What’s up folks, welcome to our RAW review. We promise not to bite your ear off or eat your children, but we can’t promise you that RAW’s guest host, Mike Tyson, won’t. I’m not sure what else is going on tonight, but I’d expect some interaction between DX and Tyson. Ready? No? Too bad, let’s go!
Ugh. There’s a new episode of Mythbusters on tonight, live tweeted by Grant Imahara, but sadly, RAW is on, so guess what I’m stuck doing.
Johnny Damon from your 2009 World Series Champion New York Yankees (w00t!) is the guest host tonight for Monday Night RAW! I have no idea what’s booked for tonight, but you can assume that it’ll have something to do with the Slammy Award Winning John Cena and his pursuit of the equally Slammy Award Winning WWE Champion, Sheamus. Let’s go!
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban hosts and Chris Jericho takes on DX in a handicapped match tonight. Sound like fun? Didn’t think so. Ah well, try to enjoy it. Here we go!
Great. I get to turn off my beloved Buffalo Sabres to hear a bunch of little people jokes as Verne Troyer hosts Monday Night RAW. Ugh. Let’s get started, I guess.
Ah crap, I forgot this was a 3 hour show… So, it’s 8:30 and I’m just tuning in. I’ll get you the results up to this point and start from here. We’ve got a great guest host tonight in twitter’s cmpg. In the time I typed all this, a whole match happened, so I’d better get started!
@robbyfischer @BrdWrstlngFn I got a beer ready. 🙂 Oh how I miss Austin.
While I may not be able to drink tonight, the beer will likely be flowing tomorrow night when yours truly and BWF’s Random Redhead JT get an early start on our birthday celebrations tomorrow night. For tonight though, it’s time for RAW in Sheffield, England!
@BigBBrown Adolf Hitler will be guest hosting Monday Night Nitro tonight live from Hell.
@RDLee This tweet better make it in the review!!!!!! #BWF – just because we like you.
Last week: Chris Jericho and The Big Show destroyed John Cena and DX.
RAW still wants to be loved – at least, until next week. We’re live from Sheffield, England, and @ClubWWI’s @aaron24wood is in the house!
Ricky Hatton kicks things off as tonight’s guest host. He brags about winning a world title in the same building a few years ago, and then he’s interrupted by the WWE Unified Tag Team Champions, JeriShow, both of whom tower over him.
@IVHORSEMEN Damn Ricky been eating good #wwe #bwf
@_MFS_ good thing I’ve got an energy drink, it’ll keep me awake through the obligatory ‘interrupt the guest host to demand stuff’ start 2 #RAW #BWF
@cmpg Is Jericho and Big Show the unofficial welcoming committee for each new guest host? #WWE #RAW #BWF
Show makes fun of Hatton for being short, and Hatton says he loved it when Show got beaten by a boxer. Show offers Hatton a free shot. Hatton says he needs to get a ladder first. Show kneels down and is still almost as tall as Hatton. Hatton goes for the free shot, but Jericho stops him. Jericho says that Show has enough to worry about with Undertaker and Jericho as his opponents at Survivor Series. Show questions him and Jericho brags about the roll he’s been on. Show says he’s the only one walking out as World Heavyweight Champion at Survivor Series. Hatton makes a match for tonight – JeriShow vs. DX. Jericho says he’s just as bad as all the fans, as only Jericho can. Hatton tells him to speak English. Jericho says he is speaking perfect English. Hatton says he’s just a guy with a bad haircut.
BREAK IT DOWN!
DX arrive on the scene. They tell JeriShow that they’re lucky DX came to save them from getting knocked out by Hatton. Triple H tells Hatton that they’ll take care of the Honey Monster and Mr. Bean tonight. HBK says to forget about tonight, how about right now? He knocks Jericho out of the ring, and Show rolls up his sleeves as though he were going to take on all three of them, but he bails. DX and Hatton do the “two words” shtick and set off the pyro.
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@spicypeanut HHH is speaking about humiliation while wearing spandex underwear while speaking to two men in nice suits. Hey Trips? Are you ok?
Last week: Alicia Fox won a Diva’s Boring Royal.
Kelly Kelly heads to the ring, and she’s got Gail Kim with her for some reason. Alicia Fox is her opponent, and has Jillian with her for some reason. Fox will be getting her Diva’s Championship match next week from Madison Square Garden, which will be attended by @steverechtman.
Alicia Fox def. Kelly Kelly
If you want a review of this match, I’ve got two words for ya. “Who Cares?” Fox wins with the scissor kick.
@fozzyfan RT @WellYoureWrong: I’m convinced Kelly Kelly has no soul. #wwe <– Or brain, or talent, or…
Ricky Hatton introduces his kid to John Cena, who says Hatton is doing an awesome job, but complains that he’s not booked. Hatton says somethingorother that I couldn’t be arsed to pay attention to.
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@AndrewJanus god in heaven…he let his son out of the house dressed like that? #WWE #RAW (Hatton’s kid was wearing a bunch of John Cena and DX merch)
@x_tialicia yuck, Cena is on my tv screen. back to reading Cosmo. #WWE
Last Monday: Sheamus damn near killed Jamie Noble.
Speaking of Sheamus, he’s here! He’s also a part of Team Miz at Survivor Series. It’s Miz, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, Sheamus, and Drew McIntyre vs. John Morrison, Shelton Benjamin, Finlay, Evan Bourne, and Matt Hardy. Sheamus says that last week he said he’d end Jamie Noble’s career, and he did. Right now, he’ll do what the Irish have always done – walk through this Englishman and make him look like a fool
Sheamus vs. some English dude
Poor English dude, he doesn’t even get a name. Sheamus destroys him with ease.
