“Impact” Impressions (for 3 hours!) 10/15/09
Leave a CommentBring some snacks and settle in, peeps!
Bring some snacks and settle in, peeps!
Before we get started, I’d like to welcome all the new Bored Wrestling Fans visiting our site that I’ve been talkin to on twitter for the past few days. Want to get your thoughts featured in our RAW reviews every Monday? Get our attention on twitter @BrdWrstlngFn!
Anyways, it’s time to get EXTREME – WWE style!
To quote the underrated band Unwritten Law, “I’m sick of my sickness.” I feel like crap right now, so my goal tonight is to do as little as possible to get through this review before I turn it over to whomever tonight’s BWF guest host will be.
Chris Jericho kicks things off, explaining WWE Bragging Rights, explaining that the main event will be a 7 on 7 tag match between RAW and SmackDown. Jericho says he can choose whichever side he wants since he’s a Unified Tag Team Champion, but he’s been named the SmackDown team captain and plans to put together a great team. Guest Host Nancy O’Dell interrupts and tells him that we don’t start RAW with him, we start it with DX.
BREAK IT DOWN!
Shawn Michaels and Triple H make their way out to the ring. Or at least, Triple H does. Mark Eaton, the timekeeper, gets in the ring and does the running around Triple H bit. The Game says we’re doing things differently tonight. Are you ready?
For the thousands in attendance, the millions watching at home, and Shawn Michaels who’s not here. He says he got a call from HBK, with whom he was going to set up the RAW team for Bragging Rights. He could go ahead and make the team, but instead he’s going to be a true friend and call HBK at home and badger him. HBK’s voicemail is a parody of his theme music. HBK picks up. Triple H and the DX Army want to know where he is. He says his daughter got sick and he had to stay home. He just put her to sleep and finished reading her a bedtime story. Triple H asks if it was from the Unauthorized History of DX that’s on sale now, would he? He says he wouldn’t read his daughter that crap… um… he means… he means that of course he read it! Triple H says he reads it to his kids all the time. HBK says goodbye to Indianapolis, and Triple H is then interrupted by Chris Jericho and The Big Show. Jericho puts over SmackDown. Triple H says SmackDown is a good show. A very good show with a spineless GM that does whatever Vince says, it features a grumpy little troll who runs his mouth all the time (that’s Jericho), and it features great, great, wrestling. Y’know, like The Great Khali. Triple H says it’s nowhere near the league of RAW (Editor Note: He’s right. It’s in a much much better league). Jericho says that he’s going to take The Big Show for the SmackDown team despite the fact that he’s a RAW Superstar. Triple H says that Jericho’s the boss, then makes a couple of gay jokes. Show says that he and Jericho are equals, and Big Show carries the team. Jericho asks him what he just said. Show says he’s not the one who got pinned last week. Jericho says he’s not the one who was the laughing stock of Sportscenter after being humiliated by Shaquille O’Neil. Show says that at least he didn’t get punked out by a 200 Year Old fossil named Bob Barker. Jericho says he’d face Barker anywhere in the world. Jericho says he’s the best in the world at what he does, and he’s made The Big Show a champion. He’s no longer known as the guy who got knocked out at WrlestleMania 24 by Floyd Mayweather. Big Show tells Triple H he’s changed his mind and wants to be on the RAW team at Bragging Rights. Triple H says it’s the greatest news he’s heard, but unfortunately they don’t have any spaces open. He says he’ll do him a favor though. He’s been given the authority to earn his slot on the RAW team. All he’s got to do is win his match tonight. Show says he can do it. His opponent tonight is Chris Jericho. Oh yeah, and that match is now. The Tag Team Champions don’t look happy as Triple H leaves.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
From some of our friends on Twitter:
@fozzyfan: They ruined a perfect opening of Raw by interrupting @IAmJericho for Triple Nose? Thumbs DOWN
@IAmJHPunk: How did HHH already talk to the guest host & get permission 2 make the match when he barely found out that Show wants 2 switch? #wwerawfail
The Big Show def. Chris Jericho
Big Show tries to calm Jericho down, but Jericho keeps slapping him. Show slaps him off the top rope, and Jericho falls to the floor clutching his knee. Show goes to help him up, and Jericho tries to sneak back into the ring before the 10 count. Show prevents that from happening and gets back in the ring himself for the count out victory.
Maria Menudos is standing by with Legacy. She asks how they’re doing and if they should be on team RAW at Bragging Rights. They both think they should be. There will be a triple threat match later tonight, and the winner will be on Team RAW. It’s Rhodes vs. DiBiase vs. Cena.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
From the Twitterverse:
@leomc2: what a waste of 30 minutes that was #wwe #raw
@dasharpshooters: John Cena wants to qualify? dude is in a IRON MAN MATCH. #supercena #wwe #raw
The Indiana Pacers are in the house. And The Diva’s Champion is here – out first for a title defense. Tradition be damned. Apparently, Mickie James’ challenger is Jillian. How the hell did that happen?
Jillian Hall def. Mickie James to become the new WWE Diva’s Champion?!?
Um. What? Jillian just beat Mickie James to become the Diva’s Champion? Mickie had her foot on the ropes, but I guess it counts.
From Twitter: @SanzJohnson: since jill the new champ, hopefully she can get a new theme, outfit, and face! #WWE #RAW
Jillian decides to sing Lady GuyGuy’s song “Paparazzi.” She’s interrupted by the sounds of Lenny Kravitz’ version of “American Woman,” which brings out Nancy O’Dell. She made a major Diva’s trade over the weekend. Jillian is still on RAW. The bad news for her is that she has to defend her Diva’s Championship against RAW’s newest Diva right now. She knows a thing or two about paparazzi… MELINA IS BACK ON RAW! Jillian scrambles to put her belt around her waist before Melina gets to the ring.
Melina def. Jillian Hall to become the new WWE Diva’s Champion
Well, thanks for coming, Jillian. I wonder why Mickie dropped the title?
