NO! I don’t wanna review RAW! You can’t make me! Nooooooooo!
Last night at Over The Limit, a bunch of crap happened, CM Punk retained his title, and John Laurinaitis beat John Cena with help from the Big Show. Let’s see what kind of horrible stuff they make us sit through tonight in one of the last two hour RAWs.
Another week, another RAW review. I DID have somebody volunteer, but that somebody’s e-mail address they gave me bounced back to me. So, if you’re interested in being our BWF RAW Blogger, please e-mail contact@boredwrestlingfan.com.
I don’t remember what happened last week even though I wrote about it and we talked about it on yesterday’s podcast. Well, I remember Paul Heyman. THIS IS EXTREME!
What’s up, fellow Bored Wrestling Fans, it is I, the Vince McMahon to BWF’s WWE, the one and only ThinkSoJoE! And I’m here at work watching RAW and providing you with a review of this week’s RAW, because, well, I haven’t found anybody to cover this show since Justin Ruff stepped down last week. If you’re interested, the comments section is your friend! Oh well, let’s roll!
Hot off the heels of the biggest event of the summer, SummerSlam, we’re set for RAW action! Lots of questions to answer – did Triple H know John Cena’s foot was on the bottom rope? Does it matter? Why was the Anonymous RAW GM podium at SummerSlam – is he (or she) back? And perhaps the biggest question of them all – why did Kevin Nash attack CM Punk? Is he working with Del Rio? Is everybody working with Triple H? Is it all just a big C-O-N-Spiracy? Will we find out? Won’t you click the “continue reading” link to find out?
Didn’t I just do SmackDown on Friday? That’s right, fellow Bored Wrestling Fans, this is ThinkSoJoE covering for the one and only Aly Kat (who just turned 20 this past week, BTW) as she’s probably stuck at work. Come to think of it, I’m stuck at work too! Difference is, I can watch RAW while I’m here (though I’m not really supposed to). Anyways, I’m excited at the prospect of covering tonight’s RAW as many experts are saying that this could be a very important night in one of the biggest storylines in recent memory. A few folks have said WWE could screw the whole CM Punk thing up tonight, but every one of them, and myself, are hoping that they don’t. Let’s see what happens!
Author note: I, unfortunately, have to leave my house at 8PM on weeknights, and therefore miss RAW live as it happens. As AlyKat was unable to cover the show tonight, I offered to do so and keep the Tweets going in the review. I reviewed the show first, and added in Tweets later. Thank you to all of you who used the #BWF hashtag to make it easier on me!
Let the fallout from WrestleMania XXVII begin! I know for a fact that Steve Austin and The Rock are confirmed for the show, and that Daniel Bryan will challenge Sheamus for the WWE United States Championship, unless they decide to bump it again. I hear we’re supposed to go until 11:15 or later, so let’s get this review on the road – the road to WrestleMania XXVIII!
It’s substitution week here at BoredWrestlingFan.com! Drowgoddess covered SmackDown for Rich Flynn, and now it’s the Vince McMahon of BoredWrestlingFan, ThinkSoJoE covering RAW for AlyKat – and don’t worry, those of you who used your #BWF hashtag on Twitter will be recognized!
The Rock is in his office, making fun of John Cena’s terrible promo from last week. Cena’s music hits, and The Rock looks confused. Apparently, John Cena is in The Rock’s house. Rock asks if he wants to say something face to face. A little kid dressed like Cena comes in and tells Rock, “You Can’t See Me.” Rock stands up, and The Rock tells him to not even think about it. No “yo,” no gang signs. He’s not gangsta, he’s not from the hood. Rock wants him to talk to The Rock like an adult. The kid busts a rhyme – “Yo, my name’s John Cena, I’m puttin’ on the hurt/I’m the big tough guy with the bright purple shirt.” And he’s better than Cena. He tells The Rock that if he wants some, come get some. Rock sits back down and says it’s time for Cena to have a talk with the People’s Champion. Rock knows that when The Rock left, Cena took the ball and ran with it. He didn’t run far, but he was trying. Cena became The Man in the WWE. He didn’t just try, he succeeded! Think of the cultural impact Cena’s made on the world! Think about it. Kermit the Frog (ribbit, ribbit), Barney the Dinosaur (“bingo!”) and now you! And think about the demographic that Cena’s dominated – he owns the 2-5 year olds! Does he know why he’ll never be as good as The Rock? “John Cena” answers “Because I’m not that talented?” The Rock confirms. It took a big man for Cena to admit that. Now that that’s out of the way, how does that make him feel? IT DOESN’T MATTER, HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL! The kid starts crying, and The Rock says that The Rock doesn’t see The Rock and the millions crying, and we had to sit through Cena’s movies. Rock doesn’t have any toilet paper, but Rock does have the next best thing – a John Cena t-shirt. The kid blows his nose on the shirt, then The Rock spits on it. Rock is proud of Cena, because he admitted he wasn’t that talented. Rock has a gift for “Cena.” Abracadabra, Yabba Dabba! Rock produces a box of Fruity Pebbles.
“Hustle. Loyalty. Respect. AND Fruity Pebbles?!? YES!”
The Rock knows that’s John Cena’s favorite! Fred Flintstone is Cena’s hero. Rock tells “Cena” that he’ll never has muscles as big as The Rock’s, but he can go take his Fruity Pebbles and enjoy them! Rock says “Hello, Miz.” The Rock says that The Miz is the WWE Champion. The Rock is the most electrifying man in all of entertainment, the People’s Champion. Miz knocked Cena out cold last week. He had the gall to hit the People’s elbow and trash talk Rock’s family. The other statement The Miz made was that he wants The Rock to deliver the single biggest ass whipping of a lifetime. The Rock says that before WrestleMania, he’ll bring it live on Monday Night RAW. The only thing Cena and Miz should be concerned with is how badly The Rock layeth the smacketh down on both of their candy asses, if ya smelllllllalalalalallao! What the Rock is cookin!
