I didn’t watch this PPV, and I’m refusing to. At first, I was refusing to watch because of the whole “submission matches without primarily submission wrestlers” thing. Now there’s another reason, but I’ll get to that at the end.
Chris Jericho & The Big Show def. MVP & Mark Henry to retain the Unified WWE Tag Team Championships. As if we didn’t see that coming.
Kofi Kingston def. The Miz to retain the WWE United States Championship. And the point of that was?
Legacy def. DX in a Submissions Count Anywhere match. Really? Wow! There’s some credibility for the two young guys there – which will no doubt be destroyed by Hell In A Cell next month.
Kane def. The Great Khali in a Singapore Cane Submission match. And people actually paid for this?
Christian def. William Regal to retain the ECW Championship. By Pinfall. On a submission themed Pay Per View. Where the main events are all supposed to be submission matches. In the ECW main event. Yup.
John Cena def. Randy Orton in an I Quit Match to win the WWE Championship. Great. Now we have to deal with Cena as the champion again.
The Undertaker def. CM Punk to win the World Heavyweight Championship – but wait, there’s more!
Teddy Long came out and announced the the Hell’s Gate submission was still technically banned, so the match had to be restarted…
CM Punk def. The Undertaker to retain the World Heavyweight Championship. Punk reversed a Last Ride into an Anaconda Vise, and the referee immediately called for the bell. Punk and the referee then bolted up the ramp to where Teddy Long was standing. Yes folks, another rehash of the Montreal Screwjob.
You know what, I’m sick of this crap. Every time the WWE is in Canada, they have to do some kind of screwjob angle. 2003 in Montreal with The Rock and Hulk Hogan. A few years back with Shane McMahon and Shawn Michaels. Look. The Bret Hart/Shawn Michaels thing happened in November of 1997. That’s nearly 12 years ago. The fact is, that wasn’t a storyline – that was real, or as they say in the business, a “shoot.” That pissed off a lot of people because Bret Hart was loved by the fans – especially the Canadian fans – and was legitimately screwed out of the WWF Championship. I get it, wink wink, nudge nudge, we screwed the fan favorite in Canada. It’s getting old. I get where you’re coming from with it, but enough is enough.
I also hate the whole gimmick PPV thing. John Cena, Randy Orton, The Undertaker, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, The Great Khali, and Kane are not names that spring to mind when you mention submission wrestling to me. And next month is Hell in a Cell. Because a John Cena/Randy Orton Hell in a Cell main event makes any sense. Really, to have, at the very least, two Hell in a Cell matches in one Pay Per View sort of diminishes the significance of the match. Same with the TLC Pay Per View coming up in December. These type of matches should be kept to one per year, maximum, and the guys in the matches should be guys who specialize in them. Undertaker or Triple H in Hell in the Cell, for example, or Edge, Christian, or Matt Hardy in TLC.
Given the lack of anything decent or new on the card, and the oh so cliche Montreal Screwjob ending, I’m glad I didn’t waste either my time or my money on this PPV.
Holy Crap! We have a Jimmy Wang Yang sighting. Kane totally destroys him, but he got tv time.
Match 2: Yoshi Tatsu vs Shaemus
Shaemus is becoming one of my favorites! This guy is huge and good, which usually doesn’t happen. Sheamus gets the win.
Match 3: Katie Lea vs Nikki Bella…or is it Bre?
The Bella’s use the ole switcharoo and Bre ends up pinning Katie Lea.
Match 4: Dolph Ziggler vs Slam Master J
Dolph gets the win here. Slam Master J would have been great in 2 Cool, but now his gimmick is terrible. He needs to restart the Freebirds. Why did the IC Title match get scrapped for Breaking Point?
Main Event: The Miz and Jack Swagger vs Kofi Kingston and Primo
The Miz gets the pin in this one. The Miz and Swagger should be main eventing PPVs by now.
Well, I guess it’s me reviewing the show this week, since Legend Killer refuses to watch any WWE programming. Ah well. Dusty Rhodes is hosting, Jericho is facing MVP, and The Big Show battles Mark Henry. Let’s go!
Last night, while security was detaining a fan, Randy Orton hit an RKO and pinned John Cena to retain the WWE Championship. It wasn’t really a fan, however, it was Ted DiBiase’s brother Brett. Orton says that Brett DiBiase’s actions were inexcusable, and Cody Rhodes points out that Orton would’ve won anyway.
Floyd “Money” Mayweather is our guest host tonight – but first, it’s the boss, look busy!
Mr. McMahon makes his way to the ring, and he seems to be in a good mood. He says that tonight’s guest host is one of the greatest showmen, one of the greatest fighter of all time, Floyd “Money” Mayweather! But before we get to that, the referee’s decision, despite the controversey, is final. It’s time to clear up that controversey, John Cena will get his rematch in about three weeks on a pay per view. It’s a brand new concept, aptly known as “Breaking Poing,” in which the main events are submission matches. Cena and Orton’s match will be an “I Quit” match. And if anybody interferes on behalf of Orton, he’ll immediately be stripped of the WWE Championship. Have a good night!
BREAK IT DOWN!
