Same deal as last week folks. Thanks to a busy day I’m watching Impact while extremely tired and eating my lunch.
The show starts with a small segment with Magnus. He said he left it all in the ring and goes to talk about EGO interfering. Roode comes in and EGO beat Magnus down, telling him he’ll never be champion and he only has himself to blame.
This is my most hated week of the year. Don’t get me wrong, I love my country, and I love my neighbors to the north in Canada, but in the business I work in outside of BoredWrestlingFan, and in the city in which I work in said business, this is one of the most stressful weeks of the year. We’re busy early in the week for Canada Day, and then we’re busy later in the week for Independence Day. On top of that, this week marks 11 years I’ve been in said business, so I face the fact that for over a decade, I haven’t been able to find anything better than what I do. Oh well. Let’s go!
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, give you the gist of the first 30, then review the rest of the show with semi-factual information. Except this week, because I don’t feel like it. What are you gonna do about it? Complain? To who? This is my site, I do what I want with my reviews. Plus, I play by my own rules. Screw you, G’s SmackDown Reviews!
Felt like doing something for the site’s fifth anniversary, and since no-one else seems to be covering Impact, I thought I’d give it a try.
This will be more of a review than a recap of the whole show, as I’m sure the BWF anniversary show will be packed. So I will keep it brief.
First off, let’s look at the wrestling. Our first match was Chavo Gurrero vs. Hernandez. It looked like the first five minutes of what could’ve been a decent 15 minute match – minus the last ten minutes. Hernandez wins after Chavo tried a sunset flip, and Hernandez rolled out and hooked his legs for a press. Over way too quick to make any kind of lasting impression, and I think Hernandez might’ve botched the finish slightly, as it took him a few seconds to hook Chavo.
Our second match of the night was Samoa Joe PRISON RAPING Robbie E. Robbie got in an eye gouge and a few shots to the head and that was it. Joe never let up for a second, and got the win w/his cradle-neckbreaker combo. It was the kind of straight up squash we haven’t seen since the days of the original WWF Saturday morning syndicated programs.
We had a six-man tag between newly crowned Tag Team Champions Gunner and “Cowboy” James Gunn w/new X-Division Champion Chris Sabin against former tag champs “The IT Factor” Bobby Rude and “The Greatest Man who Ever Lived,” Austin Aries w/former X-Division Champ Kenny King. Not a lot of double teaming in this match, just paring off of two men from each team every few seconds. The match breaks down into a spot-fest ending w/Sabin getting the pin on Kenny King. Not a bad match in any way, shape or form, but nothing I haven’t seen before either.
TNA Knockouts Champ Mickey James took on Taler Hendrix in a knockouts match. James spent the first half of the match selling Hendrix big, and applauding for her every time she hit a move with a less than sincere smile. James wraps this up by selling an arm injury and hiding behind referee ODB, then hitting an uppercut on Hendrix when she gets too close. James gets the three with an unconvincing spin-kick to the shoulder. I might become a Taler Hendrix fan, but not because of this match.
And now, our main event of the evening; Champion Bully Ray faces Jeff Hardy in a ladder match! However the title is not on the line, so instead, a hammer will be the prize hung from the roof. Whoever gets to it first gets to use it as a weapon.
The match was a botchy, clumsy affair, with some scary spots, like Ray just yanking the ladder out from Hardy, who went straight down hard, and landed ugly. Ray gets the hammer but takes a “twist-of-fate” stunner. The hammer goes flying right into Jeff’s hand. Ray runs away and Jeff collapses trying to chase him. A ref helps Jeff to the back and we get NO DECISION MADE ON THE MATCH!
Now let’s look at some other aspects of the show.