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
From Twitter: @BigD923: Thank you Melina, Jillian as Divas Champions would of sucked!!! #WWE #RAW
@steverechtman: Between Nancy O’Dell and Maria Menunos, this is some of the best mic work that the #WWE had had in a very long time. #Raw
Snoop Dogg is the guest host for next week’s RAW.
Triple H is talking to a cardboard cutout of HBK. Actually, he’s talking to him on speaker phone. Shawn’s music starts playing, and Hornswoggle comes out dressed like HBK! Shawn says he’s not watching and he’s going into the living room to see what’s going on. Triple H says it’s gimmick infringement, and Hornswoggle hits sweet shin music on the HBK cutout. Triple H tries to save him, but Hornswoggle knocks The Game down and gives him a crotch chop.
Full details of the Diva trade will be available on WWE.com after RAW tonight
Santino is with Nancy O’Dell, who is the Sexy Superfan of the Month from WWE Magazine. Santino does his best anchor work when Beth Phoenix comes in and shoves him out of the way. She says that she heard she’s been traded to SmackDown. Phoenix pretty much says she’ll kick O’Dell and Menoudos’ asses. Santino says that Maria isn’t scared, she’d compete against Phoenix in some kind of match tonight. Santino says it’s official while O’Dell tries to tell him it’s a bad idea. Santino says he faked every “organism” with Beth Phoenix in the past.
Last Week: An Iron Man Match was made for Bragging Rights
From Twitter: @DCsPeoplesChamp: Why do they keep Hornswaggle around? #midgetfail
@WellYoureWrong: Okay, how drunk and or high do you have to be to sit through Cena Vs Orton for an Hour? #wwe
@ANDaniloTheRef: Beth to SD!? I can only imagine the Matches she could have against Natalya but, the Matches ain’t gonna happen. Damn Bikini Models! #WWE
WrestleMania 26 Tickets go on sale in 26 days.
Legacy make their way out for their triple threat match. John Cena comes out and we’re ready for action.
John Cena vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase
The idea here is that Legacy are going to try and soften up Cena for his Iron Man Match at Bragging Rights, but they still want to win and get onto team RAW for Bragging Rights. Orton came out and distracted Cena while he had DiBiase in an STF, and Rhodes rolled DiBiase up for the pinfall.
DiBiase isn’t thrilled with being pinned, and Orton tries to get them to calm down, and Nancy O’Dell makes a match for later tonight – Legacy vs. John Cena and Randy Orton.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
From Twitter:
@HandsomeGenius: #Raw – The they could team Rhodes with Chavo Geurrero and keep the Legacy gimmick alive. (This tweet is far-fetched.)
@johnnyz4282: So that was our first real match of the evening. Time, 10:13pm #wwe
@WellYoureWrong: I’m not a big Legacy fan but Cena didn’t win so, I approve.
The Indianapolis Colts are here, and we’ve got a Bragging Rights qualifying match set for one fall. First, it’s the All-American American Jack Swagger, who has guaranteed he won’t lose a match for the rest of the year. His opponent tonight is a former United States Champion, MVP!
Jack Swagger vs. MVP
Swagger actually won this one pretty easily. Impressive victory for the All-American American.
So far, team RAW is DX, Big Show, Cody Rhodes, and Jack Swagger.
Legacy are still arguing backstage. Orton says he won’t team with Cena and he won’t let O’Dell tell him what to do. He’s not going to let himself get tagged in, so it’ll be a handicapped match. DiBiase says that Rhodes is thinking what it would mean to pin both DiBiase and Orton in one night. Rhodes says that DiBiase is thinking that he can redeem himself by pinning Orton tonight. Orton says if that’s what they’re thinking, they’d better keep thinking.
Kofi Kingston makes his way out for a Bragging Rights qualifier. His opponent tonight is the high flying Evan Bourne.
Kofi Kingston vs. Evan Bourne
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
From the Twitterverse:
@aemckay: Kofi Kingston vs Evan Bourne? Wow. This is going to be awesome.
@NekoEyes: Evan Bourne’s theme music is KA!
@MigotoShiShi: Evan Bourne looks like Cody Rhodes and The Miz’s love child…
Back from break, the match is underway. A hard fought match, but Bourne gets caught with a Trouble In Paradise kick, giving Kofi the victory, and qualifiying him for Bragging Rights.
The RAW team is now Big Show, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Cody Rhodes, Jack Swagger, and Kofi Kingston. Mark Henry and Chris Masters will have the final qualifier this Thursday on Superstars.
Triple H is still talking to Shawn Michaels when Nancy O’Dell and Maria Menoudos come in, shill the book, and ask if Maria is ready for her match tonight. Chavo comes in and asks what’s up with Triple H and Hornswoggle. He thinks it’s a conspiracy. Triple H says he doesn’t like the troll anymore than Chavo does. Chavo says he should be the captain of the RAW team. Triple H has Menoudos kick him in the balls. HBK says if you’re not down with that, they’ve got two words for you.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
From twitter:
@SanzJohnson: chavo isnt a stuntman anymore..he’s on crash test dummy level #WWE #RAW
@WellYoureWrong: If you wearing the PPV T-Shirt, You’re not going to be on said PPV. #wwe
@BradMilner: Poor Chavo … he’d give anything to be opening on Nitro again
It’s time for 6 Diva tag team action. Beth Phoenix and her team (Alicia Fox and Roza Mendez) are already in the ring. Their opponents are Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, and Maria Menoudos. Before the match we get a sneak peek at Menoudos’ new movie, “Serial Buddies.”
Maria Menoudos, Kelly Kell, and Gail Kim def. Beth Phoenix, Alica Fox, and Rosa Mendez.
I stopped paying attention for a second and I missed the end of the match, but I know the faces won.
Later tonight, it’s Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase against Randy Orton and John Cena!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
As is customary on Monday Nights, I’ve got to take off and won’t be able to watch the RAW main event. I’ll turn it over to this week’s BWF guest host, Drowgoddess. Take it away, Drow!