Backstage, Snookie is with Trish Stratus. In the arena, Michael Cole is in a glass box that he calls “The Cole Mine.”
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWESOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMME!
The WWE Champion, The Miz makes his way to the ring. We relive The Miz costing John Cena the WWE Tag Team Championships, The Miz dropping Cena after his cage match with A-Ry, and The Miz laying out Cena with a Skull-Crushing Finale and a People’s Elbow last week.
The Miz does his “really” shtick. He says that The Rock’s t-shirt says “I Bring It.” The Rock does bring it – The Rock brings out of date catch phrases, bad tattoos, horrific movies, empty promises, and pointless diatribes that only a has-been can bring. The Rock has a problem with The Miz insulting his family. Rock’s father and grandfather were both good, but they’ve never been the WWE Champion. That makes Miz better than both of them, and he can say whatever he wants. Rock likes to make six year olds cry – The Miz will make The Rock cry, and scream like a little girl. Unlike The Rock, instead of talking about beating up John Cena, The Miz has actually done it. Three weeks in a row, to be exact. So no, The Rock doesn’t own John Cena, The Miz does. Week after week, via television screen, The Rock says he’s going to bring it. Miz says who knows, he might bring it here to St. Louis. If he does bring it, he’ll be overshadowed by the most must-see WWE Champion in the history of this company, because he’s The Miz, and he’s AWWWEEEEESSSOOOOOOOMMMMMMMEEEEE!
Cole asks for our attention, and says he’s recieved an e-mail from the anonymous RAW GM. He exists the “Cole Mine,” but Jerry Lawler steps in front of him and reads the e-mail, despite Cole’s protests. The GM says that there are two first time ever matches for The Miz and John Cena. Later tonight, John Cena will face a man he’s never been in the ring with before, the number one contender for the World Heavyweight Championship, Alberto Del Rio. The Miz claims that he’s beaten everybody, so who could it possibly be he’s facing? Lawler says that The Miz has never faced this man – The Great Khali!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@JonHexLives I was about to sit this #RAW out, then @TheRock cuts a promo and John Cena to shreds. #WWE #BWF
@TKeep123 Michael-Cole-In-A-Box! Now, if we can just get that glass booth sound-proofed! (and air tight!) #WWE #RAW #mnbw #BWF
The Great Khali def. The Miz via disqualification
The Miz goes after Khali early, but the advantage doesn’t last long. Meanwhile, King and Cole argue on commentary. Khali locks in the Vice Grip. Miz manages to get to the ropes, when Alex Riley comes in to attack Khali. Khali hits the Punjabi Plunge on a-Ry, but The Miz dissects Khali with a steel chair. He breaks it across the giant’s back. Miz DDTs Khali on the chair, which now has pieces hanging off of it. Khali’s back is bleeding from being destroyed by the chair.
Michael Cole has a very special guest tonight. He’ll expose Jerry “The King” Lawler for who he really is.
Also, Randy Orton takes on Mason Ryan in a match with WrestleMania implications!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@TKeep123 “You’re Fired” must be some secret “wrestling insider” term for “…See you on next weeks episode!” #WWE #RAW #mnbw #BWF
@N_er_d The Miz made Khali bleed. I am not complaining, but is blood now allowed on #WWE shows? #RAW #mnbw #bwf
Congratulations are in order for John Cena, who now has over 5,000,000 followers on Facebook. Hey, speaking of followers, we’re only 21 away from 1,000 on our twitter account, @BrdWrstlngFn. And you can find us on Facebook as well!
Josh Matthews and Jerry Lawler discuss Triple H vs. The Undertaker. Which can only mean one thing. We’re going to see clips from last week! They throw it to the video package that Triple H showed on SmackDown, which is good, because I slept through SmackDown and haven’t yet seen it.
John Morrison is backstage yapping with Snooki, who invites him to be a cast member on Jersey Shore. Vickie Guerrero tells Snookie she’s got a problem with her. Vickie was offered the cover of Playboy. Snooki says that it’s gotta be a centerfold, since you can’t fit all of Vickie on one page. Vickie gets the taste slapped out of her mouth.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@WWE_Creative Yeah, @Sn00ki calling @ExcuseMeWWE heavy is the pot calling the kettle fat. #RAWTonight
@iWoinsider Did Snooki just make a fat joke? To a woman who weighs at least 35 lbs. less than her?
“This bout, set for one fall, is for the United States Championship!”
Sheamus is on the cover of the new issue of “Muscle and Fitness” magazine. And if he loses, he’ll quit. Daniel Bryan is led to the ring by Gail Kim, and we’re set for US Title action!
Sheamus def. Daniel Bryan to become the United States Champion!
Josh Matthews ponders if there’s a curse associated with the King of the Ring. Nevermind that several Kings of the Ring have won World Championships over the years. Bryan dominates the early going, nailing a missile dropkick for a two count, sending Sheamus reeling out of the ring to regroup.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@WWE_Creative Sheamus appearing on the cover of Muscle and Fitness is all part of his Triple H Fantasy Camp package. #RAWTonight
@JonHexLives Daniel Bryan may lose the US title just so he has something to do at #Wrestlemania. #WWE #RAW #BWF
Sheamus has finally taken over during the commercial break with a Tilt-a-whirl slam. Bryan starts to battle back but Sheamus takes him down. Sheamus goes for another Tilt-a-whirl slam, but Bryan reverses it. Sheamus winds up back on the outside, clutching his ankle in a bit of deja vu, but Sheamus gets back in the ring. He misses a brogue kick, allowing Bryan to lock in the Lebell Lock, but Sheamus gets to the bottom rope. Sheamus runs Bryan into the turnbuckle and goes for the Celtic Cross, but Bryan reverses that as well. Bryan kicks Sheamus down to his knees, then a kick to the head results in a two count for the defending champion. Bryan goes to the top rope, but Sheamus nails a brogue kick out of midair and pins Bryan to become the new United States Champion!