First off, the show’s major storyline was the Hogan, Brooke, Bully angle. The show opened with Bully bragging about his win over Sting at Slamerversary, and demanding to be put in the TNA Hall of Fame. General Manager Hulk Hogan came out to “give the Devil his due,” and congratulate Ray on winning with nothing but the help of the entire “Aces & Eight’s” stable, and a hammer. Hogan announces the “Bound for Glory” series will start this month, and he brings out Jeff Hardy. Hogan books the ladder match right then/there, with Hardy getting NO mike time and NO dialogue. Hardy does get to pull the hammer out of his pants, and Hogan did mention this would be Hardy’s chance at payback for things that happened to him earlier.
We get a backstage segment where Bully is talking to another A&E member I don’t know over a few dozen beers. He wonders why Hogan would put the beloved Jeff Hardy in a match this dangerous, and why A&E doesn’t have a rep in the BFG series. The other guy hints at wanting to be “Vice President” of the group, and Ray walks off.
After the match, Bully runs backstage to breath heavily, yell for his belt, and plop his ass down on the ground. Hogan sneaks up behind Ray with a hammer in his hand. He raises it over the unsuspecting champ. Brooke Hogan screams “NO” and runs into frame. Brooke is between her father and her husband. Hogan stares at Brooke, Brooke stares at Ray, and Ray stares at both of them, then runs off. So basically, Hogan was ready to STRAIGHT-UP MURDER HIS COMPANY’S CHAMPION ON NATIONAL TV, and his daughter had to stop him.
Another major storyline was Devon trying to get his belt back. Devon comes out demanding Abyss return the TV title that he won at Slamerversary. Joseph Park comes out instead, saying he won’t be bullied anymore, and taking Devon down. Joseph wails away on Devon, but when the fight spills outside, Devon gets the upper hand and beats Park into a bloody mess. Abyss’ music hits, and Devon jumps back in the ring, ready to face him. When Abyss doesn’t come out, Devon decides to go look for him. Devon spends the whole show checking for Abyss backstage w/another A&E member I don’t know. Eventually Abyss catches up with them and leaves them both laid out, saying he’s taking the title into the Abyss.
Ummm… Isn’t Joseph Park supposed to be Abyss? I thought it was a “split personality” gimmick. Is everyone supposed to go along with the idea of them being two people?
Side Note: To my knowledge, this is the most success anyone in TNA has had against “Aces & Eights.”
Former MMA star and failed Mr. T impersonator “Rampage” Jackson made his TNA debut tonight. He came out to the ring saying he wanted to face the best in TNA. Kurt Angle came out to accommodate him. This ended with some heated words, but without incident.
So we’re setting up an untrained rookie to fight a guy in his 40’s with a history of neck injuries?
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
Mickey James is working Eve Torres’ old “two-face” gimmick. We had a segment of her apologizing to Velvet Sky for standing around like a deer in headlights when Gail Kim jumped her last week, and totally blowing off her challenge for a title match. She did work in a plug for the Lottery game that has her and Gail Kim as “mascots,” so that was nice.
This specific episode should thank its lucky stars that the past ten years of Impact have sucked so badly, because they make this episode look so much better by comparison. Compared to a good wrestling show however, it’s still lacking. The show wound up being all about the Hogan-Brooke-Bully Ray triangle while the few people I might’ve cared about were regulated to filler matches. I’ll give the show a C minus because it at least kept the pace moving along, and most of the stuff on the show did actually lead somewhere, but so far I am NOT impressed.
Ok. It’s 2AM. I just had to reset my laptop to my last backup image, which was back in March, which means I just lost a shit-ton of stuff. So, keep regular backups, kids. Fear not, because I’m still here to review RAW. I will warn you that there will be a LOT of fast forwarding through this episode. Since I won’t have a lot of time to read it on BWF Radio this Sunday, since it’s BWF’s 5th birthday and we’re hoping to have some great guests, I don’t really care if this is detailed or not. Let’s go!
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, avoid spoilers like (and from) the plague, and then watch the entire show when I get here. That’s how ThinkSoJoE’s RAW reviews work. Also, I play by my own rules. Screw you, SmackDown review!