Still to come, Mark Henry vs. Randy Orton, and DX vs. Jeri-Show.
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@NiKiharu How to beat Sheamus: Wrestle during the day. He won’t show up.
The Bella Twins are sucking up to Ricky Hatton backstage. I still can’t understand a word this guy is saying. They challenge him to a game of darts, when Santino shos up dressed like a fat boxer. Santino says his name today is Ricky Fatton. Chavo Guerrero shows up and accuses Santino of sucking up. Chavo says he can beat Hatton at anything. He throws a dart and nearly misses the board, while Hatton gets a bullseye. Chavo says he’s not here to play darts, he’s here to challenge Santino. Hatton says we’ll do boxer vs. wrestler, Chavo vs. Ricky. Not Ricky Fatton, Ricky Hatton.
Look at this tool.
The tool, Josh Matthews, is standing by with The Miz, and wondering how he thinks he’ll be successful at Survivor Series? Miz reminds us that he’s the only person from RAW to win his Bragging Rights match last month, beating captain John Morrison. Jack Swagger interrupts. He says Miz is in awe of Jack Swagger, and brags about being undefeated. Miz should watch what he does to Evan Bourne. They do a babbling argument promo and I lose track of it. Really.
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@DCsPeoplesChamp I wonder how many takes it took for Hatton to get a bullseye…Santino still owns! #bwf
@xsmoothx #RAW You’re watching Monday Night REALLLLLLLY!!!!
@legendkiller515 raw is getting real stale real fast
I agree with @legendkiller515 (no, that’s not BWF’s Legend Killer, if you’re wondering), this show is getting real stale real fast. Maybe this guy can make it better – Evan Bourne hits the ring, and he’s set to job to The All American American, Jack Swagger.
Evan Bourne def. Jack Swagger
As Swagger is dominating this match, The Miz makes his way to the ring. Swagger tries to show off, but he gets kneed in the skull by Bourne, who hits the Shooting Star Press for the win!?!
After the match, Miz says he’s the team captain at Survivor Series, because he’s The Miz, and he’s AWESOME!
Mark Henry is up next!
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@jswrestling It’s still hard for me to believe that Mike from The Real World Season 10 is our US Champion. He’s come a long way.
@_MFS_ So Mark Henry was either doing push ups while standing up or trying to push over a brick way, either way… FAIL #WWE #RAW #BWF
Two weeks ago: Yours truly was subjected to the terrible guest hosting of Kyle Busch and Joey Lagano. Busch, in the RAW car, won at Texas. Whatever that means.
I thought we were going to have a match. but apparently it’s the VIP Lounge with MVP and Mark Henry. They’re in yet another traditional Survivor Series match – Kofi Kingston captains Christian, MVP, Mark Henry, and R-Truth against Randy Orton’s team featuring Legacy, William Regal, and CM Punk. MVP does the usual VIP Lounge spiel. Mark Henry introduces their guest, Kofi Kingston. JAMAFRICAN ME CRAZY, KOFI! They take turns putting each other over. Randy Orton and Legacy crash the VIP Lounge after intimidating the bouncer. Orton calls them a bunch of low class street thugs. Mark Henry stole a victory, MVP is the definition of the common criminal, and Kofi Kingston should be in jail for what he did to Orton’s car. The only reason Orton hasn’t done anything is because he wants to embarrass Kofi and his team at Survivor Series. Legacy mock the VIP Lounge, and Orton says that they were born into this business and belong here. The only place Henry, MVP, and Kingston belong is the hood where they came from.
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@MissieBird Oh no he didn’t! (at least he didn’t say the only place you belong is in the back of the bus… )
Randy Orton def. Mark Henry
This match is already going on when we come back, and the two combatants’ respective allies are ringside. In the end, Orton drops an RKO out of nowhere for the victory.
After the match, Kofi comes in to check on Henry. Orton slaps him, but Kingston slaps him right back.
Up next, Ricky Hatton faces Chavo Guerrero. Joy.
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@_MFS_ I honestly fell asleep during that last match, woke up when my upstairs neighbor dropped something #WWE #RAW #BWF
@AlyKat_730 … *sighs* I don’t want to watch the main event… and I don’t really wanna watch the boxer v wrestler match.
@chjpacheco #BWF raw has lost it’s step its always boring
The new RAW theme that we told you about two weeks ago is debuting next week. When did Nickelback become the number one band in America? First of all, they suck. Second of all, they’re Canadian.
OOOH, JOBBO!
Chavo’s here, and at least he’s not singing. Ricky Hatton is here dressed like a Mexican. Seriously. Cole even calls him “The Manchester Mexican.” I don’t know if that’s a real thing or not, but it’s ridiculous. Hatton can only win by knockout, Guerrero only by pinfall or submission.
Ricky Hatton def. Chavo Guerrero
Guess what happened? Hatton punched Guerrero and won the match by knockout. Cole says it’s 33 knockouts now for Hatton, as if it actually counts.
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@swimbabe5409 Wtf? Wwe really needs to give @mexwarrior the push he deserves!
@TheGiorgis I’m watching Ricky Hatton vs Chavo Guerrero on RAW. WHY???????