Before the chairman can leave ringside, Triple H and HBK, collectively known as Degeneration X, make their way to the ring. Mr. McMahon tells them to have a good night. Triple H says we probably expected them on a tank, but with the economy, they couldn’t afford it. He then says that he doesn’t like good guy Mr. McMahon. It’s creepy. Like Michael Vick at a PETA convention. HBK says it’s yucky. Triple H says there must be a reason he’s in a good mood. The boss says he knows where this is going. HBK asks if today is August 24th. He thinks somebody’s got a birthday. Triple H says it’s Dave Chappelle. HBK says to think whiter and crazier. Triple H says Marley Matlin. HBK says older and more incoherent. Triple H wonders who we know that’s old, crazy, and incoherent. Oh wait! It’s Vincent Kennedy McMahon’s 84th Birthday! The fans start chanting “84.” Triple H corrects himself and says it’s his 74th birthday. The fans chant “74.” Triple H says he’s actually 70. Mr. McMahon says “I’m 64!” Triple H and HBK are surprised that he told everybody how old he is. McMahon tells them to leave. HHH asks how many birthday’s he’s got left, especially in Vegas. HBK says that if he doesn’t want to have a happy birthday, it’s ok, because he’s a pioneer. Triple H says he was a real pioneer with the wagon and everything. HBK says no, he’s the reason we watch WWE Television. If he doesn’t want to have a happy birthday, it’s ok, but he wants to show him a tribute. It’s a nice touching tribute – until they play the clip of “Stand Back.” Then they show a bunch of Vince’s not so proud moments at the hands of not only DX, but Bobby Lashley, Steve Austin, Mae Young and others. McMahon says he won’t forget about this. Triple H says at his age he probably will forget about it, but he certainly won’t forget about this – a birthday cake is wheeled down to the ring as HBK starts singing “Happy Birthday.” Triple H interrupts and says something’s not right. This is Vegas. Anybody can have a cake, but in Vegas, things are done differently. HBK says that he’s been told that whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Triple H says that even if Mr. McMahon sends out memo not to mention his birthday, sometimes people just have to do it anyway. HBK says that he was roped into this, but anyway, you can’t have a Vegas birthday without showgirls. So of course, this brings out the Vegas showgirls. Mr. McMahon asks how much longer this is going to go on. Triple H says they also got him Cirque De Sole, and a couple of the Cirque De Soley pogo stilt guys come out. Mr. McMahon says their masks are really gay. Triple H makes fun of the guys bouncing around the ring, and Vince asks if they’re done. HBK says you can’t have a birthday in Vegas without the king of Rock and Roll, Elvis. An Elvis impersonator makes his way to the ring. McMahon calls him the skinniest Elvis he’s ever seen. Triple H hands him a microphone, and Elvis gives Mr. McMahon his sunglasses and leads everybody in singing Happy Birthday to the chairman. Triple H says he thinks Mr. McMahon should look at his cake – it’s no ordinary cake, if you get what he means. Some music starts playing, and Big Dick Johnson comes out of the cake. Mr. McMahon tosses him out of the ring, and says he’s had enough of this birthday crap. Triple H says there’s one more thing, and they kick out the showgirls, the Crique De Sole guys, and Elvis. HBK says he had nothing to do with this. Triple H says it’s a private thing so we should all close our eyes. He says he’s got one more present for Mr. McMahon. They position him in the ring as if something were going to drop on him, but Rhodes and DiBiase attack from behind. DX fend them off this time, and the WWE Champion appears on the top of the ramp. Triple H says that since Floyd Mayweather hasn’t gotten here yet, it’s going to be all three members of Legacy against DX and their partner, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Mr. McMahon says it’s no disqualification. He says he’s always wanted to do this part – “If you’re not down with that, we’ve got two words for ya!”
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Santino is already in the ring, which means he’s probably doing the J.O.B. His opponent tonight is The Miz… and he’s… AWESOME!
The Miz def. Santino
The Miz looks to be more focused than ever before, and more aggressive as well. Santino starts to build some momentum, but it just takes one mistake on his part for The Miz to hit the Skull Crushing Finale for the win.
After the match, The Miz takes a microphone, and he says he’s now one step closer to defeating Kofi Kingston to become the new United States Champion, because he’s The Miz… and he’s.. AWESOME!
There’s three Divas in boxing gear walking towards the ring. That can only mean one thing – dinnertime!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
I love it when the WWE does these “Did You Know” segments about having more viewers than Monday Night Football when it’s the pre-season, like it’s some kind of accomplishment.
This is a six-Diva cluster*(# “Mayweather Melee”
Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendez, & Alicia Fox def. Gail Kim, Mickie James, & Kelly Kelly
I’m not reviewing this crap. In fact, I didn’t watch it. I went and popped my dinner in the microwave and came back to Beth Phoenix’s team celebrating in the ring.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
HBK is concerned about the match later tonight. HHH is too concerned about The Rise and Fall of WCW DVD. HBK thought they only shilled their own merch. HHH says that they need to get Vince motivated to fight, and he should be absolutely fuming right about now. Backstage, Jillian is dressed like Marilyn Monroe and sings happy birthday to Mr. McMahon until he kicks her out.
Welllll – BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!