Michel Cole stands up in his Cole Mine. He says he’s going to participate in Regicide – the death of a king. He has somebody who is going to expose Jerry Lawler for who he really is – and that person will be out here NEXT!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@Whovian_23 Why are people so miffed at an Irish Person as the U.S Champion. Most of the European Champions where American. #WWE #RAW #BWF
Apparently, I missed the video recapping last week’s Stone Cold hijacking of the referee spot for the Cole/Lawler match. Cole knows how King gets when anybody talks about his family. Cole isn’t going to talk about King’s family – King’s family is going to talk about him. Cole’s guest at this time is Jerry Lawler’s biological son, Brian Christopher Lawler. Grandmaster Sexay comes out to the old Too Cool music, dancing up the aisle, with Cole dancing in the ring. Cole points out that he never went by the name Brian Lawler in WWE. Christopher says that he never felt like he had a father, because Jerry Lawler was too busy being the king to pay attention to his son. Lawler never wanted a child. Christopher gets out of the ring and sounds winded from doing so. Jerry Lawler never wanted anybody to take away from his spotlight. That’s why when Brian Christopher made it on his own to the WWE, Lawler wouldn’t even admit that he was his son. Lawler grabs a mic and says that he doesn’t know what to say other than he’s not the only one who’s glad he didn’t use the Lawler name. He’s a bigger screwup than Charlie Sheen. Just the fact that he’d associate with Michael Cole tells everybody what kind of person he is. Brian asks Jerry how it feels to know that he competed at WrestleMania before he did, as part of Too Cool. He was one of the biggest superstars in WWE in that dream he had that one time. How does that make you feel, Daddy? Christopher shoves Lawler and asks for an answer. He slaps Lawler and taunts him. The reason Christopher never used Lawler’s name is because he’s ashamed of his father. Cole says Lawler doesn’t care about his family. He’s a coward, a loser, and at WrestleMania, he’ll put The King in his place…
The sounds of “Boomer Sooner” fill the arena and Jim Ross makes his way to the ring! Cole was wondering when JR was going to show up to steal the spotlight. Must be a slow day in the Barbecue business or on Twitter. JR says this has gone far enough. Cole tells him to go away. It’s over, he’s done. This is Cole’s show now. He’s the voice of the WWE, not Jim Ross. JR says he’s been meaning to talk to him about that. About the voice of WWE. For many years, JR had the privilege and honor to sit next to Jerry Lawler on RAW, and was lucky enough to be inducted to the Hall of Fame. But neither he, nor Cole, nor anybody else sitting there will be the voice of the WWE – the fans are the voice of the WWE. Lawler’s been carrying Cole for a long time. Like a mother kangaroo. But Cole isn’t a lovable furry little animal like a kangaroo – he’s a varmint. A rat bastard. Cole says he always envisioned it like this. Cole being the bigger man while JR walked out into the sunset with his tail tucked between his legs. JR gets back into the ring, takes off his hat, his jacket, and his tie, and makes a “bring it” motion. Cole takes off his jacket and tie as a “JR” chant breaks out. Meanwhile, Jack Swagger attacks Jerry Lawler at the broadcast table. Cole sends Swagger after JR, telling him to teach him some respect. Swagger beats down JR and locks in the Ankle Lock. Lawler finally gets in the ring and knocks Swagger off JR, but winds up finding himself in the Ankle Lock for his trouble. Swagger points at JR, and Cole locks JR in the Ankle Lock.
Still to come, John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio, but up next, Mason Ryan tries to earn the right to be in CM Punk’s corner at WrestleMania as he takes on Randy Orton.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@JamesGuttmanWWI Brian Christopher is one of the only people I’ve ever seen run out of breath in the ring…during a promo.
@justinruff At least it wasn’t Dr. Heinie. #RAW
Randy Orton gets the obligatory hometown pop, and then Mason Ryan makes his way to the ring.
Randy Orton def. Mason Ryan
It’s all Orton in the early going, and I really don’t feel like reviewing this match. I’m going to go make my dinner. I put my food in the microwave, and Orton drops an overconfident Ryan with an RKO when I get back to pick up the victory. It’s CM Punk vs. Randy Orton with no Nexus involved at WrestleMania!
Orton goes to leave, but he looks up the ramp at CM Punk and stops. He looks back toward the ring. He punts Ryan in the skull, and turns to meet up with a charging CM Punk. The two glare at each other on all fours, and Punk decides that the better part of valor really is discretion, and slithers back out of the ring.
Earlier tonight, Snooki made a fat joke at Vickie Guerrero’s expense.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@TKeep123 Orton with the punt to Ryan….damn, its getting crowded down in FCW! #WWE #RAW #mnbw#BWF
@WWE_Creative We’re thinking of calling @RandyOrton ‘s finishing kick the Tam-punt. #RAWTonight
2011 WWE Hall of Fame – Celebrity Wing inductee: Drew Carey! Yet nobody points out that Carey eliminated BOTH Hardyz from the Royal Rumble. Well, ok, they eliminated each other – but he was in the ring, dammit!
Micheal Cole asks for our attention once again. He tells us that he’s going to use the Ankle Lock to beat Jerry Lawler, and says that his attack on JR earlier was a Slobberknocker.
Still to come it’s John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio!