John Cena tries to convince Hornswoggle to stop wearing DX gear. DX shows up, and give Cena the third degree. Cena tells them they should focus on their tag match tonight. They turn “Tweeting” into some kind of gay joke. Thanks Trips. I’m sure all of these folks that were mentioned in this post so far appreciate that. Anyways, DX ask where Hornswoggle is, and Cena calls for him. Hornswoggle comes out from hiding dressed like Cena and does the “Can’t see me” thing. DX leaves and Hornswoggle takes the cena gear off and has his DX gear still on under it.
The Big Show and Chris Jericho take on DX, NEXT!
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Well folks, each and every week, I have to work Monday Nights and it makes me miss the end of the show, and we, like the WWE, have a guest host for Monday Night RAW. Well, tonight is a historic night for BoredWrestlingFan – it’s the first time since we started doing the guest host thing that we’ve got somebody who isn’t a writer for the site taking over. Volunteering for the guest hosting spot this week is one of our Twitter followers, @aemckay!
Cena is with Cole and The King and they discuss Hornswoggle as DX enter the ring.
Michaels and Jericho start the match with some back and forth running strikes. HBK tags in Hunter, who Whips Jericho into the corner. Jericho fights back and backs HHH into the opposite turnbuckle. Jericho hits an Irish Whip and on his way back HHH strikes him with a high knee. Jericho tries again and gets thrown out of the ring as we go to a break.
We come back to find Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels in the ring. Jericho slaps Michaels, then tags in Big Show. Show chokes him and then launches him into the ropes. Michaels counters, goes to pin, and gets thrown off. Big Show gets up, headbutts HBK, walks over him and then tags Jericho back in. Jericho grinds HBK down with some grapples and then tags Show back in. Show brings HBK into the middle of the ring and he jumps in to take HHH.
Show throws HHH to the ropes, goes to anticipate a clothesline and gets a jumping knee for his troubles. HHH then attempts a Pedigree and is thrown over Shows back. Show then takes him to the corner and tags Jericho back in. Jericho kicks HHH, showboats, and then locks in a sleeper hold.
HHH slowly gets up and breaks it, but Jericho knocks him back down. He mocks Micheals then pins Hunter for a 2 count. Jericho tags Show back in and they use HHH’s legs like he was a wishbone. While he’s still on the ground Show walks over then stands on HHH.
Show takes HHH into a turnbuckle, then another, before Hunter tries to fight back. Show knocks him down again and then splashes him, getting a 2 count. Show then grips HHH’s mid section as Jericho talks smack, and Cena quotes him as calling Show “a giant destroyer”.
Show brings HHH up, chops him then tags Jericho in. HHH and Jericho have some back and forth punching until Jericho backs him into the corner and beats on him. Jericho takes HHH to the other corner, goes to Irish Whip him, but HHH gets in a spinebuster. HHH crawls to HBK for a tag, who gets in some vintage running stikes and a kip up, before knocking Show off the apron. Michaels then goes to the top rope for a flying elbow drop, tries to hit a Sweet Chin Music, Jericho counters into a Walls Of Jericho attempt, but HBK fights it off.
Show then comes in as they go into a corner, squashing them both. HBK turns round as Show tries to KO punch him, but HBK ducks and hits Jericho. HHH then takes Show out of the ring and Michaels gets the win.
Justin Roberts then cuts the DX music off to announce that hes just been informed that next week’s main event on RAW will be a triple threat tag team match. It will be D-Generation X vs Chris Jericho & Big Show vs John Cena and his partner…
Cena is standing on top of the announcers table with a smile on his face as we hear a gong sound and the lights go out. We then see flames and smoke at the top of the ramp and The Undertaker appears. DX and Jeri-Show look puzzled as Cena looks confident and ‘Taker stares them all down.
Michael Cole then hypes up the fact it will be at Madison Square Garden next week. He fails to mention the good news of Roddy Piper being the guest host and the bad news of Nickleback’s song being the new RAW theme. That’s Monday Night Raw for another week. It was a decent back and forth tag match but it seemed a little short. I’m sure next week will make up for that though.
Thanks to @aemckay and all the rest of the twitterverse who made it into this week’s RAW review!
Tonight, Cedric the Entertainer guest hosts, and Hell In A Cell opponents John Cena and Randy Orton sign the contract for their WWE Championship match.
Last night, while security was detaining a fan, Randy Orton hit an RKO and pinned John Cena to retain the WWE Championship. It wasn’t really a fan, however, it was Ted DiBiase’s brother Brett. Orton says that Brett DiBiase’s actions were inexcusable, and Cody Rhodes points out that Orton would’ve won anyway.
Floyd “Money” Mayweather is our guest host tonight – but first, it’s the boss, look busy!
Mr. McMahon makes his way to the ring, and he seems to be in a good mood. He says that tonight’s guest host is one of the greatest showmen, one of the greatest fighter of all time, Floyd “Money” Mayweather! But before we get to that, the referee’s decision, despite the controversey, is final. It’s time to clear up that controversey, John Cena will get his rematch in about three weeks on a pay per view. It’s a brand new concept, aptly known as “Breaking Poing,” in which the main events are submission matches. Cena and Orton’s match will be an “I Quit” match. And if anybody interferes on behalf of Orton, he’ll immediately be stripped of the WWE Championship. Have a good night!
BREAK IT DOWN!