Last year, I went to WrestleMania, and I saw Floyd Mayweather knock out The Big Show with a pair of brass knucks. Here, let’s watch it again! Anyways, Big Show says that Mayweather is doing the right thing – he’s hiding from him. If Show gets his hands on him, he’s going to hurt him. He hasn’t forgotten about WrestleMania, and they have some unfinished business. Show says he’s not leaving the ring, and nobody can make him, until Mayweather shows up. Jericho says nobody can make him leave. It’s 9:52, and Floyd Mayweather finally strolls into the arena.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Big Show and Chris Jericho are awaiting the arrival of Floyd “Money” Mayweather. Lillian introduces him as the Quarter Billion Dollar Man. Floyd makes his way out to the ring with his entourage – and with a stack of money strapped to his arm for some reason. After milking his entrance for about 20 minutes, Mayweather gets in the ring, where he’s towered over by both The Big Show and Chris Jericho. Mayweather reminds Show about WrestleMania, and he says he’ll do it again tonight, but he’s got a September 19th PPV bout that’s more important. Mayweather gets in Jericho’s face. Jericho says that he was introduced as the greatest fighter in the world, but Jericho disagrees. He thinks he’s a great self promoter and a showboater, but he’s not that good of a boxer. He thinks, little man, that his big comeback fight against Juan Manuel Marquez, he’s going to get knocked out. Show says that after Marquez cleans his clock, maybe he and Jericho will step in the ring, take whats left, and wipe him from the face of the planet.
I’m Comin!
MVP makes his way to the stage, and tell Big Show and Jericho that he doesn’t appreciate them talking to Money Mayweather that way, since he’s made him a lot of money. Jericho may look up 16 syllable words in his Oxford Dictionary every week, but Mayweather could knock him out 37 times before he can open his mouth. Kinda like he did to The Big Show last year. Jericho points out that Mayweather did it with the help of 18 friends. MVP says Show could’ve done the same if he had any friends. Jericho says Show is his friend. MVP says the only reason Jericho’s on RAW is because he’s one half of the Unified Tag Team Champions. MVP wishes that somebody would beat them so they could send Jericho back to SmackDown. He asks Mayweather for a tag title shot with a partner of his choosing at Breaking Point. Mayweather says let’s do it tonight. He asks if MVP has a partner in mind. MVP says he does…
Somebody’s gonna get they ass kicked…
Mark Henry joins MVP on the stage, and it looks like we’ve got a tag title match coming up NEXT!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
MVP & Mark Henry def. Chris Jericho & The Big Show
This match is apparently not for the tag titles, but instead if MVP and Henry win, they get a tag title shot at Breaking Point. The Tag Champs keep control of this one by cutting the ring in half and using frequent tags to keep the fresh man in the ring. Gorilla Monsoon would be so proud. The champs are doing a great job of keeping MVP away from Mark Henry as we head to a…
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
MVP is still cut off from Mark Henry when we come back. The Unified Tag Team Champions are still dominating this match. MVP rolls out of the way of a Lionsault, and he manages to make the tag. Rather than tag out, Jericho goes straight at Henry. He goes for the Codebreaker, but Henry catches him. Henry goes for the World’s Strongest Slam, but Jericho reverses it into a DDT for a two count. Henry tags MVP back in, who takes Jericho down and hits the Ballin’ elbow for a two count. Jericho hits the running enziguri, but Henry breaks up the pin. He tosses The Big Show out of the ring, and Mayweather puts brass knucks on the hand of MVP, who uses them to knock out Chris Jericho for the win!
Big Show carries Jericho’s unconscious body out of the arena as Floyd Mayweather celebrates with MVP and Mark Henry.
Rhodes and the DiBiases are discussing how they have the advantage in their match tonight, since it’s no DQ. Orton comes in and dismisses Brett DiBiase. He tells the other members of Legacy that tonight, he’s going to take out Mr. McMahon for good.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Last week, Hornswoggle beat Chavo Guerrero with a little help from Kevin McCallister. This week, they’re going to have a boxing match. The referee tells Chavo he won’t need his gloves. He goes out of the ring and grabs some big glove boxing gloves. Chavo says he’s still gonna knock Hornswoggle out.
Hornswoggle def. Chavo Guerrero (again)
Chavo misses with a punch and Hornswoggle gets some body blows in. This happens a couple of times, and the third time, Hornswoggle gets a headshot, knocking Chavo down for a two or three count. Chavo takes his gloves off and bodyslams Hornswoggle, earning the disqualification.
After the match, Chavo climbs the ropes and is looking for the Frog Splash, when Evan Bourne comes out to make the save. He knocks Guerrero down and hits the Air Bourne before going to check on Hornswoggle.
Still to come, DX and Mr. McMahon vs. Legacy.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Mr. McMahon is warming up backstage with Floyd Mayweather when Carlito walks in and complains that he’s not on the show. Triple H comes in and says Mayweather’s doing a great job. Triple H then says something about getting busy with Stephanie, which prompts Mr. McMahon to knock Carlito out.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
ThinkSoJoE Note: Every week, much like RAW itself, we bring you a special guest host for the main event of RAW – for the sheer fact that I work a night job and cannot cover it myself. This week’s guest host is BWF’s Random Redhead, JT!
DX comes out first, I wonder if the cheers are real or fake?
Vince out next, crowd quiet.
Legacy out last, they walk to the ring slowly.
HBK is thrown out to Legacy.
Vince starts out with Rhodes
Then HBK, then HHH
Rhodes is all alone, is then thrown out to his buddies.
Commercial Break- Whopper Jr. is only $1. But the Tendercrisp is better.
Go see Halloween 2 or Michael Myers will come visit you.
