truth, and then Morrison tries to take advantage, only to kick Morrison in the face. DiBiase manages to pin Morrison for the win.
Ted DiBiase wins via pinfall!
Truth and Morrison start arguing in the ring, about Truth’s interference, and Morrison leaves, obviously upset, further creating cracks in Team Cena or Team Jericho. Cena’s watching this, worried about how this is going to affect the team. Truth admits that it was his bad, but Morrison doesn’t look impressed.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar His name is NOT “Jo Mo Fo Sho” it’s John Morrison. Don’t bring him down to your level.
@BrdWrstlngFn Can we get Alicia Fox out here to kick R-Truth too?
@dasharpshooters Morrison turning heel? Hope so. #wwe raw #bwf
@KeepItFiveStar Ted DiBiase’s purple tights are made from actual skin from Grimace. It’s amazing what money can buy.
“Rip It Up” by Jet is the official SummerSlam theme song!
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Team Nexus? Meet Team Cena (Jericho).>
Lawler has a Cena Slurpee cup with a Triple H straw…
Josh Matthews is backstage with Randy Orton now! He says that earlier, Randy prevented Miz from cashing in. Orton says that before he RKO’d Miz, he RKO’d Sheamus. T he message he sent tonight was clear: the question of who will be champion walking into SummerSlam doesn’t matter, because the question of who’s leaving as champion will be answered with an RKO.
AWESOME!
United States Champion The Miz and WWE Champion Sheamus vs John Cena and Chris Jericho
<COMMERCIAL>
@RAWMysteryGM Spoiler Alert: Miz opens next week’s RAW with the World Heavyweight championship explaining why he cashed in on Kane on Smackdown #WWE
@kickoutblog Y2J chant? Get out of 1999 you parasitic tapeworms!
It’s a shame that they lost their heads…
Sheamus comes out, and there’s already tension between Miz and Sheamus, and everyone knows Jericho and Cena were going to have tension…
Both teams are arguing over who’s going to start the match. I saw Miz go, “Okay, you start it? You start it?” and then run to attack Cena. Cena hits a bulldog by the time I look up, and Miz rolls out of the ring. Miz then tags in Sheamus, who blends in with the ring ropes. They lock up, and Sheamus gets the advantage, keeping Cena in a headlock, but Cena powers out and puts Sheamus in a headlock. Cena hits the shoulder block, and then shoves Sheamus in the corner. Cena holds his hand out and Jericho tags in, cornering Sheamus, before Sheamus turns it around on Jericho. A Y2J chant is starting up, and it makes me happy. Jericho hits a missile dropkick on Sheamus before standing on both Sheamus and the ropes. Jericho gets a kick in the stomach before some moves are exchanged and Sheamus gets flipped out of the ring. Jericho clears the ring, and then Miz mocks Sheamus outside the ring.
<COMMERCIAL>
We come back to Cena and Sheamus, just in time for Cena to get a huge clothesline. Sheamus tags in Miz, but Cena gets the advantage and goes for a cover, only for Miz to kick out. Jericho comes in off the tag and knees Miz right in the nose. Jericho bounces around and goes for a cover, only to try for the Walls of Jericho. Sheamus goes to attack Jericho, but Jericho ducks and finally manages to hit the Lionsault on Sheamus, but Miz takes advantage. Miz gets Chris up and back into his corner, kicking him before Sheamus tags himself in. Sheamus then attacks Chris in the same way, pandering more to Miz than the crowd, as the Miz chokes Chris on the apron as Sheamus distracts the ref. Sheamus clotheslines Jericho and goes for a cover, but Jericho kicks out. Sheamus gets Jericho in a headlock after that, and Jericho gets to his feet and powers out. Sheamus drops Jericho onto his knee and then goes for the cover, but Jericho kicks out at two. Sheamus gets Jericho back to his feet, and then drops him again. Sheamus tags Miz in, and Miz drops his boot on Jericho’s back before hitting him with some forearms. Miz then keeps Jericho on the rope, and slams his throat into it. Miz goes for a cover, but Jericho grabs the rope. Miz then gets a kick to the chin, and then a missile dropkick from the top rope. Cena is yelling at Jericho to tag him, and Miz rolls over to tag in Sheamus. Sheamus then gets Jericho in a headlock, and Cena seems to be trying to walk Jericho through it on the apron. Jericho manages to get up and power out of the headlock and Miz tags his way in. Miz then bounces Jericho’s head off the turnbuckle, and beats him in the corner. The ref forces Miz off, and then Miz yells at him before attempting his swinging corner clothesline, only for Jericho to win.
Miz is slowly rolling to Sheamus, as Jericho crawls to Cena, and it’s now Cena and Sheamus. Cena takes Sheamus down with some shoulder blocks. Cena then sets up and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Miz distracts the ref, and Chris is in the ring too. Chris hits the Code Breaker on Cena, Miz tags in himself, and goes for the cover on Cena.
The United States Champion The Miz and the WWE Champion Sheamus win via pinfall.
Miz already starts walking out of the ring and away from them. Jericho is watching Cena, before climbing back in the ring. Jericho then puts Cena in the Walls of Jericho. Cena flips it and puts Jericho into the STF. Jericho taps, but Khali comes in, trying to talk some sense into them. Edge then hits a Spear on Khali. Cena asks what the hell Edge is doing only for Morrison and Truth to come in. Team Cena/Jericho/whatever is all arguing in the ring. Khali then hits Morrison and Edge, and then everyone tries to tell Khali to stop. Jericho starts screaming at all of them too, telling everyone to stay down.
Looks like the tension on Team Cena/Jericho/YankeeDoodleDandy is going to make everyone a little crazy. How will Nexus take advantage of this? Will Miz ever cash in the Money in the Bank contract, or is he just going to hold onto it forever until the year mark and then cash it in? Later, BWF tweeters.
Hey everybody! Sorry about the lack of a RAW review last week. I had some computer troubles. But, I have a new laptop now, and I’m back in business. For more frequent updates as to why I’m not doing what I’m supposed to, make sure you follow me on Twitter: @TheMizMagnet. This week, Rob Zombie hosts!! Not only that, but what are the consequences supposed to be for the NXT Rookies attacking Mr. McMahon? What about this new GM? Who the hell is he… or she?!