Before the chairman can leave ringside, Triple H and HBK, collectively known as Degeneration X, make their way to the ring. Mr. McMahon tells them to have a good night. Triple H says we probably expected them on a tank, but with the economy, they couldn’t afford it. He then says that he doesn’t like good guy Mr. McMahon. It’s creepy. Like Michael Vick at a PETA convention. HBK says it’s yucky. Triple H says there must be a reason he’s in a good mood. The boss says he knows where this is going. HBK asks if today is August 24th. He thinks somebody’s got a birthday. Triple H says it’s Dave Chappelle. HBK says to think whiter and crazier. Triple H says Marley Matlin. HBK says older and more incoherent. Triple H wonders who we know that’s old, crazy, and incoherent. Oh wait! It’s Vincent Kennedy McMahon’s 84th Birthday! The fans start chanting “84.” Triple H corrects himself and says it’s his 74th birthday. The fans chant “74.” Triple H says he’s actually 70. Mr. McMahon says “I’m 64!” Triple H and HBK are surprised that he told everybody how old he is. McMahon tells them to leave. HHH asks how many birthday’s he’s got left, especially in Vegas. HBK says that if he doesn’t want to have a happy birthday, it’s ok, because he’s a pioneer. Triple H says he was a real pioneer with the wagon and everything. HBK says no, he’s the reason we watch WWE Television. If he doesn’t want to have a happy birthday, it’s ok, but he wants to show him a tribute. It’s a nice touching tribute – until they play the clip of “Stand Back.” Then they show a bunch of Vince’s not so proud moments at the hands of not only DX, but Bobby Lashley, Steve Austin, Mae Young and others. McMahon says he won’t forget about this. Triple H says at his age he probably will forget about it, but he certainly won’t forget about this – a birthday cake is wheeled down to the ring as HBK starts singing “Happy Birthday.” Triple H interrupts and says something’s not right. This is Vegas. Anybody can have a cake, but in Vegas, things are done differently. HBK says that he’s been told that whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Triple H says that even if Mr. McMahon sends out memo not to mention his birthday, sometimes people just have to do it anyway. HBK says that he was roped into this, but anyway, you can’t have a Vegas birthday without showgirls. So of course, this brings out the Vegas showgirls. Mr. McMahon asks how much longer this is going to go on. Triple H says they also got him Cirque De Sole, and a couple of the Cirque De Soley pogo stilt guys come out. Mr. McMahon says their masks are really gay. Triple H makes fun of the guys bouncing around the ring, and Vince asks if they’re done. HBK says you can’t have a birthday in Vegas without the king of Rock and Roll, Elvis. An Elvis impersonator makes his way to the ring. McMahon calls him the skinniest Elvis he’s ever seen. Triple H hands him a microphone, and Elvis gives Mr. McMahon his sunglasses and leads everybody in singing Happy Birthday to the chairman. Triple H says he thinks Mr. McMahon should look at his cake – it’s no ordinary cake, if you get what he means. Some music starts playing, and Big Dick Johnson comes out of the cake. Mr. McMahon tosses him out of the ring, and says he’s had enough of this birthday crap. Triple H says there’s one more thing, and they kick out the showgirls, the Crique De Sole guys, and Elvis. HBK says he had nothing to do with this. Triple H says it’s a private thing so we should all close our eyes. He says he’s got one more present for Mr. McMahon. They position him in the ring as if something were going to drop on him, but Rhodes and DiBiase attack from behind. DX fend them off this time, and the WWE Champion appears on the top of the ramp. Triple H says that since Floyd Mayweather hasn’t gotten here yet, it’s going to be all three members of Legacy against DX and their partner, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Mr. McMahon says it’s no disqualification. He says he’s always wanted to do this part – “If you’re not down with that, we’ve got two words for ya!”
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Santino is already in the ring, which means he’s probably doing the J.O.B. His opponent tonight is The Miz… and he’s… AWESOME!
The Miz def. Santino
The Miz looks to be more focused than ever before, and more aggressive as well. Santino starts to build some momentum, but it just takes one mistake on his part for The Miz to hit the Skull Crushing Finale for the win.
After the match, The Miz takes a microphone, and he says he’s now one step closer to defeating Kofi Kingston to become the new United States Champion, because he’s The Miz… and he’s.. AWESOME!
There’s three Divas in boxing gear walking towards the ring. That can only mean one thing – dinnertime!
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I love it when the WWE does these “Did You Know” segments about having more viewers than Monday Night Football when it’s the pre-season, like it’s some kind of accomplishment.
This is a six-Diva cluster*(# “Mayweather Melee”
Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendez, & Alicia Fox def. Gail Kim, Mickie James, & Kelly Kelly
I’m not reviewing this crap. In fact, I didn’t watch it. I went and popped my dinner in the microwave and came back to Beth Phoenix’s team celebrating in the ring.
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HBK is concerned about the match later tonight. HHH is too concerned about The Rise and Fall of WCW DVD. HBK thought they only shilled their own merch. HHH says that they need to get Vince motivated to fight, and he should be absolutely fuming right about now. Backstage, Jillian is dressed like Marilyn Monroe and sings happy birthday to Mr. McMahon until he kicks her out.
Welllll – BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!
Last year, I went to WrestleMania, and I saw Floyd Mayweather knock out The Big Show with a pair of brass knucks. Here, let’s watch it again! Anyways, Big Show says that Mayweather is doing the right thing – he’s hiding from him. If Show gets his hands on him, he’s going to hurt him. He hasn’t forgotten about WrestleMania, and they have some unfinished business. Show says he’s not leaving the ring, and nobody can make him, until Mayweather shows up. Jericho says nobody can make him leave. It’s 9:52, and Floyd Mayweather finally strolls into the arena.