Back
DiBiase has HHH in a headlock, but he fights out of it and hits DiBiase with a DDT
Tag to HBK who dominates DiBiase
Big elbow by HBK off the top rope.
Rhodes interferes
Orton tags in and stomps on HBK
Knee to the head be Orton
Tag to Rhodes, he dominates
HBK tries to fight out but is unsuccessful
Tag to Orton, the beatdown on HBK continues
Pin attempt-2
Orton headlock on HBK
HBK fights out
Tag to Rhodes, but HBK tags HHH
HHH dominates
Spinebuster, then Pedigree
tag to Vince
pin attempt-2
Orton tries to kink Vince in the head, HBK stops it
Orton tries to run, but Cena comes out
HBK hits Sweet Chin Music
Cena hits the F-U
Vince pins Orton
Your winners DX & Vince Mcmahon
We fade to black with Cena, DX and Vince McMahon standing tall.
Thanks, JT!
My Thoughts: I didn’t hate the opening segment. A lot of people that I talked to tonight did, but I’m not in that category. I actually laughed a couple of times, which is more than I can say about most RAW segments not involving Santino Marella in the last few months.
This “guest host pisses off The Big Show” thing has got to stop. Unless Shaq and Floyd Mayweather are going to be teaming up at whatever PPV is after Breaking Point to take on Jericho and The Big Show, I don’t see the point of it. Also, the same goes for Chavo Guerrero jobbing to Hornswoggle. I get it, the guest hosts are amused by Chavo’s inability to beat the little guy. It’s getting old.
Speaking of old, happy birthday, Mr. McMahon! BTW, Mr. McMahon, if you’re looking for writers for RAW that understand professional wrestling, I can recommend about five people…
It’s amazing really, I barely talked about the SummerSlam Pay-Per-View LIVE in about … 14 hours time, which means … it’s prediction time.
MVP vs. Jack Swagger
The man I call Dusty Rhodes gets the win. Listen to Swagger speak, then you’ll know.
Kane vs. the Great Khali
I can’t stand Khali, so I hope Kane wins. Then again, Kane needs the mask.
Unified Tag Team Championship: JeriShow (c) vs. Cryme Time
If Cryme Tyme win, then it will be a joke. Jericho and Show with the victory.
ECW Championship: Christian (c) vs. William Regal
William Regal. Sure, it will technically count as a Major Championship reign, but having he, Kozlov and Zeke as a stable on ECW, could be a really good thing. Especially, with the leader with the belt.
Intercontinental Championship: Rey Mysterio (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler
I can’t stand Rey. I couldn’t stand him as a Filthy Animal, and I can’t stand him now. Give Ziggler the win, even though he was a stupid name.
Legacy vs. D-Generation X
Legacy should win, however they won’t. DX pickup the win.
WWE Championship: Randy Orton (c) vs John Cena
Orton should retain. I hope the snipers come and shoot Cena.
World Heavyweight Championship: TLC: Jeff Hardy (c) vs CM Punk
Considering Hardy is leaving either at SummerSlam, or the week after. Punk will win. Punk should win. Vampiro doesn’t deserve it.
There you go, that’s who will win. I will be watching if I am awake. If the PPV is not up to scratch, then I wont be watching Floyd Mayweather Guest Host RAW.
It seems that Joe wants the week off, and with my power due to go off at any minute. I’m doing Real-Time this week, for the second week in three.
Stay tuned to BWF, as I watch NCIS.
The search for HBK is on! My guess is, he’s in a bar having a few brewskis. I know it’s never going to happen, but come on WWE, swerve us will you?
This RAW is from Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Where a certain someone was born to wrestle, and bred to win. All rise for the playing of the Canadian National Anthem.
Randy Orton starts us off. He’s been hearing rumours, apparently. Were they rumours, or the Voices in your head Randy? My namesake goes on about how it’s no rumour that he’s gonna beat John Cena at Summerslam, and that seemed to be the lightbulb in the head of the challenger, as Cena comes out. Cena wants Orton to bully him, that right there proves that John Cena is not a ladies man. Johnny boy gets up close and personal with the son of Cowboy Bob, and this brings out JeriShow, with the single worst entrance music in the history of entrance music.
Show finds it amusing that Cena and Orton are up close and personal with each other. Show speaks, but there’s a Canadian in the ring, so the crowd chant for Jericho. Cena makes a Shaq joke, then asks why have the Tag Team champions made their presence. Jericho plugs Canada, then tells Cena he’s got a one-on-one match against him. Randy gets his two bobs in, but Big Show cuts him off, telling RKO that its gonna be Show and Orton one-on-one.
The Sarge sounds like he needs a cough drop to soothe that throat. This brings us to commercial.
Ooh look, there’s a vote. Who did the Sarge beat for the WWE Championship? Savage, Hogan or Warrior. Shouldn’t the question be, which one will be the first to appear on WWE RAW?
MATCH#1: Four-Way Divas – Winner gets a Divas Title shot
Kelly Kelly vs Alicia Fox vs Gail Kim vs Beth Phoenix
If you want to find out what actually happens, in this match, find someone who cares about the WWE Women’s division, I’m off to get food.
As I return from not paying attention to the match. I hear Cole describe Kim as ‘elastic-like’, and I hear more grunting than Maria Sharapova at Wimbledon. You’ve gotta love it don’t you? It has appeared for weeks that Beth Phoenix will face Mickie James for the belt, and yet …
YOUR WINNER: Gail Kim
It’s the first ever TNA KnockOuts champion who gets the victory.