Hi!
We get a recap of The Miz (and he’s awesome!) winning the US title from Kofi Kingston. Then we actually get The Miz, title and mic in hand. He tells us to show some respect to the new United States Champion. He asks if he’s bragging too much, and says to get used to it. At “Bragging Rights,” The US Champ from RAW faces the Intercontinental Champ from Smackdown, John Morrison. John Morrison was nothing more than a hairdo with abs. The Miz was the talent of their tag team. Morrison is the new Richard Simmons, who will wear bedazzled tank tops and hang out with 400-pound women while the Miz is the face of the biggest company in the world. Any promo by The Miz is, of course, AWESOME!
Cole and Lawler run down the matches from Smackdown that will be on the ppv card, then push the Cena/Orton 60-minute Iron man match.
Randy Orton & John Cena vs. Legacy: Orton enters first. We go to commercial. When we return, Legacy is already in the ring. Orton has the mic, and says that he just got off the phone with Snoop Dogg, next week’s guest host. Snoop agreed that since it may be Cena’s last RAW, Cena will compete in one of the biggest matches of his career next Monday night. Cena enters, and the roof is blown off. Orton jumps down off the apron and stares at Cena. Legacy bicker in their corner before DiBiase and Cena lock up. Actual mat grappling for a bit. DiBiase drives Cena into the corner with kicks and punches, and Rhodes wrenches Cena’s neck. Legacy double-teams Cena. DiBiase and Cena again. Punches fly. Rhodes locks in a variation of the Camel Clutch on Cena. After this match, we will learn who Cena’s opponent next week is. Rhodes works the submission holds, but Cena stands and plants Rhodes. Cena tags Orton in when Orton glances down, and Cena stays far away from Orton. Orton has to wrestle Rhodes, and Rhodes tries to pin Orton! Cena loves it, and Orton is surprised. DiBiase tags in and tries to pin Orton repeatedly. Orton tags Cena in, and they make constipated faces at each other. Cena lays out DiBiase, and prepares for the Attitude Adjustment, but Orton tags in right then. DiBiase tags in, and pins Orton! Orton is livid and stunned. Cena waits for Orton, and hits him with the Attitude Adjustment when he finally turns around.
Winners: Legacy (Ted DiBiase Jr. pinned Randy Orton)
The huge announcement of John Cena’s opponent for his possible last match ever on RAW? Triple H. No, really, it is.
Peace out!
(P.S. from ThinkSoJoE – thanks to all of you from the Twitterverse who kept me entertained through this show!)
Why, hello everybody. I am actually getting Superstars done on the actual night Superstars airs. No time like the present!
Match 1: Ted DiBiase vs Evan Bourne
TD2 comes out and dedicates the match to Cody Rhodes. Ted pounds on AirBourne at the start of the match. Evan kicks DiBiase out of the ring and hits a high-flying move off the top rope to the outside. Bourne goes to the well one too many times and DiBiase catches him and throws him into the barricade as Superstars goes to commercial. Back from commercial, TD2 has Bourne in a headlock on the mat. Ted continues to issue a beating on the much smaller Evan Bourne. DiBiase lands a picture perfect dropkick…ala Randy Orton. As Bourne fights back, DiBiase hits a clothesline that sends Bourne airborne into a flip…pun intended. Evan Bourne keeps fighting and hits his usual offense and as he goes for a flying kick, DiBiase ducks and hits DreamStreet for the win.
Ted DiBiase needs to figure into the title picture at some point. This guy is Randy Orton 2.0!
Ask the Divas segment. God…Jillian is so ugly!
Match 2: Sheamus vs Shelton Benjamin
Shelton comes out with his shoulder wrapped. Sheamus starts out focussing on Shelton’s injured shoulder, but Shelton forces the action outside and is baited into the ring post. As the action re-enters the ring, Sheamus rams Shelton’s shoulder into the post again and again. The match turns technical, as Sheamus applies an armbar and arm DDT. Sheamus rips off the wrapping and continues to work on the Gold Standard’s shoulder. The crowd is absolutely dead during this match. Shelton gets to the ropes and Sheamus continues the beating, resulting in a DQ and win for Benjamin. As the ref is aiding Shelton back to his feet, the Celtic Warrior nails him with a big boot.
Josh Matthews interviews the Hard Dynasty in the Locker area.
Main Event: The Hart Dynasty vs Cryme Tyme
Eve is hot but she needs to quit dancing when she comes out with Cryme Tyme…she looks really idiotic. JTG and Tyson Kidd start it off and Kidd mocks JTG. Very nice athletic chains and counters are applied until tags bring in Shad and David Hart Smith. Here come the power punches and high impact spots. DH tags in Kidd and Shad fights out of the double team and sends Tyson Kidd out to the floor. Shad jumps off the mat and hits a clothesline on both members of the Hart Dynasty, as we go to the last commercial of the evening. Back from commercial, JTG attempts a pin on Kidd and gets a twoooooooooo. DH gets the tag in, but cannot overpower the smaller JTG. With the refs back turned, Tyson Kidd comes out of nowhere to dropkick JTG into the outside ringpost. This allows DH to get his power spots in. Respective tags get Shad and Kidd into the ring and Shad gets his power spots in on Tyson Kidd. Kidd makes the tag and goes for the Hart Attack, but JTG grabs the leg and trips him. Shad then hits the Thugnificent and Cryme Tyme gets the win.
This was a rather entertaining show for a Superstars airing. Come back next week and join me again for another WWE Superstars!
This is my unexpected return to the BWF family, due to taking time off from my usual Wednesday column. I didn’t plan this, but the usual iMPACT Goddess is away, and other difficulties means, I, will be taking over duties for one-night only. This does mean I won’t be returning on Wednesdays just yet.
Cue the Kotter. Join me at the top of the hour.
Welcome to the show they call iMPACT, even though it doesn’t even make an impression. I am the one they call ‘Your Legend Killer’, filling in for Drow. It’s time to Cross The Line!!