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Big Show and Chris Jericho are awaiting the arrival of Floyd “Money” Mayweather. Lillian introduces him as the Quarter Billion Dollar Man. Floyd makes his way out to the ring with his entourage – and with a stack of money strapped to his arm for some reason. After milking his entrance for about 20 minutes, Mayweather gets in the ring, where he’s towered over by both The Big Show and Chris Jericho. Mayweather reminds Show about WrestleMania, and he says he’ll do it again tonight, but he’s got a September 19th PPV bout that’s more important. Mayweather gets in Jericho’s face. Jericho says that he was introduced as the greatest fighter in the world, but Jericho disagrees. He thinks he’s a great self promoter and a showboater, but he’s not that good of a boxer. He thinks, little man, that his big comeback fight against Juan Manuel Marquez, he’s going to get knocked out. Show says that after Marquez cleans his clock, maybe he and Jericho will step in the ring, take whats left, and wipe him from the face of the planet.
I’m Comin!
MVP makes his way to the stage, and tell Big Show and Jericho that he doesn’t appreciate them talking to Money Mayweather that way, since he’s made him a lot of money. Jericho may look up 16 syllable words in his Oxford Dictionary every week, but Mayweather could knock him out 37 times before he can open his mouth. Kinda like he did to The Big Show last year. Jericho points out that Mayweather did it with the help of 18 friends. MVP says Show could’ve done the same if he had any friends. Jericho says Show is his friend. MVP says the only reason Jericho’s on RAW is because he’s one half of the Unified Tag Team Champions. MVP wishes that somebody would beat them so they could send Jericho back to SmackDown. He asks Mayweather for a tag title shot with a partner of his choosing at Breaking Point. Mayweather says let’s do it tonight. He asks if MVP has a partner in mind. MVP says he does…
Somebody’s gonna get they ass kicked…
Mark Henry joins MVP on the stage, and it looks like we’ve got a tag title match coming up NEXT!
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MVP & Mark Henry def. Chris Jericho & The Big Show
This match is apparently not for the tag titles, but instead if MVP and Henry win, they get a tag title shot at Breaking Point. The Tag Champs keep control of this one by cutting the ring in half and using frequent tags to keep the fresh man in the ring. Gorilla Monsoon would be so proud. The champs are doing a great job of keeping MVP away from Mark Henry as we head to a…
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MVP is still cut off from Mark Henry when we come back. The Unified Tag Team Champions are still dominating this match. MVP rolls out of the way of a Lionsault, and he manages to make the tag. Rather than tag out, Jericho goes straight at Henry. He goes for the Codebreaker, but Henry catches him. Henry goes for the World’s Strongest Slam, but Jericho reverses it into a DDT for a two count. Henry tags MVP back in, who takes Jericho down and hits the Ballin’ elbow for a two count. Jericho hits the running enziguri, but Henry breaks up the pin. He tosses The Big Show out of the ring, and Mayweather puts brass knucks on the hand of MVP, who uses them to knock out Chris Jericho for the win!
Big Show carries Jericho’s unconscious body out of the arena as Floyd Mayweather celebrates with MVP and Mark Henry.
Rhodes and the DiBiases are discussing how they have the advantage in their match tonight, since it’s no DQ. Orton comes in and dismisses Brett DiBiase. He tells the other members of Legacy that tonight, he’s going to take out Mr. McMahon for good.
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Last week, Hornswoggle beat Chavo Guerrero with a little help from Kevin McCallister. This week, they’re going to have a boxing match. The referee tells Chavo he won’t need his gloves. He goes out of the ring and grabs some big glove boxing gloves. Chavo says he’s still gonna knock Hornswoggle out.
Hornswoggle def. Chavo Guerrero (again)
Chavo misses with a punch and Hornswoggle gets some body blows in. This happens a couple of times, and the third time, Hornswoggle gets a headshot, knocking Chavo down for a two or three count. Chavo takes his gloves off and bodyslams Hornswoggle, earning the disqualification.
After the match, Chavo climbs the ropes and is looking for the Frog Splash, when Evan Bourne comes out to make the save. He knocks Guerrero down and hits the Air Bourne before going to check on Hornswoggle.
Still to come, DX and Mr. McMahon vs. Legacy.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Mr. McMahon is warming up backstage with Floyd Mayweather when Carlito walks in and complains that he’s not on the show. Triple H comes in and says Mayweather’s doing a great job. Triple H then says something about getting busy with Stephanie, which prompts Mr. McMahon to knock Carlito out.
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ThinkSoJoE Note: Every week, much like RAW itself, we bring you a special guest host for the main event of RAW – for the sheer fact that I work a night job and cannot cover it myself. This week’s guest host is BWF’s Random Redhead, JT!
Thanks, JT!
My Thoughts: I didn’t hate the opening segment. A lot of people that I talked to tonight did, but I’m not in that category. I actually laughed a couple of times, which is more than I can say about most RAW segments not involving Santino Marella in the last few months.
This “guest host pisses off The Big Show” thing has got to stop. Unless Shaq and Floyd Mayweather are going to be teaming up at whatever PPV is after Breaking Point to take on Jericho and The Big Show, I don’t see the point of it. Also, the same goes for Chavo Guerrero jobbing to Hornswoggle. I get it, the guest hosts are amused by Chavo’s inability to beat the little guy. It’s getting old.