Out comes Slaughter to pretty much zero reaction from the crowd. He starts off by sucking up to Canada, and saluting the C anadian flag? Has the Sarge turned on the U.S. for the second time in his career? Of course not. Sarge turns on his newly made friends, by saying if it wasn’t for the U.S., they would be speaking Russian and French now. Infact, most of them speak French. Now Sarge wants Canadians to pay respect to the United States. Looks like Slaughter’s playing bad guy tonight.
COMMERCIAL
We’re back, and a recap of Triple H announcing he’s reforming DX for SummerSlam, and how trips travelled to Texas to find him. Yip.
MATCH#2: Jack Swagger vs Evan Bourne
The rubber match between the two. This match will go no longer than five minutes. I guarantee it.
Swagger uses his power advantage early on, until Bourne uses his speed advantage to control the match. Swagger with a submission hold, but Bourne escapes and attack with some kicks, ending with a near fall. Swagger looks for the powerbomb, but Evan counters into a roll-up for a near fall. Swagger introduces his opponent to the turnbuckle as hard as he possibly can, and one Gutwrench Powerbomb later, and Dusty Rhodes gets the pin.
YOUR WINNER: Jack Swagger.
Told you the match would be quick. Swagger on the mic, and after he talks. Here comes MVP. He doesn’t care that Dusty is a 2-time All-American, the Canadians don’t care. Nobody cares. MVP challenges Swagger to a match tonight. Swagger wants it next week, but MVP isnt happy and pushes Swagger out of the ring.
Don’t forget. Orton vs Show, Jericho vs Cena and the hunt for the Christian. Still to come.
COMMERCIAL
Back, and we’re hunting Christians. H hits on a guy, and scores. A little girl wants a hamburger, and it’s Texas Chef HBK. H is shocked. I think it’s lame-i-fied.
Here comes the Sarge again. He has bought us Celine Dion to sing the Canadian National Anthem. That’s a lie, as it’s really Jillian. I’d prefer Jillian to Celine Dion.
COMMERCIAL
Why is Vince plugging Monk?
Back from commercial, and it’s a contract on a pole match? Vince Russo IS writing for the WWE.
MATCH#3: Contract on a Pole
Eugene vs Calgary Kid
Eugene channels his inner Rock, and hits the Rock Bottom and the People’s Elbow, but that doesnt affect the Calgary Kid. Calgary Kid knocks Eugene off the ropes and grabs the contract.
YOUR WINNER: Calg…
Wait a minute, that isn’t the Calgary Kid. He just hit the Stroke!
YOUR WINNER: Jeff Jarr..
Wait a minute, that’s not the Chosen One, it’s …
YOUR WINNER: The Miz
The Miz is back on RAW, so what was the point of last week?
COMMERCIAL
We’re back with the Rewind, Show beating the hell out of Kofi last week.
MATCH#4: Randy Orton vs the Big Show
Big Show has been borrowing John Tenta’s ring attire.
Show gets up close and personal to Orton, but Randy backs away. Maybe Orton only likes it when it’s Cena close to him. Randy Orton has had a grand total of zero offence so far in this match. I’ve been in and out during this match, so I have missed sections. I get back to see RKO looking for just that, the RKO, but Show blocks it. Show connects with the Chokeslam, but Orton is too close to the ropes, and gets his foot on the rope, when Show goes for the fall. Big Show goes for the fist, but Orton ducks under and heads out of the ring, and deliberately gets counted out.
YOUR WINNER VIA COUNTOUT: Big Show
Hunting for Christians Part Two
Shawn gets tater tots thrown in his face. Also, he can’t cook. When I worked in the food industry, I never burned the grill like that. I only saw someone smash a light globe into the fry vats.
COMMERCIAL
Another pointless Did You Know? from the folks at WWE.
MATCH#5: MVP vs Chris Masters
MVP doesn’t get to fight Swagger, instead he gets the Masterpiece.
Masters with the assualt on MVP in the early going. He continues the advantage until he applies a chinlock-type hold, then MVP gets the momentum. MVP’s jumpsuit is as bright as Mark Henry’s costume last week. Masters goes for the Masterlock, but MVP counters into the Playmaker!!
YOUR WINNER: MVP
Enter the Swagger. The All-American American causes a long enough distraction for the Masterlock to be applied. Once that’s done, Swagger hits his Powerbomb.
A pop for Piven and Dr. Ken and their publicity run last week.
COMMERCIAL: They love these during a broadcast, don’t they?
Back again, and it’s time for …
Hunting for Christians, Part Three
Shawn’s hired Hunter to help him flip burgers. Shawn Sweet Chins his boss. An old lady tells me to suck it, and Shawn Sweet Chin’s a little girl.
Enter the Sarge yet again, and he cues the music of the Hitman. But no, it’s not Bret Hart, it’s Jim Duggan, complete with American flag.
COMMERCIAL
We’re back, with the Slam of the Week. Mark Henry vs Chavo Guerrero from last week.
MATCH#6: Hornswoggle and Mark Henry vs ??
Chavo was meant to be competing, but he is ‘injured’, so he calls on Legacy to take his place.
Henry gets the upper hand, before Legacy start the dissecting. However, that is short lives, as Henry regains control. World’s Strongest Slam on DiBiase, the tag to Hornswoggle for the Splash, but DiBiase gets out of the way and Cody takes out Henry. One Dream Street later, and it’s bye bye to the Woggle.