Trish Stratus and Snooki walk backstage, where Zack Ryder asks Snooki how she likes his situation. She says WooWooWoo, it’s pretty solid, as she pokes his abs.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@WWE_Creative Gonna go out on a limb and assume that’s not the only poking that’ll happen between @Sn00ki and @ZackRyder tonight. #RAWTonight
@onecountkickout Dunno why people are bothered by Carey being in the HOF. Its been apparent for years this isn’t a REAL Hall of Fame. #WWE
Justin Roberts introduces Snooki, and now the star of the only show that beats Monday Night RAW in the ratings is on Monday Night RAW. And her head barely clears the top rope. She’s about as tall as Ariel Winter. Anyways. She’s excited. She’s been looking forward to this all week long. She’s really excited for Trish Stratus to shut Vickie Guerrero up. Snooki sits next to the broadcast booth, when Vickie Guerrero comes out for her match.
Vickie says she’ll not only beat Trish, she’ll be hired to RAW. Before she does that, she has words for Snooki. Never lay her hands on Vickie again, and how dare she steal her spotlight? Vickie says the Rolling Stone cover was hers. She shows what the original cover was supposed to look like – a badly Photoshopped picture of Vickie on a rocket. Trish Stratus makes her way to the ring, a seven time WWE Women’s Champion!
Vickie Guerrero def. Trish Stratus
Vickie stretches to start the match, and Trish tries for a quick roll-up, to no avail. Trish chases Vickie around after tearing off her shoe, which Vickie tries to use as a weapon. Needless to say, that backfired. Trish spanks Vickie with the shoe, until Dolph Ziggler interrupts the proceedings. John Morrison attacks Ziggler, taking him out with a corkscrew plancha. LayCool attack Trish (this is apparently a no-dq match), and they, along with Vickie, cover Trish, allowing Vickie to get the victory, and a job on RAW.
After the match, LayCool mock Snooki. Michelle goes out to where Snooki is sitting, and Snooki, who is dwarfed by Michelle McRibs, gets shoved back down into her seat. Snooki drops Michelle face first on the apron, then attacks Layla. Trish comes back to take out Michelle, and LayCool, along with Vickie and Dolph, retreat as JoMo celebrates with Trish and Snooki. Vickie says Snooki is in way over her head. She challenges Snooki, JoMo, and Trish to a match against LayCool and Dolph Ziggler, at WrestleMania! Snooki says she’ll see her there!
Up next, it’s John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@WWEsAngel_Nef Dear @TNADixie Sn00kie is doing Wrestlemania. Can you say you guys got mirked? xD lololol #WWE #BWF
A Sin Cara promo airs.
Then a Shawn Michaels promo airs where he talks about The Undertaker’s streak.
Ricardo Rodriguez introduces Alberto Del Rio, as per usual. After Alberto gets halfway down the ramp, Brodus Clay walks out from the back to meet him. Guess Alberto didn’t want Clay stinking up his brand new Bentley. Del Rio is all smiles until John Cena’s music hits. Cena points at each word of the “Hustle, Loyalty, Respect” symbol on his sleeve before he runs down to the ring.
John Cena def. Alberto Del Rio via Disqualification
This is the first ever match between these two. Michael Cole says that The Rock has arrived to the arena in St. Louis as John Cena sends Del Rio reeling to the outside.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@WWE_Creative Our Sin Cara promos last longer than @TNAwrestling ‘s PPV main events. #RAWTonight
Back from break and it’s Alberto Del Rio in charge. Josh Matthews questions Cole about The Rock, but all Cole says is “you’ll see.” “What an amazing night it has been here on Monday Night RAW” is the new “This is the greatest night in the history of our sport.” After the two men trade rights, Cena gets fired up and builds momentum. He hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but before Cena could hit an AA, Brodus Clay attacks, causing the disqualification.
As Del Rio and Clay are beating down Cena…
If ya smellllllllll… What The Rock… Is Cookin’!
The Rock’s music hits, and – wait – That’s not The Rock! It’s The Miz in a skull cap and a Rock t-shirt! Cena tries to fight Del Rio and Brodus Clay, to no avail, and The MizRock nails the Rock Bottom on Cena! Del Rio hits a running enziguri, then leaves Cena for Clay, who nails a fireman’s carry. The Miz does The Rock’s gestures, including his pose on the ropes. Miz tears off the skull cap, then rams Cena’s back into the steel ring post. Miz asks Cena how his road to WrestleMania is, then clobbers him with the microphone. Miz reminds Cena he’s owned him the last three weeks, and he’ll own him every week until WrestleMania – then clobbers Cena again. Miz suplexes Cena onto the steel ramp as little kids look on in disappointment. Cena starts to fight back. He goes for an AA at the top of the ramp, but Miz reverses and drops Cena with a DDT. Miz tosses Cena into the big WWE sign, waits for Cena to get back up, then nails the Skull Crushing Finale right into the base of the sign. Miz’s music hits, and for the fourth consecutive week, he’s gotten the better of John Cena.
Not a bad show. Not bad at all. Now to watch The True Story of WrestleMania on Netflix!
It is I, the King of the BoredWrestlingFan crew, and I have returned for a second straight week with a review of wWE RAW! I took over writing duties for tonight after the show ended, so I won’t be using tweets in tonight’s review (sorry, @TKeep123, @WWEsAngel_Nef, among others). AlyKat should be back next week. She would have been back this week, but she’s spent the last week popping open bottles of champagne due to The Miz’s WWE Championship victory and her wrists hurt too badly to type. Are you ready? Because tonight’s show is simply this: RAWWWWWESOME!
Hey folks, the man the BWF staff call “Boss” is here to fill in for AlyKat tonight as she is in attendance at the Amway Arena in Orlando, FL for tonight’s edition of RAW. I’ve actually been to a WWE event in that very venue – the 2008 WWE Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony. Tonight, however, I’m on my couch in Niagara Falls, NY watching USA HD and bringing you my thoughts on this post-Survivor Series edition of RAW. Will we see John Cena tonight? What kind of mood will Wade Barrett be in? Will Aly have a heart attack in the Amway Arena as The Miz cashes in Money In The Bank? Who knows! It’s uncooked, uncut, uncensored, it’s RAW!