We open with a recap of WWE champion C.M. Punk running away from Ryback on last weeks’ show, leaving his team to be decimated by Team Foley. Backstage, Miz tells Heyman he quits.
We go to the ring for a six-man tag with Sin Cara, Rey Mysterio and R-Truth against U.S. champ Antonio Cesaro and the Prime Time Players (Young/O’Neil.) Truth and the masked men win the match with a head scissors, 619, and a “little Jimmy.” During the match, Re and Cara seemed to have some legit confusion over a double team.
Lawler returns next week.
Vicki Guerro came out to talk about AJ and Cena some more. I think the crowd was chanting “QUIET!” I’m not sure. Cena came out and brought up her being GM on Smackdown while being married to Edge, and hooking up with Dolph Ziggler. He calls her something I don’t understand. We get videos of AJ in a bathrobe knocking on a door, and John in a towel opening and closing a door. Vicki demands AJ come out. AJ, on the tron, threatens to attack Vicki if she comes out, Ziggler steps in and implies AJ is a whore. Cena heads to the back. Vicki laughs manically.
Backstage; Heyman talks Wade Barrett into joining Team Punk. Barrett hints at a favor.
Hell No comes out. We get Daniel Bryan against Cody Rhodes. A brawl on the outside sets up a win for Cody. Cody grabs the mike and brags that Sandow could beat Kane. Kane grabs Sandow.
We get Kane verses Sandow. Bryan chases Cody into the ring. The ref throws them both out. Kane wins with a choke-slam.
Cole interviews referee Brian Maddox. Maddox screwed Ryback out of the title at Hell in a Cell so he could be famous. Vince comes out and says if Maddox can beat Ryback next week, Maddox will get a $1,000,000 contract. He sends Maddox out and calls out Vicki Guerro. He scares Vicki into booking Punk into a three-way defense against Ryback and John Cena.
We get Sheamus against Miz with Big Show at ringside next. Miz looks good, getting in a lot of offense and dominating the match, but it ends with a brogue kick and a three-count for Sheamus.
Backstage; Vicki comes out of Vince McMahons office and tells Dolph Ziggler he’s the new captain of Punk’s team. Punk steps in to voice his objections; Vicki tells them they’re facing Ryback and Cena in tonight’s main event.
We get a promo for FANDANGO?
Backstage; we have Sheamus; thanking Stephen Regal for all his support, and agreeing to have dinner with him.
We get a recap of Vicki’s “evidence,” against AJ, and then we watch Aksana and Eve walk to the ring.
Our next match is Layla/Kaitlin vs. Divas champion Eve and Aksana. Kaitlin pins Eve and no-one cares.
Backstage; Alberto Del Rio and Roberto Rodriguez discuss being on Team Ziggler when Rosa Mendez bumps into ADR. He smiles and they hit the ring.
WWE IC champ Kofi Kingston comes out, followed by Ricardo announcing ADR, who drives out in a $500k Aston Martin. We get a recap of last Friday’s Smackdown, where ADR cost Randy Orton a loss against Wade Barrett, and Randy responded by attacking him backstage.
Our next match is Kingston vs. Del Rio. It’s a hard fought match, with the tide going back and forth until Orton’s music hits and distracts Del Rio, allowing Kofi to get the pin, and Orton to run in and RKO Del Rio.
We get a recap of the Maddox interview and Co-Bro (Santino Morella and Zack Ryder,) come out.
We get a tag team match with Co-Bro vs. Mo-Co (Primo/Epico) w/Rosa. We get a chant for Ryder and Santino gets the pin w/the Cobra.
Next up is Wade Barrett vs. Brodus Clay. Barrett is clearly the crowd favorite, despite the “Funkadactyls,” embarrassing attempt to rally the crowd. Barrett wins with the “souvenir.”