YOUR WINNERS: Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes.
After the match, Legacy grab mics and book themselves to do the J.O.B to DX at SummerSlam.
We’re back with a rundowm of the SummerSlam card, then Josh Matthews interviews Chris Jericho. Jericho says he’s winning for Calgary, then Show arrives. BIg Show bitches about how Orton ran off on him, Jericho bags out Calgary. Matthews tells Jericho the cameras are still rolling. Jericho feels like a tool.
COMMERCIAL
Next week’s RAW Guest Host. Former WWE writer, Freddie Prinze Jr.
MAIN EVENT: Chris Jericho vs John Cena
Cena gains the early momentum, until Jericho takes over. Cena ends up outside the ring, where Y2J introduces him to the ring steps. Jericho then applies a Camel Clutch, just because Sarge is guest host. Back in the ring, and Cena somehow gains control. He looks for the shuffle, but Jericho rolls him up for the two. Jericho misses with the Lionsault, but doesn’t with the Walls attempt. Cena counters into the STF, but Orton comes and breaks it up before the Ayatollah of Rock ‘n Rollah can tap, causing the DQ.
YOUR WINNER BY DQ: John Cena
Cena gets in Orton’s face, but eats a CodeBreaker from Jericho. Jericho shoves Orton, so Jericho gets knocked down. Enter Show. Chokeslam to Orton. Sarge comes out and announces JeriShow vs Cena and Orton for next week, as we end.
There, even though the servers for BWF crashed during this broadcast, I did my best to bring you the action.
I’m looking forward to seeing Morrison/Hardy for the World Heavyweight title on Smackdown! The craftiness of Kidd and Morrison make for a great match. These two guys are prime examples for why Smackdown is so much better than Raw right now. Kidd hit a sick neckbreaker at the edge of the apron on Morrison during the middle of the match. Morrison exhibited his usual greatness. David Hart Smith and Natalya were ejected from ringside, which ulitimately spelled doom for Tyson Kidd in this match. John Morrison is one of my favorite superstars and his explosiveness is second to none. The Shaman of Sexy hit Starship Pain for the win.
Match 2: William Regal vs the Japanese Sensation Yoshi Tatsu
Yoshi Tatsu gets some of the biggest pops when he comes out to the ring. The fans love this guy. He kicks and karate chops guys to death. However, William Regal gets the win with a running knee. Regal gets his win back with that one.
Josh Matthews interviews Randy Orton in the locker room. He asks Orton’s impressions on John Cena winning the beat the clock challenge. He said Cena has won pain and agony with his beat the clock victory.
Main Event: WWE Champion Randy Orton vs the cartwheeling Primo Colon
Here is the random match of the night…but I like it. Primo is exciting and its always nice to see the CHAMPION get a chance at a real victory. Primo starts like an A.D.D. kid without his meds. He bounces all over the place and gets his offense in until the commercial break. During the break, Orton regains control and starts his methodical beatdown of Primo. Primo hits the ropes and nails a flying elbow and then his cartwheel. Missile dropkick hits but the springboard splash misses and Orton hits the RKO for the win. Refreshing match for the both of them.
This was a good, entertaining show. I like how they mixed good matches with the randomness this week. I guess thats what Superstars is for. Anywho…come back and check me out next week.
Alright, this should be fun! I’m reviewing the show on a brand new laptop, and I woke up 5 minutes before the damned show started, starving but not wanting to let you guys down, since I missed my last two assignments here on BWF. Well, we’re getting back to normal this week, sort of. I’m back to do all my reviews, Legend Killer will be around on Wednesday with a new article (and he’s also working on something new for VinceRussoWatchesHisBeardGrow.com), and we’ll have Random Randomness on… Friday?!? JT is going on vacation at the end of the week, so he’s going to drop in with his column a couple days early. Anyways, I digress, put on your cheap sunglasses, it’s time for RAW with guest hosts ZZ Top!
Triple H kicks off RAW tonight, and gets a huge ovation from the Orlando crowd. He reminds us that Donald Trump bought RAW, and Vince McMahon bought it back for double the price a week later. Meanwhile, something exciting happened – the celebrity guest host. The Game is here to announce tonight’s host. He was in Buffy and Austin Power, he’s also on Family Guy and is a co-creator of Robot Chicken. His name is Seth Green – and his theme song is Welcome To The Jungle. He’s thrilled to be here hosting RAW. he can do whatever he wants, pick the matches and whatnot. So the first thing he’s going to do is make a six diva swimsuit summer spectactular. It’s in the spirit of athletic competition, of course. Triple H sees it his way. It’s the kind of outside the box thinking that makes The Game a fan of Robot Chicken. They put celebrities in the most bizarre situations. The premiere episode has, potentially, the biggest star on the planet (according to Triple H), Triple H.
Clip of Triple H on Robot Chicken, getting his ass kicked by Dakota Fanning, until John Cena turns on her.
Triple H says that didn’t really happen. Triple H has experience fighting whiny little girls since his first match with Randy Orton. Triple H says that may be true, but he never said that. Randy Orton and Dakota Fanning have one thing in common – no male genatalia.