Last Monday, the NXT Rookies surrounded Referee!Vince in the ring and then violently/brutally, whatever you wanna call it, attacked him, leaving him motionless in the ring as they all stood over him.
We start off RAW with no theme music. We’re told that we know nothing so far about Vince’s condition, but we’ll be updated if anything new is discovered tonight. Also, the NXT Season One Rookies want to be called Nexus, and Wade Barrett is at WWE HQ to plead his case and what not. The new anonymous General Manager says that the Nexus’ actions would be met with the appropriate consequences.
It’s a shame that they lost their heads, a careless man who could wind up dead...
Sheamus comes out to the ring and says that he watched the footage of Nexus beating Vince several times and he has to say he’s disgusted. He’s disgusted about what went down. So, as the WWE Champion, he felt it was his responsibility to make a statement on behalf of the company: the champ is here. Even though the Nexus lads got involved in his match, eveyone knows he would have beaten Cena regardless, and he would have proved he’s worthy of the Championship. He knows it’s unfortunate when it happens, but one important thing came out of it: Cena’s not the #1 Contender for the belt, and why? because he used his rematch clause. It means that he no longer has to look at the tacky orange t-shrits, no longer does he have to listen to the never-give-up slogans, and no longer does he have to listen to the WWE Universe chant “Cena” every week like parrots. No longer does he have to listen to Cena make fun of his beautiful Irish skin by calling him a human jar of mayo. He hates Cena. Cena can get to the back of the queue, like everyone else, because he’s through and he’s never gonna get a shot at Sheamus’ gold ever again.
BRRRRRRRRRRRRR SHABADOO!!!!
Cena makes his way to the ring and just stands there for a couple minutes, grinning and listening to the crowd. Sheamus asks him what he’s doing there, and says that he’s not going to get another shot at him or his belt again. Cena says that he knows and he didn’t come out there for that. He came out here to ask for help. Everybody here saw how Sheamus won the Championship, everyone saw how he kept it. It’s the group calling themselves Nexus. They made a target out of him because he was the WWE Champion, and they’re coming after the human jar of Mayo, Philly’s own giant block of cream cheese, the WWE Champion, Sheamus. Cena says he’s gonna cut to thee chase: They don’t like each other. Sheamus is tough as nails and can fight. Wanna keep the championship? His career? Then help Cena right now. They are going to start off RAW the way they should, for one night only, they fight, side by side, right now because Cena’s calling out Nexus, and they’re gonna start off RAW with a brawl.
However, an email sound comes on and Michael Cole stands up and says that he has an email. He’s like the new AOL guy: Welcome. I’ve got mail! Anyway, the email says, and Cole quotes (though I don’t, because that was a lot to type at once with Cole’s voice giving me a migraine), “I’ll wait until next week to take action agaisnt Nexus. I will allow spokesman Barrett time to present his case to WWE Officials. However, as far as tonight is concerned, if any membner of that group makes any contact with any WWE Superstar, they will be terminated. However, if any WWE Superstar initiates contact, they will be suspended.”
Cena thanks the anonymous General Manager. He says that it’s not a total loss, because they’ve learned something about Sheamus. He’s not just pale skin, and he’s a good dude. Honestly, he’s a pretty good guy. Sheamus was thinking to himself that they should have started RAW with a brawl, but, since they can’t, they’re thinking that they should start of RAW with a WWE Championship match!
The email sound comes again and Cole repeats that he has an email. None of us are, apparently, intelligent enough to know what that sound means. This email says that the WWE Championship, Sheamus will be in action tonight, but it’ll be against Mark Henry.
Cena explodes here (metaphorically speaking. Sorry to disappoint some of you). He claims his life is being ruined by the internet, and he hasn’t freaked out this bad since his mom cancelled his Warcraft subscription. He says that the GM should email him directly… at… candypants264@gmail.org. He goes on, but Cole has to tell us he has an email, so I missed it. The email says that in three weeks, there is a new PayPerView called Money in the Bank, where the winner will receive a contract for a WWE Title match that they can cash in at any time. You know, the same stipulations participants get at Wrestlemania. He says that the eight participants for the RAW match will be revealed later tonight, and he would like to demonstrate. Sheamus says the General Manager can demonstrate all he wants, because Shemaus has wasted enough of his time there and he’s out of there. In the ring, the cage starts to lower. The email goes on and says that since last week’s title match ended inconclusively, Sheamus will face John Cena at Money in the Bank for the WWE Championship in a Steel Cage match.
<COMMERCIAL>
Six Person Tag Match: The Unified Tag Team Champions David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd with Natalya vs
As the Hart Dynasty comes out to the ring, the Usos come out and lay the Hart Dynasty out. They start to go back up the ramp, but Tamina runs down and throws Natalya in the ring, hitting her with the Superfly Splash.
Backstage, Josh Matthews asks R-Truth what actions he thinks should be taken against Nexus. Truth says that they’re behaving like wild, untamed animals. He says not to fire them because that’s too easy. He tells Josh to leave them there at the WWE Zoo, where he’s the zookeeper. And that’s the Truth.
<COMMERCIAL>
Vladimir Kozlov vs Santino Marella – If Santino wins, then Vladimir will be Santion’s tag partner
Vladimir is already in the ring, and this match is pretty quick as we move through Santino entering the ring. Santino goes for a lot of moves, Kozlov just brushes him off, blah blah blah, Kozlov ends up pinning Santino.
Vladimir Kozlov Wins!
Kozlov seems to be amused as he keeps helping Santino up only for him to fall back down. He starts to head up the ramp when William Regal comes out, shakes Kozlov’s hand, and then runs into the ring and attacks Santino. Kozlov goes back into the ring and attacks Regal. Then, he carries Santino right out of the ring and up the ramp.
Backstage, Josh Matthews interviews The Great Khali, asking him what actions he thinks should be taken against Nexus. Khali says something, but Ranjin Singh just says that Khali says that he’s a big, stupid giant and his manager is really tired of protecting him. If Nexus were to come up right now, Khali would run.