We get footage of people in a pub for some reason, and then we get Heath Slater w/Jinder Mahal vs. Jay Uso w/Jimmy Uso. Slater wins with the “Smash Hit,” (wide swinging DDT.)
And now, our main Event
WWE heavyweight champion C.M. Punk comes out with Paul Heyman. Punk recaps his victories over Ryback and Cena, and mentions his reign has been 351 days and he is the best in the world. Ziggler comes out followed by Cena (to a hostile crowd) and Ryback.
Our main event is a tag team match, Ryback/Cena vs. Punk/Ziggler. Cena carries most of the match as the face in peril. The big finish is Cena making the tag and Ryback devastating their opponents. He tosses Ziggler out of the ring like a doll, and pins Punk with the Shell-shock. The show closes with a Cena/Ryback stare down and Ryback going “Feed Me More…Feed Me More…etc.”
We open with a montage of RAW highlights and a sample of the new theme. Vincent Kennedy McMahon himself is out first thank us for getting them to 1000 shows and to welcome us to Monday Night Raw. His spot is short and to the point (as you’ll see, it’s the only one that was.) And he introduces us to DEGENERATION X!
Triple H and The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels are out first. Shawn makes a joke about needing to catch his breath, and Triple H makes a joke about his underwear bunching up on him.
We open on a video of Eric Appreciation night and how the faces dumped him into a port-a-pottie leaving him covered in Shite.
Flair stands in the ring and gives us that rousing title line. I couldn’t help but crack up laughing when that was said then after calling out Hogan added this line after being asked to be a judge on GutCheck, “I love hangin around the kids” Gotta love Flair when he says those lines.
Knockout title match with Gail and Madison vs Brooke and Velvet, and I have to admit that Velvet is putting forth effort. ONLY one clothesline so far. I lied there was one more. Brooke Tessmacher who is still amazing me with her advancements beats Gail with her own move.
RVD comes out to brag about who he is…I fast forward. Then I see The two Robs in a match against Devon again no less. I fast forward.
Well while watching wrestling I must have picked up on a American Idol feed, The Gut Check Challenge judges Flair, Bruce Pritchard, and oh my god Al Snow who is doing more than breaking up fights with D’lo argue over Alex Silva who is vying for a TNA contract. Reality TV in wrestling I haven’t seen that since well the 90’s.
Hogan gasses up Anderson by making his match with Roode a NO DQ. Because you know he’s Hogan and he’s impartial while giving it to the heels this time.
Jeff and RVD have a match and I really don’t care. Fast Forward. Note: Why don’t I care? well lets see both wrestlers could cut a promo if there life depended on it. And secondly they both have a predetermined set of move that they perform in a perticular sequence that just looks stale after awhile. So NO.
RVD wins. there. Jeremy Borash is talking about his hatred for Eric then Bully Ray steps out to you know bully Borash.
Austin Aries comes out to not save Borash but to get in Ray’s face. A good segment where Ray gets in his cheap shot.
Six man tag, Daniels/Kazarian/Angle vs Styles/Magnus/Joe where they tease the reveal of the evidence on AJ. But you’ll have to wait till next week. Good Match with the faces going over.
We have the results of the Gut Check Challenge and like a bad American Idol parody we find out that Alex Silva is getting a TNA contract.
Roode and Anderson match up and I actually care about this bout. Intense and just when Roode is going to put away Anderson, Hardy comes out only to get mic checked by Anderson who in turn gets blasted with the chair leading to a fisherman buster for the win.
Besides some painful spots TNA wasn’t that bad this week. Can’t wait for the AJ reveal.
Welcome back. After having help last week from Matt B. Wrestle, I’ve decided to return and review this weeks Impact. The final impact before Genesis TNA’s opening PPV. And I’ll be happy to report I kinda didn’t like it as a lead into Genesis I was basically bored by the events but it could be that I’m an old man by wrestling fan status (27) and feel like I’ve seen it all. Lets begin.