This week’s RAW review is written by frequent contributor @TheMizMagnet, who used to be @AlyKat_730. Aly liked doing the guest host thing in my RAW reviews so much that she was the first person to volunteer when I asked if anybody wants to take over for me here on BWF on Monday Nights. Let us know what you think of Aly’s work via facebook, twitter, or MySpace!
Tonight’s RAW is hosted by actor and Twitter sensation (I read that somewhere… I think it was WWE Universe’s Twitter), Ashton Kutcher! The main event is a tag-team match between Randy Orton and WWE Champion John Cena, taking on Sheamus and Edge!!
We start in the middle of some action already up. Edge was beating on Evan for some reason, and told Evan that it was his ring. According to Michael, Edge came out before RAW and said it was his ring, and Evan Bourne came out to say that he wasn’t going to wait for a chance. Holy crap, is the RAW set backwards?
Anyway, Edge and Evan Bourne are fighting in the ring, and as Edge Irish Whips Evan into the ropes, Evan gets the upperhand. Here, Jerry Lawler would like to point out to us that this is not an official match, which I think all of us knew based on the fact that Edge was still in his jeans… Anyway, Evan gets Edge down, and goes for Air Bourne, but Edge rolls out of the way and hits Evan with the Spear. We find out that before we joined RAW, Evan asked for a match, stating that if he beat Edge, he wanted Edge’s spot in the Fatal Four-Way for the WWE Championship.
Edge calls for a mic and says that what happened to Evan Bourne is exactly what is going to happen to his opponents at Fatal 4Way: Randy Orton, Sheamus, and WWE Champion, John Cena. He continues on, saying no matter what he does, or how many times he proves his dominance, people like Evan Bourne and the WWE Universe continue to disrespect him. At Fatal 4Way, that all changes, because he’s nothing like his opponents. He’s not like John Cena, who’s the WWE Universe’s superhero, and quite possibly the strongest man in the industry. He’s not like Sheamus, who doesn’t care who gets in his way and will bulldoze his way through anyone to take what he wants. And he’s definitely not like Randy Orton, that snake in the grass who lies in wait to pounce and sink his fangs into you. He goes on to say that the WWE Universe are a bunch of sheep (Chris Jericho anyone?) who just fall in line. At Fatal 4Way, Edge says he’s going to prove everyone who disrespects him wrong when he becomes a ten-time WWE Champion. Gonna be honest here… I was hoping he’d go on another ‘WRONG!’ tirade, but he didn’t.
I hear voices in my head, they council me, they understand, they talk to me…
Randy comes out, and Jerry or Michael Cole tell us that there are 13,124 members of the WWE Universe in attendance tonight. Whatever. Randy gets in the ring, and Edge seems to be backing away, staying cautious. Edge says that Randy thinks he’s just gonna come out there and do something to Edge, but it won’t happen because Randy’s not at 100% due to what Edge did to him at Over the Limit (a dislocated shoulder, for those of you who don’t know). Edge starts to present Randy with an option concerning Fatal 4Way, but Randy RKO’s Edge. Reminder: These two men will be on opposite sides of the ring tonight as they go to tag team action. Randy Orton and WWE Champion, John Cena vs Edge and Sheamus. Up next, we hear from Ashton Kutcher!
<COMMERCIAL>
We come back to Monday Night RAW to see Ashton Kutcher on his laptop, talking about Zack Ryder talking smack to him on Twitter. Eve Torres comes up and they hug, and Eve asks what’s going on. Ashton tells her that Zack Ryder was talking smack about him on Twitter. Does Zack know that Ashton is guest host and that he has five million Twitter followers?! Eve asks what Ashton’s going to do about it, and Ashton says he’s going to put a hit on Zack Ryder, and it could be anyone: A referee, a wrestler, a Diva, Eve herself, Ashton, an announcer…
About that time, Miz shoes up and says that Ashton wanted to see him. This was confirmed by my friend, @Niki_Sushi that Ashton really did tweet Miz to see him during RAW (@aplusk: hey @mikethemiz I need to see you tonight. #RAW). Miz goes on with theories about why Ashton may want to see him, and even mentions that Ashton may want him to star in The Killers 2. Ashton laughs and says that he and Bret Hart have set up a match for The Miz tonight against a Superstar they have acquired a one-night contract for: Daniel Bryan. Ashton says that Daniel Bryan is going to make the Miz tap out, and Miz retorts that Ashton needs to grab his camera and take pictures of what The Miz is going to do to Daniel Bryan tonight. Ashton responds, saying that Miz wouldn’t be able to see it because it’d be so far up his- He is about to continue, but Eve stops him and reminds both men that this is PG television.
New United States Champion R-Truth vs Chris Jericho
Truth is called out to the ring, his new United States Championship around his waist. RAW shows a replay of last week,where R-Truth faced The Miz to pick up the championship. Chris Jericho gets into the ring after his entrance plays, and this is where I realize they’re coming out from the other side of the entrance thing this time. It messed me up.
The match starts, and Chris gets Truth in a headlock. Truth pushes him into the ropes, only to run into a clothesline from Jericho. Truth retaliates with a hip toss on Chris, and Chris goes for a Codebreaker, but Truth catches his feet and tosses him out onto the ring floor before jumping over the top rope and landing on him.