No opening, just a promo video for Abyss/Foley, followed by the Monster entering the ring with his friends from home. His friends are thumbtacks. Abyss must be lonely. However, his loneliness doesn’t seem to affect him however, as he challenges Foley to a Monster’s Ball match at Bound For Glory. Enter the Dude.
Cactus enters the ring, and starts talking, before Abyss gets all angry in his face. Mankind called him a cheap knock-off last week. Abyss is a cheap knock-off, of Kane. The mask, the hair. That is Kane. The one in WWE isnt who he says he is. Abyss says he’s Hardcore, and Foley isn’t. Now Foley’s the cheap knock-off, because he’s only half the man he used to be. Technically, he used to be four people, so wouldnt be only be one-quarter of what he once was? Anyways, Foley’s bringing his A Game, whereas Abyss can’t use thumbtacks. Miccles makes Dr. Stevie as referee for the Monster’s Ball. Enter the Richards.
Stevie enters with Daffney (somewhere THE GT is at the very least drooling). Abyss’ mother didn’t love him. Enter the Lauren. Abyss’ apparent girlfriend, or as Stevie says, his ‘twenty dollar a-night street walker’. Daffney low blows Abyss, after he tries to attack Stevie, and between the two former ECW wrestlers, they team up to take out the Monster, until the Blueprint enters to save the day.
To the back, with JB!! He’s with Eric Young. He declares victory against the Main Event Mafia. I declare somebody kill Eric Young. Hernandez isn’t your brother Eric, look at him, he’s Latino, and he’s a different skin colour. Unless your mother sleeps around Mr. Young, then somehow I don’t think he’s your brother.
We return … to the back, with JB!! He’s with Kurt Angle. The World Elite declare they are the biggest force in TNA now. Angle declares a 30,00 hit on EY. You suck, EY! Your gonna die.
MATCH#1: TNA LEGENDS CHAMPIONSHIP
Kevin Nash (c) vs. Hernandez
Peer Pressure? I thought that was only a teenage thing, you’d hear in high school. Enter the Diesel. He shares a birthday with two very famous people. One, is myself. The other? OJ. Yes, Big Sexy, myself, and OJ Simpson.
Kev gains the early advantage, until Hernandez greets Nash to the ring post on the outside, then the barricade. Hernandez starting to dominate his slow opponent, until EY comes down, and takes out Hernandez with a Piledriver. Apparently, Nash owes EY. Probably with an a$$-kicking, but he owes him none-the-less.
Abyss and Matt Morgan look at each other with that awkwardness you get when you are face to face with the girl you’ve liked for so long. They aint gonna be besties. Abyss has no friends. What does Lauren see in him? He wears a mask, and has no friends.
Look, it’s Eric Young, and Kevin Nash. Eric wants to give Nash 60K to help him take out Hernandez. It’s now a triple threat between Young, Hernandez and Nash for the Legends Title at BFG. Hernandez fakes a neck injury, then speaks gibberish on the mic.
MATCH#2: TNA X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP
Samoa Joe (c) vs. Amazing Red
Earl Hebner does NOT have a Hitler moustache. Red gets in about two kicks worth of offence, before Samoa Joe eats him like he’s the appetizer. The man who stole Springsteen’s gimmick comes out, and distracts Joe, allowing Red to attack from behind. Joe doesn’t like it when his food plays with him, so he tenderizes it some more. Then he wants to eat Lashley as well. Black Lesnar drills Joe, meanwhile Red is doooown. But Red is up, and with a 450, and a Flip pin later …
YOUR WINNER AND NEW X-DIVISION CHAMPION: Amazing Red
So the skinny guy takes the title, and Joe is left hungry. That’s not good for who Joe sees next. they’re about to lose an arm. At least.
We’re back, and Lauren interviews Amazing Red, which is actually Samoa Joe. Told you Joe would eat him. Joe screams at Lashley.
MATCH#3:
Daniels and Suicide vs. Homicide and ‘Pope’ D’Angelo Dinero
Daniels and Suicide, were once the same person. Strangely enough, so were Homicide and the Pope. Dinero beats down Suicide. I haven’t seen any offence by Suicide yet. Which isnt ironic, because Suicide normally leads to death and non-movement, which would mean, technically, if someone was to commit sexual acts with Suicide, they would be committing an act of Necrophilia. Daniels gets the tag, and finally gives his team offence, until Homicide, breaks up a pin attempt. However, Homicide thinks that Spanish announcer Willie Urbina is a better opponent, than Daniels or Suicide, and starts attacking him. Homicide then screws Daniels out of the match, and gives the victory for Dinero.
YOUR WINNERS: D’Angelo Dinero and Homicide
To the back, with JB!! Kurt Angle and Kevin Nash backstage, wondering why EY is still standing. Nash said it was because he offered more money, then wondered why Kurt didnt offer triple. Angle’s off to talk to Foley.
This picture is 100% not doctored. Here’s the article.
We’re back, with Mike Tenay, Steiner/Booker, British Invasion, Team 3D and BEER MONEY!!!! These four will compete in a Ladder match, to determine the TNA and IWGP Tag Team champions. Booker T does his best impersonation of a monkey. Storm says he’s SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAMN LUCK!, which leads to an all-in brawl. Team 3D want wood. Me and James Storm have the same hat, not the exact same hat, but hats that look exactly the same. Roode lays Book on the table, then climbs the ladder. Sharmell gets in the way, and Rob Terry knocks Roode off. Team 3D take out Rob Terry, then Steiner and Booker send Brother Devon through the table. MEM hold the gold, and the Invasion don’t like that. Then the MEM brawl with the British Invasion and the Invasion hold all the gold.
COMMERCIAL: One of my favourite songs ever!
We return, to Velvet and Madison Rayne. Someone JT is drooling, and another commercial? WTF??