<COMMERCIAL>
Tomorrow night, the second season of NXT gets their first votes!!
Tonight’s guest host is a five-time Grammy nominated musician, a screen writer, a producer, and actor, he’s Rob Zombie! He’s also the anniversary guest host, so to speak, for this is one year to the week of the first Guest Host! Rob Zombie says he’s there because he loves sick and twisted things, like the sick and twisted things that go on in the ring, like Money in the Bank. He’s there to announce the Money in the Bank Ladder Match participants for RAW: Randy Orton, The United States Champion, The Miz, R-Truth, Chris Jericho, Evan Bounre, Ted DiBiase, John Morrison and… this guy.
Edge shows up on the TitanTron and says that he hasn’t talked to Rob Zombie since he dumped his entrace theme. Rob Zombie says that he wants to set the record straight. He took his song back because he couldnt’ stand to have Edge destroy it. He starts to leave the ring and Edge asks him if that’s it. Did he scare away the horror director, the astro-creep? All that matters is that he won the first ever MitB, and cashed it in on Cena and won his first WWE Championship. Don’t we remember that? Why doesn’t he remind us?
<Video Package: WrestleMania 21, 2005: Edge wins Money in the Bank. 10 Months Later, Revolution 2006: Edge comes out to cash in Money in the Bank & wins WWE Championship against Cena>
Yeah, Edge did that. He did it and he had so much fun doing it, that he did it years later against the Undertaker. That’s what he was talking about last week when he speared Orton and said now the fun begins because Edge owns Money in the Bank. And he’s gonna show everyone just how twisted he can be ’cause you wanna know what happens when a Viper runs into a guy with a 20 foot ladder? The Viper gets his head crushed before he can strike. And Edge is going to do that to every other participant in that match, and at the end of the match, they will all be staring up at him.
The infamous email sound comes up and Cole says that tonight’s main event will feature all eight Money in the Bank participants in an Eight Man Tag Team Mega Match! Edge, The United States Champion, The Miz, Ted DiBiase, and Chris Jericho will face Evan Bourne, John Morrison, R-Truth, and Randy Orton.
Next: Mark Henry v Sheamus
<COMMERCIAL>
WWE Champion Sheamus vs Mark Henry
Mark Henry comes out with his rookie, Lucky Cannon, who goes backstage right after. The match starts with Sheamus gaining control until Henry shoves him. Sheamus and Henry exchange hits (if you wanna call it that), and Sheamus hits Henry with a DDT. He goes for the cover, but Henry kicks out a two. Sheamus drops his knee on Henry’s face, and then hits his chest a few times before going for another cover. Henry kicks out at two again. Sheamus gets Henry in a headlock, but then gets backed into a corner. As usual, Sheamus goes for Henry’s knee and tries to take him down with clotheslines before Henry hits one. Henry hits a splash a minute later, and goes for a cover, but Sheamus gets his foot on the rope. Henry gets up, and Sheamus hits him with whatever his boot move is called, and then covers Henry for the win.
Sheamus wins!
Josh Matthews is now backstage with Nexus. He asks for their reactions to the General Manager’s ruling. Tarver says it goes both ways. They can be fired for attacking a Superstar, but the Superstars will be suspended if they attack Nexus. Besides, Nexus can still make an impact. To prove this point, Skip Sheffield seems to think it’ll be sufficient to knock out some tech guy who probably pissed his pants as soon as Sheffield looked at him. Darren Young says that’s what they mean, and Nexus laughs.
Still to come, our Eight Man Tag Team Mega Match!
<COMMERCIAL>
“Money” by I Fight Dragons is the official Money in the Bank theme!
Jerry Lawler is in the ring and says that tomorrow, a new DVD will be out. Before he says who the DVD is about, he wants to show us something.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: The Life of Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat”>
Ricky Steamboat comes out, and Jerry says that a few more guys in the back want to say something. Arn Anderson, Dean Malenko, Mike Rotunda, and Micheal P.S. Hays come out to honor his career. They all say some really graet things about Ricky. When Steamboat goes to speak, the Nexus theme hits and they all come out. They surround the ring and then start to take out the legends in the ring one by one until it’s just them and Steamboat in the ring. Steamboat manages to put up a pretty good fight for about thirty seconds before Nexus overpowers him, and we see the same crap we’ve seen for what seems like forever now.
<COMMERCIAL>
Reminder! Nexus just attacked the legends! Another reminder! The Superstars can’t attack Nexus or they’ll be suspended, which is why no one helped the legends! Realization: With Jerry gone, we now have to listen to Michael Cole scream “VINTAGE” and wet himself all night… Joygasm.
<COMMERCIAL>
Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox & Maryse vs Gail Kim and Eve Torres
Lucky for me, if you wanna put it that way, Michael Cole is joined by Josh Matthews. Anyway, Alicia and Eve start, some hits are exchanged, blah blah blah… I got really distracted by whatever Alicia was wearing, so all I know is that eventually, Gail came in and was doing pretty good, but something happened and Alicia hit an axe kick on Gail and won it for her and Maryse.
Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox and Maryse win!
Next up is the Eight Man Tag Team Mega Match!
<COMMERCIAL>
Reminder! Last week, Nexus attacked Vince! Reminder!! About fifteen to thirty minutes ago, they attacked WWE Hall of Famers! Next week our slacker GM will determine the fate of Nexus.
Eight Man Tag Team Mega Match
The Rated R Superstar Edge, Chris Jericho, The United States Champion The Miz, and Ted DiBiase with Maryse vs R-Truth, John Morrison, Evan Bourne and Randy Orton
Just because I’m having a moment and I don’t want this to go straight to the commercial thing, I’m going to have some theme song fun!!
You think you know me…
Break the walls down!!
AWESOME! I came to play!
It’s a new day! It’s a new generation!!
What’s up?… What’s up?
Now listen, this ain’t no make believe!