Speaking of old, happy birthday, Mr. McMahon! BTW, Mr. McMahon, if you’re looking for writers for RAW that understand professional wrestling, I can recommend about five people…
As we start, I’m having issues with my computer. Anyways, Freddie
Prinze, Jr. kicks the show off, as he’s tonight’s guest host. He’s a lifelong WWE fan, just like us. He’s got the closet full of action figures, he’s got the Colusseum Home Videos hosted by Mean Gene, and he even had the WWF Superstars of Ice Cream Bars that would make you vomit if you ate them, but tonight’s about the WWE Universe! He decides that we’re going to start SummerSlam right here tonight! The Divas and United States Championships are on the line tonight. Also tonight, the return of DX! But he’s not finished…
He’s interrupted by some ominous sounding music, and some guy in black leather and a hook in his hand, apparently from “I Know What You Did Last Summer” (which sucked, BTW), makes his way down to the ring. The guy takes the microphone and tells him he knows what he did last summer. And he knows what he’s going to do this Summer. You’re going “to put me in one of your mooooovieees!” It’s Santino! He says he would be a good fisherman, and he has written a screenplay called “I know what you did about 12 Summers Ago.” He says he could be in a romantic comedy. He puts on a wig and glasses as the melody from “Kiss Me” plays. He says he’s obviously a nerd, but then Freddy made a bet with the guy from The Fast and the Furiest, and then, Pow, Santino is like a sexy, hot guy. They could call it, “He’s All That.” Freddie thinks it’s good, but Santino needs a little help. Santino says he needs something more current. He points out that Prinze will be in “24,” and Santino thinks he needs a partner. Santino goes into FBI mode and interrogates Lillian Garcia. He tells Prinze to call Keifer Sutherland, and his wife the werewolf slayer, and tell them that Santino Marella is an actor. Prinze says that he’ll call everybody, but Santino has to spend the next two hours rehearsing. Prinze says at least there’s no Scooby Doo joke. Anyways, he’s got a match to make tonight. In the main event, it’s going to be so sick…
I hear voices in my head…
The WWE Champion interrupts. Tonight he’s teaming with John Cena, but screw that. He doesn’t have to team with Cena, so he won’t. Prinze reminds him that he’s in his hometown. Orton says he doesn’t care if the fans get to see him wrestle or not. It’s not about them. He’s the WWE Champion and it’s about him. He’s not going to ask again. Orton tells Prinze to take him out of this match. Prinze asks if he looks like Seth Green or Jeremy Piven. He tells Orton not to try and bully him. Sgt. Slaughter made the match, and he’s not going to change it. He will compete tonight, he will team with Cena, and he will face the Unified Tag Team Champions. Orton grabs Prinze and drops him with his neckbreaker/backbreaker combo. Referees and EMTs make their way out to check on Prinze as the WWE Champion slithers his way back up the ramp.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Before the break, Orton hit Freddie Prinze Jr. with a neckbreaker. He’s been taken to a nearby medical facility, and we’ll get an update on his condition later on in the show, hopefully.
Meanwhile, this match is scheduled for one fall and it is for the United States Championship!
Tradition be damned, the United States Champion, Kofi Kingston is out first for this match. This past Thursday on WWE Superstars, Carlito pinned Kofi in a mixed tag match. Guess who Kofi’s opponent is? That’s right, it’s Carlito, who is accompanied by Rosa Mendez.
Kofi Kingston def. Carlito to retain the United States Championship
Kofi always gets the most random challengers for his title. There’s like no structure whatsoever to the United States title picture. Of course, that fact alone makes the United States Championship scene infinitely more interesting than the recurring Randy Orton/John Cena/Triple H theme of the World Championship scene. Anyways, Carlito takes the early offense, even tossing the Champion out of the ring as we head to a…
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Carlito dominated during the break, and he continues that as we come back. Kofi finally starts to battle back, but catches a boot straight to the face, earning Carlito a two. It’s all Carlito for a few more minutes, but Kofi finally turns it around and quickens the pace of the match. He gets a two off of the Thunderclap Leg Drop, and another one off of a second rope cross-body. He scores another one on an uppercut that looked like it knocked out a tooth. He goes for a top rope corss body, but Carlito rolls through and scores a two count. Kofi misses a Trouble In Paradise, and Carlito hits a neckbreaker for two. Carlito goes for teh backstabber, but it’s reversed, and Kofi hits Trouble In Paradise and retains the US Championship!
We’re waiting for the arrival of DX. If that were anybody other than Triple H and Shawn Michaels showing up this late for work, they’d be fired.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
DX is reuniting tonight. Hey, let’s look at DX’s greatest hits!
The Miz is rocking some new tights. And a new contract – he won it last week by outsmarting Eugene. The Miz says that two weeks ago he was banned from RAW, so now he stands before us a new man. New attitude, new look, same mouth. In a few short moments, he’ll be embarking on the most remarkable turnaround in WWE history as he starts his quest to become the new United States Champion. Kofi should enjoy his belt while he can, because that title will be The Miz’s. Because he’s The Miz – and he’s – AWESOME!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Evan Bourne is the most over guy on the roster behind Jeff Hardy, and he’s on his way to the ring to face The Miz.