MATCH#4:
Beautiful People (Velvet Sky/Madison Rayne), Alyssa Flash and Traci Brooks vs. TNA KnockOuts Tag Team Champions (Taylor Wilde/Sarita), Christy Hemme and Hamada.
JT, THE GT, and Myself are all rather happy right about now. Just ask them. Nobody loves the Herpes or Hamada. I don’t understand Hamada, but who in their right wrong would want Herpes?
I only just found out this is an elimination match, when Christy got pinned and eliminated. Taylor Wilde’s face and sternum is driven hard into the canvas? No comment. Hamada and Alyssa Flash are brawling outside, and both get counted out. This leaves Taylor and Sarita, against the Beautiful People and Traci. Velvet Sky eliminates Taylor Wilde with a DDT, which leaves Sarita on her own. But Sarita pins Traci, and she gone! One on two, Sarita versus the Beautiful People. Ironically, it will be Taylor and Sarita putting the titles on the line against the Beautiful People. Velvet Sky gets pinned in a Small Package, leaving it one-on-one.
If Shawn Michaels can’t come back from 3-on-1, then why can Sarita. Alyssa Flash returns to distract the referee, as Lacey Von Erich takes out Sarita, for the easy victory for Madison Rayne.
YOUR WINNER: Madison Rayne
Lacey is taller than JB. To the back, in Foley’s office. Angle and Miccles. Angle doesn’t want games. Foley wants games. Scrabble? Monopoly perhaps? How about Pictionary? Burny Burny Cock Cock? No! No Ludo for the Dude, as Foley doesn’ t want games. King Kurt likes that attitude. The Stinger will join us after … yep, you guessed it.
Abyss and Matt Morgan want pain, as Abyss acts likes a school girl, then chants Mick over and over again off-screen, whilst panting. Foley was laying with Abyss’ barbed-wire bat.
Enter Sting. He’s not out here to perform ‘Message In A Bottle’, nor is he accompained by the Police to sing ‘Every Breath You Take’. He’s here to cut a promo on AJ Styles. Sting suffers from Spontaneous Combustion? Then let him explode in the middle of this promo. If Sting doesn’t meet his expectations, then that’s it. He gone.
Enter the Angle? Mr. 90 degrees has something to say. He thinks this show should be ‘the View’ instead. If that’s the case, then who would win? Barbara Walters or Kurt Angle? Neither of them would do the J-O-B? Kurt Angle’s gonna stay in the middle of the ring, until he gets a title shot. Is that gonna be during the matches as well? To Be The Man, You Gotta Beat … Kurt Angle? Thta’s not how it goes. Angle has his facts misconstrued. Kurt calls Sting a has-been, and tells him to retire. Both men get in each other’s face, and that awkwardness of love comes again, until security comes. However, this isnt love, as Kurt wants Sting to tap to the Shamrock Ankle Lock. Enter the Styles to save the day. Kurt wants a title shot, next week, on the three-hour iMPACT! AJ agrees. Kurt/Styles for the Title, next week.
We’re back, in the back, with Lauren, with AJ, who wants to prove his worthyness.
TNA KNOCKOUTS TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
Taylor Wilde/Sarita (c) vs. Beautiful People (Velvet Sky/Madison Rayne)
TNA LEGENDS CHAMPIONSHIP
Kevin Nash (c) vs. Hernandez vs. Eric Young
#1 CONTENDER FOR X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP
ULTIMATE X
D’Angelo Dinero vs. Suicide vs. Homicide vs. Daniels
TNA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS/IWGP TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
LADDER MATCH
Main Event Mafia (Scott Steiner/Booker T) (TNA tag) vs. British Invasion (Doug Williams/Brutus Magnus) (IWGP Champs) vs. Team 3D (Brother Ray/Brother Devon) vs. Beer Money Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode)
MONSTER’S BALL
Mick Foley vs. Abyss
Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan
TNA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
AJ Styles (c) vs. Sting
Samoa Joe is off somewhere. probably to commercial.
Enter the MotorCity Machine Guns. They’re doing things Machine Guns style. Their music made Consequences Creed throw up last week. They’re here to debut their new video. As it’s playing, Samoa Joe comes to eat the MotorCity boys, then heads to the ring to call out Lashley, so he can eat him too. Enter the Springsteen. Joe confronts the Boss, and off they brawl. Hellloooooo, Spanish Announce Table. Run Hugo Run!!!! TNA playing a card out of the WWE playbook, as Joe heads up the scaffold, through a Kurt Angle trading card, and puts Lashley through the Spanish table.
We return, with Lashley recovering, then go again …
We return again, with several replays of the Spanish Announce Table disintegrate under the weight of Lashley and Joe. Bobby Lashley is dead. He won’t be missed.
MATCH#5: TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPIONSHIP
ODB (c) vs. Tara
This is the first match in god-knows how long on this show, I had to scroll up, just to see what number match it was. Just think JT, you could be dating the Champion right now.
Women’s matches don’t interest me much. Whether they’re KnockOuts or Divas. Even if Tara is the Triple H of TNA, according to her merchandise. However, it’s Awesome Kong with the Sledgehammer, and she threatens to eat So Cal Val, unless she is given the spider. Kong to play Spider Croquet, but Tara won’t let her, which allows ODB to get the fall.
YOUR WINNER: ODB
Kurt, Miccles and Foley’s invisible friend are ready.
We return to the music of Foley. No, not that one. Not that either. Keep going. Almost There. Finally.
MAIN EVENT:
Mick Foley w/Dr. Stevie w/Daffney and Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan and Abyss
The referee throws out Stevie and Daffney even before Angle’s music plays.
Foley wants none of Abyss, and tags in Angle. Abyss eats Barbed Wire bat, and now Foley wants in. Abyss tries to gain advantage, but Foley stops that, and tags back in Angle. AngleSlam countered by Abyss. Morgan gets the tag, and takes on Angle, until Foley comes in. All four in now, until Abyss clotheslines Angle to the outside. Foley with the sock, no says Abyss as he uses the bat, Morgan with the Carbon Footprint, and that’s a quick Main Event.