*Airplane noises*
I hear voices in my head, they council me, they understand, they talk to me…
<COMMERCIAL>
DiBiase and Morrison start it off. DiBiase gets Morrison into the corner and Irish Whips him, but Morrison counters and throws DiBiase down. He gets DiBiase into a headlock and then moves to his corner, tagging in Truth.
Truth slaps DiBiase, who returns it witha punch. Truth then throws DiBiase over the top rope and tags in Bourne, who jumps off the apron and right into DiBiase before throwing him back into the ring. A few hard kicks get DiBiase off his feet. Bourne goes for a cover, but DiBiase kicks out at two and tags in Miz.
Miz gets flipped by Bourne almost immediately, and Bourne goes for a cover only for Miz to kick out at two. He punches Bourne and hits an Irish Whip, only to get hit by a kick to the face. Bourne slams into Miz and goes for the cover again, only for Miz to kick out at two. Bourne throws Miz across the ring and runs at him, only to get Miz’ shoulder in his face. Jericho distracts the ref as DiBiase hits Bourne. Miz tags in Jericho.
Jericho kicks Bounre and then drops him into the bottom rope, hitting a baseball slide to kick him out of the ring next. Edge drops down and hits Bourne while Jericho distracts the ref, and then Jericho goes out to throw Bourne back in. Jericho mocks Bounre before he pulls Bourne to the heel corner and tags Miz back in.
Miz stomps on Bourne a few times before putting his knee in Bourne’s spine. He then plants his knee in Bourne’s spine, lifting Bourne’s head, before slipping into a headlock. Bourne fights out and Miz goes for a suplex, but is kneed to the head by Bourne, who tags Morrison back in.
Morrison hits Miz with two clothesline, then Irish Whips him to a corner, hits a flying chuck, and sets up Starship Pain only for DiBiase to pull Miz out. Morrison jumps over the top rope and takes both out. He goes to throw Miz back in, but Jericho distracts the ref and Edge attacks Morrison.
<COMMERCIAL>
During the break, Jericho rammed Morrison with a ladder and then feigned injury. Jericho and Morrison are still in the ring, but Morrison falls out of the ring after taking some blows from DiBiase. Jericho brings Morrison into the ring, and Morrison manages to cover Chris, who kicks out at two and in turn, covers Morrison. Morrison kicks out at two, and Jericho tags Edge in.
Edge knees Morrison in the gut, and Morrison fights back, hitting Edge a few times. Edge hits a drop toe-hold on Morrison, and holds onto Morrison’s ankle, pulling him back into the heel corner. Morrison starts to fight back, and Edge tags in DiBiase.
DiBiase hammers away on Morrison as soon as he gets in. When Morrison tries to get some momentum, DiBiase hits him with a scoop slam, locking a headlock on Morrison after. DiBiase then tags in Edge.
Edge flings Morrison into the corner, and Morrison kicks Edge only to get a big boot to the face. He goes into a corner and prepares for the Spear, but Morrison gets out of the way. Edge pulls Morrison back, and Morrison manages to hit an insagiri on the back of Edge’s head. Both are down before Edge tags in Jericho, and Morrison tags in Bourne.
Bourne hits a hurricanrana, then a missile dropkick, countering Jericho’s Irish Whip and hitting Jericho with some high kicks. He goes for a cover on Jericho, but Jericho kicks out at two. Bourne goes to the top rope, and Jericho is right behind him, hitting him. Jericho attempts a suplex, but Bourne gets his knee in Jericho’s face and pushes him down. Bourne goes for Air Bourne and misses it, instead hit with the Codebreaker. Jericho ends up having to tag in DiBiase as Bourne tags in Randy. Orton hits the RKO as soon as DiBiase is close enough.
Randy Orton, Evan Bourne, John Morrison and R-Truth win
After the match, Edge runs back into the ring and attacks Randy from behind. He also brings in a ladder. Truth goes in to help or something, but is hit by a ladder as well. John Morrison and Evan Bourne kick the ladder, sending Edge flying backward. Jericho attempts a Codebreaker or something, but Evan knocks him out of the ring. Morrison helps Bourne onto the top rope, where he flies right into Jericho. Meanwhile, Miz takes out Morrison back in the ring with a Skull Crushing Finale. With the ring cleared, he sets up the ladder in the middle of the ring, starting a slow climb up it. Before he can grab the briefcase, Randy comes in and pushes it over, sending Miz right into the ropes. Randy then sets the ladder back up, climbing it and taking the briefcase for himself.
Overall Thoughts: Not too bad a show, though I don’t care what Nexus has planned anymore as long as they stay off my screen with it. Seriously, I’d rather watch Mark Henry try to rap again than anything else they have to do.
You know, I don’t think I caught an entire wrestling show at all in the past week, not counting last Monday’s RAW. I had to work Tuesday so I left way before the end of NXT. My band got our new t-shirts in on Thursday, so I missed a chunk of TNA. I was dead tired on Friday, so I slept through most of SmackDown. As for the PPV last night? Same thing.
I probably wouldn’t have ordered Fatal Four Way even if I was awake, but I’ve read the results over a few times and I do know one thing – unless Sheamus makes a huge impact on RAW tonight, neither he or Rey Mysterio will be getting much higher than 9th or 10th when I submit my rankings for this week’s Power Poll. I realize the storylines going on in the main event picture on both shows, but how can you have two World Title matches end in a title change via outside interference in one night? That’s my opinion, anyway, and we’ll find out if other wrestling writers (including our own G) agree with me on that one or not.
CZW wrestler Michael “Trent Acid” Verdi was found dead in his Philadelphia home a few days ago. It’s a very rare occasion that we talk about CZW here, and there’s probably a very good reason for that, but now is not the time for CZW bashing. I’d seen Trent Acid perform several years ago as part of the Backseat Boys tag team along with Johnny Kashmere, and the kid was very talented. It’s always sad to lose a member of our wrestling family, and this is no exception.
Reports are that Batista is set to debut for Strikeforce in the near future. At age 41, we’ll have to wait and see how well his body can withstand the abuse of being an MMA fighter.