<COMMERCIAL>
We come back to see Chris in control. Apparently, he dropped Truth, stomach-first, into the top rope and then used a baseball slide to get Truth out of the ring. Now, Chris has him in a headlock, but it’s not too long before Truth starts to fight out, successfully breaking the hold. Truth takes Chris down for a pin, but Chris kicks out at two. Chris uses the insigari on Truth, and goes for a pin, but Truth kicks out a two. Truth has Truth between the top and middle rope and holds on, breaking at three before going back and breaking at four. Truth gets up only to be thrown into the turnbuckle and beats on him, pulling Truth out at the ref’s three count. Chris gets Truth down, and Chris pantomimes wiping his hands before he brings Truth to his feet. He slaps Truth, then Irish Whips him. Truth retaliates with a flying shoulder.
Truth then takes control, hitting Chris before he dances and slaps Chris to the ground. Truth Irish Whips Chris, who manages a counter, only to get hit with a hurricanrana. Truth kicks Chris in the face and goes for the pin, but Chris kicks out at two. Truth runs at Chris, but Chris kicks him in the face and the bulldogs Truth. He goes for the Lionsault, but Truth rolls out of the way. Truth gets Chris on his knees, then goes for the bicycle kick before Chris gets out of the way and goes for the Walls of Jericho. He can’t lock it in, however, and ends up sending Chris away. Truth hits Chris with a kick to the stomach and seemed to attempt a suplex, only to drop Chris with a facebuster. He goes for a cover, but Chris kicks out at two.
Truth grabs Chris to pull him away from the ropes, but Chris holds on. The ref comes up to pull Truth off, and Chris takes advantage, poking Truth in the eyes. He then knocks Truth down, goes for a cover, and Truth kicks out at two. Chris kicks Truth in the head, while mocking him, yelling “What’s up!?”. Chris Irish Whips Truth, and bends down, probably for some move or another, but Truth kicks him in the stomach. Truth misses a spin kick, and Chris capitalizes by locking in the Walls of Jericho. Truth, however, counters it with a small package, and pins Chris for the win.
United States Champion R-Truth Wins!
Reminder! Our Main Event tonight is Edge and Sheamus vs Randy Orton and John Cena!
<COMMERCIAL>
The Fatal 4Way theme is Showstopper, by Toby Mac, I think it said. Anyway, a replay of last week is now shown. Batista is in the ring, bandaged and bruised in a wheelchair. He says that Cena is going to give him a rematch, he deserves a rematch. RAW Ring Announcer Justin Roberts interrupts him and says that he has just been asked to announce RAW’s new General Manager, Bret “The Hitman” Hart! flsajf;sdlkfjasldkfj… Sorry, I can’t stand Bret. Bret then tells Batista that he has a match tonight to get his rematch. He’ll face Randy Orton for a chance to qualify at Fatal 4Way. Batista says he can’t possibly fight tonight, and Bret can’t make him. Bret then says that if he doesn’t fight, he forfeits. Batista says if that happens, he’ll quit. Bret says that Randy qualifies by forfeit, Batista flips and says that WWE is nothing without him, and quits.
Zack Ryder and Alicia Fox are together backstage, and they’re talking to someone, who we find out in just a second is Bret Hart, about Ashton Kutcher putting a hit on him. Bret says he has more important things to deal with than Zack. Zack claims that he’s watching Bret, and then walks away. The Hart Dynasty show up next and wonder what Bret wanted to see them about. Bret says he signed the three people that attacked them last week, and he’s not going to punish them for it either. He says that even though he’s General Manager of RAW now, he can’t cut the Hart Dynasty any favors. He then says that the question the Hart Dynasty needs to ask is what they’re going to do about it.
Eve’s music hits and she is accompanied to the ring by Santino Marella. This should be entertaining…
<COMMERCIAL>
Mixed Tag Team Match: WWE Diva’s Champion Eve Torres and Santino Marella vs. Maryse and William Regal with Vladimir Kozlov
We come back to see Santino teaching Eve how to do his weird cobra thing. Eve’s music fades and Maryse’s plays. She stops about halfway down the ramp, and William Regal’s music hits, and he’s joined by Vlaidimir Kozlov. Santino takes the mic when Willaim and Vladimir get to the ring, saying that, for the love of George Lucas, Willaim Regal should get rid of the Darth Vader wannabe music. He then asks Vladimir why he comes out to the ring with Regal when the two of them could be a great tag team. He continues on to say that if Kozlov joins him, then Eve will make love to him. Kozlov looks interested for a minute before Eve says that’s not true, and Santino clarifies that Eve would love for Kozlov to join with Santino, not the other thing.
The match starts with Eve and Maryse. Or, it would, if one of them would attack the other. They stand there for about a minute, just laughing at one another. Eve finally goes at Maryse, who knees her and then Irish Whips Eve, who rolls over Maryse. Maryse then drop kicks Maryse, who moves to the corner to take Regal in. Santino is tagged in, and seems to be luring Regal in. The crowd chants for Santino, who acts a little embarrassed. Santino looks like he’s trying to do a leg sweep to Regal, who finally gets sick of him and throws Santino around, calling him a ‘bloody idiot’. He goes for the Regal Stretch, but Eve kicks him, breaking it up, and Maryse goes after her. The ref and Regal are both watching the Divas, and Kozlov comes in, chokeslamming Regal before rolling out of the ring and walking up the ramp with Maryse. Santino’s arm covers Regal, and Eve and Santino win.
Diva’s Champion Eve Torres & Santino Marella win.
Bret Hart is on his way to the ring for an important announcement concerning next week’s show!
<COMMERCIAL>
The WWE shows their annual Memorial Day package, which is dedicated to the fallen soldiers in the United States Military who died to protect the freedoms we hold dear today. Happy Memorial Day, everyone!