YOUR WINNERS: Matt Morgan and Abyss
That’s all for iMPACT this week .. or is it?
10 days until Hell in a Cell. That means 2 more Superstars to review. Lets get the first one out of the way.
Match 1: The Masterpiece Chris Master vs Primo Colon
Its time to start pushing Chris Masters into something big. This guy is huge! Primo is a very good inhancement talent. Masters should not be losing to Primo, but I understand that Primo can’t job every week and needs some credibility for himself. Primo wins this with a quick roll up. This is fine with me, as Masters was not made to look weak in the loss. Primo is always fun to watch and he has so much more talent than Carlito, but I still see Carlito as having more to offer. Go figure.
Match 2: Goldust vs William Regal
Lord Regal’s court follows him to the ring in this one. Big Zeke is a star! Kozlov not so much, but he is ginormous too. Should Goldust still be called Goldust if his ring attire is more black than gold? Goldust wins this one via DQ. Kozlov and Ezekial Jackson help Regal dismantle Goldust. Christian, Tommy Dreamer and Yoshi Tatsu rush to the ring to save the Golden one.
Match 3: Michelle McCool and Layla vs Maria and Melina
If you have missed it, over the last few weeks Maria and Melina have been on the outs, as Maria thinks Melina has been trying to sabotage her relationship with Mr. Ziggles. Early on, Maria and Melina seem to be on the same page. Michelle McCool hits a big boot to Maria’s face and Layla gets the pin. After the match, Maria wants nothing to do with Melina. This proves that good booking and creative writing can make women’s matches interesting.
Ask the divas segment. Who cares?!
Main Event: Matt Hardy vs Kane
Matt just doesn’t do it for me at all. He is out of shape, doesn’t speak well, and can’t do the things he used to be able to. Kane, however, should be a main event heel on Smackdown right now, but the fans will always love him too. Why are the fans behind Matt so much? Is it because he is Jeff’s brother? He certainly isn’t exciting to watch or listen to anymore. Matt wins via DQ as Kane straddles Matt on the ropes several times and then delivers a Chokeslam for good measure. Even after leaving Matt in a heaping pile in the ring, the fans still popped for Kane as he left the ring.
Thanks for checking out the review this week. Join me next week as I will also give my HIAC predictions.
TNA “No Surrender” Predictions
World Heavyweight Championship match
Sting vs. AJ Styles vs. Matt Morgan vs. Kurt Angle (ch)
JT: Matt Morgan – TNA needs to go for it and put the belt on him now. He wins by pinning either Sting or AJ Styles.
ThinkSoJoE: Gotta go with Angle here – Sting and AJ are “Bound for Glory” bound, Morgan isn’t ready for it yet.
The Green Teabagger: Matt Morgan reveals he was with Angle all along and helps Angle retain The Precious. Sounds like another addition to The Intro!
Legend Killer: Kurt Angle. Do you really see Matt Morgan winning?
Drowgoddess: AJ Styles to win, because he and Sting can still fight at BFG with AJ being the champ. The guy carried the company since the very first day, and he is long overdue to have the gold that proves it. AJ is not the future of wrestling, he has been the present of wrestling for the past seven years. I just hope against hope that Matt Morgan doesn’t turn out to be on Angle’s side after all. For one thing, we’ve already seen that when Samoa Joe joined the MEM and handed Angle the title. For the other thing, people are going crazy in a good way over Morgan blatantly playing games with Angle, and a swerve for the sake of a swerve will only destroy Morgan’s momentum and connection with the fans.
“The Boss” Bobby Lashley vs. “The War Machine” Rhino
JT: Lashley – It’s his first ppv match since joining TNA, no way he’s gonna lose.
ThinkSoJoE: Lashley. They’re going to put that much hype behind the Bruce Springsteen wannabe to have him job to the War Machine? Psh.
The Green Teabagger: Yeah, like Rhino has a chance. Rhino was forgotten until they needed someone to take a dive for a part-timer. Reality check: Barring injury, stupid shit, or Angle getting thrown in jail, the main event at BFG 5 is Angle-Lashley for the title. Lashley is going into that undefeated, but it will probably be his third match in TNA. Next month, he’ll probably be facing Homicide.
Legend Killer: Black Lesnar. Have this guy, that you’re hyping up to be the cornerstone of the company, then have him lose in his first match.
Drowgoddess: Everybody, even a pygmy deaf-mute in the Amazonian rain forest, knows that Lashley is winning this match. Lashley is the latest ex-WWE savior of TNA, and as such, will be absolutely dominant until he finally fights Kurt Angle.
X-Division Championship match
Daniels vs. Samoa Joe (ch)
JT: Joe – Wait, is this a feud??? Wow, this shows how much attention I pay to iMPACT! every week. I don’t see Samoa Joe losing the title anytime soon.
ThinkSoJoE: Joe. For no other reason than Joe is gonna kill you.
The Green Teabagger: I’d like Daniels to win the title and go on to a feud with The Pope D’Angelo Dinero. Right, like the MEM is giving up a belt, but this would be the one they lose if they do lose any of them anytime soon. Samoa Joe retains.
Legend Killer: Samoa Joe. Daniels wants to bring the X-Division back, but Joe’s only held the belt a month.
Drowgoddess: I could go either way in this match and be happy, but Samoa Joe retains here. Daniels SHOULD win the X-Division title, but the timing may not be right.
“Lethal Lockdown” tag team cage match
Beer Money vs. The British Invasion vs. Team 3D vs. Scott Steiner & Booker T (ch)
JT: British Invasion – There’s a Lethal Lockdown match??? I seriously didn’t know about this one until this week’s iMPACT!, but since they’re trying to tease a feud between the MEM and the British Invasion, I’ll go with them.
ThinkSoJoE: BEER MONEY!