Lastly, I want to take the time to thank the hard working staff here at BoredWrestlingFan once again for the time and effort they put in to keeping this place running. From our long running staff members Drowgoddess, JT, Legend Killer, and tharvey1, to our newest members AlyKat and G, we have the best writing team on all of the internet, and I truly believe that. I’ll see you guys in a day or two with this weeks Power Poll rankings, but for now, stay tuned for AlyKat’s RAW review!
After the worst week in recent iMPACT history (0.5) last Monday, how will the Orlando crew address this on a live to air episode. One thing we can be sure of is that tonight’s episode will be Bubba the Love Sponge free since he got his ass turfed on the weekend for basically… being himself (i.e. total waste of flesh piece of trash). Which “band” member will no show/show up drunk… tonight?
– We kickstart the show with a brief teaser of Hogan and Bischoff in a limo discussing another person coming in and defecting implied from WWE. Tenay and Taz announce that due to feedback, iMPACT will be moving back to Thursday nights. Also, they are adding a new show called TNA Reaction (not sure when this will air, but it sounds like Thursday as well). Hence, admitted failure!
– Nature Boy, Ric Flair’s music hits but it’s Black Machismo, Jay Lethal who comes out. He is not dressed like Randy Savage, rather in a suit and is wearing Flair’s HOF ring. Superstar Billy Graham somewhere feels confirmed in his fairly recent allegations against the fraud the WWE calls a Hall of Fame. And he does a pretty convincing impression (including attacking his jacket).
WOO!
– This is turn brings out Flair and he’s pissed. Lethal apologizes, gives back the ring, and tells Flair that this was something all he’s want to do his whole life… even if for 2 minutes. It’s a pretty endearing little rant, but Flair will have NONE of it. “I’m Ric Flair, I AM WRESTLING!” and slaps him across the face… Lethal slaps back and they go back a forth a bit until Lethal slaps on the figure four. Heels pour out of the back to back up Flair… Abyss and Team 3D clears the ring. Chaos! RVD comes down with a chair and the heels bail. The only bad part about this segment was Flair having his shirt off for most of it…
Yep
– An ad for Deadliest Warrior featuring Jesse James versus Al Capone is tomorrow. And it’s going to be awesome.
-RVD (w/ 3D, Abyss and Lethal) call out Desmond Wolfe, Beer Money!, and AJ Styles to continue the brawl. They do, and I can’t find many non-porn clusterfuck images… so you’ll have to get the idea. This continues for a bit until Hogan makes his way out… Hogan somehow takes out all of the heels with absolutely no moves. Pretty odd.
This ^ is odder…
– We come back, and Hogan more or less books everyone into matches for the night… and since I’ll to those as we suffer through tonight’s episode. Then cut to Sting up in the rafters pacing… more commercials.
– The Beautiful People are in their dressing room applying the pancake and having a bull bitch session about having to defend their titles tonight… eye candy? Yes. Relevant promo? No.
– Doug Williams was stripped of his X Division title (the volcano from last month prevented him to make the last PPV). That was pretty lame on TNA. He lets us know he is still the title holder in his own mind and will face Kazarian at the next PPV event. Him and Kendrick (stoned from the bong rips with RVD earlier) will tag against Shannon Moore and Jesse Neil and their retarded Mohawks… we used to call these types of guys “Punks for a day” in Calgary when going in indie shows back in the early-mid nineties. Punk rock is a mentality, not the way you look. Matt Morgan continues his pluralized reference to himself on commentary.
– In all fairness, this is a fun high spotfest of a match. If you’re like me, this was a highlight of the night. Team Mohawk picks up the win in a far too short match. Samoa Joe comes out post match and takes out both Kendrick and Williams.
Punk for a day!
– Flair and his heel crew meet backstage as Flair tries to “coach” them. Then cut to a Hogan interview about building up the new TNA and whining about Sting going awry. I call this filler. Tenay/Taz + Sting explanation = blah, blah, blah… meh.
– Desmond Wolfe won the fan voting poll for the number one contender shot, which seems about right. Last time I checked, Wolfe and Hardy were both tied for 27% with no one else even close to contending. I guess those internet indie darlings do well when the internet actually gets the opportunity to vote, eh Daniel Bryan? We then cut to Mr. Anderson beating the crap out of your Pope, my Pope… the Pope backstage. Anderson is wearing some fucked up choir boy outfit and takes Dinero’s Pope Glasses and walks off.
I never tire of this picture.
– Anderson makes his way down to address the congregation. As per usual, I will just take in the over-the-top antics that are Ken Anderson. After delivering the gospel in the fashion of a Jim Baker style southern evangelist, the crowd is clearly divided, but loud “We want Pope” chants prevail. This is turn, logically of course, calls for Jeff Hardy whose first retort is “The Congregation and the Creatures of the Night are one and the same.” … … Anderson puts on his WTF epic logic fail face to my own pleasure. This is getting too gothic and emo for my comprehension. Hardy’s challenge to face Anderson is turned down… so Hardy KO’s him and uses his hands to make Anderson’s mouth move like a puppet and accept the challenge at Sacrifice.
AWESOME!
– By the way, after Hardy rips the choir boy outfit off of Anderson, Ken’s trunks say the following on the reverse: “Talk into…” and on the front “…the mic.” I wouldn’t wear these with Orlando Jordan around unless you are REALLY comfortable with your sexuality.
– Like the PatMan, known amongst the inner circles as PatMan of all that is Horny, the Beautiful People are out to defend their Tag and World titles against Sarita, Taylor Wilde, and Tara in an “I Don’t Understand the Stipulations Either” match. “What’s Lacey doing… it’s like the Elaine dance from Seinfeld…”
Good call Taz! AWKWARD…
– The match dissolves fast shortly thereafter allowing for the Beautiful People to retain all of their titles while Tara’s antics take out Sarita and piss off Taylor Wilde. So far, not a lot of action tonight. Hemme addresses the issue with Tara post match… Tara will put her career on the line against Rayne for the title….
– Three way tag match. Team 3D versus Beer Money! versus the Motor City Machine Guns. If there is any justice, the MCMG’s (best tag team out there) will prevail. God hates wrestling fans so…
Charles Barkley@ G: “I’ve got a public speaking function tonight, so I have to skip out on the TNA stuff…
G@ Charles Barkley: “Ok, just let me know when I have to bail you out of jail again…” Click here for stats on celebrities and how many times they’ve been bailed out.