The Miz def. Evan Bourne
This match is all The Miz, who is stretching Bourne like a new student in the Hart Dungeon. Bourne finally mounts a comeback, scoring a two with a standing moonsault. He takes The Miz down and climbs the ropes, but The Miz knocks him down. Bourne jumps on The Miz’s shoulders, but The Miz puts him down and hits him with the Skull Crushing Finale for the victory.
RAW’s been on for 54 minutes, and we’re still waiting for DX – who are apparently supposed to be on NEXT!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Two weeks ago, Triple H lost to Legacy and then verbally buried them. Then last week, Hunter found Shawn working as a chef and invited him back to the WWE.
DX’s limo shows up, and HBK has second thoughts. Triple H talks him into coming to the ring. As their walking to the ring, Jillian starts singing their theme song, and Hunter puts a trash can over her. Santino does his CSI act, and HBK superkicks him. Triple H points out that Santino didn’t mean to harm them, and HBK says he knows.
Are you ready?
I’M READY!
Degeneration X make their way to the ring. It’s 10:05 and they finally showed up for work. The first hour of this show was pretty good. The rest of it will probably suck now. Shawn finally hands Triple H his microphone at 10:07. Yep. Two minutes of DX running around like idiots. Hunter finally asks the question on everybody’s mind at 10:09. Are you ready? No, Hunter. We’re not. Maybe if this were 1997 we would be, but I don’t think we’ll ever be ready for another reincarnation of DX until the WWE decides to cater to the fans instead of the boss. Thankfully, we’re saved from another terrible DX segment by Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, who toss Triple H out of the ring and double team HBK for a moment before The Game tries – and fails – to make the save (World Wrestling Insanity reader vinrob says “I guess they weren’t ready”). Rhodes takes HBK’s boot off of his foot, and he hits Hunter with it. They leave DX lying, and DiBiase tells Triple H that, to answer his question, yes, they’re ready.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
WrestleMania 25 will be on NBC on August 29. Hopefully it’ll be as cool as last year’s NBC broadcast of WrestleMania 24.
Before the break, Legacy (thankfully) took out DX.
The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the WWE Divas Championship.
Mickie James makes her way out to the ring (again, tradition be damned.) Her opponent tonight is Gail Kim.
Mickie James def. Gail Kim to retain the WWE Divas Championship
Holy crap. This is two WWE Television shows in a row that have a one on one Divas match. Hell has officially frozen over. The difference between this one and the one on SmackDown, of course, is that these are two women who can actually wrestle. Gail Kim, of course, a former WWE Women’s Champion and the first ever TNA Knockouts Champion, and Mickie James a former multiple time WWE Women’s Champion prior to her current run as WWE Divas Champion. Mickie James knocked Gail Kim the hell out with a forearm to the face to pick up the win.
After the match, Mickie helps Gail up to her feet.
Earlier tonight, Randy Orton took out guest host Freddie Prinze, Jr.
Prinze is supposedly back in the building. Josh Matthews is standing by with John Cena. Cena does a lame promo, complete with a poop joke, making fun of Orton not wanting to wrestle in his match tonight. He finishes by saying that after SummerSlam, the champ will be here. Jericho interrupts and says that the champs are here. Big Show tells him he might not make it to SummerSlam.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Last week, MVP beat Chris Masters and was then attacked by Jack Thwagger Swagger.
MVP def. Jack Swagger by disqualification
Neither guy gets an entrance. That’s how important this match is in the grand scheme of things. Swagger hauls off on MVP in the corner, earning the disqualification.
After the match, MVP attacks Swagger, who retreats. Seriously, DX’s entrance was longer than the entire segment for that match.
Freddie Prinze Jr. tells the trainer that he’s coming out to the ring. The trainer doesn’t think that’s a good idea, and neither does Jerry Lawler, but he’s coming to the ring anyway.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Chavo Guerrero is here. He’s in a falls count anywhere match this week. Guess who his opponent is. Go on, guess. That’s right, kiddies, it’s Hornswoggle, again.
Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
Hornswoggle escapes unter the ring, and Chavo goes after him. Then we get a shot of the empty ring for a minute before Chavo emerges with a toilet seat. Hornswoggle laughs at him from the other side of the ring and Chavo gives chase. Chavo asks Primo where Hornswoggle went. Primo points him in a direction down the hall. Chavo asks if Primo is lying. Primo says that Chavo’s gonna lose him. Chavo goes after him, and asks a couple other guys. They poit him in the same direction. Chavo walks down the hall, which is adorned with St. Louis Blues logos, prompting a “Let’s Go Blues” chant from the fans. Chavo opens a door and gets knocked out by a paint can, a la Home Alone, allowing Hornswoggle to cover him for yet another victory.
Chavo gets up and sees Mark Henry, accusing him of setting up the paint can, but Henry says it wasn’t me. Henry walks away, and Macaulay Culkin appears and tells him it’s not funny.
The King and Michael Cole run down the SummerSlam card.
The Unified WWE Tag Team Champions are walking backstage and are ready for their match tonight against John Cena and Randy Orton.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
This week’s guest host for the BWF RAW results is the Empress of Impact, Drowgoddess. Take it away, Drow!
We return from a commercial break.
A video package on boxer Floyd “Money” Mayweather, his high-rolling lifestyle, and his entertainment skills airs. Mayweather will host RAW next week.
A WWE.com poll. “Can Randy Orton and John Cena defeat the Unified Tag Team Champions of Chris Jericho and the Big Show?” 76% say “Yes,” 24% say “No.” Ouch! SO much for the tag team champs.