The Green Teabagger: No titles are on the line, so Beer Money and Team 3-D win this match. That way, it looks “balanced.” :/
Legend Killer: Team 3D and Beer Money Inc. Three words. Beer Money Inc.
Drowgoddess: I’m still confused about this match. I thought that it was a four-way match for the tag team titles in a cage, under “Lethal Lockdown” rules. Now, it seems to be a non-title match with two teams of four. The website and the tv program are not in alignment on this! Either Beer Money wins or The British Invasion (in the form of Brutus Magnus) steals a third pin and victory from Steiner and Booker.
“$50,000 Bounty vs. Legends Championship” match
Abyss vs. Kevin Nash (ch)
JT: Nash (as long as he doesn’t get injured walking to the ring or boning fat chicks) – Dr. Stevie gets involved, Nash wins.
ThinkSoJoE: If the title is on the line, Nash. If not, Abyss.
The Green Teabagger: I want Abyss to win the Legends Title. That said, I almost expect Foley to either insert himself into this match at the last moment to make it a Triple Threat. Either way, if Nash shows up, he wins.
Legend Killer: Abyss. You watch Foley interfere in this one. I say Abyss, just so it pisses off Foley. However, Nash claims the bounty.
Drowgoddess: I’m not terribly excited about this match. No way is Nash losing. Mick Foley and Dr. Stevie will likely get involved, somehow.
Knockouts Championship match (title is held up)
ODB vs. Cody Deaner
JT: ODB – The women’s title should be on a woman, not a man, enough said.
ThinkSoJoE: Given the fact that every Knockout beat the crap out of Deaner this past Thursday, going with ODB.
The Green Teabagger: If there is a just and loving God, ODB will win this match. I’m still picking Cody Deaner because Russo has the book.
Legend Killer: Cody Deaner. Because TNA are that retarded to do that.
Drowgoddess: ODB has got to win. End this horribly unfunny abomination of allowing Cody Deaner to cheapen a title that actually did mean something!
Finals of the Knockouts tag team championship tournament
The Beautiful People vs. Taylor Wilde & Sarita
JT: The Beautiful People – Don’t really have a reason why, just picking them.
ThinkSoJoE: I’m going with Taylor and Sarita for the sheer fact that Angelina Love won’t be there.
The Green Teabagger: The Beautiful People….Vel Vel and 🙁 Madison Rayne, subbing for Angelina Love. Because it’s as close to the assumed original plan as they can, Rayne and Vel Vel with the Knockouts Tag Team Titles. They will still be more legit tag champions than The British Invasion.
Legend Killer: Taylor/Sarita. Considering one of their opponents no longer works for the company, I’d say it’s a good bet.
Drowgoddess: Taylor Wilde and Sarita should win, but the only reason that Madison Rayne got back together with The Beautiful People is because Angelina Love won’t be at the ppv. That’s quite a lot of trouble to go to unless the only plan is to have The Beautiful People win. Therefore, I’m predicting a Velvet Sky/Madison Rayne victory.
Grudge match
Eric Young vs. Hernandez
JT: Hernandez – I think everyone knows how much I hate Eric Young, so yeah, my pick might be a little biased, but I’m sticking to it.
ThinkSoJoE: EY will take this one, likely with help from Homicide.
The Green Teabagger: Eric Young wins with a combination of cheating, chairs, and a piledriver. JT will probably say, “Fuck Eric Young!” before, during, and after. I will be watching the New York Giants dissect the Dallas Cowboys.
Legend Killer: Hernandez. Even with Homicide in his corner, the chum for Team Canada has no chance.
Drowgoddess: I don’t hate Eric Young. I think he’s doing the best work of his career, and the “cheap knock-off of Chris Jericho” accusations really aren’t fair. Hernandez has destroyed all of World Elite that have challenged him thus far, so Eric Young has to win, by hook or by crook.
The BWF staff has spoken! Join us for full coverage of “No Surrender,” and see who was right.
Oh yeah…Superstars time!
Match 1: Chris Masters vs Santino
Santino got a huge pop when he came out. Masters gets the win with the Masterlock. Santino is pure gold though.
Match 2: Christian vs Paul Burchill
Christian is the man! Respect the champ, Peeps!!!! Zack Ryder is doing guest commentary. Apparently Ryder has tanned everyday this week. He also sent out a shoutout to his girlfriend…xoxo. Captain Charisma gets the win via the Unprettier. I know its called the Killswitch now, but it will always be the Unprettier to me.
Josh Matthews interviews Randy Orton. He says he will make John Cena suffer at HIAC and become WWE Champ yet again.
Main Event: Dolph Ziggler vs Finlay
Mr. Ziggles gets the win after an eye rake and his Zig Zag.
Thats it for this week. Check out next week. PEACE OUT!!
It’s line-crossing time!!!
Let’s cross the line, peeps!
“Last Chance to Surrender”
Really? To whom? Do I get to choose?
We open with a match! Excellent!
Match #1: Rhino vs. Sting: This match is part of the tournament to determine who joins Matt Morgan and Kurt Angle in the 4-way main event title match at “No Surrender.” Rhino assaults Sting with a barrage of punches and power. Sting gets Rhino in the Scorpion Death Lock, but Sting can’t even sit down into it anymore. Rhino gets Sting in a body scissors, but Sting refuses to tap out. Rhino lands some stiff chops on Sting. Rhino hits a belly to belly suplex. Rhino goes for a Gore, but Sting dodges it, and plants Rhino with the Scorpion Death Drop. Sting gets the pin and the three count. Sting advances in the tournament. Rhino lays Sting flat with another Gore post-match. The crowd chants “You suck!” Rhino flips off the crowd.
A recap of Rhino’s poat-match assault on Sting. AJ Styles and the TNA trainer see to Sting, and Sting may have cracked ribs.
To the Main Event Mafia locker room. Booker T babbles incoherently. Something about Matt Morgan. Kurt Angle talks about having to fight Morgan. Kip James is trying to put in phone lines. Booker babbles more. He needs to stop. Booker insults Kip, and Kip leaves. Scott Steiner tries to talk down Booker. They continue playing putt-putt golf.