– In what starts out to have potential is ruined quickly… dammit. The “Band” interferes and a DQ is issued. In a turn, Eric Young runs down and appears to have joined the Band by making the Wolfpack gang signs. The MCMG’s pull some awesome double teaming to take out the Band briefly until Beer Money! takes them out. I didn’t see Waltman anywhere out there… so Waltman must be the guy to not show up or show up drunk as I referred to at the start of this retarded review.
– Welcome to the “O Zone” with your sexually ambiguous host Orlando Jordan. Honestly I will try to give this a chance… He brings out Rob Terry as promised last week, in the form of a cardboard cutout. Meh. The real Terry comes out, attacks Jordan, turns his back, Orlando takes him out. Tumbleweeds blow through as nobody is shocked nor cares.
– Monster’s Ball Match (i.e. garbage weapons match) between Styles and Abyss. I’m doing my best to stay awake…. it’s 1 AM here and I worked from 8:30 AM through 11:00 PM today (and did I mention I’ve been drinking?). It’s a pretty decent bout, but for some reason Chelsea comes out to distract? Umm… who? The ruse is used to allow Flair to toss brass knuckles in and allow Styles to use them for a win. And Abyss of course ends up in a pile of tacks as Styles picks up the win. What the point of that was, is beyond me. WEAPONS ARE LEGAL. BRASS KNUCKLES ARE LEGAL. STUPID.
WTF?!?! Weapons are legal!
– Finally, we get RVD versus Desmond Wolfe in what HAS to be our main event. It sure starts off good with some excellent ring action… I’m focusing my typing hands on watching this… ahh crap, another 2 minute match in what could have been epic. Retarded. After RVD picks up the win with the 5 Star Frog Splash, he is attacked by Styles…
– Hogan finds Jarrett beat up backstage… due to Sting. Right, I could give a shit about his heel turn forgot about that.
– Hogan calls out Sting, who comes down to retort… Basically Sting says it’s about Hogan having a “veil of protection” throughout the years and that he loves TNA, blah blah blah. Hogan uses the word “brother” a bunch and pretty much says nothing. Sting cackles, “I’ve always said you’re one of the best chess players of all time […] it’s your move Hulkster.” Hogan throws down the challenge to take his best shot. Jarrett comes down first and attacks Sting with his own bat. Hogan and Jeff argue as Sting gets to his feet…
– The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.
Charles Barkley@ G: “Ok, I need that bailout G. Hook a brother up honkey!”
G@ Charles Barkley: “Good. I’ve got no time for final thoughts this week anyways…”
Whose line is it, anyway? Let’s make a deal where you don’t forget the lyrics, because Wayne Brady is hosting WWE Monday Night RAW! This, of course, begs the question: Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?
I know, I know. Last week I said I’d review iMPACT before RAW. Then I said at the end of this week’s RAW review that I’d review iMPACT in “a couple hours.” Here it is 12 hours later and I’m just now sitting down to review TNA’s show. Let’s get started!
Alright, it’s 8PM as I type this, so screw it, let’s get started!
Last Sunday: Chris Jericho won the World Heavyweight Championship, with a little help from, of all people, Shawn Michaels.
The World Heavyweight Champion, Chris Jericho is here, and this past Monday, Edge speared him and confirmed that the Rated R Superstar would be his opponent on the Grandest Stage of them All. In case the big belt over his shoulder doesn’t give it away, he tells us he’s the World Heavyweight Champion. He even reads the belt. “Chris Jericho – World Heavyweight Wrestling Champion.” Last Monday was his inauguration ball, a chance for us to bask in his successes, but it was taken away from him by Edge, and he didn’t deserve it.
You think you know me…
For the second time this week, Edge interrupts Jericho. He hates to do this, but he’s got to congratulate Jericho. He walked into the Elimination Chamber and walked out the World Heavyweight Champion. Jericho says it’s because he’s the best in the world at what he does. Edge says he’s the best in the world at getting speared by Edge. Edge lists Jericho’s achievements with the word “spear” attached at the end of each. Edge feels the spears aren’t just getting to Jericho physically, they’re getting to him mentally as well. He see’s doubt in Jericho’s eyes. Jericho doesn’t think he can beat him. Jericho says of course he can beat Edge. Edge says he’s in Jericho’s head all nightmare long – hooray for a Metallica reference from Edge! He wants Jericho to live up to what he says, that he’s the best in the world at what he does. If he doesn’t, guess what’s going to happen. The crowd chants “spear.” Edge says they’re right. One more spear, and it’s all over. Jericho says Edge will never spear him again, and suckerpunches him. Edge sells it, and Jericho goes for the Codebreaker, but Edge holds on to the ropes – then spears Jericho once again.
@xSmootx #Smackdown Definitely looking forward between Edge/Jericho at mania, great segment. #SpearisthenextGOREGOREGORE
WRESTLEMANIA XXVI: 30 Days Away!
We’ve got a Money In The Bank qualifier about to take place as the sounds of AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck” ring out through the arena. Who’s participating?
Now listen, this ain’t no make believe…
The Shaman Of Sexy, John Morrison, had an impressive showing his past Sunday in the Elimination Chamber, and now has a chance to go to WrestleMania as part of the Money In The Bank ladder match. Standing in his way?
I am perfection…
Dolph Ziggler has an opportunity to make his mark on WrestleMania, but we’re not done with the participants in this match…
What’s up… if you feel me, stand up and say what’s up…
R-Truth is accompanied by his NXT rookie, David Otunga, and we’re set for triple threat action, the winner going on to WrestleMania XXVI as part of the Money In The Bank Ladder Match.