Roode umpteenth replay of his leader of the selfish generation gimmick plays just to remind people that Roode is a bad man (again.) Steve Borden comes to the ring and calls out Jeff Hardy. This is suppose to again absolve Jeff of his victory road debacle and bring the story full circle since Steve alter ego Sting was his embarrassed opponent. But this is interrupted by Bobby Roode, the aforementioned leader of the selfish generation. Who brings tag alongs Angle and Bully Ray. Roode admonishes Steve Borden for picking favorites and how he should praise Angle for beating up rednecks and Ray for having awesome calves?! Oh and him because he is the face of the company. Then they are interrupted by James Storm and Abyss, who basically talk over the heels which prompts steve to set up a six man tag match. You know because both companies love to compact entertainment into one main event. Have a bias against six man tag matches or random tag matches in general? Yes. Yes I do.
Oh look its Madison in a bikini and a mole that may or may not be cancerous like her whole persona.
Face, back whatever it still looks suspect
Science is still out on that one. She spots Traci at a pool and proceeds to announce that they have a tag match set up for the Knockout titles. This is all before the hazing that takes place when Gail and Madison double team Traci and attempt to drown her. Thank god for Mickie who jumps in for the save. And then we have the Knockouts Tag team match.
Its basically a brawl which has a fired up Traci vehemently attacking Gail and in some instance Rayne with occasional assists from James. *Sidenote here* So the mystery woman from last week was Madison? Here I was hoping for some new talent. Gail beats Traci with her heel move “Eat Defeat” to retain the titles.
Random Eric Young segment where he’s interviewed by Wonder Years about whats he up to. He looking for ODB so they can have their match even though they already lost. But whatever.
The Wild Card Tag Team Tournament. We see the two remaining teams Joe/Magnus and Kaz/AJ go through the pre match backstage segments/interviews. Really this whole tournament was kind of one dimensional. Aside the Magnus return to the ring nothing was special about it. Too predictable with so much interference it took the joy from it. For what should be an intense match turns sour before the opening bell. Kaz who is having secret meetings with Daniels really just ruins and makes an all too predictable out come. Long story short, Kaz leaves in similar fashion to Shannon Moore, leaving AJ stranded to take a whooping aligning himself with Daniels.
Finally, Kazarian has a storyline. Look at him smile.
Crimson/Morgan or Blue Streak take on Joe and Magnus at Genesis.
Oh. Garett Bishoff returns to ref but is told by GM Borden he is a wrestler. And Eric Young invades the KO locker room looking for ODB only to throw Madison inside a locker before fleeing. Gunner takes on RVD, so since we know who wins lets just skip to the no Flair at ringside that took Steve 3 weeks to institutionalize surprisingly only when RVD is present. Because god forbid he has to take time off. RVD wins with a DQ and a save from D’lo. Al Snow and Simon Diamond. These three guys moved so slow it took 3 weeks of spiked ddt’s for them to make it ringside. Now announced is a Gunner vs RVD match which doesn’t look promising at all. Just saying.
X division tag match with RANDOM I mean the four participants who will face each other for the X divison title come Genesis. Austin Aries (c) Kid Kash, Jesse Sorenson, and Zema Ion. THree heels and a face its possible right??
Sorenson wins with the cross roads. Setting up the eventual Austin Aries win come Genesis. And now that I think about it where is the Ultimate X match that should be taking place here?
Eric Young finds ODB taking pics of dudes and they wrestle then kiss. AAAHH! Cody Deener part deux is on its way.
Even Charlie Sheen wouldn't come back for this Part Deux
Blue Streak and Joe and Magnus brawl.
Main Event time. Six Man tag Match! ———–The heels beat the stuffing out of the faces. Roode has Hardy in the crossface, Angle has Storm in an Ankle lock and Ray is choking out Abyss with a chain. I could go through that match it would of bored me to tears.
call the story police, please.
So hopefully until Genesis, THis is Pintnoir fading to black.