Justin Roberts then introduces the new General Manager of RAW, Bret “The Hitman” Hart! Bret comes to the ring and says that even though he’s only been General Manager of RAW for about a week, he’s having loads of fun. He got together with Smackdown General Manager, Theodor Long, and decided to do something special for next week! All of the Superstars from RAW and Smackdown are going to come together under one roof live next week, and it’s going to be a three hour special RAW! But, not just any special three hour RAW! The fans are going to be apart of the action. The fans can tell their ideas to Bret, and the WWE Superstars can even bring their ideas to Bret
It’s a new day… it’s a new generation…
Ted DiBiase comes out to the ring, joined by Virgil, and says that if Bret and Teddy Long are accepting suggestions, he’s got one: Make him General Manager for the night. Not guest host, but General Manager, with complete power. He says that he’s willing to pay Bret and Teddy Long whatever it takes, because, even though Bret may stand there an dlook like he’s too good to be bought, everybody has a price. Ted goes on to say that Teddy Long will be bought off easily, and the reason Bret came back to the WWE and became RAW’s General Manager was because he needed money. He says that the only thing Bret has to do to make all his problems go away is name is price.
Ashton Kutcher comes over the TitanTron with one of his pre-taped clips and tells them to wait. Before Bret gives that power to Ted DiBiase, why don’t they give that power to the fans? The only thing they have to do is make it a Viewer’s Choice, let the fans pick the matches and stipulations all across the board. Bret agrees, so next week’s RAW is not only three hours long, but is a Viewer’s Choice RAW!
No Chance… that’s what you’ve got…
Look Busy! The boss is comin’!
Vince seems rather happy tonight as he makes his way down the ramp, and Jerry Lawler points out that this is the first time we’ve seen him since Wrestlemania 26. Vince talks to Bret, asking if he got all of the violence on his heart out. Bret says mostly, and a ‘You Tapped Out’ chant starts. Vince claims he didn’t really, and tells Bret that he has to treat the WWE Universe as children, and he means that in the most complimentary way. But, what he means by that is that they can’t make the right decisions, and sometimes, you have to make the decisions for them. Bret says that he’s ready for whatever the WWE Unvierse is going to throw at him, and tells Bret that he hopes Bret’s story as General Manager has a happy ending.
Turns out Zack is still trying to figure out who his hitman is, and he’s confronted Randy Orton about it. Randy tells Zack that if he wanted to take him out, they wouldn’t be having this conversation. Alicia Fox grabs Zack’s hand and leads him away, claiming that she knows how to figure out who it is. Randy watches them go, and then the door opens slightly and then slams shut on Randy’s shoulder. Edge stands there as Randy holds his shoulder, and then steps over him and heads out like nothing happened.
<COMMERCIAL>
The Miz vs Daniel Bryan
AWESOME!! I came to play!
Miz comes to the ring first, followed by Daniel Bryan, who is still coming down to the NXT theme. There is a replay here of what happened on NXT last time, where Michael Cole confronted Daniel Bryan (who looked like his fashion sense was very Miz-inspired). Bryan says that Michael Cole isn’t a man because he can’t escape from a simple handshake. Security rushes in, and Cole slaps Bryan. Bryan chased Cole around the ring and security finally pushes him off. The pros watch as Bryan comes up, and Miz tells Bryan he should just leave, only for Bryan to get mad and punch Miz. The two go at each other, only for security to end up escorting Bryan backstage.
In the ring, Daniel quickly gains the upperhand, putting Miz in an armbar. The ref is trying to pull Daniel off. When he finally gets off, Daniel runs into the turnbuckle, and Miz gets him with a take down before he just begins wailing on Bryan, ending it with a kick to the face before going for a cover. Bryan kicks out at two. He then slaps Miz, and Miz starts wailing on him. Miz then throws Bryan into the corner before hitting him with a swinging corner clothesline. From there, Miz climbs up the turnbuckle and jumps off, driving his fists into Bryan’s shoulders and Michael Cole won’t shut up about how outraged he is by Daniel Bryan’s actions on NXT and blah blah blah. No one likes you, Cole, go find your real family. Miz keeps wailing on Bryan, who finally gains the upper hand and gets Miz in some arm bar/headlock move. Miz rolls back to cover, but Bryan moves and manages to cover Miz for the win.
Daniel Bryan wins.
After the match, Miz attacks Brian, throwing him out of the ring. Miz climbs out and kicks Bryan’s head before picking him up and taking him to the announce table, telling him to apologize to Cole. Bryan then elbows Miz’ gut before sending him flying over the announce table and into Michael Cole. Is there going to be a match with Michael Cole and Daniel Bryan next week?!
<COMMERCIAL>
Cole claims to be assaulted for the second time in less than a week, but no one besides Jerry Lawler seems to care… Actually, Jerry doesn’t even seem to care that much. A replay to last week is played where the new tag team attacks the Hart Dynasty.
We come back to RAW to see the new tag team standing the ring, saying that the whole world is tripping over them. They are Jay and Jimmy Uso, Rikishi’s twin sons, with Tamina Snuka, Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka’s daughter. They claim that the Hart Dynasty aren’t the only ones with family that run deep in the business. The Harts were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. They claim they were born and created for one purpose: Dominate!
The Hart Dynasty comes out, and Tamina and Natalya roll out of the ring. The Hart Dynasty goes for the Hart Attack, but Tamina grabs Tyson’s ankles, and turns just in time to deliver a vicious clothesline to Natalya. Tamina takes Natalya back in the ring, and the three of them perform a frog splash on all three members of the Hart Dynasty.
Still to come, the Main Event! Will Randy Orton be able to compete, or will Cena have to find a new partner?!
<COMMERCIAL>
Oh, radio, tell me everything you know…
We come back in time for Zack Ryder and Alicia Fox to come down to the ring. Zack says that he knows Ashton Kutcher put a hit out on him, and Alicia had a great idea: Come down to the ring and demand to know who it was. Because that’s not common sense or anything. Ashton comes on the TitanTron and asks if Zack wants to know who it is. Zack says yes, and Jerry Lawler starts into the ring with a chair.