Dolph Ziggler def. John Morrison and R-Truth to qualify for the Money In The Bank Ladder Match
Ziggler’s strategy is to let Morrison and Truth beat each other up, but they’re not having any of that. They go out after him, beat him up a bit, and toss him back out. R-Truth gets to show off his athleticism, but Ziggler breaks up the first pin attempt and bails. Morrison gets a two count as well with Ziggler breaking up the pin once again. He eats a clothesline for his trouble. Morrison gets dumped to the outside, and then Truth dumps Ziggler to the floor right by the feet of David Otunga. Truth hits a suicide dive, then rolls Ziggler back in the ring. Morrison keeps Truth on the outside, and scores a two count on Ziggler, then we go to a…
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@Lucks4Losers Totally wanna see Truth’s rookie do Truth’s entrance lol #WWE #Smackdown
@jenrae73 #BWF #Smackdown Which one will win? Larry,Curly or JoMo? Ha!
@JamesLovely #wwe am i the only person that cannot stand R truths theme song or catchphrase? I wish he would just hurry up and turn heel already
@TheKingOfImpact So now that David Otunga is in #WWE I betta not see Jennifer Hudson in no storylines. The only thing she needs to do is sing at Wrestlemania
Ziggler is surprisingly in control when we come back, managing to fight off both Truth and Morrison. Both Truth and Morrison at different points score with a rollup on Ziggler but have their pin broken up by the other. Ziggler breaks up a pin attempt by Truth on Morrison. Truth goes for the Lie Detector on Ziggler, who ducks, and it’s Morrison who takes the move, but Truth only scores a two count. Ziggler gets rid of Truth and tries to cover Morrison but still only scores a two. All three men start battling on the top rope, and Ziggler crash lands on the outside. Truth goes for a Superplex on Morrison, who blocks and counters with a sunset flip powerbomb, and follows it up with Starship Pain, but Ziggler pulls Morrison out and picks up the pinfall on Truth – Dolph Ziggler is going to WrestleMania!
Christian and Dolph Ziggler are the only qualifiers thusfar for the Money In The Bank ladder match at WrestleMania XXVI
Promo: Please DO NOT Try this at home.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@jaydubshow Dolph Ziggler is going to WrestleMania! Money in the bank baby! #MITB #WWE Hope Morrison gets another shot though
@thumbscrews Just saw #HulkHogan in a Rent-a-Center commercial. How the mighty have fallen. #WWE #TNA
@Jason_Sherman I wonder what kind of shampoo JoMo uses…his hair is always looking shiny. #wwe #smackdown
Editor’s note: I actually saw that Hogan/Rent-a-Center commercial earlier. Surprised the hell out of me to see him in that – but it’s great promotion for TNA for fans who may not realize what he’s been up to and may think to look him up on the internet.
Video: Shawn Michaels challenges The Undertaker and ultimately convinces him to accept.
It’s Career vs. Streak at WrestleMania, but up next, it’s the WWE Women’s Championship on the line, with special guest referee Vickie Guerrero!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@ivanpek009 This video package is pretty awesome #WWE #Smackdown
@Stythis1788 Brilliant video of Michaels and Taker #wwe. Sheer brilliance
@BrookCallaway This HBK/Taker match is driving me nuts…I dont know who to cheer for. Damn them.
Vickie Guerrero gets the Jeff Jarrett treatment – no music as she makes her entrance. She’s our guest referee in this WWE Women’s Championship match. The challenger is out first, which shouldn’t be shocking, but it is. Michelle McCool is accompanied by Layla. Mickie James is the WWE Women’s Champion, and she’s accompanied by the WWE Women’s Championship belt.
Michelle McCool def. Mickie James to become the NEW WWE Women’s Champion
Todd Grisham fumbles over the name of the company he works for as this match starts. Michelle starts off on offense but it doesn’t last long. Mickie battles back and drops Michelle. She makes a cover, but Layla gets up on the apron, and Vickie stops to tell her to get down. Mickie dumps Michelle to the outside and hits a baseball slide, followed up by a Hurricanrana. Mickie slams Michelle’s face into the barricade and is rolling until Layla gets involved, distracting Mickie. Michelle takes over, bouncing Mickie’s head off of the ring apron as Beth Phoenix watches on a monitor backstage. Michelle goes for a powerbomb, but Mickie reverses into another hurricanrana, but her advantage doesn’t last long, and Michelle hits a belly to belly suplex. She goes for the cover but Vickie falls out of the ring. Mickie rolls up Michelle but Vickie slaps her in the face. Michelle boots Mickie in the face and covers her for the pinfall victory and the WWE Women’s Championship.
Up next, it’s another Money In The Bank qualifying match as Kane takes on the Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre!
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@SpenceSupreme #WTF Vickie fell out the ring, gets back in and screws Mickie. Wow #WWE
@prettyheartless Peace out Mickie James. I’m calling it.
@jeterfan28 DREW IS ON NEXT!!!! He could be IC champ as well as potential MITB contender!
“Thunderstruck” rings out again, despite the fact that the official theme song for WrestleMania is some song by Kevin Rudolph that I didn’t bother catching the name of. The Big Red Machine, Kane makes his way to the ring, and he’ll have a chance to go to WrestleMania. Drew McIntyre’s awesome new entrance plays, and the Intercontinental Champion comes out with a microphone in his hand. He stops at the top of the ramp and reminds us that he’s undefeated. Nobody in the WWE has been able to beat him, not even Kane. He proved it last Sunday when he beat Kane at the Elimination Chamber. After he beats him tonight, he’ll win Money In The Bank, and the prophecy will be fulfilled. He’ll be the Intercontinental Champion, the World Heavyweight Champion, and still undefeated.
Kane def. Drew McIntyre to qualify for the Money in The Bank Ladder Match
Kane aggressively attacks McIntyre to start the match. McIntyre mounts a comeback and starts to aggressively attack Kane, and this match has essentially degraded into a brawl. McIntyre locks in a front facelock – whaddya know, a wrestling hold. Kane powers out of the hold and starts throwing punches, then clotheslines in the corner before dropping McIntyre with a sidewalk slam for a two count. Kane goes to the top rope, but McIntyre gets out of the way, then hits a ZigZag like move, which confuses Grisham into calling McIntyre “Ziggler.” Kane gets up and goes for a chokeslam, but McIntyre avoids it. Kane hits a big boot and gets a two count. McIntyre goes for the FutureShock, but Kane powers out of it. Kane boots McIntyre in the skull and picks up the pinfall victory. Kane is going to WrestleMania!