Match #2: Chris Sabin (w/ Alex Shelley) vs. AJ Styles: Some matches, you just have to sit back and enjoy. This is one such match. Just listing the moves doesn’t do it justice anyway. It was counter after counter after counter. AJ wins with the Styles Clash. Alex Shelley was gold on commentary with Tenay and Taz. It’s AJ who advances in the tournament to join the main event at the ppv. Sabin looked awesome in th ematch though. Not that I’m biased or anything….
To the back! Lauren talks to Hernandez about fighting Homicide in the tournament. Eric Young interrupts them. He tells Hernandez that his dreams were crushed, that people like them don’t get a fair shake. Young is going to open Hernandez’s eyes, that he is his brother.
Daniels, the Number One Contender to the X-Division title, hits the ring, and he has a mike. He calls out X-Division Champion Samoa Joe. I love Joe’s new music, even though it isn’t really new. Daniels remembers a time when TNA revolved around the X-Division and three men: Samoa Joe, Daniels, and AJ Styles. We remember that too, Daniels! The three of them became like family. “Unbreakable,” 2005. The first and only time that the X-Division title was defended in the main event of a TNA ppv. The match involved those three, and that night set everything for TNA at the highest level. Joe is bored and tries to leave, but Daniels stops him. Daniels says that the MEM is afraid of Joe. Joe took the money from the MEM and threw away his friendships and his integrity. Daniels asks how Joe’s wife and son can respect him. Joe snaps and throws Daniels over in a brutal suplex.
To the back! Lauren interviews Matt Morgan. Morgan says that he and Kurt Angle have each other’s backs, and all is great with them.
Match #3: Suicide vs. Doug Williams: This is the third tournament match to determine who gets in the main event title match at the ppv. Doug Williams goes for power and technical mat work. Suicide counters with a more high-flying style. Poor Williams didn’t even get an entrance. Lots of “USA!” chants at Williams. Williams overpowers Suicide, chokes him in the ropes, and otherwise tries to ground the masked man. A snap suplex gets Williams a two-count. Suicide fights back with punches, and lands a dropkick on Williams. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero comes down and Suicide hits a flying cross body on him. Dinero’s distraction allows Williams to land the Chaos Theory suplex on Suicide and get the pin and win. Doug Williams advances.
To the back! Jeremy Borash talks to Sting about his injured ribs, and Sting not being in his prime. Sting knows that this is his last chance, and he’s going to take it.
The Beautiful People sit on their thrones backstage.
To the back! Lauren interviews The Beautiful People, who don’t care who Madison Rayne’s tag team partner is next week. They’re going to beat Madison Rayne with the ugly stick.
Match #4: Sojourner Bolt and Hamada vs. Christy Hemme and Tara: Tara and Hamada start. The action between Hamada and Tara is great! Hamada tags in Bolt, and Tara throws her around a bit before tagging in Hemme. Hemme gets a two-count on Bolt, and Hamada tags in. We cut to a commercial break. When we return, Bolt and Hemme are in. Tara tags in, and flattens Bolt with a clothesline. Tara gets the win with the Widow’s Peak. Post-match, Hamada plants Bolt with the Hamada Driver and leaves. Tara and Christy Hemme win.
To the back! JB asks Kurt Angle about Matt Morgan and mind games. Morgan comes up and claims that at the ppv, the world title match will come down to Morgan and Angle, and there will be no questions asked.
A video package detailing the history of LAX airs. This is the end of LAX. That makes me sad. We never got the big LAX vs MCMG tag team title feud that we should have gotten.
Match #5: Homicide vs. Hernandez: This is the last qualifying match for the World title match at the ppv. They shake hands and hug at the start. Hernandez powers down Homicide. Hernandez dominates the match, but Homicide counters with high-flying and scores a two-count. Hernandez recovers and dominates again. Hernandez gets the win after a hugely impressive slam. Homicide looks unhappy.
To the back! Lauren talks to the British Invasion. Doug Williams says that he will take on AJ alone, and talks him up with respect.
To the back! JB talks with AJ Styles about his upcoming match. AJ is rising from the ashes.
Kurt Angle comes out to commentary.
Match #6: AJ Styles vs. Doug Williams: This match determines one of the two competitors in the ppv main event match. This was another really good match that I just had to sit back and enjoy. Very technically sound. AJ wins after his reverse DDT from the top rope. Really good work.
To the back! Team 3D has Jesse Neal’s back.
Match #7: Hernandez vs. Sting: Not much here, as Homicide ran in and assaulted Sting in the ribs with a bat. Hernandez is disqualified, and Sting gets the win. Homicide is unmasked as Eric Young. Hernandez is very unhappy.
Hernandez is in the ring with the mic, and gets jumped by The British Invasion, followed shortly by the entirety of World Elite. AJ Styles rushes the ring, followed by Beer Money and Team 3D. Major brawling ensues. Team 3D and the audience yell about tables. JT is not here to get them. Bashir is about to go through a table when Booker T and Scott Steiner run down and help the heels turn the tide in their favor. The faces get demolished, and the MEM music plays.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Wow. Two great wrestling matches, one really good wrestling match, and a blistering Daniels promo. Chris Sabin looked awesome, even in defeat, and should call me at once. Alex Shelley was tremendous on commentary. Tara and Hamada can really go, and would have a great series of matches if allowed. Christy Hemme still can’t wrestle, and Sojourner Bolt is just there. AJ Styles lived up to his moniker again, and by all rights, should win at the ppv. He probably won’t, but he should. Doug Williams reminded everyone just how good he really is. Joe and Daniels built beautifully to their ppv match. Matt Morgan’s interaction with Kurt Angle was great. This was a very solid “Impact,” and I’m stoked about ordering the ppv, as well as next week’s show.
Check back with us at BWF for all your wrestling goodness!
Peace out,
Drowgoddess