Zack Ryder with Alicia Fox vs Jerry “The King” Lawler with Steel Chair
Zack seems amused that it would be Jerry, but Jerry merely sits on the chair. Ashton gets Zack’s attention again and says that it’s not Jerry. Jerry climbs out of the ring, and different music hits.
Zack Ryder with Alicia Fox vs The Great Khali
Zack and Alicia immediately climb out of the ring as Khali makes his way to the ring, alone. He climbs in, looks at them, and then raises his arms. The crowd cheers, but Ashton comes back on and says that it’s not The Great Khali either.
Zack Ryder with Alicia Fox vs Goldust
Goldust starts down the ramp and takes a breath, but Ashton says it’s not him either. Zack claims that he’s getting really paranoid, and he just wants to know who it is. Ashton says that he’ll never see it coming. Alicia grabs the mic and says something unimportant. She goes to hand it back, but they both drop it. Zack bends over to grab it, and Alicia hits him with a scissor kick. Ashton claps, confirms it was Alicia, and then we’re reminded that the first Fatal 4Way match announced will be Randy Orton vs Edge vs Sheamus vs WWE Champion John Cena for the WWE Championship. Gonna be honest, I kind of like the theme for Fatal 4Way.
Edge is back in the back, getting ready, when Sheamus shows up. Sheamus says that he saw what Edge did to Orton and he liked it. He heard what Edge said earlier, and Edge was right: He’s nothing like Sheamus, and they don’t trust one another. Edge says if they’re smart, they can weaken Cena like he weakened Randy. Sheamus says that if Edge takes advantage of something at Sheamus’ expense, it’ll be the last mistake Edge ever makes.
<COMMERCIAL>
WWE Classics honors The Junkyard Dog this week, who died in 1998 in a car accident. Next week, RAW will be hosted by the cast of The A-Team!! Don’t forget, next week also starts at 8/7 PM Eastern/Central and is a Viewer’s Choice! During RAW, go to WWE.com to cast your opinion!
Edge and Sheamus vs WWE Champion John Cena and …??
You think you know me…
Edge makes his way to the ring followed by Sheamus, though neither of which looks like they actually trust one another.
Brrrrrrrr… SHABADOOOO!!!!
John Cena comes out with the WWE Championship and a mic. He says that he has unfortunate news: Since Edge decided to take out Randy Orton’s shoulder, Randy will be unable to compete. He says that Edge had a good plan to try to leave him short-handed, but Edge didn’t count on one thing: Every Superstar backstage hates Sheamus and Edge, so Cena could have anyone he wanted as a partner. He says that the partner he picked was a human wrecking ball, and had a particular beef with Edge.
Edge and Sheamus vs WWE Champion John Cena and Evan Bourne
I was really excited to see that Evan was getting his chance tonight, and he did prove to me, at least, that he can pull of main events. Anyway, Cena and Edge start. They lock up, and Edge knees Cena in the gut before punching him in the head. The then bounces John off the turnbuckle and punches him in the head again as Cena falls. Edge Irish Whips Cena, who gives Edge a bulldog, and then tags in Evan. Evan gives Edge some pretty solid kicks, and then takes Edge down. Edge shoves Evan to the mat, then Irish Whips him, only for Edge to counter with a hurricanrana. Evan then hits a standing dropkick, followed by a twisting drop kick which knocks Edge out of the ring.
<COMMERCIAL>
When we come back, Cena is beating Sheamus down. Cena Irish Whips Sheamus across the ring and then tags in Evan. Evan launches himself across the ring at Sheamus and then covers, but Sheamus kicks out at two. Evan continues hitting Sheamus with a series of kicks aimed at his thighs before Sheamus knocks him down. Sheamus then picks Evan up and runs him into the turnbuckle, hitting his back before tagging in Edge. Edge elbows Evan down, stomping on him before laying him partially out of the ring. He kicks his head and then elbows him out onto the floor. He gets Evan back in before tagging in Sheamus, who lifts Evan up for a suplex. Evan brings his knees down, hitting Sheamus in the head. As soon as Evan’s feet hit the mat, he’s kicking Sheamus’ thighs again. He tries to jump to Cena, but Sheamus catches him and throws him away from his corner, where he clotheslines Evan, and ten goes for a cover. Evan kicks out at two.
Sheamus drops a knee on Evan’s face before stepping on Evan and tagging Edge in. Edge kicks Evan’s side, then hurls Evan across the ring into the turnbuckle. He goes for a cover, but Evan kicks out at two. Evan manages to gain a little momentum here, but Edge then kicks him in the face and goes for another cover. Again, Evan kicks out at two. Edge puts Evan in a headlock, but Evan manages to fight out and hit an insigari on Edge, leaving both of them motionless for a moment in the ring, tagging their partners in before the ref can hit six on the count.
Sheamus gets hit with a few shoulder blocks before Cena drops him and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle. He lifts Sheamus for the Attitude Adjustment, but Sheamus manages to counter and slam Cena to the ground. Sheamus goes for his kick, but Cena moves. Evan jumps up, managing to kick Sheamus in the head. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment, and then Edge goes for a Spear, instead hitting the turnbuckle. Cena tags Evan in, and Evan hits Air Bourne before covering Sheamus for the win.
WWE Champion John Cena & Evan Bourne win!
Overall Thoughts: Overall, it was a pretty good RAW. Once again, the guest host segment was retarded, and I was a little disappointed that Ashton Kutcher’s segments were all pre-filmed instead of it all being live. But, the main event had some good action, and I’m glad that Evan got a push to the main event. Next week, I’ll be in class for about the first… half hour of RAW or so, but I’ll see if I can’t get a summary from a friend or something for ya. Also, next week is the return of the BWF Tweets!! Use the hashtag #BWF on Twitter to get your tweets in the review!! Seeya next week!