I hear voices in my head…
Orton says he’s got something Triple H don’t – the WWE Championship. He says that if Seth Green wants to take shots at Orton, he should know that Orton has somewhat of an anger management issue. He won’t hesitate to punt somebody in the head or RKO them no matter how big or pathetically small they might be. Triple H suggests himself vs. Orton for the main event. Orton says Green doesn’t wanna do that, since Cena and Triple H are already losing to him at Night of Champions. Triple H says he’ll just drop him right now. Orton has nothing to say to Triple H until Night of Champions, and he’s got nothing to say to Seth Green either. He then asks Green why he’s here. Maybe it’s so somebody might mistake him from being a real man. Green tells Orton he might be interested in tonight’s main event. It’s going to be Randy Orton and Legacy taking on Triple H and John Cena. Oh yeah, and their partner Seth Green.
Kelly Kelly is wasting valuable television time wandering aimlessly in the general direction of the ring in a bikini.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
The following is a chance for me to go grab some dinner Six Diva Summer Swimsuit Spectacular or something stupid like that. Screw this, I’m going to get some dinner.
Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendez, & Maryse def. Mickie James, Gail Kim, & Kelly Kelly
It’s your weekly multi-diva clusterf*(#, now with bikinis. BORING. I seriously went to get some dinner and came back in time to see Maryse pin Mickie James.
Seth Green runs into Chris Jericho backstage. Chris Jericho says he’s the guy who made a career of mocking Star Wars after claiming to be a big fan, and is now doing the same thing to the WWE. He needs to cater to Chris Jericho. Robot Chicken is apparently going on a roller skating tour with the band Gym Class Heroes for free. Green tells Jericho that if he’s going to bring negativity to the show, he might as well just leave. Jericho says he’s got something to say, and he’s going to say it whether Green likes it or not.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
WWE Slam of the Week – Carlito beat the crap out of his brother after they failed to beat Jericho and Edge for the Unified Tag Team Championships last week.
Primo is in the ring with a microphone and speaking Spanish. He calls out Carlito. He doesn’t get him though. What he gets is the best part of RAW, The Miz! Miz asks where Carlito is. He’s probably doing something more important, like getting a cup of coffee. So since Maryse is probably watching, The Miz is going to leave Primo laying in the middle of the ring like the rejected brother he is, because he’s The Miz, and he’s… AWESOME!
The Miz vs. Primo
Primo and The Miz put on a pretty good match, until Carlito interrupts and allows The Miz to hit a reverse Russian leg sweep for the victory.
After the match, Carlito spits in the face of his brother, who apparently don’t want to be cool.
Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler talk about Edge’s injury and what could happen with the Unified Tag Team Championships.
Still to come, Legacy take on Triple H, John Cena, and Seth Green.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
WWE Rewind: Hornswoggle defeated Chavo Guerrero on Superstars last Thursday.
Hornswoggle is hanging out with somebody his own size backstage. Seth Green tells him tonight it’s going to be Chavo vs. Hornswoggle, and Chavo will have one arm tied behind his back. The Big Show shows up, and Green asks him for advice. Show says to watch his match with Evan Bourne and see how guys his size fare in the WWE. He then says he’ll give some advice to Green, but it’ll cost him… One Million Dollars muwahahahahahahaha.
MVP makes his way to the ring for action. His opponent is the guy who just a week ago said he wouldn’t fight him, Jack Swagger.
MVP vs. Jack Swagger
A very entertaining match that sees Swagger drop MVP with the gutwrench powerbomb (or, as our good friend Green Teabagger calls it, The All-American American’s All-American American Americanator!) for the victory. I’d write more about it, but I’m still eating my meal from that stupid Diva thing earlier in the night.
Chris Jericho is carrying a folder and walking toward the ring.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
We know some of you may be eating, but here, enjoy these graphic pictures of Edge’s surgery on his Achille’s Tendon.
And now, please welcome his tag team partner, Chris Jericho!
Jericho says that for the first time in WWE history, the Unified Tag Team Champions are held by one man, and it’s appropriate that that man is the best in the world today, Chris Jericho. He finds it ironic that both Edge and Achilles were great warriors for their time and were taken down by injuries to their Achilles heel. Jericho lists Edge’s injuries and claims he was taking a chance by taking Edge on as a partner. It’s not fair to Jericho that he should have to suffer for Edge’s faults. He’s not giving up his titles. He’s got a contract with him that says that if Edge is injured, Jericho could chose a new tag team partner and remain tag team champion. Before Night of Champions, he’ll pick a devious, cunning partner who is worthy of being in the ring with Jericho, and he’ll also be a truthful, honest man.
Somebody gonna get they ass kicked…
Mark Henry makes his way to the ring, smiling. He enters, and Jericho smiles back. He says Henry is impressive, and just the type of partner Jericho had in mind. Henry puts his arm around Jericho and tells him that they could do unbelievable things. He asks Orlando if they think they’d be a good team. Henry says that he’s not out here to be his partner. Jericho’s look of confidence turns to a look of fear, and Henry tells him he’s out here to be his opponent.
Mark Henry def. Chris Jericho via count-out
Henry tears the suit off of Chris Jericho and tosses him around like a rag doll. Jericho takes some time outside the ring to regroup – and to take off his tie. He stalls as the fans chant “you suck.” He finally gets in the ring and the match officially starts. Henry tosses Jericho around as the announcers theorize that this is punishment for Jericho’s attitude with guest host Seth Green earlier. Jericho gets knocked down, and hightails it out of there, getting counted out in the process, much like Cody Rhodes last week.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Hornswoggle is here and ready for his match with Chavo Guerrero, who will have one hand tied behind his back.