Last night was Survivor Series and I don’t think I felt the hate that others did. I thought the first hour was pretty good (sans Super Dave reminding us this was his 10-year anniversary with the company). I was surprised with the 10-man tag match. I thought Orton was winning all along and instead, Rhodes and Barrett were made to look strong. I hated the way that Sheamus was eliminated. And I really hated the way Sin Cara was eliminated. He is getting a push and a build that any wrestler would KILL for. And he does nothing but piss on it with his attitude, ego, wellness violations and an in-ring style that makes Mason Ryan look like Ric Flair. I know accidents happen, but you really should be able to not mess up as much as he does. Right now, he’s not ready from an in-ring standpoint for the wrestling fundraiser at the VFW, much less the national stage of the WWE.
Sorry for my Sin Cara tangent. I know I was able to go grocery shopping, rotate my tires and read “Of Mice and Men” in the time it took Big Show to get to the top rope and do a Savage elbow. But it was am incredible moment. I dare say that was the “Holy s***” moment of the year from WWE. And of course, the CM Punk moment with Howard Finkel announcing him as new champion was indescribable. I also thought Miz and Truth didn’t look weak against Cena & Rock. Rock has never minded trying to make a new star. There were some moments I could have lived without, mostly involving Super Dave Osborne, David Otunga and Matista, the Walking Wellness Violation.
Raw opened as it should have. CM Punk, The Champ, walking to the ring. Punk is just money on the mic. Then Super Dave Osborne killed the atmosphere. CM Punk went off on him. Punk can draw a good segment even out of Super Dave. The fans do not want Super Dave on tv.
They showed footage of The Rock cutting a promo and the crowd chanting “We Want Ryder.” Wow. They introduced Zack Ryder and the crowd chanted like he was Stone Cold in 1997. As Ricardo Rodriguez came out to the ring, Zack Ryder grabbed the mic and said “Woo woo woo. You know it.” I’m not sure how I feel about this. Two of my favorite personalities going after each other. It was a quick match. Alberto Del Rio destroyed him. I get what the WWE was trying to do here. Getting heel heat on ADR by him beating Ryder. But instead of heat, it just killed the crowd.
Then came out my Team Pasty White idol, Sheamus. He got Jack Swagger. Their match was pretty good. They are both two very good athletes, so if they feud, the matches should be really good. Jack Swagger just makes me mad. And it has nothing to do with the person. I think that if he were in Ring of Honor, he’d be champ. He looks so uncomfortable being a character.
Kevin Nash cut a promo. Nobody cares about Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash doesn’t induce heel heat. He doesn’t induce any heat. The only thing worse than a hated wrestler is a wrestler people don’t care about. That’s exactly what Nash is.
Cody Rhodes squashed Santino Marella. Even Michael Cole said, “Thanks for coming, Santino.” The commentary was a lot better tonight. Cody Rhodes threw a glass of water at his half-brother’s former tag team partner. I like that they’re planning on using Booker T to create talent.
Dolph really is the unsung hero of the WWE. It was really probably the biggest match on Raw this year. I feel bad that I couldn’t write more detail, but it was great.
Good video package for Kane.
Big Show cut a really decent promo. Very short.
Divas are now being forced to pimp video games. Poor things. Beth looked very boobalicious in that outfit. Sorry, you put that out there, I’m going to look. Sorry, Alicia & AJ.
We then got Wade Barrett squashing Kofi Kingston. Then Randy Orton came out. Kofi Kingston looks lower than Curt Hawkins after this match. But Kofi ended up getting some offense at him.
John Cena talked or something. Then Miz and R-Truth came out. They sounded well. Cena sounded like a 10-year-old trying to rile up the other kids on the playground. He tried to stir up crap between Miz and Truth.
For an hour and a half, this was a really good Raw. And then Cena happened and Awesome Truth were dissolved because… ? I think the ending alone makes it a bad Raw.
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