McIntyre gets up and realizes that he’s not going to WrestleMania. He looks up at the Money In The Bank briefcase, then flips out, yelling something that I can’t quite make out at Matt Striker.
So now the Money In The Bank match will feature Christian, Kane, and Dolph Ziggler.
The Miz has something to say, and that’s NEXT!
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@RizzIUP Kane wins w/ a kick to the head #WWE
@Miss_Dani_Baby Take it easy McIntyre you don’t want to lose your job
@txgirl0302 I don’t like Drew McIntyre but dammit I like his theme music.
It’s finally confirmed that “Thunderstruck” is one of the WrestleMania themes this year, though they said it’s off the Iron Man 2 soundtrack…
The Unified WWE Tag Team and United States Champion, The Miz is here with a microphone in his hand. He can come to any show he wants because he’s one half of the Unified Tag Team Champions, yet he and The Big Show still don’t have a match at WrestleMania. Miz asks Teddy Long to find ShoMiz a suitable tag team, so that they can prove they’re the most dominant team in the WWE. Miz doesn’t care who it is, or whether or not he and The Big Show need to come back to SmackDown or not. He just wants to have his WrestleMania moment, because he’s The Miz, and he’s AWESOME! Teddy Long says he’ll take it under advisement. Since Big Show isn’t here, they can’t do a tag team match, but The Miz is here, so we can have a singles match. Miz says he’s not scared of anybody, bring it on. Teddy Long announces that the match for later tonight will be The Miz taking on Edge!
Up next, it’s Shelton Benjamin in action as he takes on the Straight Edge Superstar, CM Punk in a Money In The Bank qualifier!
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@AndorranRef25 The Miz is AWESOME! He’s come a LONG WAY since signing w/ #WWE. He has Personality and AWESOME promo skills. Miz Vs. Edge should be good.
@Rage_Grenade @mikethemiz looks like an AWESOME BEAST with those 3 Title Belts. #WWE #Smackdown
@youdontknowmel Miz vs edge?! Miz vs edge?! Dreams DO come true!! #wwe
Smack of the Night: Last year’s Money In The Bank match.
CM Punk is looking to three-peat in Money In The Bank matches, but first, he’s got to qualify. He’s accompanied to the ring, of course, by the Straight Edge Society of Luke Gallows and Serena. His opponent tonight is returning to SmackDown after spending a lot of time on ECW, and quite frankly…
AIN’T NO STOPPIN’ (HIM) NOW!
Shelton Benjamin is back on SmackDown!
Shelton Benjamin def. CM Punk to qualify for the Money In The Bank Ladder Match.
Benjamin gets the early advantage in this one, and Punk bails from the ring to catch a breather. When he gets back in, he takes over. Benjamin starts to battle back, using his slight edge in quickness to his advantage, but Punk battles back. Shelton fights off a bulldog attempt, and Gallows climbs up on the apron, distracting Benjamin. Rey Mysterio pulls Gallows off the apron, distracting Punk, and Benjamin hits PayDirt for the victory! Shelton Benjamin is going to WrestleMania!
Matt Striker says “A pessimist’s blood type is always B negative.” I like that line.
Still to come, it’s Edge taking on The Miz!
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@Kevin4theWin So Shelton wins his MITB qualifier with help from Rey Mysterio. #WWE #Smackdown. They should have let Shelton win clean in my opinion.
@Narcissism100 My Straightedge Savior is here CM Punk far better than the Impure Shelton Benjamin. Accept StraightEdge into your life it will save u. #WWE
@wrestlingaddict AWESOME!!!!!! Loving that Shelton won, Can’t have a MITB match without Shelton! But it should have been a CLEAN win! #WWE
RAW Rebound: John Cena is angry, but he’s going to WrestleMania to face Batista
We get a rundown of the WrestleMania card thusfar. Pretty solid so far – John Cena vs. Batista, Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho vs. Edge…
Speaking of Edge…
You think you know me…
The number one contender for the World Heavyweight Champion is here and he’s set for action against the WWE United States Champion, The Miz! SmackDown is about to get AWESOME! The Miz makes his way out to the ring, and we head to a…
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@Kevin4theWin Hmm somehow I don’t see this Main Event lasting the full 18 mins. My guess they take a commercial break during Miz Intro #WWE #Smackdown
@iObscurity My money’s on Edge. Jus’ sayin’.
@_onwiththeshow @mikethemiz holyshit, bro, you do cleveland proud. if we can’t have team titles, at least you can carry all those belts. (:
Edge def. The Miz
This is the first time EVER that Edge and The Miz are in the ring together. Surprisingly, they start off by, y’know, actually wrestling. Edge gets the better of the early exchanges, frustrating The Miz. Edge starts playing mind games with The Miz, getting the United States Champion to chase him around, then catching him and slamming him spine first into the barricade on the outside. Edge actually outquicks The Miz, but The Miz finally catches Edge, slamming him face first into the steel ring post and sending him crashing to the floor, and us crashing into…
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@StevenPhilNYY watching the end of Smackdown. Just me or does Edge look like he did when he broke into the WWE? Skinnier brood form #WWE #Smackdown
@guitardude83 Haha.SpearSpearSpearSpearSpear lmao that’s good stuff #wwe
@SESociety: #WWE has bigger and better plans for our savior.
The Miz is in control as we come back, wearing Edge down with submissions and strikes. Miz climbs the ropes, but Edge catches him and flapjacks him into the canvas, turning the tide back into his favor as Daniel Bryan watches from backstage. Edge nails the Edgecution for a two count. Miz nails a combination backbreaker/reverse DDT for two. He goes for the Skull Crushing Finale, but Edge reverses it into the Impaler DDT. Edge backs into the corner and sets up for, then nails, the Spear, picking up the victory.
It’s the last stop before the final pit stop on the road to WrestleMania! Jerry Springer hosts, and the Elimination Chamber participants will be facing each other in singles competition. I’m half asleep, so screw it, let’s get started!