Hornswoggle def. Chavo Guerrero
Ugh. Hornswoggle used a stinkface. Chavo goes for a one armed suplex, but Hornswoggle rolled him up for the pin instead.
Randy Orton is proud of Ted DiBiase for slapping his dad last week. DiBiase says he never wants to be like his old man. He’ll be better. Cody Rhodes says that his father might be the guest host last week, and unlike some people he has a great relationship with is dad. Orton instructs his Legacy mates to not touch Seth Green in this match, because Orton wants him for himself.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Kofi Kingston is on his way to the ring to do commentary for the following matchup. Evan Bourne is out first for this matchup, and his opponent is The Big Show.
Evan Bourne vs. The Big Show
Show dominates, with a little of Evan Bourne offense. Show hits a huge spear and locks in the Camel Clutch for the victory.
Show refuses to break the hold, but Kofi Kingston runs into the ring to make the safe. Kofi will face Big Show this Thursday on Superstars.
The Robot Chicken Star Wars Episode II DVD comes out next week. They show a clip, which I seriously wish was a clip from the first Star Wars episode with Hulk Hogan voicing Abe Lincoln against Jedi George Bush.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
We get a rundown of the Night of Champions card.
Backstage, Santino is playing with action figures, making his own figure knock out the Iron Shiek and kiss Trish Stratus. He asks Seth Green for a job on his show, “Electric Poultry.” Cena and Triple H join them and Santino leaves. Cena tells Green that if he abandons them he’ll beat him up. Triple H tells him it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, yadda yadda yadda. Cena and Triple H argue over who’s going to watch out for Green, and Cena says it doesn’t matter who protects him, he’s gonna get killed anyway. Triple H agrees.
Michael Cole reveals next week’s guest hosts for Monday Night RAW. That’s right, I said hosts, plural. They are…. ZZ TOP!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
(Thanks to Mr. Random Randomness, JT for covering the rest of the show)
Legacy Comes out first, we get reminded that Orton wants Seth Green to himself (like that’s really gonna happen). Seth Green comes out to “Welcome To The Jungle.” I wonder if Axl knows WWE is using his song. HHH out next. He spits water, it’s supposed to be cool or something. He’s also like a foot taller than Seth. Oh yeah he’s also on the cover of some muscle magazine. Cena out last to mostly cheers, he now has John Deere looking gear. Michael Cole says “this is what it’s all about.” Sorry Cole it really isn’t. We then go to a…
Commercial Break- The Taco Bell Bacon Potato Burrito is pretty good, you should try it. The G.I. Joe movie looks awesome, too bad I’ll be out of town when it comes out. 🙁
Legacy def. John Cena, Triple H, and Seth Green via disqualification
We come back and the match has already started with HHH dominating (shocker).
1st pin attempt- 2 count
Tag to Cena
Continues to dominate
2nd pin attempt- 2 count
Tag to Green- punches Rhodes in the face knocking him down
Outside the ring HHH knocks Rhodes down
Tag to Cena- Back Body drop
Orton takes Cena out while the ref’s back is turned.
Orton now dominating
Orton 1st pin attempt- 2 count
Orton stomps on Cena
Dibiase & Rhodes double team Cena while Ref’s back is turned
Rhodes gets a full nelson on Cena- Cena fights out of it, but is knocked down
Double tag
HHH dominates Orton, then he goes after Rhodes & DiBiase
Match gets out of control
Orton RKO’s HHH
Goes for a pin, Seth Green breaks it up
Orton then attacks Green
Orton goes for The Randy Orton Super Magic Mega Kick of Final Ultimate Death!!! (TM Green Teabagger) but is stopped by Cena
Cena goes after Orton, but is stopped but legacy who attack him until HHH makes the save with a sledgehammer, getting their team DQed
HHH bumps into Cena with the sledgehammer, but it has no effect.
HHH and Cena come face to face but Seth Green comes between them and they raise each others hands.
We fade to black with Legacy at the top of the ramp and Cena and HHH with Seth Green on hos shoulders standing tall in the ring.
My Thoughts: Seth Green should not be wrestling. Guest hosting is one thing, but getting involved in a professional wrestling match is another. The wrestlers are trained professionals, and as Edge’s latest injury has proven, even they get severely hurt doing what they do for a living. Seth Green is not a wrestler. Seth Green is an actor – one who’s work I actually enjoy. He’s got no business getting into the ring in a wrestling capacity. Look, I’m all for this guest host thing. I like it, it gives RAW an air of mainstream acceptance, and sure, Seth Green actually wrestling on Monday Night RAW will probably get some TMZ or Entertainment Tonight coverage, but is it really worth risking the poor guy’s health and career to have him step in and participate in something he’s not extensively trained to do?
Why aren’t Legacy complaining about not knowing who they have to face at Night of Champions? That fits their characters, even if their opponents are also heels. Hell, I don’t think Rhodes and DiBiase were even mentioned in Chris Jericho’s promo about the Unified Tag Team Championship match at Night of Champions, and they’re the challengers.
This show just wasn’t very good. I just hope that ZZ Top don’t jump in and challenge DiBiase and Rhodes to a Night of Champions warm up match next week.