Big Show and Jericho enter first. The champions entering last seems to be a thing for the history books now. Orton is next, and Cena last. Different music plays, and Freddie Prinze, Junior comes out. He tells Orton that he’s stealing a page out of Orton’s own book. This match just became a lumberjack match! Prinze has hand-picked all the lumberjacks, and they don’t like Orton very much. Out come the lumberjacks. Primo, Mark Henry, Evan Bourne, Kofi Kingston, MVP, and Jamie Noble. They surround the ring. We go to commercial break.
When we return from commercial break, the match has already begun. Big Show has Cena in a rear bear hug around the waist. Cena tries to elbow his way out, but Big Show knocks Cena down. Cena crawls to his corner and attempts to tag in Orton. Orton turns his back and steps away. Big Show gets Cena in the corner, but Cena dropkicks Big Show’s knees. Cena rushes to his side of the ring and flips Orton into the ring over the top rope. Big Show spears Orton, who rolls out to the floor. The lumberjacks start to beat down Orton, and Mark Henry picks him up in a gorilla press and throws him back into the ring.
Big Show drops a leg across Orton’s chest, but Orton kicks out at two. Jericho tags in and attacks Orton with a barrage of punches from a mounted position. Jericho catches Orton in a sleeper hold, driving him down to one knee. Orton counters and crawls toward his corner, but Jericho pulls Orton back and tags in Big Show. Big Show hits another leg drop on Orton, but Orton again kicks out at two. Big Show clamps down on Orton’s shoulders and head before hurling him over in a suplex. Jericho tags in. Orton hits a surprise scoop slam on Jericho. Jericho locks in another sleeper hold on Orton, but Orton fights out with elbows. Jericho misses a Lionsault, and Orton crawls again toward his corner. Cena tags in. Cena dominates Jericho. Big Show grabs Cena by the throat from the apron, but Cena knocks Big Show to the floor. Cena hits the Attitude Adjuster on Jericho and gets the pin and three-count.
Post-match, Orton hits the RKO on Cena from behind. Jericho and Big Show jump Cena and beat him down. The lumberjacks run in to help, but all get thrown out of the ring. Cena hits a weak and mis-timed running shoulder block to Big Show’s midsection and knocks him through the ropes to the floor. Cena stands tall in the ring as Orton stands on the ramp with the title belt.
The End.
TSJ Thoughts: You know, as bad as RAW’s been lately, the first half of this show was pretty enjoyable. Then DX came out. It all went downhill from there – save for DX getting beaten down by Legacy and the random appearance of Macaulay Culkin moments after I typed “a la Home Alone” in this review. I haven’t seen the main event, but Cena won, so it couldn’t have been that entertaining. Definitely an improvement over the last few weeks, but RAW’s got a lot of work to do to get back to it’s former status of “can’t miss wrestling show.”
Prinze, Jr. kicks the show off, as he’s tonight’s guest host. He’s a lifelong WWE fan, just like us. He’s got the closet full of action figures, he’s got the Colusseum Home Videos hosted by Mean Gene, and he even had the WWF Superstars of Ice Cream Bars that would make you vomit if you ate them, but tonight’s about the WWE Universe! He decides that we’re going to start SummerSlam right here tonight! The Divas and United States Championships are on the line tonight. Also tonight, the return of DX! But he’s not finished…
He’s interrupted by some ominous sounding music, and some guy in black leather and a hook in his hand, apparently from “I Know What You Did Last Summer” (which sucked, BTW), makes his way down to the ring. The guy takes the microphone and tells him he knows what he did last summer. And he knows what he’s going to do this Summer. You’re going “to put me in one of your mooooovieees!” It’s Santino! He says he would be a good fisherman, and he has written a screenplay called “I know what you did about 12 Summers Ago.” He says he could be in a romantic comedy. He puts on a wig and glasses as the melody from “Kiss Me” plays. He says he’s obviously a nerd, but then Freddy made a bet with the guy from The Fast and the Furiest, and then, Pow, Santino is like a sexy, hot guy. They could call it, “He’s All That.” Freddie thinks it’s good, but Santino needs a little help. Santino says he needs something more current. He points out that Prinze will be in “24,” and Santino thinks he needs a partner. Santino goes into FBI mode and interrogates Lillian Garcia. He tells Prinze to call Keifer Sutherland, and his wife the werewolf slayer, and tell them that Santino Marella is an actor. Prinze says that he’ll call everybody, but Santino has to spend the next two hours rehearsing. Prinze says at least there’s no Scooby Doo joke. Anyways, he’s got a match to make tonight. In the main event, it’s going to be so sick…
I hear voices in my head…
The WWE Champion interrupts. Tonight he’s teaming with John Cena, but screw that. He doesn’t have to team with Cena, so he won’t. Prinze reminds him that he’s in his hometown. Orton says he doesn’t care if the fans get to see him wrestle or not. It’s not about them. He’s the WWE Champion and it’s about him. He’s not going to ask again. Orton tells Prinze to take him out of this match. Prinze asks if he looks like Seth Green or Jeremy Piven. He tells Orton not to try and bully him. Sgt. Slaughter made the match, and he’s not going to change it. He will compete tonight, he will team with Cena, and he will face the Unified Tag Team Champions. Orton grabs Prinze and drops him with his neckbreaker/backbreaker combo. Referees and EMTs make their way out to check on Prinze as the WWE Champion slithers his way back up the ramp.